Three weeks later I found myself back to my normal weight and ready to go home. It was supposed to be a momentous occasion for me but I discovered I was not exactly happy about leaving. Mimi was here and over the six weeks that I'd been here living just a hall away from her, we grew extremely close. I wouldn't exactly say we were dating but we made out a couple of times. After I discovered her real age, we had a serious conversation about it and decided that it meant absolutely nothing to either of us. I was going to miss her.
I was really going to miss Andy. Sharing a room with a guy for six weeks could either make you hate him or love him and I loved Andy. He'd been very cool throughout this entire experience and he put up with me so he obviously had some control in him. He says he'd never be a Hanson fan but if we ever came to his town to tour he said he would go to the show, just to "check it out."
I felt really weird walking around in street clothes. It made me feel like an outcast because everyone else enjoyed their comfortable hospital pajamas, but this place put meat on my bones. I actually had meat on my bones! I wasn't at all used to it.
"Look at you, Mister I'm so sexy in my plain clothes," Mimi said from the doorway. I turned around, smiling.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. "I don't want you to get in trouble with Lenny again."
"No, it's okay. I talked to him and he made an exception as long as we keep the door open."
"You mean that rules out the goodbye sex, doesn't it?" She nodded. "Damn, and I was so looking forward to that." I slid my arms around her waist and pulled her against me.
"Don't worry, you weren't going to get any anyway," she said, laughing. I pouted. She rolled her eyes, her arms sliding around my neck. "No, I don't think so. You can pout all you like but the most you're going to get is a goodbye kiss."
"Can I get a pre-goodbye kiss?" I asked.
"All right," she relented. She stood on her toes and pecked me on the lips.
"Oh come on, Mimi..." She shook her head.
"You'll get the fireworks on your goodbye kiss and nothing until then."
"Please?" I asked, as I began to kiss her neck. She giggled and shied away. She didn't like it when I touched her neck because she was incredibly ticklish. I knew she'd relent if I kept this up, so as she shied away I just kept at it.
"Okay, okay! Gosh, Taylor, sometimes you're just so--" I cut her off as I put my mouth over hers. Just as things were getting good, Andy appeared at the doorway.
"Tay, your mom's here," he said.
"Is she standing right there?" I asked, not even opening my eyes.
"No."
"Then she can wait." I kissed Mimi again and I heard a soft giggle from her. At least, I thought it was from her.
"Well she's not standing here but your adorable little sister is," Andy continued. My eyes flew open and I pushed Mimi away. To my relief Andy had his hands over my sister's eyes.
"Christ, Andy, you could have said something," I said, walking over and scooping up my sister from the floor. She smiled and hugged me immediately.
"I thought this way was a lot more interesting on my part and a lot more embarrassing on yours," he said, laughing. "Don't worry, she didn't see anything."
"Hey Bubs, did you miss me?" I asked, shooting a look to Andy. "I missed you." "I missed you, Tay!" she said, giggling excitedly. Zoe always giggled excitedly. She was a generally excited and giggly person. "Who's that?" she asked, pointing to Mimi.
"That is Mimi," I said, walking over to her. "Mimi, this is my little sister Zoe."
"Hi Zoe," Mimi said.
"Hi!" Zoe replied and waved. "Taylor, she's pretty."
"Yes she is. She's very pretty." Mimi blushed, looking away. Lenny came by and tapped on the door. I turned around. "Yeah?"
"Time's a wasting. Let's go." He disappeared again.
"Gosh, they definitely make you feel at home here," I muttered, closing up my suitcase. "Let's go! Now! We need this bed for someone else!" I looked around. "Do I have everything?"
"Your guitar?" Mimi asked.
"No, I gave that to Eric."
"That was nice," she said. "At least he can entertain us while you're gone." I put Zoe down on the ground but kept a firm hold on her tiny hand. I knew if I didn't hold onto her she'd go around and create mischief. She was an angel on the outside, but she could be pure evil if no one was watching.
