Only Fools And Horses

Heroes And Villains

EXT. NIGHT.STREET. LONDON-THE NIGHTMARE. It is a disturbing and desolate scene of poverty, neglect and suffering. Toxic steam from the poisoned sewers wafts up from the drains. Litter blows down the darkened street and past starving people who lay on the pavements wrapped in rags. A digital wall-clock juts out above a darkened jewellers shop. It tells us this is: '2nd November. 2026'. A tall, white-haired, man in his mid-sixties walks along the pavement with the help of a stick. He has his back to camera. He is smartly dressed but in a futuristic fashion. The starving throng hold its hands out to him. Without breaking step he distributes a few coins amongst them. We now see the man from the front and realise it is Rodney but now aged 64. He pauses and looks around at his world. On a corner we see a couple of futuristic policemen who wear black SWAT type uniforms and are armed with metal batons, sub-machine guns and military style metal helmets upon which is printed 'state police'. A large advertising billboard depicts a futuristic Concorde type jumbo-jet with a tail logo which reads; 'Trotter Air.' The legend beneath informs us: 'Trotter Air gets you there.' Another advertising sign shows a smiling and happy thirteen year old girl seated at a table upon which is what appears to be a plate of golden fish fingers. The teenager is holding a fork upon which is what seems to be half a fish finger. But instead of the instead of the inside of the finger being white and fresh it is a brown, gooey substance. The legend teels us this is: 'Trotter's meat fingers - guaranteed to contain no natural ingredients'. Another advertising sign depicts two young lovers looking romantically into each other's eyes. To one side of their faces is a cardboard packet (like a pack of Durex.) The legend tells us this is: 'Trotterex. Family Planning - Go Equipped'. Old Rodney now looks up to the sky. From his POV we see the top of a massive skyscraper. A brilliantly lit sign on top of building tells us this is: 'Trotter Tower'. The skyscraper is very futuristic and is covered in gold and silver cladding which sparkles in the moonlight. We pan down the skyscraper to the large main doors at ground level. A sign above main doors reads: 'Trotters Independent Traders Company (TITco Global PLC)'. Rodney studies the signs and adverts in that manner of his which suggests that everything in life still stuns him. Old Rodney enters the building. INT. NIGHT. TOP FLOOR OFFICE SUITE. We are in a futuristic foyer with various office doors leading off. The 'TITco' logo is everywhere. On the wall we find two large portraits in gold frames. The first portrait is of Damien, now aged 35. A gold nameplate in frame reads: 'Sir Damien Trotter'. The second portrait is of Del, now aged 78. A gold name-plate in frame reads; 'Lord Trotter of Peckham'. From the floor to ceiling windows we have a panor- amic view of London. Outside we see a helicopter- type machine approaching the tower before drifting up and out of sight as it prepares to land on roof. It has no rotor blades and makes the sound of a jet. On its side is the 'TITco' logo. A puff of smoke drifts up and across lens. We pull back to find Del, now aged 78, and still smoking a big cigar. Del is dressed in the finest of futuristic clothes. Del Our jetcopter has arrived, Raquel. I'll ring for the maid. Del presses a wall button. We find Raquel, now aged 67 and also draped in the finest of clothes, seated in a chair and sipping champagne. Raquel I'll say bye-bye to Damien first, darling. How long's he going to be in there? Del You can't rush him, sweet- heart, he's putting a very important deal together. He's talking to President Reeves in Washington. Raquel (Impressed) President Reeves! Really? The lift door opens and Rodney alights. Del There you are Rodney, where you been? Damien phoned you over an hour ago. Rodney I know, but the state transportation workers have gone on strike. Raquel On strike? I thought Damien had made strikes illegal. Rodney Yes, the police were shooting them as I left. Damien said he wanted to see me urgently. Del Come on. I'll take you through. Del leads Rodney towards the office door. Raquel follows. INT. NIGHT. ULTRA-FUTURISTIC OFFICE. As Lord Derek, Lady Raquel and Rodney enter office we find Damien, now 35, black hair, piercing brown eyes and dressed in the finest clothes, is talking on a futuristic phone. Damien (On phone) Listen to me, Keanu. You just sit there is the White House all day twiddling your thumbs and just playing at leadership! People are beginning to see through you. I mean, you still allow that old- fashioned system to operate - what was it called ... democracy! I got rid of it in Europe years ago. See Rodney's reaction. Del and Raquel are beaming proudly. Del What a boy eh? What a boy. Damien What's wrong with going to war with China? War is good! Well, of course, millions will be killed. A war without death is like a salad without water- cress! You worry too much ... I've got a busy night so make the declaration tomorrow. Slams phone down. Sound: From outside we hear the sound of a short burst of machine gun fire. Damien looks from his window and down into the street below. Damien (Cont'd) Last time she jumps a red light. Damien now becomes aware of Rodney's presence. He smiles at Rodney and stares with deep piercing eyes. Damien (Cont'd) Uncle Rodney. We hear a brief two-bar piece of the Damien theme. Rodney Damien. Damien (Hands Rodney a piece of paper) Take this round to the Chinese embassy. It's your visa application. I want you in Beijing for the war - you report back to me. Rodney War! I don't wanna go to war! Raquel What's wrong with you, Rodney?! Rodney I don't wanna go to war! Del Rodney, it's for the company. Damien War is good! Del You know it makes sense. Rodney It doesn't make sense! Raquel What would your Uncle Albert say? Rodney (Becoming increas- ingly confused) I don't know! Del Let's find out. Del presses a button. A large wall panel slides away to reveal a large glass case. Inside the case is a 100 year old Albert. His beard is longer than ever and he is connected to wires and cables and intravenous tubes. He doesn't move, he just stares ahead blankly. Rodney stares at this vision in horror. Without Albert's lips moving we hear a loop - tape begin. Albert (On tape) During the war - During the war - During the war... The "during the war" continues throughout. Cassandra, now aged 55 enters dressed in a maid's costume. Cassandra (To Del) You rang, your Lordship? Del Yes, fetch our coats, dear, we're going out. Rodney (Horrified) Cassandra! What are you doing here? Cassandra Damien took over my bank and fired me. I'm the maid. Del (Shrugs) It's a job, Rodney. Rodney (Now becoming emotionally excited) No, this isn't fair! Del (Trying to calm him) Rodney! Rodney It's not right, you shouldn't be doing this! Del Rodney! Rodney Everything was nice and now you've messed it all up! Del Rodney! Del and Rodney's voices begin to echo. We see Del's face as the picture slowly goes out of focus and into mist. Rodney (Echo) I wanna go back to how it used to be! Del (Echo) Rodney... Rodney! Now slowly we come back to today and Del's face. He is wearing his market cap and market clothes and is talking straight into camera. Del (Cont'd) Rodney! Rodney! Rodney! We now dissolve through to: INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. Rodney is seated on one of the latest 'armchairs' and is slowly coming out of his nightmare. Del Rodney! Rodney, Rodney! Wake up you dipstick! Rodney (Half-asleep) Why couldn't you have left things alone! Del? Looks around room. Rodney (Cont'd) Oh God, it was a dream. Del What's the matter with you? You been on that Rastafarian Old Holborn again? Rodney No, no, I just drifted off there for a while. Oh man, I had the wildest dream! Del What was it all about? Aah! Was it all sunny and little birdies going tweet tweet tweet? Rodney Alright, sorry! So what's happening? Del (As he opens and reads and official-looking letter) What's happening? I'll tell you what's happening. Rodders, we have bought a hundred and twenty five Latvian radio alarm clocks that go off anytime they bloody want. We've got two hundred aerodynamic cycling helmets that turn out to be horse-riding crash helmets that some git sprayed red. We've got a box of baseball caps that even E17 fans won't buy, there's a gang of hoodlums mugging anyone who dares to put their head outside the front door... (Waves letter) And the council have turned down my application for a home-improvement grant! Other than that - all is well. Del moves to door to bedrooms area. Rodney closes his eyes in luxurious security. Rodney Thank God! Everythingís normal. Del (Calls) Raquel, there's a letter here for you. What's all this falling akip at ten to eight in the morning? Don't you sleep at home? Rodney You know my situation! Checks no-one else in the flat can hear. Rodney (Cont'd) It's Cassandra and this baby thing, innit? The hospital's worked out another schedule for us. I'm at it like a rattlesnake! It's horrible. Del But that was always your ambition! Rodney Yes, but some people dream of singing La Traviata at the Royal Opera House, but they don't wanna sing it three bloody times a night. Del Make your throat sore, wouldn't it? Rodney Yes. They've put her on a special diet an all that. The gynecologist reckons it's just a matter of time - but Cass keeps getting broody... I got her a rabbit. Del A rabbit... What, that's in her diet? Rodney No, a pet rabbit! Something she can make a fuss over. I know it was a stupid idea. I wish I hadn't bothered now... Del So the hospital's done all the tests and everything? Rodney Yes. Look, this is personal. I don't want this being broadcast! Del Who's gonna listen? You've had her tubes looked at? Rodney Yes! God! Everything's fine but we just can't crack the case... Every day I'm taking specimens to the clinic and God knows what else. It's all to do with ovumís and... things. The hospital keep showing me films of inside the human body. Cor, it don't half put you off, Del. Del I can imagine. Gimme Debbie Does Dallas any day. Right, we'll have a spot of breakfast and then get down the market. You wanna boiled egg? Del exits to the kitchen. Rodney follows. Rodney (Sharply) No! Del Alright, alright. Rodney Del, d'you mind if I ask a favour? Could I have this afternoon off? Del Why? She ain't booked you in for another seeing to, has she? Rodney No! It's erm...It's my birthday today. Del Is it your birthday? Blimey, it's your birthday! I completely forgot! Well, in that case Rodney, the answer's no. D'you think Richard Branson would have the afternoon off? Rodney Doubt it, he don't even know it's my birthday. Del I mean, would he have the afternoon off for his own birthday? Of course he wouldn't. He's out there in the financial fast lane - no time for jollying it up 'cos it's his birthday. Rodney (Disappointed) Alright then. Del lets him suffer - now a big grin. Del Course you can have this afternoon off. You can go home now if you want. Rodney No, this afternoon'll do. Cass has got a half day and we're gonna go shopping. Del hands Rodney three birthday cards. Del I didn't forget, did I? There's your cards, birthday boy. Rodney Cheers, Del. Rodney looks at one card. Del That's from Damien. Rodney's hands shake. Rodney Oh... Bless him. Del hands Rodney a small wrapped present. Del And that's from me and Raquel. Rodney unwraps the present which reveals a small jewellery box. He opens the box and produces a chunky, gold identity bracelet. He stares at it. It is the worst present he could imagine. Del It's a chunky, gold identity bracelet. Rodney Yeah, I can see that. Del It's just like mine Rodney, look at that - 24 carat that is Rodney, no old rubbish. See, it's got your name on it. Rodney studies the engraving. Rodney 'Rooney'? Del No, that's Rodney. Rodney But it says 'Rooney'. There's an 'O' where the 'D' should be. Del No, that is a D. It's that copperplate lettering. So, what do you think? Rodney You shouldn't have. Rodney goes to put the bracelet in his pocket. Del Well, put it on then. Rodney Eh? Right. Thanks Del. Rodney slips the bracelet on. Del Oi! Don't you go getting all emotional on me. Rodney Alright then. Del exits to the kitchen. Raquel, in dressing gown, enters from the bedroom area. Raquel Morning, Rodney. Rodney Hiya, Raquel. Raquel (Pointing to bracelet) What's that? Rodney It's a chunky gold ID bracelet. Raquel (Studying it) 'Rooney'? Rodney No, that's 'Rodney'. Raquel Looks like 'Rooney.' That's an 'O' isn't it? Rodney No it's a 'D'. It's copper- plate writing. Raquel (Laughing) Well, it looks like 'Rooney' from where I'm standing. Where d'you get it from.? Rodney It's your birthday present to me. Raquel Oh! It's your birthday! Sorry. Happy birthday, Rodney. Rodney Thanks. Raquel Del chose the present. I didn't even know what he'd got you. Where is he? Rodney In the kitchen. He's a bit disappointed, the council have just turned down his application for a home improvement grant. Raquel (Surveying the flat) I suppose they didn't have half a million pounds handy. Rodney What did he want to do then? Raquel Who knows! Put an extension on the balcony and build a double garage, knowing him. Del enters from the kitchen with the tea pot and mugs. Del I wanted a mere five thousand pounds to put new kitchen units in. Rodney Well that sounds fair enough. Raquel Oh get real, Rodney. There was no way he was gonna put new units in. He just wanted five grand. Rodney But the council would have checked to see you'd had the work carried out. Del Leave off, Rodders. You give 'em an eighteen month sob story and they forget all about it. They're all busy organising carnivals and things. Anyway, they've turned me down, so I don't know why we're discussing it, it's all epidemic. Who's the letter from? Raquel Don't know yet. Raquel exits to kitchen with mug of tea. Del sits at the table and reads the council's rejection letter. Del Gits. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney reads a newspaper. As he does so a football suddenly bounces off his head. Rodney (Without turning around) Morning, Damien. We now find Damien standing by the door to bedroom area. He is wearing pyjamas and dressing gown and one of the baseball caps (back to front). Del It's a cracker, innit, son? Damien My Dad gets me everything... (To Rodney) D'you want to play war? A flashback to the nightmare. Damien (35) straight into camera. Damien War is good. Rodney No! Bit busy. Del Go on, you've got time for a little battle. Rodney No. I'm alright, honest. Del (To Damien) I'll get you your cereal. Del exits to kitchen. Damien When I'm older will people still wear baseball caps? Rodney When you're older, Damien, people ill wear whatever you tell them to wear. Damien Oh cool! If you get a birth- day cake, Uncle Rodney, can I have some? Rodney Yeah, of course you can. Damien has retrieved his football. He opens the door to Albert's room and throws the ball in and runs away to bedroom. Albert (OS) (Shouts) Little git! Albert enters with the ball wearing a dressing gown but is bare-legged except for a pair of scrunched up socks, one of which reveals a big-toe and carrying slippers. Rodney, hardly reacts to any of it, he just allows Trotter-life to wash over him. Albert Ain't it bloody fair, eh? Rodney Oh my God, Albert! Your socks look like the bomb- squads been having a go at 'em! Albert All I need now is that hospital to get you and Cassandra pregnant, and I'd have two of the little sods bouncing things off me head and sticking marmalade in me slippers. Rodney (Sudden panic) What do you know about me and Cassandra and the hospital? Albert (As he pours the tea) Nothing, son, nothing at all... What's an ovum? Rodney I don't belie... Were you listening to me and Del's conversation? Albert I wasn't listening, I just heard. Don't worry, you know me, son, I'm saying nothing. Del enters from the kitchen. Del