Only Fools And Horses

Ashes To Ashes

EXT. A LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY. In among the general hustle and bustle of a busy market day, we see Del, Rodney and the suitcase. Del is trying to sell packets of women's tights. A tired Rodney is leaning against a wall and almost dropping off to sleep. Del Listen, now listen. 'Ere, why shed a tear over the recession when you've got me around, eh? Now just look what I've brought you today girls. Look at that, authentic French tights, alright? As worn by Sacha Distel's mum! No seriously - I'm being serious. Now they're 20 denier and they're sheer nylon, not only are they run proof but they're fun proof as well. Now listen, if I asked you for a pound a pair I'd get killed in the stampede wouldn't I? Yes, I would, I know, I can see your face but I'll tell you what I'm not asking you for a pound a pair, I'm not asking you for 80p a pair. What did you say? You'd give me 60p a pair would you love? Put your money away - put your money - I don't want 60p - I don't want 60p a pair. I want 50p a pair and I'm starving myself... Now come on. Ladies, 'ere I thought you, I thought you were bargain hunters. You ladies. Now look you can't even get these in the factory for 50p a pair. Oi Rodney, am I keeping you awake? Rodney No don't you mind me Del, you carry on. Del Listen I know the Government keeps asking us to save energy, but this is taking the piss! Rodney Look, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, worrying about all the trouble and what 'ave yer! Del Trouble. What trouble? Rodney Well last night I went round that bird Linda's house for the evening, right. And her mum and dad come home earlier than what we expected. Del Catch you at it, did they? Rodney Well no - you know they didn't actually catch us. It was all a bit of a panic though. Del So where does all the trouble come from then? Rodney Well as I was leaving, her dad just happened to notice I had me jeans on back to front. Del You had yer jeans on back to...Well what'd he say? Rodney He swore at me! Del Yeah I bet he did...I bet he didn't know whether you were coming or going! Trigger, who is the market road sweeper, is pushing his way along the kerb. Del Oh, hello Trigger. 'Ere, how's yer gran? Trigger Didn't you hear Del? The old girl passed on. Del Oh what a shame, I am sorry Trigger. Trigger Weren't your fault Del. The funeral's on Friday. You'll come won't you? Del Er, Friday's a bit difficult. I'm a bit tied up actually Trigger. Anyway you don't want a big crowd there do yer! Trigger There won't be a big crowd Del, I'm the only one who's going. Del Oh yeah, yeah, I'll come. I tell you what I'll bring Grandad and all. 'Cos he used to know your gran, didn't he? Rodney'll come as well. Rodney Eh? Trigger Cheers Del - appreciate it. Del That's alright. Trigger I'll tell you what, I'll order a car shall I? Del That's a good idea, Trigger. Trigger I'll see you at gran's house, 'bout ten o' clock. Del Alright - cheers. Trigger sweep on, up the road. Rodney Oi you, what's the idea of lumbering me with a funeral? Del He's a mate, isn't he? You wouldn't want him to go on his own would you? Rodney Well... Del No of course you wouldn't. Any- way going to a funeral'll be good practice for me and Grandad. Rodney Practice for what? Del For when that Linda's dad catches up with you. Rodney Now that is not funny Derek! Del Yeah I think it is - hilarious. Alright, come on then girls, 'ere we are, genuine French tights, as worn by Charles Aznavour's sister. INT. GRAN'S HOUSE. LOUNGE. DAY. The decor is a depressing grey with matching suicidal brown. The furniture is antique (in a Porobello Road sense). One of the paintings littering the walls is a print of the Mona Lisa and on the mantelpiece stands two matching china urns. Rodney and Grandad both in their funeral suits, are seated nervously. Del, in a brighter suit, is examining the furniture and paintings and mentally pricing them. Rodney is disgusted with Del's behavior. Del (Examining chair) It's Wedgewood. Rodney Wedgewood's pottery! Del Oh, is it? Oh yeah. I always got those two mixed up. That must have been why I couldn't sell that Chippendale teapot last week! Oh well. (Studies the Mona Lisa) Here - look at this over here - look. Look at that. It's a copy. (Del examines one of the urns) No, these are nice. Look at that - these