Only Fools And Horses

Fatal Extraction

INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. There is a Christmas tree and a few decorations in the background. The table is laid for breakfast with all the usual condiments plus a half-full plastic bottle of tomato ketchup. Damien, in his jim-jams, is seated in a high-chair eating scrambled eggs and beans. Albert is seated at the table reading the Daily Mirror - headlines read: 'Peckham Riots!' sub-headline; 'an excuse for looting, say police'. An icy Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying two plates of sausage, egg and baked beans. She slams the plates down on the table which makes Albert jump in fear of this angry woman. She opens the door to bedroom area and calls. Raquel (Angrily) Derek!!! Your breakfast has been on the table for the last fifteen minutes! Raquel returns to table. Raquel (Sweetly to Damien) Is that nice? Albert Yes, thank you. Raquel I was talking to Damien! Albert squeezes some ketchup onto his plate and the plastic bottle makes that awful, squelchy farting sound. Raquel Next time you do the shopping, buy the ketchup in a glass bottle! And another thing Albert, will you please stop boiling your old vests and pants out on our cooker? This is almost the twenty-first century and we have washing machines for that sort of thing! Albert Look, Raquel, why are you angry at me? I'm not the one who's been coming home late every night! I'm always here in the flat. Raquel (Icily) Yes! Aren't you just? Raquel exits to kitchen. Del enters from bedrooms area. He yawns and then holds his aching jaw. Del Good morning, Unc. Albert Morning. Del Bloody tooth! (To Damien) Hello, Champ! Good morning! How are you this morning? This looks really good, dunnit, eh? Albert You're in trouble, son. Raquel's on the warpath. Del Oh, she don't frighten me, Albert. I've handled much more violent women than her. Raquel enters from kitchen. Del (Cont'd) Good morning, sweetheart. Any calls for me last night, was there? Raquel I haven't a clue - I went to bed early! Why don't you get yourself an answering machine, Derek? Del An answering machine, good idea darling, yes, just what the business needs is an ansaphone. Especially seeing as you're too exhausted to do it these days. (Before Raquel can answer) I tell you what, Damien's getting a bit big for that high chair - look at him, he'll be starting work soon. Raquel There's nothing wrong with the high-chair. Del Exactly! No, that is in very good nick. I might get a few quid for that. I think I'll put an ad in the local news- agents. Raquel What time d'you get in last night? Del Me? Oh, er, 'bout... quarter past twelve. Raquel It was twenty to two. Del Was it? The battery's going in this watch. Raquel So, where were you? Del I went down the Nag's Head and had a swift half, and then I had to go and meet someone in the casino. Raquel Oh? That's a relief. For a minute there I was worried you might be squandering our money. Albert How much d'you win, son? Del (Quietly) Shuddup! Raquel Don't be silly, Albert. Del doesn't know what winning is! Eat your breakfast, Del. Del I thought you said all this fried stuff was bad for my veins. Raquel Eat your breakfast Del. Raquel exits to kitchen. Albert She's not happy, son! Del Well, she's a woman, isn't she? Anyway, it takes me mind of me tooth. Albert I don't know! What with you and poor Rodney. He's starting to look ashen- faced, ain't he? Del He does look a bit cream- crackered of late. Don't worry, I'll have a word with him, I usually manage to sort out his problems. Del squeezes ketchup onto his plate accompanied by the farting sound. There is no reaction from Albert. INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE. Phone conversation intercut with Trotters kitchen at the same time. The phone rings. Cassandra (On phone) Hello? We intercut between Raquel (on cordless phone in the Trotters' kitchen) and Cassandra. Raquel (On phone) Cassandra? It's Raquel. Can you talk? Rodney's not there, is he? Cassandra (On phone) No, he's left for work. Raquel I just phoned to see what the doctor said last night? Cassandra (On phone) Oh, she was ever so nice. Basically, she said not to worry. She's got three couples on her books who've been trying for babies for over a year, so, Rodney and I are almost rookies. I've got to take my temperature hourly, keep a chart, all the usual stuff. Oh, and she's given me some exercises that are supposed to strengthen the muscles. Raquel (On phone) Have you abandoned that, erm 'schedule' thing she worked out for you? I don't know how either of you kept up the pace! It sounded excessive for Mel Gibson and his wife let alone you and Rodney! Cassandra (On phone) No, I've decided to continue with that. I know it hasn't worked, but Rodney's enjoyed himself trying! They both laugh. EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET/BUS PASSING/BUS INTERIOR. We cut inside the bus where we see Rodney wearing work- ing clothes. He appears depressed, put upon and almost asleep. Behind him we see Mickey Pearce stand and move up the aisle to alight from bus. Mickey Alright, Rodney? Rodney Yeah alright, Mick. Mickey What you been up to? You look like some vampire's been having a go at you! Rodney I'm fine, thank you very much! Mickey You weren't involved in that riot on the estate the other night, were you? Rodney No, I was not! As if I'd get involved in a riot! Mickey You don't look well! Mickey turns to talk to an old lady behind him - every- one's aunt sort of thing. Mickey (Cont'd) He look's shagged out, don't he, love? Lady (To Rodney) You don't look well, dear. Rodney There's nothing wrong with me, alright? INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM/TROTTERS' FLAT. Continuation of phone conversation. Cassandra (On phone) Raquel, you haven't mention- ed this baby business to Del, have you? Raquel (On phone) Of Course not! Cassandra (On phone) Rodney thinks we ought to choose the right time to tell him. Raquel (On phone) I'll leave it to you. Cassandra (On phone) How are things with you and Del? Raquel (On phone) Much the same. He didn't get in 'til twenty to two this morning. Cassandra Why don't you ask Rodney to find out what's happening? Raquel (On phone) Because I'm a bit frightened of what the answer might be. I think the first flush of fatherhood and domesticity has cooled and he's gone back to his old ways - down the pubs and casinos with his stupid mates! Raquel hears a noise in the living room Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) Oh, I'll have to go, someone's coming. Talk to you soon. Bye. Raquel switches the phone off. Del enters the kitchen. Del He's dropped a load of beans on the carpet. Raquel Well, why don't you wipe them up? Del Me? No, let the old git wipe 'em up himself! Raquel Oh, Albert! Del Have you spoken to Cassandra recently? Raquel No. Del Well, when you do can you find out if there's anything wrong between her and Rodders. Raquel Don't go interfering in their lives, Del! Del Eh? He's my young brother, I've got a right to interfere. If they've got a problem, I just wanna help out. Raquel laughs at the irony of Del's last statement. Raquel Oh, God! That is the best yet! Raquel exits to lounge. Cut to lounge. Raquel enters. She picks up Damien from his chair. Raquel Come on, time for your wash. Albert starts to exit thinking Raquel is talking to him. Raquel (Cont'd) Not you, Albert! If you're doing this to annoy me, it's not working! Albert returns. Del enters from the kitchen. Del Makes you wonder whether it's all worth while, don't it, Unc? Albert If you say so... Albert exits to hall. Del now reacts as his bare foot lands in the small pile of baked beans. Del (To himself) You mucky old sod! Albert enters from the hall carrying a small leaflet. Albert I picked this up at the library yesterday. We see the front page of the leaflet which bears the single word 'Relate'. Del Relate? Albert It's the new word for marriage guidance. I didn't know if it'd be any good to you. Del Yeah. Oh, thanks very much, Unc. Actually, it's just the sort of thing I'm looking for, this. Albert turns his back and moves to armchair and so doesn't see Del using the leaflet to wipe the beans from his foot. Del (Cont'd) I'm just gonna go and make a private phone call. Del exits to kitchen and closes the door behind him. INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM/TROTTER FLAT. Cassandra is on the bed, doing exercises. The phone rings. We intercut between Del (in kitchen) and Cassandra. Cassandra (On phone) Hello? Del (On phone) Oh, hello Cassandra, It's Del Boy. How are you, sweetheart? Cassandra (On phone) Oh fine, thanks. Del (On phone) Cushty. Look Cassandra, I don't want to interfere or anything like that, but I'm a little bit worried about young Rodders. Well, he seems to be a bit worried - he's not his old self. And I just wondered if there was anything I could do to help? Cassandra (On phone) Look, if you must know, Del, Rodney and I are trying for a baby. Del (On phone) Yeah alright, I'll get off the phone then, alright! Cassandra No! not right now! Rodney's not even here, he left half an hour ago. Del Blimey, he left half an hour ago, and you're still panting? Cassandra (On phone) I'm in the middle of my exercises! Del (On phone) Oh! Your exercises? I see what you mean! I thought that you... well, never mind what I thought. But look, I can't help you unless you let me know what is happening. Cassandra (Hands over the mouthpiece) Oh God! Cut to Trotters' lounge. Rodney enters from front door. Rodney Alright? Rodney flops down on the settee. Rodney (Cont'd) Where is everyone? Albert Raquel's seeing to the little 'un and Del's in the kitchen making a private phone call. Rodney Who to? Albert I think it's the marriage guidance people. Rodney But him and Raquel aren't married. Albert I know, but they row, don't they? I'll make you a new pot of tea, son. Rodney Oh, yeah, cheers. Albert exits to the kitchen. He leaves the kitchen door open. We see Del in the kitchen talking on the phone. He has his back to us. He wanders in and out of shot but never sees that Rodney is present. Del (On phone) No, you see, the thing is, you know that a man, well a man, any man can lose his... his drive. Cassandra (On phone) Rodney hasn't lost his drive! Rodney, believing Del is talking to a Relate counselor, can't believe what he's hearing. He gets up and moves nearer kitchen door. Del (On phone) No, no, no, I'm not saying that is happening, no. But what I'm saying is that, you know, a man, can, well you know, lose his... oomph. Rodney is silently laughing. Del (Cont'd) And naturally, you see, she becomes disappointed and frustrated. But that's not necessarily the man's fault, is it, eh? Del closes the door. Raquel enters from bedrooms area. Rodney Morning Raquel. Raquel Oh morning, Rodney. Where's Del? Rodney He's on the phone. Raquel Who to? Rodney Dunno! So, how's life treat- ing you? Raquel How's life treating me? D'you mean besides him coming at all hours of the morning, spending every spare hour with his mates down the pub and wasting our money in that casino? Rodney Yeah. Raquel Well, I'll give you an example of how life's treating me, Rodney. Have you seen what's inside my wardrobe? Rodney No. Raquel Well, not to put too fine a point on it, the only times my clothes look fashionable is when I'm watching UK Gold! Now, a short while ago, Del happened to mention that he had a contact in the rag trade. This fella could get the very latest in fashion and all the top designer-labels. Christmas was approaching, and Del asked me what I'd like. 