Only Fools And Horses

The Long Legs Of The Law

THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Both TVs are on. Grandad is searching around the lounge, in drawers, under the seats of the armchair, etc. Rodney, in a hung-over state, enters and slumps down at the table. Grandad Have you seen my teeth? Rodney Have you tried yer mouth? Grandad Now don't get sarky, Rodney. I had 'em lat night, I meant to put them in soak. I might have left 'em in the kitchen. D'you want any breakfast, Rodney? Rodney No I don't! My belly' going up and down like Tower Bridge. Grandad I'll see if we've got anything out here for you. Del, dressed in all the gear and feeling as bright as a July morning, enters. Del Right. Ah! There you are Rodney. Morning. Great night last night weren't it, eh? Rodney ignores him. Del (cont'd) Hey Grandad, I found your teeth, they were outside by the rubbish chute. Grandad What were they doing out there? Del Well, I don't know, do I? Did you lend 'em to anyone? Grandad Course I didn't. Del Are you sure? Here put a couple of rashers of streaky in that pan for me will you, Grandad. That's what you need, Rodney, after a night on the old drink, a nice drop of the old bacon fat, slides down the little red lane like a pint of Duchhams on a warm evening. 'Ere what's a matter with you, you're not still sulking are you? Rodney No! Del Oh no - no. Come on, grow up Rodney, grow up will you. Grandad enters from the kitchen carrying a glass of water which contains two fizzing Alka-Seltzer type tablets. He places the glass on the table. Rodney starts sipping at it. Grandad What's up with him now? Del I'll tell you what's the matter with him, shall I, Grandad. The other day I met a couple of birds, a mother and her daughter. Now I've known them for a long time, they're two very charming people. Anyway, I suggested that we made up a foursome, right. So last night we went out for a drink. We took them out and gave them a nice drink. Had a lovely meal and then, him over there, he goes and gets the sulks don't he. Grandad What's the matter with you, Rodney? It sounds like a nice evening. Rodney Grandad - when he said we was going out with a mother and her daughter I assumed that I'd be with the daughter. Instead of that, he drags me round every pub in the Old Kent Road holding hands with some old sort with a cough. Del I thought it was a very romantic evening, Rodney. Rodney Well it might have been for you Del. For me the night air was filled with all the sensuous promise of a tour round the Sanatogen works! Del 'Ere, how's that bacon? Grandad Alright. You didn't get in till four o' clock. What d'you do, go back to their place? Del No, don't get excited, we went on to this little spick drinking club I know, over New Cross. 'Ere you know who was there, Grandad. Tommy Razzle. Do you remember Tommy, used to live in Cathles House. Grandad Oh young Razzle - used to have that dog? Del Yeah, that's right - well he's married 'er now! Grandad He still on the Underground? Del No, no, no, him and er - him and Monkey Harris they've teamed up together, they put in false ceilings or some- thing. They've just come back from Saudi Arabia, they was putting in a false ceiling in a - in a dental clinic or something. Anyway, they had a big row, didn't they, Rodney, last night. You should have seen it - you see Tommy, he reckoned that he'd seen a salt beef bar in Jeddah and Monkey Harris said no way. Anyway, before we knew where we were they was off, weren't thy. Tables flying, bottles, glasses... Rodney Almost had to call for the manager at one point, didn't they? Del Yeah, that's right. It was as bad as that. Anyway somebody phoned the law right and who'd they send, but a young policewoman! Well, course, that was it weren't it. Should have seen him over there. What! His eyes went all goggle like that and then he was sniffing round her. Rodney I was not sniffing round her! I merely asked her if she needed any assistance. Del Oh leave it out! There was Monkey Harris draped over a keep left sign, there was Tommy with the handcuffs on, their two wives were fighting like a couple of trays and this plonker here is trying to date the arresting officer. You should have