EXT. NIGHT.STREET. LONDON-THE NIGHTMARE.
It is a disturbing and desolate scene of poverty,
neglect and suffering. Toxic steam from the poisoned
sewers wafts up from the drains. Litter blows down
the darkened street and past starving people who lay
on the pavements wrapped in rags. A digital wall-clock
juts out above a darkened jewellers shop. It tells us
this is: '2nd November. 2026'. A tall, white-haired,
man in his mid-sixties walks along the pavement with
the help of a stick. He has his back to camera. He is
smartly dressed but in a futuristic fashion. The
starving throng hold its hands out to him. Without
breaking step he distributes a few coins amongst them.
We now see the man from the front and realise it is
Rodney but now aged 64.
He pauses and looks around at his world. On a corner
we see a couple of futuristic policemen who wear black
SWAT type uniforms and are armed with metal batons,
sub-machine guns and military style metal helmets upon
which is printed 'state police'. A large advertising
billboard depicts a futuristic Concorde type jumbo-jet
with a tail logo which reads; 'Trotter Air.' The
legend beneath informs us: 'Trotter Air gets you
there.'
Another advertising sign shows a smiling and happy
thirteen year old girl seated at a table upon which
is what appears to be a plate of golden fish
fingers. The teenager is holding a fork upon which
is what seems to be half a fish finger. But instead
of the instead of the inside of the finger being
white and fresh it is a brown, gooey substance. The
legend teels us this is: 'Trotter's meat fingers -
guaranteed to contain no natural ingredients'.
Another advertising sign depicts two young lovers
looking romantically into each other's eyes. To one
side of their faces is a cardboard packet (like
a pack of Durex.) The legend tells us this is:
'Trotterex. Family Planning - Go Equipped'.
Old Rodney now looks up to the sky. From his POV we
see the top of a massive skyscraper. A brilliantly
lit sign on top of building tells us this is:
'Trotter Tower'. The skyscraper is very futuristic
and is covered in gold and silver cladding which
sparkles in the moonlight. We pan down the
skyscraper to the large main doors at ground level.
A sign above main doors reads: 'Trotters
Independent Traders Company (TITco Global PLC)'.
Rodney studies the signs and adverts in that manner
of his which suggests that everything in life still
stuns him. Old Rodney enters the building.
INT. NIGHT. TOP FLOOR OFFICE SUITE.
We are in a futuristic foyer with various office
doors leading off. The 'TITco' logo is everywhere.
On the wall we find two large portraits in gold
frames.
The first portrait is of Damien, now aged 35. A
gold nameplate in frame reads: 'Sir Damien Trotter'.
The second portrait is of Del, now aged 78. A gold
name-plate in frame reads; 'Lord Trotter of
Peckham'.
From the floor to ceiling windows we have a panor-
amic view of London. Outside we see a helicopter-
type machine approaching the tower before drifting
up and out of sight as it prepares to land on roof.
It has no rotor blades and makes the sound of a
jet. On its side is the 'TITco' logo.
A puff of smoke drifts up and across lens. We pull
back to find Del, now aged 78, and still smoking a
big cigar. Del is dressed in the finest of
futuristic clothes.
Del
Our jetcopter has arrived,
Raquel. I'll ring for the
maid.
Del presses a wall button. We find Raquel, now aged
67 and also draped in the finest of clothes, seated
in a chair and sipping champagne.
Raquel
I'll say bye-bye to Damien
first, darling. How long's
he going to be in there?
Del
You can't rush him, sweet-
heart, he's putting a very
important deal together.
He's talking to President
Reeves in Washington.
Raquel
(Impressed)
President Reeves! Really?
The lift door opens and Rodney alights.
Del
There you are Rodney, where
you been? Damien phoned you
over an hour ago.
Rodney
I know, but the state
transportation workers have
gone on strike.
Raquel
On strike? I thought Damien
had made strikes illegal.
Rodney
Yes, the police were
shooting them as I left.
Damien said he wanted to
see me urgently.
Del
Come on. I'll take you
through.
Del leads Rodney towards the office door. Raquel follows.
INT. NIGHT. ULTRA-FUTURISTIC OFFICE.
As Lord Derek, Lady Raquel and Rodney enter office we
find Damien, now 35, black hair, piercing brown eyes and
dressed in the finest clothes, is talking on a futuristic
phone.
Damien
(On phone)
Listen to me, Keanu. You
just sit there is the White
House all day twiddling
your thumbs and just
playing at leadership!
People are beginning to see
through you. I mean, you
still allow that old-
fashioned system to operate
- what was it called ...
democracy! I got rid of it
in Europe years ago.
See Rodney's reaction. Del and Raquel are beaming
proudly.
Del
What a boy eh? What a boy.
Damien
What's wrong with going to
war with China? War is
good! Well, of course,
millions will be killed. A
war without death is like
a salad without water-
cress! You worry too much
... I've got a busy night
so make the declaration
tomorrow.
Slams phone down. Sound: From outside we hear the sound
of a short burst of machine gun fire. Damien looks from
his window and down into the street below.
Damien
(Cont'd)
Last time she jumps a red
light.
Damien now becomes aware of Rodney's presence. He smiles
at Rodney and stares with deep piercing eyes.
Damien
(Cont'd)
Uncle Rodney.
We hear a brief two-bar piece of the Damien theme.
Rodney
Damien.
Damien
(Hands Rodney
a piece of
paper)
Take this round to the
Chinese embassy. It's your
visa application. I want
you in Beijing for the war
- you report back to me.
Rodney
War! I don't wanna go to
war!
Raquel
What's wrong with you,
Rodney?!
Rodney
I don't wanna go to war!
Del
Rodney, it's for the
company.
Damien
War is good!
Del
You know it makes sense.
Rodney
It doesn't make sense!
Raquel
What would your Uncle
Albert say?
Rodney
(Becoming increas-
ingly confused)
I don't know!
Del
Let's find out.
Del presses a button. A large wall panel slides away to
reveal a large glass case. Inside the case is a 100 year
old Albert. His beard is longer than ever and he is
connected to wires and cables and intravenous tubes. He
doesn't move, he just stares ahead blankly. Rodney
stares at this vision in horror. Without Albert's lips
moving we hear a loop - tape begin.
Albert
(On tape)
During the war - During the
war - During the war...
The "during the war" continues throughout. Cassandra,
now aged 55 enters dressed in a maid's costume.
Cassandra
(To Del)
You rang, your Lordship?
Del
Yes, fetch our coats, dear,
we're going out.
Rodney
(Horrified)
Cassandra! What are you
doing here?
Cassandra
Damien took over my bank
and fired me. I'm the maid.
Del
(Shrugs)
It's a job, Rodney.
Rodney
(Now becoming
emotionally
excited)
No, this isn't fair!
Del
(Trying to calm
him)
Rodney!
Rodney
It's not right, you
shouldn't be doing this!
Del
Rodney!
Rodney
Everything was nice and
now you've messed it all
up!
Del
Rodney!
Del and Rodney's voices begin to echo. We see Del's face
as the picture slowly goes out of focus and into mist.
Rodney
(Echo)
I wanna go back to how it
used to be!
Del
(Echo)
Rodney... Rodney!
Now slowly we come back to today and Del's face. He is
wearing his market cap and market clothes and is talking
straight into camera.
Del
(Cont'd)
Rodney! Rodney! Rodney!
We now dissolve through to:
INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' FLAT.
Rodney is seated on one of the latest 'armchairs' and is
slowly coming out of his nightmare.
Del
Rodney! Rodney, Rodney!
Wake up you dipstick!
Rodney
(Half-asleep)
Why couldn't you have left
things alone! Del?
Looks around room.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Oh God, it was a dream.
Del
What's the matter with you?
You been on that
Rastafarian Old Holborn
again?
Rodney
No, no, I just drifted off
there for a while. Oh man,
I had the wildest dream!
Del
What was it all about? Aah!
Was it all sunny and little
birdies going tweet tweet
tweet?
Rodney
Alright, sorry! So what's
happening?
Del
(As he opens
and reads and
official-looking
letter)
What's happening? I'll tell
you what's happening.
Rodders, we have bought a
hundred and twenty five
Latvian radio alarm clocks
that go off anytime they
bloody want. We've got two
hundred aerodynamic cycling
helmets that turn out to be
horse-riding crash helmets
that some git sprayed red.