Morning, Unc. Oi, you be careful when you collect your pension today. There's a gang of muggers operating round this area. Albert They don't worry me, son. I boxed for the navy. They called my left hand 'Trotter's Trembler'. Del I won't ask what they called your right hand. Del and Rodney laugh. Rodney If all else fails, Albert, you could always chuck your socks at 'em. Del checks his watch, which read 8 o'clock, and a sudden panic sets in. Del (Urgency) Come on, Rodders, let's go. Rodney What's the hurry? Del Come on, quick! Rodney Shall I load the van up? Del No. I've got to get the Capri in for a tune up first. Come on, hurry up! (Calls) See you, sweetheart! Come on, Rodney. Del and Rodney exit and we hear the front door slam. Raquel enters from the kitchen still with the letter in hand. Albert What's he such a hurry for? Raquel Don't know. Raquel, with a sudden fear, looks up at the wall clock which reads 8 o'clock. Raquel (Cont'd) Oh no, not again! Now, from inside the 'betatime radio/alarm' clock boxes we hear a cacophony of 125 alarms and radios begin playing. We have all different sounds - digital buzzers and beepers and warblers and bells of different pitch - radio stations playing different records - chat shows - news items. EXT.DAY. FRONT OF NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. We see a gang hanging around somewhere. The gang consists of: Gary: The leader: A strapping, tough looking six footer of about 19. Scott and Kevin: Two other lads about the same age but not as big. Dawn: A 17 year old girl. They are watching a young mother pushing her baby in a pram passing by. Their eyes firmly on her handbag. Gary gives a nod and the gang begins to move towards the mother. At this point Del and Rodney exit the front doors in a hurry. Del You take the van, Rodney, I'll follow you in the Capri Ghia. The sudden arrival of Del and Rodney force the gang to abort their action. Gary gestures to the gang to move off in the opposite direction. Rodney What's the big hurry? Del Eh? Erm, I've booked the Capri in for half eight. Rodney Oh right. (Looks up at the flats) What's that racket? Sounds like someone's having a rave. Del Tch! Some people, eh? They both climb into the vehicles. INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. Sid is behind the counter with his customary cigarette between his lips. In the background in kitchen area is Sid's assistant cook. Trigger, in working clothes and Boycie, in suit and tie and reading a car-dealer's magazine, are seated at a table. Trigger is sporting a small, silver medal on his chest. Trigger's broom is leaning against wall. Trigger Did I tell you what Councillor Murray said to me when she gave me this medal? Boycie Yes! Trigger, you are boring the pants off me with this bloody medal! Trigger No. She said, 'I thank you on behalf of the council and the people of Peckham!' Del Morning, Sid. What d'you fancy, Rodney? Rodney I'll have a cheese roll. Cut to table. Trigger I still find it hard to believe! Boycie So do I! Medals for road sweepers! They'll be giving Del Boy an award for good taste next! Del and Rodney join them at the table. Del Morning all. Boycie Thank God you've arrived! He can bore you two with it now! Rodney What's that then? Boycie Trigger's got a medal. Del Oh yeah. Where'd you find that, Trig? Trigger I was awarded it. Look. Trigger shows them a photo. Trigger ( Cont'd) It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray. We see it is a photograph of Trigger, in uniform, with broom held proudly in hand, receiving an award from Councillor Murray in the town hall. Trigger (Cont'd) See, that's me. Rodney Oh that's you, is it? I'm glad you cleared that up, Trig. Del Let me have a look at that. So that's Councillor Murray, is it? That's the cow that refused my application for a council grant. I've never been treated so badly in all my life. Boycie Derek, when you have the time you'll have to tell me all about it. Del Hey, d'you reckon your friends at the masonic lodge might have some influence at the town hall? Boycie No. I've just often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant. Boycie laughs. Del And the day started out so well, didn't it? Trigger It's Councillor Murray's idea. She's head of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall and she says the local people should be rewarded for services to the community. A proud moment in my family's history. Boycie Trigger, you haven't got a family history. You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare plant somewhere off Deptford High Street. Trigger Maybe. But I still feel proud. Rodney So what exactly is the award for? Trigger For saving the council money. I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last twenty years. She was very impressed and said have a medal. Twenty years. Long time, Dave. Rodney Yeah, I know. It's two decades innit? Trigger I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time. Sid arrives with tea and things. Del If you've had that broom for 20 years d'you ever actually sweep the roads with it? Trigger Well of course! But I look after it well. We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers: 'Look after your broom...' Rodney (Finishes saying for him) And your broom will look after you. Trigger ... No Dave. It's just: 'Look after your broom'. Rodney Oh, that old saying! Trigger Yeah. And that's what I've done. Maintained it for twenty years. This old broom's had seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles in its time. Sid Well, how the hell can it be the same bloody broom then? Trigger There's a picture of it! What more proof d'you need? Boycie Did you tell this Councillor Murray bint about the seventeen new heads and fourteen new handles? Trigger No. I didn't get technical with her. Anyway, I'll see you around. Sid Bon appetite. INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Two hours later. We come up on Raquel's letter which has been opened and read. Raquel, now dressed, is talking on the phone. This is obviously quite an emotional conversation for Raquel. Raquel (On phone) Yeah... I know... This has come as a bit of a shock to me. Cut to hall. Del enters from front door. He begins unbuttoning his coat when he becomes aware of Raquel's voice. He listens to the conversation. We cut between the lounge and the hall. Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) I haven't heard from you for years. Last time we met I got the impression that I wasn't important in your life any more. We see Del's reaction to this. He is angry, hurt and afraid. Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) Yeah, I understand OK, let's meet... (Emphatically) No! Iíll come to you... This weekend? I'm not sure... Del? I don't know really. I suppose I'll have to tell him the truth. I'll give you a call... OK... I know you do... Of course I still love you. Now becomes tearful. Raquel (Cont'd) Bye. She replaces the receiver. We see Del. This is his nightmare coming true. Cut to lounge. Raquel is wiping her eyes. She looks vengefully at the ansaphone. She switches a button on ansaphone. We hear Delís' voice coming from machine. He speaks in a false, posh and slightly nervous tone that so many people do when confronted with recording the outgoing message. Del enters from hall. Del (All false happiness) Alright, sweetheart? Raquel Yeah. What you been up to? Del (Nerves beginning to show) Oh, I met a bloke down the market. I've ordered a consignment of electric doughnut makers... I bumped into Boycie. He said that Mike at the Nag's Head is selling tickets for some party this weekend. Fancy going? Raquel This weekend? No, not really. Del OK... Any phone calls? Raquel Erm, no... Del, can we talk? Del Yeah, course we can. Raquel There's something I've gotta tell you. I'd like to sit down. Del Go on then. Raquel I mean both of us. They sit. Raquel (Cont'd) That letter I got this morning. Del Yeah. Raquel It was from my Mum and Dad. I've just got off the phone to them. Del gives