Only Fools And Horses

Time On Our Hands

INT. NIGHT. TROTTER FLAT. STUDIO. It is 6.30am. A worried, pressurised Raquel is seated at the pub-bench table. She is studying a recipe book and making notes for a shopping list. On the table is a tea pot and cornflakes, etc. Raquel (To herself) Potatoes... garlic... lemon grass. Lemon grass! Where the hell am I gonna get lemon grass from? Oh to hell with it, we'll have it without lemon grass. Del, in dressing gown and just woke up, enters from bed- rooms area. Del It's six thirty, what are you doing up? Raquel I couldn't sleep. I'm worried about tonight. Del Raquel, it's only your Mum and Dad coming for dinner. Raquel It's not only my Mum and Dad coming for dinner. Del What, are they bringing some neighbours or some- thing? Raquel I mean, it's not that simple! My parents and I didn't see each other for years - didn't even talk. Del I know. But you've kissed and made up now, ain't you? You and Damien, spent the weekend at their house. Raquel I know. But now they're coming here! They've never been to the flat before. I've never cooked for them before... They've never met you before. Del Exactly! I'll be right by your side. What have you told them about me? Raquel Well... I said your name was Derek... That's about it really. Del Well, with someone like me that's all you need to know. What you gonna do us to eat? Raquel Noisettes of lamb in red wine and cognac. Del You don't need to go to that trouble, sweetheart, a bacon sandwich'll do... Oh you mean tonight! Lamb in red wine and cognac. Lovely jubbly. It's gonna be a great evening. Albert enters from bedroom and crosses to hall. Del Morning, Unc. Albert Morning all. Raquel And another thing. You promised you'd get another table and some proper chairs! We can't eat at this thing. Del It's all taken care of, sweetheart. Denzil's coming round later to take all this gear away and deliver our new stuff. I don't know why you're going to all this bother. I did say we could take 'em out for dinner. I'm really well in with the manager at the local restaurant. Raquel No, this is my home now and if my parents want me back in their lives they'd better get used to it. Besides, Spudulike's always full on a Friday. Del Have it your way, I'll do us a bit of breakfast, shall I? Raquel OK. Will you check behind the bar and see if we've got any cognac? Del There's loads. Albert, what d'you want? Albert Well, if we're starting early I'll have a cognac as well. Del That's for tonight's meal! I'll pour you a cup of tea. Albert, tell Raquel to stop worrying and fussing about this meal tonight will you? Albert You've got nothing to worry about, love. We'll all lend a hand. You do the meat and I'll do the gravy. Del See, I'll do the veg, I'm a dab hand with a pint of water and a bucket of cabbage. Albert The only thing we've gotta worry about is whether those bloody lifts are working - they broke down twice this week. We can't have Cassandra climbing up all those stairs, not after what she's been through. Are her and Rodney coming to dinner? Raquel Well, I invited them. But the way they are at the moment, who knows. Del I hope they do - they need to get out. Raquel What d'you mean? Rodney's out every night! Del He's going through a very bad time, Raquel. Raquel He's going through a very bad time? How d'you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club. Del I know that! But she's a woman, isn't she? She's stronger than Rodney. I've known him all his life. He's always found it difficult to face up to things that hurt him. He tends to walk away and pretend it isn't happening. That's what he's doing now. But once he gets it off his chest he'll be fine. The telephone rings. Del (Cont'd) (On phone) Trotters Independent Traders ... Hello, Cassandra, what are you doing up early?... Was he? (To Raquel) Rodney was only out again last night till the early hours. Raquel I know, you were with him! Del Eh? Oh yeah! (Handing Raquel the phone) Here are, you talk to Cassandra. Raquel I'll take it in the kitchen. Raquel exits to the kitchen. Albert What Rodney needs is a counter-worry. Del You what? Albert During the... Del If you say during the war, I'll pour this cup of tea over your ead! Albert I wasn't going to say during the war! Del Alright, then. Albert Bloody little know all. Del Sorry. Albert That's alright. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany - I was sailing on a frigate, HMS Sphinx, in the Adriatic. Now in those days a ship's crew was full of stress and fear. Del Especially when they saw you walking up the gangplank! Albert So our old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, used to allay all those fears by creating a counter-worry. Like one day he announced there was a cholera epidemic on the ship. Del I bet that cheered you all up, didn't it? Albert It took their minds off the U-boats and sharks. Del Well, thanks for that, Unc. It's lucky your Captain Kenworthy never became a Samaritan. You wouldn't be able to get a tug under Chelsea Bridge for falling bodies! Raquel enters from the kitchen. Raquel He's still the same. Cassandra said he's even stopped going to see the Councillor at the hospital. Del Well, Albert reckons that we ought to tell Rodney there's a cholera epidemic in Peckham and that should get him out of his mood. Albert I said give him a counter- worry. Look, if Rodney thought a close friend or a relative was ill he'd start worrying about them and stop worrying about himself. Raquel Yeah, I see. So when that person becomes better Rodney would have forgotten what he was worried about in the first place. Albert Exactly. Raquel It's worth a try. It's got to be someone he really cares for. Del Damien. Raquel How can you ask a five year old to act ill? Albert I could pretend to be ill. Del Yeah, but how can he notice the difference? It's gotta be me, innit? We hear the front door slam. Del Listen to me, I'm ill alright? Del lays on the settee and begins coughing and wheezing. Rodney enters wearing his working clothes. Rodney Morning. Albert Morning, son. How's Cassandra? Rodney Fine, thank you. Del (Pained and ill) Morning, Rodney. (Coughs) How are you? Del coughs again. Rodney Alright. Rodney sits and reads the newspaper. Raquel Del's not very well, Rodney. Rodney Oh, I'll go home then. Del No, I might make a recovery. Albert We called the doctor in last night. Rodney (Couldn't care less) Yeah. Del I suppose you're wondering what he said? Rodney (Concentrating on paper) What? Del He said I would live - but he doesn't recommend it. Rodney Right. Raquel (Quietly) I'm worried about him, Rodney. Has he ever suffered with pleurisy? Rodney Only when he tries to spell it. Raquel I'll make a pot of tea. Raquel exits to kitchen. There is a pause while Rodney continues reading the news- paper apparently oblivious of the other two. Del looks to Albert. Albert shrugs. Del, forgetting himself, calls out. Del Raquel. Del now remembers he is ill and coughs. Del (Cont'd) (Weakly) Could I have a cup of tea too, please? Rodney It's alright. I'll get it. Del Thank you Rodney. Rodney exits to kitchen. Del sits up. Del (Cont'd) You uncaring little git! I could be on me last knockings here and you don't give a toss if I've got yellow fever or foot- fungus! Cut to kitchen. Raquel is pouring boiling water into the' teapot. Rodney Del wants a cup as well. What's wrong? Raquel I'm just worried, that's all. A man can't keep on drinking and smoking and staying out late without it having some effect. Rodney There's no need to worry, Raquel. Del's one of them people who survive everything.. They're a sort of tribe. You find members of 'em in every country in the world. Their entire lifestyles and