Title: HSU: Day One: We're taking back the General
Author: Kendra
Ratings: CAAL (Crazy as a loon)
Archive: fine
Disclaimer: I own nothing, nothing at all.
Note: I couldn't resist. Mucho thanks to everyone because I stole blatantly from posts galore tonight. Forgive the mess, the more I look at it the more I mess it up!

"We should really set up a perimeter around the base camp," Qui-Gon remarked as he, Obi-Wan and Max stood over the General's kitchen table peering at dozens and dozens of blueprints, maps and notes.

"Base camp? I thought these were just temporary quarters?" Max questioned as he glanced to both men and they just stared at him as if he'd gone momentarily mad.

"Maybe a chain link fence would be good," Da Mastah suggested as there was a sudden derisive snort emanating from the den.

"Did you forget the barbwire?" Kendra snarked.

"Love, did you say something?" The General questioned his secretary who was sitting on the couch trying to compile a new appointment book.

Kendra just continued what she was doing and feigned innocence. "No, not a word," she sighed.

"Maybe it might be prudent to post one of Maximus' most trusted men at the entrance once the fencing is completed," Da Mastah suggested as Max nodded his head in agreement and the General was still unsure.

"Prison," Kendra coughed while looking busy.

"Love?" The General asked as his secretary smiled warmly at him. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing," she replied. "At least not yet," the Water Ho mumbled under her breath as the General raised his brow while watching her.

"As I was saying, we should post a sentry to protect the women. With how flimsy these trailer structures are, we might even think seriously about a curfew," Qui-Gon suggested as the General and Max both shook their heads in a resounding no.

"Excuse me, did you say what I think you said?" Kendra suddenly asked as she eyed the threesome wearily. "Curfew?"

"It would be for your own good," the Jedi Master began but Obi-Wan suddenly cut him off and quickly stepped into the den when he saw the Ho's mouth open to reply.

"Kendra, why don't you run back to your apartme…trailer and bring me that rain room blueprint you and Tara came up with," the General suggested as he gently held the Ho by the shoulders when she suddenly stood up to challenge the curfew remark.

Kendra looked to Max and Qui-Gon over the General's shoulder and then back to the General and then back to Max and Qui-Gon and then back to the General before she looked into his amazing eyes and felt a little weak in the knees. "Really? You told us the other day that there would be no more water anything," she remarked skeptically.

"I was wrong," he insisted before escorting her to the door then kissing her.

"Are you trying to get rid of me?" She quickly demanded as she stood on the steps with her hands on her hips.

The General just chuckled and raised his brow in that sexy way as the Ho nearly stumbled backwards. "Would I do that? Now go…get the plans and hurry back," he insisted as his secretary reluctantly backed away as he waved her on. The moment the coast was clear, he slammed the door shut and looked at his former Master as if he had lost his marbles.

"Have you gone mad? We'll have a revolt if word gets out that you even suggested such measures," the General exclaimed as he ran a hand through his hair and Max shoved a bottle of cheap beer in his hand.

"Obi-Wan, you really must relax," Qui-Gon urged before looked back over the plans for a new and improved HSU.

~~*~~

"A little more to the left, Sweet cheeks," Xani purred as Emmy nearly fell from the ladder she stood on.

The graysider had to dive to the ground to avoid being decapitated from a spinning hubcap as it narrowly missed his neck. "Back off or die," the Diva threatened as she moved the hubcap she had been adjusting a little more to the left as Xani had earlier suggested.

"You cut my hair!" Xani bellowed as he picked up a hunk of sexy, dark hair from the grass and clutched it tightly. "You freakin cut my hair!"

"Obviously you moved too fast. I was aiming for your neck," Emmy snapped as she hammered in one more hubcap to the side of Laure's trailer and smiled in satisfaction at a job well done.

Xani just scowled and shook his clenched, hair-filled fist at the Diva as he searched for something to say. But for the first time in his life, he was speechless, so he said the first thing that came to mind. "I'll get you, my pretty…and your damned little dog too!"

Emmy fell from the ladder in a fit of laughter and clutched her stomach. "Dor's been watching Wizard of Oz again hasn't she?" The Diva exclaimed as Xani snarled then abruptly left.

~~*~~

"Jen, what do you think about going to Judy's bonfire tonight?" Tara asked as the Water Ho stared off into the distance at the new geyser.

Jen just stomped her foot and turned her back on the Frosh Ho. "One stomp meant yes," Kymira chimed in before Jen roughly stomped on her roomie's foot, making Ky swear. "Damn, Jen. Get over it."

"What's her problem?" Tara quizzed as she finally stopped gazing longingly at the geyser.

Kymira slowly hobbled away from her upset roomie to avoid anymore foot stomps before answering. "She's pissed because you and Ken destroyed the campus and all her toys got washed away," the Ho explained as Jen crossed her arms in disgust.

"It wasn't our fault," Tara stubbornly objected as Kymira loudly laughed and Jen stomped her foot. "Why won't anybody believe us?"

This just made Kymira laugh even harder and Jen stomp both feet as Tara slumped into the lounge chair in defeat.

~~*~~

"Look, if you two break the damn trailer, it's not going to keep getting replaced," Dor snapped as she tried to keep her balance while retrieving Draco from atop the Nurse's rocking trailer.

"Careful, love," Pelham shouted for encouragement from the stable ground below. "Watch your step."

Suddenly the trailer lurched violently to the side sending Draco flying off and Dor to clutch the edge of the roof for dear life. "Don't just stand there watching, do something!" The librarian shouted as the trailer started rocking once more.

"Yes, something," Pelham mumbled in panic as he began to walk in circles. "Something, yes! I'm thinking now."