seen it, it was pathetic. He was going, 'Well, you know, um, well I'm thinking of going to the pictures tomorrow, d'you - d'you want to come?' The only date that you would have got with her was ten o' clock Monday morning at Horseferry Road Magistrates! How's that bacon? Grandad Oh, I'll have a look at it. Oh, Trigger called round last night. Del Yeah. What he want? Grandad With these watches. Del Ah? Watches? Grandad Watches, look. Grandad hands Del a box of ladies and gents watches. Grandad (cont'd) Knocked off are they? Del No, they're not knocked off. Knocked off - he's a comedian isn't he - knocked off. Hey, these are not bad. Look at that Rodney - look at that. What do you think of that, eh? Repondez s'il vous plait, ain't it - that one. Rodney Yeah, they're not bad as it happens! Del No, I reckon that's a Longines or a Cartier. Rodney Yeah? Grandad Trigger said they're four quid each. Del Four quid each, oh well. Grandad Del Boy, I've burnt yer bacon. Del Oh, you stupid old git. I told you to look after it, didnít I? Never mind, you can have it. Come on then Rodney, let's go and see if we can flog some of these watches. We'll stop off at Sid's place on the way, alright? Rodney Yeah, right. Actually, I could do with something to eat now, I feel a bit better after that. Rodney indicates the glass. Grandad What have you done with my Sterodent? Rodney clutches his stomach and rushes past a laughing Del and out of the door. CAFE. The cafe is quite crowded with an assortment of lorry drivers, building site labourers and the obligatory dosser in the corner. Del and Rodney are seated at a large table. In front of Del is a large platter showing all the evidence of a bygone breakfast. In front of Rodney is a side plate with a few crumbs on it. Del is smoking a cigar and reading the Financial Times. Rodney is smoking a roll-yer-own and reading Mayfair. Del ICI have dropped a point. Rodney Yeah? Chelsea dropped three on Saturday. Del They should never have sold Greavesy should they? Come on then, you fit? Rodney Yeah, right. They move to the counter, behind which is Sid. He is the middle-aged proprietor. He wears a filthy apron, smokes a cigarette and rarely takes his eyes off his Greyhound Express as he talks to the customers. Sid Right, what did you have Del Boy? Del Er, just a packet of biscuits and a cup of tea Sid. Sid What did you really have? Del Sausage, bacon, double egg, beans and tomatoes, mushrooms, black pudding and chips, three teas, two bread. Bread was toasted. Sid No fried slice? Del No, not this morning Sid, belly's a bit dicky. Sid What did you have, Rodney? Rodney Just me usual bacteria on toast, you know. Sid One day I'll smack him in the mouth. Del Yeah, if you can find it. (To Rodney) 'Ere, coming down the Nag's Head tonight, they've got a couple of strippers on. Rodney No, I'm going out tonight. Del (To Sid) Oh - here take that back, I want one of them down there. One of them biscuits, alright? (To Rodney) Oh yeah, where you going? Rodney I didn't tell you did I? I've got a bird - Sandra. Del Sandra? Where d'you meet her then? Rodney She was down the club last night. Del I didn't see you talking to anyone lat night, not even the bird that you were supposed to be with. Who was Sandra then - that part-time barmaid, was she? Rodney No. She's not a part-time wallah. She's got a career. Del Oh career. What is she - a lollypop woman? Rodney No! Policewoman! Del reacts and, in the process, he drops knives, forks and spoons out of his sleeves. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Del and Grandad are sitting in front of the TVs. The news of Rodney's date has brought about a certain grimness in the household and their faces show this. They are looking at the TVs, but are not watching. Grandad I mean, Rodney going out with a policewoman! What are the neighbours gonna say? Why's he doing it to us Del Boy? Del 'Cos he's kinky, ain't he. He's got what leading psychiatrists call a - a 'thing' about policewomen's uniforms! Grandad Well if that's all he wants can't we club together and buy him one. Del He don't want to wear it, he wants the policewoman to wear it. Gordon Bennett, he may be perverted but he ain't dangerous! Rodney, in