Title: HSU: Character Building
Authors: Dande and Kendra
Rating: WT (What's that)
Archive: Fine, you know I'll forget to send it to you Darry
Disclaimer: Same mess, GL owns the Gen, why I haven't a clue because we treat him so much better.
Notes: Thanks to all, I stole so blatantly from posts that it was pathetic.
Timeline: After Laure's 'A Typical Friday Night'.

Laure stepped out of her front door and suddenly found herself stumbling through the air to land ass up, draped over a massive pile of trash.

"Commo!" The chanteuse's elegant voice wailed.

"You screech...you called, my beloved?" Commo remarked as he stood in the doorway, glancing down upon the disheveled Ho in the floor.

With a loud huff, the ex-mediator crawled her way up from the mountain of filled hefty bags to sway unsteadily to her feet. "I thought I told you to take out the garbage," Laure demanded, as Commo looked positively aghast.

"I did remove it from our dwelling," he explained as Laure started tapping her foot in frustration. "But, beloved, this rubbish collecting is beneath my station. Do get the red carted Holy man to take care of this...this...mess," Commo suggested with a dismissive wave of his hand.

"Why you lazy...no good..." Laure began to accuse but was unexpectedly halted by her fallen Emperor who raised a finger to his lips to shush her.

"Forgive me, petunia, I must be off, the links await," he stated, brushing by the Ho as his royalness climbed over the trash and headed towards the exit, leaving Laure to sputter in outrage.

As the Ho stomped her bare foot in indignation, the pile of garbage bags suddenly and unexpectedly shifted, and once again she lost her balance, falling indignantly on her backside vowing to remedy the campus of such upheaval.

~~*~~

With a resounding crash, the door to the General's outer office flew open and promptly slammed into the wall behind it. "Is he in?" Laure demanded as she stormed into the secretary's office.

"Kendra slowly looked up from her computer screen to the Ho before her desk. "He who? Would this 'he' have a name?" the General's secretary quizzed with a raised brow.

Laure hissed quite loudly, before stomping her still bare foot in annoyance as she placed her hands on the edge of Kendra's desk and leaned forward, giving the Water Ho the evil eye. "You know damn well who I'm talking about...the General."

Kendra smiled brightly as she leaned back in her chair and noted the wild-eyed look on the other Ho's face. "Why didn't you say so in the first place," she sighed. "Yes, the Gen is in...he's on the computer checking out the 'Survivor' message board...which I'm not supposed to know about."

This remark prompted a raised brow from the ex-mediator. "Survivor? When did he start that? Oh never mind," Laure groaned before heading towards the General's office. "And while you're at it...get to work. You're supposed to be the General's secretary...a professional. Not a screensaving, drooling lay about," she snapped as she opened the door.

"What's wrong with you? Having a Hooter's flashback?" Kendra shot back as a stapler went flying by the Chanteuse's head to land in the middle of the General's office floor.

The General casually looked up from the computer while tactfully turning off the monitor as he noticed Laure enter the room. "Oh good, Kendra's back from her coffee run," he remarked upon looking at the stapler in his floor as he waved the Ho inside to take a seat. "Please, love, do come in..."

~~*~~

The General cocked an eyebrow as he steepled his fingers before him and listened to what the ex-mediator had been explaining for the past fifteen minutes. "So you see, it's very simple seeing as all the issues I've noted about campus. First, you must get Cal back."

"I see..." the General mused as he looked thoughtfully to the Ho before him.

"I'm tired...err...we're tired of doing all this menial crap around here ourselves. The garbage is piling up, the leaves need raking...and it's putting a crimp into our appointment times," the Ho added as the General just watched silently for another moment before giving her an odd look.

With a deep sigh, the General leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest, as his expression was a mixture of amusement marred with disbelief. "Such menial tasks as taking out the trash, raking leaves and such, build charactah. It will be good for you grrls, you'll appreciate things more," he remarked as Laure's mouth dropped open in a gasp.

"But I don't like taking out my own trash," the Ho said in disbelief.

The General chuckled lowly and gave the Ho his best smirk. "But, Laure dear, you're so cute when the bag busts and you start cursing at it," he grinned with amusement.

Laure wasn't sure if she should object or accept the remark as a compliment as the General looked upon her with wide eyes and his patented padawan expression on his face. "Laure dear, you and Cal form a symbiant circle. You must realize this?"

The Ho just gave the General her best 'what the fuck' look and stood up with a huff. "You've been hitting that absinthe again haven't you?" she remarked before crossing her arms over her chest and staring at the Jedi before her.

The General laughed at the remark and took his glasses off, laying them to the desk. "But, love, though we all miss Cal around campus...his absence has presented us with a unique opportunity to work as a team..."

"Uh huh," Laure mumbled. "This whole campus is falling apart...the library is an eyesore, the garbage is piling up, the leaves are blowing inside the Admin building, I never get my memos from 'your' secretary, and I had to wear freakin neon orange during my roadtrip." She exclaimed as the General stood up and went to hug her but the phone suddenly interrupted him.

"Just a moment, love," he apologized before grabbing the phone. "Yeah...tonight...your place...I'll be there on time...no I won't be late...don't worry about it...just relax, don't get so uptight...I know they're slackahs...could you hold on a moment?" the General asked as he then placed his hand over the mouthpiece.

"Don't worry, I get the hint. We live in dire straights because you think we have a lesson to learn," Laure sighed before leaving, letting the General continue his call. Things were out of hand and she would find a way to correct the situation.

~~*~~

Tara struggled with the pile of clunky shoes in her arms as she walked into the Diva's office. "Here, they're all polished, shined, washed...what have you," she sighed as she dropped them into a tangled mass upon the floor before Emmy's desk.

Emmy raised her brow and looked disdainfully at the jumble before her, while Tara ignored the look and was just getting ready to collapse into a comfy chair when the Diva's unmistakable clearing of her throat stopped her.

"We're not don't yet," Emmy remarked as Tara groaned.

"We're? Just what is this plural stuff?" the Water Ho demanded as the Diva nodded her head in approval.

