Only Fools And Horses

Miami Twice Part 2: Oh To Be In England

EXT. DAY. Shot of an jet airliner flying through the sky. INT. DAY. AIRLINER CABIN. We track along the cabin taking in a number of average British holiday makers and a few business people (not every seat is taken) until we find the Trotters. Del is at window seat and wearing flashy summer shirt, a colourful sun hat and a pair of thick gold-framed, Benidorm-specials sunglasses (often referred to as 'bingo glasses'). He is excited by the whole event - looking from the window and around the cabin - like a kid trying to absorb every second of this adventure. He has a pair of in-flight earphones on. Rodney is in the middle seat (the aisle seat is empty). He is casually reading a book. Del, still with the headphones on, is speaking too loudly. Del Hey hey hey - we've done it Rodders! Rodney Done what? Del Eh? Rodney (A little louder) Done what? Del Done it - joined the glitter- ati! Rodney The glitterati? Del Eh? Rodney Take the headphones off! Del Eh? Oh. Sorry. Del takes the headphones off. Del (Cont'd) Do what? Rodney What do you mean, we've joined the Glitterati? Del Well we have, ain't we? We're transatlantic people now ain't we, eh? No more of that Costa Del Sewage for us, bruv. We're in the big time now. Rodney Yeah, I suppose so. Oi, Del, when we land in Miami, right, before we go to any bars or anything like that, the first thing we gotta do is sort ourselves out some transport and accommo- dation. Del It's all taken care of, bruv. You know Alex, the travel agaent, he faxed one of his people in the States. Rodney So we're all fixed up? Ace! Oh well, I'll pay Alex when I get back. I'll do it on me credit card, eh? Del No, there's no need - I've already done it. Rodney Good!... What, on my credit card? Del Well, yeah. That's what you were gonna do, weren't it? Rodney Yeah. Del Well, that's it, I've saved you the bother. 'Cos this is your holiday, and I don't want nothing to mar it. Rodney is politely uncertain. Rodney Thanks. Del We're gonna live it up a little, ain't we? Rodney Well... yes! But there are two kinds of living it up, Del. You know - enjoying the freedom from the stresses of work, filling the mind with new sights and sounds, experiencing local cuisine and culture, even indulging in the gifts of nature such as the sea and sun. And then there's your kind! Del What exactly do... Rodney (Interrupting) There will be no women on this trip! Right? Del ... Can you be more pacific? Rodney This holiday is not gonna be another Benidorm revisited. And I'm warning you, if I see one, just one bra hanging off our car aerial - I'm outta there. Del I'm not gonna do anything like that. And I would never of even thought of it if you hadn't just brought it up. I don't know what goes on in that little mind of yours. You dirty little devil. Here look - I'm gonna have a little nap. Give us a nudge when the old drinks arrive, will you? Now then how d'you get this chair to go back then? Del pulls the chair-lever up and his chair disappears from frame in a flash. We stay on Rodney. As Del's chair whizzes back we hear a thump and the sound of plastic plate and glass breaking. The woman sitting behind Del yelps in alarm. Woman (OOV) Look what you've done! Del (OOV) Oh, er, sorry about that. Woman (OOV) You've ruined it! Del (OOV) No no no no - that's alright. That'll clean off. Ask the stewardess for a cloth. Woman (OOV) It's dry clean only! Del (OOV) No, they put that on the label to impress you. Rodney puts the headphones on in an attempt to block out the row going on around him. Rodney Bloody 'ell. We hear (distorted, as if from head-phones) the opening bars of 'Summer In The City'. Del I'll tell you what, give me a serviette and I'll do it. That's right. Hitch your skirt up a bit, gel. That's it. Go on, give us it here. What, on your own, are you? EXT.DAY. MIAMI AIRPORT (MAIN BUILDING). Del and Rodney exit the building lugging their suit- cases, etc. They hire a taxi. Del shows the driver a piece of paper (obviously contains an address). The taxi pulls away. Del is wearing the summer hat and sunglasses and continues to wear them until evening. EXT.DAY. Arial shot of Miami coastline. Sunny day. EXT. DAY. MIAMI MONTAGE. Various shots of Miami from taxi window. Shots of Del and Rodney in the back of cab enjoynig the views and the excitement of the trip. EXT. DAY. CAUSEWAY WITH BAYSIDE VIEW (MIAMI SKYLINE IN THE BACKGROUND). The taxi pulls to a halt. Del and Rodney alight. Del takes a photo of Rodney with the Miami skyline in the background. Rodney now takes the same photo of Del. A young guy passes by., with a sports camera around his neck. Del asks him to take a photo of him and Rodney. Del and Rodney stand with the skyline in the background. The young boy takes the photo. Now he runs off with the camera. Del gives chase. DAY. QUIET HIGHWAY ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF THE CITY. We see a small, rather tacky looking car rental lot: 'Mac's Auto Rentals'. We see a number of cars of various ages and conditions. In the centre of the lot is a mobile home or shack which houses the office. The taxi pulls up and Del and Rodney alight. INT. DAY. CAR RENTAL OFFICE. It's a very untidy and cramped office. Mac, the owner (45, unshaven and doesn't care) is seated behind the counter reading a newspaper. Del and Rodney enter. Del Hello, anybody here? Mac I'm in here! Del Oh, right. Del and Rodney go through to the back office. Mac Oh hi, how ya doing? Del Yeah, listen - our travel agent reckons he's booked a car for us from you. Del hands Mac some paperwork. Mac Okay. Mac checks Del's paperwork against that of his own. Mac (Cont'd) You guys on vacation? Rodney Yeah, a weeks' holiday. Mac No kidding? You come all the way from Australia for a week? Del No no no - we're not from Australia! No, we are English. Mac Oh, well you vould have fooled me. Well, I won't hold you up. I'll just bring it right around the front. Mac exits. Del notices an advertisment on the wall concerning the 'Star Tours' trip around Biscayne Bay. Del Hey - look at this! We'll have some of that, eh, Rodders? Rodney What? Yeah, a nice little boat trip'll do us the world of good. Del Yeah. EXT. DAY. THE CAR LOT. Del and Rodney are ut of the office. They place their luggage down. Rodney Oh wotchya America... Oh, this is gonna be a holiday to remember, innit? Del Ha ha ha - You said it, bruv. Rodney is now drawn from his reverie by a sesne of curiosity as we hear the low throbbing sound of an approaching vehicle which would appear to have serious exhaust problems. Rodney turns and reacts. We see Mac at the wheel of a large and old camper. Del Here we go, Rodders! Rodney (Horrified) What the hell is this, Del? Mike calls to them. Mike Alright, you gents have a nice day, now! Del And you, pal. Rodney Yeah, thank you. Mac exits to office. Rodney What are we gonna do with that? Del That? That is where we're gonna live. Alex recommended it. See, the advantage is we don't have to stay in one spot, do we? You know, we can move about a bit and it's cheap. Rodney Del, there is no way I'm gonna spend any time in this mobile ghetto with you! Del Eh, what do you mean you're not gonna spend any time... Look Rodney, I was only tryin' to save you money. And we won't be trapped, will we? Eh? Becasue when we get to a campsite we can dump this, then we can go walkies, right? Rodney Del, we could have booked a ho... Oh, bloody 'ell! I don't believe that I've got... Alight, on one condition. Del Alright, sir, what is the condition? Rodney No curries! Del Alright, no curries son. Come on then. Let's go'n see America! Hey, hey! INT. DAY. MAC'S OFFICE. Mac looks from his window and laughs. EXT. DAY. CAR LOT. Del pulls the camper onto the empty highway but he is driving on the left-hand side of the road. Del Here we go, Rodders! He is driving away from camera and towards a brow of a hill. We hear Del singing. Del (OS) 'Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas is the one I'm gonna see. The Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me.' Rodney (OS) (screams in alarm) Deeelll! A car appears from over the hill on the same side of the road as the Trotters. Del's camper is still on the left-hand side of the road. The other car is passing on the opposite side of the road. We hear the driver call out to Del. Man (OS) You jerk! Del (OS) Get over, you dipstick! Rodney (OS) You're on the wrong side of the road! Del (OS) Eh? Rodney (OS) They drive on the right-hand side of the road over here! Del (OS) Oh yeah! That's right, yeah. The camper pulls away and moves to the right-hand side of the road. Del, completely dismissing the fact that only three seconds ago he almost wiped himself and Rodney off the face of the earth, begins singing again. Del (Cont'd) 'Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas is the one I'm gonna see. The Yellow Rose of Texas is the only girl for me.' The camper disappears over the brow of the hill. INT. DAY. MAC'S OFFICE. Mac is now sitting at his desk reading his newspaper. He laughs as he hears the screech of tyres. On the front page we see the headlines: 'MAFIA TRIAL. VINNY "THE CHAIN" OCCHETTI PLEADS FOR BAIL". Music under: A tune very much on the lines of 'The Godfather' theme. We are talking serious Mafiosi. EXT. DAY. THE OCCHETTI MANSION. The white painted mansion is surrounded by finely manicured lawns. A long, sweeping drive leads up to the front steps of the house. The vision suggests tennis courts, swimming pool and twenty or so bedrooms. The propery is protected by a high wall and shrubs. A large set of electonically operated wrought iron gates guard the entrance to the drive and property. This is the home of Don Vincenzo 'Vinny the chain' Occhetti, the 45-year old head of the most powerful Mafia family. He is the Don of Dons - Marlon Brando would call him sir. The Occhetti family and their soldiers are all third and fourth generation Italian- Americans and so, despite their Italian names, speak pure American. We see the magnificent house which is bathed in Florida sunshine. We see four of the Don's soldiers sitting and lounging around on the steps or walls of the house. Three of them are jacketless and are wearing shoulder holsters (All the soldiers wear dark suits and sunglasses). One of the soldiers (Pauly) who is wearing his jacket and appears to be in a position of authority is standing a distance away from the others. His two-way radio crackles into life. Then he calls to the other three, one of whom is a tall, thin man and is always referred to as 'Lurch'. Pauly answers the radio. Pauly (On radio) Yeah, what is it? Right. Pauly calls to the other three. Pauly (Cont'd) Hey, Lurch, Tony, Gino. Smarten up. The DOn's left the courthouse. The other two men put their jackets on and tighten their ties. They now produce pump-action shotguns from behind walls. We see the electronic gates opening and two other soldiers standing guard. Now a cavalcade of five black limosines glides through the gates. It is made up of two sedans at front and two sedans at rear. In centre is a black stretch-limo with darkened windows. The cavalcade purrs up the driveway and stops in front of the house. Armed soldiers alight from cars and assume guard positions. Rico Occhetti, the Don's 24-year old son, alights from the front passenger seat of the stretch limo. He opens the back door of the car. Don Vincenzo Occhetti alights. He wears a light coloured three-piece suit with two thick gold chains hanging across his waistcoat (his trade mark). He now straightens and we see that Don Occhetti bears a striking resemblance to Derek Trotter. The man though, has a dark and sinister soul. His hard unsmiling face holds a menace. He is used to getting his own way and he is given to thumping tables and issuing contracts on people's lives when refused. We shall discover that he is also a desperate man after being trapped by the law for his immoral business activities and violent excesses. He is the kind of man who can turn from the benign calm of your favourite uncle to the screaming tantrums of your worst brat nephew in the click of a switchblade. His voice is pitched about the same level as Del's but bears strong Chicago overtones. His skin is more tanned than Del's thanks to the Florida sunshine. Don Occhetti surveys his kingdom and then reacts. We see an unmarked car parked outside the main gates. Two en are standing by the car. Don Rico. Rico Yeah,Pop? Don Who are those goons in the car? Rico Police surveillance, Pop, nothing to worry about. Don Nothing to worry about?? I got cops sitting outside my front gate and there's nothing to worry about! What's happened to my civil rights? Rico (QUietly) Well, they kinda diminished after they arrested you, Pop, but you've been released on bail so be happy. Don Be happy! Be happy, huh? In one week from now I got a jury sitting in judgment on me, looks like I may spend the rest of my life in San Quentin and my son wants to throw a party! Whaddaya, huh, whaddaya? I