philosophies fly in the face of medical science. They drink too much, eat greasy food and smoke cigars and cigar- ettes, but nothing ever happens to them. Anyone else tried it and they'd be dead by forty, but this tribe just goes on. They usually pass away peacefully in their sleep aged ninety - next to 'em is a burnt-out roll-up, an untouched sausage sandwich and a half-finished Guinness. And don't ask whether Del's one of them Raquel, 'cos he is! He is. Raquel Actually Rodney, I was talking about you. Rodney Me? There's nothing wrong with me! Raquel Rodney, you've been banned from The Nag's Head. Serial killers don't get barred from that pub! I know what’s happened and I can only try to imagine how you and Cassy must be feeling. But you're out almost every night at the pub, leaving her alone in the flat. Rodney Cass wants to be on her own. Raquel No, she doesn't. She wants support. She wants you... I'm not stupid enough to say forget what's happened - you never can. What I'm saying is; get back to basics, to all the everyday things that have to be taken care of. You've gotta do it for Cassandra and for you and for the baby you will one day have. Raquel smiles reassuringly at him but Rodney turns away, refusing to discuss the matter. Raquel shrugs and exits to lounge. EXT. DAY. DEL'S GARAGE/GARAGE BLOCK. Five hours later. Rodney is working in the garage trying to itemise all the various bits and pieces that TITco has acquired over the years. Scattered around the many shelves in the garage are various boxes of batteries, electrical plugs, smoke detectors, sunglasses, superglue, frying pans, ladies tights, etc. Hanging on one wall is Del's old diving suit. On the garage floor (and outside the garage) we see a pile of cobweb covered briefcases, bits of cars, a couple of bicycle frames, two or three tea chests full of gold toot and against one wall an ancient gas stove. Rodney, still in his depressed, distant mood, is checking through the items and making notes in a small pa. He is throwing himself into work in an almost obsessional way. Del Alright, Rodders? What you up to? Rodney Cataloguing our stock. I'm gonna put all of this on computer. Del Computer? Rodney, we've had this discussion before. It's dangerous. Someone could hack in and find what we've got. Rodney Hack into our computer? Del, if we found someone was hacking into our computer all the police would have to do is go an' arrest Mr Bean! We need to record it on floppy disc, Del, so we know exactly what we've got. Rodney pulls open the drawer on a small, old, cardboard filing box which contains a few ancient pieces of paper. Rodney Look, these are the records for... Trotters Independent Traders. I began filing 'em when I first started working for you sixteen years ago. But you told me to stop it. Del Because we don't need them, do we? (Taps temple) It's all up here, Rodney. Squirrels don't have computers but they know where their nuts are. Rodney But where d'you get it all from? Del How should I know? It's like a verruca - you know you've got it, but you don't know where it come from. Rodney Well, I'm gonna make a note of everything. And I'm gonna chuck a lot of this junk out. Del Now you be careful, Rodney. Remember, one man's junk is another man's treasures. Rodney Derek, we have got a pile of Showaddywaddy LPs in the corner under a tyre for a Triumph Herald and an artificial limb. These are not gonna make big news on The Antiques Roadshow! Del Those LPs are collectors items. Rodney Well let's find a one- legged Showaddywaddy freak and flog 'em to him! And if he turns up in a Triumph Herald we've had a result! Del What is the matter with you, Rodney? The moment his words leave his lips, Del closes his eyes and silently curses himself. Rodney What's the matter with me? Didn't anyone tell you? Del Rodney, I didn't mean it like that! Rodney My wife was rushed to hospital a fortnight ago and we lost... There's nothing wrong with me, Del Boy. Everything's hunky dory. Del Rodney, I'm sorry! What I meant was... Rodney I had a dream a few weeks ago. In this dream you and Damien ruled the world. Del (Pleased with the prospect) Oh yeah? Rodney Yeah. You owned companies, corporations, conglomer- ates everywhere... It was horrible! Del What d'you mean? Rodney You know what I was? I was the messenger! I mean, you and Damien were presidents and chairmen and I was a bloody messenger! And then I started thinking, maybe it wasn't a dream, maybe it's a prophecy. You know, like in the Bible when King David saw seven fat cows and seven skinny ones. Del No, that sounds more like he's come out of the Nag's Head disco! Del laughs. Rodney doesn't. Rodney Perhaps it was a prophecy that I would always be the messenger! The messenger of bloody doom! I mean, nothing has ever gone right for me, has it? I mean, am I being punished for something I did in a previous life? If I am I wish to God I knew what I'd done 'cos I might have enjoyed it! Del I know how you feel, Rodders. Rodney I don't think you do, Del! All my life I've tried to do the right thing. Del So have I, Rodney. Rodney I've been kind to people. Del Me too. Rodney I've never hurt anyone. Del Nor have I. Rodney I've paid my taxes. Del We all do our bit. Rodney And what's been my rewards? Knock-backs, put-downs and sand in me face. I'd love a bit of good luck, Del. Not just for me, for all of us. For me and Cassandra, for you and Raquel, for Damien and Albert. I just wish something good would turn up. Del is standing by an old tea chest filled with bits and pieces of old rubbish. Del Everyone feels the same, Rodney. That's why everyone's doing the Lottery! (Referring to tea chest) If this was life's lucky dip, I'd like to put my hand in and go, da daaa. (Lifts out a pocket watch) Bing! There you are, Rodney, I've changed our lives. But ain't that easy is it? Rodney No. Del throws the watch carelessly away. We see it land on the top grill of the old gas stove. Del I tell you what, you don't you and Cassandra come round for dinner tonight? Rodney I don't fancy it, Del. Del I've got Raquel's Mum and Dad coming round. Rodney That's why I don't fancy it! Del Come on, Rodders! I'm a bit nervous. Raquel's old man's a successful antiques dealer. I don't know what we're gonna talk about. I mean the only antique I've got is Albert. You and Cassie are bright! So when I cock up, which I'm bound to, you and her can keep the conversation bubbling along... Come on Rodney - for me. Rodney I'm not in the mood, I've got other things on me mind. Del Yeah, I understand. Why don't we go up to the flat and talk about those other things? Rodney I don't wanna - why does everyone want me to talk about it? Del You've gotta talk about it! Rodney Got to? What is this, some new law Brussels have introduced? Your wife's had a mis - bad turn, so you've got to talk about it? Del Alright, alright. Let's just go up to the flat and have a cup of tea. They both wander away. INT. DAY. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE/LIFT FOYER. Three minutes later. One of the lift doors has got an 'out of order' sign on it. Del and Rodney enter and Rodney presses for second lift. Del Have you made any attempt to discuss this with Cassandra? Rodney Del, will you just leave it alone!? Del I'm only tryin' to help, Rodney. You just can't keep walking away from it. Rodney I am not walking away from it! Look, you get the lift, I'll take the stairs. The lift doors open. Del Look, hang about. It's here now... Come on, I won't mention it again. Del and Rodney enter the lift. INT. DAY. THE LIFT. The lift walls are covered in graffiti. 