Title: The Long (and impotent) Arm of the Law
Author: NurseDarry
Rating: V for vroom, vroom
Timeline: After everything else
Disclaimer: I'm getting closer, boys. Better watch out.
~*~
In the Volvo:
"Just use the Force, Xani," Dorotea scowled, kicking the flat tire.
"Huh?" Xani was deeply engrossed in a hot game of Elf Bowling on his Gameboy. "Dor, my love, I'm about to score higher than ever."
"You're not gonna score ever again if you don't put that thing down and start helping."
Dorotea looked balefully at Pelham, who was admiring his complexion in the rearview mirror. Since the mirror had long ago fallen off the windshield, LP was holding it, looking at himself from every angle.
"Pelham..."
"My lady," LP said, glancing at her in the mirror. "You know I would love to help, but one, I am sadly unfamiliar with the internal combustion engine and two, I'm not dirtying my hands for anything."
Dor uttered a rather naughty word and glumly opened the back of the car, searching for the jack amid the half-empty Pepsi One cans.
An hour later, she hadn't made much progress. Just as she was about to tie Xani and LP together by the hair in frustration, somewhat turned on by the idea, a Highway Patrol car sped into view.
"Thank god," Dorotea breathed.
"I know," Xani said, holding up the Gameboy. "Pretty impressive, huh?"
"KILL!"
Dorotea lunged.
~*~
In the limo:
"More champagne, my love?" Laure poured her emperor another glass, carefully concealing the Dramamine she slipped into it. A nice fizzing noise resulted.
"You're too good, my beloved," Commo said, pushing his traveling laurels back atop his head.
"You better believe it, buster," Laure smiled, the happy drunk that she was.
"Scott, I love your ski goggles. Are we skiing?" Shana stretched out along the back seat of the limo.
"Perhaps..." Scott smiled. Shana reached for him.
"Gnnnhhh..." Scott jerked sideways and slightly dislodged the goggles.
In the front of the car, the driver was talking to a buddy on the phone. "I dunno, some rich bitches and a couple of really familiar looking guys. HOLY SHIT!"
The limo veered sharply to the left as a large hole burned through the drivers' seat a centimeter from the chauffeur's right elbow.
The siren and flashing lights of a Highway Patrol car quickly reestablished order within the limo. That was, until a disoriented mutant and sociopathic emperor tried to talk themselves out of a ticket.
~*~
In the Beemer:
"License and registration, please," the Highway Patrolman cautiously asked the occupants of the BMW.
The short red-haired woman leaned sideways and opened the glove box, retrieving the documents and handed them to the officer, all without dislodging the man who was sitting atop her.
The cop made a cursory glance at the papers. Oh. Another employee from Hestia State. Why was he not surprised?
Ma'am, you do realise that the driver's seat of this vehicle is meant to be occupied my only one person."
"Yes. So?"
"You do realise that there are two of you sitting in the same seat."
"Not true. I'm the only one sitting on this seat."
"Yes, well, technically..." The policeman conceded.
'Look, I'm a nurse and this is a medical emergency. I must get this patient to the Hestia State Winter Campus immediately. He's obviously been injured."
The cop looked at Cicero and Cic looked back at the cop through his hair.
"Uh, he looks like he's been injured before, but he doesn't appear to be injured at the moment."
"He will be if you detain us much longer. I'm sure he's getting a cramp." Darry rubbed one of Cic's thighs. His long legs were bent up on either side of her on the leather bucket seat. He did look like he was becoming a little uncomfortable. Darry kissed him on the nose.
"Better," Cic smiled.
The cop handed Darry's license and registration back. "I'm afraid I'm still going to have to give you a ticket." He turned and reached for his notebook.
"Sure, fine, whatever..." Darry floored it and sped away.
~*~
In Ellie's 4x4:
"We've got another ten miles to go, over," Ellie said into her mic.
