INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
This, as we shall soon discover, is a dream sequence,
although the audience should not be aware of this.
The greatest party in the world is taking place in
the Nag's Head pub (Could even be a Christmas party -
Christmas tree, cards, decorations, etc). Everyone is
there. 'Merry Christmas' by Slade is playing loudly.
There is so much food, so much booze, so much fun, so
much love that everyone in the country should wish
they were at this wonderful party. Everyone is
smiling, you can hardly see what's happening for
glinting teeth.
Some people are behaving uncharacteristically. Boycie
and Marlene are jiving, Rodney and Cassandra are
smooching and kissing quite passionately. At this
point Raquel is holding the twenty-two-month-old
Damien who wears a T-shirt with his name emblazoned
across the front and is holding a helium inflated
balloon. With hand-held camera we mingle through the
happy crowd.
A happy Raquel hands the baby to Del whilst she
refills her glass with champagne. Del dances with
Damien for a while until, surprisingly, Rodney opens
his arms wishing to take Damien. Del hands Damien to
Rodney and Rodney continues the dance. Rodney
behaves in a very affectionate uncle way to Damien,
tickling the child and making him laugh as he dances
round the room. Now Rodney comes to the mirror on
wall, he looks in mirror and is mystified.
We now see from Rodney's POV that Damien is missing
from the reflection - it is simply Rodney, with his
arm in the pose of holding the child, and a
disembodied balloon floating in the air.
Away from mirror, Rodney double checks and we see he
is still holding Damien. He looks back at mirror
and again Damien is missing. Rodney is totally
horrified, and opens his mouth to let out a cry.
INT. NIGHT.RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
Rodney and Cassandra are in bed. Cassandra is fast
asleep.
From the dream/nightmare Rodney lets out a cry of
alarm, there are beads of sweat on his brow. He wakes
from the nightmare and sucks in air in rapid breaths.
He checks radio/alarm clock. It stands at 6.59am.
Rodney
(Deeply depressed)
Oh, God! Not another day!
Rodney lays for awhile, calms himself and regains some
of his lost composure. The radio/alarm clock now
switches to 7.00am and 'Merry Christmas' by Slade
begins playing from radio-alarm. Rodney switches it
off quickly.
Cassandra
(Without opening
her eyes)
(Mumbles)
What's the time?
Rodney
It's time for us to
emigrate or at least
discuss the advantages of
a suicide pact.
Cassandra
And how are we feeling this
morning?
Rodney
Great! How else could I
feel? I'm thirty one years
of age and I work for
Trotter's Independent
Traders.
Cassandra
There are lots of people
who'd give their right arm
to be in your position.
Rodney
I know, but they're all
tucked up safe and sound
in their padded-cells.
Cassandra
Well, at least you seem a
bit more cheerful than
yesterday.
Rodney
You should come round to
Trotter Towers with me one
morning, Cass. It would
give Terry Waite the
shakes. You can't move for
teething rings and Farley
rusks and funny smells.
It's like nightmare on
Sesame Street. Raquel's got
post-natal depression,
Albert's got post-naval
depression and Damien keeps
chucking toys at my head.
Cassandra
Oh you big baby, they're
only fluffy dolls.
Rodney
I know, but Del's bought
him a Tonka toy for
Christmas.
Cassandra
How is Del now?
Rodney
Still putting on a brave
face. Laughing and joking
his way all the time. He's
worrying the life out of
me. We haven't bought or
sold a thing in months and
there he is running round
like Ken Dodd on ecstasy.
And there's something else
bothering him. I've see it
in his eyes before. It's
either when he's bottling
up some terrible secret or
he's had a really iffy
pork pie... oh, maybe it's
just the recession. We're
broke and he won't admit
it.
Cassandra
There are a lot of people
in the same boat.
Rodney
You're doing alright.
Cassandra
And what does that mean?
Rodney
Well, you've just been
promoted at the bank. Don't
get me wrong, you worked
hard for it and I'm proud
of you. What I mean is,
you've succeeded, you've
made it to the top.
Cassandra
I'm in charge of small
business investment at our
Peckham branch, it's
hardly the House of
Elliot, is it?
Rodney
At least you've done some-
thing. I'm just me.
Cassandra
(Kisses him on
cheek)
You'll do for me, big boy.
Rodney seems concerned at this potential sexual advance.
Rodney
I'd better make the coffee.
Cassandra
No, stay here awhile. You
know what I'd like to do?
Rodney
(Worried)
No.
Cassandra
I'd like us to go away for
a weekend. Just you and
me, somewhere really nice.
I know we can't afford it
at the moment, but I get a
bonus at the end of the
year, so maybe then, eh?
Rodney
(A tiny glimmer
of hope)
Yeah?
She kisses him.
Rodney
I'm sorry, Cass. I've been
feeling down - a bit
pressurised. That's why
I've been, you know... a
bit lacking in certain
areas recently.
Cassandra
(Massages his
neck)
I understand. That's why I
want us to go away, so you
can relax. Is that nice?
Rodney
(Enjoying the
massage)
Yeah, that's really good.
The bedside phone rings loudly.
Rodney
(Panicked)
Don't answer it!
Cassandra
Why not?
Rodney
It'll be Del!
Cassandra
How d'you know?
Rodney
It's his ring.
Cassandra
It's seven in the morning!
Rodney
That doesn't bother him.
Sleep is for wimps,
remember?
Cassandra
It might be mummy! For all
we know she could be ill!
Rodney
still don't answer it!
Cassandra
Don't be ridiculous!
(Answers phone)
Hello? Morning, Del.
Rodney
(Whispers)
I left five minutes ago.
Cassandra
(On phone)
No, he left about five
minutes ago... mmh... yeah
... I know he's your
brother... well, I know
that Rodney's worried
about you as well...
(Now angrily)
Look, it happens to a lot
of men when they're under
stress!
Rodney
(Under his
embarrassed breath)
Jeez! I don't believe him!
Cassandra
(On phone)
... Well aren't you the
lucky one!...
(Shocked)
That's private and personal
... Have I got a what? No I
haven't and I wouldn't know
where to get one!
Rodney
(Shouts)
Tell him to mind his own
bloody business!
Rodney reacts as he realises he's been heard.
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh, Roddy's just popped
back!
Rodney
(Quietly)
No I haven't!
Cassandra
(On phone)
Oh, he's left again! Yeah,
thanks a lot, Del. Bonj...
(Corrects herself)
Bye.
Cassandra replaces the receiver.
Rodney and Cassandra look at each other.
Rodney
Toast and marmalade?
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
It is 7.00 in the morning. The dirty breakfast crockery,
etc, is still on the dining table. Next to table,
seated in his high chair and still wearing his jim-jams,
is Damien, eating toast and jam. His high-chair tray is
littered with soft vinyl toys which he often hurls to
the ground or at Rodney or Albert's head. As the scene
progresses, due to Damien's uncanny accuracy, Rodney and
Albert get whacked on the head by one or two of Damien's
toys but they are so accustomed to this they never react.
Rodney is seated at table reading one of Damien's Mr Men
books. Albert is having a snooze in the armchair.
We cut away to Rodney whereupon a green vinyl toy
elephant hits him squarely on the back of the head.
Rodney takes absolutely no notice - it's as if it hasn't
happened.
Raquel enters from bedrooms area carrying a basket of
washing. Rodney hides the Mr Man book and starts reading
the Independent.
Raquel
Any tea in the pot, Rodney?
Rodney feels tea pot but more interested in newspaper
article.
Rodney
Yeah, plenty.
Rodney makes no effort to pour her a cup.
Raquel
Oh good.
Raquel awaits - or hopes - for an offer. It is not
forthcoming.
Raquel
(Sarcastically)
Would you like me to pour
you a cup, Rodney?
Rodney
(Considers offer)
Erm... na, I had breakfast
earlier. Anyway, don't you
worry about me, Raquel,
you've got enough on your
hands.
Raquel
Thank you.
Raquel picks up the green elephant and places it back on
Damien's tray.
Raquel
There you are, darling.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Slight pause.
The green elephant whacks Rodney on the head again.
Rodney continues reading newspaper without a blink of
an eye. We see the morning mail (One single brown
envelope) drop through the letter box.
Rodney collects the mail and then places green elephant
back on Damien's tray. He now switches radio on which
is playing 'Crocodile Rock' by Elton John.
The radio wakes Albert.
Albert
Is that the radio?
Rodney
No, Elton John popped in,
he's rehearsing in the
kitchen. It's eight bells
in the morning, Albert -
what are you doing asleep?
Albert
(Referring to
Damien)
That little sod had me
awake half the night.
Raquel has entered at this point to clear some stuff from
the table.
Raquel
He's teething, Albert.
Can't you remember when you
had teeth?
Rodney
He can't remember when he
had gums!
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Albert
Any tea in the pot, Rodney?
Rodney
No, it's empty.
Albert
Call that music? It's a
bloody racket. That's all
you youngsters are
interested in, noise,
noise, noise!
Rodney
Didn't your generation
ever enjoy itself, Albert?
Albert
When I was your age I was
fighting a war!
Rodney
Well, you must have made
more bloody noise than me,
then, mustn't you?
With a sneer Albert picks up the Daily Mirror and starts
reading. A pink, vinyl toy pig hits Albert firmly in the
back of the head. He takes absolutely no notice. Del
enters from bedroom, all fresh and wearing his Gordon
Gekko gear. He switches radio off and then ruffles
Damien's hair.
Del
Wotchyer, soldier. You're a
cracker. Can't imagine what
this flat would be like
without Damien, can you
Rodders?
Rodney
No... little devil.
Del
You alright, Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, t'riffic.
Del
No, I mean, are you alright,
Rodney?
Del nods head in that 'you know what I mean' manner.
