Only Fools And Horses

Mother Nature's Son

INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. This, as we shall soon discover, is a dream sequence, although the audience should not be aware of this. The greatest party in the world is taking place in the Nag's Head pub (Could even be a Christmas party - Christmas tree, cards, decorations, etc). Everyone is there. 'Merry Christmas' by Slade is playing loudly. There is so much food, so much booze, so much fun, so much love that everyone in the country should wish they were at this wonderful party. Everyone is smiling, you can hardly see what's happening for glinting teeth. Some people are behaving uncharacteristically. Boycie and Marlene are jiving, Rodney and Cassandra are smooching and kissing quite passionately. At this point Raquel is holding the twenty-two-month-old Damien who wears a T-shirt with his name emblazoned across the front and is holding a helium inflated balloon. With hand-held camera we mingle through the happy crowd. A happy Raquel hands the baby to Del whilst she refills her glass with champagne. Del dances with Damien for a while until, surprisingly, Rodney opens his arms wishing to take Damien. Del hands Damien to Rodney and Rodney continues the dance. Rodney behaves in a very affectionate uncle way to Damien, tickling the child and making him laugh as he dances round the room. Now Rodney comes to the mirror on wall, he looks in mirror and is mystified. We now see from Rodney's POV that Damien is missing from the reflection - it is simply Rodney, with his arm in the pose of holding the child, and a disembodied balloon floating in the air. Away from mirror, Rodney double checks and we see he is still holding Damien. He looks back at mirror and again Damien is missing. Rodney is totally horrified, and opens his mouth to let out a cry. INT. NIGHT.RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. Rodney and Cassandra are in bed. Cassandra is fast asleep. From the dream/nightmare Rodney lets out a cry of alarm, there are beads of sweat on his brow. He wakes from the nightmare and sucks in air in rapid breaths. He checks radio/alarm clock. It stands at 6.59am. Rodney (Deeply depressed) Oh, God! Not another day! Rodney lays for awhile, calms himself and regains some of his lost composure. The radio/alarm clock now switches to 7.00am and 'Merry Christmas' by Slade begins playing from radio-alarm. Rodney switches it off quickly. Cassandra (Without opening her eyes) (Mumbles) What's the time? Rodney It's time for us to emigrate or at least discuss the advantages of a suicide pact. Cassandra And how are we feeling this morning? Rodney Great! How else could I feel? I'm thirty one years of age and I work for Trotter's Independent Traders. Cassandra There are lots of people who'd give their right arm to be in your position. Rodney I know, but they're all tucked up safe and sound in their padded-cells. Cassandra Well, at least you seem a bit more cheerful than yesterday. Rodney You should come round to Trotter Towers with me one morning, Cass. It would give Terry Waite the shakes. You can't move for teething rings and Farley rusks and funny smells. It's like nightmare on Sesame Street. Raquel's got post-natal depression, Albert's got post-naval depression and Damien keeps chucking toys at my head. Cassandra Oh you big baby, they're only fluffy dolls. Rodney I know, but Del's bought him a Tonka toy for Christmas. Cassandra How is Del now? Rodney Still putting on a brave face. Laughing and joking his way all the time. He's worrying the life out of me. We haven't bought or sold a thing in months and there he is running round like Ken Dodd on ecstasy. And there's something else bothering him. I've see it in his eyes before. It's either when he's bottling up some terrible secret or he's had a really iffy pork pie... oh, maybe it's just the recession. We're broke and he won't admit it. Cassandra There are a lot of people in the same boat. Rodney You're doing alright. Cassandra And what does that mean? Rodney Well, you've just been promoted at the bank. Don't get me wrong, you worked hard for it and I'm proud of you. What I mean is, you've succeeded, you've made it to the top. Cassandra I'm in charge of small business investment at our Peckham branch, it's hardly the House of Elliot, is it? Rodney At least you've done some- thing. I'm just me. Cassandra (Kisses him on cheek) You'll do for me, big boy. Rodney seems concerned at this potential sexual advance. Rodney I'd better make the coffee. Cassandra No, stay here awhile. You know what I'd like to do? Rodney (Worried) No. Cassandra I'd like us to go away for a weekend. Just you and me, somewhere really nice. I know we can't afford it at the moment, but I get a bonus at the end of the year, so maybe then, eh? Rodney (A tiny glimmer of hope) Yeah? She kisses him. Rodney I'm sorry, Cass. I've been feeling down - a bit pressurised. That's why I've been, you know... a bit lacking in certain areas recently. Cassandra (Massages his neck) I understand. That's why I want us to go away, so you can relax. Is that nice? Rodney (Enjoying the massage) Yeah, that's really good. The bedside phone rings loudly. Rodney (Panicked) Don't answer it! Cassandra Why not? Rodney It'll be Del! Cassandra How d'you know? Rodney It's his ring. Cassandra It's seven in the morning! Rodney That doesn't bother him. Sleep is for wimps, remember? Cassandra It might be mummy! For all we know she could be ill! Rodney still don't answer it! Cassandra Don't be ridiculous! (Answers phone) Hello? Morning, Del. Rodney (Whispers) I left five minutes ago. Cassandra (On phone) No, he left about five minutes ago... mmh... yeah ... I know he's your brother... well, I know that Rodney's worried about you as well... (Now angrily) Look, it happens to a lot of men when they're under stress! Rodney (Under his embarrassed breath) Jeez! I don't believe him! Cassandra (On phone) ... Well aren't you the lucky one!... (Shocked) That's private and personal ... Have I got a what? No I haven't and I wouldn't know where to get one! Rodney (Shouts) Tell him to mind his own bloody business! Rodney reacts as he realises he's been heard. Cassandra (On phone) Oh, Roddy's just popped back! Rodney (Quietly) No I haven't! Cassandra (On phone) Oh, he's left again! Yeah, thanks a lot, Del. Bonj... (Corrects herself) Bye. Cassandra replaces the receiver. Rodney and Cassandra look at each other. Rodney Toast and marmalade? INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. It is 7.00 in the morning. The dirty breakfast crockery, etc, is still on the dining table. Next to table, seated in his high chair and still wearing his jim-jams, is Damien, eating toast and jam. His high-chair tray is littered with soft vinyl toys which he often hurls to the ground or at Rodney or Albert's head. As the scene progresses, due to Damien's uncanny accuracy, Rodney and Albert get whacked on the head by one or two of Damien's toys but they are so accustomed to this they never react. Rodney is seated at table reading one of Damien's Mr Men books. Albert is having a snooze in the armchair. We cut away to Rodney whereupon a green vinyl toy elephant hits him squarely on the back of the head. Rodney takes absolutely no notice - it's as if it hasn't happened. Raquel enters from bedrooms area carrying a basket of washing. Rodney hides the Mr Man book and starts reading the Independent. Raquel Any tea in the pot, Rodney? Rodney feels tea pot but more interested in newspaper article. Rodney Yeah, plenty. Rodney makes no effort to pour her a cup. Raquel Oh good. Raquel awaits - or hopes - for an offer. It is not forthcoming. Raquel (Sarcastically) Would you like me to pour you a cup, Rodney? Rodney (Considers offer) Erm... na, I had breakfast earlier. Anyway, don't you worry about me, Raquel, you've got enough on your hands. Raquel Thank you. Raquel picks up the green elephant and places it back on Damien's tray. Raquel There you are, darling. Raquel exits to kitchen. Slight pause. The green elephant whacks Rodney on the head again. Rodney continues reading newspaper without a blink of an eye. We see the morning mail (One single brown envelope) drop through the letter box. Rodney collects the mail and then places green elephant back on Damien's tray. He now switches radio on which is playing 'Crocodile Rock' by Elton John. The radio wakes Albert. Albert Is that the radio? Rodney No, Elton John popped in, he's rehearsing in the kitchen. It's eight bells in the morning, Albert - what are you doing asleep? Albert (Referring to Damien) That little sod had me awake half the night. Raquel has entered at this point to clear some stuff from the table. Raquel He's teething, Albert. Can't you remember when you had teeth? Rodney He can't remember when he had gums! Raquel exits to kitchen. Albert Any tea in the pot, Rodney? Rodney No, it's empty. Albert Call that music? It's a bloody racket. That's all you youngsters are interested in, noise, noise, noise! Rodney Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert? Albert When I was your age I was fighting a war! Rodney Well, you must have made more bloody noise than me, then, mustn't you? With a sneer Albert picks up the Daily Mirror and starts reading. A pink, vinyl toy pig hits Albert firmly in the back of the head. He takes absolutely no notice. Del enters from bedroom, all fresh and wearing his Gordon Gekko gear. He switches radio off and then ruffles Damien's hair. Del Wotchyer, soldier. You're a cracker. Can't imagine what this flat would be like without Damien, can you Rodders? Rodney No... little devil. Del You alright, Rodney? Rodney Yeah, t'riffic. Del No, I mean, are you alright, Rodney? Del nods head in that 'you know what I mean' manner. Rodney (Quietly seething) Yes! Everything's alright! Raquel has entered with the baby's breakfast (a bowl of mushy Weetabix). Raquel Why, what's wrong then? Del Nothing, sweetheart! Everything’s cushty between Rodney and Cassandra, ain't it, Rodders? Just a bit of stress, that's all. Can happen to any man, I've just been lucky. Do us a bit of breakfast, sweetheart. Raquel Do you a...! Don't you think I've got enough to do? I've got the baby to feed and clean, I've got the old man of the sea there moaning 'cos his egg was runny, I've got washing and ironing to do, beds to make and hoovering to do. And I finish all that just in time to cook dinner! Do it yourself, Trotter! Albert, you can feed the baby. Raquel hands Albert the bowl and spoon. Raquel exits to bedrooms area. Del I don't know what's wrong with her. I keep asking but she won't tell me. Del exits to kitchen followed by Rodney. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' KITCHEN/LOUNGE. Del and Rodney enter. During speech Del takes bacon from fridge, etc. Del What more does she want? I mean, she's got a nice home, a lovely little baby, and she couldn't ask for a better bloke than me, could she? Rodney No. Del But is she happy? No she is not. I mean, I'm down that casino nearly every night till the early hours of the morning tryin' to win us a few bob. She should see how much I owe 'em then she might realise how hard I've been trying. But she don't seem to appreciate a thing these days. Rodney Del, maybe it is 'these days' that's getting her down. None of us have got any money, there's nothing for her to look forward to. Just a daily round of washing and ironing and toil and boredom. Del Well, we've all gotta take the rough with the smooth, ain't we? And I tell you one thing, bruv, it's gonna get a lot rougher before the year's out. Rodney Righto, Derek, let's have it out in the open. I want the truth this time. Some- thing's happening and I've got a right to know. Del No, everything's alright, Rodders, I mean, we got no money and no business and our future's about as bright as a Yugoslavian tour operator's, but other than that everything's cushty. Rodney No, there's something else, Del. I noticed a little while ago, you've lost that kind of - zip. The old Derek Trotter could smell a fiver in a force nine gale. They used to say if Del Boy fell into a viper's pit he'd come out wearing snakeskin shoes. But you seem to have lost something. It's like you're carrying some burden. Maybe that's affecting Raquel, it's certainly affecting me. Del (Indicates Rodney's groin) Oi, I ain't taking the blame for that thing! Rodney Shuddup! Now if you don't tell me what it is I'll... well, I don't know what I'll do. I just think it's fair I should know. Del Yeah, you're right, Rodders. I could never hide anything from you could I? D'you remember a couple of years ago I applied to the council to buy this flat? Then they ummmed and aahed about it. Rodney I thought they laughed. Del That was the first time. I applied again after that. What with the local elections and strike, everything got held up. Well, I sort of forgot about it. A couple of days ago, right out the blue, the papers finally come through. I own this flat. Rodney Bloody 'ell! Del I've worked it out - the mortgage repayments are two and a half times the rent - and I can't afford that! Rodney And that's what's upset Raquel? Del No, I ain't told her about it yet. Guess what else comes with the flat? D'you remember Grandad's old allotment? Rodney Not that? Del Yeah? No-one's been even near it for yonks. In the last thirty years more people have walked on the moon than that allotment. What the hell do I want with an allotment? It's just my luck, innit? I feel like a mosquito who's caught malaria. Albert now enters, holding bowl and spoon. His beard is covered with the mushy Weetabix. Albert Little sod threw his break- fast all over me! Del (Revolted) Oh my God. Gis the spoon, I'll feed him. Albert Raquel's taken him to have a nap. Del It puts you right off. Rodney There's nothing worse than Weetabix in a beard, is there? Del and Rodney exit to lounge. Del re-enters kitchen with sauce bottle. Albert is eating the sandwich. Del (To Albert) Sauce? Del goes into lounge. Del It's all going down the tube, Rodney. I've gotta get some money from somewhere, bruv. It's getting on top of me. I can feel myself cracking. Rodney Listen to me. There was this guy I used to know a few years back at my evening school. He reminded me of you in many ways. He was a really bright, dynamic, go ahead sort of guy - but like I say, in other ways he reminded me of you. He was the kind who'd take a gamble, wasn't frightened of living on the edge. Well, a couple of years back he found the thing you've always been looking for - a gap in the market. Del A gap in a warehouse door'd suit me at the moment. Rodney Myles was a bit of a friend of the earth. Del Myles? Rodney He liked all that natural food, even grew his own vegetables. Del Well, he certainly sounds the dynamic type. Rodney Don't put it down, it's a massive market, Del, more and more people are turning to health foods for, well, for their health. Anyway, what Myles noticed was; if he wanted to buy a bag of natural fertiliser he had to go to a specialist garden centre or smallholding. Then, if he wanted some organic vegetables he had to go to a health food shop. So he came up with the idea of combining the two entities. One centre where you can buy all your organic fertilizers and your health foods. He now owns four of these places and he's opening a new one next month in Maidenhead. In two and a half years he's become a millionaire! Del A millionaire? Rodney At least. Del is now waiting for the sting. What's in for us Trotters? Del (Optimism and greed) And? Rodney And what? Del Where do we come into it? Rodney Oh. Well, me and Cassy shop there sometimes, she likes all that organic food. Del Yes, I know that! What I'm saying is; what's in it for us? Rodney Well... nothing. Del Nothing? Rodney No. Del So what d'you tell me for? Rodney I was trying to point out that even in these dark days of recession some people are doing well. Del Oh I see! It was just a nice little story? The parable of the lucky git! Yes, well, that has cheered me right up. Oh, I've gotta tell Raquel. Del moves to door to bedrooms area. Del (Calls from door) Raquel, you've gotta come and hear Rodney's story about some mush who's doing really well. Made a couple of million apparently. It's warmed the cockles of my heart, it really has. Anyway, I'm just gonna punch Rodney on the nose then I'm off out. Rodney I wish I'd kept my mouth shut now! Raquel enters from bedrooms area. She is now smiling, it's a menacing driendliness. Raquel Where you going today - darling? Del (Fazed by her attitude) Em... I'm not sure at the moment. I'll mooch about, see if I can make us a bit of poppy. Raquel I've got a much better idea. Why don't you go down and clear up your allotment? Del Allotment? Raquel Mmmh. Raquel produces the brown envelope and takes paper from inside. Raquel (Cont'd) This arrived this morning from the council. It's a summons. Del Yeah? Raquel Mmmh. Apparently people have been dumping rubbish on your allotment! It's now considered to be and environmental health hazard. They're giving you two weeks to clear it up or you've got to appear in court! They even mention the possibility of a custodial sentence. Del Well. There's a thing, ain't it? Raquel Are you gonna tell me what the hell's happening or have I got to starve it out of you? Del Tch, this has spoiled the moment, sweetheart. I was gonna tell you all about it tonight. Raquel Tell me what? Del It'll be much better tonight. Raquel Now! Del Well... this flat. Raquel What about this flat? Del I've bought it! - it's ours! Raquel moves across to Rodney. Rodney nods. Raquel Oh, good! Del I'll get a couple of bottles of champagne, shall I? Raquel Not for me, Derek, I feel light-headed already. Del we own our own home now. This is all ours! We can do what we want with it. Raquel Like what? Add a conserv- atory or a nice patio? Del At least we got a roof over our heads. Raquel And fourteen other families! I'm gonna change the baby's nappy. Raquel exits to bedrooms area. Del (To Rodney) I think she's excited really - you know, inside. Rodney Yeah, you could tell. Del I think she was a bit choked. Rodney Well, who wouldn't be? Del I'll go and calm her down. Del exits to bedrooms area. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' FLAT.HALLWAY/BEDROOMS AREA. Raquel is taking a fresh nappy from a cupboard or some- where. Del enters from lounge. Del Look, sweetheart, I don't blame you for having the rats. The way things are it's enough to give Harry Seacombe the 'ump. But you know me, I'll bounce back, we'll soon have some cash on the hip again. Raquel Is that what you think this is all about, Del? Money? Del Well, what then? Raquel God! Haven't you noticed, Derek that I haven't been out of this flat for months? Del You go shopping three times a week. Raquel I'm not talking about shopping! I mean going out! There's another thing, Del. (Indicates Damien's room) Last year I decorated our baby's room. Del I know, and you made a blinding job of it. Raquel Thank you. You went out and got a piece of carpet. It didn't fit, but... Raquel gives a 'who cares' shrug. Del I'm still on the look-out. Raquel And our baby had his own little room. Warm, cosy, safe. Then three months ago you evicted Damien, moved him in with us and filled his lovely little room up with all your old junk! Del Old junk! That's not old junk. That's my stock. Raquel Your stock, old junk, same thing! Del Raquel, you seem to be for- getting what happened to the rest of my stock. Someone broke into the garage and nicked it. I had to bring the rest of it up here to protect it. Raquel Oh, Del, hasn't it dawned on you yet? All you have in that room is what the thieves left behind! How the hell do you hope to sell it when the burglars wouldn't take it for free? Raquel exits to Damien's room leaving Del pondering her words. INT. DAY. DAMIEN'S BEDROOM. The walls are covered in baby wallpaper but that is about the only sign that this was ever a baby's room. It is now a store room and full of cardboard boxes of various sizes and other bits of junk that Del has been unable to sell. One of the larger boxes has the words: 'Crowning Glory'. This contains the remainder of the wigs that Del bought in the final episode of series 7('Three Nem, A Woman and A Baby').Five or six other large boxes contain the remainder of the 'Romanian Rheisling' which Del sold to the church in 'Miami Twice' A few of the smaller boxes have printed across them: 'Video Classics' Hanging from the picture rail on one wall is a deep-sea divers suit complete with weighted boots and brass helmet. Del enters. From one box Raquel produces a Bros LP. Raquel A hundred and fifty Bros LPs! Del Fashions change so fast in the pop world, I was caught unawares. They could be back in fashion next month. From another box Raquel produces a 'Free Nelson Mandela' T-shirt. Raquel Two hundred and seventy five 'Free Nelson Mandela' T-shirts. Del I bought 'em on a Thursday evening and Saturday morning he was out on parole. I mean, how was I supposed to know? Raquel has opened another box and produced a few Charles and Di commemorative wedding plates and cups. Raquel Charles and Di wedding plates. Del Nothing that a good sorting out couldn't cure. She opens a small jewellery box which contains a man's chunky gold identity bracelet. Raquel A nine carat identity bracelet inscribed with name 'Gary'. We've got a boxful of men's wigs you bought before Damien was born! Fifty pirate versions of The Poseidon Adventure - all on Betamax! 200 litres of Romanian Rheisling. Raquel now gestures to the diver's suit but can find no words to say about it. Raquel Clear it out, Del. Dump it with the rest of the rubbish on your allotment! Just clear the room out and give it back to our baby. Del And what's to say tomorrow I won't find a buyer for all of this stuff? Raquel What are the chances of you bumping into a bald-headed, anti-apartheid, deep-sea diving Bros fan who has a betamax video recorder, likes Romanian Rheisling and whose name's Gary? Del Alright, I'll get shot of it all. Raquel That will cheer me up, Del. Really. I'll be a happy woman again. Promise. She exits. Del (To himself) Wait 'til you see our mortgage! Del looks around sadly at his only stock in the world. Del (A quiet prayer) Dear lord, please let me prove to you that wealth won't spoil me. Rodney and Albert enter. Rodney Raquel said we had to help you clear this room out. Del Yeah, I've decided to get rid of it, have a clean start. Rodney You're not dumping the wine, are you? Couldn't you sell it to Mike at the Nag's Head? Del No I couldn't, Rodney! He's a very good friend. Albert And he's tasted it. (Referring to diver's suit) What d'you buy that thing for? Del It was supposed to be a surprise present for you, so that you could go and have a look at all the ships you sailed on. ...No, I read in one of the colour supplements that diving was all the go with the yuppies. Rodney reacts. Rodney But they meant scub... Del Eh? Rodney Don't matter. Albert Seems a shame to throw it all away. Del I've got nowhere else to store it. I mean, the garage ain't safe anymore. Rodney What about Grandad's shed? Del What shed? Rodney The one on his allotment. Well, your allotment now. Del Yeah. I forgot he had a shed! We'll pug it away in there. Good thinking, Rodney. Come on then. You two bring all this stuff down and I'll go open the van door. Del exits. Rodney and Albert look at each other. EXT. DAY. THE ALLOTMENT. We see a large expanse of average to shabby council-run allotments. The three-wheeled van and the green Capri are parked close-by, both packed with boxes, etc, from Damien's room. We now zoom in to the allotments and find Del, standing in the furthest, most overgrown allotment of them all. At the back of the allotment we see a dilapidated old shed. Dumped in amongst the grass and weeds are parts of a car's engine, the rusted front wing of a car, few old wooden crates, piles of rocks and masonry and four large aging and rusting industrial drums(the sort of thing that could contain chemicals.) We find Del and Rodney standing in grass and weeds which reach almost up to their chins. Del appears stunned. Rodney Well, what d'you reckon then? Del What do I reckon? The last time I saw anything like this was in that film Gorillas in the mist. It's a jungle! Tod knows what lives in here. Albert suddenly appears from out of nowhere. Albert Del! Del (Jumps with fear) Gordon Bennett! Don't do that, Albert! You nearly gave me a connery then! (To Rodney) I could have sworn I saw the blowpipe and poison dart. Albert You seen all that rubbish that's been dumped over here? They move off. Del Dear oh dear. This is ruin- ing my shoes, you know. (Referring to the drums) Look at all this stuff. What're those drums doing here? Rodney Dunno, but they’re full. I wonder what's in 'em? One of the drums is lying on its side and some of the liquid has leaked out. It is a bright yellow liquid. Albert There's one open here. Some sort of yellow stuff. Rodney peers in and then reels away from the acrid odour. Rodney Blimey! Smell that! Del (Sniffs) What is that? Rodney I don't know, but it could be toxic. Del It could be bloody poisonous an' all! Rodney Yeah. Del wanders off towards the shed. He opens the shed door and surveys the inside. His eyes finally move to the shed floor. He sees something on the floor that revolts him. Del Eeuurgh, the dirty, rotten filth... Rodney! Del exits shed. Del I tell you what we'll do. Me and Albert'll get the gear from the van, Rodney, you clear the shed out. Rodney Righto. At this point we see Trigger approaching with his dust cart and broom. He wears a 'Peckham cleansing depart- ment' donkey jacket. Trigger Del boy, Dave. Del Alright, Trig? Don't fancy sweeping all this stuff up for us, do you? Trigger I'm not a road sweeper any- more. Rodney No? What are you now, a piano tuner? Trigger I'm an environmental hygienist. Albert And what do they do when they're at home? Trigger Well, sweep the roads. But the council have upgraded me. Albert (Referring to the spilt liquid) Perhaps Trigger knows what this is. It's his game, ain't it? Del Oh, Albert! Trigger can't find his way out of a telephone box. Albert He may have come across it on his rounds. Have a look, Trig. Trigger peers into one of the drums with the eye of an expert. Trigger It's some sort of yellow stuff. Del Bloody 'ell, you were right, Albert. He got it spot on. Rodney No hesitation either, was there? You've gotta get rid of this stuff and fast. This is the environmental health hazard the council are talking about. Del How d'you know? I mean look, there's a lot of old crap round here. Albert They're just rocks and lumps of metal. You can cut your finger or scratch your knee, but this stuff - who knows what it is. Del We'll pour it down the drain then. Rodney You can't pour it into the public sewers, it could be volatile, you could end up with sh - we could create a disaster area. I tell you one thing, Del Boy, either these things go away or you do! Del Where am I gonna get rid of them? Trigger There's a 24 hour waste disposal depot down Stamford Road. Drop 'em off down there. Del That's a good idea, Trig. We'll get these barrels in the back of the van, won't we, Rodney? Rodney No. Del Well how are we gonna get rid of them then? We now hear the blast of a van's horn. We see Denzil momentarily in his 'Transworld Courier Service' transit. Cut to see Del's reaction. Cut to Denzil driving along in his van. Denzil Oi! Del Boy! Back to our group. See idea form in Del's brain. Del/Albert/Rodney Denzil. EXT. NIGHT. THE ALLOTMENTS. Denzil's van is parked close by with the back doors open. Del, Trigger and Denzil, dressed in their everyday clothes, are studying the barrels. Denzil appears very dubious. Del (Cheerfully) Righto. Come on then, Denzil. Let's get these barrels on the back of your van, Denzil. Trig immediately takes hold of barrel and prepares to lift. Denzil Hey hang on, hang on, not so fast! What are these things? Trigger They're barrels! Denzil I can see they're barrels! I mean, what's in 'em? Del Nothing to worry about, just some gunge. Denzil Gunge? What sort of gunge? Del What d'you mean, what sort of gunge? Gunge is gunge, innit? Denzil No, it isn't! There's harmless gunge, the sort you can give kids for Christmas and they make models out of - and then there's killer gunge! One sniff and you're down the co-op collecting your