Title: No Miracles Happened Here
Authors: D&D Show with help from the Wench
Rating: MTP (Meet the Parents)
Archive: Duh
Disclaimer: I think Jude Watson should be singled out here, but apologies also to the usual suspects.

~*~
Just can't wait to get on the road again…
~*~

"I still don't understand why we had to take this unstylish vehicle," LP insisted as they passed another highway sign: You Are Now Leaving Estrogen County-Come as Many Times as You Can.

"Be quiet, the car will hear you," Dorotea warned as she tossed her empty Pepsi One can toward the rear of the car where it whizzed by Cic's ear and smacked Xani on the temple.

"OW! Watch it, bitch!"

"Shut up."

The fivesome had had to arrange seating in the ancient auto so that there was no risk of blood or any other bodily fluid being spilled on the worn upholstery. Darry sat in the front next to the driver and whined a lot. LP and Cicero sat behind the two women and Xani occupied the rear of the car with the luggage and a GameBoy Dorotea had given him to keep him quiet. It beeped and whistled a lot and pissed everyone off.

Since the rear-view mirror was somewhere under Xani's feet, Cic figured it was safe to lean forward and run his fingers through Darry's hair every five minutes.

"Can you two please try to go three hours without touching each other!" Dorotea warned, seeing Cic's hand out of the corner of her eye.

"You're one to talk; your two boys are at it in the back!" Darry snapped. LP hurriedly turned around and sat up straight from where he had been kissing Xani's head where the aluminium missile had clipped him.

"Stop that!" Dor ordered. "There will be no hanky-panky unless I'm included and I have to drive."

"Why?" Cic asked, yanking his fingers away from Dor's field of vision. Darry's eyes began to water as she felt several strands of her hair sharply leave her head. "I thought this vehicle could drive itself. Or maybe yew would like me-"

"Absolutely not!" Dor swivelled around and once again faced the road, just in time to quickly swerve out of the path of an oncoming lorry full of explosives.

"Are we there yet?" Darry whined.

Xani responded. "I hope so; I'm busting for a pee. Mind if I just go back here, Dor?"

The tyres left about half their tread on the asphalt.

~*~

"Okay, a little about my family," The Nurse informed the group, as they sat at a cheap plastic picnic table outside the Happy Camper Road Service Station.

"Wait till LP gets back here," Dor said, chewing on a piece of beef jerky. "He's just gone to fix his hair."

"Don't we have to get back on the road soon?" Darry replaced the lid on her bottle of Perrier and looked at her Cartier watch. "I told Mum we'd be there for three o'clock."

"We'd BE on the road now if we hadn't stopped for you and Cic to 'freshen up' in the ladies' room for twenty minutes!" Dorotea growled. "You can wait another five minutes for LP."

"Then I'm outta here for a while," Xani walked back in the direction of the station shop to unfold more roadmaps.

"Oy," Dorotea complained around her jerky. "And stop that," she snarled at Cicero, who quickly moved down the bench out of reach of the Nurse.

~*~

Finally the happy group got back under way. Dorotea relaxed a bit as the Volvo decided to steer itself for awhile, rightly assuming it had better awareness of the road than the pissed-off Librarian.

As they passed a sign saying "Welcome to Kosher County-pop. 25,000 Doctors, 45,000 Attorneys", Darry turned to the group and began:

"Right, my dad's name is Samson but you can call him Sam and my mum's name is Esther; you can call her Mrs. Willis, got that? Xani? I'm talking to you."

"Yeah, yeah." More GameBoy beeping followed.

"And my brother is Peter and his wife is Sharon. They have a daughter named Sandy, okay?"

"Thank heaven for little girls…" Xani sang.

"Oy you! Shut it!" Dorotea growled. "The kid's about thirteen!"

"Yes, she is, and if I were you, I wouldn't encourage her. She practically cornered Max at our wedding reception," Darry said. "Now, my mum is probably gonna be all over us about where we live and why I don't visit more often and why I haven't had kids yet-"

"Yeah, why haven't you?" Xani set the GameBoy down and looked up at Cic.

The Nurse's nails flared. "Xani, I'm warning you. Don't make me kill you."

"Don't make me ask her to," Dorotea added.

"Ahhh Nursie, I know your lightning doesn't work in this car." Darry shot him a look that would have left Xani with a smoking hole in his head had she had the power to wield anything more lethal than a bag of Cheetos at the moment.

"Why don't YEW have any?" Cicero asked the Greysider.

"Why don't I have any what?" Xani said, already bored. He picked up the GameBoy and started beeping again.

"Sons," Cic said. LP slowly tried to make himself invisible by scrunching up between the front and rear seats. "Or more likely, why don't yew acknowledge the ones yew already have."

