Title: HSU: Cooking 101
Author: Kendra
Rating: BCU (Bad Cooks Unite)
Archive: If you must
Disclaimer: GL owns the boy, but we treat him way better and love him.
Notes: This is just a little Holiday fic that's taken me forever to write. It's just silly drivel, nothing more. There are tons of mistakes, forgive me. I just wasn't sure I'd even be around tomorrow, as well as others hitting the road for Thanksgiving. I think we could all use a laugh. Be scared, be very scared.

"But sire, I do believe the women will notice," Quintus objected as he handed another arrow to Commo.

"Nonsense, we are hunting fowl for our feast," Commo replied with a royal wave of the hand that nearly pierced the other man's nose with the forgotten arrow.

"Your Royalness...they purchase all their provisions..."

"Yes, yes I know. How peasant-like of them. Thanks-giving...peasant name...give...one should just take. But anyway, I plan to bring fowl to my beloved for her to prepare," the fallen Emperor insisted as he notched the arrow and attempted to hit yet another bothersome chicken. But once again his shot went wide when the chicken spied him and began fluttering about the rugby pitch in a huff.

~~*~~

Dande sighed knowingly, and passed the plate full of macadamia nut cookies before the worried Ho beside her on the chintz couch. "I know dear," the Wench soothed with a reassuring pat on the other woman's arm.

"She just makes it look so easy," Kendra said dejectedly. "Just add the butter to the flour...well I did..."

"Cold butter, dear. Always one must use cold and cubed butter to make great pastry," Dande explained once more.

"I guess...I just figured melting it would make things go much faster. And since it had to bake in the oven for an hour, why not just put it in the microwave for twenty minutes to cut down on baking time. Know what I mean?" the Water Ho sighed as she frowned at the black glob of what was supposed to be a pumpkin pie that sat upon the Wench's coffee table. "Damn that Martha for making me think I could bake," the Ho snarled as Dande tried to calm the General's secretary.

~~*~~

Emmy thumbed through the stack of cookbooks piled hap-hazzardly across the top of her desk. "Tell me, just who's bright idea was it for a pot luck Thanksgiving?" The Diva asked Lasher, who sat at her feet wagging his tail happily and giving her the cutest, big puppy dog eyes imaginable.

"Rrrruffff," Lasher yelped happily.

"I know, the General and his bright ideas. Does he really think that getting everyone to make a homemade dish and bringing it to dinner is a good thing?"

"Rrruffff, Rrrufff!"

"You said it. A disaster waiting to happen. Just because I take him to one cooking demonstration, he now thinks he can cook like a pro," Emmy snapped as she finally chose a cookbook and began leafing through it.

"Mark my words, baby. Something or someone on campus will burn down before this holiday is through," the Diva griped as Lasher quickly sat up and barked once more. "You said it, why am I wasting my time. Forget this..." she exclaimed before pushing aside the mass of cookbooks and reaching for the phone, hitting speed dial.

"Hello, Emeril...I have a food emergency. Yeah, yeah, I know...Don't you Bammm me. Just name your price...anything..."

~~*~~

Julia and Sere stood in the soft light of the crisp, clear autumn day and smiled. "You know, I think this is one of our best," Julia remarked as she snapped one more picture.

"It is, isn't it?" Sere grinned giddily as she too preserved the moment on film. "And quite colorful, too."

"True. Very true," Julia said appreciatively as she surveyed their latest conquest. "The fresh cranberries add such a festive feel to the over all effect of newly cleaned BMW," the Ho sighed before she and Sere did a high-five.

"Alarms? What alarms?" Sere giggled madly.

"Amateurs...mere amateurs," Julia grinned wickedly as she shifted her tool belt while handing her camera to the other Ho. "Get a picture of me on the hood!" She insisted as she raced to the Nurse's BMW and hopped on the brightly polished metal.

"Lounge a little sexier...yeah...that's it...perfect! I managed to get you and the windshield filled to the brim with cranberries in the shot without the reflection from the sun," Sere shouted.

"Your turn," Julia urged as she hopped down from the Nurse's car and grabbed the cameras from Sere and began to take the other Ho's picture as well. "Oh, that reminds me...Qui-Gon is banned from this latest contest. The campus is going to think the 'guess how much is in the Nurse's car' game is rigged if he keeps winning."

"Yeah, wouldn't want our rep tarnished or anything," Julia added, as Sere nodded her head in agreement.

~~*~~

"Over there...no...there...more to the left...that's it...more...more...NOT THERE!" Dor shouted as Pelham and Xani both dropped her prized cauldron upon the dirt outside the library, which was perpetually under construction.

"We have been at this for hours," Xani snapped as he sank to the ground and collapsed against the huge cauldron. "Where it lands, it stays," he insisted as Pelham fanned himself with his hand and nodded his head in agreement.