"Lasher needs a walk," she stated as she glanced to her side and saw the happy doggy wagging her tail in excitement. "Don't you baby...you need a little walky," Emmy cooed as the dog jumped up to get a pat on the head.

"Look...I'm a padawan, not slave labor," Tara corrected as she stood with her hands upon her hips.

Emmy shooed Lasher to Tara and then handed her padawan the leash. "Same thing," the Diva stated as the Water Ho rolled her eyes. "Just ask all the other padawans...it's Master perks."

"Master perks my ass..."Tara mumbled as she snatched the leash form the Diva and then hooked it to Lasher's collar as the dog suddenly made a mad dash to the door, the Water Ho being pulled helplessly behind.

"Don't forget the pooper scooper!" Emmy yelled before relaxing back in her chair with a satisfied smile. "Maybe having a padawan isn't so bad after all," she sighed.

~~*~~

"Just who the hell is that at this time of the day?" Darry snapped as the pounding on the clinic door thundered throughout the room. "GO AWAY!" She shouted as Cic snored peacefully beside her, oblivious to what was going on.

"Darry, open up!" Dor's muffled voice from behind the door screamed.

"GO AWAY! Can't you see the closed sign?" the Nurse yelled before pulling the covers over her head.

"But the damned closed sign is always on your door..."

"So? What's the point?" Darry growled as the pounding on the door continued. "Damnit, can't you see I'm busy." She exclaimed as she shoved Cic awake and he quickly sat up running his hands across his face and trying to gain his bearings.

"Oh you're awake...good," the Nurse remarked with a smile as Cic raised his sexy eyebrow at her.

"Look, if you don't come and open the door, I'll...I'll...what the hell will I do?" Dor could be heard asking from the hallway.

Xani's loud and long suffering sigh could be heard even to the Nurse's bedroom. "You'll huff, and you'll puff, and you'll blow her house in?" he shot back before a resounding 'smack' could be heard. "Oh...frisky, huh?"

"Lady Darry, please, we seek shelter from the horrid conditions of our dwelling," Pelham urged as the Nurse stopped running her finger down her servant's jaw. "Please, I beg of you...don't leave me with these two a moment longer in such squalor."

Darry loudly groaned and couldn't help but grin. "They are in need..."

"If we must," Cic urged as he watched his wife snatch her robe and race for the clinic door. "Be mindful of the... damn..." he winced as the Nurse's threats and shouts could be heard emanating across campus as the elaborate alarm system in the clinic went off. Nearly slicing her in two with its motion detector's laser set on 'kill'.

"Hey! What's going on in there?" Dor shouted as she stopped pounding on the door and got closer, hoping to get a better idea of what was happening. "It sounds like the Nurse is trying to destroy someone," the librarian remarked. "Cool."

Xani quickly unhooked his lightsaber and ignited it as he flashed a wicked smile at his partners. "I say we barge our way in and see what the hell is going on. I like bloodshed...it's so...sexy," he purred before making quick work of the clinic door.

~~*~~

"What are you doing here?" Kymira asked in shock as the General's secretary walked into the pub and went directly behind the counter where Jen was helping, and grabbed her extra, extra, emergency stash of gummy fish.

"I happen to work here upon occasion...besides I promised Judy I'd keep an eye on things while she's off searching for new light fixtures for the bar," Kendra replied.

Jen just shook her head and tsk'd. "Gutsy move you leaving the General unattended today," the Pink Banana Ho remarked.

"Huh? Well he is a big boy, I think I can leave him to his own devices for a little while," the Water Ho replied before her cell phone rang. "Excuse me," she said before answering it as everyone looked on in shock.

"Yes...uh huh...I haven't seen them...really I haven't. Have you looked in the pocket of your leather jacket? No...not there...how about the top drawer of your desk? Fine...what were you last wearing when you went driving? No...I don't remember either...a kilt? Just chill...I'm on my way back...yeah, I've got a spare set...and no...I'm not going to tell you where I keep them...bye," Kendra sighed as she turned off the phone and slipped it into her back pocket.

"Laure was wrong, you do answer the phone," Shana remarked in awe as the gathered Ho's nodded their heads in wonderment.

"Oh...new phone. Kind of a hotline to the General, he thought it would be good for me to have it in case of an emergency and he needed to reach me right away. And what the hell do you mean Laure said I don't answer the phone?" the General's secretary questioned once it sunk in.

"She says she never sees you answering the General's phone," Ky added with a snicker. "Granted, I think she might have been right under normal circumstances."

"Hey, I'll have you know I answer the phone...mostly...some of the time...if it's important they'll call back," Kendra insisted.

"The Swinging Singing Ho also says she's never received any memos from you, so obviously you don't type..." Jen added before Shana chimed in.

"Now that's not quite true, Laure did say Ken typed, it was just while she was on IM chatting with one of us or in some sex chatroom," Shana corrected, as Jen and Ky nodded their heads in agreement.

Kendra's mouth gaped open as she gasped in shock. "I'll have you know I send out memos...just not to her. Why I can't remember, but I know it was something she did ages ago to piss me off. And many a time I'm on IM chatting with the Gen...he's always asking where his boots are, where his glasses could be, what's his password again, why is he not getting all his email...oh and of course we do IM naughty talk," she grinned before suddenly getting indignant again.

"Well all I know is that Laure even blames you for Cal not being on campus," Shana added before grabbing her cup of coffee and heading over to the back table to join Scott for a few.

"Cal? Everyone knows we blame the Nurse," Kendra shouted.

"All I can say is that you'd better watch your step or you'll be out of a job...seems the Hooter grrl thinks you run an inefficient office and she can do it much better, and make the General much happier," Jen explained as Kendra gasped once again.

"Oh like we all believe that one," Emmy remarked as she walked up to the bar. "We all know she'd chintz the General's office, then lock him inside like a bird in a cage and we'd never be able to see him again...then of course we'd have to hunt her down and torture her," the Diva added with a slight glint in her eyes.

"What the hell started this rampage anyway?" Kendra quizzed.

"She fell over some garbage this morning," Julia chirped happily as she strolled up to grab a beer. "Got it all on film too," she grinned sneakily. "But be warned...Laure will probably use that lame 'it was my evil twin' excuse when this all comes to a head."