a suit and tie, enters. Del and Grandad turn and look at him accusingly, they then turn back to the TVs. Rodney Del - do you think...Could I please have the keys to the van Del? Del throws the keys across the room at him. Del Oi, have you stopped to consider how your actions are going to affect our business? Don't you realise that them streets out there are our boardroom, our factory floor, and the people that live in 'em are our customers, our business acquaintances. How d'you think they're gonna feel about doing business with - with a grass? Rodney Bloody 'ell Del, I'm just taking a bird to the pictures and suddenly I'm Bertie Smalls. Del You're not taking a bird, you're taking a policewoman! Rodney But under the uniform she's just the same as any other girl. Grandad Our kind and their kind don't mix Rodney. We're like cats and dogs. I mean you'll have to watch every word in case you say something incrimin- ting. Them people's never off duty. Rodney Oh don't talk rubbish Grandad. She's hardly gonna nick the bloke who's taking her out, is she? Del What do you know about it you wally-brain? Don't you know that - don't you know that police officers have to take a vow that, if necessary, they will nick their own mum and dad - she's hardly gonna think twice about a rag-bag like you is she? Rodney Now you're trying to run my life again ain't you Del? Well, if I let you get away with it this time I won't be able to go for a Nelson Riddle without you giving me a blueprint. Del Leave it out. Hear that, hear that, hear that? All I've done for him. Here you are, Grandad. Rodney What have you ever done for me? Del What have I done for you? I brought you up, I fed you, I clothed you, I picked you up when you fell, I wiped your tears away, but most important of all Rodney, I've always been there. I have always been there. Rodney Besides that. Del Always used to take you on holidays. Rodney Oh yeah, the Costa Del Kent! That's right, yeah. You used to create therapeutic little adventure games, didn't you, like 'Let's see who can pick up the most hops today, Rodney'. Del Hopping was all we could afford weren't it Grandad? Grandad You've either got a short memory Rodney, or you're just ungrateful. Don't you remember the time when your little mate Roy Taylor got a set of Jacko roller skates for his birth- day? You came in crying 'cos you didn't have none. The next day Del Boy brought you in a pair exactly the same as Roy Taylor's. Rodney What d'you mean exactly the same as Roy Taylor's? They were Roy Taylor's! His big brother give me a right hiding when he caught me on 'em! Del Yeah, I got him back for you though, didn't I? Rodney Yeah fine consolation that was weren't it. I'm sat in me bed with a split-lip and an 'eadache! Del Alright, alright then, who paid your fine when you got caught or smoking pot? Rodney Yeah...well, I could have handled that myself. Del What, 300 quid? Do me a favour, Rodders. I remember when you got nicked for riding your motor scooter without a crash hat. You only got fined five quid and you asked for time to pay! Grandad You've always been a bad 'un Rodney. Rodney What 'cos I didn't wear a crash helmet? Grandad I mean smoking mari-jew-arna! You brought a slur upon the family name. Rodney Oh leave of Grandad. I'd have to get done for chicken molesting to bring a slur on this family's name! Del Oi, oi, that's enough of that! Grandad It's a good thing your Mum died when she did 'cos that would have killed her! Del Why don't you shut up you soppy old goat. Rodney Look, I don't care what either of you say. I'm going out, right. I mean you're always on about how you brought me up, how you kept me, the one thing you've never told me is why? Del Well - tell you the truth... Del finds it impossible to tell the truth. Del (cont'd) ...the council wouldn't let me keep a dog in the flat! Rodney Well, I think it's because you wanted to see me develop into a mature adult - someone who could stand on his own two feet - independent. And one of the little clauses in my independence, Del, is that I decide where I go, what I do and with whom! Del Alright Rodney, alright, why don't you do that small thing. You decide where you go, what you