"Copy that, ten miles," Logan's voice sounded scratchy through the walky-talky. He followed Ellie and Dr Jones on his motorcycle, occasionally running off-road and into the woods just for the hell of it.
A four-door car with flashing lights appeared in Logan's rearview mirror.
"Shit," he snarled and casually ran off the road once more and past the tree line.
"Shit," Ellie said, glancing into her rearview mirror, which, in this car, was attached to the windshield.
"What is it?" Indy asked, discarding his tweed jacket and pulling on a worn leather one.
"Trouble," Ellie said, barely watching the road as she watched her EA unfurl his whip and check the ammo in his pistol.
Indy rolled down the window. "Nazis?" He shouted over the wind.
"Police," Ellie shouted back as Indy opened fire.
"Damn Nazi police!" Indy yelled, over the wind and gunfire.
The Highway Patrolman quickly called for backup. Then he noticed the HSU vanity plate and made a fast and squealing u-turn.
~*~
On Ethan's bike:
"JenJen, you've got to stop showing me that catalogue when I'm trying to drive," Ethan said as Jen snatched back pictures of the latest in flavoured lingerie.
The bike swerved around a bit and nearly collided with another ridden by a rugged-looking man with a peculiar skeletal system.
"Watch it, pretty boy!" Logan snarled, shaking his fist.
Jen yelped and let go of the glossy magazine, where it flew from her hand and lazily wafted down the highway where it covered the driver's side of the windshield of a passing patrolman, who'd just narrowly missed being shot by some crazy man in a Fedora.
Obviously part of the same HSU convoy, he grumbled, slowing down to have a closer look at the model covering his windshield.
~*~
In Ky's car:
"I don't see why Dor has such a problem with a Roman driving her car," Kymira said, applying her lipstick and glancing into the mirror attached to the passenger's sunshade.
"True. This isn't that difficult to do," Quintus said from behind his aviator glasses. "Maybe Dorotea's car is special."
"Oh, it's special, all right." Ky said, scowling. "It's so special that it should be-"
"Oh gods, what is that?" Quintus motioned to the Highway Patrol car blocking the right lane of the road.
"It's nothing," Ky said, casually loading her crossbow. She took careful aim and fired, as Quintus steered the car around the roadblock.
Behind them, the patrolman hopped painfully on one foot and cursed mightily.
~*~
On Maul's Infiltrator:
"Maulie, not so fast or the boa will fly off," Tasha warned, wrapping the hot pink feathers around them and fastening them to the cup holder on the front of the vehicle.
"Grrr."
"Maulie, you need to keep this thing closer to the ground or we're gonna get stopped. This is a road; you drive on it, not hover over it."
"Grrr."
"I'm sorry to backseat drive, but this IS my planet, after all."
"Grrr."
"Here, how 'bout I do this?"
"GRRRRRR!!!!!"
"I thought you'd like that. Oh, damn!" The boa flew from the Infiltrator. "Nevermind," Tasha dismissed. "I have 59 more of them stashed in my luggage."
~*~
Half a mile down the road:
"Officer, you will NOT wear frilly feathers while on duty, is that clear?"
"But, sir, it just flew around my neck. I didn't put it on-"
"No arguments, Officer. This garment is not part of the standard uniform."
"Yes sir."
"What you wear off duty is your own business, of course. I've seen the catalogue you have in your patrol car, and I must say, I didn't peg you for that scene, myself..."
"But sir..."
~*~
The General stood at the lodge door as the rest of his Hos that had not taken the bus slowly arrived.
"Of course, I'm sure that a donation made to the Estrogen County Highway Patrol would just about cover it, don't you?"
"Yes," said the officer, blandly. "A donation made to the Estrogen County Highway Patrol would cover it."
"There you are, Officer," Obi-Wan said, handing the man a check. "And thank you for stopping by." The General watched the man walk to his patrol car and drive away. Then he turned and walked back inside to the lodge, shaking his head and smiling to himself.
END