Title: HSU: Thinking Outside the Box
Author: Shana (with an assist from the Nurse)
Timeline: After Judy's La Chocolaterie de HSU
Rating: MPCA (Monty Python Channeling Alert). This is nuts, grrls, I hope you don't mind some mayhem in the name of fun. and its long! sorry! it was supposed to be short!
Disclaimer: Pish off, Evil Plaid One.
Summary: Judy gets an idea for expanding the campus... a wet Commo... eh, ya know, HSU mayhem. and chocolate. :)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"And this, my dear protégé, is the rest of the kingdom. One day, when the Gods have taken me into the heavens to live among them, this shall be yours."

Cal, his head sticking out of the golf cart, made an "ooo" sound.

Continuing with a flourish of hand gestures towards the garage and the miscellaneous cars parked near it, Commo continued. "It's not an easy task, and these women are hard to rule, but it is possible. Quintus tells me that his Lady is quite adamant about their claim to the land, but like the great Amazons of old, they will fold to the will of a great Roman Emperor."

Cal's lip puckered.

"--And his protégé."

The padawannabe smiled again, relieved. "And Laure?"

The despot blew out a defiant breath and turned to avoid a row of motorcycles glinting in the noonday sun. "I'll deal with her."

"But she's still upset about the Hooters thing..."

"No harm will come--" Zooming by a pack of Hos wandering back from their lakeside picnic, a round of vulgarities and hand gestures offered in his wake, Commo sighed. "No harm will come to you by her hand."

"Commo!!"

The lunatic emperor's eyes widened a little at the voice.

"Commo, get your imperial ass over here!"

Turning the golf cart around and heading back the way they had just come, the pair tried not to watch as Laure, still a bit wet from a dip in the lake, flagged them down with a red checkered cloth, standing in the same place where they had nearly run her toes over.

Cal looked back at the Ho and swallowed, wishing the cart could exceed its 25 mph limit. "She looks awful mad."

Commo raised an eyebrow, lifted his foot off the accelerator and then slammed it again-- to no avail but nearly throw them both out-- and pointed towards the far end of the campus. "A good leader knows when to duck out of the battlefield."

Cal nodded just as a basket whacked him in the back of the head. "They're chasing us."

"Then again, perhaps we've made a tactical error."

~*~*~

"So, tell me again what you intend to do?"

Judy grinned and pointed at the blueprint. "Here's the pub. Here's the chocolaterie. If I get some miners and pay-- er, bribe them with alcohol, they'll dig me a storage space and tunnel between the two so I can enlarge the pub and accommodate the expanding needs of the campus."

Kymira blinked. "Secret tunnel? It's next door."

"Well...." Judy grinned, "I was thinking more along the lines of storage with easy access to either place. And tunnel parties for when we can't decide which type of indulgement we want more."

"Why not create an entire underground system for the whole school?"

There was a pause as the two Hos regarded each other.

"If we did it right..."

"We could get to different buildings without ever stepping outside..."

"Alternate routes..."

"Alternate routes to the General..."

"Alternate places for shag sessions..."

"Or we might sink everything into the ground with this..."

"Eh," Judy countered, shrugging and sipping on a margarita, "we've rebuilt this place plenty of times. What's one more go-round?"

Kymira lifted her glass and cheered.

~*~*~

"Um, m'lord Commodus?"

Commo looked at his passenger. "Yes, Cal?"

Cal indicated the rising water level around them. "Does an emperor panic about things like this?"

There was a pause as the Roman watched the front end of his golf cart sink into the water with a series of loud gurgles. "No. He must be strong, triumphant, impervious to the elements."

Cal hooked a thumb behind them. "And the girls behind us?"

Julia, Laure and Jael were standing at the banks of the lake, arms crossed, waiting for the ludicrous pair to sink like the Titanic.

"They... are far enough away that they can't hit us with anything."

~*~*~

"Laure, maybe we should help them."

