EXT. DAY. CAR PARK AT BACK OF DILAPIDATED LONDON
CHURCH.
We see some of the familiar cars of the regulars. The
Trotters' three wheeled van, Del's Capri Ghia,
Boycie's Mercedes, Alan's Jaguar, Cassandra's Escort
and Denzil's transit bearing the hand-painted legend
'Transworld Express'. Over this we hear the vicar's
words from inside the church.
Vicar
(OOV)
Almighty and everlasting God,
we give thee humble thanks,
for thou hast vouchsafed to
call us to the knowledge of
thy grace, and faith in
three: Increase this
knowledge, and confirm this
faith in us evermore.
INT. DAY. THE NAVE OF CHURCH.
The interior is also old and slightly dilapidated. Del
and Raquel, who is holding the eight-month old Damien,
stand close to the font as the 35-year-old vicar
performs the baptism ceremony. Rodney and Cassandra
stand a few yards back from the font. There is
obviously an atmosphere between them. We shall
discover their fragile marriage has developed a major
and mysterious problem. Rodney's eyes flicker
uncertainly in her direction. During the vicar's
speech we pan across the congregation.
Vicar
Give thy holy spirit to this
infant, that he may be born
again, and be made an heir
of everlasting salvation;
through our Lord Jesus
Christ, who liveth and
reigneth with thee and the
Holy Spirit, now and for
ever, Amen.
During this we see Boycie, Marlene and Tyler (who is
now about three). Tyler is wearing a suit and tie and
dressed like a little Boycie. Marlene is close to
tears as she watches the christening. Boycie is bored
and irritable - he has better things to do. We see
Denzil and Mickey Pearce watching the proceedings.
Mickey is placing film in his camera. Alan and Pam
smile benignly - Pam's smile slightly forced - she
doesn't mind slumming it once in a while but this is
too far down the social ladder for comfort. Trigger
is surveying the roof and walls of church - he can't
remember ever being in one of these things before.
Mike checks his watch - he's got a pub to open.
Albert, in full medals, smiles proudly.
Vicar
(Quietly to Rodney
and Cassandra)
Godparents, please.
The vicar gestures them closer.
Cassandra
(Quietly to
Rodney)
D'you remember what you've
got to say?
Rodney
(Quietly)
Yes.
Cassandra steps forward, Rodney is a hesitant step
behind her. Rodney still hasn't quite got over his
'Damien, the Antichrist' phase. The vicar takes Damien
from Raquel and hands him to Rodney.
Del
(Whisper)
Be careful, Rodney. You drop
him, and I'll drop you.
Raquel
(Hisses a
warning)
Del!
Del
Well, he dropped a whole
Royal Doulton dinner service
once - nearly ruined it!
Raquel
(Whispers)
Shut up!
Del
Well!
Cassandra
Oh, look at his little face.
Rodney
(Non-committal)
Mmmh!
Vicar
(To Rodney and
Cassandra)
Dearly beloved, ye have
brought this child here to
be baptised, you have
prayed that our Lord Jesus
Christ would vouchsafe to
receive him, to release him
of his sins... (etc)
We cut away to Alan and Pam as the vicar continues.
Trigger is standing directly behind them. Trigger
leans forward to Alan. All this in hushed tones:
Trigger
Going down the pub, Alan?
Alan
Oh yeah, we'll be there.
Pam
We're going down the pub,
are we?
Alan
Got to be polite to Raquel
and Del. We've gotta wet
the baby's head.
Pam
Roughly translated, that
means, 'I can't wait to get
down the Nag's Head and get
legless with Del!'
Trigger
(Leans in to
Pam)
Take your time, Pam, we've
gotta christen the baby
first.
Pam
(Deeply offended,
to Alan)
Did you hear that?
Alan
Yes! Why you always on about
me getting drunk? When was
the last time that happened?
Pam
The last time you went down
the Nag's Head with Del!
Alan
I didn't!
Vicar
(In mid-sentence)
... and constantly believe
God's holy word and
obediently keep his
commandments.
(To Rodney and
Cassandra)
Dost thou renounce the devil
and all his works?
Rodney shoots a fearful glare at Damien. We see Damien
looking back at Rodney.
Cassandra
I renounce them all.
Vicar
Dost thou renounce the vain
pomp and glory and the
carnal desires of the
flesh?
Del shoots a questioning/suspicious glance at Rodney.
Rodney
(To vicar. Embarrassed
by Del's glance)
Yes.
Cassandra is embarrassed because Rodney has given the
wrong answer.
Cassandra
(Quietly to
Rodney)
No!
Rodney
(Quietly)
We do!
Cassandra
(With the correct
response)
I renounce them all.
Rodney
(Now remembering
the instructions)
Oh yeah, me too.
Cut away to Boycie and Marlene.
Marlene
It's lovely, innit?
Boycie
Stunning.
Marlene
Don't you feel anything?
Boycie
Yes, I feel a great urgency
to get out of here as soon
as possible and finish my
packing. You do realise
we're going on holiday
tomorrow?
Marlene
I've finished all the pack-
ing! Stop moaning, Boycie,
or I'm gonna get annoyed...
D'you remember Tyler's
christening?
Boycie
Yeah. Better church than
this though, weren't it?
Vicar
(To Rodney and
Cassandra)
Godparents, will you please
name this child.
Rodney
Yes. It's Damien Derek
Trotter.
Vicar
(Questions name)
Damien Derek?
Cassandra
Yes.
The vicar looks to Del and Raquel.
Del
(Confirms)
Damien Derek.
Vicar
Fine.
The vicar takes Damien and places water on the
baby's forehead.
Vicar
(Cont'd)
I baptise thee Damien Derek
in the name of the Father
and the Son and the Holy
Spirit.
We see Rodney's eyes widening with fear as the
Antichrist is christened.
Vicar
We receive this child into
the congregation of
Christ's flock and do sign
him with the sign of the
cross.
The vicar makes the sign of the cross on Damien’s
forehead.
We see Rodney's fearful reaction to the sign of the
cross. He has a great dread that something terrible's
about to happen as it did in the film. There is a
sudden flash of light across Rodney's face. He
whimpers with fear. We now see it was Mickey Pearce,
who is standing close to Rodney, taking a photo of
the baptism.
Mickey
(To Rodney)
What is wrong with you,
Rodney?
Rodney
Nothing!
EXT. DAY. THE FRONT OF THE CHURCH.
The front of the church is even more decrepit then the
back or interior. A couple of the windows are boarded
up and someone has sprayed 'Free Nelson Mandela'
across a wall. There is scaffolding in front of the
main doors. The whole group, including the vicar,
prepares to take a snap with his Cannon sureshot. He
places it on the roof of Del's car.
Del
Oi, oi, oi, oi, mind the
paintwork, will you?
Denzil
Come on, Mickey, get a move
on!
Mickey
I'm just setting the auto-
matic timer.
Rodney
(To Del)
He's no David Bailey, is
he?
Del
David Bailey? More like
Bathe-it-Daily.
Mickey
Ready. Everyone smile.
Everyone smiles.
Mickey
Smile, Trigger!
Trigger
I am smiling.
Mickey clicks auto-timer on then runs round to get in
shot. We see Pam and Alan smiling. Mickey runs round
and stands directly in front of Pam. The camera
clicks. Mickey moves back towards camera revealing a
fuming Pam. The group now breaks up into smaller
groups. We see Del and Raquel, who is holding Damien,
shaking hands with the vicar.
Del
Ah! Thank you very much,
reverend, that was a
cracking display.
Raquel
(Correcting Del)
It was a beautiful ceremony,
thank you.
Vicar
Oh, my pleasure. Perhaps
I'll be seeing you two again
in the near future?
Del
What, us two? What, you mean
the wedding? Don't hold your
breath on it son, she's
still married.
