Title: A Typical Friday Night at HSU
Author: Laure, Queen of Hooterville
Rating: FUFF (F*cked up Filler Fic)
Disclaimer: Don't own 'em. Own me. Would like a Spike of my very own.
Archive: Duh, headed for the Nurse
Note: Not my Halloween fic; it was supposed to start here, but just didn't fit. Halloween fic may not actually get written till after Halloween. *sigh*
Note 2: This fic takes place last Friday--when I was supposed to be writing it. *double sigh*

"Did that creep just wolf whistle at me?"

Jen cocked an eyebrow at the indignant Water Ho and replied, "Creep? He's kinda cute."

As Kendra sputtered, Tara muttered, "Ungrateful."

"You are SO taking after your Master way too much, Tara," Jen said, sipping her beer.

"I don't see why you had to drag us along, Ky," Kendra complained.

Kymira stared her down. "If one Ho suffers, all Ho's suffer."

"Then where are all the dang admin Ho's?" Tara sniped back.

"Like my Master can make them do anything. I'm nearing my Trials; don't wanna piss her off. She told me I better show up for at least one show."

"So, you wait till the very last one, good thinking, Ky," Jen added with a smirk.

"I've been busy. Y'know, school and stuff, and Commo's a full time job when Laure's gone."

The other Ho's nodded in sympathetic understanding and drank deeply of their watered down beer.

"What a way to spend a Friday night," Kendra groused.

"Well, we could make shadow puppets in the glow off your hair, Marilyn," Tara suggested cattily.

As Kendra began to growl, the lights went down and the show began.

"Tell me she is NOT really wearing neon orange shorts." Kymira was clearly appalled at the total lack of fashion sense being displayed by her once elegant Master.

Jen snickered and wished she'd brought a camera.

A flash went off behind them, and the four Ho's turned to see Julia grinning and snapping merrily away.

*****

Back on campus in between scary movie appointments with the General, the Ho's were busy decorating the campus for Halloween.

Well, the Library pretty much always looked like it was ready for Halloween. The lack of roof--the flapping tarp really wasn't helping--and holes in the walls let in most of the fallen leaves on campus and quite a few spiders. Xani was spending his free time Force squashing the arachnids.

Dorotea's Volvo rested in a leaf free corner, leaking motor oil onto the once polished wood floor, purring while the Librarian buffed the hood with Pelham's best silk cravat.

Pelham was hunting the squirrels that had made a home in the upper stacks.

"This is ridiculous," Xani groused, kicking a pile of leaves out of his way and disturbing a sleeping Ewok. "Out, you damn rodent." Booting the Ewok through a Volvo sized hole in the outer wall, he continued, "I'm calling my best construction crew in to build Volvo and dragon proof walls and roof."

"You know Emmy won't allow Offworld crews on campus."

"Do I give a fuck?" Xani turned to the Librarian and narrowed his eyes." Are you kissing that car?"

"Um...no?"

"Cow queen," Xani muttered as he stalked off to find his phone.

*****

No one was decorating the Clinic, either. Now that the Servant/Husband was finally free of cold germs, the Nurse was *censoring*/*kilting*/*boinking* him silly. The black plastic cauldron sitting outside the Clinic door full of toothbrushes and dental floss made it clear that she did not plan to make a Halloween appearance.

She was also going to find her Clinic heavily toilet papered, shaving creamed, and egged, in retaliation for the toothbrushes and dental floss.

That is, if some of the more intrepid freshmen Ho's could figure out how to break in without setting of the Nurse's elaborate alarm system. Tired of providing her with new cars, the evil Emperor had provided her with not one but two state of the art security systems and she'd had one installed on the beemer and one in her Clinic.

There was heavy betting on how soon Darry would forget how to turn the damn thing off, thus trapping the two of them in their bedroom behind laser beams, expandable mouse traps, exploding trip wires and other such wicked devices.

And there was even more betting on when Darry might actually care about being trapped with her husband.

Not one wagered date was sooner than the end of the year.

*****

The Pub was rocking as usual, and festooned with fake spider webs, orange and black garlands, pumpkins, and various assorted other spooky things. Somehow Judy had made the margaritas smoke, and Shana and Jael--home from a buying trip--were cautiously tasting them.

The men were sticking to beer and watching hockey on the big screen.

"Where's Ken? Doesn't she usually work Friday nights?" Jael asked, popping some candy corn in her mouth.

Judy looked up from carving a pumpkin and grumbled, "She went off with her friends to Hooters."

As Shana snickered, Jael gave the bartender a puzzled look. "Why on Earth would anyone want to go to Hooters? You make much better buffalo wings."

"Thanks, Jael, and I guess you didn't hear about Laure's impromptu tour of the Testosterone County Hooters. She's been there since Monday."

"Why?"