We've got a box of baseball
caps that even E17 fans
won't buy, there's a gang
of hoodlums mugging anyone
who dares to put their head
outside the front door...
(Waves letter)
And the council have turned
down my application for a
home-improvement grant!
Other than that - all is
well.
Del moves to door to bedrooms area.
Rodney closes his eyes in luxurious security.
Rodney
Thank God! Everything’s
normal.
Del
(Calls)
Raquel, there's a letter
here for you. What's all
this falling akip at ten
to eight in the morning?
Don't you sleep at home?
Rodney
You know my situation!
Checks no-one else in the flat can hear.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
It's Cassandra and this
baby thing, innit? The
hospital's worked out
another schedule for us.
I'm at it like a
rattlesnake! It's horrible.
Del
But that was always your
ambition!
Rodney
Yes, but some people dream
of singing La Traviata at
the Royal Opera House, but
they don't wanna sing it
three bloody times a
night.
Del
Make your throat sore,
wouldn't it?
Rodney
Yes. They've put her on a
special diet an all that.
The gynecologist reckons
it's just a matter of time
- but Cass keeps getting
broody... I got her a
rabbit.
Del
A rabbit... What, that's in
her diet?
Rodney
No, a pet rabbit! Something
she can make a fuss over. I
know it was a stupid idea.
I wish I hadn't bothered
now...
Del
So the hospital's done all
the tests and everything?
Rodney
Yes. Look, this is
personal. I don't want this
being broadcast!
Del
Who's gonna listen? You've
had her tubes looked at?
Rodney
Yes! God! Everything's fine
but we just can't crack the
case... Every day I'm
taking specimens to the
clinic and God knows what
else. It's all to do with
ovum’s and... things. The
hospital keep showing me
films of inside the human
body. Cor, it don't half
put you off, Del.
Del
I can imagine. Gimme Debbie
Does Dallas any day. Right,
we'll have a spot of
breakfast and then get down
the market. You wanna
boiled egg?
Del exits to the kitchen. Rodney follows.
Rodney
(Sharply)
No!
Del
Alright, alright.
Rodney
Del, d'you mind if I ask a
favour? Could I have this
afternoon off?
Del
Why? She ain't booked you
in for another seeing to,
has she?
Rodney
No! It's erm...It's my
birthday today.
Del
Is it your birthday?
Blimey, it's your birthday!
I completely forgot! Well,
in that case Rodney, the
answer's no. D'you think
Richard Branson would have
the afternoon off?
Rodney
Doubt it, he don't even
know it's my birthday.
Del
I mean, would he have the
afternoon off for his own
birthday? Of course he
wouldn't. He's out there
in the financial fast
lane - no time for
jollying it up 'cos it's
his birthday.
Rodney
(Disappointed)
Alright then.
Del lets him suffer - now a big grin.
Del
Course you can have this
afternoon off. You can go
home now if you want.
Rodney
No, this afternoon'll do.
Cass has got a half day
and we're gonna go
shopping.
Del hands Rodney three birthday cards.
Del
I didn't forget, did I?
There's your cards,
birthday boy.
Rodney
Cheers, Del.
Rodney looks at one card.
Del
That's from Damien.
Rodney's hands shake.
Rodney
Oh... Bless him.
Del hands Rodney a small wrapped present.
Del
And that's from me and
Raquel.
Rodney unwraps the present which reveals a small
jewellery box. He opens the box and produces a chunky,
gold identity bracelet. He stares at it. It is the
worst present he could imagine.
Del
It's a chunky, gold identity
bracelet.
Rodney
Yeah, I can see that.
Del
It's just like mine Rodney,
look at that - 24 carat
that is Rodney, no old
rubbish. See, it's got your
name on it.
Rodney studies the engraving.
Rodney
'Rooney'?
Del
No, that's Rodney.
Rodney
But it says 'Rooney'.
There's an 'O' where the
'D' should be.
Del
No, that is a D. It's that
copperplate lettering. So,
what do you think?
Rodney
You shouldn't have.
Rodney goes to put the bracelet in his pocket.
Del
Well, put it on then.
Rodney
Eh? Right. Thanks Del.
Rodney slips the bracelet on.
Del
Oi! Don't you go getting
all emotional on me.
Rodney
Alright then.
Del exits to the kitchen. Raquel, in dressing gown,
enters from the bedroom area.
Raquel
Morning, Rodney.
Rodney
Hiya, Raquel.
Raquel
(Pointing to
bracelet)
What's that?
Rodney
It's a chunky gold ID
bracelet.
Raquel
(Studying it)
'Rooney'?
Rodney
No, that's 'Rodney'.
Raquel
Looks like 'Rooney.' That's
an 'O' isn't it?
Rodney
No it's a 'D'. It's copper-
plate writing.
Raquel
(Laughing)
Well, it looks like
'Rooney' from where I'm
standing. Where d'you get
it from.?
Rodney
It's your birthday present
to me.
Raquel
Oh! It's your birthday!
Sorry. Happy birthday,
Rodney.
Rodney
Thanks.
Raquel
Del chose the present. I
didn't even know what
he'd got you. Where is
he?
Rodney
In the kitchen. He's a bit
disappointed, the council
have just turned down his
application for a home
improvement grant.
Raquel
(Surveying the
flat)
I suppose they didn't have
half a million pounds
handy.
Rodney
What did he want to do then?
Raquel
Who knows! Put an extension
on the balcony and build a
double garage, knowing him.
Del enters from the kitchen with the tea pot and mugs.
Del
I wanted a mere five
thousand pounds to put
new kitchen units in.
Rodney
Well that sounds fair
enough.
Raquel
Oh get real, Rodney. There
was no way he was gonna
put new units in. He just
wanted five grand.
Rodney
But the council would have
checked to see you'd had
the work carried out.
Del
Leave off, Rodders. You
give 'em an eighteen month
sob story and they forget
all about it. They're all
busy organising carnivals
and things. Anyway,
they've turned me down, so
I don't know why we're
discussing it, it's all
epidemic. Who's the letter
from?
Raquel
Don't know yet.
Raquel exits to kitchen with mug of tea. Del sits at
the table and reads the council's rejection letter.
Del
Gits.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney reads a newspaper. As he does so a football
suddenly bounces off his head.
Rodney
(Without turning
around)
Morning, Damien.
We now find Damien standing by the door to bedroom area.
He is wearing pyjamas and dressing gown and one of the
baseball caps (back to front).
Del
It's a cracker, innit, son?
Damien
My Dad gets me everything...
(To Rodney)
D'you want to play war?
A flashback to the nightmare. Damien (35) straight into
camera.
Damien
War is good.
Rodney
No! Bit busy.
Del
Go on, you've got time for
a little battle.
Rodney
No. I'm alright, honest.
Del
(To Damien)
I'll get you your cereal.
Del exits to kitchen.
Damien
When I'm older will people
still wear baseball caps?
Rodney
When you're older, Damien,
people ill wear whatever
you tell them to wear.
Damien
Oh cool! If you get a birth-
day cake, Uncle Rodney, can
I have some?
Rodney
Yeah, of course you can.
Damien has retrieved his football. He opens the door to
Albert's room and throws the ball in and runs away to
bedroom.
Albert
(OS)
(Shouts)
Little git!
Albert enters with the ball wearing a dressing gown but
is bare-legged except for a pair of scrunched up socks,
one of which reveals a big-toe and carrying slippers.
Rodney, hardly reacts to any of it, he just allows
Trotter-life to wash over him.
Albert
Ain't it bloody fair, eh?
Rodney
Oh my God, Albert! Your
socks look like the bomb-
squads been having a go at
'em!
Albert
All I need now is that
hospital to get you and
Cassandra pregnant, and
I'd have two of the little
sods bouncing things off
me head and sticking
marmalade in me slippers.
Rodney
(Sudden panic)
What do you know about me
and Cassandra and the
hospital?
Albert
(As he pours
the tea)
Nothing, son, nothing at
all... What's an ovum?
Rodney
I don't belie... Were you
listening to me and Del's
conversation?
Albert
I wasn't listening, I just
heard. Don't worry, you
know me, son, I'm saying
nothing.
Del enters from the kitchen.
Del
Morning, Unc. Oi, you be
careful when you collect
your pension today.
