Since Ryan was born my life changed a hundred percent. I had not slept since Rose got home from the hospital and she immediately loaded so many other things on me. She told me she wanted to get married and get settled into a new house as soon as possible. Added to the responsibility of having a newborn baby, we had preparations for a wedding and a house to find. We both wanted to stay in Tulsa but neither of us wanted to be very close to our parents. She was thinking about a house on a large plot of land in the suburbs but I didn't want to be too far away from the city that it was an inconvenience. I asked around and there was a beautiful home not far away; the owners were rich yuppies looking to move to New York and wanted to close before our wedding date. We were going to check it out and leave Ryan with Rose's parents for the day. After we checked it out we were going to look for a wedding planner so we didn't have to do all the work. Rose had also been exercising like crazy and eating nothing but salad so she could get rid of all her baby weight before the wedding. The time she gave me was hardly enough time to start planning a wedding, much less take care of a child and buy a house as well. Rose was like a machine, though, who worked great under stress. I didn't.
I had Ryan with me when the doorbell rang. I was trying to get him to sleep (a lost cause) but he was screaming, as usual. I walked over to the door, taking a deep breath. I was exhausted. I opened the door and Taylor smiled at me. "Hey Taylor," I said.
"Problems?" he asked, taking Ryan from me. I closed the door behind him.
"Like you wouldn't believe. Rose decided she wants to get married in no more than four months and move into a house right away. She's going crazy with ideas and in the process leaving me with the baby."
"Well at least Rose isn't lying around the house anymore," he said, lightly shaking Ryan. "I love your baby. He's mine now. I'm taking him and you have no say in it." He turned away. "You're going to come live with me, Ryan."
"Sure, Taylor. I give you a day before you give him back," I said, crossing my arms. Taylor shrugged. He went into the living room and sat down. "So what are you doing here?" He hadn't made contact with me since Rose got home from the hospital so he must've had a reason.
"Well, for one I wanted to check on you, see how you were doing, and possibly offer my temporary services if you need it," he said, looking up at me. "And there was something else I needed to tell you." He looked back down at Ryan, rocking him in his arms. I noticed that Ryan had seemed to calm down since he'd been in Taylor's arms. I knew why; I was so edgy and tired he must have felt it and Taylor was so calm and collected that the baby finally felt at ease.
"What?"
"I--I have a problem with eating."
"What!" Taylor nodded, still not looking at me. "What, does everybody feel the need to let me in on their secrets all at once? I have enough problems already."
"No, I told Mom and Dad last night, Zac already knew, they're going to get me help for it...what do you mean? What else has been going on?" he asked.
"Just promise you won't get all Taylor on me, all right?" I said. He nodded. "When we were at the hospital, Zac pulled me aside and told me he was doing drugs." I saw Taylor's eyes widen and I knew he wanted to yell "I told you so" but he promised he wouldn't. "I haven't been able to talk to him about it because I've been too busy. I think he told me because he knew I'd be too busy to do anything about it."
"I knew it," he said, shaking his head. "What are we going to do about him? He's just so messed up."
"Let's just concentrate on you for a little while, okay? Zac is getting his help. Let's just concentrate on getting you help," I said. I took this worse than anything Zac told me. I suppose it was because I was closer to Taylor than I was to Zac. I hated that, but that was the way it'd always been. It was just the age thing. It would change once we were all older, but I felt light years ahead of Zac. I was getting married and I had a kid and Zac couldn't even drive a car.
"Well Zac was the one who made me tell," he said. I looked at Ryan who'd fallen asleep. Taylor smiled when he noticed this and we got up to put Ryan in his crib upstairs. "I wouldn't have said anything if he didn't make me. He found out a long time ago and at that time I knew about him cutting himself so I said if he told anybody about me, I'd tell about him. He kept it quiet until last night when he said I've gotten too skinny and it was starting to scare him."
"You're scaring me too, I just haven't had the chance to talk to you about it."
"I don't see myself the way you do, Ike. I see me the way I was a couple of months ago. I see all the negatives in the world. I'm just like Zac," he said. I opened the door to my room, which we stuck a crib in and called a nursery. Taylor laid Ryan down before he turned to me. "I'll get better, though. I heard about this rehabilitation center in California that's supposed to be really good."
"Are you really going to go to a rehab center?" I asked. We left the room and I shut the door behind us.
"I'm not going to get any better here, Ike. The quicker I get help the quicker I can get better. I think it's a six-week program so I'll be back in plenty of time for the wedding--that is if I leave soon. I don't know; Mom's taking care of it."
"Well, whatever's best for you. I want you here for the wedding but I want to see you better more." He nodded. "How long has this been going on?"
"Remember when I ripped my pants?"
"That long?" I asked. It seemed like an eternity since then. Really it'd only been a few months. From the stories I heard people go through this for years before they get help, but I personally didn't think Taylor would be alive if he went through this for years. "That's a long time."
