"I miss you," I whispered into the speaker of a telephone. "I wish I could be there." After the show it was still early enough for my girlfriend Rose to be awake so I decided to call her. I know she'd be happy to hear from me, especially considering we'd been so busy that I hadn't been able to call home in weeks. I used to call home all the time just to hear her voice. Her voice calmed me when my brothers were fighting. They were going at it rather loudly on the balcony; I could hear them clearly through the sliding glass door.
"I wish you were here too," Rose replied. I could hear the sadness in her voice. She wanted me home. I wanted to be home. As much as I loved my job, ever since I had Rose, it didn't seem as wonderful to be out on the road anymore. I used to love it so I could get away from the monotony of the same house with the same people, but now being away from home meant being away from Rose. Everything changed when I met her. I started slacking off so it'd take longer for us to get on the road as long as it meant I could stay home with her.
We'd been together for about two years. It seemed like a long time, but in actuality we'd really spent a total of two months actually together. I'm sure it seems like much longer than two years for her. It's terrible to be away for so long, but she knew what she was getting into when she agreed to go out with me.
"Is everything okay over there?" she asked. "I hear yelling. You're not fighting with your brothers again, are you?" I smiled. She always worried about my brothers fighting.
"No, I'm not fighting with them. They're fighting with each other."
"What's this one about?"
"Well, from what I can hear, Taylor is yelling at Zac for being late to the shows all the time and Zac is yelling at Taylor because he's being too demanding. They both pose a pretty good argument but I don't think either of them is right. Zac shouldn't be late all the time, because he is late to nearly every single show, but Taylor shouldn't be on his case like this."
"You should put them in their place," Rose said. I could almost hear her pushing me towards them.
"You know I shouldn't. I don't want to get involved. They'll just find that I'm doing something they don't like and they'll somehow get me into the fighting when I'm just trying to solve it. I'm not good at stopping fights. Taylor is, but that's only when he's not the cause of them." I turned away from the glass doors of the balcony and to the interior of the room. The last thing I wanted to do on this rare opportunity of talking to my girlfriend was discuss my problems with my brothers. "So how's everything holding up on the home front?" I asked.
"Oh...not so well."
"Not so well? What's wrong, sweetheart?" I asked.
"Listen, Ike, I really don't think I should discuss this over the phone. It's something I really should tell you in person. No, things aren't well, but I can't tell you much of anything over the phone." I immediately grew concerned. Rose was usually a very direct person, but this sudden news could be absolutely anything.
"Rose, what's going on?"
"I can't tell you over the phone. The last thing I want to do is tell you over the phone. No, you're going to have to find out when you come home. When are you coming home? When are you even remotely in the area again? Please tell me soon." I paused. At the time we were all the way in North Carolina and we were touring all of New England before we started to head back west. It'd be at least a month or two before I got close enough to her to stop off and see her back home in Tulsa.
"It's going to be a long time. At least a month or two."
"A month or two? Honey, this is really important. I mean I'm so glad you called me because I didn't know how much longer I could wait to hear from you. I have no way to contact you and even if I did, I wouldn't know what you'd be doing at the time. Do you have a day off at all before then? I really need to speak with you personally." I thought about it. This sounded really important, but I doubt I'd be allowed to fly all the way to Tulsa just to see my girlfriend.
"We have some time off next week. I can make some arrangements and I guess I can come and see you. It'd have to be quick, though, because we wouldn't have to do anything until six that day and it's three hours both ways."
"Well just come whenever you can. It's really important. Like mega important." I knit my eyebrows in confusion; what could be so important?
"Isaac, get off the phone!!" My head shot up and Taylor was standing before me, his eyes flashing rage. I stopped myself from rolling my eyes. Whenever he got worked up he was like this. I only wish he'd put some of the passion he has for fighting with us over petty things into his music. If he did we'd be on top again. "We have to talk about Zac." I looked out on the balcony. Zac was sitting in a chair, his knees pulled up to his chest. I couldn't see his face, but I could bet almost anything he was just as upset as Taylor.
"Can't we do this later, Taylor? I'm in the middle of something." I saw his hand go for the phone to hang it up. Luckily I caught it before he hung up on Rose. Taylor yanked his hand away from my grip. "Fine, I'll get off the phone. Don't try anything stupid." I gave Taylor a look and turned away for a minute to finish up with Rose. "Listen, Rose, Taylor will hang up the phone for me if I don't get off. I'll call you later about next week. I love you."
"I love you too. Are you sure you're coming?"
"I'll do what I can. I can't promise anything, but I'll try my hardest. Goodbye."
"Bye." I heard the click of the phone from Taylor. And not a moment too soon, I thought. Taylor yanked the receiver away from me and put it down. I turned back to him.
"What is your problem, Taylor? You know, that phone call was really important. I don't see how talking about Zac could make you want to hang up the phone on my girlfriend, but whatever." Taylor gave me a sarcastic look.
