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| My Journey to Conceive |
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| October 8th- Still NOTHING!!!!! I do not know whether to be upset or hopeful...... October 18th-FINALLY got my period again. WOW! Only 52 days in this cycle! Time to babydance!!!!!!!! October 18th-FINALLY got my period again. WOW! Only 52 days in this cycle! Time to babydance!!!!!!!! December 16, 2002- Well its been awhile since I wrote in here. We have been busy. We moved the week before Thanksgiving. We now live by the mountains. It is beautiful here, but lonley. We moved 8 hours away from any family, we know nobody here. It has been hard. I know that the Lord will sustain me and only give me what I can handle, but wow, this is hard. I miss my friends so very much. It is so strange to not have anyone to visit or call. I have never moved anywhere before like this. And still we are not pregnant. I find myself wondering if we will ever have more children. I long so much to have another. I know that our son would love a brother or sister. To make myself not think of it so much, I have consumed myself with things for my son. We go somewhere everyday. The YMCA for swimming, the library for Story Hour, the walking path to collect sticks, the stores around town to browse, the post office, he loves to get the mail. It is always something. I think I am trying hard to immerse myself in Charlie so I do not have to think about what I need. I need a friend. Life hurts. Sometimes it seems unbearable. And just when I think that I cannot go on, Charlie comes up to me and says something dear, like," Mommy you are my bestest friend." And then I know that I can go on. I have been praying for God to allow me to find peace with Him as my friend. I talk to Him about everything, but sometimes we just need God with skin on. We put up the tree and got Charlie some presents, and he is going to have a wonderful Christmas if it takes everything I have in me! He deserves that. I feel so guilty that I want another. I think that Charlie shoudl be enough, but I want more. He is such a great lil guy. And I wonder if at times I ignore him in my grief. I try not to, but..... Well, since we moved and Hubby changed jobs, we have put off any more doctoring. I was supposed to start Clomid the day we loaded up to move, so I cancelled it. I think it would have been too stressful to start it. So since the insurance is changing, I will not go the the Dr. here till it is effective. So we are in limbo AGAIN! Anyways, this is the most recent stuff that is happening here. |
| February 28th, 2003- I had a period on my own at the beginning of the month, what a miracle. Must be because I am exersizing and am more active now. That was great! We are sick here. Charlie and I have the fever/flu. ICK! We took a really long nap today. That was nice. I am really tired out and worn down. Amanda's 3rd Heavenly Birthday is comming up.....I have been a bit depressed about that. It is March 2nd. I wonder what we will do to remember her. I wonder if anyone in real life will remember??? We shall see..... I have joined a really awesome online support group. It is called Kota Press. I am adding a link to it, for if you want to go and check it out. It is a grief support group for women who have lost babies. It is so good for me. Well that is it.....just waiting on the ever-elusive period! March 2, 2003- Happy 3rd Heavenly Birthday Amanda Joy! We miss you and we love you! Charlie misses you lots, he talkes about you at times that it seems out of place....but you have a place in his heart too! March 2003- Skipped period this month April 1st 2003- my period must be my april fools gift....I thought that I might have been pregnant.....no such luck. |
| May 2nd 2003- had some spotting...thought it may be period, but not sure.....it was so light it wasn't even worth noting, but yet it was! May 12th-found out today that my SIL is pregnant. I am pretty depressed about that, since it is not me....this is the 2nd pregnancy I will have to watch her go thru since our loss. And no positives for me....boo hoo. Trying to keep the FAITH and HOPE!!!! July 13th 2003- got my period August 22nd 2003- very light period October 1st 2003 period October 14th 2003- Went to fertility specialist, Dr. Gill in Sheridan, WY. He spent about an hour talking to me and getting my medical history and then an exam.\ He put me on Lexipro for the depression, and on Metformin to help get pregnant. The side effect of Lexipro is it promotes ovulation! oh yeah! I will take that side effect!!! October 29th- had my first perfect 28 day cycle! This period was very light tho. Weird. Dec 6th- we moved into a different house today in Buffalo. I threw up this morning. Hmmm? My boobs have been extremely sore too! December 11th- Today I had a positive home pregnancy test! I cannot believe that it is true! The line is faint, so I am wondering if it is a false positive. |
| Dec 12th- Another positive hpt! I am pregnant!!!! Dec 18th Took another hpt just to be sure and it was POSITIVE again! I am planning on how to tell DH when he gets home! What a great Christmas present! December 20th- I have a very good friend, Tancy, and yesterday am she had her 3rd baby, 5th pregnnacy. She had a 9 lb 4 oz girl and named her Chloe Grace. So after I got off work at noon, I went over to visit and give a small gift. This baby is absolutely beautiful! I held her and wept and wept and wept. The room was full of people and I just sat there rocking this beautiful little creature with the softest skin I have ever felt and cried my heart out. I did not care one bit what the others thought, I just sobbed for about 30 minutes. When I left, I went in the parking lot and cried and cried..... I was soo happy for them, it was so weird, I have never done that before. I am so emotional about this baby! Tancy is one of those women who is made for having babies, 3 pushes and the baby was out! The Dr. didn't even make it! And on and on about the birth and all. And I sit there thinking to myself, I am never going to have that perfect birth! With Charlie I had to have a C-section. With Amanda Joy, sure she was born vaginally, but she was freaking DEAD!!! And with the next pregnancy, I will probably have to have a C-section, b/c they do not do vbac's here. Maybe that is what was upsetting me.....thinking that I will never have the perfect birth, unless I risk it and do a home birth....that is scarey! I would probably die. Anyways, yesterday was a totally emotional day for me. I couldn't believe how I cried. I havn't cried like that since before they put me on Lexipro. Today my eyes are swollen and they hurt! |
| December 21st-Today I lost the baby. I was almost 8 weeks. It started last night with a pink tinge and turned real pink, then red, then bright red this morning. I went into the Emergency room, and after a pelvic exam, a abdominal and vaginal ultrasound and a pee test that was neg. I was told that I had miscarried sometime between today and the 18th. I had tested again on the 18th at home and it was positive. So now I get to spend the Christmas holiday bleeding and cursing my body again. I am so disappointed. After trying for 3 1/2 years, our dream of another child had been coming true....until today. I hadn't even told Chuck that I was pregnant, I wanted to surprise him on Christmas with an awesome gift of a positive pregnancy test....so I had to call him today instead from the ER and tell him, guess what, I am pg, but losing it......life sucks for me again! I guess the holidays have turned into hellidaze for me...... Jan 1 2004 Happy New Year. I am praying for this new year to be the year that we get a new baby to hold and love and raise! Charlie is having a hard time with this loss. He has said things to me like "Will all our babies die?" It breaks my heart! |
| February 13th, 2003 Today is CD 54 after the miscarriage. I finally got AF!! For a bit there, I wondered, was it twins? Am I still pregnant with one? Or am I pregnant again? I was hopeful, but after 6 negative HPT's and finally getting AF, it is time to move on to a new cycle. A part of me is relieved to move on, and a part of me is sad to do so. |