Title: Revenge with a Smile on her Face 1/2
Author: Laure, former Mediator, soon to be Cabaret Star
Rating: AMSS (Atrocious Mary Sue Sap)
Disclaimer: I don't think any of you will let me play with you anymore after this; GL certainly would pitch a hissy fit.
Author's Note: Really, I'm a nice person. I'm just slightly disturbed. And I like you all, even if Laure is mean to you. And the end is totally sappy and pointless and a real downer. And now no one's gonna want to read it...

Laure awakened with a start, sitting bolt upright in bed, her hand clutching her chest as her heart pounded loudly in her ears. Next to her, Commo stirred, mumbled something that sounded suspiciously like 'Lucilla', and cuddled against her hip, one hand wrapping around her knee.

Shaking free of him, Laure slid from the bed and opened her dresser. Digging through piles of silk and satin, she found a few articles of clothing she'd recovered from the hell pit aka the geyser fka the administration building, and quickly dressed.

After running a brush rather negligently through her hair, she left the trailer. It was early morning and a slight fog hung over the lake, mingling from the remnants of smoke from the various bonfires. Standing on her front stoop, she stuck her hands in her back pockets and let the quiet wash over her.

Her reverie was broken by the jarring sight of a large duck shaped mailbox festooned with even more ducks sitting at the end of what might conceivably be called a path. Wrinkling her brow, she walked towards it, enjoying the feel of soft dirt between her toes. Opening the duck head, she pulled out a missive from the General.

After reading something insane about homeowners' associations, she crumpled the letter, stuck it back in the duck shaped box, braced one foot on the post and pushed with all her might until it toppled over.

Smiling, Laure brushed her hands together and returned to her stoop, where she was met by a yawning, stretching Commo.

"It's barely dawn," he whined. "Whatever are you doing up?" As he blinked his eyes open, they widened at the sight of her. "My love, what are you doing in men's clothing?" Jerking off his robe, he tried to cover her with it.

"Twenty first century, Commo, get with the program." She passed him, heading for the kitchenette.

He followed, asking in a confused voice, "Program? On the television?"

"Commo, I need to do a lot of thinking today. Why don't you go to the golf club. Play a couple rounds, find some poker buddies, whatever. Stay there till dark."

"Are you ill? Should I fetch the leech?"

"Call her that and she'll probably make you eat some leeches."

Commo frowned even more. "Laure, I am most vexed."

"Yeah, me, too." She slapped him on the shoulder and flipped the coffee pot on.

"Your leggings have a hole in the knee. I can see your bare skin," he whispered, scandalized.

Laure looked down past the soft hot pink tank top at the ancient, faded nearly white in places jeans with the hole in the knee and a patched one in the seat, and grinned. "And I'm not wearing a bra."

"I shall arrange for an early tee time," he choked out as he fled to the bedroom.

*****

After Commo fled for the golf club, Laure spent several hours setting things into motion, sending Cal running errands throughout the trailer park. She also told him to wash the damn orange and black paint off his face and get rid of the horns because he was never going to become a Sith no matter how hard he tried.

He cried all the way to the Nurse's where she gave him something else to cry about.

Whistling 'Stop Draggin' my Heart Around', Laure puttered around the kitchenette, preparing tea for her first guest.

*****

Xani gave her a suspicious look, but took the proffered seat and cup of tea. "This is a new look."

"When in Rome," Laure quipped.

"More like Squirrel Holler," he quipped back, taking a sip. "Hm, bergamot?"

Laure smiled sweetly and sipped her own tea. "Do you like it?"

Xani cocked one eyebrow and stretched his feet out comfortably in front of him. "It has an exotic taste...rather like you."

"I have the perfect treat to go with it." Rising to her feet, Laure moved behind Xani.

He never saw it coming.

Smiling even wider, Laure hefted Commo's spare driver and looked down on Xani's slumped form. "Think I should market Zima tea?"