'Chelsea FC' 'Millwall FC', a few graffiti tags. Del presses the button for floor 12. The lift door closes and we hear the hum of the motor. Rodney Look at the state of these lifts! What's going on in their brains? Del Bunch of half-heads, aren't they? Rodney spots a small piece of graffiti which reads: 'Del Boy is a sex machine'. Rodney Look! 'Del Boy is a sex machine'. Who'd write something like that? Del (Guilty) Dunno! Rodney now spots another small piece of graffiti (which we don't see). At this point we concentrate on Rodney and cannot see what Del is doing. Rodney (Reads) 'Rodney Trotter...' ... The lying gits! Now the hum of the lift motor stops. We hear a metallic shaking as if the car has shuddered to a halt. Rodney looks up to the ceiling and then around him. Rodney (Cont'd) What's happened? Del (Immediately an uneasiness) It's broken down. They're always breaking down! Poxy bloody council. Rodney What's the matter with you? Del Nothing's the matter with me! Just take it easy, Rodney. Rodney I'll press the alarm button. Del I'll do it! Good thinking Rodney! Alarm button. Del, apparently, presses the alarm, but because the button is masked by his body, we don't actually see him do it. There is no response from button. Del It's broken! I don't believe it, even the alarm's broken! Del starts kicking the metal walls. Del (Shouting) Help! Help. Two men are trapped in the lift! Rodney Alright, alright! There's no need to get in a lather about it. Someone will press for the lift in a minute, realise it's not working and call the engineers. We'll be out soon. Del I just don't like being closed in like this. Rodney I never knew you were claustrophobic. Del I'm not! I just don't like being closed in like this! Rodney Look, let's just sit own on the floor and relax. They'll be here in a minute. Del Yeah, yeah, that's the way bruv, nice and easy, nice and easy does it. They sit with their backs to the wall. Rodney The oxygen right falls down to the bottom, this way we get cleaner air. Del Good, good! We stay on Rodney as he notices another piece of graffiti. Now Rodney becomes aware of smoke drifting across his face. We see Del has lit a cigar. INT. DAY. TROTTER HALL. Thirty minutes later. Denzil and his assistant are man- oeuvering the last of the furniture out of the front door. They are both absolutely exhausted. Raquel is in a state of shock. Denzil wipes sweat from his brow. Denzil Your lifts have broken again! We had to carry that stuff up twelve flights of stairs. Del said him and Rodney'd be here to help. Where are they? Raquel (Numbly) Dunno. Denzil Look, it's not my fault, Raquel. Del asked me to deliver that table and to store this patio stuff in my lock-up. Raquel Yes. Denzil (Gesturing to lounge) And the table and chairs are only on hire, they've gotta go back by Monday, they're having a big do at the town hall. Raquel Yes. Denzil And then I'll be bringing all this stuff back. Raquel Oh good! Denzil Yeah. (To assistant) Come on then! INT. DAY. THE LIFT. Thirty minutes later. Del and Rodney have both removed their coats and unbuttoned their shirts. They are both sweating. Del paces, his claustrophobia reaching breaking point. Del They're not here yet, are they? Rodney Give 'em time. Sit down, take it easy. Del sits down next to Rodney. Rodney Let's play a game. Del A game? You got a ball on you then? Rodney No. A different sort of game. I Spy. Del I Spy? Rodney Yeah. Go on, you can go first. Del Alright, dopey! I spy with my little eye something beginning with W. Rodney Er... walls? Del Walls. Yes, that's right. Well, that's the end of that game then, innit? Rodney Well, you choose the game. Del How about hide'n'seek? Del now stands and paces again. Rodney I never thought I'd see you like this! You're acting like a big kid just 'cos we're stuck in a lift for a while. Del Yes, well you don't know how I feel! Del kicks the door a couple of times. Del (Cont'd) I feel... I feel sort of frightened! You don't know what that's like! Rodney I don't know what it's like! How d'you think I've felt for the last couple of weeks since Cassie... since what happened? Del I don't know, Rodney, I don't know how you've felt! Rodney Well, I'll tell you, fright- ened ain't the word! D'you know what I did last night? Del No, but I bet it was depressing! Rodney I sat and read my diaries from when I was a school kid. Del See, I was right! Rodney No, not quite. I actually noticed moments of hope inside those pages - I mean there weren't many - just the occasional oasis of promise in a desert of pessimism. They were simple hopes, as you'd expect for someone of my age. I hoped for - hairs, hoped I'd do well in my exams, I even hoped for a good job when I left school. Del Well, you got hairs, didn't you? Think how Right Said Fred must feel. Rodney Me and Cass were so happy, Del. We were looking forward and all we could see in front of us was a big wide highway and we were just cruising like we were in a Rolls-Royce. And suddenly it came to a shuddering halt - just like the poxy lift. Suddenly 'Happy Families' became 'Dungeons and Dragons'. And I've never felt sodding pain like that in all my life. Del Is Cassandra hurting? Rodney Well of course she is! Del How d'you now? You haven't talked to her about it. Rodney No, and d'you know why? Because... it's because... It's almost like if I don't talk about it, it might not be true. Del But it is. Rodney I now! I know. But if I don't say it... Del If you don't say what? Rodney We lost our baby! Del But you did - and now you've said it. Rodney Yeah. I've said it! You just shield yourself from it, you know. I've just been lying, ain't I? Del In a way. And what about Cassandra? Rodney Not her. Cassandra can't tell a lie. Del Raquel can, the moment one leaves my lips. They both laugh. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' HALL/LOUNGE. Albert enters carrying a 'wine rack' shopping bag that tinkles with bottles. He too is exhausted. Albert (Calls) Both those lifts have broken down again! Albert opens the door to the lounge. Albert opens door from hall. The bench-type pub table and all the patio furniture has been replaced by a long, twelve seater dining table and 12 chairs - the kind you might find in a manor house. There is no three piece suite for anyone to sit on. Raquel is just standing and staring at the furniture. Albert Is this the stuff Del was talking about? Raquel Yes. INT. DAY. THE LIFT. Rodney Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might - sort of break her. Del No. She's strong, Rodney. It's a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what mum used to say when things went wrong. Rodney Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it. Del Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel. Rodney What do I say to her? Del All the things you just told me - well, you can leave the bit about the hairs out. You go home and have a heart to heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight. Rodney Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift. Del Oh yeah. Del now moves to lift's control panel and opens it. Del Let's have a look in here. Rodney (It suddenly dawns on him) Your claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it? Del Yeah, I seem to be over the worst. Rodney Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning. Rodney stands. Del Well, these things come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. Del turns a switch and we hear the hum of the lift motor and the metallic shuddering as the lift begins moving again. Del (Cont'd) There you go. Rodney You git! You stopped it! Del It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift. Rodney You git! Del is laughing. Now Rodney is laughing too. Rodney (Cont'd) You! You git! INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/HALL. The