"Zac, at least say something," Joy pleaded with me. I smiled. I had a total of six sessions with Joy, twice a week, and I'd been blowing each of them. After the first session, I realized I told her way too much about myself so I decided I needed to do something about it. In the past four sessions, I spoke a lot, but I refused to answer any analysis-related questions. She couldn't get anything from it. I talked about the weather, the new movies out, a couple of the new CDs I purchased since I'd been home, what I ate...but nothing of substance. It was a half an hour into my hour-long session and I hadn't said a single word. Joy was okay with it at first, thinking I was just in a bad mood, but then after fifteen minutes she got annoyed with it. After fixing her appearance and even changing her nail polish, she began plea-bargaining and I think now she's realized I was doing it on purpose. "You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?" I nodded. "Well, fine. I can sit here just as long as you can." I knew she couldn't. I sat back and looked around the office, keeping the teasing smile on my face.
I looked around the room again and my eyes landed quickly on her photos of her daughter. She'd informed me during one our previous sessions that the girl in the photo was her daughter, but she was not married. She didn't divulge much information about it, and I could tell it was a touchy subject. However, she had a beautiful daughter. Joy was herself very beautiful so I figured it would work out like that. I left the photos and my gaze drifted for her CD collection, stacked in alphabetical order. I looked for my albums and was pleased to find that she had every single one on her shelf. I was more comfortable knowing she was a fan, in an odd way, but I hadn't let anything affect anything I was planning to say to her.
I grabbed her notepad and a pencil from her desk, something she didn't object to, and shifted in my chair so my head was on one of the armrests and my legs dangled off the other side. It wasn't really comfortable but it was the only way I could write on the notepad without aid of a desk. I looked at her and began to sketch her image. She didn't seem to notice what I was doing, but after a while she grew annoyed that I kept looking at her.
"What are you doing?" I gave her a sneaky grin before returning to my sketch. "Let me see." She stood up to peek. I immediately gave her a look and put the notepad against my chest so she couldn't see. "Oh, come on, Zac..." I shook my head. She sighed heavily and sat back down across from me. I put the pad back against my thighs and continued to sketch her. When I was finished with her, I sketched her chair and the wall behind her, including all the degrees and pictures that were lining it. As I was finishing up, she glanced at the clock. "We've got about five minutes left," she said. I nodded. I'd be done by then.
She called time as I was signing my name in the bottom corner. I smiled to her. "Thanks. This was very productive," I told her, throwing the notepad and the pencil on the desk. She looked at it then back at me, surprised. "See you later." I walked out of the office and found my mother in the waiting room. "Let's go." She got up and followed me out of the building.
In the car on the way home, she spoke to me. "So, what'd you talk about today?" she asked. I made the mistake of telling my mother what I'd done over the past few sessions, but it seemed only appropriate that I inform her of my status before Joy tells her that I'd been wasting time.
"Nothing," I said, looking out the window.
"Nothing?" she asked. I nodded. "Zac, I'm not paying for you to go see her twice a week to talk about nothing," I shrugged. "Have you even said anything of substance to her?"
"Yeah, the first session," I told her. She shook her head.
"You're so difficult."
"I don't try to be." She looked over at me.
"Yes you do! I've been paying for you to see Joy, who happens to be a highly accredited psychiatrist, and you've done absolutely nothing with her. You are not opening up to her like you should be. Now you know you can't go back on tour until you've shown drastic improvement and if you keep this up, it'll be years before you finish the tour."
"Does it look like I actually want to go in there and talk to some stranger about what's been bugging me? I don't want to do any of this! I'm not opening up to her because she doesn't need to know! She's going to think I'm crazy if I tell her everything that's wrong with me. I'm not about to let anybody get that close to me, much less a fucking shrink."
"Zachary!"
"What? Ooh, I'm swearing now. That's the least of my problems and don't you even try to fix it because I don't have to listen to you, I don't have to listen to her, I don't have to listen to anybody! I'm perfectly fine the way I am and if you don't like that it's your problem!" I yelled at her. I knew I'd gone too far. I knew better than to raise my voice at my mother, so I wasn't surprised when she reached over and slapped me across the face.
"Don't you ever raise your voice at me, young man! I don't know what the hell your problem is lately, but you've been nothing short of a thorn in my side since we got home. Don't you dare mouth off at me, your father, or anyone else for that matter again! Now you listen, you are going to stop blowing off these sessions. I am paying that woman good money to help you get better and the only way she can do that is if you do your part. I don't know why you're acting like this because you've never had any problem opening up to people before and whatever you say to her is strictly confidential. If you say so, she can't even tell me anything unless it is a serious threat to yourself or somebody else. She is there for you to confide in and you better damn well do that!"