are a nice, matching pair an' all. Grandad Talk about a vulture. Del No listen, Grandad. Look, Trigger's gran left him these in 'er will, right, and all this other stuff he wants to sell it, right. You know Trigger, he's not the bright- est thing in Christendom, is he eh? I mean, I know a lot of people are born an 'apenny short of a shilling but in Trigger's case God added VAT. Look, if he tries to take this lot up town he's going to get right taken in ain't he - eh? So I reckon it's much better that he gets - well, you know, stitched up by a friend rather than a stranger. Trigger enters. He is in a black suit and tie. Trigger I've put your coats in the bedroom. Fancy a drink? Grandad No. Trigger (To Rodney) Dave? Del Just a small large one, Trigger. Rodney (To Del) Oi, don't you think this is the wrong time and place to be shanting it up? Del No, no, of course not. Eh, Trigger what you reckon, eh? Would your gran like to think of us, you know, standing round moping and mourning? Trigger Yeah, she'd have loved it. She was a miserable old cow! Grandad She never used to be like that on. When she was younger she was a real live wire. Life and soul of the party was Alice. Trigger Yeah, I heard she was a bit of a girl. They reckon that's what helped finish my grandad off. (To Grandad) You knew my grandad Arthur didn't you, Mr Trotter? Grandad Yeah, I knew Arthur alright. Trigger He was a smashing man. He took care of me when my mum went. Rodney Where was your dad? Trigger He died a couple of years before I was born. Rodney Oh! Trigger I can almost see my grandad now, sitting by the fire, one leg on the fender - other one in the corner. Del It's alright, he had a false leg didn't he - it came off... Rodney ...Had a leg that long. Del Don't you be silly. Trigger He was a road sweeper as well. Del Yeah taught you the trade didn't he Trigger - eh? Trigger Takes you back, dunnit? Del Come on Trigger, it's no point dwelling in the past, you've gotta look towards the future ain't yer? Come on, you're going on your holidays on Tuesday ain't you? Trigger Yeah, I'm looking forward to that Del. I've been under a bit of pressure lately, what with Gran in hospital and me case being adjourned. It'll be nice to get away from it all. I'm gonna live it up a bit. Discos, nightclubs, golden beaches, blue skies. Rodney Sounds great Trigger. Where you going? Trigger Ireland...Me gran left me a bit of money and these bits and pieces, so I ain't short of a few bob. Rodney (Looking from the window) The car's here. Trigger Well, just take one last look round the old place. When you think of all that's gone on in this house. Me gran and grandad living here together. Makes you go cold don't it? Del No, no, come on Trigger - should be the opposite, shouldn't it - I mean you must remember all the - all the warmth and the love that they had between them! Trigger No, there weren't much of that Del Boy, they didnít talk to each other for 15 years. Rodney 15 years?? Trigger Yeah, me grandad found out that while he was away in the army, she used to have another man in the house. Grandad lowers his eyes in guilt. Trigger (To Grandad) Did you ever hear that rumour? Grandad Me? No son! Did he ever, er - did he ever say who it was? Trigger Never. I wish I knew though! Grandad I'll go an' fetch our coats. Trigger They're in the bedroom. It's up the stairs. Grandad I know where it is. Grandad exits. INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. The Trotters are still in their funeral suits. One of the urns now stands on the table. Del is examining the other urn with a magnifying glass. He then checks his findings in a glossy reference book of antique pottery, etc. Rodney peers eagerly over his shoulder. Del That confirms it Rodders. Rodney Yeah? Del Yeah. Rodney Confirms what? Del Well look, see that little mark there? Rodney What? Del There. Rodney Oh, I can get that off, just a minute. Del No, not there - not on - on there - look, that little mark there, look. See that confirms that these urns are...Meissen! Rodney No! Del Yeah, guaranteed brother! Rodney Meissen eh? What's Meissen then, Del? Del Well it's German china innit? Mid- 19th century according to the book. There was a china sale at Christies the other week. And a couple of pieces similar to these - went for two hundred and fifty quid! These must be worth three hundred quid