"Shall we?" I asked. I picked up my suitcase from the bed but Andy immediately took it from me and walked out of the room with it before I could object. I tugged on Zoe's hand. "Come on, Bubs." She turned around and trotted in front of me to the door, pulling my hand with her. "You too, Meems." As Zoe was about to turn around and yell at me for not moving, Mimi took my hand and we left the room that had been mine for the past six weeks.
My mother was standing in the front room with Samantha. Zoe squirmed out of my grip and ran over to her. I let go of Mimi's hand to give her a hug. I'd been here a month and a half and I hadn't seen or heard from my mother since I arrived.
"Honey, you're looking so much better," she said, and pulled away from me. She looked over my body. "You're looking more like my Taylor." She had been there five seconds and already embarrassed me in front of my roommate and the girl I currently had a "thing" with.
"Oh, Mom, this is Mimi and Andy, two very good friends of mine here. Andy was actually my roommate," I explained, introducing the two of them to her. "Meems, Andy, this is my mother."
"Pleasure to meet the both of you," my mother said, shaking both of their hands. "You're his roommate?" she asked Andy. He nodded. "I'm sorry. I'm really sorry they had to put you through that."
"Mom!" My mother laughed and apologized to me.
"I'm sorry, Taylor." She checked her watch. "Oh! We have to leave, honey, the plane takes off in just over an hour and it's a good twenty minutes to the airport." I rolled my eyes. In the millions of times I had to travel by plane, I had not been late once and this time was no exception.
"Okay, okay. Let me say goodbye." I turned to Andy first. "Okay, man, I guess you're going to have to learn to deal with a new roommate. What's that, three now? I think you're setting a record." He laughed. "Don't forget about me."
"I'd like to forget about you," he muttered, "you and your crap music keeping me up to all hours of the night." I shrugged. "But I know I won't. When you come back to town I'll stop by the show, you know, just to make sure you haven't lost your cool yet. I'll be there with the tomatoes if you act out of line, you know, just to mess everything up."
"I have two brothers to duck behind, I won't get hit."
"I'll do it when you're not paying attention," he said, smiling. "I'll miss you, kid."
"I'll miss you too, Andy." We awkwardly embraced. "Take care of Mimi and Eric for me, okay?" He nodded. I turned to Mimi. She bit her lip and looked away. "No, don't even think about doing this to me, okay? Don't make me feel bad for leaving."
"I'm trying."
"I'll call you when I get home, okay?" She nodded. I took her chin in my hand and turned her gaze back to me. She smiled as she looked into my eyes. "Take care of yourself, Meems."
"I hate that nickname," she said, "but it doesn't sound half bad coming from you." I glanced at my mother, who was trying hard not to pay attention but it wasn't working. She was looking away but I could tell that she was lingering onto every word I said. I looked at Andy, who reached over and covered Zoe's eyes. I turned away and pulled Mimi against me. "I'll miss you."
"I'll be around." She sighed but smiled at me. I smiled back and pressed my lips against hers. She wasn't kidding when she said she'd give me fireworks and it was torture to pull away but I didn't want to miss my flight. "See you soon." She nodded, letting go of me and standing near Andy. He put his arm around her.
"We'll take care of her, don't worry. She's only got a few days left anyway." Zoe put her hand in mine as we headed out the door. I turned back to wave at them. The last thing I saw was Mimi bite on her closed fist and Andy turn to lead her away. My mother led me out to the car she had waiting.
"Didn't you have a guitar with you?" Mom asked, turning to me before I got in the car. I gave her a confused look. "I have this vivid memory of you insisting that you have a guitar before you came here." I shrugged, smiling to myself.
"Nope, no guitar."
"How did you manage six weeks without a guitar? Or a piano? I know you, Taylor, and you can't go for very long without a musical instrument to play," she said. I got into the passenger's side of the car and she got behind the wheel.
"I kept busy."
"I see that. What's her name? Mimi?" I rolled my eyes. "She seems like a very nice girl."
"She is. Everybody was really nice, Andy's a cool roommate, and the food wasn't half bad once I got used to how much of it there was. I'm just happy to get outdoors again, I don't think I stepped foot outside that building once in the past month and a half."
