Title: HSU - Profane Profitability
Author: Emmy
Rating: &*#$%@#@*&#$
Notes: I shamelessly stole from list discussion

Emmy marched into the pub and deposited a 5-dollar bill into the potty mouth jar.

Judy raised an eyebrow and then took two steps away from the Diva's reach.

"The oughta be good," Laure said, enjoying her chocolate soup for lunch.

Emmy inhaled.

All Ho's paused.

"When I find the *censoring* *censoreds* who produced this *censoring* *censored* filth, I'm going to cut off their *censoring* *censoreds* with a very *censored* blunt *censoring* instrument!!"

And with furious flourish the Diva unfurled the rolled up newspaper she had clenched in her fist and held it up for the pub patrons to examine.

As a fierce vocal Ho eruption took place, the Diva unscrewed the lid from the potty mouth jar to expedite all deposits.

~*~

The General sighed, calling on his Jedi control as he waited for the Express Lane at the grocery store to actually move forward in an express-type manner.

As the woman at the front of the line began to grouse about how her arugula *was* on sale, the General exhaled, glancing over to the magazine racks to distract himself from the desire to Force-throttle the woman.

And then he dropped his box of Wheaties when his eyes fell upon the cover of the Testosterone County Gazette.

"FORMER JEDI COURTS HAREM AT HSU. AWAITS MULTIPLE BIRTHS."

And there, under the headline, was a picture of his grrls.

All with very round and pregnant looking stomachs.

~*~

Qui-Gon chuckled as he glanced at the newspaper stand on his way into Home Depot. "Force help you, Obi-Wan."

~*~

"This is obviously a very desperate and failed attempt at Geek Art," Jael sniffed.

"Yeah, just look how lopsided your boobs are here," Judy offered.

"I DON'T CARE!" the Diva yelled. "I want to know WHO is responsible, WHERE they are hiding, and HOW I can go about ending their life!"

"Okay, okay, relax," the Warrior Princess said.

"Easy for you to say," Julia said. "You're not even in the picture."

"Yes, I think you'd be reacting a *little* differently if you were turned into a lumpy creature for all the world to see," Kendra added.

"And if the Bots are responsible, we will melt them down and turn them into Wanker Trans Ams," Shana said as she went about calling Lindsey on her cell phone to figure out what sort of legal action the Evil Hand would suggest.

"Please tell me that Commo hasn't seen this," Laure said, rubbing her temples and moving up to a wine spritzer from the chocolate soup. "I'm *really* not in the mood for the 'leaving my immortal legacy on the empire through the fruit of my loins' delusion."

"Oh sure, make this all about you," Emmy said.

Laure glared at the Diva.

"Wait," Jael said. "Does anybody else notice something peculiar here?" she asked, pointing toward a spot on the photo above Darry's head.

"Yeah, she's the only one whose stomach wasn't blown up." Emmy squinted "Wait. Is that a..."

"Halo," Shana sighed. "It's definitely a halo."

Dor just laughed.

"What's so damn funny?" Kymira asked as she wondered where she last put her crossbow.

"Oh...just thinking....about what's going...to happen....when...." Dor tried to explain as her amusement overtook her.

~*~

Xani opened the Testosterone County Gazette and promptly crumpled to the floor.

~*~

The General girded his entire body when he stepped out of the garage with his grocery bags and saw the army of Ho's stomping in his direction, confirming his fear that in fact they had seen front page of the paper.

"Now grrls," he said calmly, "we shouldn't let a trash paper like that ruin such a lovely day...." His words faded out as the Ho's all marched around him and headed for the rugby pitch.

The General stood and watched them disappear into the miners rec hall, his brain trying to analyze and piece together what was most likely occurring.

Coming up with nothing, he stood and watched the building, certain they would exit at some point.

He leaned down and placed his grocery bags on the pavement.

He scratched the side of his head.

He Stanced.

He wondered what Qui-Gon was doing. Probably a game on today. Maybe he should just take his beer over to the cottage and--

The General's attention was turned back to the rec hall as the door swung wide open, the army of Ho's marched back out, each one of them armed. Baseball bats, swords, chains, even an industrial sized can of crushed pineapple.

