INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
There is a Christmas tree and a few decorations in the
background. The table is laid for breakfast with all
the usual condiments plus a half-full plastic bottle
of tomato ketchup.
Damien, in his jim-jams, is seated in a high-chair
eating scrambled eggs and beans.
Albert is seated at the table reading the Daily Mirror
- headlines read: 'Peckham Riots!' sub-headline; 'an
excuse for looting, say police'.
An icy Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying two
plates of sausage, egg and baked beans. She slams the
plates down on the table which makes Albert jump in
fear of this angry woman.
She opens the door to bedroom area and calls.
Raquel
(Angrily)
Derek!!! Your breakfast has
been on the table for the
last fifteen minutes!
Raquel returns to table.
Raquel
(Sweetly to
Damien)
Is that nice?
Albert
Yes, thank you.
Raquel
I was talking to Damien!
Albert squeezes some ketchup onto his plate and the
plastic bottle makes that awful, squelchy farting
sound.
Raquel
Next time you do the
shopping, buy the ketchup
in a glass bottle! And
another thing Albert, will
you please stop boiling your
old vests and pants out on
our cooker? This is almost
the twenty-first century and
we have washing machines
for that sort of thing!
Albert
Look, Raquel, why are you
angry at me? I'm not the one
who's been coming home late
every night! I'm always here
in the flat.
Raquel
(Icily)
Yes! Aren't you just?
Raquel exits to kitchen. Del enters from bedrooms area.
He yawns and then holds his aching jaw.
Del
Good morning, Unc.
Albert
Morning.
Del
Bloody tooth!
(To Damien)
Hello, Champ! Good morning!
How are you this morning?
This looks really good,
dunnit, eh?
Albert
You're in trouble, son.
Raquel's on the warpath.
Del
Oh, she don't frighten me,
Albert. I've handled much
more violent women than her.
Raquel enters from kitchen.
Del
(Cont'd)
Good morning, sweetheart.
Any calls for me last
night, was there?
Raquel
I haven't a clue - I went
to bed early! Why don't you
get yourself an answering
machine, Derek?
Del
An answering machine, good
idea darling, yes, just what
the business needs is an
ansaphone. Especially seeing
as you're too exhausted to
do it these days.
(Before Raquel
can answer)
I tell you what, Damien's
getting a bit big for that
high chair - look at him,
he'll be starting work soon.
Raquel
There's nothing wrong with
the high-chair.
Del
Exactly! No, that is in very
good nick. I might get a few
quid for that. I think I'll
put an ad in the local news-
agents.
Raquel
What time d'you get in last
night?
Del
Me? Oh, er, 'bout... quarter
past twelve.
Raquel
It was twenty to two.
Del
Was it? The battery's going
in this watch.
Raquel
So, where were you?
Del
I went down the Nag's Head
and had a swift half, and
then I had to go and meet
someone in the casino.
Raquel
Oh? That's a relief. For a
minute there I was worried
you might be squandering
our money.
Albert
How much d'you win, son?
Del
(Quietly)
Shuddup!
Raquel
Don't be silly, Albert. Del
doesn't know what winning
is! Eat your breakfast, Del.
Del
I thought you said all this
fried stuff was bad for my
veins.
Raquel
Eat your breakfast Del.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Albert
She's not happy, son!
Del
Well, she's a woman, isn't
she? Anyway, it takes me
mind of me tooth.
Albert
I don't know! What with you
and poor Rodney. He's
starting to look ashen-
faced, ain't he?
Del
He does look a bit cream-
crackered of late. Don't
worry, I'll have a word
with him, I usually manage
to sort out his problems.
Del squeezes ketchup onto his plate accompanied by
the farting sound. There is no reaction from Albert.
INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S LOUNGE.
Phone conversation intercut with Trotters kitchen at
the same time. The phone rings.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Hello?
We intercut between Raquel (on cordless phone in the
Trotters' kitchen) and Cassandra.
Raquel
(On phone)
Cassandra? It's Raquel. Can
you talk? Rodney's not
there, is he?
Cassandra
(On phone)
No, he's left for work.
Raquel
I just phoned to see what
the doctor said last
night?
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh, she was ever so nice.
Basically, she said not to
worry. She's got three
couples on her books who've
been trying for babies for
over a year, so, Rodney and
I are almost rookies. I've
got to take my temperature
hourly, keep a chart, all
the usual stuff. Oh, and
she's given me some
exercises that are supposed
to strengthen the muscles.
Raquel
(On phone)
Have you abandoned that,
erm 'schedule' thing she
worked out for you? I don't
know how either of you kept
up the pace! It sounded
excessive for Mel Gibson
and his wife let alone you
and Rodney!
Cassandra
(On phone)
No, I've decided to continue
with that. I know it hasn't
worked, but Rodney's enjoyed
himself trying!
They both laugh.
EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET/BUS PASSING/BUS INTERIOR.
We cut inside the bus where we see Rodney wearing work-
ing clothes. He appears depressed, put upon and almost
asleep. Behind him we see Mickey Pearce stand and move
up the aisle to alight from bus.
Mickey
Alright, Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah alright, Mick.
Mickey
What you been up to? You
look like some vampire's
been having a go at you!
Rodney
I'm fine, thank you very
much!
Mickey
You weren't involved in that
riot on the estate the other
night, were you?
Rodney
No, I was not! As if I'd get
involved in a riot!
Mickey
You don't look well!
Mickey turns to talk to an old lady behind him - every-
one's aunt sort of thing.
Mickey
(Cont'd)
He look's shagged out, don't
he, love?
Lady
(To Rodney)
You don't look well, dear.
Rodney
There's nothing wrong with
me, alright?
INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM/TROTTERS'
FLAT.
Continuation of phone conversation.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Raquel, you haven't mention-
ed this baby business to Del,
have you?
Raquel
(On phone)
Of Course not!
Cassandra
(On phone)
Rodney thinks we ought to
choose the right time to tell
him.
Raquel
(On phone)
I'll leave it to you.
Cassandra
(On phone)
How are things with you and
Del?
Raquel
(On phone)
Much the same. He didn't get
in 'til twenty to two this
morning.
Cassandra
Why don't you ask Rodney to
find out what's happening?
Raquel
(On phone)
Because I'm a bit frightened
of what the answer might be.
I think the first flush of
fatherhood and domesticity
has cooled and he's gone
back to his old ways - down
the pubs and casinos with
his stupid mates!
Raquel hears a noise in the living room
Raquel
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Oh, I'll have to go,
someone's coming. Talk to
you soon. Bye.
Raquel switches the phone off.
Del enters the kitchen.
Del
He's dropped a load of beans
on the carpet.
Raquel
Well, why don't you wipe
them up?
Del
Me? No, let the old git wipe
'em up himself!
Raquel
Oh, Albert!
Del
Have you spoken to Cassandra
recently?
Raquel
No.
Del
Well, when you do can you
find out if there's anything
wrong between her and
Rodders.
Raquel
Don't go interfering in
their lives, Del!
Del
Eh? He's my young brother,
I've got a right to
interfere. If they've got a
problem, I just wanna help
out.
Raquel laughs at the irony of Del's last statement.
Raquel
Oh, God! That is the best
yet!
Raquel exits to lounge.
Cut to lounge. Raquel enters. She picks up Damien from
his chair.
Raquel
Come on, time for your
wash.
Albert starts to exit thinking Raquel is talking to
him.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
Not you, Albert! If you're
doing this to annoy me, it's
not working!
Albert returns. Del enters from the kitchen.
Del
Makes you wonder whether
it's all worth while, don't
it, Unc?
Albert
If you say so...
Albert exits to hall. Del now reacts as his bare foot
lands in the small pile of baked beans.
Del
(To himself)
You mucky old sod!
Albert enters from the hall carrying a small leaflet.
Albert
I picked this up at the
library yesterday.
We see the front page of the leaflet which bears the
single word 'Relate'.
Del
Relate?
Albert
It's the new word for
marriage guidance. I didn't
know if it'd be any good to
you.
Del
Yeah. Oh, thanks very much,
Unc. Actually, it's just
the sort of thing I'm
looking for, this.
Albert turns his back and moves to armchair and so
doesn't see Del using the leaflet to wipe the beans
from his foot.
Del
(Cont'd)
I'm just gonna go and make
a private phone call.
Del exits to kitchen and closes the door behind him.
INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM/TROTTER FLAT.
Cassandra is on the bed, doing exercises. The phone
rings. We intercut between Del (in kitchen) and
Cassandra.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Hello?
Del
(On phone)
Oh, hello Cassandra, It's
Del Boy. How are you,
sweetheart?
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh fine, thanks.
Del
(On phone)
Cushty. Look Cassandra, I
don't want to interfere or
anything like that, but I'm
a little bit worried about
young Rodders. Well, he
seems to be a bit worried -
he's not his old self. And
I just wondered if there
was anything I could do to
help?
Cassandra
(On phone)
Look, if you must know, Del,
Rodney and I are trying for
a baby.
Del
(On phone)
Yeah alright, I'll get off
the phone then, alright!
Cassandra
No! not right now! Rodney's
not even here, he left half
an hour ago.
Del
Blimey, he left half an hour
ago, and you're still
panting?
Cassandra
(On phone)
I'm in the middle of my
exercises!
Del
(On phone)
Oh! Your exercises? I see
what you mean! I thought that
you... well, never mind what
I thought. But look, I can't
help you unless you let me
know what is happening.
Cassandra
(Hands over the
mouthpiece)
Oh God!
Cut to Trotters' lounge. Rodney enters from front door.
Rodney
Alright?
Rodney flops down on the settee.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Where is everyone?
Albert
Raquel's seeing to the little
'un and Del's in the kitchen
making a private phone call.
Rodney
Who to?
Albert
I think it's the marriage
guidance people.
Rodney
But him and Raquel aren't
married.
Albert
I know, but they row, don't
they? I'll make you a new pot
of tea, son.
Rodney
Oh, yeah, cheers.
Albert exits to the kitchen. He leaves the kitchen door
open. We see Del in the kitchen talking on the phone.
He has his back to us. He wanders in and out of shot
but never sees that Rodney is present.
Del
(On phone)
No, you see, the thing is,
you know that a man, well a
man, any man can lose
his... his drive.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Rodney hasn't lost his
drive!
Rodney, believing Del is talking to a Relate counselor,
can't believe what he's hearing. He gets up and moves
nearer kitchen door.
Del
(On phone)
No, no, no, I'm not saying
that is happening, no. But
what I'm saying is that, you
know, a man, can, well you
know, lose his... oomph.
Rodney is silently laughing.
Del
(Cont'd)
And naturally, you see, she
becomes disappointed and
frustrated. But that's not
necessarily the man's fault,
is it, eh?
Del closes the door.
Raquel enters from bedrooms area.
Rodney
Morning Raquel.
Raquel
Oh morning, Rodney. Where's
Del?
Rodney
He's on the phone.
Raquel
Who to?
Rodney
Dunno! So, how's life treat-
ing you?
Raquel
How's life treating me? D'you
mean besides him coming at
all hours of the morning,
spending every spare hour
with his mates down the pub
and wasting our money in that
casino?
Rodney
Yeah.
