Only Fools And Horses

Miami Twice Part 1: The American Dream

EXT. DAY. CAR PARK AT BACK OF DILAPIDATED LONDON CHURCH. We see some of the familiar cars of the regulars. The Trotters' three wheeled van, Del's Capri Ghia, Boycie's Mercedes, Alan's Jaguar, Cassandra's Escort and Denzil's transit bearing the hand-painted legend 'Transworld Express'. Over this we hear the vicar's words from inside the church. Vicar (OOV) Almighty and everlasting God, we give thee humble thanks, for thou hast vouchsafed to call us to the knowledge of thy grace, and faith in three: Increase this knowledge, and confirm this faith in us evermore. INT. DAY. THE NAVE OF CHURCH. The interior is also old and slightly dilapidated. Del and Raquel, who is holding the eight-month old Damien, stand close to the font as the 35-year-old vicar performs the baptism ceremony. Rodney and Cassandra stand a few yards back from the font. There is obviously an atmosphere between them. We shall discover their fragile marriage has developed a major and mysterious problem. Rodney's eyes flicker uncertainly in her direction. During the vicar's speech we pan across the congregation. Vicar Give thy holy spirit to this infant, that he may be born again, and be made an heir of everlasting salvation; through our Lord Jesus Christ, who liveth and reigneth with thee and the Holy Spirit, now and for ever, Amen. During this we see Boycie, Marlene and Tyler (who is now about three). Tyler is wearing a suit and tie and dressed like a little Boycie. Marlene is close to tears as she watches the christening. Boycie is bored and irritable - he has better things to do. We see Denzil and Mickey Pearce watching the proceedings. Mickey is placing film in his camera. Alan and Pam smile benignly - Pam's smile slightly forced - she doesn't mind slumming it once in a while but this is too far down the social ladder for comfort. Trigger is surveying the roof and walls of church - he can't remember ever being in one of these things before. Mike checks his watch - he's got a pub to open. Albert, in full medals, smiles proudly. Vicar (Quietly to Rodney and Cassandra) Godparents, please. The vicar gestures them closer. Cassandra (Quietly to Rodney) D'you remember what you've got to say? Rodney (Quietly) Yes. Cassandra steps forward, Rodney is a hesitant step behind her. Rodney still hasn't quite got over his 'Damien, the Antichrist' phase. The vicar takes Damien from Raquel and hands him to Rodney. Del (Whisper) Be careful, Rodney. You drop him, and I'll drop you. Raquel (Hisses a warning) Del! Del Well, he dropped a whole Royal Doulton dinner service once - nearly ruined it! Raquel (Whispers) Shut up! Del Well! Cassandra Oh, look at his little face. Rodney (Non-committal) Mmmh! Vicar (To Rodney and Cassandra) Dearly beloved, ye have brought this child here to be baptised, you have prayed that our Lord Jesus Christ would vouchsafe to receive him, to release him of his sins... (etc) We cut away to Alan and Pam as the vicar continues. Trigger is standing directly behind them. Trigger leans forward to Alan. All this in hushed tones: Trigger Going down the pub, Alan? Alan Oh yeah, we'll be there. Pam We're going down the pub, are we? Alan Got to be polite to Raquel and Del. We've gotta wet the baby's head. Pam Roughly translated, that means, 'I can't wait to get down the Nag's Head and get legless with Del!' Trigger (Leans in to Pam) Take your time, Pam, we've gotta christen the baby first. Pam (Deeply offended, to Alan) Did you hear that? Alan Yes! Why you always on about me getting drunk? When was the last time that happened? Pam The last time you went down the Nag's Head with Del! Alan I didn't! Vicar (In mid-sentence) ... and constantly believe God's holy word and obediently keep his commandments. (To Rodney and Cassandra) Dost thou renounce the devil and all his works? Rodney shoots a fearful glare at Damien. We see Damien looking back at Rodney. Cassandra I renounce them all. Vicar Dost thou renounce the vain pomp and glory and the carnal desires of the flesh? Del shoots a questioning/suspicious glance at Rodney. Rodney (To vicar. Embarrassed by Del's glance) Yes. Cassandra is embarrassed because Rodney has given the wrong answer. Cassandra (Quietly to Rodney) No! Rodney (Quietly) We do! Cassandra (With the correct response) I renounce them all. Rodney (Now remembering the instructions) Oh yeah, me too. Cut away to Boycie and Marlene. Marlene It's lovely, innit? Boycie Stunning. Marlene Don't you feel anything? Boycie Yes, I feel a great urgency to get out of here as soon as possible and finish my packing. You do realise we're going on holiday tomorrow? Marlene I've finished all the pack- ing! Stop moaning, Boycie, or I'm gonna get annoyed... D'you remember Tyler's christening? Boycie Yeah. Better church than this though, weren't it? Vicar (To Rodney and Cassandra) Godparents, will you please name this child. Rodney Yes. It's Damien Derek Trotter. Vicar (Questions name) Damien Derek? Cassandra Yes. The vicar looks to Del and Raquel. Del (Confirms) Damien Derek. Vicar Fine. The vicar takes Damien and places water on the baby's forehead. Vicar (Cont'd) I baptise thee Damien Derek in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. We see Rodney's eyes widening with fear as the Antichrist is christened. Vicar We receive this child into the congregation of Christ's flock and do sign him with the sign of the cross. The vicar makes the sign of the cross on Damienís forehead. We see Rodney's fearful reaction to the sign of the cross. He has a great dread that something terrible's about to happen as it did in the film. There is a sudden flash of light across Rodney's face. He whimpers with fear. We now see it was Mickey Pearce, who is standing close to Rodney, taking a photo of the baptism. Mickey (To Rodney) What is wrong with you, Rodney? Rodney Nothing! EXT. DAY. THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH. The front of the church is even more decrepit then the back or interior. A couple of the windows are boarded up and someone has sprayed 'Free Nelson Mandela' across a wall. There is scaffolding in front of the main doors. The whole group, including the vicar, prepares to take a snap with his Cannon sureshot. He places it on the roof of Del's car. Del Oi, oi, oi, oi, mind the paintwork, will you? Denzil Come on, Mickey, get a move on! Mickey I'm just setting the auto- matic timer. Rodney (To Del) He's no David Bailey, is he? Del David Bailey? More like Bathe-it-Daily. Mickey Ready. Everyone smile. Everyone smiles. Mickey Smile, Trigger! Trigger I am smiling. Mickey clicks auto-timer on then runs round to get in shot. We see Pam and Alan smiling. Mickey runs round and stands directly in front of Pam. The camera clicks. Mickey moves back towards camera revealing a fuming Pam. The group now breaks up into smaller groups. We see Del and Raquel, who is holding Damien, shaking hands with the vicar. Del Ah! Thank you very much, reverend, that was a cracking display. Raquel (Correcting Del) It was a beautiful ceremony, thank you. Vicar Oh, my pleasure. Perhaps I'll be seeing you two again in the near future? Del What, us two? What, you mean the wedding? Don't hold your breath on it son, she's still married. Del Laughs. Raquel (Gets in quickly) (To