INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT.
Rodney, in his best suit is seated reading a woman’s
magazine. Albert, dressed in his best clothes enters
from the kitchen with crisps.
Albert
You alright, son? Looking
forward to tonight down
the pub?
Rodney
Yeah. I don't want a big
thing made of it, you
know. I mean, me and
Cassandra are having a
baby, that's all.
Albert
Yeah, but you know what
Del's like. Any excuse for
a celebration. You don't
think Del'd mind if I
borrowed some of his after
-shave, do you?
Rodney
What do you want to use
after-shave for? You've
got Epping bloody Forest
growing round your chops!
Albert
I just wanted to smell
nice, that's all.
Rodney
Well in that case, don't
use Del's after-shave!
Del, in best suit enters from the kitchen carrying a
bowl of crisps and a bowl of nuts.
Del
Oh, there you are Rodders,
I didn't hear you arrive.
Go on, help yourself to a
dry roasted. Where's
Cassandra then?
Rodney
Raquel wanted to show her
something in the bedroom.
Albert
It's them baby clothes
she's got for you.
Rodney
Oh, she shouldn't have done
that.
Del
No, it's aright, they're
some of Damien's old
clothes.
Rodney
(Mild alarm)
What?
Del
Suit your nipper a treat
they will.
Rodney
Yeah... I'm gonna get a
beer.
Rodney moves towards the kitchen.
Albert
If it's a boy d'you reckon
it'll look like Rodney?
Del
It don't matter as long as
it's healthy.
Rodney stops in the doorway and reacts. He exits to the
kitchen.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, I know what Raquel's
doing, she's showing
Cassandra some of them new
clothes I bought her
today.
Albert
New clothes? It's not her
birthday, is it?
Del
No, it's not her birthday.
Well, they're not 'new'
clothes, they're as good
as.
Del picks up his book.
Del
(Cont'd)
And it means I done my bit
for charity.
Rodney enters from the kitchen with a beer.
Del
(Cont'd)
Ah, Rodders there you are,
you seen this? Modern Man,
brilliant it is. It says
here: 'you shouldn't wait
for special occasions to
give your loved one a
present. Arrive home with
a little surprise any day
of the week and help keep
your relationship
exciting'. I done that, it
says: 'Your partner should
never have to seek
attention from you. A
compliment is the easiest
thing to give and the
nicest thing to receive.'
It's obvious when you come
to think about it, it's
far easier to say
something nice than
something nasty.
Raquel and Cassandra enter from the bedrooms area. She
is dressed in her best frock. She opens her arms in a
'well what do you think' gesture.
Raquel
Well?
Del is busy reading his book.
Del
Yes, very well, thank you
darling!
Raquel
(Deflated)
Oh! Good.
Albert
You look lovely, Raquel.
Raquel
Thank you very much,
Albert.
Rodney
Yes, you look very nice,
Raquel.
Raquel
Thank you. Wait till you
see this.
Raquel exits to bedrooms area.
Albert
And you look lovely,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
Thank you, Albert.
Del
Oh, there you are, sweet-
heart.
(Feeling her
belly)
How's my little nephew?
Cassandra
Get off!
Raquel returns wearing a fur jacket.
Raquel
Well. What d'you think?
Rodney and Cassandra look at each other uncertain of how
to react.
Cassandra
Well, this is difficult,
Raquel. You see, Rodney
and I are both opposed to
the fur trade.
Rodney
What Cass is trying to say
is, we both think it
looked better on the
animal. Whatever that was.
Albert
Innit marvelous? Del buys
Raquel a coat and you two
have a pop at her!
Rodney
Del bought it? Oh, I'm
sorry, Raquel, I thought
it was real!
Del
No, dopey, no, it's
stimulated fur!
Rodney
Sorry, didn't realise.
Del
I tell you what we are
going to do then. 'Cos
little Damien's downstairs
with the babysitter, so
let's have a couple of
glasses of champagne and
then get down the Nag's
Head for some decent
celebrations.
We see a worried Rodney draw a twenty pound note from his
pocket. He quickly replaces it.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To Cassandra)
And oi, you're on orange
juice, alright.
Cassandra
Yes, thank you, doctor.
Del
All part of the service.
Del and Rodney exit to kitchen.
Rodney
Del. I feel a bit
embarrassed.
Del
You don't need to. I mean
you got a tie, and suit,
the full Monty.
Rodney
No, no. I didn't mean that,
I've only got twenty quid
on me.
Del
What happened to your
wages?
Rodney
This is me wages.
Del
Oh yeah. I remember we had
a bit of a hard week,
bruv.
Rodney
I know. I was there!
Del
Well, I'm even worse off
than you. I spent all my
money on Raquel's dress.
Don't worry about tonight's
festivities, we'll put it
on the slate.
Rodney
D'you reckon Mike'll stand
it?
Del
Course he will. He's a
diamond that man, absolute
diamond.
Rodney
Well I hope you're right
... And oi, why don't you
say something nice to
Raquel? She's got herself
all done up and you ain't
said a word.
Del
I was busy reading me book,
weren't I?
Del and Rodney exit to lounge.
By now Raquel and Cassandra are seated on the settee,
Raquel reading her magazine.
Del
Alright, alright, I'll
think of something nice to
say. Let's go. Come on
then girls, ladies and
gentlemen, time to
celebrate, go on Rodney,
you got the girls, Albert
this is yours.
Raquel has seen something in her magazine.
Raquel
I don't believe it!
Cassandra
What's that?
Raquel
You see this girl here. I
worked with her years ago
when I was in show
business. She was just a
kid then! Look at her
now, she's about to
appear in the new James
Bond film!
Cassandra
Ooh, Piers Bronson.
Rodney
Now you don't need Piers
Bronson dear, you've got
me.
Cassandra
Yeah, haven't I just?
Del
(Looking over
Raquel's shoulder)
Well, I tell you what,
Raquel. If she can be in a
James Bond film, so could
you.
Raquel
(Laughing but
complimented)
Oh shut up.
Del
No, you could.
Raquel
Don't be silly.
Del
I'm serious. I mean, look
at her, she's a dog.
Raquel reacts. Cassandra closes her eyes and turns away.
We see Rodney's reaction. Del gives Rodney the thumbs
up as he sips the champagne.
INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
It is Saturday night and a packed bar is celebrating
Rodney's and Cassandra's news. We find, Rodney,
Cassandra, Raquel, Denzil, Boycie and Marlene seated at
a table close to the bar. Rodney, Boycie and Marlene
appear to have had one too many. Albert is at the piano
playing and singing 'You must have been a beautiful
baby'.
Trigger is at another table chatting with a few of the
regulars. Mickey Pearce is at the bar chatting with a
few younger guys. Del is at the bar with Mike who is
placing drinks on a tray and other drinks on counter.
Mike
So that's a G&T for Raquel,
a Tequila Slammer for
Rodney, orange juice for
Cassandra. Oh by the way,
that Doctor Singh, the
Indian bloke was in here
this afternoon asking about
you! Something to do with
some paint you sold him.
Del hides his momentary panic.
Del
Was he?
Mike
He seemed rather anxious
to talk to you. Problems?
Del
No, no, no! A simple mis-
understanding. Nothing that
can't be sorted out with a
civilized chat. If he calls
again, Mike, will you tell
him I've gone to live in
New Zealand.