"Oh great, she's been watching soap operas with Commo again," the Diva replied with her patented eye roll. "Well, if she's on a roll, I'd best say we all just make her life a living hell anyway, it's a slow day after all. Which reminds me, have you seen my Padawan?"

"Yeah, she was going to stop by the General's office and change the printer for him...seems she left it on the glitter setting and the Gen had some sort of 'official' business to take care of..." the secretary explained.

Emmy crossed her arms over her chest and stomped her clunky shoed foot. "On my time," she remarked with annoyance. "I don't think so," she added before turning around to gather up her wayward padawan. "Oh...Ken, you might think of seriously settling into your office for a while...the second your butt leaves your chair, Laure might move in," the Diva added before disappearing.

"She has a point," Julia added. "Well gotta run, have a car appointment with the General."

"Move in? Fine...oh, car appointment...hey wait up a sec, I have to get the Gen's spare keys," Kendra shouted as she scurried out of the pub.

~~*~~

Tara stood before the mirror in her bedroom and stared at her reflection intensely. "Ungrateful...unnnnngrateful...ungraaateful," she practiced with different stances and inflections.

"Princess, princess, princess," the Water Ho exclaimed loudly in her chant as she continued to stand before the full-length mirror.

"Why you ungrateful princess, you," Tara snarled, as her cat ran for the safety of the closet. With one last twirl, and a sudden stop, the Water Ho did the ultimate Emmyism. "BITE ME!" She yelled, but was quickly overcome with laughter and promptly collapsed across the bed in a fit.

"Taaaarrrrrrraaaaaa!" Emmy's voice shouted across campus as the Diva searched for her missing padawan.

"Damn," Tara muttered before pulling the pillow over her head.

~~*~~

Darry could feel someone watching her from the foot of the bed but tried to ignore it as she lay sprawled across her husband, both hidden from view beneath the covers. "Bugger this shit," the Nurse snapped as she pulled the covers off her head to glance to the foot of her bed, finding Pelham standing forlornly watching them.

"Dor! Get your pet!" Darry bellowed.

"What?" Dor shot back from the clinic where she and Xani were playing doctor on the exam table.

~~*~~

The General stepped into his secretary's office and soundly bashed his shin against the edge of something that hadn't been there before he left. "What the..." he mumbled upon seeing the front office cluttered with the Water Ho's entire furnishings from her apartment.

"Oh, you're back early," Kendra remarked as she scooted her chair across the room to sit before him. "You like? Cool, huh?"

"Kendra, love...are you ill? Should I call Darry?" the General asked with concern as he took one last glance at the furniture and then his secretary.

Kendra laughed soundly before rolling her chair across the room to retrieve a tape from the entertainment center, then scooted back to hand it to the General. "No silly, I'm just fine. Besides, I just thought it would be nice to move in here for a little while since my apartment is...well it has a...something wrong," she stammered trying to think of an excuse.

"Something wrong?" The General asked with a twinge of excitement as he could feel the sudden fix-it urge wash over him. "I'll go change, grab my tools and give Qui-Gon a call," he added with male giddiness.

"Ah...no...it's not that bad," Kendra objected as she rolled her chair in front of him to stop him.

"But, love, I just ordered that new fifty-two piece tool set...I'm dying to try it out," the Jedi exclaimed.

"You can't...it's ...it's a slight gas leak in my apartment...yeah...that's it, a gas leak," the General's secretary said quite proud of herself.

The General looked momentarily disappointed, before giving her a wide-eyed grin. "No problem...we'll just be extrah careful," he explained before trying to get past the Ho.

"No! You can't...the gas company is there now...it should be fixed momentarily...but thank you for the concern," she said in a panic as the General's shoulders slumped in disappointment.

"Ah...maybe you can fix my dresser...yeah...the leg is a little wobbly," she suggested on the spur of the moment as she wheeled her chair to the dresser and began kicking the leg till it wobbled. "See...wobble. Then you can go watch the tape with Da Mastah..."

"Fine...I'll get my tools," the General smiled like a kid with a new toy.

~~*~~

"What do you mean the General had an emergency and canceled all his appointments with me for the next week...year?" Laure shouted into the phone. "Yeah right...you think I believe this? You're doing this on purpose...so you admit it...you don't admit it...oh be that way. It is my right to have General appointments...it's in the charter or some nonsense like that."

"Fine, well you just do that, but you're not going to keep me from finding the General. I will boink him any place...anywhere...any time...so there," Laure promised before slamming the phone down.

"Oh no she don't," the chanteuse exclaimed as she grabbed her beat up jeans jacket and left the cabaret on a mission to find the General. "He'll miss me...yes he will...sooner or later...his is busy...right?"

~~*~~

Emmy and Julia stood at the Diva's office window. One with borrowed binoculars from Dande, the other with telephoto lens and camera. "Time to sit back and watch the show," Emmy remarked as she focused in on the ex-mediator who had been searching the campus for the General for the past hour.

"Hey, does Dande know you have her key dish tool?"

"Yeah, yeah. This is her spare set." The Diva answered.

"What's the magnification on that thing?" Julia wondered aloud.

"Baby, I can read the menu at Maximes' from here," Emmy said smugly. "The Wench doesn't use second rate stuff! Hey, there goes Laure."

"She'll never find him," Julia remarked as she finished off another roll of film as Laure headed for the maze but was quickly intercepted by Spike once she stepped foot inside. "Ohhh... good blackmail...err...good action shots," she quickly corrected as she loaded the camera once more and began snapping away.

"Ungrateful," Emmy griped before walking back to her desk to answer the phone.

"Yeah, sure...seminar...what type of seminar...Ohhhh that type of seminar. Sure, let me change and I'll go pick him up...call you first...if you insist," the Diva sighed before hanging up the phone.

"Who was that?" Julia asked from her perch by the window.

"Kendra, she's making the General disappear," Emmy explained as Julia suddenly stopped taking pictures and turned to snarl at the Diva. "No...not us...just disappear from Laure. I've got to come up with some sort of seminar to take the General to today. You know, there is that cooking demo in town...and you know how much I enjoy...oh hell yes. This is definitely a seminar I want to go to...food service...that'll work," Emmy exclaimed before running out the door to change.