Vicar) I'm legally separated - I'm waiting for my divorce to come through. Del Yeah, almost pukka. Vicar When, or if, you need me, I'll be here. God bless you both. Del Yeah. Raquel Thank you, Reverend. Del Thanks very much, Reverend. Oh by the way Reverend. I'll be in to see you in a minute. I've got something I want to talk to you about. Vicar Yes of course. I'll be inside. Del Good. The Vicar exits to church, struggling through the scaffolding. We see Mickey Pearce ear-wigging the next few speeches. Raquel is thinking this could be about their future wedding. Raquel What do you want to see him about? Del Just a bit of business, sweetheart, bit of business. Raquel (Angry through disappointment) Business? How can you discuss business here? This is a church! Del Ah come on, Raquel, even churches have got to make a profits! Have you read your Bible recently? Raquel Have you? Del NO, but I remember our RE teacher reading it to us once, and there is a chapter in the Bible actually called the Book of Profits! So don't tell me that God doesn't know a bit of bunce when he sees it! Raquel No, it... it doesn't mean profit. Marlene (Cutting in) A lovely christening, Raquel, one of the nicest I've been to. Raquel Oh thanks, Marlene. Marlene (Producing a present) Here, I've bought you a little present. It's one of them baby intercoms. You know, so as you can hear Damien if he cries at night. You can even talk back to him from your living room - let him hear Mummy's voice, you know. You'll be able to fix it up, won't you, Del? Del Mmh? Oh yeah, no problem, I'll get Rodney to do it tomorrow. Listen, I'll leave you two girls to have a chinwag. See you later, alright. (He is gone) Del moves through the crowd and bumps into Mike. Mike Er, listen Del, I'm gonna shoot off now, mate, and open up the pub. Listen, about the christening do I'm putting on for you, I'm a bit concerned, mate. Del Don't be, Michael. I've got every faith in you. Del tries to get away. Mike No, no, no, no I'm concerned about the money! You wouldn't like to actually pay me now? Or at least gimme a deposit. Del How dare you, Michael, talk business here? Outside a church, this is a church! Cor blimey! Del exits to church. Mike now considers the strong probability that he's about to be had. cut to Raquel and Marlene. Raquel So you're off on holiday tomorrow? Marlene Yeah, we're going to the States. We fly to Washington, then down to Atlantic City for a week and then on to Florida. Raquel Stop it, you're making me jealous. Marlene Well, it's not gonna be that good. Boycie's going with me! Marlene laughs. Marlene now spots Rodney standing alone a few yards behind them. Marlene Look at poor little Rodney! Is he still living at your flat? Raquel Well, he stays with me and Del from Monday to Friday then he spends the weekends with Cassandra. Marlene He only sees her at week- ends? Raquel Yeah. Marlene Oh well, I suppose it's more fun than fishing! Raquel and Marlene laugh at this as they walk out of shot to reveal Rodney in background. Rodney is standing alone and looking in direction of car park. We see Cassandra going to her car. Rodney watches her. He wants to call out to her but pride prevents him from doing so. Finally he cracks. He opens his mouth and is about to call when: Alan (OOV) Rodney. Rodney Hi, Alan. Alan joins Rodney. Alan So, how's the new job? Rodney What new job? Alan Working for Del. Rodney Oh that? Oh... fine. We've gone international now. Del's very big in Eastern Europe. Alan Oh that's right. Yeah, he was telling me. He's got contacts in Warsaw. Rodney No, Walsall. Alan Walsall? Rodney Yeah, but this bloke's cousin is an exporter in Romania. Alan Oh Romania?... Good! Look, er, how are you getting on with ... er..? He sees Cassandra driving away in her car. Alan (Cont'd) Alan doesn't bother finishing the sentence. Slightly embarrassed. Alan (Cont'd) Oh... Rodney (Trying to save the situation) Oh no, she... she's just going down the pub. I said I'd see her there later. You going down for one? Alan Yeah, oh yeah, just for a quick one. Rodney (Laughing at him) Just for a quick one! I know you too well! Alan No, no honestly, it will be just a quick one, I've had my orders! Oh, by the way, I've got something for you. Alan produces an average size envelope. He doesn't hand it to Rodney at this point. Rodney What's that? Alan It's a cheque. Do you remember when you first started to work for me you joined the firm's pension scheme? Well they finally came up with your repay- ments. Now I've had a talk to the insurance company and, they say, if you like, you can keep the policy open. I mean, in the long term it might prove to be the basis of a nice little nest egg for later years. Rodney Well, that's really nice of you, Alan. Yeah, I'm gonna take you up on that offer. Alan I knew you'd say that. Rodney Well, you know, I'm not one of these grab the money and run merchants. My philoso- phy's always been: look after the future now! Alan My sentiments exactly. (Opens envelope and looks at cheque) So let's see, nine hundred and thirty five pounds invested in a policy attracting a gross annual interest of what... Rodney (Cutting in) Nine hundred and thirty five pound! Oh I'll take that now, Alan! Alan But what about the future? Rodney What future? I work for Del! Rodney snatches the cheque and exits shot. EXT. DAY. THE CHURCH NAVE. We see Del walking to a door. INT. DAY. VESTRY. Vicar I don't quite understand what you mean, Mr. Trotter. Del Let me try to explain, shall I. Err... let me see, yes... What would you do if you had an extra ten or twenty thousand pounds a year coming in? Vicar Well... build a new youth club, buy a mini-bus for the old-folks' outings. I'm afraid I'm not used to making decisions of that magnitude. Del Oh well, I can change all that, Reverend. I have come up with an idea that can revolutionize your fund- raising mechanism. (Points to silver chalice) What do you put in there? Vicar Communion wine. Del Yeah, I know, but before you pour it in it's not communion wine, is it? Vicar Well, no, it's ordinary wine until I bless it. Del 'Til you bless it, exactly! Now then, tell me how long does that take to bless it? Vicar Two or three minutes. Del Two or three minutes, right, well let's call it what - say three minutes, that's three minutes, three times a day, that's three three's are nine, nine minutes a day, seven days a week, 'cos I know you blokes, you work on Sundays, an' all don't you? That works out about one hour a week - times fifty two - that works out to about two days a year you lose just blessing wine. And that's not including the trip down to Oddbins to pick it up. So I reckon that you lose about, what say - one week every year just blessing wine. Vicar Well, possibly. Del No possibly, no. Positively. You just think about it - think of all the other clergymen all over the country who are also losing one week every year, eh? Cor dear, we must be losing months and months of vicar- hours! Just... just think of all the good works that you could do with all them lost months. Vicar Well, I never thought of it like that before. Del Well I have, I have! And I tell you it has been bothering me. Come and sit down here, sit down, your Reverence. Just a minute. Del fetches chair. Vicar Well... Del No, it's alright