"Something about fearing the Nurse's wrath over her sick Servant or something. I think Laure just wanted to stretch her wings." Judy stabbed the knife into a perfectly cut star and pulled.

"And so she ran like a chicken," Shana snickered some more. "I went last night. Although I spent most of my time keeping an eye on the Evil Hand who's accompanying her, I did get a kick out of her cut-off tank top and orange short shorts."

"Tell me someone got this on film," Jael laughed.

"I believe Sere and Julia are there now."

There was much more laughter.

"Do you think they're laughing about us?" Ethan asked the small group of men.

"Most assuredly," Maximus replied in a resigned voice.

They huddled closer and quietly cheered on their favorite team, hoping not to draw too much attention to themselves.

After all, it was only a few days until their Ho's would make them put on costumes. Pissing off a Ho before Halloween tended to lead to extreme embarrassment.

No man, not even a Ho man, wanted to go to a Halloween party as a Smurf or Telitubbie or, worse, Barbie (tm).

*****

Dande sat at her kitchen table frosting pumpkin shaped sugar cookies, listening to Emmy complain about the shoddiness of the General's rescue attempt, and keeping an eye on Cara who sat in her high chair tossing crumbs to the collection of dogs beneath their feet.

"Yes, once he actually got there, the rescue was wonderful, but I kept calling out for him and got nothing, nada, zippidydooda."

"Emmy, he was very concerned. We all were. It just took the men longer to mobilize."

"It took you long enough, too. You had to color Kendra's hair before you could rescue me!"

"It was necessary," Dande said delicately, as she placed red-hots on a cookie for eyes. "One misstep and Dorotea might have been called in for reconditioning."

Emmy snickered at that thought. "I just can't see Dorotea as a Wench. The hair is just all wrong. Now, Laure has the potential for big hair."

Dande replied evenly, "Laure would make a powerful Wench."

"No seducing my Ho's, or my Wo's, or Hybrids, or whatever they're calling themselves these days."

Doe eyes twinkled at the Dean. "Would I do that?"

Snorting, Emmy reached for a cookie to sample. "Would I do the General?"

Dande giggled and reached for another cookie to frost. "If he's anything like his Master..."

*****

In the Den, Da Mastah and the General both shivered as if someone had stepped on their graves--not that they were dead, of course.

"They're gossiping about us," Qui-Gon sighed.

"At least Emmy stopped complaining about my poor rescue technique."

Da Mastah withheld any comment on Emmy, knowing it would only get him in trouble.

"Laure does look good in pink, though," Obi-Wan mused, sipping his ice-cold beer.

"And she bakes a delicious muffin," Qui-Gon smirked, earning him a baffled look from his former Padawan. He smiled benignly at Obi-Wan and changed the subject. "Michael Jordan's return to basketball is on Monday. All the men are coming for ribs and those fried onion flower things. That young man Spike introduced me to them. They're quite good."

"Spike? I don't think I've met a Spike."

"Ah...I believe he teaches English Victorian poetry."

"And his name is Spike?"

"Bohemian?"

"Ah," as if that answered everything. Letting his mind switch away from strange men, Obi-Wan smiled. "Well, count me in." Settling back in his recliner, he reached for the chex mix.

*****

Her final set wrapped up to the sound of hooting from the crowd and giggling from four Ho's who would die a horrible, flaming death if her prayers were answered, Laure stomped off stage to her dressing room cum bathroom. Lorne was waiting for her. Before she could launch herself at him in a fit of fury, he waved a check in front of her face.

"Four nights, $800.00, lovey."

"That's outrageous. I deserve so much more for bringing culture to the heathens."

"Minus Lindsey's salary of $200.00, his bar tab of $75.69, that mirror his quote evil hand unquote broke $152.31, travel expenses of $75.00, and my commission of twenty percent of the gross or $160.00 leaves you with a wopping total of $137.00." As Laure turned purple, he continued, "Oh, wait, room and board for the three of us came to..." He dug into his jacket pocket and pulled out a credit card receipt. "$240.00 plus tax of $24.00 which comes to $264.00. Which leaves you owing..."

As Laure charged, he side-stepped her and she smacked into the door. Turning and rubbing her nose, she bitched, "Lindsey can pay for his own damn bar tab and broken shit."

"Um, no can do, sweetie pie. His contract states that all expenses are to be paid by the contracting party. That's you."

"What contract?" she growled.

"The one he drew up."

"Damn lawyer!"

*****

Julia managed to get one picture of the chanteuse strangling her manager before the whole entourage was kicked out of Hooters.

*****

"Is she going to pout the whole way home?" Kendra asked the group squished with several suitcases, a rack of costumes, a couple of guitars, and a laptop computer system more elaborate than any one person needed, into the rented van. The foursome had decided it was much more interesting in the van than driving back to campus themselves, so Tara'd lent her car to a very grateful Lorne. Julia and Sere had raced back to campus ahead of everyone else to get the pictures developed for the morning edition.