Del Laughs.
Raquel
(Gets in quickly)
(To Vicar)
I'm legally separated - I'm
waiting for my divorce to
come through.
Del
Yeah, almost pukka.
Vicar
When, or if, you need me,
I'll be here. God bless
you both.
Del
Yeah.
Raquel
Thank you, Reverend.
Del
Thanks very much, Reverend.
Oh by the way Reverend.
I'll be in to see you in a
minute. I've got something
I want to talk to you
about.
Vicar
Yes of course. I'll be
inside.
Del
Good.
The Vicar exits to church, struggling through the
scaffolding. We see Mickey Pearce ear-wigging the
next few speeches.
Raquel is thinking this could be about their future
wedding.
Raquel
What do you want to see him
about?
Del
Just a bit of business,
sweetheart, bit of business.
Raquel
(Angry through
disappointment)
Business? How can you discuss
business here? This is a
church!
Del
Ah come on, Raquel, even
churches have got to make a
profits! Have you read your
Bible recently?
Raquel
Have you?
Del
NO, but I remember our RE
teacher reading it to us
once, and there is a
chapter in the Bible
actually called the Book of
Profits! So don't tell me
that God doesn't know a bit
of bunce when he sees it!
Raquel
No, it... it doesn't mean
profit.
Marlene
(Cutting in)
A lovely christening, Raquel,
one of the nicest I've been
to.
Raquel
Oh thanks, Marlene.
Marlene
(Producing a
present)
Here, I've bought you a
little present. It's one of
them baby intercoms. You
know, so as you can hear
Damien if he cries at
night. You can even talk
back to him from your
living room - let him hear
Mummy's voice, you know.
You'll be able to fix it
up, won't you, Del?
Del
Mmh? Oh yeah, no problem,
I'll get Rodney to do it
tomorrow. Listen, I'll leave
you two girls to have a
chinwag. See you later,
alright.
(He is gone)
Del moves through the crowd and bumps into Mike.
Mike
Er, listen Del, I'm gonna
shoot off now, mate, and
open up the pub. Listen,
about the christening do I'm
putting on for you, I'm a
bit concerned, mate.
Del
Don't be, Michael. I've got
every faith in you.
Del tries to get away.
Mike
No, no, no, no I'm concerned
about the money! You wouldn't
like to actually pay me now?
Or at least gimme a deposit.
Del
How dare you, Michael, talk
business here? Outside a
church, this is a church! Cor
blimey!
Del exits to church. Mike now considers the strong
probability that he's about to be had. cut to Raquel
and Marlene.
Raquel
So you're off on holiday
tomorrow?
Marlene
Yeah, we're going to the
States. We fly to Washington,
then down to Atlantic City
for a week and then on to
Florida.
Raquel
Stop it, you're making me
jealous.
Marlene
Well, it's not gonna be that
good. Boycie's going with
me!
Marlene laughs.
Marlene now spots Rodney standing alone a few yards
behind them.
Marlene
Look at poor little Rodney!
Is he still living at your
flat?
Raquel
Well, he stays with me and
Del from Monday to Friday
then he spends the weekends
with Cassandra.
Marlene
He only sees her at week-
ends?
Raquel
Yeah.
Marlene
Oh well, I suppose it's more
fun than fishing!
Raquel and Marlene laugh at this as they walk out of
shot to reveal Rodney in background. Rodney is
standing alone and looking in direction of car park.
We see Cassandra going to her car. Rodney watches
her. He wants to call out to her but pride prevents
him from doing so. Finally he cracks. He opens his
mouth and is about to call when:
Alan
(OOV)
Rodney.
Rodney
Hi, Alan.
Alan joins Rodney.
Alan
So, how's the new job?
Rodney
What new job?
Alan
Working for Del.
Rodney
Oh that? Oh... fine. We've
gone international now. Del's
very big in Eastern Europe.
Alan
Oh that's right. Yeah, he was
telling me. He's got contacts
in Warsaw.
Rodney
No, Walsall.
Alan
Walsall?
Rodney
Yeah, but this bloke's cousin
is an exporter in Romania.
Alan
Oh Romania?... Good! Look,
er, how are you getting on with
... er..?
He sees Cassandra driving away in her car.
Alan
(Cont'd)
Alan doesn't bother finishing the sentence. Slightly
embarrassed.
Alan
(Cont'd)
Oh...
Rodney
(Trying to save
the situation)
Oh no, she... she's just
going down the pub. I said
I'd see her there later.
You going down for one?
Alan
Yeah, oh yeah, just for a
quick one.
Rodney
(Laughing at him)
Just for a quick one! I know
you too well!
Alan
No, no honestly, it will be
just a quick one, I've had
my orders! Oh, by the way,
I've got something for you.
Alan produces an average size envelope. He doesn't hand
it to Rodney at this point.
Rodney
What's that?
Alan
It's a cheque. Do you
remember when you first
started to work for me you
joined the firm's pension
scheme? Well they finally
came up with your repay-
ments. Now I've had a talk
to the insurance company
and, they say, if you like,
you can keep the policy
open. I mean, in the long
term it might prove to be
the basis of a nice little
nest egg for later years.
Rodney
Well, that's really nice of
you, Alan. Yeah, I'm gonna
take you up on that offer.
Alan
I knew you'd say that.
Rodney
Well, you know, I'm not one
of these grab the money and
run merchants. My philoso-
phy's always been: look
after the future now!
Alan
My sentiments exactly.
(Opens envelope
and looks at
cheque)
So let's see, nine hundred
and thirty five pounds
invested in a policy
attracting a gross annual
interest of what...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Nine hundred and thirty
five pound! Oh I'll take
that now, Alan!
Alan
But what about the future?
Rodney
What future? I work for
Del!
Rodney snatches the cheque and exits shot.
EXT. DAY. THE CHURCH NAVE.
We see Del walking to a door.
INT. DAY. VESTRY.
Vicar
I don't quite understand what
you mean, Mr. Trotter.
Del
Let me try to explain, shall
I. Err... let me see, yes...
What would you do if you had
an extra ten or twenty
thousand pounds a year
coming in?
Vicar
Well... build a new youth
club, buy a mini-bus for the
old-folks' outings. I'm
afraid I'm not used to
making decisions of that
magnitude.
Del
Oh well, I can change all
that, Reverend. I have come
up with an idea that can
revolutionize your fund-
raising mechanism.
(Points to silver
chalice)
What do you put in there?
Vicar
Communion wine.
Del
Yeah, I know, but before you
pour it in it's not
communion wine, is it?
Vicar
Well, no, it's ordinary wine
until I bless it.
Del
'Til you bless it, exactly!
Now then, tell me how long
does that take to bless it?
Vicar
Two or three minutes.
Del
Two or three minutes, right,
well let's call it what -
say three minutes, that's
three minutes, three times a
day, that's three three's
are nine, nine minutes a
day, seven days a week,
'cos I know you blokes, you
work on Sundays, an' all
don't you? That works out
about one hour a week -
times fifty two - that works
out to about two days a year
you lose just blessing wine.
And that's not including the
trip down to Oddbins to pick
it up. So I reckon that you
lose about, what say - one
week every year just
blessing wine.
Vicar
Well, possibly.
Del
No possibly, no. Positively.
You just think about it -
think of all the other
clergymen all over the
country who are also losing
one week every year, eh? Cor
dear, we must be losing
months and months of vicar-
hours! Just... just think of
all the good works that you
could do with all them lost
months.
Vicar
Well, I never thought of it
like that before.
Del
Well I have, I have! And I
tell you it has been
bothering me. Come and sit
down here, sit down, your
Reverence. Just a minute.
Del fetches chair.
Vicar
Well...
Del
No, it's alright you just sit
down for a second and let me
explain.