an audible sigh of incredible relief. Raquel You OK? Del T'riffic. Your Mum and Dad? I didn't know you had a Mum and Dad. No, what I meant was you never mentioned them. Every time I've brought the subject up you said you stopped talking to 'em and you don't know where they are. Raquel Years ago we had a big bust up when I told them I wanted to go into show business. My Dad - he's a bit old fashioned - he said some nasty things - you can imagine. We see that Del can't imagine. Raquel (Cont'd) So I stormed out, went into digs and that was the last contact I had with them - until now. They got my address from the landlord at my old flat. They've been phoning for the last couple of weeks but just kept getting the answer- machine. Del Yeah, a lot of people get nervous about leaving messages on them machines. Raquel No, they left lots of messages but the rotten machine didn't record them. Del I wonder what the bloody hell's wrong with this thing. I'll have a butcher's at it - bound to be a button or something on it. Del moves off to ansaphone and gives it a whack. Raquel So I phoned 'em... We had a nice chat... They seemed different - sort of, understanding. (Now slightly weepy) I cried. Del (Hugging her) You silly old thing. Raquel My Mum said they'd missed me. (Now breaking down completely) I told them about Damien. Del And? Raquel They were pleased. They seemed really excited they had a grandson. I told them all about him. All the little things he does. They even wanted to know what he liked to eat. Del D'you tell 'em about me? Raquel I mentioned you. Del D'you tell 'em what I did? Raquel No. There wasn't time. They just wanted to know about Damien... They mentioned going up there at the week- end - they want to meet him. Del Well, that'll be nice for Damien as well. Del now busies himself trying to repair the ansaphone. Raquel Yeah... (Now broaching a difficult subject) The thing is. Well, see, my Dad's a bit of an old fuddy -duddy and he hasn't been well recently... Del (Referring to machine) Bloody thing! Raquel And I think meeting you might be a bit too much for him. So, I don't want to offend you, but d'you mind if just me and Damien went? Del That's the last time I buy anything off Ronnie Nelson! Del now has a terrible thought. Del (Cont'd) Oh, Mon Dieu,! I've just remembered, darling. I won't be able to come with you. I've gotta go to Covent Garden and pick up a van load of vegetables Saturday morning. Raquel Ah, they were really looking forward to meeting you as well, never mind. Del Alright sweetheart, you take Damien and have a nice time. I tell you what, take the Capri Ghia, let 'em see their little girl's done alright for herself. Raquel OK. Thanks, Del. (Kisses him) I do love you. Del Well of course you do, I'm that sort of bloke. What's your dad do? Raquel He's an antique dealer. Del Is he? I tell you what, down in the garage I've got a lovely... Raquel I'm not taking anything with me! Del Alright then, fair enough, just a thought. You go on - build a few bridges. Raquel I'll try. I'll make you a coffee. Raquel exits to kitchen. Damien enters from the bedroom area. Del Here, Damien, guess who you're gonna see on Saturday? Your Nan and your Grandad. Damien Have I got a Nan and Gran- dad? Del You have now. Damien Did you get 'em for me? Del No, they belong to your Mum. They're lovely, and they love you. You wait and see, they'll make a right fuss of you. Yeah, they're really nice people. Damien What are they called? Del (Hasn't got a clue) What are they called? Eh? Em... Nan and Grandad. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE. There are birthday cards in evidence. On the sideboard we see a cage which contains a small white rabbit. Rodney and Cassandra are relaxing on the settee, drinking champagne whilst listening to music. Cassandra Did you feed the rabbit? Rodney Yeah, I chucked a carrot in earlier. Cassandra Good. At this point Rodney is at ease. Cassandra now checks her watch. We see Rodney's expression change as a cold fear grip him. Cassandra notices his expression. Cassandra Don't worry. Rodney I'm not. Cassandra It's only once tonight. Rodney Right. Cassandra Least I think it is. From the side of the settee she produces a large graph- type piece of cardboard. It is covered in dates and red and yellow dots and crosses. Cassandra (Cont'd) Yeah, just the once. Happy birthday again. Rodney Look at Tuesday. Cassandra Happy birthday again. Rodney Thank you. They chink glasses. In so doing Rodney's bracelet is revealed. Cassandra starts laughing at it. Rodney Oh leave off, Cass. Cassandra Sorry, Rooney. Rodney Del's gotta be the only bloke who could buy a gold identity bracelet and take it to a dyslexic engraver. Cassandra You got lots of nice presents as well. Rodney Yeah, I did. Cassandra I was talking to Mummy today and she said, as a special birthday present to you, why don't we fly over to the villa next week. I'm owed some time off and Del hasn't given you a holiday since... well, he hasn't given you a holiday! I thought it might help. You and me down there on the Costa Del Sol, sangria and warm evenings - we might be able to relax, and Doctor Carr said relaxation is very important in our case. Rodney Yeah, sounds good, don't it? Wait a minute. What about the rabbit? Cassandra Couldn't we give it to Del? Rodney No, he'd eat it! Cassandra Aren't there any sort of kennels? You know a place that looks after rabbits. Like a cattery but - well a rabbitry. Rodney A rabbitry? That's a Chinese toilet! Maybe your Mum and Dad could look after it. Cassandra Hardly, they'll be at the villa with us. Rodney They'll be there as well? How are we supposed to relax and - sort of - stick with the schedule with your Mum and Dad there? Cassandra I've figured it all out, Rodney. We won't do it in front of them! When we want to, you know, relax, we'll go to our bedroom! What d'you reckon? Rodney But they'll be in the room next to us! I mean, what about the panting and screaming and 'Yes, yes, yes!' Cassandra You'll just have to control yourself. Rodney No, it'll never work. Besides I can't leave Del now, business ain't going too well. Cassandra I know, I looked at your account. Rodney But we feel we're on the verge of something. Cassandra Yeah, that's what I thought! Oh come on Rodney, I was really looking forward to getting away for a few days. I've checked the flights and there are seats available. Thursday morning. Rodney I can't, Cass. You go. Cassandra You don't mind? Rodney Of course I don't. Go on, rest'll do you good. Cassandra kisses him. Cassandra You won't go to this party Mike's organising, will you? Rodney Of course not! What party? Cassandra I don't know, Raquel mentioned it when she phoned earlier. I don't want other women throwing themselves at you. Rodney Cassandra, that is some- thing you're gonna have to put up with! Cassandra But it'll mean putting our schedule on ice for a week. Rodney looks disappointed. Rodney 'Fraid so... Tch! We see a look of great relief on Rodney's face. INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. Three days later. Mike is behind the bar reading the Daily Mirror. It is a quiet lunch time. The only customers in the bar are Denzil in working clothes and Boycie in suit and overcoat who are seated at table reading newspapers. Marlene is seated at the bar reading a magazine. She is in full make-up. Trigger's broom is leaning against the table. Mike You both got tickets for Saturday's party? Boycie/Denzil Mmmhh. Mike I can tell you're looking forward to it! Mike looks to his hot'n'cold food cabinet which is filled with sausages, chips, pies, slightly curled sandwiches, etc. He shakes his head sadly at the waste. Mike (Cont'd) Marlene, fancy something to eat? Marlene I do as it happens, Mike. (To Boycie) Boycie, shall we pop down The Harvester in a minute? Boycie, Marlene and Denzil laugh. Mike (A false laugh) I don't get much trade but I do have a good laugh! Bloody 'ell. Trigger, in road sweeper's uniform, passes on the way to the