"WHAT?" Dorotea yelled. "It's bad enough this one already has a wife…" She grabbed LP by the flouncy lapel and yanked him upright, "…but there is no way in hell that you're going to tell me you have children, Mr Xanatos du'Crion!"

The car swerved, picking up on the Librarian's mood as it made its way through the suburbs.

Xani looked at Dorotea with a wicked smile. "None that I know of, dollface."

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRGG!!!!!" Dorotea hurled herself over the front seat and landed on LP, as she tried to reach the Dark Jedi.

The Volvo turned a corner sharply.

LP grabbed the Librarian and held her to him. "Come now, he's just trying to make you angry. You know he thinks you're attractive when you're upset."

"I'll show him upset!" Dorotea growled, thinking of chickens and half-remembered spells.

Darry examined her nails.

"Cicero," LP said, looking at Cic and holding down the struggling Librarian. "Please do something."

Cicero looked at the Nurse who shrugged at him. Then he turned around in the back seat and punched Xanatos in the head.

"OW, you stupid servant! You're dead. For real this time!" Xanatos leaned over the seat and tied to strangle Cic.

The car pulled up outside a palatial house near the Kosher County Country Club. It continued to rock back and forth as the four occupants in the rear tried to kill one another.

Darry got out of the car and calmly walked to the house. She opened the door and called. "I'm home! I've brought guests!"

~*~
Wherever I lay my purple lightning…
~*~

"Well dear," Mrs Willis said to her daughter as she poured hot water into a teapot, "…your friends are certainly…historical."

It was true. Dor had insisted that LP wear his lavender suit and Xani had worn his black Jedi clothes. Dor had tried to dress like something Anne Rice would have been proud to write about. On the other hand, Cic wore a pair of khaki chinos and a black polo-neck sweater. Darry was in Halston. She was also the only one present not covered in bites, scratches and motor oil.

Darry nodded silently and downed the shot of medicinal Manachevitz she had poured for herself. "Gahhh… Where's the good stuff, Mother? This tastes like cough syrup."

"Your father is downstairs in the cellar choosing a vintage for dinner. I'm sure you can wait until then." Mrs Willis supervised her daughter's attempt to play hostess. Darry upended a box of shortbread biscuits all over a plate. "Now I got those for Cicero; I didn't know what your other friends would like. I have some carrot cake, and there's some kugel left over from Shabbat dinner…I wish you'd given me more notice, there's absolutely nothing in the house. Why you can't even ring to tell me what these people will eat-"

"They'll eat anything. Just put it in front of them." Darry walked through with the plate of shortbread cookies. Dorotea grabbed a handful before the plate reached the table. LP delicately took the teacup Mrs Willis handed him. Xani rested his booted feet on the coffee table.

"So how do you all know one another?" Mrs Willis asked. Darry walked over to the sofa and sat down next to Xani. She kicked his shin and he moved his feet.

LP began "We live next door to your daughter."

"In the Library," Dor added around a mouthful of shortbread.

"Ah yes," Mrs Willis said.

Xani made himself comfortable again.

"Well, I hope our arrangements here suit you. My daughter didn't give me much notice, you understand. She should have called earlier. You're the three that sleep in the coffin, right?"

"You know about that?" LP asked, almost spitting out his tea.

"Oh yes, Darlene tells me everything that goes on over there. I insist."

"Darlene?" Xani said, beginning to laugh. He turned to Darry. "What kind of trailer-trash name is that?"

Mrs Willis answered his question. "It was my grandmother's name, Mr Xanatos, and if you don't get your feet off my coffee table, I'll have my daughter amputate them and serve them for dinner." Xani stopped laughing and yanked his feet down.

"Yes ma'am," he said timidly.

~*~

What seemed an eternity but was really only ten minutes later: "Dorotea, you have such lovely skin. I do wish you'd let me call my friend Janet Finklestein over. What she knows about Avon products is frightening."

Dor turned to Darry. "You never told me you're mother was a Wo."

"All Jewish mothers are Wos." Darry pretended to yawn.

"What's a Wo, dear?" Mrs Willis asked, pouring more tea for LP.

"It'd take too long to explain. Mum, we're tired, I think we'll just go have a nap before Peter and Sharon get here, okay?"

Xani snorted. "Yeah, sure…"

"Now Mr Xanatos, they're newlyweds. Let them at least pretend to be tired."

Xani could not get his head around this woman. She was like Dorotea only grown up and with bigger hair. "Do you all want to rest before dinner?"

"I could do with a couple of hours of beauty sleep," LP said, toying with a lace cuff.

"Right, I'll just have Sam bring your things in. SAM!!!!!!!!!"