"Grrls," the General said as they marched back onto the driveway, "where are you--"

"We're going to kill the BSB," Emmy announced as Jael held her sword high in the air and regaled them with the HSU battle cry.

"TURN HIM INTO BLOODY MEAT! HSU WILL NOT BE BEAT!"

The General watched as they marched past him and then as they all climbed into three of the HSU Land Cruisers.

And as their tires peeled on the pavement and they sped toward the highway, the General bent down, reached into his bags, pulled out the beer and Doritos, and walked toward the cottage, leaving his Wheaties, peaches, paper towels, and Colgate on the driveway.

~*~

"STOP!" Laure yelled.

Emmy hit the brakes, squealing the tires of the lead Land Cruiser. "What the fuck?"

"Dande's coming," Laure said.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me," Emmy said as Judy rattled a Ziploc bag with a few quarters in it near to her face.

"Pay up, Diva," the Bartender responded.

~*~

The General held his six-pack of Hefeweizen in the air as a meaningful male bonding greeting.

Qui-Gon, who was standing in the open doorway of the cottage with a perplexed expression on his face, gave the General the meaningful male bonding nod.

All of which basically translated into:
"I come in peace bearing beer and snacks."
"Mi casa es su casa. I have Direct TV and guacamole."

"It's happy hour somewhere in the world," the General said as he stepped past Qui-Gon and into the cottage.

"Yes. And game time, too," Qui-Gon replied, closing the door.

The General settled into the "other" chair, meaning not Qui-Gon's chair, set the six-pack on the coffee table, handed a bottle to Qui-Gon, took one for himself, grunted as he ripped open the Doritos - only spilling about a third of them on table - and then sat back as Qui-Gon flipped through all 27 sports channels to find just the right game.

Qui-Gon sighed, deciding on the Major League Baseball season retrospective. He sipped his beer. It was good to be the retired Mastah.

"Where's Cara?" the General asked.

"Napping. Dande put her down and then said she had to run. Another shopping expedition, I suppose," he chuckled in that all-knowing way that he did.

"Actually, they're going to kill Anakin," the General said nonchalantly while crunching on a handful of Doritos.

Qui-Gon gave the General a dead stare.

The General drank his beer while glued to the Ichiro highlights on the television.

"Obi-Wan."

"Hmm?" Crunch. Swig. Crunch.

Qui-Gon leaned on the arm of the air. "Aren't you just the slightest bit concerned about that?"

"Hmm? About what?"

Qui-Gon blinked. "Obi-Wan, you said they were going to kill Anakin."

"Oh, they'll be fine," he replied in his you-silly-Mastah voice.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said in his I'll-be-your-Mastah-til-the-day-I-die-and-thensome-so-you'd-better-pay-attention-if-you-know-what's-good-for-you voice.

"What?" the General replied, finally looking over at Qui-Gon.

"You said they were going to kill Anakin."

"Yes, I know. Apparently he's responsible for those pictures in the paper," the General replied. "They marched off in quite a fury. Bats, swords, even pineapple." He chuckled. "I haven't quite figured out the purpose of that weapon."

"And you aren't the slightest bit concerned about this?" Qui-Gon asked, his exasperation showing.

"Mastah," the General replied with another chuckle, "my grrls have no problem taking care of themselves."

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon replied in his you-will-do-your-math-homework-whether-you-like-it-or-not voice. "It's not your grrls I'm concerned about."

As though suddenly slapped out of a very pleasant drug-induced euphoria, the General suddenly jumped to his feet, ran into the kitchen to dump his beer down the sink, threw the bottle in the recycle bin so Dande wouldn't have to clean up after him, and then he ran back into the living room.

"I would be happy to help, Obi-Wan, but I've got Cara--Obi-Wan! What are you doing?!" Qui-Gon finally stood up as Obi-Wan darted into Cara's room.

"Haken loves to babysit," Obi-Wan quickly said as he hurried toward the front door with Cara cradled in his arms.

"But...." Qui-Gon frowned. Why wasn't Cara crying? "Obi-Wan!" he yelled, following his padawan-for-life-whether-he-liked-it-or-not out of the cottage.

"Shhhh, you'll wake her, Mastah," the General said, holding his hand over Cara's face to shield her from the sun.