"Okay," I whispered, turning my face away from her to look out the window. I deserved it; I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. Her words stung and before I knew it I had tears rolling down my face. She noticed when I wiped them away and she grew concerned.
"Are you okay?" she asked. I nodded, still not looking at her. "Are you sure? You know I'm just trying to help you out, Zac. I just want to see you better because it kills me to see you not happy."
"I know. I'm okay. Just forget about it," I told her, trying my best to make it sound like I wasn't crying. It didn't work. "I'll go to Joy the next session and I'll open up to her." She pulled into our driveway and turned off the car. I was ready to jump out and lock myself in my room.
"Sweetie? I'm sorry..." I looked over at her and she looked deeply concerned over me. I took a deep breath and fell into her open arms, sobbing.
I sat on the edge of the couch in Rose's living room, her head in my lap as we watched a movie. I was absently playing with her hair, which made her sleepy. She was struggling to keep awake because we were watching her favorite movie and she wanted to see the whole thing, but I could tell she wasn't going to make it. We were halfway through and she was struggling to keep her eyes open.
The phone rang and Rose shifted as if to get up and answer it. "Nope, you stay there," I said. I picked up the phone. "Hello?"
"Ike? It's Mom."
"Oh, hi Mom," I said, resuming playing with Rose's hair. She smiled and looked back at the television screen. "What's going on?"
"Zac had a breakdown on the way home from the psychiatrist's office today and he wants to talk to you about some things. He's really lost and he needs to talk to his older brother...he won't come out of his room and I think you should come over and talk to him." Just then Rose stiffened and sat up.
"Rose are you okay?" I asked her. She took in a deep breath and shook her head. "Rose?"
"I think my water just broke," she said, looking over at me. I dropped the phone and immediately got up. She was barely eight months pregnant; I was expecting a bit more time. "Take me to the hospital." She was the only one thinking coherently. I helped her get up, ignoring the fact that my mother was still on the phone, and I ushered her hurriedly to the car. I knew the quickest route to the hospital; luckily I'd just discussed this with her. I didn't expect the baby to come this soon.
I drove to the hospital and in a flurry of activity I found myself with Rose in a room. The doctor was in the room with us, and Rose was already heavily sedated from the epidural. She wasn't going to take any chances with a natural birth. She told me from the beginning that she wanted to be sedated.
"Is everything going to be okay?" I asked the doctor. "She's barely eight months pregnant."
"We looked into it and everything seems to be okay," the doctor said. "It is early, but not dangerously early. We'll keep a close eye on both her and the baby, so you have nothing to worry about." I nodded. "I'll be back in a little while to check up on her, but for now all you can do is wait. Congratulations, you're about to become parents." The doctor gave me a smile and left the room.
"Are you okay, honey?" I asked. Rose looked up at me and smiled.
"Yup." She poked around at the cup in her hand before looking up at me again. "Did you call Taylor?" I wasn't completely comfortable with Taylor being present. I was okay with the two of them and their history and how close they were, but I wasn't sure if I want Taylor to be there. I knew better than to lie to her about it, though.
"Rose, I've been standing right next to you since you got here. Does it look like I've called Taylor?" I asked, a smile on my face. She gave me a look.
"Well go call him, I want him here. I don't know how long this is going to take so I want you to call him and get him here as quickly as possible, okay?"
"Are you going to be okay here alone?" She nodded.
"Just hurry, okay?"
"Okay." I kissed her forehead and walked out of her room. I walked outside and called Taylor from my cell phone. It rang quite a few times; I was half expecting to get his voicemail when he finally picked up.
"Hello?"
"Hey Taylor, it's Ike."
"Ike? What's going on?" I could always count on Taylor to know that something is up if I called him. "Is everything okay?"
"Everything's fine. Rose is in labor and she told me to call you to let you know. She's asking for you. I don't know how long this is going to take so she says hurry."
"She wants me to be there?" he asked. I could hear the surprise in his voice.
"Of course she wants you here, Taylor. You were the first person she asked for. She didn't even tell me to call anyone else; just 'Did you call Taylor?' "
"Okay. I'll get there as quick as I can. What hospital are you at?" I told him the name of the hospital and Rose's room number before I hung up with him and called home. I didn't give my mother any explanation of where I was; I didn't even hang up with her. That was an hour ago.
"Hello?" It was Zac. Why would Zac answer the phone? Zac avoided conversations like the plague and telephones were conversations just waiting to happen.
"Hey Zac, it's Ike."
"Where the hell are you?" he asked. "Mom went frantic."
"I'm at the hospital. Rose went into labor."
"Oh. Well, that makes sense. Mom was worried sick and she called back to the house but you were an idiot and didn't hang up the phone...but anyway, did you want to talk to Mom?"