"I'm in the wine cellar, Esther!"

"I can see that. Get up here and meet our guests and kiss you daughter and son-in-law."

"I'm busy. I'll see them at dinner."

"Oy veh, Sam, and I'm sure you'll be late to your own funeral, which will take place tomorrow if you don't get up here this instant."

Xani reconsidered. Maybe Mrs Willis was more like Darry only more even-tempered.

"I'll go get the bags," Cic said, setting down his cup.

"Thank you, dear," Mrs Willis said. "You're such a good boy. And why don't you go help him, Mr Xanatos, seeing as you have nothing more productive to do."

"Do I have to?" Xani looked at Dor. Icicles are what he saw in her eyes. "Oh, all right."

"Let me show you where you'll all be staying." Mrs Willis led LP, Dor and Darry out of the living room as Cic and Xani made their way out to the car, exchanging insults and slaps.

"Here's your room," Mrs Willis motioned to Dorotea and LP as they climbed down the stairs to the cellar. "I borrowed the box from Mrs. O'Shea whom I sometimes see at the weekly ecumenical bingo game. Now as per instruction, I haven't had the girl dust in here for a week and I've turned the radiator off."

The room was tidy, if a little musty and full of old trunks and books. In the centre of the room was an enormous box that would normally house a huge fake Christmas tree. Mrs Willis had lined it with down comforters and pillows and thrown a worn gothic-looking afghan over it all.

"It's perfect…" Dorotea and LP said at the same time.

"Are you sure?" Mrs Willis asked. "Because I've asked Sam to find the old candelabras we used to use in the synagogue before they redesigned the place. I'm sure you'd have loved them, but I really didn't have enough time to prepare since Darry gave me no notice about your coming-"

"You've known for a month, Mother." Darry said quietly.

"Well, yes dear." Mrs Willis led the way back upstairs. "Now you and Cicero will be in the smaller guestroom. Sharon and Pete will have the bigger one."

"Why are we in the small guest room, then?" Darry whined.

"When you have children, you'll get a bigger room."

"Huh? Sandy doesn't stay in there with them. She sleeps in the spare room with all the toys you refuse to throw away."

LP and Dorotea looked uncomfortably at each other.

"Yes, and she's getting a little old for some of them. It will be nice to have a baby around to play with again."

"Oh, bloody hell." Darry heavily trod back up the stairs.

~*~
Baruch attah Adonai…
~*~

Xani had Force-healed his black eye and Darry had patched up Cic's bruised ribs by the time the whole crowd sat down to dinner. The entire party had resisted the urge to spend the afternoon boinking (probably due to Mrs Willis' constant reminders of how much she'd like to be a grandmother again- even by proxy).

Peter and Sharon had arrived with their daughter Sandy who flitted between being very much the "grown up" and very much the "little girl". Regardless of whatever girl she was they all fancied Xani. A lot. This was not lost on his companions, who thought it was hysterical. Xani did not.

"I get to light all the candles tonight!" Sandy danced around the menorahs.

"Sweetie, we have three menorahs, you can light one of them." Sharon advised.

"Sure, okay," Sandy acquiesced; pleased at least she'd be able to play with matches.

She wasn't the only one. At the table, Dor stood next to Xani. If fact, Dor stood ON Xani. "You will not set fire to Cicero this year," she announced.

"Mr Xani, will you help me….pleeeassseee?"

Xani looked over at Sandy, who almost batted her eyelashes at him. "Oh brother," he mumbled under his breath.

"I'm sure he'd love tew help yew light the candles, wouldn't yew?" came the suggestion from the other side of the table.

"Shut up, you archaic dogsbody, or children won't be an issue," Xani warned.

Sandy jumped around the table to stand next to Xani. "Here, I'll show you how it's done."

"I know how to light a match…" Xani growled. LP delicately stepped on Xani's toe. "Sure kid." Sandy watched Xani light a match and then took his hand and guided it to the menorah to light the candle in the centre.

"That's called the shamash, you light that first and then light all the other candles from it. Tonight we only light one more." Xani looked skyward and let Sandy help him.

Dor eyed the packed table while Cic and Mr Willis reverently lit the other two menorahs on the table. After the Willises said the accompanying prayers, they moved the menorahs to the windows and then sat down at the table.

"Do we say grace now?" Dor asked. "OW!" She rubbed her shin.

~*~
Marital bliss & time travel
~*~

Still at the table one hour and three bottles of wine later, Xani was desperately trying to push Sandy's foot away from his, Darry was moving her hand ever higher up Cic's thigh and Peter Willis was loaded and warbling on about the good old days in the Air Force.