table. We should notice that he also sports a small silver medal on his chest. Mike produces a handful of tickets. Mike (Cont'd) Trigger. D'you fancy a ticket? Tenner each. Trigger Righto, Mike. Mike What d'you mean, 'Righto, Mike?' You don't even know what they're for. Trigger (As if Mike is stupid) Tch! It's bound to tell you on the ticket, innit? Mike Oh yeah, I didn't think of that. Every year us local publicans organise a fancy dress ball. Prizes, the lot. This year it's old Harry Malcolm's turn - he's the landlord at the Crown and Anchor. He's holding the party at his house - he's got a great big place over Dulwich way. (Indicating ticket) See? It's got spot prizes, everything. Look, top prize is a brand new stereo system worth over a thousand pound. Trigger Fancy dress! I've only got my mohair suit and my best jumper. Mike Perfect! Mike takes the money. Trigger Did I tell you about my medal? Mike Yes, you told me a couple of times yesterday and three times this morning. Trigger Did I tell you, Marlene? Marlene Yes, love. You sent us a fax last night. Trigger moves to Boycie and Denzil. Boycie and Denzil see Trigger coming and try to hide behind their newspapers. Del and Rodney enter. Greetings are exchanged as Del and Rodney move to the bar. Del Alright, Mike. Del turns to Marlene. Del (Cont'd) Wotchyer, sweetheart. Del touches her up. Boycie reacts. Marlene Stop it! Honestly. Cassandra get off alright? Rodney Yeah, I've just come from the airport. Marlene And Raquel's away too, ain't she? I bet you two'll be out gallivanting Saturday night. Del Ooh no, we're not like that anymore. A cup of Bournvita, plate of toast and Match Of The Day, that's us, eh, Rodders? Rodney Heaven! Marlene (Spotting Rodney's ID bracelet) That's nice... 'Rooney?' Del No, it's 'Rodney'. Rodney It's not an O - it looks like an O but it's not! Quiet today, innit? Del Yeah, there's more life in one of his pork pies. Come on Michael. A pint of your finest lager-top for Rodney and a Manhattan for moi. Mike Fancy something to eat, Del. How about a nice beef stew? Rodney looks at the unappetizing fare. Del Yeah, that'll keep the cold out. Rodney You should be careful with the old beef, Del. Del Oh leave off, you brass. Trigger, broom in hand, is passing on way to exit. Trigger I don't know what you are worried about. I've been eating British beef all my life. Del Sausage and chips, please, Mike. Rodney? Rodney Something that was fresh this morning. Rodney moves away. Del And a Daily Mirror for Rodney. Del and Rodney join Boycie and Denzil. Greetings are exchanged. Denzil Any luck, Del? Del Loads of it, all bad! Just had a word with Paddy the Greek. You know them 9 carat gold bracel... Del corrects himself in Rodney's presence. Del (Cont'd) ...24 carat gold bracelets I was selling? I've just found out they've all been deported along with Ugandan Maurice. Denzil Why did you trust him with all that gold in the first place? Del Because he told me he was an exporter. Rodney Yeah, an ex-porter, he just got the sack from British Rail. Del Life's one long struggle. Moans of agreement from the others. Del (Cont'd) Sometimes I feel like King Farouk holding back the tide. I've got a kid to think of now. Denzil I've got bills coming out of me ears. Boycie I've got Marlene. Rodney It's Canute. Del You can say that again. Denzil, Mike and Boycie all agree. Rodney just looks on as if to say, 'Why do I bother?' Mike crosses over with food. Marlene follows. Mike (Trying to cheer Del) D'you wanna buy a ticket for a publicanís ball? Del Only if it's a raffle. Everyone except Mike laughs. Mike Your loss. Mike returns to the bar. Denzil You're right, Del, it sounds boring. Rodney Anyone going? Denzil Me. Boycie I've got to go, the host is a fellow mason. Last year's do was a real good laugh. Denzil I heard it all ended in a big punch up. Boycie Yes it did. But during the struggle Marlene got a whack on the nose. Marlene And you did nothing about it, did you? Boycie What could I do? You threw the first punch. Denzil (To Marlene) Were you injured? Boycie No, fortunately her make-up cushioned the blow. Boycie laughs. Rodney picks up his pint of lager and examines it. Rodney (Panic) I've just remembered! I was supposed to take Cassie's specimen into the clinic this morning! I've left it in your kitchen on your work top. Del Well that's alright, take it tomorrow. Rodney No you don't understand. It's not supposed to be left in direct sunlight. You're supposed to find a cool, dark spot where it won't be disturbed. Marlene How about Boycie's pants? Everyone laughs, including Boycie - now his laugh dies as he realises the joke is on him. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. One hour later. Albert is on the phone to Raquel. Albert (On phone) Yes, everything's fine, Raquel - although there's no food in the fridge - but I'm not complaining. You just have a nice time, gel... We hear the front door slam. Albert (Cont'd) Hold on, I think Del's back. Del and Rodney enter - returning from the pub. Albert (Cont'd) Del Boy, Raquel's on the phone. Del Right, thanks, Albert. I'll take it in the bedroom. Del exits to the bedroom area. Albert (Cont'd) (On phone) He's gonna take it in the bedroom, love. See you soon, bye. Albert hangs up. Albert (Cont'd) (To Rodney) I suppose your Cassandra'll be there by now. Rodney checks his watch on the same wrist as the ID bracelet. Rodney She should have landed by now. Bloody 'Rooney!' Albert I don't know why you wear an ID bracelet. Men - real men - didn't wear them in my day. Rodney You used to wear dog-tags round your neck. Albert They were ID necklaces! Completely different. Rodney To be honest, Unc, I don't wanna wear this thing but I don't wanna hurt Del's feelings. Albert I understand, boy... During the war. Rodney God! Albert I had a mate who had exactly the same problem. His Mum had bought him a gold watch which he hated. But he didnít wanna hurt her feelings. So he had to find a solution to the problem. Rodney So what's he do? Albert One night he went round all the pubs in Portsmouth flashing his gold watch about. On the way back to the ship he got mugged... Problem over. Rodney That was a good idea, weren't it? Albert There's a lot of mugging going on round here, Rodney. Rodney Albert, I'm not seriously considering it as a viable option! God Almighty! I'll just have to tell him the truth. Albert Be gentle though. Albert exits to the kitchen. Rodney begins practicing breaking the news. Rodney Del, about this thing you gave me for my birthday. Del It's a beauty, innit? We see Del has entered from bedroom area. He takes coat off. Rodney Eh? Yeah... Em, thing is... Del I tell you what Raquel and Damien are having a nice time. Getting on really well with her Mum and Dad. Rodney Yeah? I didn't know Raquel had any parents. Del Nor did I. They turned up out of the blue. There was a bit of a family barney in the past and now we're trying to patch things up. A kiss and a cuddle's all it takes. Rodney Oh, well that's good, innit? Didn't you want to go and meet your common- law in-laws then? Del Well, I would have gone but, to be honest, Raquel didn't want me to go. Rodney What, she told you? Del She was having a difficult time in telling me, so I made an excuse to let her off the hook. I think she thought I might embarrass her. Rodney nods in thoughtless agreement. Rodney Mmmh...! (Now corrects it) What d'you mean? That's silly! How could you possibly embarrass her? Del Well, that's what I thought! Her old man's an antique dealer. I was gonna let him have a look at the Jacobean cine- camera... She most probably wants to save me for later. So, what was you gonna say about your bracelet? Rodney Eh? Erm, nothing. I'm well pleased with it. Del And you'll never forget your name will you? Albert enters from the kitchen. Albert (Moaning) Raquel goes away for a few days and this flat becomes a shambles. There's no food in the fridge, the veg is on the turn and that apple-juice is 'orrible. I've eaten better on a