you just sit down for a second and let me explain. (Del sits the Vicar in the chair) 'Cos I have worked out a way in which I can give you back that precious, quality time. Vicar How? Del Are you ready for this? Trotter's pre-blessed wine! Vicar Trotters' Pre-blessed wine? Del Yes, it's like the holy version of sliced bread. Right, hang on a minute, see, look, I've got this mate of mine, right. I have this mate of mine, he's a vintner up North and he's shipping in this new range of Romanian wine. Vicar Romanian wine? Del Yeah, it's gonna be all the rage, don't you worry about it. And the idea is this, they drive it straight up from Tilbury to here, where you will bless it by the lorry load, right? Then we'll ship it out to all the churches and all the cathedrals all over the country. I mean once we're up and running there'll be no stopping us. Where are we now? What? It's nearly 1992, I mean this time next year we'll be exporting all over Europe. And here is the brick on top of the chimney, right. We get it at one thirty nine a bottle, we knock it out at two pound fifty! The church'll be rejoicing, the flock'll be redeemed and you and I'll be a nicker and a bit in front - everyone's a winner. Rein a dire, rein a faire as they say in Lourdes. The vicar is totally fazed out by Del's speed. Vicar Yes, I could see how it could save time, but... Del Time, yes, of course it can save time. And time is money, money that is much better spent on roof and orphans and organs, that is my motto. Vicar It's very commendable of you, Mr. Trotter, but... I'm slightly, ...stunned! Del Yes, of course you are, course you are. Now you know how the people felt when they saw the burning bush or the first Pot Noodle. I mean this time next year, Thora Hird will be asking for your autograph! Yeah, I know, it knocks you sideways dunnit? I dunno, it must be a sign or something like that. Anyway, listen, I'll let you think about it, alright. In the meantime what I'll do is, I'll send in the first lorryload so you can have a bit of a practice. See if you can interest your other colleagues you know, square it with the bishops... Vicar Well... Del That sorta thing. You know it makes sense! Vicar Yes. Er, Mr... Del Oh, by the way, listen, I just wanted to slip you this. (Lays a few notes on table) that is for the christening - it was a belter. Bonjour for now. Del exits leaving the Vicar totally confused. Cut to: INT. DAY. NAVE. LOBBY LEADING TO MAIN DOORS. Del walks through the church, he semi-bows awkwardly to the altar. Mickey Pearce is waiting as Del exits. Mickey Del boy! Del Sshh, please. (Indicating the surroundings) What d'you want? Mickey I've heard there's some business going down, I was just wondering if there was something in it for me. I'm the managing director of me own firm now. Del Oh yeah? I'm very impressed, Mickey, no, there's nothing in it for you. I'm doing this for charity. Mickey Oh well, if... if you, hear of something, let us know, eh? I mean, I've always done you a good turn. Del When have you ever done anything for me? Mickey Er... Well, will do you turns in future then... Look just remember, if you need any help. Del Alright, thank you very much, Mickey. I'll bear it in mind, alright... (Now thinks) Wait a minute, wait a minute ...I was wondering... Mickey What? Del No, I don't think you can handle it. Mickey I can handle it, no sweat. What is it? Del Well, little bit out of your normal area this, Mickey, as long as you're not frightened of a challenge? Mickey There's nothing I like better than a challenge. I'm your man. Del Alright, put it there. Del spits on the palm of his right hand. Mickey does likewise. They slap hands. Del Good, that is a deal. You come with me and I'll tell you what I want you to do. They walk away from camera. Mickey My firm is a phase of expan- sion. I was computerised three months ago. Del Yeah? I thought you had a bit of a limp. EXT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK. Same day, same clothes. We see parked there the three wheel van, Boycie's Merc, Alan's Jag, Cassandra's Escort and Denzil's van. Del now pulls in his Capri Ghia. He alights and makes his way towards the back door to pub. As he does so, the door opens and Cassandra exits, hitting Del with the door as she rushes past. She is upset at something. Del Oh Gordon Bennett! Oh sweet- heart, what's the matter? Cassandra I've never been so embarrassed. I just wish you could choose your parents! Del (Alan's done it again tone) Oh not! It's not Alan again, is it? Cassandra It's always the same when we have family parties. A couple of drinks, that's all it takes. We see Alan appear at door. He appears exactly the same as previous scene. He leans against the wall. Del You ought to stay off the scotch. Alan I haven't been on the scotch, I've been on the shandies. Now Pam appears. She is slurringly drunk. This is a Pam we haven't seen before, with all her working class roots showing. Pam Hello Del. Issa smashing do! Alan Yeah, co... come on, love. Pam Kissy, kissy Del. Del begins to comply. Alan Del! Del Sorry! Cassandra Just take her home, daddy! Alan Oh yeah, what do I do with her then? Del Well, I've got a length of rope in the back of the van. Alan gives Del a serious looking at. Alan Don't, Del. Come on, Pam. Del Oooh. Del chuckles. Alan helps Pam into the back of the Jag. Cassandra (To Del) How am I gonna live the embarrassment down? Del Well, you'd better have a word with Rodney, he's had years of experience. Del laughs at this. Del (Cont'd) No, sorry, anyway talking about Rodney. What is it between you two? He's well gutted about this Saturday and Sunday arrangement. I mean, what's happened between you two? Cassandra It's private, Del. Del Alright, well I won't stick me nose in. But if you wanna talk, either of you, I'm here. And you know me, I'm straight down the line, no old bull and no porkies. Cassandra Thanks, Del. Del Alright. Cassandra Is Damien back at the flat? Del Oh yeah, yeah. Cassandra Who's babysitting? Del Mickey Pearce. They exit to pub. INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD. The christening party is in full swing and Albert is singing and playing the piano. He continues playing for a minute or so and then returns to bar. The juke box then takes over. Del is in the background with Raquel. We see Cassandra standing alone. Rodney appears a few yards behind her so she is unaware of his presence. Rodney is now in shirt sleeves, his suit jacket hanging on a nearby chair. Rodney is unsure whether to approach her: can he risk a row at Damien's christening party? Finally he steels himself, puts on a brave smile and steps forward towards her. At this point, Cassandra's attention is drawn to the bar where Marlene is showing Raquel the holiday brochure. Cassandra moves towards the bar. Cassandra Oh, is that the holiday brochure? Rodney is left in mid-approach. Marlene Yeah, look these are the hotels we're staying at. Cut away to bar where we find Boycie and Mike. Halfway through their conversation, Rodney appears at the bar close to them. Boycie I don't believe that woman! How many times have I got to tell her to keep quiet about this holiday? Mike Why's that then, Boyce? Boycie Well, I don't want every cat burglar in Peckham to know that my house is going to be