"Time for the dreidel game, everyone. Chocolate and presents!" Sandy shouted after everyone had gotten comfortable and almost started dozing. "Here, Mr Xantus, you can play with me." She jumped up from the table and yanked Xani to his feet and began dragging him toward the front room.

"Oh joy," said the weary Greysider, almost tripping.

Mrs Willis began to stack dishes on the table. "So, when's the happy occasion for you?" she asked Dorotea.

"Huh?" The Librarian started upright.

"When are the two- er, three of you tying the knot?" Darry and LP shuddered. "I'm sure Estrogen County must allow that sort of thing- very progressive, I hear."

"Um," Dor shifted uncomfortably in her seat. "Er…"

"He's already married," Xani called from the door, indicating LP.

"I beg your pardon?" Peter said, joining the conversation and turning to Dor. "You're having an affair with a married man?"

"Ot-nay in ont-fre of the id-key," Sharon said.

"Xani, I'm gonna kill you," Dorotea growled.

"The kid is in the other room accosting one of the guests," Peter reminded his wife.

Cicero smiled, although whether it was because of the conversation or the location of Darry's hand was not entirely evident.

LP adjusted his lapels and sat up straighter. "I can explain."

"This should be good," Peter muttered.

"I WAS married, many years ago. But my wife is dead."

Mrs Willis became Mrs Sympathetic. "Oh, my dear, I'm so sorry. Was she quite young?"

LP looked sidelong at Dorotea who sat with her face in her hands. Then he looked at Cicero and Darry, who were both smiling like idiots.

"Presumably my wife died of old age," LP said looking balefully at the empty wine bottles.

"Old age!?" Mr Willis was incredulous.

LP looked at Darry and then back at the other expectant faces.

"Dad, we've had this discussion, remember? There's a reason why Pelham is dressed like an eighteenth century nobleman."

"Which is…?" Mr Willis asked.

"He IS an eighteenth century nobleman." Darry couldn't believe she'd have to have this conversation again.

"Excuse me?" Sharon said.

"Pelham is from eighteenth century England. He just happens to live at the University now."

"And how did you manage that?" Mr Willis was a bit taken aback.

"Ask your son, Sam, he can explain all that time-travel hokum."

"Mother, I'm an astronaut, not a physicist." Peter sounded a lot like his sister when addressing his mother.

"That's still no reason not to call me once and awhile."

"Mother, I was on Mars! I couldn't actually phone you every weekend."

"I bet you didn't even try."

Darry to the rescue: "Look, I thought you understood all this. We discussed this in May, remember?" Darry's hands were both on the table now, reaching for her glass and a full bottle of wine.

"Dear, we talked about how you were marrying this nice boy, and how you'd met at the University and I said that it would have been nice to have met him sooner, but I understand how you hate to keep me in the loop and I have to hear everything from that nice Mrs Calstofferson, who I sometimes see at the deli."

"Huh?" Darry was lost. So was everyone else.

"Her son Cal attends HSU; I'm sure I told you."

"Oh. My. God." Dor grabbed the bottle and opener from Darry, who wasn't moving fast enough.

"Right," Darry said. "Getting back to the point, I thought I'd explained about all the anachronisms at the University." Hmmm, that sounded like a potential academic department- maybe Commo could chair it. "Remember what I told you about Cicero?"

Upon hearing his name, Cic stopped trying to spy on Xani and Sandy in the next room, sat up and turned to his wife.

"Huh?"

Mrs Willis answered her daughter. "I remember you telling me he was a…a…servant….but I can understand why you fell in love with him anyway. He's a very sweet boy and I'm sure you'll have beautiful children." She turned to Cicero. "Pardon me for asking, dear, but those aren't inherited are they?"

Cic took the bottle Dor proffered him.

"So you completely missed the part of him being somewhat…older than me." Darry suddenly wished she were in a meeting with the Dean, the Bots, all the Ewoks and a couple of Princesses.

Just then, Xani poked his head through the door and pleaded, "Is anyone else coming in here, PLEASE?????"

~*~

Later that night, in the master bedroom-

"Sam, I'm sure there's something very strange going on with Darry and that crowd at the University."

"Esther, it's late. Please turn out the lights and come to bed."

"I mean, don't you think it's odd how Mr Pelham and Dorotea dress?"

"Esther, when was the last time you were at the Mall? Have you seen how young people dress these days?"

"And come to think of it, I never did get to the bottom of WHY the best man at Darry's wedding was dressed like he was."

"Sandy seemed to appreciate it. Sort of like a walking history lesson."

"Swaggering history lesson, more like." Apparently Sandy wasn't the only one who appreciated Max's charms.

"Probably one of those damn Freemason costumes."

"Sam, the last thing I needed reminding of was how our daughter married some goy foreigner."