divi's! Del This is not killer gunge! What sort of bloke d'you think I am? Denzil This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel! Del No, honest, it's not Concorde fuel, it's anti- freeze from the Starship Enterprise! Bloody Concorde fuel! (Moving to shed) It'll be battery acid for Thunderbird Three next! You wally! Look, d'you want the contract or not? I'm a busy man, I've got things to do. Del enters the shed which is dimly lit by a small gas lamp. Denzil How can you be certain this stuff isn't dangerous? Del (Emerges) Because it's not - and that's the truth! Del goes back inside shed. Trigger (To Denzil) There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth. Now, you get that end... Denzil (Cuts in) What d'you mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth? That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein! Trigger Del knows what he's talk- ing about! and I don't see what the Beatles manager's got to do with it anyway! Denzil Look, Trig... What? Trigger When we was at school Del Boy was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell home-made fireworks. He even blew the science lab up once. Denzil I remember, I was doing detention in there at the time! Trigger And you say he don't know what he's talking about! Del (OOV) Denzil, believe me it's harmless - and to prove it I'm gonna help you carry it. I can't say fairer than that, can I? Denzil unscrews the lid of one barrel and smells the contents. Denzil (Reacts to acidic smell) Jeez!! It doesn't smell harmless! Del (OOV - shed) Nor does my Uncle Albert but he wouldn't hurt a fly. Look, trust me, will you? I am your friend! You know it makes sense. Trigger They can't be dangerous, Denzil. Denzil But how do you know? Trigger Because Del has offered to help us carry 'em! Denzil Yeah, but... (Finally concedes the point) Yeah, okay, Trig, I suppose you've got a point. (Calls to shed) You gonna help us lift these barrels onto the van, then? Del (OOV - shed) Just coming. Del now exits from shed wearing the deep sea diver's suit (complete with brass helmet) we had seen earlier hanging in the lock-up. Denzil reacts to the vision. After a cursory glance, Trigger doesn't appear that surprised. Denzil just stares at Del. Del Come on, Denzil, we ain't got all night! They just stare at him. Del That's the way. Lovely Jubbly. EXT. NIGHT. COUNCIL TIP. The tip is protected by a chain-link fence and gates. A sign is revealed in the headlights of Denzil's van. Sign reads: 'Peckham Borough Council Environmental Waste Processing Plant.' The van - with Denzil driving, Trigger seated next to passenger door and Del (still wearing the full diver's uniform) seated in between them - pulls to a halt. We see that the gates are locked and the plant is closed and in complete darkness. Denzil It's closed! Trigger (Checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit? Del What d'you mean 'a bit late?' You said it was open twenty four hours a day! Trigger Yeah, but not at night! Denzil and Del look at each other. A man, out walking his dog, passes by in front of the van. We see his reaction as he spots a man in diver's suit sitting in the front of a transit van. Denzil So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of - something in the back of my van! Trigger We could take it to the other council place I used to work at! Del Is it open? Trigger No. Denzil (Screaming in frustration) Well, what's the point in taking it to your depot if that's not open either? Trigger It soon will be open - I've got a spare set of keys. (Produces bunch of keys) Denzil You sure it'll be alright? Del Who cares? Trigger Yeah, no problems. Back up, you're alright behind, Denzil. Denzil I mean, is it legal? Del Yes! Now back up, Denzil! I'm getting bloody hot in here. I don't see what the fascination is in this diving lark. EXT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK. We see the diver's suit laying on the passenger seat of Del's Capri. Del, Trigger and Denzil exit from pub. Del (To Denzil) Here you are then. Now ain't you glad you listened to me? These are austere times, Denzil, and if it hadn't been for my persuasion you'd have turned a contract down tonight. Denzil Yeah, I suppose you're right. Del No suppose about it. Right, that's fifty quid I owe you. Denzil You owe me? Del Yes! I'm not having you do this for me as a favour, no matter how much you'd like to. Denzil Yeah, but I thought... Del You can't persuade me, Denzil, so don't waste your breath. I'll see you for the money - and no argument! (To Trig, referring to Denzil) He'd do anything for anyone wouldn't he? Trigger That's what mates are all about, innit. Del Course it is. Gets you right there sometimes. Your name's in me book, Denzil, I won't forget tonight. Denzil Same here! Denzil and Trigger move towards Denzil's van. Del Thanks for everything, lads. See you Denzil. Denzil turns and raises his hand, the palm of which glows an eerie radio-active yellow. Denzil See you, Del. Del (Notices the glow. Calls to Trigger) See you, Trig. Trigger turns and raises his hand, the palm of which glows an eerie radioactive yellow. Trigger See you. Del is the only one to notice this. He is slightly bemused by the strange sight but just shrugs it off as an optical illusion. He climbs into Capri. EXT. DAY. THE GARDEN AND ORGANIC FOOD CENTRE. The sign above the centre's main doors reads: 'Nature's Way'. We see the van pull into the parking area. Rodney is driving, Del is reading the Financial Times and so doesn't realise where they are. Del What's this? Rodney Oh, d'you remember that bloke I told you about? Myles. Del (Jealousy showing) What, the one who's done really well, a millionaire in two and a half poxy years? Rodney Yeah. Well, this is one of his places. Del So what we doing here? Rodney has produced a small slip of paper. Rodney Well, Cassy asked me to pop in there and get a bit of shopping. Del Shopping? Rodney For dinner tonight. Del Oi! What's the point in getting married and then doing the bloody shopping yourself? No wonder you've got... problems. Rodney Oi! You just keep your nose out of my business! Alright? Del I tell you something. I bet I know what Cassandra's thinking when you're laying under the duvet at night. Rodney Yeah? Del I bet she's thinking, 'I wonder how many tangerines Rodney could get for a pound.' Rodney You keep on like that, Derek, and you'll be sorry! INT. DAY. NATURE'S WAY. To one side we see bags of natural fertilizers, peat and mulch, etc, plus gardening tools and equipment. To the other side lies the organic foods centre which is like a small self-service mart. The shelves are filled with pre-weighed and packed vegetables and fruit, etc. There is also a vast range of natural fruit and health drinks plus a massive display of mineral waters from Britain and the continent. Signs everywhere tell of the fresh, organic and natural emphasis of the establishment. Del and Rodney enter the food department with Rodney checking his shopping list. Del (Too loud for Rodney's liking) Cor, don't half pen and ink in here, dunnit? Rodney Ssshh! It's all the fertil- izers and manu... and other things. Every single item in here has been grown the way nature intended. Del Oh yeah? It must be nice for you and Cassandra to sit down to dinner knowing that everything on your plate was once under a pile of horseshit. Rodney I'll get my shopping then we'll be off. Del Oh good. Del follows Rodney around the store. Rodney places a bag of potatoes in his trolley. Del Look at the price of these spuds! Rodney You pay extra because they're organic. I tell you, there are no E120 additives in these foods. Del No E120's? Before you met Cassandra you thought an E120 was a bus. What's this, sprout tops? Twenty- eight pence a pound? Look at these carrots. I mean, it's... Rodney places two litres of mineral water in trolley. Del Sixty five pence for a bottle of water? Rodney Will you mind your own business! Del studies all the other brands of mineral water. Not being a regular shopper, he is astounded at the price labels. Del (Another bottle) Why don't you have this one then, it's only seventy-two pence a bottle... their money on nowadays? Rodney Yes, it's one of the few remaining growth industries. Del (A plan is obviously brewing) Is it really? Rodney's attention is drawn by the sound of Myles's voice. Myles Rodney! Rodney Myles! Del (To another customer) Black eye beans? We cut away to find Myles. Myles is 31 and an earnest person in a corduroy kind of way. He is a friend of the earth and a successful businessman - a cross between Richard Branson and David Bellamy. He wears a sports coat with leather elbow patches and sports a 'save the whales' badge. Myles can adopt a superior attitude with those he considers to be his inferiors. Rodney Hey, Myles, how you doing? Myles Pretty good. Yourself? Rodney Fine. Oh, by the way - Myles, this is my brother, Derek - Del, this is Myles. Del Nice to meet you, son. Myles (Barely looking at Del) You too. (Referring to his shop) So, what d'you think? Rodney In one word 'impressed'. Del In one word 'bloody expensive'. Myles Expensive? Del Look at the price of the spuds and carrots and your brussel sprout tops, twenty-eight pence a pound! Water, seventy-two pence a bottle. Myles That water happens to come from the most natural sources in Britain - and France and Switzerland and Italy, I might add. I'm a founder member of the SWANS committee. Del (Genuinely confused) SWANS? What, you