The cabaret headliner shrugged and kept watching as the cart sunk deeper into the lake. "No, I think this time I'll let him see just how omnipotent he really is."

Jael tsked. "Hooters?"

"Forgivable with time and *his* pain."

Julia snickered and snapped another picture. "Nearly running your toes over?"

Laure wagged a finger. "See the look of panic on his face? Like he may have to die with the likes of a guy like Cal?"

Julia adjusted her zoom lens and snapped a pic of the panicked expression crossing Commo's face, then nodded.

"Yep," Jael said.

"That's why I chased them into the lake. Now, if you need me, I'll be practicing my new swing number."

Jael waited a few more minutes, watching as Cal leaned out his side of the cart, waving at the two remaining grrls frantically enough to nearly tip over the small vehicle, then scratched her hand. "I think I'll go say hi to Max."

Julia stopped taking pictures long enough to grin. "Gonna tell him about this?"

"What, watching the RB drown? Heck, he might want to come out and watch."

~*~*~

With a stretch of his shoulders, the General strolled into the love shack, stripped off his riding jacket and flicked on the lightswitch with the Force. Untucking his shirt, about to unbutton it so he could change into something a bit more apropos for his appointment with Dor, he paused when he saw something move in the velvet draped corner of the room.

Walking over the mass of rugs and pillows, pushing aside a maroon drape, he frowned at the sight that greeted him.

"Shana?"

The OSA director looked up, smiled a little at the heavenly sight-- partially dressed General-- greeting her and sighed. "Sanctuary?"

He offered a hand down to her. "What?"

"Sanctuary. Can I hide here? No one's been here for a few hours."

The frown deepened on his face, knitting his brow as he pointed at a chair. Waiting until the auburn haired Ho sat, he kneeled down and set hands on her knees. "Now tell me what's wrong."

Shana threw her hands up in the air. "I'm gonna kill him within a week of him coming onto campus."

"Who?"

"Lindsey. He's making me lose my groove! My groove! Not even trailer living did that! He evaluated my financial records down to the cent, pointed out a more efficient way to track student activity, suggested ten ways to completely eliminate the Ewoks and wants me to give him access to the G drive of the network."

"The lawyer?"

"Yeah. Him. Evil!hand."

"...G drive?" Obi-Wan raised an eyebrow. "I wasn't aware we had a G drive."

"Uh," she started, waving her hands deferentially. "Yeah, that was the point of it. Limited access, though that policy was mainly aimed at Xani. Anyways, he's in my office now, offering to catch me up."

"You need catching up?"

"That's what I said!" Jumping up and stalking to the balcony, staring out of the Elephant with the latent urge to scream, Shana turned. "So, I left. I figured the loss of his other hand might be construed as a tad too violent."

The General frowned again, considered his options and walked up behind the Ho, setting his hands at her waist and leaning in to whisper in her ear. "Do you want a suggestion?"

The silky voice melted away a bit of tension. "Humh?"

"Go to the club, get something to drink and enjoy the music. I'll stop by later for you, and do my best to distract you. All right?"

There was a pause as Shana inhaled, savoured the thought of what "distraction" could involve, and nodded.

~*~*~

"Then you add the basement like this... voila! Parking spaces."

Judy squinted past the gold net partially blocking her view of the computer screen. "Great, Crow, but how is SimTower going to help us with these plans?"

Crow made an incredulous sound. "Because in order to understand the greatness of a sublevel, you must exploit all its potential. See? I have a movie theatre, shopping and restaurants down there! And the parking is below ground."

The Frosh Ho made a "he's crazy" gesture. "We're not installing a shopping mall underneath the admin building."

"The movie theatre is a neat idea, though. We could watch movies anytime we wanted in full digital sound."

"Uh," Ky started, smacking the Bot for kicks, "we're getting distracted here."

Crow pointed at the screen desperately. "But look at my profits!!"

Kymira set a hand on the bartender's arm, urging her towards the door. "Picked the wrong office to hammer this out. We oughta just call a meeting and make it official-like."