"She should be awake already," Qui-Gon grumbled.

The General grinned and looked up at Qui-Gon as they walked toward the rugby pitch. "I've always had a way with children, you--"

"I know," Qui-Gon replied flatly.

Suddenly, Haken turned from his focus on the poor bastard miner he'd just flattened during a round of touch football. "DAS LIEBLING CARA!!"

Qui-Gon quietly groaned. "Obi-Wan, surely Maximus would be better suited--"

"We'll need his help, Mastah. And you know very well that Haken is a doting uncle."

"Uncle??" Qui-Gon replied with offense.

"Haken lieben das liebling Cara," Haken said with a gigantic grin. Haken began to make goo goo noises as Cara stirred slightly in the General's arms. "Haken be quiet," the big lug whispered loudly.

"Good man, Haken," the General said as the Beefalow took Cara, and she continued to sleep quite peacefully cradled in his massive arm.

Qui-Gon frowned.

"Maximus," the General called out, walking toward the new batting cages that were set right next to the rec hall.

"General," Max replied tossing one pathetic-looking bat onto the ground.

"Left you with nothing but that, did they?" the General said, looking down at the bat.

"I have learned many things in my years in the army," Max replied with a hint of a smile on his face. "And the most important lesson of all was never to stand between a woman - let alone an entire calvary of them - and her goal, be it her money, her vengeance, or my commanding officer."

"Well said," the General replied with a chuckle. "But I think we may just have to intercede this time, or they're likely to firestorm all of Testosterone County."

Finally satisfied that Haken was indeed a competent babysitter, Qui-Gon made his way over to the two generals. "So, how shall we proceed?"

The General looked at Max. Max looked at Qui-Gon. Qui-Gon looked at the General.

"Let's take Darry's car," the General offered as their first important decision.

~*~

"Hey!" the Nurse yelled at the sound of her car engine, knowing its distinctive purr apart from all the other shit out there in the garage. She scrambled up off the floor. Well, she scrambled up off of Cic and peered out the window. "Who the fuck is taking my car again?!"

"Ah ah," Cic replied, reaching up to the tabletop and shaking a potty mouth jar at her.

"Fuck that noise," she replied, grabbing the jar out of his hand and throwing it behind her as Cic pulled her back down to the floor.

~*~

"Laure? Darling? Sweetest gift of my existence?" Commo said, hesitantly sticking his nose out of the bedroom doorway and cautiously peering into Laure's office that really wasn't an office but a rehearsal studio or some story like that.

Commo's eyes darted back and forth. "Dove? Lily? Dewdrop?"

Commo stepped one brave foot out of the bedroom.

He paused.

He waited for his name to be taken in vain.

Nothing.

Commo smiled. He hurried back into the bedroom and grabbed his golf clubs.

~*~

Part 2

The General pulled into the Wanker University driveway. He stopped the car and looked out the window.

"It all seems in one piece," Qui-Gon said.

"Not so much as a plume of smoke," Max said.

"And our campus looked fine moments before it sunk into the ground, I'm sure," the General said, stepping out of the BMW.

"Actually, it didn't," Qui-Gon said.

The General gave Qui-Gon A Look. Not The Look, but A Look nevertheless.

Qui-Gon shrugged.

Suddenly a girlie man scream filled the air.

"Why did I ever think he was the chosen one?" Qui-Gon said as they ran toward the unpleasant shrieking, which was followed by Grrl Power laughter.

"This isn't sounding good for him," Max said.

They rounded the dormitories and then hurried toward the football field.

And then they stopped.

"LET ME DOOOOWWWWN!!!"

There before them was the BSB hanging upside down from the goalpost at the far end of the field. The Ho's stood below him, laughing it up and throwing crushed pineapple at the wounds they had obviously inflicted upon him.

Except for Dande who was taking pictures.

"WISHPUFF!"

Dande froze where she stood. Then she hurried forward and crammed the camera in Emmy's pocket.

"Mastah Dahling!" she called, hurrying toward him.

"How did they ever get him up there?" Max asked, mostly awestruck but partially fearful.

"We probably don't want to know," the General answered.

"Wishpuff," Qui-Gon said sternly.