Rodney
(Quietly seething)
Yes! Everything's alright!
Raquel has entered with the baby's breakfast (a bowl of
mushy Weetabix).
Raquel
Why, what's wrong then?
Del
Nothing, sweetheart!
Everything’s cushty
between Rodney and
Cassandra, ain't it,
Rodders? Just a bit of
stress, that's all. Can
happen to any man, I've
just been lucky. Do us
a bit of breakfast,
sweetheart.
Raquel
Do you a...! Don't you
think I've got enough to
do? I've got the baby to
feed and clean, I've got
the old man of the sea
there moaning 'cos his
egg was runny, I've got
washing and ironing to
do, beds to make and
hoovering to do. And I
finish all that just in
time to cook dinner! Do
it yourself, Trotter!
Albert, you can feed the
baby.
Raquel hands Albert the bowl and spoon.
Raquel exits to bedrooms area.
Del
I don't know what's wrong
with her. I keep asking
but she won't tell me.
Del exits to kitchen followed by Rodney.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' KITCHEN/LOUNGE.
Del and Rodney enter. During speech Del takes bacon from
fridge, etc.
Del
What more does she want? I
mean, she's got a nice
home, a lovely little baby,
and she couldn't ask for a
better bloke than me,
could she?
Rodney
No.
Del
But is she happy? No she is
not. I mean, I'm down that
casino nearly every night
till the early hours of the
morning tryin' to win us a
few bob. She should see how
much I owe 'em then she
might realise how hard I've
been trying. But she don't
seem to appreciate a thing
these days.
Rodney
Del, maybe it is 'these
days' that's getting her
down. None of us have got
any money, there's nothing
for her to look forward
to. Just a daily round of
washing and ironing and
toil and boredom.
Del
Well, we've all gotta take
the rough with the smooth,
ain't we? And I tell you
one thing, bruv, it's
gonna get a lot rougher
before the year's out.
Rodney
Righto, Derek, let's have
it out in the open. I want
the truth this time. Some-
thing's happening and I've
got a right to know.
Del
No, everything's alright,
Rodders, I mean, we got no
money and no business and
our future's about as
bright as a Yugoslavian
tour operator's, but other
than that everything's
cushty.
Rodney
No, there's something
else, Del. I noticed a
little while ago, you've
lost that kind of - zip.
The old Derek Trotter could
smell a fiver in a force
nine gale. They used to
say if Del Boy fell into a
viper's pit he'd come out
wearing snakeskin shoes.
But you seem to have lost
something. It's like
you're carrying some
burden. Maybe that's
affecting Raquel, it's
certainly affecting me.
Del
(Indicates Rodney's
groin)
Oi, I ain't taking the
blame for that thing!
Rodney
Shuddup! Now if you don't
tell me what it is I'll...
well, I don't know what
I'll do. I just think it's
fair I should know.
Del
Yeah, you're right, Rodders.
I could never hide anything
from you could I? D'you
remember a couple of years
ago I applied to the council
to buy this flat? Then they
ummmed and aahed about it.
Rodney
I thought they laughed.
Del
That was the first time. I
applied again after that.
What with the local
elections and strike,
everything got held up.
Well, I sort of forgot
about it. A couple of days
ago, right out the blue,
the papers finally come
through. I own this flat.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell!
Del
I've worked it out - the
mortgage repayments are two
and a half times the rent -
and I can't afford that!
Rodney
And that's what's upset
Raquel?
Del
No, I ain't told her about
it yet. Guess what else
comes with the flat? D'you
remember Grandad's old
allotment?
Rodney
Not that?
Del
Yeah? No-one's been even
near it for yonks. In the
last thirty years more
people have walked on the
moon than that allotment.
What the hell do I want
with an allotment? It's
just my luck, innit? I feel
like a mosquito who's
caught malaria.
Albert now enters, holding bowl and spoon. His beard is
covered with the mushy Weetabix.
Albert
Little sod threw his break-
fast all over me!
Del
(Revolted)
Oh my God. Gis the spoon,
I'll feed him.
Albert
Raquel's taken him to have
a nap.
Del
It puts you right off.
Rodney
There's nothing worse than
Weetabix in a beard, is
there?
Del and Rodney exit to lounge. Del re-enters kitchen with
sauce bottle. Albert is eating the sandwich.
Del
(To Albert)
Sauce?
Del goes into lounge.
Del
It's all going down the
tube, Rodney. I've gotta
get some money from
somewhere, bruv. It's
getting on top of me. I can
feel myself cracking.
Rodney
Listen to me. There was
this guy I used to know a
few years back at my
evening school. He reminded
me of you in many ways. He
was a really bright,
dynamic, go ahead sort of
guy - but like I say, in
other ways he reminded me
of you. He was the kind
who'd take a gamble, wasn't
frightened of living on the
edge. Well, a couple of
years back he found the
thing you've always been
looking for - a gap in the
market.
Del
A gap in a warehouse door'd
suit me at the moment.
Rodney
Myles was a bit of a
friend of the earth.
Del
Myles?
Rodney
He liked all that natural
food, even grew his own
vegetables.
Del
Well, he certainly sounds
the dynamic type.
Rodney
Don't put it down, it's a
massive market, Del, more
and more people are
turning to health foods
for, well, for their
health. Anyway, what Myles
noticed was; if he wanted
to buy a bag of natural
fertiliser he had to go to
a specialist garden centre
or smallholding. Then, if
he wanted some organic
vegetables he had to go to
a health food shop. So he
came up with the idea of
combining the two
entities. One centre where
you can buy all your
organic fertilizers and
your health foods. He now
owns four of these places
and he's opening a new one
next month in Maidenhead.
In two and a half years
he's become a millionaire!
Del
A millionaire?
Rodney
At least.
Del is now waiting for the sting. What's in for us
Trotters?
Del
(Optimism and
greed)
And?
Rodney
And what?
Del
Where do we come into it?
Rodney
Oh. Well, me and Cassy shop
there sometimes, she likes
all that organic food.
Del
Yes, I know that! What I'm
saying is; what's in it for
us?
Rodney
Well... nothing.
Del
Nothing?
Rodney
No.
Del
So what d'you tell me for?
Rodney
I was trying to point out
that even in these dark
days of recession some
people are doing well.
Del
Oh I see! It was just a
nice little story? The
parable of the lucky git!
Yes, well, that has cheered
me right up. Oh, I've gotta
tell Raquel.
Del moves to door to bedrooms area.
Del
(Calls from door)
Raquel, you've gotta come
and hear Rodney's story
about some mush who's
doing really well. Made a
couple of million
apparently. It's warmed
the cockles of my heart,
it really has. Anyway,
I'm just gonna punch
Rodney on the nose then
I'm off out.
Rodney
I wish I'd kept my mouth
shut now!
Raquel enters from bedrooms area. She is now smiling,
it's a menacing driendliness.
Raquel
Where you going today -
darling?
Del
(Fazed by her
attitude)
Em... I'm not sure at the
moment. I'll mooch about,
see if I can make us a bit
of poppy.
Raquel
I've got a much better
idea. Why don't you go down
and clear up your allotment?
Del
Allotment?
Raquel
Mmmh.
Raquel produces the brown envelope and takes paper from
inside.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
This arrived this morning
from the council. It's a
summons.
Del
Yeah?
Raquel
Mmmh. Apparently people
have been dumping rubbish
on your allotment! It's
now considered to be and
environmental health
hazard. They're giving you
two weeks to clear it up
or you've got to appear
in court! They even
mention the possibility of
a custodial sentence.
Del
Well. There's a thing,
ain't it?
Raquel
Are you gonna tell me what
the hell's happening or
have I got to starve it
out of you?
Del
Tch, this has spoiled the
moment, sweetheart. I was
gonna tell you all about
it tonight.
Raquel
Tell me what?
Del
It'll be much better tonight.
Raquel
Now!
Del
Well... this flat.
Raquel
What about this flat?
Del
I've bought it! - it's ours!
Raquel moves across to Rodney. Rodney nods.
Raquel
Oh, good!
Del
I'll get a couple of
bottles of champagne, shall
I?
Raquel
Not for me, Derek, I feel
light-headed already.
Del
we own our own home now.
This is all ours! We can do
what we want with it.
Raquel
Like what? Add a conserv-
atory or a nice patio?
Del
At least we got a roof over
our heads.
Raquel
And fourteen other families!
I'm gonna change the baby's
nappy.
Raquel exits to bedrooms area.
Del
(To Rodney)
I think she's excited really
- you know, inside.
Rodney
Yeah, you could tell.
Del
I think she was a bit
choked.
Rodney
Well, who wouldn't be?
Del
I'll go and calm her down.
Del exits to bedrooms area.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' FLAT.HALLWAY/BEDROOMS AREA.
Raquel is taking a fresh nappy from a cupboard or some-
where. Del enters from lounge.
Del
Look, sweetheart, I don't
blame you for having the
rats. The way things are
it's enough to give Harry
Seacombe the 'ump. But you
know me, I'll bounce back,
we'll soon have some cash
on the hip again.
Raquel
Is that what you think
this is all about, Del?
Money?
Del
Well, what then?
Raquel
God! Haven't you noticed,
Derek that I haven't been
out of this flat for
months?
Del
You go shopping three
times a week.
Raquel
I'm not talking about
shopping! I mean going out!
There's another thing, Del.
(Indicates Damien's
room)
Last year I decorated our
baby's room.
Del
I know, and you made a
blinding job of it.
Raquel
Thank you. You went out
and got a piece of carpet.
It didn't fit, but...
Raquel gives a 'who cares' shrug.
Del
I'm still on the look-out.