Kymira glanced hesitantly at her Master who was glaring mutely and furiously at the back of Lindsey's head as he drove down the back roads of Testosterone County whistling a merry tune. "Um, probably."

"Princess."

"Tara, cut it out, you are NOT the Diva," Jen said, exasperated.

"I don't know what's happening to me," Tara protested. "They just seem to slip out, all these Emmyisms."

"It's the power of the Ho side," Kendra intoned.

"Is that your hair speaking?" Jen smirked.

The ensuing scuffled led to Lindsey yelling if they didn't cut it out, he was stopping the van and not going another inch.

Laure's hissed threat to cut off his balls if he didn't get her home as quickly as possible shut him up, and he put his foot down hard on the gas pedal, shooting the van across the county line from an unmarked, pot-hole filled road littered with beer cans, cigarette butts and used prophylactics, to a smooth, well maintained highway lined with night-blooming wild flowers.

*****

"I see you didn't burn the place down while I was gone," was Laure's only comment as she stomped from the van and up the stairs into the building.

"Oh, she's going to be a barrel of laughs for a while," Kymira muttered.

"At least your Master has a roof over her head," Jen kvetched. "Try apprenticing with the rain dripping in on you."

"Ooh, rain," both Water Ho's sighed.

"Think Laure'll be in such a bad mood she'll skip her showering with the General appointment tomorrow?" Tara asked Kendra, a gleam in her eye.

Kendra grinned back and they raced for the appointment book.

*****

Opening the door, Laure walked into her bedroom to find Commo laying on his side, looking very uncomfortable, and watching Caddyshack 2.

"I'm back."

"Beloved," he cheered, turning off the television. "Thank the gods. Your servant has subjected me to the worst golfing movies ever made. She has hidden my Tiger Woods' game cartridges and the golf network remains fuzzy. I am most vexed."

"Yeah, whatever." She slid her full-length coat down her arms and ignored his gasps.

"Dearest Laure, have you joined an all-female wrestling club or perhaps the Amazons?"

Rolling her eyes, Laure exchanged the Hooters wear--tossing it in the nearest trash can--for comfortable jeans and a KU sweatshirt, before joining Commo on the bed.

"Is that abomination gone from your butt?"

He gritted his teeth as she poked at him. "Yes, beloved. I truly believed you would be pleased with... OW!"

"Sorry," she lied, pulling down his silk pajama bottoms to examine the bruised and reddened skin. "Oh look, all the hair is gone." Her tone was just a tad malicious.

"I cannot sit upon my gluteus minimus, darling."

"Huh?"

"I used my gods given power to change the name. I could not refer to it using any vulgar terminology, nor could I allow any part of my glorious body to be referred to as..." Commo whispered conspiratorially, "Maximus."

"Uh huh."

"It is quite sore, though, darling. I have missed your tender touch."

Pulling up his pants, she patted him lightly, making him flinch and sweat to break out on his forehead, and rose from the bed.

"Beloved?"

At his confused look, Laure dug into the secret compartment in her desk and found his games. Sticking one in the Playstation, she tossed him the controller.

"I need to go um...work. Have fun."

"But, sweetness...?"

Flashing him a soothing smile, Laure quickly left the room before Commo could start whining in earnest.

*****

Passing the Clinic, Laure rolled her eyes at the 'Nurse must Die' note nailed to the plastic tub of dental care products, then continued on to the Pub. As she entered, her eyes zeroed in on Spike.

He was sitting at the bar regaling Julia and Jael with some bloody deed or another.

"I want those pictures," Laure demanded.

"Laure, you didn't tell me Spike was here. I would have come home much sooner," Jael said, winking at the vampire, her hand on his jean-clad knee.

"And she has an EA form for him, too," Julia added with a grin.

Laure gave her a look of consternation, then her eyes narrowed. "Jael, Maximus is looking very lonely over there."

Maximus was actually playing a rousing game of poker with Scott, Ethan, Juba and Haken, not in the least perturbed by the absence of his warrior princess.

"...Bitch," Jael muttered, her hand sliding off of Spike's knee.

"Bitch Queen, dear."

Jael growled at her and headed over to the poker table.

"Pictures, negatives," Laure demanded.

Julia just shook her head, still grinning.

"I heard you took up stripping, luv. Since I get to see you naked any time I want, I didn't bother to go watch other men ogle your goodies."

"Shut up, Spike. Julia!"

"Property of the university."

"I am NOT the property of the university."

"Take it up with the Regents."

"I AM one of the bloody Regents." Laure lunged for Julia, only to be caught up by Spike who slung her over his shoulder.

"Violence in a woman is never pretty." He winked at Julia as Laure squirmed.

"I'll give you violence, you ass!"

Julia pulled out her camera and Laure howled in outrage.

Really, just a typical Friday night at HSU.

End