Only Fools And Horses

Christmas Crackers

INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY The Christmas decorations are over the top. Too bright, too gaudy and too many. The artificial Christmas tree is silver, festooned with baubles and standing on an oil drum. The table is laid for dinner. Even the cutlery and wine glasses are gaudy and cheap looking. Rodney is laid out on the sofa. A book he is reading is held up before his face. The book is entitled: Body Language. The Lost Art. He lowers the book. He has a licentious grin - wide-eyed and delighted. Rodney Oh yeah! (Calls towards kitchen) Hey Grandad. You wanna see this book Mickey Pearce lent me! It teaches you how to say filthy things to women from great distances without actually speaking! I mean they can't set their brothers on you or nothing! The kitchen door opens and a cloud of smoke belches out. Grandad, wearing a dirty food-stained apron, fights his way out and gulps in some fresh air. Grandad D'you like your baked potatoes really well done Rodney? Rodney Have I got a choice? Grandad Well, not really! Rodney Yeah I like 'em really well done Grandad! I like 'em all burnt up so they look like rock-hard prunes. Grandad Oh good! Well dinner won't be long then. (Looks at the book) Body language? Rodney Yeah, it's no good for you Grandad, you'd need an interpreter! Del, in a roll neck sweater and sheepskin, enters. He is smoking a large cigar. Del Alright Grandad, dinner ruined yet? Grandad Coming along nicely Del Boy. (Is about to exit to Kitchen) Del Good good!...'ang on 'ere y' are. He hands Grandad a twenty-pound note. Del There's a score for yer, little Christmas pressie. Grandad Oh cheers Del, very nice of you. I didn't get you nothing, I don't agree with the commer- cialisation of a Christian Festival. Grandad jabs the twenty-pound note into his pocket and exits into the kitchen. Del I don't believe that! He actually took me money then gave me a rollocking! It's like being mugged by a magistrate! The kitchen door opens. Grandad Oh, and Merry Christmas. Grandad exits. Del Yeah - and a partridge up yer pear tree an' all you saucy old git! (To Rodney) What happened to you today then? I thought I'd see you down the Nag's for a pre- luncheon aperitif and some light conversation with your little head bangers! Rodney No the old belly's a bit dicey. Sort of burning pains! Del That'll teach you to play Russian roulette with a mutton vindaloo won't it? Rodney Oh no Del, this is psychosomatic mate. This is me brain sending messages to me belly warning it that Grandad's rotten Christmas dinner'll be on it's way down soon! Have a butchers in that kitchen Del! It's all smoke 'n' smells, it's horrible! There's baked potatoes that look more like lumps of anthracite! There's green stuff out there - I don't know what it is Del, I was gonna ask then I thought I'd wait till you got in! Why do you let him do it Del? Del Well it's a tradition innit? He's been cooking Christmas dinner ever since Mum went! Rodney Yeah and he's been cooking it up ever since Mum went! Del What do you want, a sacre-bleu chef or something? I mean I don't fancy it any more than you do Rodders, but what can we do? Rodney Let's pretend we've both become vegetarians, then we won't have to eat his turkey! Del Don't be a dipstick all your life Rodders! If we sy we're vegetarians we'll end up with a plate of anthracite and green stuff! Rodney Well I'm gonna say I'm on hunger strike - some kind of humanitarian grounds! Del Leave it out will yer, leave it out. I remember when you went on hunger strike as a protest over American cruise missiles being based in Britain. You said that you were gonna starve yourself until the missiles were moved. Rodney So? Del So Rodney that was eight months ago! The missiles are till here but what's more to the point so are you! You went one and 'arf days on hunger strike then sent out for a curry! Rodney Well I was starving! Del That's the idea of it, you plonker! Grandad'll never wear that! Anyway, cooking the Christmas dinner has become Grandad's purpose in life. All year long he sits in that chair watching the tellies like an unoiled redundant cog but knows that come Christmas he can whir into action. It's his role within the family circle. It makes him feel that he still has an important part to play, y'know that he's still needed! You don't want to take that away from him do you? All for the sake of a little bit of... (Indicates Rodney's stomach) Rodney Botulism!! No, alright Del! Del Why don't you do what I do? Don't look at the dinner, just put it in your mouth and think of England! Anyway, for all we know this year it may turn out to be a gourmets' dream! Grandad enters from the kitchen amidst another cloud of smoke. Grandad I'll just strain the gravy then I'll get it up! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. The Trotters are all seated at the dinner table, wearing party hats. Near the table and close to Rodney is an ice-bucket on legs containing a bottle of wine. Their plates already contain food. Del, using an electric knife in a conventional manner, is carving a final slice from the turkey. Del We'll have to get a plug on this thing Rodney! Rodney pours a glass of wine for himself then places the bottle back in the bucket. Del Alright, alright I'll have some wine please Rodney. Rodney reaches for the bottle. Grandad D'you want some gravy Del? Del No thanks Grandad, I'll have some wine. Rodney pours a glass of wine. Del rolls the wine round his tongue. Del Oh bain marie, bain marie! I will say this for them old Frogs, they make a blinding drop of wine! That shiyster down at the off-licence only tried to palm me off with table wine!...Must have thought I was a Philistine or something. Rodney nods in agreement. Del Anyway, I pulled him up a bit sharpish. I said 'Oi John. I don't want none of yer table wine. I said get down that cellar and sort me out a bottle of Vin Ordinaire!'... (Tries a piece of turkey) Hmmm, not bad Grandad, slightly underdone maybe. Rodney Slightly underdone? The reckon the kiss of life would revive that turkey! Del (Trying to keep the peace) That's enough Rodders! Rodney is about to try his first mouthful of the turkey. Grandad How's yer guts now Rodney? Rodney lowers his fork. Rodney Not too bad now Grandad, thank you very much! A pause. They eat. Rodney lifts the fork towards his mouth again. Grandad (To Del) Hope he ain't got worms! Rodney He's doing this on purpose! Del Now come on you two. This is the dinner table I mean worms and all that! Rodney's got a burning sensation in his stomach ain't you Rodney? Rodney Yeah. (Lifts fork again) Del Maybe they're glow worms! Del and Grandad laugh. Rodney, in exasperation, hurls the fork across the table. Del Oi oi oi! What's your game? Rodney Well do you think we could change the subject? Del Alright alright. There's no need to get overwrought! This turkey's lovely Grandad, innit Rodney? Rodney Triffic! Grandad Who's Brenda and Terry? Del Eh? Grandad Who's Brenda and Terry? Del Who's Brenda and Terry? Grandad Yeah. Del Who's Brenda and Terry Rodney? Rodney I don't know! Del (To Grandad) What are you on about you old div? Grandad We got a Christmas card from 'em. It said love from Brenda and Terry and the kids Shirley, Shane and Shaun. Rodney Yeah, yeah that was from Brenda and Terry! Grandad I know! But who is Brenda and Terry? Del It's Shirley, Shane and Shaun's mum and dad innit? Grandad Oh! Did we send them one back? Rodney How could we send them one back? Who don't even know who they are let alone where they live! Del Just as well with them rotten cards you bought. Rodney There was nothing wrong with them cards! You didn't like them 'cause they came from a charity organization! Del Now that is not fair Rodney, that is not fair Rodney. Nobody like a good cause better than me do they Grandad? It's just that when it comes to Christmas cards you've got to be very careful about which charity you choose. Rodney What do you mean got to be careful about which charity you choose? Del Well some of them cards might offend our family and friends. It says Merry Christmas from Del Boy, Rodney and Grandad, and all the gang at the Deptford drug-addiction centre! Rodney And with all the cuts we've had in social services you don't think that's a good cause? Del I'm not saying it's not a good cause Rodney! All I'm saying is that at Christmas time people prefer a traditional Christmas card, you know with a nice wintery scene - a snowman, a little robin redbreast - not a sprig of holly and a bunch of mistletoe wrapped round a rusty syringe! Rodney You do me right up sometimes Del! Grandad I don't know why they want these drug-addiction centres. I mean ain't we got enough drug addicts without them recruiting them? Rodney No Grandad! They're not training centres! Oh God, I give up! Can we change the subject again? Del Stroll on Rodney, we're going through subjects quicker than Mastermind! (To Grandad) You didn't throw the giblets away did you? Rodney slams his knife and fork down on the plate. Del (To Rodney) I only asked because I promised them to the old girl down stairs for her cat! Grandad There weren't