Raquel
And our baby had his own
little room. Warm, cosy,
safe. Then three months ago
you evicted Damien, moved
him in with us and filled
his lovely little room up
with all your old junk!
Del
Old junk! That's not old
junk. That's my stock.
Raquel
Your stock, old junk, same
thing!
Del
Raquel, you seem to be for-
getting what happened to
the rest of my stock.
Someone broke into the
garage and nicked it. I had
to bring the rest of it up
here to protect it.
Raquel
Oh, Del, hasn't it dawned
on you yet? All you have in
that room is what the
thieves left behind! How
the hell do you hope to
sell it when the burglars
wouldn't take it for free?
Raquel exits to Damien's room leaving Del pondering her
words.
INT. DAY. DAMIEN'S BEDROOM.
The walls are covered in baby wallpaper but that is about
the only sign that this was ever a baby's room. It is now
a store room and full of cardboard boxes of various sizes
and other bits of junk that Del has been unable to sell.
One of the larger boxes has the words: 'Crowning Glory'.
This contains the remainder of the wigs that Del bought
in the final episode of series 7('Three Nem, A Woman and
A Baby').Five or six other large boxes contain the
remainder of the 'Romanian Rheisling' which Del sold to
the church in 'Miami Twice' A few of the smaller boxes
have printed across them: 'Video Classics' Hanging from
the picture rail on one wall is a deep-sea divers suit
complete with weighted boots and brass helmet. Del
enters. From one box Raquel produces a Bros LP.
Raquel
A hundred and fifty Bros
LPs!
Del
Fashions change so fast in
the pop world, I was caught
unawares. They could be
back in fashion next month.
From another box Raquel produces a 'Free Nelson Mandela'
T-shirt.
Raquel
Two hundred and seventy
five 'Free Nelson Mandela'
T-shirts.
Del
I bought 'em on a Thursday
evening and Saturday
morning he was out on
parole. I mean, how was I
supposed to know?
Raquel has opened another box and produced a few Charles
and Di commemorative wedding plates and cups.
Raquel
Charles and Di wedding
plates.
Del
Nothing that a good sorting
out couldn't cure.
She opens a small jewellery box which contains a man's
chunky gold identity bracelet.
Raquel
A nine carat identity
bracelet inscribed with
name 'Gary'. We've got a
boxful of men's wigs you
bought before Damien was
born! Fifty pirate versions
of The Poseidon Adventure
- all on Betamax! 200
litres of Romanian
Rheisling.
Raquel now gestures to the diver's suit but can find no
words to say about it.
Raquel
Clear it out, Del. Dump it
with the rest of the
rubbish on your allotment!
Just clear the room out and
give it back to our baby.
Del
And what's to say tomorrow
I won't find a buyer for
all of this stuff?
Raquel
What are the chances of you
bumping into a bald-headed,
anti-apartheid, deep-sea
diving Bros fan who has a
betamax video recorder,
likes Romanian Rheisling
and whose name's Gary?
Del
Alright, I'll get shot of
it all.
Raquel
That will cheer me up, Del.
Really. I'll be a happy
woman again. Promise.
She exits.
Del
(To himself)
Wait 'til you see our
mortgage!
Del looks around sadly at his only stock in the world.
Del
(A quiet prayer)
Dear lord, please let me
prove to you that wealth
won't spoil me.
Rodney and Albert enter.
Rodney
Raquel said we had to help
you clear this room out.
Del
Yeah, I've decided to get
rid of it, have a clean
start.
Rodney
You're not dumping the
wine, are you? Couldn't you
sell it to Mike at the
Nag's Head?
Del
No I couldn't, Rodney! He's
a very good friend.
Albert
And he's tasted it.
(Referring to
diver's suit)
What d'you buy that thing
for?
Del
It was supposed to be a
surprise present for you, so
that you could go and have a
look at all the ships you
sailed on. ...No, I read in
one of the colour
supplements that diving was
all the go with the yuppies.
Rodney reacts.
Rodney
But they meant scub...
Del
Eh?
Rodney
Don't matter.
Albert
Seems a shame to throw it
all away.
Del
I've got nowhere else to
store it. I mean, the
garage ain't safe anymore.
Rodney
What about Grandad's shed?
Del
What shed?
Rodney
The one on his allotment.
Well, your allotment now.
Del
Yeah. I forgot he had a
shed! We'll pug it away in
there. Good thinking,
Rodney. Come on then. You
two bring all this stuff
down and I'll go open the
van door.
Del exits. Rodney and Albert look at each other.
EXT. DAY. THE ALLOTMENT.
We see a large expanse of average to shabby council-run
allotments. The three-wheeled van and the green Capri
are parked close-by, both packed with boxes, etc, from
Damien's room. We now zoom in to the allotments and find
Del, standing in the furthest, most overgrown allotment
of them all. At the back of the allotment we see a
dilapidated old shed. Dumped in amongst the grass and
weeds are parts of a car's engine, the rusted front wing
of a car, few old wooden crates, piles of rocks and
masonry and four large aging and rusting industrial
drums(the sort of thing that could contain chemicals.)
We find Del and Rodney standing in grass and weeds which
reach almost up to their chins. Del appears stunned.
Rodney
Well, what d'you reckon
then?
Del
What do I reckon? The last
time I saw anything like
this was in that film
Gorillas in the mist. It's
a jungle! Tod knows what
lives in here.
Albert suddenly appears from out of nowhere.
Albert
Del!
Del
(Jumps with fear)
Gordon Bennett! Don't do
that, Albert! You nearly
gave me a connery then!
(To Rodney)
I could have sworn I saw
the blowpipe and poison
dart.
Albert
You seen all that rubbish
that's been dumped over
here?
They move off.
Del
Dear oh dear. This is ruin-
ing my shoes, you know.
(Referring to
the drums)
Look at all this stuff.
What're those drums doing
here?
Rodney
Dunno, but they’re full. I
wonder what's in 'em?
One of the drums is lying on its side and some of the
liquid has leaked out. It is a bright yellow liquid.
Albert
There's one open here. Some
sort of yellow stuff.
Rodney peers in and then reels away from the acrid
odour.
Rodney
Blimey! Smell that!
Del
(Sniffs)
What is that?
Rodney
I don't know, but it could
be toxic.
Del
It could be bloody
poisonous an' all!
Rodney
Yeah.
Del wanders off towards the shed. He opens the shed door
and surveys the inside. His eyes finally move to the
shed floor. He sees something on the floor that revolts
him.
Del
Eeuurgh, the dirty, rotten
filth... Rodney!
Del exits shed.
Del
I tell you what we'll do.
Me and Albert'll get the
gear from the van,
Rodney, you clear the
shed out.
Rodney
Righto.
At this point we see Trigger approaching with his dust
cart and broom. He wears a 'Peckham cleansing depart-
ment' donkey jacket.
Trigger
Del boy, Dave.
Del
Alright, Trig? Don't fancy
sweeping all this stuff up
for us, do you?
Trigger
I'm not a road sweeper any-
more.
Rodney
No? What are you now, a
piano tuner?
Trigger
I'm an environmental
hygienist.
Albert
And what do they do when
they're at home?
Trigger
Well, sweep the roads. But
the council have upgraded
me.
Albert
(Referring to
the spilt liquid)
Perhaps Trigger knows what
this is. It's his game,
ain't it?
Del
Oh, Albert! Trigger can't
find his way out of a
telephone box.
Albert
He may have come across it
on his rounds. Have a look,
Trig.
Trigger peers into one of the drums with the eye of an
expert.
Trigger
It's some sort of yellow
stuff.
Del
Bloody 'ell, you were right,
Albert. He got it spot on.
Rodney
No hesitation either, was
there? You've gotta get rid
of this stuff and fast. This
is the environmental health
hazard the council are
talking about.
Del
How d'you know? I mean look,
there's a lot of old crap
round here.
Albert
They're just rocks and
lumps of metal. You can
cut your finger or scratch
your knee, but this stuff
- who knows what it is.
Del
We'll pour it down the
drain then.
Rodney
You can't pour it into the
public sewers, it could be
volatile, you could end up
with sh - we could create a
disaster area. I tell you
one thing, Del Boy, either
these things go away or you
do!
Del
Where am I gonna get rid of
them?
Trigger
There's a 24 hour waste
disposal depot down
Stamford Road. Drop 'em off
down there.
Del
That's a good idea, Trig.
We'll get these barrels in
the back of the van, won't
we, Rodney?
Rodney
No.
Del
Well how are we gonna get
rid of them then?
We now hear the blast of a van's horn. We see Denzil
momentarily in his 'Transworld Courier Service' transit.
Cut to see Del's reaction. Cut to Denzil driving along
in his van.
Denzil
Oi! Del Boy!
Back to our group. See idea form in Del's brain.
Del/Albert/Rodney
Denzil.
EXT. NIGHT. THE ALLOTMENTS.
Denzil's van is parked close by with the back doors open.
Del, Trigger and Denzil, dressed in their everyday
clothes, are studying the barrels. Denzil appears very
dubious.
Del
(Cheerfully)
Righto. Come on then,
Denzil. Let's get these
barrels on the back of your
van, Denzil.
Trig immediately takes hold of barrel and prepares to
lift.
Denzil
Hey hang on, hang on, not
so fast! What are these
things?
Trigger
They're barrels!
Denzil
I can see they're barrels!
I mean, what's in 'em?
Del
Nothing to worry about,
just some gunge.
Denzil
Gunge? What sort of gunge?
Del
What d'you mean, what sort
of gunge? Gunge is gunge,
innit?
Denzil
No, it isn't! There's
harmless gunge, the sort
you can give kids for
Christmas and they make
models out of - and then
there's killer gunge!
One sniff and you're down
the co-op collecting your
divi's!
Del
This is not killer gunge!