"I know." He headed back down the stairs and we ran into Rose in the living room.
"Honey, I talked to the realtor and she said we're good to go tomorrow...Taylor? What are you doing here?" I saw Taylor smile as the two embraced.
"I stopped by to see how you two were holding up. I also had some news, maybe you should sit down," he said, moving her to the couch. He sat her down and sat down next to her.
"Is everything all right? Are you okay? What happened?"
"Rose, calm down. No, everything's not okay but it will be in a while." I could tell she began to suspect the worst. "I just told Ike and I wanted to tell you myself. I have an eating problem. That's why I'm so skinny." She gasped and hugged him. He took in a deep breath; I could see the tears in his eyes that he didn't want to surface. He'd remained very calm around me, but I made it easy for him because I didn't react like it was a life-altering ordeal. It was a life-altering ordeal.
"Oh, honey! Why? For how long?" she asked, holding him tightly.
"It's been a few months...I'm not really sure why," he said. Rose began to cry. "No, Rose, don't cry. You're going to make me cry and that isn't good."
"I'm sorry, I really am, I'm just still getting over this pregnancy thing," she explained, letting go of him and wiping her eyes. She took a few breaths to calm herself down. "Okay. I'm better. What are you going to do? Are you going to get help?"
"Yeah, I'm going to California. There's a clinic out there for people with eating disorders. It's for six weeks so I'll be back in time for the wedding..."
"We can push back the wedding a few weeks," Rose said. "I want you to be there."
"I think we need more time too," I told Rose. "Four months is not a lot of time to plan an entire wedding, especially with a new baby and trying to find a home."
"Then we'll push it back a week or two," Rose said. "I want you to be there, Taylor. You're really important to me and you need to be there to support us. I want to be here to support you." Taylor nodded.
"I'm sure I'll be back in plenty of time. If I know Mom, she'll have me in California as quickly as possible," he said, rolling his eyes. "But I guess it's all for the best. I'll get better physically and I'm hoping I'll get better mentally and I'll be great for the wedding. Not too great; I don't want to look prettier than the bride."
"You'll never be prettier than the bride," Rose said, laughing.
"Oh, I beg to differ." Well...at least he hadn't lost his self-confidence.
I got home from Joy's office a few days later and found Isaac over with Ryan. Taylor just left for California and I was relieved he was okay with getting treatment. He seemed happy to go to get better. Once he admitted his problem to other people he felt better about realizing he actually had a problem. I wanted him to be better and okay with himself. I couldn't handle seeing him waste himself away.
I hadn't seen Ike since the hospital, which was good because he didn't get to talk to me about the drugs, a habit I had yet to break. Apparently he and Rose were doing pretty well with the baby. They'd been busy looking at houses and preparing for the wedding. I wouldn't even know where to start but her parents were helping them through it all.
I felt so much better about myself. I still had to work on my stage fright, my drug habits, and my defensive behavior, but I felt better. I was happy when I was talking to Joy. Before her I wasn't happy at all and talking to people made me literally want to kill myself. I was getting far with her. If I kept seeing her I could be one hundred percent better. I was still cutting myself and doing drugs, but Joy said she was fine treating me as long as I needed it. Now that Taylor was in California I had six weeks before anything could happen with the band, so I planned on spending that time with Joy, getting better.
"Hey Ike," I said, walking over to the living room. Mom followed me in. "Oh you brought the kid." I sat down next to Ike and took Ryan in my arms.
"He has a name, you know," Isaac told me.
"I know." To his surprise, I began to play around with Ryan, making funny faces and odd noises to make the baby smile. He didn't do much, just kind of sat there and watched, probably thinking, "What the hell is up with this idiot?" I didn't really care; it was just a baby.
"So, honey, how'd it go with the realtor the other day?" she asked. "Did you get a good deal on the house?"
"Oh yeah, it's great. It's on this little lake and there's not that many other houses out there. We both loved it so we decided to take it. Rose had some problems with the design, so we'll redecorate as soon as we close next month."
"That's wonderful," Mom said, sitting down across from us. "How about with the wedding planner?"
"Rose is handling most of that, but we found a decent wedding planner. We agreed to push the wedding back a bit so Taylor has enough time to get settled back here before we involve him in anything. Rose is actually out right now with a few of her girlfriends to start looking for places to have the wedding."
"Ike, your kid is boring," I said. "He doesn't do anything."
"He's six days old, Zac. Of course he doesn't do anything. You've been around for the rest of them; you know they don't do anything this early. Did you expect mine to be any different?" he asked.
"I don't know. Zoe was a baby four years ago. I don't remember," I said. I looked down at Ryan. "Oh, he spit up. Okay, you can take him back now." I handed Ryan over to Isaac and got up. I turned to leave but I felt a tug on my hand.
