It’s been a solid month since I went back to school, and I’m getting bigger. All the teachers know what happened now, so they all excuse me when I saw I have to go to the bathroom, or when I have to barf.
I never saw Brian again after that day at the mall. I really don’t know what happened, but I knew we would meet again sometime. I’m not the kind of person who can just meet a person once and never meet them again. It just can’t happen.
None of my friends know about the pregnancy, I don’t know if any of them know about the rape. I hope they don’t. No one says anything about the weight gain, and the reoccurring puking, lack of me complaining about my period.
But I think a whole bunch of people know.
The other day I got an ultrasound, I don’t wanna know if it’s a girl or a boy. I wanna be surprised. I told the adoption agency my situation and they’re finding someone right now.
I sent Jeff a short letter indicating that I didn’t want to know whether it was a boy or a girl, and sent him the ultrasound picture. And I let him know that I was gonna take as many pictures as I could.
I haven’t heard from Zac at all. Once he left me that one day at recess, that one cold, dark day when my life turned around in circles. I’ve become another person, really. Before I was a slutty little bitch that did what she wanted.
But now I can’t really do that cause I don’t have time, or I get sick and just wanna stay home with a book and read for a while. I’m not slutty cause I can’t be, I’m too fat and I have a baby inside of me. I’m not a bitch unless I didn’t have enough sleep.
The teachers have a certain respect for me, and I know it comes from the pregnancy. I’m lucky, during third period I get a snack time. My mother gives me a lot of cool stuff, but to use after I have the baby.
"Ginger? You O.K. in there?" Kristina asked. I had asked her to come to the bathroom with me, and spent five minutes puking.
"Yeah, I’ll be fine, don’t worry about me," I said, flushing the toilet and then walking out of the stall. I went over to the sink, washed my hands and rinsed out my mouth.
I had been wearing a huge sweater cause it had been rather cold lately, and I lifted it up to fix my skirt a little and Kristina noticed how big I’ve gotten. "You’ve gained a lot of weight," she commented.
I turned to her. "You know you shouldn’t be talking about this kind of stuff, people can take it the wrong way." I took out my brush and brushed my hair. I had recently cut it to the middle of my back cause it was getting on my nerves. I still had my hair dyed black but the purple streaks weren’t there anymore.
"Well it’s true, Ging what’s been going on with you? And why isn’t Jeff in school anymore?" she asked. I accidentally dropped my brush at the sound of his name, and sighed before picking it up.
"It’s really none of your business."
"Hello? I’m you best friend, you are supposed to tell me anything. It’s not like I’m gonna tell anyone."
"I can’t trust anyone with this, alright? Even if you are my best friend, and you say you won’t tell anyone, I know someone’s gonna find out somehow and you’re gonna bring it up or something. And then soon everyone’s gonna know and I’m gonna get in deep shit."
"What happened to Jeff?" she asked.
"That’s none of your Goddamn business, now leave me alone!" I yelled at her, taking my brush and the key to the bathroom and running out and back to class.
On the way there, the guidance counselor was on her way to go pick me up and talk to me. I ran inside, grabbed my books and then ran back outside. "How are you feeling today?" she asked, as we walked over to her office.
"Alright, I guess, I just threw up like five minutes ago."
"Well that’s gonna happen. Have you gone to the doctor for a check-up lately?" she asked. I nodded.
"Yeah, I just had an ultrasound, and my doctor says that my baby’s doing wonderful, it’s a healthy child. I don’t wanna know if it’s a boy or a girl. I don’t know why but I just want to get my child in a good safe place as soon as I can. Cause I really don’t wanna get attached."
"Of course you’ll feel that way, did you get an ultrasound picture?"
"Yeah, but I sent it in a letter to Jeff. He wants to know all about the baby so I’m gonna tell whoever adopts it the address to the prison and make sure that they take lots and lots of pictures and send it to him. It’s actually rather funny. Me and Jeff would have gotten along so well if we just didn’t hate each other so much and all this never happened."
"Things happen and there’s nothing you can do about it." We reached her office. "I got a surprise for you," she said. I gave her a strange look. She took my bookbag (which was one of those rolling on the ground things, not a normal one) and motioned for me to go inside.
I opened the door and Jeff was sitting there, in handcuffs and prison clothes. I almost squealed and ran over to him. He got up and I hugged him. "I know it’s only been a month but I missed you so much," I said, not letting him go.
"I missed you too," he said. Mrs. Dunnellen told us both to sit down, so we did.
"I was really lucky to get the two of you both here today, I mean Jeff it was hell trying to get you out of prison for a little while but I can see it was definitely worth it." I gave her a smile.
"So, why’d you get me out?" Jeff asked.
"Well, number one for you two to see each other again, number two your both the parents of this child so I really need to speak to both of you," she told us.