of anybody's money! Wait a minute, there's a paper in my bedroom with an article about it. I'll go and fetch it. (Moves to door) (To Grandad) An oi - you - you just keep yer mitts off that - right? Del exits. Del (cont'd) I've got me eye on you. Rodney 300 nicker. Grandad Don't look very valuable. Rodney Yeah, well the best one never do, do they? Grandad Oh it looks like the stuff we used to win at the fair! Rodney Oi, you break that and he'll stuff your head down the bog. Grandad is now peering into the urn. He reels back, horrified at what he sees and pushes the urn violently away. Grandad God Almighty! Rodney Grandad - what's up with it? Grandad Just look for yourself!! Rodney Look at what? Grandad What's in there!!! Rodney It's not a spider, is it? Grandad No. Rodney peers into the urn. Rodney What is it? Grandad It's Arthur! Rodney Arthur? Grandad Trigger's grandad Arthur. Them's his ashes. Put the lid on Rodney. Rodney Yeah! Oh bloody 'ell. (Calls) Del...could you come in here please? There's something up with one of the urns. DEL (OOV) If that soppy old git's broken it I'll stick his head down the khazi! Well - what's up? Rodney It's Arthur's ashes! Del Arthur's ashes? That's the black bloke who won Wimbledon innit? Rodney No! It's Trigger's grandad - Arthur! Grandad His ashes are in that urn. Don't take the top off. Del What's the matter with you - don't take the top off? What you got in here, a genie or something? (He peers inside) Well, how d'you know it's him, eh? It's hardly a passport photo is it! Grandad It's him alright Del! I know it's him. Del Yes alright, alright then, so it's him. There you are look, nothing to worry about is there! Grandad Nothing to worry about? You don't know the full story do yer? You see, them rumours about me and Arthur's wife - well they was true. But, but nothing happened between us Del. You've gotta believe that - nothing happened. We were just two lonely people. Arthur was away in the army, and yer gran had just...departed...Oh no, she hadn't died - just departed. Del and Rodney lower their eyes. Rodney Oh yeah, got yer. Grandad Well we was just a bit of company for each other that's all...But Arthur wouldn't believe that. Del No - well he wasn't as soppy as they made out then was he? Grandad He put a curse on me Del. He pointed his bony finger at me and said, 'Trotter, someday, somehow, I'm gonna come back and haunt you!' And he had gypsy blood in him Del. You know what they say about a gypsy's curse! Del Oh come on, you don't believe all that pony, do yer? Rodney Yeah, I mean, it was a long time ago weren't it. You've moved since then - he's never gonna find you now. Oi, then again being a gypsy he might have moved around a bit, eh? Grandad Never gonna find me? (Points accusingly at urn) Look over there. He's in the same bloody room as me! Del Now don't be silly, Grandad. I mean ghosts an' all that - it's a load of rubbish, innit? Rodney Yeah, I mean it's - it's greasy kids' stuff, innit? Del Yeah, that's right, yeah. No, no, I'm gonna go to me room. And get the paper alright - yeah. (Exits, then reappears) Who left this wooden leg out here? Grandad Don't be bloody silly Del Boy! INT. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. HALLWAY. NIGHT. Three doors lead of the hall. Two of the doors lead to Del and Rodney's respective bedrooms, the other leads to the bathroom. The hall is in darkness. The bathroom door is open and the light is on. We see Del in his pyjamas and a dressing gown, still half asleep, filling a glass with water at the basin. He switches the light off and is about to return to his bedroom when his attention is drawn by a hushed almost whispering voice from the lounge. Grandad (OOV) I mean the thing is Arthur, you and me were - used to be friends...once! So I think there ain't no point in holding a grudge is there? Del eases the door to the lounge open a few inches. There, in the darkness of the lounge, we see Grandad talking to the urn. Grandad I know what happened annoyed you - it would have annoyed me! But, well, it was a long time ago, so why don't we just let bygones be bygones, eh? Del grins evilly to himself. Grandad Well you never frightened me with all that old tosh about a curse and what 'ave yer! I mean I - I ain't the superstitious type. In fact I don't know why I'm talking to you now. Well I know you can't her