"I'm sorry but this is important too."
"You know this better not be about Zac being late all the time. I know he has a problem with being on time but if you don't recall, so do you." He shook his head, his face suddenly growing serious.
"Actually it is, but it's not in the way you think. I'm still upset about that, but I'm not complaining about it to you. Jed, one of the roadies, told me after the show that he's been watching Zac the past couple of days and he's been disappearing when the opening act goes on. He goes into this little room in the back of the stage area and is in there for a good half an hour before he comes out. He doesn't know what he does in there, but he's checked the room out and for all we know Zac could be doing some weird stuff in there. He thinks Zac is on drugs."
"Drugs? Zac? He knows better than that."
"Yeah but you thought I knew better than that and I still tried it anyway. I don't know where Zac could be getting it from, but for all we know he could be doing it." It'd been so long since Taylor had experimented with drugs that I forgot it even happened. Luckily he was never addicted and only played around for a short while.
Taylor glanced nervously back out on the balcony at Zac and lowered his voice. I didn't like whispering about Zac any more than Taylor did. "He has been acting weird lately. He's only been late to shows recently and he's been really disoriented when he's not on stage. He seems himself on stage, but Ike, I'm worried about him. When he's comes out of that room he's real protective and down on himself. You should have heard him when I was talking to him before the show started. He was acting all vulnerable and crap. That's not Zac. He's back to himself now, but it's been a few hours."
"Taylor, I think you're overreacting," I said, shaking my head. "Zac isn't doing drugs. He knows better than that and to tell you the truth I never thought you did. I expected you to experiment. I know Zac won't, especially since you've talked about it with him. For all we know he could just be losing himself in all of this work. We're done with the tour in three months, if he's still this bad then, then I'll think he's on something."
"I don't know, Ike. Three months is a long time if he really does have a problem. If he's doing them now, three months from now he could be really addicted and acting even stranger. Hell, he might even overdose by then."
"Zac is not on drugs, Taylor. He will not overdose by then, and he will not be addicted because he is not doing anything. If it makes you happy, I'll watch him for the next few weeks and see where he goes and what he's doing. I'll check out the room myself. If it gets too much for us and you really start getting freaked out by this, we can talk to him. Until then, no more discussing it. Zac is not you, Taylor. He's smarter than you." I got up and walked to the bathroom, a small smile on my face. I managed to get at least one insult in.
"Hey!"
I stepped out of the shower the next morning. It felt good to be clean. As much as my brothers think I shower too much and that I'm a hygiene freak, I'm not. I just like being clean. Zac could go days without showering, and as gross as he would smell, he'd be happy. I wouldn't be. I mean I just do this because I have to be clean all the time because as long as I'm clean and I take care of myself, everyone will like me. That's just the way it goes.
I tend to take cold showers. I heard it's better for your hair plus it helps me wake up in the morning, and I never have to worry about that hot, muggy bathroom feeling. Cold showers have a lot of advantages. I know I'll never have to hear my brothers whining at me because the bathroom is steamy (which they always seem to leave for me whenever I'm not the first one in).
I looked at myself in the mirror. I don't do it often; although I know Zac does nearly every day. He likes to look at himself and say, "Damn, I look good." I hear him when he's been in the shower before me and I'm pounding on the door for him to get out. I felt different and I decided I was going to look at myself. What I saw was completely and utterly dreadful.
I've always been a skinny boy. A lot of people know this and ridicule me for it. I'm always the butt of the joke because I'm so skinny, but what I saw in the mirror today was not a skinny boy. Sure it's nothing too extreme, I'm not thirty pounds heavier since the last time I looked at myself, but I definitely have gained my share of pudge. It wasn't just in one place that I'd been neglecting either. It was everywhere. Where the hell did it come from?
I quickly got dressed and left the bathroom. As I opened the door, Zac was just about to knock on it and yell at me to get out. I didn't even look at him as I passed by him and went into the main room, drying my hair with my towel. I heard the door close and the shower turn on. Shaking my head, I looked at one of the beds. Ike was still asleep. He had something troubling him and he wouldn't tell me about it. I had pestered him for information until he fell asleep, and I still haven't heard anything. I guess it's really none of my business, but I'm still his nosy little brother. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I'm not so little anymore.
What the hell is happening to me? Once I finally accept how I look and how I present myself to my audience, everything has to go and change. Well, I'm not going to let it change, not like everything else has changed. This isn't going to be like the reduction of record sales, or the fact that this time around we have to perform in venues that was a fourth the size of the previous ones because not everybody's interested anymore. I'm not going to let my body change.
When Zac came out of the shower, I looked at the time. We nearly had to leave and Isaac wasn't even awake yet. That was strange. There was usually a contest between me and Ike to see who could get up first. Isaac usually won and got in the shower first. Zac was usually last. But Zac was up before Ike, and I'm sure he was happy he wasn't the last one in the shower.