The Puff promptly thudded.

"I think perhaps we should probably return to campus now," the General finally said, stepping forward and grabbing the can of pineapple out of Kendra's grasp.

"Yeah fine," Emmy said, totally unfazed by the men's appearance.

"And don't *ever* think about it again, got it?" Jael threatened. "You are a blasphemy to Geek Artists everywhere." And then she whacked off his braid with her sword.

"LET ME DOOOOOOOWWWWN!"

"This isn't over!" Shana asserted, staring into his upside down face. "Do you understand me?!"

"Ye...ye...ye...yessss," the BSB sniveled.

"Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said, hauling Dande up from the ground. "We should probably..." he said, hooking his thumb toward the BSB who swung like a piñata from the goalpost.

"Of course," the General said. A moment later, the BSB fell from the goalpost and landed on his head.

"That wasn't quite what I had in mind, Obi-Wan," Qui-Gon said.

Obi-Wan flashed his gotta-love-me grin. "It's exactly what I had in mind, Mastah."

~*~

"Wow! This is better than winning the lottery!" Kendra exclaimed as she and Tara sat on the floor amidst the piles of cash from the potty mouth jars.

"We could buy the entire county and turn it into one gigantic water park just for us," Tara said. "But classy, of course. None of that plastic slide business."

"We could feature fountains from around the galaxy," Kendra said. "And build a giant rain room...only make it like a beach inside....with a huge ocean, and--"

"I don't think so," Laure said, standing at the entrance of Kendra's office with her hands on her hips. "We're buying stuff for my cabaret."

"Pish!" Tara replied.

~*~

"Hey. Hey, get up."

Xani groaned, rubbing his eyes.

"C'mon," Dor said.

"Quit kicking me," Xani said, finally sitting up from the floor.

"How long have you been unconscious?"

"I wasn't unconscious, I was just napping."

"Uh huh."

"And quit kicking me!"

"Why?" Dor said, blinking innocently.

"Because it turns me on, and you won't be able to walk for several days once I'm done," Xani purred, rising to his feet and trapping Dor against the wall.

"Try me."

~*~

"CO! MO! DUS!"

Even over the noise of the John Deere mower engine, Commo could hear the, um, passionate call of his beloved.

Killing the engine, Commo ran toward the Admin Building, bending low to pull flowers on his way.

~*~

"Wow," Emmy sighed, completely boneless and crumpled against the General as they sat on the sofa in his office.

Well, as he sat on the sofa and she...um...sat on top of him.

The General smiled and stroked her hair.

"Alright then," Emmy said, getting up and smoothing down the skirt of her dress. She stepped over to the General's desk, picked up the potty mouth jar, and shook it at him.

"What??"

"C'mon. Pay up."

"No, no. That doesn't count," he said, collecting his pants as he stood.

Emmy just shook the jar at him.

"You cahn't be serious," the General said as he strolled forward. "That was a perfectly lovely experience."

Emmy smiled, placing her arm and the jar behind her back. "Of course it was," she said, giving him a sweet kiss. "It was wonderful." She stroked his cheek with her other hand. Then she took a step back. "But fair is fair," she said, bringing the jar up again and shaking it.

The General shook his head. "You are impossible," he said, reaching into his pocket for change.

"I know," Emmy said, giving him her cutest grin.

~*~

"Well, I certainly hope that everyone has learned their lesson today and will not bother reading the Testosterone County Gazette ever again," Qui-Gon said, finishing off his ale and giving Judy a good tip.

"Yeah."

"Sure."

"Whatever."

Qui-Gon just sighed at the usual response from the Ho's. He walked toward the door and saw Kendra deeply engrossed in a Gazette article about the Testosterone County farmer who made it rain on his crops by placing St. Paulie Girl beer cans in the shape of three equilateral triangles in the center of his field.

"Now this is a newspaper," Qui-Gon said, placing his copy of the Coruscant Times on top of Kendra's Gazette.

Then he left as she arched an eyebrow at him.

~*~

Julia grinned as she developed the photos that Dande had taken at the scene. These would definitely bring a lot of satisfaction to every Ho on campus for a long time to come.