"Esther, we're Reform. Think Reform. It not like she's cavorting with some xenophobic evil dictator."

~*~

In the large guestroom-

"Peter, you explain to her why Mr Xanatos sleeps in the same room with Mr Pelham and Dorotea."

"No, you can do it."

"Come on, she already knows the facts of life. Just explain this…twist on the story."

"And how exactly should I go about that? It's not like most women would want to sleep with two men…Sharon?… Hello?"

~*~

In the small guestroom-

"Where's my damn mobile phone?" Darry upended a suitcase all over her dozing husband.

"Whaa? Bed. Sleep. Don't need phone." Cicero began snoring under the enormous pile of clothes.

"I need that phone! It's my only connection with the real world."

~*~

Locked in the downstairs toilet-

"Hullo…?"

"Qui-Gon, I must speak to Dande immediately. I'm in trouble."

"Xanatos? Is that you?"

"Yes, Master."

"Don't 'yes, master' me. What's wrong?"

"I'm in over my head. I'm trapped. I have no way out. I'm doomed. I must speak to Dande. Only Dande can help me."

"Xanatos, this does not sound like you or any other Jedi. That defeatist attitude is anathema to the teachings of the Force. Now what challenge could you possibly not rise to?"

"I've got an adolescent girl chasing me."

"I'll put Dande on."

Dande took the phone from Qui-Gon, wondering what could have Xani so upset. She looked at her Mastah questioningly.

"Adolescence." He replied cryptically.

Dande shook her head and put the phone to her ear.

"Hello Xani...Please, calm down. No, no dear, please stop shouting..."

Qui-Gon raised a brow and tried to suppress a small smirk. He couldn't help it. All those years of conflict with Xanatos, all the knowledge and self-defence training he'd tried to get through to him, and in the end, an adolescent girl had proved to be his undoing.

Dande gave him an admonishing look. Qui-Gon donned a look of mock remorse. Dande smiled.

"Yes, yes, I'm listening Xan. No, you can't kill her. Yes, I'm serious. What does Dor say? Xanatos! You tell her she can't turn that little girl into a goldfish! No. I don't care what she did. Moony eyes? Well, I hardly call that deadly. If I know Dor, she's loving every minute of this torture."

"Ha! I've seen some lethal doe eyes in my time, yours included, Wench." Da Mastah scoffed as he rummaged through the refrigerator for the milk.

"She has a crush on you, that's all. Xani, don't even kid me. She's thirteen. Don't even pretend like you'd touch her! Oh stop. I know you are faithful to Dor."

Qui-Gon growled at this point. Dande elbowed him as he walked past her to the table with a sandwich and a glass of milk.

"Right. Mmm Hmmm. Sure. Oh, of *course* I believe you that the only reason you are not showing her how great you really are is because she's jail bait. Riiiiight. Mocking you? Moi? Would I do that?" Dande asked coyly.

The Master laughed outright as he opened the sports page.

"Uh huh, and Dor would turn you into a rat, I know...I know. I'm giving you a hard time? Well dear, if you'd stop avoiding the real issues, maybe I wouldn't."

Qui-Gon groaned in sympathy for Xanatos.

"What real issues? Well, how about: number one, you love Dor. Not stop! I'm not finished. Number two, that little girl makes you nervous. Don't shout at me Xani. No, no, I don't doubt that you have handled highly trained assassins and entire ships full of smugglers, but this is different. Xani, I'm not staying on the line if you use more language like that."

The Master looked up from his paper, ready to intervene if the Puff was subjected to vulgar talk. Dande smiled softly at him, and held her hand up, the universal Wench signal for "It's ok, Big Man." Qui-Gon turned his attention back to the racing form.

"Look, take the big brother approach. No, don't teach her how to cheat at poker and swear in huttese. Take her to a movie, to the mall. Yes, I'm serious! She's thirteen, she's probably a Mall Rat. Oh, stop whining. The mall can't be as bad as a Council meeting with Qui-Gon.

"Hey!" Qui-Gon began to object, then stopped as he reflected which was the worse fate, accompanying him to a particularly ugly Council meeting, or escorting teenagers to a mall. Tough call.

"Take her and her little friends to a movie and the mall. Yes, they are going to giggle, girls do that. Yes, I know Dor doesn't giggle, but I'm sure she did when she was thirteen. Oh, I'd hardly call it a fate worse than death, don't you think that's a bit dramatic?"

"No, I don't. I think Xanatos is right." Qui-Gon muttered. "And Dor *does* giggle." He added as a quiet aside. Smirking again.

Dande threw a dishtowel at him.

