Title: HSU: The New Fall Guy
Author: Kendra
Ratings: IHNP (I have no pride)
Archive: fine
Disclaimer: I don't own any of it...none I tell you.
Note: Well I have finally crossed over to the lunatic fringe...this just came to me while reading a few emails yesterday and today. I borrowed heavily...thanks. Be afraid, be very afraid. And please ignore the mess...this was quick.

"This is so not right, so not right," Kendra mumbled as she stomped her way to the love shack. Well, stomp is such a harsh word when you're barefoot and carrying a pitcher of margaritas to the General and Judy, but the Ho was not a happy camper.

"Ah, wonderful libations," the General grinned as he stepped out of the water onto the new sandy beach before the love shack. Judy was lounging lazily in the sand, watching the water drizzle slowly down the General's well tanned skin and suddenly taking her book and fanning herself as lurid thoughts raced through her mind.

"Here, enjoy," Kendra snapped as she slammed the tray down upon the bamboo table beside Judy as the General raised his brow in confusion. And with that display, the Water Ho turned around and stomped back to the bar.

"Maybe things are worse than I thought," Judy mused as she watched her padawan disappear. "She didn't even notice you were wet," she added to the General as he stood there staring at the retreating Ho.

"What's wrong? Maybe she's ill. I should speak to Darry about this," the General suggested as Judy quickly grabbed his arm and pulled him down to the huge lounge chair with her.

"Nah, Ken is just upset with the substitute bartender. And Darry...well, she's busy," Judy insisted as she handed the General his margarita and she grabbed hers and both took a sip and promptly spewed it out.

"What in all hells has that green-shirted twit done to my bar?" the Ho sputtered. "These margaritas have no liquor."

"Now, now...we might grow to like them this way," the General tried to sooth as Judy glared at him them pulled him to her.

~~*~~

"What's his problem?" Tara smirked as she nodded in the direction of Steve, the new substitute bartender. "And what the hell does he need that butt ugly notebook and big pencil for?

"And please, somebody get the man some new clothes... a green striped shirt? Please...it looks like he bought the thing in the toddler's section," Jen winced as Steve stepped within her eyesight and momentarily blinded her.

"How bad can it be? As long as he can make a mean margarita, who cares," Kymira snapped as she reached for the basket of popcorn. "This needs salt," she remarked as Steve raced over and pulled out a cute salt shaker with a smiley face on it. "Gee, thanks," Ky remarked as Steve smiled happily and placed the salt shaker to the bar top.

"Hey...Stripey Boy, coaster," Kendra reminded as Steve continued smiling and placed his salt shaker on the coaster. "Good boy," the Water Ho remarked before pulling Judy's bat out from under the bar and slamming it into the salt shaker, then smiling triumphantly.

"Noooooooo, Mr. Salt," Steve bellowed in horror as the entire bar ignored him.

"Oops...say good-bye to Mr. Salt. And so help me, you better not break out that damned Mrs. Pepper any time soon or she's history as well," Kendra edged as the substitute barkeeper slowly picked up his handy dandy notebook and backed away.

"Ah...Ken? Is there something you want to tell us?" Tara asked. "Have you been getting enough 'Wet' Obi lately? You seem a tad..."

"Deranged," Laure finished as she walked by on her way to the cabaret.

"Well...now that you mention it," Jen mused as Kendra broke out her glass of gummy fish soaked in tequila.

"Look, this stripey boy Jael hired is getting on my last nerve. He...he...he named the salt and pepper shakers and dressed them up. No sane person does that," the General's secretary groaned as she leaned heavily against the bar eating her gummy fish.

"Well...so he's odd," Tara interjected.

"Odd? He's so damned perky it scares the living daylights out of me," Kendra exclaimed as the gathered Ho's winced.

"I see your point," Jen nodded.

Just then a loud shriek could be heard emanating from the cabaret and seconds later Laure came storming out and to the bar. "Who the hell replaced my champagne with this...this...sparkling grape juice swill?" she demanded as she slammed the bottle to the bar, putting a slight dent in the surface making Kendra gasp.