What sort of bloke d'you
think I am?
Denzil
This could be anything,
Trig! For all we know this
could be... Well, this
could be bloody Concorde
fuel!
Del
No, honest, it's not
Concorde fuel, it's anti-
freeze from the Starship
Enterprise! Bloody Concorde
fuel!
(Moving to shed)
It'll be battery acid for
Thunderbird Three next! You
wally! Look, d'you want the
contract or not? I'm a busy
man, I've got things to do.
Del enters the shed which is dimly lit by a small gas
lamp.
Denzil
How can you be certain this
stuff isn't dangerous?
Del
(Emerges)
Because it's not - and
that's the truth!
Del goes back inside shed.
Trigger
(To Denzil)
There you are, you've
heard it from the horse's
mouth. Now, you get that
end...
Denzil
(Cuts in)
What d'you mean, I've
heard it from the horse's
mouth? That's Derek
Trotter in there, not
bloody Einstein!
Trigger
Del knows what he's talk-
ing about! and I don't
see what the Beatles
manager's got to do with
it anyway!
Denzil
Look, Trig... What?
Trigger
When we was at school Del
Boy was the best in our
class at chemistry. He
used to sell home-made
fireworks. He even blew
the science lab up once.
Denzil
I remember, I was doing
detention in there at the
time!
Trigger
And you say he don't know
what he's talking about!
Del
(OOV)
Denzil, believe me it's
harmless - and to prove it
I'm gonna help you carry it.
I can't say fairer than
that, can I?
Denzil unscrews the lid of one barrel and smells the
contents.
Denzil
(Reacts to acidic
smell)
Jeez!! It doesn't smell
harmless!
Del
(OOV - shed)
Nor does my Uncle Albert
but he wouldn't hurt a fly.
Look, trust me, will you? I
am your friend! You know it
makes sense.
Trigger
They can't be dangerous,
Denzil.
Denzil
But how do you know?
Trigger
Because Del has offered
to help us carry 'em!
Denzil
Yeah, but...
(Finally concedes
the point)
Yeah, okay, Trig, I suppose
you've got a point.
(Calls to shed)
You gonna help us lift
these barrels onto the van,
then?
Del
(OOV - shed)
Just coming.
Del now exits from shed wearing the deep sea diver's suit
(complete with brass helmet) we had seen earlier hanging
in the lock-up. Denzil reacts to the vision. After a
cursory glance, Trigger doesn't appear that surprised.
Denzil just stares at Del.
Del
Come on, Denzil, we ain't
got all night!
They just stare at him.
Del
That's the way. Lovely
Jubbly.
EXT. NIGHT. COUNCIL TIP.
The tip is protected by a chain-link fence and gates. A
sign is revealed in the headlights of Denzil's van.
Sign reads: 'Peckham Borough Council Environmental
Waste Processing Plant.'
The van - with Denzil driving, Trigger seated next to
passenger door and Del (still wearing the full diver's
uniform) seated in between them - pulls to a halt. We see
that the gates are locked and the plant is closed and in
complete darkness.
Denzil
It's closed!
Trigger
(Checks watch)
Well, it's a bit late,
innit?
Del
What d'you mean 'a bit
late?' You said it was open
twenty four hours a day!
Trigger
Yeah, but not at night!
Denzil and Del look at each other. A man, out walking
his dog, passes by in front of the van. We see his
reaction as he spots a man in diver's suit sitting in
the front of a transit van.
Denzil
So what do we do now? We've
got six thousand gallons of
- something in the back of
my van!
Trigger
We could take it to the
other council place I used
to work at!
Del
Is it open?
Trigger
No.
Denzil
(Screaming in
frustration)
Well, what's the point in
taking it to your depot
if that's not open either?
Trigger
It soon will be open - I've
got a spare set of keys.
(Produces bunch
of keys)
Denzil
You sure it'll be alright?
Del
Who cares?
Trigger
Yeah, no problems. Back up,
you're alright behind,
Denzil.
Denzil
I mean, is it legal?
Del
Yes! Now back up, Denzil!
I'm getting bloody hot in
here. I don't see what the
fascination is in this
diving lark.
EXT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK.
We see the diver's suit laying on the passenger seat of
Del's Capri. Del, Trigger and Denzil exit from pub.
Del
(To Denzil)
Here you are then. Now
ain't you glad you listened
to me? These are austere
times, Denzil, and if it
hadn't been for my
persuasion you'd have
turned a contract down
tonight.
Denzil
Yeah, I suppose you're
right.
Del
No suppose about it. Right,
that's fifty quid I owe
you.
Denzil
You owe me?
Del
Yes! I'm not having you do
this for me as a favour,
no matter how much you'd
like to.
Denzil
Yeah, but I thought...
Del
You can't persuade me,
Denzil, so don't waste your
breath. I'll see you for
the money - and no
argument!
(To Trig, referring
to Denzil)
He'd do anything for anyone
wouldn't he?
Trigger
That's what mates are all
about, innit.
Del
Course it is. Gets you
right there sometimes. Your
name's in me book, Denzil,
I won't forget tonight.
Denzil
Same here!
Denzil and Trigger move towards Denzil's van.
Del
Thanks for everything, lads.
See you Denzil.
Denzil turns and raises his hand, the palm of which
glows an eerie radio-active yellow.
Denzil
See you, Del.
Del
(Notices the glow.
Calls to Trigger)
See you, Trig.
Trigger turns and raises his hand, the palm of which
glows an eerie radioactive yellow.
Trigger
See you.
Del is the only one to notice this. He is slightly
bemused by the strange sight but just shrugs it off as
an optical illusion. He climbs into Capri.
EXT. DAY. THE GARDEN AND ORGANIC FOOD CENTRE.
The sign above the centre's main doors reads: 'Nature's
Way'. We see the van pull into the parking area. Rodney
is driving, Del is reading the Financial Times and so
doesn't realise where they are.
Del
What's this?
Rodney
Oh, d'you remember that
bloke I told you about?
Myles.
Del
(Jealousy showing)
What, the one who's done
really well, a millionaire
in two and a half poxy
years?
Rodney
Yeah. Well, this is one of
his places.
Del
So what we doing here?
Rodney has produced a small slip of paper.
Rodney
Well, Cassy asked me to pop
in there and get a bit of
shopping.
Del
Shopping?
Rodney
For dinner tonight.
Del
Oi! What's the point in
getting married and then
doing the bloody shopping
yourself? No wonder you've
got... problems.
Rodney
Oi! You just keep your nose
out of my business! Alright?
Del
I tell you something. I bet
I know what Cassandra's
thinking when you're laying
under the duvet at night.
Rodney
Yeah?
Del
I bet she's thinking, 'I
wonder how many tangerines
Rodney could get for a
pound.'
Rodney
You keep on like that,
Derek, and you'll be sorry!
INT. DAY. NATURE'S WAY.
To one side we see bags of natural fertilizers, peat and
mulch, etc, plus gardening tools and equipment. To the
other side lies the organic foods centre which is like a
small self-service mart. The shelves are filled with
pre-weighed and packed vegetables and fruit, etc. There
is also a vast range of natural fruit and health drinks
plus a massive display of mineral waters from Britain and
the continent. Signs everywhere tell of the fresh,
organic and natural emphasis of the establishment. Del
and Rodney enter the food department with Rodney
checking his shopping list.
Del
(Too loud for
Rodney's liking)
Cor, don't half pen and
ink in here, dunnit?
Rodney
Ssshh! It's all the fertil-
izers and manu... and other
things. Every single item
in here has been grown the
way nature intended.
Del
Oh yeah? It must be nice
for you and Cassandra to
sit down to dinner knowing
that everything on your
plate was once under a
pile of horseshit.
Rodney
I'll get my shopping then
we'll be off.
Del
Oh good.
Del follows Rodney around the store. Rodney places a
bag of potatoes in his trolley.
Del
Look at the price of
these spuds!
Rodney
You pay extra because
they're organic. I tell
you, there are no E120
additives in these foods.
Del
No E120's? Before you met
Cassandra you thought an
E120 was a bus. What's
this, sprout tops? Twenty-
eight pence a pound? Look
at these carrots. I mean,
it's...
Rodney places two litres of mineral water in trolley.
Del
Sixty five pence for a
bottle of water?
Rodney
Will you mind your own
business!
Del studies all the other brands of mineral water. Not
being a regular shopper, he is astounded at the price
labels.
Del
(Another bottle)
Why don't you have this one
then, it's only seventy-two
pence a bottle... their
money on nowadays?
Rodney
Yes, it's one of the few
remaining growth industries.
Del
(A plan is
obviously brewing)
Is it really?
Rodney's attention is drawn by the sound of Myles's
voice.
Myles
Rodney!
Rodney
Myles!
Del
(To another
customer)
Black eye beans?
We cut away to find Myles. Myles is 31 and an earnest
person in a corduroy kind of way. He is a friend of the
earth and a successful businessman - a cross between
Richard Branson and David Bellamy. He wears a sports
coat with leather elbow patches and sports a 'save the
whales' badge. Myles can adopt a superior attitude
with those he considers to be his inferiors.
Rodney
Hey, Myles, how you doing?
Myles
Pretty good. Yourself?
Rodney
Fine. Oh, by the way -
Myles, this is my brother,
Derek - Del, this is Myles.
Del
Nice to meet you, son.
Myles
(Barely looking
at Del)
You too.
(Referring to his
shop)
So, what d'you think?
Rodney
In one word 'impressed'.
Del
In one word 'bloody
expensive'.
Myles
Expensive?
Del
Look at the price of the
spuds and carrots and your
brussel sprout tops,
twenty-eight pence a
pound! Water, seventy-two
pence a bottle.