life-raft. Albert exits to his bedroom. Del Shuddup moaning, you old git! Don't he go on? Apple juice, what apple juice? Rodney shrugs. Now a cold fear. Rodney rushes to the kitchen. He now enters from the kitchen. Rodney (Horrified) It's Cassandra's specimen! It's gone! Del You mean? I don't believe him! Rodney What am I gonna tell Cassandra? Del Tell her it spilt in the van as you went round a corner. Rodney I can't lie to her, Del. Del Alright, tell her Albert drunk it. Rodney I can't tell her that, can I? It's just one thing after another. Del Yeah, same here. We need to get out, bruv. Rodney How d'you mean? Del Well, I've been thinking. Cassandra's away in foreign climes and now Raquel's had it away on her toes to Milton Keynes. And what's happening tomorrow night? It's the big party, innit? The publican's ball. So I was thinking, so while the mice are away why don't us cats go out and play. It'll be like the old days, Rodney. Rodney We're not gonna be pull- ing birds, are we? Del We never pulled birds in the old days so what chance we got now? Come on, what d'you say? Rodney Well, it's only harmless fun, innit? Del We'll go for a couple of hours. A sausage roll, bit of a grin, that's all. The top prize this year is a stereo system worth over a grand. Rodney What'd they give prizes for? Del The best fancy dress. Rodney Fancy dress! I'm not going dressed up like some zoom! Del It's only a laugh! We'll pop down the fancy-dress shop in the High Street and pick something out. I need you to choose the right costumes and win us that top prize. 'Cos you've got a GCE in art. I need your creative input. You're the one with the flair and the imagination. Rodney I suppose so. Shall I tell you what I'm imagining right now? I imagine you've been planning the whole thing, ain't you? I bet that since you knew Raquel was going away, you've been planning to go to that party and try and win that prize! Del If your mother could hear you now! Is that what you really think of me? The woman and child that I love have gone away for what will obviously be a very emotional and draining weekend - and all Del Boy can think is, 'Let's go an' jolly it up and try and win a prize!' Oh yeah, that's Del Boy, shallow as a worm's grave. Rodney No, what I meant was... Well, it just seemed a bit... Alright, I'm sorry. Del That's alright then, apology accepted. Rodney Hang on, I've just remembered. It's an all- ticket affair. Del Don't worry, I bought a couple as we were leaving. Del produces two tickets. Rodney Ace! EXT. NIGHT. PECKHAM BACK STREETS. Del and Rodney are on their way to Harry's fancy-dress party. We see the three wheeled van pass us - at this point we don't know what they are going to the party as. The van backfires loudly. We hear conversation from inside the van. Rodney (OS) I feel stupid! I don't know how we got out of the estate without being seen. Del (OS) Don't worry, we'll be there in a minute. Rodney (OS) Yes, but then we've got to get home dressed like this! Del (OS) Who's gonna see us at five in the morning? Rodney (OS) Yeah, suppose so. Five in the morning? You said we're only going for a couple of hours. Del (OS) Yes, but you get involved, don't you? The van coughs and farts a few times and splutters to a halt. Rodney (OS) What's happening? Del (OS) There must be something wrong. Rodney (OS) I wish I was mechanically minded like you. Del (OS) I'll open the bonnet, you go an' have a look at the engine. Rodney (OS) Go an' have a look at the ... I'm not gettin out of the van dressed like this! Del (OS) No one'll see you. Look, the street's empty. Rodney (OS) At the moment! But I'll guarantee you the minute we step out of this van a thousand people'll pour out of a... of a... of a place where a thousand people are! You have a look, it's your van! Del (OS) You tart, Rodney. We see the driver's door open and Del's foot is covered in a suede, elf-like bootie. As Del approaches the bonnet of van we now see him in all his glory. He is dressed as Batman, complete with hood and cape. He checks the street and opens the bonnet. Rodney pops his head out of the open window of passenger side. He is dressed as Robin, with eye-mask, etc. Rodney See anything? Del Gimme a chance. Can't see a thing here in the dark. Rodney alights from passenger side and joins Del cautiously checking that no passer-by will see him dressed as Robin. Del has removed something from the top of the engine. He now produces a lighter and snaps the flame on to give him some light. Rodney (Innocently at this point) What you looking or? Del I'm tryin' to see if the petrol's getting through to the carburetor. We have a few beats before Rodney's eyes widen in horror. He leaps back. Rodney You idiot! You could blow us to kingdom come! Del Don't be daft! There's no petrol coming through, is there. There's a blockage, that's why we've broken down. Quick. Back in the van, I don't want people seeing you dressed like that - you look like a right plonker. They both scamper back into the van. INT. NIGHT. THE VAN. Del (Almost as if it's Rodney's fault) What are we gonna do now, eh? Rodney I don't know, Derek! We are sat in the middle of Peckham at 10.30 at night dressed up as Batman and Robin! You - you chose these costumes! I wanted to go as The Blues Brothers! Del Rodney, we'd have still broken down and been in this embarrassing situation, wouldn't we? Rodney Oh yeah! We'd have both been wearing suits and ties - right couple of zooms we'd have looked. Del But we'd never have won first prize as The Blues Brothers! Rodney At least we could have walked home! Del Stop moaning. We've got to think of a way out of this. Rodney Alright, let's think about it. Rodney produces a mobile phone. Rodney (Cont'd) We phone the RAC. Del Yes, ask to be put through to their 'Broken Down Whilst Dressed As A Couple Of Prats' department? Rodney Alright then, the police? Del The police? We'd never live it down, Rodney. Our lives would be hell! We'd have to emigrate. Rodney At this particular moment in time, that doesn't sound a bad alternative. Del There's always been a way, Rodney. Let's sit here and think. Rodney The pubs'll be chucking out soon. They'll tear us to shreds. Del Tell you what, old Harry's house is nearer than any other place. If we run we could be there in five minutes. Rodney But we'll be seen! People on buses, people in restaurant windows. Del No. Not if we go through the back streets and the alleys. All you got down there are winos and crackheads and let's face it, they see Batman and Robin every night of the week. Come on, we can do it. Rodney Five minutes? Del Five minutes if we hurry. Rodney Oh jeez! EXT. NIGHT. BACK STREETS/TOWN HALL. This is a street that runs along the back of the town hall. Parked opposite, and close to the corner of an alley is a modern car. The back door to the town hall is opened by a commissionaire and Councillor Murray exits, carrying a handbag and briefcase. Cllr Murray I'm going now Tom. Commissionaire I'll see you out. Goodnight, Councillor Murray. Cllr Murray Goodnight, Tom. The door closes and Councillor Murray makes her way across the road to her car. She stops at the driver's door and opens her handbag for the car keys At this point Dawn (the girl member of the mugging gang) rushes round corner, apparently in a wild panic. Dawn Sorry, Miss, you seen a policeman round here? Cllr Murray No, I haven't! Immediately Gary (the leader) steps out from behind a corner. Gary Good! Giss your money! Cllr Murray What are you doing? (Calls) Tom! The other members of the gang, Scott and Kevin, have now appeared and the mugging begins. Cllr Murray Help! Scott Someone shut her up! Gary Get her handbag! Dawn puts her hand round Councillor Murray's mouth. Scott now sees something up the road that makes him freeze in incredulity. He nudges Gary. Scott Gary! He gestures up the road. Gary looks and freezes. Dawn and Kevin and now Councillor Murray all do likewise. We see from their POV, two hundred yards away, Batman and Robin are running towards