mean the big white duck things? Myles looks to Rodney. Rodney No, Del. It's an acronym. Del Oh well, that's what I thought. I was just about to say that's an anacronym. You can bet your life. I'd have put money on it. Myles And you'd have been right. Del What d'you fee 'em on? Myles What do I feed what on? Del Your acronyms. Rodney No, no. It's not a duck or a goose or anything. An acronym is a word made up of the initials of another set of words. Del Oh that sort of acronym? Myles Gotta rush, Rodney. It's been, er... It's been real. Myles exits. Rodney Big bloody ducks! Del You what? Rodney SWANS are the initials of the Spa Water and Natural Springs committee and Myles is the vice- president... he's the one who hands out the certificates of purity. Without his signature none of these companies can sell their goods. I can't help but admire him. I tell you, that bloke is going places. Del Yeah, well, with a name like Myles he's bound to. Rodney (Remembering) Cabbage. Rodney moves off to finish his shopping. Del stares back at the shelves of potatoes, water and carrots. We're not sure exactly which one has drawn his interest. EXT. DAY. THE ALLOTMENT. The part of the allotment we can actually see is now cleared of the rubbish that had been dumped there, including the rocks and rubble and, obviously, the drums of gunge. The long grass and weeds, except for a couple of thick bushes, have been cut down and part of the ground has been dug-over. The green Capri is parked close by. We see Del and Albert sitting in deck chairs close to the shed. They are both wearing wellies and gardening gear and look like a couple of extras from Emmerdale Farm. Del's Dan archer image is ruined slightly by his aluminium Arnie Becker Briefcase. Albert is cleaning out and sucking on his old pipe as if preparing it for filling. He keeps the pipe in evidence. Albert It just show you what a little bit of hard work can achieve. Del Yep. Gives you a sort of warm feeling, don't it? I mean, what's a few aching muscles and blisters on the hands compared with this vision in front of us. Albert I know what you mean, Del. Del (Looks at watch) Oh, look at that. It's twelve o'clock. (Calls of camera) Oi, you two. We see Trigger and Denzil. One of them is holding a garden fork, the other a shovel. They are both dirty and sweating. Del You go an' get a bite to eat, you deserve it, you've worked hard. Trigger and Denzil walk towards Del and Albert. Trigger See you in an hour, Del Boy. Del No hurry, Trig. Denzil We're never gonna get this finished today, you know. Del There's always tomorrow, Denzil, that's my motto. I'll see you in an hour. Denzil and Trigger move off towards Denzil's van. Now the three wheeled van screeches to a halt and an irate Rodney alights and approaches Del and Albert. Trigger (To Rodney) Dave! Rodney What's your bloody game, Del? Del Something wrong, bruv? Rodney Myles has just phoned the flat. He wanted to confirm his appointment with you. Del Oh good, he's on his way then. Rodney What are you playing at, Del? Del After our visit to Myles' place last week something happened to me, Rodney. It was like a blinding flash of light - like St. Paul on the road to Tabascus. I went green, Rodney. I realised that what I had here was not just an allotment - it was God's good earth in which I could grow vegetables and ... things. These rough hands are gonna feed my woman and child. I'm a born-again gardener, Rodders. Rodney But you've never done gardening in all your life. Del Well, it's been a bit difficult, innit living on the twelfth floor of a tower block? But now I've got a chance. Rodney But, Del, to you a King Edward is something you smoke. (Referring to Albert) And the only thing he's ever grown is a beard! You don't know anything about gardening. Del No, but I know a man who does. That's why I gave good old Myles a bell. He didn't seem to mind. Rodney Well ... No, I suppose not. I mean, it's in his interest, ain't it? He could sell you some of his fertilizer and what 'ave you. Del Exactly. He helps me, I help him, 'conseil d'etat' as they say in Grenobles. Hold up, here he comes now. We see Myles' car, a Citroen 2CV, approaching. Rodney moves away to greet Myles. Del Ship ahoy, Albert. Now you know what you've gotta do and say, don't you? Albert Leave it to me, son. Del Don't go overboard! Nice and easy, alright? Off you go then. Myles alights from his car and studies the allotment with a somewhat confused expression. Del Myles, nice to see you again. Beautiful day for sowing a turnip, eh? Myles (Referring to the allotment) Is this it? Del Well... yes! Myles You told me you had 'land!' You were even talking about leaving one area to lay fallow. Rodney (Embarrassed) It's just an allotment. Myles I know it's an allotment! I can see it's an allotment! Del Well, I'm new to all this gardening malarky. I just thought that you, being a friend, would be willing to advise. And Rodney said that you are the kiddy when it comes to an organic swede. Myles accepts the compliment with a modest smile. Del And of course, anything I need will be bought from your organic garden centre. Myles (A heavy, reluctant sigh) Yes, okay, fine. Are you working with compost? Del is indicating Albert walking behind him with a lit pipe. Del No, it's most probably his pipe. Myles I mean, do you have a compost heap? Del No, but I'm keeping an eye out for one. Myles First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have. Del Well, it's this - earthy sort. Rodney There are many varieties of soil. There's, er... well, there's all sorts, ain't there, Myles? Myles picks up a small handful of soil and rubs in between his fingers. He considers the texture of soil whilst making those expert doctor type sounds; 'mmmh'... 'hmmm'. Del (To Rodney) What's he doing? Rodney (Embarrassed by Del's naivete) Tch! He's a gardener. He's ... well, ...what are you actually doing, Myles? Myles I'm testing the soil for texture and structure. Myles is still rubbing soil between fingers. Del (To Myles) I'd have a care, son, there's a lot of cats round here. Rodney Just leave him alone, Del. Myles, with bits of earth remaining on fingers from his texture testing, now wets his fingers with his lips. Del (Horrified, thinks Myles is eating the soil) What's the weirdo up to now? Rodney He's testing the structure! Del He'll be testing the hospital's stomach pump if he ain't careful! Myles It's slightly alkaline. Myles hands Del a few small crumbs of earth to test for himself. Del No thanks, son, I had a fry-up 'fore I come out. Rodney turns away from Del and Myles in embarrassment. We hear Myles talking in background as we stay on Rodney. Myles You realise, Derek, this could take up to five years of drainage and care to achieve the best crops. Rodney now does a double-take on something he has seen towards the back of allotment. He moves towards it. Whatever it is confuses and bemuses him. He is totally mystified by the vision. Del (Optimistically) Five years? I thought it'd take a long time. We cut away to show for the fist time 'the Peckham Spring' in all its glory. Many of the old rocks that had been dumped on the allotment are now piled in a circle with grass and plants growing between and around them to give the impression of age. Water bubbles out of a pool set within the rocks and runs away through a drain away. Rodney (Incredulously to himself) What the..? We see Albert digging in background. He ses Rodney's reaction to the 'spring'. Albert places his finger over his lips in a 'keep quiet' gesture to Rodney. A horrified Rodney now realises that this is what Del was up to. He moves closer to the spring. We see Del and Myles continuing in the background. Myles I think we'll try a cocktail of fishmeal and dry-blood, mushroom compost and horse and cow manure. Del (Rubbing hands together in delight) Lovely Jubbly! We cut away to Rodney who is still studying the Peckham Spring. Now, with his suspicions on red alert, Rodney begins moving away from the spring and towards the longer grass that leads round the back of the allotments. He is obviously seeking the source of the spring. Myles Blood, fish and bone, that's what we need here, Derek. Del Just what the doctor ordered. Del is suddenly alarmed to see Rodney searching through the long grass. Myles If that doesn't work we'll try a touch of hoof and horn. We cut back to Rodney and his search. He is now some thirty yards or so away from the spring. Now, partially, hidden in the grass, we see a hosepipe. Rodney follows the hosepipe to a communal water tap hidden behind some heavy bushes or some kind of structure. He turns and looks in Del's direction with a bemused, begging look in his eyes. Del returns a fierce warning look. Myles is waffling on in background. Myles We'll have to talk about crop-rotation, Derek. But the first thing is a good old-fashioned digging over. I'll get my soil-testing kit from the car. As Myles turns he catches sight for the first time of the spring. Del No, no, Albert'll run to the car for you, Myles. Myles What's that? Del What's what? Myles That! The water. Del Oh that? That's the old Peckham Spring. Rodney, go an' fetch Myles's soil- testing kit. Rodney has joined them. Myles No, no, wait a moment. The Peckham Spring? I never realised there was a spring in Peckham! Del Oh yes. That's why it's called the Peckham Spring - it's in the doomsday book. Del It's been there for well, centuries. We don't actually know where the spring comes