wanna speak to my lawyer, now! As Don Occhetti moves towards the house, Rico calls to the family lawyer Salvatore, a dark suited man of about 40 who is standing a respectful distance away, armed with nothing more than a suitcase. Rico (Calls) Salvatore. He gestures towards the house. Rico and Sal follow the Don across the courtyard to the house. INT. DAY. THE LARGE HALL OF MANSION. The interior of the house is decorated mainly with white or light colours and with the finest wallpapers, rugs, paintings, gold light fittings and furnished with fine antiques. It is the very height of opulence. The shutters are closed against the searing sunshine and so the house is darkened - like the souls of those who inhabit it. Don Occhetti enters through the front door followed by Rico and Salvatore. Don (The kind uncle) Salvatore... Sal Don Occhetti. Don Ah, Salvatore, haven't I always been good to you? Sal Yes, Do Occhetti. Don Haven't I always done favours for your family? Sal Yes, Don Occhetti. Don Have I ever done you any harm? Sal Well, there was that time when... A look from Rico stops Sal's speech. Sal No, Don Occhetti. Don Hmm, so maybe this time, er, Salvatore you can help me because, erm, I'm a little confused. This is the way I read the situation. You are my lawyer. Correct? Sal Yes, Don Occhetti. Don Yet, here I am looking at three to four life sentences in the slammer. (Now the brat) So why in hell don't you get off your ass and bury this rap? Sal (Gulps back his fear) Well, you see, we're having problems proving your innocence. Don Why? Sal 'Cos you're guilty. Sal realises what e has said and tries to correct. Sal (Cont'd) Oh no, when I say guilty what I mean is... Don (Interrupting) Guilty of what? Rico Kidnapping, drug-smuggling, accessory to three counts of murder. Gossip, Pop, just gossip. Don Hmm, so... so I made a few mistakes in the past, you now, I mean to say - nobody's perfect. Rico and Sal nod in agreement. Don Now you listen to me - when my father... (Does the sign of the cross) God bless that man's spirit, when he arrived on these shores from Sicily in 1930, this was a land of democracy and law and order. Now he fought to change all that, but look at us now, huh? What have all his efforts amounted to, huh? Zilch, that's what. Zilcho! Salvatore - you call your- self a lawyer? You're a schmuck! And that goes for you too, Rico. Don Occhetti now begins moving up the stairs with Rico and Sal in pursuit. Don If your mother was alive today... (Does the sign of the cross) God bless that woman's soul, she would disown you. Rico Come on, Pop! They move along the corridor towards the Don's suite of rooms. The Don is on the move. Don I tell you this, Rico, huh. I never thought I'd see the day when a son of mine would be willing to stand back and watch his own father spend the rest of his life in the state pen sharing meatloaves with the faggots, huh! They enter the Don's suite. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. We are in a sumptuously decorated office with an antique desk and leather Chesterfield suite. To the left, two doors lead off. One leads to his bedroom. The second door leads to a bathroom/gymnasium. Hanging on the walls and standing on pieces of furniture are various photos. There is also a large oil portrait in a gilt frame of Don Occhetti. There is a large antique globe of the world which has been converted into a cocktail cabinet. Again, the room is shaded. Don Occhetti enters, continuing his speech from landing. Don Shall I tell you what'll happen if I go down? All the families'll be carving up our empire like dogs fight- ing over a weenie roast. Every Marielito-punk from Little Havana will be tryin' to get a slice of the action! And what about the Columbian, uh? Sal What Columbian? Don What Columbian he says! Rico What are you a jerk, Salvatore? Don Just sit down, will ya? Sit down. Next week Señor Vasquez arrives here from Columbia to settle our little deal. What d'you think he's gonna do if he thinks I've gone down the tube? I'm getting very worried, Salvatore, I'm getting very nervous about the future. Don Occhetti lets out an enormous burp. Don (Cont'd) D'you hear that? Rico and Sal nod. Don (Cont'd) That's peptic gas that's caused by nervous exhaust- ion! What ever happened to the ancient Sicilian traditions of bribery, blackmail and intimidation? Huh? The Don opens the globe cocktail cabinet and pours him- self a spoonful of medicine. He reacts to the vile taste. Sal This is not a local police investigation. This is the FBI and we can't pay those guys off. Rico The jury is locked up in a guarded hotel, the witnesses got round the clock protection, we just can't reach anybody. Don Then maybe I ought to do something about it myself, then, huh? Rico You can't, Pop. The police surveillance team is watching every move you make, they even got a TV camera crew filming you for a documentary. Don They're filming me? What d'they think I am, a common criminal or something? Rico and Sal shrug. Don (Cont'd) Now you listen to me. Rico, I want you to take some money from the family account and I want you to buy me a DA - you buy me the judge - you buy me the senator. A lot of people in this town owe me favours. I want these favours returned. Rico We've tried, but so far there have been no takers. It looks like people are turning their backs on you. Don That is a very impolite and highly dangerous thing to do! Now, what I want you to do - I want you to keep searching and I want you to keep thinking. Because somewhere - somewhere out there - lies the answer to my problems. EXT. DAY. A SIGHTSEEING BOAT IN BISCAYNE BAY. From the Don's last words we cut to Del laughing uproariously. He is now wearing a 'Miami Heats' basketball cap. Rodney is next to Del and is also laughing but in a more self-conscious way. In the background we see a sign which reads: 'Star Tours. See the stars' hoes. Julio Iglesias. The Bee Gees. Gloria Estefan.' We see the object of their merriment is a buxom young girl. Del Ha ha - look at the state of that! You wouldn't go near that unless you had all your own teeth, would you, Rodders, eh? Rodney (Laughing) Shuddup, you'll get us nicked! The girl lights a cigarette. Del Look! Look at her now, look - they say smoking's bad for your chest! Skipper (On tannoy) Biscayne Bay is the centre of the Florida Coast Guards Service. As you may now, Miami has been nick- named Cocainesville and the officers of Biscayne Bay fight an all year round battle with the drug-runners. And coming up on your left, you will see the home of Barry Gibb, the lead singer of the Bee Gees. From our boat we see a figure hosing the garden. Del Look! Look there, look! Look, Rodders, there's a real-life Bee Gee. Rodney Course it ain't! He's most probably the gardener! Del No, no, it's him, it's him, it's Barry Gibbs. It is! (Shouting) Alright Bazza? Eh? Rodney Shuddup, will you? That's not him! Del It is! EXT. DAY. JETTY. The figure has his back to us and in background, we can hear Del singing loudly. Del (OOV) 'How deep is your love, is your love, how deep is your love...' Barry Gibb turns into shot. Barry Gibb (Mumbling to himself) I need all this! Barry Gibb walks out of shot. EXT.DAY. SIGHTSEEING BOAT. Del No, I reckon you was right, Rodders, it weren't him, most probably the gardener! Rodney Yeah, what did I say? EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT. The lot is filled with Mercs ad Cadillacs etc, and also two black sedans which should look familiar. The camper pulls in next to the sedan and Del and Rodney alight. By now they have managed to wash and put on a change of clothes - Del no longer wears the hat and glasses. They get out and check the doors are locked. Del is facing the nightclub as if it's a personal challenge. Del That's it. Come on, Rodney, bellies in. Rodney Del, I still think it would be a better idea if we were to drive to the camper site now and book in first. Del Rodney, look - it's only quarter to eight, there's plenty of time to get in the old camp-site. Rodney Yeah, there's also plenty of time for you to get drunk after we've booked in. Del Get drunk? Get drunk? You enjoy putting me down, don't you, eh? You think that I'm just a one-dimensional sort of person, don't you? Well you're wrong! The only reason I want to go in to that club is to make a telephone call because I promised Raquel that I'd phone her as soon as we arrived. Rodney indicates across the road. Rodney And what's wrong with the public call box over there? Del Well, you can't get a drink in there, can you? Come on! Rodney Oh - what are we gonna do with our luggage? Del Well, I'll tell you what - why don't we bring it with us and we can put it in the middle of the dance floor and boogy around it like them sorts do at the Nag's Head when they have a disco with their handbags! Rodney No need to be sarky about it! They walk on before Rodney reacts. Rodney (Cont'd) Oi - what are you talking about 'disco' and 'boogying'? Del, I am not boogying! Del shouts from the entrance of the club. Del Rodney, please keep your voice down! Remember we're supposed to be ambassadors for our country! Don't want these people thinking we're lager louts, do we? (To a couple who are passing by) Excuse me - mais oui, mais oui. INT. NIGHT. THE NIGHTCLUB. It is quite crowded, people drinking at bar, others eating at tables, two couples smooch on the dance floor. We see Del and Rodney enter and push their way to the bar. Del (Calling barman) Eh, Juan! Over here, Juan. When you're ready, son. Francisco, the club owner approaches. Del has his back to him at this moment and so the only face he can see is that of Rodney. Francisco Excuse me, gentlemen. I'm sorry but this club is for members only. Del turns to face him. Del You what? Francisco reacts, believing he has just insulted Don Vincenzo Occhetti. Francisco I am so sorry Señor, I did not realise it was you! Del and Rodney look behind them to see who he is talk- ing to. Francisco Please accept my deepest and sincerest apologies. Francisco kisses Del's hand. Del and Rodney look at each other. Del clenches his fist - Rodney restrains him. Francisco (Cont'd) I am honoured that you should choose to visit my humble nightclub. Please, may I offer you a drink? Del Yes, yeah, we'll have a cubre libra and something non- alcoholic. Francisco Of course. Del Yeah, and we'll be sitting over there, alright? Francisco I will be with you immediately! Del and Rodney move to a table as Francisco goes to get their drinks. Del What was all that about then? Rodney God knows! Friendly sort of bloke, weren't he? Del Oh, yeah. We cut away to table on the far side of club. Here we find Rico, Salvatore, Pauly, Lurch and Tony. They are finishing a meal and involved in a dark and brooding conversation. Rico There's gonna be a war! Sal Maybe not. Rico The only thing that can prevent it is for you to find an alibi for my father. Sal I don't have to find your father an alibi! I have to find him nine alibis! How the hell am I supposed to do that in a week? Rico How can the justice depart- ment can treat him like this. Don't they know who he is? Sal Yeah, that's the problem! Rico You mark my word, Salvatore, the moment the jury foremen says, 'Guilty' the war begins. Sal Maybe not. Rico Why d'you keep saying 'maybe not'? What d'you think the rest of the Families are gonna sit back on their butts and pretend the old man is still in control? They're gonna go to war! Am I right, Pauly? Pauly You're right, Rico. Rico Am I right, Tony? Tony You're right, Rico. Rico Am I right, Lurch? Lurch Maybe not. Rico (To Sal) You see? (Reacts to Lurch) There's gonna be a war! Francisco arrives at the table. He is carrying a tray with Del and Rodney's drinks. Francisco Señor Ricardo. Rico Francisco, can't you see I'm in a meeting here? Francisco I am sorry to interrupt, Señor but I would like to explain if I'd known he was coming here tonight I would have arranged a private room. Rico If you'd known who was coming ere tonight! Francisco Your father? Rico My father? Pauly Is this some kind of joke, Frankie? Don Occhetti is under virtual house arrest. He can't go to the john without the police tailing him. Francisco But he is here! See for yourself. Francisco indicates towards corner table. Rico, Sal, Pauly , Lurch and Tony rise fro the table and peer over and through the crowd towards corner table. We have a shot from their POV of Del sitting at a table lighting a cigar. We see the Mafia's reaction to this mirage. They now lower themselves and disappear from view behind the crowd. Cut away to corner table. Francisco arrives with the drinks. Del Oh, lovely jubbly. How much do we owe you? Francisco Please, it is on the house, you are my guests. Would you like to eat? Rodney Oh, no thanks, we had something earlier. Francisco I see. If there is anything that you should require, as always, I am at your service. Francisco exits. Del Big mouth! I expect the grubs most probably been free an' all! Rodney Course it wouldn't! Del Listen, Rodney, d'you