HSU: The Art of Porch Sitting
After: Revenge with a Smile on her Face
Author: Shana
Rating: NMF (Not My Fault)
Disclaimer: Piss off George, you own the General and don't love him. Bryan and Stan can come take their mutie back... NOT!
Notes: can I help it if the fic attacked me? I had an image in my head...
*g*

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Soooo, how was your day in the garage?"

There was a pause as Scott glanced up from the Motorcycles Quarterly magasine. "I fixed one of the bikes."

Shana snorted and tossed the stack of empty chinese boxes into the trash can. If only EAs knew how to clean better, much less clean. "Oh, how exciting."

"It's running really well now. I'd be willing to take a look at the General's Triumph tomorrow if I get the chance."

Flopping down on the couch and grabbing the remote away from the mutant, she cruised for something other than the Second Noah rerun. "Whatever."

"It really is a nice bike. Of course, you know that... did I miss something?"

The Ho didn't budge her gaze from the television, ardently searching for something to watch.

"Shana?"

"Damn that stupid tin roof and it's shoddy reception. There isn't shite for the higher channels."

Scott leaned forward, touching a black, Valentino encased thigh. "Hey."

"If this thing only has the golf channel, I'm gonna scream. Where the hell is ESPN2.... oh, huh?"

"What's wrong?"

Shana waved her hand dismissively at her EA and cruised past the 100s again, squinting at the 20 inch screen. "Oh, nothing really. No office, no paperwork, no Bots, no touchy on the General. Everything's peachy."

"That was sarcasm."

"And that was a flash of brilliance. What channel is ESPN2?"

The mutant frowned. "238. What did he do?"

"Freaked, wigged, fell off the sanity wagon, corked his brain juices, got jiggy with the loco."

"What did he do?"

A cheer went up as ESPN2 flickered to life, replaying the second-to-last Leafs/Devils game. "Told us we had to do majority voting on outside decor."

"That's all? With the reconstruction of the admin building, that's a healthy plan."

Shana's head snapped around. "No, of the trailers."

"The peeing fountain?"

"And the rustoleum accents."

"Oh."

"Yeah. GO CUJO!"

Scott raised a hand to take back the remote. The former OSA director turned temporary bartender turned trailer livin' Ho was -way- to close at throwing things as it stood. With the hockey game on-- a rebroadcast of one where her team lost-- the remote control was on a course towards and through a window. "Uh..."

"Don't. Touch. the Remote."

"Promise not to break it?"

Shana screwed a lip up, regarded the EA and pondered the request.

For a half second.

"Only if you break the Triumph tomorrow. Pull a plug, break a hose, glue thumbtacks to the seat. Whatevah. He'll pay for all this crap."

"I can't do that. Truebliss?"

"Fine. Hey! That was icing, you dick! PENALTY!"

Scott winced and stood up. "If you need me, I'll be walking 'Tatus."

"Leafs rule, Devils drool!"

The door to the trailer closed with a slam as the screen door nearly fell off its hinges.

~*~*~

"So I says, I bet your mother used that Gladius to cut your vegetables."

Judy, standing behind her makeshift bar, took one step back and pondered the bat. "Oh, really. What did he do then?"

The miner swigged his warm beer and laughed, spraying the unfinished plankwood top with froth. "He hits me with his gladius, I slug him in the gut, the Gen steps in, wrenches me off him, the guys hits good ol' Max in the 'nads and then there was this grrl that come screaming onto the field."

"Jael," Judy added semi-helpfully.

"Somethin' like that. So she offers to feed me polished bronze then takes the Gen away."

"Huh."

"That's what the Gen was sayin' as she led him off."

Judy inched a little closer to the bat.

~*~*~

Kymira, Tara and Kendra stood at the edge of the lake, the two Water Hos once again debating how much they really missed their water.

"I can't believe it."

Tara twisted around and glared.

Kymira huffed and sat down on the edge, touching a toe to the water as she continued to moan. "I still can't believe my master lost it like that."

"She turned off our water!" Kendra cried indignantly. "No one should do that to a Water Ho!"

"Yeah," Tara added. "And the lake isn't..."

"We couldn't."

"No."

Kymira sniffled. "She doesn't want to be my master anymore."

Tara shook her head. "Reduced to the lake. The humility."

Kendra nodded. "This is not the place for General play."

"No."

"We just can't."

Kymira huffed on the bank.

"No, we can't."

"Hey, Tara?"

The Water Ho glanced down. "Yeah, Ky?"

"Where's Jen?"

Kendra crossed her arms and swore revenge. "Prolly staging a riot outside a Pink Banana outlet."

Kymira sniffled again.

"Blech," Tara muttered at the lake, throwing a stone. "I don't really want to camp at the pitch."

"Aaaaack!" *SPLASH!*

The other two Ho's heads snapped up just in time to see a tiger and a man crawl onto the bank, water trailing heavily off the pair. The tiger, panting and trying to wrest the leash out of the male hand, shook off his fur in a flurry of water droplets.

"Whoops."

Kendra bit back a snicker.

Tara sighed enviously.

"It's not the General and it's not bath water."

Kymira sniffled again.