me, Arthur! Del picks up a traffic cone and speaks through it with a ghostly voice. Del That is what you think, Trotter. Grandad A-A-A-A-Arthur? Y--Y-Y-You mean you can hear me?? Del You're coming through louder than a CB Rubber Duck...Is it forgiveness that you seek, Trotter? Grandad Well yeah. I'm really sorry for what's happened Arthur! Del Ah, but how do I know that you mean it? Grandad Oh I do, I do Arthur, really. I'll do anything to prove it to you Arthur, anything you say! Del Alright then, tell me where your money's hidden. Grandad I ain't got no money! Del Oh don't give me that you lying old git! I know you're alright for a few bob and I wanna know where it is hidden. Grandad It's in me suitcase under me bed. Del No it ain't, I looked. Grandad You've been under my bed?? Del I've been everywhere, Trotter. I am always with you...On them cold winter nights when your two grandsons, Rodney and the good-looking one, are out, have you ever felt a... presence? I am the chill wind that wakes you in the dead of night. I am the - the movement in the curtains, I am also the creaking of the floorboards. Always with you even when you're alone, I am keeping you - company! Rodney, just awoken, appears at Del's shoulder. Rodney What are you doing? Del Aaaarrrrgggghhhh! Grandad screams and reels back from the 'spirit' now stumbling into the lounge. The sudden awakening even causes Rodney to cry out in alarm. There is a pause as everyone catches their breath. Grandad You stupid little sod, that could have finished me off that could have! Rodney What's all this about? Del Oh, Soppy here was holding a sťance with his little mate Arthur. Grandad You never underestimate the powers of the unknown Del Boy! All I'm saying is get them ashes out of this house. Why don't you try an' get in touch with Trigger, get him to take them away? Del Well what do you think I've been trying to do all evening? I've left messages for him everywhere. And he'll be going off on a three-week holiday soon! Grandad Looks like we'll have to dispose of them ourselves then. Del Yeah, looks like it. Suppose that's the least we can do is to give a dignified send-off. Anyway we can't give anyone a dignified send-off at three o' clock in the morning! Right? So we do it tomorrow. Rodney You got any ideas how we're gonna do it? Del Well I thought we'd put him in an envelope and post him anonymously to a priest. Grandad Bowls! Del Well you got any better suggestions then? Grandad No, bowls! He was a life-long member of the Peckham Bowling Club. I think he'd love to be scattered over that green. Del Yeah, well, alright, that's what we'll do then. Rodney Well they could refuse permission! Del Yeah. Only if we ask. Rodney Come on Del, you can't go merrily sprinkling someone's ashes over a bowling green without being noticed! They'll be playing on it! Del That is why we're gonna do it at night, when they're not playing on it! Right? Rodney Alright - well I'm going to bed. Del Yeah so am I. Goodnight Grandad. Rodney exits. Grandad Del Boy. D'you think I've made me peace with Arthur now? I mean that were a good idea of mine about the bowling green weren't it? I think he'd have liked that...And you heard me apologize to him, didn't you. I mean, I don't think I ain't done nothing else that could incur his wrath have I? Del No - no, of course not! Mind you there is one tiny little thing that might have upset him. Grandad What's that Del? Del points to the second urn. Del Well Arthur is over there! Sweet dreams. EXT. BOWLING GREEN/CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT. All is in darkness. Del, clutching the urn, and Rodney creep into the centre of the green. Rodney What are we gonna do now? Del How should I know? This was his favourite bowling club right? This is where he spent many happy hours right. So I'll just turn the urn upside down and we'll have it away on our toes! Rodney Eh, no, you just can't tip it upside down, it'll leave a mound. They'll think they've got moles! Del Alright then, we'll scatter it evenly about whilst we sing a hymn or something! D'you know any hymns? Rodney Er. We Three Kings of Orient are. Del That is a Christmas Carol you wally! 