I woke up and looked around. Nic wasn't here yet. That was odd. She was always here when I wake up. Well, I must be early. Or she's late. One of the two.
Over the past five days in the hospital, I've gotten closer to Nic that I ever was before. Last year I shared a room with her, yeah, but she wasn't next to me from the moment I woke up to the moment I fell asleep at night.
She's been awesome to me. She's doing everything for me and being the best friend anyone could ever have. She's so paranoid over me; it's hilarious. If I shift in my bed she has to make sure I'm fine and that I wasn't uncomfortable.
Every day it's the same thing. Wake up at six, eat at seven then take a nap at eight until about ten. At noon is lunch. Sometimes I take a nap in the afternoon; it all depends on how I'm feeling. We have discovered that if I don't take a nap in the morning, I'm tired at lunch and I can't sleep because I have to eat and I get irritable.
Today my parents, Darling and Isaac are stopping by for lunch. I really don't want to see my parents, but Nic insists that I do. I don't want them to worry about me. I'm fine, I'm getting stronger and the doctor says I can go home soon. I'm not improving as well as I should, though. The doctor says I should be close to seventy-five percent better, but he says I'm only half better. Whatever. I think I'm doing just fine. I can't do anything else to make myself get better faster. I'm doing what I can, but apparently it's not enough. I really don't care that I'm behind. Everything's on hold until I get well enough to play again. We're at the height of our career, I'm sure people will wait a few weeks more for us.
The door opened and Nic came in. She looked surprised to see me awake. "How are you feeling today, honey?" she asked. She put her stuff down and kissed me before sitting down.
"I'm better."
"Have you been up long?" she asked. I shook my head. "Good. Are you okay? Anything I can get you?" She just walked in the door and already she was asking.
"Not now. Did you get my drawing stuff?" I asked. She nodded. I'm surprised I didn't ask for it sooner, but I've just been so busy with scratching my ass...no, not really.
"Yeah, I got it all right here. You want it?" Well duh.
"Yeah." She got out my stuff and put it on my tray. This tray is really handy, it is just there when I need it. I want to bring it home. I eat on it, I can play cards or write or whatever right here on this handy dandy tray table. Hey! Maybe I could make an infomercial or something. Do you hate having to write on your leg or having your dinner wobble in your lap? Here's the best thing since sliced bread! The portable tray table! It has a thousand uses! Okay, I have way too much time on my hands. I let out a breath. Yup, I have way too much time on my hands.
I looked over at Nic. She was reading her magazine, a large window behind her with doctors scurrying around. That'd be perfect for a portrait. Inspiration! "I'm going to draw you," I told her.
"Okay," she said, awkwardly smiling. "Any way you want me to pose?"
"Just read your magazine." She looked uncomfortable as I began to quickly sketch her. I guess I would be too, knowing someone was scrutinizing me so they could transfer me to paper. That's why I decided to do it quickly, so she wouldn't feel uncomfortable for too long. As I took her image in, I smiled. "You look beautiful today, Nic."
"You say that every day."
"It doesn't make it any less true." I saw a blush rise in her cheeks, but I kept sketching. I looked down at my paper. I had enough of her that I needed. "Okay, I'm done."
"You're done?" she asked, surprised. "How could you be done already?"
"Well I did all I need you for. I just sketched it. I don't need you to pose for me to color it in."
"Can I see?"
"Not yet. Not until I'm done."
"Fine." I knew she was antsy to see it, but she'd have to wait. I started drawing the background scenery�her chair, the rest of the room, and the large window. I grabbed another pencil and started to sketch the outside life of the people here at the hospital.
"Are you sure you're okay?" she asked. Okay, this is getting annoying. "There's nothing you need?"
"You're becoming obsessive, Nic," I said, not lifting my eyes from my drawing. "If I need something, I'll let you know."
"All right." When I ran out of things to sketch, I got antsy. Not from the painting, from today. My parents and all. What time were they coming in?
"What time is it, babe?" I asked.
"Six-thirty."
"What time will everyone get here?" I was really nervous about seeing my parents, but I had a reason to. They thought I stopped the drugs, but here I was, in the hospital because of them.
"Well," Nic said, "your parents' flight comes in at eleven, and you know they're always delayed, so maybe noon. We're all going to have a nice hospital food lunch." I made a face.
"Ugh, I'm sick of starchy mashed potatoes and Jell-o," I whined.
"You'll be out of here soon, honey," she said. I couldn't wait to get out of here.
"I hope so."
"I really think you should take a nap before they get here. You're going to get tired and I know you don't want to cut their visit short."
"I'll do that later." I take a nap every morning anyway.