(Del sits the
Vicar in the
chair)
'Cos I have worked out a way
in which I can give you back
that precious, quality time.
Vicar
How?
Del
Are you ready for this?
Trotter's pre-blessed wine!
Vicar
Trotters' Pre-blessed wine?
Del
Yes, it's like the holy
version of sliced bread.
Right, hang on a minute, see,
look, I've got this mate of
mine, right. I have this
mate of mine, he's a vintner
up North and he's shipping
in this new range of
Romanian wine.
Vicar
Romanian wine?
Del
Yeah, it's gonna be all the
rage, don't you worry about
it. And the idea is this,
they drive it straight up
from Tilbury to here, where
you will bless it by the
lorry load, right? Then
we'll ship it out to all
the churches and all the
cathedrals all over the
country. I mean once we're
up and running there'll be
no stopping us. Where are
we now? What? It's nearly
1992, I mean this time next
year we'll be exporting all
over Europe. And here is
the brick on top of the
chimney, right. We get it
at one thirty nine a
bottle, we knock it out at
two pound fifty! The
church'll be rejoicing, the
flock'll be redeemed and
you and I'll be a nicker
and a bit in front -
everyone's a winner. Rein a
dire, rein a faire as they
say in Lourdes.
The vicar is totally fazed out by Del's speed.
Vicar
Yes, I could see how it
could save time, but...
Del
Time, yes, of course it can
save time. And time is
money, money that is much
better spent on roof and
orphans and organs, that is
my motto.
Vicar
It's very commendable of
you, Mr. Trotter, but...
I'm slightly, ...stunned!
Del
Yes, of course you are,
course you are. Now you know
how the people felt when
they saw the burning bush or
the first Pot Noodle. I mean
this time next year, Thora
Hird will be asking for your
autograph! Yeah, I know, it
knocks you sideways dunnit?
I dunno, it must be a sign
or something like that.
Anyway, listen, I'll let you
think about it, alright. In
the meantime what I'll do
is, I'll send in the first
lorryload so you can have a
bit of a practice. See if
you can interest your other
colleagues you know, square
it with the bishops...
Vicar
Well...
Del
That sorta thing. You know
it makes sense!
Vicar
Yes. Er, Mr...
Del
Oh, by the way, listen, I
just wanted to slip you this.
(Lays a few notes
on table)
that is for the christening
- it was a belter. Bonjour
for now.
Del exits leaving the Vicar totally confused. Cut to:
INT. DAY. NAVE. LOBBY LEADING TO MAIN DOORS.
Del walks through the church, he semi-bows awkwardly
to the altar. Mickey Pearce is waiting as Del exits.
Mickey
Del boy!
Del
Sshh, please.
(Indicating the
surroundings)
What d'you want?
Mickey
I've heard there's some
business going down, I was
just wondering if there was
something in it for me. I'm
the managing director of
me own firm now.
Del
Oh yeah? I'm very impressed,
Mickey, no, there's nothing
in it for you. I'm doing
this for charity.
Mickey
Oh well, if... if you, hear
of something, let us know,
eh? I mean, I've always
done you a good turn.
Del
When have you ever done
anything for me?
Mickey
Er... Well, will do you
turns in future then... Look
just remember, if you need
any help.
Del
Alright, thank you very
much, Mickey. I'll bear it
in mind, alright...
(Now thinks)
Wait a minute, wait a minute
...I was wondering...
Mickey
What?
Del
No, I don't think you can
handle it. Mickey I can
handle it, no sweat. What is
it?
Del
Well, little bit out of your
normal area this, Mickey, as
long as you're not frightened
of a challenge?
Mickey
There's nothing I like
better than a challenge. I'm
your man.
Del
Alright, put it there.
Del spits on the palm of his right hand. Mickey does
likewise. They slap hands.
Del
Good, that is a deal. You
come with me and I'll tell
you what I want you to do.
They walk away from camera.
Mickey
My firm is a phase of expan-
sion. I was computerised
three months ago.
Del
Yeah? I thought you had a
bit of a limp.
EXT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK.
Same day, same clothes. We see parked there the three
wheel van, Boycie's Merc, Alan's Jag, Cassandra's
Escort and Denzil's van. Del now pulls in his Capri
Ghia. He alights and makes his way towards the back
door to pub. As he does so, the door opens and
Cassandra exits, hitting Del with the door as she
rushes past. She is upset at something.
Del
Oh Gordon Bennett! Oh sweet-
heart, what's the matter?
Cassandra
I've never been so
embarrassed. I just wish you
could choose your parents!
Del
(Alan's done it
again tone)
Oh not! It's not Alan again,
is it?
Cassandra
It's always the same when we
have family parties. A
couple of drinks, that's all
it takes.
We see Alan appear at door. He appears exactly the same
as previous scene. He leans against the wall.
Del
You ought to stay off the
scotch.
Alan
I haven't been on the scotch,
I've been on the shandies.
Now Pam appears. She is slurringly drunk. This is a
Pam we haven't seen before, with all her working class
roots showing.
Pam
Hello Del. Issa smashing do!
Alan
Yeah, co... come on, love.
Pam
Kissy, kissy Del.
Del begins to comply.
Alan
Del!
Del
Sorry!
Cassandra
Just take her home, daddy!
Alan
Oh yeah, what do I do with
her then?
Del
Well, I've got a length of
rope in the back of the van.
Alan gives Del a serious looking at.
Alan
Don't, Del. Come on, Pam.
Del
Oooh.
Del chuckles.
Alan helps Pam into the back of the Jag.
Cassandra
(To Del)
How am I gonna live the
embarrassment down?
Del
Well, you'd better have a
word with Rodney, he's had
years of experience.
Del laughs at this.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, sorry, anyway talking
about Rodney. What is it
between you two? He's well
gutted about this Saturday
and Sunday arrangement. I
mean, what's happened
between you two?
Cassandra
It's private, Del.
Del
Alright, well I won't stick
me nose in. But if you wanna
talk, either of you, I'm
here. And you know me, I'm
straight down the line, no
old bull and no porkies.
Cassandra
Thanks, Del.
Del
Alright.
Cassandra
Is Damien back at the flat?
Del
Oh yeah, yeah.
Cassandra
Who's babysitting?
Del
Mickey Pearce.
They exit to pub.
INT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
The christening party is in full swing and Albert is
singing and playing the piano. He continues playing
for a minute or so and then returns to bar. The juke
box then takes over.
Del is in the background with Raquel.
We see Cassandra standing alone. Rodney appears a few
yards behind her so she is unaware of his presence.
Rodney is now in shirt sleeves, his suit jacket
hanging on a nearby chair. Rodney is unsure whether
to approach her: can he risk a row at Damien's
christening party? Finally he steels himself, puts on
a brave smile and steps forward towards her. At this
point, Cassandra's attention is drawn to the bar
where Marlene is showing Raquel the holiday brochure.
Cassandra moves towards the bar.
Cassandra
Oh, is that the holiday
brochure?
Rodney is left in mid-approach.
Marlene
Yeah, look these are the
hotels we're staying at.
Cut away to bar where we find Boycie and Mike. Halfway
through their conversation, Rodney appears at the bar
close to them.
Boycie
I don't believe that woman!
How many times have I got to
tell her to keep quiet about
this holiday?
Mike
Why's that then, Boyce?
Boycie
Well, I don't want every cat
burglar in Peckham to know
that my house is going to be
empty for three weeks, do I?
I'm security conscious these
days. That's why I haven't
ordered a mini-cab to take
us to the airport. Del Boy's
doing it. I wanted a close
and trusted friend to take
us.
Mike
Yeah, but they were all busy,
were they?
Boycie
That's right, so I had to
ask Del.
Mike and Boycie laugh.
Boycie
Mind you, I've gotta hand
it to him, he's put on a
good spread here today.