'Ere, why don't you go the whole hog you know and sing Jingle Bells while I dance about and we sprinkle him around? Rodney Sshhh! Do what you want but hurry up. Del Alright, I'll just say a prayer - get down on your knees... They both kneel and clasp their hands in prayer. The urn is between them. Del (cont'd) Dear God, high up in the sky... The floodlights around the green are switched on. We see that a group of middle-aged and older men and women, all in bowling whites, have entered the clubhouse. There is the buzz of conversation and laughter from the bowlers, none of whom look out to the green. INT. THE CLUBHOUSE. NIGHT. Del and Rodney sprint away in opposite directions, leaving the urn. One of the lady bowlers looks from the window and reacts to the urn, spotlighted as it is in the centre of the green. She calls back incredulously to bring the captain's attention to it. A this happens, we see Del sprint back across the green, whip up the urn and sprint out of sight. The lady bowler brings the captain to the window and points to the empty green. The captain react, now doubting her sanity. Captain Can't see a thing me dear, there's nothing there at all. I think you're imagining it. Woman Bill, I assure you, I saw something I... Captain You spent too much time in that bar. EXT. RIVER THAMES. DAY. We see Del and Rodney in a small rowing boat in mid-river. Rodney is rowing and Del, in his camel-hair overcoat and kipper tie, is holding the urn. Del Heave to Rodney, heave to. This will do nicely! Rodney Del, I've told you before and I'm gonna tell you again. You cannot perform a burial at sea in St Catherine's Dock! Del I'm not performing a burial at sea, am I? I'm performing one of them Indian ceremonies like what they do the Ganges! I saw it on Whicker's world, don't worry it will be a doddle! Rodney But this river's polluted! Del Well that ain't gonna upset Arthur is it, eh? Rodney It ain't gonna do the river much good either! Del Oh, look, just shut up will yer! Sit quiet for minute and think - sort of - religious! Del takes the lid from the urn. As he does so we hear the distorted, echoing voice of a man, apparently coming from the urn. Voice What are you doing? Del pushes the urn away to arms length. Del God Almighty. Rodney Del! Del What? We see a river police launch close by. One of the police- men is using a loudhailer. Policeman What are you doing? Del Thank Gawd for that! Rodney Say something sensible Del. I mean don't go telling 'em we're boat people or nothing. Del We're Buddhists! Rodney Dear God! Del We're scattering some remains - it's part of our religion. Policeman Have you written permission from the river authorities? Del (To Rodney) Have we written permission from the river authorities? Rodney Well of course we bloody ain't! Del Of course we blood...No I'm afraid not Officer. Policeman You can't do it then! Del Oh - oh I see - right, well, thank you very much for all your help. (Quietly, to Rodney) Let 'em get out of sight and then I'll pull it overboard alright. Policeman We'll escort you back to the shore! Del Oh right. Thank you very much. Ain't it marvelous. There's never a copper around when you need one. But the sods are always there when you don't need em! (Ad lib) Rodney... EXT. ANOTHER LONDON STREET. DAY As they talk forlornly up the road, dejected and on the verge of defeat, they pas a house that is having some minor building work done. In the road is a pile of sand, some bags of cement and a portable mixer. As they pass, Del looks at the cement mixer and stops. He is about to pour the ashes into the mixer when one of the labourers appears close by. Del smiles nervously. Del Magic ain't they? The old Irish tumble-dryer! He moves off to join Rodney with the labourer eyeing him suspiciously. Rodney Oi, you weren't were you? Del Of course I weren't! What d'you think I am, a Philistine or something? EXT. SUBURBAN ROAD. DAY. A middle-aged woman pulling a basket on wheels passes by. She reacts with snobbish surprise to Del and Rodney who are seated on the kerb with their legs in the road. The urn is in the gutter, between Del's legs. They are too preoccupied to notice her walk by them. Rodney Could be a sign you know! Del What? Rodney Our failure to get rid of the - contents - of that urn, could be a sign that we didn't ought to dabble in that sort of thing! Del What are you going on about? Rodney Well, look, we're walking straight into the unknown here ain't we! I mean you don't know what strange dark powers we might evoke! Del Oh give over you tart! What d'you