know what we're dealing with here? Rodney What? Del American hospitality! They're famous for it, they are. The most friendliest people in the entire world. We cut away to the Mafia table. Tony is listening on the mobile phone. Tony is eagerly awaiting the phone to be answered. Tony Come on, come on. The phone is answered. Tony (Cont'd) Yo, Gino! It's Tony... Yeah - is the Don there? (Pause. To Rico) He's in the pool. Rico snatches the phone away from Tony. Rico Can you actually see him? Good! (The phone is answered) Dad's at home, the guy over there ain't him! (On phone) Listen carefully. Tell my father to stay in his room till I get back tonight... Just tell him I might have a surprise for him. Rico turns the phone off and smiles smugly. We cut away to corner table. Del has finished his drink. Del I tell you what - I'm boiling! Rodney That's strange, that. I mean, here you are in a tropical climate, wearing a worsted polyester blue serge suit and you feel hot? Del (Uncertain) Yeah. Rodney Weird... He is interrupted by the arrival of the Mafia. They smile benignly at Del and Rodney except for Sal who appears nervous and reluctant to party to this. Rico Hi, how are you guys doing? Del Yeah, alright. Yeah - a great time. Thank you. Rico Good. Let me guess. You're not local people. Rodney No, no we're here on holiday. Rico looks at Sal. Sal Vacation. Rico Oh, vacation! Yeah, yeah, I thought as much. Well, welcome to America. Del Yeah, well, thanks very much, son. Tony We don't get many Australians round here. Del Look, we're not Australian, right? Rodney We are British. Rico British! We love the British! Are you, erm, living locally? Del Well, no. No, we've got one of them camper things out there in the street, you know. We just whack our bags and what have you in the back and off we go. During the next exchange we see Tony talking quietly to Lurch. Lurch leaves the club. Pauly It's the best way to see the country. Del Yeah, well, I mean - you can't whack it, can you? Rico (Confused) No, like you say, you can't whack it. So can I get you guys a drink? Del Er, well, er, no... Sal (Quietly) I don't think this is wise, Rico. Rodney You see the thing is, we've gotta drive over to the camping site... sorry, the camper-park, before it closes, you see. Pauly Oh come on, you must have time for one! Del Well, we can have one, Rodney, what do you reckon, eh? Rodney Yeah, go on then. Del Yeah, we'll have a drink with you - let's introduce ourselves. This is my brother Rodney, and my name's Del - that's er, short for Derek. Rico Hi, Rodney... Derek. I'm Rico. This is my cousin Salvatore and our friend Pauly. Greetings and handshakes all round. Sal Are you enjoying your stay so far? Del Oh yes, er, great. No, we're having a blinding time. Rico Why don't you join us? EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT. We see the black sedan's trunk open. Lurch, with a jemmy, leaves the back doors of the camper open. He now takes the Trotters' suitcases and hand-luggage from camper and places them in the trunk of the sedan. He closes the trunk and, leaving camper doors open, returns to the nightclub. INT. NIGHT. THE NIGHTCLUB. It is an hour and something later. Del, who has had slightly too much to drink, and Rodney are standing and about to leave. Lurch is now part of the group again. Rico Come on, come on, you've got time for one more! One more... Rodney (Checking watch) No, no, really. We're pushing our luck as it is. Del No, he's right, Rico. He's right. Pauly Come on, one for the road. Tony Yeah, guys, come on, you got time for one more... Del Alright, go on then, have one for the road. Rodney No, no, Del. No, come on mate, cos that campsite's gonna be shut and we're gonna be locked out for the night. Rico I didn't realise it was so late. We've gotta be going soon. They all stand. Rico (Cont'd) Well, Rodney - Del Boy! Del Rico! Well, thanks very much! It's been really really great meeting you guys, it really has. Thanks a lot and er, we've enjoyed your company and everything. Now we gotta go - we'll see you later then, yeah? Thanks a lot - yeah it's been great. There are general goodbyes from everyone. Del and Rodney exit. EXT. NIGHT. NIGHTCLUB PARKING LOT. Del and Rodney exit from the club. Del What a blinding night, eh, Rodders? Eh? Rodney Nice bunch of blokes weren't they? Del Well, they were diamonds, weren't they? I mean they were absolute forty two carat diamonds. I mean, there we was drinking with them all night, never had to put our hands in our pockets, did we? Rodney sees the camper and runs to it. Del follows. Del What's the matter, Rodders? Rodney, what's happened? What's the matter? Rodney emerges from the back of van. Rodney It's all gone! Del What? Rodney They've nicked everything! Our suitcases, our flight bags, the duty frees, the lot! Del Oh no! I don't believe it! I just do not believe it! I mean, we was only in there half an hour! Well, four hours! I mean... Oh, I mean, what's gonna happen, eh? I mean, how we gonna get home? Rodney Now, Del, don't panic! Del Eh? Rodney (Gesturing to inside pocket) Listen, I took the passports, the flight tickets - I took 'em in there with us. Del Rodney. Oh Rodney - you are a saint, mate, you are a saint! Well done! Where's the money? Rodney I left that in the van. Del You plonker, Rodney! Rodney You told me to leave it! Del Me? Rodney Yes! And you told me to leave the luggage in the back! Del Yeah, well... why didn't you use your own initiative, then, eh? Rodney 'Cos I didn't even wanna go in to that bloody club! Del Yeah, alright, alright then! Calm down, just calm down then will you? Cor, stone me! I don't know... How much money we got then between us? They both search their pockets and produce a few dollars. Del What's that? Rodney counts the combined ammount. Rodney Right - thirty two dollars! Right, now what can we get for thirty two dollars? Del Mugged! Rico, Sal, Pauly, Tony and Lurch exit from the club and approach Del and Rodney. Rico Hey, you guys still here? Let me guess, you decided to come back and have that one for the road! You son... Del No, I wish we had, Rico, I wish we had. No, we're thinking of going to the police! Rico Why? You gotta problem? Rodney Yeah, we've been robber. Pauly You're kidding! Del No, I wish we was, Pauly! I wish we was... Rodney They broke into the van while we were in the club. They've taken everything! Lurch Oh gee, that is just too bad! Rodney Yeah... Rico God, I feel so embarrassed. You've just arrived in this country and this happens! What a welcome. Del Oh don't worry - it's just one of them things, ain't it, son? Tony So what are you guys gonna do? Del I don't know what we're gonna do. I mean, you know, we got no money, we got no clothes, we got no duty frees, we got nothing. Rodney We're just gonna have to go down to the police and get them to sort it out. Rico Oh, save your breath, Rodney. The cops'll do diddly squat! They don't know their ass from first base. But Salvatore here's a lawyer. (To Sal) Maybe you could talk to some of your friends in the DA's office. Sal (Still reluctant) Yeah, first thing in the morning. Del Could you do that, Salvatore? That would be very nice of you, wouldn't it, Rodders, eh? Rodney Yeah. Rico And in the meantime you two guys are coming home with me. EXT. NIGHT. DON OCCHETTI'S MANSION. We see the two sedans containing Del, Rodney, Rico, Sal, Pauly, Tony and Lurch screech past the gates and up towards the house. We see the guards at the gate. Del and Rodney stare in awe at the property. They look at each other in silent disbelief. The car pulls up at the front doors of the house and everyone alights. Rodney Is this your place, Rico? Rico It belongs to my family. Inside his suite, the Don watches them arrive on the security monitor. Del Very nice. Del and Rodney follow Rico across the courtyard, past the swimming pool. Del What line of business you in? Rico We're in... er... insurance. And imports. Del Oh, what imports and exports? Rico No, just imports. INT. NIGHT. THE HALL OF MANSON. Rico leads Del and Rodney in. Gino is in the hall. Rico Well, this is it! Welcome! An intercom rings and Rico answers it. Rico (Into intercom) Yo? Don (Distorted) Rico, I want you up here - fast! Rico I'll be right up. (Replacing receiver. To Del and Rodney) I'll show you to our guest suite. Del (Quietly to Rodney) Guest suite! We've fallen on our feet here, bruv. INT. NIGHT.DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE/STUDY. Don Occhetti is angrily pacing the floor. Rico and Sal enter. Rico You see 'em? Don Yeah, course I saw them and I heard them! What are you doing bringing Australians home, huh? Sal No, they're not Australian. They're a couple of English guys, over here on vacation. We've put 'em in the guest suite. Don Limeys? What are you doing bringing Limeys in to my house? You know that I hate Limeys. Rico We met 'em at the club on Coco Walk. Don Now, wait a minute. What are you doing picking up guys in bars? Huh? What is it with you two? Are you getting light on your feet? Is it too much air in your Nikes, or what? Rico Listen to me, Pop. These two blokes could be the answer to your prayers. One of them is a dead-ringer for you. Even Francisco at the club thought he was serving you. Don Look, I saw them here on the security monitor - I saw no similarity whatsoever. He's much taller than me - he's a thinner guy altogether. Sal No, the other one. Don You mean... you mean the squirty little dude with the polecat face? Sal Yeah. Don Ah, I see, Salvatore, Salvatore, this is your lucky day. 'Cos I'm in a good mood I'm only gonna break one of your legs! And because you're a member of the family, I'm gonna do it slowly! Rico Come on, Pop, it was dark outside - you couldn't see them clearly. Tell him... Rico gestures to Sal. Sal It's true, Don Occhetti, this guy looks just like you. Don You know, last year I went to the zoo and Is saw a camel that looked just like your mother but I didn't invite it home and put it in the guest suite! So, there's a guy who looks like me! What's the big deal? Rico I'll tell you what the big deal is. Imagine this guy dressed up in all your clothes. Don In my clothes! What's the matter with you - are you outta your mind, or what? Rico We dress the Limey up in your clothes and we take him out to eat at a nice restaurant. Now, while he's having lunch, in full public view, somebody blows him away. Rico mimes a gun to head. Sal This is something I do not advise! Rico Everybody will think that the other Families have had you killed! Even the police surveillance team would be a witness. Don't you see what this means, Pop? Don What? Rico (To Sal) Tell him, Sal... Sal In the eyes of America there will be no more Don Occhetti! No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial. No more trials equals no more prison sentence. Rico And while we mourn your passing you sneak off to Rio for a couple of years. Long enough for your plastic surgery to heal and come back as Uncle... Sal Carlo. Rico Carlo from New Jersey and take over the family business. Don Occhetti becomes emotional. Don Rico, sometimes during my life I have doubted that you were my child. Some- times I thought that maybe the hospital had screwed up and given us the baby of a family from Pittsburgh. But I take it all back. You are definitely my son! (Hugging Rico) It's brilliant - It's wonderful! It also means one less Limey in the world. Rico Two, Pop. We're giving his brother a one-way ticket also. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RODNEY'S SUITE. This is a luxurious twin-bedded room with en suite bathroom. Rodney is alone in the room, seated on the bed, watching TV and pressing the remote control button so we continually get the sound and pictures of various American channels. Rodney is like a kid with a new toy. Del enters from the en suite bathroom. Del Rodney - have you had a butcher's at the bog? It's solid marble, it is, Rodney. None of that stick- on gear that you get down at the DIY. No, this is the real McCoy. Oh, someone up there loves us. Rodney Sssh. I'm up to channel forty-nine. Del Yeah, how many channels are there then? Rodney I don't know, that's what I'm researching. Del Good boy, I always said you should be a scientist. Oh look at this! (Referring to the room) Can't be bad, can it, eh? Look at this! He jumps on the bed. INT. NIGHT. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. Don Don't let these Limey's call home. I don't want anybody knowing about this address. Sal Lurch's cutting all the phones, except our business line. Rico So, as far as everyone in jolly old England is concerned, those two guys have vanished off the ace of the earth. Don They can blame it on the Bermuda Triangle! They all laugh. Rico Or the Twilight Zone. There is now uproarious laughter. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RODNE'S ROOM. Del We have struck gold here, son. Rodney Oh, not many. We'll have to show Rico our gratitude you know. Get him a little present or something. Del Yeah, yeah, we'll do that. We've got no money. Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid. Oh, blimey! Eh - we'd better phone in to HQ. Raquel'll be going spare! Del picks up the telephone receiver. Del (Cont'd) Oh, the lines' dead. Rodney Well, do that. Rodney rattles the phone's on/off button rapidly. Del Why? Rodney 'Cos, that's the way they do in American films. Del Oh yes. Del rattles the on/off button. Del (Cont'd) No, still dead look. Rico enters carrying a bundle of clothing. Rico is still wiping tears of laughter from his face. Rico There you go, Derek. These are my... er... uncle's clothes, I think they'll fit you, he's about the same size as you. Del Yes, well, thanks. Very nice. Oh er, Rico I don't wanna be a pain, but, Rodney's - he's got nothing to wear. Rico That's okay, we've got a guy works here who's about Rodney's build, he'll lend you some of his clothes. (Picking up intercom) Lurch? Rodney Lurch! Saucy berk! Del Rodney, don't be so ungrateful! Rico (Into intercom) Tell... er... Gino to bring up some of his clothes. (To Rodney) Piece of cake. Del Oh, by the way, the old dog's knackered. Rico What? Rodney The telephone's not working. Rico Oh... Yeah, the telephone. A couple of days ago we had a tropical storm, the whole area's out. Don't worry though, they'll be back soon. Listen, you guys get some sleep because what say tomorrow I take you out to my favourite restaurant? A day on the town. Del Lovely jubbly. Rico (Confused by 'lovely jubbly') ... Yeah. It's a nice little Italian joint. The food is out of this world. Believe me, Del, this place will kill you. (Referring to clothes) Oh by the way, wear this suit and the chains. Rico is holding one of Don Occhetti's thick gold chains. He hands it to Del. Rico (Cont'd) It'll make you look real business like. Del Oh yes, yeah, course. This is very me, this, Rico. 'Cos back home in England I am a yuppy. Ain't I, Rodney? Rodney Er... yeah. Rico That's cool Well, nighty- nite. Del Yeah, nighty-nite. Rodney Night. Rico exits. Del He is such a nice bloke, ain't he? They broke the mould when they made him, you know. Rodney (Now a worry) Yeah! Look, Del, don't think I'm getting paranoid or nothing, but... Well, did you notice them really tough couple of tough looking blokes down by the gate when we drove in? Del Yeah. Rodney And there was that one downstairs an all? Del Well, yeah, so what? Rodney Well... it's most probably ridiculous, but, you don't think that Rico might be... Del What? Rodney A noofter! Del A noofter...! No, he's Italian, ain't he? You can't have an Italian noofter, it's a well known medical fact! Rodney But they're all blokes! Del Well, I know that, that's because he's like... he's a man's man, ain't he, eh? I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney. He's a little gold nugget. Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney. A little gold nugget! EXT. DAY. PECKHAM. THE CHRCH (ST MARK'S). We see Raquel pushing Damien in his pram past the church. She stops and looks in bewilderment to some- thing happening within the church grounds. We cut to show an articulated lorry with Romanian number plates and letting parked in the grounds. The vicar who christened Damien is standing by the lorry and blessing it. The Romanian lorry driver lounges against the lorry cab smoking a cigarette. Vicar In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy spirit, Bless you... Raquel Reverend? Vicar Amen. Raquel. I'm glad I've met you. I was going to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone. Raquel Del? But Del's in Miami. Vicar Miami? Oh dear! Raquel Reverend, excuse me for asking, but why are you blessing a Romanian lorry? Vicar I'm not blessing the lorry, it's the contents. Didn't Derek mention it to you? Raquel No, he didn't sa... Just a minute. Has this got some- thing to do with Derek? Vicar Well, yes. He did a time and motion study of the blessing of the wine and came up with the novel idea of doing it en-masse, as it were. Then I distribute it to other churches through- out England. Raquel Oh hell! Oh, I'm sorry. Vicar It's been a real money saver, especially as Del sells it to us so cheap. There's just one rather major problem. It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling. Raquel Romanian Riesling! Vicar Yes. White wine. The communion wine is supposed to be red. It represents the... Raquel (Cutting in) The blood of Christ! Vicar Exactly! The other churches are returning their cases - daily! I don't want to alarm you, Raquel, but you may be getting a call from the Archbishop of Canterbury's office. Raquel Oh God! Vicar That's what I keep saying! EXT. DAY. BOULEVARD/EXT. MANSION GROUNDS. Parked in the boulevard is a van bearing the insignia of a local TV news company. One of the two camera crew is standing on a set of step ladders and looking over the wall of the mansion through a pair of binoculars. The second is seated on the sidewalk holding a professional video camera. 1st News Person (On ladders) Hey, we got some action - gimme that camera. The 2nd news person hands the camera up. 2nd News Person Is it Occhetti? Ist News Person No, it's his son and one of the gorillas... Wait a minute! EXT. DAY. OCCHETTI'S MANSION. Pauly and Rico exit. Pauly with a black bag, goes towards a boat. We see Del, Rodney and Sal exit from the mansion followed by three of the soldiers (Tony, Lurch and Gino). Rodney is now wearing some of Lurch's clothes. Del is wearing the same light coloured, three piece suit, complete with the thick gold chain that we saw Don Occhetti wearing when we first became acquainted with him. Del Here... (Referring to suit) What d'you reckon, then, Rico? Eh? Eh, look at that - it fits like a dream, don't it? Rico studies Del critically, assuring himself that Del will pass as his father. Rico Perfect, Del, just perfect. Rodney Hey, there's a bloke over there with a camera. From Rodney's POV we see the cameraperson filming them from over a wall. Del and Rodney both smile towards the camera. Del Oh yeah! Del gives the camera the thumbs up. Del (Cont'd) Alright, pal? Who's that then, Rico? Rico is pleased that Don Occhetti's last movements are being recorded. Rico Who knows? Tourists maybe. I'm starving, let's eat. Del Yeah, and me. Lovely jubbly. Rico reacts to 'lovely jubbly'. They move off towards the cars. EXT. DAY. STREET OPPOSITE RESTAURANT. We now see the unmarked police car. One of the policemen takes the camera and runs off a couple of shots. The other officer is in radio- contact with the station. 1st Officer (On radio) Twenty-nine thirty. Radio Response Twenty-nine thirty Q-S-K. 1st Officer We're on South Bay and Fairisle. Occhetti and the boys have stopped off for lunch at Carlotti's restaurant. Radio Response One-three-two -five. Miami Q-S-L. INT. DAY. THE RESTAURANT. It is quite busy with lunchtime diners. The chairs are high-backed and padded leather. There is a table by the edge of the water. Six people are at this table and in the middle of their lunch. Del and Rodney enter with Rico and the boys. The owner, Señor Carlotti, sees what he believes is Don Occhetti. He approaches Del with great respect and fear. Señor Carlotti Don Occhetti. Del and Rodney think this is a greeting. Del Don Occhetti to you, too. Rodney Don Occhetti. Señor Carlotti (Slightly fazed) I am so happy you have honoured me with your presence here today. On behalf of my family and myself I thank you deeply. Señor Carlotti kisses Del's hand. Rodney and Del look at each other. They assume this is another example of American hospitality. Del S'alright. Oh, s'alright, you know. Puscas, Puscas. Señor Carlotti doesn't understand this but is too frightened to ask. Señor Carlotti I'll prepare for you a table. Would you like to have a drink at the bar? Del Yes, yes, thank you very much, Señor - I've got a diabolical thirst. Señor Carlotti Excuse me... Señor Carlotti moves away to bar. We see Rico has moved into the restaurant to look for the boat. INT. DAY. THE RESTAURANT. The Trotters and the Mafia are seated at table by the water (Del at head of table, Rodney opposite him). They are halfway through their first course. The previous diners are now at another table. Del is eating an Italian dish called Gnocchi which contains potato dumplings. Señor Carlotti arrives with a bottle of wine which he proceeds to uncork as he speaks. Señor Carlotti (Respectfully to Del) Is everything to your satis- faction, Señor? Del It's lovely, Juan. Blinding dumplings. Señor Carlotti now hands the cork to Del. Señor Carlotti Señor? Del doesn't know what to do with the cork. Del Yeah... that's a lovely- looking cork, innit? Rodney (Whispers) You're supposed to test the bouquet! Del Oh! Del is still not sure what to do. Finally, he sucks the cork. Del (Cont'd) Thank you. We see Rodney's reaction. Then we see the reaction of Rico and Sal. They are fearful that Del will blow the scam. Del reacts to the corky taste. Del (Cont'd) (Out of sheer politeness) Oh yes, lovely jubbly. Pour on, Macduff. Señor Carlotti seems slightly fazed by the experience. Señor Carlotti Grazi, Señor. INT. DAY. THE BOAT. The boat is approaching the restaurant. We see Pauly on board. He starts to assemble his gun. INT. DAY. RESTAURANT. Knowing that the assassination is about to take place and not wishing to be in the vicinity of any ricochets, Rico and the others have to make their excuses and get the hell out. Rico Excuse me, Del... I gotta go to the john. Del Do one for me, son, will you? Del laughs. Tony I've gotta go check the plumbing as well. Sal I gotta go too. Lurch And me. Del and Rodney are mystified as Rico, Sal and the three soldiers exit like a swarm towards the men's room. Rodney I hope it ain't catching! Del Must have been them enchil- adas they had last night. (Raising his glass) Cheers, bruv. Rodney Cheers, Del. EXT. BOAT. We see Pauly still assembling his high power rifle. INT. DAY. MEN'S ROOM (RESTAURANT). We find the five Mafioso huddled by the entrance door checking their watches and waiting for the sound of gunfire and screams, etc. Rico Any time now... The door now opens and thumps into the mafia. The 1st diner (one of those who had to move to another table) enters and reacts to finding these strange men in the toilet. Rico (Embarrassed) How ya doing? 1st Diner (Worried) Fine, thank you, fine. Sal We're just talking. 1st Diner Er, sorry to interrupt. Sal Oh no, no - you're not interrupting. Lurch (Referring to urinals - a gruff order) Well hurry up, just do it! 1st Diner Oh. EXT. DAY. BOAT. During Del's next speech we see Pauly bringing the telescope sight up to his eye. We see a shot through the sight. INT. DAY. RESTAURANT. Del has moved forward to pick up another dumpling on his spoon. Rodney (Embarrassed. A quiet warning) Don't pick it up with your spoon! Use a fork! Del Don't be stupid, Rodney, it'd roll off a fork, wouldn't it? No, as I was saying, I've always had this gift. Where ever I go in the world people have always just taken to me. Rodney What d'you mean, wherever you go in the world? You ain't been nowhere! Del No, fair enough, I ain't been nowhere. But, I mean, where ever I have been people have always taken to me. EXT. DAY. BOAT. The crossed hairs are centered on Del's forehead again. The finger depresses the trigger. INT.DAY. THE RESTAURANT. Del I mean, you take this holiday, for example. I mean, alright, the first night we arrived we was ripped off - we lost everything. But then I bumped into young Rico and he immediately took to me. I don't know what it is - people always seem to like me, I just don't know why. Rodney No, it's got me bewildered an' all. Del (Angrily) Rodney! At this moment, the dumpling falls off his spoon and drops onto the floor. Del ducks down to pick it up, immediately his head has cleared shot the padded leather back of chair, directly where his head had been, explodes, accompan- ied by a very dull thud. Del immediately reappears holding the dumpling and none the wiser. The only person in the entire restaurant who sees this is Rodney whose mouth drops open in disbelief. Del Look at that! I was saving this dumpling to last an all! Blimey, I don't know. Del is about to eat the dumpling when he notices Rodney's expression. Del (Cont'd) What's the matter with you? It's hardly touched the ground, did it? Anyway, the floor was clean! Honestly, you and your hygiene! Rodney Del Boy. Del What? Rodney Somebody just shot you. Del Shot me? Well don't worry, Rodders, I'm feeling much better now. Rodney Del. (Referring to the back of chair) Look. Del What's the matter with you...? Del gets up to see the torn and blackened leather back. Del (Cont'd) (Reacting) Gordon Bennett! In doing so he bumps into Giulio, the waiter, knocking him over, dropping trays etc. A female diner screams in alarm as the plates and trays hit the floor. INT. DAY. MEN'S ROOM (RESTAURANT). Rico, Sal and the boys smile as they hear the commotion from the restaurant. Rico Bingo. 