"Oh, honey, that's not good. What, were you not allowed outside or something?"
"No, its just there isn't much you can do outside. They really limited the physical activity you could do because most of the kids there had problems with over-exercising."
"Well did you have a nice time? I hope it wasn't too bad."
"No, it was definitely something worth remembering." I smiled to her and she pulled out of the parking lot. I glanced at Zoe in the backseat and she just smiled back at me. I thought of something. "Mom?" She looked over. "How is Zac?"
My mother didn't say anything.
Taylor's homecoming was rather bittersweet for me. For one thing, I didn't even know that Mom had left in the morning for California to go pick him up from the clinic until she came home and Taylor knocked on my door. I hadn't come out of my room the entire day; I spent my time lying on my bed and staring at the wall for hours at a time. I did some coke earlier, ate a few Twinkies when I got hungry, then flopped back on the bed and wallowed in my own self-pity.
My new psychiatrist was another man, younger than Dr. Russo. His name was Dr. Webber, he was in his mid-thirties and overall he was a pretty likable, fun guy. He cracked a few jokes at my expense, which only resulted in me putting up my walls again. We had three sessions. The first one I didn't say a word to him, the second one I didn't say anything until ten minutes before the session ended where I yelled at him and he sent me home five minutes early. I couldn't even say what happened in the last session; I was so high I didn't even remember.
Taylor knocked on my door and peered inside, surprised to see me just sort of laying there, zoning. "I thought you'd take over the top bunk the moment I left," he said. I turned my head and looked at him.
"You're a substantial weight again. Congratulations. Now leave me alone."
"I don't think so. I have a phone call to make and since all the other rooms are occupied with people who would actually care, you are stuck having to listen to it."
"Bite me, Taylor."
"Okay." He picked up my arm and bit my hand.
"Ow! You freak. God, things were so much better around here when you were gone," I muttered, turning away and putting my pillow over my head.
"Shut up, Zac. Don't get all bitchy on me because Mom's trying to help you. You're the one doing this to yourself, you're the one who's sitting up here all fucking day in the dark and feeling sorry for yourself. Nobody else feels that way about you. You need to liven up and start working your ass off to get better because after Ike gets married, we're going back on tour and you will not be giving me the shit you were giving me before."
"Fuck you."
"No! Zac, I was in a fucking clinic for six weeks, trying my best to get better so I could come back here and be okay for the rest of the tour, so I could be happier! I worked my ass off to fight this thing and I wouldn't have been able to do it if I didn't keep thinking of how miserable everything would have been if I didn't. Don't make me think that what I did was in vain."
"Well it was. I don't know what the hell you want from me but this is the way I am and this is the way I'll always be! I'm not getting help because those damn doctors don't know what they're talking about. Trying to get me to talk about how I feel when I don't even want to be there! I'm perfectly fine lying around here in the dark and if you don't like it, it's your own damn fault."
"Bullshit, Zac." Taylor hopped up onto the top bunk, grabbing the phone on the way. I heard him dial a set of numbers. I didn't want to hear whatever the hell he was going to be gabbing about to whomever he was going to be gabbing it to, so I got up and left the room. I looked around, hoping no one would stop me on my trek to the backyard, and luckily I managed to slip by everyone in the house.
I went out the back door, tapping my pocket for my cigarettes. Luckily enough, they were there. I plopped down on one of the lawn chairs and took out my pack, bringing a stick to my lips and lighting it with the lighter I'd already placed inside the pack. I tried not to smoke in my room any longer. I personally didn't like the smell of smoke, although I grew used to how it smelled on myself, and it wouldn't do well for all of my sisters, who were dreadfully allergic.
My solitude in the great outdoors of our contained backyard didn't last very long. I was halfway through my cigarette when the door opened and Zoe came out, holding her teddy bear. She appeared beside me and I had to switch my cigarette to my other hand and blow the smoke away from her so she wouldn't start coughing.
"What are you doing out here?" I snapped. She didn't understand my harsh tone.
"My teddy got broken," she said, showing me. One of the arms had a rip on it and there was a bit of fluff poking out.