Mike
What d'you mean he's put on
a good spread? This is all
on the slate. I've got so
many of his slates under
here I could re-tile me
bloody roof.
Rodney
Oi, Del'll pay you, no
worries.
Boycie
Yeah, Del's had a big cheque
arrive.
Rodney
(To Mike)
There, what about that,
mouthy!
Boycie
Nine hundred and thirty five
quid!
Rodney
(To Mike)
See?
Rodney now reacts to this familiar figure. Mike and
Boycie continue over Rodney's reaction.
Boycie
I saw the cheque!
Mike
Yeah, I saw an advert for
the RAC but I still broke
down!
Rodney now dashes across to his jacket hanging on the
chair. He feels inside the pockets but the cheque is
missing. Del appears behind him.
Del is brandishing the cheque.
Del
Gotcha! You looking for
that, are you? What d'you
leave this in your jacket
for? Someone could have
taken it!
Rodney
Somebody did bloody take it!
Del
This could have been nicked,
forged and cashed before you
could say Marriage Guidance
Council.
Rodney reacts to these words.
Rodney
Shuddup about that!
Del
Well, that's it, listen, I'm
taking this down, and I'm
paying this into your
account, next week, alright?
Rodney
Yes, alright.
Del
Right. How are things
between you and Cassandra?
Rodney
Why?
Del
Well, you don't seem to be
talking to her very much.
Rodney
Well, we ain't got to much
to say to each other.
Del
What's the matter, Rodney?
What's the problem between
you two?
Rodney
It's private, alright?
Del
Look, you used to confide
in me. Now you tell me
nothing! Look, I might be
able to help you.
Rodney
Del, watch my lips. It is
private, alright? I'll
sort it out my own way.
Del
Alright! You watch my lips.
You'll sort nothing out
without talking about it!
Rodney
(Angrily)
Alright!
Del
Alright! Go on, go away and
enjoy yourself.
Rodney
I will!
Del
Good!
Del joins Boycie and Mike at the bar.
Rodney moves a bit further down the bar to where
Trigger is standing.
Del
Gawd! Mike, gimme a Pina
Colada, I could strangle
one, will you?
Cut away to Rodney and Trigger.
Rodney
(To himself)
Bloody women!
Trigger
Problems, Dave?
Rodney
I don't wanna talk about it,
Trig. You ever been wrongly
accused of something?
Trigger
Yeah, once.
Rodney senses Trigger may be a soul mate.
Rodney
Yeah? How d'you get out of
it?
Trigger
Well, I didn't, I was guilty.
Rodney just stares at him for a few seconds then turns
away. Cut away to Del, Boycie and Mike.
Del
Right then Boycie, now listen
to me, I'm gonna take you
down to the airport in style.
You'll go in my Capri Ghia!
What time d'you want me to
pick you up?
Boycie
About eleven o'clock. The
plane leaves at one thirty.
Mike
I don't think I'd go to
America.
Boycie
And what's wrong with
America?
Mike
It's violent, innit?
Boycie
(Laughing)
You've been watching too much
telly.
Del
Yeah.
Mike
I'm telling you, they're on
the verge of a drugs war over
there.
Del
Oh get out, who told you
that?
Mike
(Sheepishly)
Well, I saw a programme on
the telly.
Del
On the telly!
Del and Boycie laugh at this.
Boycie
See what I mean? Soppy as a
sack. I'll bet he sent a
note of sympathy to Rita
Fairclough when old Len
snuffed it.
Del
You know what, he closed the
pub for a week when Daphne
in Neighbours died!
Del and Boycie laugh even louder.
Mike
When I say a programme on the
telly...
Trigger
(Cutting in)
I don't think you should
laugh about things like that.
Del
Eh?
Trigger
The dead can't defend them-
selves.
Del
No, no. You see Trig, the
thing was...
Trigger
(Cutting in)
She had a three month old
baby.
Mike
Who did, Rita Fairclough?
Trigger
I'm talking about Daphne.
Del
Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry Trig.
No, no, it was... it was
tragic.
Trigger
Well, I've made my point.
Trigger moves away from bar.
Boycie
Yeah... Er... Sorry about
that, Trig.
Del
You've gotta be very
careful. I mean Trig gets
very emotional. He's
Italian on his dad's
friend's side.
Mike
When I say... listen fellas.
Del
What?
Mike
When I say a programme on
the telly, I'm not talking
about Hill Street Blues or
Magnum. This was Panorama.
Del/Boycie
Panorama!
Mike
Yeah, listen, they've got
contract killers on the
loose over there.
Del
Well, how's that gonna
affect Boycie? He's going
with Thomas Cook!
Boycie
Michael, I hardly think
some hit man's gonna have
a pop at two British
tourists.
Del
Yeah, and if he does he'd
better do it in the evening.
I mean, one look at Marlene
when she gets outta bed's
enough to make anyone run a
mile! That woman could put
the frights up Hannibal
Lecter.
Del, Mike and Boycie laugh at this.
Mike
I like that Del.
Now Boycie's laughter slowly dies.
Boycie
Here, how'd you know what
Marlene looks like when
she gets out of bed?
Del
Your milkman told me.
Boycie accepts this as a fair explanation.
Boycie
Oh!
EXT. NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK.
Cassandra is sitting on the wall. Rodney appears behind
her.
Rodney
Hi.
Cassandra
Hi.
Rodney
Lovely evening.
Cassandra
Mmmh.
Rodney
You got time for a chat?
Cassandra
If it's got anything to do
with uniforms the answer's
no!
Rodney
Ssshh! No, it's nothing to
do with uniforms!
Cassandra
I'm not dressing up as a
Victorian maid for anyone.
Rodney
Will you keep your voice
down? Look, I'd had a few
drinks, and I said some-
thing stupid. That's no
reason to kick me out of
the flat! I mean, haven't
you ever said something
stupid?
Cassandra
Yeah, a couple of years
ago I said, 'I do!'
Rodney
That's not fair, Cass.
Cassandra
I didn't mean it, I'm
sorry.
Rodney
Look, I won't mention
uniforms again - promise.
Cassandra
Alright then.
Rodney
Well, glad the christening
went off alright.
Cassandra
I thought it was really
very moving. He's such a
lovely baby.
Rodney
Lovely? He's always biting
me. He takes great chunks of
flesh out me arms.
Cassandra
You liar. He smiled when he
saw you.
Rodney
Yeah, 'cos he thought here
comes elevenses!
They laugh.
Cassandra
Oh shut up, he's a
beautiful little thing.
Rodney
Well, yeah that's easy for
you to say innit? You
haven't got to live in the
same flat as h...
Rodney realises he has touched on a sore subject.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Look, I'm sorry, I wasn't
tryin' to... well, you
know.
Cassandra
You don't live at Del's all
the time. We spend the
weekends together.
Rodney
Oh yeah, yeah, we spend
weekends together.
Cassandra
Don't start, Roddy. We
discussed all our problems
with the Relate Counsellor.
And d'you remember what she
said? After she stopped
laughing. She advised us to
try and get back together
gradually by just spending
the weekends together at
first.
Rodney
You must be joking.
Cassandra
Well the offer still holds.
It's up to you, Roddy. Now,
d'you think we could change
the subject?
Rodney
Yes, sorry! How are things
at the bank? Heard anything
about your promotion?
Cassandra
Not yet. But I'm definitely
on the short list. I've been
invited to the company's
seminar in Eastbourne.
Rodney
(Sarcastically)
Ooh! A seminar in Eastbourne!
Ooh! Sorry! Well, it's
important then is it, this
seminar?
Cassandra
It's where the final inter-
views will be held.
Rodney
Well, here's to your future.
Cassandra
Ours.
Rodney
(Unconvinced)
Yeah.
Cassandra
Don't look like that!