Raquel
Well, I'll give you an
example of how life's
treating me, Rodney. Have you
seen what's inside my
wardrobe?
Rodney
No.
Raquel
Well, not to put too fine a
point on it, the only times
my clothes look fashionable
is when I'm watching UK
Gold! Now, a short while
ago, Del happened to mention
that he had a contact in the
rag trade. This fella could
get the very latest in
fashion and all the top
designer-labels. Christmas
was approaching, and Del
asked me what I'd like.
'Anything you want, sweet-
heart, just name it'. So, I
little number by Bruce
Oldfield.
(Holding up an
LP cover)
He got me Tubular Bells!
Rodney
That's Mike Oldfield!
Raquel
I know!
Cut back to kitchen.
Del
(On phone)
Yeah, now all you've got to
do, sweetheart, is you just
take your time and you'll
have a lovely healthy baby.
Just like my Damien, nine
pounds, he was, yeah. I
remember the day he was
born. Yeah, of course, me
and Raquel, you know,
haven't given up hope of
doing it again sometime.
Albert exits to kitchen and leaves the door open.
Cassandra
(On phone)
What's a baby's weight got to
do with it?
Del, on phone, is loud enough
for Rodney to hear.
Del
No, no, no, It doesn't
matter how big it is, does
it?
Rodney turns away to hide his laughter from Raquel.
Raquel
(Calls)
Who are you talking to?
Del
Cassandra!
Rodney
Get off that phone!
Del
Morning, Rodders!
Rodney grabs the phone away from Del.
Rodney
(On phone)
Cassandra, why are you doing
discussing our private life
with him? I don't care.
This'll be all over the Nag's
Head by dinner time!
Del has exited to the lounge.
Del
(To Raquel)
That's the thanks I get!
Raquel
I thought you'd have been
used to it by now!
EXT. DAY. THE COUNCIL ESTATE. FILM.
Three minutes later.
All around we have evidence of the recent riot. The
shells of burnt out cars still smouldering, rocks and
broken glass are strewn across the roads, some of the
ground floor flats have their windows boarded and
somewhere we see the sad remains of a large communal
Christmas tree now black and burnt. The three wheel
van passes us and bumps over the stones, etc.
Del
They still ain't cleared
this place up yet, have
they?
Rodney
Not a lot of point. I've
heard they're expecting
another riot. They reckon
anything could set it off.
Del
I Heard they're thinking of
twinning this estate with
Jurassic Park!
Del and Rodney both laugh.
Del
(A sudden tooth
pain)
Caw, bloody hell!
Rodney
You wanna go somewhere with
that tooth.
Del
I go everywhere with it,
don't I? It's stuck in me
bloody head!
Rodney
I meant the dentist!
Del
Yes, I will.
Rodney
Can I switch the radio on?
Del
Yeah, go on then, alright.
Rodney switches the radio on. We hear the song 'One
Voice'. Del sings along with a couple of bars.
Del
(Cont'd)
Do you know, this is
Raquel's most favourite
number?
Rodney
Yeah? Can I switch it off?
Del
No, leave it... Every time I
hear this number you know it
always reminds me of my
Raquel. Yeah, go on. Switch
it off.
INT. DAY. SID'S CAFE.
The last verse or so of 'One Voice' is playing on Sid's
radio. Denzil and Trigger, in working clothes, are at
counter talking to Sid. Sid hands Denzil a bowl of
porridge.
Sid
There you go, Denzil, one
bowl of piping hot porridge.
That'll warm you up on a
cold morning.
Denzil
Cheers, Sid.
(Handing Sid
money)
There's a hair in this.
Denzil pulls the hair out of his porridge.
Sid
Give it here.
Sid takes the hair and flicks it behind the counter.
Denzil
There's another one!
Sid
Hang on.
Denzil
That's disgusting that is,
Sid. If the health
authorities saw this they'd
close you down!
Sid
I've been closed down for a
lot worse than that, Denzil!
(To Trigger)
I hate these politically
correct people!
Trigger
Yeah.
Sid
What're you having, Trig?
Trigger
I'll try some of that
porridge.
Del and Rodney enter.
Del
Just a cup of tea for me,
Rodney.
Rodney moves to counter.
Rodney
Two teas, Sid.
Trigger
Alright, Dave?
Rodney
Yeah, alright, Trig.
Denzil
Don't have the porridge,
Rodney. I've just found
hairs in mine.
Sid
It was only two hairs!
Denzil
That's enough, isn't it?
Del
Maybe there's a sporran in
it.
Denzil
So how's it going, Del? You
got all your Christmas
presents?
Del
No, not yet. Damien wants a
pet.
Denzil
I didn't think the council
allowed pets.
Del
No, a little one, you know,
like a rabbit or a guinea-
pig, something like that.
Trigger and Rodney join them.
Trigger
How's it going, Del?
Del
Don't ask, Trig.
Denzil
Things still the same then,
eh?
Del
Yeah, still giving me strife.
Trigger
Yeah, it's a bitch, innit?
Del
(Surprised by
Trigger's tone)
Well, that's stronging it a
bit, Trig!
Trigger
No, you're too soft, Del!
I've been in exactly the same
boat as you have. D'you know
what I done? I got shot of
it!
Denzil
Look? Trig, it's not as
simple as just get shot of
'it'.
Rodney
No, Del loves... Well, a
strong bond exists, doesn't
it Del?
Del
Yeah. We've been together a
long time.
Trigger
And you're just gonna get
more and more aggro! I know
how you feel. You become
attached to 'em, give 'em
little pet names. I've done
it. But take my advice,
Del, Get down the dentists
and have it out.
Del
Oh, my tooth!?
Trigger
It's best in the long run,
Del. Try my dentist, he's
good, I've been going to him
for years.
Del
Yeah, alright. I might try
that, Trig.
Denzil
Trig, we were talking about
Del and Raquel!
(To Del)
Are you having rows?
Rodney
He's never there to find out,
are you?
Del
No. She's still talking to me
- unfortunately! I'll never
understand the workings of a
woman's mind. I suppose
that's why I gave up trying
in the end.
(To Rodney)
'Ere, who was that bird I
used to go out with?
Rodney
Which one?
Del
Cor, what was her name?
Trigger
What's she look like?
Del
She was a redhead.
Denzil
One of the redheads...
Pauline?
Del
No.
Rodney
Veronique from Woolworths?
Del
No.
Trigger
Janine?
Del
Her?
Rodney
Marian?
Del
Who's Marion?
Rodney
I don't know. You meet her
up Catford Dog Track, you
bought her a ring.
Del
Oh yeah. No, not her! No, no,
who am I thinking about? What
was her name? Her dad was a
tattooist. She had this
tattoo of a heart with a
dagger going through it on
her thigh.
Rodney
Don't ring a bell.
Del
Well, you would have only
been about two. What was her
name? She worked in a betting
shop down Lewisham Grove.
Trigger
A betting shop...
Denzil
Down Lewisham Grove.
Del
Look, it don't matter. I
went out with her for - it
must of been a month!
Actually, she was going
steady with another bloke at
the time, but it didn't
worry me! Made it more
exciting. Well, she was a
sporting girl - a good all-
rounder you know what I
mean? Well, I'd saved up me
money, right, to take her on
holiday - it was gonna be
really exotic. You know,
the holiday of a lifetime.
When all of a sudden, right
out of the blue, for no
reason, she packed me in.
And yet, the night before,
I'd taken her home to meet
me Mum and Dad for the
first time.
Rodney
Yeah?
Del
So, the next day I went down
the betting shop, you know,
to have a chat, take her out
for lunch an' all that. And
they said that she weren't
there, but I knew that she
was 'cos I saw her crash
helmet hanging up on the
hook. You know where I found
her? She was hiding on the
roof. She said she was
sunbathing.
Denzil
Well, maybe she was sun-
bathing.
Del
Na, it was a sloping roof. I
mean, there she was, with her
back against the tiles and
her Stilettos jammed in the
gutter. She nearly fell off
twice. Anyway, that was that.
Cor, blimey, what was her
name?
Trigger
D'you get your money back on
the holiday?
Del
No. You know what these
caravan sites are like, don't
you?
INT. NIGHT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB/CASINO.
Averagely crowded. We see the various card games,
roulette, etc in action. Del, in evening suit, is
standing at the bar drinking a scotch. We see Rodney,
suited up, approaching the bar.
Rodney
Del Boy.
Del
Rodders! What're you doing
here?
Rodney
Well, I had a couple of
hours to kill. So I said to
Cass I'll pop down the club
and see Del.
Del
Good.
(Calls)
'Ere Miguel, there you are
look, a lager-top, please.
Rodney
You're drinking a lot of
scotch these days.
Del
Yeah, well, It's the only
thing that dulls the pain,
innit?
Rodney
Talk to her, Del. There's
nothing that can't be
sorted by talking it out.
Del
I'm not talking about Raquel.
I'm talking about my bloody
tooth.
Rodney
Go to the dentists then!
Del
I don't like dentists!
Rodney
Well then let it go rotten
and get septicemia.
Del
Look, shuddup moaning will
you? I've come here to
psyche myself up for the
game and you do nothing but
lecture me. It's like
playing poker with Neil
Kinnock!
Boycie, in evening suit, joins them.
Boycie
Del Boy. Rodney!
Del
How's it going, Boycie?
Boycie
Life's one long uphill
struggle at the moment Derek.
The second-hand car business
is in its biggest slump
since - well, since the last
one. Me and Marlene could
only afford one week's
holiday in Barbados this
year.
Del
Oh that's terrible, innit?
Please, don't go on about it,
you know how easy I cry.
(To Rodney)
We'll have to hold a whip
for him.
Rodney
Yeah, can I count the
lashes?
Boycie
Look, I happen to believe
that everyone has the right
to expect a certain standard
of living. I mean, it's
alright for you, coming from
that council estate -
sometimes I almost envy you.
Not often, I must admit.
Especially with all the
problems you've got.
Del
We ain't got no problems.
Raquel and I are just going
through a sticky patch,
that's all!
Boycie
When I mention 'problems', I
was referring to that riot
the other night. I hear they
went through the whole
estate looking for any
halfway-decent vehicle and
then setting fire to it!
(With big grin)
Your three-wheeled van
alright was it, Del Boy?
Del
Yes, thank you, Boycie, they
didn't lay a finger on it.
Boycie
Well, that's a Godsend, at
least.
Del
Yeah, that's only 'cos I
know the leader of the
rioters! Terrible though,
innit, eh? The way they set
fire to their own people's
property when there's a very
big car site just up the
road!
Rodney
But that's Boycie's car
site, Derek.
Del
Oh, is it Rodney?! Well,
let's hope that someone does
not suggest that to the
rioters - eh, Boycie?
Boycie
(Calls)
Miguel, can you get my
friends a drink? Same again
please and put it on my
account. Well, I must be
off. Lots of luck, eh?
Del
Yeah. Cheers, Boycie.
Boycie exits. Del and Rodney laugh with each other.
Del
(Cont'd)
Miguel!
A very voluptuous and attractive young girl is now
behind Del. She wears a low-cut dress and a wonderbra
(or uplift-bra) so her breasts are propped high and
round. She should be a tall girl so that Del stands
almost eyeball to breast with her. Del turns and reacts
as if slightly dizzy.