And maybe with a little help from the Warrior Princess, they could fashion something to combat the trash coming out of Lucas County.

No one would defile her General and get away with it.

~*~

"Wow, we'll be able to buy the entire planet by the end of the week if this keeps up," Judy said, dumping another full potty mouth jar into a large garbage can.

"Between the Diva and the miners, I think we may have found a whole new source of funding," Shana said.

Judy nodded. "This was well worth the trouble of timing the television to automatically switch from ESPN to Oprah five times a day for every time zone."

~*~

"Oh my goodness!" Kendra exclaimed, re-reading the ad in the Coruscant Times as she sat at her desk:

TIMESHARE AVAILABLE
Long for the excitement of city life but enjoy the peacefulness of your country lifestyle?
Want to savor a cosmopolitan lifestyle without having to risk financial investment?
Do we have the opportunity for you!
Spacious gardens, multi-room accommodations, gymnasium, conference facilities, in-house catering, 24-hour security, free labor for all your needs, large swimming pools, and all the extras in the heart of downtown Coruscant! Shopping, theatre, five-star restaurants! It's all here!
Featuring a 10,000-fountain bonus room.
Don't delay! Call now!
Coruscant Premiere Properties

"Ten THOUSAND fountains??" Kendra said, her voice shaking with overwhelming glee as she clumsily picked up the phone and dialed the number.

~*~

"Mastah Dahling?"

"Yes Wishpuff?"

"I'm off to have tea with Laure. I'll be back in a little while."

"Very well," da Mastah replied, laying back on his recliner and tuning to NASCAR.

"Emmy is watching Cara, so you just relax and--"

"Emmy is watching Cara?" he replied, shifting his chair forward again.

"Yes, Emmy is trying her hand at chocolates and Cara is helping," Dande answered happily as she opened the door. "I'm sure they're having a fabulous time. I'll be back in a bit."

Qui-Gon frowned. The Diva. Watching his child.

In a kitchen no less.

This would never do.

~*~

"Ten THOUSAND??"

"Yes!" Kendra replied enthusiastically, her eyes slightly glazed over.

"But...but how?" Tara asked. "There's not much room there."

"I don't know! I don't care! I want!" Kendra exclaimed.

"And why? I mean...why? Timeshare??"

Kendra shrugged. "I dunno. Something about a gambling debt. They need the money! We've got money! They have water! We live for water! This is fate!"

Tara, feeling a bit lightheaded, took a seat on Kendra's sofa. "While I follow your logic completely, I'm just not certain if everyone would agree to this."

"WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?!"

Tara stared wide-eyed at Kendra who appeared half-crazed.

Kendra took a quick breath. "Sorry. I'm sorry. It's just...ten thousand fountains. It's a bit overwhelming for me."

"I understand," Tara said. "Really I do. I just think that maybe we should talk to the General first."

Kendra fidgeted a bit nervously.

"What did you do?"

"Well, I kinda sorta already told them to send me all the information," Kendra said.

"Oh." Tara paused, thinking for a moment. "Well, that's okay! It's always good to be armed with all the information first before making a pitch."

Kendra's eyes brightened. "Right! That's exactly what I was thinking!"

"So we'll wait til the stuff gets here, and then we can talk to the General."

"Perfect!"

Both Water Ho's then collapsed back against the sofa, daydreaming of ten thousand fountains.

~*~

Qui-Gon walked with purpose toward the chocolaterie.

And then he heard Cara screaming.

He stormed into the chocolaterie.

And then found that Cara was actually *squealing*, not entirely *screaming*.

In fact, she was having a fabulous time in her high chair as the Diva gave her little tastes of cooled chocolate from the incredible gooey mess of it that was being tempered on the marble table surface.

"Dark, yes," Emmy said nodding her head enthusiastically. "Dark is yummmmy!"

Qui-Gon huffed.

The Diva turned around. "Oh terrific."

"You'll spoil her dinner with all that," Qui-Gon said.

"Oh please," Emmy said. "Let her have a little fun."

"She has plenty of fun."

"Uh huh," Emmy replied dryly, turning back to her pile of melted chocolate. "Whatever."

And then, from the center of the chocolate goo, a large dollop flew up and hit the Diva right on the cheek.