Mike
I think I can remember
that. Here, have Rodney and
Cassandra thought of a name
for the baby yet?
Del
No, not yet, Mike. It's
early days, she's only just
a little bit pregnant,
ain't she? Long way to go.
Mike
Still, shows Rodney got
the hang of it in the end.
Del
Oh yes! He's a Trotter,
Michael. We don't stop till
the job's finished. Right,
so that's a Singapore Sling
for me, a cognac for
Boycie, vodka and lime for
Marlene, a Cubre Libre for
Denzil...
(Indicates Albert)
A rum and Black for Bobby
Crush, scotches for the
market lads, a pint of
diesel for Trigger...
(Calls over to
Mickey)
Mickey, what you and your
mates having?
Mickey
Canadian Clubs all round,
Del. Cheers.
Del
And have one yourself,
Mike.
Mike
Thanks, Del. Right, that's,
er, call it twenty five
pound for cash.
Del
Put it on the slate,
Michael.
Mike
There's no more slate, Del.
I've had a visit from the
brewery.
Del
Right.
(Produces a
fiver)
There's a fiver, and,
erm...
Del pats his clothes in search of his wallet.
Del
(Cont'd)
Would you Adam ad Eve it?
I've only gone and left me
wallet at home. I remember
now Damien was playing
with it earlier. I was
teaching him on financial
management - you know,
avoiding expensive pubs,
that sort of thing.
Mike starts to take the drinks back.
Mike
That's alright, I'll sell
'em to someone else.
Del
What d'you mean, you'll
sell 'em to someone else?
They'll be second-hand.
Mike
I'll sell 'em cheap then!
Del
Well, I'll give you a
fiver for 'em now.
Mike
Look Del, it's not my
fault, it's the brewery!
They've brought in this
revolutionary new rule;
from now on customers have
to pay for their drinks.
Del
I hate all these newfangled
ideas! I'll tell you what
I'll do for you. Wait
there.
Del produces a bag. From his bag Del produces a hair-
dryer. It is a different shape from the normal hair-
dryer.
Del
I've just laid me hands on
these brand new, radically
-designed hair-dryers. They
retail at sixty nine
pounds ninety nine in
Regents Street, it's yours
for fifteen nicker.
Mike
Del, look at my hair. What
do I need one of them for?
I've only gotta stick me
head out the window for
ten seconds and I'm bone
dry!
Del produces a jagged ended attachment.
Del
But this comes complete
with a volumiser. Gives
your hair lots of body.
Mike
So I could end up looking
like Lilly Savage? Very
tempting.
Del
I'm giving it to you for
fifteen quid, Mike!
Mike
Alright, giss it here.
(Puts hair-dryer
behind bar)
You still owe me a tenner!
Del
I tell you what. You are
a bit of a gambling man.
We'll have a bet, double
or quits. If I win I
give you a fiver for
this round. You win, I
owe you a tenner.
Mike
But you already owe me a
tenner!
Del
You've nothing to lose
then, have you?
Trigger approaches at this point and observes Del and
Mike.
Del
Hold your hands out in
front of you and I bet I
can make you turn them over
without touching you.
Mike
You can make me turn my
hands over without touching
me?
Del
Yeah. It's called 'The Power
of Positive Thought'. Go'n,
hold 'em out.
Mike holds his hands out in front of him, palms down.
Del
No, the other way.
Mike turns his hands over, palms up.
Del
There you go, see.
Del places the fiver in Mike's upturned palm.
Del
Thank you, Michael.
Del takes the tray and returns to the table. Mike,
holding the fiver, is despondent at losing so easily.
Trigger is smiling in wonderment at the trick.
Trigger
That's good, innit?
Mike
Oh brilliant, Trig, bloody
brilliant.
We cut to the table where Del has handed drinks out (or
everyone's helping themselves from the tray).
Boycie
(Has had one
too many)
I have been a motor-dealer
for many years now, but,
until recently, I never
thought of the damage
exhaust emig... emiti...
Denzil
Fumes.
Boycie
Yes. Never thought of the
damage fumes did to our
world. Let me explain my
theory.
(To Rodney)
And the girl Cassandra will
bear me out, she works in
a bank.
Rodney
I know, we're married.
Boycie
Precisely.
Del
Same again, Mike.
Boycie
Now, allow me to continue.
My theory is: the future
holds the key to our
success.
Del
Don't tell Raquel's Dad
that, he's an antique
dealer.
Boycie
We must support the future!
By that I mean our world
and children. Now I've
recently invested a lot of
money in electric cars.
Marlene
Yeah, he bought Tyler a
Scalectrix set.
Boycie
I'm not talking about model
bloody racing cars, for
Gawd's sake!
Everyone laughs.
Rodney
No, he means electric
engines. And he's right,
Cassandra will bear him out.
My wife I'm proud to say,
has just got another
promotion.
Raquel
Oh. Congratulations.
Del
Well done darling.
Cassandra
I haven't been promoted,
Rodney. I've just been
moved to another
department. My banks has
instigated this kind of
'Save the World' programme.
We're investing capital in
companies involved in
recycling and conservation
initiatives.
Del
She could be talking about
us, couldn't she?
Rodney
Could she?
Del
We have always been very
environmentally conceptual.
Raquel
Well, I've discovered a new
use for old clothes - I
wear 'em.
Everyone laughs.
Del
It's your round, Rodders.
Rodney
Right.
Rodney moves to the bar. Mike is placing drinks on the
counter.
Mike
If it's the same as the
last round it'll be twenty
five pounds.
Rodney
Twenty five quid! Erm,
Mike?
Mike
(With his back
to Rodney)
No!
Rodney produces two tenners and ponders his predicament.
Trigger approaches.
Trigger
Alright, Dave?
Rodney
'Ello Trig.
Trigger
I can make you turn your
hands over without
touching you.
Rodney
Eh?
Trigger
I can make you turn your
hands over without
touching you. Hold 'em
out.
Rodney, with a heavy sigh, places the tenners in his
pocket and holds his ands out palms up.
Trigger
No, the other way.
Rodney turns his hands over, palms down.
Trigger
See?
(Handing Rodney
a fiver)
There you go, Dave.
Trigger walks away leaving a totally bewildered Rodney
with a fiver. At this point Albert finishes his song to
much applause. He makes his way to the table.
Denzil
Well done, Albert, very
nice.
Boycie
Yes, it reminded me of the
theme track from Noddy -
the Movie.
Rodney returns with a tray of drinks.
Denzil
Boycie's right about one
thing. You and Rodney
should be investing in
your children's future.
Things like schooling.
Boycie
You gotta send 'em to a
private school.
Del
I'd love to, but I haven't
got that sort of money to
throw around.
(Calls over to
bar)
Set 'em up again, Mike.
Marlene
Our Tyler's been private
since he was three. He's
seven now and he can
almost write his name.
Del
(Impressed)
Really? We'll have to
scrimp and save and send
Damien private.
Rodney
Well, I'm not sending my
child private. There's
nothing wrong with state
education.
Del
I'm not seeing Damien end
up in our old school, the
Dockside Secondary Modern.
Albert
Ooh, that was a tough old
place.
Del
Tough? We had the only
school magazine with an
obituary column.