Del
(Cont'd)
Cor, blimey! I don't know
about me teeth! I think my
eyes need testing. I turned
round a bit quick just then
and I thought Right Said
Fred had just walked in.
Rodney laughs. His laughter now dies as the girl's
large and tough looking boyfriend stares at him.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTER' LOUNGE.
Raquel is ironing. Albert is asleep in the chair. We
can hear and see the TV (Crimewatch).
Sue Cook
Good night.
Nick Ross
Good night.
Raquel looks at the clock.
INT. NIGHT. ONE TO ELEVEN CLUB.
This is a few hours later. Ties have been loosened,
etc. There is a smoky atmosphere.
Del and Rodney are seated at the roulette table.
Del
Ain't you gonna have a bet?
Rodney
No I'm not. It's a mug's
game. Hasn't it dawned on
you yet that the only one
who wins is the casino
owner?
The croupier pushes a bundle of chips to Del.
Del
Sorry, what were you saying?
Rodney
Yeah, alright, so you were
lucky. Well, you've won now
so let's go home.
Del
Don't talk wet - I'm on a
roll! We'll play the evens.
Del places all his chips in the appropriate square.
Rodney
Del, will you spare one
moment's thought for Raquel?
Del
Who d'you think I'm doing
this for, Rodney? I'm doing
this for her and Damien!
Rodney, I couldn't say
anything before - because I
didn't want the word to get
out - it's been very
delicate. But I'm tryin' to
put together a big deal
with Ronnie Nelson.
Rodney
So what are you doing down
here at the One to One club
most nights?
Del
Because he owns it, don't
he? He don't come in before
one o'clock in the morning,
so I've gotta hang about to
have a word with him. I
can't let this deal slip
through me fingers, Rodney!
I'll tell you what it is,
it's ix hundred and fifty
hand-held camcorders. Made
in Russia.
Rodney
Russian camcorders? I didn't
think they went in for all
that 'You've Been Framed'
cobblers.
Del
No, these are ex-military,
They've got night vision on
them and everything.
Rodney
So, we're gonna buy six
hundred and fifty Russian
Army camcorders?
Del
Yeah, with a bit of luck...
Eight hundred and ninety-
five quid.
Rodney
You're gonna pay eight
hundred and ninety five
pound for a camera?
Del
No, eight hundred and ninety
five quid for the lot!
Rodney
They sound very classy.
Del
State of the art!
Croupier
Thirty red.
The croupier pushes a large pile of chips to Del. Del
places them all back on evens.
Del
(Smiling smugly
at Rodney)
Aren't you gonna have a bet?
Rodney
No! Look, try an' look at it
from Raquel's point of view,
Del. She's in that flat
night after night with
Horatio and his tales of the
sea and you're down here
drinking and gambling.
Del
I know!! And does she
appreciate it?
Rodney
NO!
Del
No! She does not! Honestly,
she thinks I'm out every
night enjoying myself!
(Finishing scotch.
To waitress)
Excuse me darling, same
again, please? That's the
trouble with women, Rodney,
they change - and they
expect you to change with
'em. She wanted me to become
a pipe and slippers man, you
know - having a cup of tea
and a biscuit, and watching
Family Fortunes. Well, stuff
that for a game of toy
soldiers! Don't get me
wrong, I'm not adverse to a
cup of Darjeeling and an
'obnob, but there is a time
and a place for everything.
I like life on the tightrope.
And I enjoy the company of
me mates and I don't see why
I should change just 'cos
I've met Raquel?
Rodney
And who are your mates, Del?
Boycie, the freemason, a
total snob who thinks that
anyone who's got a pound
less than him's a peasant!
Denzil's a man who eats
porridge with a wig in it!
And then we have Trigger, a
road sweeper who gives pet
names to his teeth!
Del
They're still me mates! I'm
not like you, Rodders. Del
Boy's not for turning!
Rodney
What's that supposed to
mean? Marriage hasn't changed
me!
Del
Oh it has, Rodney! I've seen
you and that Cassandra -
she's into this conservation
malarkey, and so is Rodney
as well.
Rodney
Look, I have not changed,
Del. When I make my mind up
about something, nothing can
alter it! Alright?
Croupier
140 pieces sir, thank you.
The croupier pushes a massive pile of chips to Del.
Del
We'll stick with evens, shall
we?
Rodney
I'm gonna go and get some
chips!
Del laughs as Rodney moves towards cashier.
INT. NIGHT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB.
The club is less crowded now. Del and Rodney are still
at the roulette table but now Del only has one chip
left. He and Rodney both look desperate.
Rodney
(Appealing to the
ball)
Come on! Reds! Reds! Reds!
The waitress approaches Del.
Waitress
Excuse me, Del, I'm afraid
Ronnie won't be in now -
I'll leave a message for
him.
Del
Yeah, alright... Thanks!...
Come on, Rodney, let's go
home.
Rodney
No, hang on. The ball ain't
landed yet!
Croupier
Seventeen, black.
Rodney
Shit!
They stand. Del flips his last chip to the croupier
and they walk towards the entrance.
Del
Rodney, how much d'you
lose?
Rodney
Fifty.
Del
You plonker.
Rodney
I wouldn't have gambled at
all if you hadn't
encouraged me!
Del
Oi, oi, oi, don't blame me!
What d'you come here for
anyway if you didn't want a
flutter?
Rodney
I'll tell you why, shall I?
Cassandra suggested I come
down here.
Del
Oh, yeah, Why?
Rodney
So as we can get you home at
a decent hour. We are trying
to save your relationship
with Raquel! You've been
falling in half past one and
two o'clock in the morning!
And it is not on Del!
They arrive at exit door.
EXT. DAY. ONE ELEVEN CLUB/LONDON STREET.
A milk float is passing. Del and Rodney exit and stare
incredulously at the daylight.
Rodney
It's daytime!
Del
It's eight o'clock in the
morning! This is all your
fault, Dopey!
Rodney
Me?!
Del
Yes! You, you, you kept me
talking in there!
Rodney
Oh yeah? And who was it
doing all the gambling?
Del
Well, you were doing your
fair share! Cor blimey, I
could have been home hours
ago if it weren't for you!
You've really dropped me
in it this time, Rodney!
Rodney
You...
They are walking away from camera.
Del
Look, we've gotta be down
the market in half an hour!
EXT. DAY. MARKET. FILM.
At this point we just see Del and a small crowd. Behind
Del there are a few cardboard boxes declaring the name
of some Mickey Mouse ski-equipment company.
Laying on the boxes are a couple of gaudily-coloured
ski jackets, etc.
Del
(Talking to crowd)
Right, listen, I know what
you're thinking, I know what
you're thinking, because I
can read your minds. You're
thinking, what do I want
with all this skiing
equipment? There ain't no
mountains in Peckham.
Absolutely true. In a few
months time you yourself may
decide to take an Alpine
holiday. Now, due to my
unique style of bulk-buying,
you can go togged out in the
latest up-to-the-minute
fashion at bargain basement
prices. Now I'm gonna show
you how stylish this gear is
because it is being modeled
now by my younger brother,
Rodney.
We now see Rodney standing close by. He wears the
complete skiing outfit save for skis. He wears a ski
mask, tinted goggles and a woolen hat. A pink, purple,
yellow and green ski-jacket and gloves. A pair of moa-
trousers (they're heavily padded and quilted type
normally worn in arctic conditions). But instead of
ski-boots we wears a pair of old trainers.
Del
(Cont'd)
Now, the jacket is padded in
pure fibre-glass and quilted
in natural nylon. Now this
jacket alone would set you
back about a hundred and
twenty quid at Lillywhites -
but this can be yours for a
mere thirty five pounds and
it comes in all sizes. Now
all this equipment here is
manufactured by the one
country that leads the world
in Alpine clothing - namely,
Fiji.
Del's mobile phone starts to ring.
Del
(Cont'd)
Just a moment please, this is
probably the Austrian Olympic
squad wanting to increase
their order.
(On phone)'
Hello, Trotters Independent
Traders, PLC, Arctic-
clothing department.
We see Trigger moving past Rodney, sweeping the gutter
and pushing his barrow.
Trigger makes no reaction to Rodney's appearance.
Trigger
Alright, Dave?
Trigger continues to go on his way.
Del
Rodney, it's Cassandra!
Del hands the phone to Rodney.
Rodney
(On phone)
Cass? I told you never to
phone me at work! what?
What now? Cass, I can't...
I'm in the middle... Yes,
alright!
(Switches phone
off)
Del, I gotta shoot off.
Cassie needs me at home.
Del
What for?
Rodney
Well, it's probably the
right time.
Del
Oh, come on, Rodney, she'll
keep 'till this evening.
Rodney
No, its... Well, you know!
She's most probably at the
right temperature.
Del
Stone me, Rodney. What are
you two trying for, a baby
or a barbecue? Go on, go
on, hurry up!
Rodney dashes off still in the ski gear.
Del has indicated Rodney's jeans, etc, which are in a
pile on one of the boxes.
Del
(Calls)
'Ere, don't you want to
change your clo...
We now see that the crowd has dispersed.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, look at that!
INT. DAY. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S HALL/FRONT DOOR/LIVING
ROOM.
We hear a key in the lock. The door opens and Rodney
bursts in, exhausted from running and still wearing
the skiing clothing.
Rodney
(Calls)
Cass, I'm home.
Cassandra
(OOV)
I'm in here, Roddy.
Rodney
Right, won't be a minute.
Rodney strips off down to T-shirt and stripped under-
pants and then exits to living room.
Cut to living room.
Rodney bursts in. We see Cassandra seated in armchair.
Also in the room are Raquel and Damien and with their
suitcases.
Rodney
(Embarrassed)
Sorry about that, Raquel, I
was... I was hot. What you
doing here?
Cassandra
She's left Del.
Rodney
Left him? Why?
Raquel
D'you know what time in he
got in this morning?
Rodney
(Guilty)
No.
Raquel
Quarter past eight!
Rodney
Geddaway!
Raquel
He just changed into his
working clothes and went
straight down the market. He
didn't even stop for a cup
of tea. Well, that was the
last straw. He's not
treating me like that
anymore!
Rodney
Look, you've gotta try an'
look t it from his point of
view, Raquel. There are
extenuating circumstances.
Raquel
Like what?
Rodney
Well... He's having a lot of
trouble with his teeth.
Cassandra
That's no excuse!
Rodney
No, I know. But he is in
pain!
Raquel
So am I, Rodney, so am I!
Rodney
Well, where're you gonna go?
Cassandra
I said they could stay here.
Rodney
Here? But this is a one-
bedroomed flat!
Cassandra
This is a sofa bed.
Raquel
I won't be here for long. A
couple of nights, that's
all. Is that OK with you?
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, of course.
Cassandra
Good. I'll make us a cup of
something.
Raquel
I'll help.
Cassandra and Raquel exit to kitchen.
Rodney remains pondering and worrying about this
turn of events. Now he becomes aware of something. He
looks up and we see Damien staring at him. We see
Rodney's reaction. Damien now smiles at Rodney. We
see Rodney's face and, this time, we hear the zing,
zing of violin strings a la Psycho.
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD. STUDIO.
This is lunchtime, same day.
Del, Trigger, Denzil and Boycie are seated at a table.
