"So Ike, I've heard you and your girlfriend are going to have a baby?" A tape of our appearance on a late night talk show today played on the tour bus television. I didn't want to watch it, but it was a tradition we had. We always watched our appearances to see what we should and shouldn't have done. I hated watching myself on television. I hated watching myself, period.
I couldn't believe Isaac actually decided to tell people about his child this casually, like he'd just purchased a new car. He hadn't even proposed to Rose yet, so basically the question was asked about the child, Isaac confirmed it, and we moved on. I personally didn't want anyone to know. I wanted the kid to remain a secret forever so it wouldn't affect the band. Saying he had a girlfriend is one thing, saying he was going to have a baby with her was something completely different.
Despite the fact that I didn't want to watch it, I watched the interview quite diligently. What really struck me was how thin Taylor looked sitting next to me. Isaac sat next to the host in the chair while Taylor and I sat on the sofa. Over time I built up broad shoulders and a muscular upper body, while Taylor was purely skin and bones. I wasn't sure when he started but it had been over three weeks since I caught him and he had yet to stop. Every day there was less and less of him and I couldn't do anything to stop it or he would tell about my secret. That was something that couldn't happen.
We made a decision to go home. We weren't done with the tour--we weren't even close--but we all agreed that we needed a break from each other. We were going back to Tulsa, but since we needed a break from each other as well as a break from touring, we weren't all going to be able to be home. Although both of age, Taylor and Ike still lived at home, mostly because we were hardly ever there. I was not about to go from sharing a hotel room with my brothers to sharing a house with them. I didn't know how it was decided, but I was the one who was going to stay home. I didn't really have any say in it, Ike and Taylor just kind of looked at each other and agreed that I should be the one who stayed home while they both went somewhere else. Ike was most definitely going to stay in town because he was going to want to spend all his time with Rose. Taylor mentioned something about leaving Tulsa altogether and spending the week off in LA.
I'd been anticipating the chance to go home for months. I couldn't even begin to explain how happy I was to learn we were going home. There were certain nuances about home that I never had while on the road, and most of that revolved around my room and my bed. Taylor and I shared a room at home, but with him in LA I had everything to myself.
"Zac, you're fiddling with your sleeves again," Taylor told me. I looked up, confused. I hadn't moved in the past ten minutes. He gestured to the video. I looked at myself on the video. Sure enough, I was fiddling with my sleeves, most likely trying to make sure my wrists were covered.
"Well you have your legs crossed again," I said, trying to call him out on something.
"You could fit the entire city of Los Angeles between yours."
"At least I'm acting like a guy."
"Stop it," Ike warned, knowing we were starting to bicker at each other instead of giving constructive criticism. When Ike turned back to the television I flicked him off and looked back at it myself. I never handled criticism well and my brothers knew that. They knew I would get defensive about myself, and usually it ended up with someone yelling, but we continued to scrutinize our public personas.
I looked on the screen at Taylor and then at Ike. Ike was skinny but Taylor looked about half the size of Ike. Taylor was doing nothing to hide it. He was practically bragging about it. He managed to find pants that actually fit him tightly. His shirt is tight also and it didn't look good. He was so skinny it was disgusting. Before this tour when Taylor wore clothes that tight he got away with it because he was lanky and lanky was okay. Lanky was a good look for a guy in a band. He wasn't lanky anymore. He was practically dead.
When the interview was over, Taylor shut off the television and left the room. A couple of minutes later Isaac did the same thing, leaving me alone. It was happening more often now; they would leave me alone, they wouldn't talk to each other or me unless necessary, and they wouldn't even look at anyone else unless it was needed. Even though none of us really spoke to each other, it seemed to be Taylor and Ike sitting together and then I was on the side. It was always that way. I was never included.
Glancing around, I found myself safely alone. I pulled the small baggie of cocaine out of my pocket, set it up, and inhaled it. Once the euphoria kicked in, I sat back on the couch and looked up at the ceiling. It was more comfortable and slightly more spacious on the couch than in the bunks and people seemed to be leaving me alone. I couldn't really do much there, but I could see out the window. Sighing, I put my feet up on the windowsill and watched the streetlights go by, the colors much brighter than they were before.
I knocked on the door to Rose's house. I hoped she wouldn't answer the door. I was dying to see her, but I needed to speak with her parents first. To my delight, her mother answered the door. "Isaac, honey, you didn't say you were coming home!" she said, giving me a hug. "Rose isn't here right now. She and one of her girlfriends went to the doctor for a checkup on the baby."
"That's fine. I actually wanted to talk to you, Alicia. Is your husband home too? I'd like to speak with the both of you."
"Oh, all right..." she said, letting me inside. Okay, my heart is going about a thousand miles an hour right now. I'm nervous. I'm very nervous. I wasn't nervous when I was standing on the doorstep, but now that I'm actually talking to Alicia I'm as nervous as all hell. "Why don't you sit down in the living room? I'll go get my husband." I went into the living room and sat down, biting my lip. I was tempted to get up and run away but that would be stupid now that I've been let inside.