"Hmmm...who would have thought the General would enjoy watching Emeril cook," Julia chuckled before glancing back out the window. "Ooh...good thing that maze is shaded from the sun," she thought.

~~*~~

As Emmy walked across campus to secretly retrieve the General from Dande's cottage, the loud speakers came on. "Shoe Clunking Diamond...this is Aquafinia...you've picked up a Singing bogey at two o'clock," Kendra's voice could be heard warning.

"Oh brother, one who thinks she's Radar, the other who's playing 'Where's the General'..." Emmy groaned, then glanced to the entrance of the maze and noticed Laure pulling bits of shrubbery from her hair.

~~*~~

Tara sat at the bar doodling in her notebook, she was supposed to be doing her Master's bidding, but screw that, she had more important things to do. Like work on her latest plan.

"Where the forest meets the sea?" Laure questioned as she sat down at the bar beside the Water Ho and glanced at the doodle on her napkin. "Oh no you don't...not oceanfront property. We've gone that water route before and I am not going to live in a trailer again...especially one that was last occupied by miners," she vowed as Tara sighed.

"But water is our friend," the Water Ho insisted.

"You might have a point, it would wash away all this piled up garbage," the chanteuse winced.

"Laure, have you noticed that the only place that has piled up garbage is in front of your place?" Tara questioned as Laure frowned.

"Well no...I hadn't ...then somebody must be adding to what Commo refuses to take to the incinerator," the singing Ho thought.

Tara didn't say a word, especially about seeing Sere and Julia collecting everyone's garbage earlier that morning and piling it in front of Laure's apartment. "Yeah, fine, whatever," she replied before going back to her grand plan.

"Question...you're up on all this legal mumbo jumbo with the charter, right? Well, I've been appointmentless for six hours today...and I want to call an emergency meeting of the Board to complain about the lack of Cal, the trash build up, the numerous leaves, and oh...getting Kendra to do her job or get out," Laure explained as Tara raised her brow in surprise.

"Well, you saw how far I got on this charter issue...the General burned the book. However, in the midst of all the 'I don't cares,' 'shut ups', and the like, there was article 719-31B-546-P999- something or the other, 'if the General is in jeopardy or harm, an emergency Board meeting can be called by anyone', including Cal," Tara explained.

Laure drummed her fingers against the bar top and thought for a moment. "I call it putting the General in harms way when all this craziness is going on and his secretary is so unorganized...thanks...I'll go check into that with Emmy in the morning, but first I have to tell the miners that it's happy hour in Kendra's office this evening."

"Fine...play nice," Tara sighed as she once again went back to her notebook.

~~*~~

"Hey you! Get your hands off my things," Kendra shouted over the din of rather loud, drunken miners who showed up in her office looking for free drinks. "I'm warning you, touch one more knick knack on my dresser and you'll be sorry."

"You! Get off my bed!" the General's secretary ordered. "Alright, that does it...OUT! EVERYBODY OUT! She screamed at the top of her lungs before grabbing her staple remover and snatching a hulking miner by the ear, dragging him to the door.

In a flurry of staples being shot from the electric stapler, the Ho began to spray the room with ground cover that sent the miners scurrying. "Damn, look what you made me do, I stapled the bedpost," she snapped as the room quickly cleared and she dropped the stapler to her side and sighed.

"Well done, love," the General remarked from the doorway of his office.

"When did you get here? And why didn't you help me?" Kendra demanded, out of breath.

The General strolled forward and gently took the electric stapler from her hand and placed it back on her desk, before kissing her forehead. "Emmy and I just returned, you wouldn't believe what she purchased from this cooking seminah. And as for you and stepping in...nevah...you had it completely under control," he grinned before heading to the door leading into the hallway. "Night, love."

~~*~~

Emmy and Dande sat in the "Accented with Chintz, but Bearable" parlor at the cottage, giggling at the men who were trying to be sneaky about what they were watching in the next room.

"Do they really think we don't know what they're up to?" Emmy asked as she reached for her soda.

"Oh, I'm sure Qui-Gon is quite sure he's got me completely fooled." Dande answered as she filed her nails. "They're so cute when they get like that."

"Well, *Obi* is cute, anyway." Emmy muttered as she mulled it over.

"What, you don't think Da Mastah is cute? Fine, then we can have a nice chat about the time he thought you wanted him for his wanger," Dande giggled helplessly.

"La la la la," Emmy said as she laughed and clapped her hands over her ears.

The phone rang, and Dande looked at it with trepidation.

"What??" Emmy demanded.

"Well, my Wenchichlorians tell me its Laure, looking for the General." Dande said nervously.

"Ohhh, let meeeeeeeeee get it for you Wenchie." Emmy said with a serious, maniacal laughter problem going on.

"Em, do you think that's really the best..." But before she could finish, the Diva snatched the receiver off the cradle.

"Ghostbusters! Whatya want?" Emmy said loudly into the phone.

"Em!" Dande began.

"Nope, not here, haven't seen him. You lose, Nellie. Yeah, that is what I said, so what? Nellie, Nellie, Nellie!"

"Give me that! Emmy! What's gotten into you?" Dande scolded as she snatched the phone.

"Dande! Don't tell her he's here, she might have a Chintz flashback." Emmy said, wide eyed.

"Oh, my." Dande dithered as she thought that over. "H-hello? Hi Laure. So nice to hear from you. Will you come over for tea tomorrow? Yes, I know...I know. Well, she's rather outspoken, yes. But that is what we love about her. Now come on...Is that anyway to talk? Yes, I know she sounded vindictive.... Well, dear, yes, she *can* say anything she wants...It's her right.... Why? Well.... Well.... Because she's the First Wife. You must Undastahnd this.... Ok, sorry, I'll cut the accent out...But really, it's in the contract. How do I know?...How do *I* know? Honey, who do you think is first wife over on this side of the Chintz?"

~~*~~

The General munched happily on Doritos while he and Qui-Gon watched their tape. "Mastah, can you believe that nonsense? That ungrateful little whiner Lindsay should have been voted off last week," Obi-Wan snorted as Qui-Gon growled.