'Anything you want, sweet- heart, just name it'. So, I little number by Bruce Oldfield. (Holding up an LP cover) He got me Tubular Bells! Rodney That's Mike Oldfield! Raquel I know! Cut back to kitchen. Del (On phone) Yeah, now all you've got to do, sweetheart, is you just take your time and you'll have a lovely healthy baby. Just like my Damien, nine pounds, he was, yeah. I remember the day he was born. Yeah, of course, me and Raquel, you know, haven't given up hope of doing it again sometime. Albert exits to kitchen and leaves the door open. Cassandra (On phone) What's a baby's weight got to do with it? Del, on phone, is loud enough for Rodney to hear. Del No, no, no, It doesn't matter how big it is, does it? Rodney turns away to hide his laughter from Raquel. Raquel (Calls) Who are you talking to? Del Cassandra! Rodney Get off that phone! Del Morning, Rodders! Rodney grabs the phone away from Del. Rodney (On phone) Cassandra, why are you doing discussing our private life with him? I don't care. This'll be all over the Nag's Head by dinner time! Del has exited to the lounge. Del (To Raquel) That's the thanks I get! Raquel I thought you'd have been used to it by now! EXT. DAY. THE COUNCIL ESTATE. FILM. Three minutes later. All around we have evidence of the recent riot. The shells of burnt out cars still smouldering, rocks and broken glass are strewn across the roads, some of the ground floor flats have their windows boarded and somewhere we see the sad remains of a large communal Christmas tree now black and burnt. The three wheel van passes us and bumps over the stones, etc. Del They still ain't cleared this place up yet, have they? Rodney Not a lot of point. I've heard they're expecting another riot. They reckon anything could set it off. Del I Heard they're thinking of twinning this estate with Jurassic Park! Del and Rodney both laugh. Del (A sudden tooth pain) Caw, bloody hell! Rodney You wanna go somewhere with that tooth. Del I go everywhere with it, don't I? It's stuck in me bloody head! Rodney I meant the dentist! Del Yes, I will. Rodney Can I switch the radio on? Del Yeah, go on then, alright. Rodney switches the radio on. We hear the song 'One Voice'. Del sings along with a couple of bars. Del (Cont'd) Do you know, this is Raquel's most favourite number? Rodney Yeah? Can I switch it off? Del No, leave it... Every time I hear this number you know it always reminds me of my Raquel. Yeah, go on. Switch it off. INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE. The last verse or so of 'One Voice' is playing on Sid's radio. Denzil and Trigger, in working clothes, are at counter talking to Sid. Sid hands Denzil a bowl of porridge. Sid There you go, Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold morning. Denzil Cheers, Sid. (Handing Sid money) There's a hair in this. Denzil pulls the hair out of his porridge. Sid Give it here. Sid takes the hair and flicks it behind the counter. Denzil There's another one! Sid Hang on. Denzil That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this they'd close you down! Sid I've been closed down for a lot worse than that, Denzil! (To Trigger) I hate these politically correct people! Trigger Yeah. Sid What're you having, Trig? Trigger I'll try some of that porridge. Del and Rodney enter. Del Just a cup of tea for me, Rodney. Rodney moves to counter. Rodney Two teas, Sid. Trigger Alright, Dave? Rodney Yeah, alright, Trig. Denzil Don't have the porridge, Rodney. I've just found hairs in mine. Sid It was only two hairs! Denzil That's enough, isn't it? Del Maybe there's a sporran in it. Denzil So how's it going, Del? You got all your Christmas presents? Del No, not yet. Damien wants a pet. Denzil I didn't think the council allowed pets. Del No, a little one, you know, like a rabbit or a guinea- pig, something like that. Trigger and Rodney join them. Trigger How's it going, Del? Del Don't ask, Trig. Denzil Things still the same then, eh? Del Yeah, still giving me strife. Trigger Yeah, it's a bitch, innit? Del (Surprised by Trigger's tone) Well, that's stronging it a bit, Trig! Trigger No, you're too soft, Del! I've been in exactly the same boat as you have. D'you know what I done? I got shot of it! Denzil Look? Trig, it's not as simple as just get shot of 'it'. Rodney No, Del loves... Well, a strong bond exists, doesn't it Del? Del Yeah. We've been together a long time. Trigger And you're just gonna get more and more aggro! I know how you feel. You become attached to 'em, give 'em little pet names. I've done it. But take my advice, Del, Get down the dentists and have it out. Del Oh, my tooth!? Trigger It's best in the long run, Del. Try my dentist, he's good, I've been going to him for years. Del Yeah, alright. I might try that, Trig. Denzil Trig, we were talking about Del and Raquel! (To Del) Are you having rows? Rodney He's never there to find out, are you? Del No. She's still talking to me - unfortunately! I'll never understand the workings of a woman's mind. I suppose that's why I gave up trying in the end. (To Rodney) 'Ere, who was that bird I used to go out with? Rodney Which one? Del Cor, what was her name? Trigger What's she look like? Del She was a redhead. Denzil One of the redheads... Pauline? Del No. Rodney Veronique from Woolworths? Del No. Trigger Janine? Del Her? Rodney Marian? Del Who's Marion? Rodney I don't know. You meet her up Catford Dog Track, you bought her a ring. Del Oh yeah. No, not her! No, no, who am I thinking about? What was her name? Her dad was a tattooist. She had this tattoo of a heart with a dagger going through it on her thigh. Rodney Don't ring a bell. Del Well, you would have only been about two. What was her name? She worked in a betting shop down Lewisham Grove. Trigger A betting shop... Denzil Down Lewisham Grove. Del Look, it don't matter. I went out with her for - it must of been a month! Actually, she was going steady with another bloke at the time, but it didn't worry me! Made it more exciting. Well, she was a sporting girl - a good all- rounder you know what I mean? Well, I'd saved up me money, right, to take her on holiday - it was gonna be really exotic. You know, the holiday of a lifetime. When all of a sudden, right out of the blue, for no reason, she packed me in. And yet, the night before, I'd taken her home to meet me Mum and Dad for the first time. Rodney Yeah? Del So, the next day I went down the betting shop, you know, to have a chat, take her out for lunch an' all that. And they said that she weren't there, but I knew that she was 'cos I saw her crash helmet hanging up on the hook. You know where I found her? She was hiding on the roof. She said she was sunbathing. Denzil Well, maybe she was sun- bathing. Del Na, it was a sloping roof. I mean, there she was, with her back against the tiles and her Stilettos jammed in the gutter. She nearly fell off twice. Anyway, that was that. Cor, blimey, what was her name? Trigger D'you get your money back on the holiday? Del No. You know what these caravan sites are like, don't you? INT. NIGHT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB/CASINO. Averagely crowded. We see the various card games, roulette, etc in action. Del, in evening suit, is standing at the bar drinking a scotch. We see Rodney, suited up, approaching the bar. Rodney Del Boy. Del Rodders! What're you doing here? Rodney Well, I had a couple of hours to kill. So I said to Cass I'll pop down the club and see Del. Del Good. (Calls) 'Ere Miguel, there you are look, a lager-top, please. Rodney You're drinking a lot of scotch these days. Del Yeah, well, It's the only thing that dulls the pain, innit? Rodney Talk to her, Del. There's nothing that can't be sorted by talking it out. Del I'm not talking about Raquel. I'm talking about my bloody tooth. Rodney Go to the dentists then! Del I don't like dentists! Rodney Well then let it go rotten and get septicemia. Del Look, shuddup moaning will you? I've come here to psyche myself up for the game and you do nothing but lecture me. It's like playing poker with Neil Kinnock! Boycie, in evening suit, joins them. Boycie Del Boy. Rodney! Del How's it going, Boycie? Boycie Life's one long uphill struggle at the moment Derek. The second-hand car business is in its biggest slump since - well, since the last one. Me and Marlene could only afford one week's holiday in Barbados this year. Del Oh that's terrible, innit? Please, don't go on about it, you know how easy I cry. (To Rodney) We'll have to hold a whip for him. Rodney Yeah, can I count the lashes? Boycie Look, I happen to believe that everyone has the right to expect a certain standard of living. I mean, it's alright for you, coming from that council estate - sometimes I almost envy you. Not often, I must admit. Especially with all the problems you've got. Del We ain't got no problems. Raquel and I are just going through a sticky patch, that's all! Boycie When I mention 'problems', I was referring to that riot the other night. I hear they went through the whole estate looking for any halfway-decent vehicle and then setting fire to it! (With big grin) Your three-wheeled van alright was it, Del Boy? Del Yes, thank you, Boycie, they didn't lay a finger on it. Boycie Well, that's a Godsend, at least. Del Yeah, that's only 'cos I know the leader of the rioters! Terrible though, innit, eh? The way they set fire to their own people's property when there's a very big car site just up the road! Rodney But that's Boycie's car site, Derek. Del Oh, is it Rodney?! Well, let's hope that someone does not suggest that to the rioters - eh, Boycie? Boycie (Calls) Miguel, can you get my friends a drink? Same again please and put it on my account. Well, I must be off. Lots of luck, eh? Del Yeah. Cheers, Boycie. Boycie exits. Del and Rodney laugh with each other. Del (Cont'd) Miguel! A very voluptuous and attractive young girl is now behind Del. She wears a low-cut dress and a wonderbra (or uplift-bra) so her breasts are propped high and round. She should be a tall girl so that Del stands almost eyeball to breast with her. Del turns and reacts as if slightly dizzy. Del (Cont'd) Cor, blimey! I don't know about me teeth! I think my eyes need testing. I turned round a bit quick just then and I thought Right Said Fred had just walked in. Rodney laughs. His laughter now dies as the girl's large and tough looking boyfriend stares at him. INT. NIGHT. TROTTER' LOUNGE. Raquel is ironing. Albert is asleep in the chair. We can hear and see the TV (Crimewatch). Sue Cook Good night. Nick Ross Good night. Raquel looks at the clock. INT. NIGHT. ONE TO ELEVEN CLUB. This is a few hours later. Ties have been loosened, etc. There is a smoky atmosphere. Del and Rodney are seated at the roulette table. Del Ain't you gonna have a bet? Rodney No I'm not. It's a mug's game. Hasn't it dawned on you yet that the only one who wins is the casino owner? The croupier pushes a bundle of chips to Del. Del Sorry, what were you saying? Rodney Yeah, alright, so you were lucky. Well, you've won now so let's go home. Del Don't talk wet - I'm on a roll! We'll play the evens. Del places all his chips in the appropriate square. Rodney Del, will you spare one moment's thought for Raquel? Del Who d'you think I'm doing this for, Rodney? I'm doing this for her and Damien! Rodney, I couldn't say anything before - because I didn't want the word to get out - it's been very delicate. But I'm tryin' to put together a big deal with Ronnie Nelson. Rodney So what are you doing down here at the One to One club most nights? Del Because he owns it, don't he? He don't come in before one o'clock in the morning, so I've gotta hang about to have a word with him. I can't let this deal slip through me fingers, Rodney! I'll tell you what it is, it's ix hundred and fifty hand-held camcorders. Made in Russia. Rodney Russian camcorders? I didn't think they went in for all that 'You've Been Framed' cobblers. Del No, these are ex-military, They've got night vision on them and everything. Rodney So, we're gonna buy six hundred and fifty Russian Army camcorders? Del Yeah, with a bit of luck... Eight hundred and ninety- five quid. Rodney You're gonna pay eight hundred and ninety five pound for a camera? Del No, eight hundred and ninety five quid for the lot! Rodney They sound very classy. Del State of the art! Croupier Thirty red. The croupier pushes a large pile of chips to Del. Del places them all back on evens. Del (Smiling smugly at Rodney) Aren't you gonna have a bet? Rodney No! Look, try an' look at it from Raquel's point of view, Del. She's in that flat night after night with Horatio and his tales of the sea and you're down here drinking and gambling. Del I know!! And does she appreciate it? Rodney NO! Del No! She does not! Honestly, she thinks I'm out every night enjoying myself! (Finishing scotch. To waitress) Excuse me darling, same again, please? That's the trouble with women, Rodney, they change - and they expect you to change with 'em. She wanted me to become a pipe and slippers man, you know - having a cup of tea and a biscuit, and watching Family Fortunes. Well, stuff that for a game of toy soldiers! Don't get me wrong, I'm not adverse to a cup of Darjeeling and an 'obnob, but there is a time and a place for everything. I like life on the tightrope. And I enjoy the company of me mates and I don't see why I should change just 'cos I've met Raquel? Rodney And who are your mates, Del? Boycie, the freemason, a total snob who thinks that anyone who's got a pound less than him's a peasant! Denzil's a man who eats porridge with a wig in it! And then we have Trigger, a road sweeper who gives pet names to his teeth! Del They're still me mates! I'm not like you, Rodders. Del Boy's not for turning! Rodney What's that supposed to mean? Marriage hasn't changed me! Del Oh it has, Rodney! I've seen you and that Cassandra - she's into this conservation malarkey, and so is Rodney as well. Rodney Look, I have not changed, Del. When I make my mind up about something, nothing can alter it! Alright? Croupier 140 pieces sir, thank you. The croupier pushes a massive pile of chips to Del. Del We'll stick with evens, shall we? Rodney I'm gonna go and get some chips! Del laughs as Rodney moves towards cashier. INT. NIGHT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. The club is less crowded now. Del and Rodney are still at the roulette table but now Del only has one chip left. He and Rodney both look desperate. Rodney (Appealing to the ball) Come on! Reds! Reds! Reds! The waitress approaches Del. Waitress Excuse me, Del, I'm afraid Ronnie won't be in now - I'll leave a message for him. Del Yeah, alright... Thanks!... Come on, Rodney, let's go home. Rodney No, hang on. The ball ain't landed yet! Croupier Seventeen, black. Rodney Shit! They stand. Del flips his last chip to the croupier and they walk towards the entrance. Del Rodney, how much d'you lose? Rodney Fifty. Del You plonker. Rodney I wouldn't have gambled at all if you hadn't encouraged me! Del Oi, oi, oi, don't blame me! What d'you come here for anyway if you didn't want a flutter? Rodney I'll tell you why, shall I? Cassandra suggested I come down here. Del Oh, yeah, Why? Rodney So as we can get you home at a decent hour. We are trying to save your relationship with Raquel! You've been falling in half past one and two o'clock in the morning! And it is not on Del! They arrive at exit door. EXT. DAY. ONE ELEVEN CLUB/LONDON STREET. A milk float is passing. Del and Rodney exit and stare incredulously at the daylight. Rodney It's daytime! Del It's eight o'clock in the morning! This is all your fault, Dopey! Rodney Me?! Del Yes! You, you, you kept me talking in there! Rodney Oh yeah? And who was it doing all the gambling? Del Well, you were doing your fair share! Cor blimey, I could have been home hours ago if it weren't for you! You've really dropped me in it this time, Rodney! Rodney You... They are walking away from camera. Del Look, we've gotta be down the market in half an hour! EXT. DAY. MARKET. FILM. At this point we just see Del and a small crowd. Behind Del there are a few cardboard boxes declaring the name of some Mickey Mouse ski-equipment company. Laying on the boxes are a couple of gaudily-coloured ski jackets, etc. Del (Talking to crowd) Right, listen, I know what you're thinking, I know what you're thinking, because I can read your minds. You're thinking, what do I want with all this skiing equipment? There ain't no mountains in Peckham. Absolutely true. In a few months time you yourself may decide to take an Alpine holiday. Now, due to my unique style of bulk-buying, you can go togged out in the latest up-to-the-minute fashion at bargain basement prices. Now I'm gonna show you how stylish this gear is because it is being modeled now by my younger brother, Rodney. We now see Rodney standing close by. He wears the complete skiing outfit save for skis. He wears a ski mask, tinted goggles and a woolen hat. A pink, purple, yellow and green ski-jacket and gloves. A pair of moa- trousers (they're heavily padded and quilted type normally worn in arctic conditions). But instead of ski-boots we wears a pair of old trainers. Del (Cont'd) Now, the jacket is padded in pure fibre-glass and quilted in natural nylon. Now this jacket alone would set you back about a hundred and twenty quid at Lillywhites - but this can be yours for a mere thirty five pounds and it comes in all sizes. Now all this equipment here is manufactured by the one country that leads the world in Alpine clothing - namely, Fiji. Del's mobile phone starts to ring. Del (Cont'd) Just a moment please, this is probably the Austrian Olympic squad wanting to increase their order. (On phone)' Hello, Trotters Independent Traders, PLC, Arctic- clothing department. We see Trigger moving past Rodney, sweeping the gutter and pushing his barrow. Trigger makes no reaction to Rodney's appearance. Trigger Alright, Dave? Trigger continues to go on his way. Del Rodney, it's Cassandra! Del hands the phone to Rodney. Rodney (On phone) Cass? I told you never to phone me at work! what? What now? Cass, I can't... I'm in the middle... Yes, alright! (Switches phone off) Del, I gotta shoot off. Cassie needs me at home. Del What for? Rodney Well, it's probably the right time. Del Oh, come on, Rodney, she'll keep 'till this evening. Rodney No, its... Well, you know! She's most probably at the right temperature. Del Stone me, Rodney. What are you two trying for, a baby or a barbecue? Go on, go on, hurry up! Rodney dashes off still in the ski gear. Del has indicated Rodney's jeans, etc, which are in a pile on one of the boxes. Del (Calls) 'Ere, don't you want to change your clo... We now see that the crowd has dispersed. Del (Cont'd) Oh, look at that! INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S HALL/FRONT DOOR/LIVING ROOM. We hear a key in the lock. The door opens and Rodney bursts in, exhausted from running and still wearing the skiing clothing. Rodney (Calls) Cass, I'm home. Cassandra (OOV) I'm in here, Roddy. Rodney Right, won't be a minute. Rodney strips off down to T-shirt and stripped under- pants and then exits to living room. Cut to living room. Rodney bursts in. We see Cassandra seated in armchair. Also in the room are Raquel and Damien and with their suitcases. Rodney (Embarrassed) Sorry about that, Raquel, I was... I was hot. What you doing here? Cassandra She's left Del. Rodney Left him? Why? Raquel D'you know what time in he got in this morning? Rodney (Guilty) No. Raquel Quarter past eight! Rodney Geddaway! Raquel He just changed into his working clothes and went straight down the market. He didn't even stop for a cup of tea. Well, that was the last straw. He's not treating me like that anymore! Rodney Look, you've gotta try an' look t it from his point of view, Raquel. There are extenuating circumstances. Raquel Like what? Rodney Well... He's having a lot of trouble with his teeth. Cassandra That's no excuse! Rodney No, I know. But he is in pain! Raquel So am I, Rodney, so am I! Rodney Well, where're you gonna go? Cassandra I said they could stay here. Rodney Here? But this is a one- bedroomed flat! Cassandra This is a sofa bed. Raquel I won't be here for long. A couple of nights, that's all. Is that OK with you? Rodney Yeah, yeah, of course. Cassandra Good. I'll make us a cup of something. Raquel I'll help. Cassandra and Raquel exit to kitchen. Rodney remains pondering and worrying about this turn of events. Now he becomes aware of something. He looks up and we see Damien staring at him. We see Rodney's reaction. Damien now smiles at Rodney. We see Rodney's face and, this time, we hear the zing, zing of violin strings a la Psycho. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD. STUDIO. This is lunchtime, same day. Del, Trigger, Denzil and Boycie are seated at a table. Mike brings a tray of drinks across. Mike Here we go, gentlemen. Drinks. Is that right, Del, Just a lemonade for you? Del Yeah, that's right, yeah. I'm going down to visit Trig's dentist this afternoon, I don't want to smell of booze. Mike So, how's things on the home front? You and Raquel still at pistols drawn, are you? Del Yeah, still involved in the cold war. But I'm gonna live my life the way I wanna live it. Give her time, she'll learn. Denzil That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corrine. Even when she left me I refused to change- seven years ago but I haven't changed. Del Yeah, but there is a differ- ence though, ain't there Denzil? Raquel would never leave me because it's the real deep love thing. Mike Women are a mystery, though, ain't they? Del What? Here's a mystery for you. Here's a... Answer me this. Why is it that women always wanna know what time you got in? Right, they say to you, 'what time d'you get in last night?' And you say; 'Oh I don't know, about quarter past twelve.' And they say; 'No you didnít, it was twenty to two!' And I think to myself, Well why bloody ask? Mike Yeah, he's right, he's right. Why ask! It's like saying to you, 'What's that on the telly? Coronation Street or Eastenders? And you say, 'It's Eastenders,' and they say, 'No it ain't, it's Coronation Street!' I mean, why ask?! Del Yeah, why ask? Boycie Beats me! Mike You know, I came home one night and my missus said to me, 'Where are you living now?' And I said, 'Here!' And she said, 'No you ain't!' And threw me suit- case at me! I mean, why ask? A pause, then: All Why ask? Trigger Why ask? Trigger Well, I mean that's women for you, innit? I mean, they're a different breed. Take my Marlene, she's always moaning on and on about how I don't respect her. I mean, me! Don't respect my own wife? Daft old mare! But I mean, I love her, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I think getting married was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. I sometimes think back to when we first met in Lewisham Grove. I wish I'd never ever walked into that betting shop now. Del looks at Denzil. Denzil and Del look at Boycie. Trigger Oh, so that's who you... Del/Denzil Trigger!! Del I've just remembered some- thing very important I meant to tell ya. Trigger What's that? Denzil ... It's gone now. Trigger Oh, hat's alright Denzil, that happens to me all the time. There is a slight pause. Trigger (Cont'd) See, I was just gonna say something important to Del, but it's gone now. So how'd it turn out then, Mike? Mike Eh? Trigger Coronation Street or East- enders? Trigger As long as it weren't Elderado, we can all sleep easy, eh? Albert enters. Del Alright, Unc? Any messages? Albert That bloke phoned about the video cameras. And er, someone come round moaning about, er, a pair of ski pants. Oh, and Raquel's left you. EXT. DAY. LONDON BACKSTREET/DENTAL SURGERY. We see the van (Del driving) pull up outside the surgery. They get out and walk towards the surgery. Del I don't believe it Rodney, I just don't believe it! I have never, never had a woman walk out on me like that. Rodney Yes you have. Del Who? Rodney All of 'em. Del Yeah, but they didn't have my child with them, did they? Rodney Look, Del, I feel a bit embarrassed, about Raquel staying at the flat, and that. But what could I do? couldn't refuse, could I? Del No, of course not, bruv. No, you couldn't see them turned out on the street, could you? No, you look after 'em, I'll see you alright for some money. Rodney Oh, don't be silly. Del No, no, no! Come on, straight up. I appreciate what you are doing. Rodney Look Del, I reckon all it would take is one phone call and you two'd be back together in no time. It'll just take one word - 'sorry'. Del No, I think you're right, Rodney. Alright, get her to phone and apologize and I'll forget it. Rodney I was talking about you! Del Me? What have I done?! Rodney Raquel hardly ever sees you! You treat that flat like a lodging house. She told me you walked in the bedroom one night and Damien screamed - thought you was an intruder! Del That is rubbish, that is! Look, I've been under a lot of stress lately, what with business deals and all that. Rodney Well, I explained to her. I said, Del's been under a lot of pressure, what with business and his teeth going manky. Del Exactly! What with... My teeth are not going manky! They just need looking at, that's all! Rodney Well, get in there and have 'em looked at then! Del I don't like dentists! Rodney It's like the Milky Bar Kid! Del I'll tell you what we'll do, right? Look, we'll go down to Ronnie Nelson's and pick up the cameras, then we'll come back here and I'll go to the dentist. Rodney No! You go to the dentists now, and then we'll pick the cameras up! Oh go on, get in there! Del Are you coming with me? Rodney No. I'm gonna have a kip in the van. Del Hey! Oi! Rodney, I'm gonna get yo... He winces and pulls his hand to his cheek. INT. DAY. DENTAL SURGERY. Del is in the chair as the dentist (Mr Ellis) probes about in his mouth. The receptionist (Beverly) enters. Beverly is in her mid thirties, attractive and has a pleasant nature. She speaks with a working middle- class accent. Beverly I'm sorry to interrupt. Mrs Patel just rang to cancel her four o'clock appoint- ment. Dentist Thank you Beverly. Beverly exits. The dentist hits one of Del's back teeth and Del cries out in pain. Del Aaaagh! Dentist That's the one! Del Well! I know that! Dentist Help yourself to the, erm... The dentist points to the mouthwash. Del Mmmm? Oh, cheers. (Drinking it) Thank you. Dentist (Making a few notes) D'you have regular dentists checks, Mr. Trotter? Del Oh yes, doctor. You can't be too careful where the old choppers are concerned, can you? Dentist And who was the last dentist you saw? Del The last one... that would be Mr Owens, had a surgery down Ghandi Avenue. Dentist Mr Owens? He died on the night of the Queen's Silver Jubilee, 1977. Del I know, it was tragic, weren't it? Dentist So you have a regular check -up every sixteen years. Del I think it's better in the long run, don't you? Dentist Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid this tooth of yours is beyond repair Mr Trotter. It'll have to come out. Del Oh, it's gotta come out? Well, I'll make an appointment to see you next week. Dentist No, no, I'll do it now. Del Now? Dentist Don't worry. You won't feel a thing. The dentist produces a syringe and hypodermic needle. Dentist (Cont'd) This'll just make one side of your face a bit numb. Del studies the needle with growing alarm. Del Ah you see, but the thing is, you know, er, I'm in a bit of a hurry, see. The dentist approaches Del with a needle. Dentist It'll only take five minutes. Del My brother's out there in the van. Dentist (Referring to the syringe) Just a little prick. Del Oh, do you know him then, do you? INT. DAY. THE VAN. Same time. Rodney is sitting in the passenger seat. His eyelids are slowly closing as the excesses of the last week take their toll. He folds his coat into a make-shift pillow, lays it between the two seats and lays his head down on it. INT. DAY. DENTAL SURGERY. The dentist slowly removes the syringe and needle from Del's mouth. Del Aaaaagh! Dentist There we are. Now, if you'd like to sit in the waiting room for a while, just leave the anaesthetic time to work. I'll call you in five minutes. Del Thank you, doctor. Del exits to waiting room. Four patients are seated here. Beverly is behind the reception counter. Del enters from surgery. A buzzer sounds. Beverly (Calling next patient) Mrs Marshall? You can go through now. A patient enters the surgery. Del (To Beverly) I've just gotta wait for this jollop to work. Beverly It doesn't take too long. Perhaps we could complete this form while you're waiting? It's just for new patients. I've got most of your details... Now then, let me see. Next of kin? Del Next of kin? Blimey, I'm only having me tooth out!! Beverly It's just Local Health Authority procedure. Del I haven't got no next of kin. Beverly What, no-one? Del Well, there's me brother. Beverly Have you got any dependants? Del Yeah, my brother. INT. DAY. THE VAN. Rodney is sleeping on his make-shift pillow. Now behind him, in back of van, we see a movement. A small rodent is scuffling around. It approaches Rodney's head and we see it is a gerbil. Rodney opens his eyes as he hears, or becomes aware, of movement. He turns and looks at the creature. He looks back to camera. His eyes widen in fear. INT. DAY. THE WAITING ROOM. FILM. Del Yeah, I've got a son. Beverly Ah, that's better. Del It's Damien. Damien Derek Trotter. Beverly Oh, my daughter's got a little boy called that! Del What, Damien Derek Trotter? Beverly (Laughs) No! Just Damien! Del You're having me on. You've got a grandson? Beverly Yeah! Del Never! Must have had your daughter very, very young. I'd have put you down as, well, you know, late twenties. Beverly Oh, get off! Del No honest, straight up! (Gesturing into surgery) Is he your husband, is he? Beverly Mr. Ellis? Del Yeah. Beverly No, I just work here. Del I see. You know, I thought it might be, you know, like a family business, some- thing like that. Beverly No. I'm divorced. Yeah, we broke up about, well, nine years ago. Del Oh, really? My wife... er partner, well, she, you know, she left me. Beverly Oh I'm sorry. You know, people say time's a great healer, but I'm not so sure. Even now I sometimes think about those days and... well, it still hurts, you know? Del Yes, I know the feeling. I still get these little pangs. Beverly When did your relationship break up? Del This morning. Beverly This morning? Del Yeah, perhaps you and me ought to go out with each other and, you know, cry on each other's shoulders. The entrance door bursts open and Rodney enters. Rodney Del! There is a vat in the van! Del You what? Rodney In the van! There's a rat! Del A rat? Rodney In the van! Del What are you on about? Rodney I'm trying to inform you that there is a rat in the van!! Del It's not a rat! It's a gerbil. Rodney Alright, so it's a gerbil. Del I know, I got it for Christmas. Rodney For Chris... For Damien? Del Yeah, it's one of his presents, Gerry the Gerbil. I had it in a cage in the back of the van. The door must have come open or something, I dunno. Go and put it back in the cage. Rodney is obviously not relishing the thought of touch- ing Gerry. Rodney Eh? Del Go and put the gerbil back in the cage! Rodney exits. Del Dependants! (Laughs) No, my boy wanted a pet for Christmas, so I got him Gerry the Gerbil. So, what about it, Beverly? Beverly Sorry? Del You know, you and me... having a date. Beverly