Only Fools And Horses

Modern Men

INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. Rodney, in his best suit is seated reading a womanís magazine. Albert, dressed in his best clothes enters from the kitchen with crisps. Albert You alright, son? Looking forward to tonight down the pub? Rodney Yeah. I don't want a big thing made of it, you know. I mean, me and Cassandra are having a baby, that's all. Albert Yeah, but you know what Del's like. Any excuse for a celebration. You don't think Del'd mind if I borrowed some of his after -shave, do you? Rodney What do you want to use after-shave for? You've got Epping bloody Forest growing round your chops! Albert I just wanted to smell nice, that's all. Rodney Well in that case, don't use Del's after-shave! Del, in best suit enters from the kitchen carrying a bowl of crisps and a bowl of nuts. Del Oh, there you are Rodders, I didn't hear you arrive. Go on, help yourself to a dry roasted. Where's Cassandra then? Rodney Raquel wanted to show her something in the bedroom. Albert It's them baby clothes she's got for you. Rodney Oh, she shouldn't have done that. Del No, it's aright, they're some of Damien's old clothes. Rodney (Mild alarm) What? Del Suit your nipper a treat they will. Rodney Yeah... I'm gonna get a beer. Rodney moves towards the kitchen. Albert If it's a boy d'you reckon it'll look like Rodney? Del It don't matter as long as it's healthy. Rodney stops in the doorway and reacts. He exits to the kitchen. Del (Cont'd) No, I know what Raquel's doing, she's showing Cassandra some of them new clothes I bought her today. Albert New clothes? It's not her birthday, is it? Del No, it's not her birthday. Well, they're not 'new' clothes, they're as good as. Del picks up his book. Del (Cont'd) And it means I done my bit for charity. Rodney enters from the kitchen with a beer. Del (Cont'd) Ah, Rodders there you are, you seen this? Modern Man, brilliant it is. It says here: 'you shouldn't wait for special occasions to give your loved one a present. Arrive home with a little surprise any day of the week and help keep your relationship exciting'. I done that, it says: 'Your partner should never have to seek attention from you. A compliment is the easiest thing to give and the nicest thing to receive.' It's obvious when you come to think about it, it's far easier to say something nice than something nasty. Raquel and Cassandra enter from the bedrooms area. She is dressed in her best frock. She opens her arms in a 'well what do you think' gesture. Raquel Well? Del is busy reading his book. Del Yes, very well, thank you darling! Raquel (Deflated) Oh! Good. Albert You look lovely, Raquel. Raquel Thank you very much, Albert. Rodney Yes, you look very nice, Raquel. Raquel Thank you. Wait till you see this. Raquel exits to bedrooms area. Albert And you look lovely, Cassandra. Cassandra Thank you, Albert. Del Oh, there you are, sweet- heart. (Feeling her belly) How's my little nephew? Cassandra Get off! Raquel returns wearing a fur jacket. Raquel Well. What d'you think? Rodney and Cassandra look at each other uncertain of how to react. Cassandra Well, this is difficult, Raquel. You see, Rodney and I are both opposed to the fur trade. Rodney What Cass is trying to say is, we both think it looked better on the animal. Whatever that was. Albert Innit marvelous? Del buys Raquel a coat and you two have a pop at her! Rodney Del bought it? Oh, I'm sorry, Raquel, I thought it was real! Del No, dopey, no, it's stimulated fur! Rodney Sorry, didn't realise. Del I tell you what we are going to do then. 'Cos little Damien's downstairs with the babysitter, so let's have a couple of glasses of champagne and then get down the Nag's Head for some decent celebrations. We see a worried Rodney draw a twenty pound note from his pocket. He quickly replaces it. Del (Cont'd) (To Cassandra) And oi, you're on orange juice, alright. Cassandra Yes, thank you, doctor. Del All part of the service. Del and Rodney exit to kitchen. Rodney Del. I feel a bit embarrassed. Del You don't need to. I mean you got a tie, and suit, the full Monty. Rodney No, no. I didn't mean that, I've only got twenty quid on me. Del What happened to your wages? Rodney This is me wages. Del Oh yeah. I remember we had a bit of a hard week, bruv. Rodney I know. I was there! Del Well, I'm even worse off than you. I spent all my money on Raquel's dress. Don't worry about tonight's festivities, we'll put it on the slate. Rodney D'you reckon Mike'll stand it? Del Course he will. He's a diamond that man, absolute diamond. Rodney Well I hope you're right ... And oi, why don't you say something nice to Raquel? She's got herself all done up and you ain't said a word. Del I was busy reading me book, weren't I? Del and Rodney exit to lounge. By now Raquel and Cassandra are seated on the settee, Raquel reading her magazine. Del Alright, alright, I'll think of something nice to say. Let's go. Come on then girls, ladies and gentlemen, time to celebrate, go on Rodney, you got the girls, Albert this is yours. Raquel has seen something in her magazine. Raquel I don't believe it! Cassandra What's that? Raquel You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film! Cassandra Ooh, Piers Bronson. Rodney Now you don't need Piers Bronson dear, you've got me. Cassandra Yeah, haven't I just? Del (Looking over Raquel's shoulder) Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you. Raquel (Laughing but complimented) Oh shut up. Del No, you could. Raquel Don't be silly. Del I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog. Raquel reacts. Cassandra closes her eyes and turns away. We see Rodney's reaction. Del gives Rodney the thumbs up as he sips the champagne. INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD. It is Saturday night and a packed bar is celebrating Rodney's and Cassandra's news. We find, Rodney, Cassandra, Raquel, Denzil, Boycie and Marlene seated at a table close to the bar. Rodney, Boycie and Marlene appear to have had one too many. Albert is at the piano playing and singing 'You must have been a beautiful baby'. Trigger is at another table chatting with a few of the regulars. Mickey Pearce is at the bar chatting with a few younger guys. Del is at the bar with Mike who is placing drinks on a tray and other drinks on counter. Mike So that's a G&T for Raquel, a Tequila Slammer for Rodney, orange juice for Cassandra. Oh by the way, that Doctor Singh, the Indian bloke was in here this afternoon asking about you! Something to do with some paint you sold him. Del hides his momentary panic. Del Was he? Mike He seemed rather anxious to talk to you. Problems? Del No, no, no! A simple mis- understanding. Nothing that can't be sorted out with a civilized chat. If he calls again, Mike, will you tell him I've gone to live in New Zealand. Mike I think I can remember that. Here, have Rodney and Cassandra thought of a name for the baby yet? Del No, not yet, Mike. It's early days, she's