INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
On the dining table is a plate covered by another
plate.
Rodney, in pyjamas and dressing gown, enters from his
bedroom looking depressed and slightly hung-over. He
flops down at the table.
Rodney
Albert.
Rodney holds his head as this sends a sharp pain through
his brain.
Rodney lifts the top plate off. The plate under it
contains the half-finished and congealed remains of last
night's takeaway curry.
Rodney
(Revolted)
Oh - curry!
Albert enters from the hall carrying the Sunday papers.
Albert
Oh you finally decided to
get up, did you? You still
a vegetarian?
Rodney
Yes.
Albert
Pity they didn't make booze
out of animals - then maybe
you wouldn't have a hang-
over!
Rodney
Where is everyone?
Albert
Raquel's still in bed, Del
went a work about 6.00
this morning.
Rodney
But it's Sunday! Don't he
ever take a day off?
Albert
He's a yuppy, ain't he?
As he says, 'The business
world never sleeps.' As
the New York stock
exchange closes, Tokyo
opens. Del's gotta keep
his finger on the pulse.
Rodney
Triffic. Where's he gone?
Albert
Petticoat Lane. He's got
some ear to pick up off a
late. You feel any
happier? You looked very
depressed when you come
in last night.
Rodney
That may have something
to do with the fact that
my marriage is in tatters
and I've lost the best
job I've ever had.
Albert
But you're working for
Del Boy now.
Rodney
Exactly! Wouldn't you be
depressed? If I'd stayed
with Cassandra's dad, I'd
have been running that
firm within a couple of
years.
Albert
Well, one day Del will
retire and Trotters
Independent Traders will
all be yours.
Rodney
I now! Bloody hell! I wish
there was something -
anything - on the horizon
that could raise my
spirits.
Albert can't think of anything at first.
Albert
Er... Del and Raquel's
baby is gonna be born
soon!
Rodney
Oh God, I forgot about
that.
Albert
But that's a reason for
celebration, innit?
Rodney
For you and Del and Raquel,
maybe. But how d'you think
I feel? By the time I'm 45
Son of Del will be 16.
What chance will I have? I
can see it now.
(In adolescent
voice)
"I've got a good idea,
Uncle Rodney. I'll buy a
load of old crap and you
can go out and sell it for
me. That way, Uncle
Rodney, I'll have lots of
money and wide-awake suits
and you won't have a pot
to piss in." And what
worries me most is, I'll
fall for it.
Albert
That's stupid. It might
not be a boy.
Rodney
No, it's a boy alright.
Rosemary's Baby was on the
telly the other night.
It's Del and Raquel to a
tee. In a couple of weeks'
time we'll be awoken by
the cries of our own
little bonny, bouncing
antichrist. It'll be
sitting in its cot, head
spinning round like a
propeller, green gunge up
the wall. They're bound to
call it Damien.
Albert
(As if to cheer
Rodney up)
They were thinking of
calling him Rodney.
Rodney
Rodney! Oh no, poor little
sod.
Raquel, in her dressing gown, enters from the bedroom
looking tired and fed up.
Raquel
Morning.
Rodney
Morning.
Albert
Del's not back yet, love.
Fancy a cup of tea?
Albert exits to kitchen.
Raquel
Please, Albert.
(Yawns)
Sorry, I feel exhausted. He
was moving around all night
long.
Rodney
He's always the same after
a curry... Oh the baby!
Del enters from the hall carrying a large cardboard box.
The printing on the side reads: 'Crowning glory, wigs of
distinction'.
Del
Oh, the creature from the
black lagoon has risen
from its pit.
Rodney
That's no way to speak to
the mother of your child.
Del
(Kisses Raquel)
You alright, sweetheart?
Raquel
Yeah, I'm OK.
Del
(Patting box)
Guess what I've got here.
Raquel
No, go on.