"Not me, speak to 'perky' over there," Kendra sighed as Laure spun around and locked eyes on the soon to be sorry bartender.

"Man, I didn't know a man's neck could twist so much?" Kymira winced as they watched Laure 'speak' to Steve.

While Laure tried to convince Steve of the errors of his ways, Emmy joined the group of gawking Ho's at the bar. "What's up?"

"Nothing, Laure's just trying to explain how things work around here to the new guy," Tara replied as Emmy nodded her head in understanding then reached over the bar to grab the newly made margarita Steve had left there moments before.

"I wouldn't if I were you," Kendra warned as the Diva eyed her suspiciously. "Well, if you must."

With those words of warning Kendra quickly moved to the end of the bar as the gathered Ho's all took their first sip of Steve's special margaritas. And like a volcanic eruption all four spewed their first sip out and sputtered and groaned and stared at their glasses as if they were toxic.

"What the hell was that?" Emmy demanded as Kendra stepped back behind the bar and sighed.

"There's no alcohol in these," Jen said in shock.

"Who's bright idea was that?" Tara demanded as Kendra just grimaced and pointed to stripey boy who now had a ripped shirt and was slowly making his way back to the bar in a staggered pace.

Emmy stood from her chair and quickly removed one clunky shoe and threw it at the new bartender, hitting him soundly upside the head sending him to a stuttering heap in the floor. "There, that's for starters," the Diva exclaimed as she limped over to retrieve her shoe.

"Why don't you guys go over to my office, they delivered this cool margarita machine there earlier today. Help yourself," Kendra suggested as she began to clean Judy's prized bar.

With that the Ho's quickly grabbed clean glasses and scurried to the secretary's office. Kendra went over to Steve's battered body and picked up his handy dandy notebook and placed it into the blender, she pressed the setting buttons in time to Laure's rehearsal as she sang 'Barracuda'.

~~*~~

Xani stood on the balcony of their new Gothic tower of the library with his telescope. "Love, you really must see this," he shouted to Dor in excitement.

"What?" Dor asked testily as she looked up from her new 'Ten easy steps to voodoo' book.

"That Water girl, secretary person is atop the windmill refusing to come down," he chuckled.

"Hmmm, that's nice," Dor mumbled as she went back to reading.

"Oh and look, those two radio girls are filling the Nurse's car with...with...I'm not sure, but I think it's...yes...yes...it's sand," Xani shouted.

"Hmmm, that's nice," Dor agreed while turning the page.

"Check it out...the Qui-man is outside the cottage looking around...oh, he might step off the porch...no...he furrowed his brow after a look around and went back into the cottage. Maybe next time," Xani commentated as Dor grunted in response. Maybe getting him off gameboy wasn't such a good idea; he seemed to be overly enthused with spying on everyone now. Well, as long as he doesn't make it a habit, the librarian mused to herself.

~~*~~

Julia and Sere sat in the now deserted bar and stared in horror at the scene being played out before them. There upon the makeshift stage stood Jael and the stripey guy.

"Guys and grrls...let's all relax and enjoy ourselves. It's 'Naptime Sing-A-Long hour'...feel free to join in if you think you know the tune," Jael exclaimed before the music began.

"A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh, A-weema-weh..."

"Oh my...she's finally lost it. Somebody grab a bottle of Absinthe from behind the bar," Julia winced as Steve now joined in the fun.

"Hell has officially froze over," Sere muttered.

"You are getting this on tape, right?" Julia quickly asked as she noticed some sand on her knee and gently brushed it off.

"Yep, plenty of film. Think we can just set up the camera and leave?"

"Great idea...I'm already traumatized for life with what little I've seen. Oh wait...the stripey boy is getting on the swing, maybe we should stay," Julia insisted as they both quickly sat back down.

"Oooo that had to hurt," Sere remarked as both Ho's winced as the stripey boy fell onto the tables with a sickening thud.

"You know, the more I think about it, Steve does remind me a little of Cal," Julia remarked. "They both seem to bounce remarkably the same when falling from heights to a hard surface."