"How about eight?" she asked. "That gives you two hours to finish that and eat breakfast."
"Okay." I looked over at her. "You take such good care of me."
"I know what I'm doing. We've been here five days. I know what you're like."
"Thank God it's you and not Lauryn. It's bad enough I'm sharing a room with her. I don't need her to take care of me." She wouldn't know how to anyway. I saw Nic stifle a yawn. "Nic, you're here whenever I'm awake. When do you have time for yourself? You must go home sometime."
"I go home when you're sleeping at night. See, you go to sleep at nine and wake up between six and seven. I leave here around ten to make sure you're asleep and don't wake up. Then until twelve I do errands, I get magazines for myself and get whatever you ask. I usually drive until three or four, just thinking, until I go back to the hotel and sleep for a bit. I get here about six every day." What a way to live. I know how sleep deprivation can affect a person. If she's doing this every night, she's going to crash soon.
"Nic, you should sleep more than that."
"I can't sleep any more than that. I'm not tired at all. I'm too worried to be tired."
"Well it makes me feel bad. I'm sleeping all the time and you get about an hour a night. Listen, Nic, I don't think I'm the one who should take a nap before they get here. I think you should."
She almost snorted at the thought. "Who's going to do everything for you if I'm asleep?" she asked.
"I will. A nurse will." This time she did snort. "Just give me your watch. I'll take my nap at eight. If you're not up by eleven, I'll throw something at you."
"Zac, where am I going to sleep anyway?" I knew she didn't want to leave me alone, that was the problem.
"There's another bed over there. You can sleep over there. I'll finish your picture; the nurse will give me my breakfast...come on. You've taken care of me nearly twenty-four hours a day for the past week. It's my turn to take care of you. Now go to sleep."
"Zac, no. You need someone�"
"No I don�t. It's just for a little while. These people here are supposed to take care of me. You'll be back up and running by the time everyone gets here, and you'll have more energy."
"Zac..."
"Shut up and go to sleep!"
"Fine. But I want to see my picture done by the time I'm awake." She put her watch on the counter. "You promise you'll take your nap?"
"Yes! Yes! Now go to sleep, babe." She stood up. "Goodnight."
"Goodnight," she said and gave me a kiss before she went across the room and laid on the bed. I went back to my painting. I colored it a bit until it was time for my breakfast.
At seven o'clock, I pressed the nurse's button and waited patiently until one came by. "May I help you?" she asked.
"Yeah, Nic is asleep today so could you get my breakfast for me?" I asked. God, could I sound any more like a four-year-old?
"Sure." She left and came back a few minutes later with my breakfast.
"Okay, I have a question," I said, looking at my breakfast. "It's breakfast. I'd figure I get like cereal or something. Why do I have peas?" The idea of peas at breakfast was completely ridiculous to me, but it was a hospital, so it has to be weird.
"I don't know what to tell you, that's just what I got."
"Thanks anyway." She left. This food is disgusting. I don't know how I stuff it down without throwing it back up again. I guess it's all part of my charm.
Okay, so as I'm throwing this food down my throat, I'm growing more and more nervous about my parents coming. I actually contemplated waking Nic up, but she looked so peaceful over there asleep. It's not that I hate my parents, or that I'm afraid they're going to lash out and hurt me, it's that I hate to disappoint them. They're not really the yelling and punishing type. The one thing I just hope they don't say it 'I don't know what to do with you.' It's like they've given up all hope of me ever being clean again.
I wasn't always a bad kid. Before, the worst thing I would do is not clean my room. Now, now I happened to be into drugs and alcohol and sex and everything. I'm not so bad. Maybe one of theses days I'll give it all up...maybe.
At eight o'clock, I tried to take a nap. I really, really tried, but it didn't work. So, I gave up. Nic is going to be mad at me, but I guess I'm so used to my goodnight kiss and her watching over me that it won't happen without it. I wasn't going to wake her up just to help me sleep, so I didn't take my nap.
Okay, it's 10:14 and seventeen seconds right now. I finished Nic's painting an hour ago and I am so bored! I'm sitting here, watching the seconds go by on Nic's watch. I could paint Nic asleep, but she would not like that, so I decided against it. I have no other ideas, and I can't reach Nic's bag without falling out of the bed, which wouldn't be good. First off, I wouldn�t be able to get back on the bed by myself, and all my tubes and wires would come out. The doctors will think I'm flat-line and rush in here, just for me to say 'No, my monitor just fell off,' and it would wake up Nic. So I'll just sit and watch the seconds go by.
At eleven-fifteen, I picked up a pea from my plate. I ate everything except the peas, which I plan on throwing at Nic to wake her up. Yeah, I could just yell at her, but I'd rather do this. The yelling would probably be easier and require less energy on my part, but I'm me and this is how I work.