Alicia and her husband Mark walked into the room and sat across from me. I've always gotten along quite well with Rose's parents. They've been real supportive through this pregnancy and her father hasn't decided to kill me yet so they're really cool. Actually, her father's been nothing but nice to me since I've found out Rose was pregnant.
"So, what did you want to speak to us about?" Alicia asked.
"Well, Rose and I have been dating for two years now and I love her very much. I always pictured myself having this conversation with the two of you but I never thought it'd be this early. Ever since she told me she was pregnant, I've done a lot of thinking, and with your permission I'd like to marry your daughter." I spoke quickly so I could get out all I wanted to say in as few breaths as possible, since I was so nervous. Mark seemed genuinely surprised by my reasoning but he didn't have much to say before Alicia nearly exploded.
"Of course you can marry Rose!" she squealed, getting up off the couch and embracing me tightly. "This is such a shock. I had no idea..."
"I always knew I was going to marry Rose, it's just that now that she's pregnant I'm proposing earlier than I thought I would."
"You two are young, that is true," she said, sitting down next to me on the couch. I looked to Mark. She noticed my gaze and questioned him. "Mark? What do you think?"
"I think it's a wonderful idea." I smiled. As long as I had his permission, I felt a lot better than if I would have asked Rose before I asked them. I don't know why I'm so polite like this, but it was the way I was raised and this was the way it always worked. "Just take good care of my daughter."
"I will, sir."
The front door opened and Rose entered the house. I couldn't see the front door but I knew it was her because she shouted out that she was home once I heard the door close. "We're in here, sweetie," Alicia said, getting up and walking to the front room. "Come in the living room." Rose walked into the living room and smiled widely when she saw me sitting down. I stood at her presence and walked over to her. "I knew you'd be home soon so I asked Isaac to wait for you here."
"Honey, what are you doing home?" she asked me. I gave her a kiss on the cheek.
"We decided to take a week off. Listen, why don't we go out to the park? Are you up to it?" I asked. She nodded.
"Okay. I can tell you all about what the doctor said," she told me, taking my hand and leading me back to the front room. Alicia watched, a smile on her face.
We left the house and I sat her in the passenger's seat of my car. The park really wasn't far away, we used to walk there all the time, but I didn't want her to walk that far when she was seven months pregnant. I got behind the wheel and drove the short distance from Rose's house to the park and found a parking spot near a bench and a tree where Rose and I first met.
We got out of the car and sat down on the bench. This was where I was sitting when we first met, reading a book when she was blading by. It began to rain and she sat with me under the tree so she wouldn't get wet. Before we knew it we became friends. After a while of being 'just friends' we started to date. It seemed not too long ago she was that lanky girl who wouldn't have even been in my life if it hadn't started to rain.
"So how was your day at the doctor?" I asked, putting my arm around her and pulling her close to me. She laid her head on my shoulder. It felt nice to hold her again.
"Oh..it was all right. Our little boy is due to be born August 15th. Otherwise it was just a normal check-up. He's good, he's got a strong heart beat and everything's just perfect so far."
"That's wonderful."
"Honey? Are you happy we're going to have a child?" she asked.
"Of course I am!" I immediately said. "Rose, I don't think I could be any happier right now. I'm so excited and I can't wait to raise this child with you."
"Can we name him Ryan James?" Well, obviously she's spent a lot of time on this. I don't think I've even thought about names for the baby and I don't think I'd be able to come up with a name if I had the time to think about it. I knew if it was up to me I'd name the child something really stupid and the kid would be scarred for life. But Ryan James sounded just perfect to me.
"Okay."
"Is that all you're going to say?"
"What do you want me to say?" I asked, a smile on my face. "I think Ryan James is a perfectly beautiful name for our child. I know I won't be able to come up with anything better." She eyed me a moment before smiling and kissing me.
"Good, because you had no say in it either way." I rolled my eyes. "Why are you home, sweetie? You said something about a break--"
"My brothers and I are just getting on each other's nerves. We need to get away from each other for a little while before we end up killing each other and that wouldn't be a good thing."
"Oh? What's wrong?"
"Zac has officially withdrawn himself from Taylor and I. Taylor thinks it's drugs but I don't think Zac would do something like that. Taylor is constantly accusing Zac of all these different things and they're getting on each other's last nerve. They've even gotten into a fistfight. Zac's just really tired and he needs a break just as bad as we do. If we didn't take one he'd end up withdrawing from society completely. So this break is really for him more than anything else. Taylor is in LA and Zac is at home. I stayed here because I had to spend all my free time with you."
"Figures," she said, smiling. "Are you and them okay?"
"I guess so. I'm not really sure because I've had my mind on other things," I said, putting a hand on her stomach. "They're tending to leave me alone."
