Humerous

We pretend to work because they pretend to pay us.

 If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why is a person who plays the piano call a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposite things?
If horrific mean to make horrible, doesn't terrific mean to make terrible?
Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?
"I am." is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do." is the longest sentence?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen are defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as 4's?
Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

Avoiding collision
This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

True Definition of Old
Red Buttons, appearing on Dennis Miller's Show, announced he was 80 years old but that 80 is not "old." Red explained:
"Old" is when your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"Old" is when the porn you bring home is "Debby Does Dialysis."
"Old" is when your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.
"Old" is when a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest your car.
"Old" is when you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.
"Old" is when your wife says "let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "honey, I can't do both!"

Men To Women
Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
Only wearing your new lingerie once does not send the message that you need more. It tells us lingerie is a bad investment.
Please don't drive when you're not driving.
Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
What do you mean, 'leering?' She's obstructing my view.
When I'm turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, saying 'Oh, this is our exit, Honey' is not really necessary.
The temperature in the cave will be my responsibility. It will be slightly to moderately cooler than you want it.
SportsCenter starts at 10:00 P.M. and runs one hour. This is an excellent time for you to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer, or talk to your sister.
Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?
If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?
You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.
It's in neither your interest nor ours to take the Cosmo quiz together!

Seminars For Women
(prepared and presented by males)
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits.
4. Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.
7. Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.
12.Introduction to Parking.
13. Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.
14. Water retention: Fact or Fat.
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.
17. Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.
19. PMS: Your Problem... Not His.
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.
21. Sex: It's For Married Couples Too.
22. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.
24. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both.
25. Oil and Petrol: Your Car Needs Both. (In case it was missed the first time
26. Learning to Go in Public Restrooms.
27. "Do These Jeans Make My Butt Look Big?" -Why Men Lie.
28. TV Remotes: For Men Only.

Cards You'll Never See In Hallmark
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:............. What was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day!............. Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful you............ have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love......... After having met you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life........... I never believed in Hell until I met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am....... that you're not here to ruin it for me."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!.......... I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Before you go,......... I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married............ but not to you."
"You look great for your age....... Almost Lifelike!"
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me......... Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend....... So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time........... What do you say we call it quits?"
"I'm so miserable without you.................. It's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy............... Did you ever find out who the father was?"
"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

Great lines from job evaluations:
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund. 25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean
. 28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she glared at him and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the pool man and your brother."

Chinese proverbs:
1. "Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead toundoing of fly."
2. "Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
3. "Man who run in front of car get tired"
4. "Man who run behind car get exhausted"
5. "Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
6. "Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man givewife upright organ."
7. "Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
8. "Man with one chopstick go hungry."
9. "Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
10. "Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
11. "Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
12. "Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
13. "War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
14. "Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
15. "Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
16. "Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
17. "Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
18. "It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
19. "Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
20. "Man who sit on tack get point!"
21. "Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
22. "Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
23. "He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
24. "Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
25. "Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion."
26. "Crowded elevator smells different to midget."

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