Title: War, What's it good for?
Author: Jaelly
Rating: R-for violence to chickens
Disclaimer: I've infringed on so many Fandoms they are going to put me in prison. Please get me out before my life becomes a bad-slash fic.

* * *
Laure had left for rehearsal earlier in the morning. Now Commodus, having eaten all of the cereal from the pantry, and run through his morning sword exercises was horribly bored. "I'm vexed. I'm very vexed." He sighed. Then he got an idea! An awful idea! Commo got a wonderful, awful idea! "I know just what to do!" Commo laughed. He put on his golf pants. And then he put on his golf shirt. The shoes, and the clubs, and the goofy little hat, and he was out the door.

"My chariot awaits!" he cried, and spotting Cal he pointed his finger, "You-You shall drive me. Now."

"Uh..." said Cal looking around, and really hoping there was someone standing behind him looked over his shoulder. All he saw was Cicero's horse chewing on an electrical cord. He sighed. The Emperor probably wasn't talking to the harse. Cal pulled up his pants, which were sagging in plumber fashion due to the heavy light saber he had clipped to his belt. Well, it wasn't really so much a light saber as it was a lead pipe with some duct tape wound around one end to keep the flashlight attached.

Space Dog, who has seen the whole encounter barked and ran to the camp. "Ruh-Roh."

* * *

Xani was sitting at the window in the tower with his telescope. So far this morning he had witnessed a tryst at the Love Shack, a brawl on the Rugby Pitch, and looked down Laure's tank top as she headed to the Cabaret. Just when it thought it couldn't get any better, he spotted a large vehicle on the horizon. Jawas! Perhaps they were here to take the Do-Gooder's silly... No wait. He looked closer at what the brown robe-y pests where scavenging.

"Dor is not going to be pleased," he thought as he grabbed his light-saber and strolled from the room.

* * *

Jael sat in front of her Underwood Typewriter in an undisclosed location. She still wasn't quite sure where it was she was living. It wasn't a crypt, and it wasn't a tent, it wasn't a tower... but it had a nice bed with a growl man and a growlier dog by the door, so somehow she found her way there every night. "Damn these blackouts" she thought. She couldn't understand why she was still having them, having been sober for, um... too long. Unless of course she was drinking during the blackouts and she didn't remember it. She wasn't quite sure.

"GRRR! BARK! GRRRR!" Space Dog announced as she rushed in the door.

"What Spacey? Cal has taken Commo in the golf cart you say?"

"Grrr. ::wagga wagga tail action:: Woof!"

"Oh no! They were headed to the forest and today is the only day the Ewoks can perform their ritual sacrifice of Cal which will open a portal to another dimension and release a hell god who will subject us to horrors we can never imagine?"

"Woof!"

"You're kidding. What on earth would they want with that car? I doubt it even starts half the time."

"BOW-WOW."

"Oh, I guess that is beside the point. Yes, this is a code Red. Go and find Maximus, I'll find Steve."

* * *
"Chubba Chubba."

"Wubble, Wubble, Yah."

"Wubba hubba?"

"Gubba."

(Please note: this is a poor imitation of Ewok speech. Plus I can't remember how Ewoks sound anyhow. Loosely translated it says:

"So, today is the day we have been waiting for. At last, we will have revenge."

"The Diva will die a slow painful death, but first our talking god-head from another dimension will make her watch as we change her black-leather clad general into a real Jedi General."

"Does this mean we get to glue a weasel to his face and call it a beard? I always wanted to do that. And what's the deal with that fellow from the golf cart anyway?"

"Oh, the one with the strange thumb spasms? I'm not sure. Perhaps we should feed him to the chickens...")

***
"At my signal unleash hell!" cried Maximus as he lead the troops up the hill to rescue Dor's car, and Shana's Bots, and R2D2, and all of the metal lawn furniture, and the riding lawn mower, and the steel girders for the new dorm, and the can opener from the love shack, and Cal's bottle cap collection, and Jael's metal bra, and Darry's trailer, and the chain from the swing, and ....

* * *
The Hos gathered on the empty Rugby Pitch dressed in the finest of black leather and other Commando Ho Apparel ™. Each wore her anti-swoon sunglasses, and carried a weapon of choice. Judy and Laure favored Louisville sluggers, while most of the girls had opted for heavy duty blasters strapped to their thighs. Jael of course had a sword. Dande it seemed had a can of hairspray and some duct tape. No one asked any questions. They had all heard about the damage duct tape could do. Ouch.

Jael climbed the bleachers with her bullhorn for the pre-battle pep talk.
"We few, we happy few, we band of sisters;
For she to-day that sheds her blood with me
Shall be my sister; be she ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle her condition:
And gentlemen from England not in our beds
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here to shag us,
And hold their manhoods cheap, whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Hestia's Day!"

A cheer went up from the crowd, and each woman made a promise to herself that if she made it through the battle, she would buy shoes, and shag yummy men (a certain vampire for Jael, some Jude-like fellow for Emmy, a husband for the old married women, a mutant here, a greysider there, and general General boinkage to be had by all), and eat chocolate for breakfast, and place stuffed Ewoks as trophies in the great hall.

It was time to go to war. "Lock and load 'em ladies. Let's go kick some Ewok ASS!" cried Jael, and her troops cheered again as they marched from the field and into the forest.