There's a gang of muggers
operating round this area.
Albert
They don't worry me, son.
I boxed for the navy. They
called my left hand
'Trotter's Trembler'.
Del
I won't ask what they
called your right hand.
Del and Rodney laugh.
Rodney
If all else fails, Albert,
you could always chuck
your socks at 'em.
Del checks his watch, which read 8 o'clock, and a sudden
panic sets in.
Del
(Urgency)
Come on, Rodders, let's
go.
Rodney
What's the hurry?
Del
Come on, quick!
Rodney
Shall I load the van up?
Del
No. I've got to get the
Capri in for a tune up
first. Come on, hurry up!
(Calls)
See you, sweetheart! Come
on, Rodney.
Del and Rodney exit and we hear the front door slam.
Raquel enters from the kitchen still with the letter in
hand.
Albert
What's he such a hurry for?
Raquel
Don't know.
Raquel, with a sudden fear, looks up at the wall clock
which reads 8 o'clock.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
Oh no, not again!
Now, from inside the 'betatime radio/alarm' clock boxes
we hear a cacophony of 125 alarms and radios begin
playing. We have all different sounds - digital buzzers
and beepers and warblers and bells of different pitch -
radio stations playing different records - chat shows -
news items.
EXT.DAY. FRONT OF NELSON MANDELA HOUSE.
We see a gang hanging around somewhere.
The gang consists of:
Gary: The leader: A strapping, tough looking six footer
of about 19.
Scott and Kevin: Two other lads about the same age but
not as big.
Dawn: A 17 year old girl.
They are watching a young mother pushing her baby in a
pram passing by. Their eyes firmly on her handbag. Gary
gives a nod and the gang begins to move towards the
mother. At this point Del and Rodney exit the front
doors in a hurry.
Del
You take the van, Rodney,
I'll follow you in the
Capri Ghia.
The sudden arrival of Del and Rodney force the gang to
abort their action. Gary gestures to the gang to move
off in the opposite direction.
Rodney
What's the big hurry?
Del
Eh? Erm, I've booked the
Capri in for half eight.
Rodney
Oh right.
(Looks up at
the flats)
What's that racket? Sounds
like someone's having a
rave.
Del
Tch! Some people, eh?
They both climb into the vehicles.
INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE.
Sid is behind the counter with his customary cigarette
between his lips. In the background in kitchen area is
Sid's assistant cook. Trigger, in working clothes and
Boycie, in suit and tie and reading a car-dealer's
magazine, are seated at a table. Trigger is sporting a
small, silver medal on his chest. Trigger's broom is
leaning against wall.
Trigger
Did I tell you what
Councillor Murray said to
me when she gave me this
medal?
Boycie
Yes! Trigger, you are
boring the pants off me
with this bloody medal!
Trigger
No. She said, 'I thank you
on behalf of the council
and the people of Peckham!'
Del
Morning, Sid. What d'you
fancy, Rodney?
Rodney
I'll have a cheese roll.
Cut to table.
Trigger
I still find it hard to
believe!
Boycie
So do I! Medals for road
sweepers! They'll be giving
Del Boy an award for good
taste next!
Del and Rodney join them at the table.
Del
Morning all.
Boycie
Thank God you've arrived!
He can bore you two with
it now!
Rodney
What's that then?
Boycie
Trigger's got a medal.
Del
Oh yeah. Where'd you find
that, Trig?
Trigger
I was awarded it. Look.
Trigger shows them a photo.
Trigger
( Cont'd)
It's a picture of me
receiving my medal from
Councillor Murray.
We see it is a photograph of Trigger, in uniform, with
broom held proudly in hand, receiving an award from
Councillor Murray in the town hall.
Trigger
(Cont'd)
See, that's me.
Rodney
Oh that's you, is it? I'm
glad you cleared that up,
Trig.
Del
Let me have a look at
that. So that's
Councillor Murray, is
it? That's the cow that
refused my application
for a council grant. I've
never been treated so
badly in all my life.
Boycie
Derek, when you have the
time you'll have to tell
me all about it.
Del
Hey, d'you reckon your
friends at the masonic
lodge might have some
influence at the town
hall?
Boycie
No. I've just often
wondered what it must be
like to apply for a
council grant.
Boycie laughs.
Del
And the day started out
so well, didn't it?
Trigger
It's Councillor Murray's
idea. She's head of
Finance and Facilities at
the Town Hall and she says
the local people should be
rewarded for services to
the community. A proud
moment in my family's
history.
Boycie
Trigger, you haven't got a
family history. You were
created by a chemical
spillage at a germ warfare
plant somewhere off
Deptford High Street.
Trigger
Maybe. But I still feel
proud.
Rodney
So what exactly is the
award for?
Trigger
For saving the council
money. I happened to
mention to her one day that
I've had the same broom for
the last twenty years. She
was very impressed and said
have a medal. Twenty years.
Long time, Dave.
Rodney
Yeah, I know. It's two
decades innit?
Trigger
I wouldn't go that far, but
it's a long time.
Sid arrives with tea and things.
Del
If you've had that broom
for 20 years d'you ever
actually sweep the roads
with it?
Trigger
Well of course! But I
look after it well. We
have an old saying that's
been handed down by
generations of road
sweepers: 'Look after
your broom...'
Rodney
(Finishes saying
for him)
And your broom will look
after you.
Trigger
... No Dave. It's just:
'Look after your broom'.
Rodney
Oh, that old saying!
Trigger
Yeah. And that's what
I've done. Maintained it
for twenty years. This
old broom's had seventeen
new heads and fourteen
new handles in its time.
Sid
Well, how the hell can it
be the same bloody broom
then?
Trigger
There's a picture of it!
What more proof d'you
need?
Boycie
Did you tell this
Councillor Murray bint
about the seventeen new
heads and fourteen new
handles?
Trigger
No. I didn't get technical
with her. Anyway, I'll see
you around.
Sid
Bon appetite.
INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Two hours later.
We come up on Raquel's letter which has been opened
and read. Raquel, now dressed, is talking on the
phone. This is obviously quite an emotional
conversation for Raquel.
Raquel
(On phone)
Yeah... I know... This has
come as a bit of a shock to
me.
Cut to hall. Del enters from front door. He begins
unbuttoning his coat when he becomes aware of Raquel's
voice. He listens to the conversation. We cut between
the lounge and the hall.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
I haven't heard from you
for years. Last time we met
I got the impression that I
wasn't important in your
life any more.
We see Del's reaction to this. He is angry, hurt and
afraid.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Yeah, I understand OK,
let's meet...
(Emphatically)
No! I’ll come to you... This
weekend? I'm not sure...
Del? I don't know really. I
suppose I'll have to tell
him the truth. I'll give
you a call... OK... I know
you do... Of course I still
love you.
Now becomes tearful.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
Bye.
She replaces the receiver. We see Del. This is his
nightmare coming true.
Cut to lounge. Raquel is wiping her eyes. She looks
vengefully at the ansaphone. She switches a button on
ansaphone.
We hear Del’s' voice coming from machine. He speaks in a
false, posh and slightly nervous tone that so many
people do when confronted with recording the outgoing
message. Del enters from hall.
Del
(All false
happiness)
Alright, sweetheart?
Raquel
Yeah. What you been up to?
Del
(Nerves beginning
to show)
Oh, I met a bloke down the
market. I've ordered a
consignment of electric
doughnut makers... I
bumped into Boycie. He said
that Mike at the Nag's Head
is selling tickets for some
party this weekend. Fancy
going?
Raquel
This weekend? No, not
really.
Del
OK... Any phone calls?
Raquel
Erm, no... Del, can we talk?
Del
Yeah, course we can.
Raquel
There's something I've
gotta tell you. I'd like to
sit down.
Del
Go on then.
Raquel
I mean both of us.
They sit.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
That letter I got this
morning.
Del
Yeah.
Raquel
It was from my Mum and Dad.
I've just got off the phone
to them.
Del gives an audible sigh of incredible relief.
Raquel
You OK?
Del
T'riffic. Your Mum and Dad?
I didn't know you had a Mum
and Dad. No, what I meant
was you never mentioned
them. Every time I've
brought the subject up you
said you stopped talking to
'em and you don't know
where they are.
Raquel
Years ago we had a big bust
up when I told them I
wanted to go into show
business. My Dad - he's a
bit old fashioned - he said
some nasty things - you can
imagine.