"What is this?" he asked me. I turned around. He was looking at my hand. My nails were still painted black from when Joy decided she wanted to paint my nails. She actually put another coat on because they were starting to chip. "Black nail polish?"
"Joy did it," I explained.
"Who's Joy?"
"My psychiatrist."
"Your psychiatrist painted your nails black?" he asked. I nodded. "Isn't she supposed to be helping you? This doesn't look to me like she's helping you."
"Joy is doing a wonderful job," I said, getting defensive about her. I liked Joy a lot and saw her as a good friend of mine. "She's good at what she does and I won't have you saying otherwise. Now she wanted to paint my nails yellow but I wasn't going to let her so we settled for black. I don't think paint on my nails affects my mood in any way."
"I wanted to speak to you about that," Mom said. I looked over. "Can we talk in the kitchen?"
"Okay..." I followed my mother into the kitchen, leaving Isaac in the living room. I sat down at the kitchen table and Mom sat across from me, a smile on her face. "You're not going to yell at me because you think I'm wasting my time with Joy, are you?" I asked. "Just to have you know, while she was painting my nails we did talk."
"No, nothing like that honey," she said, reaching out and taking my hand. "I think you're making extraordinary progress with Dr. Guarisco. In fact, do you know why she wanted to speak with me after your session today?" I shook my head. "She wanted to tell me that you were doing very well and she was very happy with how far you've come since your first session. She's said you've overcome your opening up problem, at least with her."
"So?" I asked. I knew there had to be a point to this.
"Well, I know she didn't say this, but I've seen your improvement here at home and I've spoken with some of the doctors who looked after you at the hospital, and they are all satisfied with your improvement. You're doing great and personally I don't think you need to be seeing Dr. Guarisco anymore."
"What?!"
"You're doing well! You're being yourself around the house and you're finally joking around with us, you're not isolated anymore and you seem to be happy again. I don't think you need a psychiatrist anymore. I think you're better."
"Did Joy say that I don't need to come to sessions anymore?" I asked.
"Well no, not exactly, but she definitely implied it."
"Then if she didn't say it, she doesn't think I should stop coming. Just because I'm acting better around the family does not mean I am cured. We haven't even gotten to the root of the problem in the sessions yet and I do not feel any better in public than when I started. She has not given you a statement of release. You are not a psychiatrist, you do not make these decisions."
"Honey, I know why you don't want to stop seeing her. I know you have sort of a crush on her, but..."
"I do not have a crush on her!" I yelled. "I don't care about her; it's that I am not better. As much as you think I'm better, I'm not. Sure I'm acting better around the family but once Taylor comes home from California and we're ready to go back on the road I'm going to be back at square one because you didn't let me fix the problem."
"Listen, Zac, I am not going to pay that woman that much money for you to go there and get your nails painted. You obviously are not taking these sessions seriously and if you think you need more help, I'll get you more help, but it'll be with someone who's more affordable and not as attractive. You are not seeing her anymore. End of discussion." She stood up.
"Oh my God! I am not going to spend a month and a half trying to get to know another psychiatrist when I can just fix the problem with Joy. I'm comfortable around her, I feel okay talking to her. I trust her and it's not easy for me to trust people." I got up and followed my mother out of the kitchen. "I am not about to go to some other damn psychiatrist and if you make me so help me God I'll make your life a living hell."
"Fine. You won't see another psychiatrist. But you're not staying with Dr. Guarisco."
"Why not?" I asked. She turned around.
"Because I don't trust her. I don't think she's doing what she's supposed to be doing."
"So she's being comfortable and informal around me while we talk about our problems. It actually makes me more comfortable talking to her because she's being real and not a typical shrink with glasses and a notepad, asking me inane questions. I'm happy with her and if you don't remember, this is my problem. We're trying to make me not want to kill myself, we're trying to make me Mister Happy-Go-Lucky kind of guy, and the only way that will happen is if you let me keep seeing Joy!"
"No. I don't like her. I don't like the way you're blowing off these appointments when all I'm doing is trying to help you. You say you're comfortable around her? How come two weeks ago you refused to talk to her about yourself? You didn't trust her then." I didn't say anything. "Just what I thought. I'm not wasting my money any longer on this."
"It's my money anyway! I'm the one making it! When was the last time you brought a paycheck home for this family, huh? I'm the one working my ass off so this family can be well off, I'm the one who's paying for the psychiatrist and I'm the one who's putting food on the table and this expensive roof over our heads! Don't be patronizing me!"
"I'm doing nothing of the sort! And so what if you are making the money in this house, I am still your mother. Go to your room, the discussion is over! Starting next week you will be seeing a different psychiatrist."
"Oh no you don't--"
"Go!" she yelled at me, pointing to the stairs. I huffed and stormed away, tears in my eyes. I passed by Ike who didn't say anything but watched in disbelief. I ran up the stairs and slammed the door to my room, where I sunk to the floor and began to cry. Just when things were going good she had to go and ruin it all...