empty for three weeks, do I? I'm security conscious these days. That's why I haven't ordered a mini-cab to take us to the airport. Del Boy's doing it. I wanted a close and trusted friend to take us. Mike Yeah, but they were all busy, were they? Boycie That's right, so I had to ask Del. Mike and Boycie laugh. Boycie Mind you, I've gotta hand it to him, he's put on a good spread here today. Mike What d'you mean he's put on a good spread? This is all on the slate. I've got so many of his slates under here I could re-tile me bloody roof. Rodney Oi, Del'll pay you, no worries. Boycie Yeah, Del's had a big cheque arrive. Rodney (To Mike) There, what about that, mouthy! Boycie Nine hundred and thirty five quid! Rodney (To Mike) See? Rodney now reacts to this familiar figure. Mike and Boycie continue over Rodney's reaction. Boycie I saw the cheque! Mike Yeah, I saw an advert for the RAC but I still broke down! Rodney now dashes across to his jacket hanging on the chair. He feels inside the pockets but the cheque is missing. Del appears behind him. Del is brandishing the cheque. Del Gotcha! You looking for that, are you? What d'you leave this in your jacket for? Someone could have taken it! Rodney Somebody did bloody take it! Del This could have been nicked, forged and cashed before you could say Marriage Guidance Council. Rodney reacts to these words. Rodney Shuddup about that! Del Well, that's it, listen, I'm taking this down, and I'm paying this into your account, next week, alright? Rodney Yes, alright. Del Right. How are things between you and Cassandra? Rodney Why? Del Well, you don't seem to be talking to her very much. Rodney Well, we ain't got to much to say to each other. Del What's the matter, Rodney? What's the problem between you two? Rodney It's private, alright? Del Look, you used to confide in me. Now you tell me nothing! Look, I might be able to help you. Rodney Del, watch my lips. It is private, alright? I'll sort it out my own way. Del Alright! You watch my lips. You'll sort nothing out without talking about it! Rodney (Angrily) Alright! Del Alright! Go on, go away and enjoy yourself. Rodney I will! Del Good! Del joins Boycie and Mike at the bar. Rodney moves a bit further down the bar to where Trigger is standing. Del Gawd! Mike, gimme a Pina Colada, I could strangle one, will you? Cut away to Rodney and Trigger. Rodney (To himself) Bloody women! Trigger Problems, Dave? Rodney I don't wanna talk about it, Trig. You ever been wrongly accused of something? Trigger Yeah, once. Rodney senses Trigger may be a soul mate. Rodney Yeah? How d'you get out of it? Trigger Well, I didn't, I was guilty. Rodney just stares at him for a few seconds then turns away. Cut away to Del, Boycie and Mike. Del Right then Boycie, now listen to me, I'm gonna take you down to the airport in style. You'll go in my Capri Ghia! What time d'you want me to pick you up? Boycie About eleven o'clock. The plane leaves at one thirty. Mike I don't think I'd go to America. Boycie And what's wrong with America? Mike It's violent, innit? Boycie (Laughing) You've been watching too much telly. Del Yeah. Mike I'm telling you, they're on the verge of a drugs war over there. Del Oh get out, who told you that? Mike (Sheepishly) Well, I saw a programme on the telly. Del On the telly! Del and Boycie laugh at this. Boycie See what I mean? Soppy as a sack. I'll bet he sent a note of sympathy to Rita Fairclough when old Len snuffed it. Del You know what, he closed the pub for a week when Daphne in Neighbours died! Del and Boycie laugh even louder. Mike When I say a programme on the telly... Trigger (Cutting in) I don't think you should laugh about things like that. Del Eh? Trigger The dead can't defend them- selves. Del No, no. You see Trig, the thing was... Trigger (Cutting in) She had a three month old baby. Mike Who did, Rita Fairclough? Trigger I'm talking about Daphne. Del Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry Trig. No, no, it was... it was tragic. Trigger Well, I've made my point. Trigger moves away from bar. Boycie Yeah... Er... Sorry about that, Trig. Del You've gotta be very careful. I mean Trig gets very emotional. He's Italian on his dad's friend's side. Mike When I say... listen fellas. Del What? Mike When I say a programme on the telly, I'm not talking about Hill Street Blues or Magnum. This was Panorama. Del/Boycie Panorama! Mike Yeah, listen, they've got contract killers on the loose over there. Del Well, how's that gonna affect Boycie? He's going with Thomas Cook! Boycie Michael, I hardly think some hit man's gonna have a pop at two British tourists. Del Yeah, and if he does he'd better do it in the evening. I mean, one look at Marlene when she gets outta bed's enough to make anyone run a mile! That woman could put the frights up Hannibal Lecter. Del, Mike and Boycie laugh at this. Mike I like that Del. Now Boycie's laughter slowly dies. Boycie Here, how'd you know what Marlene looks like when she gets out of bed? Del Your milkman told me. Boycie accepts this as a fair explanation. Boycie Oh! EXT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK. Cassandra is sitting on the wall. Rodney appears behind her. Rodney Hi. Cassandra Hi. Rodney Lovely evening. Cassandra Mmmh. Rodney You got time for a chat? Cassandra If it's got anything to do with uniforms the answer's no! Rodney Ssshh! No, it's nothing to do with uniforms! Cassandra I'm not dressing up as a Victorian maid for anyone. Rodney Will you keep your voice down? Look, I'd had a few drinks, and I said some- thing stupid. That's no reason to kick me out of the flat! I mean, haven't you ever said something stupid? Cassandra Yeah, a couple of years ago I said, 'I do!' Rodney That's not fair, Cass. Cassandra I didn't mean it, I'm sorry. Rodney Look, I won't mention uniforms again - promise. Cassandra Alright then. Rodney Well, glad the christening went off alright. Cassandra I thought it was really very moving. He's such a lovely baby. Rodney Lovely? He's always biting me. He takes great chunks of flesh out me arms. Cassandra You liar. He smiled when he saw you. Rodney Yeah, 'cos he thought here comes elevenses! They laugh. Cassandra Oh shut up, he's a beautiful little thing. Rodney Well, yeah that's easy for you to say innit? You haven't got to live in the same flat as h... Rodney realises he has touched on a sore subject. Rodney (Cont'd) Look, I'm sorry, I wasn't tryin' to... well, you know. Cassandra You don't live at Del's all the time. We spend the weekends together. Rodney Oh yeah, yeah, we spend weekends together. Cassandra Don't start, Roddy. We discussed all our problems with the Relate Counsellor. And d'you remember what she said? After she stopped laughing. She advised us to try and get back together gradually by just spending the weekends together at first. Rodney You must be joking. Cassandra Well the offer still holds. It's up to you, Roddy. Now, d'you think we could change the subject? Rodney Yes, sorry! How are things at the bank? Heard anything about your promotion? Cassandra Not yet. But I'm definitely on the short list. I've been invited to the company's seminar in Eastbourne. Rodney (Sarcastically) Ooh! A seminar in Eastbourne! Ooh! Sorry! Well, it's important then is it, this seminar? Cassandra It's where the final inter- views will be held. Rodney Well, here's to your future. Cassandra Ours. Rodney (Unconvinced) Yeah. Cassandra Don't look like that! Please? This is supposed to be a happy occasion. Rodney Well, that's just it! Everybody is celebrating. Boycie and Marlene are off to the States, Del and Raquel have just christened the chavvie. Cassandra Well, that could be us in a while. Rodney What? Cassandra No. I meant we could go to America. It's always been an ambition of mine. Once I get my promotion we could put some money aside and we could have a holiday in California or Florida. Rodney Yeah! When? Cassandra I don't know! A couple of years. Rodney smiles but his eyes show the disappointment. Rodney Cosmic! INT. DAY. SID'S CAFF. Ten days later. Rodney, suitcase by his side, is seated at a table with Albert, Trigger and Denzil. They all wear their working clothes and Trigger's broom is resting against wall. Sid, with the obligatory cigarette in the corner of mouth, is behind the counter. The other tables are taken by market and building site workers some of whom look very tough characters. Behind him we can hear a slightly heated discussion. Trigger But it's only a bunch of trees, Dave. There must be thousands of trees in the world. Rodney It's not just a bunch of trees, Trig! It is the Brazilian rain forest, the lungs of the world! And they are destroying it at the rate of twenty five acres a day! Trigger Where is that then exactly? Rodney Huh? Trigger Where is the Brazilian rain forest? Rodney It's on the outskirts of Luton! Where d'you think it is, Trig? It's in Brazil! Del, wearing his yuppy gear, enters in a buoyant mood. As he passes Albert he drops a bag of laundry by his side. Del Ah, Albert there you are! Listen I've booked you a front row seat at the Launderama. Go on, away you go. 'Ere, Rodney, I want a word with you. Ah, giss a decaffeinated Cappuccino and a jam doughnut, will you Sid? The conversation at Rodney's table continues under this exchange. Sid He's on about that bleedin' rain forest again! That's the fourth time this week, Rodney's given a lecture in my caff. Del Well, that's alright, he's worried about or world, ain't he? It wouldn't do you any harm to show a bit more care an' all, look at that. Rodney You see, it's fossil fuels! People do not realise the damage they are doing to this planet. Trigger I don't have none of them in my house. I use gas and oil. Rodney Trig, they are fossil fuels! Trigger Are they? I'll switch to coal in future. Rodney No! No! Coal is the same! Denzil I had a coal burner fitted in my place, it's not as dear as you think, you know Rodney. Albert exits. Del Put it on Rodney's slate, will you? Rodney I don't know how many bloody trees there are Trig, they're just cutting 'em down... Del Rodney, Rodders, leave it out! You'll never turn this lot Green as long as you've got an 'ole in your ozone! Yep. I've got some exciting news to tell you in private. Come on down here. Private, please, do you mind? Thank you. Del and Rodney move to an empty table. Rodney I give up on you two. God! It's so frustrating tryin' to make people understand what is happening on our planet. Del Yeah, I know, it gives you the right 'ump an' all. Rodney D'you know, they are more concerned with a postcard from Boycie and Marlene! Del Gawd, dear, 'ere we had one of those this morning. 'Ere look at that. It's a lovely hotel, innit, eh? Rodney is totally exasperated. Rodney Del! Alright, so what's this exciting news, then? Del Oh yes! Well I went down the bank this morning, right to pay in your cheque. I would have done it earlier but you know, I've been having trouble with me wine deal and what have you. Sid gives Del a bun. Del Thank you very much, Sid. Rodney So you have paid it in? Del Yeah. Of course I have. You've gotta look after that money, Rodney, I don't want you sending it all off to Sting, do I? Anyway, when I was down there I bumped into Cassandra, she was going to lunch, so I joined her. While I was having lunch I had this great idea on your behalf. Because I know how much you like to travel. Rodney I am not going to Romania! I know your wine ship- ment's developed problems. Del Who told you that? Rodney Raquel said you had a call form Bucharest last night and when you come off the 'phone you was all pale and sweaty. Del is nervous of this news leaking. Del Yep, itís alright, it's alright. It's nothing I can't handle - it's just a little hiccup with the old translation that's all. Anyway, listen, this idea was for you and Cassandra. We got talking, she was talking about Boycie's and Marlene's holiday. now it worked out that Cassandra would love to go to America. Rodney nods. Del (Cont'd) On the way down here, right, I called into Alex's, you know, the travel agents in the High Street. He has got a once in a lifetime offer, never to be repeated, right? It's practically almost a give away, Rodney! Return tickets to Miami, two hundred and fifty smackeroonies. Rodney Yeah, well that's a monkey before you got a bed for the night, innit? Del No, no, no, no it ain't! You see, because, here's the cherry on top of the cake... two go for the price of one! Think about it, Rodney. You and Cassandra spending a week on Miami Beach! Rodney smiles at the prospect - he is nibbling the bait. Rodney Miami... Na, I could never afford it! Del Course you can afford it, what are you talking about, you've got your Maxwell money, haven't you? Rodney Me what? Del Maxwell, your pension money! Rodney has obviously taken the bait. Rodney Miami? Del Mmmh. Rodney Two for the price of one? Del Oh Rodney, just think about it, I mean, she'll love it, she will, I know that. Just imagine how old Cassandra's gonna feel when you announce your holiday of a lifetime! She'll be all over you like a rash! (Laughs) I mean, is that5 a brilliant idea or is it just, like, wonderful or what? Rodney Bloody 'ell, Del, it's a cosmic idea! Del Yeah. Rodney Would you let me have the time off? Del Of course you can have the time off! Rodney Oh, ace. Oh, but what about Cassy? Del No, it's alright, don't worry about her, because the bank like they owe her a couple or three weeks holiday, she told me. You're off and running, bruv! Rodney Yeah? Del Yeah. Rodney I'd better go and 'phone her, just make sure it's alright. Del No, no! Donít 'phone her. Rodney No? Del No, don't phone her, no, no, no. Sit down there. You take her out to dinner, right and, then you get to the old coffee and the Gran' Marnier stakes you throw the tickets down on to the table and say; Darling, I'm taking you to Miami. You'll knock her bandy! Rodney Yeah! Right, I'd better get down that travel agents a bit sharpish. Del No, no, don't go down there, no, no, no, no, no, no. Stay there. Save the shoe- leather, Rodney. Del lays the airline tickets on the table. Del (Cont'd) 'Cos, you see, I got 'em for you. Rodney Derek, you are a diamond... I... How did d'you know I wanted 'em? Del Mmh? Well, I just thought to myself, even a plonker like you wouldn't turn your nose up at a deal like this. Rodney I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes! I wouldn't have thought of that in a million years... How did you afford it? I thought you were skint. Del I am. I took your cheque down the bank and cashed it. Rodney You took one of money out of my account... you... Del mistakes this fro gratitude. Del Don't you dare thank me! It was nothing, it's no big deal, I can forge your signature as easy as that. INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. This is a few days later. Albert is watching TV. Del, in his yuppy clothes and carrying all the yuppy paraphernalia, enters from hall/front door. He appears harassed and hunted. Upon seeing Albert he changes to casual mood. Del Alright, Unc'? Albert Yeah, lovely, son. Del Where is everyone? Albert Little 'uns in his cot, Raquel's cooking the tea, Rodney's taken Cassandra out to dinner. 'Ere, he's gonna tell her about Miami. Coo, I'd love to be there and see her face. Del (Has a little edge to his tone) Yeah! So would I. 'Ere, look, alright, oi, oi, oi. (Turning TV off) Now just... Any calls for me? Albert Calls? Del Yes, you know has the telephone rung and a voice asked to speak to me? Albert Not that I'm aware of. Del Right, good. Thank God for that! Albert Talking about God, I saw a funny thing today. I was walking past the church, you know, the one where we held the christening, and there was a big, articulated lorry parked in the grounds. There was some sort of German writing on the side and the back doors were open - full up of cases of wine, it was. Del looks fearful. Albert (Cont'd) And that vicar, the one what christened Damien, he was making the sign of the cross and saying a prayer to this lorry. Del (Cringing) Funny old world, innit, eh? Listen to me. Anyone 'phones or calls round here, and asks for me, I'm not in! Alright? Raquel, unseen by Del, has entered from the kitchen. Raquel When you say, 'anyone' do you mean particularly people with Romanian accents? Del No! Hello sweetheart, didn't hear you creep in. No, I didn't mean people with Romanian accents. I just thought I ought to maintain a bit of a low profile for a while. So anyway, I think I'll go and take a look at Damien. Raquel You dare! It takes me over an hour to get him to sleep. Del Oh, alright, alright. Well, I think I'll make myself a Singapore Sling to er, unwind and then I'll take a nice hot bath. We hear the front door slam. Albert (Excited) Rodney's back! Rodney enters from the hall. He is wearing his best suit and is fuming. Del Alright, Rodders? Raquel Come on then. What's Cassandra say? Rodney slams the hall door. Rodney I'm going to bed! Del Everything all right, bruv? Rodney Oh brilliant, Del! Bloody brilliant! Cassandra can not come to Miami with me! Del Eh? Albert Why not? Rodney Because she is busy that week! Raquel Doing what? Rodney Oh she has to attend the bank's seminar in bloody Eastbourne! Can you believe that? She is giving up a trip to Miami for some crappy interviews so as she can become an executive! Del That girl ought to get her priorities right! Raquel Now hold on a moment. Let's be fair about this. Del Now, hold on, let's be fair about this, Rodney. Raquel Cassandra's told me about these interviews. They're very important to her. She's been going to college and evening school for five years now and it's all been leading to this seminar. You can't expect her to risk her future for seven days in the sun. Rodney It's not that, Raquel, it's... well it's just my luck, innit? Any other week of the year would have been fine. But, no, it had to be that week! Raquel I know it's tough, Rodney, but... well... it's just the way it goes. Rodney Well for me it is, yeah... See you in the morning. Rodney exits to the bedrooms area. Del Yeah. Goodnight bruv. Dear, oh dear, oh Lord. That's a body-blow, innit? There you are. Del hands Albert a drink. Albert Yeah. He was really looking forward to that as well. Raquel It's a pity he didn't 'phone Cassandra first to make sure everything was alright. Del Yeah. Well, of course, I said to him, I told him to, 'Phone her! I said, 'You 'phone her - make sure she can make that week.' But you know he wouldn't listen, you know what he's like, don't you? Raquel Mmmh. It's a shame. Del Yeah. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM. We have never seen Rodney's bedroom before so, regard- less of what it may have looked like prior to this, it is now Damien's nursery. It is a smallish room. In one corner is the baby's cot, opposite is Rodney's bed with a very plain, old-fashioned mahogany headboard. We have Rodney's old and slightly battered wardrobe and Damien's brand new set of white chest-of-drawers covered with little transfers of fairy tale characters and a little baby lamp on top. The wallpaper is Thomas the Tank Engine with Smurf curtains. On Damien's side of the room we have a couple of wall pictures of The Shoe People and the Magic Roundabout. On Rodney's wall there is a large poster of ZZ Top. We see Damien lying fast asleep in his cot. All is warmth and peace - like a scene from a Carvel ad. We now pan to Rodney's side and find his suit and shirt thrown in a heap on the end of the bed. We find Rodney sitting on the bed and just removing and chucking his last sock. Rodney mumbles very quietly to himself. Rodney Stupid bank! Stupid, stupid bank. He falls back onto bed and pulls the comforting covers up around his neck. He lays his weary head on the pillow and closes his eyes. We stay on him for a couple of seconds. All is silent - not even the sound of breathing. Now something makes Rodney half-open his eyes. Now we cut to a shot from Rodney's POV. We see Damien standing in his cot and staring at Rodney. Music over: A quick burst of the Omen theme. Kill music and cut back to Rodney whose eyes are also wide open - but with fear. Rodney lifts himself up onto his elbow and tries to regain his composure. Rodney Go to sleep, Damien! Other- wise Uncle Rodney will get angry, and you wouldn't like me when I'm angry! As Rodney speaks his next line we pan up to the baby lamp atop the chest-of-drawers. Next to the lamp we see the baby intercom box (Marleneís present). Rodney (OOV) Look, just pack it in, will you? INT. NIGHT. THE LOUNGE. We find Del and Albert looking curiously towards the other baby intercom box. We hear Rodney from the box. Rodney (OOV, distorted) You don't frighten me. So just go to sleep, you little sod! Albert What's he doing in there? Del Dunno, it sounds like he's having a row with Damien! Del moves to the intercom box. Del (Cont'd) How d'you work this thing? Del switches the intercom box on. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM. Rodney lays back in bed and closes his eyes. We hear Del speaking through the baby intercom box. Del (OOV, distorted) Who'd you think you're talk- ing to, Rodney? Rodney opens his eyes in alarm believing that the eight -month-old Damien has just had a pop at him. Rodney Jesus on a bike! He leaps out of bed. INT. NIGHT. LOUNGE. Del is standing by the intercom box as Raquel enters from kitchen. Raquel What's happened? Now Rodney, in dressing gown and being pursued by devils, flies in from bedrooms area. He stops and tries to appear normal. Del You alright, bruv? Rodney Yeah... yeah, fine. Raquel You look pale. Rodney No, um, oh I was just think- ing, oh what I, I'll probably won't sleep in ere with Damien, no more, 'cos, I... I keep snoring, and waking him up, bless him. I'll, I'll kip down here on the sofa if that's alright? Del Yeah, anything you like, bruv. Rodney Right, well, I'll just have a quick shower then I'll hit the sack. We now hear Damien crying. Rodney (To Raquel) Sorry. Raquel That's alright, I'm used to it. Raquel exits to the bedrooms area. Del You going, are you, love, yeah? Alright. You was really looking forward to going to Miami, weren't you? Rodney I had, dreams, you know, of what it would be like. Albert You'll get your money back, though son. Rodney No I won't. The ticket's are non-refundable. Del Still going though, aren't you? Rodney Well, of course I ain't! Del Of course you are, Rodney. You've gotta go! Otherwise Cassandra'll think you're nothing but a... a little puppet who can't do anything unless she, she pulls your strings! Rodney Yeah, but I'll be on me own! Del All on your own! You're only going for a week, ain't you! You ought to think about him. (Indicating Albert) He was all on his own once for three months on an uninhabited island. Of course it wasn't uninhabited when he arrived but that's another story! Now listen, Rodney, now you've gotta go. You've gotta prove to Cassandra that you're a man! And you're not frightened to stand on your own two feet in the big world! Rodney D'you know, you're right! Del Yeah. Albert So, are you going, son? Rodney answers with an emphatic, masculine deter- mination. Rodney Possibly! Rodney exits to bedrooms area. Albert He won't go, will he? Del Yeah, course he'll go, Unc'. And d'you know why? 'Cos I'm going with him. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM. Raquel is putting Damien in his cot. Raquel There you are. You've got a lovely cot, haven't you? You're all warm and happy. We wish poor Uncle Rodney was, don't we? He can't go to Miami now. It's a shame. Shall I put your mobile on for you, the one Daddy bought you? Yeah. She winds the mobile up. Raquel (Cont'd) You've got a lovely Daddy, haven't you? Buying you all these nice presents. Raquel now pauses for thought. Raquel (Cont'd) Maybe Daddy could go with Uncle Rodney. You wouldn't mind, would you? He'll only be gone for a week. Raquel switches the mobile on. Nothing. She waits for it to spring to life. Still nothing. Raquel (Cont'd) (Baby talk) I wonder where Daddy got that from? Yeah, it's a mystery, like so many things. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert What about Raquel? Can you persuade her? Del Can Fergie ski? I only wanna go for a week in Miami. It's not like I'm taking a six month exhibition up the jungle, is it? Albert My Ada weren't too happy when I told her I was going abroad. Del No, that was 'cos you joined the navy and went round the world seven bloody times. No wonder the poor old cow got the needle. INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM. Raquel Na-nite, baby. Mummy's just outside. I'll switch your little box on in case you need me. She switches the intercom on. We hear Del and Albert speaking. Del (Distorted) All I wanna do is go to Miami with Rodney for seven days. I mean, he's got a ticket going begging. Raquel has been to America ain't she? What about me? Nowhere, Benidorm and Bognor, that's me! Na, she'll be alright, Raquel'll be OK, you see. Yeah, I'll work her, every- thing'll be cushty. Raquel has been listening. She now smiles to herself. INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert I wouldn't be surprised if she puts the block on you. Del Leave it out, Uncle, I'm the guv'nor in this house, ain't I? I shall just tell her, I shall just say, I shall say, 'Raquel, I'll say I'm going to go to Miami with my brother. Like it or lump it.' Yeah, that's what I'll say. Pick the bones out of that, darling! Raquel enters from the bedrooms area. Del You alright, sweetheart? Raquel Yeah, he's settled down. Albert Del's got something to tell you, love. Raquel Oh yeah, what's that? Del (Right on the spot) That programme you want to watch on the television, the film is just about to start in a minute, innit? Come on, come on, come on, sit down on your chaise- longue, that's right. Raquel But your dinner's in the oven. Raquel sits down on the settee. Del Don't worry about that. I like it all baked up. Del gets up and turns the light down. Del (Cont'd) There we go. Can I get you a drink? Raquel No thanks. Del Oh alright then, now there you go. Are you nice and comfy there? Raquel Mmmh. Del sits next to her. There is a pause. Del There you are darling, yes, cushty. Come on then, come to your lover, that's it... Oh it's a shame, init? Raquel allows herself a little smile as she feigns interest in the TV. Raquel Mmmhhh! Del (Frustrated) Yeah, it's a crying bloody shame. Raquel What is? Del Poor little Rodney. Albert You mean those tickets to Miami, son? Del Yes, that's right Unc'. 'Cos Cassandra she can't go with him now, so he won't be able to go. Raquel Couldn't Rodney go on his own? Del No, definitely not! Raquel I went to America on my own. Del Yeah, I know that, but that's 'cos you've got a bit of savvy, haven't you? You couldn't have Rodney Trotter and Dan Quayle on the same continent! No, he needs someone to look after him. Yeah, trouble is, that's it innit? But what can you do, you know? Raquel Mmmmh. A pause. Del Poor little Rodney. Albert Here, I've got an idea. Del (Snatches at it) What's that, Unc'? Albert Why don't he take someone with him? Raquel That's a good idea. I'm surprised you didnít think of that, Del. Del Yeah, well, so am I. Yeah, yeah of course, trouble is... ummmm... Raquel Who? Del Who? Albert What about...Mickey Pearce? Del reacts. Del That's a, that's a great idea, it's brilliant, it's a brilliant idea, Unc', but the trouble is, the trouble is, the tickets you see are made out in the name of Trotter. And they're not transferable. Raquel You mean, he's got to go with someone named Trotter? Del Exactly, exactly... Oh dear. Poor - little - Rodney! Raquel can hardly stop herself from laughing. Raquel Why don't you go with him, Del? Del Meeee? Albert Yeah! Your name's Trotter. Del Yes, yes, that's great, yeah. But... Raquel But what? Del No I, no I, I couldn't go and leave you and little Damien on your own. Albert I'd be here. Del Yeah, that's like asking MacDonaldís to look after your cow, innit? Raquel But it's only for a week. I think Damien and I could just about manage to survive. Del Yeah, no, no, I couldn't do that, darling, no because I'm not that sort of bloke, you see. I mean I'd be worried sick. Raquel Oh, alright then, don't wanna make you ill. Del reacts as if to say 'shit, I've lost my chance'. Del On the other hand, I don't wanna be selfish. Raquel I couldn't imagine you doing that, Del. Del No, no, you see, the thing is, the thing is. This is a chance of a lifetime for little Rodney, the poor little cock, you know. And well, as it was my idea I feel partly to blame. Raquel (Kissing Del) Go to Miami, Del. Del Oh, really? Raquel Really. You'll love it! Del T'riffic! Of course, I'm not really looking forward to it, no, I'm just doing it for... Raquel Poor little Rodney. Del Poor little Rodney. Yeah, oh darling,, you know what Raquel, you've got a heart like a diamond, you have, you have. You know what you remind me of, you remind me so much of my Mum. Raquel Thanks. Del And I'll bring you back a blinding present. Rodney enters from the bedrooms area. He wearing a towelling dressing gown and is showered. Albert Here Rodney, Del's got some good news for you. Del Yeah! Rodney Oh yeah, what's that then? Del I'm coming to Miami with you! Rodney No you bloody ain't! Del Eh? Rodney I ain't going on holiday with you! Del is embarrassed and desperate. Del (To Raquel) Excuse me. (To Albert) Excuse me a moment, would you? (Indicating the bedrooms area) Rodney, could I have a word with you in the executive boardroom, please? Rodney Yeah, wherever you want. Rodney exits to the bedroom area. Del Thank you very much. (To Albert and Raquel) Sorry about this, it's er, he's just a little mixed up! I'll soon straighten him out. Thank you. Del exits to the bedrooms area. INT. NIGHT. HALLWAY IN BEDROOM AREA. Rodney is waiting as Del enters from the lounge. Rodney You've got a bloody nerve, ain't you? Del Sssh, Damien! Rodney reacts. Del (Cont'd) In here. Del opens the door to his and Raquel's bedroom. INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM. Del and Rodney enter. Del What's the matter with you, Rodney? What is your problem? Rodney Del, I'm not flying four thousand miles across the Atlantic Ocean with you in me earhole all day and all night. I was hoping for a break from all that! You seem to forget, I've been on holiday with you before. Del That's charming, that is, isn't it, eh? Absolutely charming! After all that I have done for you. Oh dear, what thanks do I get, eh? No bloody thanks, that's the thanks I get! We now hear Damien crying. Del (Cont'd) An' I... an' I... Now look what you've done! (Calling from door) Ssshh, sshh, Damien, sshh, it's alright, Daddy's here. (Calls louder) Raquel! (To Rodney) Of course we've been on holiday before, Rodney, and we had a bloody good time, didn't we? Rodney No. You had a good time, Del, everybody else within a radius of three hundred yards was praying their spleen would burst! You got drunk, you shouted things at women, you got us into fights. Del We were on holiday! Rodney Well, this time I'm looking for a more relaxing holiday. Del Relaxing ho... Oh, I see, so what are you trying to say that I'm not relaxing co... that I'm not relaxing company, is that, is that... (Shouting from door) Raquel, the baby's crying! (Closing door) Look Rodney, that's all different now, that, that was in the past, you see, 'cos I am a changed man, see? The reason why I am changed, I'm telling you, look, I'm a married man with a baby. Well I mean, I've got a baby. (Referring to the sound of Damien) You see, and that's the reason why I've changed. Because I have got a son whom I cherish. Raquel (OOV) Alright, darling, I'm coming. Del And there is the mother of my son who cherishes me. Raquel (OOV, angrily) Don't break your back, Trotter, I'll deal with him! Del Thank you, sweetheart, thank you. You're judging me by a few what, misguided incidents, that's all. I've told you, I'm changed now! Rodney, come on, you wanna go to Miami, don't you? Rodney Well, of course I wanna go! But, well, this time I want to be - sensible. Del Sense... Sensible, course you do! I'm sensible. Sensible's my middle name. Raquel (OOV) Del, will you bring me a nappy? Del Yes, of course I will sweet- heart. See, see that? Look Rodney, look, look, I mean look, all that I wanna do, is just sit on a beach and relax. Rodney Well, same here. Del Well, there you are. They've got some blinding beaches in Miami. Rodney Mmm... Del Yeah... and they've got umm... some fantastic art museums in Miami. Rodney Yeah? Del Oh yeah, yeah. Rodney I wouldn't mind some of that myself. Del Well, of course you would and of course you can have it, Cinders, all you've got to do, is say the magic words. Rodney Yeah, but how you gonna swing it with Raquel? Del Oh that, swing it, I've already done it. I told, I tol, I tol, sshh. I, I told her straight. I said I wanna go to Miami with Rodney on holiday, that's what I said and I said like it or lump it. You pick the bones out of that, darling, that's what I said. Raquel (OOV) Derek! Del Coming, sweetheart! Come on, eh? You and me, eh? What d'you say, yeah, yeah? Rodney gives out a little smile as he weakens. Rodney Well... Del is yoking him on. Del Yeah, come on! Say the magic words, Rodney! Rodney Yeah, alright then! Del Yeah! Good boy, that's it, you see you know it makes sense! Right, where's that nappy? Del stretches to top of the cupboards. Rodney Well, you see, Del, we're older now, ain't we? Del Eh? Rodney We can appreciate the finer things of life, eh? Del What? Not half! Rodney (Reaching up for nappy) D'you want it? Del Yeah, yeah, gimme. (Catches nappy) Thanks. Rodney So this time let's be more - well, what's the word - sophisticated. Del Yeah, that's a great word. I've got another word as well I was thinking of, like: debonair. Rodney Yeah, yes, yeah. That's a good word. Del You see what I mean? We're beginning to think alike, bruv. Raquel Derek! Del Coming, sweetheart! I'm coming, I'm on me way. (Remembers) Oh yes. Del produces his leopard-skin swimming trunks from the cupboard and hands them to Rodney. Del (Cont'd) Just a minute, I'm coming. Look, good job I kept them! Del exits with a clean nappy. Rodney holds up the trunks and stares at them. Rodney mouths: Rodney Dear God! We hear the whine of a jet engine over Rodney's face and mixing through into the following scene. INT. DAY. AIRPORT. We see a jumbo jet of Virgin Airlines parked at the boarding gate - the mobile walkway is connected to the plane and ready to receive it's passengers. We pan up to window of departure lounge where we see Del looking down at plane. INT. DAY. DEPARTURE LOUNGE. The lounge is crowded with holiday makers, etc. Del is looking from the window. He and Rodney are wearing their holiday clothes - Del's are, naturally, brighter than Rodney's. Del moves excitedly to Rodney who is seated. Del 'Ere, have you seen it, Rodders? Rodney Seen what? Del You know, our plane! It's only a Jumbo Jet! Rodney Yeah, well they usually are. I mean, this is trans- Atlantic, innit? Del Yeah. (Savours the word) Transatlantic! A member of the Virgin ground staff makes an announce- ment over the mike. GS Thank you for waiting, ladies and gentlemen. Would all passengers seated in rows 19 through to 40 please come forward to board now? Thank you. Del Come on, Rodders! That's us! Rodney Wait, wait. Del Let's go. Rodney There's no hurry, Del. Del Yes, yes there is, there is Rodney. Come on, the sooner we're on the plane, the sooner old Biggles can take off! Del and Rodney pick up their hand luggage and approach the boarding gate where a member of the ground staff is checking ticket numbers. There is a small crowd of people here and Del elbows his way through. He bumps into and then elbows one man. Del (To man) Eh! Excuse me, what's your game pal, eh? Come on, there's no rush. (To Rodney) Blimey, anybody would think he owned the plane! Rodney looks at the man and does a double take. We see the man is Richard Branson. Richard smiles politely. Rodney cringes with embarrassment. Shot of Del and Rodney walking down walkway towards the plane. Del Hey, hey come on! Come on, Rodders! (Singing) Everything's free in America, kippers for tea in America. (To Stewardess) Have a nice day. Rodney Oi! Pack it in, get on that aeroplane! Del Alright, alright.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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