"What the hell are you doing?"
It was the first words Isaac had said to Zac since he'd gotten there three days previous. Zac was taking advantage of his free time to write a letter back home, specifically to Madison. The first three days were just as bad as Zac had thought they would be; death all around him, bullets flying, and his brother had all but abandoned him. The only reason he'd made it this far was because everyone knew who he was and wanted to protect him at all costs.
"I'm writing a letter to my girlfriend," Zac said, moving the paper away from his brother's eye, "and I'll mind you to not look."
"Do you love your girlfriend, Zac?" Isaac asked.
"Of course I love her."
"Then do her a favor," he said, taking the piece of paper and ripping it in half, "and don't write to her. It'll be better for her and you if you don't write home." Zac grabbed both halves of the piece of paper and eyed his brother.
"Is that why you never wrote home?"
"Yes."
"You weren't doing anybody a favor, Ike. Every day I wondered whether or not you were alive. Everybody's worried about you. Everyone's wondering the same thing. All you're doing is causing them heartache and pain."
"What do you think is more painful? Not writing home or this?" Isaac gestured to their surroundings. "Nobody needs to know what's going on around us. Nobody needs to know that in the past three days we've received fifty recruits and forty-two of them have died. They don't need to see what we see. We're protecting them by not telling them what's happened."
"If Madison knows what's going on, she'll use it to her advantage and get us out of here faster."
"I've been here for over two years, Zac. It doesn't matter if I get out of here tomorrow or another two years from now. To most of these people, if you've been here one day, you can face the rest of eternity here. That's because a day feels like eternity."
"Well I'd rather go home tomorrow."
"That's because you're a fucking pansy and you haven't even begun to know what war is like. You have people guarding you left and right. You haven't killed anybody because someone else will do it for you. The only reason you haven't died is because of who you are."
"I never asked to come here, Ike," Zac said, folding up the two halves of ripped paper and putting them in his pocket. "I never asked for the president to hate me and send me here to get out of his way. That's the only reason I'm here�because of who I am."
"Why didn't you say you were a CO?" Isaac asked.
"I did. Smith doesn't care. He sent me here anyway. He specifically told me the only reason I'm here is because I've gotten in his way. It's only for four months, though. He'll be gone by January."
"What makes you think that?"
"I've influenced 90 percent of the country, Ike. They're all voting for Davis and he's a good friend of mine; his first order of business is to bring us all home. We should be home by January."
"Don't get your hopes up, Zac. What if this Davis guy doesn't do what he says he'll do?"
"Why wouldn't he?"
"You never know. He could just be saying that to get elected. For all you know he could further involve us in this stupid war." Zac refused to listen any longer.
"I think I know Davis a little bit better than you do, Ike," Zac said. "I'm going to write my letter, I'm going to say what I want to say, and I'll believe what I want to believe."
"All right, Zac."
"And honestly, do you think God would�"
"God doesn't exist. Not here."
Zac shut his mouth.
Maddie,
I miss you! Things over here are�well�they're here. It's exactly what I expected it would be. I'm doing just fine here, nothing's really happened just yet. The only thing I'm surprised about is how much down time we have. It seems as though we're never doing anything. It only makes the day spread out longer and it seems like I've been here a few weeks instead of a few days. But I have some good news! Everybody likes good news. Ike is here. I walked in and he was just turning around�he's healthy, although not so happy, but he's just fine. We were all so worried about him. It turns out the only reason he didn't write home was because he thinks he was "protecting" us from what was going on here. He actually tore up my first draft because he didn't want me to write home. I told him I was going to do it anyway and he's mad at me.
He doesn't like that I'm here. Apparently about eighty percent of all new recruits die within their first week of being here and he was afraid that would happen to me. I'm still here, I'm still kicking, and I'm going to stay this way. Tell Smith to kiss my ass because he can't kill me no matter how hard he tries. I have a group of people who protect me when we're actually fighting�it's so weird. Back home I was trying to protect them and they're here protecting me. They all know me and they don't want me to get hurt so they're putting their lives in danger so I'm okay. For the first time I actually know why I did what I did. It's for these people. I can actually see them now and talk to them now. It only makes me want to beat Smith even more.