"Besides, shouldn't the servants of some sort be making the food for the festivities?" Pelham huffed as he tried to tame his uncharacteristic, unruly hair. His prized scrunchie snatched from his head when Dor recovered from being pushed into her cauldron by the Lavender Lord earlier in the day. He claimed it was an accident, but the Wo had her doubts.

"Look, I don't know what's going on, but I figure I can make a big ass pot of soup. Or would you two rather stay locked in the clinic with the Nurse?" Dor demanded as Xani shuddered, thinking back to when the Nurse slipped Zima into his cereal and then spent the day pummeling him with telephones.

"No...." Xani snapped.

"And?" Dor questioned when Pelham didn't answer but had this torn look upon his face. "And?"

"I'm thinking, Lady Dorotea, I'm thinking," Pelham exclaimed as Dor threw her shoe at him and accidentally hit Xani instead, getting the graysider all hot and bothered.

~~*~~

Tara stood before her refrigerator leaning heavily against the open door, sighing. She'd been doing this for the past fifteen minutes and yet, nothing had yet to magically materialized. With one last groan of exasperation the Water Ho pulled her container of yogurt out and sat it on the counter top.

"There goes breakfast for tomorrow," she remarked, thinking back to her empty refrigerator. "Who has time to get groceries? I mean, I have places to go, a General to do, and...studies...yeah, lots and lots of studies," Tara mumbled aloud as she began rifling through her bare cabinets.

"I mean...who cooks around campus anyway, except those we hired to cook," she explained to her cat who was watching her curiously.

Throwing open the last cabinet door, the Water Ho squealed in delight. "There you are!" She shouted as she found her near empty box of Pop Tarts. "Always the perfect topping," the Ho remarked as she poured her plain yogurt into a bowl and then proceeded to crumble her blueberry Pop Tarts on top.

"Think I should bake it and pawn it off as some fancy desert, or maybe just serve as a cold dish?" she asked her cat who fiercely hissed before scurrying out of the room. "What are you afraid of, you don't have to eat it!"

~~*~~

Laure hummed happily as she pulled her latest batch of muffins from the oven and breathed in deeply, savoring the sweet aroma. "Perfect," she smiled before placing them atop the bakers rack to cool, before heading back to the counter to finish her next muffin batch.

"Please, half a cup...you must be joking," the chanteuse t'skd. "You won't even be able to tell they're rum muffins," she winced before emptying the half-full bottle of rum into the batter. "There, all better."

As she mixed the rather liquefied batter in the bowl, she frowned briefly before hearing Commo call her name as he joyfully stormed into the apartment. That definitely couldn't be good, Laure thought, as her frown quickly reappeared.

"Petunia, look what I bagged!" Commo shouted in glee as he suddenly held up a squirrel by the tail and showed his beloved, whom promptly screamed.

"Do you think we're the Clampets or something?" Laure shouted as she screamed even louder when she noticed the squirrel suddenly start to squirm, before promptly biting the fallen Emperor on the hand. Thus the squirrel's freedom was quickly gained as it scurried about Laure's once immaculate kitchen, while she chased both Commo and the squirrel about the room with a broom.

~~*~~

"What time is it, Mastah?" The General asked Qui-Gon as both men stood beside the large turkey cooker and waited impatiently.

"We have an hour," Qui-Gon remarked as he checked the gage on the gas tank and sighed.

"Mastah, do you think the turkeh will be done by then?" Obi-Wan quizzed as he poked at the pale bird as it sat in the vat of hot oil.

Qui-Gon ran his hand across his bearded cheek deep in concentration, and began to shake his head in the negative. "I do not believe so, Obi-Wan. Might I make a suggestion?"

"Please," the General encouraged.

"What if we just increase the temperature, the hottah the oil, the less time it will take to cook properly," Da Mastah mused as the General furrowed his brow.

"But Mastah, Mathah insists that the fowl be cooked at this temperature," Obi-Wan explained.

"Does Mathah have to live with all your grrls, Padawan?"

"Good point," the General agreed before Da Mastah cranked the temperature up.

~~*~~

"What did you come up with?" Jenn asked Ky as she looked at the ovenware upon the stovetop.

"Green bean casserole," Ky replied as Jenn smiled at the thought. "Well that's what the recipe said..."

"Huh?"

"I forgot to buy green beans, so I had to substitute peas," Ky remarked thoughtfully as she uncovered her concoction. "Then there was that little matter of the mushroom soup..."

"Let me guess...you were out and used...clam chowder," Jenn shuddered as she looked at the casserole.

"Yeah...no biggie...and for those dried onion thingies I had to...."