Myles
That water happens to come
from the most natural
sources in Britain - and
France and Switzerland and
Italy, I might add. I'm a
founder member of the
SWANS committee.
Del
(Genuinely confused)
SWANS? What, you mean the
big white duck things?
Myles looks to Rodney.
Rodney
No, Del. It's an acronym.
Del
Oh well, that's what I
thought. I was just about
to say that's an anacronym.
You can bet your life. I'd
have put money on it.
Myles
And you'd have been right.
Del
What d'you fee 'em on?
Myles
What do I feed what on?
Del
Your acronyms.
Rodney
No, no. It's not a duck or
a goose or anything. An
acronym is a word made up
of the initials of another
set of words.
Del
Oh that sort of acronym?
Myles
Gotta rush, Rodney. It's
been, er... It's been real.
Myles exits.
Rodney
Big bloody ducks!
Del
You what?
Rodney
SWANS are the initials of
the Spa Water and Natural
Springs committee and
Myles is the vice-
president... he's the one
who hands out the
certificates of purity.
Without his signature none
of these companies can
sell their goods. I can't
help but admire him. I
tell you, that bloke is
going places.
Del
Yeah, well, with a name
like Myles he's bound to.
Rodney
(Remembering)
Cabbage.
Rodney moves off to finish his shopping. Del stares back
at the shelves of potatoes, water and carrots. We're not
sure exactly which one has drawn his interest.
EXT. DAY. THE ALLOTMENT.
The part of the allotment we can actually see is now
cleared of the rubbish that had been dumped there,
including the rocks and rubble and, obviously, the
drums of gunge. The long grass and weeds, except for
a couple of thick bushes, have been cut down and part
of the ground has been dug-over.
The green Capri is parked close by.
We see Del and Albert sitting in deck chairs close to
the shed. They are both wearing wellies and gardening
gear and look like a couple of extras from Emmerdale
Farm. Del's Dan archer image is ruined slightly by his
aluminium Arnie Becker Briefcase. Albert is cleaning out
and sucking on his old pipe as if preparing it for
filling. He keeps the pipe in evidence.
Albert
It just show you what a
little bit of hard work
can achieve.
Del
Yep. Gives you a sort of
warm feeling, don't it? I
mean, what's a few aching
muscles and blisters on
the hands compared with
this vision in front of
us.
Albert
I know what you mean, Del.
Del
(Looks at watch)
Oh, look at that. It's
twelve o'clock.
(Calls of camera)
Oi, you two.
We see Trigger and Denzil. One of them is holding a
garden fork, the other a shovel. They are both dirty
and sweating.
Del
You go an' get a bite to
eat, you deserve it,
you've worked hard.
Trigger and Denzil walk towards Del and Albert.
Trigger
See you in an hour, Del
Boy.
Del
No hurry, Trig.
Denzil
We're never gonna get this
finished today, you know.
Del
There's always tomorrow,
Denzil, that's my motto.
I'll see you in an hour.
Denzil and Trigger move off towards Denzil's van. Now
the three wheeled van screeches to a halt and an
irate Rodney alights and approaches Del and Albert.
Trigger
(To Rodney)
Dave!
Rodney
What's your bloody game,
Del?
Del
Something wrong, bruv?
Rodney
Myles has just phoned the
flat. He wanted to confirm
his appointment with you.
Del
Oh good, he's on his way
then.
Rodney
What are you playing at,
Del?
Del
After our visit to Myles'
place last week something
happened to me, Rodney. It
was like a blinding flash
of light - like St. Paul on
the road to Tabascus. I
went green, Rodney. I
realised that what I had
here was not just an
allotment - it was God's
good earth in which I
could grow vegetables and
... things. These rough
hands are gonna feed my
woman and child. I'm a
born-again gardener,
Rodders.
Rodney
But you've never done
gardening in all your life.
Del
Well, it's been a bit
difficult, innit living on
the twelfth floor of a
tower block? But now I've
got a chance.
Rodney
But, Del, to you a King
Edward is something you
smoke.
(Referring to
Albert)
And the only thing he's
ever grown is a beard! You
don't know anything about
gardening.
Del
No, but I know a man who
does. That's why I gave
good old Myles a bell. He
didn't seem to mind.
Rodney
Well ... No, I suppose not.
I mean, it's in his
interest, ain't it? He
could sell you some of his
fertilizer and what 'ave
you.
Del
Exactly. He helps me, I
help him, 'conseil d'etat'
as they say in Grenobles.
Hold up, here he comes
now.
We see Myles' car, a Citroen 2CV, approaching. Rodney
moves away to greet Myles.
Del
Ship ahoy, Albert. Now you
know what you've gotta do
and say, don't you?
Albert
Leave it to me, son.
Del
Don't go overboard! Nice
and easy, alright? Off you
go then.
Myles alights from his car and studies the allotment
with a somewhat confused expression.
Del
Myles, nice to see you
again. Beautiful day for
sowing a turnip, eh?
Myles
(Referring to
the allotment)
Is this it?
Del
Well... yes!
Myles
You told me you had 'land!'
You were even talking about
leaving one area to lay
fallow.
Rodney
(Embarrassed)
It's just an allotment.
Myles
I know it's an allotment!
I can see it's an
allotment!
Del
Well, I'm new to all this
gardening malarky. I just
thought that you, being a
friend, would be willing
to advise. And Rodney
said that you are the
kiddy when it comes to an
organic swede.
Myles accepts the compliment with a modest smile.
Del
And of course, anything I
need will be bought from
your organic garden
centre.
Myles
(A heavy, reluctant
sigh)
Yes, okay, fine. Are you
working with compost?
Del is indicating Albert walking behind him with a lit
pipe.
Del
No, it's most probably
his pipe.
Myles
I mean, do you have a
compost heap?
Del
No, but I'm keeping an eye
out for one.
Myles
First things first. We
have to ascertain what kind
of soil you have.
Del
Well, it's this - earthy
sort.
Rodney
There are many varieties of
soil. There's, er... well,
there's all sorts, ain't
there, Myles?
Myles picks up a small handful of soil and rubs in
between his fingers. He considers the texture of soil
whilst making those expert doctor type sounds;
'mmmh'... 'hmmm'.
Del
(To Rodney)
What's he doing?
Rodney
(Embarrassed by
Del's naivete)
Tch! He's a gardener. He's
... well, ...what are you
actually doing, Myles?
Myles
I'm testing the soil for
texture and structure.
Myles is still rubbing soil between fingers.
Del
(To Myles)
I'd have a care, son,
there's a lot of cats round
here.
Rodney
Just leave him alone, Del.
Myles, with bits of earth remaining on fingers from
his texture testing, now wets his fingers with his lips.
Del
(Horrified, thinks
Myles is eating
the soil)
What's the weirdo up to now?
Rodney
He's testing the structure!
Del
He'll be testing the
hospital's stomach pump if
he ain't careful!
Myles
It's slightly alkaline.
Myles hands Del a few small crumbs of earth to test
for himself.
Del
No thanks, son, I had a
fry-up 'fore I come out.
Rodney turns away from Del and Myles in embarrassment.
We hear Myles talking in background as we stay on
Rodney.
Myles
You realise, Derek, this
could take up to five years
of drainage and care to
achieve the best crops.
Rodney now does a double-take on something he has seen
towards the back of allotment. He moves towards it.
Whatever it is confuses and bemuses him. He is totally
mystified by the vision.
Del
(Optimistically)
Five years? I thought it'd
take a long time.
We cut away to show for the fist time 'the Peckham
Spring' in all its glory.
Many of the old rocks that had been dumped on the
allotment are now piled in a circle with grass and
plants growing between and around them to give the
impression of age. Water bubbles out of a pool set
within the rocks and runs away through a drain away.
Rodney
(Incredulously to
himself)
What the..?
We see Albert digging in background. He ses Rodney's
reaction to the 'spring'. Albert places his finger
over his lips in a 'keep quiet' gesture to Rodney. A
horrified Rodney now realises that this is what Del
was up to. He moves closer to the spring. We see Del
and Myles continuing in the background.
Myles
I think we'll try a cocktail
of fishmeal and dry-blood,
mushroom compost and horse
and cow manure.
Del
(Rubbing hands
together in
delight)
Lovely Jubbly!
We cut away to Rodney who is still studying the
Peckham Spring. Now, with his suspicions on red alert,
Rodney begins moving away from the spring and towards
the longer grass that leads round the back of the
allotments. He is obviously seeking the source of the
spring.
Myles
Blood, fish and bone,
that's what we need here,
Derek.
Del
Just what the doctor
ordered.
Del is suddenly alarmed to see Rodney searching
through the long grass.
Myles
If that doesn't work we'll
try a touch of hoof and
horn.
We cut back to Rodney and his search. He is now some
thirty yards or so away from the spring. Now,
partially, hidden in the grass, we see a hosepipe.
Rodney follows the hosepipe to a communal water tap
hidden behind some heavy bushes or some kind of
structure. He turns and looks in Del's direction
with a bemused, begging look in his eyes. Del
returns a fierce warning look.
Myles is waffling on in background.
Myles
We'll have to talk about
crop-rotation, Derek. But
the first thing is a good
old-fashioned digging over.
I'll get my soil-testing
kit from the car.
As Myles turns he catches sight for the first time
of the spring.
Del
No, no, Albert'll run to
the car for you, Myles.
Myles
What's that?
Del
What's what?
Myles
That! The water.
Del
Oh that? That's the old
Peckham Spring. Rodney, go
an' fetch Myles's soil-
testing kit.
Rodney has joined them.
Myles
No, no, wait a moment. The
Peckham Spring? I never
realised there was a spring
in Peckham!
Del
Oh yes. That's why it's
called the Peckham Spring -
it's in the doomsday book.