Emmy gasped. "Why you--"

"Please, not in front of my daughter," Qui-Gon said, walking over to the high chair as Cara squealed in delight. He bent down and kissed the top of her head and then stood.

SPLAT!

Qui-Gon froze for a moment, registering something thick, warm, gooey on the back of his head.

Slowly, he turned to face the Diva.

Then he looked at her pile of chocolate and her chocolate covered fingers.

Emmy yelped as he lunged forward, jumping out of the way as he grabbed a handful and threw it at her.

"No Force cheating!" Emmy yelled as she circled the table.

Cara squealed and clapped her hands.

"I never cheat."

"That's not what Obi says," the Diva responded, grabbing her chocolate molds and flinging them at him, the melted chocolate smearing on the front of his shirt.

"Hey! That's my favorite shirt."

"Oh boo hoo," Emmy replied, yelping again as she dove down to the floor as more chocolate came flying her way. She crawled underneath the table and then ran like mad for the refrigerator. She opened the door and grabbed a can of whipped cream.

And then another can of whipped cream flew out of the fridge and past her.

"I said no cheating!"

"Just needed to even the playing field," Qui-Gon replied with an evil glint in his eye.

"WAIT!" Emmy yelled, holding her hand up. "Other side of the room."

"Agreed," Qui-Gon replied.

Emmy kept her arm up and her can pointed at him. Qui-Gon kept his can pointed at her. And they moved across the room away from Cara who was still squealing and clapping at this wonderful show.

"Okay good enough," Qui-Gon said quickly as he sprayed his whipped cream with maniacal laughter.

"Cheap start!" Emmy said, climbing up on top of another long table as her back was covered with whipped cream. Then she turned and sprayed whipped cream all over Qui-Gon's head.

"Cheat!"

"Even playing field!" the Diva cackled.

~*~

Dande walked past the Pub on her way back home from having tea with Laure.

And then she heard her husband yell.

Dande clutched her chest as she then heard the distinctive cackle of the Diva.

"Oh those two," Dande muttered under her breath as she hurried toward the chocolaterie. "Can't leave them alone for two seconds before they're at each other's--"

Dande stopped in the doorway of the chocolaterie.

First she saw her daughter, happily giggling in her high chair.

And then she saw chocolate and whipped cream covered Mastah and Diva.

Qui-Gon was leaning against the solid wood table in the middle of the room.

And the Diva was leaning against him.

And they were.

Laughing?

"Oh my God, Dande is gonna kill us," the Diva giggled.

Qui-Gon sighed away his laughter. "We're just lucky this isn't the cottage," he said, catching his breath and glancing around the terrible mess in the kitchen.

Dande smiled. "Are you two actually having fun??"

The Diva and the Mastah stood at attention upon hearing Dande's voice.

"Pphhh," Emmy replied, quickly turning around and acting like she was cleaning off the table. "Yeah right."

Qui-Gon tried to casually wipe the chocolate off his face with a towel. "Don't be silly, Wishpuff."

Dande shook her head and walked over to Cara who was about to squeal herself silly.

~*~

"Kendra, you can't be serious," Judy said as she polished her margarita glasses.

"Judy, ten thousand fountains. Ten *thousand*."

"You really need to get a grip," Julia said as she caffeine-buzzed herself on iced tea. "Besides, you have plenty of fountains here in your water garden and in the lake."

"Ten THOUSAND," Kendra said emphatically.

"Padawan," Judy said, giving Kendra The Eye.

"I'm sorry! I'm a Water Ho, I get a little worked up about these things!"

Judy rolled her eyes.

"Kendra deah, is something wrong?" the General asked as he walked up to the bar.

"No," Kendra said as she sulked.

"She wants to timeshare the Temple," Judy said.

"Oh thanks a lot!" Kendra said.

"What?" the General asked incredulously.

Kendra pulled the crinkled ad out of her pocket and showed it to him.

The General shook his head. "I knew that Mastah Yoda was having some trouble with the power slots at the casinos, but I didn't realize it had gotten this bad."

Julia began to laugh at the visual of Yoda sitting at a slot machine.

The General glanced at Julia.

"Sorry," Julia said, still laughing.