only just a little bit pregnant, ain't she? Long way to go. Mike Still, shows Rodney got the hang of it in the end. Del Oh yes! He's a Trotter, Michael. We don't stop till the job's finished. Right, so that's a Singapore Sling for me, a cognac for Boycie, vodka and lime for Marlene, a Cubre Libre for Denzil... (Indicates Albert) A rum and Black for Bobby Crush, scotches for the market lads, a pint of diesel for Trigger... (Calls over to Mickey) Mickey, what you and your mates having? Mickey Canadian Clubs all round, Del. Cheers. Del And have one yourself, Mike. Mike Thanks, Del. Right, that's, er, call it twenty five pound for cash. Del Put it on the slate, Michael. Mike There's no more slate, Del. I've had a visit from the brewery. Del Right. (Produces a fiver) There's a fiver, and, erm... Del pats his clothes in search of his wallet. Del (Cont'd) Would you Adam ad Eve it? I've only gone and left me wallet at home. I remember now Damien was playing with it earlier. I was teaching him on financial management - you know, avoiding expensive pubs, that sort of thing. Mike starts to take the drinks back. Mike That's alright, I'll sell 'em to someone else. Del What d'you mean, you'll sell 'em to someone else? They'll be second-hand. Mike I'll sell 'em cheap then! Del Well, I'll give you a fiver for 'em now. Mike Look Del, it's not my fault, it's the brewery! They've brought in this revolutionary new rule; from now on customers have to pay for their drinks. Del I hate all these newfangled ideas! I'll tell you what I'll do for you. Wait there. Del produces a bag. From his bag Del produces a hair- dryer. It is a different shape from the normal hair- dryer. Del I've just laid me hands on these brand new, radically -designed hair-dryers. They retail at sixty nine pounds ninety nine in Regents Street, it's yours for fifteen nicker. Mike Del, look at my hair. What do I need one of them for? I've only gotta stick me head out the window for ten seconds and I'm bone dry! Del produces a jagged ended attachment. Del But this comes complete with a volumiser. Gives your hair lots of body. Mike So I could end up looking like Lilly Savage? Very tempting. Del I'm giving it to you for fifteen quid, Mike! Mike Alright, giss it here. (Puts hair-dryer behind bar) You still owe me a tenner! Del I tell you what. You are a bit of a gambling man. We'll have a bet, double or quits. If I win I give you a fiver for this round. You win, I owe you a tenner. Mike But you already owe me a tenner! Del You've nothing to lose then, have you? Trigger approaches at this point and observes Del and Mike. Del Hold your hands out in front of you and I bet I can make you turn them over without touching you. Mike You can make me turn my hands over without touching me? Del Yeah. It's called 'The Power of Positive Thought'. Go'n, hold 'em out. Mike holds his hands out in front of him, palms down. Del No, the other way. Mike turns his hands over, palms up. Del There you go, see. Del places the fiver in Mike's upturned palm. Del Thank you, Michael. Del takes the tray and returns to the table. Mike, holding the fiver, is despondent at losing so easily. Trigger is smiling in wonderment at the trick. Trigger That's good, innit? Mike Oh brilliant, Trig, bloody brilliant. We cut to the table where Del has handed drinks out (or everyone's helping themselves from the tray). Boycie (Has had one too many) I have been a motor-dealer for many years now, but, until recently, I never thought of the damage exhaust emig... emiti... Denzil Fumes. Boycie Yes. Never thought of the damage fumes did to our world. Let me explain my theory. (To Rodney) And the girl Cassandra will bear me out, she works in a bank. Rodney I know, we're married. Boycie Precisely. Del Same again, Mike. Boycie Now, allow me to continue. My theory is: the future holds the key to our success. Del Don't tell Raquel's Dad that, he's an antique dealer. Boycie We must support the future! By that I mean our world and children. Now I've recently invested a lot of money in electric cars. Marlene Yeah, he bought Tyler a Scalectrix set. Boycie I'm not talking about model bloody racing cars, for Gawd's sake! Everyone laughs. Rodney No, he means electric engines. And he's right, Cassandra will bear him out. My wife I'm proud to say, has just got another promotion. Raquel Oh. Congratulations. Del Well done darling. Cassandra I haven't been promoted, Rodney. I've just been moved to another department. My banks has instigated this kind of 'Save the World' programme. We're investing capital in companies involved in recycling and conservation initiatives. Del She could be talking about us, couldn't she? Rodney Could she? Del We have always been very environmentally conceptual. Raquel Well, I've discovered a new use for old clothes - I wear 'em. Everyone laughs. Del It's your round, Rodders. Rodney Right. Rodney moves to the bar. Mike is placing drinks on the counter. Mike If it's the same as the last round it'll be twenty five pounds. Rodney Twenty five quid! Erm, Mike? Mike (With his back to Rodney) No! Rodney produces two tenners and ponders his predicament. Trigger approaches. Trigger Alright, Dave? Rodney 'Ello Trig. Trigger I can make you turn your hands over without touching you. Rodney Eh? Trigger I can make you turn your hands over without touching you. Hold 'em out. Rodney, with a heavy sigh, places the tenners in his pocket and holds his ands out palms up. Trigger No, the other way. Rodney turns his hands over, palms down. Trigger See? (Handing Rodney a fiver) There you go, Dave. Trigger walks away leaving a totally bewildered Rodney with a fiver. At this point Albert finishes his song to much applause. He makes his way to the table. Denzil Well done, Albert, very nice. Boycie Yes, it reminded me of the theme track from Noddy - the Movie. Rodney returns with a tray of drinks. Denzil Boycie's right about one thing. You and Rodney should be investing in your children's future. Things like schooling. Boycie You gotta send 'em to a private school. Del I'd love to, but I haven't got that sort of money to throw around. (Calls over to bar) Set 'em up again, Mike. Marlene Our Tyler's been private since he was three. He's seven now and he can almost write his name. Del (Impressed) Really? We'll have to scrimp and save and send Damien private. Rodney Well, I'm not sending my child private. There's nothing wrong with state education. Del I'm not seeing Damien end up in our old school, the Dockside Secondary Modern. Albert Ooh, that was a tough old place. Del Tough? We had the only school magazine with an obituary column. Denzil See, Rodney, we didn't stand a chance of getting a decent education 'cos of the size of the classes. Boycie Fifty, sixty to a class. Cassandra Oh you're exaggerating, your classes weren't that big! Denzil It's the truth, Cassandra. By the time the teacher'd finished reading the morning register it was dinner time. Del You could tell the calibre of