Denzil
See, Rodney, we didn't
stand a chance of getting a
decent education 'cos of
the size of the classes.
Boycie
Fifty, sixty to a class.
Cassandra
Oh you're exaggerating,
your classes weren't that
big!
Denzil
It's the truth, Cassandra.
By the time the teacher'd
finished reading the
morning register it was
dinner time.
Del
You could tell the calibre
of the school by the head
boy.
Marlene
Who was it?
Del
Trigger.
Trigger hears his name and joins tem.
Trigger
D'you call, Del?
Del
Ah, there you are, Trig.
We were just talking old
school.
Rodney
Alright, let's ask Trig.
And you lot stay quiet,
no prompting! Trigger, did
you have big classes at
your old school?
Trigger
No, not very big.
Rodney
(At Del)
See!
Trigger
High ceilings though.
Boycie
And a few low ones. Remember
your accident?
Trigger
Oh yeah.
Raquel
Why? What happened?
Denzil
Trig was walking through
one of the corridors and he
smacked right into a Mind
Your Head sign.
Boycie
Gave him a right clout. His
family sued the education
authorities for brain-
damage.
Del
The judge awarded him seven
pound fifty compensations.
Albert
(Confused)
How d'you walk into a 'Mind
Your Head' sign? Didn't you
see it?
Trigger
Of course I saw it, but in
those days I couldn't read.
Trigger returns to the bar. We see the reactions of
Albert, Cassandra, Rodney, Raquel, Marlene and finally
Del - it's the first time he's heard the truth about
the incident.
Rodney
Perhaps it would be best
to go private.
Cassandra
Yeah, maybe.
Mike
(Calls)
Is someone gonna collect
these drinks or what?
Rodney
I'll get 'em.
Rodney moves to the bar. Mickey Pearce approaches.
Mickey
Rodney, congratulations.
Rodney
Thanks, Mickey.
Mickey
Here, I was down Sid's Caff
yesterday and that Doctor
Singh came in looking for
Del Boy.
Rodney
(Worried)
Did he?
Mickey
He struck me as an angry
man. What's it all about?
Rodney
Oh, it's something to do
with some paint and his
surgery. I mean, at the end
of the day it's not my
problem, is it? I just
work for Del.
Mickey
Yeah. That's just it.
You're just an employee.
You just follow orders.
Pick things up put things
down and then pick 'em up
again.
Rodney
(Sensing an
insult)
Yeah. But I do think for
myself.
Mickey
But it's not really a job
requirement, is it? I start
a new job next month. Good
money, prospects, company
car, the lot.
Rodney
Yeah? What are you, a
double-glazing salesman?
Mickey
No I'm not! Although it is
to do with glass.
Rodney
What, windows?
Mickey
It's a brand new company.
They've invented these new
solar windows.
Rodney
It's double-glazing, innit?
Mickey
No, no, no. I mean, fair
enough, it does involve two
panes of glass, but it's
not double-glazing.
Raquel now appears behind Rodney.
Mickey
(Cont'd)
This company is very
profile-conscious and
customer-driven. I'm gonna
be executive of area
perspective and overview,
combined with an aggressive
targeting strategy.
Rodney
You're a salesman.
Mickey
No, I'm almost a scientist!
It's a whole new concept
in user-friendly heating.
Rodney
You're a double-glazing
salesman, ain't you?
Mickey
Yeah. It's better than
working for Del, innit? I
mean, you're like a 34
year old paperboy.
Rodney
I might not be working for
him much longer. I'm on
the look-out for something
decent... Oh, Raquel!
Raquel
I just came up to give you
a hand with the drinks.
Raquel takes a couple of drinks and returns to the
table.
Rodney
Listen to me. There are a
few up ad coming young
firms who are after me.
Mickey
Oh yeah, I bet you're being
head-hunted by Ian Beale.
Well, you'd better do some-
thing quick, Rodney, you've
got a kid on the way.
Mike
(Calls)
Ladies and Gentlemen, will
you please raise your
glasses to our future Mum
and Dad, Rodney and
Cassandra.
Locals
Rodney and Cassandra.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Same night. Raquel is lying in bed reading a book. Del
enters dressed in lime green silk pyjamas with his
book.
Raquel
(Quietly)
Oh my God!
Del
Well what d'you think?
Raquel
Very nice, Del. They're
very... nice.
Del
Got 'em off Paddy the
Greek, seven pound fifty,
can't be bad, eh?
Raquel
Lovely.
Del climbs into bed. Del reads a few lines from his
book.
Del
It says here a bloke's
supposed to make contact
with his feminine side.
Don't mean you've gotta
wear a blouse or something
does it?
Raquel
No, I don't think so.
Del
Did you know geezers had
feminine sides?
Raquel
Well, I've read about it.
Look, I wouldn't worry, I
don't think it applies to
you.
Del
Thank God for that.
Brilliant book. Did you know
that women need to know
that they are not taken for
granted?
Raquel
Really?
Del
Yeah, there's some real eye
-openers in here.
Raquel
Del, can we talk for a
minute?
Del
(Engrossed in
book)
Eh?
Raquel
I heard Rodney and his
mate, Mickey Pearce talk-
ing tonight. He's
starting a new job.
Del
Mickey Pearce, you must be
joking! That bloke's been
on the dole so long he
gets invited to the staff
dance.
Raquel
I heard him telling Rodney
about it.
Del
The last job Mickey Pearce
had was over the East End
as a trainee jury-nobbler.
Raquel
Del, will you do something
for me? Give Rodney a
proper job.
Del
He's got a proper job.
Raquel
No he hasn't, he works for
you.
Del
Well that's a proper job.
Raquel
Alright, what does he do?
Del
Well, he sort of... well...
lifts things, and... keeps
an eye out... and, er...
drives.
Raquel
And how would you describe
his job? Give it a name, a
title.
Del
Well, he's a... erm... He's
a... a Rodney.
Raquel
That's not a proper job!
Del
It is! There are a lot of
people around who are...
'Rodneys'.
Raquel
Give him a job and a
title he can be proud of.
In seven months he'll be
a proud father.
Del
Listen Raquel, look, you
don't know him like I do.
Rodney's never been what
you'd call astute. If
I'd left him in charge we
wouldn't be where we are
today.
Raquel
No?
Del
No. He hasn't got a
business brain. If Rodney
owned a flower shop he'd
close on Valentines Day.
Raquel
Make him feel important.
Do something to help him.
Del
I'm in the process of doing
that very thing. I'm trying
to get Rodney some part-
time help. With Cassandra
the way she is, you never
know when he's gonna get a
call and have to dash off.
So I've let it be known I'm
looking for an assistant
for Rodney. Someone to take
the weight off his
shoulders.
Raquel
Aaah, that's nice of you.
Del
I know, I'm a nice fella...
This thing with Cassandra.
Raquel
You mean her pregnancy?
Del
Yeah. Not making you
broody, is it?
Raquel
No! I never want to go
through a pregnancy again.
This is all serious/jokey.
Del
Hurt, did it?
Raquel
Stung a bit.
Del
Yeah, I could tell.
Raquel
What gave it away? All that
screaming?
Del
Yeah, that was the main
clue. Still, he was worth
it in the end, weren't he?
Raquel
Yeah, of course he was.
It's not just that. There's
the financial side as well.