"Wonder if we could get the director's cut of some of the movies..." Judy murmured as they stepped beyond the OSA office threshold.

Crow jumped up in the seat. "I have condos! They're small but more expensive than a Bentley! That's admirable! Worship my SimTower!"

~*~*~

"Um... oh Emperor, my Emperor?"

Commo broke his stare at the setting sun to cast an irritated glance to the shivering form next to him. "What?"

"Have you noticed that we haven't totally sunk?"

The former scourge of the Roman world glanced down at his water submerged sandals, noting with a twitch of his mouth that only part of the toga's silk was soaked.

"Um, well... ?"

"Shut up, filthy peasant."

~*~*~

Clearing her throat and waving to the Host as the green skinned demon meandered to a chair to appreciate the warm-up in all its glory, Laure kicked her feet, threw the swing into motion and leaned her head back, her hair floating in the air as she found her balance and pace. Waiting a few more moments before waving at the figure below her on the stage with the guitar, she took a deep breath and listened for the musical intro.

And nearly fell off the flying piece of wood and wire when Lindsey MacDonald broke into U2.

Grabbing onto the swing tightly, she glared down. "I thought we agreed on Heart!"

"Sorry, evil hand struck again."

The ex-mediator hissed through her teeth. "I'll show you an evil hand. Anyways, let's try this again."

The ex-lawyer nodded and flexed his fingers.

And then broke into the beginning licks of Mysterious Ways.

With a surprised shriek, Laure fell off the swing headlong into the papier-mache swan, crushing the head and neck as she grabbed for anything solid to break her fall.

The Host winced in the back. "Just got that made. Oh well."

Crawling out of the paper and glue mess, the ex-mediator growled, pushed her feather headpeice out of her eyes and leveled a finger at the guitarist.

Lindsey pointed to his right hand and shrugged. "Evil."

~*~*~

Kendra stood at the edge of the lake, towel draped over her arm, frown on her face. Slightly illuminated by moonlight, a golf cart and its two occupants floated in the middle of her lake, one of them trying to use his hand as a paddle while he wheezed his way to a fainting spell.

She was a Water Ho. This lake was her right. Her destiny. Her meaning in life as dictated by the Powers. Her great passion that kept the blood in her veins hot. The unrelenting need that was as important as the beating of her heart. It was her life, her hope, her dreams, her dearest fantasies borne to life by the thin thread of--

"Get outta my lake, you yobs!"

~*~*~

"Fuck."

Darry and Cic, their game of footsie suddenly interrupted, glanced towards the new occupant.

Tara looked up from her card game to regard the Diva. "Problem?"

Emmy paced past the lounge and paused. "Fake General pics and my car's not fixed yet. Fuck and fuck."

Cicero tapped the Ace of Spades, Tara quickly placing the two and three on top of it. "What about the chocolaterie?"

The Diva made an incredulous sound. "Was there an hour ago. Need something else... have you seen the General?"

Darry shrugged and went back to her nails, buffing them effortlessly.

Tara shook her head. "Not today. Dor had her goth and glam appointment today, though."

Emmy shook her head as well. "So he's showering for three hours afterwards. Fuck."

"Yep." Going back to her game of solitaire, her eye wandering briefly to the servant's eyebrows, Tara jumped as a spark of purple lightning crackled through the air.

Darry's smile was threatening.

A voice floated into the room. "Who's showering for three hours?"

Tara leapt off of the couch and flashed a huge grin. This was the perfect opportunity to escape before she got herself lightning'd. "Oh, Dande, hey, got some quality time for Emmy here?"

The Diva looked over at her fellow Ho. "Uh, what?"

The Wench cocked her head to the side, temporarily paused her plans of truffles, truffles and more truffles, and stepped closer to Emmy. "There a problem, Emmy?"

Crossing her arms archly, Emmy shook her head. "Car. Evil One."