think, the bogeyman are gonna come round and get us in our flat? If they do, they'll be too knackered to do any- thing - them lifts have broken down again! Rodney Yeah, well, as far as I'm concerned Del you can scrub round it, alright! Give the urns to a church jumble sale, or something, I've washed me hands of 'em! Rodney moves a few yards away. Del, leaving the urn in the gutter, follows him. Del Rodders, listen now don't be a plonker. They're worth 300 quid! And you don't go giving our national treasures to jumble sales do you? A council cleansing lorry, the type with the giant rubber tube, passes by. It passes by the spot where the urn was left. Rodney Eh? I mean, just think what we can do with 300 quid, eh? We could get a nice new suit each... Del double-takes on the lorry. Rodney (cont'd) That thing's just sucked up our urn. Oi!!! Oi stop! They chase after the lorry, which eventually pulls to a halt. Driver What's the problem? Rodney You've sucked up our urn! Driver Your urn'? Oh my Gawd! What was he, a little kitten? Del Eh? Is he winding me up or what? Rodney No, he just don't understand, look. (To Driver) It's not Ern as in Ernie, it's urn as in you know Grecian! Driver Oh! Well I thought there was something blocking me tubes. Del I'll block his tubes permanently. Come on. Come on then. Is it there? You found it? Eh, that's it. The driver pulls the base of the urn from the tube and hands it to Rodney. He then retrieves the top. Rodney And there was the, er... Del That's it. Rodney Yeah. Del Thanks. Right. Driver There you go. And be careful where you leave yer bloody Grecian urn in future! I'll have the union in on this I will! Del examines the inside of the urn. Del Oh my Gawd, it's empty. It's empty. Arthur's been sucked up into that thing! It wasn't our fault though was it, Rodders, eh? Rodney No, no, it was a complete accident Del - totally beyond our control! There's no need for us to reproach ourselves! Is there? Del No, no, no, there isn't! It must have been an act of God. I mean, don't you see the poetic irony of it? Well Arthur used to be a road sweeper! To him this must be like a Viking's burial! Maybe he would have wanted it like this! Rodney Maybe...I doubt it but...maybe! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY Del and Rodney, who are now celebrating their good fortune, enter. Grandad is on the phone. Grandad Hang on, he's just coming in now. Del Boy it's for you. Del Who is it? Grandad Trigger. Del Trigger?? What's he want?? Grandad He said you've been leaving messages for him to phone you! Del Yeah, I know I had, that's when I wanted him to have his grandad's ashes back! But we've got rid of them now! 'Ere, supposing he wants them - you know wants them back after he comes back off holiday? He wants me to keep them. What am I going to say? Rodney Er, well you just say...Oh you'll think of something. Del Oh yes, thank you very much Rodney, you're a great help... git! (Takes the phone) Hello Trigger, how's it going my son? Yeah? What's the weather like? Oh foggy is it? Well it's a bit misty here... Yeah. Where are you? You're fogbound at Gatwick airport. (To Rodney and Grandad) He's still here, he could get in a cab and come back for it couldn't he? (Into phone) Um, yeah, well Trigger - the thing is - look we've got a bit of a problem. Yeah, it's a bit delicate. So...Well you know, I - I'd brace yourself if I were you - yeah. Well you remember them urns that I had off you. Yeah, well you see I was just sort of cleaning them up, like, to get them ready to go to the Boy Scout's bring 'n' buy sale, and er, well, I found your grandad's ashes in one of them...Yeah I wondered what you wanted me to do with them? Yeah well, this is the problem innit, I mean what do you do with them? Look, why don't you leave it up to me Trigger? Eh? Of course it'll be a respectable and dignified ceremony! Yeah, yeah, good boy, well you know it makes sense! Yeah. Eh? Del gives a 'thumbs up' to Rodney and Grandad. Del (cont'd) (Stares venomously at Rodney) No. No. Nobody told me! Right you have a nice time Trigger and I'll see you when you get back alright. (He hangs up the phone) There's something you forgot to tell me Grandad! Grandad What's that Del Boy? Del Trigger's gran was married twice!! Del takes the lid from the second urn. Del Oh no!!


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