Cookies & Ice Cream
Chapter
Four
(Back to Belle and Shawn)
"Get out."
Shawn crossed his arms but did not move. "I just wanted to explain a few
things."
Belle shook her head and pointed towards the elevator. "There's nothing to
explain, except the meaning of the phrase 'Get Out.' I told you I never wanted
to see you again, and I don't."
Belle grabbed her backpack and pushed past Shawn to stick her key in the door.
"Belle... Please... If you ever really loved me, you'll listen to what I
have to say."
She paused for a moment and took her key out of the lock. Belle slowly turned to
Shawn and crossed her arms over her chest. "I can't believe you. Using the
way I feel about you to keep me from walking through this door. I guess you
still know what buttons to push."
"I'm sorry... I just... Please hear me out."
Belle nodded and motioned for him to continue. Shawn took a moment to gather his
thoughts and then lifted his head to look into her eyes.
"I came here to tell you how sorry I am. I know that I could tell you that
a million times and it would never make up for what I did to you. But, I am
sorry. If I could go back and change things, I would, but I can't. I wasn't
thinking when I made these decisions, and my intentions were good, but I guess I
didn't realize what kind of impact they would make on everyone else. When I
think about what you must be going through, I feel like I'm dying inside."
Shawn paused and wiped his steadily flowing tears away with the back of his
hand. "I love you, Belle... And, I know that you love me. But, I took that
love and I threw it away. And that makes me the biggest idiot on the face of the
earth."
Belle nodded slowly, her lips pursed together in anger. "Well, you're
right. You're right about all of that, but you left a few things out."
"I know..."
Belle shook her head and interrupted him angrily. "No, you don't know. You
haven't even paused for a moment and thought about what I have been going
through, so don't say that you have. If you had stopped to think about how your
actions would affect the people you love, then maybe this would be different
right now."
"I didn't know what else to do. Jan was going to have an abortion, and I
couldn't let that baby die."
"She manipulated you, Shawn. She used you, and your friendship, to get
attention. Don't you ever tell me again that this was the only way, because I
know better. I've known your family my entire life, and I know that if you told
your parents that your friend was in need, they would have helped Jan no matter
what. No questions asked. You didn't have to claim to be the baby's father. You
didn't have to lie to me and everyone else."
Shawn looked downward and his tears kept falling. "I'm so sorry... I tried
so hard to do the right thing, and it ended up being for nothing. The baby died
anyway, and I lost everything... My parents are so angry with me, you hate me, I
have no friends, and J.T. is gone... Nothing, I have nothing."
"Shut up, Shawn... Just shut up for a minute." Shawn looked back up at
her in surprise and Belle continued, her voice rising with anger. "Don't
say anything else, because nothing you can say can fix this. You keep trying to
justify your actions to me, but I don't care. You're right, you have lost
everything... and maybe that's for the best. Maybe you'll learn a little bit
about yourself with all this new alone time you have. I'm trying to feel
something for you, pity or sympathy, but I can't feel anything. I love you,
Shawn; I can't stop that from being true... But, I hate you too."
"I know you do. And I feel so awful for what I've done."
Belle shook her head and put a hand out to stop him. "Why don't you take a
second and think about how awful I feel. Because, all I've heard since this
started is how sorry YOU are, and how bad YOU feel. Let me explain a few things
to you, Shawn. Let me finally have MY say."
Shawn nodded and motioned for her to continue. Belle took a moment to gather her
thoughts; she was not going to let Shawn bring her to tears again. She spoke
slowly, chose her words carefully, and made sure to emphasize her anger.
"Let's see, where do I begin? You tell me that you had sex with Jan, and
she's having your baby. Do you know how that made me feel? Completely worthless.
Like... I'm not good enough for you, I wasn't enough for you. I felt like
everything we had was a lie, Shawn, and I thought this happened because of ME. I
thought that Jan gave you something that I couldn't, and I blamed myself."
Shawn frowned; her words were clearly getting to him. "But, none of that
was true... If anything, I'm one that wasn't good enough for you."
Belle rolled her eyes and huffed in anger. "Whatever... The point is, what
you did to me, made me feel like the lowest person on earth. And, then, when I
was finally starting to convince myself that it wasn't my fault, and it was safe
to believe in love again... You stood in this very same hallway and accused me
of killing Jan's baby."