Del
It's been there for well,
centuries. We don't
actually know where the
spring comes from, do we,
Rodney?
Rodney
No, but it's certainly
'sprung' up from somewhere,
innit, Del Boy?
Del
Yeah. Our old Grandad
tried to block it off but
it kept bubbling up
somewhere else, so in the
end we just left it. Now,
where'd you leave your
kit, Myles?
Myles
No, that can wait. This is
fascinating. A natural
urban spring! This is a
real discovery! Is it
pure?
Rodney
(Grabs the opportunity
to kill the scam)
I wouldn't have thought
so, Myles, not with this
alkaline soil.
Albert
Pure? I've been drinking
that water since I was a
little nipper and it never
done me no harm.
Albert now digs, but with
great energy and gusto.
Del
(To Myles)
Take no notice of him. He's
98, a bit ... you know...
Del taps temple to suggest senility.
Myles
He's 98?
Del
Yeah. Ain't he, Rodney...
bruv?
Rodney
(Sheepishly)
...Yeah! ...but only
recently.
Albert
I've drunk from the finest
wells and rivers on this
planet and there is
nothing to touch the
Peckham Spring.
Myles
Derek, I wonder if you'd
mind me taking a sample of
this water away for
analysis?
Del
What for?
Myles
To test its purity.
Rodney
It's not pure, Myles! Take
my word for it, it's not
pure!
Del
Rodney's right, Myles, of
course it ain't pure. It's
coming up from the centre
of the earth through all
them 'orrible rocks and
things.
Myles
Yes! And it's those 'rocks
and things' that filter
the water of impurities
and give it its life-
preserving qualities.
Minerals, Derek, minerals!
You may remember I told
you that I was the vice
president of the SWANS?
(Now a friendly
laugh at the
memory)
And you thought I meant
'big white ducks'.
Del
Oh yeah!
Del and Myles laugh at this.
Myles
Well, what SWANS actually
stands for is: the Spa
Water and Natural Springs
Committee. We test the
waters of all the springs
and spas in Britain and
give certificates
verifying the quality and
contents.
Del
Sorry, Myles, you've lost
me.
Rodney
I've got a feeling it won't
take you long to catch up,
Del.
Myles
D'you remember last week
when you and Rodney were at
my garden centre? Did you
notice all the various
mineral waters I sell.
Waters from all over
Britain and indeed Europe.
Rodney
You remember, Del, you
checked the prices on about
nine or ten of 'em.
Del
Oh them?
Myles
Yes, them! Now what I'm
saying, Derek - may I call
you, Del?
Del
Oh mai oui, mon pleasure.
Myles
If, and I do emphasise the
word 'if' - if this water
should pass our laboratory
tests there is a strong
possibility that we could
actually bottle it.
Del
What d'you mean 'bottle
it'?
Rodney
(Becoming bored
with Del's
game)
He means put it in
bottles, Del.
Myles
I am a conservationist,
a friend of the earth and
deeply concerned with our
planet's future. But I am
also a businessman. Now I
don't for one moment
expect someone like you to
see the potential of this
water, so let me explain
in simple terms. You have
the source, ie, the
Peckham Spring, I have the
means of selling it
through my natural food
centres - and, if
successful we could even
expand to supermarkets and
other outlets.
Del
Wait a minute, wait a
minute. Let me get this
straight. Are you saying
that we can sell this
water?
Rodney
By George I think he's got
it!
Myles
I'm saying there’s a
possibility. It all depends
on the laboratory report.
Now I need something to
take a sample with.
Albert
There's a bucket here.
Myles
No, it must be a sterilised
container. I'll just drive
back to the centre. I'll
only be a short while.
Del
No need, Myles. I think
I've got the very thing in
my briefcase. Albert! Come
here!
Del leads them over to shed to open his Arnie Becker
briefcase
Del
(Cont'd)
I've been down Mothercare
this morning, got my little
boy a bottle.
(Produces film-
wrapped baby-
bottle)
A 'sterilised' bottle. Will
that do?
Myles
That's just the job. How
old's the baby?
Rodney
Nearly two.
Del
Yeah! He's a bit slow going
on to solids. Still, we're
not worried, Rodney was on
the breast till he was
three and a half. Albert,
go an' fill this up from
the Peckham Spring. And
don't get any dirt on that
bottle.
Albert
Leave it to me, son.
Myles
(Myles feels he
should do this
himself)
Well, I think maybe I
should...
Del
(Cuts his thought
off)
Now, there's something I
wanted to ask you Myles,
when you talk about 'crop
rotation' do you mean that
every so often I've gotta
dig the potatoes and
sprouts up and turn 'em
over?
Myles
What? No, no. Let's say for
instance one season you
grow potatoes in this area
of the allotment, well,
next season you should grow
some other root vegetable
in that area.
Del
Oh right. Like rotate it?
Makes sense.
Rodney arrives at spring to join Albert.
Albert
What d'you want, Rodney?
Rodney
I've just gotta see how
you get out of this one.
Albert bends down as if about to fill the baby-bottle
from the spring. Now, from underneath his coat, he
produces a canvas knapsack and opens it. Inside we
see a half-empty bottle of Buxton or Malvern water
(Still) and a identical baby-bottle already filled with
the mineral water. Albert removes the full baby-bottle
and hides the empty baby-bottle in knapsack.
Rodney
I just don't believe this.
We'll all end up in nick!
Albert
Not me, Rodney, I'm an old
man.
Albert now approaches Del and Myles, shaking the baby-
bottle as if shaking off water drops.
Del
(To Myles)
So we'd rotate them as
well. Ah, here it is.
Albert
(To Myles)
Is that alright, son?
Myles
That's wonderful, thank
you so much. I'll get that
off to the laboratory this
afternoon.
(Places bottle
in pocket)
Now - beans and carrots.
Del
Eh?
Myles
We were discussing the
growing of beans and
carrots.
Del
Oh that? Na, don't worry
about that. I've gone off
the idea of growing
vegetables now. Come on,
let's go an' get a drink.
Come on, Albert.
Del walks off towards the green Capri, his scam having
worked and no longer having any interest whatsoever in
the allotment. He leaves behind a slightly bewildered
Myles and a deeply embarrassed Rodney.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/KITCHEN.
The lounge and kitchen have been transformed into a
bottling plant. We see cardboard boxes bearing the name
and logo of 'the Peckham Spring'. There are piles of
sticky-back Peckham Spring labels. Del is in the
kitchen filling bottles straight from the tap (with the
aid of a funnel). He hands the bottles to Rodney who
takes them to Raquel who puts the tops on them and
Albert then puts them into boxes.
Rodney
I think it's a miracle.
Del
It's a miracle alright,
Rodney. It's dear old mum
smiling down on us and
making sure her little
boys don't starve.
Rodney
No, I mean I think it's a
miracle we've been doing
this for three weeks now
and we're not banged up
in nick.
Del
The reason we're not
banged up is because we're
not doing anything
illegal.
Rodney
Not doing anything ill...
we're selling public
water to the public!
Del
That's where you're wrong,
Rodders. This stuff used
to belong to the public
but Maggie privatised it.
It now belongs to a board
of directors and a load of
investors. They sell it to
us, we sell it on. All
we're doing is repackaging
it. It's like Esso buys
oil from Kuwait and
repackages it as petrol.
Is that illegal?
Rodney
They could have us under
the trade descriptions act.
You call it Peckham Spring
but it's not a spring.
Del
Sainsbury's sell French
beans but do they come from
France?
Rodney
Alright, what about this
claim on the label: 'From
an ancient and natural
source'?
Del
Yeah, the Thames. You can't
get more ancient and
natural than that! We've
got a certificate from the
SWANS committee to prove
that this is the finest
water they've ever
analyzed.
Rodney
Yes, because what they
analyzed wasn't this. It
was Malvern or Buxton
water.
Del
Oh shuddup splitting hairs!
Over the last fortnight
Peckham Spring has becomes
Myles' biggest seller. He's
doubled his order twice
now. Just go and see how
Raquel's getting on!
Rodney carries a few bottles in for Raquel to pack.
Rodney
(To Raquel)
I'm surprised you'd be a
party to all this.
Raquel
I'm doing it purely for the
man I love, Rodney. I'll
claim a crime of passion -
or insanity. Anyway, I
haven't noticed you turning
any of the money down,
Rodney.
Rodney
Raquel, I'm only tryin' to
make it easier on Del when
his case comes to court.
The less Del makes out of
this scam the lighter his
sentence will be. To you it
may look as if I'm sharing
the profits, but in my
heart I'm simply halving
the guilt.
Raquel
That is true brotherly love
and courage, Rodney.
Albert
If they didn't mean so much
to me I'd give you one of
my medals.
Del enters from kitchen.
Del
I think we all deserve a
little break.
Albert
Yeah, this water's making my
skin go funny.
Rodney
That's saying something from
an old sailor, innit?
The phone rings.
Del
(Answers)
Peckham Spring, PLC...
Myles, nice to hear from
you, son... mmmmh... really
... no?
Rodney
(Assumes they've
been caught)
Oh God!
Del
(On phone)
No, we can up production.
We are in a go position,
Myles, give us the word and
we will not be found
wanting... bonjour for now.
(Switches phone
off)
He's got meetings arranged
for next week. Some super-
market conglomerates are
showing an interest and a
chain of hotels and
restaurants are very keen.
Albert
We'll have to take on
extra staff.
Del
We'll cross that bridge
when we come to it, Unc.
Right, back to work, the
people of this wonderful
country are thirsty - God,
it makes me feel so proud!
I wouldn't be surprised
if the queen gave me an
award for this.
Rodney
About two and a half
years, I reckon.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
Cassandra lays in bed reading a magazine. Rodney enters
and prepares to get undressed.