Oh, it's very nice of you but... you see, the thing is, your relationship's only just broken up. In a couple of days' time you could both be back together again. Del No, no, I won't. It's finished! Kaput. There's no going back. I'm a free agent - I can go where I want, and with whom I want. Beverly Okay then. Beverly begins writing on some notepaper. Del Lovely jubbly! You know it makes sense. Well, what about I see you this evening then, about eight o'clock? Take you out for a slap-up meal, you know, steak, onion rings. Beverly Fine. That's where I live. (Handing Del the note) And that's the telephone number in case anything goes wrong. Del (Slurring) She y'sheeving. Beverly What? Del (Gesturing to his jaw) Oh, sorry, der anshe'ic's beginnin' to work. Beverly He'll be with you in a minute. Del Oh alright. I'll jusht, er, shit 'ere. INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Somewhere in room we see Gerry the gerbil in his cage. There are four or five large cardboard boxes which are covered in Russian writing. A couple of the video cameras are on display. They are very large and very heavy. They are painted in khaki and olive green camouflage colours and have Russian writing on them. Rodney goes to pick one up and realises it is heavier than he imagined. He puts more effort into it and manages to lift the camera. Albert enters from his bedroom. Albert Are they the Russian cameras Del was telling me about? Rodney No, this is a pair of Chelsea boots with an elast- icated gusset! Of course it's the bloody Russian camera! Del, dressed to kill, enters from the bedrooms area and proceeds to splash himself with Brut whilst giving the mirror a severe hammering. Del Alright then? Albert How's your mouth Del? Del Oh, can't feel a thing. Brilliant dentist. Rodney These camcorders are bigger than I imagined. Del Yeah, they are a bit on the wide side, aren't they, eh? Rodney You said they was hand- held? Del Well you're holding 'em in your hands, aren't you? Rodney Only just! How are you supposed to carry one of these round Eurodisney on your shoulder? You'll do your back in! Del Well, that's good for you Rodney, good for your strength, you see, build your strength up won't it, eh? Save you a fortune on all them weights and rowing machines and all that sort of stuff. I wonder what that writing says on the side there. Rodney Reject, most probably. Del These are not rejects Rodney. These are top of the range, these are. Look at them. Look, look how solid they are, no bits of plastic to break off. The cassette, look at that, is inside the camera, don't muck about with them soppy little things. No, this was designed for tank warfare, this you know. (Looking through eyepiece) Yes, look at that. I can just see 'em now... alright Number one, fire a shot across his bow. Rodney places the camera on the table and removes the cassette. We see that it is three inches longer than British cassettes. Rodney takes it to the VCR and tries to force it into the slot. Rodney Del... Del Yeah? Rodney They don't fit the machine! Del Yeah, I know that. I know they are a different size. But it's no problem, 'Cos Ronnie Nelson, he's got a consignment of Russian VCRs coming over next Tuesday from Volgograd. Rodney Oh right. So, if we actually do find a mercen- ary who wants to tape his next tank battle to show the wife and kids, he's gotta buy a Russian VCR of us an' all? I can't see 'em queuing for this one, Del! Del Ninety five quid the set, can't be bad, can it, eh? Think about it, Rodney, you'll make your money on this and more! All you gotta do is fall on your arse and old Jeremy Beadle will give you a grand! Albert You going out, Del? Del Yes! Yes, I'm going out. I got a date. Rodney A date? Del Uhuh. Rodney What d'you mean you've got a date? Del I've got a date. I met this woman down at the dentists. I'm taking her out for dinner. Rodney I don't believe I'm hearing this! Albert Well, you've surprised me, Del. Raquel and your baby are only just around the corner and you're going out with some young bird! Del She is not a young bird. She happens to be a grand- mother! Rodney A grandmother? Well, perhaps she can bring her sister along for him! Rodney indicates Albert. Del She is a very young grandmother. Sister along! And don't look at me like that, Rodney! Raquel was the one that walked out on me! You don't know what it's like. I'm not an island, Rodney - a man gets lonely... Albert But Raquel only left this morning! Rodney Del, she's left you for longer periods when she's been out shopping. Del Yeah, I know. But it's horrible in here now. Rodney You've got Albert. Del That's what I mean! Rodney Could you honestly cheat on Raquel? Two-time the mother of your baby? Del Oh, bonnet de douche! I'm only taking her out to a Berni Inn! Rodney Yeah, but that can lead to other things, can't it? Del Yeah, like next week I'll take her to a Spudulike. Rodney You know what I mean! Did you know that Raquel was crying this afternoon? Del Crying? Rodney Yeah. Sat on our sofa crying her eyes out - because of you! Del Poor cow! Rodney That's what I thought! Well, I'll see you later. Do enjoy your steak, Derek. Del Rodney, Rodney, alright. Alright, alright, you've made your point. I was only tryin' to see, you know, if I could still pull. (Picking up the phone) I'll call her and break off the date. Rodney Good. And while you've got the phone in your hand, give Raquel a call and ask her to come home. Del No way, Pedro! If she wants to come back to this flat, she's gotta call me. Rodney Oh, you kill me, Derek. I'll see you tomorrow. Rodney exits to hall. Del punches numbers on the phone. Albert You're doing the right thing, Del... It was a bad move. Del Yeah... (We hear a ringing tone) Perhaps you're right. Pity, really, she fancied one of these cameras an' all. We hear phone being answered by Beverly's ansaphone. Beverly (Ansaphone) Hi, this is Beverly. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'd like to leave a message after the tone, I'll get back to you. Del (On phone) Ah yeah, hello Beverly. (We hear a beep tone) This is Del Boy. Erm, the thing is, I can't make our date tonight. Erm, you know, I'm sorry... I'll give you a call another time. Alright? Yeah. Bonjour. Albert I'll pour us a drink, Del. Del Yeah, I wish I had a dog or a cat. Albert You've got that gerbil? Del Yeah, but I feel like kick- ing something up the arse. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. A few hours later. Rodney and Cassandra are lying in bed. The bedroom door is closed. Cassandra He was doing what? Rodney Ssshhh! Raquel's in there! Cassandra (Quieter) He was going out with another woman? Rodney He was threatening to. He was all dressed up, he looked like Heart-throb out of Crossroads. Cassandra D'you think he's going through a mid-life crisis? You know, dressing up, trying to attract young girls. Rodney No. If that was the case then Del's male menopause started when he was fourteen! Anyway, she's not a young girl, she's a grandmother. Cassandra A grandmother?! Rodney Sshh. He met her at the dentists. I don't think much would have happened on their date anyway. They'd have most probably sat in a Berni Inn counting her teeth! Cassandra Why doesn't he just phone Raquel? They're obviously both missing each other. Rodney Well, it's his pride, isn't it? He's the man who must be seen to be the man. He's never had a very modern attitude towards women and relationships. When he was younger Del's idea of safe sex was not telling the girl where he lived. S'funny, but, in them days, Del used to be my hero Cassandra Del? You're joking! Rodney No - I could tell you things about Del Boy that would amaze you. Cassandra Go on then, amaze me! Rodney Well... Rodney is thinking hard of something to surprise her. Rodney (Cont'd) There... Yeah... There's the time he took his 'O' Levels. I was only a little sprog, but I still remember the night he brought his results home. He'd got eight 'A's. Cassandra Eight 'A's? Del? Rodney Yeah. 'A' for English, 'A' for Maths. The list just went on. Cassandra Wait a minute, they were someone else's results weren't they? Rodney No, no. They were Del's results. I remember Mum and Dad was all excited. We had a big family celebration, aunties, uncles, the lot. Del was tossing up where to go, you know, Oxford or Cambridge. He phoned up both Universities, made a few inquiries - what the pubs are like, that sort of thing. Cassandra I can't imagine Del getting eight 'A's! Rodney No! He surprised everyone! Then a couple of days later we got a letter from the school. Turned out the 'A's all stood for 'Absent'. Cassandra (Laughing) He hadn't turned up for any of the exams? Rodney No! Not one! He'd been down the market flogging some hooky Tom Jones LPs. Mind you, you wouldn't have laughed if you'd been there at the time. My dad went potty! He was shouting at Del, calling him names. Del was ducking round the room tryin' to escape. Then it all turned violent - he'd been out drinking you see. He took his belt off, he started whacking him - punching and everything! That's what he was like. Me mum was screaming, 'Don't hit him, don't hit him!' And I was crying. Cassandra God, poor Rodney! Was he hurt? Rodney Not too bad, he was in hospital for a couple of days. Me mum took me up to visit him. Cassandra And what happened to your father? Rodney I'm talking about me father! Cassandra Oh, I thought you meant Del! Rodney Oh no! He was alright. He was a dirty little fighter. He used to go in low and grabbing! I've seen him in so many fights over the years. I've heard sounds that only a White Hunter could make sense of. I suppose that's why he was my hero. 