Mike brings a tray of drinks across.
Mike
Here we go, gentlemen.
Drinks. Is that right, Del,
Just a lemonade for you?
Del
Yeah, that's right, yeah.
I'm going down to visit
Trig's dentist this
afternoon, I don't want to
smell of booze.
Mike
So, how's things on the
home front? You and Raquel
still at pistols drawn, are
you?
Del
Yeah, still involved in the
cold war. But I'm gonna live
my life the way I wanna live
it. Give her time, she'll
learn.
Denzil
That's exactly the attitude
I took with my Corrine. Even
when she left me I refused
to change- seven years ago
but I haven't changed.
Del
Yeah, but there is a differ-
ence though, ain't there
Denzil? Raquel would never
leave me because it's the
real deep love thing.
Mike
Women are a mystery, though,
ain't they?
Del
What? Here's a mystery for
you. Here's a... Answer me
this. Why is it that women
always wanna know what time
you got in? Right, they say
to you, 'what time d'you
get in last night?' And you
say; 'Oh I don't know,
about quarter past twelve.'
And they say; 'No you
didn’t, it was twenty to
two!' And I think to myself,
Well why bloody ask?
Mike
Yeah, he's right, he's
right. Why ask! It's like
saying to you, 'What's that
on the telly? Coronation
Street or Eastenders? And
you say, 'It's Eastenders,'
and they say, 'No it ain't,
it's Coronation Street!' I
mean, why ask?!
Del
Yeah, why ask?
Boycie
Beats me!
Mike
You know, I came home one
night and my missus said to
me, 'Where are you living
now?' And I said, 'Here!'
And she said, 'No you
ain't!' And threw me suit-
case at me! I mean, why ask?
A pause, then:
All
Why ask?
Trigger
Why ask?
Trigger
Well, I mean that's women for
you, innit? I mean, they're a
different breed. Take my
Marlene, she's always moaning
on and on about how I don't
respect her. I mean, me!
Don't respect my own wife?
Daft old mare! But I mean, I
love her, don't get me wrong.
But sometimes I think getting
married was the worst mistake
I ever made in my life. I
sometimes think back to when
we first met in Lewisham
Grove. I wish I'd never ever
walked into that betting shop
now.
Del looks at Denzil. Denzil and Del look at Boycie.
Trigger
Oh, so that's who you...
Del/Denzil
Trigger!!
Del
I've just remembered some-
thing very important I meant
to tell ya.
Trigger
What's that?
Denzil
... It's gone now.
Trigger
Oh, hat's alright Denzil,
that happens to me all the
time.
There is a slight pause.
Trigger
(Cont'd)
See, I was just gonna say
something important to Del,
but it's gone now. So how'd
it turn out then, Mike?
Mike
Eh?
Trigger
Coronation Street or East-
enders?
Trigger
As long as it weren't
Elderado, we can all sleep
easy, eh?
Albert enters.
Del
Alright, Unc? Any messages?
Albert
That bloke phoned about the
video cameras. And er,
someone come round moaning
about, er, a pair of ski
pants. Oh, and Raquel's
left you.
EXT. DAY. LONDON BACKSTREET/DENTAL SURGERY.
We see the van (Del driving) pull up outside the
surgery. They get out and walk towards the surgery.
Del
I don't believe it Rodney, I
just don't believe it! I
have never, never had a
woman walk out on me like
that.
Rodney
Yes you have.
Del
Who?
Rodney
All of 'em.
Del
Yeah, but they didn't have
my child with them, did
they?
Rodney
Look, Del, I feel a bit
embarrassed, about Raquel
staying at the flat, and
that. But what could I do?
couldn't refuse, could I?
Del
No, of course not, bruv.
No, you couldn't see them
turned out on the street,
could you? No, you look
after 'em, I'll see you
alright for some money.
Rodney
Oh, don't be silly.
Del
No, no, no! Come on,
straight up. I appreciate
what you are doing.
Rodney
Look Del, I reckon all it
would take is one phone call
and you two'd be back
together in no time. It'll
just take one word -
'sorry'.
Del
No, I think you're right,
Rodney. Alright, get her to
phone and apologize and I'll
forget it.
Rodney
I was talking about you!
Del
Me? What have I done?!
Rodney
Raquel hardly ever sees
you! You treat that flat
like a lodging house. She
told me you walked in the
bedroom one night and
Damien screamed - thought
you was an intruder!
Del
That is rubbish, that is!
Look, I've been under a lot
of stress lately, what with
business deals and all
that.
Rodney
Well, I explained to her. I
said, Del's been under a
lot of pressure, what with
business and his teeth
going manky.
Del
Exactly! What with... My
teeth are not going manky!
They just need looking at,
that's all!
Rodney
Well, get in there and have
'em looked at then!
Del
I don't like dentists!
Rodney
It's like the Milky Bar
Kid!
Del
I'll tell you what we'll
do, right? Look, we'll go
down to Ronnie Nelson's
and pick up the cameras,
then we'll come back here
and I'll go to the dentist.
Rodney
No! You go to the dentists
now, and then we'll pick
the cameras up! Oh go on,
get in there!
Del
Are you coming with me?
Rodney
No. I'm gonna have a kip
in the van.
Del
Hey! Oi! Rodney, I'm gonna
get yo...
He winces and pulls his hand to his cheek.
INT. DAY. DENTAL SURGERY.
Del is in the chair as the dentist (Mr Ellis) probes
about in his mouth. The receptionist (Beverly) enters.
Beverly is in her mid thirties, attractive and has a
pleasant nature. She speaks with a working middle-
class accent.
Beverly
I'm sorry to interrupt. Mrs
Patel just rang to cancel
her four o'clock appoint-
ment.
Dentist
Thank you Beverly.
Beverly exits.
The dentist hits one of Del's back teeth and Del cries
out in pain.
Del
Aaaagh!
Dentist
That's the one!
Del
Well! I know that!
Dentist
Help yourself to the, erm...
The dentist points to the mouthwash.
Del
Mmmm? Oh, cheers.
(Drinking it)
Thank you.
Dentist
(Making a few
notes)
D'you have regular dentists
checks, Mr. Trotter?
Del
Oh yes, doctor. You can't be
too careful where the old
choppers are concerned, can
you?
Dentist
And who was the last dentist
you saw?
Del
The last one... that would
be Mr Owens, had a surgery
down Ghandi Avenue.
Dentist
Mr Owens? He died on the
night of the Queen's Silver
Jubilee, 1977.
Del
I know, it was tragic,
weren't it?
Dentist
So you have a regular check
-up every sixteen years.
Del
I think it's better in the
long run, don't you?
Dentist
Yeah, yeah, I'm afraid this
tooth of yours is beyond
repair Mr Trotter. It'll
have to come out.
Del
Oh, it's gotta come out?
Well, I'll make an
appointment to see you
next week.
Dentist
No, no, I'll do it now.
Del
Now?
Dentist
Don't worry. You won't feel
a thing.
The dentist produces a syringe and hypodermic needle.
Dentist
(Cont'd)
This'll just make one side
of your face a bit numb.
Del studies the needle with growing alarm.
Del
Ah you see, but the thing
is, you know, er, I'm in a
bit of a hurry, see.
The dentist approaches Del with a needle.
Dentist
It'll only take five
minutes.
Del
My brother's out there in
the van.
Dentist
(Referring to the
syringe)
Just a little prick.
Del
Oh, do you know him then, do
you?
INT. DAY. THE VAN.
Same time. Rodney is sitting in the passenger seat. His
eyelids are slowly closing as the excesses of the last
week take their toll.
He folds his coat into a make-shift pillow, lays it
between the two seats and lays his head down on it.
INT. DAY. DENTAL SURGERY.
The dentist slowly removes the syringe and needle from
Del's mouth.
Del
Aaaaagh!
Dentist
There we are. Now, if you'd
like to sit in the waiting
room for a while, just
leave the anaesthetic time
to work. I'll call you in
five minutes.
Del
Thank you, doctor.
Del exits to waiting room. Four patients are seated
here. Beverly is behind the reception counter. Del
enters from surgery. A buzzer sounds.
Beverly
(Calling next
patient)
Mrs Marshall? You can go
through now.
A patient enters the surgery.
Del
(To Beverly)
I've just gotta wait for
this jollop to work.
Beverly
It doesn't take too long.
Perhaps we could complete
this form while you're
waiting? It's just for new
patients. I've got most of
your details... Now then,
let me see. Next of kin?
Del
Next of kin? Blimey, I'm
only having me tooth out!!
Beverly
It's just Local Health
Authority procedure.
Del
I haven't got no next of
kin.
Beverly
What, no-one?
Del
Well, there's me brother.
Beverly
Have you got any dependants?
Del
Yeah, my brother.
INT. DAY. THE VAN.
Rodney is sleeping on his make-shift pillow. Now behind
him, in back of van, we see a movement. A small rodent
is scuffling around. It approaches Rodney's head and we
see it is a gerbil. Rodney opens his eyes as he hears,
or becomes aware, of movement. He turns and looks at
the creature. He looks back to camera. His eyes widen
in fear.
INT. DAY. THE WAITING ROOM. FILM.
Del
Yeah, I've got a son.
Beverly
Ah, that's better.
Del
It's Damien. Damien Derek
Trotter.
Beverly
Oh, my daughter's got a
little boy called that!
Del
What, Damien Derek Trotter?
Beverly
(Laughs)
No! Just Damien!
Del
You're having me on. You've
got a grandson?
Beverly
Yeah!
Del
Never! Must have had your
daughter very, very young.
I'd have put you down as,
well, you know, late
twenties.
Beverly
Oh, get off!
Del
No honest, straight up!
(Gesturing into
surgery)
Is he your husband, is he?
Beverly
Mr. Ellis?
Del
Yeah.
Beverly
No, I just work here.
Del
I see. You know, I thought
it might be, you know, like
a family business, some-
thing like that.
Beverly
No. I'm divorced. Yeah, we
broke up about, well, nine
years ago.
Del
Oh, really? My wife... er
partner, well, she, you
know, she left me.
Beverly
Oh I'm sorry. You know,
people say time's a great
healer, but I'm not so
sure. Even now I sometimes
think about those days
and... well, it still
hurts, you know?
Del
Yes, I know the feeling. I
still get these little
pangs.
Beverly
When did your relationship
break up?
Del
This morning.
Beverly
This morning?
Del
Yeah, perhaps you and me
ought to go out with each
other and, you know, cry on
each other's shoulders.
The entrance door bursts open and Rodney enters.
Rodney
Del! There is a vat in the
van!
Del
You what?
Rodney
In the van! There's a rat!
Del
A rat?
Rodney
In the van!
Del
What are you on about?
Rodney
I'm trying to inform you
that there is a rat in the
van!!
Del
It's not a rat! It's a
gerbil.
Rodney
Alright, so it's a gerbil.
Del
I know, I got it for
Christmas.
Rodney
For Chris... For Damien?
Del
Yeah, it's one of his
presents, Gerry the Gerbil.
I had it in a cage in the
back of the van. The door
must have come open or
something, I dunno. Go and
put it back in the cage.
Rodney is obviously not relishing the thought of touch-
ing Gerry.
Rodney
Eh?