"Definitely, it's such a sad state of life with these new Generation X'ers as my Wishpuff calls them," Da Mastah sighed as he sat in his recliner and sipped on his beer. "But definitely, these elders should just make those slackers suffer," he added, making Obi-Wan look at him and grin.

"I agree, their strategy is incorrect, this separation of the Samburu tribe will be their downfall," the General insisted as Qui-Gon nodded his head in agreement.

"And what of the flip-flopper, young pup who thinks he's in charge...pitiful, absolutely pitiful," Da Mastah sighed.

"If he were in charge of any military troops the entiah battalion would have been wiped out," Obi-Wan smirked before taking a sip of beer.

"Yes, and if he was any Padawan of mine, he'd know what it meant to work hard to achieve his goals. Why, he'd be up at four thirty doing kata's, and then...."

Obi Wan made a miserable face and waved his hand at his former Master. "Yes, yes I know, Mastah. I was there, remembah?"

Without word, Dande suddenly glided into the den and stood in the doorway looking at her two boys, and couldn't help but smile warmly. "Mastah, darling...do you two need anything else? More beer? Chips? Snickerdoodles?"

Qui-Gon quickly hit the remote on the VCR to cut it off and then turned the television to ESPN. "Wishpuff, I didn't expect you," he exclaimed as Obi-Wan couldn't help but chuckle, but quickly calmed down when his former Master gave him the 'Master glower'. "Ah no, Puff dear, we're fine," he insisted.

"Just yoo-hoo if you boys need anything," Dande insisted as she hid her amusement and slowly backed out of the room.

Da Mastah waited a few more moments before turning the VCR back on and watching the tape of 'Survivor'. "Damn that was close," he growled as his former Padawan started laughing and nearly choked on his Doritos.

~~*~~

"What happened?" Emmy asked Dande as the two snickered over the boys getting caught red VCR'd.

"Well, they are griping about the slackers." Dande began. "QG is very perturbed, and recounting what they would face if they were Padawans of his."

"Ohhh, lemmie guess. And Obi was remembering the misery." Emmy laughed.

"Yes, and then they began to say things like 'Look at those dumb asses! Remember our mission on Yavin. I'd like to see any of those slackers make it through something like that!' And then the General agreed, and started reminiscing about the Hoth expedition."

"Ohhh, I've heard him talk about that one before," Emmy said clearing her throat. "You must undahstahnd, we were without annathang to combat the cold. We were stuck in a hail storm the likes of which you've nevah seen. Why, if we hhhaaandt been Jedi, we'd have been frozen solid!"

Both women dissolved into laughter. Emmy wiped her eyes and continued her imitation of the General's speaking voice. "We hhhad to walk up hill, both ways! In the snow."

Dande chimed in with a Mastahly imitation "That's right, Padawan. And we were grateful!"

Their fit of giggles was interrupted by a deep voice from the den.

"Alllriiiight. Enough! Or I'll show you Jedi discipline." He said with a mocking rumble.

"Ohh, Promise?" Dande answered.

"Ewwwww." Emmy couldn't help but comment.

"Emmy, are you being nice?" The General called out. "Because if your not..."

"You'll what?" She challenged.

"I'll find you, crush you into tiny bits and blahhst you into oblivion."

"Oh, you're such a wit." Emmy said with feigned sarcasm. "It's a good thing you sound so pretty threatening me."

"At your service, Mi Lady."

~~*~~

"I see you're up bright and early," Emmy remarked as Laure stumbled into the Dean's office.

Laure flopped soundly into the chair before the Diva's desk and groaned. "No thanks to that damned secretary the General has..."

"Oh, I heard about that, all those Wanker boys showing up at your show last night in the cabaret," the Dean chuckled as Laure glared at her. "So how long did it take for you to ditch them? They were quite...persistent in their advances," the Diva outright laughed.

"Yeah right, I've spent all night trying to outrun them and siccing Spike on their sorry little pimply butts," the chanteuse smiled evilly. "Which brings me to my issues...I insist that the Board be called together for an emergency meeting."

Emmy just waved her hand dismissively and smirked. "Whatever...What's got a burr up your butt?"

"I told you...I know for a fact, because Tara told me so. That in the charter, number something or other says that anyone can call an emergency Board meeting when they feel the General is in danger," she explained.

"In danger from what? Your chintz disorder?" the Diva retorted.

Laure narrowed her eyes on the other Ho and fake smiled. "Ha, ha...at least I'd take care of the General, unlike some of us. No, I'm talking about that secretary of his."

"Oh please, Kendra? Like she'd put the General in danger...yeah right. And what do you propose to do? Call the Board together to oust her? Like that would happen, I know for a fact that Dor won't even show up unless you brought doughnuts."

"Fine, I'll supply a truck load of freakin doughnuts. But something has to be done...the Water Ho is completely inefficient, unorganized, and has taken all the General appointments away from me."

"What did you do to get her pissed off at you? Everyone on campus knows, you don't piss off the General's secretary since she holds the appointment book," Emmy reminded. "You don't see me doing that, the only time I miss appointments now is if the General is acting stupid."

"I didn't do anything...she did, maybe the General might like to know that all she does is nothing," Laure shot back.

"Nellie," the Diva exclaimed.

"I am not a Nellie," the ex-mediator objected as she quickly stood up and stomped her foot.

"Nellie, Nellie, Nellie," Emmy grinned.

Laure promptly turned around and headed to the door. "Mark my words, there will be a Board meeting, if I have to prepare the damned doughnuts and special orders myself," she snapped.

"Your bows are showing...Nellie," the Dean chuckled as the chanteuse walked out and down the hall. "You forgot one important thing...the General is on the Board...I don't think he's going to vote his own secretary out with a recall vote," she shouted, but found Kendra standing in the hallway, just getting ready to go into her office.

"The General? The Board? Vote out? Recall?" Kendra mumbled in alarm as her whatevers were showing. "He wouldn't do that to me...would he? I mean, I've been through so much, the pink spandex, Da Mastah's wanger issues, those pointy toed shoes...my Marilyn hair," she wailed with horror.

"Just calm down...nothings going to happen..." the Diva tried to sooth but the secretary wasn't listening.