from, do we, Rodney? Rodney No, but it's certainly 'sprung' up from somewhere, innit, Del Boy? Del Yeah. Our old Grandad tried to block it off but it kept bubbling up somewhere else, so in the end we just left it. Now, where'd you leave your kit, Myles? Myles No, that can wait. This is fascinating. A natural urban spring! This is a real discovery! Is it pure? Rodney (Grabs the opportunity to kill the scam) I wouldn't have thought so, Myles, not with this alkaline soil. Albert Pure? I've been drinking that water since I was a little nipper and it never done me no harm. Albert now digs, but with great energy and gusto. Del (To Myles) Take no notice of him. He's 98, a bit ... you know... Del taps temple to suggest senility. Myles He's 98? Del Yeah. Ain't he, Rodney... bruv? Rodney (Sheepishly) ...Yeah! ...but only recently. Albert I've drunk from the finest wells and rivers on this planet and there is nothing to touch the Peckham Spring. Myles Derek, I wonder if you'd mind me taking a sample of this water away for analysis? Del What for? Myles To test its purity. Rodney It's not pure, Myles! Take my word for it, it's not pure! Del Rodney's right, Myles, of course it ain't pure. It's coming up from the centre of the earth through all them 'orrible rocks and things. Myles Yes! And it's those 'rocks and things' that filter the water of impurities and give it its life- preserving qualities. Minerals, Derek, minerals! You may remember I told you that I was the vice president of the SWANS? (Now a friendly laugh at the memory) And you thought I meant 'big white ducks'. Del Oh yeah! Del and Myles laugh at this. Myles Well, what SWANS actually stands for is: the Spa Water and Natural Springs Committee. We test the waters of all the springs and spas in Britain and give certificates verifying the quality and contents. Del Sorry, Myles, you've lost me. Rodney I've got a feeling it won't take you long to catch up, Del. Myles D'you remember last week when you and Rodney were at my garden centre? Did you notice all the various mineral waters I sell. Waters from all over Britain and indeed Europe. Rodney You remember, Del, you checked the prices on about nine or ten of 'em. Del Oh them? Myles Yes, them! Now what I'm saying, Derek - may I call you, Del? Del Oh mai oui, mon pleasure. Myles If, and I do emphasise the word 'if' - if this water should pass our laboratory tests there is a strong possibility that we could actually bottle it. Del What d'you mean 'bottle it'? Rodney (Becoming bored with Del's game) He means put it in bottles, Del. Myles I am a conservationist, a friend of the earth and deeply concerned with our planet's future. But I am also a businessman. Now I don't for one moment expect someone like you to see the potential of this water, so let me explain in simple terms. You have the source, ie, the Peckham Spring, I have the means of selling it through my natural food centres - and, if successful we could even expand to supermarkets and other outlets. Del Wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me get this straight. Are you saying that we can sell this water? Rodney By George I think he's got it! Myles I'm saying there’s a possibility. It all depends on the laboratory report. Now I need something to take a sample with. Albert There's a bucket here. Myles No, it must be a sterilised container. I'll just drive back to the centre. I'll only be a short while. Del No need, Myles. I think I've got the very thing in my briefcase. Albert! Come here! Del leads them over to shed to open his Arnie Becker briefcase Del (Cont'd) I've been down Mothercare this morning, got my little boy a bottle. (Produces film- wrapped baby- bottle) A 'sterilised' bottle. Will that do? Myles That's just the job. How old's the baby? Rodney Nearly two. Del Yeah! He's a bit slow going on to solids. Still, we're not worried, Rodney was on the breast till he was three and a half. Albert, go an' fill this up from the Peckham Spring. And don't get any dirt on that bottle. Albert Leave it to me, son. Myles (Myles feels he should do this himself) Well, I think maybe I should... Del (Cuts his thought off) Now, there's something I wanted to ask you Myles, when you talk about 'crop rotation' do you mean that every so often I've gotta dig the potatoes and sprouts up and turn 'em over? Myles What? No, no. Let's say for instance one season you grow potatoes in this area of the allotment, well, next season you should grow some other root vegetable in that area. Del Oh right. Like rotate it? Makes sense. Rodney arrives at spring to join Albert. Albert What d'you want, Rodney? Rodney I've just gotta see how you get out of this one. Albert bends down as if about to fill the baby-bottle from the spring. Now, from underneath his coat, he produces a canvas knapsack and opens it. Inside we see a half-empty bottle of Buxton or Malvern water (Still) and a identical baby-bottle already filled with the mineral water. Albert removes the full baby-bottle and hides the empty baby-bottle in knapsack. Rodney I just don't believe this. We'll all end up in nick! Albert Not me, Rodney, I'm an old man. Albert now approaches Del and Myles, shaking the baby- bottle as if shaking off water drops. Del (To Myles) So we'd rotate them as well. Ah, here it is. Albert (To Myles) Is that alright, son? Myles That's wonderful, thank you so much. I'll get that off to the laboratory this afternoon. (Places bottle in pocket) Now - beans and carrots. Del Eh? Myles We were discussing the growing of beans and carrots. Del Oh that? Na, don't worry about that. I've gone off the idea of growing vegetables now. Come on, let's go an' get a drink. Come on, Albert. Del walks off towards the green Capri, his scam having worked and no longer having any interest whatsoever in the allotment. He leaves behind a slightly bewildered Myles and a deeply embarrassed Rodney. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/KITCHEN. The lounge and kitchen have been transformed into a bottling plant. We see cardboard boxes bearing the name and logo of 'the Peckham Spring'. There are piles of sticky-back Peckham Spring labels. Del is in the kitchen filling bottles straight from the tap (with the aid of a funnel). He hands the bottles to Rodney who takes them to Raquel who puts the tops on them and Albert then puts them into boxes. Rodney I think it's a miracle. Del It's a miracle alright, Rodney. It's dear old mum smiling down on us and making sure her little boys don't starve. Rodney No, I mean I think it's a miracle we've been doing this for three weeks now and we're not banged up in nick. Del The reason we're not banged up is because we're not doing anything illegal. Rodney Not doing anything ill... we're selling public water to the public! Del That's where you're wrong, Rodders. This stuff used to belong to the public but Maggie privatised it. It now belongs to a board of directors and a load of investors. They sell it to us, we sell it on. All we're doing is repackaging it. It's like Esso buys oil from Kuwait and repackages it as petrol. Is that illegal? Rodney They could have us under the trade descriptions act. You call it Peckham Spring but it's not a spring. Del Sainsbury's sell French beans but do they come from France? Rodney Alright, what about this claim on the label: 'From an ancient and natural source'? Del Yeah, the Thames. You can't get more ancient and natural than that! We've got a certificate from the SWANS committee to prove that this is the finest water they've ever analyzed. Rodney Yes, because what they analyzed wasn't this. It was Malvern or Buxton water. Del Oh shuddup splitting hairs! Over the last fortnight Peckham Spring has becomes Myles' biggest seller. He's doubled his order twice now. Just go and see how Raquel's getting on! Rodney carries a few bottles in for Raquel to pack. Rodney (To Raquel) I'm surprised you'd be a party to all this. Raquel I'm doing it purely for the man I love, Rodney. I'll claim a crime of passion - or insanity. Anyway, I haven't noticed you turning any of the money down, Rodney. Rodney Raquel, I'm only tryin' to make it easier on Del when his case comes to court. The less Del makes out of this scam the lighter his sentence will be. To you it may look as if I'm sharing the profits, but in my heart I'm simply halving the guilt. Raquel That is true brotherly love and courage, Rodney. Albert If they didn't mean so much to me I'd give you one of my medals. Del enters from kitchen. Del I think we all deserve a little break. Albert Yeah, this water's making my skin go funny. Rodney That's saying something from an old sailor, innit? The phone rings. Del (Answers) Peckham Spring, PLC... Myles, nice to hear from you, son... mmmmh... really ... no? Rodney (Assumes they've been caught) Oh God! Del (On phone) No, we can up production. We are in a go position, Myles, give us the word and we will not be found wanting... bonjour for now. (Switches phone off) He's got meetings arranged for next week. Some super- market conglomerates are showing an interest and a chain of hotels and restaurants are very keen. Albert We'll have to take on extra staff. Del We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, Unc. Right, back to work, the people of this wonderful country are thirsty - God, it makes me feel so proud! I wouldn't be surprised if the queen gave me an award for this. Rodney About two and a half years, I reckon. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM. Cassandra lays in bed reading a magazine. Rodney enters and prepares to get undressed. Cassandra I see Peckham Spring's really selling well. Rodney (Every mention of the word panics him) What d'you mean? Cassandra I had lunch at the local wine bar today and they're selling it. The waiter said it was their most popular brand. I must admit it has got a taste of its own. Rodney (Quietly) It's called fluoride. Cassandra Sorry? Rodney I say it's gotta be tried. Cassandra Oh yeah, everyone's buying it. It's on trial. Rodney (Panic) Trial? What d'you mean trial? What trial? Cassandra Myles was saying a major supermarket chain are giving it a two week trial. Rodney Oh! Oh yeah, that's right. Cassandra You okay? Rodney Yeah, I'm fine. Cassandra Look, if you're still worried about... well, just remember what the doctor said, don't be uptight. Rodney It's nothing to do with that... Cass... if I tell you a secret d'you promise not to tell a soul. Cassandra (Hoping for something juicy) Cross my heart. Go on, what is it? Rodney You know Peckham Spring? Cassandra Mmmh, what about it? Rodney It's... it's tap water. Cassandra Tap water? Rodney Yeah... it's tap water. Cassandra What d'you mean, 'tap water'? Rodney Well... water from a tap. Cassandra From a tap? what tap? Rodney The one in Del's kitchen. Cassandra You are kidding, aren't you? Tell me you're joking, Roddy. Rodney No, really. He just puts a bottle under the tap, fills it up and sells it for 45 pence. Cassandra Oh my God! Oh God help us!! Rodney It's alright, calm down, it's nothing to do with you. Cassandra Nothing to do with me? Where do you think her got the capital to buy all those bottle and boxes and equipment and the money to pay daddy for printing his labels? Rodney Well, I never really give it that much... from you? Rodney And you gave it to him? Cassandra I'm in charge of small business investment and this seemed to be a small business investment with a future. I mean, someone had discovered a natural spring that had received a certificate of purity from Myles. Rodney And you believed Del? Cassandra No Roddy, I believed you! Rodney Yeah, well, Del said I mustn't tell anyone. Why didn't you tell me you'd loaned him the money? Cassandra Because that is confiden- tial information between the bank and its client! Rodney Well, now you know. What are you gonna do? Cassandra I've got no choice, Roddy. I'm going to have to keep quiet about it. Rodney Really? Cassandra Well, I just crossed my heart and promised you I wouldn't tell a soul. And if I was to tell the bank I'd most probably lose my promotion - and I don't really fancy driving out to Wormwood Scrubs every Sunday to see my husband... on the other hand is selling water illegal? I was charged 20 pence last week in a garage just to fill my radiator up... Del's kept up all the repayments - and you're earning lots of money out of it. Rodney I've never been so well off. But you see, Cass, there are geological aspects coming into play. We are taking thousands and thousands of gallons every week. The water board have got workmen on the estate, they think they've got a major underground leak! Here we are in the middle of winter and the local papers are issuing drought warnings. So people are going out and panic-buying Peckham bloody spring! Which means we've got to take more water to stay up with the demand. Cassandra is now rubbing his neck to relax him. Cassandra (Whispering in his ear) Ssshhhh. Rodney And to top it all some prat's advised him to advertise on local radio. Cassandra turns away sheepishly. Rodney No. You? Why? Cassandra Del's my client, Roddy. It's my job to advise him. Rodney But you're not dealing with a normal person. This is Derek Trotter! Don't you understand, he's sucking the land dry. I'm worried we're going to get a visit from Bob Geldof and Lenny Henry any minute! INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. Raquel, Cassandra, Albert and Rodney are seated at table. Boycie and Marlene are also at the bar. Boycie I've always believed in powdered rhino horn. Marlene breaks away to speak to Raquel. Marlene (To Raquel) I was ever so happy to hear your good news. It must be lovely to suddenly come into money after all these years. Raquel Well, we're enjoying it. Marlene I bet you are. You can come to my coffee morning now. Raquel Thanks. Marlene I'll see you in a minute, I'm bursting. Marlene exits frame. Raquel (Seething) You're not the only one. Cassandra (To Raquel) It'll be a garden party next. We cut to bar where Rodney is just about to take another round of drinks to the table. Boycie I hear business is booming, Rodney. Rodney Yeah, couldn't be better. The old Peckham Spring is selling hand over foot. Boycie I just find it hard to believe that someone with Del Boy's attitude could suddenly become so professional in his business approach. Rodney He's just never had the chance to prove it before, that's all. I mean, if he hadn't cleared that allotment up so well he'd have never discovered the spring in the first place. Mike What made him clear it up? I mean, I've never seen Del as an Alan Titmarsh. A tit, maybe... Rodney During our lifetime, Mike, we all go through many changes. Del suddenly became very ecologically aware, aware of the damage we were doing to mother earth. Mike Yeah, and I suppose that summons from the council made him even more ecologically aware. Rodney Erm, well, it might have helped. But at least he brought in a firm of experts to get rid of those drums of chemicals. Boycie A team of experts? How long have Denzil and Trigger been experts?? Rodney (This is news) Denzil and Tri... he told me he used specialists! Boycie and Mike laugh. Rodney (Now on the defence) On the other hand, Trigger could be considered to be a specialist. Mike Trigger still ain't sure what end of the dart to throw! Rodney I mean, he works for the council so he could dispose of them drums at the environmental waste unit. Boycie According to Denzil they chucked 'em in a pond! Rodney (Horrified) In a pond? They threw 'em in a pond? You wait till I see, Del! Rodney moves to table. Boycie What d'you reckon to all this Peckham Spring lark, Mike? Knowing Del I wouldn't be surprised if it ain't coming out of a tap. Del appears at bar. Del Michael, my usual, one for your good self and whatever Boycie's having. Boycie Cheers, Del Boy. I've been hearing so much about your success. Couldn't have happened to a nicer fella. Mike That's what I keep saying. Del And me. Boycie I hear expansion is on the cards? Del You wouldn't believe, Boyce. Looks like we've gotta get a couple of extra delivery vans. Boycie Cost money, Del. Del I'll get a loan from Cassandra and the bank, won't I? Mike Yeah, but you've gotta pay interest, ain't you? Boycie And I've heard the interest rate's going up. Mike So have I. Boycie Plus, everything that goes through the bank is recorded on computers and may come to the attention of our hard working friends at customs and excise. What you need is a silent partner. Someone who's willing to put, say, five grand in for a small annual dividend - three percent at a guess. No questions asked. Del What a good idea. Someone who'll put in ten grand for a three percent dividend. Boycie Ten gr... alright, Del, I'll take a flyer on that one. Del You're in, Boyce. Mike Well, if the traps are open I'll take the five grands worth. Del One and a half percent annual? Mike Do me. Del Cushty! And, of course, silent partners keep their mouths shut, don't they? They all spit on palms and smack hands to seal the arrangement. Mike Tell you what, why don't we toast the deal with Peckham Spring? Del Na, let's have something else. We cut away to table. Cassandra In a pond? Rodney That's what Boycie said! You wait till he gets back to the table. Cassandra No, Roddy, no arguments tonight, please... I want this to be a nice celebration - it's the first time we've all been happy for ages. Rodney Yeah, alright I'll have him tomorrow. Del arrives back. Del First thing in the morning, Rodders, we'll go down to the allotment and clear all the rubbish out of the shed. I mean, what do we need with Bros LPs and Rumanian Rheisling. Raquel Or them wigs. Del (Laughing) Those wigs! I don't know why I ever bought them. Albert A wig saved my life once. Del We'll take it out and dump it all somewhere. Rodney Yeah, so long as it's not in a pond, eh, Del? Del (Innocence) A pond? What's he on about? Cassandra Don't know. Marlene How could a wig save your life? Boycie You've got a mouth and a half on you, Marlene! Marlene Well, I'm interested. Boycie It's bound to be something that happened 'during the war.' Marlene It might not have happened during the war! Albert During the war... (Del and Boycie move away) ...during the war I was on a corvette out in the Pacific fighting the Japs. Now, my old skipper, Captain Kenworthy, he used to wear a wig. You couldn't tell though - except in rough seas when it used to slide to one side. Anyway, one day we were attacked by a kamikaze pilot. He came zooming in towards us - I remember saying to the skipper, 'the way he's carrying on he'll kill himself'. Anyway, he's crashed right into us. So there we were, nine of us and the skipper marooned at sea with our lifeboats smashed to pieces. Mike Wait a minute, you're not tryin' to tell us that ten of you got on the captain's wig? Albert Don't be facetious, Michael, I'm talking about heroes. Mike Oops, sorry! Albert Finally we got washed up on this island where the natives had never seen a white man before. They were waggling their spears and looking very angry. Then Captain Kenworthy said, leave this to me lads. He stepped forward, brave as a lion, and whipped his wig off. You should have seen their faces. See, the skipper knew they'd never seen a wig before. Marlene So what did they do? Make him a God? Albert No, they killed him. They wanted the wig, see, thought it had magic powers. So they all ran off to have a ceremony and we had it away on our toes. Got picked up by an Australian frigate. Rodney Well, we're off home now. General goodbyes. Rodney and Cassandra pause before leaving. Cassandra Roddy. D'you remember we said that when we could afford it we'd have a weekend away somewhere? Rodney Yeah. Cassandra Well, we can afford it now, can't we? So why don't we go? Tomorrow night. Just us two. Rodney All alone. Cassandra You and me in a lovely hotel over-looking the sea. Rodney With a king-size bed! You can do a lot of rolling round in a king-size bed. Cassandra Hmmm! Del/Boycie/Mike (Together) Oysters. Rodney (Quietly) Del, I won't be in tomorrow. Del Why? Rodney Tomorrow night me and Cass are gonna go down to the seaside - just to be on our own for a while. You don't mind? Del Course not, bruv. (Now a wonderful idea) I tell you what. We'll come with you. Raquel, fancy a weekend by the sea? Raquel Take me home, I'll pack the bags! A look is shared between Rodney and Raquel. Rodney crosses to Cassandra. Del (OOV) This calls for a celebration. Boycie (OOV) Definitely. Raquel (OOV) Not another celebration. Mike (OOV) Why not? This is my living. Rodney (To Cassandra) Guess what? See Cassandra's reaction. EXT. NIGHT. THE M23. We see signpost to 'Brighton'. The green Capri passes with Del driving, Rodney in front passenger seat, Raquel and Cassandra in back seat with Damien between them strapped in a baby chair. (Or it could be funnier if Raquel was in passenger seat and Rodney was scrunched up in back seat with Cassandra and Damien who is eating a wagon wheel.) Music over: The Beatles 'Money' EXT. NIGHT.THE GRAND HOTEL, BRIGHTON. The Capri pulls into parkway amongst a Roller and a couple of Mercs. Music continues over. The Trotters alight and the doorman takes their luggage from boot (Del's leopard-skin suitcase, etc). Del hands a twenty pound note to the valet who opens the car door for him. Del goes round to the front entrance. He peels a twenty pound note from a massive wad he is holding and hands it to doorman. INT. NIGHT. THE FOYER. GRAND HOTEL. Music continues over. We see the Trotters enter, Raquel carrying Damien who is holding his plastic pig toy. Rodney, Cassandra and Raquel are feeling a little queasy about Del's ostentatious display. They approach the reception desk. Del tucks a twenty pound note under the bellboy's lapel. Bellboy exits. See Raquel's reaction. See Rodney and Cassandra's reaction. Del fills in the registration form. Damien's toy flies into shot and hits the receptionist. We see Del's reaction. We see Damien's face. We see Rodney and Cassandra's reaction. Del hands the card to the receptionist. Receptionist asks how he'll pay. Del produces a wad of notes. We see Cassandra's reaction. we see Rodney's reaction. We see the Trotters and several members of staff carrying their cases start to go up the stairs. Del appears on the balcony. INT. NIGHT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. Music stops. This is an hour or so later. On table stands the half finished silver platter of light refreshments including a bottle of Peckham Spring. Raquel is laid out on the bed, a glass of champagne in hand. Del saunters round the room, taking in and enjoying every item of his new found luxury. Del Another glass of champagne, sweetheart? Raquel Oh, I think you could persuade me. Del (Refills her glass) This is in our blood, innit, darling? Raquel well the champagne certain- ly is. Del No, I mean this lifestyle. I always promised you this kind of life. Didn't I always promise you this kind of life? Raquel Yes, you did. And I'm gonna make the most of it before they put you in prison. Del Raquel, they can't put me in prison. You've gotta do something illegal to go to prison. I am merely selling a very popular product. Look, even the finest hotels in the world are buying Peckham Spring. No, we're on a winner. This is just the beginning. (To Damien) You won't know any other life, will you, champ? You'll grow up with Mercedes, Cecil Gee suits, Lanzarotte. You'll take it all in your stride. And good luck to you. Raquel I think it's time I put him down. Del Yeah. I'll go an' see how Rodney's doing. He moves towards connecting door. Raquel Leave 'em alone. They're... well, they're trying to sort their lives out. Del But it's nine o'clock. We're in Brighton. Blimey, they should show some more decorum! Del exits through connecting door. INT. NIGHT. AMBASSADOR SUITE. The TV is on and we can hear a news report. Rodney is wearing his pyjama top and is just tying the cord on pyjama trousers as Del enters through connecting door. Del Oi up! Rodney turns away in embarrassment. Rodney What are you doing? Del I just popped in to see how are you are. Don't get embarrassed, you've got nothing in there to frighten me. Rodney Why have we got an inter- connecting door? Del Ah, that was my idea. I asked for that so that we could all mingle like a family - that's what families do. Rodney I know, but you're pop- ping in and out like a gas meter reader. Del Oh shuddup, you tart. Where's Cassandra? Rodney She went in the bathroom about half an hour ago. Del (Worried) Them sandwiches were alright, weren't they? Rodney Yes. She's gone to... you know, slip into something. Del Half an hour? What's she slipped into, a coma? Rodney No. She's... (Mimes spraying perfume) ... and what 'ave you. Del You'll be alright, bruv. The sea air does something to a woman. Rodney Yeah? Del Yeah. I remember a bird I had years ago, Gloria something or another. Cold woman, she could freeze for Birdseye. Then one weekend I took her to a caravan site in Herne Bay - she become a wild thing. It went from Mary Poppins to Debbie Does Dallas before the lids come off the take away. It's the ozones, makes them all sensual... d'you want any Brut? Rodney No. Del You'll be alright, bruv. Just relax, okay? Don't be taut and rigid - well not all of you, anyway. Rodney Will you just get out of here... and don't you listen! Del And don't you make any noise, Damien's asleep in there. See you in the morning. Del exits. INT. NIGHT. PRISEDENTIAL SUITE. Del enters from Rodney's room. Raquel is not in room. Del goes over to the sleeping Damien. Del That's it, babe, you have a lovely dreams. Dream about Christmas and about all the lovely presents Santa Claus is gonna bring you - 'cos a little baby like you has gotta be right at the top of his VIP list. When I was a little ankle-biter like you all I had for Christmas was an orange and a clump round the earhole. Still, the orange was nice... I wish I knew what you was dreaming... still, long as it's a lovely one... and I'm in it. The door from bathroom opens and we see Raquel wearing a long, silk night dress. Del tries hard to control his feelings of excitement. Del Raquel! He moves towards her. Del You look... you look really nice, Raquel. Raquel Thank you. Del hands her glass of champagne. They look at each other for this moment. Del I love you. Raquel I love you, Trotter. Del now takes off his braces with great urgency. Del (With a 'let's get at it' attitude) Right! Del goes to side of bed, leaving a slightly disap- pointed Raquel. INT. NIGHT. AMBASSADOR SUITE. A now very relaxed Rodney is seated on the bed wearing a towelling dressing gown, watching the news on TV. We almost repeat the previous scene. The bathroom door opens and Cassandra appears wearing a very expensive and slinky nightdress. Cassandra Sorry I've been so long. He stands. They move towards each other. Rodney They say the best things take time. They kiss and then fall onto bed. As they kiss we hear the newscaster on TV. Rodney and Cassandra are so engrossed in each other they hear none of this broadcast. Newsreader (OOV) And a late news item. The London Borough of Peckham is tonight without water after a local reservoir was found to be contaminated by an unknown chemical. Cut to TV. We see news film of frogmen in a reservoir and a crane hauling one of the drums from Del's allotment, the logo clearly showing. The drum is spilling yellow liquid into the water. Newscaster (Continues over film) The drum of chemicals, which is still to be identified, was discovered late this afternoon and appears to have been dumped in the reservoir up to a month ago. A spokesperson for the Peckham water board has emphasised that the cutting of water supplies is purely a precautionary measure and there is no need for alarm. Cassandra, who hasn't heard a word of this, switches TV off by remote control. INT. NIGHT. PRESIDENTIAL SUITE. The lights are low. Del and Raquel lay in bed looking at each other. Del Everything's coming up roses for us, innit, sweetheart? Raquel Getting better every day. Del And it's all thanks to the Peckham Spring. You know, I wouldn't mind betting that this time next week my name'll be in all the papers. Del switches the bedside lamp off. The room is now in darkness except for a strange eerie green glow from the bottle of Peckham Spring.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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