I threw a pea at Nic. It completely missed her. This is why I'm a musician and not an athlete. I suck at throwing. I have no aim whatsoever. But I have like a million peas here, so I'm bound to hit her sometime. I just hope that hitting her once will wake her up.
I picked up another pea and threw it at her. I missed again. So, I grabbed a handful. One of them is bound to hit her, right? Wrong! I missed completely.
"Hey Nic!" Well, she still didn't move. Back to the peas. I picked another one up and continued to launch them at her. Fifteen minutes later I still hadn't hit her. Damn, I really suck. I'll try one more time. Aim�throw! All right! I am so good! Smack dab right in the middle of the forehead. Now will she wake up? She better, I only have a few peas left. I looked over and saw one of her eyes open. Oh, I am so good.
"What time is it?" she asked.
"Eleven-thirty. I've been trying to wake you up for the past fifteen minutes. I'm almost out of peas." She rolled her eyes and sat up. The whole right side of her hair was messed up. "Whoa, nice hair babe."
"Shut up." She ran her hands through her hair but it didn't help. "Am I any better?"
"Not really. Come here." She walked over and I fixed her hair. I forgot how soft it was. "Your hair is really soft. Has it always been this way?" I don't think I remember it being this soft.
"You don't remember? You used to run your hands through it every night before you went to bed because you liked it so much." Oh yeah...that seemed like it was ages ago when I used to be with her.
"I remember now. Running my hands through your hair was one of my favorite pastimes."
"It was." I remember when I used to be able to do that whenever I wanted�to hold her and kiss her whenever I wanted because I knew she was mine. God, I miss that. But everything had to be so complicated. I wasn't with her, as much as it may have seemed like it these past few days. I don't have her. Taylor has her. I'm stuck with Lauryn.
"I miss you, you know," I told her.
"I know. I miss you too."
"Why aren't we together?"
"Because you're with Lauryn." I don't want to be with Lauryn. I don�t even like her. I made a face of disgust, letting her know I really didn't want to be with her anymore. She looked up at me. "Zac, I think I lost that necklace you gave me."
"You did? Well you know what that means," I said, smiling.
"I have to break up with Taylor and go out with you. And I'll do it too."
"When I get out of here, I'm going to kick Lauryn out. Send her back home. I want you to come in my room. You know how to take care of me."
"All right."
"And since you're coming in to take care of me, you might as well stay for the rest of the tour," I said. I figured I could just casually slip that in there.
"So you're asking me to be your girlfriend?" she asked, grinning.
"Well, you have to be anyway. You lost the bet."
"Okay." At least she wasn't disagreeing with me. Her eyes shifted to the counter. "Is that my picture?"
"Yeah. It's done." She picked it up and looked at it. She got obviously lost in it, sitting in somewhat of a trance for a few minutes. I couldn't read the expression on her face, so I couldn't tell if she liked it or what. I'm assuming she did, because she liked all my work.
"Do you like it?" I asked. "You've been staring at it for the past five minutes."
"It takes that long to have everything sink in. I love it. I think it's brilliant." I had to stop myself from rolling my eyes.
"You think everything I do is brilliant." I was getting sick of that word. So I have a talent! I don't consider any of my work brilliant. Half of it I think is pure crap, while others consider it masterpieces. Well, I guess that's for them to decide.
"That doesn't make it any less true." She put the picture on the counter.
"You can have that one if you want it," I said. I knew she wanted it. She wanted all my work.
"I want all your work." Told you.
"I'd give it to you if it wasn't all sold." The door opened and Darling looked in. They're here? They're here already? I'm not ready to face them yet! No, send everyone back home. They can come in three weeks when I'm all better again.
"We're here...you ready for us?" No! No I'm not ready! But when Nic looked at me, I could only nod.
"Yeah," she said. "You can come in." I held my breath as my parents, Darling, and Isaac walked in. Oh God, why did they have to see me like this? Can I just crawl under a rock and die right now?
"Breathe, honey," Nic whispered. I rubbed the back of my beck uncomfortably as a silence filled the room. I didn't know what to say. What do you say in a situation like this? There should be a book for this. 'Appropriate sayings for awkward situations.' It could be a best-seller.
Before I knew it, Mom had run over and flung her arms around me. I held her tightly. How long had it been since I had my mom hug me? It's been a very long time. I've been running scared all this time too, and now I didn't feel so scared. I still felt like I let her down, though. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'm really sorry."
"It's okay, baby. Just don't ever scare us like that again." Dad walked over as Mom sat on the edge of my bed, a protective arm still around me.