1st Diner (Just zipping up, jokes) Gee, I hope that wasn't my dessert. Lurch How can you joke at a time like this? (Referring to Rico) His father's just been shot. Rico (Reacting) Shuddup, Lurch! The four exit. INT. DAY. THE RESTAURANT. Señor Carlotti and Giulio are clearing away the mess and masking Del. Rico and the boys enter. Rico Oh my God! Somebody call an ambulance. Is he dead? Del stands up. Del No, but is was bloody close, Rico! Rico stares incredulously at this resurrection. Rodney A bullet, right, come out of nowhere and... if he knew how to use a knife and fork he'd be a gonner! Del That's right. That's true. Absolutely. Look, there! I was - I was just sitting there quietly eating me dumplings, right, and then suddenly, whack! Look, a bullet hit the back of me chair. I mean, you don't need it, Rico, do you? I mean, you don't need it, son! Rico is fazed by the whole thing. Rico No, no you certainly do not! INT.NIGHT. PECKHAM. TROTTERS' LOUNGE AND EASTBOURNE /CASS'S HOTEL ROOM. Raquel and Albert sit staring at the TV which isn't switched on. There is a mood of almost mourning in this flat. The telephone rings. It alarms the both of them. Albert Shall I get it, love? Raquel Please! If it's anyone from the Church of England, tell 'em I'm out. Albert answers the telephone. Albert (On phone) Trotters Independent Traders PLC? (Pleased to hear the voice) Yeah, it's me! Where are you? Raquel Is it Del? Albert No, Cassandra. We now intercut between the Trotters' lounge and with Cassandra's hotel room in Eastbourne. Cassandra (On phone) I'm at my hotel in Eastbourne. Have you heard from them yet? Albert (On phone) No, not yet, love. Cassandra (On phone) Oh, Albert, I'm so worried! We don't even know where they're staying! Albert (On phone) Yes we do. Raquel phoned the travel agent. They hired a camper. Cassandra (On phone) A camper? But that means they could be anywhere! Albert tries to allay her fears. Albert (On phone) No, they found the camper. Cassandra (On phone) Oh thank God! Where? Albert (On phone) It was abandoned in a car park. Everything was gone. Their luggage, passports, money, everything. Cassandra (On phone) Oh God! Raquel Give me the phone! You'll worry the poor girl to death, you morbid old goat! Raquel snatches the phone from Albert. Raquel (Cont'd) (On phone) Hello, Cassandra, it's me. Cassandra (On phone) D'you think Rodney's been hurt, Raquel? Raquel (On phone) Of course not. Del's with him. Cassandra (On phone) You don't think he's been arrested, do you? Oh no, Del's with him! Raquel (On phone) Look, don't worry. There's bound to be a simple explanation for Rodney not calling. Cassandra (On phone) Like what? Raquel (On phone) Well... Del's with him! EXT.DAY. MIAMI BEACH. Del and Rico are laid on beach beds wearing swimming costumes. Behind them stand Sal, Pauly, Tony, Lurch and Gino, all wearing dark suits, collar and ties and sunglasses. We see Rodney approaching carrying a tray of drinks. He is wearing a very touristy vest and shorts. Rodney Here you are, chaps. Rodney hands the beers around. Del Oh well done. Is this mine, Rodders? Rodney (To Del) Oh, by the way, the bloke who owns the bar said he offers his deepest respect and his loyalty is beyond question. Del Oh, that's very nice of him. Have I met him? Rodney No. Del Everywhere I go, people seem to be offering me their deepest respect and kissing me and what have you. Rico They're nice people, Del. Hospitable, salt of the earth. Del They certainly seem that way, Rico. Pauly Derek, you ever had a go on one of those? Pauly indicates further along the beach. We see, a few yards away, a number of ski-jets parked on sand and a few people whizzing across the waves on them. Del Have I ever had a go on one of those, Rodney? Rodney Course you ain't! Del No, no, I ain't. Rico You'd like to try? It's no sweat, I know the owner. Del What, me? Have a go on one of those things? Oh dear. No way, Pedro! Rico Come on, Del, there's a first time for... (Reacts) No way, Pedro? Del No, you won't catch me going out on one of them things! Tony And I was always led to believe that you Brits were a seafaring race. Del We are! We gave you the world's greatest sailors, pal. Remember that we gave you Nelson, we gave you Drake, we gave you Columbus. Rodney reacts to the last name. Rico But you're afraid of a few itsy bitsy little waves. Del No, no, I'm not afraid, Rico. No, no, listen don't get me wrong. You see, I got no reason to be afraid 'cos I've got a hundred yards swimming certificate back at home, haven't I, Rodders? Rodney Yeah, he has. Del Alright, OK then. Come on. Let's have a go. Away we go. Come on, then. They all stand. Rodney (Quietly to Del) You sure about this? Del He who dares, Rodney, he who dares. We don't want them thinking that us Brits are chicken, do we? Rodney We certainly do not! They are now amongst the ski-jets. Del (Referring to a jet-ski) 'Ere are, this one looks alright, Rico, don't it? Rico is at another jet-ski near the water. Rico No, Del, this is the best one. Del walks towards the water. Del Oh yeah, course. That one is better than that, innit? Yeah, right. Del climbs on board. Rico Come on then. Alright, come on up there. Don't be shy. Now straddle your weight evenly. This is your start button and this... (Indicating right hand grip) Is the throttle. Del The throttle, right. Rico Now just remember the faster you go the easier it is to stay up. Way to go, fella! Del Yes. Cushty! Here we go... Del revs the throttle and the jet-ski zooms away. Rodney, Rico, Sal and the soldiers are watching Del from the shore. Lurch Look at that baby go! EXT. DAY. DEL ON JET-SKI. He wears a terrified expression but he hides his fear behind macho 'I'm enjoying this' type sounds. Del (Shouting) Lovely, Yes! (Under his breath) Lovely jubbly. This is about far enough now. EXT. DAY. MIAMI BEACH/SHORE. Rodney Did he say something then? Pauly I didn't hear a thing, Rodney. EXT. DAY. THE OCEAN. We now see Del trying to turn the handles to return to shore. We see that the handles will not budge. Del (Calls) Rico, the steering wheel's stuck! The steering wheel's stuck! EXT. DAY. SHORE. Rico and the others continue to watch Del go further out. EXT. DAY. DEL ON JET-SKI. Del is still calling and struggling with the handles. Del Now the throttle's stuck - Rico! Ri... co! We see Del turning the throttle down but this makes no difference to the engine which continues to rev high. Del (Cont'd) I've got an iffy throttle! EXT. DAY. MIAMI BEACH/SHORE. From Rodney's POV we can see Del is a few hundred yards off shore and heading directly away towards the horizon. Rodney is trying not to let his concern show. Rodney He's going a long way out, ain't he? Rico Yeah, he's enjoying himself. Rodney Oh yeah, I know! I'm just saying - he's a long way out. EXT. DAY. DEL ON SKI-JET. Del is screaming back towards the shore. Del Where are the brakes on this bloody thing? Gordon Bennett! EXT. DAY. MIAMI BEACH/SHORE. Del is now a speck in the distance. Pauly (To Rodney) What a guy, huh? Rodney Yeah... He's certainly surprised me. Rico Why's that? Rodney Well, he can't even swim! Rico, Tony and Pauly all look at each other with hidden delight. Sal is alarmed at this news. Sal But I thought he said he had a certificate for swimming. Rodney Oh yeah, he has, but it ain't his! EXT.DAY. OCEAN. Del on jet ski, going further out, screaming. Del Help! Help! INT. DAY. AN AEROPLANE CABIN. We now pan along the seats and passengers as we hear an announcement from the captain. Captain (OS) (American accent) We've begun our descent into Miami and are about twenty- five miles off the coast. We finish our pan and find Boycie at a window seat, Marlene is aisle seat and Tyler in the middle seat. A stewardess removes his glass. Boycie Thank you. Well, Tyler, soon be in Miami. Let's hope it's better than Washington. Marlene I liked Washington. Boycie Not much of a beach though, was there! Marlene In the last fortnight we've been all down the east coast of America and you've done nothing but moan! Boycie I didn't moan in Atlantic City! Marlene That's 'cos you was too busy gambling in the casino! Boycie (Looking down from window) That's funny! Marlene What is? Boycie There's a bloke down there on one of them ski-jet things. Marlene So what? Boycie So what? We're twenty-five miles off the coast! Marlene Well, he must know what he's doing. EXT. DAY. THE ATLANTIC OCEAN. We are looking out at nothing but ocean as far as the eye can see. All we can hear over the sound of the waves is the noise of a jet aeroplane somewhere above. Now we hear the sound of a fast approaching engine and Del's voice shouting for help. Del and the ski-jet now appear from beyond camera and rush away from us. EXT. NIGHT. THE OCCHETTI MANSION. (RAIN). A worried Rodney descends the stairs. From one of the rooms he hears Rico speaking. The door to the room is slightly open and he can see Rico speaking on the telephone via the reflection in the mirror. Rico Senor Vasquez? This is Don Occhetti's son, Ricardo. I'm calling to say that our meeting can go ahead as scheduled... Yes, Senor, I understand that your English is not good. (Now speaking slowly) Your - meeting - with my - father - can go ahead - as planned... planned... Si... Gracias. I look forward to meeting you... Right, Lovely Jubbly. Rico puts the phone down and reacts: why did I say that? Rico (Cont'd) Lovely jubbly. Rico exits and comes face to face with Rodney. Rico is slightly thrown by this - wondering what Rodney has heard. Rico Hi, how you doing? Rodney Fine. I just thought that might be news of Del. Rico No. I'll let you know if I hear anything. You're not worried, are you? Rodney No! It's just that he left the beach eleven o'clock this morning and it's now eight-thirty at night, you know. Rico Your brother's one hell of a fun guy. Rodney Oh, I know, but can you have fun on a ski-jet for nine and a half hours? Rico Del can! I'll bet he's in a nightclub on Key West with some señorita. Rodney He's wearing swimming trunks! Rico They all do on Key West! Rodney Oh I see. It's like that, is it? I see the phones are working again then? Rico No. Rodney But I thought I saw... Rico That's a private line, purely for business. Rodney Oh, I see. So, how come that one's working when the others in the area are out? Rico (With a big shrug) Search me. Rodney I couldn't just use that phone for a minute, could I? Rico No. I'm expecting a very important business call. Rodney Right. I just wanted to phone home, you know, tell 'em where we are in case they're worried. Rico There's nothing for them to worry about, Rodney. You're with us. Rodney Yeah, yeah, I suppose you're right. Well, I'll be in my room. Well, if you hear anything... Rico You'll be the first to know. Night. Rodney ascends the stairs. Pauly and Tony appear from rear of house (kitchen or somewhere). Pauly Lurch is bringing the car round the front. Rico The tall one's starting to ask questions. Looks like tomorrow we take him for a drive and put him out of his misery. Tony One down, one to go. There is a ring at the front door bell. Rico opens the door. We now see one of the detectives who have been on surveillance duty. 1st Officer Evening, sir. Rico (With false concern) Officer! Is there any news of my father? 1st Officer Yes, sir, and I'm afraid it's bad news. Rico Oh God! Good God, no! 1st Officer We fished him out three hours ago. Rico (With mock tears) He's dead? 1st Officer No, he's alive and well. Rico What? 1st Officer That's what I mean by bad news. See, we know what the plan was, Rico. Daddy doesn't cherish spending the rest of his life in the pen, so he takes a little joyride on a ski-jet, meets up with a friendly yacht and sails off into the sunset? Only it couldn't work, Rico, for two reasons. One: we're watching his every move. We saw him leave, then the coast guards had him on radar. And two: he ran out of gas thirty miles off Cuba. The 2nd officer appears with Del who is wrapped in a blanket. His face (eyebrows, eyelashes, lips, hair) is covered with the white stain of dried salt. His skin is sun burnt. Del Am I glad to be back, Rico. It was 'orrible out there, really 'orrible! I thought I was a gonner, I really did. I don't know what would have happened to me if that police helicopter hadn't found me. Rico Why don't you, er, go to the kitchen and get yourself something to eat. Del Thanks. I could murder a pina colada... 