"So, shoot."
"You’ve decided to put the baby up for adoption, right?" she asked. I nodded. "And you know how incredibly hard that’s gonna be?"
"No way," I told her, shaking my head.
"It’s gonna be impossible, there’s gonna be no way in hell that you’ll be able to get through it alone, Laura." Well at least we know she can swear in front of us. "So I’m gonna be here, Jeff’s a ride away, the guards have agreed to let you see him whenever you want to, but don’t come every day." I laughed. "There’s gonna be people there to talk to, people there for moral support and you’ll have your friends."
"I don’t have any friends anymore," I stated.
"What happened?" Mrs. Dunnellen asked.
"I won’t tell them what’s going on and now they’re all pissed at me. No one knows except for my doctor, my mother, the teachers, and Jeff."
"You should tell only the friends you trust, and that you know that they won’t tell, cause you’re gonna need them very much in the next few months." I sighed.
"I don’t know what I should do," I said, putting my head in my hands. "They all really hate me now all because I wouldn’t tell them why I threw-up so many all the time."
"You should tell those that you trust, find a circle of friends and tell them, share your secrets with them…" Mrs. Dunnellen said.
"O.K. O.K. I’ll get some friends, but who can I trust? I mean there’s a couple of loudmouths." She laughed. "Seriously, I mean if I tell some people than the whole entire world would know."
"If a person can’t keep your secret, especially one as deep as this one, than I don’t think you should think twice about keeping them as your best friends," Mrs. Dunnellen told me.
"You’re talking about Sam, right?" Jeff asked. I nodded. "I knew it." Mrs. Dunnellen got up.
"Well, I think you two should talk with each other for a while. I’ll let ya go," she said. I realized that Jeff wasn’t cuffed anymore, so we both got up and left. So he took my bag and carried it around for me while we chatted the whole day, basically taking the day off and talking to each other the whole time.
We went to lunch and sat down together, away from everyone else, just talking about anything and everything. At recess we sat down on the bleachers, still away from everyone else.
"How do you think all your friends feel about you spending the whole entire day with a killer?" Jeff asked.
"I don’t like to think of you that way. I know that’s what you did, and that I hated you for it, I actually feared you a lot, I was afraid you were gonna kill me or something."
"I wasn’t gonna kill you," he said, looking away.
"Then why’d you shoot me twice?" I asked.
"I shot you once. I heard that you got mugged and shot in New York so I just made up that I did it. I only shot you in the leg because I saw you mourning over Kevin and stuff and that I knew if that would of happened to me you wouldn’t do that. I didn’t kill him, Laura."
"What?!" I asked, thinking my ears were deceiving me again or something.
"I didn’t kill him, Laura. I swear to you that I didn’t kill him."
"Than why did you say that you did?" I yelled at him, getting up. He shrugged.
"I wanted to make you mad at me, I don’t know. I wasn’t even there," he said. I sat down again, turning away from him. Tears welled in my eyes and one escaped.
I quickly wiped it away, not wanting Jeff to know. I didn’t even wanna look at him. He sighed, and scooted over to me. "I’m sorry." I turned around, jumping up.
"Sorry won’t bring Kevin back!" I yelled at him. Then I fell on his lap, crying into his shoulder. "I miss him so much," I whispered. He put his arms around me.
"There’s nothing I can say to make it better. I wish I could but there’s nothing I can do," he said to me. I looked to him, finally, and sniffed. He stared down at me and I realized that I sent him to prison for something he didn’t even do.
Wait, he killed Jackie. Oh well, he didn’t mean it, I’m sure. He probably just got surprised and shot her. He was mean before, but once I told him that I was pregnant, he turned super nice to me.
I put my hand behind his head and our faces came closer, and closer. We closed our eyes in unison, and our lips barely touched when we heard Coach Farrell say, "O.K., break it up!"
We both looked over to him, and he had a stern look on his face. I got off Jeff’s lap and sat down beside him. Coach huffed and turned around. Once he turned around Jeff gave me a quick kiss.
"If you would of told me about this than maybe I wouldn’t have told on you and you wouldn’t be in jail right now." He shrugged.
"Well, I still killed Jackie, and I hurt you a couple times. I deserve to pay for that."
"How long are you gonna be in there."
"Only 20 years."
"20 years? Dammit, Jeff, you realize how absolutely long that is? I mean I know that I can visit you all the time, but I can’t spend night and day with you, and they won’t let me see you every day."
"But I’ll still be there."
"Jeff I always pictured you and me like going out and spending a lot of time together. People always told me that we would look good together, and I believed that. And now that I can finally be with you, I can’t."
There was an awkward silence that came between us, and it seemed to block out the screams of all the kids playing basketball, soccer, whatever sport they felt like playing.