We see that Del can't imagine.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
So I stormed out, went into
digs and that was the last
contact I had with them -
until now. They got my
address from the landlord
at my old flat. They've
been phoning for the last
couple of weeks but just
kept getting the answer-
machine.
Del
Yeah, a lot of people get
nervous about leaving
messages on them machines.
Raquel
No, they left lots of
messages but the rotten
machine didn't record
them.
Del
I wonder what the bloody
hell's wrong with this
thing. I'll have a
butcher's at it - bound to
be a button or something
on it.
Del moves off to ansaphone and gives it a whack.
Raquel
So I phoned 'em... We had
a nice chat... They seemed
different - sort of,
understanding.
(Now slightly
weepy)
I cried.
Del
(Hugging her)
You silly old thing.
Raquel
My Mum said they'd missed
me.
(Now breaking
down completely)
I told them about Damien.
Del
And?
Raquel
They were pleased. They
seemed really excited they
had a grandson. I told
them all about him. All
the little things he does.
They even wanted to know
what he liked to eat.
Del
D'you tell 'em about me?
Raquel
I mentioned you.
Del
D'you tell 'em what I did?
Raquel
No. There wasn't time. They
just wanted to know about
Damien... They mentioned
going up there at the week-
end - they want to meet
him.
Del
Well, that'll be nice for
Damien as well.
Del now busies himself trying to repair the ansaphone.
Raquel
Yeah...
(Now broaching
a difficult
subject)
The thing is. Well, see, my
Dad's a bit of an old fuddy
-duddy and he hasn't been
well recently...
Del
(Referring to
machine)
Bloody thing!
Raquel
And I think meeting you
might be a bit too much for
him. So, I don't want to
offend you, but d'you mind
if just me and Damien
went?
Del
That's the last time I buy
anything off Ronnie Nelson!
Del now has a terrible thought.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, Mon Dieu,! I've just
remembered, darling. I won't
be able to come with you.
I've gotta go to Covent
Garden and pick up a van
load of vegetables Saturday
morning.
Raquel
Ah, they were really
looking forward to meeting
you as well, never mind.
Del
Alright sweetheart, you
take Damien and have a nice
time. I tell you what, take
the Capri Ghia, let 'em see
their little girl's done
alright for herself.
Raquel
OK. Thanks, Del.
(Kisses him)
I do love you.
Del
Well of course you do, I'm
that sort of bloke. What's
your dad do?
Raquel
He's an antique dealer.
Del
Is he? I tell you what,
down in the garage I've got
a lovely...
Raquel
I'm not taking anything
with me!
Del
Alright then, fair enough,
just a thought. You go on
- build a few bridges.
Raquel
I'll try. I'll make you a
coffee.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Damien enters from the bedroom area.
Del
Here, Damien, guess who
you're gonna see on
Saturday? Your Nan and
your Grandad.
Damien
Have I got a Nan and Gran-
dad?
Del
You have now.
Damien
Did you get 'em for me?
Del
No, they belong to your
Mum. They're lovely, and
they love you. You wait and
see, they'll make a right
fuss of you. Yeah, they're
really nice people.
Damien
What are they called?
Del
(Hasn't got a
clue)
What are they called? Eh?
Em... Nan and Grandad.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE.
There are birthday cards in evidence.
On the sideboard we see a cage which contains a small
white rabbit. Rodney and Cassandra are relaxing on the
settee, drinking champagne whilst listening to music.
Cassandra
Did you feed the rabbit?
Rodney
Yeah, I chucked a carrot in
earlier.
Cassandra
Good.
At this point Rodney is at ease. Cassandra now checks
her watch. We see Rodney's expression change as a cold
fear grip him. Cassandra notices his expression.
Cassandra
Don't worry.
Rodney
I'm not.
Cassandra
It's only once tonight.
Rodney
Right.
Cassandra
Least I think it is.
From the side of the settee she produces a large graph-
type piece of cardboard. It is covered in dates and red
and yellow dots and crosses.
Cassandra
(Cont'd)
Yeah, just the once. Happy
birthday again.
Rodney
Look at Tuesday.
Cassandra
Happy birthday again.
Rodney
Thank you.
They chink glasses. In so doing Rodney's bracelet is
revealed. Cassandra starts laughing at it.
Rodney
Oh leave off, Cass.
Cassandra
Sorry, Rooney.
Rodney
Del's gotta be the only
bloke who could buy a
gold identity bracelet
and take it to a
dyslexic engraver.
Cassandra
You got lots of nice
presents as well.
Rodney
Yeah, I did.
Cassandra
I was talking to Mummy
today and she said, as a
special birthday present
to you, why don't we fly
over to the villa next
week. I'm owed some time
off and Del hasn't given
you a holiday since...
well, he hasn't given
you a holiday! I thought
it might help. You and
me down there on the
Costa Del Sol, sangria
and warm evenings - we
might be able to relax,
and Doctor Carr said
relaxation is very
important in our case.
Rodney
Yeah, sounds good, don't
it? Wait a minute. What
about the rabbit?
Cassandra
Couldn't we give it to
Del?
Rodney
No, he'd eat it!
Cassandra
Aren't there any sort of
kennels? You know a place
that looks after rabbits.
Like a cattery but - well
a rabbitry.
Rodney
A rabbitry? That's a
Chinese toilet! Maybe your
Mum and Dad could look
after it.
Cassandra
Hardly, they'll be at the
villa with us.
Rodney
They'll be there as well?
How are we supposed to
relax and - sort of -
stick with the schedule
with your Mum and Dad
there?
Cassandra
I've figured it all out,
Rodney. We won't do it in
front of them! When we
want to, you know, relax,
we'll go to our bedroom!
What d'you reckon?
Rodney
But they'll be in the
room next to us! I mean,
what about the panting
and screaming and 'Yes,
yes, yes!'
Cassandra
You'll just have to
control yourself.
Rodney
No, it'll never work.
Besides I can't leave Del
now, business ain't going
too well.
Cassandra
I know, I looked at your
account.
Rodney
But we feel we're on the
verge of something.
Cassandra
Yeah, that's what I
thought! Oh come on Rodney,
I was really looking
forward to getting away for
a few days. I've checked
the flights and there are
seats available. Thursday
morning.
Rodney
I can't, Cass. You go.
Cassandra
You don't mind?
Rodney
Of course I don't. Go on,
rest'll do you good.
Cassandra kisses him.
Cassandra
You won't go to this
party Mike's organising,
will you?
Rodney
Of course not! What party?
Cassandra
I don't know, Raquel
mentioned it when she
phoned earlier. I don't
want other women throwing
themselves at you.
Rodney
Cassandra, that is some-
thing you're gonna have to
put up with!
Cassandra
But it'll mean putting our
schedule on ice for a week.
Rodney looks disappointed.
Rodney
'Fraid so... Tch!
We see a look of great relief on Rodney's face.
INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD.
Three days later.
Mike is behind the bar reading the Daily Mirror. It is
a quiet lunch time. The only customers in the bar are
Denzil in working clothes and Boycie in suit and
overcoat who are seated at table reading newspapers.
Marlene is seated at the bar reading a magazine. She is
in full make-up.
Trigger's broom is leaning against the table.
Mike
You both got tickets for
Saturday's party?
Boycie/Denzil
Mmmhh.
Mike
I can tell you're looking
forward to it!
Mike looks to his hot'n'cold food cabinet which is
filled with sausages, chips, pies, slightly curled
sandwiches, etc. He shakes his head sadly at the waste.
Mike
(Cont'd)
Marlene, fancy something
to eat?
Marlene
I do as it happens, Mike.
(To Boycie)
Boycie, shall we pop down
The Harvester in a minute?
Boycie, Marlene and Denzil laugh.
Mike
(A false laugh)
I don't get much trade but
I do have a good laugh!
Bloody 'ell.
Trigger, in road sweeper's uniform, passes on the way to
the table. We should notice that he also sports a small
silver medal on his chest. Mike produces a handful of
tickets.
Mike
(Cont'd)
Trigger. D'you fancy a
ticket? Tenner each.
Trigger
Righto, Mike.
Mike
What d'you mean, 'Righto,
Mike?' You don't even know
what they're for.