I mean, we can barely
afford to pay the mortgage
on this place let alone
feed another mouth. And
then there's the age thing
to be taken into account.
Del
True. You ain't getting any
younger, are you?
There is just a look over her book from Raquel.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
Same time. Rodney and Cassandra are lying in bed.
Rodney is deep in depressing thought.
Rodney
I've been thinking. One
day they might make a
musical about the
history of the Trotter
family. Then as a sequel
they could do Schindlers
List On Ice.
Cassandra
Correct me if I'm wrong
but are you feeling
slightly under-motivated
tonight?
Rodney
There are people on death
row with more motivation
than me. I've got to get
another job, Cass! I get
so frustrated working for
Del. I just wish he'd
present me with a
challenge every now and
then, like... I don't
know... giving someone
their change. Tomorrow we
are trying to sell these
Mickey Mouse hair-dryers
and some aerodynamic
cycling hats which are
really horse riding
helmets that have been
sprayed red - and we've
got a very angry Sikh
after our blood. This is
not what you'd call job
satisfaction.
Cassandra
Rodney, you're the only
one who can change Del's
attitude. Just going out
in the morning hoping
for the best is not good
enough. At the bank we
always advise small
businesses to target
specifics to achieve
maximum market
penetration.
Rodney
Cassandra, we're talking
about Derek Trotter! To
Del, 'Market Penetration'
means sex under a barrow!
Cassandra
But at least you can try
to influence him I mean,
you're involved in
decision-making now,
aren't you?
Rodney
Oh yeah, sometimes he
lets me toss the coin.
Decision-making! He's
just bought himself a
book.
Cassandra
Del has?
Rodney
Oh yeah. All words, no
pictures. It's called
Modern Man and, according
to the author, modern men
are decisive, positive
decision-makers and Del is
making decisions all over
the shop! It's thanks to
some of Del's decisive,
positive decision-making
that we have got the
consignment of Mickey
Mouse hair-dryers and a
load of cycling hats that
are horse riding helmets
sprayed red!
Cassandra
Look, why don't you talk
to him? I know he jumps
the gun a lot, but he does
listen to you.
Rodney
Yeah, I suppose you're
right. Actually I had a
word with him this morning
and told him he should
stop making these on the
spot decisions. I said to
think things through,
consider it, look at all
the angles and weigh up
the pros and cons. And I
think it hit home. Yeah,
I'm sure he took my words
on board.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Same time. Del and Raquel are in bed reading their
books.
Del
I'm gonna have a vasectomy!
Raquel bursts out laughing.
Del
(Cont'd)
Did I say something?
Raquel
What's brought this on?
Del
It says in my book that
modern men take the
responsibility when it
comes to family planning.
Millions of men all over
the world are having the
snip - they do it while
you wait.
Raquel
Del, why don't you think
about it for a while?
Del
What's to think about,
sweetheart? We can't
afford to have another
chavvie so I'm a modern
man making a positive
decision.
Raquel
But you've got to consider
the future. I mean, I don't
want to be the prophet of
doom, but what would
happen if say in ten years
time things didn't work
out between us and we
broke up. Then you met
someone else and wanted to
raise another family?
Del
Oh, don't be silly, sweet-
heart.
(Kisses her)
Ten years from now I won't
be able to raise a smile
let alone anything else!
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. INTERCUT WITH DEL AND
RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Following day. Rodney, in working clothes, is seated at
the table with a cup of tea and looking very down in
the mouth.
Rodney
(Calling into
kitchen)
I can remember when we set
off on the road to our
horizon! It was bloody
years ago! We had a labour
government, you could eat
beef. Des O'Connor was
white. And look at us now!
Del
(OS)
How can I put this, Rodney?
Shuddup!
Rodney sips his tea. He now becomes aware of something.
He turns and finds Damien's standing behind the
cocktail cabinet and staring, unsmiling at him.
Rodney flinches as a cold chill runs down his spine.
Rodney
Morning Damien.
Damien
I can make you turn your
hands over without touching
you.
Rodney
Yeah?
Damien
Hold your hands out.
Rodney holds his hands out as if hypnotized.
Damien
(Cont'd)
Turn them over.
Rodney turns his hands over. Damien smiles victoriously.
Damien
(Cont'd)
See!
Damien exits to the bedrooms area calling as he does
so.
Damien
(Cont'd)
Mummy. I made Uncle Rodney
turn his hands over.
Rodney sighs in relief. Del, dressed in suit but minus
shoes, enters from the kitchen.
Del
Alright, I grant you things
are a bit bleak at the
moment.
Rodney
That's like saying the
Antarctic's a bit nippy.
Del
Our fortune lies just
around the next corner. In
fact, I'd go so far as to
say, this time next year,
we'll be millionaires. I
mean, we're there where
the big opportunities
happen. We are in the very
forefront of the
enterprise-cultured.
Rodney
Enterprise cul... You're
so enterprising you bought
a load of horse-riding
crash helmets! Didn't you
stop to think for one
moment that Peckham is not
big show-jumping country?
Del
We'll sell 'em, don't
worry. I don't know what's
the matter with you. You
seemed to have stopped
believing. Mum said to me
on her deathbed...
Rodney
Oh no!
Del
She said, 'Del Boy, never
stop believing. Cos if you
stop believing you've
nothing left to hope for.'
Rodney
You've got to have a dream,
if you don't have a dream,
then how you gonna have a
dream come true?
Del
That's exactly what she
said Mum - she never
stopped believing - even
after you were born.
Rodney
Yeah, well that's all
very well, but when...
What's that supposed to
mean? 'Even after I was
born'?
Del
Don't get me wrong, it
weren't your fault and
none of us blamed you.
Rodney
What wasn't my fault?
Del
Well, you being a problem
child.
Rodney
I wasn't a problem child! I
was a good boy.
Del
Yes, but you did have a
problem - you kept getting
taller.
Rodney
What did you want me to do,
stay at two foot four the
rest of me life?
Del
See, most boys could wear
the same trousers for a
year and a half, but
after a couple of months
they'd look like Bermuda
shorts on you.
Rodney
Well most of the pictures
I've got of me as a
schoolboy I was wearing
short trousers anyway.
Del
No, Rodney, they might
have looked like short
trousers but they weren't
short trousers. If you
look very carefully at
the bottoms of the legs
you'll find that they are
all fraying. That's where
two months earlier they'd
been rubbing on your
shoes. Never stop
believing Rodders. Right,
I've gotta make a phone
call then we'll get
going.
Del exits to the bedrooms area.
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a cup of tea.
Rodney
This is difficult.
Albert
What's wrong?
Rodney
Well, I've got a bit of
good news and a bit of
bad news for Del... I'm
applying for another job.
Albert
Yeah? What's the bad news?
Rodney
That is the bad news! The
good news is I'll stay on
with Del until he finds
someone suitable to
replace me.
Albert
Well, that should take him
about half an hour.
Rodney
Yeah, you won't be saying
that when I'm the managing
director of something will
you?
Albert
You got something lined up
then?
Rodney produces the Peckham Echo.
Rodney
There's a job advertised in
the paper. Listen to this:
(Reading from
newspaper)
'Local company seeks
ambitious, energetic and
creative young person to
join its successful sales
force.' Well, who they
describing?
Albert
No, go on.
Rodney
It's me!