them. Gary (Incredulously) What's happening? Cllr Murray (Terrified, to the rest of the gang) I haven't the faintest idea! Gary (Terrified, to the rest of the gang) Go! The gang run off leaving Councillor Murray open-mouthed in disbelief. Batman and Robin now rush past her. Batman now stops - Robin stops a bit further on. Del Councillor Murray? Cllr Murray (Frightened) Yes. Del I recognise you from your photograph. Derek Trotter. You remember I wrote to you sometime ago about a... Rodney Del, let's go! Del Yes. Well, sorry, must dash. Maybe another time? Batman and Robin rush off. Councillor Murray watches them, still in total shock. INT. NIGHT. HALLWAY OF BIG HOUSE. The door to the main room is closed. All we can hear is the sound of polite, muted conversation. The front door bell rings. Boycie exits from the main room. He is dressed in a black two-piece suit, white shirt and a black kipper tie. He opens the front door and Del and Rodney enter. At first Boycie is surprised, but he now allows himself a little smile. Del Oh Boycie, let us in, will you? Boycie What have you two come as then? Rodney (Innocently) Batman and Robin. Del Ignore him, Rodders. Just ignore him. Where is every- one? Boycie (Pointing to main room) Straight through there, Caped Crusader. Del You ain't gonna win nothing dressed like that. (To Rodney) Amazing, innit? We've come as Batman and Robin and Boycie's come as the Penguin... Del and Rodney moves towards the door. (checking themselves in a mirror first) Boycie (Quietly) Oh no, Del Boy - not the Penguin - more like the Joker. INT. NIGHT. MAIN ROOM OF BIG HOUSE. We find a crowd of people of various ages and colours sipping drinks and engaged in polite conversation. They are all dressed in black - this is in fact a wake. Mike approaches Kenny, Harry (the host's) son. Kenny is 50. Mike Kenny. Mike from the Nag's Head. I was really cut-up yesterday when I heard about your Dad. Still, at least he didn't suffer. Kenny No. He had a good innings and he'd have been well chuffed to see all his family and friends turn up for his wake like this. Now the double doors from the hall open and Del and Rodney enter. Del/Rodney Da da da da da da da da. Rodney stops singing as he sees the crowd. Del Da da da Batman! Da da da... The song dies on Del's lips. Boycie has followed them in. Boycie Derek. Harry died yesterday. Del He di...! Why didn't you tell us that out there in the hall instead of letting us run in here like that? Rodney Yeah. We were going da da da da and all that! Boycie It completely slipped my mind completely. Strange what grief can do. Boycie now laughs but realises it is out of place. Boycie exits into the crowd. Del and Rodney remain for a moment looking and feeling very silly. Now Kenny approaches. Kenny Del. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Kenny, Harry's son. Del Yeah, course I remember you. Kenny I phoned round everyone to tell 'em the party was off. I left four or five messages on your answer machine. Obviously you didn't get 'em. Rodney No, the machineís been play- ing up. Del I'm gonna get shot of that bloody machine. Look, Kenny, I'm sorry about all this. Kenny Don't be silly. The old man's most probably up there now having a bloody good laugh at you all. You'll stay, won't you? Del Oh yeah, of course. Kenny Grab yourself a drink and something to eat. Del Alright, cheers. Kenny moves into the crowd. Denzil appears. Denzil Didn't you know Harry had died? Del Of course we knew Harry had died! That's why we've come dressed as Batman and Thingy! Rodney Robin. Del Yeah! I suppose the prize- giving's off now? Rodney I love him. Bloody love him. Trigger arrives wearing a black suit, white shirt and black tie. He approaches Del and Rodney and makes no reaction to the way they are dressed. Trigger Alright Del, Dave. Bit of a choker, innit, old Harry popping off like that? Rodney Yeah. We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled. Trigger Me either. Rodney You mean, that's your costume? Trigger Yeah, I come as a chauffer. I feel a bit stupid now. Del Yeah, you do stand out a bit. I'll get us a drink. Trigger I don't think you and Del would have won first prize. Rodney No? Trigger No. You're alright, but Del don't look nothing like Tonto. EXT. DAY. THE MARKET. LOCATION. A week later. Del has the suitcase open on the ground. We see it is full of red riding helmets and the baseball caps. Rodney is close by leaning against the frame of one of the stalls and reading the Peckham Echo. The headline reads: 'Councillor Murray Breathalised After Mugging Claim'. Sub headline reads: 'Batman and Robin saved me, claims the town hall chief'. Del is already bored with the rejection of his wares and it tells in his voice. Del (Fed up) Aerodynamic cycling helmets. Del taps one for us to hear a metallic sound. Del (Cont'd) As worn by Chris Boardman - and his cousin Stan... Baseball caps. Look at that, beautiful. Straight from LA , as worn by MC Hammer... Buy the kid one for Christmas. Unisex baseball caps, designed especially for your sons or daughters - or your Rottweiler goldfish. Baseball caps. I can't see us doing a lot of business today. Let's sling it all in the van and go home. As Del turns back to the suitcase, etc, we see four lads (about 6-17 years of age) are studying the baseball caps. The four lads all wear back-to-front baseball caps. Del D'you wanna buy one? 1st Lad We've already got baseball caps. Del Not like these you ain't. These are a brand new design straight from Los Angeles. The 2nd lad studies the inside of the cap. 2nd Lad It says here 'Made in Taiwan'. Del Yes, made in Taiwan but designed in America. The Bloods and the Cripps are wearing these, they're all the go over there. 1st Lad Yeah? What's so special about 'em? They don't look any different. Del Haute Couture is obviously not your strong point, is it. I'll show you. He directs the first lad to a small mirror which is hanging on the end of the stall. Del removes the lad's back-to-front baseball cap and places the new one on his head - but he places it with the peak in front. Del See, with these one's the peak is at the front! We see Rodney has now noticed something in another part of the market. We see an elderly lady standing close to a stall and putting her purse back into her handbag. We also see the three men and a girl mugging team are close by and eyeing her. Dawn moves in and asks the old lady the time. The boys move in closer. Rodney Del! Have a look. Del What's up? We now see Scott and Kevin crowd the old lady, Gary (the leader) grabs the old lady's handbag and pulls it from her. In the struggle the old lady falls to the ground. The gang disperse. We concentrate on Gary with the handbag. Del Get after him, Rodney! Rodney Right! Rodney dashes off in pursuit. Del closes his suitcase and chases after Rodney. We see the old lady on the ground and in shock, being comforted by some women shoppers. Rodney dashes past. Del now arrives with his suitcase and stops. Del (To Old Lady) You alright, darling? Old Lady Little buggers have nicked me handbag, son. My bloody arse is hurting as well. Del You just take it easy. Call the police and an ambulance for her. Del dashes off. EXT. DAY.LONDON STREETS. We have two streets running parallel with each other. Between them are three smaller streets which join both main streets. We see Rodney is chasing Gary (with the handbag) towards the upper of the two main streets. Gary turns left and now begins to run along main upper main street with Rodney in pursuit. We find Del, with the suitcase, at the lower main street. He looks up along the first adjoining street and, at top of street, he sees Gary rush along the street and out of sight, immediately followed by Rodney. Rodney runs along the next adjoining street and, at the top of the street, he witnesses the same scene. We now cut to upper street where we see Rodney in pursuit. Gary turns off street and Rodney follows. EXT. DAY. AN ENCLOSED GARAGE BLOCK OR FACTORY YARD. The now exhausted Gary