big table is laid for dinner. It's busy and edgy, everyone rushing in and out of the kitchen trying to help. Rodney is opening a bottle of sherry. Cassandra is placing wine glasses on the table. Del is behind the cocktail bar pouring himself a Tia Maria and Lucozade. Raquel enters from the kitchen and checks the table. Raquel What else, what else? I'm bound to have forgotten something. Cassandra Everything's fine. Calm down. You'll have a hot flush in a minute. Raquel I'm just so nervous some- thing will go wrong... Del, please don't use any of your French phrases on my parents. Del Right you are sweetheart. Aren't they up on the old French then? Raquel No... The meat! Raquel rushes to the kitchen. Rodney I'll get some wine, put it in the cooler. Del (To Cassandra) Well, we seem to have everything under control. Damien is seated at the end of the table playing with a Star Wars type space rocket. He lands it on and across the table. Del Damien! Don't do that! (Taking the rocket from Damien) It's only plastic, you'll break it. Cassandra What did you say to Rodney? Del Me? Nothing. Cassandra He came home and he was - I don't know - kind of different. We sat down and talked about what happened and he accepts it now. He seems ready to get on with things. Del It was nothing to do with me Cassandra. I told you, give Rodney time and he'll come round all on his own. Cassandra Yeah... She kisses Del on the cheek. Cassandra (Cont'd) Thank you. Del That's what I'm here for. Rodney, with wine, and Albert, in best sit and rows of medals, enters from kitchen followed by Raquel. Albert I've made the gravy and put it in the oven. Raquel Thank you, Albert. Rodney Where we gonna sit once dinner's finished? Del (Indicating the same places) You'll sit there, Cassandra will sit there, Raquel... At this point the front door bell rings. Everyone now freezes and looks towards hall. Raquel Oh God! Albert Calm down the lot of you. I'll answer the door. Lot of good you'd have been on the Russian convoys. Cut to Trotters' hall. Albert enters from the lounge and opens the front door to James and Audrey, Raquel's parents. James is in his early 60s, well-spoken and smartly dressed. He is an ex-navy man who enjoys a laugh and a drink. He is carrying a bottle wrapped in paper. Audrey is in her mid 50s, middle class, well meaning but lacking in sense of humour - not a fierce person - just doesn't get jokes. Albert Good evening. You must be Raquel's parents. James Yes. My wife, Audrey, and I'm James. Albert Lovely to meet you. Please follow me. Albert exits to lounge. James is looking at Audrey questionably. Audrey (Whispering) She did say he was older than her. James I now, but... Cut to lounge. James and Audrey enter. Raquel Hi Mum, Dad. James Hello, darling. Audrey Darling. Damien rushes at them. Damien Nanny, Grandad! James picks Damien up. James Hello champ, how are you? Raquel Mum, Dad, this is Derek's brother. Rodney, and his wife, Cassandra. James and Audrey. Rodney/Cassandra Pleased to meet you. James Pleasure. Audrey Lovely to meet you. Raquel And this is my... this is Derek. Del Au revoir. Audrey Oh you're Derek. (About to indicate Albert) We thought... James (A false cough) We thought... we thought you were busy working this evening. Del Oh no, not on a special occasion like this. James As it is a special occasion I've bought this rather nice bottle of port. It's 15 years old. Del 15. We'll have to e careful with that, it might have acne! (Laughs) Please, Jim, Audrey take a seat and I will fetch us an aperitif. As Del passes Rodney and Cassandra, he winks at them. Del I'm knocking 'em bandy! We see Rodney and Cassandra look at each other - Del's going OTT already. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. LOUNGE/KITCHEN. The first course is finished and cleared from the table. Now the table is loaded down with tureens of vegetables and covered silver salver containing the noisettes of lamb. Del is dishing the lamb onto plates as Raquel brings another tureen in. Albert enters from the kitchen with the gravy boat. Albert then returns to kitchen. Del Rodney, would you fill the glasses, please? Rodney Yes of course. More wine Audrey... James? James No, I don't think I should. I've got to drive back to the hotel tonight. Raquel Why don't you get a cab back, pick the car up in the morning? James What d'you think? Audrey It's your decision. James What the hell. Pour away, Rodney. Del Yes, that's the spirit, you know it makes sense. You can always leave your car outside... (Reacts) On second thoughts we'd better put the car in the garage. James Is it not safe outside? Del Well, not if you've become attached to your wheels it's not. (Handing last plate out) There we go, look, s'cuse the fingers. I'll just get another bottle of wine. Del exits to kitchen. James So Albert was in the navy? Raquel Very much so. James I was in the Royal Navy myself, twelve years, first officer. Cassandra You and Albert'll have to have a chat. Rodney (Under his breath) After we've gone home! Cut to kitchen. Albert is making the coffee, pouring boiling water into a glass coffee pot. Del is uncorking another bottle of wine. Del The old wine's going down well, we need another bottle. What are you doing? Albert I've made the coffee. Del It's too early. They've only just got their main course. Albert It don't usually take us that long to finish our dinner. Del But we're not galloping down a Big Mac and chips, are we? We've got guests, we're taking our time savouring the food and the ambience, we're sipping the wine and we're conversing. They're having a chat between each mouthful. It's sophisti- cated, it's civilised... (Picking up coffee pot) I'll stick it in the micro- wave. Del now gets a wiff of the coffee - he smells it again. Del (Cont'd) What coffee d'you make this with? Albert That jar over there. We see a jar of coffee and next to it a jar of gravy granules. Del This ain't coffee, smell it! It's bloody gravy! Albert (Smells it) Yeah, that's gravy. It's not my fault, it's them jars! Look at 'em! How am I supposed to tell the difference? Del It's easy! One's got Nescafé Coffee on the label and the other's got Bisto granules! Albert Well, I was in a hurry and I got 'em mixed up. Del Wait a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, what are they pouring over their dinners? Cut to lounge. Rodney, Cassandra, Raquel, James, Audrey and Damien are all at the table with their dinners in front of them. James is pouring gravy over his dinner. James This looks lovely darling. Rodney Yeah looks great, Raquel. Raquel Thank you. The door to the kitchen opens and Del pops his head out. Del Alright? Audrey is pouring gravy over her dinner. Audrey Wonderful. Del Cushty. Del closes door. Cut to kitchen. Del They've done it. They're doing it now. They're pouring Maxwell bleedin' House over their lamb noisettes and veg. I don't believe you! Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you ever sailed on, now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat! What are we gonna do? Albert Well, I ain't having any of it! Albert exits to the lounge leaving a worried Del in the kitchen. Cut to lounge. Albert enters and takes his place at the table. Damien is about to eat some of the food. Raquel Not yet, darling, wait for Daddy. James So, how long were you in the navy, Albert? Albert Over fifty years, man and boy. Started in the merchant, went on to the Royal then back to the merchant. Audrey Amazing. You must have some stories to tell. Rodney Oh God yes. Del enters from the kitchen with an open bottle of wine. Del Sorry to have kept you, bit of trouble with the cork. Del takes his place at the table. Cassandra (Offering the gravy boat) Del? Del No! I mean I'm tryin' to give it up. (Offers boat to Albert) Uncle? Albert Not for me, son. Del Go on, have some! (Quietly) You git! James Are you a naval man, Derek? Del Me? Not really James, I'm more of a leg man myself. Raquel No, Dad meant were you in the navy! Del Oh I see. No, although when I was younger I toyed with the idea of a career in the services. Audrey has just taken a mouthful of food. She reacts to the coffee and lamb flavour. Raquel Everything alright, Mum? Audrey (With mouthful of food) Mmmhh! Damien This is horrible! Raquel eats some food and reacts. She looks to Del who shrugs. We now see Rodney and Cassandra reacting to the vile taste. James I hope you won't be offended darling, but I'm rather full up. Rodney/Cassandra/Audrey Same here! Del We've got a lovely sweet out there, apple, every- thing. Audrey I'm not really that hungry. Rodney/Cassandra/James Me neither. Raquel Alright... Well, 'll fetch the coffee. Del Right. As Raquel enters kitchen, Del and Albert look at each other in horror knowing Raquel is about to bring in a pot of gravy. INT. DAY. DEL'S GARAGE/GARAGE BLOCK. Following morning. Del has just reversed James's car (a small BMW) out of the garage and is parking it as James arrives on foot. Rodney, in working clothes, is inside the garage continuing his cataloguing of the Trotters' stock. Del Ahoy there, Jimmy. James Morning, Derek... Rodney. Rodney How are you this morning? James Oh fine. Had a bit of a jippy tummy last night. Del Must have been something you drank. James More than likely. Well, thanks for looking after the car. Del Mais oui, my pleasure. James So this is your Aladdin’s cave I've heard so much about? Del Yes, we are very much in the same business, Jimbo. You're an antiques dealer and I'm... I've got some interesting pieces. James Yes! Well, must dash, long journey. You'll have to come and visit us sometime. Del Love to. Drive carefully. James is now looking round the inside of the garage. James is just about to move to his car when he spots something on top of the old gas stove. James What's that? Rodney Em... It's a gas stove. James No, on top of it. James picks up the old, tarnished watch. Del Oh that's just an old watch I got out of a house clearance years ago. I've got a lovely collection of Showaddywaddy LPs. James opens the watch and looks inside. James Good Lord! Del Yeah, it's dirty, innit? Rodney, you got any of that WD40 there? James No, I mean, it has the name 'Harrison' engraved on it. You see there? 'Harrison. AD 1774'. Del Yeah, I never looked inside. Is that good? James Good? John Harrison was just about the finest watchmaker of his time - of any time. How did you come by this watch, Derek? Del Well, it was about fifteen, sixteen years ago. There was this old girl from Deptford way. She owned a pawn shop. Anyway she died, no family, so the shop was sold off and the landlord of her house asked me to clear the place out. I found that up in the loft. James Did the landlord pay you to clear the house? Del You're joking, the tight old git. No, I was given a score for the privilege. Although I found a lovely little rocking chair that went for fifty sovs, so I was happy. James Would you have any proof that this watch is your property? A receipt, something like that. Del No, you see, I don't keep receipts, they just clutter the place up and... Rodney Hold on. Sixteen years ago? That's when I started working for you. Del Yes thank you, Rodney, leave This Is Your Life to Michael Aspel. Rodney I mean, I kept files in those day. Del and Rodney move to the small cardboard cabinet and Rodney begins sifting through the small amount of paperwork. James remains by cooker. James You see, Derek, I'm some- thing of an amateur horologist. Del (Quietly) I thought it was too good to be true. Now he's gonna tell our bloody fortune. Rodney No, an horologist. It means an expert in watches. Del Oh, that sort of horologist. Rodney produces a piece of paper. Rodney I've got it, I've got it. The receipt from the land- lord. (Reading from receipt) For two paintings, four jugs, one rocking chair - one silver fob watch engraved 'Harrison'. Del Good boy, Rodney. What have I always told you? Make a note of everything. You never know when you might need it. Del gives the receipt to James. Del (Cont'd) There you go, Jimbo. James This is marvellous. I've never been so excited. Del I bet Audrey had a blind- ing honeymoon! Rodney What exactly do you think it is then? James I'm almost too frightened to say! Let me give you a brief history lesson. Back in the early seventeen hundreds sea captains found it almost impossible to plot their positions once out of sight of land. They could work out their latitude by using the sun or the pole star... Del Doddle. James But they couldn't work out their longitude. Until John Harrison invented a clock that could tell them exactly where they were on the globe. In fact, he went on to make many of these marine timekeepers, they're called H one to five and they are all at Greenwich museum. But it's known he was working on H six or as he called it - 'The Lesser Watch'. We have his designs for the piece but the watch itself was never seen. Harrison died in 1766 and nobody knows whether he ever completed his great work. So the lesser watch drifted into the realms of mythology. Rodney Mythology? What, was he Greek? James No he was English, he lived not far from here. Rodney (Half laughing) You don't think that's it, do you? James (Deadly serious) If it is, Rodney, it's a major, major discovery. Rodney Blimey! James Would you mind if I took this with me Derek? There's some people I'd like to look at it. Del Could I just have a word with my partner here? One moment. (To Rodney) If that watch is worth money, he might half inch it. Rodney Del, if he rips us off, he's also ripping off Raquel, his only daughter, and Damien, his only grandchild. Del Yeah, he seems sound as a pound to me. Right Jim, you take it with you. James Thank you. Have you got some old rags to wrap it? I want to keep it completely safe. Can I use this? Rodney That's my coat. James I'm sorry. Del hands him some old rags. Del There you go. James Thank you. I feel almost faint. Del Well, you be careful driving that car, Jimmy - I don't want that watch getting damaged. INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. Three weeks later. Lunchtime. Del and Rodney, both dressed smartly, and Denzil and Trigger, in working clothes, are at the table. Boycie is at the bar talking to Mike. Rodney So next thing, Raquel's old man's on the phone to us. Del The experts have looked at it and it's kosher. Denzil This is the watch that's been missing for over three hundred years? Del Yep. Harrison's Lesser Watch. Trigger So what is it? Del It's a watch! Rodney It's more than that. It lets you know exactly where you are anywhere in the world. Mike How's it get lost then? Rodney I don't know how it got lost! It just did. Del And then I discovered it and realised it's true value. If it hadn't been for me, it could have ended up anywhere. Rodney Yeah, like chucked on top of an old gas cooker. Boycie And it's gonna be auctioned? Del That's right. This after- noon, two thirty at Sothebys. Denzil How much d'you think it's worth? Rodney They don't know. Nothing like it's ever come on the market. Could be ten grand. Del Fifteen at least. Rodney Twenty maybe. Boycie Well, on your way back from the auction pop into my showrooms. I've got two lovely Skodas at five grand each. Boycie laughs his laugh. Del Yeah, you won't be laughing like that when we get back. Mike So you two could be famous then - well, amongst watch- makers. Rodney