I met up with some South Korean people and they actually don't like me. It's the first time I've met people like that. I introduced myself with the small amount of Korean that I know (Taylor was right, learning some Korean before I came here was a good idea) and once I said my name they went off on me. I recognized some Korean expletives that I've heard Taylor use around Zo� when he didn't want her to know that he was swearing, but mostly I didn't understand it. I heard some phrases here and there and pretty much they don't like me because they're afraid they're going to lose the war if the US troops leave. It almost makes me want to re-think about what I'm doing. Almost. I explained to them in English that if they wanted to win the war they could do so and they could do so without any help. They didn't understand. Isaac was with me and he explained it to them (he speaks fluent Korean now) and they yelled more expletives at me. I left quickly.
I'm anxious to come home. I don't want to be here any longer. It's really bad. I can understand why Taylor has so many flashbacks. He's gone through things I haven't and I don't want to. I still think he needs help, though. He'll never admit it and I'm sure once I get home I'll need help too, but I'll never admit it. I know Isaac will. He does now. He's not the same person he was. He's nowhere near the same person. He's so�secluded now. He doesn't joke around, he doesn't do anything Ike used to do. I hate that. I don't even know my own brother anymore. I guess it's being here two years that's affecting him. Maybe it's something else.
But, anyway ���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������.
Did you tell anybody about our engagement? I kind of wanted it to be this huge special thing and we'd walk into my home and announce to everyone that we were engaged, but Smith had other things in mind. I guess we're stuck with what we've got. I'm sorry it wasn't the best thing ever, but hey�I made you cry. I did my part.
���������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������������.
All my Love,
Zac
Madison read over the letter in her hands. Damn censors! Two whole paragraphs were blacked out. She had no idea if it was something worthwhile in those paragraphs or if the censors were just being stupid and blacking out what they felt like blacking out. She didn't bother to think about it any longer.
She walked out of her room in the Hanson home and went downstairs. The letter was mailed to her home in Ohio but she'd told her parents if she got any letters to forward them here. She wasn't about to go home and do nothing when she could have a very active life here at the Hanson house. There was always something happening here. With seven kids, well, five kids, there was always something interesting going on. This morning Avery had fallen off her bike and broke her arm. They'd just gotten home from the hospital when they got the mail and sure enough, Madison had a letter from Zac. From the date on the letter and the current date, it'd been about a week and half since Zac had mailed it. Anything could have happened in a week and half but she wouldn't let herself think about it.
"Hey Ma," Madison yelled. "I got a letter from Zac!" She ran downstairs and found Diana in the kitchen. She was always in the kitchen. With as many people in this house as there was, she was always feeding somebody in the kitchen.
"What, dear?" Diana asked. "I couldn't hear you over the fan." She was cooking and the fan above the stove was on.
"I got a letter from Zac," she said, handing the letter over to Diana. "Some of it's censored out but most of it's still there." Diana smiled widely and opened the letter.
"Stir this for me, honey," she said. Madison took over at the stove while Diana went to the table, reading the letter. "Oh! He's with Ike!"
"I know, isn't that wonderful?" Diana nodded and continued to read. Taylor walked into the kitchen as Diana was finishing up. "Hey," Madison said. "I got a letter from Zac if you want to read it."
"How come you got a letter and I didn't?" he asked, walking over to his mother. She finished and handed it to him.
"I'm more important than you are," Madison said. "Duh." He stuck his tongue out at her and she rolled her eyes. Diana took over again at the stove and Madison sat at the kitchen table with Taylor.
"He's with Ike?" Taylor asked. Madison nodded. Taylor made a face.
"What's the face for?"
"Well he's not exactly stationed in the best place�"
"But he's with Ike. Ike will take care of him." Taylor sighed. He gave the letter back to Madison. "I have a phone call to make. I'll be back for dinner." Madison stood up and left the room. Diana looked down at her son.
"Something wrong?" she asked. Taylor shook his head.
"No."