any giblets in it Del. It was ready-cleaned, said so on the box. Del Yeah I know it was ready- cleaned Grandad, but they put the giblets in a plastic bag then stick it back in the turkey. Grandad Do they? Del Oh yeah. Del and Rodney look at each other. Del You took the bag out didn't you? Grandad I didn't know it was in there Del! Del Oh my Gawd! Rodney You mean he's cooked it with everything still in there? Oh no! Del peers into the turkey. Del Oh my good God, it's like peering into the jaws of hell! (To Grandad) Didn't you at any time notice it? Like for instance when you were putting in the stuffing in? Rodney There's stuffing in there as well?? Del Oh it's all in here Rodders! Sage and onion, molten plastic and...things! It looks like an Irish night in a delicatessen! Grandad I just didnít' know it was in there Del Boy! Del Alright Grandad, don't get overwrought, it's over and done with innit eh? Don't upset yourself, as the French say, a fait acomplan (now trying to be falsely cheerful) Well, what about the old afters eh? Grandad I'll go'n get it. Grandad exits to the kitchen. Del Alright, alight don't worry about it Rodney! Custard is his forte! Grandad appears at the kitchen door holding a smouldering Christmas pudding. Grandad D'you like your Christmas puddings really well done? Rodney and Del just not zombie like. INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The TVs are both showing the same circus. Del, wearing a paper hat, is lying asleep in the armchair. Rodney, looking thoroughly bored, is seated on the sofa. He surveys the room then sighs heavily. At the sound of the sigh Del stirs slightly but does not wake. Rodney stands. He mooches round the room kicking his heels and just trying to kill another minute. He sighs even more heavily. Again Del stirs but does not wake. Rodney flops back onto the sofa. He picks up a Christmas blower (one of those trumpet-type things with the paper tube that unfolds when blown). Del stirs and then wakes. Through his bleary eyes he sees Rodney looking at him. Del Sorry! He prepares to go back to sleep. Rodney I don't like circuses! Del What? Rodney I don't like circuses! Del Oh! Rodney I never have liked 'em! Del Triffic! A pause. Rodney Never will like 'em - Circuses. Del Alright you've made your point Rodney! Why don't you switch over? Rodney Yeah alright! Rodney moves to the TV and switches one over. We see that another circus is playing on the other channel. Del hides his delight and laughter. Rodney There's one on the other side! Del Is there? It's a pity you donít like 'em or you could be having a whale of a time couldn't yer? Now put a sock in it for 'arf hour or so will you? Del snuggles into the armchair. Rodney moves over to the window. Rodney It's good living in a tower block annit Del? Del Yeah, mustard. The Queen don't know what she's missing. Rodney Look at that view eh? On a clear day you can see...the ground. (Shouts) Boring Boring Boring Boring Boring B...o...ri...ing! Del I'll ffff...I'll whack you one in a minute Rodney!!! By now Rodney has done a swift Ali shuffle out of the danger zone. Rodney Well nothing's open out there and I'm bored! Del Hang about and I'll get on the phone and knock you up a Mardi Gras. Everyone's bored! Christmas is a religious festival, it's meant to be boring! Rodney I thought we we're supposed to be celebrating the birth of our Lord! A time of great joy! Del It's a time of great joy and that's why everything's closed! Everyone's at home enjoying themselves! Rodney Enjoying themselves? Del Where's me nuts. Rodney Just take a look at it out there, Del. It's like a neutron bomb's hit it - the buildings are still standing but there's no sign of life! No, the British nation have forgotten how to enjoy itself! We're all charging toward the cliff edge of terminal boredom like a herd of... of... (Struggles for the right word) What's them things that commit suicide all the time? Del Japanese! Rodney No, lemmings! Yeah like a herd of lemmings! Let's go out somewhere Del. There's bound to be a pub or a club open somewhere! Del It's Christmas night Rodney! Rodney The Monte Carlo club over New Cross is open! There again it's a bit rough! Del (Limped wrist- effeminate voice) Oh yes all them big men, drinking beer and burping! You great big tart you! Rodney Alright let's go to the Monte Carlo. A few birds get down there, we might be able to pull a couple! Del I don't want to go out Rodney! Rodney (Frustrated) You're boring as well! Del You're hardly a go on the big dipper yourself Rodney! Rodney Well why don't you want to go