"Now just take them out for a movie and ice cream, then you can skip the mall. No, you can't sell them to the Huts. No. I don't care how much they are worth. Stop it. Buy her a teddy bear. Honey, she's half grown and half a little girl, this is a hard age for her. Yes, I know it's hard for you too. All right. Good. Remember, be a big brother. Well, sure, you can teach her self-defence, but...no knives or brass knuckles or stun guns, you know.

"Bring your cell phone, okay, Darry's cell phone and call me if there is trouble. And Xani, don't lose them or hurt them or sell them into slavery. Yes, I ruin all your fun, I know. Say hello to Dor for me. Bye now."

Dande sighed heavily as she hung up the phone, and giggled softly.

"Don't mock him. You wimmen are very dangerous. I feel for him. I do." QGJ said with a dramatically serious face on. Then he smiled. "Wishpuff, come here." He growled as he pulled her into his lap.

Dande picked up the dishtowel she'd thrown at him and flicked him lightly on the head with it as she settled into his lap. "Dor...giggles?"

"Shhhh. Don't tell her I told you. She might turn my shed into an outhouse or something." He whispered as he nuzzled Dande's neck.

Dande didn't say annathang more. She was having trouble remembering her own name at this point.

Over in the admin building, Kendra jumped up from her desk and flew into the General's office, throwing the door open with a crash.

"Kendra love, what's the mattah?" Obi-Wan asked, looking concerned.

Kendra gave him the "Whatevers" look.

"Ahh, I see. Close the door love, and let's see what we can do about these whatevers of yours."

~*~
Male bonding?
~*~

Sandy tugged on her uncle's linen shirt sleeve. "Are you gonna help cook latkes tonight at the synagogue?"

"I may dew." Cic refilled his cup with coffee and sat down at the kitchen table where LP was having breakfast.

"What about you, Mr Pelham. Are you helping too?"

"Me cook? Certainly not. And it's Lord Pelham, my dear." LP carefully spread butter onto a scone.

"Does your friend Mr Xani like to cook?"

LP eyed Cicero. Both shook their heads firmly.

Just then Xani walked in. "Hey Sandy, how would you and some friends like to go to the movies today?"

"With you?" Xani nodded. "REALLY?" Sandy danced around. "Let me go ask mom." She scampered out of the room.

"What are yew dewing?" Cic asked, suspicious.

"Yes, Xani. Do you know what you're getting yourself into?" LP looked genuinely worried.

"Not me. Us. The womenfolk are going shopping today. And I think Mr Fixit Sex-Fiend here is spending the day with the other in-laws." Cicero scowled at the Jedi. "So that leaves you and I free to sort this out once and for all."

"Xanatos, you know I love you, but there are certain things I will not do." LP poured himself more tea.

"What are you on about, you fop? You're always socialising with the old matrons the stupid Dean is always inviting over to con money out of. This'll be easy compared to that."

"Have yew ever spent any time in the company of children?" Cicero asked, raising an eyebrow. "It's not easy." He remembered well the day he swore that babysitting was not part of his job description. There were some things that no amount of loyalty could force him to do again.

"No, but how hard could it be?"

LP clarified. "Need I remind you of how you almost gnawed off your own arm last night so as not to play that dreydel game anymore," He watched Xani pace around the room looking like a man with a mission.

"That was then, this is now."
 
"And how is now any different from then," LP asked, carefully wiping jam from his mouth with a frilly serviette.

"I have a plan…"

~*~
Afternoon delight
~*~

"What's the matter, dear?" Mrs Willis watched her offspring dig around in her DKNY handbag.

"I can't find my frakin' phone," Darry mumbled.

The group reached the top of the escalator. With a bit of help they managed to propel themselves and their shopping bags from the moving walkway to the tiled floor.

"Jeez, you're terrible. How long has it been since you talked to him? Two hours?" Sharon shook her head.

"Who?" Darry switched hands and kept rummaging.

"Cicero!" Sharon said.

"Oh, him. No, I need to call home and see if that alarm system was repaired. I almost fried myself the last time I had to get out of bed."

"Which was about a year ago," Dor muttered under her breath.

"Sweetie, are you sure there isn't anything you'd like to tell me?" Darry looked up to find her mother motioning toward the entrance of Toys-R-Us.

"Yes, there is."

Mrs Willis almost shouted in joy.

"I'm not pregnant."

"She's just practicing a lot."

Darry took a swing and managed to clip Dor with a shopping bag. Unfortunately it was from Victoria's Secret and therefore the blow had little force behind it from any substantial ballast.

"You're not pregnant yet, dear," Mrs Willis clarified and turned her gaze to the other shops within sight. "In that case we'll have more time to concentrate on finding a nice engagement ring for Dorotea.

"Exactly," said Darry.

The Docs in the bag which Dor swung would have done some real damage had it connected with the Nurse, who's Sith reflexes told her to duck at just the right moment. Dor did a nice twirl though.

~*~
Chocolate frog, anyone?
~*~

"I've seen that one already, Mr Xani," Sandy said as Mr Willis dropped the group at the Kosher County Cinema Complex. "But I'll see it again, with you."

"Please, call me Xani." Xanatos was all smiles.

LP was all ambivalence. "This is going to end worse than the last time I was in London," he whispered to his companion.

"You were HANGED the last time you were in London, Pelham," Xani reminded him.

"Exactly."

The mobile phone in Xani's jeans pocket rang. He took it out and tentatively looked at it before answering. "Hello…?"

"I heard that!" the Nurse's voice clearly shouted at him.

"Darry, how did you know what I said?" Xani looked around the street, expecting to see the redhead. "Where are you?"

"Nevermind that. Why have you got my phone?" In the background, Xani could hear mall sounds: children crying, cash registers clanging, an Orange Julius machine churning.

"I needed it. It was an emergency." Xani's quickly made to catch up to LP who was following Sandy to the cinema entrance.

"Then you'd better ring for an ambulance, cause you're going to have another emergency if you don't give me that phone back pronto. Oh yeah, Dor, that shirt really suits you."

Xanatos scowled. "I'll return your phone when we get home. I have to go now- important business."

"Xani, I'm warning you. If you're doing something you shouldn't be…oh what the hell am I saying, of course you're doing something you shouldn't be. Just don't break that phone."

"Yes, ma'am," Darry was her mother's daughter after all.

"And stop saying the 'H' word!"

Xani hung up on her and took a deep breath. "Whoa."

~*~

"How did I manage to spend $50 on tickets, popcorn and Cokes?" Xani grumbled as he and LP sat down in the cinema. Sandy sat as close to Xani on his other side as was humanly possible.

She and ten of her nearest and dearest "oohed" and "ahhed" over the longhaired Jedi and his New Romantic friend.

~*~

"So, how many times has my mother mentioned kids?" Peter asked. He and Cic were tinkering with Mr Willis' old MG in the spacious garage and steadily getting through a case of beer.

"A lot," Cic said, wiping his oily hands on his jeans and leaning back against the low car. "Darry told me tew expect it."

"Don't let it bother you. Mom just loves the idea of grandchildren. I don't think Darry and I turned out exactly as she'd planned." Peter re-tuned the old radio, which sat on the cluttered workbench.

"I know your mother doesn't apprewve of me…" Cic said in between gulps of Budweiser.

"Are you kidding? She adores you! She's always talking about you. She may sound like she's disappointed or confused, but I think that's just her natural state. I know she thinks you're wonderful. Believe me; she wouldn't be insisting on you're having kids if she didn't like you."

"Really?"

"Of course. I think she was worried Darry was gonna end up with someone like that Xanatos person." Peter laughed.

"She almost did," Cic growled.

"Well, that might have been interesting, but personally, I think he and his two friends make a better…couple." Peter said for want of a better phrase.

~*~

"You'll need two rings, dear." Mrs Willis insisted. Dor couldn't help but agree.

~*~

(Skip this part, Dande)

"Are you ready?" Xani whispered to LP, who was slowly and delicately making his way through a box of Raisinettes.

"Ready for what?" LP asked, not taking his eyes from the screen.

"This." Xani turned and grabbed the Lavender Lord and stuffed his tongue and down LP's throat.

Raisinettes went everywhere.

~*~
Parting is such sweet sorrow
~*~

After the ten longest days of her life, Dorotea, watched Cic pack up her beloved car. It was considerably more crowded with all the shopping Darry and she had managed to acquire.

LP stood on the manicured lawn and inspected his nails. Darry and her family came out of the front door and walked to the car.

Sandy was nowhere to be seen.

After all the hugs and kisses were exchanged, the HSU residents got into the car and said their final goodbyes.

"Take care of my daughter, Cicero. And I think you know what I mean by that," Mrs Willis said.

"Um, I will," Cic promised hesitantly.

"Oy veh," Darry moaned from the front seat.

"It was very nice to meet you Mr Xanatos and Mr Pelham," Mrs Willis continued.

"Lord Pe-"

"Can it," Dorotea instructed her EA.

"Nice meeting you too, ma'am," Xani obediently said. "Please say goodbye to your daughter for me," he instructed Peter and Sharon.

"I will," Sharon promised. "I don't know where she is right now."

"Probably lying on a psychiatrist's couch somewhere," Darry said. Dor elbowed her in the ribs.

"I'll miss you all!" called Mrs Willis as the car started itself, eager to be on the road. "CALL ME!"

The car screeched away from the curb as Darry waved one last time. "Faster," she instructed to Volvo.

Xani dug around the rear of the car to find one of the many bags of food Mrs Willis had loaded them up with. "So when are you guys gonna have a baby, then," he asked Cic nonchalantly.

Cic leaned over the seat and attempted to punch Xani in the jaw. Xani defended himself with a Tupperware dish full of potato kugel.

Darry turned around and threw an envelope at the Jedi. He wasn't as fast with the Tupperware this time and the envelope hit him in the face.

"What's this?" Xani demanded to know.

"Love letter," Darry leaned back in the seat and smiled at Cic, who started to run his fingers through her hair.

"Don't!" Dorotea commanded. The Servant quickly sat back.

"Oh no," Xani moaned.

LP took the letter from Xani and read aloud:

"Dear Xani,

I just wanted you to know that my friends think that you and that Pelham guy making out at the movies was the coolest thing we've ever seen. All we do is talk about it now, and I can't wait to get back to Houston and tell my class that we got to sit right next to you.

Also, I can't wait till I can apply to HSU, cause I want to take classes with both of you and do everything with you and maybe you'll kiss me that way sometime.

Anyway, I wanted you to know that I'll love you forever and I hope you'll write to me, 'cause I'm going write to you all the time and come visit Darry as soon as I can.

Love,
Sandra W
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

P.S. Your scar is sexier than my uncle's are."

"Oh, crikey." Dorotea couldn't decide to be pissed off or laugh her head off.

"Pelham, I command you to lose her application or any request for a campus visit." Xani was adamant.

"I couldn't do that. It's unprofessional. Besides, Brenda would be angry if she found out."

"Fuck Brenda!" Xani yelled.

"You'd better not," Dor warned. "And would you two STOP THAT!"

"I can't! We haven't touched each other in almost ten days!" The Nurse yelled at the Librarian.

"Unlike tew other people in this car…"

"Roman, I'm warning you, I'm going to kill you if you mention this to anyone."

"Whew am I going tew tell? Aside from my boss, his lady, her dog and about a thousand other people."

"Oh, if you think I'm gonna be quiet about you snogging LP at the pictures cause you were trying to encourage an adolescent girl, you're very mistaken." Darry was almost about to climb over the front seat.

"I wasn't trying to encourage her!"

"That's not what you told me, lover," LP said quietly.

"WHAT?" Dor joined Darry in vaulting into the rear of the car.

"Xanatos quite fancied the idea of having a little admirer. Or rather, ten little admirers," Pelham helped Dor into his lap.

Darry gave up climbing over Dor's Doc Martens and began pulling Cic into the front seat.

"That's bullshit and you know it!" Xanatos' crystal blue eyes grew a shade darker from his glaring.

"It better be!" Dorotea wasn't going to settle in LP's lap unless she could get her hands around Xani's throat from there.

Unfortunately Dor's mood wasn't helping the car much. It shuddered and revved its engine a lot, worried about its mistress and affronted by the activity in the front.

~*~

"Oh, this is riiiich…" Julia's voice cooed as she and her sister sat huddled around the receiver. "And you're sure they won't notice?"

"Are you kidding?" Sere assured her. "Half the buttons and dials on the dash don't work at all and I put another mic on the back of the rear view mirror. You know it's not been on the windshield in years, so it's kinda roving. And don't forget the one in Dor's boot heel."

THWAP, THWAP, THWAP, THWAP.

"Shit, something's banging against the steering column." Julia observed.

"Doesn't matter, the ones in the back are working okay. You can hear the fighting really clearly." Sere adjusted the volume, as Julia began to take notes for Commo's next news update.

~*~

"Xani, if you don't stop chasing everything in a skirt, I'm gonna cut off your wanger and feed it to Draco!" In response to Dor's outburst, the car sped up.

"Does that include Cicero in a kilt?" LP asked calmly. Dor squirmed in his arms, trying to reach any part of Xani.

"Oh, BLECH!" Xani spat potato kugel all over Dor and LP. "I'd rather shag the Dean."

"You DID shag the Dean!" Darry's voice reminded him from the front of the car.

"Did I?" Xani raised a perfect eyebrow.

"AAARGGGH!" Dor screamed at him. The car veered to the right. Then she looked toward the front seat at what the Nurse and the Servant were doing. "AAARRRGHHHHH!" The car veered to the left.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!"

"Goodness, Dorotea," Pelham tried to soothe. "It's not that bad, is it?" He looked far less stylish with bits of potato hanging off him.

"That wasn't me, you nitwit." Dor wiped kugel off her face.

Blue and red lights flashed through the windows.

"Oh shit…"

~*~

"COMMO! LIVE REPORT! NOW!

~*~

The End