"In a minute. Are you okay, Zac?" I asked. Mom had wanted me to come home and talk to him. I was about to rush out of there, be Zac's older brother and make everything better, but then Rose's water broke and I had to get her to the hospital. "Mom said you weren't doing too good earlier."
"I just had an episode," he said as if this "episode" were an episode on television. "I'm better now."
"Well why don't you come down with Mom to the hospital? I'll stick her in the room with Rose and you and me can talk." There was a long silence. I knew Zac was silently debating whether or not he could trust me. "We don't have to be in public or anything, they're giving me a private waiting room in case the media finds out I'm here."
"Um...okay."
"Great. Tell Mom I'm at the Memorial Hospital, second floor. Rose is in room 226."
"Okay. See you in a few."
"Okay. Bye."
"Bye." I hung up the phone and walked back to Rose's room. She looked up.
"Did you get a hold of him?" I nodded. "Is he coming?"
"He said he'd be here as quickly as he can. And knowing Taylor, he'll be here as quickly as he can. I called up my mother and she'll be here in a little bit to stay with you. I have to talk to Zac about a few things and I couldn't leave you in here alone." She nodded.
"What's wrong with Zac?"
"I don't know. He said something about having an 'episode.' I don't know what that means, but the reason my mother called the house was because she wanted me to come home and talk to him. He's better now, he actually answered the phone, but I still want to talk to him."
"That's okay. I think it'll be a while before this baby comes out. My contractions are, like, really far apart. The doctor came in here and said I wasn't anywhere near dilated enough and I probably won't be for a while. I have a good, long stay before anything major happens."
"Well that gives Taylor time to get here."
"And it gives you time to call my parents. They should be home now and are probably wondering what's going on." She gestured to the door. "Go on."
"Something makes me think you're trying to get rid of me."
"Now why would I do that?" she asked. "Taylor's not even here yet." I gave her a look but she smiled sweetly back at me. "I love you."
"I love you too." I kissed her again before walking out of the room.
"And bring me back some more orange juice!"
It was a good fifteen minutes before my mother and brother got to the hospital. Zac went in and said hello to Rose but didn't stay there long. Mom stayed in the room with Rose as I led Zac to the private waiting room. I could tell he was really nervous about talking to me, but I didn't let it show that I was nervous about talking to him.
The private waiting room had a few chairs and a couch with fluffy pillows that Zac made himself comfortable on. He sprawled out on it face down, resting his head on one of the pillows and looked up at me. For the first time I noticed how delicate he looked. He was pale and his hands were shaking, but Mom said he'd been like that all afternoon.
"So what happened?" I asked.
"When?"
"On the way home from the psychiatrist. You said you had an episode and I'm guessing it started then." He nodded.
"Mom got mad at me because I've been blowing off my sessions. Today I didn't say a word to my shrink until time was up, and all I said after that was goodbye. Some of my other sessions all I did was talk about odd things like the weather and what movies were out," he explained. "She yelled at me and I got defensive and I ended up breaking down."
"Why?"
"I don't know." He sighed and looked up at me, his big brown eyes filling up. "Ike, I have to tell you something and I don't want to tell you but you have to know."
"What is it?"
"I'm on drugs."
I didn't say anything. Zac sighed and looked away. Taylor was right. Taylor had always been right. I told him how many times that Zac was smarter than that, Zac wouldn't do something like that, and I was wrong. I'd even asked him and he told me no!
"For how long?" I finally asked. Zac turned over and looked at me. The look on his face was enough to tell me he was sorry for it. I don't know how much that mattered, though.
"A few months, just about as long as Taylor..." He paused. "Around when Taylor ripped his pants. It was after you asked me about it. I didn't lie to you." I nodded. "I'm not quite sure why I started. I guess it was the same reason I started smoking and started cutting myself...I just wanted to escape and I didn't know how. I'd tried drugs before, a long time ago; it was after Taylor told me not to. I liked it and I felt bad so I didn't keep doing it. But then this time I'm doing it sort of to spite Taylor and I didn't feel guilty about it until I became addicted."
"Well, Zac, if you want to stop I'm here for you..."
"No, no I'll stop on my own," he immediately said. "I can get through it on my own." And I knew the conversation had ended there.
"Is that all you wanted to tell me?" I asked.
"Well, all I've convinced myself to tell you right now." I nodded. "So are you excited? You're going to have a kid in a few hours. Put a face with the name and the thought."
"I am completely overwhelmed. I have no idea what to think. I guess it's more shocking now because I'm not actually in the room with her. I still can't believe I'm having a kid. If I weren't sitting here right now talking to you, I would never believe it."
"Why don't we check on her? I think you need other things on your mind so you don't worry about me." He was trying to make me forget what he told me so I wouldn't tell anybody else. It worked, because as soon as he started talking about Rose and our baby, I nodded and forgot everything he said.
"All right."