do and with whom you do it, because I'm finished with you - I've washed me hands of you - as far as I'm concerned you don't exist, right? And Rodney? Rodney What? Del Been raining, them roads'll be treacherous. Drive carefully. Rodney Yeah I will...Cheers, Del. Del What for? Rodney Nothing. Well I shouldn't be too late, Sandra's got to be up early, she's on riot patrol. Rodney exits. Del The world's a strange place to live in innit? Innit Grandad, eh? One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute, whack, life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts. Grandad Oh I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time Del Boy. It was them that started me drinking. Del Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Del is asleep in the armchair. On the coffee table next to him we see a couple of the watches. Grandad is turning the TVs off. Del stirs and then wakes. Del 'Ere I was watching that! Rodney home? Grandad No not yet. He's mot probably drove her home. Del Yeah, more than likely. Oh he's late though, ain't he. 'Ere I hope she hasn't asked to see his MOT. Del and Grandad both hear the front door close. Grandad Here he is now. Del (Shouting) Oi, hello. Z Victor one. How d'you get on? Hope you didn't leave any finger-prints over the suspect. Grandad Ssssh Del, he's brought her home with him! Del He's done what? What's he trying to do to me? Quick Grandad, hide things! Grandad What things? Del Well everything innit? That's bent for a start. Quick get rid of it. By the cocktail bar there are three cardboard boxes piled on top of each other. A sign on each reads: 'South London Distillery Ltd, Wines and Spirits.' Del (cont'd) The booze Grandad, the booze! Rodney enters the room with Sandra. Rodney Hello. Del Hello. Yeah, we were just talking about you weren't we Grandad? We just said, yeah, we'll give Rodney another month and then we'll phone the police. Rodney I've just brought Sandra back for a nightcap. Del Oh good. Sandra Hello...again! Del Yeah hello, again. Well did you - did you enjoy the film? Sandra Yes it was very good. Del Take you to see something romantic, did he? Sandra No - The Exterminator! Del Oh The Exterminator. Well, of course, to Rodders that - that is romantic. I mean he cried his little eyes out over The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Rodney Leave it out, Del. D'you want to sit down, Sandra? Sandra Thank you. And what have you been doing? Del Nothing! No, no, nothing. No, we've been in all evening haven't we Grandad, eh? Grandad Yeah, and we've got witnesses to prove it! Sandra I wasn't asking you to provide an alibi, I was just enquiring out of politeness! Del Oh yeah, yes, yeah of course you was Sandra. Sorry. It's just that you know us being such a law-abiding family we're, we don't really know how to converse with er, the Old Bill! Grandad (Indicating Rodney) He's got a police record. Del Yes, er Walking on the Moon. You know you've heard that one, ain't you? Yeah, yeah, I'll - I'll play it for you later on if you like, you know, if you haven't heard it. Rodney D'you like Police LPs Sandra? I've got their latest one. It ain't even been released yet has it Del? Sandra If it hasn't been released how d'you come by it? Del No - no, what he means is, no, it hasn't been released in Britain yet. You see we got it when we was abroad on holiday, didn't we? Rodney We - we got it on holiday. Sandra Where did you go? The Trotters all speak at once. Grandad Italy. Del Spain. Rodney Greece. Del Yeah we toured. Del sees two watches on the coffee table. Hiding the table with his body he carefully picks the watches up and places them down the side of the armchair. Del(cont'd) Well this, this is pleasant innit? You know, er, Rodney, you know he tried to join the police force once, yeah, it was after he failed the intelligence test to become a Unigate milkman. Rodney He's joking. Del No, no, I'm not. Er that - that's a very nice looking watch you've got there, Sandra. Sandra Yes lovely, isn't it. Rodney gave it to me! Del Oh, did he? Oh, of course he's a very generous boy, our Rodney, you know. Sometimes I think he's too generous for his on good. Yeah, come on. Er, Rodney hall you