"He doesn't appreciate me...he doesn't want me...I mean, he hasn't even bought me that yacht I've been wanting, and let's not go into the car issue, I don't have one of those either. But damnit, I want my yacht," Kendra demanded before going into her office, and slumping down at her desk as the Diva watched.

"Oh great, now her whatevers are in an uproar," the Dean groaned. "Somebody get Dande," she ordered to nobody since her Padawan was still AWOL.

~~*~~

Over in the cottage, Dande abruptly stopped massaging Da Mastah's shoulders and stood up.

"Something is not right!"

"Wishpuff, my shoulders?" Da Mastah prompted with a serene look on his face. He'd been sparring with Obi-Wan all morning, and his Wench knew just how to work those knots out of his muscles. Vaguely, Da Mastah wondered who'd be rubbing his former Padawan down. ::Do Ho's give rub downs?:: he asked himself.

"Oh yes Mastah, they do. If properly motivated by reciprocation." Dande answered.

"Were you in my head again, Puff?"

"Would I do that?" She asked coyly.

Da Mastah smiled indulgently at his Wench. She was quite saucy.

"Ahhh, Dande, my...massage?" He questioned with a raised brow as the Big Haired one made a beeline for the kitchen.

"Sorry Mastah. It's Kendra...."

"But you were only rubbing my shoulders, surely *that* doesn't set her whatevers off, I was relaxed, not...you know."

"No, Dear, it's not us.... You knowing...This time. Check her signature. She's in an uproar."

Qui-Gon sighed as he felt the secretary's Force signature. "She is a very high strung little creature." He muttered in a Fathaly, protective way. "What are you doing now?"

"Well, I have to go over to the Admin building."

"Right. But why are you grabbing tupperware?"

"I have to bring her cookies! What's wrong, aren't you paying attention? She's upset...Oh, where is my two-quart square cookie keeper" Dande muttered as she dug through the cupboard. "Xani! He never returned it...."

"Puff, don't tell me you let Xani touch your tupperware? Hmm? I don't even like to think about it."

Dande laughed softly. "Don't worry Mastah," she said as she pressed a kiss to his broken nose. "No one gets their hands in my cookie jar but you."

"Good. And just what does this Mastah have to do to get a back rub around here anyway?" He asked with fake crossness in his tone. "What is this world coming to when a retired Jedi Master can't..."

Dande broke out laughing as Qui-Gon smirked and handed her another tupperware container from the cupboard.

Dande smiled brightly and started packing up the cookies.

"How do you know what kind to bring each of them?" He asked her in bewilderment.

"A Wench just knows, Dear." She called over her shoulder. As she shut the cottage screen door behind her, he called out in his best put upon tone. "Will you continue to neglect me? Will I be fed dinner? Or must I forage for Cara and myself? I guarantee you, I've eaten things on missions that would keep you up nights with nightmares."

"Such a poor, mistreated man." Dande tsk'd with a smile on her face. "Goodness, yes. I'll be back in time to feed you. Please don't try to get Cara to eat any of the strangeness Obi-Wan recounts when he's over visiting. Since you're having so much fun pretending to be ruffled, what would you like for dinner then? Mastah's choice."

At this he let his fake pout slip a bit and raised a brow. "You mean it? Mastah's choice?"

"Do I evah renig on an offer of Mastah's choice?" She asked coyly.

At this, he grinned wolfishly. "No. You never have, my Wench. That is why I love you. Now, I think for your crimes against the crown, my dinner should be...What's that thing you make that I always like?..."

"Liam Neeson's recipe for Irish lamb stew?" Dande asked giggling.

"Right. That's it. And, will you make bread pudding?"

"Will you thud me?" The Wench asked saucily.

"That won't be a problem."

~~*~~

"What the hell," Laure sighed as she glanced across campus while still searching for the General and noticed Commo swinging by his bound feet from the flagpole.

"Better go rescue him before the blood all rushes to his brain and something happens," Julia remarked as she walked past the ex-mediator and focused the camcorder on the fallen Emperor. "Oh, by the way...you're getting cold," the camera toting Ho shouted back with a laugh.

~~*~~

Dor toyed with the nozzle on the container while she and Darry sat in the clinic and glanced around. "What do you want to do today?" the librarian asked, sounding bored.

"I know what 'I' want to do today, but it's damn distracting doing it while Pelham stands at the foot of the bed and sighs," the Nurse snapped as the sounds of male bonding over a game of Nintendo could be heard emanating from the seldom used den.

"That's not my fault," Dor objected. "You let the man sleep in the bed last time I kicked him out. It's like feeding a stray cat...wait, that reminds me, has anyone seen Kendra's loose Padawan?"

"Padawan? What padawan? Oh like I did that on purpose...so what if I did? Anyway, should we be letting those three have a good time without us?"

"Hell no, what are we going to do about it?"

Darry smiled wickedly while suddenly breaking out in uncontrollable laughter, as Dor quickly joined her. "What the hell is so funny?" Dor demanded between belly laughs.

"Don't know, but I wish it would stop," the Nurse sighed as tears of mirth ran down her cheeks. "I was thinking, let's get the boys to fight," she laughed as Dor nearly toppled off the counter while giggling.

"Sounds good, Cic and Xani could never have too many scars," the librarian sighed as she continued to laugh.

"Dor, did you play with the laughing gas?" Darry happily asked, as the Wo nodded her head merrily in agreement.

"Of course. Now we just have to get Cic drunk and Xani on Zima and the fight is on. And it will be gooood, tooooo." Dor grinned before finally toppling off the counter with a dull thud as she fell to the floor in a heap.

The Nurse just laughed louder as she slowly made her way over to the canister of laughing gas and turned the valve off, before looking down at the Wo. "You know nothing better be broken, cause I'm not fixing your ass," she insisted with a smile as Dor groaned between hiccups.

~~*~~

Now Kendra, relax. I'm sure the General wants you for his secretary." Dande said soothingly.

"He better! I work my ass off...Well, I work. Yes I do! And if Laure thinks I don't, she's just wrong! But what if, what if the General believes her??" Kendra wailed.