Albert
Is it?
Rodney
Yes!
(Reading on)
'Experience with computers
an advantage but not
essential. Successful
applicant will receive full
training, good salary and
company vehicle.' Well, I'm
experienced with
computers.
Albert
I know. But you've never
got one to work yet.
Rodney
Oh, shuddup!
Albert exits to his bedroom laughing.
INT. DAY. DEL'S AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Raquel is in dressing gown and putting clothes on hangers
and back in the wardrobe. Del is dressed, minus shoes,
and is talking on his new mobile phone.
Del
(On phone)
Yes... I'll call in this
afternoon and sign all the
forms. Yes, thank you.
Bonjour.
(Switches the
phone off)
Look at that, me new
digital phone, clear as a
bell.
Raquel
Was that the clinic you
were talking to?
Del
Yeah. I'm having it done
next Tuesday.
Raquel
You're serious about this,
aren't you?
Del
Oh yeah, never been more
serious.
Raquel
Look, Del, volunteering for
this vasectomy is very
brave and thoughtful of
you, and I'm flattered that
you're doing it for me. But
you don't have to do it.
Del
No, I think it's for the
best, sweetheart.
Raquel
But if you get - you know,
sore - I don't want you
coming back to me and
saying, 'It's all your
fault, Raquel!'
Del
As if I would do that!
Del is now putting his shoes on and is some distance
from his mobile phone. The mobile phone begins ringing.
Del
That's the first call on
me new phone. Answer it
darling, will you? And be
posh!
Raquel
What?
Del
Be posh.
Raquel
Yes, sir!
Raquel is now on the phone with a very exaggerated posh
voice.
Raquel
Hello, how may I help you?
Raquel smiles at Del.
We now intercut with lounge.
Rodney
(On the BT
phone)
Oh hello I'm phoning about
the job advertised in the
Peckham Echo.
Cut to bedroom.
Raquel reacts as if she recognises Rodney's voice.
Raquel
(Very posh)
Hold the line, caller.
(To Del)
Have you put an ad in the
Peckham Echo?
Del
Yeah, help for Rodney.
Who's that?
Raquel
Rodney.
Del
Rodney? What's he phoning
me for? He's only in the
bloody living room.
Raquel
No, he's applying for the
job.
Del
What? He's applying to
assist himself!
(Smiles)
I gotta think about this.
Press hold, it plays music.
Raquel
(On phone)
I'll put you on hold whilst
I connect you with our
marketing department.
Cut to living room.
Rodney
(On phone)
Thank you.
From Rodney's phone we hear a click and then "Old Shep"
begins playing.
Rodney looks at the phone and thinks, 'Old Shep'? It is
a strong clue, but he doesn't get it.
Cut to bedroom.
Del
Treacherous little git! I'm
gonna wind him right up.
Raquel
No, Del, don't. He'll feel
embarrassed.
Del
With any luck.
Del takes the phone. Now on the phone with a strong
Welsh accent.
Del
'Allo, this is the Market-
ing Manager, sorry to have
kept you, My name is Ivor
Hardy...
Rodney
(On phone)
Oh hello Mr Hardy.
Del
(On phone)
And you are?
Rodney
(On phone)
My name's Rodney Trotter.
Del
(On phone)
Trotter you say? You're not
related to the Trotter
brothers, are you?
Rodney
(On phone)
No, I've never heard of
them.
Del
(On phone)
Oh well, you're lucky. I've
heard rumours about them.
Right couple of scallywags
so I hear! Well, mind you
the elder one's OK. A very
good businessman and
intelligent with it, so I'm
told. It's his dippy
younger brother who's the
problem.
Rodney
(On phone)
Oh really? Like I say I've
never heard of them. So,
you mention a good salary
and a company vehicle -
could you tell me a little
more about that,
please?... Mmmh... Yes, I
can ride a bike.
Del, with phone concealed in his pocket, enters from
bedrooms area.
Del
Alright, Rodders?
Rodney
(On phone)
Just one moment please.
Yeah. T'riffic.
Del
(Scanning the
room)
I wanna make a call.
Where's the phone?
Rodney
Erm - I'm using it, talking
with Cassandra.
Del
She alright is she?
Rodney
Yeah, great.
Del
Give her my love.
Rodney
Will do.
Del
And give her yours as well.
Rodney
Eh?
Del
In my Modern Man book it
says it's very important to
tell the lady in your life
that you love her,
especially when she's
pregnant. Go on, tell her.
Rodney
What? No, I feel embarrassed.
Del
There's only you and me
here and I suggested it. Go
on, tell her.
Rodney
Later.
Del
No, go on, tell her.
Rodney
(Quietly)
God!
(On phone. Very
quickly so it's
almost indiscernible)
I love you.
Del, about to enter kitchen, produces his phone and cups
his hands round the mouthpiece.
Del
(On phone)
Sorry, what was that?
Rodney
(On phone)
Nothing. I coughed.
Del
(On phone)
Oh, for a moment I thought
you said you loved me.
Rodney
(On phone)
No, I just coughed. So
what exactly do you sell
and what would be the
successful applicants
duties?
Now Del enters from the kitchen. Rodney has his back to
Del. Del slowly moves forward until, for the final
lines, he is standing next to Rodney.
Del
(On phone as
Hardy)
Well we buy and sell any-
thing we can lay our hands
on, isn't it? And you will
be expected to go down the
market and sell the old
crap from a suitcase. You
could be just the man for
the job, Mr Trotter. We're
always on the lookout
for...
(Now adopting
his own
voice)
Devious little plonkers
like you!
Rodney looks at Del - now down at Del's phone. He now
just looks at his own phone.
Rodney
(On phone)
Did you put that ad in the
paper, Derek?
Del
(On phone)
Yes I did, Rodney!
Rodney hangs up.
Rodney
I don't believe it! The job
in the paper I really
fancied and it was mine! So
what's going on then? Were
you gonna find someone else
and then get rid of me?
Del
No, Rodney. You were trying
to get rid of me! I was
looking for someone to help
you, in case you have to
get away quickly because of
Cassandra. I was just
tryin' to help you, Rodney,
that's all.
Rodney is touched by Del's thoughtfulness.
Rodney
I didn't realise. Thanks,
Del - and I'm sorry.
Del
So what's all this new job
lark?
Rodney
It really hit home the
other day. When the baby's
born we gotta fill in the
birth certificate. There's
a section on there that
says: 'Father's
Occupation'. And I
thought, what do I put? A
gofer!
Del
No. You put 'Sales
Director.' I'm going to
expand, Rodney. From now
on, Rodders, you are in
charge of sales and I'm
in charge of purchasing.
You'll be in the
marketplace, you'll be
selling. I'll be up
there in the factories
and the warehouses
buying it. If one line
is selling particularly
well, you get on the
blower to me and say,
buy more of them Del.
Rodney
Yes! We should have done
this ages ago.
Del
Expansion.
Rodney follows Del into the kitchen.
Rodney
And streamline the business.
Del
Yes. We'll expand by
streamlining! So, what
d'you say?
Rodney
I assume I'll receive in
increase in salary
commensurable with my extra
responsibility and
workload?
Del
Yes. Say fifteen per cent.
Rodney
But you don't pay me
regularly now.