"I'm sorry about that too... I was so confused, I didn't know what to
believe."
"Why? Why was this so confusing for you? Why did you even have to make a
decision? You have known me my entire life, Shawn... I have never ever hurt
someone the way that you accused me of. I've never even hit another person or
pushed them. I would have never put Jan or her baby in danger, and if I had
thought that they were I would have gotten them help."
Shawn nodded in understanding. "I know... I know that now."
Belle threw her hands up in frustration. "What does it matter NOW? You
should have known it then. I have never lied to you, not even a tiny white lie,
in all the years that we have known each other. But, you believed and you
trusted in Jan. The same Jan who dropped pig's blood on Phillip and Chloe, the
same Jan who put a hidden camera in the showers so that she could make money off
of Chloe's naked body on the internet. The same Jan who has never done anything
but lie for her entire life. This is the person you choose to trust? This is a
person you suddenly expect honesty from? Do you even understand how that might
make ME feel?"
"I... I don't know what to say to make this better. I don't know what to
do. You have to tell me what I can do to fix things."
Belle sighed and her voice grew even louder. "Nothing... You. Can't. Do.
Anything. It's not going to go away, and I'm not going to feel better."
The door to Belle's house opened and her father stood in the doorway with one
eyebrow raised. "What's going on out here? Your mother and I heard
yelling."
Belle pointed towards Shawn and answered. "Nothing, dad. He was just
leaving as a matter of fact."
John nodded and looked towards Shawn. "Good, because you're not welcome in
my home or anywhere near my daughter. Do you understand?"
Shawn nodded and looked John in the eyes. "Yes, yes sir."
Shawn didn't look towards Belle, he just turned and pressed the button on the
elevator. Belle stopped him with the sound of her voice.
"Shawn... Wait a second..."
Shawn turned and looked at her expectantly, and she continued. "I forgot...
There are two things I forgot to tell you."
"What? What is it?"
Belle sighed quietly, her expression softening for just a second. "I'm
sorry about J.T. I really really am. I'm going to miss him too."
Shawn wiped a tear away and nodded. "Thank you... What's the other
thing?"
Belle's body shifted, her posture stiffened and she crossed her arms over her
chest and gave him a steely gaze. "Stay away from me. I want to remember
the Shawn Brady I used to know. The one that I loved, and trusted. The one that
would never lie to me. Or at least I thought so. What you've become... isn't the
same person at all. I don't want to talk to you and I don't want to see you
again. As far as I'm concerned, you no longer exist to me. I need to move on
with my life, and the only way I can do it is to completely forget about you.
So, please forget about me too, live your life, be happy and pretend that you
never knew me."
Shawn nodded in understanding, and tried to keep himself from crying again. He
had done this to himself, and could no longer blame anyone else for his
problems. The elevator opened in front of him, and he stepped inside without
saying a word to Belle. The doors closed and Belle watched his face disappear
behind them.
She managed to smile slightly as he disappeared and quietly whispered to
herself. "Goodbye, Shawn..."
Belle turned to look at her father, who had a clear expression of concern on his
face. "Belle... Are you alright?"
Belle nodded and hugged her father tightly. "Yeah, daddy... I'm fine. I
just did what I had to do. I was so sick of crying all the time over what
happened... I had to find a way to end it, so I could try to move on with my
life."
John smiled proudly at her. "You're a very strong girl, Izzy B. You make me
proud."
Belle smiled back at him in appreciation. "Thank you..."
"Now, come on inside... If I'm not mistaken, it's almost past your
bedtime."
Belle grinned and followed her father inside. "Awww... Dad... I'm a little
too old to have a bedtime."
Belle headed for the stairs and her father frowned at her. "Please, humor
your father for at least a few more months. Pretend like you're still a kid
until you go off to college."
Belle nodded and jokingly saluted him. "Sir, yes, sir... I'm off to bed
then. Good night, dad."
John laughed softly and bid her good night. "Sleep tight, kiddo."
Belle turned and headed up the stairs to her room, closing the door behind her.
She sighed sadly and stood frozen with the doorknob in her hand. Her insides
felt cold, and she knew that no matter how many times she said it out loud, she
would never be able to forget Shawn. But, she couldn't spend the rest of her
life pining for him either.