Del
Go and put the gerbil back
in the cage!
Rodney exits.
Del
Dependants!
(Laughs)
No, my boy wanted a pet for
Christmas, so I got him
Gerry the Gerbil. So, what
about it, Beverly?
Beverly
Sorry?
Del
You know, you and me...
having a date.
Beverly
Oh, it's very nice of you
but... you see, the thing
is, your relationship's
only just broken up. In a
couple of days' time you
could both be back
together again.
Del
No, no, I won't. It's
finished! Kaput. There's
no going back. I'm a free
agent - I can go where I
want, and with whom I
want.
Beverly
Okay then.
Beverly begins writing on some notepaper.
Del
Lovely jubbly! You know it
makes sense. Well, what
about I see you this
evening then, about eight
o'clock? Take you out for a
slap-up meal, you know,
steak, onion rings.
Beverly
Fine. That's where I live.
(Handing Del the
note)
And that's the telephone
number in case anything
goes wrong.
Del
(Slurring)
She y'sheeving.
Beverly
What?
Del
(Gesturing to
his jaw)
Oh, sorry, der anshe'ic's
beginnin' to work.
Beverly
He'll be with you in a
minute.
Del
Oh alright. I'll jusht, er,
shit 'ere.
INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Somewhere in room we see Gerry the gerbil in his cage.
There are four or five large cardboard boxes which are
covered in Russian writing. A couple of the video
cameras are on display. They are very large and very
heavy. They are painted in khaki and olive green
camouflage colours and have Russian writing on them.
Rodney goes to pick one up and realises it is heavier
than he imagined. He puts more effort into it and
manages to lift the camera.
Albert enters from his bedroom.
Albert
Are they the Russian cameras
Del was telling me about?
Rodney
No, this is a pair of
Chelsea boots with an elast-
icated gusset! Of course
it's the bloody Russian
camera!
Del, dressed to kill, enters from the bedrooms area and
proceeds to splash himself with Brut whilst giving the
mirror a severe hammering.
Del
Alright then?
Albert
How's your mouth Del?
Del
Oh, can't feel a thing.
Brilliant dentist.
Rodney
These camcorders are bigger
than I imagined.
Del
Yeah, they are a bit on
the wide side, aren't they,
eh?
Rodney
You said they was hand-
held?
Del
Well you're holding 'em
in your hands, aren't you?
Rodney
Only just! How are you
supposed to carry one of
these round Eurodisney on
your shoulder? You'll do
your back in!
Del
Well, that's good for you
Rodney, good for your
strength, you see, build
your strength up won't it,
eh? Save you a fortune on
all them weights and
rowing machines and all
that sort of stuff. I
wonder what that writing
says on the side there.
Rodney
Reject, most probably.
Del
These are not rejects Rodney.
These are top of the range,
these are. Look at them.
Look, look how solid they
are, no bits of plastic to
break off. The cassette, look
at that, is inside the
camera, don't muck about with
them soppy little things. No,
this was designed for tank
warfare, this you know.
(Looking through
eyepiece)
Yes, look at that. I can just
see 'em now... alright Number
one, fire a shot across his
bow.
Rodney places the camera on the table and removes the
cassette. We see that it is three inches longer than
British cassettes. Rodney takes it to the VCR and
tries to force it into the slot.
Rodney
Del...
Del
Yeah?
Rodney
They don't fit the machine!
Del
Yeah, I know that. I know
they are a different size.
But it's no problem, 'Cos
Ronnie Nelson, he's got a
consignment of Russian VCRs
coming over next Tuesday
from Volgograd.
Rodney
Oh right. So, if we
actually do find a mercen-
ary who wants to tape his
next tank battle to show
the wife and kids, he's
gotta buy a Russian VCR of
us an' all? I can't see
'em queuing for this one,
Del!
Del
Ninety five quid the set,
can't be bad, can it, eh?
Think about it, Rodney,
you'll make your money on
this and more! All you
gotta do is fall on your
arse and old Jeremy Beadle
will give you a grand!
Albert
You going out, Del?
Del
Yes! Yes, I'm going out. I
got a date.
Rodney
A date?
Del
Uhuh.
Rodney
What d'you mean you've got
a date?
Del
I've got a date. I met this
woman down at the dentists.
I'm taking her out for
dinner.
Rodney
I don't believe I'm hearing
this!
Albert
Well, you've surprised me,
Del. Raquel and your baby
are only just around the
corner and you're going out
with some young bird!
Del
She is not a young bird.
She happens to be a grand-
mother!
Rodney
A grandmother? Well,
perhaps she can bring her
sister along for him!
Rodney indicates Albert.
Del
She is a very young
grandmother. Sister along!
And don't look at me like
that, Rodney! Raquel was the
one that walked out on me!
You don't know what it's
like. I'm not an island,
Rodney - a man gets
lonely...
Albert
But Raquel only left this
morning!
Rodney
Del, she's left you for
longer periods when she's
been out shopping.
Del
Yeah, I know. But it's
horrible in here now.
Rodney
You've got Albert.
Del
That's what I mean!
Rodney
Could you honestly cheat on
Raquel? Two-time the mother
of your baby?
Del
Oh, bonnet de douche! I'm
only taking her out to a
Berni Inn!
Rodney
Yeah, but that can lead to
other things, can't it?
Del
Yeah, like next week I'll
take her to a Spudulike.
Rodney
You know what I mean! Did
you know that Raquel was
crying this afternoon?
Del
Crying?
Rodney
Yeah. Sat on our sofa
crying her eyes out -
because of you!
Del
Poor cow!
Rodney
That's what I thought!
Well, I'll see you later.
Do enjoy your steak,
Derek.
Del
Rodney, Rodney, alright.
Alright, alright, you've
made your point. I was only
tryin' to see, you know,
if I could still pull.
(Picking up the
phone)
I'll call her and break off
the date.
Rodney
Good. And while you've got
the phone in your hand,
give Raquel a call and ask
her to come home.
Del
No way, Pedro! If she wants
to come back to this flat,
she's gotta call me.
Rodney
Oh, you kill me, Derek. I'll
see you tomorrow.
Rodney exits to hall. Del punches numbers on the phone.
Albert
You're doing the right thing,
Del... It was a bad move.
Del
Yeah...
(We hear a
ringing tone)
Perhaps you're right. Pity,
really, she fancied one of
these cameras an' all.
We hear phone being answered by Beverly's ansaphone.
Beverly
(Ansaphone)
Hi, this is Beverly. I
can't come to the phone
right now, but if you'd
like to leave a message
after the tone, I'll get
back to you.
Del
(On phone)
Ah yeah, hello Beverly.
(We hear a beep
tone)
This is Del Boy. Erm, the
thing is, I can't make our
date tonight. Erm, you
know, I'm sorry... I'll
give you a call another
time. Alright? Yeah.
Bonjour.
Albert
I'll pour us a drink, Del.
Del
Yeah, I wish I had a dog or
a cat.
Albert
You've got that gerbil?
Del
Yeah, but I feel like kick-
ing something up the arse.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
A few hours later.
Rodney and Cassandra are lying in bed. The bedroom door
is closed.
Cassandra
He was doing what?
Rodney
Ssshhh! Raquel's in there!
Cassandra
(Quieter)
He was going out with
another woman?
Rodney
He was threatening to. He
was all dressed up, he
looked like Heart-throb
out of Crossroads.
Cassandra
D'you think he's going
through a mid-life crisis?
You know, dressing up,
trying to attract young
girls.
Rodney
No. If that was the case
then Del's male menopause
started when he was
fourteen! Anyway, she's not
a young girl, she's a
grandmother.
Cassandra
A grandmother?!
Rodney
Sshh. He met her at the
dentists. I don't think
much would have happened on
their date anyway. They'd
have most probably sat in
a Berni Inn counting her
teeth!
Cassandra
Why doesn't he just phone
Raquel? They're obviously
both missing each other.
Rodney
Well, it's his pride, isn't
it? He's the man who must
be seen to be the man. He's
never had a very modern
attitude towards women and
relationships. When he was
younger Del's idea of safe
sex was not telling the
girl where he lived.
S'funny, but, in them days,
Del used to be my hero
Cassandra
Del? You're joking!
Rodney
No - I could tell you things
about Del Boy that would
amaze you.
Cassandra
Go on then, amaze me!
Rodney
Well...
Rodney is thinking hard of something to surprise her.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
There... Yeah... There's
the time he took his 'O'
Levels. I was only a
little sprog, but I still
remember the night he
brought his results home.
He'd got eight 'A's.
Cassandra
Eight 'A's? Del?
Rodney
Yeah. 'A' for English, 'A'
for Maths. The list just
went on.
Cassandra
Wait a minute, they were
someone else's results
weren't they?
Rodney
No, no. They were Del's
results. I remember Mum and
Dad was all excited. We had
a big family celebration,
aunties, uncles, the lot.
Del was tossing up where to
go, you know, Oxford or
Cambridge. He phoned up
both Universities, made a
few inquiries - what the
pubs are like, that sort of
thing.
Cassandra
I can't imagine Del getting
eight 'A's!
Rodney
No! He surprised everyone!
Then a couple of days later
we got a letter from the
school. Turned out the 'A's
all stood for 'Absent'.
Cassandra
(Laughing)
He hadn't turned up for any
of the exams?
Rodney
No! Not one! He'd been down
the market flogging some
hooky Tom Jones LPs. Mind
you, you wouldn't have
laughed if you'd been there
at the time. My dad went
potty! He was shouting at
Del, calling him names. Del
was ducking round the room
tryin' to escape. Then it
all turned violent - he'd
been out drinking you see.
He took his belt off, he
started whacking him -
punching and everything!
That's what he was like. Me
mum was screaming, 'Don't
hit him, don't hit him!'
And I was crying.
Cassandra
God, poor Rodney! Was he
hurt?
Rodney
Not too bad, he was in
hospital for a couple of
days. Me mum took me up to
visit him.
Cassandra
And what happened to your
father?
Rodney
I'm talking about me
father!
Cassandra
Oh, I thought you meant
Del!
Rodney
Oh no! He was alright. He
was a dirty little fighter.
He used to go in low and
grabbing! I've seen him in
so many fights over the
years. I've heard sounds
that only a White Hunter
could make sense of. I
suppose that's why he was
my hero. 'Cos from that day
onwards, my dad never
whacked me again. He was
too frightened of what Del
would do to him if he found
out. So that's how my life
went on. As long as Del was
around no-one could do me
any harm. Of course he made
up for that in later life,
but...
Rodney turns to Cassandra.
We see Cassandra is removing a thermometer from her
mouth. She studies the temperature and nods to Rodney.
Rodney
(Almost fearfully)
Is it time again?
Cassandra
Mmmh. How you feeling?
Rodney
Well... You know, I'll
give it a go.
She smiles and starts kissing Rodney's neck.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Oh that's nice. Don't bite
me, you know how easily I
bruise.
They lay back on pillows kissing.
Cassandra closes her eyes in pleasure. She now opens
her eyes and reacts. We cut to see Damien in little
pyjamas standing at the bottom of the bed and looking
at her.
The bedroom door is still closed.
Cassandra
(Nudging him)
Rodney!
Rodney
Mmmh?