*****

As no one seemed to be actually doing anything outside their hovels, Laure had no problem preparing Xani for guests.

Surprisingly, the first knock on her door was from Lord Pelham. The exchanged pleasantries and he took held her chair for her then sat on the sagging sofa.

"My lady, are you well?"

Laure smiled benignly at the lavender lord and offered him tea-- real tea, no Zima. He took it, frowning slightly as he eyed her clothes.

"I was under the impression that you purchased a new wardrobe."

"Sometimes a girl likes a change of pace."

Pelham's lips formed a moue of distaste, but he refrained from commenting as she crossed one leg over the other and he could see dirt on the bottom of the swinging foot.

"About Xanatos..."

"Yes?" Laughing eyes sparkled at him over a tea-cup. Far from innocent and laughing eyes.

He frowned even more. "While he does make a delightful decoration, how long do you plan to leave him hanging there?"

"Till he learns his lesson."

One sculpted eyebrow arched to his hairline.

"He does give new meaning to the phrase 'blue balls'," she continued.

Pelham gave her a scandalized look.

*****

"As much as I like to humiliate Xani, I must insist that you let him down," Dorotea ordered as she stomped towards Laure's trailer thirty minutes after her stylish lover had left. Laure had spent that time planning how to landscape the trailer and listening to muffled yells of pleading outrage coming from the rear of the trailer.

Laure smiled and shook her head, her mane of blonde hair blowing in the breeze. "Nope."

"I told you I'd take care of him."

"Dorotea, dear, you really should watch out for yourself. I know you had a hand in the desecration of my trailer."

Dorotea flushed but blustered on, "You really need to get a sense of humor."

"Why? You get pissed off, you turn people into chickens and make parts freeze up. Emmy throws tiaras and/or fits. Darry throws phones and purple lightnings things to pieces. Why can't I get pissy and get revenge?"

"Because, because..."

"Xani's behind half of the misery at this place, so I strung him naked to the end of my trailer."

"And painted his wanger blue!"

"Yes, that was a nice touch, if I do say so myself."

"How the hell did you get him tied up? He's a Jedi."

Laure leaned against the post on her stoop, eyes glittering rather dangerously. "He tends to think that my vindictive streak is humorous and he believes that I'd never do anything to harm him. So, is it really a surprise that he'd drink Zima laced tea from my hand?"

"You're really freaking me out, Laure."

"Good."

Growling, Dorotea stormed off as Xani howled into his gag for her to turn Laure into a toad.

*****

Tapping the heavy wrench in her free hand, Laure whistled "Rhiannon" while she eyed the permanently locked in place shut- off valve. Spinning on her bare foot, she strolled from Tara's rather rusted trailer to Kendra's next door and repeated the vandalism.

You really could learn anything on the Internet, including how to tamper with water flow.

*****

Opening the door to the makeshift Pub, Laure gave a fleeting sad thought to what might have been--one big ass closet--and strolled up to the makeshift bar--a plank over a couple of beer barrels.

Judy's eyebrows shot up, but she continued to polish the glass in her hands. "We have beer and more beer."

"Beer's fine." Laure leaned one elbow on counter and popped a pretzel in her mouth while Judy pulled a draft.

"I've never seen you drink beer. In fact, I've never seen you without makeup or wearing pants, not to mention the complete lack of shoes. Are you feeling well."

"I feel perfect." She chugged her beer and turned to survey the scruffy contingent of miners and scattered EAs filling the Pub. Baseball was on the 13 inch black and white tv, but no one was watching it.

They were all staring at her.

Laure smiled back and finished her beer, then set the mug aside to lean back on both elbows and run her eyes over the gawking men.

Qui-Gon rose from his seat in the corner to approach her a bit cautiously.

"Laure? Would you like to talk, little one?"

"Qui-Gon, don't call me that."

His eyes widened. "But, I thought..."

"That I liked it. No," She gently patted his arm. "I didn't mind it, but I never really liked it."