Yes, Yeah, why not. We discovered it. And as Andy Warhol said, 'Everyone will be famous for fifteen minutes'. Denzil How can everyone be famous for fifteen minutes? There's not enough time in the world. Rodney No, no. He didn't mean everyone would be famous! You know. He was general- ising upon the modern society. You know, people became famous for a little while then they disappear. Like Rene and Renatta, Simon Dee. Trigger Or Ghandhi. Rodney Yeah. So see maybe this time it's... Ghandhi? Trigger Yeah. I mean, he made one great film and then you never saw him again. Del (Tapping his watch) Let's go. INT. DAY. SOTHEBY'S AUCTION ROOM. Ninety minutes later. A packed house. Some people on telephones receiving instructions from abroad. The auction is already in progress for some other clock or watch. Auctioneer Thirty five thousand... One more bid. Forty thousand... The bid is forty thousand pounds. Del and Rodney enter and stand at the back. Del Is that ours, Rodney? Rodney Don't be stupid! Auctioneer Forty five thousand... Forty five thousand. I'm selling at forty five thousand. That was Lot 72. Lot 72 is removed. Now we see the porter displaying Del and Rodney's watch. The watch has now been cleaned and is gleaming silver. Rodney Is that our watch? Del Yeah. They've given it a rub over with Brasso. Auctioneer Now we come to Lot 73. We see people sitting up and taking notice, we hear a buzz of expectation and excitement. Auctioneer (Cont'd) This is quite simply the most significant discovery in horological terms of this century. The watch has been authenticated and accepted by all the leading experts as being made in 1774 by John Harrison. It is the, until now, mythical 'Lesser Watch'. I'd like to start the bidding at one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Rodney's mouth drops open. We hear a body thud and find Del is laying on the ground. Rodney eaves him there. Auctioneer (Cont'd) Thank you... (Takes bid) Two hundred thousand. (Takes bid) Two fifty. INT.DAY. SOTHEBY'S RECEPTION OR ANTE ROOM. Del is seated on a chair still feeling a bit faint, Rodney is next to him. Del Oh dear. It was when he said a hundred an fifty thousand. That’s when I came over bad. Rodney (Also in shock) It went on, Del. Two hundred thousand, two fifty, three. That's when I dragged you out. Del You mean it ended up at three thousand pounds? Rodney It's still going on? Del Well, let's get back up there. INT.DAY. SOTHEBY'S AUCTION ROOM. We see Del and Rodney enter. Auctioneer Three and a quarter. The bid is in the room. Three and a half. Del It's three hundred and fifty grand! Auctioneer (Taking bid) Three and three quarter. Four, thank you. The bid stands at four million. Del's mouth drops open. We hear a body thud next to him. Auctioneer (Cont'd) Four and a quarter, the bid is in the room... (Taking bid) Four and a half million... (Indicates some- one on the phone) With Dubai... (takes bid) Five million. (Indicates some- one on the phone) With New York... (Takes bid) Five and a half million - in the room. Fade out on auctioneer's voice. EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET. We see the three wheeled van parked at a meter. A sign in van's window reads: 'midwife on emergency call'. We see Del and Rodney approaching. They have just left the auction and are in a state of deep shock. They climb into the van (Del driving). Del So, what was the final out- come? Rodney It was bought by an anonymous bidder. He's giving it to the Maritime Museum at Greenwich. So, at least it stays in the country. Del Oh good. I meant what was the final score? How much exactly did it go for? Rodney takes some paperwork out of his pocket. Rodney (Reading) Six point two million. Del closes his eyes as acid indigestion grabs him. Rodney Just over three million each. Del Well we've had worse days, ain't we? Rodney Oh yeah... D'you wanna go first or shall I? Del How about together? Rodney Alright then. One, two, three. Now they both go absolutely potty - screaming, punching the air, hurling themselves about. We see a passerby witness this lunacy. Rodney (Cont'd) Right, calm down. We'd better go home and tell the girls, but let's break the news gently, we don't wanna spoil a nice day like this by taking one of them to the cardiac-arrest unit. Del No, there's somewhere else I wanna go first. EXT. DAY. BOYCIE'S CAR SHOWROOMS. Thirty minutes later. The sign above the showrooms tell us this is: 'Boyce Auto's' 'Used Cars of Distinction'. Del and Rodney are looking at a Rolls- Royce. Boycie Oh no! Talk about the barb- arians at the ates. Do you have to leave that van thing outside my showrooms? Customers might think I've been reduced to advertising for the local cinema - they're showing The Flintstones. Del If only you knew, Boycie, if only you knew! Boycie Gimme the keys. Del chucks him the van keys and moves over to the Rolls- Royce. Boycie calls to his 18-year-old car cleaner. Boycie Tony, drive that van round the corner, will you? Tony To the car park? Boyce Or the scrap yard, which ever comes first. Tony You're not worried it's gonna get nicked are you? Boycie Nicked? Who's gonna nick that thing? Other than a recently arrived Albanian joyrider. It certainly ain't gonna be used in a ram raid, is it? Boycie moves off to his office. We now see the object of Del's interest. It is a three year old Rolls-Royce. A sign on it reads: 'Car of the Month' it is priced at eighty thousand pounds. Del Beautiful innit? Luxury and style. Very me, don't you think? Rodney Yeah...! Buy it. Del Shall I? Rodney You like it, buy it. Del (Bottle goes) No. Not until that cheque's cleared. I've got a terrible feeling that this entire deal's gonna go pear -shaped. Rodney Del, we're dealing with Sotheby's and the Greenwich museum, not Ronnie and Reggie! Del But in case this goes tits- up! I'll be left with an eighty grand debt. Rodney Yeah, take your point. Well, you sit in the nice car, see if it suits you. Rodney looks towards Boycie's office with a vengeful smile. Rodney walks away leaving Del making 'bip-bip' noises. INT. DAY. BOYCIE'S OFFICE. Boycie is behind the desk with paperwork. Rodney enters. Boycie You'll be bringing the family down next to have your picture taken next to it. Picnic hampers and God knows what else. Rodney I wanna buy it. Boycie bursts out laughing. Boycie That's a good 'un, Rodney! Tell me, what drugs are you on this week? Rodney hands Boycie the paperwork. Boycie studies the cheque as his laughter dies. He looks to Rodney for help or an explanation. Rodney Six million. We were hoping for a bit more, but the market's a bit depressed. Boycie Sit down please. Sonia, fetch me and Mr Trotter a coffee. Boycie opens a cocktail cabinet. Boycie Drink? Rodney T'riffic. INT. DAY. BOYCIE'S CAR SHOWROOMS. Del is now walking round and admiring - drooling - over every tyre and body contour. Rodney and Boycie approach. Rodney (Handing Del some keys) There you go. It's yours. Del You what? Rodney The Rolls-Royce. It's yours. I've just bought it for you. Boycie Soon as the cheque clears Del Boy, it's yours. Del You bought it for me? Why? Rodney A little present. Just to say thanks. Del turns and looks at the car lovingly - emotionally. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Raquel, Albert and Cassandra wait anxiously for Del and Rodney's return. Albert is on the phone. Raquel (Checking her watch) Where the hell are they? Cassandra Perhaps they're in discus- sion with the directors at Sotherby's. Raquel gives her a withering look. Cassandra No, perhaps not. Raquel Maybe they're talking with the curator at the museum. Cassandra Maybe. Albert (On phone) Thanks a lot. (Replacing receiver) They're not at the Nag's Head. Cassandra I guessed Rodney wouldn't be in the Nag's Head, Albert. Raquel Has he stopped drinking? Cassandra No, he's been barred. We hear the front door close and now Del and Rodney enter. Raquel, Cassandra and Albert look at them expectantly - is it good news or bad news? Del and Rodney don't just want to blurt the news out and cause heart attacks and so we have a kind of Mexican stand- off. Finally... Raquel Well? Del Yeah, fine thanks. Raquel No! I meant, what happened? Rodney Oh, at the auction? Cassandra Yes, at the auction! Did it sell? Rodney Yeah, it sold, didn't it, Del? Del Yes, we sold it. Albert I knew it. Beautiful piece of machinery... How much d'you get? Del Guess. Raquel Oh, come on, just tell us! Rodney No, go on guess. Albert Five thousand pounds? Del No. Raquel and Cassandra’s spirits visibly sag in their disappointment. Albert Six thousand. Del Close. Add a nought. Cassandra Six thousand pounds? Del You can tell she works in a bank, can't you? Rodney Hardly any hesitation... No, not six thousand. Add another nought. Albert But that's... what is that, Cassandra? Cassandra Six hundred thousand pounds? Del No...! Will you tell 'em or shall I? Rodney Erm... You can have the privilege, Derek. Del Thank you, Rodney. You two girls hold on to your stays... Add one more nought. Raquel, Cassandra and Albert exchange disbelieving glances. Cassandra just stares wide-eyed at Rodney. Rodney returns a gentle nod. Raquel looks at Del and shakes her head. Del smiles and nods his head. Del hands them the Sotheby's paperwork. Raquel, Cassandra and Albert read the paperwork. They now look up at Del and Rodney. Del (To Rodney) Call intensive care. Raquel stands. Raquel Six million pounds? Del Mmmh. A pause. Raquel now bursts into tears. She rushes to the cocktail bar for a tissue. Del (To Rodney) Told you she's be happy. Albert and Cassandra sit in stunned silence. We now see Damien staring at Rodney. Rodney reacts. Damien now smiles at Rodney. Rodney's reaction is one of: 'Did Damien turn this thing round for us?' Del Now we've gotta take things nice and easy - no going mad and splashing it around on anything that grabs our fancies. I know six million sounds a lot but it'll be very easy to blow it on silly luxuries. Raquel But we can go out in the week and look for a house, can't we? Del Of course we can, darling. Any day except Wednesday, that's when my Rolls-Royce is being delivered. EXT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD. Parked here are a few ordinary cars and a couple of builder's vans etc. Now we see Del's Rolls glide into a place. INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD. We hear a buzz of conversation in the bar, it is full of people in deep discussion and the impression is they are all talking about the Trotters' new-found fortune. We see Trigger and Denzil in conversation at a table. We see Mickey Pearce and mates discussing the situation. We see Mike, Boycie and Marlene at the bar discussing it in bewildered terms. Now everyone becomes aware that the Trotters are in the house. They all look towards the entrance door. Here we find Del, Rodney, Albert, Raquel and Cassandra. They are all dressed in brand new and very fine clothes. - even Rodney has a cigar. At first the Trotters are unsure of the welcome and they pause uncertain whether to venture any further. Now Denzil stands and begins clapping. Now the whole pub rises in applause. It is genuine delight from everyone, except Boycie. The Trotters puff their chests out and meander through the adoring masses. Del returns a small, royal wave and they all accept the handshakes from Trigger and Denzil and pats on the back from Mickey Pearce, etc. The Trotters are proud and dignified and enjoying every bloody second of this public approval. They are not flash or lauding it - just enjoying their fame - Del might even get emotional. Del and Rodney arrive at the bar to receive a reluctant and vinegary handshake from Boycie and Marlene. Mike now grins proudly at his now famous customer. Mike Yes sir, what can I get you? Del Champagne all round, Michael. There are cheers from the crowd. Rodney Whoops. We've only gone and left our wallets at home again. Mike Please, that is no problem. Del On the slate, Mike? Mike On the house! Del No, we'll pay our way. And while we're at it, let's have all your sandwiches! Del and Rodney both reach into pockets for money. Del (Cont'd) (To Rodney) I'll get 'em. Rodney It's alright. I've got some money here, somewhere. Del No, no Rodney. I'll get the sandwiches, you bought the Rolls. Rodney (Laughing) You bought the Rolls! EXT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. It is a large, imposing detached house somewhere in the home countries which we might guess would have cost a million pounds. An estate agent's sign says the house is sold. A house sign says this is Trotter Manor. Parked in the in-and-out gravel drive is the Rolls-Royce, the green Capri and the three wheeled van, all lit by passive lights. Virtually every window in the house is lit to give it a warm, glowing feeling. INT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. DRAWING ROOM. The furnishings and decor are a mixture of Del and Raquel's tastes. From Raquel we have the more practical and understated, nice three piece suite, etc, coupled with various examples of Del-chic, such as the large, family portrait of Del, Raquel and Damien hanging above the fireplace and the olde English bar complete with repro horse brasses. Raquel is seated on the settee reading to a pyjama-clad Damien in front of the crackling log fire. Del is behind the bar smoking an oversized cigar and pouring champagne into three glasses. Del takes a moment to look proudly around his castle and at his family. Albert enters wearing an elegant silk smoking jacket over a crisp shirt and cravat. Del compliments him on his dress as he hands him a glass of champagne. They are trying desperately to be posh. Del shows Albert a brochure for a large white motor- launch (a 250,000 job). Albert studies the brochure admiringly. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S APT/LOUNGE. A large, modern and stylish penthouse apartment some- where in the heart of London. From the floor to ceiling picture windows we can see the lights of London glittering below like Christmas tinsel. Rodney - dressed the way he now feels - rich, relaxed and confident - looks round his castle. Rodney (With a clenched fist victory gesture) Yeah! He turns to find Cassandra is watching him. She smiles at him, happy to see him happy. EXT. DAY. TROTTER MANOR. A massive back garden, at least two acres. Del and Raquel stand, arms around each other, and look at 'their house'. They turn and smile at each other, still not quite believing their luck. EXT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S APARTMENT. Rodney and Cassandra are standing on the roof garden of their penthouse apartment. Stretched out before them is the Thames, the Houses of Parliament, etc. They also have their arms round each other and, by their expressions, they, too, cannot believe their luck. Cassandra now notices something below and draws Rodney's attention to it. From Rodney and Cassandra's POV we see a large white motor launch gliding along the river with Albert, all done up like a sea captain, at the wheel. Cassandra laughs at the sight. Rodney's reaction is more cautionary - 'Albert's gonna kill someone!' INT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. LIBRARY. A few nights later. Del enters and surveys the room. He is wearing a particularly bright pair of slacks (yellow, maybe). He is now beginning to feel like a fish out of water in this large house with so many rooms and so few people to fill them. He is already starting to miss his old haunts and old mates. He longs for the Nag's Head and the One Eleven Club and the Star of Bengal and the Market and Sid's Caff. He takes one of the leather bound books from a shelf, opens it and reads for a second. He closes the book and replaces it. He literally doesn't know what to do with himself and his time. INT. NIGHT. TROTTER MANOR. SNOOKER ROOM. The lights over the table flicker on as Del enters. He takes cue ball and rolls it into the pack. He has his snooker table and no-one to play with. He switches lights off as he wanders out of the room. We get the feeling he is like a big cat trapped in a zoo cage, pacing his alien environment as his frustration and disappointment grows. EXT. NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. One hour later. We see Del's Rolls-Royce glide to a halt. Del alights and surveys the old estate. He is still wearing the bright slacks. He breathes in a deep lungful of London air and starts coughing. He now smiles in appreciation. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The lounge is in darkness, empty of furniture (except for the old cocktail bar) and bare of pictures and curtains. The front door opens and Del enters. He switches the light switch on but to no avail and then he remembers the power was switched off. He wanders over to the bar and picks up his old cigar- pot. He discovers just one cigar in the pot, removes it, lights it and savours it. He now studies the room and begins remembering some of the events that have taken place here over the years. Del picks up a suitcase and sits on it. We hear a voice over. V/O Del Boy. It's time to get up. It's seven thirty. Del Yeah, alright mum. V/O It's your fault if you've got a hangover. You can't have today off. You're taking your eleven plus. V/O I never raised a hand to your mother Rodney, except in self-defence. V/O Your dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top but then again he used to say that one day Millwall would win the cup. Rodney now enters the room. Rodney Alright? Del Yeah. What you doing here? Rodney Raquel phoned, said you'd gone missing. I guessed you'd be here. Del I'm just taking one last look at the old place. Rodney You put it on the market yet? Del No, not yet. It just didn't seem right selling it. You know, all the - Mum and Grandad. I'll feel alright about it next week, put it with an estate agent. Talking of agents, I called into the travel agents in the week. Booked us a holiday in Barbados. My treat. Rodney Oh nice. Flying first class? Del Concorde. Rodney Even better. Shame about Albert's boat, weren't it? Del Yeah, what a stupid place to put a bridge, eh? Rodney Yeah. Right over a river like that. So how are you? Del Oh, couldn't be better bruv. It's wonderful - everything's coming up roses. Rodney Alright, what's wrong? Del It's all so easy now. All my life I've dreamt of becoming a millionaire. Of having a Rolls-Royce and a big house in the country and jetting off to the Caribbean and all that. Rodney Well, you've got it. Del I now. But it's not the way I thought it would be. You see, the dreaming and scheming and chasing and trying - that was the fun part, you know. It was dangerous, impossible - it was like Columbo sailing away to find America, not sure whether he was gonna fall off the edge of the world. That's how I used to feel. Rodney Well, you fell off a couple of times, didn't you? Del Once a month regular. But now I've found it - I've got what I was searching for - the hunt is over, and what do I do now? Learn to play golf? Rodney Well, you've got the trousers for it at least. Look, why don't you enjoy your retirement? At this point Del is standing close to and has his back to Albert's/Grandad's old bedroom. Del I don't wanna enjoy my retirement. I wanna feel like I used to feel - all eager and alive. I want something exciting to happen. The door to Albert's bedroom opens and Albert appears behind Del who reels away in alarm. Del Aaargghh! Blimey Albert, you garrity old git! I thought you was a bloody ghost. Rodney He never got the hang of this haunting, did he? Albert What you two doing here? Del Well. Never mind, what us two are doing here. What are you doing here? Albert Well, I just come back to pick up a few of me belongings. (Producing a duffle bag) Thought I'd have one last look at the old flat before you sell it. Rodney Yeah, well, we've had a good look now. Let's lock it up and go, shall we? Rodney and Albert exit to hall. Del lingers taking one last look. Now the BT phone starts ringing. Del We forgot to tell British Telecom that we were moving. (Answering the phone) Hello?... Watcher Lennie, how you doing, pal?... Yeah? (To Rodney) Lennie Norris. He's got four hundred electric carpet steamers. Retail at a hundred and fifteen, he's selling then at twenty five quid each. Rodney Del, we're not in the business any more. Del I know Rodney, but we've gotta double our money on the deal, Rodney. Rodney Derek, can you hear me over those trousers? We are not in the business anymore, mate! Albert You've got millions in the bank and you still wanna ponce around making twenty five quid on a carpet- steamer. You make me laugh. Del (Very reluctantly) Yeah, he's right. No, I'm sorry, Len, we're not interested. Trotters Independent Traders are no longer in business... Bonjour. INT. NIGHT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. Parked next to Del's Rolls-Royce is Rodney's Jaguar sports car. Del, Rodney and Albert exit the flats. Rodney moves to his jaguar. Del D'you fancy going down to the Golden Dragon for a Chinese? Albert Yes. I'm feeling a bit peckish now you mention it. Rodney Yeah, I could go a sweet and sour something. Del Leave the cars, we'll have a toby. Rodney Yeah, alright. The three of them begin walking away. Del suddenly stops. Del Mon Dieu, Mon Dieu, what a fool I've been... Rodney What's wrong now? Del Well, there's me thinking now we've got all this money it spells like the end. But it don't - it's the beginning. Don't you see? For the first time in our lives we've got money to invest! Rodney No! Albert Dangerous business, invest- ment! The three begin walking away from camera arguing. Del Don't you remember all those years you used to say to me 'We should be investing, Del Boy'. Rodney No I never said that! Del Well, it must have been me then. I know one of us was right. We can invest big- time in the futures market. Hey, we can get into Hong Kong, Singapore, Peking. Albert Beijing. Del There as well, I don't ' care. Rodney You're putting me off my crispy duck! I don't want to invest! Now, slowly, the flats and the estate begins to fade and the road and the three are walking on is transformed into the yellow brick road. Del, Rodney and Albert become cartoon silhouettes and still walk away from us arguing. Del Rodders, have I ever let you down? Rodney Yes! Like a couple of years ago when you told me I'd won a holiday in a painting competition but forgot to mention that, for an entire week, I would have to pretend to be 14 years old! Del That's always been your trouble, Rodney, you always dwell on the past. Mum said to me on her deathbed... Rodney Now don't start on about Mum and her deathbed! Del She said to me on her deathbed, 'Del Boy, if you and little Rodney become rich, invest in the futures market!' Rodney You liar! There wasn't a futures market when Mum was alive! Del Exactly, it just shows you what a visionary she was! This is our big chance, Rodders. He who dares wins! This time next year we'll be billionaires!

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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