out?? Del I'll tell you why shall I? It may have slipped your notice but there are three people living in this flat. You, me and that scruffy little old man who does funny things to turkeys. Namely our Grand- father! Now you're not honestly suggesting that we just push off out of it and leave him to spend the night on his own? Rodney But we often leave him on his own! Del Not on Christmas night Rodney, not on Christmas night! Rodney But we sit with him every Christmas. He wouldn't mind just this once! Del He'd pretend he didn't mind! But you don't know what'll be going through his little mind as he sits here in this empty flat all on his own. Thinking of the old days when Mum and Dad were here - when Christmas was a great, big family affair, and we're still a family Rodney so we'll stay here with Grandad and watch, y'know The Sound of Music. Rodney I don't like The Sound of Music! Del Well we'll switch over! Rodney What's on? Del A circus. Rodney I want to go out Del! Del Listen Rodney, there are a lot of old people all over the country sitting alone this Christmas night. Half of 'em don't get a Christmas card let alone a bit of company. So you're going to stay put with me and Grandad. Rodney If I want to go out I'll go out! Del No you won't! Rodney Yes I will! Del You won't Rodney! Rodney I will Del! Del You won't! Rodney I will! Del You won't! Rodney I will! Grandad washed, shaved and wearing his best suit, opens the door. Grandad I'm off out now, see you later. Del Yeah tadda Grandad. Rodney See yer. Del You won't. Rodney I will, Del. Del If I say... (Shouts towards the door) Oi! Del opens the door to the hall. Grandad is still in the hall putting his overcoat on. Del Where'd you think you're going? Grandad I'm going to the Old Folks Christmas Do over at the Community Centre. I thought any- thing'd be better than sitting in here all night listening to you two arguing. Tell us what happens in The Sound of Music. See yer. Grandad exits. Del (Stunned) Yeah...See yer, Grandad. (To Rodney) That's terrific that is, innit? Rodney Charming. He goes out gallivanting and we sit watching Julie Andrews. Del Oh no, bruver - definitely not. Let's get our glad rags and hit the Monte Carlo Club. Rodney Yeah!! Del I'll have a bath first 'cause there's hardly any hot water left. Fix yerself a drink, make yerself comfortable - and watch the circus. Del exits. INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB. It is all tinsel and tat, the kind of place that looks good with all the lights out. Congregated around the bar are a few beer-supping three- piece-suits-thirty-five-year-old hooligans, accompanied by the sort of women that admire thirty-five-year-old hooligans. As we join the scene, couples are locked in embrace on the dance floor as a smoochy song ends. Del wearing a navy blue three-piece suit, a navy blue shirt, white tie and white shoes and a couple of gold medallions beside his obligatory gold rings, watch, and chunky bracelet. And Rodney, wearing his only suit and tie approach the bar. Del (To Barman) Oi John. Giss a Remi Martin with cream soda and lots of ice, and 'arf of lager. Standing near Del is Earl, another three-piece suit. He is about Del's age but not as bright or as sharp as Del. Del You alright, Earl? Earl Hullo Del Boy. Nice Christmas? Del A belter. Where's the enemy? Earl She took the kids over her mum's. Del How's the old man? Earl Up and down like Tower Bridge. Still in hospital - unconscious most of the time - when he wakes up he don't know where he is. Del struggles for sympathetic words. Del Well next time he comes round again you wish him a Merry Christmas from me and Rodney. Earl I will, Del. Rodney What's wrong with him? Earl I can't pronounce it. Del Oh, now listen Earl, now listen my son, this is what you want to do. Next time you're up the hospital, you get hold of one of them surgeons you know they're the guys with the little white jackets and you say to him that your old Dad wants some antibiotics, - Antee - by- ot-ics. I'll write it down for yer. Giss that Replay that I gave you for your Christmas present Rodney. Rodney hands Del a pen. Del writes on a paper napkin that is lying on the bar. Rodney You're being a bit pushy, ain't you? I mean don't you think the hospital's already thought of that? Del That bunch of wallies?? These are magic things Earl. They work a treat. Gawd knows where they get 'em from. D'you remember when Grandad was in hospital about eighteen month back? They gave him so many antibiotics that one day he sneezed and two other blokes got better. Del hands Earl the paper