The General quirked a smile. "But Kendra, why would you want to live there? I've lived there. Trust me, this is a far cry bettah. If you would like to visit there we can certainly do that, but--"

"Ten THOUSAND fountains!"

The General chuckled and kissed Kendra's forehead. "I think it's time I showed you something."

Kendra's brow furrowed.

The General winked at Julia and Judy and then took Kendra by the hand and led her out of the Pub.

"She's gonna die," Julia said.

Judy smiled. "Yes, quite literally, I think."

~*~

"So? What is it?" Kendra asked as the General led her across the rugby pitch.

"It's a surprise."

"For me?" Kendra asked excitedly.

"Well, it's for everyone, but we decided to keep it a secret from you."

Kendra pouted. "Why?"

"You'll see," the General replied with a smug grin.

Kendra hurried as the General led her beyond the fields and into the trees. He led her up a trail that she hadn't seen before and through thick underbrush.

"We'll cut this back, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise."

After weaving through several more trees, they finally came to a clearing.

Kendra gasped quite loudly and grabbed the General and held on for dear life.

Before her was a waterfall. Actually, there were four separate waterfalls plunging down the rock face, each at different heights. A pool of crystalline water swirled at the bottom of the waterfalls. A stream then branched off from the pool and wound its way in the opposite direction from where they stood.

"That stream actually comes out on the other side of the woods and runs along the edge of the hill and then empties into the lake."

Kendra stood, mouth gaping open.

"I know it's not ten thousand fountains, but--"

"I LOVE IT!!" Kendra exclaimed, jumping up into the General's arms and squeezing the stuffing out of him with her arms wrapped around his shoulders and her legs wrapped around his waist. "This is WAY better than any stupid Temple!"

The General laughed. "Stupid??"

"Oh, sorry. I meant. Well."

The General set Kendra down and brushed his nose against hers. "I know," he said with a smile. "I hope you enjoy this."

"Tara's gonna die!" Kendra replied.

The General arched a brow. "I certainly hope not."

Kendra grinned. "Thank you. This is wonderful."

"You're very welcome," the General replied. And then he grabbed her by the hand and hurried forward into the water. "But we have to test it out first!" he said playfully.

Kendra laughed as she splashed in the water with the General. "But we can at least visit the ten thousand fountains sometime, right?"

The General grinned and took Kendra's hand in his. "Name it and it shall be yours," he said, kissing her hand while keeping his eyes locked with hers.

~*~

"Coruscant Premiere Properties."

"I'm calling about your timeshare ad."

"Oh yes, we've had quite a number of inquiries for that."

"What are the terms?"

"It's a flexible timeshare program. The occupant limit is thirty, which is quite high by most timeshare standards, making this a fabulous business opportunity for corporate housing or conference space. Or for large parties or other events."

"I'm sure they'll love that."

"What do you mean?"

"This is the Jedi Temple we're talking about, after all."

"How did you know?"

"I'm familiar with the place. The ten thousand fountains gave it away."

"Ah, I see. So I take it that you are interested?"

"Yes, I'm very interested. How much do they want for it?"

"One million per year, it's a three-week timeshare cycle."

"I'll give you five million if I get exclusive timeshare rights to the property."

"Um...well. Just a moment."

"Is there a problem?"

"No, I just need to get confirmation."

"Five million isn't acceptable enough?"

"No, no, it is *very* acceptable. I'll just need to get a verification of your income source. Are you a representative or a--"

"I'm a representative. This will be on a corporate account."

"Yes, of course. And the name of your company?"

"Hugs for Humanity."

"Hugs for Humanity?"

"Yes. It is a subsidiary of a larger corporation. It is our entrepreneurial group. Good for taxes and all that."

"Oh yes! Of course. I completely understand. Now if I could just get your name, we will run the application check, and then I can send you the contract."

"Of course. My name is Pelham. Uh. Pelham Cicero. That's P-E-L-H-A-M. C-I-C-E-R-O."

"Wonderful, Mister Cicero. I will process your application immediately and fax you the contract."

"Excellent. I look forward to it."

"Goodbye, Mister Cicero."

Xani hung up the phone and logged on to his Offworld account. "Revenge is sweeeeeeet," he purred.

The End