"Death by silence," I murmured. Jeff actually laughed. I love his laugh. I looked to him. "What?"
"Death by silence? That’s almost as bad as death by cheese!" he said. This time I laughed. "So…how’s my baby doing?"
"Perfect." He smiled, and I put his hand on my stomach. "It likes to kick," I told him.
"It?"
"I don’t wanna know if it’s a boy or a girl," I meekly said.
"Why? I wanted to know the second I found out!" he told me. I shook my head.
"What happened Jeff, was a bad thing. And it was considered a rape, even if now I don’t really care. And I’m gonna give this baby up for adoption, even though no one has responded yet. I love this baby with all my heart and soul but I can’t keep it."
"I know that, I know you can’t but it’s still your baby and the least you can do is find out what gender it is," he told me.
"Fine, what is it?" I asked.
"It’s a boy." He said it with such happiness that I had to laugh. "O.K., back to seriousness, what would you do if you couldn’t find a family to adopt? There’s people out there who are gonna look at the file that says you got raped and the father killed a person and is in jail now."
"I don’t know what I would do if I couldn’t find a family. I really don’t know, but all I know is that I would never kill my child." After I told him this, we had another period of awkward silence.
It was broken when a basketball sailed over to us, and landed on the bleacher in front of me, and rolled under it. Ricky came over and first realized who I had been with the whole entire time, and was confused.
"I thought you two like hated each other or something…"
"We’re over it now," Jeff said, putting an arm around me and smiling. "We actually like each other now." Ricky turned to me, his face total astonished. I nodded.
"Does this have anything to do with the fact that you’re pregnant, Ginger?" Ricky asked.
"How did you find out?" I asked.
"I overheard Mrs. Stahl and Ms. Cummings talking. They mentioned it and I found it rather weird. So, does it have anything to do with it?"
"Does anyone else know?" I asked. "Anyone?"
"No, but it would be nice if you answered my question."
"Ricky just get the damn ball and stop talking!" Jason yelled. Ricky got the ball and threw it over to Jason before sitting down on the bleachers.
"Yeah, I guess it does," Jeff stated, shrugging. "Actually, I know it does. I got a new kind of respect for her now, and I really don’t want to hurt her anymore than I already have."
"How long are you gonna be in jail?" Ricky asked.
"How did you know that?" Jeff asked.
"It’s surprising the things I know that no one else does." Jeff rolled his eyes.
"Go away Ricky, I came to spend time with her, not you," he stated, joking.
"Well I know when I’m not wanted!" Ricky said, huffing. "Go back to your little conversation, have fun and remember, no public displays of affection!" Ricky ran back over to the basketball game. I shook my head.
"Today was one of my better days," I told my mom when I got into the car when she picked me up. Glancing outside, I saw a cop put Jeff in the back of a squad car.
"Why?" she asked.
"Besides the fact that I have all my friends pissed at me cause I won’t tell them what’s going on, Jeff was allowed to come here today. We spend basically the whole day just talking. I really like him now."
My mother gave me a strange look. She was confused. "We’re actually really good friends right now," I told her. She only shrugged.
"Brian called today," my mother told me. I gasped and asked her what she told him. "I told him you were out. He said that he’ll be in town for a week cause they’ll be doing a concert at USF. Ginger, what is with you and famous people?"
"I don’t know," I said, smiling. "Did he leave me a number?"
"Yeah, I wrote it down somewhere. It’s at home." She turned onto the street, heading for home. "Who is he?" she asked. "I know he’s famous cause I don’t think many people do a concert at USF."
"He’s Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys," I told her.
"Brian Littrell of the Backstreet Boys is 24. You’re 13," she told me, glancing over.
"He doesn’t know that," I told her, smiling.
"Than what does he know?" she asked.
I reached in my purse and pulled out my fake ID, showing it to her. "I made it when you made me stay the day with Aunt Monica."
"Really?"
"He thinks you’re my sister who’s in college."
"Younger sister?" she asked.
"Yeah." She smiled.
"Good girl." She gave me five and continued on driving. I guess people are right when they say I have a cool mom.
"You’re not gonna tell him about anything are you?" I asked. She shook her head. "At least I don’t have to worry about you squealing on me," I told her, sighing.
"Are you gonna tell him about the baby?"
"No."
"Are you gonna tell him about Jeff?"
"No."
"How bout Zac?"
"No."
"Good girl."
"Hey, what he doesn’t know won’t hurt anyone, right?" I asked her. We stopped for a red light. She turned to me, smiling.
"Right."
I gave her another high five. "You feel daring?" she asked. I nodded. Quickly my mother looked around for cops, and then ran right through the red light, just barely missing all the cars that were coming by.
I guess I do have a cool mom.