Del
Wigs! You know Mustapha
from the Bangladeshi
butcher's shop? Well, his
nephew works for a top West
End wig-maker. According to
him they look after all the
big stars: Jane Fonda,
Sophia Loren, Anita
Dobson, the lot. Now he
gets these wigs for a
quarter of the retail
price.
Raquel
A quarter of the retail
price?
Del
It's a concession to employ-
ees.
Rodney
But a quarter of the price!
Del
Alright, they're seconds.
But with the kind of
quality standards this
company demands, one hair
out of place and they're
rejected. And that's where
an opportunist like me
steps in. And I've already
sold 'em! All the old
tarts down the Nag's Head
have been waiting for
these to come in for weeks.
I can't move for advance
orders. Lovely Jubbly.
Albert enters from the kitchen with teapot.
Albert
Oh you're back, Del. Fancy
a bit of breakfast?
Del
(Deliberately to
annoy Rodney)
Yeah, do us a nice vegetar-
ian bacon sandwich.
Rodney is revolted.
Del
So what are you up to
today, Rodders? A Greenpeace
rally, release a few nut
cutlets?
Rodney
Look, just because I have
become concerned about what
is happening on our planet
is no reason to take the
rise out of me.
Del
No, but ever since you went
vegetarian you've become a
right miserable git.
Raquel
There's nothing wrong with
being vegetarian, Del.
Rodney
That's right! One in five
people in this country now
refuses to eat meat.
Mickey Pearce has become a
vegetarian.
Del
Yeah, but only since he
got the sack from World of
Leather. A man needs a bit
of fat and stodge to solid
things up. Any doctor'll
tell you that. All that
carrot and cabbage
cobblers, no wonder you're
depressed.
Rodney
I am depressed because of
the state of my life at
the moment. I've got this
horrible feeling that if
there is such a thing as
reincarnation, knowing my
luck I'll come back as me!
Albert
You've gotta pick yourself
up and look around at all
the things you've got in
life.
Rodney
I've done that, Unc! That's
what got me in this state.
Name me one thing I - not
you - me, Rodney Trotter,
has got to look forward to?
Raquel
You're taking Cassandra to
Hampton Court this after-
noon.
Rodney
Oh cos-mic! A castle and a
maze. I just love looking
at suits of armour and then
getting lost.
Del
Cheer up, touchy tart. I'll
tell you what, you can take
my new second-hand Capri
Ghia if you like.
Rodney
No thank you.
Del
Why don't you have a shower
and put some decent clobber
on?
Raquel
Del's right, Rodney. It can
make you feel a lot better.
Del
Put a bit of joie de vivre
back in yer life.
Albert
Yeah. We wanna see the old
Rodney Trotter back, don't
we, Del?
Del
(Half-hearted)
Yeah.
Albert
Snap out of all this doom
and gloom.
Raquel
Be optimistic, Rodney.
Del
We all have a few dark
clouds in our lives.
Albert
It ain't such a bad old
world, son.
Raquel
You're young, you got your
whole future ahead of you.
Rodney
Yeah! You're right. I'm
sorry.
Del
Good boy. You know it makes
sense.
Rodney
Yeah. Well, I’m going back
to bed for a while.
Rodney moves to his bedroom and exits as Del speaks.
Del
That's the spirit, Rodders.
Onwards and upwards! Never
say die, you lazy little
plonker!
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY.
A handwritten sign on the wall reads: 'Guess the baby
Trotter's Name, one pound a try, winner takes the kitty.
Ask at bar for entry form.' Next to it is a barrel with
a slit in the top. One of the regulars is putting his
entry form in the barrel and pays Mike a pound. Rodney,
depressed, is alone at a table with an almost finished
half of lager. He is dressed smartly, having just
returned from his day out with Cassandra. Mike and
Trigger are at the bar.
Mike
(Referring to
Rodney)
Trigger. See if you can
find out what they're
naming the baby.
Trigger
Why?
Mike
Because I'm not allowed
to go in for my own
competition. But I'll let
you enter and then we can
share the winnings.