"Why didn't you ever say anything?" He gave her a puzzled look.

"Because it made you happy, and making people happy is what I did."

"But, you're not happy," Qui-Gon surmised.

"I'm getting there." Laure's smile slid away and she gave him a serious look. "Do you know how hard it is not to be one hundred percent Ho or one hundred percent Wench? There's no balance that works."

His brow furrowed and he shook his head sympathetically.

"Being caught between two worlds sucks." Leaning up, she brushed a kiss across his cheek, then strolled from the Pub.

*****

Wandering through the trailer park, Laure rolled her eyes at the rocking trailer emblazoned with orange and purple fire and lightning and a really nasty picture of the BSB. From the dented top, the dragon snorted happily in its sleep, sending out little bursts of flame. Laure stopped in front of an extremely tacky fountain of a boy peeing, and smirked.

The door to the trailer opened and Darry, wearing only a long wrinkled scrubs shirt, wandered out, cigarette dangling from her lips.

"No, no, you need the dusty rose chenille robe, fuzzy slippers and curlers to complete the picture, not your usual outfit."

Darry stared at her best friend in total disbelief. "What the hell have you done to yourself?"

Smiling, Laure shrugged and plucked the cigarette from the Nurse's mouth. She took a deep drag and exhaled slowly.

Darry's mouth dropped open. "You've totally flipped, haven't you."

Laure handed her back the cigarette and replied cheerfully, "Give Cic a big kiss hello from me," before heading across the compound to the sudden screams of Water Ho's deprived of their livelihood.

Reaching her trailer, Laure sat down on the stoop, wrapping her arms around one drawn up knee. She was barely seated comfortably before Tara and Kendra came barreling up to her followed at a more leisurely pace by Kymira and Jen.

"What did you do?" Tara demanded.

"No water, no water," Kendra moaned.

"Master?" Kymira asked, a bit hesitantly.

"Um, why is Xani tied to the end of the trailer nekkid?" Jen asked, a bit curious.

"GAH," Kendra yelled, covering her eyes.

"Hey, that's some of the flourescent blue paint we..." Jen broke off and whistled guiltily.

"Painted my trailer with, yes I know."

Kymira tried to bluster her way out of it. "It was a joke, Master. You know, a way to let off steam in the face of our trailer trashhood."

"And I take jokes so well, my Padawan?"

"Er..."

"Water, you turned off our water. We can't get it back on," Tara yelled.

"Hm, pity," Laure replied, the smile still affixed to her face.

"You're creeping me out," Kymira muttered.

"Boy, no wonder Dor likes Xani so much," Jen added, still admiring the bound, gagged and struggling Greysider.

"Jen! That's not the point," Kendra yelled, waving her arms wildly in the direction of her seated tormentor. "How are we supposed to bathe?"

Laure shrugged. "You could go bathe in the lake. I figure public nudity is the next step in our regression to savages." She smiled in Xani's direction.

"I can't frolic with the General in public," Kendra replied, scandalized by the suggestion.

"I guess you won't be frolicking with him, then."

"You can't deprive us of our General given right to him," Tara snapped back, face red with anger and frustration.

"I would never do that, regardless of the Dean's slanderous accusations to the contrary." The serene look on Laure's face sent Tara lunging at her, only to be stopped by Jen and Kymira grabbing her.

"You could always forgo the water and just do it in bed," Jen supplied helpfully.

"GAH," both Water Ho's yelled.

"You'll pay for this," Kendra swore as she and Tara stormed off.

"I know just the thing to make them happy," Jen began, pulling her cell phone out of her pocket. "The Pink Banana has this water squirter shaped like a..."

Kymira quickly held up a hand, "I don't want to know."

Jen punched speed dial and gave her name. As she started to launch into her order, she gasped and turned white.

Smiling serenely, Laure scuffed her toes in the dirt in front of her trailer. "Do you think pansies or petunias would grow better at the foot of these steps?"

"Jen, are you okay?"