Rodney sees Damien and reacts, pushing himself further
back against the pillow and uttering a small cry of
alarm.
Rodney
Aaaarggh!
Cassandra
It's alright. He's just
wandered in.
Rodney
Wandered in? Cassandra, I
locked the bedroom door!
Cassandra looks at Damien. We now hear a burst of the
theme from The Omen over Cassandra's face. There is a
knock on the bedroom door. The door opens as Raquel
speaks.
Raquel
(OOV)
Alright if I come in?
Rodney
(Great relief)
I didn't lock the door!
Cassandra
Rodney!
Cassandra pushes him.
Raquel
(To Damien)
There you are! Mummy's been
looking everywhere for you.
Sorry about this.
Cassandra
S'alright.
Raquel
I don't know. He sleeps all
day and only comes alive at
night.
Rodney and Cassandra look at each other.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
Say, 'Na-nite' to Uncle
Rodney and Auntie Cassandra.
Damien
Night!
Cassandra
Night, Damien.
Rodney
Night.
Raquel and Damien exit. Rodney and Cassandra look at
each other.
Cassandra
What d'you think then?
Rodney
Leave it to tomorrow, shall
we?
Cassandra
Yeah.
They switch the lights off.
INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD AND RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S
BEDROOM.
It's a packed pub. The usual crowd are there. Rodney,
Albert and Trigger are sitting at a table. Rodney has
a collection tin with the logo of a whale on it. As
Rodney talks so Mike passes.
Rodney
Look, it's for an endangered
species! Do you realise
what's happening to...
(Turning to
Mike)
Listen, er, Del's been hit-
ting the sauce a bit heavy
lately. Just keep an eye on
him, would you?
Mike
Yeah, I understand. Leave
it to me, Rodney.
Rodney
Cheers.
(To Albert and
Trigger)
Look, all I'm asking for is
fifty pence.
Albert
What happens when you save
all these whales? They'll
start breeding won't they?
Rodney
Well, I wouldn't be
surprised.
Trigger
I don't know how anyone
could fancy a whale.
Albert
No, I don't! Big ugly
things, ain't they?
Rodney
No, look... you don't have
to breed with them, they
can sort that sort of
thing out themselves.
Albert
I know a lot more about
the sea than you do Rodney.
Rodney
Oh God, here we go!
Albert
You'd be surprised how
quickly these whales breed.
Rodney
Three...
Albert
And there not all as gentle
as some people imagine.
Rodney
Two...
Albert
You get a quite a lot of 'em
together and they can be
quite dangerous.
Rodney
One.
Albert
During the War...
Rodney
We have lift off.
Albert
I was in a submarine up in
the Barents sea and we got
attacked by a whale.
Rodney
It was most probably trying
to protect its young,
Albert.
Albert
No it wasn't. It fancied
us!
Rodney
A whale got the hots for
your submarine?
Albert
Yeah, it was horrible. We
were shaking all over the
place.
Trigger
It's like your worst
nightmare, ain't it Dave?
Rodney
No. My worst nightmare is
sitting in the pub having
a conversation with you
two!
Trigger
Mmmh.
Albert
It went on for about half
hour. The skipper told us
to hang on for dear life
and don't do anything to
annoy it. He put the
periscope up at one point.
Trigger
Up where?
Albert
He looked through the view-
finder and went as white as
a sheet. God knows what he
saw, but that man never ate
halibut again!
Rodney
So what d'you do when it was
over? All lie back and had a
cigarette?
Albert
Don't take the mickey out of
me, Rodney. Have you ever
tried to lay a underwater
telephone line during the
mating season?
Rodney
No, No, I haven't.
Albert
Well, my advice to you, son,
is don't ever attempt it.
Albert stands and moves to the bar.
Trigger
You want to listen to him,
Dave, he knows what he's
talking about.
Del enters.
Del
Alright, Rodders?
Rodney
I never thought I'd hear
myself saying this, but
here comes a man with some
intelligence. 'Ere listen,
are you gonna give a
couple of bob for charity?
Del
Yeah, you know me, I'd do
anything for a good cause,
what's this?
Trigger
He's tryin' to save whales.
Del
Oh, no, no, no, no, they
don't get nothing - not
after the way they beat
us at Rugby last year.
Rodney
Yeah, fair enough.
Del
So, how's Cassandra? She
pregnant yet?
Rodney
No. Ain't likely to be
either with that little
git standing at the bottom
of the bed!
Del
What little git's that?
Rodney
Erm. Oh, it's erm, yeah,
it Cassandra. She's got
this big teddy bear, she's
had it since she was a
kid, you know, and it sort
of sits there at the end
of the bed - and puts me
off.
Del
Silly mare! How would she
like it if you had your
Meccano set at the bottom
of the bed, eh?
Rodney
Yeah, alright, well, don't
go on about it! it's
personal. It's summat that
you...
A pause. Both stand to move away from Trigger.
Del
See you later, Trig.
(On the move)
Alright? How's Damien and
Raquel?
Rodney
Alright. She's taking
Damien up London to show
him the sights. Apparently
his Daddy's always been a
bit too busy to do it
himself.
Del
Yes, he is too busy. He's
too busy out there earning
the poppy to pay for the
grub and the underfloor
heating! Still crying, is
she?
Rodney
Yes! All through yesterday
afternoon, and then all
through tea time.
Del
Is it getting on your
nerves?
Rodney
I'll tell you what's
getting on my nerves, shall
I? You are missing Raquel
and Damien and Raquel and
Damien are missing you, but
nobody it seems - nobody
has the intelligence to
sort out the situation.
Del
All she's got to do is
phone me.
Rodney
But she doesn't know how you
feel. She thinks you want a
life of shanting it up with
your mates and going to
casinos. She doesn't realise
that it was just a phase
while you were putting a
deal together because you
never told her.
Del
Well I had to play it close
to me chest didn't I? I
didn't want word slipping
out.
Rodney
But she don't know that!
Del
Yeah. What with that and
my tooth...
Rodney
Now you've had that out!
Del, phone her and tell her.
Del
What? That I've had me
tooth out?
Rodney
No! Phone her and tell her
that you... Oh, tell her
what you bloody like, just
phone her.
Del
Alright, alright Rodney.
I'll give her a bell.
Del moves across to the public phone. He places money
in the machine and dials number.
Mike approaches and places a large scotch on the tele-
phone box.
Mike
There you are, Del, a large
Scotch, on the house.
Del
Oh cheers.
Rodney
Mike, what are you doing?
Don't go giving him large
scotches on the house!
Mike
Oh Rodney, I'm sorry, I
forgot.
(Calls)
Del, that's one eighty-five,
son.
Del
I didn't even ask for it!
We hear money drop into box as the call is answered.
Del
(Cont'd)
(On phone)
Hello, hello, sweetheart,
listen - don't say a word,
just don't say anything.
Just, just listen to me while
I'm in the mood. Right now
I'm missing you darling and I
want you to come home. Now,
I know that I haven't been
very fair to you, look, in
the past but I can explain if
you'll just give me the
chance. I still love you and
that will never change.
Things'll be different in the
future. So what d'you say,
eh? Oh, sorry Cassandra -
yeah, I wanna speak to
Raquel. She's in the where?
Oh alright, I'll hang on.
Boycie enters.
Boycie
Del Boy?
Del
Oh hello, Boycie.
They both see Beverly, stand from a table in the back-
ground. She sees Del and smiles to him. Del returns a
nervous grin. Beverly exits the pub.
Boycie
Who was that woman?
Del
Mmmm? What woman? I didn't
see no woman.
Boycie
That one that just smiled
at you.
Del
I didn't see anybody smile
at me. No one's smiled at
me all evening.
Boycie
Where do I know her face
from? Oh yeah, I remember.
Bronco, Marlene's brother.
He was in hospital last
year and we went up to see
him. That's where I saw
her.
Del
Oh that's cleared that
mystery up then.
Boycie moves away.
Boycie
Hmm.
Del
Wait a minute. Bronco?
Wasn't he in a psychiatric
hospital?
Boycie
Yeah.
Del reacts.
Cut to Rodney and Cassandra's bedroom:
Cassandra hands the phone to Raquel. We now intercut
between Del and Raquel.
Raquel
Thanks.
(On phone)
Hello? Hello? Hello?
Del
(On phone)
Hello? Hello, Raquel.
(Sitting down)
How are you?
Raquel
(On phone)
Fine. You?
Del
(On phone)
Yeah, lovely... I'm missing
you, darling.
Raquel
(On phone)
I'm missing you as well,
you rotten sod!
Del
(On phone)
Come on then, why don't you
come home, eh?
Raquel
(On phone)
It's not as simple as that!
Del
(On phone)
Sweetheart. Don't take too
much notice of me in the
last month. It's just been
a one-off, that's all.
Raquel
(On phone)
What about the month before
that?
Del
(On phone)
Yeah, well that was a one-
off an' all.
Raquel
(On phone)
Well, I didn't like your
attitude. You were willing
to gamble with our house-
keeping money, with our
future in some grotty
little South London casino.
Del
(On phone)
Look sweetheart, that's all
in the past, I tell you. No
more casinos, no more pub.
Trigger
(Calls)
Same again, Del?
Del
(On phone)
Yeah, alright Trig,
thanks. Yeah...
(Now for Raquel's
sake)
Just a, you know, a lemon-
ade and a lime.
We see Raquel smiling at this.
Raquel
(On phone)
Listen to me, stupid. I
don't mind you going down
the Nag's Head so long as
it's not every night! And
when you do go down
there, I wouldn't mind
going as well!
Del
(On phone)
Yeah, well, that's my
thoughts entirely, sweet-
heart! Exactly. We'll just
go down, go down at
weekends, you know, just
to be sociable. Listen, I
tell you what sweetheart,
if you're gonna go out
shopping, you get me a
pair of those chequered
slippers and a hundred-
weight of 'obnobs. I'm a
changed man. I am, I'll
even take little Damien
out, you know, no excuses!
So what do you reckon,
sweetheart, can I come
and pick you up?
Raquel
(On phone)
Not right now. Damien's
fast asleep.
Del
(On phone)
Alright, what about first
thing in the morning?
Raquel
(On phone)
I promised to take him up
London - Madame Tussaud's.
Unless you'd like to come
with us?
Del
(On phone)
Oh no, no I can't tomorrow,
darling, I'm going to pick
up all them Russian VCRs.
Erm, look. I'll pick you up
tomorrow night, yeah?
Raquel
(On phone)
Alright then.
Del
(On phone)
Alright. Raquel say the
magic words.
Raquel
(On phone)
Don't be silly!
Del
(On phone)
Go on, go on Raquel, say
the magic words.
Raquel
(On phone)
Tch! I love you, Trotter.
Del
(On phone)
(The winning
goal)
Yes! Alright, darling, I'll
pick you up tomorrow,
alright? Ta ta.
He replaces the receiver.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To himself)
That is it, Del Boy, you're
a changed man - this is the
first day of the rest of
your life.
(Calls)
Michael! A bottle of your
finest champagne, please.
Thank you.
EXT. NIGHT. THE COUNCIL ESTATE.
We are in high position (As if looking down from the
rooftop of one of the tower blocks). Below us is the
pedestrian concourse between other tower blocks. It's
2 am and all is in darkness save for a couple of
street lamps. The world is silent, not even a dog
barks in this quiet slumberworld.