Del
Well, I'll have to owe you
more... Rodders, I feel as
if we have just taken the
first step on the road to
our horizon.
Rodney
Yeah, me too.
Del
Come on. Let's go down
Sid's caff. Historic
moments always make me
fancy a bacon roll.
INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. LOCATION.
Rodney is seated at the table eating a bun. Del is
sitting opposite finishing a fry-up. Del sees something
at the cafe window and panics.
Del
Quick Rodney! Get down!
Del and Rodney hide beneath the table.
Rodney
What's happening?
Del
It's that Doctor Singh!
We see a tall, well-built Sikh man looking through the
cafe window. Satisfied that Del is not there, he
leaves.
Rodney and Del clamber out from beneath the table and
sit back in their seats.
Del
That was a close one.
Rodney
He's gonna catch us event-
ually.
Del
Yeah, well we'll cross that
bridge when we come to
it... Rodney, I've been
thinking.
Rodney
What about?
Del
A vasectomy.
Rodney chokes on his bun. Del pats him on the back.
Del
Gone down the wrong hole
has it?
Rodney
Yeah. A vasectomy??
Del
Keep the noise down!
Rodney
How does Raquel feel about
it?
Del
No, I'm gonna have it done!
Rodney
I know that! Bloody hell! I
meant, have you discussed
it with Raquel?
Del
Yeah, last night I said to
her 'Sweetheart, I'm gonna
have a vasectomy.'
Rodney
So it was quite an in-
depth discussion?
Del
You can't make these
decisions lightly.
Rodney
And what was her reaction?
Del
Well, she was quiet for a
while - then she started
laughing again. See, we
can't really afford
another nipper and we
ain't got room in the flat
anyway. And I don't think
Raquel fancies having
another baby, not after
Damien.
Rodney
Can't blame her.
Del
How d'you mean?
Rodney
Well, it was a long labour,
weren't it? She had a bad
time.
Del
That's right. So in the end
we both agreed it was for
the best. And what do we
want with another baby?
We've got Damien and he's
like two kids rolled into
one, ain't he?
Rodney
At least... Del, there are
other ways of not having a
child. Couldn't you, you
know, wear something in
bed?
Del
Wear something - I've got
me new pyjamas - Oh
gotchyer! No, too risky!
Rodney
What about a cap?
Del
A cap?
Rodney
I don't mean go to bed in
a beret. I mean a medical
sort of thing.
Del
No, don't fancy that.
Lennie Norris's missus
used one of those and she
still fell for a kid. You
know him, that boy down
the market with the flat
head. See, me and Raquel
have only gotta look at
each other and she's
three months gone. I must
be full of hormones.
Rodney
I'm full of hormones as
well! You can't get any
more hormones into me.
Doctor said.
Del
Yeah, but I think I must
have loads of, you
know... tadpoles.
Rodney
Tadpoles?
Del
Those things you see on
the telly under the
microscope.
Rodney
I've got loads of them as
well!
Del
Yeah, but I must have more
tadpoles than the
Serpentine!
Rodney
Funny innit? I'm just
starting off and you're
putting a stop to it.
Del
Yeah, it's a funny old
world.
Rodney
You gonna have it done at
the hospital?
Del
Well, I ain't letting
Trigger do it with his
Black and Decker, am I?
Rodney
I mean, are you going to
the hospital or the local
clinic?
Del
The clinic. I want your
advice. Before I have it
you know - done.
Rodney
Yeah?
Del
Well, a lot of these rich
and successful go to one of
these bans and leave their
- tadpoles.
Rodney
Do they?
Del
Yeah, I read it in my book.
D'you think I should do
that?
Rodney
You could. I don't know how
Nat West'll feel about it.
Del
No, special banks that
freeze things. Then, when
I'm rich and famous, future
generations will be able to
use it. There could be lots
of little Damien’s every-
where.
Rodney
No! What I mean is, it
could upset Raquel.
Psychologically, she might
think you were being
unfaithful. You know how a
woman's mind works.
Del
I never thought of that.
Well done, bruv. Come on,
onwards and upwards.
Rodney, don't tell anyone
about this, will you?
Rodney
Of course not.
They move towards the door.
Del
(Cheerfully)
Thank you very much, Sid,
that was horrible as
usual.
Sid
(Equally cheerful)
All the best, Del.
Del exits. Rodney is about to exit.
Rodney
Sid. Del's having a
vasectomy.
Sid
A vasectomy?
(To the other
diners)
Del Boy's having a
vasectomy.
Rodney exits leaving the entire cafe discussing Del's
vasectomy.
INT. DAY. SURGICAL THEATRE. DREAM SEQUENCE.
A frightened Del is laid on a surgical bed. He is wear-
ing a surgical gown which is done up down to the thighs.
We see his large legs. A white-coated middle-aged nurse
is exiting the room.
Nurse
The doctor will be with you
in a moment.
Del
Thank you, nurse.
Del looks at the instruments tray. He sees a scalpel
which twinkles with razor-sharpness. The door opens
and Doctor Singh enters. He smiles at Del.
Dr Singh
Mr Trotter.
Del
(Terrified)
Doctor Singh. Em, about
that paint I sold you for
your surgery.
Dr Singh
Oh, let's not worry about
that, I have work to do.
He picks up the scalpel.
Dr Singh
(Cont'd)
Not nervous are you?
Del
Just a tad you know. It's
my first time.
Dr Singh
(Laughing almost
evilly)
Mine too!
Del visibly gulps. Dr Singh pulls Del's gown open in a
brusque manner.
Del flinches.
Dr Singh
(Apparently examining
vitals)
Mmh mmh... Mmmh... You're
a big man, Mr Trotter.
Del
Oh, thank you doctor.
Dr Singh pats Del's stomach.
Dr Singh
You should go on a diet.
(Laughs)
I always say that, just to
relax the patient.
Del
Yeah, I've got to remember
that one ext time I've got
some bloke's vitals in me
hand.
Dr Singh
I'll give you a small
injection just to numb the
area.
Del
Oh thank you.
The Doctor now produces a large hypodermic syringe with
a long needle.
He approaches Del.
Dr Singh
This might sting a bit.
Del opens his mouth to cry out in fear.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Del is in bed asleep. He wakes from his nightmare and
cries out.
Del
Aaarghhh!
Raquel
What's wrong?
Del
Eh? Oh, nothing! Bad dream.
Can't remember what it was
about now. This, em, this
vasectomy idea. What d'you
really think about it?
Raquel
I don't mind, honest.
Del
Alright, Raquel, you win! I
won't have it done.
EXT. DAY. NELSON ANDELA HOUSE.
The three-wheeled van pulls up and Del and Rodney alight.
Del opens the back of the van and takes his suitcase out.
Rodney
So what finally put you off
the vasectomy then? Didn’t
have the balls?
Rodney laughs.
Del
No, I wasn't frightened! It
was a medical reason. See,
I kept thinking about the
tadpoles.
Rodney
What about 'em?
Del
Well... where do they go?
Rodney
How d'you mean?
Del
Well when you have the
operation it stops 'em
going, well, their normal
route so where do they go?
Rodney
Were you worried about 'em
hanging round on street
corners?
Del
All I'm saying is they've
gotta go somewhere. It got
to such a point I thought
I'd be frightened to
sneeze.
Now Doctor Singh appears as if from nowhere.
