Full House: The Grocery Store
Danny Tanner woke up abruptly with a massive hangover, vomited into his bedside
sick-bucket and wiped his mouth with the bedsheets. "FUCKING SHIT," he exclaims after
pressing his lips to an empty plastic 1.75L bottle of Jenkins 90 Proof Vodka, "Out again
already, goddamnit!", chucking the empty plastic jug to the floor. Danny Tanner staggers
his way down the hall banging on his children's doors as he passes, yelling "Get your asses
out of bed! We need to take a little trip to the store for daddy because none of you little
bastards is old enough to buy alcohol! I expect that you'll all have your collars on by the
time I'm done taking a shit! Make sure you fasten Michelle's tighter this time!"
The Live Studio Audience whoops in approval. Danny slams the bathroom door shut.
Shortly afterwards, distinguishable gas farts and watery diarrhea noises are heard from
the surrounding rooms, accompanied by grunts, moans and further vomiting.
D.J. was aware of the consequences of not using Danny's allotted time window, so
promptly put on her dog collar with the spikes pointing toward the neck, as this was the
only way Danny would accept them to be worn (with fear of beating mind you). It was always
the opinion of D.J. that mild stabbing pains around the neck were preferable to a savage
beating in addition to the stabbing pains later. Being the eldest forced her into the
position of being "responsible" for the younger siblings and thusly would endure the
majority of all beatings. Steph knew this and purposefully made D.J. chase her around the
living room yelling "You can't catch me! You can't catch me!" Upon the third lap, D.J.
heard a loud THUD. Michelle, previously perched on the back of the sofa, falls face
first onto the floor. Although simply shocked by the fall, the small mongoloid only begins
crying as she notices the warm blood on her finger after some nosepicking. The Live Studio
Audience sniggers. Steph finally decides to stop being a little shit and
submitts. D.J. puts on Steph and Michelle's collars and proceeds to attach the leashes.
After gaining some composure, Danny bursts out of the bathroom and heads for Joey's
bedroom. Before knocking on the door, he notices grunting coming out of the room. "Don't
try to insert an un-lubed summer sausage of that size into me, Joey! It'll rip!" Jesse's
toned-down voice could be heard through Joey's door. Danny yells "Uhm, I'm going out to
get some booze, you guys want any?" Footsteps shuffle and magazine pages are thumbed
through for several seconds before Joey replies, "No, we're cool. Jesse's
just....helping me...clean ... up. See you later." Danny makes his way back downstairs
while listening to more shuffling and manly giggling.
"Well well," he condescendingly remarks "so you finally learned." Danny takes the three
leashes and lightly yanks them along towards The Van. "Get yer asses in." Danny opens
the The Van's rear door, exposing the three lettuce crates of which he had created
makeshift child seats, tethered with nylon rope. "Seatbelts please. Thank you!" The girls
hadn't yet fastened their "safety belts," but would need to, with Danny's erratic driving
skills.
Danny Tanner peels out of the driveway, nearly hitting D.J.'s young friend Kimberly
Gibbler. The Live Studio Audience cheers with laughter as Kimmy is caught off guard
and crashes her banana-seat bicycle into the Tanner mailbox. Laugh Track plays as
Danny observes the incident through his rear-view mirror and remarks, "I'll deal with that
shit when we get home." Danny darts down the interstate, passing cars in both the fast and
slow lanes, taking the second exit. Danny disregards the offramp stop sign and tears-ass
into the Safeway parking lot's primo handicapped parking space. Danny hops out of
The Van, opens the rear doors, takes his daughters' leashes and marches them into the
supermarket's seafood section. Danny lifts Michelle into a freezer "playpen" bin and
instructs his two older daughters to "Keep an eye on this one, or else." Danny leaves the
store in a rush, exiting to the right toward Jake's Liquor Store.
Steph opens a plastic container of imitation crab meat and dumps the liquid-solid
mixture onto her younger sister's head. Michelle shivers as she grips the frost-laden freezer
bin's outer edges, trying to hoist herself up a bit to see what is happening in the store.
A young boy of Steph's age had escaped his mother's kiddie harness and peeked over the
opposite side of the bin, where Michelle and her sisters couldn't see him. Knowing that the
young child was mentally crippled, he, like the Live Studio Audience found it humorous
that tugging on the toddler's jumpsuit pajamas, causing her to fall over. Michelle restores
herself to the former standing position on side of the freezer, but is tugged down a second
time with greater force and begins to cry. The young boy runs away chuckling. Steph hears this
and yells "Hey I know you! You're Bobby Sherman! Wait up!" Steph darts off as onlookers
watch the four-child spectacle happen around the freezer bin. D.J. yells "Hey! Get back
here!" and chases after the middle child, Live Studio Audience laughing hysterically. The shoppers
quickly lose interest and don't notice that Michelle managed to climb out of the freezer
bin. Michelle squanders her newly-gained freedom for several minutes by picking up dust-bunnies
from under the massive refrigerator with her cold numb hands and tasting them.
Danny soon returns from the liquor store, three shopping bags in hand.
"Oh what the FUCK!" he roars as he sees Michelle alone, sitting beside the receptacle.
He heaves his daughter back into the frosty cell and goes on a hunting trip for his other
children. Not half a minute elapses before he hears the pitter-patter of two sets of
feet. He spotts D.J. chasing her sister down the T.V. dinner aisle and quickly catches up,
kicking D.J. square in the back as she grasps Steph's leash. Both girls fall to the floor
hard as D.J. impacts with Steph. "You'll suffer the penalties when we get home, but you need
to retrieve your sister RIGHT FUCKING NOW and get in The Van before I beat you right
here!" The two girls make their way back to the freezer and struggle to get the little
tard out and are finally hauled off by their leashes toward The Van.
After crumbling and chucking the handicapped parking ticket that was under his
windshield wiper, Danny drives home at a slower speed, obeying all traffic laws for the most
part. He is very angry and begins to decide on a punishment for his two oldest daughters.
The show's scene-switching saxophone music plays as it fades into the Tanner residence
backyard, where Danny is supporting the lid of a metal box. "Your punishment, eighteen
hours in the hot box! Your whore of a mother would be ashamed if she were still alive." he
grins maniacally as the girls are shoved into the homemade black spray-painted hotbox in the
afternoon sun.
Danny, being a reasonable father, walks inside the home with Michelle on his left shoulder. He
offloads his youngest into her crib, and returns with a bottle containing an equal measure
combination of Gordon's Gin and whole milk. The Live Studio Audience "Awwwws" as the
child dozes off from the alcohol she consumes, and the scene fades into credits.