Full House: Weekend Bonanza
D.J. Tanner woke up at 9 A.M. It was Saturday and she did not have
to go to school. She hopped out of her bed and knocked on her
father Danny's door. "Dad! I need you to unlock the padlock on
my jumpsuit jammies! I have to go pee!" The audience laugh
track chimes in. Danny, half drunk and half hungover after a
night of heavy drinking and unsuccessful hookup attempts with
skanky 45 year old singles at the local 40's and up bar, yelled
back at his daughter "Shut the fuck up you stupid little cunt!
You're worse than the voice dubs I do for those fucking home
videos! Piss off!" D.J. really needed to relieve herself. For
fear of being beaten by her surly hungover father, she crawled
back into bed crying, and pissed herself. She cried herself
back to sleep.
Around 10AM D.J. was awoken suddenly, this time with her
little sister Steph squatting over her face and letting out a
quick squeaker. "Hey ya little bedwetter! You peed your bed you
little bedwetter! I'm eight years old and I don't piss the bed
you fucking bedwetter! I'm telling!" Steph dove off of D.J.'s
bed and ran for "Uncle Joey's" room. The studio audience laugh
track plays again. Although "Uncle Joey" has no true relation
to Danny or the Tanner kids, Danny lets his bisexual friends
"Joey" and "Jesse" crash at his place. Several minutes later,
Uncle Joey walks into the room of a trembling D.J.'. "What's the
matter? Have you wet yourself? Let's have a look." Uncle Joey, a
convicted child molester on parole and failed stand-up
comedian rolled D.J. onto her stomach and groped around her
buttock and privates area. "Looks to be mostly dry. Hey you
little bitch, why are you coming on to me? Cut-It-Out." Uncle
Joey says simultaneously doing a ridiculous fluid scissors-point
-backwards-thumb motion with his right handd. The studio
audience laugh track plays again as Uncle Joey leaves the room
with a semi.
A loud crashing noise is coming from upstairs! I sounds as if
Uncle Jesse is trying to play drums again! Once again the laugh
track sounds, for this is a regular gag on the show. Uncle
Jesse is a bisexual washed-up 80's hair band singer who never
really learned how to play an instrument. His minor success in
1985 with the Bronze-record hit "Man What A Man" was mostly
pantomime for concerts and the little-known music video shown
one time on MTV at 2AM. A mediocre-at-best singer, Uncle Jesse
had his way with Joey's asshole during the night, was nude from
the waist down and still had shit dried on his dick. D.J. ran
upstairs to giggle at the talentless hack that is her non-
related Greek uncle. "Uncle Jesse, you're funny!" D.J.
remarked, half hiding behind the door jam. "Go check on your
little sister, she probably needs to be changed," Uncle Jesse
says as he hammers out a really bad rimshot. The laugh track
sounds, indicating the long-running joke where D.J. is forced
to change a shitty diaper each episode. "But Uncle Jesse, Steph
doesn't wear diapers," she replied. Uncle Jesse, with his
Mediterranean temper fuming yells back at D.J. "You know I'm
talking about your littlest sister you fucking shit! Go take
care of her!" Uncle Jesse bangs out several poorly executed
drum solos as the laugh track plays.
D.J., always stuck with the responsibility of caring for her
little sister was growing tired of her, so ignored Jesse's
suggestion and went to have some cereal and watch cartoons. The
refrigerator was completely empty, so she finally went back
upstairs to check on her little sister. Little Michelle was
romping around in general squalor, the usual condition of her
crib. Shit was smeared over most of the mattress, but the
hapless little tyke was usually standing, looking out through
the bars like a prisoner yelling "Ous Cream! Ous Cream!" D.J.
thought to herself, "Oh yeah, you want Ice Cream, huh?" as she
began changing the little down syndrome toddler's diaper. She
dumped the child's feces and urine from the diaper into an ice
cream bowl and replaced the filthy diaper. D.J. shoved the
bowl of crap at her young sister and screamed "Ous Cream!!!
OUS CREAM!" The studio audience let out a collective "aaaaaaw,"
expressing how cute it was. The little tard sampled a few
tastes, but began having a violent asthma attack.
D.J. ran to her father's door and screamed "Dad! Michelle is
having an asthma attack again!" Danny stormed to his locked
bedroom door still nursing the hangover, unlocked the door and
backhanded his eldest daughter. "You know what the fuck to do!
Get her on your bike and take her to the VA hospital! I'm going
back to sleep and don't you fucking let her die." Danny yelled
as he went back to bed.
The episode concludes with D.J. riding off into the San
Fransisco noon with her sister sprawled across the banana seat,
still in her soiled pajamas, studio audience clapping as the
closing credits roll by with the show's theme music.