"Do you two ever stop!" Dor shouted as she kicked the side of the Nurse's trailer as her precarious grip of the roof began to slip.

~~*~~

"Did you hear something?" Cic asked as he stilled and the Nurse looked at him as if he'd lost his mind.

"No! But you just made the earth move," she stated before pulling her servant down against her and kissing him senseless. Neither noticing that the bedroom now leaned at a very dangerous angle and the shadow of someone falling to the ground screaming from just outside their window.

~~*~~

"Judy," the bartender chimed into her cell phone. As she and a few of the Ho's sat around the blazing bonfire making smores later that night.

"Oh, not much. No plagues, not mass burnings, no more floods," she replied. "I don't know Laure, let me check," Judy stated as she stood up from her lounge chair and glanced at the mediator's trailer.

"Nope, it looks to be still in one piece," the Ho answered as she sat back down. "We'll see you tomorrow. Have fun," Judy added before turning off her cell phone. "Have fun now, cause you're going to blow a gasket when you see your neon peace wagon, covered with hubcaps," she sighed as she watched her padawan and fellow Ho's paint Laure's trailer in blinding peace signs and flowers.

~~*~~

"Look, I'm telling you the truth, the General has lost it. He's going militant along with da Mastah," Kendra emphasized once more as she painted a neon yellow sunflower on the mediator's trailer.

"Why would the General go militant?" Tara snapped as she painted a neon blue peace sign on the front bay window.

"Because he's a man," Emmy snapped as she critiqued her rainbow. "And because he's been spending way too much time around the big guy," she quickly added with a growl.

"Do you think he'd really put us in a fence?" Kymira questioned as she handed Jen another bucket of neon pink paint.

"Never, he's not that stupid," the Diva objected.

"I'm telling you, the General is at a critical stage…" Kendra began to interject but Jen stomped her foot and managed to smash Kymira's fingers against the ladder's step making Ky scream. "Fine, don't believe me. You'll see when this place becomes like stalag whatever the hell the number was," the General's secretary snapped.

"It won't get that bad," Tara groaned. "When does Laure return?"

"Tomorrow," Emmy sighed as she touched up her rainbow. "We should be done with the remodeling by then. Anybody find an old rotted couch to sit by the door of her trailer?"

"Nah…we did find a beat up and ratty recliner at the dump," Ky grinned.

"That will have to do," the Diva mused. "We want to make this a cozy and comfy experience for the mediator and the fallen what's his name."

"Evening grrls," the General smiled as he casually walked upon the scene causing Ho's to fall from their ladders, spill neon paint and just look like trapped animals. "Lovely night isn't it?" He warmly sighed as he glanced to the stars and then went about his stroll as if nothing were wrong.

"He really is losing it," Emmy muttered. "The man didn't even raise his eyebrow in that sexy sort of way whenever he catches any of us doing something we shouldn't be doing," she stammered in disbelief.

"See, told you," Kendra exclaimed as the gathered Ho's glared at her.

"Well obviously he's not getting boinked enough," Emmy snapped as all eyes cut to her. "Do you have any better ideas?"

Silence, one of the most delicate and unbelievable things to ever occur to a group of gathered Ho's. For once they were at a loss for words as they all stood about and looked from one to the other in bafflement.

~~*~~

The sun was shining, the day was warm and this was day one of getting the General back from the brink of madness.

"Think you can do this, Dande?" Emmy asked the Wench as they strolled about the trailer park and watched as Cal made dirt speedbumps between the rows of trailers.

"Can I do this? I'm a Master level Wench. Big doe eyes, push up bra, silk stockings, sexy shoes, and flirting…I'm your Wench," Dande smiled.

"You have to keep the big guy away from Obi-Wan. No more of those two hanging out till the General is back in his right mind," the Diva insisted. "This is a tough assignment. You're sure you can handle it?"

"Emmy dahling, you've never seen a true Master level Wench in action, have you? Just stand back and watch da Mastah forget all about playing with the boys," Dande smiled sweetly.

"I'm not going to have to see any of this, am I?" Emmy groaned as Dande just patted her arm as they walked and plotted.

~~*~~

"Hey Ellie!" Tara chimed into the cell phone. "Things here are good. How's Egypt? Good…good. Oh, Ken's cell phone got washed away…nah…nothing major. You know, same old same old."

"What's new around campus? Oh…we're now officially trailer trash! Yeah…yeah…the entire Admin building and the dorms…goner. They took a header…yep…trailer trash!" Tara happily explained to the vacationing Ho. Then suddenly held the phone from her ear as cursing and wailing could be heard from the other end.

~~*~~

"Max, could you move the bed to this side of the room," Jael sweetly asked as the other General leaned heavily against the wall in exhaustion.

"Are you positive, my love?" He tiredly asked after having moved the furniture in the trailer since sunrise.

"Yes…the opposite side of the room where we first had it," Jael smiled as she was tried to keep the man busy and away from the General and da Mastah as instructed.

~~*~~

Sere and Julia sat about the pool and tried to figure out their next big move. They were fresh out of ideas for new radio contests and felt that was exactly what the campus needed to boost morale.

"We could fill the nurse's car again," Sere suggested as Julia shook her head in objection.

"What could we fill it with, it's all been done," Julia groaned.

"I don't know," Sere sighed. "All I can think of is water."

Julia suddenly got this evil gleam in her eyes and quickly stood up and yanked her sister from her lounge chair. "Brilliant, brillant idea!"

"What?" Sere asked as her sister was dragging her along.

"Water, fish…brillant. We'll fill the Nurse's car with goldfish and have everyone guess how many fish are in her car. Think giant aquarium on wheels! This is the best contest yet!" Julia laughed as they headed back to the trailer to order an express deliver of live goldfish.