Joe Bartels was born September 2nd, 1968 at Judas Priest Hospital in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan. Unfortunately, he was not the only Bartels born that day. John "the Gorilla" came along, tugging at his brother's penis. Literally, as they were born as Siamese twins joined at the penis. Luckily, the attachment was very, very small and the surgery was quick. The only remaining reminder is a small scar, a slight curvature, and very narrow girth from the surgery where the doctors were forced to cut right down the middle to separate the brothers.
Joe's early years were quite uneventful. Joe had this to say. "The thing I remember most is the sayings my dad used to have. Things like, "It ain't natural for a man's feet to leave the ground." And "Keep eatin". The Ethiopians could attack at any minute. And my personal favorite that I still try to adhere to, "If you tell enough sexual stories about yourself, people will start to think you're cool." Wow. Deep stuff isn't it? My dad taught me everything I know. Except that thing with Wist" But that's much later in the story.
After a couple uneventful years in Canada, the socialist government of Canada decided that the Bartels had to leave because they didn't play hockey and ate everyone else's food while they were playing hockey. So Mr. Bartels asked the boys where they wanted to move. John said, "Minneapolis, MN. Home of X-Pac, the world's suckiest wrestler. I wanna grow up and be sucky just like him." Joe said, "Roseville, MI. So I can be near my favorite team, the Detroit Tigers." Well, Mr. Bartels knew that he couldn't make both of his sons happy. He also knew that John had gotten a little more than his share of blood in the womb (the same way that John continues to eat more than his share of food) and Joe was a little slow. So Mr. Bartels made a plan to move to Roseville, MN so that John would be happy and they could try to trick Joe into being happy. This plan worked for many years until Joe started to get suspicious when his cooking, knitting, and fashion magazines never showed up to his Michigan address. He finally figured it out when he got his Minnesota driver's license.
During high school, did his best to make contributions to the Red Raider teams while involved with, the Chess Club (lead bishop polisher), Shop Class ("Nuts about Nuts" award), Golf Team (Fastest Ball Washer), FFA (loudest pig squeal, first male winner ever), and Sex Ed (best reproduction of a VD). He also helped his father with the wrestling team where he enjoyed washing the mats and handing out towels in the shower room. He graduated in un-remarkable fashion and was voted his class?s "Biggest Gomer" and "Guy I never want my kids to meet."
Upon graduation, Joe decided he wanted to leave Minnesota and moved to what he felt was his home state, Michigan. The border police on the Mackinac Bridge would not allow him to move south of the bridge because of his many years in Minnesota, so he was forced to go to school at Michigan Tech University in Houghton, MI. He attended many years of classes and was no where near graduating, but he was older than several professors and they wanted to get rid of him so they gave Joe his diploma. There was also a strange incident with the Houghton Jr. High boys swimming team, but that is still under investigation to this day.
After "graduation", Joe could not find a job, so he begged his brother John to get him a job at his company. So John got Joe a job as a tampon applications engineer for InButt Systems where it is apparently his job to test the ability of tampons to plug your butt while you sit on your ass and do nothing. Today, Joe has fulfilled a lifelong dream of living in Michigan by moving to Grand Rapids. No one knows how he made it in, but it's kind of like Cubans escaping to Florida. Once they're in, we can't send them back. Joe's hobbies include fudge packing, spelunking, flag pole climbing, tent erecting, and he is still nuts about nuts.
Submitted by LL Cool K.