Please? This is supposed to
be a happy occasion.
Rodney
Well, that's just it!
Everybody is celebrating.
Boycie and Marlene are off
to the States, Del and
Raquel have just christened
the chavvie.
Cassandra
Well, that could be us in a
while.
Rodney
What?
Cassandra
No. I meant we could go to
America. It's always been
an ambition of mine. Once
I get my promotion we
could put some money aside
and we could have a
holiday in California or
Florida.
Rodney
Yeah! When?
Cassandra
I don't know! A couple of
years.
Rodney smiles but his eyes show the disappointment.
Rodney
Cosmic!
INT. DAY. SID'S CAFF.
Ten days later.
Rodney, suitcase by his side, is seated at a table
with Albert, Trigger and Denzil. They all wear their
working clothes and Trigger's broom is resting against
wall.
Sid, with the obligatory cigarette in the corner of
mouth, is behind the counter. The other tables are
taken by market and building site workers some of whom
look very tough characters. Behind him we can hear a
slightly heated discussion.
Trigger
But it's only a bunch of
trees, Dave. There must be
thousands of trees in the
world.
Rodney
It's not just a bunch of
trees, Trig! It is the
Brazilian rain forest, the
lungs of the world! And
they are destroying it at
the rate of twenty five
acres a day!
Trigger
Where is that then exactly?
Rodney
Huh?
Trigger
Where is the Brazilian rain
forest?
Rodney
It's on the outskirts of
Luton! Where d'you think it
is, Trig? It's in Brazil!
Del, wearing his yuppy gear, enters in a buoyant mood.
As he passes Albert he drops a bag of laundry by his side.
Del
Ah, Albert there you are!
Listen I've booked you a
front row seat at the
Launderama. Go on, away you
go. 'Ere, Rodney, I want a
word with you. Ah, giss a
decaffeinated Cappuccino
and a jam doughnut, will
you Sid?
The conversation at Rodney's table continues under
this exchange.
Sid
He's on about that bleedin'
rain forest again! That's
the fourth time this week,
Rodney's given a lecture in
my caff.
Del
Well, that's alright, he's
worried about or world,
ain't he? It wouldn't do you
any harm to show a bit more
care an' all, look at that.
Rodney
You see, it's fossil fuels!
People do not realise the
damage they are doing to
this planet.
Trigger
I don't have none of them
in my house. I use gas and
oil.
Rodney
Trig, they are fossil fuels!
Trigger
Are they? I'll switch to
coal in future.
Rodney
No! No! Coal is the same!
Denzil
I had a coal burner fitted
in my place, it's not as
dear as you think, you know
Rodney.
Albert exits.
Del
Put it on Rodney's slate,
will you?
Rodney
I don't know how many
bloody trees there are Trig,
they're just cutting 'em
down...
Del
Rodney, Rodders, leave it
out! You'll never turn this
lot Green as long as you've
got an 'ole in your ozone!
Yep. I've got some exciting
news to tell you in
private. Come on down here.
Private, please, do you
mind? Thank you.
Del and Rodney move to an empty table.
Rodney
I give up on you two. God!
It's so frustrating tryin'
to make people understand
what is happening on our
planet.
Del
Yeah, I know, it gives you
the right 'ump an' all.
Rodney
D'you know, they are more
concerned with a postcard
from Boycie and Marlene!
Del
Gawd, dear, 'ere we had one
of those this morning. 'Ere
look at that. It's a lovely
hotel, innit, eh?
Rodney is totally exasperated.
Rodney
Del! Alright, so what's
this exciting news, then?
Del
Oh yes! Well I went down the
bank this morning, right to
pay in your cheque. I would
have done it earlier but you
know, I've been having
trouble with me wine deal
and what have you.
Sid gives Del a bun.
Del
Thank you very much, Sid.
Rodney
So you have paid it in?
Del
Yeah. Of course I have.
You've gotta look after
that money, Rodney, I
don't want you sending it
all off to Sting, do I?
Anyway, when I was down
there I bumped into
Cassandra, she was going
to lunch, so I joined her.
While I was having lunch I
had this great idea on
your behalf. Because I
know how much you like to
travel.
Rodney
I am not going to Romania!
I know your wine ship-
ment's developed problems.
Del
Who told you that?
Rodney
Raquel said you had a call
form Bucharest last night
and when you come off the
'phone you was all pale
and sweaty.
Del is nervous of this news leaking.
Del
Yep, it’s alright, it's
alright. It's nothing I
can't handle - it's just a
little hiccup with the old
translation that's all.
Anyway, listen, this idea
was for you and Cassandra.
We got talking, she was
talking about Boycie's and
Marlene's holiday. now it
worked out that Cassandra
would love to go to
America.
Rodney nods.
Del
(Cont'd)
On the way down here, right,
I called into Alex's, you
know, the travel agents in
the High Street. He has got
a once in a lifetime offer,
never to be repeated,
right? It's practically
almost a give away, Rodney!
Return tickets to Miami,
two hundred and fifty
smackeroonies.
Rodney
Yeah, well that's a monkey
before you got a bed for
the night, innit?
Del
No, no, no, no it ain't!
You see, because, here's
the cherry on top of the
cake... two go for the
price of one! Think about
it, Rodney. You and
Cassandra spending a week
on Miami Beach!
Rodney smiles at the prospect - he is nibbling the
bait.
Rodney
Miami... Na, I could never
afford it!
Del
Course you can afford it,
what are you talking
about, you've got your
Maxwell money, haven't
you?
Rodney
Me what?
Del
Maxwell, your pension
money!
Rodney has obviously taken the bait.
Rodney
Miami?
Del
Mmmh.
Rodney
Two for the price of one?
Del
Oh Rodney, just think about
it, I mean, she'll love it,
she will, I know that. Just
imagine how old Cassandra's
gonna feel when you
announce your holiday of a
lifetime! She'll be all
over you like a rash!
(Laughs)
I mean, is that5 a brilliant
idea or is it just, like,
wonderful or what?
Rodney
Bloody 'ell, Del, it's a
cosmic idea!
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Would you let me have the
time off?
Del
Of course you can have the
time off!
Rodney
Oh, ace. Oh, but what about
Cassy?
Del
No, it's alright, don't worry
about her, because the bank
like they owe her a couple or
three weeks holiday, she told
me. You're off and running,
bruv!
Rodney
Yeah?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
I'd better go and 'phone
her, just make sure it's
alright.
Del
No, no! Don’t 'phone her.
Rodney
No?
Del
No, don't phone her, no,
no, no. Sit down there. You
take her out to dinner,
right and, then you get to
the old coffee and the
Gran' Marnier stakes you
throw the tickets down on
to the table and say;
Darling, I'm taking you to
Miami. You'll knock her
bandy!
Rodney
Yeah! Right, I'd better get
down that travel agents a
bit sharpish.
Del
No, no, don't go down there,
no, no, no, no, no, no.
Stay there. Save the shoe-
leather, Rodney.
Del lays the airline tickets on the table.
Del
(Cont'd)
'Cos, you see, I got 'em
for you.
Rodney
Derek, you are a diamond...
I... How did d'you know I
wanted 'em?
Del
Mmh? Well, I just thought to
myself, even a plonker like
you wouldn't turn your nose
up at a deal like this.
Rodney
I don't know what I'd do
without you sometimes! I
wouldn't have thought of
that in a million years...
How did you afford it? I
thought you were skint.
Del
I am. I took your cheque
down the bank and cashed
it.
Rodney
You took one of money out
of my account... you...
Del mistakes this fro gratitude.
Del
Don't you dare thank me! It
was nothing, it's no big
deal, I can forge your
signature as easy as that.
INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
This is a few days later. Albert is watching TV. Del,
in his yuppy clothes and carrying all the yuppy
paraphernalia, enters from hall/front door. He appears
harassed and hunted. Upon seeing Albert he changes to
casual mood.