2nd Officer (To Rico as Del exits) Oh, by the way, something's happened to his voice - he sounds Australian. We think it might be salt on the vocal cords. Rico Oh, rest assured, Officer, I've got something for his throat. Night. The policeman turns away. Rico (Cont'd) (To himself) You Limey turkey! What have we gotta do to get rid of you? INT. NIGHT. PECKHAM. THE NAG'S HEAD. We come up on TV in bar - about to show the 9 o'clock news. Mike serves drinks to Alan. Mike There you go, Alan. Alan Oh, right. How much do I owe you? Mike No, no, they're with Mickey Pearce - on the last round. Alan You're joking? Mike No. Alan Cheers. Alan walks towards the table where Raquel, Albert, Denzil, Trigger and Mickey Pearce are seated. Mike turns to Sid. Mike Right, Sid, I'll top you up. Denzil Come on, Raquel, you're worrying about nothing. Raquel Nothing? They've been gone for five days and we haven't heard a word from them! And you call that nothing? Denzil Well, what I mean is, there's probably a simple explanation for it. Trigger Maybe Dave's gone down to Brazil to have a look at the forest! Alan turns to Raquel in an attempt to make her laugh. Alan There you are, you can't get more simple than that! Mike Yeah! I mean, look at that telly, Sid. It's all bad news. Sid You're right, nothing but bad news. Mike It's all tragedies and disasters. Sid Yeah, it's all doom and gloom. Mike I shouldn't have it on during happy hour really. It's a funny old business with old Del Boy and Rodney, innit? Sid They'll turn up sooner or later. Mike Yeah. Sid I just hope the police catch who ever did it! Right, I must be off. Cheers, Mike. Mike Cheers, mate. Stay lucky. Sid exits. Cut back to the table. Raquel Have you heard from Cassandra? Alan Yeah. Yeah, she called from the hotel. She's as worried as you are. Mickey There's nothing to worry about! A few years back my brother went to Portugal on a golfing holiday. No-one heard from him for three months! His wife was phoning Interpol, my Mum was going mad - but he turned up safe and sound. Raquel Where had he been? Mickey He'd shacked up with some German tart. Alan Shuddup, there's a good boy! Mickey Alright, so he was bang out of order, but at least he weren't injured. Denzil Which is more than people'll say about you if you don't shut it! (To Raquel) Listen, I've known Del a lot longer than you, and some- times he can be a bit forgetful, especially when he's enjoying himself, I mean, he's most probably out there having the time of his life and... I'm not saying the right things, am I? Raquel No, you're not! Albert Young Mickey was more comfort- ing than you! Mike (Calls from bar) Here - Raquel! Mike directs her attention towards the TV. Mike (Cont'd) Look! We see on TV the footage shot by the two cameramen outside the Occhetti mansion. We see Del and Rodney exit the mansion and talk to Rico. Mike (Cont'd) Hang on - I'll turn the sound up! We see Del, in Don Occhetti's suit and chains (with a smiling Rodney behind him) give the thumbs up to the camera. American Commentator The Miami District Attorney's office have named this man. Public enemy number one! His web of vice and corruption has spread throughout the western hemisphere and many consider him to be the most dangerous criminal since Al Capone, After 'public enemy number one' we cut to Raquel. The rest of the TV commentary is under her words. All eyes turn on Raquel. Trigger (To Raquel) There they are! There's Del and Dave! Raquel Public Enemy Number One? But he only left Tuesday! EXT. DAY. MIAMI. THE OCCHETTI MANSION. We are outside the mansion. Rico joins Pauly from the house. Pauly What's happening? Rico I got a call from the airport. The Columbians have landed, they'll be here any minute. I want everyone, and I mean everyone, down here to greet them. We need a show of strength, let 'em know they're not dealing with the Boy Scouts. Pauly No problem. Rico Hey, where's the Limeys? Pauly Don't worry, I've taken care of them. They're busy. EXT.DAY. TENNIS COURTS IN MANSION GROUNDS. We see Rodney and Del trying to play tennis. Del is wearing tennis whites including long white trousers. Rodney is still wearing tracksuit, trainers and T-shirt. By now Del is looking quite tanned and more like Don Occhetti by the day. Del God! Whack it back to me, for God's sake, Rodney! Rodney I'm tryin' to whack it back! I'm not very good at tennis! Del No! Really? Anyway, what's the score? I'm six sets up, ain't I? Rodney No you are not! You're about two games up and it's my serve! Del No, no, no, it's my serve! Rodney How can it be? You served during the last game! Del Yeah, I know, and I won! So it's my serve again, innit? Rodney No, it don't... (Gives up) Oh I've had enough of this! I'm going in! Rodney picks up his jacket from side of court. Del Oh, just cause you're losing! Rodney walks off in a sulk. INT. DAY. DON OCHETI'S SUITE. The Don is working out in bathroom/gym. INT. DAY. HALL OF MANSION. Rodney enters from the tennis court. He looks around for someone to give his racquet to. Rodney (Calls) You there, Rico? Lurch? Tony? Anybody about? Rodney realises he is alone. Now his eyes wander to the telephone which he had seen Rico using in an earlier scene. Rodney creeps into the room and closes the door. INT. DAY. MANSION. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. Don Occhetti, wearing a pink and green shell-suit, exits from bathroom/gym. He is sweating and has obviously been working out (we see the gym equipment through the open bathroom door). Because of his self- imposed incarnation he is now looking paler and more like Del originally looked. INT. DAY. ROOM OFF HALL. Rodney produces a piece of paper from jacket and starts to dial number which is written on the paper. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. The Don gets the medicine bottle out of the globe and goes to intercom. He picks up the receiver, dials and takes a swig of the medicine, leaving the bottle on the desk. INT. NIGHT. EASTBOURNE HOTEL RECEPTION. The receptionist calls to Cassandra. Receptionist Mrs Trotter! Mrs Trotter! INT. DAY. MANSION. TELEPHONE ROOM (OFF HALL). Rodney (On phone) Hello? Cass? It's me. Rodney! INT. NIGHT. EASTBOURNE HOTEL RECEPTION. Cassandra (On phone. Highly excited) Where are you? What's happened? Are you alright? Rodney Yeah, now steady on! No, listen, we're both fine, right! INT. DAY. DON OCCETTI'S SUITE. The Don is still waiting. Don Come on, one of you jerks, hurry up and answer the phone! INT. DAY. THE HALL OF MANSION. The intercom phone is ringing as Del enters from tennis courts. Del (Answers intercom) Hello - Battersea Dog's Home? Del creates a dog impression. INT. DAY. MANSION. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. The Don reacts to Del's voice on the intercom. He slams the receiver down. INT. DAY. HALL OF MANSION. Del smiles to himself as the receiver is slammed down. He makes his way upstairs. INT. DAY. INTERCUT BEYTWEEN MANSION TELEPHONE ROOM AND EASTBOURNE HOTEL RECEPTION. We intercut between Rodney and Cassandra. Cassandra I've been so worried about you! Rodney Have you? Cassandra Yes. I didn't take the interview. They let me off on compassionate grounds. Rodney What - so you could have come with me after all? Cassandra Well not without the help of a fortune teller! I didn't know you were going to go missing for the week. Rodney No, I suppose not. INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Del, still in tennis whites, exits from his and Rodney's room. Unable to find Rodney, Del believes his brother is playing a sulky game of hide and seek. Del Rodney, where are you? You're not in our room... INT. DAY/NIGHT. TELEPHONE ROOM/EASTBOURNE HOTEL. Intercut with Rodney and Cassandra. Rodney Oh, I wish you could have come, Cass, you would have loved it. They're such nice people. Cassandra Well, if you hadn't booked that particular week I would have been with you. Rodney Yeah, well, I didn't actually book the tickets. Del did. Cassandra Del? No, he couldn't. He knew I was in Eastbourne that week. Rodney Well, I suppose he thought you... He knew? What d'you mean he knew? Cassandra Yes, I told him over lunch when the seminar was. So why did he book that particular week? Rodney Isn't it obvious why? So he could get a free bloody holiday. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. The Don paces angrily. INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Del continues looking for Rodney. Del Rodney. Come on. Come out, come out wherever you are. Del arrives at Don Occhetti's door. Del (Cont'd) Rodney! INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY. The Don is standing as he hears Del from outside. Del (OOV) Are you there, Roddy woddy? The Don quickly sits in a high backed chair with back to door. We see Del enter. The Don and Del are both in same frame. Del surveys the room without moving into it, therefore not seeing the painting and photos. Del Oh yes, this is very nice. This is a bit of me this is 'cos I'm a Byzantine sort of bloke. Del exits. The Don gets up and follows. Del (OOV) Where are you hiding, you little scallywag? INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Del is on the landing once again. Don Occhetti peers down landing at Del (merely trying to get a better look at his doppelganger). Again, we see Del and Don Occhetti in same frame. Del exits to his room. Don Occhetti steps out onto the landing and considers the likeness. Now, a movement on the stairs draws his attention. We see Rodney, half-way up the stairs and fuming from what Cassandra has just told him. Rodney (To Don Occhetti believing him to be Del) You git! We se Don Occhetti's reaction. Rodney (Cont'd) (Approaching menacingly) You rotten, conniving, git! Rodney now grabs the Don of Dons, the most powerful figure in the entire Costra Nostra, by the throat. Don Occhetti has no choice but to take this treatment. If he speaks or protests in any way he will give the game away. Rodney (Cont'd) You are the most selfish bastard I've ever come across! Do you know who I've been talking to? Don Occhetti shakes his head. Rodney (Cont'd) Cassandra! Ah, that's shaken you, innit? Don Occhetti reacts. Rodney (Cont'd) You knew all along she wouldn't be able to make this trip, didn't you? Don Occhetti shrugs innocently. Rodney (Cont'd) You knew all along she had to go to the bank's seminar in Eastbourne! But you didn't tell me that, did you? Don Occhetti shrugs again. Rodney (Cont'd) No, no, you kept that well quiet, so as you could come on this bloody holiday! And where d'you get that stupid track-suit from? Don Occhetti opens his mouth as if about to say something. Rodney (Cont'd) Don't talk to me! I don't wanna hear none of your excuses! Just do not talk to me, alright? Don Occhetti nods obediently. Rodney shoves Don Occhetti up against the wall and then moves down the landing to his and Del's room. As he is about to enter the room Rodney turns and lets the Dons of Dons have one more volley. Rodney (Cont'd) Git! Rodney exits to room slamming the door behind him. Don Occhetti's look of feigned innocence now changes to one of burning anger and vengeance. INT. DAY. DEL AND RODNEY'S SUITE. Rodney has just entered from his confrontation with Don Occhetti and is still in a flaming mood. He locks the door with a key and then slips the bolt across. Rodney (Mumbles angrily to himself) That's it, you ain't sleeping in here tonight. Rico's gonna have to find you somewhere else for you to sleep! We now see that Del is standing in the doorway to the en-suite bathroom listening to Rodney. Del What's up with you, Soppy? Rodney You know full well what's up with me! You knew Cassandra couldn't come away with me on this trip and you new because she told you!! Del Ah, now you come to mention it she did say something... Rodney But you planned it! You went to the travel agents and you booked it just so as you come with me on this holiday!!... Del Shh. Now listen, calm down, please, Rodders. Just calm down a minute, will you. You see the thing is that erm well... look... That wine deal of mine has gone right up the pictures! I had this phone call from Bucharest - the first lorry load they delivered was white wine! So anyway, I... I just didn't know what to do! And you know me, don't you? There are only two things in the world that worry me and that is doctors, you know, Gods! And, well, I was frightened of being cursed! So I thought, well, you know, if I came over here, like, to Miami - he won't find me and that's the only reason I did it, Rodney. Honest, I just, you know, wanted to lay low for a spell! Rodney Oh yeah, on my pension money! I swear, Del, you are the most 'orrible, dirty little... (Reacting) How d'you get in here? Del What d'you mean, how did I get in here? Rodney How d'you get in this room? Del Well, I came through that door, it's a blinding invention! Rodney No you didn't 'cos I locked that door and the only... How d'you get changed so quickly? Del What do you mean, 'How did I get changed?' I haven't got changed, have I? I've been wearing this all morning. Rodney No, I don't understand this, I was just talking to you outside. Del You were just talking to me outside? You couldn't have done, could you, 'cos I've been in the khazi on suite. Rodney Derek, I've just been having a row with you out on that landing! You were wearing a pink and green track-suit! Del (Worried but is calm) A pink and gre... Rodney... Now I want you to tell me the truth, I won't be angry. Have you... erm... taken anything? Have you smoked one of them Jamaican Woodbines? Rodney The only thing I have taken is a load of cobblers from you! Now, I was talking to you on that landing. Or... Del Or what? Rodney Or someone who looks... like you. Del, apparently takes this seriously. Del Someone who looks like me? What you mean- like what, like a double? Rodney Yeah. Del Oh dear, I see. You know what this means, Rodney, don't you? Rodney What? Del It means you're a bigger plonker than I thought you were. Del laughs. Rodney Alright. Well, you go and have a look for yourself, he's out there on the landing. Del Alright, I will if it'll shut you up - you little dipstick. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. Don Occhetti takes a walkman and earphones from his desk and storms towards bathroom/gym, mumbling as he does so. Don I don't know what the world is coming to? I'm a prisoner in my own home and all because of those goddam, sorry-assed, Limeys. He exits to bathroom and closes the door heavily behind him. INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Del and Rodney walk down corridor. At the end of the landing, close to Don Occhetti's room is the large mirror. Del and Rodney see their reflections in the mirror. Del Boo! Oh look - dippy, that's what it was, look - your reflection? Rodney How can I have a row with a bloody reflection. Del Well, that's easily done! I've had a barney with myself many a night when I've come home from a party! INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. BATHROOM/GYM. Don Occhetti is now pedaling furiously on his exercise bike and is wearing the earphones of walkman which is playing. Don (Mumbling) I'm closing your account, you lime-sucking bozos! INT. DAY. LANDING. Del So what d'you want to do - go and check it out then? Rodney Eh? Erm. Well, I'll go down there and keep a look-out. Del Oh I see. So you wanna go up there and keep a look out and you want me to go into that room and check it out. Right? Rodney Yeah. Del Oh, cushty! (Mumbles) Do it yourself Del! Go on then. Rodney goes up landing. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY. The door opens and Del peers in. He can hear nothing from the bathroom and, as far as he is concerned, is completely alone in the suite. INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM. The Don is pedaling away on the bike. Don I hate Limeys!!! I hate Limeys!!! INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S STUDY. Del steps further into the room and cautiously begins to check it out. At this point he doesn't notice the paintings and photos. Del picks up a few small antique items and studies them with a few 'Mmmhs' of appreciation. He goes to desk, picks up a piece and drops it with a crash. INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM. The Don is still pedaling away on the bike. Don I hate Limeys! I hate 'em! I hate 'em! INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. Del is now a bit more relaxed. He wanders over towards some book shelves and passes the antique globe cocktail cabinet. He gives it a quick spin and we hear the terrible sound of shattering glass from inside. Del reacts horrified at this. INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM. The Don, pedaling, still hasn't heard anything from the study. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. As Del backs away from the globe his hand reaches out behind him and he knocks the open bottle of medicine over. The medicine spills over Del's right hand and he reacts to the vile smell. As he heads for the door he glances in the direction of the painting. He doesn't take the vision in immediately and now opens the door. He is about to leave when he pauses. He now moves back into the room and stares, open-mouthed, at the large oil painting of Don Occhetti. Del just stares, trance-like, at this vision. He now studies the smaller framed photos. We see a recent picture of Don Occhetti with Frank Sinatra, Don Occhetti with Castro and Don Occhetti with the Pope. Del passes another photo, and then goes back to look again. INT. DAY. MANSION. HALL. Rico starts upstairs with Columbian drug baron, Señor Alberto Vasquez and his tough-looking assistant, Jorge Harrera. Both men are smartly dressed in lightweight suits and carry brief cases. Rico I'm pleased you could make it, Señor Vasquez. My father has been so looking forward to meeting you. Vasquez (Struggling with English) And so it is with me, too. Si? INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Rodney hears voices from hall and knocks on the Don's door. Rodney Del! Hurry up, somebody's coming! INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. Del moves towards the door and sees a newspaper. The main headline reads: 'Mafia Boss Faces Life In Jail'. In smaller print: 'Dons of Dons released on bail'. Beneath this is a black and white photo of Don Occhetti. Rodney (OOV) Del! Del is now considering the events leading up to this discovery. On Del's face we see other shots: 1. The restaurant. Del leans down to et dumpling and the bullet zaps into the back of his chair. 2. The ski- jet ride. Del miles out to sea and screaming 'Help'. Everything now fits into place, and Del realises it. Del They were tryin' to kill me! Fromage frais! INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. We see Rodney at the Don's door. He hears Rico and the Columbians coming up the stairs. Rico (OOV) After your meeting you must stay for lunch. Vasquez (OOV) Gracias. Rodney at door, cringing with fear knowing that Del will be caught for sure. Rodney (Mouths) Oh shit... He runs back to his and Del's room. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY. Del hears Rico and the Columbians. Rico (OOV) You had a good flight? Vasquez Yes, it's good. Del looks round for a place to escape but Rico enters. Rico simple assumes Del to be his father. Rico Pop, the Columbians have arrived. Del, realising that his voice and accent will give the game away, just smiles and makes noises to all of Rico's questions and statements. Del Oh. Rico This is Señor Vasquez and his associate señor Herrera. Del Mmmh. Rico I'll be in the other room if you need me. Del Ah, mmmh. Rico exits the room. Vasquez obviously has practiced his next speech in which he puts too much emphasis on the 'H'. Vasquez Don Hocchetti, hi ham honoured to meet you, sir. Vasquez kisses Del's hand and then reacts to the vile, medicine-type taste. Vasquez Forgive me, Señor, my Engleesh - no good. Del gestures for them to sit down and is trying to say something Italian. Del Bonnetti, bonnetti. Herrera and Vasquez sit. Vasquez Bonnetti, bonnetti. We bring the final, erm... (To Herrera) Firmation, er... Herrera Eenformation. Vasquez (To Del) Eenformation, eenformation concerning... concerning our buseeness transaction. Del Business. Because of their lack of English, Del feels comfortable and confident enough to speak his normal voice. Del (Cont'd) Oh, cushty... PA. Herrera (Passing papers across the desk) You will read, please? INT. DAY. BATHROOM/GYM. The Don is still pedaling on the bike. INT. DAY. STUDY. Del (Studying papers briefly) What - what is this exactly? Vasquez It is the firmation... Herrera Confirmateeon. Confirmateeon regarding delivery of merchandise. Del Oh, er, smashing. Smashing ... Er, what sort of merchandise is it then? Herrera and Vasquez look at each other. Vasquez Señor, it is the finest, the purest, the very best cocaine. Del reacts. Del Cocai... Del coughs. Herrera Seventeen tonnes. It is on a yacht anchored offshore. Vasquez We wait - we wait you eenstruction. Don Occhetti, where - where... delivery of merchandise in the boat - you know - where? Where? Del Em... Deliver, delivery, yes... Del now remembers his sight-seeing boat trip and the coast guard centre at Biscayne Bay. Del (Cont'd) I tell you what, yeah, why don't you deliver it then tonight about midnight. You know Biscayne Bay at all? Deliver the merchandise to Biscayne Bay. Biscayne Bay. Herrera (Writing this down) Beescayne... Vasquez Cayne... Del Cayne, cayne. Vasquez Cayne. Herrera Biscayne... Vasquez Bay. Del Bay. Herrera Bay. Vasquez It is safe, er, safe? Del Oh, don't you worry. Yes, oh, the cocaine'll be safe there, all right. Vasquez Someone there to meet us? To meet us? Del Oh, I'm sure. Yeah, don't worry, there'll be someone there to meet you alright, yeah. Vasquez Good. Good. (OOV) It ees good to do buseenes with you, senor. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. BATHROOM/GYM. We see Don Occhetti is still pedaling on the bike and listening to his walkman. He is sweating profusely. He disappears into the inner room and switches the cold tap on. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY. Vasquez and Herrera react to the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. Del reacts, suddenly realising that someone has been in there all the time. Vasquez Er room... Who? Del Whoom... whom... Vasquez Whoom? Room? Vasquez is concerned or suspicious. Del Er - whom in the room? Yeah ... That's a good question - erm whom is in there? That is erm, the bathroom and that is my... girlfriend in there! Vasquez (In Spanish to Herrera) What does he mean? Herrera Don Occhetti's señorita. Vasquez Ah, yes, yes, the soñorita! Macho sounds from all of them. From inside the bathroom we hear Don Occhetti do a mighty burp. They all look towards bathroom. Del Yes, yes, the señorita... (Del hurrying nervously) She had a double helping of chilli con carne last night. I told her not to, I mean, I told her!... But you know what they're like, don't you? Well - cor, look at the time then - I think that will conclude our business then, gentlemen. INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Del Yes, alright then. Well, thanks very much. Vasquez Adiós. Del Adgegos. Vasquez We will be speaking soon. Del Yeah, OK, Speaky soon. (As goodbye) Bonnetti, Bonnetti. Vasquez Bonnetti! Vasquez and Herrera start to descend stairs. Del runs to his and Rodney's room, still holding paperwork which Vasquez gave him earlier. INT. DAY. DEL AND RODNEY'S ROOM. Rodney is pacing the room as Del bursts in. Rodney Didn't you hear me knock- ing? Rico brought two blokes up to that room. Del Listen to me, Rodney. We are in deep, deep schtuck. This is Mafia country. Rodney Mafia? Del Yes! Shh, listen. Come over here. Sit down there. Just listen to me. You now that Rico, Salvatore and all the other guys? They're Mafioso! And you remember that you said to me that you thought you saw a bloke what looked like me, well, there is one. He's got a room down there - his name's Don Occhetti and he is the boss. I'm telling you, Rodney, this is Marlon Brando time! Rodney (Considering it all) Nah! Del Yes! I've just read the newspaper down there. It's all about him. You see, this Don, this Don, he's up for trial and it looks like he's well in the frame and he's gonna go down the Kermit and spend the rest of his life in the nick! Rodney What for? Del Drug-running, kidnapping and three, you count them, three murders! Right, now that is what all this has been about, Rodney. Don't you understand? Eh? They've been trying to kill me! Think about it! That accidental stray bullet that just whacked into the back of my chair. The iffy ski-boat ride, eh? Don't you see, look if I go for a Burton that means that this Donald - whatever his name is - doesn't have to stand trial and he goes free! Rodney Look, Del. Don't you think you might be letting your imagination run away with you? Del I wish I was, Rodney, I wish I was! You take a look at that, pal - go on! Del hands Rodney the paperwork. Del (Cont'd) I've been down there and I... I've just had a little tête-a-tête with two Columbian drug barons. Rodney Bloody 'ell, Del! He's a Mafia boss! Del What do you think I've been trying to tell you? Course he is! Look at it - look! Rodney Oh cosmic! Del Eh? Rodney Cos-bloody-mic! I just roughed him up! Del What? Rodney I just roughed up a Mafia boss! I called him a git! I just called a Mafia boss... Del Rodney, just pull yourself together! Rodney ... a git! Del I tell you - these are not the sort of people that you wanna spend your holidays with. I'll tell you another thing, too. That Rico, he can forget that present we was gonna buy him! Rodney Oh, let's get outta here! Del How can we, eh? We can't go downstairs 'cos they're all there! Rodney Let's get out of the window then! Let's just get out before I wake up with a bloody 'orse's 'head on me pillow! EXT. DAY. MANSION. We see the back of the house. The walls up to the first floor window are covered with a thick climbing plant (creepers). Del and Rodney appear on balcony. Del You go first, Rodney. Go on, go on! Rodney climbs out gingerly and gets a grip on the creepers. Del follows him. Half way down we see the leg of his tennis trousers snag on something and rip from the bottom of the leg up to his knee. Del Oh, look at this - look!! Rodney is now on the ground. Del eventually joins him. They run off. EXT. DAY. FRONT OF MANSION. As Rico sees Columbians into a taxi we see Rodney and Del peer round edge of house in background. Rico Mucho... very much... Vasquez Hasta la vista... The Don exits the bathroom sweating from his exercise. He moves to intercom, close