napkin. Del (cont'd) Well there it is. Don't take this to a chemist's it ain't a prescription. Earl No I won't, Del Boy. Well thanks a lot, that's really nice of you. Del That's alright my son. You have a nice Christmas, you hear? Come on Rodney. Del and Rodney move away from the bar. Rodney You're something else you are. You've stuck your nose in where it weren't wanted a good few times but this takes the biscuit. Suddenly you're a miracle worker. Del Listen Rodney. Life's been pretty gutty for Earl quite recently. First, he got made redundant, it's been like that between him and his missus... Del moves hands up and down in a balancing gesture. Del (cont'd) ...then to top it all his old man collapses in the Nag's Head right across the table where me and Trig were sitting. It was terrible, glasses went flying, every- thing. Rodney Yeah? What, serious? Del No, I only had about that much left. No, I mean can't afford a private hospital. He wanted to take his dad to Lourdes, but couldn't afford the fare. The way his luck's going he couldn't afford the fare to Leeds let alone Lourdes. So I have just given him a bit of false hope - a light at the end of the tunnel, a straw to grab at, a bit of promise for the New Year. Rodney But what happens if he tells the hospital to administer these antibiotics? It might finish the old man off. Del Leave it out Rodney. What do you think they are up the hospital, a bunch of wallies? Rodney But you just said... Del moves away. Rodney (Following him) You're flash you are aintcha? You think you know the lot. Everything about you is - lairy. Del What do you mean - lairy? Rodney Well just look at the way you're dressed to begin with. You make Christmas trees look sombre. And God knows how you've got the courage to walk down dark alleys wearing all that gold. I mean when they see you coming you must look like a mugger's pension scheme. Del Listen how d'you think a peacock attracts a lady peacock? With his plummage Rodders. This is my plummage...When I approach a bird she don't see me, the good-looking young man about town, own teeth and all that sort of game. No she sees in her subconscious a white yacht floating in the blue waters of a Caribbean bay. Rodney (Smiling sardonically) Is that right? Del Yeah. Del looks Rodney up and down with a sneer of condemnation. Del (cont'd) With you they se a winkle barge sinking off the end of Southend pier. Rodney No, because I don't need all the bullion and perfume and white shoes. I'm natural - I'm me, Del, I'm me. Del Yes, I know you're you, that's why you always end up with a dog. Rodney I don't go out with dogs! Del Leave it off Rodney, you've had more dogs than Crufts. Grandad took your suit to the cleaners the other week and found a muzzle in the pocket. No Rodney, I know the secret, that's why I always blag the good 'uns - the air hostesses and part-time models...Oh yes bruv I got the secret - it never fails me Del turns to discover the two plain girls smiling willingly at him. He reacts. As he starts to move away he nudges Rodney. Del Got a bone handy Rodders? I think you've cracked it again. Rodney reacts as he sees the two girls. He smiles nervously - nods politely then quickly follows Del. INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB. Another record (maybe a pop Christmas release) is ending. A few people are dancing to this more up tempo song. All the tables are still taken. Rodney and Del are leaning against a wall looking thoroughly bored. Del I wouldn't mind a sit down, the old pins are aching. Rodney Amazing innit? I mean look at us - the Peckham Playboys and I bet the only one who's pulled tonight is Grandad. Del I thought you'd be used to it. The only thing you ever pull at Christmas is yer cracker. A man and a woman move from their table. Del (cont'd) There's a table free over there, Rodders look lively. Del turns to get his drink, cigars and lighter which are on a nearby shelf. Rodney starts to move towards the table, but as he does so we see two very pretty girls sit down at it. One should be blonde, the other brunette. Rodney reacts, delighted with the turn in events. He nudges Del. The nudge causes Del to spill some drink down his suit. Rodney Hey Del, look. Del What? (Turns and sees the girls) Ah no, they've only pinched our table. Rodney Don't worry about the table, Del. Look at them two. Del But I want to sit down, Rodney. Rodney We'll sit down at their table. Come on. Rodney strides confidently across the dance floor towards the girls. Del remains at the wall brushing the drink from his suit. As Rodney reaches the