"I don't think that will happen. He wouldn't think you were slacking off or not taking care of him when he loses things, would he?"

"I don't *think* so. He never has before. I'm sure I can keep the General occupied with things for quite a long, long time. It's not like he ever questions me about the appointment schedule or what I do.

"Of course he doesn't dear. He trusts you to handle that for him. After all, that is your job. I'm sure he wouldn't question you at all. He requested you to take over the position, right?" The Wench questioned.

Kendra nodded mutely. Considering her options.

Dande continued her Wench reasoning. "I don't think the General questions any of you when you carry out the duties he's asked each of you to undertake for him. Well, except maybe Emmy. I often hear him saying 'Emmy, are you being nice?' But I think that is some joke between them, because then they both start snickering."

Kendra laughed.

"So I'm sure he has the utmost confidence in you, Dear," Dande finished. Satisfied that her work here was done, she began to contemplate Wenching Da Mastah that evening as she'd promised, and imagined all the ways he might be planning to thud her.

Suddenly, Kendra's lip poked out and trembled.

"What's the matter, Hon? Didn't we just agree that the General has confidence in you and respects your talents?"

"Does he really though? I mean he won't even buy me a yacht," Kendra stammered. "But Emmy said she's sure he's just having one custom made for me, and it's taking some time."

Dande shook her head in disbelief. "Kendra, listen to me carefully now...." She began slowly.

"What??"

"Have you asked the General for a yacht? Does he actually *know* you want one??"

"Well, no. Not exactly. But he should just *know* right? I mean, I deserve it, and I'll protect it, and then...It will be allll miiiine...I will be all powerful!..."

"Yes Dear. You are right on with the DPP thing. But remember, he's a man, and they need really reeeeely clear instructions on these things."

"I don't believe it. He'll just know. He damn well better!" Kendra remarked with agitation.

"I hate to break this to you sweetie, but men are just not quick on the uptake like that. You need to give him a hint. Like, you find a picture on the net of the EXACT yacht you want, email it to him with a note."

"Oh, real subtle." Kendra grimaced.

"True, but to him, it *will* seem subtle."

"Are you sure about that?" The Water Ho asked dubiously.

"Yes, of course. For example, where were his glasses the last time he couldn't find them?"

"On his head." Kendra muttered with a resigned sigh.

"There, you see? If he can't even sense his own glasses are on his head, how is he going to know you want a yacht? Why not send him that picture, and say...'Buy this for me and we can christen it together. Yes, I'm serious about this, you won't regret it.' And see what that does." Dande suggested.

"Oh, maybe! But I *still* say he should know. He's a Jedi, Dande, I mean, doesn't that count for something?"

Dande sighed. "Kendra, you know what my mom, the Dark Side Wench says?"

"Your mom is a Dark Side Wench?" Kendra asked in disbelief.

"Yesssss, but I don't talk about it much. Terrible family scandal," Dande whispered.

"I can imagine. You know, I bet that goes back to your "Need to be the Perfect Wench" whatevers...I mean, from a clinical standpoint...ahhh," Kendra stammered as Dande glared at her. "Ok, sorry. You were saying? What does she say?"

"She says...'They're only men, dear. You can't expect them to have any sense," Dande repeated.

Kendra muttered to herself. "Dumb arse Jedi...Should know these things!"

"Send him an email telling him just how you'd christen the yacht with him, and he'll quit gasping about the price. If you are nawtay in your note, he might still gasp, but in a good way," Dande giggled.

"Ok, I'll do it. But now, don't go getting jiggy over there in Chintz Heaven (tm) when you leave, or it will get my whatevers all in an uproar, and I won't be able to concentrate on making the General gasp in a good way!"

"Don't worry, doll, I have to go to the store to get stuff for Da Mastah's dinner. Knock yourself out. But FYI, you might want to have a few mega-rita's tonight, because I do have a Thud date for later on." Dande said as she waggled her eyebrows.

"Geeeeeez! You...Perve! Man! That is just evil of you to tell me that!" Kendra yelled after Dande, as the Wench swept out of the room and headed for the local supermarket. "And hey, get me a copy of the latest rag, the one with the big foot love slave story! I need it for my 'Evidence' file!"

"Sure thang, sweetie!" Dande sing songed on her way out.

~~*~~

This will be priceless, Julia mused as she finished making last minute checks of all her recording equipment in the boardroom. It wasn't every day that an emergency meeting of the Regents was called, and a catered full-course meal was sitting about the long table as Ho's and General slowly began to gather.

"This had better be damn good, cause I left a cut and bleeding servan...patient in my clinic," Darry exclaimed as she stormed into the room. "I need to check on the scaring," she insisted.

"Two patients, oh and one that passed out at the sight of blood," Dor corrected as she suddenly spotted the beautiful green and white box that contained her assortment of doughnuts, and she rushed over there to them and sighed lovingly while collapsing into a chair.

"Snickerdoodle, chocolate chip cookies, anyone?" Dande asked as she glided into the boardroom, ready for her first meeting. "I'm so honored to be here! Will someone be burned at the stake?"

The General then walked in with his secretary, if she was being voted out, then she should at least be allowed to attend. "Don't worry, love, nothing will happen, this is just a formality...oh look, Corellian ale," he remarked as he reached for a bottle as his secretary winced while she flopped into a chair.

"I'm dead," Kendra groaned as the Board of Regents chowed down on the banquet spread provided by Laure.

"So, why the hell are we here anyway?" Darry demanded as she piled her plate high. "We all know you want Kendra's job, so what makes you feel you're qualified to take it?"

Laure sat nibbling on a scone and sipping her tea. "I'm overly qualified, thank you very much," she corrected.

"Yeah right, Hootering," Emmy smirked as she sat beside the General.

"Nobody is taking anybody's job away," the General insisted as he glanced at his silent secretary. "The Board voted Kendra in at my request...she's 'my' secretary, there is no danger to me," he added rather possessively.

"See, told you," Shana shot back. "So when do we get to watch the home movies?"

Laure groaned before standing up. "Look, I requested a revote, so that's what it will be. And while we're at it...what about getting Cal back? I'm tired of all this garbage."

"To be fair, the garbage is only in front of your place," Julia corrected as Laure took a deep, calming breath.