and me get Sandra a drink, eh? You and me. And me and you. You know, together. You and me. Rodney Yeah alright. What will you have Sandra? Sandra Gin and tonic please. Rodney G and T. Cheers. They move to the sideboard. Del What d'you give her that watch for? Rodney Don't worry, I'll give you the money for it! Del I don't worry about that. I'm not worried about the money am I? Don't you realise those watches are a very sought after property. They are especially sought after by the River Police and the Flying Squad. Rodney You mean they're hot? Del Hot? They're so hot it is advisable to wear oven gloves when winding them up. Rodney But you told me they were straight! Del Yeah well I lied, I lied, didn't I? Appellation Bordeux controlee! Rodney What? Del We've got to think of a way to get that watch back off 'er! Rodney Yeah, yeah, I'll just say 'Sandra can I have the watch back, because I only lent it to you'! Del No we can't do that. She might get suspicious mightn't she. I'll have to think of some- thing subtle. Rodney Yeah, that's what I like about you Del, you'll try anything once! Del Oi, oi, oi! Just er - no I've got an idea. Here. Just watch me. (Takes the gin and tonic) Here we are Sandra - a nice gin and tonic for you. Please allow me to put it on the arm of the chaise-longue for you. As he is about to place the gin and tonic on the sofa arm, he pours the entire drink over Sandra's watch. Del (cont'd) Oh dear, oh dear, butter- fingers. I'm ever so sorry. Sandra Oh no, no, it's alright. Don't worry. Del No, I do worry, I do. I mean I feel partially responsible. Yes. Oh look you're all wet. Grandad, could you bring a cloth. Look at that all over your nice new watch. Give it - give it to me, I'll get it repaired for you. Sandra Oh no, no honestly. It doesn't matter. It's water-proof. Del Ah? Well, yeah, I know it's water-proof, but is it gin- proof? You see gin - gin's a very funny thing, you don't quite know where you stand with it, see. Sorry, sorry about that he's a bit eccentric, you know. Um, no if you, if you, if you give me that watch I'll get it repaired for you, alright. Rodney Yeah, yeah, he's right, Sandra. 'Cos it's probably out of guarantee now it's been soaked in gin, you know. Sandra Well are you sure you don't mind? Del Mind? La plume de ma tante. It will be a pleasure. Sandra hands him the watch. Del (cont'd) There you are. That's right. There, look I'll let you have this back in what - you know, in a couple of months - it will be as good as new! Well come on then Rodney - you know - get Sandra another drink. Del moves to the sideboard. Del (cont'd) That got you out of schtuck didn't it, eh? Rodney What d'you mean, got me out of schtuck? You put me in it in the first place. Del Oh that's alright - go on, pass the buck. Alright? Yeah. No listen, no more cock-ups. Just, you know, you think before you act, alright? Rodney Alright! Del tips the empty bottle of gin. Del Oh blooming 'eck. I'm sorry Sandra, we seem to be right out of gin.. Rodney Ah no we're not, no I've got another three cases of it down here! Del turns away, incredulously. Del Unbelievable. I don't believe him. What a plonker! What a plonker! SANDRA'S FLAT. HALLWAY/DOOR. Rodney and Sandra arrive at the door. She takes her keys from her bag. Rodney Oh well, here we are! Sandra Yes, here we are! Rodney Do they let you bring your uniform home Sandra? Sandra Yeah, it's hanging in my ward- robe. Why? Rodney Nothing. They kiss gently. They are now in a sort of half-hearted embrace - cheek to cheek. Sandra Rodney. Rodney Yes, Sandra? Sandra Can I ask you something? Rodney Yeah...Anything! Sandra You know your flat? Rodney Yeah. Sandra Well is there anything in it that's legally yours? (They part) I recognized a lot of the stuff from Scotland Yard photos and Police Five! Rodney (Floundering) Yeah, er, well I mean you know. You're not interested in the little things that fall off the backs of lorries are you! Sandra No! But I am interested in who pushed them and who picked them up. I mean you had three cases of export gin. You can't buy that in Britain! Rodney No, no, we got it on holiday. Sandra Oh, you smuggle as well? Rodney Ah, come on Sandra. I bought you a doner