* * *
The Ewoks had built an impressive tower. Well, it wasn't really all that impressive. Nor was it so much a tower as a tree house with a gangplank. As far as evil mignons go, they just really weren't at all impressive. Now, as a small group of teddy bears stood watch in the tree house, guarding the bound and gagged Cal, another group took turns driving the golf cart into trees. Commodus was more vexed than he had ever been, and was now crying. At least they let him sit on the dais with the Teddy-Bear Royalty.

As he muttered to himself, "If my sister were here," he heard a commotion in the underbrush. It sounded like... Sirens? "REEE--UHH REEE--UHHH!" blared from the foliage, and soon the entire area was lit with blue and red flashing lights.

Kendra honked the horn as the fire-truck came to a crashing halt in the middle of the camp. Tara, hose in hand, blasted the Ewoks with a spray of water. That is when the Hos attacked.

"Take that you furry little.... Furry thing!" cried Kymira, shooting at random with her cross bow into the throng of fuzz.

Laure and Judy hit anything that moved with their wooden bats-o-death. Including Emmy. "HEY! WATCH WHERE YOU SWING THOSE THINGS!" She yelled, as she shot her blaster at a calico Ewok. The blaster made appropriate blaster noises that will not be replicated here, not for lack of trying but because "PING PING" just doesn't quite sound right.

* * *

Jael arrived moments after the battle began with the secret weapon. Steve wore his usual green stripe-y shirt, along with his "Imagine-Nation!" blue cape. (Bet you didn't see that one coming, now did you? Did you really think he was here to mix drinks?)

"TARA! NOW!" Jael called, as she flew through the air, landing a nasty kick to Commo's head, that no one was supposed to notice, because it isn't nice to beat up other people's EA's, but in the heat of battle she couldn't help her self.

Tara, knew the plan, and sent the fire-truck's ladder soaring to the top of the trees. Steve climbed the ladder to the tree house-he had to rescue Cal. It was, Jael had told him, what he was born to do. He and Cal, she had said, were made from the same blood, the same body-the monks had made Cal from Steve. Fan-boy blood runs thicker than water (or something poetic like that) so he climbed to his destiny.

* * *
The battle raged on, and the Ho's enjoyed the violence and Ewok bashing far more than they would ever admit later. The whole warrior princess thing made a little more sense to them now.

"I got one!" cried Dor, over the commotion. When no one paid any attention, she grinned. No one had even noticed the feathers swirling around her. She'd like recognition for finally getting a spell to work, but she knew some Hos wouldn't approve. She didn't really care. It was too much fun blowing things up.

"Explodus Poultry-us!" she called again, and squealed with delight as another chicken went "KA-BOOM!"

* * *
Steve reached the tree house, and saw the ritual had already begun. Cal had blood oozing from a wound on his stomach. Come to find out, it was accidentally self inflicted. He had fallen on his "lightsaber".

"Oh great," sighed Steve and rushed to him, "Cal..." he began, but Cal stopped him.

"It's already too late. The ritual has begun. I didn't mean to...The portal-Steve, they're going to turn the General into a Lumber-Jack Jesuit! I have to... I mean..." Cal glanced at the opening portal and realized that Cal intended to throw himself off of the gangplank to save his General. Steve shook his head and said, "No. I'll do it."

"Steve ... no!"

"Cal, I have to."

"No!"

"Listen to me. Please, there's not a lot of time, listen. This is the work that I have to do." He began, as he looked out and saw a giant head begin to shimmer among the treetops as the portal opened.
"Tell Jael ... tell Jael I figured it out. And, and I'm okay. And give my love to my friends. Mrs. Salt, Mr. Pepper, Purrywinkle and Blue. You have to take care of them now. You have to take care of each other. Here, take my Handy-Dandy notepad Cal."

Cal began to cry.

"You have to be strong. Cal, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live with Hos. Be brave- I know how scary they can be. Live in it with them. For me. No, for the General. We do it all for the General."

Cal, being a good little fan boy knew that it was true. Even if these women were insane and far more threatening than any hell-god, he had to let Steve make this sacrifice. The General's coolness was at stake. And if the General wasn't cool anymore-Cal couldn't bear to pursue that line of thought. Besides, if Steve died he wouldn't have to. That sounded pretty good to him.

With that, Steve turned and ran towards the end of the platform, the talking head opened his mouth, and said, "Meesa bombad... meesa gonna make the General hairy. Meesa gonna take away his sex-appeal..." Cal screamed "NOOOOO!"

Steve jumped, his little blue cape flapping behind him, straight into the mouth of the evil-Ewok hell god. The god was surprised, and swallowed Steve whole. The last thing the Hos heard as the head dissolved into nothingness was a loud belch, and then nothing but Call's sobs for the fallen fan-boy coming from the top of the tree house.

Kendra began laughing, and soon the other Hos joined in. The Ewoks, defeated, ran into the dark depths of the forest to regroup and begin planning their next attack on the evil diva (their words, not mine).

Jael, who knew what Steve was destined to do, and what she was destined to do, climbed the tower followed by two dogs. One Blue, the other Black. As much as she hated to do it, she had to take Cal home to the maintenance shed. If not, who would they make repaint all of the lawn furniture?
Besides, having to take care of Cal for a few days would be an excellent alibi to cover her trip to California... Hello tall, blond and undead...

The End.