Cassandra
I see Peckham Spring's
really selling well.
Rodney
(Every mention of
the word panics
him)
What d'you mean?
Cassandra
I had lunch at the local
wine bar today and they're
selling it. The waiter said
it was their most popular
brand. I must admit it has
got a taste of its own.
Rodney
(Quietly)
It's called fluoride.
Cassandra
Sorry?
Rodney
I say it's gotta be tried.
Cassandra
Oh yeah, everyone's buying
it. It's on trial.
Rodney
(Panic)
Trial? What d'you mean
trial? What trial?
Cassandra
Myles was saying a major
supermarket chain are
giving it a two week trial.
Rodney
Oh! Oh yeah, that's right.
Cassandra
You okay?
Rodney
Yeah, I'm fine.
Cassandra
Look, if you're still
worried about... well, just
remember what the doctor
said, don't be uptight.
Rodney
It's nothing to do with
that... Cass... if I tell
you a secret d'you promise
not to tell a soul.
Cassandra
(Hoping for
something juicy)
Cross my heart. Go on, what
is it?
Rodney
You know Peckham Spring?
Cassandra
Mmmh, what about it?
Rodney
It's... it's tap water.
Cassandra
Tap water?
Rodney
Yeah... it's tap water.
Cassandra
What d'you mean, 'tap
water'?
Rodney
Well... water from a tap.
Cassandra
From a tap? what tap?
Rodney
The one in Del's kitchen.
Cassandra
You are kidding, aren't you?
Tell me you're joking,
Roddy.
Rodney
No, really. He just puts a
bottle under the tap,
fills it up and sells it
for 45 pence.
Cassandra
Oh my God! Oh God help us!!
Rodney
It's alright, calm down,
it's nothing to do with
you.
Cassandra
Nothing to do with me?
Where do you think her got
the capital to buy all
those bottle and boxes and
equipment and the money to
pay daddy for printing his
labels?
Rodney
Well, I never really give
it that much... from you?
Rodney
And you gave it to him?
Cassandra
I'm in charge of small
business investment and
this seemed to be a small
business investment with a
future. I mean, someone
had discovered a natural
spring that had received a
certificate of purity from
Myles.
Rodney
And you believed Del?
Cassandra
No Roddy, I believed you!
Rodney
Yeah, well, Del said I
mustn't tell anyone. Why
didn't you tell me you'd
loaned him the money?
Cassandra
Because that is confiden-
tial information between
the bank and its client!
Rodney
Well, now you know. What
are you gonna do?
Cassandra
I've got no choice, Roddy.
I'm going to have to keep
quiet about it.
Rodney
Really?
Cassandra
Well, I just crossed my
heart and promised you I
wouldn't tell a soul. And
if I was to tell the bank
I'd most probably lose my
promotion - and I don't
really fancy driving out
to Wormwood Scrubs every
Sunday to see my
husband... on the other
hand is selling water
illegal? I was charged 20
pence last week in a
garage just to fill my
radiator up... Del's kept
up all the repayments -
and you're earning lots
of money out of it.
Rodney
I've never been so well
off. But you see, Cass,
there are geological
aspects coming into play.
We are taking thousands
and thousands of gallons
every week. The water
board have got workmen
on the estate, they think
they've got a major
underground leak! Here we
are in the middle of
winter and the local
papers are issuing
drought warnings. So
people are going out and
panic-buying Peckham
bloody spring! Which
means we've got to take
more water to stay up
with the demand.
Cassandra is now rubbing his neck to relax him.
Cassandra
(Whispering in
his ear)
Ssshhhh.
Rodney
And to top it all some
prat's advised him to
advertise on local radio.
Cassandra turns away sheepishly.
Rodney
No. You? Why?
Cassandra
Del's my client, Roddy.
It's my job to advise him.
Rodney
But you're not dealing with
a normal person. This is
Derek Trotter! Don't you
understand, he's sucking
the land dry. I'm worried
we're going to get a visit
from Bob Geldof and Lenny
Henry any minute!
INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
Raquel, Cassandra, Albert and Rodney are seated at
table. Boycie and Marlene are also at the bar.
Boycie
I've always believed in
powdered rhino horn.
Marlene breaks away to speak to Raquel.
Marlene
(To Raquel)
I was ever so happy to hear
your good news. It must be
lovely to suddenly come
into money after all these
years.
Raquel
Well, we're enjoying it.
Marlene
I bet you are. You can come
to my coffee morning now.
Raquel
Thanks.
Marlene
I'll see you in a minute,
I'm bursting.
Marlene exits frame.
Raquel
(Seething)
You're not the only one.
Cassandra
(To Raquel)
It'll be a garden party
next.
We cut to bar where Rodney is just about to take
another round of drinks to the table.
Boycie I hear business is booming, Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, couldn't be better.
The old Peckham Spring is
selling hand over foot.
Boycie
I just find it hard to
believe that someone with
Del Boy's attitude could
suddenly become so
professional in his
business approach.
Rodney
He's just never had the
chance to prove it before,
that's all. I mean, if he
hadn't cleared that
allotment up so well he'd
have never discovered the
spring in the first place.
Mike
What made him clear it up?
I mean, I've never seen
Del as an Alan Titmarsh. A
tit, maybe...
Rodney
During our lifetime, Mike,
we all go through many
changes. Del suddenly
became very ecologically
aware, aware of the damage
we were doing to mother
earth.
Mike
Yeah, and I suppose that
summons from the council
made him even more
ecologically aware.
Rodney
Erm, well, it might have
helped. But at least he
brought in a firm of
experts to get rid of those
drums of chemicals.
Boycie
A team of experts? How long
have Denzil and Trigger
been experts??
Rodney
(This is news)
Denzil and Tri... he told
me he used specialists!
Boycie and Mike laugh.
Rodney
(Now on the
defence)
On the other hand, Trigger
could be considered to be
a specialist.
Mike
Trigger still ain't sure
what end of the dart to
throw!
Rodney
I mean, he works for the
council so he could
dispose of them drums at
the environmental waste
unit.
Boycie
According to Denzil they
chucked 'em in a pond!
Rodney
(Horrified)
In a pond? They threw 'em
in a pond? You wait till
I see, Del!
Rodney moves to table.
Boycie
What d'you reckon to all
this Peckham Spring lark,
Mike? Knowing Del I
wouldn't be surprised if
it ain't coming out of a
tap.
Del appears at bar.
Del
Michael, my usual, one for
your good self and whatever
Boycie's having.
Boycie
Cheers, Del Boy. I've been
hearing so much about your
success. Couldn't have
happened to a nicer fella.
Mike
That's what I keep saying.
Del
And me.
Boycie
I hear expansion is on the
cards?
Del
You wouldn't believe, Boyce.
Looks like we've gotta get a
couple of extra delivery
vans.
Boycie
Cost money, Del.
Del
I'll get a loan from
Cassandra and the bank,
won't I?
Mike
Yeah, but you've gotta pay
interest, ain't you?
Boycie
And I've heard the interest
rate's going up.
Mike
So have I.
Boycie
Plus, everything that goes
through the bank is
recorded on computers and
may come to the attention
of our hard working
friends at customs and
excise. What you need is a
silent partner. Someone
who's willing to put, say,
five grand in for a small
annual dividend - three
percent at a guess. No
questions asked.
Del
What a good idea. Someone
who'll put in ten grand
for a three percent
dividend.
Boycie
Ten gr... alright, Del,
I'll take a flyer on that
one.
Del
You're in, Boyce.
Mike
Well, if the traps are
open I'll take the five
grands worth.
Del
One and a half percent
annual?
Mike
Do me.
Del
Cushty! And, of course,
silent partners keep their
mouths shut, don't they?
They all spit on palms and smack hands to seal the
arrangement.
Mike
Tell you what, why don't
we toast the deal with
Peckham Spring?
Del
Na, let's have something
else.
We cut away to table.
Cassandra
In a pond?
Rodney
That's what Boycie said!
You wait till he gets back
to the table.
Cassandra
No, Roddy, no arguments
tonight, please... I want
this to be a nice
celebration - it's the
first time we've all been
happy for ages.
Rodney
Yeah, alright I'll have him
tomorrow.
Del arrives back.
Del
First thing in the morning,
Rodders, we'll go down to
the allotment and clear all
the rubbish out of the
shed. I mean, what do we
need with Bros LPs and
Rumanian Rheisling.
Raquel
Or them wigs.
Del
(Laughing)
Those wigs! I don't know
why I ever bought them.
Albert
A wig saved my life once.
Del
We'll take it out and dump
it all somewhere.
Rodney
Yeah, so long as it's not
in a pond, eh, Del?
Del
(Innocence)
A pond? What's he on about?
Cassandra
Don't know.
Marlene
How could a wig save your
life?
Boycie
You've got a mouth and a
half on you, Marlene!
Marlene
Well, I'm interested.
Boycie
It's bound to be something
that happened 'during the
war.'
Marlene
It might not have happened
during the war!
Albert
During the war...
(Del and Boycie
move away)
...during the war I was on
a corvette out in the
Pacific fighting the Japs.
Now, my old skipper,
Captain Kenworthy, he used
to wear a wig. You
couldn't tell though -
except in rough seas when
it used to slide to one
side. Anyway, one day we
were attacked by a
kamikaze pilot. He came
zooming in towards us - I
remember saying to the
skipper, 'the way he's
carrying on he'll kill
himself'. Anyway, he's
crashed right into us. So
there we were, nine of us
and the skipper marooned
at sea with our lifeboats
smashed to pieces.
Mike
Wait a minute, you're not
tryin' to tell us that
ten of you got on the
captain's wig?
Albert
Don't be facetious, Michael,
I'm talking about heroes.