the school by the head boy. Marlene Who was it? Del Trigger. Trigger hears his name and joins tem. Trigger D'you call, Del? Del Ah, there you are, Trig. We were just talking old school. Rodney Alright, let's ask Trig. And you lot stay quiet, no prompting! Trigger, did you have big classes at your old school? Trigger No, not very big. Rodney (At Del) See! Trigger High ceilings though. Boycie And a few low ones. Remember your accident? Trigger Oh yeah. Raquel Why? What happened? Denzil Trig was walking through one of the corridors and he smacked right into a Mind Your Head sign. Boycie Gave him a right clout. His family sued the education authorities for brain- damage. Del The judge awarded him seven pound fifty compensations. Albert (Confused) How d'you walk into a 'Mind Your Head' sign? Didn't you see it? Trigger Of course I saw it, but in those days I couldn't read. Trigger returns to the bar. We see the reactions of Albert, Cassandra, Rodney, Raquel, Marlene and finally Del - it's the first time he's heard the truth about the incident. Rodney Perhaps it would be best to go private. Cassandra Yeah, maybe. Mike (Calls) Is someone gonna collect these drinks or what? Rodney I'll get 'em. Rodney moves to the bar. Mickey Pearce approaches. Mickey Rodney, congratulations. Rodney Thanks, Mickey. Mickey Here, I was down Sid's Caff yesterday and that Doctor Singh came in looking for Del Boy. Rodney (Worried) Did he? Mickey He struck me as an angry man. What's it all about? Rodney Oh, it's something to do with some paint and his surgery. I mean, at the end of the day it's not my problem, is it? I just work for Del. Mickey Yeah. That's just it. You're just an employee. You just follow orders. Pick things up put things down and then pick 'em up again. Rodney (Sensing an insult) Yeah. But I do think for myself. Mickey But it's not really a job requirement, is it? I start a new job next month. Good money, prospects, company car, the lot. Rodney Yeah? What are you, a double-glazing salesman? Mickey No I'm not! Although it is to do with glass. Rodney What, windows? Mickey It's a brand new company. They've invented these new solar windows. Rodney It's double-glazing, innit? Mickey No, no, no. I mean, fair enough, it does involve two panes of glass, but it's not double-glazing. Raquel now appears behind Rodney. Mickey (Cont'd) This company is very profile-conscious and customer-driven. I'm gonna be executive of area perspective and overview, combined with an aggressive targeting strategy. Rodney You're a salesman. Mickey No, I'm almost a scientist! It's a whole new concept in user-friendly heating. Rodney You're a double-glazing salesman, ain't you? Mickey Yeah. It's better than working for Del, innit? I mean, you're like a 34 year old paperboy. Rodney I might not be working for him much longer. I'm on the look-out for something decent... Oh, Raquel! Raquel I just came up to give you a hand with the drinks. Raquel takes a couple of drinks and returns to the table. Rodney Listen to me. There are a few up ad coming young firms who are after me. Mickey Oh yeah, I bet you're being head-hunted by Ian Beale. Well, you'd better do some- thing quick, Rodney, you've got a kid on the way. Mike (Calls) Ladies and Gentlemen, will you please raise your glasses to our future Mum and Dad, Rodney and Cassandra. Locals Rodney and Cassandra. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM. Same night. Raquel is lying in bed reading a book. Del enters dressed in lime green silk pyjamas with his book. Raquel (Quietly) Oh my God! Del Well what d'you think? Raquel Very nice, Del. They're very... nice. Del Got 'em off Paddy the Greek, seven pound fifty, can't be bad, eh? Raquel Lovely. Del climbs into bed. Del reads a few lines from his book. Del It says here a bloke's supposed to make contact with his feminine side. Don't mean you've gotta wear a blouse or something does it? Raquel No, I don't think so. Del Did you know geezers had feminine sides? Raquel Well, I've read about it. Look, I wouldn't worry, I don't think it applies to you. Del Thank God for that. Brilliant book. Did you know that women need to know that they are not taken for granted? Raquel Really? Del Yeah, there's some real eye -openers in here. Raquel Del, can we talk for a minute? Del (Engrossed in book) Eh? Raquel I heard Rodney and his mate, Mickey Pearce talk- ing tonight. He's starting a new job. Del Mickey Pearce, you must be joking! That bloke's been on the dole so long he gets invited to the staff dance. Raquel I heard him telling Rodney about it. Del The last job Mickey Pearce had was over the East End as a trainee jury-nobbler. Raquel Del, will you do something for me? Give Rodney a proper job. Del He's got a proper job. Raquel No he hasn't, he works for you. Del Well that's a proper job. Raquel Alright, what does he do? Del Well, he sort of... well... lifts things, and... keeps an eye out... and, er... drives. Raquel And how would you describe his job? Give it a name, a title. Del Well, he's a... erm... He's a... a Rodney. Raquel That's not a proper job! Del It is! There are a lot of people around who are... 'Rodneys'. Raquel Give him a job and a title he can be proud of. In seven months he'll be a proud father. Del Listen Raquel, look, you don't know him like I do. Rodney's never been what you'd call astute. If I'd left him in charge we wouldn't be where we are today. Raquel No? Del No. He hasn't got a business brain. If Rodney owned a flower shop he'd close on Valentines Day. Raquel Make him feel important. Do something to help him. Del I'm in the process of doing that very thing. I'm trying to get Rodney some part- time help. With Cassandra the way she is, you never know when he's gonna get a call and have to dash off. So I've let it be known I'm looking for an assistant for Rodney. Someone to take the weight off his shoulders. Raquel Aaah, that's nice of you. Del I know, I'm a nice fella... This thing with Cassandra. Raquel You mean her pregnancy? Del Yeah. Not making you broody, is it? Raquel No! I never want to go through a pregnancy again. This is all serious/jokey. Del Hurt, did it? Raquel Stung a bit. Del Yeah, I could tell. Raquel What gave it away? All that screaming? Del Yeah, that was the main clue. Still, he was worth it in the end, weren't he? Raquel Yeah, of course he was. It's not just that. There's the financial side as well. I mean, we can barely afford to pay the mortgage on this place let alone feed another mouth. And then there's the age thing to be taken into account. Del True. You ain't getting any younger, are you? There is just a look over her book from Raquel. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. Same time. Rodney and Cassandra are lying in bed. Rodney is deep in depressing thought. Rodney I've been thinking. One day they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family. Then as a sequel they could do Schindlers List On Ice. Cassandra Correct me if I'm wrong but are you feeling slightly under-motivated tonight? Rodney There are people on death row with more motivation than me. I've got to get another job, Cass! I get so frustrated working for Del. I just wish he'd present me with a challenge every now and then, like... I don't know... giving someone their change. Tomorrow we are trying to sell these Mickey Mouse hair-dryers and some aerodynamic cycling hats which are really horse riding helmets that have been sprayed red - and we've got a very angry Sikh after our blood. This is not what you'd call job satisfaction. Cassandra Rodney, you're the only one who can change Del's attitude. Just going out in the morning hoping for the best is not good enough. At the bank we always advise small businesses to target specifics to achieve maximum market penetration. Rodney Cassandra, we're talking about Derek Trotter! To Del, 'Market Penetration' means sex under a barrow! Cassandra But at least you can try to influence him I mean, you're involved in decision-making now, aren't you? Rodney Oh yeah, sometimes he lets me toss the coin. Decision-making! He's just bought himself a book. Cassandra Del has? Rodney Oh yeah. All words, no pictures. It's called Modern Man and, according to the author, modern men are decisive, positive decision-makers and Del is making decisions all over the shop! It's thanks to some of Del's decisive, positive decision-making that we have got the consignment of Mickey Mouse hair-dryers and a load of cycling hats that are horse riding helmets sprayed red! Cassandra Look, why don't you talk to him? I know he jumps the gun a lot, but he does listen to you. Rodney Yeah, I suppose you're right. Actually I had a word with him this morning and told him he should stop making these on the spot decisions. I said to think things through, consider it, look at all the angles and weigh up the pros and cons. And I think it hit home. Yeah, I'm sure he took my words on board. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM. Same time. Del and Raquel are in bed reading their books. Del I'm gonna have a vasectomy! Raquel bursts out laughing. Del (Cont'd) Did I say something? Raquel What's brought this on? Del It says in my book that modern men take the responsibility when it comes to family planning. Millions of men all over the world are having the snip - they do it while you wait. Raquel Del, why don't you think about it for a while? Del What's to think about, sweetheart? We can't afford to have another chavvie so I'm a modern man making a positive decision. Raquel But you've got to consider the future. I mean, I don't want to be the prophet of doom, but what would happen if say in ten years time things didn't work out between us and we broke up. Then you met someone else and wanted to raise another family? Del Oh, don't be silly, sweet- heart. (Kisses her) Ten years from now I won't be able to raise a smile let alone anything else! INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. INTERCUT WITH DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM. Following day. Rodney, in working clothes, is seated at the table with a cup of tea and looking very down in the mouth. Rodney (Calling into kitchen) I can remember when we set off on the road to our horizon! It was bloody years ago! We had a labour government, you could eat beef. Des O'Connor was white. And look at us now! Del (OS) How can I put this, Rodney? Shuddup! Rodney sips his tea. He now becomes aware of something. He turns and finds Damien's standing behind the cocktail cabinet and staring, unsmiling at him. Rodney flinches as a cold chill runs down his spine. Rodney Morning Damien. Damien I can make you turn your hands over without touching you. Rodney Yeah? Damien Hold your hands out. Rodney holds his hands out as if hypnotized. Damien (Cont'd) Turn them over. Rodney turns his hands over. Damien smiles victoriously. Damien (Cont'd) See! Damien exits to the bedrooms area calling as he does so. Damien (Cont'd) Mummy. I made Uncle Rodney turn his hands over. Rodney sighs in relief. Del, dressed in suit but minus shoes, enters from the kitchen. Del Alright, I grant you things are a bit bleak at the moment. Rodney That's like saying the Antarctic's a bit nippy. Del Our fortune lies just around the next corner. In fact, I'd go so far as to say, this time next year, we'll be millionaires. I mean, we're there where the big opportunities happen. We are in the very forefront of the enterprise-cultured. Rodney Enterprise cul... You're so enterprising you bought a load of horse-riding crash helmets! Didn't you stop to think for one moment that Peckham is not big show-jumping country? Del We'll sell 'em, don't worry. I don't know what's the matter with you. You seemed to have stopped believing. Mum said to me on her deathbed... Rodney Oh no! Del She said, 'Del Boy, never stop believing. Cos if you stop believing you've nothing left to hope for.' Rodney You've got to have a dream, if you don't have a dream, then how you gonna have a dream come true? Del That's exactly what she said Mum - she never stopped believing - even after you were born. Rodney Yeah, well that's all very well, but when... What's that supposed to mean? 'Even after I was born'? Del Don't get me wrong, it weren't your fault and none of us blamed you. Rodney What wasn't my fault? Del Well, you being a problem child. Rodney I wasn't a problem child! I was a good boy. Del Yes, but you did have a problem - you kept getting taller. Rodney What did you want me to do, stay at two foot four the rest of me life? Del See, most boys could wear the same trousers for a year and a half, but after a couple of months they'd look like Bermuda shorts on you. Rodney Well most of the pictures I've got of me as a schoolboy I was wearing short trousers anyway. Del No, Rodney, they might have looked like short trousers but they weren't short trousers. If you look very carefully at the bottoms of the legs you'll find that they are all fraying. That's where two months earlier they'd been rubbing on your shoes. Never stop believing Rodders. Right, I've gotta make a phone call then we'll get going. Del exits to the bedrooms area. Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a cup of tea. Rodney This is difficult. Albert What's wrong? Rodney Well, I've got a bit of good news and a bit of bad news for Del... I'm applying for another job. Albert Yeah? What's the bad news? Rodney That is the bad news! The good news is I'll stay on with Del until he finds someone suitable to replace me. Albert Well, that should take him about half an hour. Rodney Yeah, you won't be saying that when I'm the managing director of something will you? Albert You got something lined up then? Rodney produces the Peckham Echo. Rodney There's a job advertised in the paper. Listen to this: (Reading from newspaper) 'Local company seeks ambitious, energetic and creative young person to join its successful sales force.' Well, who they describing? Albert No, go on. Rodney It's me! Albert Is it? Rodney Yes! (Reading on) 'Experience with computers an advantage but not essential. Successful applicant will receive full training, good salary and company vehicle.' Well, I'm experienced with computers. Albert I know. But you've never got one to work yet. Rodney Oh, shuddup! Albert exits to his bedroom laughing. INT. DAY. DEL'S AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM. Raquel is in dressing gown and putting clothes on hangers and back in the wardrobe. Del is dressed, minus shoes, and is talking on his new mobile phone. Del (On phone) Yes... I'll call in this afternoon and sign all the forms. Yes, thank you. Bonjour. (Switches the phone off) Look at that, me new digital phone, clear as a bell. Raquel Was that the clinic you were talking to? Del Yeah. I'm having it done next Tuesday. Raquel You're serious about this, aren't you? Del Oh yeah, never been more serious. Raquel Look, Del, volunteering for this vasectomy is very brave and thoughtful of you, and I'm flattered that you're doing it for me. But you don't have to do it. Del No, I think it's for the best, sweetheart. Raquel But if you get - you know, sore - I don't want you coming back to me and saying, 'It's all your fault, Raquel!' Del As if I would do that! Del is now putting his shoes on and is some distance from his mobile phone. The mobile phone begins ringing. Del That's the first call on me new phone. Answer it darling, will you? And be posh! Raquel What? Del Be posh. Raquel Yes, sir! Raquel is now on the phone with a very exaggerated posh voice. Raquel Hello, how may I help you? Raquel smiles at Del. We now intercut with lounge. Rodney (On the BT phone) Oh hello I'm phoning about the job advertised in the Peckham Echo. Cut to bedroom. Raquel reacts as if she recognises Rodney's voice. Raquel (Very posh) Hold the line, caller. (To Del) Have you put an ad in the Peckham Echo? Del Yeah, help for Rodney. Who's that? Raquel Rodney. Del Rodney? What's he phoning me for? He's only in the bloody living room. Raquel No, he's applying for the job. Del What? He's applying to assist himself! (Smiles) I gotta think about this. Press hold, it plays music. Raquel (On phone) I'll put you on hold whilst I connect you with our marketing department. Cut to living room. Rodney (On phone) Thank you. From Rodney's phone we hear a click and then "Old Shep" begins playing. Rodney looks at the phone and thinks, 'Old Shep'? It is a strong clue, but he doesn't get it. Cut to bedroom. Del Treacherous little git! I'm gonna wind him right up. Raquel No, Del, don't. He'll feel embarrassed. Del With any luck. Del takes the phone. Now on the phone with a strong Welsh accent. Del 'Allo, this is the Market- ing Manager, sorry to have kept you, My name is Ivor Hardy... Rodney (On phone) Oh hello Mr Hardy. Del (On phone) And you are? Rodney (On phone) My name's Rodney Trotter. Del (On phone) Trotter you say? You're not related to the Trotter brothers, are you? Rodney (On phone) No, I've never heard of them. Del (On phone) Oh well, you're lucky. I've heard rumours about them. Right couple of scallywags so I hear! Well, mind you the elder one's OK. A very good businessman and intelligent with it, so I'm told. It's his dippy younger brother who's the problem. Rodney (On phone) Oh really? Like I say I've never heard of them. So, you mention a good salary and a company vehicle - could you tell me a little more about that, please?... Mmmh... Yes, I can ride a bike. Del, with phone concealed in his pocket, enters from bedrooms area. Del Alright, Rodders? Rodney (On phone) Just one moment please. Yeah. T'riffic. Del (Scanning the room) I wanna make a call. Where's the phone? Rodney Erm - I'm using it, talking with Cassandra. Del She alright is she? Rodney Yeah, great. Del Give her my love. Rodney Will do. Del And give her yours as well. Rodney Eh? Del In my Modern Man book it says it's very important to tell the lady in your life that you love her, especially when she's pregnant. Go on, tell her. Rodney What? No, I feel embarrassed. Del There's only you and me here and I suggested it. Go on, tell her. Rodney Later. Del No, go on, tell her. Rodney (Quietly) God! (On phone. Very quickly so it's almost indiscernible) I love you. Del, about to enter kitchen, produces his phone and cups his hands round the mouthpiece. Del (On phone) Sorry, what was that? Rodney (On phone) Nothing. I coughed. Del (On phone) Oh, for a moment I thought you said you loved me. Rodney (On phone) No, I just coughed. So what exactly do you sell and what would be the successful applicants duties? Now Del enters from the kitchen. Rodney has his back to Del. Del slowly moves forward until, for the final lines, he is standing next to Rodney. Del (On phone as Hardy) Well we buy and sell any- thing we can lay our hands on, isn't it? And you will be expected to go down the market and sell the old crap from a suitcase. You could be just the man for the job, Mr Trotter. We're always on the lookout for... (Now adopting his own voice) Devious little plonkers like you! Rodney looks at Del - now down at Del's phone. He now just looks at his own phone. Rodney (On phone) Did you put that ad in the paper, Derek? Del (On phone) Yes I did, Rodney! Rodney hangs up. Rodney I don't believe it! The job in the paper I really fancied and it was mine! So what's going on then? Were you gonna find someone else and then get rid of me? Del No, Rodney. You were trying to get rid of me! I was looking for someone to help you, in case you have to get away quickly because of Cassandra. I was just tryin' to help you, Rodney, that's all. Rodney is touched by Del's thoughtfulness. Rodney I didn't realise. Thanks, Del - and I'm sorry. Del So what's all this new job lark? Rodney It really hit home the other day. When the baby's born we gotta fill in the birth certificate. There's a section on there that says: 'Father's Occupation'. And I thought, what do I put? A gofer! Del No. You put 'Sales Director.' I'm going to expand, Rodney. From now on, Rodders, you are in charge of sales and I'm in charge of purchasing. You'll be in the marketplace, you'll be selling. I'll be up there in the factories and the warehouses buying it. If one line is selling particularly well, you get on the blower to me and say, buy more of them Del. Rodney Yes! We should have done this ages ago. Del Expansion. Rodney follows Del into the kitchen. Rodney And streamline the business. Del Yes. We'll expand by streamlining! So, what d'you say? Rodney I assume I'll receive in increase in salary commensurable with my extra responsibility and workload? Del Yes. Say fifteen per cent. Rodney But you don't pay me regularly now. Del Well, I'll have to owe you more... Rodders, I feel as if we have just taken the first step on the road to our horizon. Rodney Yeah, me too. Del Come on. Let's go down Sid's caff. Historic moments always make me fancy a bacon