We now see Del moving unsteadily through the
concourse. He knocks a dustbin over and its rattle
echoes through the night air. In the distance a dog
barks. We cut to: ground level where we find Del
shooshing the rattling dustbin lid. Del is drunk but
not paralytic. It is a mix of champagne and
euphoria. He feels happy and at one with the world.
Del
(To the rattling
dustbin lid)
Ssshhhh! Ssshhhh! Ssshhhh!
Ssshhhh!
Del smiles to the world. He is happy and loved.
Del starts singing and the singing slowly gets louder.
Del
(Singing)
'One voice, singing in the
darkness.'
We hear the dog start barking.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Singing)
'All it takes is one voice,
singing so they hear what's
on your mind.'
We see a light come on in one of the flats.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Singing)
'And when you look around
you'll find there's more than
one voice.'
We see another two lights switch on in different flats.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Singing)
'Singing in the darkness.
Joining with your one
voice.'
Now another dog joins in the barking.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Singing)
'Each and every note another
octave.'
Arthur
What's going on down there?
Del
'Hands are joined and fears
unlocked, if only one
voice...'
A man (Arthur) appears on one of the balconies. He is
in pyjamas and dressing gown.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Singing)
'Would start on its own. We
`need just one voice...'
We now see seven or eight flats are lit. A woman (Vi),
also in night attire, appears on balcony in opposite
block. A baby starts crying.
Vi
What's all the racket?
Del
'Facing the unknown - and
then that one voice would
never be alone.'
Arthur
It's Trotter! He's drunk
again!
Vi
Why don't you go off home
to bed, Derek?
INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. ALBERT'S BEDROOM.
Albert is woken up by Del's singing. He turns on the
bedside lamp and moves towards the window. Cut to:
EXT. NIGHT. THE COUNCIL ESTATE.
Now half the lights in the immediate vicinity are on.
More people are out on balconies shouting at Del and
each other. A man (Mick) is his mid-forties appears
on balcony wearing just a vest and underpants. He has
obviously been drinking.
Mick begins singing along with Del.
Mick
'Pack up all your cares
and woes, Here I go,
singing low, Bye-bye
blackbird.'
Del
'It takes that one voice,
Singing in the darkness,
All it takes is one voice,
Shout it out and let it
ring, Just one voice, It
takes that one voice, And
every never be alone, It
takes one voice, just one
voice...'
Arthur
(Calling across
to Mick)
Why don't you shut up,
Mick! You're making him
worse!!
Mick
You want me to shut up?
Why don't you make me shut
up?
Arthur
Right, I'll shut that big
mouth of yours! Downstairs!
Mick
It's a fight you want?
Right, I'm in for some of
that!
Mick exits into flat.
Vi
Oh no, that's all we need!
Del
One voice...
We see Albert appear on the Trotters' balcony.
Albert
(Calls)
Del Boy! Del! Come in here!
We now se a 30-year old rastafarian (Texo) appear on
his balcony. He looks down to see what the fuss is
about. He now smiles widely and chuckles to himself.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
Darkness. All is quiet. Rodney and Cassandra are sound
asleep. Now the bedside phone rings.
Cassandra
(Mumbles sleepily)
Oh no!
Without opening his eyes or moving his head from the
pillow, Rodney reaches out and fumbles for the
receiver.
Rodney
(On phone. Clinically
asleep)
Hello? Yeah... Alright. Bye
bye.
He replaces the receiver.
Pause. Rodney and Cassandra continue sleeping peace-
fully. Now one of Rodney's eyes opens slightly as the
message begins to register. Now both eyes.
Rodney
Del Boy's singing in the
precinct!
Cassandra
What?
Rodney
Del's singing in the
precinct.
Cassandra
I can't hear anything.
Rodney
No, that was Albert on the
phone. Del's singing on the
estate. It's quarter past
two in the morning and
Del's singing!
Cassandra
Why?
Rodney
(Punching numbers
on phone)
I don't know.
Cassandra
Has he woken anyone up?
Rodney
Yeah, you and me for a start!
(On phone)
Albert. Why is Del singing?
Yeah... Mmmmmm. Right...
(To Cassandra)
No, he don't know either.
(On phone)
What d'you mean, come round?
What d'you want me to do -
harmonise with him? Albert,
there's not a song in the
world Del knows all the
words to, so he'll be
finished in a minute, won't
he? No, I am not coming
round! I'll see you
tomorrow.
Rodney replaces the receiver and lays back on bed.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
I don't believe it! I'd
better go round and see
what's happening!
EXT. NIGHT. THE COUNCIL ESTATE.
Now virtually all the lights are on. There is mayhem.
Mick and Arthur, who have both donned trousers, are
squaring up to each other in the precinct. Del is in
background still singing. Babies are crying, dogs
barking.
Del
'Ba da da da da... Just one
voice singing in the dark-
ness, all it takes is one
voice, Shout it out and let
it ring, Just one voice, it
takes that one voice, and
everyone will sing.'
We hear the distant sound of police sirens. Mix to:
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
An hour later. Albert enters from kitchen carrying two
mugs of coffee. Rodney is looking from the window and
down at the riot which is now taking place outside.
Reflections of flames flit across the window and
Rodney's face. We can hear the sound of breaking
glass, police sirens, shouting crowds, burglar alarms
and minor explosions.
Rodney looks up as we hear the heavy thudding sound of
helicopter rotor blades passing overhead. We see the
beam of its searchlight pass across the window. He
looks back to the precinct.
Albert
What's happening now,
Rodney?
Rodney
What's happening? They're
rioting again, that's what's
happening! Why don't you
have a look for yourself?
Albert
You're joking! I might get
a brick come through the
window!
Rodney
We're on the twelfth bloody
floor, Albert. What d'you
think they've done,
invited Geoff Capes along?
Albert
Mrs Murphy says they've
brought the horses out.
Rodney
Yeah. The police have gone
to get theirs now.
Del enters from bedrooms area wearing his silk dressing
gown.
Del
Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi, can't you
turn that telly down - I'm in
here trying to get some
sleep, ain't I, eh?
Rodney
I don't believe it! Eh! Would
you have a look out that
window and see what's
happening!
Del
Why, what's the matter now?
Rodney
There's a full-scale inner-
city riot going on
downstairs! They're all
there, Del Boy. The SPG,
snatch squads, looters,
people who wanna get on
telly, and unless I'm very
much mistaken, Kate Adie!
Del
Oh, oh, well, what started
them all off again then?
Rodney
You!
Del
Me? What have I done?
Del sits down.
Albert
You were singing, Del.
Del
Singing? Me?
Albert
Now don't try an' deny it,
son, 'cos I heard you.
Del
Singing? Oh, yeah, that's...
no, wait a minute, I remember
now, that's right. I was
celebrating, Rodney. Raquel
and Damien are coming home.
Rodney
Oh, that's a good reason for
a civil war, innit?
Del
Well, I was feeling a bit
euphoric.
(Taking Albert's
sandwich)
What's more natural than to
give vent to your joy with a
little song, eh?
Albert
It was, 'One Voice Singing in
the Darkness'.
Rodney
Yeah. Hark at them now,
there's bloody thousands of
'em.
Del
Alright, OK!
(To Rodney)
I'm sorry.
Rodney
Oh well, that's alright
then, innit, Albert?
Del
Alright, what do you want me
to do? Tell me what I should
do and I'll do it
Rodney
Oh well, why don't you stand
out there on the balcony and
shout 'Stop it!'?
Del
Oh, don't be ridiculous, they
won't take no notice of that
will they?
(Standing up)
I tell you what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna get dressed and I'm
gonna go down there.
Rodney
Eh? 'Ere listen, what're
you gonna do? You gonna try
an' talk sense into 'em?
Del
No, I'm gonna flog 'em some
of this ski gear.
Del exits to bedroom area,
EXT. DAY. THE MARKET.
The following day. The back doors of the three wheel
van are open. Rodney is in the back of a larger van
which has some insignia that tells us this is:
'Nelson's TV and Video.'
Rodney is handing Del flat packed cardboard boxes
with Russian writing on them. These are the VCRs Del
spoke about. Del is packing them into the back of the
three wheel van.
Del
There we are. Lovely Jubbly.
Come on then, off we go.
Rodney
Aren't you gonna check 'em?
Del
Mmmm? No, I don't have to -
I know what's in them.
Russian video recorders.
Rodney
No, I mean, aren't you gonna
check if they're OK?
Del
Yeah, I've had a look at one.
They've got buttons and
lights, they seem kosher to
me. Go on, get it in there!
Del looks up and reacts. We see Beverly passing through
the crowd. She sees Del and smiles. This time Del
doesn't return the smile. He stares back, frightened.
Del turns to Rodney.
Del
Rodney! Come here quick
Rodney. Look at that woman,
that woman.
Rodney
Who?
Del
There!
We see Beverly is no longer there.
Rodney
What's the matter with you?
Del
Don't matter, Rodney, forget
it! Come on, hurry up,
Rodney. Let's get all of
this stuff down to the
garage, then I've gotta go
an' pick up Raquel and
Damien from your place.
Del now scans the area searching for Beverly.
Rodney
You alright?
Del
Yes! Yes. Come on, just...
EXT. DAY. LONDON ROADS (INT CAPRI).
We see the green Capri pass us, Del driving, Raquel and
Damien in back seats and lots of baby paraphernalia
piled into the passenger seat.
Raquel
I saw the riot on TV this
morning. What started it
this time?
Del
I dunno. Seems to be the
slightest little thing
starts it all off these
days. Still, it was all
nice and quiet when I left
this evening.
EXT. DAY. THE COUNCIL ESTATE AND INT. CAPRI.
We see the riot has started again. We are at a stand
off stage. The police and rioters are about thirty
yards apart (Mike, Arthur and Vi are among the
rioters). The police are banging their riot shields
with truncheons in a threatening rhyme. The rioters
are jeering and egging the police to come forward. A
few sticks are being thrown towards the police. In
background a few fired can be seen burning. We see
the Capri pull up on the periphery of the riot area.
Del and Raquel stare horrified at the scene in front
of them.
Raquel
I thought you said it had
all quietened down! We'll
have to turn round and go
back to Rodney and
Cassandra's.
Del
But we live here!
Raquel
How the hell are we gonna
get through that lot in one
piece?
Del
Well. I'm not turning round!
Del starts blasting on the car horn. We see the officer
in charge of the riot squad. He hears the car horn and
looks in the direction of the little Capri. We see a
couple of the leaders of rioters do likewise.
Police Officer
(Over his speaker
to his men)
Hold it, hold it, hold it.
It's Del Boy!
Arthur
(To the others)
It's Del Boy!
The cry goes up from another couple of the rioters as
they appeal for a moment's truce.
Now the thumping of shields stops.
The jeering and throwing of stones, etc, stops.
Police Officer
(Gesturing to
Del)
Come through, Del.
The Capri now drives slowly down the avenue between the
opposing forces, bumping over the rock strewn road.
Raquel stares disbelievingly at this miracle. The Capri
pulls to a halt. Del calls out to one of the rioters, a
young black guy.
Del
Oi, Texo! I've got that VCR
that goes with your camera.