Mike
Oops, sorry!
Albert
Finally we got washed up
on this island where the
natives had never seen a
white man before. They
were waggling their spears
and looking very angry.
Then Captain Kenworthy
said, leave this to me
lads. He stepped forward,
brave as a lion, and
whipped his wig off. You
should have seen their
faces. See, the skipper
knew they'd never seen a
wig before.
Marlene
So what did they do? Make
him a God?
Albert
No, they killed him. They
wanted the wig, see,
thought it had magic
powers. So they all ran
off to have a ceremony
and we had it away on our
toes. Got picked up by an
Australian frigate.
Rodney
Well, we're off home now.
General goodbyes. Rodney and Cassandra pause before
leaving.
Cassandra
Roddy. D'you remember we
said that when we could
afford it we'd have a
weekend away somewhere?
Rodney
Yeah.
Cassandra
Well, we can afford it now,
can't we? So why don't we
go? Tomorrow night. Just us
two.
Rodney
All alone.
Cassandra
You and me in a lovely
hotel over-looking the sea.
Rodney
With a king-size bed! You
can do a lot of rolling
round in a king-size bed.
Cassandra
Hmmm!
Del/Boycie/Mike
(Together)
Oysters.
Rodney
(Quietly)
Del, I won't be in tomorrow.
Del
Why?
Rodney
Tomorrow night me and Cass
are gonna go down to the
seaside - just to be on
our own for a while. You
don't mind?
Del
Course not, bruv.
(Now a wonderful
idea)
I tell you what. We'll come
with you. Raquel, fancy a
weekend by the sea?
Raquel
Take me home, I'll pack the
bags!
A look is shared between Rodney and Raquel. Rodney
crosses to Cassandra.
Del
(OOV)
This calls for a celebration.
Boycie
(OOV)
Definitely.
Raquel
(OOV)
Not another celebration.
Mike
(OOV)
Why not? This is my
living.
Rodney
(To Cassandra)
Guess what?
See Cassandra's reaction.
EXT. NIGHT. THE M23.
We see signpost to 'Brighton'. The green Capri passes
with Del driving, Rodney in front passenger seat,
Raquel and Cassandra in back seat with Damien between
them strapped in a baby chair. (Or it could be
funnier if Raquel was in passenger seat and Rodney
was scrunched up in back seat with Cassandra and
Damien who is eating a wagon wheel.)
Music over: The Beatles 'Money'
EXT. NIGHT.THE GRAND HOTEL, BRIGHTON.
The Capri pulls into parkway amongst a Roller and a
couple of Mercs. Music continues over. The Trotters
alight and the doorman takes their luggage from boot
(Del's leopard-skin suitcase, etc). Del hands a
twenty pound note to the valet who opens the car
door for him. Del goes round to the front entrance.
He peels a twenty pound note from a massive wad he
is holding and hands it to doorman.
INT. NIGHT. THE FOYER. GRAND HOTEL.
Music continues over. We see the Trotters enter,
Raquel carrying Damien who is holding his plastic
pig toy. Rodney, Cassandra and Raquel are feeling a
little queasy about Del's ostentatious display.
They approach the reception desk.
Del tucks a twenty pound note under the bellboy's
lapel. Bellboy exits. See Raquel's reaction.
See Rodney and Cassandra's reaction. Del fills in the
registration form. Damien's toy flies into shot and
hits the receptionist. We see Del's reaction.
We see Damien's face. We see Rodney and Cassandra's
reaction. Del hands the card to the receptionist.
Receptionist asks how he'll pay. Del produces a wad
of notes. We see Cassandra's reaction. we see
Rodney's reaction. We see the Trotters and several
members of staff carrying their cases start to go
up the stairs. Del appears on the balcony.
INT. NIGHT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
Music stops. This is an hour or so later. On table
stands the half finished silver platter of light
refreshments including a bottle of Peckham Spring.
Raquel is laid out on the bed, a glass of champagne
in hand. Del saunters round the room, taking in and
enjoying every item of his new found luxury.
Del
Another glass of champagne,
sweetheart?
Raquel
Oh, I think you could
persuade me.
Del
(Refills her
glass)
This is in our blood, innit,
darling?
Raquel
well the champagne certain-
ly is.
Del
No, I mean this lifestyle.
I always promised you this
kind of life. Didn't I
always promise you this
kind of life?
Raquel
Yes, you did. And I'm
gonna make the most of it
before they put you in
prison.
Del
Raquel, they can't put me
in prison. You've gotta do
something illegal to go to
prison. I am merely
selling a very popular
product. Look, even the
finest hotels in the world
are buying Peckham Spring.
No, we're on a winner.
This is just the
beginning.
(To Damien)
You won't know any other
life, will you, champ?
You'll grow up with
Mercedes, Cecil Gee suits,
Lanzarotte. You'll take it
all in your stride. And
good luck to you.
Raquel
I think it's time I put
him down.
Del
Yeah. I'll go an' see how
Rodney's doing.
He moves towards connecting door.
Raquel
Leave 'em alone. They're...
well, they're trying to
sort their lives out.
Del
But it's nine o'clock.
We're in Brighton. Blimey,
they should show some more
decorum!
Del exits through connecting door.
INT. NIGHT. AMBASSADOR SUITE.
The TV is on and we can hear a news report. Rodney is
wearing his pyjama top and is just tying the cord on
pyjama trousers as Del enters through connecting door.
Del
Oi up!
Rodney turns away in embarrassment.
Rodney
What are you doing?
Del
I just popped in to see how
are you are. Don't get
embarrassed, you've got
nothing in there to
frighten me.
Rodney
Why have we got an inter-
connecting door?
Del
Ah, that was my idea. I
asked for that so that we
could all mingle like a
family - that's what
families do.
Rodney
I know, but you're pop-
ping in and out like a gas
meter reader.
Del
Oh shuddup, you tart.
Where's Cassandra?
Rodney
She went in the bathroom
about half an hour ago.
Del
(Worried)
Them sandwiches were
alright, weren't they?
Rodney
Yes. She's gone to... you
know, slip into something.
Del
Half an hour? What's she
slipped into, a coma?
Rodney
No. She's...
(Mimes spraying
perfume)
... and what 'ave you.
Del
You'll be alright, bruv.
The sea air does
something to a woman.
Rodney
Yeah?
Del
Yeah. I remember a bird I
had years ago, Gloria
something or another. Cold
woman, she could freeze
for Birdseye. Then one
weekend I took her to a
caravan site in Herne Bay
- she become a wild thing.
It went from Mary Poppins
to Debbie Does Dallas
before the lids come off
the take away. It's the
ozones, makes them all
sensual... d'you want any
Brut?
Rodney
No.
Del
You'll be alright, bruv.
Just relax, okay? Don't
be taut and rigid - well
not all of you, anyway.
Rodney
Will you just get out of
here... and don't you
listen!
Del
And don't you make any
noise, Damien's asleep in
there. See you in the
morning.
Del exits.
INT. NIGHT. PRISEDENTIAL SUITE.
Del enters from Rodney's room. Raquel is not in room.
Del goes over to the sleeping Damien.
Del
That's it, babe, you have a
lovely dreams. Dream about
Christmas and about all the
lovely presents Santa Claus
is gonna bring you - 'cos a
little baby like you has
gotta be right at the top
of his VIP list. When I was
a little ankle-biter like
you all I had for Christmas
was an orange and a clump
round the earhole. Still,
the orange was nice... I
wish I knew what you was
dreaming... still, long as
it's a lovely one... and
I'm in it.
The door from bathroom opens and we see Raquel wearing
a long, silk night dress. Del tries hard to control
his feelings of excitement.
Del
Raquel!
He moves towards her.
Del
You look... you look really
nice, Raquel.
Raquel
Thank you.
Del hands her glass of champagne. They look at each
other for this moment.
Del
I love you.
Raquel
I love you, Trotter.
Del now takes off his braces with great urgency.
Del
(With a 'let's get
at it' attitude)
Right!
Del goes to side of bed, leaving a slightly disap-
pointed Raquel.
INT. NIGHT. AMBASSADOR SUITE.
A now very relaxed Rodney is seated on the bed wearing
a towelling dressing gown, watching the news on TV. We
almost repeat the previous scene. The bathroom door
opens and Cassandra appears wearing a very expensive
and slinky nightdress.
Cassandra
Sorry I've been so long.
He stands. They move towards each other.
Rodney
They say the best things take time.
They kiss and then fall onto bed. As they kiss we hear
the newscaster on TV. Rodney and Cassandra are so
engrossed in each other they hear none of this
broadcast.
Newsreader
(OOV)
And a late news item. The
London Borough of Peckham
is tonight without water
after a local reservoir was
found to be contaminated by
an unknown chemical.
Cut to TV. We see news film of frogmen in a reservoir
and a crane hauling one of the drums from Del's
allotment, the logo clearly showing. The drum is
spilling yellow liquid into the water.
Newscaster
(Continues over
film)
The drum of chemicals,
which is still to be
identified, was discovered
late this afternoon and
appears to have been dumped
in the reservoir up to a
month ago. A spokesperson
for the Peckham water board
has emphasised that the
cutting of water supplies
is purely a precautionary
measure and there is no
need for alarm.
Cassandra, who hasn't heard a word of this, switches
TV off by remote control.
INT. NIGHT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE.
The lights are low. Del and Raquel lay in bed looking
at each other.
Del
Everything's coming up roses
for us, innit, sweetheart?
Raquel
Getting better every day.
Del
And it's all thanks to the
Peckham Spring. You know,
I wouldn't mind betting
that this time next week my
name'll be in all the
papers.
Del switches the bedside lamp off. The room is now in
darkness except for a strange eerie green glow from
the bottle of Peckham Spring.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.