'Cos from that day onwards, my dad never whacked me again. He was too frightened of what Del would do to him if he found out. So that's how my life went on. As long as Del was around no-one could do me any harm. Of course he made up for that in later life, but... Rodney turns to Cassandra. We see Cassandra is removing a thermometer from her mouth. She studies the temperature and nods to Rodney. Rodney (Almost fearfully) Is it time again? Cassandra Mmmh. How you feeling? Rodney Well... You know, I'll give it a go. She smiles and starts kissing Rodney's neck. Rodney (Cont'd) Oh that's nice. Don't bite me, you know how easily I bruise. They lay back on pillows kissing. Cassandra closes her eyes in pleasure. She now opens her eyes and reacts. We cut to see Damien in little pyjamas standing at the bottom of the bed and looking at her. The bedroom door is still closed. Cassandra (Nudging him) Rodney! Rodney Mmmh? Rodney sees Damien and reacts, pushing himself further back against the pillow and uttering a small cry of alarm. Rodney Aaaarggh! Cassandra It's alright. He's just wandered in. Rodney Wandered in? Cassandra, I locked the bedroom door! Cassandra looks at Damien. We now hear a burst of the theme from The Omen over Cassandra's face. There is a knock on the bedroom door. The door opens as Raquel speaks. Raquel (OOV) Alright if I come in? Rodney (Great relief) I didn't lock the door! Cassandra Rodney! Cassandra pushes him. Raquel (To Damien) There you are! Mummy's been looking everywhere for you. Sorry about this. Cassandra S'alright. Raquel I don't know. He sleeps all day and only comes alive at night. Rodney and Cassandra look at each other. Raquel (Cont'd) Say, 'Na-nite' to Uncle Rodney and Auntie Cassandra. Damien Night! Cassandra Night, Damien. Rodney Night. Raquel and Damien exit. Rodney and Cassandra look at each other. Cassandra What d'you think then? Rodney Leave it to tomorrow, shall we? Cassandra Yeah. They switch the lights off. INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD AND RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. It's a packed pub. The usual crowd are there. Rodney, Albert and Trigger are sitting at a table. Rodney has a collection tin with the logo of a whale on it. As Rodney talks so Mike passes. Rodney Look, it's for an endangered species! Do you realise what's happening to... (Turning to Mike) Listen, er, Del's been hit- ting the sauce a bit heavy lately. Just keep an eye on him, would you? Mike Yeah, I understand. Leave it to me, Rodney. Rodney Cheers. (To Albert and Trigger) Look, all I'm asking for is fifty pence. Albert What happens when you save all these whales? They'll start breeding won't they? Rodney Well, I wouldn't be surprised. Trigger I don't know how anyone could fancy a whale. Albert No, I don't! Big ugly things, ain't they? Rodney No, look... you don't have to breed with them, they can sort that sort of thing out themselves. Albert I know a lot more about the sea than you do Rodney. Rodney Oh God, here we go! Albert You'd be surprised how quickly these whales breed. Rodney Three... Albert And there not all as gentle as some people imagine. Rodney Two... Albert You get a quite a lot of 'em together and they can be quite dangerous. Rodney One. Albert During the War... Rodney We have lift off. Albert I was in a submarine up in the Barents sea and we got attacked by a whale. Rodney It was most probably trying to protect its young, Albert. Albert No it wasn't. It fancied us! Rodney A whale got the hots for your submarine? Albert Yeah, it was horrible. We were shaking all over the place. Trigger It's like your worst nightmare, ain't it Dave? Rodney No. My worst nightmare is sitting in the pub having a conversation with you two! Trigger Mmmh. Albert It went on for about half hour. The skipper told us to hang on for dear life and don't do anything to annoy it. He put the periscope up at one point. Trigger Up where? Albert He looked through the view- finder and went as white as a sheet. God knows what he saw, but that man never ate halibut again! Rodney So what d'you do when it was over? All lie back and had a cigarette? Albert Don't take the mickey out of me, Rodney. Have you ever tried to lay a underwater telephone line during the mating season? Rodney No, No, I haven't. Albert Well, my advice to you, son, is don't ever attempt it. Albert stands and moves to the bar. Trigger You want to listen to him, Dave, he knows what he's talking about. Del enters. Del Alright, Rodders? Rodney I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but here comes a man with some intelligence. 'Ere listen, are you gonna give a couple of bob for charity? Del Yeah, you know me, I'd do anything for a good cause, what's this? Trigger He's tryin' to save whales. Del Oh, no, no, no, no, they don't get nothing - not after the way they beat us at Rugby last year. Rodney Yeah, fair enough. Del So, how's Cassandra? She pregnant yet? Rodney No. Ain't likely to be either with that little git standing at the bottom of the bed! Del What little git's that? Rodney Erm. Oh, it's erm, yeah, it Cassandra. She's got this big teddy bear, she's had it since she was a kid, you know, and it sort of sits there at the end of the bed - and puts me off. Del Silly mare! How would she like it if you had your Meccano set at the bottom of the bed, eh? Rodney Yeah, alright, well, don't go on about it! it's personal. It's summat that you... A pause. Both stand to move away from Trigger. Del See you later, Trig. (On the move) Alright? How's Damien and Raquel? Rodney Alright. She's taking Damien up London to show him the sights. Apparently his Daddy's always been a bit too busy to do it himself. Del Yes, he is too busy. He's too busy out there earning the poppy to pay for the grub and the underfloor heating! Still crying, is she? Rodney Yes! All through yesterday afternoon, and then all through tea time. Del Is it getting on your nerves? Rodney I'll tell you what's getting on my nerves, shall I? You are missing Raquel and Damien and Raquel and Damien are missing you, but nobody it seems - nobody has the intelligence to sort out the situation. Del All she's got to do is phone me. Rodney But she doesn't know how you feel. She thinks you want a life of shanting it up with your mates and going to casinos. She doesn't realise that it was just a phase while you were putting a deal together because you never told her. Del Well I had to play it close to me chest didn't I? I didn't want word slipping out. Rodney But she don't know that! Del Yeah. What with that and my tooth... Rodney Now you've had that out! Del, phone her and tell her. Del What? That I've had me tooth out? Rodney No! Phone her and tell her that you... Oh, tell her what you bloody like, just phone her. Del Alright, alright Rodney. I'll give her a bell. Del moves across to the public phone. He places money in the machine and dials number. Mike approaches and places a large scotch on the tele- phone box. Mike There you are, Del, a large Scotch, on the house. Del Oh cheers. Rodney Mike, what are you doing? Don't go giving him large scotches on the house! Mike Oh Rodney, I'm sorry, I forgot. (Calls) Del, that's one eighty-five, son. Del I didn't even ask for it! We hear money drop into box as the call is answered. Del (Cont'd) (On phone) Hello, hello, sweetheart, listen - don't say a word, just don't say anything. Just, just listen to me while I'm in the mood. Right now I'm missing you darling and I want you to come home. Now, I know that I haven't been very fair to you, look, in the past but I can explain if you'll just give me the chance. I still love you and that will never change. Things'll be different in the future. So what d'you say, eh? Oh, sorry Cassandra - yeah, I wanna speak to Raquel. She's in the where? Oh alright, I'll hang on. Boycie enters. Boycie Del Boy? Del Oh hello, Boycie. They both see Beverly, stand from a table in the back- ground. She sees Del and smiles to him. Del returns a nervous grin. Beverly exits the pub. Boycie Who was that woman? Del Mmmm? What woman? I didn't see no woman. Boycie That one that just smiled at you. Del I didn't see anybody smile at me. No one's smiled at me all evening. Boycie Where do I know her face from? Oh yeah, I remember. Bronco, Marlene's brother. He was in hospital last year and we went up to see him. That's where I saw her. Del Oh that's cleared that mystery up then. Boycie moves away. Boycie Hmm. Del Wait a minute. Bronco? Wasn't he in a psychiatric hospital? Boycie Yeah. Del reacts. Cut to Rodney and Cassandra's bedroom: Cassandra hands the phone to Raquel. We now intercut between Del and Raquel. Raquel Thanks. (On phone) Hello? Hello? Hello? Del (On phone) Hello? Hello, Raquel. (Sitting down) How are you? Raquel (On phone) Fine. You? Del (On phone) Yeah, lovely... I'm missing you, darling. Raquel (On phone) I'm missing you as well, you rotten sod! Del (On phone) Come on then, why don't you come home, eh? Raquel (On phone) It's not as simple as that! Del (On phone) Sweetheart. Don't take too much notice of me in the last month. It's just been a one-off, that's all. Raquel (On phone) What about the month before that? Del (On phone) Yeah, well that was a one- off an' all. Raquel (On phone) Well, I didn't like your attitude. You were willing to gamble with our house- keeping money, with our future in some grotty little South London casino. Del (On phone) Look sweetheart, that's all in the past, I tell you. No more casinos, no more pub. Trigger (Calls) Same again, Del? Del (On phone) Yeah, alright Trig, thanks. Yeah... (Now for Raquel's sake) Just a, you know, a lemon- ade and a lime. We see Raquel smiling at this. Raquel (On phone) Listen to me, stupid. I don't mind you going down the Nag's Head so long as it's not every night! And when you do go down there, I wouldn't mind going as well! Del (On phone) Yeah, well, that's my thoughts entirely, sweet- heart! Exactly. We'll just go down, go down at weekends, you know, just to be sociable. Listen, I tell you what sweetheart, if you're gonna go out shopping, you get me a pair of those chequered slippers and a hundred- weight of 'obnobs. I'm a changed man. I am, I'll even take little Damien out, you know, no excuses! So what do you reckon, sweetheart, can I come and pick you up? Raquel (On phone) Not right now. Damien's fast asleep. Del (On phone) Alright, what about first thing in the morning? Raquel (On phone) I promised to take him up London - Madame Tussaud's. Unless you'd like to come with us? Del (On phone) Oh no, no I can't tomorrow, darling, I'm going to pick up all them Russian VCRs. Erm, look. I'll pick you up tomorrow night, yeah? Raquel (On phone) Alright then. Del (On phone) Alright. Raquel say the magic words. Raquel (On phone) Don't be silly! Del (On phone) Go on, go on Raquel, say the magic words. Raquel (On phone) Tch! I love you, Trotter. Del (On phone) (The winning goal) Yes! Alright, darling, I'll pick you up tomorrow, alright? Ta ta. He replaces the receiver. Del (Cont'd) (To himself) That is it, Del Boy, you're a changed man - this is the first day of the rest of your life. (Calls) Michael! A bottle of your finest champagne, please. Thank you. EXT. NIGHT. THE COUNCIL ESTATE. We are in high position (As if looking down from the rooftop of one of the tower blocks). Below us is the pedestrian concourse between other tower blocks. It's 2 am and all is in darkness save for a couple of street lamps. The world is silent, not even a dog barks in this quiet slumberworld. We now see Del moving unsteadily through the concourse. He knocks a dustbin over and its rattle echoes through the night air. In the distance a dog barks. We cut to: ground level where we find Del shooshing the rattling dustbin lid. Del is drunk but not paralytic. It is a mix of champagne and euphoria. He feels happy and at one with the world. Del (To the rattling