I walked over to Isaac and shook his shoulder. I've never had to wake him up before because we either woke up at the same time or he was up first. "Ike," I said, glancing up at Zac. "Ike, wake up." I knew he wasn't dead because he was drooling, so he had to wake up sooner or later. When he didn't even stir, I leaned in next to his ear. "IKE!"
He jumped and looked up at me. Making a face, he rolled over and pulled the pillow over his head.
"Go away."
"Ike we have to be on the bus and out of this town in fifteen minutes. You're never late because you hate being late. What the hell is your problem? Get in the shower and let's go!" I said. Zac grabbed onto Ike's foot and started to drag him off the bed. "Up and atom, Atom Ant!" I yelled. Zac gave me a confused look. "Well I've got to encourage him somehow instead of dragging him into the bathroom!" Isaac finally fell off the bed, then kicked Zac off him and sat up.
"I'm up, I'm up. God, can't I sleep in one day without having the both of you attack me?" he muttered. He got up the floor and with a yawn and a scratch of his head he walked into the bathroom. He shut the door and a few moments later I heard the shower running.
I plopped on the bed and looked up at Zac. He was shoving a Twinkie in his mouth. I looked at him in disgust. I didn't understand how it was acceptable for him to be gaining weight while I had to worry about how I looked. I guess it had something to do with his hanging out behind his drums because no one really saw him, but it still bugged me to no end. He looked back at me.
"Twinkie?" he asked, his offer barely understandable by the piece of spongy snack cake in his mouth. He extended his hand, the other half of the Twinkie offered to me. I shook my head, my stomach feeling queasy enough to puke.
"No thank you," I said, and got off the bed. I noticed a few of my things lying around on the floor near my bag. I could care less about them, but I figured I should stick them in my bag instead of leaving them here for the maid to take home. I walked to my bag and bent over to pick them up. That's when it happened.
Rrrriiiippp...
My eyes grew wide as all of a sudden I heard Zac laughing hysterically. I stood up quickly and turned around. Zac was on the floor, his face red from laughing so hard. Soon tears streamed down his contorted face and he began to turn purple. "Man, Tay..." he paused to get a breath, "I always told you your pants were too tight. I never thought they'd ever rip, though." He looked up at me and burst out laughing again. I turned away in disgust.
I quickly took off my pants and hastily put on another pair. I sat down on the bed and looked over my favorite pair of jeans. A large rip nearly split them into two halves. I felt as though I could cry. I shook my head and threw the pants into my suitcase.
Zac had calmed down at that point and was wiping the tears from his face. "Oh, Taylor, that was classic. I don't think I've ever seen anything so hilarious in my life. Damn..."
"Well it's always nice to know that I make you laugh, Zac," I said, my mood turning sour. I was so mad I could scream. "Great that you get your kicks from my embarrassment. Why don't I just do something else to make you laugh, huh? Why don't I trip and break my nose so you could make fun of me?"
"Come on, Taylor. That was funny."
"No, you thought it was funny. I am mad. My favorite pair of pants are completely ruined because I've been scarfing down Twinkies and Ho-Ho's and other things you've been leaving around everywhere. I know you need to eat, Zac, but do you have to eat food so fattening? I mean, my God, you're gaining weight like no tomorrow and if you don't do something about it, so will I." I gave him a look and went out on the balcony, crossing my arms as I sat in a chair.
I heard Zac comment about me when Isaac came out of the shower. They had a good laugh but all I could do was pretend I couldn't hear what they were saying about me and make a face. After a few minutes of jokes about my pants, I tuned them out. They didn't know I could hear them, or they knew and they were doing it on purpose. Either way I was becoming more and more sensitive to the comments.
I bit my lip as I heard the door open. It was Isaac. I knew it. Zac wouldn't come out to get me after I've been yelling at him, and Isaac would just try to make some kind of peace with me. I smiled to myself when I saw Isaac in front of me. At least I was right.
"Taylor, you're being ridiculous. I'm sure if it was Zac who'd ripped his pants you would have been laughing just as hard."
"That's not the point, Ike." I got up from my chair, not wanting to be bothered. I can be difficult when I get in moods like these. I don't get in them often, but when I do no one wants to cross my path. I can snap at anyone for anything and usually the targets were my brothers and my mother. My father knows better than to cross me when I'm like this, but he seems to be the only one who knew that.
"Then what is the point?" Ike asked, following me into the interior of the hotel room. "What's so wrong that you have to yell at Zac consistently for the past three days and be a bastard towards me and everyone else you meet? Nothing can be solved if you don't tell me what's wrong."
"It's none of your business," I said, not even bothering to turn to look back at him. "Now I suggest you get out of my way so I can be alone." He reached out and grabbed my shoulder. That crossed the line. With one quick move, my fist connected with his face and I was out the door, the wheels of my suitcase squealing along the carpet as I went.