Trigger
(As if Mike
is stupid)
Tch! It's bound to tell you
on the ticket, innit?
Mike
Oh yeah, I didn't think of
that. Every year us local
publicans organise a fancy
dress ball. Prizes, the
lot. This year it's old
Harry Malcolm's turn - he's
the landlord at the Crown
and Anchor. He's holding
the party at his house -
he's got a great big place
over Dulwich way.
(Indicating ticket)
See? It's got spot prizes,
everything. Look, top prize
is a brand new stereo
system worth over a
thousand pound.
Trigger
Fancy dress! I've only got
my mohair suit and my best
jumper.
Mike
Perfect!
Mike takes the money.
Trigger
Did I tell you about my
medal?
Mike
Yes, you told me a couple
of times yesterday and
three times this morning.
Trigger
Did I tell you, Marlene?
Marlene
Yes, love. You sent us a
fax last night.
Trigger moves to Boycie and Denzil. Boycie and Denzil
see Trigger coming and try to hide behind their
newspapers. Del and Rodney enter.
Greetings are exchanged as Del and Rodney move to the
bar.
Del
Alright, Mike.
Del turns to Marlene.
Del
(Cont'd)
Wotchyer, sweetheart.
Del touches her up. Boycie reacts.
Marlene
Stop it! Honestly.
Cassandra get off alright?
Rodney
Yeah, I've just come from
the airport.
Marlene
And Raquel's away too,
ain't she? I bet you two'll
be out gallivanting Saturday
night.
Del
Ooh no, we're not like that
anymore. A cup of
Bournvita, plate of toast
and Match Of The Day,
that's us, eh, Rodders?
Rodney
Heaven!
Marlene
(Spotting Rodney's
ID bracelet)
That's nice... 'Rooney?'
Del
No, it's 'Rodney'.
Rodney
It's not an O - it looks
like an O but it's not!
Quiet today, innit?
Del
Yeah, there's more life
in one of his pork pies.
Come on Michael. A pint
of your finest lager-top
for Rodney and a
Manhattan for moi.
Mike
Fancy something to eat,
Del. How about a nice
beef stew?
Rodney looks at the unappetizing fare.
Del
Yeah, that'll keep the
cold out.
Rodney
You should be careful with
the old beef, Del.
Del
Oh leave off, you brass.
Trigger, broom in hand, is passing on way to exit.
Trigger
I don't know what you are
worried about. I've been
eating British beef all my
life.
Del
Sausage and chips, please,
Mike. Rodney?
Rodney
Something that was fresh
this morning.
Rodney moves away.
Del
And a Daily Mirror for
Rodney.
Del and Rodney join Boycie and Denzil. Greetings are
exchanged.
Denzil
Any luck, Del?
Del
Loads of it, all bad! Just
had a word with Paddy the
Greek. You know them 9
carat gold bracel...
Del corrects himself in Rodney's presence.
Del
(Cont'd)
...24 carat gold bracelets
I was selling? I've just
found out they've all been
deported along with
Ugandan Maurice.
Denzil
Why did you trust him with
all that gold in the first
place?
Del
Because he told me he was
an exporter.
Rodney
Yeah, an ex-porter, he just
got the sack from British
Rail.
Del
Life's one long struggle.
Moans of agreement from the others.
Del
(Cont'd)
Sometimes I feel like King
Farouk holding back the
tide. I've got a kid to
think of now.
Denzil
I've got bills coming out
of me ears.
Boycie
I've got Marlene.
Rodney
It's Canute.
Del
You can say that again.
Denzil, Mike and Boycie all agree. Rodney just looks on
as if to say, 'Why do I bother?'
Mike crosses over with food. Marlene follows.
Mike
(Trying to cheer
Del)
D'you wanna buy a ticket
for a publican’s ball?
Del
Only if it's a raffle.
Everyone except Mike laughs.
Mike
Your loss.
Mike returns to the bar.
Denzil
You're right, Del, it
sounds boring.
Rodney
Anyone going?
Denzil
Me.
Boycie
I've got to go, the host
is a fellow mason. Last
year's do was a real good
laugh.
Denzil
I heard it all ended in a
big punch up.
Boycie
Yes it did. But during the
struggle Marlene got a
whack on the nose.
Marlene
And you did nothing about
it, did you?
Boycie
What could I do? You threw
the first punch.
Denzil
(To Marlene)
Were you injured?
Boycie
No, fortunately her make-up
cushioned the blow.
Boycie laughs.
Rodney picks up his pint of lager and examines it.
Rodney
(Panic)
I've just remembered! I was
supposed to take Cassie's
specimen into the clinic
this morning! I've left it
in your kitchen on your
work top.
Del
Well that's alright, take
it tomorrow.
Rodney
No you don't understand.
It's not supposed to be
left in direct sunlight.
You're supposed to find a
cool, dark spot where it
won't be disturbed.
Marlene
How about Boycie's pants?
Everyone laughs, including Boycie - now his laugh dies
as he realises the joke is on him.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
One hour later.
Albert is on the phone to Raquel.
Albert
(On phone)
Yes, everything's fine,
Raquel - although there's
no food in the fridge -
but I'm not complaining.
You just have a nice time,
gel...
We hear the front door slam.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Hold on, I think Del's
back.
Del and Rodney enter - returning from the pub.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Del Boy, Raquel's on the
phone.
Del
Right, thanks, Albert. I'll
take it in the bedroom.
Del exits to the bedroom area.
Albert
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
He's gonna take it in the
bedroom, love. See you
soon, bye.
Albert hangs up.
Albert
(Cont'd)
(To Rodney)
I suppose your
Cassandra'll be there by
now.
Rodney checks his watch on the same wrist as the ID
bracelet.
Rodney
She should have landed by
now. Bloody 'Rooney!'
Albert
I don't know why you wear
an ID bracelet. Men - real
men - didn't wear them in
my day.
Rodney
You used to wear dog-tags
round your neck.
Albert
They were ID necklaces!
Completely different.
Rodney
To be honest, Unc, I
don't wanna wear this
thing but I don't wanna
hurt Del's feelings.
Albert
I understand, boy...
During the war.
Rodney
God!
Albert
I had a mate who had
exactly the same problem.
His Mum had bought him a
gold watch which he hated.
But he didn’t wanna hurt
her feelings. So he had to
find a solution to the
problem.
Rodney
So what's he do?
Albert
One night he went round
all the pubs in Portsmouth
flashing his gold watch
about. On the way back to
the ship he got mugged...
Problem over.
Rodney
That was a good idea,
weren't it?
Albert
There's a lot of mugging
going on round here,
Rodney.
Rodney
Albert, I'm not seriously
considering it as a viable
option! God Almighty! I'll
just have to tell him the
truth.
Albert
Be gentle though.
Albert exits to the kitchen. Rodney begins practicing
breaking the news.
Rodney
Del, about this thing you
gave me for my birthday.
Del
It's a beauty, innit?
We see Del has entered from bedroom area. He takes coat
off.
Rodney
Eh? Yeah... Em, thing is...
Del
I tell you what Raquel and
Damien are having a nice
time. Getting on really
well with her Mum and Dad.
Rodney
Yeah? I didn't know Raquel
had any parents.
Del
Nor did I. They turned up
out of the blue. There was
a bit of a family barney
in the past and now we're
trying to patch things up.
A kiss and a cuddle's all
it takes.
Rodney
Oh, well that's good,
innit? Didn't you want to
go and meet your common-
law in-laws then?
Del
Well, I would have gone
but, to be honest, Raquel
didn't want me to go.
Rodney
What, she told you?
Del
She was having a difficult
time in telling me, so I
made an excuse to let her
off the hook. I think she
thought I might embarrass
her.
Rodney nods in thoughtless agreement.
Rodney
Mmmh...!
(Now corrects
it)
What d'you mean? That's
silly! How could you
possibly embarrass her?
Del
Well, that's what I
thought! Her old man's an
antique dealer. I was
gonna let him have a look
at the Jacobean cine-
camera... She most
probably wants to save me
for later. So, what was
you gonna say about your
bracelet?
Rodney
Eh? Erm, nothing. I'm well
pleased with it.
Del
And you'll never forget
your name will you?
Albert enters from the kitchen.
Albert
(Moaning)
Raquel goes away for a few
days and this flat becomes
a shambles. There's no
food in the fridge, the
veg is on the turn and
that apple-juice is
'orrible. I've eaten
better on a life-raft.