kebab tonight. Sandra And you gave me a stolen watch! Rodney Now I didn't know that was nicked! Sandra Well, tell that to the beak Rodney! You don't seem to realise I'm trying to build a career in the police force. Now, what do you think my commanding officer would do if he found me in possession of stolen property? Rodney Put you in charge of the Christmas Club more like. Sandra This is not funny Rodney, I could end up with the sack. Which of you two's the culprit, you or your brother? Rodney No it's...yeah it's me. Del, Del don't know anything about it - he's a bit of a wally you see. Well I'll come quietly, miss - it's a fair cop. He holds his hand out as if ready for the handcuffs. Sandra If I was to carry out my duty to the full I'd take you right down the station now...But you did take me to the pictures. And you bought me a doner kebab. Rodney And a packet of cashews - and a watch! Oh no, forget about the watch! Sandra No, I won't forget about the watch. Neither will I forget about the others, your brother hid down the side of the armchair. Look - I'll give you 24 hours' breathing space - time to, shall we say spring clean your flat. And after that I'm coming round with the CID. That's 24 hours Rodney. Rodney Yeah...right. Reminds me of that Gene Pitney song, you know 24 Hours From Dartmoor! Well...thanks for a lovely evening Sandra. Sandra Thank you, Rodney. Rodney I don't 'alf fancy a coffee! Sandra Oh do you? Well there's an all -night sandwich bar down the Walworth Road. Rodney Oh yeah. I'll most probably pop down there then. Sandra - will I see you again? Sandra Of course you will. I'll be round your flat in 24 hours. And in case you don't recognize me in uniform, I'll be the one with the warrant. She enters her flat. Rodney (To himself) 'well, we've got 24 hours, Del. Well as you so rightly say Del. Rodney, 24 hours is better than nothing. Thanks for being so understanding, Del!' THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Del has Rodney by the throat and pushed up against a wall. Del I'm gonna kill you, Rodney! Rodney You're choking me! Del Listen - that's right, this is it you dipstick. Have you got any last requests? Rodney Yeah - I want to leave my plimsoles to medical science, now get off will you. The flat is virtually empty - save for the chest of drawers, the dining table which has both flaps down and the settee which is jammed between the door frame leading to the hall. Grandad enters climbing over the settee. Del No, I won't get off. Grandad Just leave him alone. Del Eh? Grandad Now, what's up with you now? I thought you'd calmed down... Del I had calmed down. Then I trapped my finger in a flap on that table, got meself a black man's pinch and it's all this diptick's fault! Rodney I've said I'm sorry. I mean, what more does he want me to say? Del You could say 'I'm emigrating Del Boy.' 'I'm jumping of the balcony, Del Boy.' Anything that would - that would cheer me up. Grandad Anyone can make a mistake Del Boy. Del Yeah, you're right, look at the mistake Mum and Dad made! How could they produce such a stupid kid? Rodney Oh don't put yourself down Del. Del I'll chin you, I will. Grandad Look, we ain't got time to stand here arguing. We've only got a few hours to get rid of all this stuff! Del That's right. Help me clear out this sideboard, make it a bit lighter. Rodney Did we get this sideboard down Hooky Street, then? Del I don't know Rodders. I don't know. Half the stuff in this flat is legal, the other half...isn't! It's been such a long time I - I just don't know what' bloody what any more. We're got to get rid of the whole issue. That's it, come on. Oh I know, there's something that I mustn't forget. Rodney Oi Del! Del What? Rodney Can I keep one of these bottles of after-shave? Del Yeah, what for? Rodney is dabbing a drop on his cheek. Rodney Well it's just in case Sandra comes round a bit early, you know. Del drops what he is holding. Del Just come - come here, a minute will you. Rodney No I - I don't want it now. I don't want it. Del Come here a minute. Come here you! Will you just come here! I've just about had enough of you. You - come here!


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