half-way mark he becomes aware that he is alone. He hurries back to Del. Rodney (cont'd) Well go on then Del! Del Go on then what? Rodney Do the bizzo. Chat 'em up. Del How come it's always me who's gotta do the donkey work, eh? You're like a spy you are, Rodders. You find where the enemy are hiding but I'm the one who's gotta charge across no man's land and capture 'em! Well I think it's about time you took a bit of shot and shell. Go on. Rodney You mean chat 'em up? Del Yeah. Go on. Rodney Alright then, I'll do it. Del Go on then. Rodney Alright I will. Rodney takes out his 'body language' book and consults it - begins preparations, loosens shoulders, pulling the belly in - generally psyching himself up. Del What you doing? Rodney Eh? Del What you doing? Rodney Psyching meself up. Del Oh! Del catches the two girls looking. Del shouts across the empty dance floor. Del It's alright, he'll be with you in a minute girls, he's just psyching himself up. Rodney turns and tries to hide himself in the wall. Rodney For God's sake shut up, will you?! Del What do you think you're playing at? This is kamikaze time, Rodney - get over there! Rodney I will! Del Well go on then! Rodney In my own time, Del! Rodney pauses, and takes out book. Del Well go on then. Rodney Just shut up, will you? After preparing himself, Rodney starts to move across the floor. He walks in what best can be described as an exaggerated John Wayne style. Del reacts. He looks around the club with alarm hoping that no one has noticed Rodney. As Rodney reaches the middle of the dance floor Del shouts at him. Del Oi soppy. Come here. Rodney stops, cringing with embarrassment. He returns. Rodney I'd like to kill you sometimes. Sometimes I'd really like to hurt you bad. Del What was that silly walk for? Your guts playing you up again? Rodney It wasn't a silly walk. It was body language. I've got this book on it. Del Body language? I thought you were limping. Rodney I was 'talking' to them! Del Talking? You were lisping then, Rodney. What was you supposed to be saying? Rodney The walk was saying pelvis, virility. It was saying here comes a man who's got natural masculinity and maturity! Del Well from back here it was saying here comes a man who's got his truss on back to front. Don't do it Rodney, just don't do it. Go over again and this time, walk normal. Rodney I'm not going back there now, Del. I've made myself look a right lemon. Del No you haven't. Rodney What after aborting me attempt half-way? You go. Del Me? After you've made a right lemon of yourself? No way bruv! I'll tell you what we'll do, we'll act cool. Rodney moans at the thought of trying to act cool after the events of the last minute. Del (cont'd) We'll stroll over to the bar and get ourselves another drink. Then we'll wait till they're not looking. Rodney (Hopefully) Sneak out. Del No. When they're not looking and then we'll ambush 'em. You wally. Come on. INT. NIGHT. THE MONTE CARLO CLUB. The two girls are still at the table, talking. Del and Rodney are slumped at the bar. Del is in deep thought - plotting. The blonde girl catches Rodney looking at her, she smiles at him. Rodney attempts a smile back then thinks better of it and lowers his eyes. Rodney Hey. Del. Del Right I've got it. No, shut up, shut up. This is what we're gonna do. You leave the club. Rodney Leave? Del Yeah, then give it a couple of minutes and come back and say to the doorman outside that there's a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three-wheeled van. Rodney Why? Del Because he'll announce over the mike 'Would the owner of the brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche kindly move it as it's obstructing some sap's three-wheeled van! Then I will casually stand up - jangling me keys - and join you outside. Rodney Why? Del Well because them two birds will think that I drive a brand-new Rolls Royce Corniche. Rodney Oh yeah, Yeah, but they'll also think that I drive a three- wheeled van. Del But you do. Rodney I know I do, but I don't want them knowing that, do I! Del But they won't know that will they 'cause you'll be outside. Rodney Yeah with you. Del Right. Rodney So that means the girls will be in here in the warm and us two shrewdies'll be outside on the pavement somewhere congratu- lating each other! And then we'll have to pay to get in again. Del grudgingly submits to the argument. Del Yeah yeah alright clever Dick! Look, let's just play it by ear, shall we. We'll go over there and engage 'em in conversation. Rodney Oh no, hold it minute Del. They are about to move away from the bar. Rodney