runs into a garage block or factory yard and finds all escape routes are cut off. An exhausted Rodney now appears at the entrance. Rodney smiles confidently knowing Gary is cornered. A 'gotcha' smile. The trapped Gary looks around him desperately. He now looks at Rodney and his confidence begins growing. His face becomes more aggressive. Rodney's smile dies as he realises Gary is a lot tougher than him. Gary steps towards Rodney. Rodney takes a step back. Gary starts to move forward. Rodney runs. We cut to Del still at lower street. He looks up the adjoining street and is amazed to see the whole scene reversed. Rodney dashes across the street being pursued by Gary. Del runs back to the second adjoining street and sees the scene repeated. We now see Rodney running along upper main street and turning right whilst being pursued by Gary. We see Rodney hurtling back towards market with Gary in pursuit. In the distance we can hear a police siren. We come to a corner which is angled by solid and high brick walls. Rodney rushes past the corner. As Gary is about to run past the corner so Del's suitcase appears at head height. Gary runs headfirst into it and collapses in a unconscious heap. (we hear a metallic crash as his head hits the suitcase - the riding helmets) Del now appears from behind corner of the wall. Del (To Gary) Whoops-a-daisy. Rodney Right, you've had your fun and games sunshine! Consider yourself nicked. A young policeman appears on the scene. Del It's alright, officer. I caught him, he's over there. PC Thank you, sir. (Out of frame) Come on, you 'orrible little sod. We now hear and then see (as they come into frame) that the PC has grabbed Rodney. Rodney (OOV) No, no! (In vision) Not me! Del No, it's the other one! PC Sorry! The PC grabs Gary and searches him. From out of Gary's pocket he pulls three watches. PC (Cont'd) Ooh, you ca tell the time can you? (Producing a purse) You don't look like the type of person to carry a purse! From the other pocket the PC produces a gold ID bracelet. PC (Cont'd) God, no taste! And is your name 'Rooney?' Del No, hang on, that's my brother's. (To Rodney) Howís it get in there? Rodney It must have slipped off during the struggle. PC I'll have to take state- ments from you two. If you wouldn't mind following me down to the station. Del Of course, officer. The PC leads Gary off to the police car. Rodney Well, what about that! We're a couple of fine upstanding citizens, Derek. Del Catelogue raisonne as they say in Beritz. Better leave your bracelet in the van, Rodney. Don't wanna be seen in a police- station wearing that! INT. DAY. TOWN HALL. LOCATION. Three weeks later. A small crowd of people including Raquel, Cassandra, Albert and a disgruntled Rodney are witnessing Del's medal ceremony. Rodney is unhappy that Del is getting all the praise. The mayor is coming towards the end of his speech. Mayor We read and we hear about so-called have-a-go-heroes, but we very rarely have the honour of meeting one. Well, I'm proud to say that here, in Peckham, we have our very own have-ago-hero. At this point we see Councillor Murray enter the hall late. She begins a whispered conversation with one of her aides. Mayor And so it's my greatest honour and privilege to present this medal for bravery to Derek Trotter. There is applause. Councillor Murray reacts upon hearing Del's name. Cllr Murray (To Aide) That's Batman! She moves out of shot leaving a bewildered aide. A press photo- grapher appears. Press Mr Trotter, could I have a couple of pictures? Del Mange oui, of course. As Del is having his pictures taken, Rodney appears next to him. Rodney How comes I didn't get a medal? I did all the running. Del Yes, but you were running away from him! Rodney I wasn't 'running away' from him actually. I was just luring him. Del Well you weren't half luring him fast! You came past me like Linford Christie - minus he poodle he keeps down his shorts. Press (To Rodney) Could you mind out of the way please, sir... Del Yes. Mind out of the way. You're casting a shadow. Rodney returns to the family. Cassandra Why didn't you get a medal, Rodney? Rodney They offered me one but I said I wanted to remain anonymous. Cassandra (Impressed) Ohh. She kisses Rodney. As she does so Rodney catches Raquel's eye. Raquel just smiles knowingly. As Del is about to join the family, Councillor Murray arrives. Cllr Murray Mr Trotter. Councillor Murray. We met, the night you were dressed as Batman. Del (Terrified Raquel might hear) Oh yes, that's right. Cllr Murray I've never been so fright- ened in all my life. Del It was only a costume. Cllr Murray No, I mean terrified of that awful gang of muggers. At least they're all behind bars now, thanks to you. If ever there's anything I can do for you, please don't hesitate to call. Del Oh really, it was nothing. Murray walks away. Del suddenly realises there is something she can do for him. Del (Cont'd) Oh, Councillor Murray. As a matter of fact there may be a little something you could help me with. Can we talk? Cllr Murray Of course. Del Cushty! INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.NIGHT. Rodney, Cassandra, Raquel and Albert are dressed up in their finest for the family celebration. Albert wears all his medals. They all have glasses of champagne except for Cassandra who has a glass of orange juice. Rodney is reading the front page of the Peckham Echo. The headline reads: 'The Hero Who Fought Crime - And Won!' Beneath this is a picture of Del receiving his medal from the Mayor and Councillor Murray. Rodney We'd better cut this one out for the family album. A Trotter's never won a medal before... Well, Albert's won three of four dozen. Cassandra Why'd they use the word 'man'? They could have mentioned Rodney. Rodney looks at her, injured by this slight upon his masculinity. Raquel Yeah, Rodney was there as well. Albert They do mention him. Here you are, 'Mr Trotter was aided in the capture of the muggers by his younger brother, Rooney.' Rodney (Reacts) Bloody Rooney! We hear a champagne cork pop in the kitchen. Del, wearing the medal, enters with another bottle of champagne. Del Here we go, fill your glasses, I'd like to say a little something on this auspicious occasion. We are not just celebrating me becoming the first Trotter to win a medal without getting wet. This is in fact a double celebration. Cassandra (To Rodney) You told them! Rodney I didn't honest! I swear! How d'you lot find out? Raquel Find out what? Cassandra You mean you don't know? Raquel No, but I'm starting to put two and two together. Rodney Alright. Let me just say that if, in the near future, anyone wants to buy Cassandra and I some Mothercare vouchers, they will come in bloody handy! Del punches the air. Del Yes my son, we have scored! Rodney also punches the air. Rodney And it was a beauty! Raquel I don't believe... When d'you find out? Cassandra We had it confirmed this afternoon! Del and Rodney are now dancing an impromptu knees up and singing. Del/Rodney 'Three lions on a shirt, Jules Rimet still gleaming...' Albert (Shaking Rodney's hand) I'm really pleased for you, son. I know you've been through hell to get there. Rodney Sssh shhh shhh! Del Oh, a little cousin for Damien to play with. Rodney Yeah! Raquel Wait a minute. You said this was a double celebration before you found out about Cassandra being pregnant. So what else were we celebrating? Del That's right. This is now a treble celebration. You know I was turned down by the council on my home improvement grant? Well, they changed their minds. Del produces a cheque. Del (Cont'd) Look, they sent me a cheque for five grand. Raquel They gave you five thousand pounds. Rodney is studying the cheque. Rodney (Knowingly) Signed by Councillor Murray. Del That's right. (A big grin) Not a bad old world is it, bruv? Rodney (A big grin) Getting better all the time, Del Boy. They clink their glasses. Del Lovely jubbly.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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