Texo
Nice one, Del. Be round
tomorrow.
Del winds down passenger window. He calls to a young
PC.
Del
Oi, Alex! Tell your sister
I've got her video recorder!
Alex
Righto, Del, I'll tell her
Tuesday when I go round for
tea.
Del
Lovely jubbly!
The Capri drives on until it is clear of the fight-
ing. All remains calm still. Del now gives a toot on
the horn (like the kick-off whistle). The police
immediately start thumping their shields, the
rioters start jeering and throwing things- the riot
is on again.
INT. DAY. THE LIFT FOYER/12TH FLOOR, NELSON MANDELA
HOUSE.
The following day. Del, in working clothes, exits the
lift. Standing by slatted-window we see a middle-aged
Asian man. He has one of Del's Russian cameras and is
trying to film the estate. The camera obviously isn't
working and he thumps it to try and make the motor
work. Del quietly unlocks door to his flat and sneaks
in before the man can see him.
INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. STUDIO.
Del closes front door and breathes a sigh of relief.
Now he hears two female voices from the living room.
He slowly moves towards the living room door, fear
growing inside. Here we find Raquel chatting away to
Beverly. Del enters and tries desperately to hide his
shock.
Raquel
Oh, Del. This is Beverly.
Beverly, this is my... well,
this is Del.
Beverly
Hi.
Del
Er, wotchya.
Raquel
Beverly's interested in
Damien's high-chair.
Del
How'd she find out about
that?
Beverly
I saw an ad in the news-
agents' window - I was out
the other night on my own,
you know, nothing to do...
Del
Oh, yeah?
Beverly
(To Raquel)
It's for my daughter's baby.
Raquel
His name's Damien as well!
Del
Oh, cushty!
Raquel
Could you deliver it later
today?
Del
Yeah, I suppose so, yeah.
Raquel
Del. Beverly might not be
able to afford the full
amount. D'you think we
could come to some
arrangement with her?
Del
Yeah, yeah, well yeah. I'll
leave it up you, sweetheart.
Look, I've just remembered,
I've got to go out and meet
someone. Yeah.
Beverly
Nice meeting you.
Del
Yeah, bye.
Del exits to hall.
Raquel
He's not usually like that.
Must be pressure of
business.
Beverly
Mmmh.
INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD.
Rodney is seated at a table eating his lunch.
Del joins him.
Del
Rodney, Rodney, Rodders.
I've got a problem. I've got
a big problem. Do you know
that woman we saw in the
market the other day?
Rodney
What, the one that wasn't
there?
Del
Yes, that one! She's only
haunting me, Rodney, she's
only bloody haunting me!
Rodney
Haunting? What d'you mean
haunting you?
Del
She's haunting me. She...
She's the one that I made
a date with and then gave
her the elbow! And, ever
since then, she's every-
where that I look! I mean,
the other night she was
here in the pub! And then
this morning I was driving
down the road and she was
standing there by a
bus stop, and then she was
in the market the other
day - you saw her!
Rodney
No, I didn't.
Del
Yeah, see what I mean? And
today, to top it all, today
I went home and she's in my
flat!
Rodney
What was she doing in your
flat?
Del
Oh she said that she'd come
to buy Damien's high-chair!
If she thinks I'm gonna
believe that she's got
another think coming.
Rodney
How'd she know it was for
sale?
Del
She said that she saw the ad
that I placed in the news-
agents!
Rodney
Oh, that is a bit far
fetched, innit?
Del
Exactly!
Rodney
Oh, you crack me up, you
do! Let's have a look at
the facts, shall we? So
she was in this pub! Now
maybe, just maybe, she was
having a drink! And then
you saw her in the market
at lunchtime - do you
reckon she might have
been shopping?
Del
Bit of a coincidence,
though that, innit?
Rodney
And then you saw her
waiting at a bus stop! Now,
this is just a hunch, Del -
but do you reckon there is
an outside chance that she
might have been waiting
for a bus?
Del
Well, I don't know, do I!
I tell you what I do know,
though. She is an ex-
psychiatric patient!
Rodney
So?
Del
So?! She is a jealous woman
Rodney. A woman scorned!
Now, jealous women are no
problem to me normally, you
know, I mean I can handle
all that, but this one is a
jealous woman who is an
olive short of a pizza! And
she knows where we live! We
could all wake up one
morning and find we was
killed while we was asleep!
Rodney
You're just letting your
imagination run away with
you. Does she seem odd in
any way?
Del
I don't know! You can judge
for yourself, you've gotta
deliver the high chair!
Del throws a scrap of paper with address onto table.
Rodney
Why have I got to go?
Del
Because I've got a wife and
kid.
Rodney
Yeah, but I've got a wife
and a... thermometer.
INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
One hour later. Nobody is in the lounge at this moment.
Del (same clothes as previous scene) enters from hall
/front door.
Del
(Calls)
Raquel! Raquel! Where are...
Raquel!
There is no reply. Now Del senses something is wrong.
He scans the room trying to find a clue to his
intuitive reaction. Now he finds Gerry the gerbil's
cage. The door to the cage is open and it is empty.
Something draws his attention towards the kitchen.
Cut to kitchen.
Del enters. On the stove we see a large aluminium
cooking pot which is bubbling and steaming.
Del, terrified of what he might find, approaches the
pot. He removes the lid and peers in. He reels back
in horror.
Del
Oh no, oh my God!
Raquel rushes into the kitchen.
Raquel
What's happened?
Look!
He takes a pair of wooden tongs and pulls a pair of
white long-johns from pot.
Raquel
What's wrong, Del?
Del
Albert's boiling his pants
again! Where's the gerbil?
Raquel
In Damien's room, he's play-
ing with it. Del, what is
wrong with you?
Del
I've gotta sort this all
out. I've got to sort it all
out. I gotta go out,
darling. I've gotta meet
someone.
Del exits.
EXT. DAY. LONDON STREET/DENTAL SURGERY.
Fifteen minutes later.
The Capri screeches to a halt outside the surgery.
Del alights and rushes into the surgery.
INT. DAY. DENTIST'S WAITING ROOM.
Three of four patients are waiting. Beverly is behind
the counter. Del rushes in.
Del
(To Beverly)
Right, now you listen to what
I've got to say! You leave me
and my family alone. You
don't frighten me! I'm not
scared of you.
The deep-toned buzzer rings.
Beverly
Mr James.
Mr James enters the surgery as Trigger exits.
Beverly
(Cont'd)
What's wrong with you, you
moron?
Trigger
Oh, just a couple of fill-
ings. Alright, Del?
Del
Yeah. Yeah, see you later,
Trig.
Trigger exits.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To Beverly)
You were following me!
Beverly
I've been following you?!
Del
Yes!
Beverly
I thought it was the other
way around!
Del
What?
Beverly
Everywhere I go I see you!
I go in the pub with my
daughter and son-in-law and
you're there. I'm waiting
for a bus and you drive by!
I go and do a bit of
lunchtime shopping in the
market and surprise,
surprise, there you are
again! I even went to buy a
second-hand high chair and
you walked in!
Del
I live there!
Beverly
OK, I'll let you off that
one!
Del
Right.
Beverly
Listen. I think, Mr Trotter,
our wires have become
crossed somewhere along the
line.
Del
But you were in a psychia-
tric hospital!
Beverly
Yes?
Del
Oh no, don't try and deny it!
No, a friend of mine was
visiting a relative there,
and he saw you!
Beverly
I worked there as a
receptionist.
Del
Sorry?
Beverly
I'm a medical receptionist!
Beverly gestures to the counter and appointments book.
Beverly
(Cont'd)
It's what I do, see!
Del
So you weren't following me?
Beverly
Good god! D'you think I'm
hard up? Now understand
this, Mr Trotter. If you
follow me or come to my
place of work and pester me
again, I'm gonna go to court
and take out an injunction
against you.
Del
Don't you worry, darling,
this is the last we'll hear
of each other.
Beverly
Good! Oh, and by the way, I
suppose I should have
expected as much, but that
high-chair's got a screw
loose.
Del
Well, tighten it!
Del exits.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. STUDIO.
This is Christmas day. All the family are there.
Del
(Pouring a drink)
There we are, sweetheart, go
on, then, get that down you.
Rodney
That was a lovely dinner,
Raquel.
Raquel
Thanks. Another drink,
Cassandra?
Cassandra
Better not, I'm doing the
driving.
Del
No, no, no, no, come on, you
can stay over tonight. We've
got plenty of room, we can
all mix in, can't we?
Cassandra
(To Rodney)
Shall we?
Rodney
Yeah, let's enjoy ourselves,
eh?
Del
Yes, that's it, you know it
makes sense! Oh, darling,
shall I put your Tubular
Bells on?
Raquel
No, no! Er, not yet, Del.
Del
Alright. She loves that
Tubular Bells.
(To Damien)
Hey, come on Champ. It's
bedtime for you. Come along,
that's it! Let's go to bed,
that's it, good boy, off we
go.
Everyone
Good night.
Del
Say goodnight.
4Damien
Na-night!
Del
Look, isn't that lovely? He's
only ten.
(To Damien)
Here we go. Which is your
room then?
Del and Damien exit to bedrooms area.
Cassandra
(To Raquel)
So, what d'you get Del for
Christmas?
Raquel
I got him one of those
answering machines he's
always on about.
Albert
That'll save me getting any
more rollockings for forget-
ting messages!
Rodney
Yeah. You know, this is
quite a good one. How much
did this cost you?
Rodney plugs the phone into the wall.
Raquel
Ssh. It didn't actually cost
anything. I swapped it for
Damien's high-chair.
Rodney
Yeah, well you know I reckon
you got a good deal there.
Does it work?
We hear a beep from machine.
Now we hear Del's voice.
Del
(On machine)
Oh hello, Beverly, this is
Del Boy. Erm listen, I'm
sorry, I've gotta cancel
our date tonight. Erm, yeah,
I'll, er, I'll give you a
call some other time.
Alright? Bonjour.
The line goes dead. We see Raquel's reaction and
Rodney's, Cassandra's and Albert's. Del enters from
bedrooms area with one of his Russian cameras on his
shoulders filming the family.
Del
(Singing)
Watch out, Trotter's about.
Hey, watch out, Trotter's
about! Hey hey hey hey watch
out now Trotter's about. Hey
come on, what's the matter
with you, eh? Eh? Well come
on, smile!
V/O continues over cut to:
EXT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' FLAT.
Crane down from ext. balcony to see new tree and the
children looking up at it.
Del
(Cont'd)
What's wrong, sweetheart?
Raquel
Don't touch me, Trotter!
Don't come near me, don't
even look at me!
We hear a door slam.
Del
What have you said to her,
Rodney?
Rodney
Me? I haven't said anything!
Cassandra
Don't try and blame Rodney,
it's nothing to do with
him!
Albert
Don't look at me either, son.
I'm keeping out of this!
Del
Look, ah, there you are,
Raquel. You feeling better
now, darling?
We hear a China ornament smash against a wall.
Del
(Cont'd)
Eh? Raquel, that could have
hit me!
Raquel
It was meant to hit you!
Del
Will someone tell me what
have I done! What have I
done?
The singing ('Silent Night') now takes over from the
row.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.