Growling, Jen flung herself at Laure, who scooted up the step and out of the way.

"She cut off my account and told them I was a debt risk!"

As Jen ran for her car to head into the nearest Pink Banana outlet to try to fix her credit, Kymira stammered, "Um, Master, you didn't do anything to me, did you?"

"Did you help with the hubcaps or was it your idea for the lawn gnomes?"

"Um..." Kymira turned and fled.

The sound of a camera from the end of the trailer sent Laure strolling towards Xani. She smiled at Sere and Julia, who gawked back at her.

"We heard you'd gone nuts." Julia stuck a microphone in her face. "Care to comment?"

"I'm simply getting into the spirit of things here in our trailer park. It's what everyone wanted, right?"

"This is better than staples," Sere said, pointing at Xani with her camera. "The blue paint is just the right touch."

He growled from behind the ball gag.

"Personally I like the pink flamingo between his legs."

"Public humiliation is the only thing that seems to make any impact on any of you," Laure replied. "Though I figure nothing really bothers you for long."

The sisters shot each other looks.

"Um, Laure, we had nothing to do with any of this," Julia said slowly.

"So I heard. You were earning money to buy new equipment. I'm sure you had some hidden cameras filming the whole mess, though. Give me all the copies and teach me how to cheat at Sabbaq, and I won't have to hurt you."

Another look passed between the two Ho's and then Sere stuck out her hand. "Deal."

"Tomorrow morning good for you?" Julia asked.

"Not like I'm working."

"Um, yeah, we noticed that."

Two freshmen stormed by screaming at each other about one of them failing to ask the other to borrow her new overalls and checkered halter top before doing it and spilling ketchup all over it, and from the nearby rugby pitch came the sound of angry masculine grunts and clashing swords.

*****

Kymira slammed into her trailer and began to tear it apart, looking for booby-traps. She checked all the outlets, the faucets, the pipes, the wiring. Flinging her clothes on the bed, she pawed through them for itching powder, then stripped off the bed and looked underneath for skunks.

She spent the rest of the day trying to find something wrong, destroying the interior of her trailer and most of its contents, finally giving up late in the afternoon and sinking exhausted into a corner of the bedroom to survey the damage.

"That bitch..."

*****

A loud rat-a-tat-tat on the door drew Laure from her contemplation on landscape options she was perusing on the 'Net. Glancing up, she frowned at the metal door. "Come in."

The door flapped open and Emmy stomped into the trailer, her clunky shoes muffled by the deep pile carpet Laure sat upon, laptop computer across her knees.

Emmy stared down at her nemesis in growing shock.

"Where's the froofy outfit? The bon bons? The twenty-four hour a day masseur?"

"Bored with that. Did you want something? I'm trying to decide on what color to dominate in my garden outside."

"I thought you were quitting, so shouldn't you be packing?"

Laure cocked an eyebrow at her and smiled beatifically. "Now why would I do that?"

"Didn't you say you were giving up on the General?"

"Emmy, you have a really nasty way of putting words into my mouth and/or twisting the meanings of my words to suit your own purposes."

Emmy gaped at her, eyes narrowing slowly, as Laure leaned back against the couch and continued, "I was, I still am, upset with the General, but I've decided that whining about it is getting me nowhere. The stress affected me poorly, I will admit. But, it won't send me nuts like it apparently has done to most of you."

"We're making the best of a bad situation."

Laure flapped her hand at her and the Diva's eyes widened in shock.

"Don't you flap at me."

"Don't you tell me what to do," Laure snapped back. "If I want to react differently from the rest of you, I bloody well will. If I choose to despise my living conditions and shout that hatred to the heavens, no one freakin' told you to listen!"

The Diva gasped once, twice, then pursed her lips. "I think you need to be put in a padded cell right next to the General," she finally said succinctly.

"Try it," Laure snarled.

Spinning around Emmy stormed out, and Laure burst out laughing.

End Part 1