roll. INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. LOCATION. Rodney is seated at the table eating a bun. Del is sitting opposite finishing a fry-up. Del sees something at the cafe window and panics. Del Quick Rodney! Get down! Del and Rodney hide beneath the table. Rodney What's happening? Del It's that Doctor Singh! We see a tall, well-built Sikh man looking through the cafe window. Satisfied that Del is not there, he leaves. Rodney and Del clamber out from beneath the table and sit back in their seats. Del That was a close one. Rodney He's gonna catch us event- ually. Del Yeah, well we'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Rodney, I've been thinking. Rodney What about? Del A vasectomy. Rodney chokes on his bun. Del pats him on the back. Del Gone down the wrong hole has it? Rodney Yeah. A vasectomy?? Del Keep the noise down! Rodney How does Raquel feel about it? Del No, I'm gonna have it done! Rodney I know that! Bloody hell! I meant, have you discussed it with Raquel? Del Yeah, last night I said to her 'Sweetheart, I'm gonna have a vasectomy.' Rodney So it was quite an in- depth discussion? Del You can't make these decisions lightly. Rodney And what was her reaction? Del Well, she was quiet for a while - then she started laughing again. See, we can't really afford another nipper and we ain't got room in the flat anyway. And I don't think Raquel fancies having another baby, not after Damien. Rodney Can't blame her. Del How d'you mean? Rodney Well, it was a long labour, weren't it? She had a bad time. Del That's right. So in the end we both agreed it was for the best. And what do we want with another baby? We've got Damien and he's like two kids rolled into one, ain't he? Rodney At least... Del, there are other ways of not having a child. Couldn't you, you know, wear something in bed? Del Wear something - I've got me new pyjamas - Oh gotchyer! No, too risky! Rodney What about a cap? Del A cap? Rodney I don't mean go to bed in a beret. I mean a medical sort of thing. Del No, don't fancy that. Lennie Norris's missus used one of those and she still fell for a kid. You know him, that boy down the market with the flat head. See, me and Raquel have only gotta look at each other and she's three months gone. I must be full of hormones. Rodney I'm full of hormones as well! You can't get any more hormones into me. Doctor said. Del Yeah, but I think I must have loads of, you know... tadpoles. Rodney Tadpoles? Del Those things you see on the telly under the microscope. Rodney I've got loads of them as well! Del Yeah, but I must have more tadpoles than the Serpentine! Rodney Funny innit? I'm just starting off and you're putting a stop to it. Del Yeah, it's a funny old world. Rodney You gonna have it done at the hospital? Del Well, I ain't letting Trigger do it with his Black and Decker, am I? Rodney I mean, are you going to the hospital or the local clinic? Del The clinic. I want your advice. Before I have it you know - done. Rodney Yeah? Del Well, a lot of these rich and successful go to one of these bans and leave their - tadpoles. Rodney Do they? Del Yeah, I read it in my book. D'you think I should do that? Rodney You could. I don't know how Nat West'll feel about it. Del No, special banks that freeze things. Then, when I'm rich and famous, future generations will be able to use it. There could be lots of little Damienís every- where. Rodney No! What I mean is, it could upset Raquel. Psychologically, she might think you were being unfaithful. You know how a woman's mind works. Del I never thought of that. Well done, bruv. Come on, onwards and upwards. Rodney, don't tell anyone about this, will you? Rodney Of course not. They move towards the door. Del (Cheerfully) Thank you very much, Sid, that was horrible as usual. Sid (Equally cheerful) All the best, Del. Del exits. Rodney is about to exit. Rodney Sid. Del's having a vasectomy. Sid A vasectomy? (To the other diners) Del Boy's having a vasectomy. Rodney exits leaving the entire cafe discussing Del's vasectomy. INT. DAY. SURGICAL THEATRE. DREAM SEQUENCE. A frightened Del is laid on a surgical bed. He is wear- ing a surgical gown which is done up down to the thighs. We see his large legs. A white-coated middle-aged nurse is exiting the room. Nurse The doctor will be with you in a moment. Del Thank you, nurse. Del looks at the instruments tray. He sees a scalpel which twinkles with razor-sharpness. The door opens and Doctor Singh enters. He smiles at Del. Dr Singh Mr Trotter. Del (Terrified) Doctor Singh. Em, about that paint I sold you for your surgery. Dr Singh Oh, let's not worry about that, I have work to do. He picks up the scalpel. Dr Singh (Cont'd) Not nervous are you? Del Just a tad you know. It's my first time. Dr Singh (Laughing almost evilly) Mine too! Del visibly gulps. Dr Singh pulls Del's gown open in a brusque manner. Del flinches. Dr Singh (Apparently examining vitals) Mmh mmh... Mmmh... You're a big man, Mr Trotter. Del Oh, thank you doctor. Dr Singh pats Del's stomach. Dr Singh You should go on a diet. (Laughs) I always say that, just to relax the patient. Del Yeah, I've got to remember that one ext time I've got some bloke's vitals in me hand. Dr Singh I'll give you a small injection just to numb the area. Del Oh thank you. The Doctor now produces a large hypodermic syringe with a long needle. He approaches Del. Dr Singh This might sting a bit. Del opens his mouth to cry out in fear. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM. Del is in bed asleep. He wakes from his nightmare and cries out. Del Aaarghhh! Raquel What's wrong? Del Eh? Oh, nothing! Bad dream. Can't remember what it was about now. This, em, this vasectomy idea. What d'you really think about it? Raquel I don't mind, honest. Del Alright, Raquel, you win! I won't have it done. EXT. DAY. NELSON ANDELA HOUSE. The three-wheeled van pulls up and Del and Rodney alight. Del opens the back of the van and takes his suitcase out. Rodney So what finally put you off the vasectomy then? Didnít have the balls? Rodney laughs. Del No, I wasn't frightened! It was a medical reason. See, I kept thinking about the tadpoles. Rodney What about 'em? Del Well... where do they go? Rodney How d'you mean? Del Well when you have the operation it stops 'em going, well, their normal route so where do they go? Rodney Were you worried about 'em hanging round on street corners? Del All I'm saying is they've gotta go somewhere. It got to such a point I thought I'd be frightened to sneeze. Now Doctor Singh appears as if from nowhere. Dr Singh Aah! Caught you at last, Mr Trotter. Del Doctor Singh, how nice to see you again. Dr Singh Have you seen my surgery lately? This paint you sold me is peeling off in great chunks. It's a medical practice, Mr Trotter, and it looks as if my walls have got scabies! Patients are leaving me. Del Yes. The thing is, Dr Singh, we didn't realise until some time after that the paint was ever so slightly out of date, did we, Rodney? Rodney No. We spotted a tin and noticed it said: 'Use by June 1983'. Dr Singh Well I want something done about it and fast! Del Yes of course, Doctor Singh. I'll have a member of my painting and decorating department call on you tomorrow. Dr Singh If you don't Mr Trotter... Doctor Singh points a threatening finger at Del. Dr Singh (Cont'd) I'll be back! Doctor Singh moves away towards a small pop-pop motor bike. Del Yes, thank you, Doctor Singh. Missing you already... 