"Well what the hell do you want me to do about it?" I asked.
"You said a bad word!" she squealed, putting a defiant hand on her hip and giving me a look.
"What are you going to do, Zoe?" I asked. "Tell Mom? A lot of good that's going to do." Her pissed off look was so innocent on her face it made me smile. I noticed my smile and quickly got rid of it. "Go back inside, kid, I don't want to get you all smoky. Stay out here too long you'll have to take a bath before you get sick."
"How come you're smoking?" she asked.
"Because I want to."
"Why?"
"I told you why. Now go back inside!" I yelled at her.
"No." Ah, Zoe's favorite word. She was still in her "no" phase.
"Fine." I put out my cigarette, picked her up and placed her back inside.
It was three o'clock in the morning and the house was asleep. I was the only one awake, as usual. I didn't sleep anymore. My dreams were usually nightmares, nightmares about living another day of my pointless existence. It'd gotten to the point where I did whatever I could to stay awake so nothing bothered me any longer.
I called Joy. I felt like shit and didn't have anybody to turn to, so I called her. My mother didn't know I have Joy's phone number. If she did know, she'd manipulate me into losing it. Joy seemed rather happy to hear from me, and it was good to hear that voice again. That voice puts me at ease. However, as soothing as it was to hear her speak to me again, as soon as I hung up the phone everything came back. It helped a little. Joy didn't seem at all bothered that I woke her and probably her daughter at two in the morning. She was great like that. I wish I were.
Unfortunately my low has gotten lower. When my parents discovered I wasn't sleeping right (this was before my first so-called suicide attempt), they handed me Taylor's old sleeping pills. He never took any and they figured I wasn't sleeping for the same reasons. They were wrong.
I sat on the floor of the bathroom, my bare feet against the frigid tiles, my back against he wall, and my gaze pointed up to the counter. I had a lit cigarette at my lips but I wasn't smoking it. It was just there. I was too transfixed on the bright orange vial of my death in the form of Taylor's full bottle of sleeping pills.
Would it be worth it if I killed myself? My family would miss me. My fans would miss me, but I never cared about my fans. They meant nothing to me and they were the reason I was in this mess to begin with. I never asked for this. I just liked music. I was a hyperactive child and I needed something as an outlet for my extra energy. Taylor and Ike wanted to do something with our talent--I just wanted to stay me, not what they wanted me to be.
It was hard being ten and having to live like I was thirty. Everyone around me was an adult and I was just trying to be a fucking kid. I didn't like it. I was still just a kid. That was hard to realize. I'm fifteen, still just a kid. I was about to start my second year of high school, yet there I was, looking back at my life like I was eighty-five and it was over. It was over.
The orange bottle made its way into my hands. No pain, no suffering, just a perfect end in sleep. No more nightmares. How do you go about downing an entire bottle of pills? There had to be twenty caplets in the bottle. Did you just crunch down the entire thing or did you take them one by one until they were all gone? I twisted off the cap and decided just to down them all at once. I didn't care if I choke and died, just as long as I died.
A thump at the door and curse drew my attention. "Who's in the bathroom at three in the morning?" Taylor asked.
Fuck.
Stumbling, I put the cap back on the bottle and stuffed it back in the medicine cabinet. I tossed my cigarette into the toilet and flushed it, making it seem as though I hadn't been in sitting there for hours. I opened the door and a half-asleep Taylor was standing on the other side.
"Oh it's you," he said. I could hear the disappointment in his voice to find that it wasn't somebody more interesting. "Have you been up all night?"
"No."
"It's just you're still in your clothes. You look awake. Are you not sleeping again? You should--"
"Shut the fuck up, Taylor. I'm not in the mood." Taylor made a face and went in the bathroom.
"Shit, Zac, were you smoking in here?"
"Shut the fuck up, Taylor," I repeated. Taylor groaned and shut the door behind him. I went back into the room we shared and took off my pants. I was wired and wouldn't sleep. I wasn't bothering anybody in the bathroom, but I wasn't even safe in there. All my privacy was lost. Taylor unknowingly foiled my suicide attempt. There was always the next time.