Catching Tara mouth "don't" frantically, the Wench set her arm around her friend, turned her around to head towards the chocolat shoppe and smiled sympathetically. "Now, let's not get all huffy over someone with absolutely no taste in clothes. It'll work out. It usually does... or you Hos make a huge bonfire and then throw things in it."

Moving off the couch, clutching her book to her chest, Tara made for the hall before she heard anything else...

And ran smack into Pelham. "Oof, sorry."

Confused momentarily, the English lord sniffed and dusted off his jacket. "No harm done. What's the boggle, m'lady?"

The Ho blinked. "Dor's not back yet, is she?"

"Nay not."

Emmy, glaring down the hall, having caught the last question and its answer, stomped a foot. "Fuck!"

Picking up the cards and shuffling them, as Darry's foot snuck back under the table towards his, Cic dealt out his own game, impervious.

~*~*~

Standing on the stage with a mike in hand, the Host waved to the milling crowd of Hos, men and miners, smiling like a cat with the mouse in his trap. "Okay, cats and kittens, it's officially a Monday night at Ho State University and if I haven't missed my guess-- and I rarely do-- you've all gotten your drinks, chocolate and are here for some entertainment."

The club broke into cheers.

Strumming the first chords of a Heart song-- Laure had threatened to break Evil!fingers one by one if they didn't start to behave-- Lindsey plunged into Crazy On You as the lights came up on a silver and blue dressed figure moving daintily back and forth on the swing, the diamonds adorning her neck and arms casting rainbows over the dimmed audience.

Judy, clicking on her Mini-Mag(tm), tapped Ky's shoulder and pointed at the drawing in her notebook. "I figured it out. If I do it this way, it'll actually be bigger than the square footage of the regular buildings, and I *can* install a movie theatre under the music building..."

Ky's eyes widened. "Uh, Judy, how 'bout another time?"

The bartender clicked off her flashlight. "Oh, yeah. But I worked in the movie theatre."

Leaning back in her seat, enjoying the dark-- and the General's shirt that she nicked from the Love Shack-- Shana listened to the pair on the stage carry out the unplugged version of the Heart song and sighed.

"What up?"

The OSA director shrugged at the librarian, still hugging the shirt. "Explain to me why a man who isn't tone-deaf is so much better than a caterwauler."

Dor sniggered and pointed across the way at the General, quietly chatting with the Host. "Midnight serenades."

The redhead made a surrendered sound and nodded in agreement.

Sipping her drink, Emmy looked through the crowd, glaring at Xani as she caught him leering at her.

An elbow poked her side. "This isn't helping you. Just ignore him."

Frowning at the Wench as she moved to the music, Emmy crossed her arms and murmured, "Fuck."

Dande raised an eyebrow. "I heard that."

Max, his arms crossed over his chest, the casual attire Jael had given him complimenting his frame but feeling scant at the same time, watched the performance all the way from the back. He could see them all, the Hos, his Jael, the men, the General, and for the most part felt comforted...

Until he noticed the usual spot where the RB sat was open, Quintus sitting next to the empty chair with a frown on his face.

Noticing the black clad mutant and crossing the room without a disturbance to the chairbacks he brushed by, Maximus coughed quietly.

Scott cocked his head, holding his pose against the wall. "Can I help?"

"Have you seen the RB?"

There was a pause, Roman General and Mutant Team Leader each staring at the empty, purple draped seat. "No, but Laure's not seeming too upset about it."

"Hmm..."

~*~*~

"Commodus?"

Rubbing his eyes and wishing sincerely for his bed, the emperor squinted towards the passenger seat of the golf cart. "Yes?"

"Should I jump out and swim to the shore? Y'know, get some help?"

"Is it possible that you might drown, you dirty serf?"

Cal puckered a lip and looked at the dark water. "Yeah."

Commo raised a hand, holding it out with a strong, clenched fist. "Then do it. Do it for Rome."

On the shore, watching the mid-lake scene with binoculars, Kendra raised her scope, waiting for the chance to shoot darts at the padawannabe. "Yeeess, Cal, jump into my water... if you dare..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*