Hang on a minute. Del What?? Rodney What sort of conversation you going to engage them in? I mean you always tell lies, don't you? You tell 'em we've got flash cars and we're film producers and we got a private jet! Del Everyone exaggerates now then listen, Rodney. Rodney But I never know what to say. I get embarrassed! Let's just tell 'em the truth. Tell 'em about our likes and what we do. Del Rodney, all I want to do is sit down. You do the talking. Rodney Right. They are about to move away again. Del God Almighty. Rodney What shall I tell them? Del You can tell 'em we went down the auction last Friday and bought a 1962 A.40 that you sold thirty Christmas trees in the market and two gross of fire salvaged Rubik cubes in Croydon shopping precinct. Tantalize 'em Rodney, tantalize 'em. Rodney You don't think it'll bore 'em? Del No. They wouldn't have had so much fun since their last exorcism! Rodney We can talk about Christmas! Del Yeah, tell 'em about them giblets. Let's go. Rodney No Del, hold it. Del I'll kick you in the shin in a minute. Now what? Rodney Which one d'you fancy? Del Not yours, Rodney. Look, they're both very nice. I ain't particular. Rodney No, I'm not particular either. Del Good! I'll have the blonde one then. Rodney I fancied the blonde one! Del Gordon Bennett!! The dark- haired one's very nice, Rodney. And if I'm not mistaken I've seen her two or three times coming out of Guy's hospital. Now either she's a very sick girl or she's a nurse. Now you like a nice nurse, don't you, particularly in uniform, eh? Rodney (Casual shrug) Take it or leave it. Anyway she's not wearing her uniform, is she? Del Well of course not. You don't come to the Monte Carlo club dressed up as Sister George do you. But she might have her uniform with her. Rodney Oh yeah! Stuffed in her handbag in case she sees an accident on the way home. Del Alright, so she ain't got her uniform with her. But on the other hand, she might be able to give you something for your stomach might'n she. Now come along, we're making our move now Rodney, and I'm doing all the talking. So if you should hear words like Lamborghini, Malibu Beach or Lady Diana, don't get nervous. Rodney Alright then. They start to move from the bar and begin their approach. As they do so two other guys appear from out of the crowd at the bar and ask the girls to dance. Del and Rodney are stunned as the two girls wrap themselves round their new partners. Del (Hurls his cigar to the floor) You dozy little twonk, Rodney. Rodney Me? Don't blame me Del, it's your fault. Del My fault? Just five minutes ago I was about to make me move, but you kept calling me back. Rodney An hour ago I was half-way across that floor and you called me back. Del That's 'cause you was doing a silly walk. And anyway your timing was all wrong. The birds had hardly sat down and you were steaming across that floor like Ivor the Engine. It's no good just crashing in with a smile and a prayer. A woman needs time, Rodney. Rodney Them tactics have never failed me in the past. Del Well they wouldn't with the little Ovaltinies you chat up. I've heard your line of patter my son. If they don't know Adam Ant's birthday or the Chelsea result, it's goodnight Vienna, innit? With me, it's different. I take a woman's feelings into consideration. Rodney laughs. Del I do. When a woman goes out with me she is guaranteed three things - well four actually, but the fourth's an optional extra. One: she's guaranteed a well dressed man. Two: she is guaranteed a steak meal. And she is guaranteed care and consideration. Oh yes she is. I take a woman's feelings into consideration. They are fragile things. It's so easy to hurt her deeply with a thoughtless word, a badly timed gesture. No, I care about people's feelings. There's too much pain in this world Rodney without me causing more! We see the two plain girls, still seated at the table, and still smiling at Del. Del smiles back sympathetically. He checks his watch. He and Rodney move across to the girls. Del (In a softly spoken, sympathetic voice) Excuse me, Ladies. It's getting rather late and my brother and I were wondering if you were thinking of going home yet? The two girls stand eagerly. 1st Girl Oh yes, we were just going to get our coats. Del (Now the real Del) Oh good, we'll have your chairs then. Come on Rodney. (Sits down on chair) Rodney turns away unable to face the two wretched girls.


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                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
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