Albert exits to his bedroom.
Del
Shuddup moaning, you old
git! Don't he go on? Apple
juice, what apple juice?
Rodney shrugs. Now a cold fear. Rodney rushes to the
kitchen. He now enters from the kitchen.
Rodney
(Horrified)
It's Cassandra's specimen!
It's gone!
Del
You mean? I don't believe
him!
Rodney
What am I gonna tell
Cassandra?
Del
Tell her it spilt in the
van as you went round a
corner.
Rodney
I can't lie to her, Del.
Del
Alright, tell her Albert
drunk it.
Rodney
I can't tell her that,
can I? It's just one
thing after another.
Del
Yeah, same here. We need
to get out, bruv.
Rodney
How d'you mean?
Del
Well, I've been thinking.
Cassandra's away in
foreign climes and now
Raquel's had it away on
her toes to Milton Keynes.
And what's happening
tomorrow night? It's the
big party, innit? The
publican's ball. So I was
thinking, so while the
mice are away why don't
us cats go out and play.
It'll be like the old
days, Rodney.
Rodney
We're not gonna be pull-
ing birds, are we?
Del
We never pulled birds in
the old days so what
chance we got now? Come
on, what d'you say?
Rodney
Well, it's only harmless
fun, innit?
Del
We'll go for a couple of
hours. A sausage roll, bit
of a grin, that's all. The
top prize this year is a
stereo system worth over a
grand.
Rodney
What'd they give prizes
for?
Del
The best fancy dress.
Rodney
Fancy dress! I'm not
going dressed up like some
zoom!
Del
It's only a laugh! We'll
pop down the fancy-dress
shop in the High Street
and pick something out. I
need you to choose the
right costumes and win us
that top prize. 'Cos
you've got a GCE in art.
I need your creative
input. You're the one
with the flair and the
imagination.
Rodney
I suppose so. Shall I tell
you what I'm imagining
right now? I imagine
you've been planning the
whole thing, ain't you? I
bet that since you knew
Raquel was going away,
you've been planning to
go to that party and try
and win that prize!
Del
If your mother could hear
you now! Is that what you
really think of me? The
woman and child that I
love have gone away for
what will obviously be a
very emotional and
draining weekend - and all
Del Boy can think is,
'Let's go an' jolly it up
and try and win a prize!'
Oh yeah, that's Del Boy,
shallow as a worm's grave.
Rodney
No, what I meant was...
Well, it just seemed a
bit... Alright, I'm sorry.
Del
That's alright then,
apology accepted.
Rodney
Hang on, I've just
remembered. It's an all-
ticket affair.
Del
Don't worry, I bought a
couple as we were leaving.
Del produces two tickets.
Rodney
Ace!
EXT. NIGHT. PECKHAM BACK STREETS.
Del and Rodney are on their way to Harry's fancy-dress
party. We see the three wheeled van pass us - at this
point we don't know what they are going to the party
as.
The van backfires loudly.
We hear conversation from inside the van.
Rodney
(OS)
I feel stupid! I don't
know how we got out of the
estate without being seen.
Del
(OS)
Don't worry, we'll be
there in a minute.
Rodney
(OS)
Yes, but then we've got to
get home dressed like this!
Del
(OS)
Who's gonna see us at five
in the morning?
Rodney
(OS)
Yeah, suppose so. Five in
the morning? You said we're
only going for a couple of
hours.
Del
(OS)
Yes, but you get involved,
don't you?
The van coughs and farts a few times and splutters to a
halt.
Rodney
(OS)
What's happening?
Del
(OS)
There must be something
wrong.
Rodney
(OS)
I wish I was mechanically
minded like you.
Del
(OS)
I'll open the bonnet, you
go an' have a look at the
engine.
Rodney
(OS)
Go an' have a look at the
... I'm not gettin out of
the van dressed like this!
Del
(OS)
No one'll see you. Look,
the street's empty.
Rodney
(OS)
At the moment! But I'll
guarantee you the minute we
step out of this van a
thousand people'll pour out
of a... of a... of a place
where a thousand people
are! You have a look, it's
your van!
Del
(OS)
You tart, Rodney.
We see the driver's door open and Del's foot is covered
in a suede, elf-like bootie. As Del approaches the
bonnet of van we now see him in all his glory. He is
dressed as Batman, complete with hood and cape. He
checks the street and opens the bonnet.
Rodney pops his head out of the open window of
passenger side. He is dressed as Robin, with eye-mask,
etc.
Rodney
See anything?
Del
Gimme a chance. Can't see
a thing here in the dark.
Rodney alights from passenger side and joins Del
cautiously checking that no passer-by will see him
dressed as Robin. Del has removed something from the
top of the engine. He now produces a lighter and
snaps the flame on to give him some light.
Rodney
(Innocently at
this point)
What you looking or?
Del
I'm tryin' to see if the
petrol's getting through
to the carburetor.
We have a few beats before Rodney's eyes widen in
horror. He leaps back.
Rodney
You idiot! You could blow
us to kingdom come!
Del
Don't be daft! There's no
petrol coming through, is
there. There's a blockage,
that's why we've broken
down. Quick. Back in the
van, I don't want people
seeing you dressed like
that - you look like a
right plonker.
They both scamper back into the van.
INT. NIGHT. THE VAN.
Del
(Almost as if
it's Rodney's
fault)
What are we gonna do now,
eh?
Rodney
I don't know, Derek! We are
sat in the middle of
Peckham at 10.30 at night
dressed up as Batman and
Robin! You - you chose
these costumes! I wanted to
go as The Blues Brothers!
Del
Rodney, we'd have still
broken down and been in
this embarrassing
situation, wouldn't we?
Rodney
Oh yeah! We'd have both
been wearing suits and ties
- right couple of zooms
we'd have looked.
Del
But we'd never have won
first prize as The Blues
Brothers!
Rodney
At least we could have
walked home!
Del
Stop moaning. We've got to
think of a way out of this.
Rodney
Alright, let's think about
it.
Rodney produces a mobile phone.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
We phone the RAC.
Del
Yes, ask to be put through
to their 'Broken Down
Whilst Dressed As A Couple
Of Prats' department?
Rodney
Alright then, the police?
Del
The police? We'd never
live it down, Rodney. Our
lives would be hell! We'd
have to emigrate.
Rodney
At this particular moment
in time, that doesn't
sound a bad alternative.
Del
There's always been a way,
Rodney. Let's sit here and
think.
Rodney
The pubs'll be chucking
out soon. They'll tear us
to shreds.
Del
Tell you what, old Harry's
house is nearer than any
other place. If we run we
could be there in five
minutes.
Rodney
But we'll be seen! People
on buses, people in
restaurant windows.
Del
No. Not if we go through
the back streets and the
alleys. All you got down
there are winos and
crackheads and let's face
it, they see Batman and
Robin every night of the
week. Come on, we can do
it.
Rodney
Five minutes?
Del
Five minutes if we hurry.
Rodney
Oh jeez!
EXT. NIGHT. BACK STREETS/TOWN HALL.
This is a street that runs along the back of the town hall.
Parked opposite, and close to the corner of an alley is a
modern car. The back door to the town hall is opened by a
commissionaire and Councillor Murray exits, carrying a
handbag and briefcase.
Cllr Murray
I'm going now Tom.
Commissionaire
I'll see you out. Goodnight,
Councillor Murray.
Cllr Murray
Goodnight, Tom.
The door closes and Councillor Murray makes her way across
the road to her car.
She stops at the driver's door and opens her handbag for
the car keys At this point Dawn (the girl member of the
mugging gang) rushes round corner, apparently in a wild
panic.
Dawn
Sorry, Miss, you seen a
policeman round here?
Cllr Murray
No, I haven't!
Immediately Gary (the leader) steps out from behind a
corner.
Gary
Good! Giss your money!
Cllr Murray
What are you doing?
(Calls)
Tom!
The other members of the gang, Scott and Kevin, have now
appeared and the mugging begins.
Cllr Murray
Help!
Scott
Someone shut her up!
Gary
Get her handbag!
Dawn puts her hand round Councillor Murray's mouth. Scott now
sees something up the road that makes him freeze in
incredulity. He nudges Gary.
Scott
Gary!
He gestures up the road.