'I'll be back'! He always says that. Did you know that's why they've nicknamed him the Turbanator? The Turban-ator. Geddit? Rodney I don't believe you some- times! Doctor Singh is an honest and law-abiding man. You new that paint was iffy. Del How was I supposed to know? What am I, some sort of pain expert? We see Doctor Singh driving off on his small motorbike. Del (Cont'd) Don't give me all that rubbish about him being a law-abiding man! Look, riding that bike without wearing a crash helmet. Rodney He's a Sikh! Under the law Sikhs are excused crashed hats! I mean, how's he gonna get a helmet over that turban? Del Yeah, I didn't think of that. I suppose that's why you never see a Sikh astronaut. Rodney (Sighs) More than likely, Del. Rodney enters the flats. Del watches Mr Singh driving away. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Wall clock stands at 5.30. Albert is reading a news- paper. We hear Rodney's and Del's raised voices from the open door to the bedrooms area. Rodney (OS) I am not wearing it, OK? It's half past five and that's my going home time! Del (OS) Rodney, opportunities don't stop presenting themselves just 'cos Cassandra's put the sprouts on! At least see how it looks so we can get an overview. Rodney (OS) This is bloody stupid, Del and I'm not doing it! Del (OS) Since when has a safety- device been stupid? This little invention of mine could help prevent serious injury. I mean just imagine, there are millions of Sikhs all over the world driving motor cycles who are completely unprotected. Rodney enters from the bedrooms area. He is wearing his normal clothes but strapped to his head is one of Del's horse-riding protective helmets with a turban wrapped round it. Del opens his arms expansively as if to say: look how wonderful Rodney looks. Albert looks at Rodney, shakes his ead sadly, and returns to his paper. Del And the answer to their problems in y new company - TCT! Albert TCT? Del Trotters Crash Turbans. This is our opportunity to do something for our fellow man.' Rodney It's also an opportunity for you to get rid of them horse-riding crash-hats you got lumbered with. Del Hang about, this is a stereototype, Rodney. Rodney It's not even a prototype! It's a show-jumping helmet with one of Raquel's old scarfs glued on top! Del Exactly! That's because Raquel is one hundred per cent behind this project! She said, 'Take whatever you need Del, I wanna do my bit for mankind'. Rodney sees himself in the mirror. Rodney Look! Look! I mean... Look! Del I think you look rather dashing. Rodney I look like a human- cannonball who's crashed into someone's washing line. Del God, I hate vanity! Rodney, think of this in humanit- arian terms. Every time a Sikh bloke gets on a motorbike, like our friend Mr Singh, he is taking his life in his hands. That's why you never see gangs of Sikh Hell's Angels. But once these come on the market they'll all be dashing around like Barry Sheen. As soon as you've taken this over to Southall and Wembley and shown the Sikh community in all its glory... Rodney (Cutting in) Take it over and show 'em? Del They will be buying these by the thousand. Then we'll be selling through- out Asia and America and Australia. Rodney You expect me to go over and sell it? Del You are my new director of sales aren't you? Rodney They'll smash my head in! Del Of course they won't, they're peaceful loving people. Anyway even if they do, you'll be wearing a Trotter Crash Turban! A perfect opportunity to prove how effective it is! You know it makes sense. Rodney All I know is I am not stepping outside this door dressed like this! Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying cutlery and dinner things which she takes to the table. Raquel shows no reaction to Rodney's condition. Raquel Alright, Rodney. Rodney Hiya, Raquel. Albert During the war. Del Will you shut up? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting and we are not interested in U-Boats or giant squids! Albert I was just gonna say that during the war I spent some time in India and I got to know a little about the Sikh religion. And what I discovered was; to a Sikh the turban has supposed to enter the body. In other words it has to be in contact with the head. Rodney Yeah, see this thing doesn't touch the head 'cos there's a bloody horse riding helmet in between! Del Alright, I'll stick a bit underneath so it is touching the head! I haven't finished the design yet! What d'you think of it, Raquel? Raquel I can't see it catching on, Del. I mean, what would you wear with it? Raquel laughs. She now spots something. Raquel (Cont'd) Is that my scarf? Del I'll get you another one, don't worry. Raquel You've got a nerve, Trotter! Del Look at it again, Raquel and realise this is not a fashion statement. Raquel I guessed that, Derek. I guessed that! Del It's a safety device. Rodney Del, people'd rather be critically injured than wear this! The phone rings and Albert moves to answer it. Del Answer that will you? You take my word for it. Three months from now you'll see that thing on Tomorrow's World. Raquel More like Wayne's World. Rodney I am not going on Tomorrow's World looking like this. Albert Rodney, it's Cassandra's bank for you. Rodney Oh Gawd, I suppose she's got another late meeting. (On phone) Hello... When? Del People laughed when they invented air bags. Raquel No they didnít, it was a good invention. Del Alright, tell me one invention that was laughed at when it was first seen. Raquel (Points to Rodney's head) That! Rodney (On phone) Yeah, I'm on my way, thank you. Rodney replaces the receiver. Del What's up, Rodders? Rodney is too shocked for tears and emotions. Rodney They rushed Cassandra to hospital. She's had a miscarriage. Del, Raquel and Albert just stare blankly at this news. INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL/A&E WAITING AREA. It should look over-crowded, under staffed and under- funded. In the background people are queuing to register at the admin' counter. Nurses and doctors are rushing to and fro. Hospital staff are carrying more seriously ill patients on stretchers. There are parents with crying children and babies, some- one with their arm in a make-shift sling, someone in a track-suit, their broken ankle heavily bandaged, someone with blood over their eyes and nose where they have taken a fall or beaten up and elderly couples, frightened and just waiting patiently. Walking around and through the seated patients is a young man who is generally being a pain in the