"I'm not a bother, am I?"
"Of course you're not! I love you and I'm very happy for the both of us. You're not anywhere near a bother." She smiled. I know she'd been very down on herself lately because she's getting bigger and it's really affecting her. I kissed her then went down on my knees in front of her. "Rose, I love you so much."
"I love you too, honey."
"I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to be with you to raise this child and I want to wake up beside you and grow old with you..." Her eyebrows perked up and she didn't see me reach in my pocket to pull out the jewelry box that held her engagement ring. "Rose, will you marry me?" I saw her mouth drop and her hands cover them as I held out the ring for her to see. Her hands began to shake and I saw tears in her eyes. She didn't say anything at first and I sat there like a fool, waiting for her to answer, until a tear fell from her eye and she nodded, finally having it sink in. She wiped it away and nodded again.
"Oh...yes! Yes I will!"
I took the ring out of the box and slipped it on her finger before sitting next to her on the bench again. She was crying heavily now and I put my arms around her, holding her close to me. "Sweetie, you're not supposed to be crying..."
"I'm just so happy." She dried her eyes. "With you I'm always happy."
Rose and I walked into my house. Zac saw us coming and all but spat in our faces as he purposely walked away and up the stairs. I'd thought the two of us were on good terms. Perhaps I should have gone to LA with Taylor or just somewhere on my own. The only reason I stayed in town was because of Rose and Zac wasn't going to make me leave.
"So maybe we weren't okay," I told Rose. She squeezed my hand.
"It'll turn out for the better. If you really don't think you should stay here with him, you can always stay with me. Daddy will let you sleep in the guest room as long as you promise not to come into my room during the night..."
"Why? Is he afraid I might..." I paused and mocked a gasp. "...get you pregnant? That would be horrible!" She gave me a look. "I'm sorry."
"Daddy doesn't want us sleeping together until we get married and you know that. Don't even try to patronize him about it either. I can get you to stay with me but you will be staying in the guest room," she said, her hands on her hips.
"I know, I know. I shouldn't be joking around like that. I know your father's rules and I wouldn't think of breaking them. I am a gentleman," I said, sticking out my chin in defiance.
"Oh yeah, such a gentleman. That's why I'm seven months pregnant and you just now proposed."
"Come on, we have to tell my parents," I said, taking her hand and pulling her deeper into the house. I wasn't quite sure where my parents were but I knew I wouldn't find them standing in the front of the house and talking with Rose.
"Why didn't we tell mine first?" she asked. "We were right there."
"Your parents already know." She stopped walking and I didn't notice until I felt a tug on my hand. I turned around and she was giving me a strange look. "What? I asked your parents first." Her eyes widened.
"Is that why you were there?" I nodded. "Oh my God that's so sweet! I had no idea you were going to ask them first! I've always wanted my husband to do something like that. Oh honey you are just perfect in every way." She kissed me. "Come on." She started to walk, but then thought of something and paused. "Your parents do know I'm pregnant, don't they?"
"Yes."
"Good." We walked around until we found my mother. My father wasn't around--that was usual. My parents loved each other very much but they didn't always spend their time together.
"Hey Mom," I said. She looked up and a broad smile crossed her face when she saw Rose next to me. Rose smiled back, resting her hands on top of her stomach.
"Oh, sweetie! I haven't seen you in such a long time!" she said, walking over. She gave Rose a hug before settling her eyes on Rose's swollen stomach. "Oh you've gotten so big already! How far along are you?" Before I knew it my mother had sat Rose down at the kitchen table and the two were chatting away. I was just waiting for my mother to notice the engagement ring on her finger. Rose was doing many different things to try to make her notice without actually telling her, but it didn't seem to be working yet. It was a few minutes before it caught the light and my mother finally noticed it. When she did her eyes grew much in the same fashion they did beforehand when Rose walked into the room, and she looked up at me.
"You didn't tell me you were going to propose already! Oh this is so wonderful!" My mother looked at the ring on her finger; she hadn't even seen it yet. "I had no idea. Isaac, this ring is so beautiful! Did you pick it out?" my mother joked, glancing back at me. "It's so pretty, someone must else have."
"I had Zac help me out but yeah, it was pretty much my choice," I explained. Speaking of which, a moment after those words left my mouth Zac walked into the kitchen. He saw Rose, Mom, and me and immediately turned to leave. I didn't know what was wrong with him but he just didn't want to see anybody. My mother stopped him before he could leave.
"Zac, come in and say hi to Rose." Zac stopped at the door, sighing. He knew he'd have to say something or he'd be flat out disobeying our mother and he really doesn't tend to disrespect Mom like that. He stepped back inside and looked at Rose.
"Hi." His gaze shifted to Mom. "Can I go now?"
"Well don't you want to say anything to her?" she asked.
"No," he said. As he left, he muttered something only I could hear. "Fucking slut..."