"Laure, love, as I told you...taking out the garbage builds charactah," the General insisted. "But if you still request a vote, so be it, we must follow the rules the Board set down."

"Which reminds me...just as soon as we're done here, we need to change this little charter loop hole, I don't have time for this, I have fall shoes to buy," the Diva whispered to Shana.

"Alright, those in favor of keeping Kendra raise your..." Emmy began but was interrupted by Dande.

"Shouldn't the condemned be allowed to speak," the Wench questioned. "Sorry, hon," she quickly apologized to Kendra for calling her condemned.

"Well? I guess," the Diva mused. "We've never done that before."

"Love, do you have anything to say in your defense?" the General asked as Kendra nodded her head in the negative, but just as the voting was getting ready to start again she shouted for them to stop.

"Hells, can't we make this quick?" Darry groaned as she glanced to her Cartier watch.

Kendra stood up and looked at the gathered Board. "Yeah, I have something to say...Number one, I wouldn't harm the Gen, I happen to love the General. Number two, I work as hard as anyone else does in this room," she stated as those around her mumbled softly at the last remark.

"And number three, isn't there some rule about a member of staff suddenly changing their professions without the Board's permission?" the General's secretary asked as Laure suddenly began choking on her scone, leaving Julia to smack her on the back.

The General raised his brow and cocked his head to the side before glancing down the table to Laure who was breathing heavily. "Laure? I do think Kendra has a point," he mused aloud.

"Oh...I turned my paperwork in...I must have," Laure stammered. "Alright, fine, I changed my profession without going to the Board, so sue me," she exclaimed as Shana suddenly perked up. "Figure of speech," the ex-mediator added upon seeing the gleeful look in the Paperwork Ho's eyes. "But look, no one listened to me. They just kept on fighting."

"Ummm, We're HO'S! Hello, McNellie! We dew whot we wan tew," Emmy chimed in from across the table.

"Laure, why don't you be the mediator again? I miss you. And, no one listens to me either, but I just do my psych thing and have fun. I mean, mostly people come over and we gossip and eat cookies and shop. Emmy and the General made up stuff to tell me during their 'couples counseling' but I just keep rolling," Dande said happily.

Obi Wan and the Diva exchanged shame faced looks, and the General stammered a bit.

"I'm sorry, Dande, you were so very pregnant, and we didn't want to upset you, sooo..."

(Emmy thought it was adorable the way his cheeks were flushing)

"Oh, don't worry about it, Dear. It was sweet of you, really. You're such a nice young man." Dande said, waving off any further apology.

"Umm, the VOTE?" The Nurse questioned tersely.

"All in favor of keeping Kendra as the General's secretary say yes," Emmy instructed as food filled grunts of agreement echoed about the table. "Good, everyone wanting to make Laure's life a living hell say yes," she added as the General gave the Diva a raised brow. "Fine...at least make her fill out the damned paperwork."

"In triplicate," Shana added as the General nodded his head in agreement.

"So be it, Laure dear, please fill out the necessary paperwork, I'm sure Shana will provide you with what you need," he stated as he ran his hands through his hair and sighed.

Darry and Dor suddenly got to their feet, Darry carrying a plate of food, Dor the spare box of doughnuts. "Must get back to the clinic to tend to my patients," the Nurse exclaimed as she rushed for the door.

"Me too. Hey Wench, I know you made these brownies for Xani, but tough. I want them." Dor added as they both disappeared.

"We really must discuss getting her a raise," the General considered as the gathered Ho's groaned in protest. "Darry, not Dorotea," he explained as everyone groaned once again.

~~*~~

Laure sat at the bar sipping her margarita and trying to fill out the mountain of paperwork Shana had sent her. Suddenly there was the irritating screech of metal against metal outside on the sidewalk, making her sigh loudly. "I'm really losing it...now I'm imagining hearing Cal's wagon as he takes trash to the incineration," she moaned before she felt the General's hand slide down her back as he took a seat beside her.

"No you're not losing it," he chuckled. "Granted, Emmy still insists you did over the past couple days...what does she call it? Too much exposure to neon orange," he grinned as the chanteuse winced at the memory.

"Don't tell her, but I think she might be right," Laure groaned as it suddenly occurred to her what the General said. "If I'm not losing it any more, then that's really Cal and his little red wagon?" she asked hopefully.

The General couldn't help but smile when he saw that look in her eyes. "Yes, Kendra suggested that Cal might need rescuing from Wanker U...so myself and Qui-Gon went in the middle of the night on a rescue mission and brought him home. It was quite easy, considering they had him tied to a stake in the middle of their soccah field," he mused with a chuckle.

"So she was right about that at least," Laure remarked as the General raised a brow at her. "Alright, I know...and I'm glad Cal is back, there's so much that needs to be taken care of."

"Well I still feel you grrls should help out some," the Jedi insisted as it was now Laure's turn to raise her brow in concern. "Howevah, I do realize that some activities do tend to cut into our appointment schedule," he grinned wickedly as he took the ex-mediator by the hand. "And if I'm not mistaken, our time togethah was forfeit because of my seminah with that chef...so what do you say I show you some of my...cooking skills," he grinned as Laure grinned back.

"You did miss me," she exclaimed before wrapping her arms around his neck and hugging him tight.

~~*~~

Late that night, with a deep sigh of relief, and a little jet lag, Judy walked into the bar and dropped her luggage in the doorway. "I'm back!" She smiled as she glanced around her beloved pub, as the gathered Ho's still lounging around quickly joined her.

"So, did I miss anything good while I was gone?" she questioned.

"Nah...same old, same old," someone shouted from the back of the group.

"Good," Judy sighed tiredly before she glanced to her pristine bar top and noticed a note addressed to her. "Hmmm?" she mused before walking over to retrieve the note and began reading it...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Judith,

Leave the luggage where it sits and meet me at your place. I'll be waiting.

Love, OW

PS. I'm keeping the bed warm, and the champagne chilled. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Judy just grinned wickedly and did exactly as told, leaving the luggage where it landed, and quickly making her way to her apartment. Welcome homes were so good on campus. ~~*~~

fini