Del
Alright, Unc'?
Albert
Yeah, lovely, son.
Del
Where is everyone?
Albert
Little 'uns in his cot,
Raquel's cooking the tea,
Rodney's taken Cassandra
out to dinner. 'Ere, he's
gonna tell her about Miami.
Coo, I'd love to be there
and see her face.
Del
(Has a little
edge to his
tone)
Yeah! So would I. 'Ere,
look, alright, oi, oi, oi.
(Turning TV
off)
Now just... Any calls for
me?
Albert
Calls?
Del
Yes, you know has the
telephone rung and a voice
asked to speak to me?
Albert
Not that I'm aware of.
Del
Right, good. Thank God for
that!
Albert
Talking about God, I saw a
funny thing today. I was
walking past the church,
you know, the one where we
held the christening, and
there was a big,
articulated lorry parked in
the grounds. There was
some sort of German writing
on the side and the back
doors were open - full up
of cases of wine, it was.
Del looks fearful.
Albert
(Cont'd)
And that vicar, the one what
christened Damien, he was
making the sign of the cross
and saying a prayer to this
lorry.
Del
(Cringing)
Funny old world, innit, eh?
Listen to me. Anyone 'phones
or calls round here, and
asks for me, I'm not in!
Alright?
Raquel, unseen by Del, has entered from the kitchen.
Raquel
When you say, 'anyone' do
you mean particularly people
with Romanian accents?
Del
No! Hello sweetheart, didn't
hear you creep in. No, I
didn't mean people with
Romanian accents. I just
thought I ought to maintain
a bit of a low profile for a
while. So anyway, I think
I'll go and take a look at
Damien.
Raquel
You dare! It takes me over
an hour to get him to
sleep.
Del
Oh, alright, alright. Well,
I think I'll make myself a
Singapore Sling to er,
unwind and then I'll take a
nice hot bath.
We hear the front door slam.
Albert
(Excited)
Rodney's back!
Rodney enters from the hall. He is wearing his best
suit and is fuming.
Del
Alright, Rodders?
Raquel
Come on then. What's Cassandra
say?
Rodney slams the hall door.
Rodney
I'm going to bed!
Del
Everything all right, bruv?
Rodney
Oh brilliant, Del! Bloody
brilliant! Cassandra can not
come to Miami with me!
Del
Eh?
Albert
Why not?
Rodney
Because she is busy that
week!
Raquel
Doing what?
Rodney
Oh she has to attend the
bank's seminar in bloody
Eastbourne! Can you believe
that? She is giving up a
trip to Miami for some
crappy interviews so as she
can become an executive!
Del
That girl ought to get her
priorities right!
Raquel
Now hold on a moment. Let's
be fair about this.
Del
Now, hold on, let's be fair
about this, Rodney.
Raquel
Cassandra's told me about
these interviews. They're
very important to her. She's
been going to college and
evening school for five
years now and it's all been
leading to this seminar. You
can't expect her to risk her
future for seven days in the
sun.
Rodney
It's not that, Raquel,
it's... well it's just my
luck, innit? Any other week
of the year would have been
fine. But, no, it had to be
that week!
Raquel
I know it's tough, Rodney,
but... well... it's just the
way it goes.
Rodney
Well for me it is, yeah...
See you in the morning.
Rodney exits to the bedrooms area.
Del
Yeah. Goodnight bruv. Dear,
oh dear, oh Lord. That's a
body-blow, innit? There you
are.
Del hands Albert a drink.
Albert
Yeah. He was really looking
forward to that as well.
Raquel
It's a pity he didn't 'phone
Cassandra first to make sure
everything was alright.
Del
Yeah. Well, of course, I
said to him, I told him to,
'Phone her! I said, 'You
'phone her - make sure she
can make that week.' But you
know he wouldn't listen, you
know what he's like, don't
you?
Raquel
Mmmh. It's a shame.
Del
Yeah.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM.
We have never seen Rodney's bedroom before so, regard-
less of what it may have looked like prior to this, it
is now Damien's nursery. It is a smallish room. In one
corner is the baby's cot, opposite is Rodney's bed
with a very plain, old-fashioned mahogany headboard.
We have Rodney's old and slightly battered wardrobe
and Damien's brand new set of white chest-of-drawers
covered with little transfers of fairy tale characters
and a little baby lamp on top. The wallpaper is Thomas
the Tank Engine with Smurf curtains. On Damien's side
of the room we have a couple of wall pictures of The
Shoe People and the Magic Roundabout. On Rodney's wall
there is a large poster of ZZ Top.
We see Damien lying fast asleep in his cot. All is
warmth and peace - like a scene from a Carvel ad.
We now pan to Rodney's side and find his suit and
shirt thrown in a heap on the end of the bed. We find
Rodney sitting on the bed and just removing and
chucking his last sock.
Rodney mumbles very quietly to himself.
Rodney
Stupid bank! Stupid, stupid
bank.
He falls back onto bed and pulls the comforting covers
up around his neck. He lays his weary head on the
pillow and closes his eyes.
We stay on him for a couple of seconds. All is silent
- not even the sound of breathing.
Now something makes Rodney half-open his eyes. Now we
cut to a shot from Rodney's POV. We see Damien
standing in his cot and staring at Rodney.
Music over:
A quick burst of the Omen theme.
Kill music and cut back to Rodney whose eyes are also
wide open - but with fear. Rodney lifts himself up
onto his elbow and tries to regain his composure.
Rodney
Go to sleep, Damien! Other-
wise Uncle Rodney will get
angry, and you wouldn't
like me when I'm angry!
As Rodney speaks his next line we pan up to the baby
lamp atop the chest-of-drawers. Next to the lamp we
see the baby intercom box (Marlene’s present).
Rodney
(OOV)
Look, just pack it in, will
you?
INT. NIGHT. THE LOUNGE.
We find Del and Albert looking curiously towards the
other baby intercom box. We hear Rodney from the
box.
Rodney
(OOV, distorted)
You don't frighten me. So
just go to sleep, you
little sod!
Albert
What's he doing in there?
Del
Dunno, it sounds like he's
having a row with Damien!
Del moves to the intercom box.
Del
(Cont'd)
How d'you work this thing?
Del switches the intercom box on.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM.
Rodney lays back in bed and closes his eyes. We hear
Del speaking through the baby intercom box.
Del
(OOV, distorted)
Who'd you think you're talk-
ing to, Rodney?
Rodney opens his eyes in alarm believing that the eight
-month-old Damien has just had a pop at him.
Rodney
Jesus on a bike!
He leaps out of bed.
INT. NIGHT. LOUNGE.
Del is standing by the intercom box as Raquel enters
from kitchen.
Raquel
What's happened?
Now Rodney, in dressing gown and being pursued by
devils, flies in from bedrooms area. He stops and
tries to appear normal.
Del
You alright, bruv?
Rodney
Yeah... yeah, fine.
Raquel
You look pale.
Rodney
No, um, oh I was just think-
ing, oh what I, I'll
probably won't sleep in ere
with Damien, no more, 'cos,
I... I keep snoring, and
waking him up, bless him.
I'll, I'll kip down here on
the sofa if that's alright?
Del
Yeah, anything you like,
bruv.
Rodney
Right, well, I'll just have
a quick shower then I'll
hit the sack.
We now hear Damien crying.
Rodney
(To Raquel)
Sorry.
Raquel
That's alright, I'm used to
it.
Raquel exits to the bedrooms area.
Del
You going, are you, love,
yeah? Alright. You was really
looking forward to going to
Miami, weren't you?
Rodney
I had, dreams, you know, of
what it would be like.
Albert
You'll get your money back,
though son.
Rodney
No I won't. The ticket's
are non-refundable.
Del
Still going though, aren't
you?
Rodney
Well, of course I ain't!
Del
Of course you are, Rodney.
You've gotta go! Otherwise
Cassandra'll think you're
nothing but a... a little
puppet who can't do anything
unless she, she pulls your
strings!
Rodney
Yeah, but I'll be on me own!
Del
All on your own! You're only
going for a week, ain't you!
You ought to think about
him.
(Indicating Albert)
He was all on his own once
for three months on an
uninhabited island. Of
course it wasn't uninhabited
when he arrived but that's
another story! Now listen,
Rodney, now you've gotta go.
You've gotta prove to
Cassandra that you're a man!
And you're not frightened to
stand on your own two feet
in the big world!
Rodney
D'you know, you're right!
Del
Yeah.
Albert
So, are you going, son?
Rodney answers with an emphatic, masculine deter-
mination.
Rodney
Possibly!
Rodney exits to bedrooms area.
Albert
He won't go, will he?
Del
Yeah, course he'll go, Unc'.
And d'you know why? 'Cos I'm
going with him.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM.
Raquel is putting Damien in his cot.
Raquel
There you are. You've got a
lovely cot, haven't you?
You're all warm and happy.
We wish poor Uncle Rodney
was, don't we? He can't go
to Miami now. It's a shame.
Shall I put your mobile on
for you, the one Daddy
bought you? Yeah.
She winds the mobile up.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
You've got a lovely Daddy,
haven't you? Buying you all
these nice presents.
Raquel now pauses for thought.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
Maybe Daddy could go with
Uncle Rodney. You wouldn't
mind, would you? He'll only
be gone for a week.
Raquel switches the mobile on. Nothing. She waits for
it to spring to life. Still nothing.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
(Baby talk)
I wonder where Daddy got
that from? Yeah, it's a
mystery, like so many things.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert
What about Raquel? Can you
persuade her?
Del
Can Fergie ski? I only wanna
go for a week in Miami. It's
not like I'm taking a six
month exhibition up the
jungle, is it?
Albert
My Ada weren't too happy
when I told her I was going
abroad.
Del
No, that was 'cos you joined
the navy and went round the
world seven bloody times. No
wonder the poor old cow got
the needle.
INT. NIGHT. RODNEY AND DAMIEN'S BEDROOM.
Raquel
Na-nite, baby. Mummy's just
outside. I'll switch your
little box on in case you
need me.
She switches the intercom on. We hear Del and Albert
speaking.
Del
(Distorted)
All I wanna do is go to
Miami with Rodney for seven
days. I mean, he's got a
ticket going begging. Raquel
has been to America ain't
she? What about me? Nowhere,
Benidorm and Bognor, that's
me! Na, she'll be alright,
Raquel'll be OK, you see.
Yeah, I'll work her, every-
thing'll be cushty.
Raquel has been listening. She now smiles to herself.
INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert
I wouldn't be surprised if
she puts the block on you.
Del
Leave it out, Uncle, I'm
the guv'nor in this house,
ain't I? I shall just tell
her, I shall just say, I
shall say, 'Raquel, I'll
say I'm going to go to
Miami with my brother. Like
it or lump it.' Yeah,
that's what I'll say. Pick
the bones out of that,
darling!
Raquel enters from the bedrooms area.
Del
You alright, sweetheart?
Raquel
Yeah, he's settled down.
Albert
Del's got something to tell
you, love.
Raquel
Oh yeah, what's that?
Del
(Right on the
spot)
That programme you want to
watch on the television,
the film is just about to
start in a minute, innit?
Come on, come on, come on,
sit down on your chaise-
longue, that's right.
Raquel
But your dinner's in the
oven.
Raquel sits down on the settee.
Del
Don't worry about that. I
like it all baked up.
Del gets up and turns the light down.
Del
(Cont'd)
There we go. Can I get you
a drink?
Raquel
No thanks.
Del
Oh alright then, now there
you go. Are you nice and
comfy there?
Raquel
Mmmh.
Del sits next to her. There is a pause.
Del
There you are darling, yes,
cushty. Come on then, come
to your lover, that's it...
Oh it's a shame, init?
Raquel allows herself a little smile as she feigns
interest in the TV.
Raquel
Mmmhhh!
Del
(Frustrated)
Yeah, it's a crying bloody
shame.
Raquel
What is?
Del
Poor little Rodney.
Albert
You mean those tickets to
Miami, son?
Del
Yes, that's right Unc'.
'Cos Cassandra she can't go
with him now, so he won't
be able to go.
Raquel
Couldn't Rodney go on his
own?
Del
No, definitely not!
Raquel
I went to America on my own.
Del
Yeah, I know that, but
that's 'cos you've got a bit
of savvy, haven't you? You
couldn't have Rodney Trotter
and Dan Quayle on the same
continent! No, he needs
someone to look after him.
Yeah, trouble is, that's it
innit? But what can you do,
you know?
Raquel
Mmmmh.
A pause.
Del
Poor little Rodney.
Albert
Here, I've got an idea.
Del
(Snatches at
it)
What's that, Unc'?
Albert
Why don't he take someone
with him?
Raquel
That's a good idea. I'm
surprised you didn’t think
of that, Del.
Del
Yeah, well, so am I. Yeah,
yeah of course, trouble
is... ummmm...
Raquel
Who?
Del
Who?
Albert
What about...Mickey Pearce?
Del reacts.
Del
That's a, that's a great
idea, it's brilliant, it's a
brilliant idea, Unc', but
the trouble is, the trouble
is, the tickets you see
are made out in the name of
Trotter. And they're not
transferable.
Raquel
You mean, he's got to go
with someone named Trotter?
Del
Exactly, exactly... Oh dear.
Poor - little - Rodney!
Raquel can hardly stop herself from laughing.
Raquel
Why don't you go with him,
Del?
Del
Meeee?
Albert
Yeah! Your name's Trotter.
Del
Yes, yes, that's great,
yeah. But...
Raquel
But what?
Del
No I, no I, I couldn't go
and leave you and little
Damien on your own.
Albert
I'd be here.
Del
Yeah, that's like asking
MacDonald’s to look after
your cow, innit?
Raquel
But it's only for a week. I
think Damien and I could
just about manage to
survive.
Del
Yeah, no, no, I couldn't do
that, darling, no because
I'm not that sort of bloke,
you see. I mean I'd be
worried sick.
Raquel
Oh, alright then, don't
wanna make you ill.
Del reacts as if to say 'shit, I've lost my chance'.
Del
On the other hand, I don't
wanna be selfish.
Raquel
I couldn't imagine you
doing that, Del.
Del
No, no, you see, the thing
is, the thing is. This is a
chance of a lifetime for
little Rodney, the poor
little cock, you know. And
well, as it was my idea I
feel partly to blame.
Raquel
(Kissing Del)
Go to Miami, Del.
Del
Oh, really?
Raquel
Really. You'll love it!
Del
T'riffic! Of course, I'm not
really looking forward to
it, no, I'm just doing it
for...
Raquel
Poor little Rodney.
Del
Poor little Rodney. Yeah,
oh darling,, you know what
Raquel, you've got a heart
like a diamond, you have,
you have. You know what
you remind me of, you
remind me so much of my
Mum.
Raquel
Thanks.
Del
And I'll bring you back a
blinding present.
Rodney enters from the bedrooms area. He wearing a
towelling dressing gown and is showered.
Albert
Here Rodney, Del's got some
good news for you.
Del
Yeah!
Rodney
Oh yeah, what's that then?
Del
I'm coming to Miami with
you!
Rodney
No you bloody ain't!
Del
Eh?
Rodney
I ain't going on holiday
with you!
Del is embarrassed and desperate.
Del
(To Raquel)
Excuse me.
(To Albert)
Excuse me a moment, would
you?
(Indicating the
bedrooms area)
Rodney, could I have a word
with you in the executive
boardroom, please?
Rodney
Yeah, wherever you want.
Rodney exits to the bedroom area.
Del
Thank you very much.
(To Albert and
Raquel)
Sorry about this, it's er,
he's just a little mixed
up! I'll soon straighten
him out. Thank you.
Del exits to the bedrooms area.
INT. NIGHT. HALLWAY IN BEDROOM AREA.
Rodney is waiting as Del enters from the lounge.
Rodney
You've got a bloody nerve,
ain't you?
Del
Sssh, Damien!
Rodney reacts.
Del
(Cont'd)
In here.
Del opens the door to his and Raquel's bedroom.
INT. NIGHT. DEL AND RAQUEL'S BEDROOM.
Del and Rodney enter.
Del
What's the matter with you,
Rodney? What is your
problem?
Rodney
Del, I'm not flying four
thousand miles across the
Atlantic Ocean with you in
me earhole all day and all
night. I was hoping for a
break from all that! You
seem to forget, I've been
on holiday with you before.
Del
That's charming, that is,
isn't it, eh? Absolutely
charming! After all that I
have done for you. Oh dear,
what thanks do I get, eh?
No bloody thanks, that's
the thanks I get!
We now hear Damien crying.
Del
(Cont'd)
An' I... an' I... Now look
what you've done!
(Calling from
door)
Ssshh, sshh, Damien, sshh,
it's alright, Daddy's
here.
(Calls louder)
Raquel!
(To Rodney)
Of course we've been on
holiday before, Rodney, and
we had a bloody good time,
didn't we?
Rodney
No. You had a good time,
Del, everybody else within
a radius of three hundred
yards was praying their
spleen would burst! You got
drunk, you shouted things
at women, you got us into
fights.
Del
We were on holiday!
Rodney
Well, this time I'm looking
for a more relaxing holiday.
Del
Relaxing ho... Oh, I see, so
what are you trying to say
that I'm not relaxing co...
that I'm not relaxing
company, is that, is that...
(Shouting from
door)
Raquel, the baby's crying!
(Closing door)
Look Rodney, that's all
different now, that, that was
in the past, you see, 'cos I
am a changed man, see? The
reason why I am changed, I'm
telling you, look, I'm a
married man with a baby.
Well I mean, I've got a
baby.
(Referring to
the sound of
Damien)
You see, and that's the
reason why I've changed.
Because I have got a son whom
I cherish.
Raquel
(OOV)
Alright, darling, I'm coming.
Del
And there is the mother of
my son who cherishes me.
Raquel
(OOV, angrily)
Don't break your back,
Trotter, I'll deal with
him!
Del
Thank you, sweetheart,
thank you. You're judging
me by a few what, misguided
incidents, that's all. I've
told you, I'm changed now!
Rodney, come on, you wanna
go to Miami, don't you?
Rodney
Well, of course I wanna go!
But, well, this time I want
to be - sensible.
Del
Sense... Sensible, course
you do! I'm sensible.
Sensible's my middle name.
Raquel
(OOV)
Del, will you bring me a
nappy?
Del
Yes, of course I will sweet-
heart. See, see that? Look
Rodney, look, look, I mean
look, all that I wanna do,
is just sit on a beach and
relax.
Rodney
Well, same here.
Del
Well, there you are. They've
got some blinding beaches in
Miami.
Rodney
Mmm...
Del
Yeah... and they've got
umm... some fantastic art
museums in Miami.
Rodney
Yeah?
Del
Oh yeah, yeah.
Rodney
I wouldn't mind some of that
myself.
Del
Well, of course you would
and of course you can have
it, Cinders, all you've got
to do, is say the magic
words.
Rodney
Yeah, but how you gonna
swing it with Raquel?
Del
Oh that, swing it, I've
already done it. I told, I
tol, I tol, sshh. I, I
told her straight. I said I
wanna go to Miami with
Rodney on holiday, that's
what I said and I said like
it or lump it. You pick the
bones out of that, darling,
that's what I said.
Raquel
(OOV)
Derek!
Del
Coming, sweetheart! Come on,
eh? You and me, eh? What
d'you say, yeah, yeah?
Rodney gives out a little smile as he weakens.
Rodney
Well...
Del is yoking him on.
Del
Yeah, come on! Say the magic
words, Rodney!
Rodney
Yeah, alright then!
Del
Yeah! Good boy, that's it,
you see you know it makes
sense! Right, where's that
nappy?
Del stretches to top of the cupboards.
Rodney
Well, you see, Del, we're
older now, ain't we?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
We can appreciate the finer
things of life, eh?
Del
What? Not half!
Rodney
(Reaching up
for nappy)
D'you want it?
Del
Yeah, yeah, gimme.
(Catches nappy)
Thanks.
Rodney
So this time let's be more -
well, what's the word -
sophisticated.
Del
Yeah, that's a great word.
I've got another word as
well I was thinking of,
like: debonair.
Rodney
Yeah, yes, yeah. That's a
good word.
Del
You see what I mean? We're
beginning to think alike,
bruv.
Raquel
Derek!
Del
Coming, sweetheart! I'm
coming, I'm on me way.
(Remembers)
Oh yes.
Del produces his leopard-skin swimming trunks from the
cupboard and hands them to Rodney.
Del
(Cont'd)
Just a minute, I'm coming.
Look, good job I kept them!
Del exits with a clean nappy.
Rodney holds up the trunks and stares at them.
Rodney mouths:
Rodney
Dear God!
We hear the whine of a jet engine over Rodney's face
and mixing through into the following scene.
INT. DAY. AIRPORT.
We see a jumbo jet of Virgin Airlines parked at the
boarding gate - the mobile walkway is connected to the
plane and ready to receive it's passengers. We pan up
to window of departure lounge where we see Del looking
down at plane.
INT. DAY. DEPARTURE LOUNGE.
The lounge is crowded with holiday makers, etc. Del is
looking from the window. He and Rodney are wearing
their holiday clothes - Del's are, naturally, brighter
than Rodney's. Del moves excitedly to Rodney who is
seated.
Del
'Ere, have you seen it,
Rodders?
Rodney
Seen what?
Del
You know, our plane! It's
only a Jumbo Jet!
Rodney
Yeah, well they usually are.
I mean, this is trans-
Atlantic, innit?
Del
Yeah.
(Savours the
word)
Transatlantic!
A member of the Virgin ground staff makes an announce-
ment over the mike.
GS
Thank you for waiting, ladies
and gentlemen. Would all
passengers seated in rows 19
through to 40 please come
forward to board now? Thank
you.
Del
Come on, Rodders! That's us!
Rodney
Wait, wait.
Del
Let's go.
Rodney
There's no hurry, Del.
Del
Yes, yes there is, there is
Rodney. Come on, the sooner
we're on the plane, the
sooner old Biggles can take
off!
Del and Rodney pick up their hand luggage and approach
the boarding gate where a member of the ground staff
is checking ticket numbers.
There is a small crowd of people here and Del elbows
his way through. He bumps into and then elbows one man.
Del
(To man)
Eh! Excuse me, what's your
game pal, eh? Come on,
there's no rush.
(To Rodney)
Blimey, anybody would think
he owned the plane!
Rodney looks at the man and does a double take. We see
the man is Richard Branson. Richard smiles politely.
Rodney cringes with embarrassment. Shot of Del and
Rodney walking down walkway towards the plane.
Del
Hey, hey come on! Come on,
Rodders!
(Singing)
Everything's free in
America, kippers for tea
in America.
(To Stewardess)
Have a nice day.
Rodney
Oi! Pack it in, get on that
aeroplane!
Del
Alright, alright.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2006 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts / Deborah A. Leigh - Virginia. U.S.A.