dustbin lid) Ssshhhh! Ssshhhh! Ssshhhh! Ssshhhh! Del smiles to the world. He is happy and loved. Del starts singing and the singing slowly gets louder. Del (Singing) 'One voice, singing in the darkness.' We hear the dog start barking. Del (Cont'd) (Singing) 'All it takes is one voice, singing so they hear what's on your mind.' We see a light come on in one of the flats. Del (Cont'd) (Singing) 'And when you look around you'll find there's more than one voice.' We see another two lights switch on in different flats. Del (Cont'd) (Singing) 'Singing in the darkness. Joining with your one voice.' Now another dog joins in the barking. Del (Cont'd) (Singing) 'Each and every note another octave.' Arthur What's going on down there? Del 'Hands are joined and fears unlocked, if only one voice...' A man (Arthur) appears on one of the balconies. He is in pyjamas and dressing gown. Del (Cont'd) (Singing) 'Would start on its own. We `need just one voice...' We now see seven or eight flats are lit. A woman (Vi), also in night attire, appears on balcony in opposite block. A baby starts crying. Vi What's all the racket? Del 'Facing the unknown - and then that one voice would never be alone.' Arthur It's Trotter! He's drunk again! Vi Why don't you go off home to bed, Derek? INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. ALBERT'S BEDROOM. Albert is woken up by Del's singing. He turns on the bedside lamp and moves towards the window. Cut to: EXT. NIGHT. THE COUNCIL ESTATE. Now half the lights in the immediate vicinity are on. More people are out on balconies shouting at Del and each other. A man (Mick) is his mid-forties appears on balcony wearing just a vest and underpants. He has obviously been drinking. Mick begins singing along with Del. Mick 'Pack up all your cares and woes, Here I go, singing low, Bye-bye blackbird.' Del 'It takes that one voice, Singing in the darkness, All it takes is one voice, Shout it out and let it ring, Just one voice, It takes that one voice, And every never be alone, It takes one voice, just one voice...' Arthur (Calling across to Mick) Why don't you shut up, Mick! You're making him worse!! Mick You want me to shut up? Why don't you make me shut up? Arthur Right, I'll shut that big mouth of yours! Downstairs! Mick It's a fight you want? Right, I'm in for some of that! Mick exits into flat. Vi Oh no, that's all we need! Del One voice... We see Albert appear on the Trotters' balcony. Albert (Calls) Del Boy! Del! Come in here! We now se a 30-year old rastafarian (Texo) appear on his balcony. He looks down to see what the fuss is about. He now smiles widely and chuckles to himself. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. Darkness. All is quiet. Rodney and Cassandra are sound asleep. Now the bedside phone rings. Cassandra (Mumbles sleepily) Oh no! Without opening his eyes or moving his head from the pillow, Rodney reaches out and fumbles for the receiver. Rodney (On phone. Clinically asleep) Hello? Yeah... Alright. Bye bye. He replaces the receiver. Pause. Rodney and Cassandra continue sleeping peace- fully. Now one of Rodney's eyes opens slightly as the message begins to register. Now both eyes. Rodney Del Boy's singing in the precinct! Cassandra What? Rodney Del's singing in the precinct. Cassandra I can't hear anything. Rodney No, that was Albert on the phone. Del's singing on the estate. It's quarter past two in the morning and Del's singing! Cassandra Why? Rodney (Punching numbers on phone) I don't know. Cassandra Has he woken anyone up? Rodney Yeah, you and me for a start! (On phone) Albert. Why is Del singing? Yeah... Mmmmmm. Right... (To Cassandra) No, he don't know either. (On phone) What d'you mean, come round? What d'you want me to do - harmonise with him? Albert, there's not a song in the world Del knows all the words to, so he'll be finished in a minute, won't he? No, I am not coming round! I'll see you tomorrow. Rodney replaces the receiver and lays back on bed. Rodney (Cont'd) I don't believe it! I'd better go round and see what's happening! EXT. NIGHT. THE COUNCIL ESTATE. Now virtually all the lights are on. There is mayhem. Mick and Arthur, who have both donned trousers, are squaring up to each other in the precinct. Del is in background still singing. Babies are crying, dogs barking. Del 'Ba da da da da... Just one voice singing in the dark- ness, all it takes is one voice, Shout it out and let it ring, Just one voice, it takes that one voice, and everyone will sing.' We hear the distant sound of police sirens. Mix to: INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. An hour later. Albert enters from kitchen carrying two mugs of coffee. Rodney is looking from the window and down at the riot which is now taking place outside. Reflections of flames flit across the window and Rodney's face. We can hear the sound of breaking glass, police sirens, shouting crowds, burglar alarms and minor explosions. Rodney looks up as we hear the heavy thudding sound of helicopter rotor blades passing overhead. We see the beam of its searchlight pass across the window. He looks back to the precinct. Albert What's happening now, Rodney? Rodney What's happening? They're rioting again, that's what's happening! Why don't you have a look for yourself? Albert You're joking! I might get a brick come through the window! Rodney We're on the twelfth bloody floor, Albert. What d'you think they've done, invited Geoff Capes along? Albert Mrs Murphy says they've brought the horses out. Rodney Yeah. The police have gone to get theirs now. Del enters from bedrooms area wearing his silk dressing gown. Del Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, can't you turn that telly down - I'm in here trying to get some sleep, ain't I, eh? Rodney I don't believe it! Eh! Would you have a look out that window and see what's happening! Del Why, what's the matter now? Rodney There's a full-scale inner- city riot going on downstairs! They're all there, Del Boy. The SPG, snatch squads, looters, people who wanna get on telly, and unless I'm very much mistaken, Kate Adie! Del Oh, oh, well, what started them all off again then? Rodney You! Del Me? What have I done? Del sits down. Albert You were singing, Del. Del Singing? Me? Albert Now don't try an' deny it, son, 'cos I heard you. Del Singing? Oh, yeah, that's... no, wait a minute, I remember now, that's right. I was celebrating, Rodney. Raquel and Damien are coming home. Rodney Oh, that's a good reason for a civil war, innit? Del Well, I was feeling a bit euphoric. (Taking Albert's sandwich) What's more natural than to give vent to your joy with a little song, eh? Albert It was, 'One Voice Singing in the Darkness'. Rodney Yeah. Hark at them now, there's bloody thousands of 'em. Del Alright, OK! (To Rodney) I'm sorry. Rodney Oh well, that's alright then, innit, Albert? Del Alright, what do you want me to do? Tell me what I should do and I'll do it Rodney Oh well, why don't you stand out there on the balcony and shout 'Stop it!'? Del Oh, don't be ridiculous, they won't take no notice of that will they? (Standing up) I tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna get dressed and I'm gonna go down there. Rodney Eh? 'Ere listen, what're you gonna do? You gonna try an' talk sense into 'em? Del No, I'm gonna flog 'em some of this ski gear. Del exits to bedroom area, EXT. DAY. THE MARKET. The following day. The back doors of the three wheel van are open. Rodney is in the back of a larger van which has some insignia that tells us this is: 'Nelson's TV and Video.' Rodney is handing Del flat packed cardboard boxes with Russian writing on them. These are the VCRs Del spoke about. Del is packing them into the back of the three wheel van. Del There we are. Lovely Jubbly. Come on then, off we go. Rodney Aren't you gonna check 'em? Del Mmmm? No, I don't have to - I know what's in them. Russian video recorders. Rodney No, I mean, aren't you gonna check if they're OK? Del Yeah, I've had a look at one. They've got buttons and lights, they seem kosher to me. Go on, get it in there! Del looks up and reacts. We see Beverly passing through the crowd. She sees Del and smiles. This time Del doesn't return the smile. He stares back, frightened. Del turns to Rodney. Del Rodney! Come here quick Rodney. Look at that woman, that woman. Rodney Who? Del There! We see Beverly is no longer there. Rodney What's the matter with you? Del Don't matter, Rodney, forget it! Come on, hurry up, Rodney. Let's get all of this stuff down to the garage, then I've gotta go an' pick up Raquel and Damien from your place. Del now scans the area searching for Beverly. Rodney You alright? Del Yes! Yes. Come on, just... EXT. DAY. LONDON ROADS (INT CAPRI). We see the green Capri pass us, Del driving, Raquel and Damien in back seats and lots of baby paraphernalia piled into the passenger seat. Raquel I saw the riot on TV this morning. What started it this time? Del I dunno. Seems to be the slightest little thing starts it all off these days. Still, it was all nice and quiet when I left this evening. EXT. DAY. THE COUNCIL ESTATE AND INT. CAPRI. We see the riot has started again. We are at a stand off stage. The police and rioters are about thirty yards apart (Mike, Arthur and Vi are among the rioters). The police are banging their riot shields with truncheons in a threatening rhyme. The rioters are jeering and egging the police to come forward. A few sticks are being thrown towards the police. In background a few fired can be seen burning. We see the Capri pull up on the periphery of the riot area. Del and Raquel stare horrified at the scene in front of them. Raquel I thought you said it had all quietened down! We'll have to turn round and go back to Rodney and Cassandra's. Del But we live here! Raquel How the hell are we gonna get through that lot in one piece? Del Well. I'm not turning round! Del starts blasting on the car horn. We see the officer in charge of the riot squad. He hears the car horn and looks in the direction of the little Capri. We see a couple of the leaders of rioters do likewise. Police Officer (Over his speaker to his men) Hold it, hold it, hold it. It's Del Boy! Arthur (To the others) It's Del Boy! The cry goes up from another couple of the rioters as they appeal for a moment's truce. Now the thumping of shields stops. The jeering and throwing of stones, etc, stops. Police Officer (Gesturing to Del) Come through, Del. The Capri now drives slowly down the avenue between the opposing forces, bumping over the rock strewn road. Raquel stares disbelievingly at this miracle. The Capri pulls to a halt. Del calls out to one of the rioters, a young black guy. Del Oi, Texo! I've got that VCR that goes with your camera. Texo Nice one, Del. Be round tomorrow. Del winds down