�Hi there� replied the weapon. THE WEAPON. NOT WHOEVER WAS HOLDING THE THING. It was then that Spatula Chimp noticed that this was no ordinary sword. This was not your grandpa�s skinny-ass sword that he got in the marines. It�s not your sword either. It had arms and legs, and could think for itself. You might say that it was alive. Pssh. You probably would. It had a face, not unlike that of a river otter. The eyes, nose, and mouth however, were distinctively human. In one hand it held a cup of water, and around its neck hung a faded red cape. In every other way though, it�s a pretty run of the mill sword. If by pretty run of the mill sword, I mean GIANT POWERFUL MAGIC DEATH MACHINE. ..WHICH I DO!
�I am Excalibur!� said the sword. �Please free me from this dead lady�s grasp!� Spats was happy to oblige, but as he got within spitting distance, the sword SPAT on him! Spatula Chimp wiped away the loog, and then rinsed off his spatulas in the swamp. Then Excalibur threw knives at him! Spatula Chimp dodged them and then jumped high into the air. Spatula Chimp landed on a branch high above the swamp, well out of spitting distance. He had only four minutes and fifty-nine seconds to come up with a plan to save his and your day. He looked around him, and saw a tiny door in the tree trunk at the end of the branch. He slowly crept towards it, carefully avoiding the sleeping tree people. He noticed a sign above the door reading Nancy�s Library and General Store. A tear of hope ran down his face. He entered the tree, and was delighted to discover that the business inside was exactly what the sign had said it would be. He bought some bombs, guns, pie-influenced cereal, and most importantly, a big sword.
�I�m ready darling!� shrieked Spatula Chimp. He kissed Nancy on the forehead and wiped a tear from her eye, all while trying to hold back his own tears. The sun had gone down, and when he walked back onto the tree branch, he could barely see anything from where he stood. All he could be sure of was that somewhere below lurked a mean sword, who did awful things for no reason. Spats realized that he would risk getting impaled by his enemy if he jumped blindly. Just as he was turning back to purchase a rope ladder or something, a glint of light caught his eye. He heard maniacal cackling from the other end of the tree branch. Spatula Chimp pulled out his sword and ran towards the laughter. (He held it with both spatulas, if you�re wondering how he can hold a sword. Smartass.) At the end of the branch stood Excalibur, with a defiant river otter smirk. Spatula Chimp shouted, �Prepare to die!� at the sword. But as he yelled it, the sword yelled something too.
Having only heard his own words, Spats yelled �What?�
The sword responded �I said, Prepare to die!�
�I said that too,� said Spatula Chimp introspectively. �Maybe we shouldn�t kill each other. I mean if we�re both thinking the same thing, maybe we should be friends.�
�Alright,� replied Excalibur. �Later.�
�Bye,� yelled Spatula Chimp. The sword jumped off of the branch, and disappeared into the fog. Spatula Chimp noticed that at the end of the branch where the sword had stood, there was another tree trunk -and another door.
Spatula Chimp slept standing up that night.