Gary looks and freezes. Dawn and Kevin and now Councillor
Murray all do likewise. We see from their POV, two hundred
yards away, Batman and Robin are running towards them.
Gary
(Incredulously)
What's happening?
Cllr Murray
(Terrified, to the
rest of the gang)
I haven't the faintest idea!
Gary
(Terrified, to the
rest of the
gang)
Go!
The gang run off leaving Councillor Murray open-mouthed in
disbelief.
Batman and Robin now rush past her. Batman now stops - Robin
stops a bit further on.
Del
Councillor Murray?
Cllr Murray
(Frightened)
Yes.
Del
I recognise you from your
photograph. Derek Trotter.
You remember I wrote to
you sometime ago about
a...
Rodney
Del, let's go!
Del
Yes. Well, sorry, must
dash. Maybe another time?
Batman and Robin rush off.
Councillor Murray watches them, still in total shock.
INT. NIGHT. HALLWAY OF BIG HOUSE.
The door to the main room is closed. All we can hear is the
sound of polite, muted conversation. The front door bell
rings. Boycie exits from the main room. He is dressed in a
black two-piece suit, white shirt and a black kipper tie.
He opens the front door and Del and Rodney enter.
At first Boycie is surprised, but he now allows himself a
little smile.
Del
Oh Boycie, let us in, will
you?
Boycie
What have you two come as
then?
Rodney
(Innocently)
Batman and Robin.
Del
Ignore him, Rodders. Just
ignore him. Where is every-
one?
Boycie
(Pointing to
main room)
Straight through there, Caped
Crusader.
Del
You ain't gonna win nothing
dressed like that.
(To Rodney)
Amazing, innit? We've come as
Batman and Robin and Boycie's
come as the Penguin...
Del and Rodney moves towards the door. (checking themselves
in a mirror first)
Boycie
(Quietly)
Oh no, Del Boy - not the
Penguin - more like the
Joker.
INT. NIGHT. MAIN ROOM OF BIG HOUSE.
We find a crowd of people of various ages and colours sipping
drinks and engaged in polite conversation. They are all
dressed in black - this is in fact a wake.
Mike approaches Kenny, Harry (the host's) son. Kenny is 50.
Mike
Kenny. Mike from the
Nag's Head. I was really
cut-up yesterday when I
heard about your Dad.
Still, at least he
didn't suffer.
Kenny
No. He had a good
innings and he'd have
been well chuffed to
see all his family and
friends turn up for his
wake like this.
Now the double doors from the hall open and Del and Rodney
enter.
Del/Rodney
Da da da da da da da da.
Rodney stops singing as he sees the crowd.
Del
Da da da Batman! Da da
da...
The song dies on Del's lips.
Boycie has followed them in.
Boycie
Derek. Harry died yesterday.
Del
He di...! Why didn't you
tell us that out there in
the hall instead of
letting us run in here
like that?
Rodney
Yeah. We were going da da
da da and all that!
Boycie
It completely slipped my
mind completely. Strange
what grief can do.
Boycie now laughs but realises it is out of place.
Boycie exits into the crowd. Del and Rodney remain for a
moment looking and feeling very silly. Now Kenny approaches.
Kenny
Del. I don't know if you
remember me. I'm Kenny,
Harry's son.
Del
Yeah, course I remember
you.
Kenny
I phoned round everyone to
tell 'em the party was off.
I left four or five
messages on your answer
machine. Obviously you
didn't get 'em.
Rodney
No, the machine’s been play-
ing up.
Del
I'm gonna get shot of that
bloody machine. Look,
Kenny, I'm sorry about all
this.
Kenny
Don't be silly. The old
man's most probably up
there now having a bloody
good laugh at you all.
You'll stay, won't you?
Del
Oh yeah, of course.
Kenny
Grab yourself a drink and
something to eat.
Del
Alright, cheers.
Kenny moves into the crowd. Denzil appears.
Denzil
Didn't you know Harry had
died?
Del
Of course we knew Harry had
died! That's why we've come
dressed as Batman and
Thingy!
Rodney
Robin.
Del
Yeah! I suppose the prize-
giving's off now?
Rodney
I love him. Bloody love him.
Trigger arrives wearing a black suit, white shirt and black
tie. He approaches Del and Rodney and makes no reaction to
the way they are dressed.
Trigger
Alright Del, Dave. Bit of a
choker, innit, old Harry
popping off like that?
Rodney
Yeah. We didn't know the
fancy dress party had been
cancelled.
Trigger
Me either.
Rodney
You mean, that's your
costume?
Trigger
Yeah, I come as a chauffer.
I feel a bit stupid now.
Del
Yeah, you do stand out a
bit. I'll get us a drink.
Trigger
I don't think you and Del
would have won first
prize.
Rodney
No?
Trigger
No. You're alright, but
Del don't look nothing
like Tonto.
EXT. DAY. THE MARKET. LOCATION.
A week later.
Del has the suitcase open on the ground. We see it is full of
red riding helmets and the baseball caps. Rodney is close by
leaning against the frame of one of the stalls and reading the
Peckham Echo. The headline reads: 'Councillor Murray
Breathalised After Mugging Claim'.
Sub headline reads: 'Batman and Robin saved me, claims the town
hall chief'. Del is already bored with the rejection of his
wares and it tells in his voice.
Del
(Fed up)
Aerodynamic cycling helmets.
Del taps one for us to hear a metallic sound.
Del
(Cont'd)
As worn by Chris Boardman -
and his cousin Stan...
Baseball caps. Look at
that, beautiful. Straight
from LA , as worn by MC
Hammer... Buy the kid one
for Christmas. Unisex
baseball caps, designed
especially for your sons or
daughters - or your
Rottweiler goldfish.
Baseball caps. I can't see
us doing a lot of business
today. Let's sling it all
in the van and go home.
As Del turns back to the suitcase, etc, we see four lads (about
6-17 years of age) are studying the baseball caps. The four
lads all wear back-to-front baseball caps.
Del
D'you wanna buy one?
1st Lad
We've already got baseball
caps.
Del
Not like these you ain't.
These are a brand new
design straight from Los
Angeles.
The 2nd lad studies the inside of the cap.
2nd Lad
It says here 'Made in
Taiwan'.
Del
Yes, made in Taiwan but
designed in America. The
Bloods and the Cripps are
wearing these, they're
all the go over there.
1st Lad
Yeah? What's so special
about 'em? They don't look
any different.
Del
Haute Couture is obviously
not your strong point, is
it. I'll show you.
He directs the first lad to a small mirror which is hanging on
the end of the stall. Del removes the lad's back-to-front
baseball cap and places the new one on his head - but he
places it with the peak in front.
Del
See, with these one's the
peak is at the front!
We see Rodney has now noticed something in another part of the
market. We see an elderly lady standing close to a stall and
putting her purse back into her handbag. We also see the three
men and a girl mugging team are close by and eyeing her.
Dawn moves in and asks the old lady the time. The boys move in
closer.
Rodney
Del! Have a look.
Del
What's up?
We now see Scott and Kevin crowd the old lady, Gary (the
leader) grabs the old lady's handbag and pulls it from her.
In the struggle the old lady falls to the ground. The gang
disperse. We concentrate on Gary with the handbag.
Del
Get after him, Rodney!
Rodney
Right!
Rodney dashes off in pursuit.
Del closes his suitcase and chases after Rodney. We see the
old lady on the ground and in shock, being comforted by some
women shoppers.
Rodney dashes past. Del now arrives with his suitcase and
stops.
Del
(To Old Lady)
You alright, darling?
Old Lady
Little buggers have nicked
me handbag, son. My bloody
arse is hurting as well.
Del
You just take it easy. Call
the police and an ambulance
for her.
Del dashes off.
EXT. DAY.LONDON STREETS.
We have two streets running parallel with each other. Between
them are three smaller streets which join both main streets.
We see Rodney is chasing Gary (with the handbag) towards the
upper of the two main streets. Gary turns left and now begins
to run along main upper main street with Rodney in pursuit.
We find Del, with the suitcase, at the lower main street. He
looks up along the first adjoining street and, at top of
street, he sees Gary rush along the street and out of sight,
immediately followed by Rodney. Rodney runs along the next
adjoining street and, at the top of the street, he witnesses
the same scene. We now cut to upper street where we see
Rodney in pursuit.