passenger window. He calls to a young PC. Del Oi, Alex! Tell your sister I've got her video recorder! Alex Righto, Del, I'll tell her Tuesday when I go round for tea. Del Lovely jubbly! The Capri drives on until it is clear of the fight- ing. All remains calm still. Del now gives a toot on the horn (like the kick-off whistle). The police immediately start thumping their shields, the rioters start jeering and throwing things- the riot is on again. INT. DAY. THE LIFT FOYER/12TH FLOOR, NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. The following day. Del, in working clothes, exits the lift. Standing by slatted-window we see a middle-aged Asian man. He has one of Del's Russian cameras and is trying to film the estate. The camera obviously isn't working and he thumps it to try and make the motor work. Del quietly unlocks door to his flat and sneaks in before the man can see him. INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. STUDIO. Del closes front door and breathes a sigh of relief. Now he hears two female voices from the living room. He slowly moves towards the living room door, fear growing inside. Here we find Raquel chatting away to Beverly. Del enters and tries desperately to hide his shock. Raquel Oh, Del. This is Beverly. Beverly, this is my... well, this is Del. Beverly Hi. Del Er, wotchya. Raquel Beverly's interested in Damien's high-chair. Del How'd she find out about that? Beverly I saw an ad in the news- agents' window - I was out the other night on my own, you know, nothing to do... Del Oh, yeah? Beverly (To Raquel) It's for my daughter's baby. Raquel His name's Damien as well! Del Oh, cushty! Raquel Could you deliver it later today? Del Yeah, I suppose so, yeah. Raquel Del. Beverly might not be able to afford the full amount. D'you think we could come to some arrangement with her? Del Yeah, yeah, well yeah. I'll leave it up you, sweetheart. Look, I've just remembered, I've got to go out and meet someone. Yeah. Beverly Nice meeting you. Del Yeah, bye. Del exits to hall. Raquel He's not usually like that. Must be pressure of business. Beverly Mmmh. INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. Rodney is seated at a table eating his lunch. Del joins him. Del Rodney, Rodney, Rodders. I've got a problem. I've got a big problem. Do you know that woman we saw in the market the other day? Rodney What, the one that wasn't there? Del Yes, that one! She's only haunting me, Rodney, she's only bloody haunting me! Rodney Haunting? What d'you mean haunting you? Del She's haunting me. She... She's the one that I made a date with and then gave her the elbow! And, ever since then, she's every- where that I look! I mean, the other night she was here in the pub! And then this morning I was driving down the road and she was standing there by a bus stop, and then she was in the market the other day - you saw her! Rodney No, I didn't. Del Yeah, see what I mean? And today, to top it all, today I went home and she's in my flat! Rodney What was she doing in your flat? Del Oh she said that she'd come to buy Damien's high-chair! If she thinks I'm gonna believe that she's got another think coming. Rodney How'd she know it was for sale? Del She said that she saw the ad that I placed in the news- agents! Rodney Oh, that is a bit far fetched, innit? Del Exactly! Rodney Oh, you crack me up, you do! Let's have a look at the facts, shall we? So she was in this pub! Now maybe, just maybe, she was having a drink! And then you saw her in the market at lunchtime - do you reckon she might have been shopping? Del Bit of a coincidence, though that, innit? Rodney And then you saw her waiting at a bus stop! Now, this is just a hunch, Del - but do you reckon there is an outside chance that she might have been waiting for a bus? Del Well, I don't know, do I! I tell you what I do know, though. She is an ex- psychiatric patient! Rodney So? Del So?! She is a jealous woman Rodney. A woman scorned! Now, jealous women are no problem to me normally, you know, I mean I can handle all that, but this one is a jealous woman who is an olive short of a pizza! And she knows where we live! We could all wake up one morning and find we was killed while we was asleep! Rodney You're just letting your imagination run away with you. Does she seem odd in any way? Del I don't know! You can judge for yourself, you've gotta deliver the high chair! Del throws a scrap of paper with address onto table. Rodney Why have I got to go? Del Because I've got a wife and kid. Rodney Yeah, but I've got a wife and a... thermometer. INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. One hour later. Nobody is in the lounge at this moment. Del (same clothes as previous scene) enters from hall /front door. Del (Calls) Raquel! Raquel! Where are... Raquel! There is no reply. Now Del senses something is wrong. He scans the room trying to find a clue to his intuitive reaction. Now he finds Gerry the gerbil's cage. The door to the cage is open and it is empty. Something draws his attention towards the kitchen. Cut to kitchen. Del enters. On the stove we see a large aluminium cooking pot which is bubbling and steaming. Del, terrified of what he might find, approaches the pot. He removes the lid and peers in. He reels back in horror. Del Oh no, oh my God! Raquel rushes into the kitchen. Raquel What's happened? Look! He takes a pair of wooden tongs and pulls a pair of white long-johns from pot. Raquel What's wrong, Del? Del Albert's boiling his pants again! Where's the gerbil? Raquel In Damien's room, he's play- ing with it. Del, what is wrong with you? Del I've gotta sort this all out. I've got to sort it all out. I gotta go out, darling. I've gotta meet someone. Del exits. EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET/DENTAL SURGERY. Fifteen minutes later. The Capri screeches to a halt outside the surgery. Del alights and rushes into the surgery. INT. DAY. DENTIST'S WAITING ROOM. Three of four patients are waiting. Beverly is behind the counter. Del rushes in. Del (To Beverly) Right, now you listen to what I've got to say! You leave me and my family alone. You don't frighten me! I'm not scared of you. The deep-toned buzzer rings. Beverly Mr James. Mr James enters the surgery as Trigger exits. Beverly (Cont'd) What's wrong with you, you moron? Trigger Oh, just a couple of fill- ings. Alright, Del? Del Yeah. Yeah, see you later, Trig. Trigger exits. Del (Cont'd) (To Beverly) You were following me! Beverly I've been following you?! Del Yes! Beverly I thought it was the other way around! Del What? Beverly Everywhere I go I see you! I go in the pub with my daughter and son-in-law and you're there. I'm waiting for a bus and you drive by! I go and do a bit of lunchtime shopping in the market and surprise, surprise, there you are again! I even went to buy a second-hand high chair and you walked in! Del I live there! Beverly OK, I'll let you off that one! Del Right. Beverly Listen. I think, Mr Trotter, our wires have become crossed somewhere along the line. Del But you were in a psychia- tric hospital! Beverly Yes? Del Oh no, don't try and deny it! No, a friend of mine was visiting a relative there, and he saw you! Beverly I worked there as a receptionist. Del Sorry? Beverly I'm a medical receptionist! Beverly gestures to the counter and appointments book. Beverly (Cont'd) It's what I do, see! Del So you weren't following me? Beverly Good god! D'you think I'm hard up? Now understand this, Mr Trotter. If you follow me or come to my place of work and pester me again, I'm gonna go to court and take out an injunction against you. Del Don't you worry, darling, this is the last we'll hear of each other. Beverly Good! Oh, and by the way, I suppose I should have expected as much, but that high-chair's got a screw loose. Del Well, tighten it! Del exits. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. STUDIO. This is Christmas day. All the family are there. Del (Pouring a drink) There we are, sweetheart, go on, then, get that down you. Rodney That was a lovely dinner, Raquel. Raquel Thanks. Another drink, Cassandra? Cassandra Better not, I'm doing the driving. Del No, no, no, no, come on, you can stay over tonight. We've got plenty of room, we can all mix in, can't we? Cassandra (To Rodney) Shall we? Rodney Yeah, let's enjoy ourselves, eh? Del Yes, that's it, you know it makes sense! Oh, darling, shall I put your Tubular Bells on? Raquel No, no! Er, not yet, Del. Del Alright. She loves that Tubular Bells. (To Damien) Hey, come on Champ. It's bedtime for you. Come along, that's it! Let's go to bed, that's it, good boy, off we go. Everyone Good night. Del Say goodnight. 4Damien Na-night! Del Look, isn't that lovely? He's only ten. (To Damien) Here we go. Which is your room then? Del and Damien exit to bedrooms area. Cassandra (To Raquel) So, what d'you get Del for Christmas? Raquel I got him one of those answering machines he's always on about. Albert That'll save me getting any more rollockings for forget- ting messages! Rodney Yeah. You know, this is quite a good one. How much did this cost you? Rodney plugs the phone into the wall. Raquel Ssh. It didn't actually cost anything. I swapped it for Damien's high-chair. Rodney Yeah, well you know I reckon you got a good deal there. Does it work? We hear a beep from machine. Now we hear Del's voice. Del (On machine) Oh hello, Beverly, this is Del Boy. Erm listen, I'm sorry, I've gotta cancel our date tonight. Erm, yeah, I'll, er, I'll give you a call some other time. Alright? Bonjour. The line goes dead. We see Raquel's reaction and Rodney's, Cassandra's and Albert's. Del enters from bedrooms area with one of his Russian cameras on his shoulders filming the family. Del (Singing) Watch out, Trotter's about. Hey, watch out, Trotter's about! Hey hey hey hey watch out now Trotter's about. Hey come on, what's the matter with you, eh? Eh? Well come on, smile! V/O continues over cut to: EXT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT. Crane down from ext. balcony to see new tree and the children looking up at it. Del (Cont'd) What's wrong, sweetheart? Raquel Don't touch me, Trotter! Don't come near me, don't even look at me! We hear a door slam. Del What have you said to her, Rodney? Rodney Me? I haven't said anything! Cassandra Don't try and blame Rodney, it's nothing to do with him! Albert Don't look at me either, son. I'm keeping out of this! Del Look, ah, there you are, Raquel. You feeling better now, darling? We hear a China ornament smash against a wall. Del (Cont'd) Eh? Raquel, that could have hit me! Raquel It was meant to hit you! Del Will someone tell me what have I done! What have I done? The singing ('Silent Night') now takes over from the row.


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