arse to everyone. He is six feet tall and well built. He wears scruffy jeans and an equally scruffy T-shirt. He is unshaven and you would guess, in his private life, is a drunkard and a bully. He is used to shouting and frightening people and therefore getting his own way. He's the kind of guy you would love to see someone beat up. Man (Shouting at the passing staff) Are you lot having a laugh with me or something? I've been here nearly twenty minutes already and the only person in this poxy hospital who's spoken to me is that old cow. The man indicates the registration clerk. Receptionist I'm sorry sir, but we're very busy, we'll attend to you as soon as we can. Now, if you'd like to take a seat. Man I'll tell you what I'd like to do darling. I'd like to take a seat and chuck it through that bleedin' window. During this Del and Rodney have entered through the main doors. Rodney is in a state of shock and fear. Del Take it easy, Rodney, everything's gonna be alright. Del approaches a sister. Del Excuse me, nurse. D'you know which ward Mrs Trotter is in? Sister Are you Mr Trotter? Del Yes, I am. Sister This way. Del Come on, Rodders. INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR. The sister, followed by Del, who is followed by Rodney, move down the corridor until they come to a gown room. The sister produces a theatre gown and hat. Sister (To Del) Put these on. It's just a precaution. Del puts gown, etc, on. Rodney is just standing in the background like a spare one. The sister indicates down the corridor. Sister (Cont'd) Mrs Trotter is in a single room, number 46, on the right. Please remember she is, naturally, and very upset and we don't want her being excited in any way. Del Thanks. Del moves off. Rodney Can I put one of them on? For the first time the Sister is aware of Rodney. Sister Who are you? Rodney I'm her husband. Sister (Referring to the fast disappearing Del) Who the hell's that then? Rodney That's my bruvver. INT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE ROOM 46. Del arrives at room 46. He pauses at the door as he awaits Rodney's arrival. Rodney, with gown on and just placing hat on head, arrives. Rodney looks at the door with trepidation. Rodney What the bloody hell am I supposed to say to her? Del You'll say something, Rodney. Don't worry, it'll just come. Now listen to me, Rodney, at this pacific moment in time, Cassandra she don't need doom and gloom. She needs you to be optimistic. Rodney Oh yeah, I feel optimist- ic, right now don't I? Del It doesn't matter how you feel, Rodney you have got to... Rodney (Cutting in) It doesn't matter how I feel? Del No. You do your crying in the van on our way home! Right now you've got to be her rock. Talk about the future, not the past or the present, just the future. Because you two, you two have got so many good times to come. Things are gonna get better and better. Rodney Ain't it strange how I find that hard to believe right now? Del Well you believe it 'cos it's true. Right now she needs your strength. So no booing or sobbing, just be comforting and understanding. It's time to be a man, Rodney. A real man. Right? Rodney Right. Del OK. Good boy. Del opens the door. INT. NIGHT. SINGLE WARD/ROOM 46. Cassandra is seated in the bed propped up by pillows. She is just staring blankly at the wall in front of her. The door opens and Rodney and Del enter. Rodney smiles to her. Rodney The bank phoned and told me. Cassandra smiles back to him and then breaks down. Cassandra (Tearfully, almost like a child) I'm sorry, Rodney! Del breaks down crying. After his big corridor speech, Rodney allows himself a glance at the sobbing Del. He now moves to Cassandra. Rodney What are you saying sorry for? Don't be silly. Cassandra I let you down! I let everyone down! Rodney Of course you didn't! It happens, Cass, it just happens. There was nothing you or I could do. Del You didn't let anyone down sweetheart. And don't blame yourself. You tell her, Rodney. This time next year - go on, tell her. Rodney Yeah I will. (Joining Del) Look, I think maybe this'd be a good time for us to be on our own to discuss a few things. Del Yeah, I think you're right, bruv. Cassandra, me and Rodney are gonna pop outside for a little chat. Rodney No, I meant me and Cassandra should be on our own. Del Of course! Yes, right! (To Cassandra) I'll see you later, Cassandra. And... Del doesn't know what to say. Del (Cont'd) You know I'll wait for you outside, Rodders. Del exits and closes the door. Rodney sits by the bed and takes Cassandra's hand. Cassandra looks into his eyes but cannot find any words. Cassandra (Crying) I lost our baby. Rodney I know. I can't leave you alone with anything, can I? Rodney smiles at her. Cassandra smiles back through her tears. They hug each other. Rodney (Cont'd) We're gonna get over this, Cass, and we're gonna win. And d'you know why? It's because we are strong - very strong. Things are gonna get better and better and better for us. Or as Del would say, betterer. Cassandra (Smiling) I love you, Rodney. Rodney And I love you, Cass. I love you so much. INT. NIGHT. A&E WAITING ROOM. The scruffy bully boy is still walking round and complaining loudly. We now see Mike talking to a doctor. He has a bandage on his forehead. Mike It sort of burnt me right across the forehead here. He produces Del's hair dryer. Mike (Cont'd) See, the bloke what sold it to me said it was a hair- dryer, it turns out to be an electric paint-stripper. Doctor Come with me, Mr Fisher. The Doctor and Mike move off. Man Why's he getting seen before me? Del, in gown and cap, enters. Man (Cont'd) I don't know why people bother paying their national health stamps. If I'd ever had a job I wouldn't have paid for 'em. Receptionist Will you please keep your voice down? Man No. It's a free country and I'll shout as much as I want! Well, like you're looking after all these bloody malingerers - I should be top of your list. We see Del eyeing the man. There is a vengeful look on Del's face. Man (Cont'd) I took some pills earlier, no I've no idea what they are 'cos I was drunk, but they're starting to upset me! You nurses are always whinging about getting poor wages. You don't deserve anything better 'cos do you hear that, you're all sodding useless. Del approaches. Del Excuse me, sir. The man turns. Man What? Del now chins him with a crisp right-hander. The man is catapulted backwards by the force of the blow. The back of his legs hit a low table and he somersaults on his back. He ends up sprawled on the floor with his head resting up against a wall. Del approaches. Del Feeling any better? The man is glassy-eyed and frightened. Man Yes, thank you, doctor. Del All part of the service. Bonjour. As Del passes an elderly couple who have witnessed the incident in wide-eyed surprise. Del (Cont'd) I bet you wish you'd gone private, don't you?

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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