~*~*~

Pelham, brandishing a large parchment in his hands, studied the former site of the HSU admin building. Licking his lips thoughtfully as he pictured the physical reality in his mind, he smiled quietly to himself.

"What's that?"

Glancing to the source of the voice, none other than the oaf Cal, Pelham shook his head delicately. "Plans, dear boy."

Cal wrinkled his nose and squinted. "That looks like the plan to that Excalibur place in Vegas."

"There's a castle that resembles this plan? How delightful. Is it just beyond the county, or shall I have to charter a carriage to get there? I wonder if Lord Vegas would mind sharing his insight on this problem with the privies."

"Uh, privies?"

Pelham flinched at the ungentlemanly question. "You've a better idea?"

"You have heard of indoor plumbing, right?"

Looking down his nose at Cal, the Englishman shook his head. "Ah, yes, that. I have, Lady Dorotea is quite fond of it. I must admit some fondness of my own as well, so I shall add it to my original idea. I'll be off right away to seek Lord Vegas' advice. Thank you, filthy serf."

Watching Pelham strolling away with a "pathway to the finer things in life" and deftly folding the parchment to carry it under his arm, Cal glanced nervously to the Ho trailer park.

"Maybe they won't notice that he's gone."

~*~*~

"What... huh... "

Sitting sharply up in the bed as the elbow jabbed into his solar plexus, Scott Summers wheezed and grabbed the well-manicured hand before it sailed in for another blow.

"No, I do NOT want to sit next to that ruffian Edward... the cheese is in the gun cabinet..."

Scooting out of the bed and nearly tripping over the snoring tiger, Scott swore, turned around and touched Shana's arm. "Hey."

"...ooooh, the evil!hand. Can I touch it?"

"Hey, Shana, wake up."

Waving off the nudge at her shoulder, she stretched a leg and rolled over.

"HEEY!"

Her eyes snapping open, accidentally flailing herself right out of the bed in a tangle of covers, the OSA Director landed on the floor with a thump.

Scott paused. Anyone else would have run at this point. "Um, Red?"

There was a groan as the last of the sheet dropped over the side of the mattress. "Anyone care to explain why I'm laying on the floor?"

Incitatus raised his head, noticing the vacancy on the bed. With a quick stretch, the male tiger jumped up, spun around three times and curled up next to a pillow.

"You fell."

"This I noticed."

The mutant leaned over the bed. "Want some help up?"

Shana growled and crossed her arms over her nightgown clad chest. "I want my bed back."

"I know."

"I want my room back."

"I know."

The Ho popped her neck. "I want my office back."

"I know."

"Can I kill the General?"

"I know-- no, wait. No. You can't."

"Then the floor is fine, one-eye."

"Are you hurt?"

Shana inhaled a deep breath, wiggled all her extremities and focused on the ceiling of her oh-so-lovely trailer. "No, but why waste a perfectly good, er, semi-decent floor? C'mere."

~*~*~

"Yo, Laure."

Enjoying her non-mediating stint, Laure stopped in front of one of the less attacked trailers, minus the white bloomers hanging off her raingutter. "You're sitting on your porch with a Smirnoff Ice?"

"It was that or share the bed with a snoring tiger."

Laure raised an eyebrow. Still lost in the funk of General issues and leaving her previous role in HSU for a cabaret singing gig, she shrugged. Nothing better to do really, what with Commo passed out in front of a three hour special on the putting greens of Italy. Sitting down on one of the steps and noting the sari hiding everything vital on her friend, she wagered a guess. "Scott?"

"Oh, him. He won't wreck the bike for me."

The image of a dismembered EA brought a twitch to Laure's mouth. "You're getting rid of him?"

"Nooooo, the Triumph. The only way the General ever seems to notice that I'm not happy with the sitch is by ruining his bike."

"Oh. And?"

"Fearless Leader Dude said 'no.'"

"You could always victimise Xani," Laure smiled, chuckling at how much she enjoyed the sight of the Greysider with a blue wanger hanging from her trailer.

"Nah. So you quit, huh?"

Laure nodded. "And I feel so much better. Think I should bring Spike to HSU full time? He could keep Cal away."

"I might send the Bots away for a bit."

"Send Cal with them."

Shana looked up, swallowing a dram of hard lemonade. The idea had merit. "Who's worse off?"

Laure giggled. "Mike, Cambot and Gypsy."

"Oooooh, yeah."

"Got a beer by chance?"

"Yeah, come on in. I found some reruns of Twin Peaks on the satellite. Nothin' like watching something even freakier than this place to feel better about yourself."

~*~*~

In the midst of the still surviving buildings of HSU, a figure stalked a hall, humming a tune of foreboding doom for the regular occupants of the campus. Passing by a window and casting a look to the starry sky with a slight smile, the figure continued on, heading towards her temporary office and all the lovely work ahead of her.

A slight giggle threatened to break her silence, but as she passed through the door and turned on the desk light, the bright pink lightbulb illuminating the neat stacks of paper, she let her voice travel through the empty building.

"Ah, yes, my greatest challenge ever."

Pulling out her appointment book and laying it on the desk, she penciled in-- with flawless penmanship-- the plans for the first session.

Melody Truebliss was in da house.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ end