�old and new.�
win her over to her sickness, teach her
helplessness... quite nicely. no dreams
tonight child.. only thoughts of waking
and dying. simple, never pure [without Him]
-five thirtyone zero two
it goes dark, it goes darker still
i long for something forever. wondered.
destined to these changing sands
to wash over and wash away
for years your print is in my mind, to see a clear
visual of your forever eyes. i no longer see
my heart is heavy and searching. i do not realize
or hold what i wish for that is yours. i say be
content, but i... cannot be.
voices stop. please, plead yes you are too
music, silence, rather than this flood, i can
not change this taking over, i refuse how it
leaves so quickly and finds scarce to replace
if, none at all
yes, i am settled in this, please say
nothing, draw no attention, i prefer
your silence. yet it is felt, i adore
this difference, i hate the difference.
i hate and cry, the colours you do not see
there are traces of ghosts and demons in my days and nights
making home in this world and chapter, He has given me to myself
comfort in vain
i felt something wrong, but it is a
fear, and i search its message to
conclude if it is valid, wisdom.s
warning....
The dragon has learnt to bite
watch me dig and remove my flesh, you may
wonder why i count your blood as nothing [i do not]
i am numb and bitter to its flowing, mine
knows how to drain as well. not really what
was wanted.. these stale reactions. hmm so what?
look at me dear child.. vacant eyes filling
with fresh water. [words refuse what the heart is saying]
... we use to be... so close together
a kiss was because i loved you... and
moments draw near as rest and peace
but years flicker out as they so choose
simple things go unnoticed, or more
truly, slow 'forgottenness' the command
of the heart like a bed chamber
we become disorder, when left to our own
accord... or even, just less watchful. so
drained faith and hope... along with love
muddled and with dirt... and a kiss becomes
just a touch of the lips.
[a bittersweet reminder of the past]
been sick for years, angels died, the war
has bloodied us all.
[the war is always longer than you had imagined.]
you are full of gimmics, words to convince and move. complains
are you confused as to what day it is... [live now]
perfectly bad, but words said with certain
fondness and delicate smile
if to stare, to watch, this silent
looking back, the ones remembered
that have moved forward. a
silent hope for their keeping.
wishing to know again. but it is
not meant for this hour
He sees and loves, but He thirsts for more
a pleasant warning, i am never quite sure...
so the door was left alone. presumptions are..
always foolish to follow. smiles, yes, you
use to smile more than i, said simply, so how
do i express now the feeling it imposes
hmm.. i guess silence feels more natural, lest
i change more, but in so, i blind you, keep you here[as well]
taken words at face value, are they to be an
absolute, turning your heart away, even
if untrue [?] this is perfection, the
struggle of moment to moment.....
curious faults.
they said... many things of worth, that
my heart was too weak to consider...
but my mind held them all. [now they torment]
do you realize i am on the verge. [yes]
do you realize i see the look on your
face. i walked toward you, and what
i could not take, i ran away. there is
now limits in my heart as i can [not]
take and they forbid and govern
i feel and sense [too much], and the
doorway is ever ever wide. hmm...
simply, too much means nothing..
all you see now is strange. you see
in tones that [do not] exist, you
know, but you truly.. do not. you
shall refuse
still striving for perfection. still wanting
so much. things falling to place,
and the ache runs away and back....
[[no this is not for your warming, nor for
peace. prevention of breaking and exploding
of running from this spot. you have
taken forgranted my strength.]]
they might ask you for that hell of a word
yes, so there is evolution in my heart
we have become something that is untrusting
of course there is much i do not understand
when i have not been close to your heart, the
meanings do not jump out.
so now we see, now you see..... so often i just have to leave
it at that... either nothing or too much follows...
dear God! for the sake of my heart please please
remove this broken record, these needles and thorns
amidst my side and feet. i know not how to forget.
i do not hardly take this with grace
the memories slash my heart
everything becomes forgotten fast[the good]
i become what i hate
i forget the words spoken quietly
the ones that were true reflections
i rest in the agony because i have
no reason to do any different
i grieve what has not occurred
i wretch down to my knees
my pride is present, but i am ever
nothing, and yet still human
the wrongs have taken place [indeed]
the repentance has laid undone
i am flesh torn open waiting to be
eaten. always standing for you
to tear me down, sitting so you
can crush me. breathing so you
can suffocate me.
and all i have is You
but where... are You?
.
there is too much blood that
litters these pale coverings
i am scolded for my reactions
[and see the loved ones?]
i am punished for my hurt
may i become like You, can
You take what causes this...
to boil our skin, to force
words/depth from my soul.
take this anger, this hate
this bitterness, this lacking
take this sin, take this need
this memory.... take.....
lest i die, [...nothing can
save me aside for You...]
i am scared for my path
for my life and heart
she will get to you before i will, yes need,
always for need one or the other
[i realize too that you need, but i could never ask if
you need me... (how could you...)]
my patience is always tried and forsaken
harp cutting strings, unraveling their words
repulsive shields to any and all hands
light growing forth and falling as darkness
sounds crippling to ice damaged ears
children with far much understanding
tangled windows and door opening to be closed
bricked and painted, broken or overlooked
dates to kill you, numbers making smiles
flickering through and through
he wandered off to make
love to a memory, where
words are stilted and
meaningless. to love with
out love. a kind discontent
these words are not for you, but they will be
given through 'honesty' regardless of
how one might feel. and one will continue to be
'stupid' about things [though one will never
consider themselves of being stupid]
as long as you are happy...
that is pretty much all that matters
but i can no longer fill those shoes
so i try and not be jealous, bothered
competing, cold[there are walls to build]
and if you should discover, you don't really love her........
so easy to give
never the right way to give, because it always
seems ever ever empty. but here.. nothing
is again ever enough.
brand name lies, designer kisses, the mirror
is too large
forsaken, the reasons escape and love gave its notice
it says this time it is not returning
waiting, laid waste, this day is past being remembered
i am your right hand, your left foot
your smiles and your ever present destruction
i drink from the same ache and pain
devotion i hold under wind and stares
to be kept, i hold you, to be kept
winter always felt the same, until i saw
yes, this world can be different
but i hold, i love, i keep, to be kept
i mark out all but the tender promise
all the rest for their eyes are lies
raw, and complete, to be kept, to be kept
nonfiction
a message, a witness, a truth [an ache]....