"You really did scare us, Zac," he said.
"I didn't mean to," I admitted. "I didn't want to upset anyone. I shouldn�t have done it, I know, it was stupid but I'm okay now. Nic's taking real good care of me. She pretty much hasn't left my side since I got here." Everyone looked at Nic.
"Okay, he didn't let me go anywhere. Stop looking at me like I'm a hero or something," she said, trying to draw the attention away from herself.
"Have you been back to the hotel?" Mom asked.
"Yeah, I go every night while he's asleep. I leave here around ten and come back around six."
"Well, it seems like you've been doing a good job." I saw Nic blush.
"That's just because she's obsessive over making sure I'm all right," I said, giving Nic a pointed look. "But I'm all right. I'm ready to get out of here. I want to get rid of hospital food and get some grease back in my diet."
"Honey, you can't eat that stuff. You have to worry about your cholesterol," Mom said, rubbing my shoulder. What? They didn't know why I was here? Oh my God, time to freak out now. No wonder they were giving me such confused looks earlier.
"Cholesterol? My cholesterol is just fine. I had a blood test; that's fine. That's not why I had a heart attack." I looked at Nic. "You didn't tell them why?"
"I didn't talk to them. Darling did," she said. I looked at Darling.
"You didn't say why? Did you lie or did you just not say anything?" I asked. I didn't want to tell them. I mean, it was bad enough if they came in already knowing, now I had to tell them.
"I didn't say anything," Darling told me. "The reason why completely slipped my mind. I'm sorry. I didn't think of it!" Ugh, I didn't want to do this.
"Mom, Dad, I hate to say this to you," I said, lowering my eyes, "but I didn't have a heart attack for the normal reasons. I had a cocaine overdose." Okay, I'm waiting for it. I'm waiting for the disappointment. The 'I don't know what to do with you,' and the feeling of guilt that was worse than any punishment.
"Drugs? Oh Zac..." I saw my mother shake her head. Oh God, that shake of the head made dirt better than me. "I thought you were over that." Now I'd have to give a reason to defend myself.
"I thought I was too, but I did it. I can't tell you why I did it, because I really don't know. I was upset, and it was there. I didn't know how much was too much, and I ended up here. I'm sorry."
"We're going to have to send you to rehab, aren't we?"
"No," Nic said. I didn't expect her to say anything. "No, he doesn't need to go to rehab. This is once in a year, they wouldn't even admit him. I'll help him out. Trust me, you don't need to spend all that money to have him go through that much pain." I knew Nic had been to rehab twice, and I personally didn't want to go where she'd been. She said so much about that place...it seemed too much for me.
"I take it you've been in rehab before?" Mom asked.
"We're not talking about me here." Nic looked away. I guess she didn't want to think about it either.
"Zac, where did you get the coke anyway?" Isaac asked. "Don't tell me you went out and got some."
"No! I went in the girls' room. They had it." Shit. I just ratted out the girls. Good one, Zac! Now that you've revealed your source, the girls will get kicked off the tour.
"They had it? I told them to get rid of it!" I only shrugged. I didn't hear anything about them having to get rid of it. I just hoped he wasn't too pissed off at them, or me. "I'm going for lunch. Anyone else care to join me?"
"Well go," Darling said. Dad, Darling and Isaac left, and Nic got up to go with them. That meant I had to stay here alone with my mother. I don't think so.
"Nic�"
"I'm going to get your lunch. You need some time with Mom. I'll be right back, I promise."
"You're going to get my lunch and come right back, right?" I asked, to make sure she didn't do anything else.
"Yes, I'll come right back."
"And you're going to run, right?
"I'm not going to run, Zac. I'll be back, don't fret."
"I'm fretting now!" I complained.
"You're silly. I'll be right back." She kissed my forehead and left the room. I'm sure I offended Mom, but I was afraid to be alone with her.
"I'm sorry, Mom. I didn't mean to disappoint you."
"It's okay, Zac. I know all this can be hard sometimes, but there shouldn't be any drugs available to you. The girls are the only ones who use it. Maybe we should send them home for the rest of the tour."
"But�but they're my girls! It wouldn't be a tour without my girls!"
"Yes, but looked what happened when they were here! Listen, honey, I know they're your best friends, but you have to start thinking about what you're doing," Mom said, brushing my hair out of my face. I was coming close to pouting again.
"Well what if I get them to stop? If I can get rid of the drugs, can they stay? Please?" I couldn't get rid of my girls. Michelle was my everything here. Over the past couple of years, people come and go but she's always there.
"Well see, Zac."
I knew what that meant. My girls were as good as gone.
Chapter Nineteen
Chapter Index