Gary turns off street and Rodney follows.
EXT. DAY. AN ENCLOSED GARAGE BLOCK OR FACTORY YARD.
The now exhausted Gary runs into a garage block or factory
yard and finds all escape routes are cut off.
An exhausted Rodney now appears at the entrance. Rodney
smiles confidently knowing Gary is cornered. A 'gotcha'
smile. The trapped Gary looks around him desperately. He now
looks at Rodney and his confidence begins growing. His face
becomes more aggressive. Rodney's smile dies as he realises
Gary is a lot tougher than him. Gary steps towards Rodney.
Rodney takes a step back. Gary starts to move forward.
Rodney runs. We cut to Del still at lower street. He looks
up the adjoining street and is amazed to see the whole scene
reversed. Rodney dashes across the street being pursued by
Gary.
Del runs back to the second adjoining street and sees the
scene repeated. We now see Rodney running along upper main
street and turning right whilst being pursued by Gary. We
see Rodney hurtling back towards market with Gary in
pursuit.
In the distance we can hear a police siren.
We come to a corner which is angled by solid and high brick
walls. Rodney rushes past the corner. As Gary is about to run
past the corner so Del's suitcase appears at head height.
Gary runs headfirst into it and collapses in a unconscious
heap. (we hear a metallic crash as his head hits the suitcase
- the riding helmets)
Del now appears from behind corner of the wall.
Del
(To Gary)
Whoops-a-daisy.
Rodney
Right, you've had your fun
and games sunshine! Consider
yourself nicked.
A young policeman appears on the scene.
Del
It's alright, officer. I
caught him, he's over there.
PC
Thank you, sir.
(Out of frame)
Come on, you 'orrible little
sod.
We now hear and then see (as they come into frame) that the PC
has grabbed Rodney.
Rodney
(OOV)
No, no!
(In vision)
Not me!
Del
No, it's the other one!
PC
Sorry!
The PC grabs Gary and searches him. From out of Gary's pocket
he pulls three watches.
PC
(Cont'd)
Ooh, you ca tell the time
can you?
(Producing a
purse)
You don't look like the
type of person to carry a
purse!
From the other pocket the PC produces a gold ID bracelet.
PC
(Cont'd)
God, no taste! And is your
name 'Rooney?'
Del
No, hang on, that's my
brother's.
(To Rodney)
How’s it get in there?
Rodney
It must have slipped off
during the struggle.
PC
I'll have to take state-
ments from you two. If
you wouldn't mind
following me down to the
station.
Del
Of course, officer.
The PC leads Gary off to the police car.
Rodney
Well, what about that!
We're a couple of fine
upstanding citizens, Derek.
Del
Catelogue raisonne as they
say in Beritz. Better
leave your bracelet in the
van, Rodney. Don't wanna
be seen in a police-
station wearing that!
INT. DAY. TOWN HALL. LOCATION.
Three weeks later.
A small crowd of people including Raquel, Cassandra, Albert
and a disgruntled Rodney are witnessing Del's medal ceremony.
Rodney is unhappy that Del is getting all the praise. The
mayor is coming towards the end of his speech.
Mayor
We read and we hear about
so-called have-a-go-heroes,
but we very rarely have the
honour of meeting one.
Well, I'm proud to say that
here, in Peckham, we have
our very own have-ago-hero.
At this point we see Councillor Murray enter the hall late.
She begins a whispered conversation with one of her aides.
Mayor
And so it's my greatest
honour and privilege to
present this medal for
bravery to Derek Trotter.
There is applause.
Councillor Murray reacts upon hearing Del's name.
Cllr Murray
(To Aide)
That's Batman!
She moves out of shot leaving a bewildered aide. A press photo-
grapher appears.
Press
Mr Trotter, could I have
a couple of pictures?
Del
Mange oui, of course.
As Del is having his pictures taken, Rodney appears next to
him.
Rodney
How comes I didn't get a
medal? I did all the
running.
Del
Yes, but you were running
away from him!
Rodney
I wasn't 'running away'
from him actually. I was
just luring him.
Del
Well you weren't half
luring him fast! You came
past me like Linford
Christie - minus he poodle
he keeps down his shorts.
Press
(To Rodney)
Could you mind out of the
way please, sir...
Del
Yes. Mind out of the way.
You're casting a shadow.
Rodney returns to the family.
Cassandra
Why didn't you get a medal,
Rodney?
Rodney
They offered me one but I
said I wanted to remain
anonymous.
Cassandra
(Impressed)
Ohh.
She kisses Rodney. As she does so Rodney catches Raquel's eye.
Raquel just smiles knowingly.
As Del is about to join the family, Councillor Murray arrives.
Cllr Murray
Mr Trotter. Councillor
Murray. We met, the night
you were dressed as Batman.
Del
(Terrified Raquel
might hear)
Oh yes, that's right.
Cllr Murray
I've never been so fright-
ened in all my life.
Del
It was only a costume.
Cllr Murray
No, I mean terrified of
that awful gang of muggers.
At least they're all behind
bars now, thanks to you. If
ever there's anything I can
do for you, please don't
hesitate to call.
Del
Oh really, it was nothing.
Murray walks away. Del suddenly realises there is something
she can do for him.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, Councillor Murray. As a
matter of fact there may be
a little something you
could help me with. Can we
talk?
Cllr Murray
Of course.
Del
Cushty!
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.NIGHT.
Rodney, Cassandra, Raquel and Albert are dressed up in their
finest for the family celebration. Albert wears all his
medals. They all have glasses of champagne except for
Cassandra who has a glass of orange juice. Rodney is reading
the front page of the Peckham Echo. The headline reads: 'The
Hero Who Fought Crime - And Won!'
Beneath this is a picture of Del receiving his medal from
the Mayor and Councillor Murray.
Rodney
We'd better cut this one
out for the family album.
A Trotter's never won a
medal before... Well,
Albert's won three of four
dozen.
Cassandra
Why'd they use the word
'man'? They could have
mentioned Rodney.
Rodney looks at her, injured by this slight upon his
masculinity.
Raquel
Yeah, Rodney was there as
well.
Albert
They do mention him. Here
you are, 'Mr Trotter was
aided in the capture of
the muggers by his younger
brother, Rooney.'
Rodney
(Reacts)
Bloody Rooney!
We hear a champagne cork pop in the kitchen. Del, wearing the
medal, enters with another bottle of champagne.
Del
Here we go, fill your
glasses, I'd like to say a
little something on this
auspicious occasion. We
are not just celebrating
me becoming the first
Trotter to win a medal
without getting wet. This
is in fact a double
celebration.
Cassandra
(To Rodney)
You told them!
Rodney
I didn't honest! I swear!
How d'you lot find out?
Raquel
Find out what?
Cassandra
You mean you don't know?
Raquel
No, but I'm starting to
put two and two together.
Rodney
Alright. Let me just say
that if, in the near
future, anyone wants to
buy Cassandra and I some
Mothercare vouchers, they
will come in bloody handy!
Del punches the air.
Del
Yes my son, we have scored!
Rodney also punches the air.
Rodney
And it was a beauty!
Raquel
I don't believe... When
d'you find out?
Cassandra
We had it confirmed this
afternoon!
Del and Rodney are now dancing an impromptu knees up and
singing.
Del/Rodney
'Three lions on a shirt,
Jules Rimet still
gleaming...'
Albert
(Shaking Rodney's
hand)
I'm really pleased for you,
son. I know you've been
through hell to get there.
Rodney
Sssh shhh shhh!
Del
Oh, a little cousin for
Damien to play with.
Rodney
Yeah!
Raquel
Wait a minute. You said
this was a double
celebration before you found
out about Cassandra being
pregnant. So what else
were we celebrating?
Del
That's right. This is now a
treble celebration. You
know I was turned down by
the council on my home
improvement grant? Well,
they changed their minds.
Del produces a cheque.
Del
(Cont'd)
Look, they sent me a cheque
for five grand.
Raquel
They gave you five thousand
pounds.
Rodney is studying the cheque.
Rodney
(Knowingly)
Signed by Councillor Murray.
Del
That's right.
(A big grin)
Not a bad old world is it,
bruv?
Rodney
(A big grin)
Getting better all the
time, Del Boy.
They clink their glasses.
Del
Lovely jubbly.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.