Dr Singh
Aah! Caught you at last, Mr
Trotter.
Del
Doctor Singh, how nice to
see you again.
Dr Singh
Have you seen my surgery
lately? This paint you sold
me is peeling off in great
chunks. It's a medical
practice, Mr Trotter, and
it looks as if my walls
have got scabies! Patients
are leaving me.
Del
Yes. The thing is, Dr
Singh, we didn't realise
until some time after that
the paint was ever so
slightly out of date, did
we, Rodney?
Rodney
No. We spotted a tin and
noticed it said: 'Use by
June 1983'.
Dr Singh
Well I want something done
about it and fast!
Del
Yes of course, Doctor
Singh. I'll have a member
of my painting and
decorating department call
on you tomorrow.
Dr Singh
If you don't Mr Trotter...
Doctor Singh points a threatening finger at Del.
Dr Singh
(Cont'd)
I'll be back!
Doctor Singh moves away towards a small pop-pop motor
bike.
Del
Yes, thank you, Doctor
Singh. Missing you
already... 'I'll be back'!
He always says that. Did
you know that's why
they've nicknamed him the
Turbanator? The
Turban-ator. Geddit?
Rodney
I don't believe you some-
times! Doctor Singh is an
honest and law-abiding
man. You new that paint
was iffy.
Del
How was I supposed to know?
What am I, some sort of
pain expert?
We see Doctor Singh driving off on his small motorbike.
Del
(Cont'd)
Don't give me all that
rubbish about him being a
law-abiding man! Look,
riding that bike without
wearing a crash helmet.
Rodney
He's a Sikh! Under the law
Sikhs are excused crashed
hats! I mean, how's he
gonna get a helmet over
that turban?
Del
Yeah, I didn't think of
that. I suppose that's why
you never see a Sikh
astronaut.
Rodney
(Sighs)
More than likely, Del.
Rodney enters the flats. Del watches Mr Singh driving
away.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Wall clock stands at 5.30. Albert is reading a news-
paper.
We hear Rodney's and Del's raised voices from the open
door to the bedrooms area.
Rodney
(OS)
I am not wearing it, OK?
It's half past five and
that's my going home time!
Del
(OS)
Rodney, opportunities don't
stop presenting themselves
just 'cos Cassandra's put
the sprouts on! At least
see how it looks so we can
get an overview.
Rodney
(OS)
This is bloody stupid, Del
and I'm not doing it!
Del
(OS)
Since when has a safety-
device been stupid? This
little invention of mine
could help prevent serious
injury. I mean just
imagine, there are
millions of Sikhs all over
the world driving motor
cycles who are completely
unprotected.
Rodney enters from the bedrooms area. He is wearing his
normal clothes but strapped to his head is one of Del's
horse-riding protective helmets with a turban wrapped
round it.
Del opens his arms expansively as if to say: look how
wonderful Rodney looks. Albert looks at Rodney, shakes
his ead sadly, and returns to his paper.
Del
And the answer to their
problems in y new company -
TCT!
Albert
TCT?
Del
Trotters Crash Turbans.
This is our opportunity to
do something for our fellow
man.'
Rodney
It's also an opportunity
for you to get rid of them
horse-riding crash-hats you
got lumbered with.
Del
Hang about, this is a
stereototype, Rodney.
Rodney
It's not even a prototype!
It's a show-jumping helmet
with one of Raquel's old
scarfs glued on top!
Del
Exactly! That's because
Raquel is one hundred per
cent behind this project!
She said, 'Take whatever
you need Del, I wanna do my
bit for mankind'.
Rodney sees himself in the mirror.
Rodney
Look! Look! I mean... Look!
Del
I think you look rather
dashing.
Rodney
I look like a human-
cannonball who's crashed
into someone's washing line.
Del
God, I hate vanity! Rodney,
think of this in humanit-
arian terms. Every time a
Sikh bloke gets on a
motorbike, like our friend
Mr Singh, he is taking his
life in his hands. That's
why you never see gangs of
Sikh Hell's Angels. But
once these come on the
market they'll all be
dashing around like Barry
Sheen. As soon as you've
taken this over to
Southall and Wembley and
shown the Sikh community
in all its glory...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Take it over and show 'em?
Del
They will be buying these
by the thousand. Then
we'll be selling through-
out Asia and America and
Australia.
Rodney
You expect me to go over
and sell it?
Del
You are my new director of
sales aren't you?
Rodney
They'll smash my head in!
Del
Of course they won't,
they're peaceful loving
people. Anyway even if they
do, you'll be wearing a
Trotter Crash Turban! A
perfect opportunity to
prove how effective it is!
You know it makes sense.
Rodney
All I know is I am not
stepping outside this door
dressed like this!
Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying cutlery and
dinner things which she takes to the table.
Raquel shows no reaction to Rodney's condition.
Raquel
Alright, Rodney.
Rodney
Hiya, Raquel.
Albert
During the war.
Del
Will you shut up? Can't
you see that Rodney and I
are in the middle of a
very important board
meeting and we are not
interested in U-Boats or
giant squids!
Albert
I was just gonna say that
during the war I spent some
time in India and I got to
know a little about the
Sikh religion. And what I
discovered was; to a Sikh
the turban has supposed to
enter the body. In other
words it has to be in
contact with the head.
Rodney
Yeah, see this thing
doesn't touch the head 'cos
there's a bloody horse
riding helmet in between!
Del
Alright, I'll stick a bit
underneath so it is
touching the head! I
haven't finished the
design yet! What d'you
think of it, Raquel?
Raquel
I can't see it catching on,
Del. I mean, what would
you wear with it?
Raquel laughs. She now spots something.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
Is that my scarf?
Del
I'll get you another one,
don't worry.
Raquel
You've got a nerve, Trotter!
Del
Look at it again, Raquel
and realise this is not a
fashion statement.
Raquel
I guessed that, Derek. I
guessed that!
Del
It's a safety device.
Rodney
Del, people'd rather be
critically injured than wear
this!
The phone rings and Albert moves to answer it.
Del
Answer that will you? You
take my word for it.
Three months from now
you'll see that thing on
Tomorrow's World.
Raquel
More like Wayne's World.
Rodney
I am not going on
Tomorrow's World looking
like this.
Albert
Rodney, it's Cassandra's
bank for you.
Rodney
Oh Gawd, I suppose she's
got another late meeting.
(On phone)
Hello... When?
Del
People laughed when they
invented air bags.
Raquel
No they didn’t, it was a
good invention.
Del
Alright, tell me one
invention that was
laughed at when it was
first seen.
Raquel
(Points to
Rodney's head)
That!
Rodney
(On phone)
Yeah, I'm on my way, thank
you.
Rodney replaces the receiver.
Del
What's up, Rodders?
Rodney is too shocked for tears and emotions.
Rodney
They rushed Cassandra to
hospital. She's had a
miscarriage.
Del, Raquel and Albert just stare blankly at this news.
INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL/A&E WAITING AREA.
It should look over-crowded, under staffed and under-
funded.
In the background people are queuing to register at the
admin' counter. Nurses and doctors are rushing to and
fro.
Hospital staff are carrying more seriously ill patients
on stretchers.