to window. The Don has his back to the window as to talks to intercom. Don Yeah er... send Rico up to me. Er, tell him I want to talk to him. EXT. DAY. THE MANSION. Del and Rodney run across lawn to wall. INT. DAY. DON'S SUITE. The Don switches intercom off and moves to globe cock- tail cabinet. He opens the top of the globe and broken glass and liquid spill out onto floor. The Don stares incredulously at this destruction. EXT. DAY. GARDENS OF MANSION. Del and Rodney reach the wall. Rodney climbs up a bush near the wall and sits astride wall. Del climbs up and grabs top of wall and reacts with pain. Rodney Careful, Del, there's some- thing sharp up there. Del is stuck. Rodney pulls him off. Del Rodney! They fall back out of frame. INT. DAY. DON OCCHETTI'S SUITE. STUDY. The Don is kneeling by the antique globe cocktail cabinet picking up pieces of glass from carpet. Rico enters. Don How the hell did this happen? Rico I don't know, Pop. The last time I saw it, it was fine. Leave it, I'll get Lurch to do it. Well, the Columbians seem happy. Don Yeah, well, maybe they won't be so happy after we've had our meeting. So, er, show 'em up, Rico. Rico Show 'em up? They've just left. Don Left? What the hell did they come all this way for and then leave without talking to me? Rico But you had your meeting with them, Pop. I brought 'em in and introduced them... how did you change into that track-suit so quickly. Don I've been in this all morning. I've been working out! Rico Oh God! The Limey! EXT. DAY. MANSION. Del and Rodney run off. INT. DAY. MANSION. LANDING. Rico rushes towards Del and Rodney's room followed by Don Occhetti. Don I'm in court tomorrow morning! Rico! INT. DAY. DEL AND RODNEY'S ROOM. The door bursts open and Rico and Don Occhetti enter. Rico throws open the bathroom door in his search for Del and Rodney. Don Do something you stupid jerk! Rico Don't worry, Pop, we'll get 'em back. Rico rushes out of the room. We stay on Don Occhetti's vengeful face as we hear Rico calling in background. EXT. DAY. LONG COUNTRY HIGHWAY. We see a few cars racing past. We pan back to see an old American convertible driving towards us at about 20mph. Seated in the front bench seat are Del and Rodney and a little old lady who is so small she has to peer between the top of the steering wheel and dashboard. Del can't believe the speed they are doing. He looks at the lady then turns to Rodney, begging an explanation. Old Lady Are you enjoying the ride, boys? Del Oh yes, lovely, Miss Daisy. (To Rodney) I don't believe this! Rodney (To Del) It's supposed to be a get- away, at this rate we'll be done for kerb-crawling. We see the car pull into a roadside cafe/shop. The old lady produces a shopping bag. Old Lady Well, this is about as far as I go, boys. Del Yeah, well thanks for the lift. Old Lady Have a nice trip back to Australia. Del We're not Australian! We're English, aren't we? Rodney Just leave it - come on! She's old! Del and Rodney alight and run off towards some woods. As they disappear into the trees so the Mafia's sedan screeches to a halt and reverses. The Mafia alight and collect their guns from the trunk. Rico Are you sure it was them? Pauly How many guys are running round the Everglades dressed like Jimmy Connors? EXT. DAY. FOREST. We see Del and Rodney struggling through the under- growth. PECKHAM. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert paces the floor. Raquel now enters from hall/front door loaded down with two large shopping bags filled with groceries. Albert Raquel! Where have you been? Raquel (Indicating bags) I've been to Royal Ascot for the day! Where d'you think I've been? Albert Cassandra phoned about an hour ago. She's spoken with Rodney. Raquel She spoke to him? Well, where are they? What happened? Albert They've been staying at some millionaire's mansion. A tropical storm knocked all the phones out, that's why they couldn't call. Raquel Well when are they coming home? Albert They catch their plane tomorrow. The main thing is, you can stop worrying. They're both safe and sound. EXT. DAY. MIAMI. THE EVERGLADES. We see Del and Rodney struggling through the under- growth. EXT. DAY. THE EVERGLADES. We see the Mafia and their guns struggling through another part of undergrowth. EXT. DAY. THE EVERGLADES. In the background we see the forest leading down to what appears to be a grassy clearing. The camera is positioned low and the foreground appears to be solid ground. This is in fact the Ever- glades flora which grows on the water. We see Del and Rodney running out of forest towards the clearing. As Del steps onto the 'solid' flora he sinks into the water up to his waist. Del Come on, Rodney. Where's your stamina? Del into water. Del (Cont'd) Bloody hell! Help me out of here, Rodney. Rodney Come here! Rodney helps Del out. Del I can't! Rodney Careful! Del Gordon Bennett! (Referring to the flora) What the 'ell is this stuff anyway? Rodney I think it's water hyacinth. I've just been reading about it in my Greenpeace magazine. Del Well, what's it doing there - floating about on the water? Rodney That's what it does. It grows on the water. Here, we must be in the Everglades. Del Everglades? Looks more like a swamp to me! Rodney Well it is a s... don't matter. Del Oh Rodney, just get me home, will you? Back to England's green and pleasant land and those dark volcanic mills. Rodney (Reacting to 'volcanic mills') Yeah! Oh look, Del, let's have a rest, eh? I think we're safe enough. Nobody could find us in here... A fearful reaction from Rodney. Del Look at me. Look! My hands are all bleeding - me clothes are torn, me arse is soaking wet! Rodney And you're still whining! Del Yes, it's alright for you, innit, eh? If I get piles you can have half of 'em! There is now a sulky silence. As we watch them sulking we see an alligator crawling past about twelve feet behind them. Rodney, hearing a rustling behind him, turns and faces the gator. Rodney is frozen. He now turns slowly back to face the water. Rodney now considers his next move for a couple of seconds. Rodney (Quietly) Del Boy. Del Oh, shuddup, Rodney, you're getting on my nerves. Rodney I want you to do something for me, Derek. I want you to stand up and very slowly walk away. Del What is this? Simple Simon Says? Rodney Very slowly walk away, Del. We don't want to alarm it. Del Alarm what? Rodney That thing behind us. Del looks behind and reacts. Del That thing? Get out of here! Del leaps and runs for his life. Rodney follows. EXT. DAY. ANOTHER PART OF THE EVERGLADES. Del and Rodney run into shot and then stop. Del (Fighting for breath) That was a bloody crocodile, Rodney! Rodney No, it weren't a crocodile! Del I know a crocodile when I come face to face with one! I've seen enough Tarzan films. Rodney That was an alligator! Del It's the same thing, innit? Rodney No, no it's not! I mean, they may look alike and they are from the same family, but biologically... Del (Cutting in) Do they eat you? Rodney Yeah. Del Well it's the same thing then, innit? I mean, who the hell let it out? Rodney No, no, they live here in the Everglades. Del They? D'you mean to say there's more than one of em? Rodney Yeah! But don't panic. It's very rare to see them during the daylight 'cos they're normally a nocturnal animal. Del Nocturnal! Are you tryin' to tell me that come teatime there'll be millions of the gits? Rodney Yeah. Del I don't believe this! I just don't believe it! I've gotta be honest with you, Rodney. All in all I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't come on this holiday with you! Rodney Well, don't you blame me! I did not invite you, Derek - you invited yourself! Del (Hearing something) Listen! Listen to that! We hear the sound of a distant boat engine. Rodney It's a boat! It's a boat, my son! We're saved. Rodney is about to move forward when Del drags him down. Del Get down, Rodney, get down! It could be the Mafia! Rodney What would they be doing on a boat? Del Water skiing! What d'you think? We now see a hire-boat appear. EXT. DAY. HIREBOAT/EVERGLADES. Now we hear a familiar voice. Boycie Look, Marlene, an eagle! Marlene It's not an eagle, it's a heron. Boycie Well, it's a big bird anyway! Tyler now points into the undergrowth. Tyler Look, it's Uncle Rodney! Marlene Listen to him. Uncle Rodney. The imagination these kids have. Boycie Yeah. Right, let's take some photographs. Boycie begins snapping away. We see his shots (frozen as in photograph) and we hear the camera shutter: An alligator. A turtle. Del's face looking through the undergrowth. A heron. Now Boycie reacts. Boycie Marlene... You know just... Boycie chuckles at the silliness of his next statement. Boycie (Cont'd) For a moment there I thought I saw... Gordon Bennett! We see Del and Rodney standing in the undergrowth. Marlene It's Del and Rodney! Ooh, ooh, Del! Del (Calls) Boycie! Rodney Get over here! Quick! Boycie What in God's name, are you doing here? Del I forgot to kiss you goodbye at the Gatwick! Get that boat over here. Quick! Boycie Wayne - get over there. The boat crosses the water. Marlene You alright, Del? Del T'riffic, sweetheart. Del and Rodney clamber aboard. Del Come on, Rodders! Let's go, let's go! Boycie (To Del) Good God, you smell like a vegetarian's fart! Del At least my house hasn't got burgled! Boycie has wiped the smile from his face. Boycie What?? Rodney It's a joke, a joke!! Right, now let's get going! Boycie Right, Wayne. Let's go! The boat begins to roar away from us. Now we see the Mafia on the shore line. Rico grabs a gun (a hunting rifle) from someone. Sal Rico, as your lawyer, I am asking you to consider your actions carefully before you do anything you may regret. Rico OK, I'll consider it! Rico brings the gun up to eye line. Del Everyone, duck! Boycie Why? We hear a gunshot and a bullet whistles over their heads. Del That! Boycie Get a bloody move on, Wayne! EXT. DAY. EVERGLADES. JETTY AND TOURIST AREA OF PARK. We see two armed rangers step out of their office upon hearing the gunshot. 1st Ranger Did you hear that, Curtis? There's some jerk out there loosing off lead! Come on. The two rangers run to their boat. As they do we see Del, Rodney, Boycie and Marlene pulling into shore in their boat. They climb ashore obviously shaken by their experience. Boyce comes ashore moaning as they walk towards shops, etc. Boycie Everything was going well! We were having a lovely holiday... Marlene (Cutting in) Shuddup moaning. Boycie And then they turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shooting at us! Marlene You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington! Boycie Get that bloody boat in for God's sake! As Del passes the empty ranger's office he remembers the paperwork Vasquez gave him. Del Rodney, hang about a minute. He takes the crumpled and wet paperwork from his back pocket and places it on the door. Del (Cont'd) Rodney, let's go home. Rodney Del, our plane doesn't leave till tomorrow night. Del I know but we can sleep at the airport. At least we'll be that much closer to dear old England. Give us a lift to the airport, will you, Boycie? INT. NIGHT. AN AIRLINE CABIN. The film/video screen is down and the passengers are watching news from America. Newsreader Last night coast guards from Biscayne Cove boarded a Columbian yacht and discover- ed seventeen tons of cocaine. Also on board the yacht was the wanted drug baron, Alberto Vasquez. He was taken to Miami police central where he is being questioned by FBI agents. The tip-off for the drug bust came when details of the delivery where left in the Florida park ranger's office. But the big story today - in Miami Superior Court Don Vincenzo Occhetti, head of the most powerful Mafia family in America, was found guilty of kidnap, drug- running and three counts of conspiracy to commit murder. He was given six life sentences to run concurrent- ly. His son, Ricardo Occhetti, was arrested yesterday for illegally hunting in the Everglade National Park and for possessing an unlicensed firearm. Police are now looking for two Australians who may be able to assist them in this matter. During all this news we pan down the aisle of the plane. As we near the end we can see some of the passengers reacting to a violent smell. We now find Del and Rodney asleep and snoring and still wearing the ripped and dirty clothes of yesterday. INT. DAY. PECKHAM. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. We are in the hall and facing the front door. The door bell rings. Raquel opens the door to Del and Rodney, who are unshaven and filthy. Nothing is said. Del and Rodney force painful smiles and Raquel now gestures them inside. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Raquel enters followed by Del and Rodney. Del and Rodney stop and react horrified. We now see the lounge is filled to the brim with what looks like seven hundred cases of Romanian Riesling. The vicar is sitting on one of the cases. Albert (Glad to see them back) Welcome home, boys!

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