Jenn quickly covered the crossbow Ho's mouth. "I don't want to know," the Pink Banana Ho winced before quickly putting the lid back on this odd creation.

~~*~~

Judy glanced at the recipe book once more to make sure she had all her ingredients for her sugar cookies shaped like cute ears of corn. "Good, this should be done just in time for dinner," she smiled upon glancing at the clock, then placing her chilled dough upon the marble top table.

She reached into the cabinet to retrieve the rolling pin and found the space empty. "What the..." she exclaimed in irritation as she slammed the door shut. Suddenly it dawned on her to just where the rolling pin had vanished to and she smiled brightly. She had used it to chase the Ewoks out of the maze, rolling pins were almost as good as bats in that regard, the barkeep thought.

"That don't help me now," Judy sighed as she knew her time was getting tight.

Suddenly, the Ho broke out in a broad grin as she quickly headed into the pub and walked behind the bar to grab her precious bat. "Man, I never thought a bat could be so useful," she sighed as she raced back to the kitchen to begin rolling out her dough.

"Ok, so a few of these cookies might say 'Louisville Slugger', whatever," Judy mused as the imprint lay down the middle of her first cookie ear of corn.

~~*~~

"Hell, look at the time!" Darry shouted as she pushed Cic out of the bed and then quickly began searching the floor for something to wear.

Cic sat momentarily frozen to the spot, almost afraid to move for fear of getting in the way of his harried wife as she tried to locate some form of clothing. "Are you just going to sit there all day, or are you going to get moving? Move!" the Nurse shouted as she opted for scrubs to wear, since that was all she could find the top and bottom to.

Cic was busy trying to get dressed as Darry raced to the kitchen and tried to throw together something to take to Thanksgiving dinner. "Damnit! Just calm down...use your head...there's bound to be something," she thought aloud, as she spied a bottle of Hershey's and a bag of marshmallows.

"Fondue," she exclaimed before racing back to the bedroom to gather her husband and drag him to dinner.

~~*~~

"Who was that?" Jael questioned as a blur of blue and tartan ran by her and Max.

"My Cicero and your medical woman," Max casually replied.

"Oh...lovely day, isn't it?" Jael smiled as she glanced to the evening sky and sighed as they made their way to dinner.

~~*~~

"So, what do you think that is?" Emmy whispered to Tara as the Diva spied something that looked like flaming yogurt covered in burnt crust. "Who do you think made that slop?"

"Haven't a clue," Tara quickly replied. "Probably Ken," she added before quickly finding safer ground, as far away from her dish as possible.

"Man, get a load of those...crumbs," Dor exclaimed as she stood before the massive buffet table, staring at a plate of something. "Wonder what it used to be?"

Laure stepped forward and quickly tried to shape her crumbs back into the muffins they once were, but the form quickly lost it's shape again. "Muffins, damnit, muffins..." the ex-mediator snapped in horror.

"Is that a freakin paw print?" Xani loudly exclaimed as he leaned closer to the plate of so-called muffins and quickly got backhanded by the chanteuse.

"Maybe I should have baked it a little longer," Kendra mused as Dande gently patted her arm, as both looked at the pumpkin pie that was still raw. The Ho's second attempt at baking.

"Possibly just a few more moments," the Wench sighed as she shook her head at the liquid pie.

"What the hell is that?" Darry loudly exclaimed upon seeing some sort of soup. "That's toxic...Dor!"

"Hey, I'll have you know that I pulled out that tube of caulking that fell in the soup...Pelham tasted it and said it was perfectly fine," the librarian objected indignantly.

"Well where is Pelham now?" the Nurse demanded.

"Probably wandered back to the clinic to puke his guts out," Xani laughed before Dor smacked him soundly upside the head with the lid to her cast iron mini pot. The cauldron wouldn't fit through the door.

"Are you sure that's a turkey?" Julia remarked as she stopped taking pictures of the food, instead focusing on the gathered people and their gasps of horror.

"Mastah, it is a tad...ovah cooked," the General quietly said.

"Nonsense, Obi-Wan, it's just...toasty," Da Mastah insisted as Emmy stepped forward and stuck a fork into the charred turkey which quickly collapsed into a pile of ashes.

"Freaky," Emmy exclaimed. "Isn't anyone going to comment on the dish I brought?"

"You mean the dish you bought, don't you?" Judy snapped.

"Why yes, Miss Louisville slugger...I'm no fool, you must be crazy if you think I'd be hovering over a hot stove today," the Diva smiled as the gathered group groaned.

"Anyone for pizza?" The General suddenly shouted.

~~*~~

"Now see, this is nice," the General remarked as he glanced about him to the gathered crowd who were watching movies and pigging out on pizza and beer. "Family...togetherness," he sighed warmly before snatching another slice of pizza and leaning back on the couch to enjoy the movie.