There are parents with crying children and babies, some-
one with their arm in a make-shift sling, someone in a
track-suit, their broken ankle heavily bandaged, someone
with blood over their eyes and nose where they have
taken a fall or beaten up and elderly couples,
frightened and just waiting patiently.
Walking around and through the seated patients is a
young man who is generally being a pain in the arse to
everyone. He is six feet tall and well built. He wears
scruffy jeans and an equally scruffy T-shirt. He is
unshaven and you would guess, in his private life, is a
drunkard and a bully. He is used to shouting and
frightening people and therefore getting his own way.
He's the kind of guy you would love to see someone beat
up.
Man
(Shouting at the
passing staff)
Are you lot having a laugh
with me or something? I've
been here nearly twenty
minutes already and the
only person in this poxy
hospital who's spoken to
me is that old cow.
The man indicates the registration clerk.
Receptionist
I'm sorry sir, but we're
very busy, we'll attend to
you as soon as we can.
Now, if you'd like to take
a seat.
Man
I'll tell you what I'd
like to do darling. I'd
like to take a seat and
chuck it through that
bleedin' window.
During this Del and Rodney have entered through the main
doors. Rodney is in a state of shock and fear.
Del
Take it easy, Rodney,
everything's gonna be
alright.
Del approaches a sister.
Del
Excuse me, nurse. D'you
know which ward Mrs Trotter
is in?
Sister
Are you Mr Trotter?
Del
Yes, I am.
Sister
This way.
Del
Come on, Rodders.
INT. NIGHT. HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
The sister, followed by Del, who is followed by Rodney,
move down the corridor until they come to a gown room.
The sister produces a theatre gown and hat.
Sister
(To Del)
Put these on. It's just a
precaution.
Del puts gown, etc, on.
Rodney is just standing in the background like a spare
one. The sister indicates down the corridor.
Sister
(Cont'd)
Mrs Trotter is in a single
room, number 46, on the
right. Please remember she
is, naturally, and very
upset and we don't want
her being excited in any
way.
Del
Thanks.
Del moves off.
Rodney
Can I put one of them on?
For the first time the Sister is aware of Rodney.
Sister
Who are you?
Rodney
I'm her husband.
Sister
(Referring to the
fast disappearing
Del)
Who the hell's that then?
Rodney
That's my bruvver.
INT. NIGHT. OUTSIDE ROOM 46.
Del arrives at room 46. He pauses at the door as he
awaits Rodney's arrival. Rodney, with gown on and just
placing hat on head, arrives.
Rodney looks at the door with trepidation.
Rodney
What the bloody hell am I
supposed to say to her?
Del
You'll say something,
Rodney. Don't worry,
it'll just come. Now
listen to me, Rodney, at
this pacific moment in
time, Cassandra she don't
need doom and gloom. She
needs you to be
optimistic.
Rodney
Oh yeah, I feel optimist-
ic, right now don't I?
Del
It doesn't matter how you
feel, Rodney you have got
to...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
It doesn't matter how I
feel?
Del
No. You do your crying in
the van on our way home!
Right now you've got to
be her rock. Talk about
the future, not the past
or the present, just the
future. Because you two,
you two have got so many
good times to come. Things
are gonna get better and
better.
Rodney
Ain't it strange how I
find that hard to believe
right now?
Del
Well you believe it 'cos
it's true. Right now she
needs your strength. So
no booing or sobbing,
just be comforting and
understanding. It's time
to be a man, Rodney. A
real man. Right?
Rodney
Right.
Del
OK. Good boy.
Del opens the door.
INT. NIGHT. SINGLE WARD/ROOM 46.
Cassandra is seated in the bed propped up by pillows.
She is just staring blankly at the wall in front of her.
The door opens and Rodney and Del enter.
Rodney smiles to her.
Rodney
The bank phoned and told
me.
Cassandra smiles back to him and then breaks down.
Cassandra
(Tearfully, almost
like a child)
I'm sorry, Rodney!
Del breaks down crying. After his big corridor speech,
Rodney allows himself a glance at the sobbing Del. He
now moves to Cassandra.
Rodney
What are you saying sorry
for? Don't be silly.
Cassandra
I let you down! I let
everyone down!
Rodney
Of course you didn't! It
happens, Cass, it just
happens. There was nothing
you or I could do.
Del
You didn't let anyone down
sweetheart. And don't
blame yourself. You tell
her, Rodney. This time
next year - go on, tell
her.
Rodney
Yeah I will.
(Joining Del)
Look, I think maybe this'd
be a good time for us to
be on our own to discuss a
few things.
Del
Yeah, I think you're right,
bruv. Cassandra, me and
Rodney are gonna pop
outside for a little chat.
Rodney
No, I meant me and
Cassandra should be on our
own.
Del
Of course! Yes, right!
(To Cassandra)
I'll see you later,
Cassandra. And...
Del doesn't know what to say.
Del
(Cont'd)
You know I'll wait for you
outside, Rodders.
Del exits and closes the door. Rodney sits by the bed
and takes Cassandra's hand.
Cassandra looks into his eyes but cannot find any
words.
Cassandra
(Crying)
I lost our baby.
Rodney
I know. I can't leave you
alone with anything, can I?
Rodney smiles at her.
Cassandra smiles back through her tears. They hug each
other.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
We're gonna get over this,
Cass, and we're gonna win.
And d'you know why? It's
because we are strong -
very strong. Things are
gonna get better and
better and better for us.
Or as Del would say,
betterer.
Cassandra
(Smiling)
I love you, Rodney.
Rodney
And I love you, Cass. I
love you so much.
INT. NIGHT. A&E WAITING ROOM.
The scruffy bully boy is still walking round and
complaining loudly.
We now see Mike talking to a doctor. He has a bandage on
his forehead.
Mike
It sort of burnt me right
across the forehead here.
He produces Del's hair dryer.
Mike
(Cont'd)
See, the bloke what sold it
to me said it was a hair-
dryer, it turns out to be
an electric paint-stripper.
Doctor
Come with me, Mr Fisher.
The Doctor and Mike move off.
Man
Why's he getting seen before
me?
Del, in gown and cap, enters.
Man
(Cont'd)
I don't know why people
bother paying their
national health stamps. If
I'd ever had a job I
wouldn't have paid for
'em.
Receptionist
Will you please keep your
voice down?
Man
No. It's a free country
and I'll shout as much as
I want! Well, like you're
looking after all these
bloody malingerers - I
should be top of your
list.
We see Del eyeing the man. There is a vengeful look on
Del's face.
Man
(Cont'd)
I took some pills earlier,
no I've no idea what they
are 'cos I was drunk, but
they're starting to upset
me! You nurses are always
whinging about getting poor
wages. You don't deserve
anything better 'cos do you
hear that, you're all
sodding useless.
Del approaches.
Del
Excuse me, sir.
The man turns.
Man
What?
Del now chins him with a crisp right-hander. The man is
catapulted backwards by the force of the blow. The back
of his legs hit a low table and he somersaults on his
back. He ends up sprawled on the floor with his head
resting up against a wall. Del approaches.
Del
Feeling any better?
The man is glassy-eyed and frightened.
Man
Yes, thank you, doctor.
Del
All part of the service.
Bonjour.
As Del passes an elderly couple who have witnessed the
incident in wide-eyed surprise.
Del
(Cont'd)
I bet you wish you'd gone
private, don't you?
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.