Trigger
Leave it to me, Mike.
Trigger joins Rodney.
Trigger
Alright, Dave?
Rodney
Wotcher, Trig.
Trigger
Have they thought a name
for the baby yet?
Rodney
Well, if it's a girl Del
wants to call her Sigourney,
after the actress Sigourney
Weaver.
Trigger
And what if it's a boy?
Rodney
He said he might call it
Rodney.
Trigger
Yeah? Who after?
Rodney
Me.
Trigger
Oh.
Del enters.
Trigger
Alright, Del?
Del
Hello Trigger. I'll be
with you in a minute.
Del approaches a couple of women.
Del
I've got those wigs I
promised you, girls.
Albert's just fetching 'em
from the van.
Mike
So?
Trigger
What?
Mike
What name have they decided
on?
Trigger
If it's a girl they're
calling her Sigourney after
an actress, and if it's a
boy they're naming him
Rodney after Dave.
Mike
Brilliant!
Trigger
Thank you, Michael.
Trigger writes on paper and hands it to Mike. Mike is
about to fold paper when he studies it.
Mike
Why have you written Susan
or Colin?
Trigger
It's sort of intuition.
Mike
Jesus!
Del joins them at the bar as Albert enters with the box
of wigs. Albert puts the box on the floor close to
Rodney and then sits at the table.
Del
Put it down by the table,
Albert.
Albert
So how'd your day out with
Cassandra go?
Rodney
Don't ask, OK? Just don't
ask.
Albert
Why, what happened?
Rodney
I'll tell you what happened.
She told me it's all over
between us. Me and Cassandra
are no longer an item. Me
and Cassandra are no more.
She said we are finito - and
right in the middle of the
maze as well! God - you
leave yer wife for a few
months and... I just don't
understand her any more.
Albert
I know the feeling, son.
When you and Cassandra
first met, what was the big
attraction?
Rodney
Dunno. Lust, I suppose.
Albert
Yeah, she struck me as that
sort.
Rodney
I'm talking about me.
Albert
I know you are. I'm just
having a joke with you.
Rodney
Well, I ain't in a joking
mood.
Mike
So, you thought of a name,
Del?
Del
We haven't made up our
mind, Michael. We're going
through our book of baby
names. You'll soon know
what we've decided on.
Mike
When?
Del
When I have a go in your
competition.
Del, carrying drinks, joins them at the table.
Del
So how was Hampton Court?
Rodney
I don't wanna talk about
it.
Del
Why, what happened?
Albert
Cassandra gave him the elbow in the maze.
Del
Blimey, sounds painful.
Look, you don't wanna
worry about it, bruv.
Plenty more fish in the
sea.
Rodney
It's not that simple, Del.
That woman has left a mark
on me.
Del
So did your smallpox jab.
Mike
Look, this is none of my
business, Rodney, and you
can tell me to keep my
nose out if you like.
Rodney
Keep yer nose out, Mike.
Mike
I was married once and know
exactly what you're going
through.
Del
You listen to the man,
Rodney. His wife chucked
him out years ago.
Mike
You don't want to take too
much notice of things that
are said in the heat of the
argument.
Rodney
She said that I'd always
refused to adapt to married
life. She said I wanted to
carry on doing the same
things that I'd always
done.
Del
What d'you say to that?
Rodney
I said, "I'm not discussing
it any more. I'm going down
the Nag's Head." She said I
lacked ambition! Me!
Del
What a load of rubbish! How
many times did Rodney take
that computer exam?
Albert
Must have been five times.
Del
Exactly! How many of his
fellow students could
claim that, eh? They all
went and passed first time.
Mike
No staying power.
Del
That could be your silver
lining, Rodders. Most
people come out of a broken
marriage with a sense of
failure. But you're used to
it.
Albert
Years of experience.
Mike
I remember me and my missus.
I had 18 blissfully happy
years - then I met her.
Del, Albert and Mike laugh.
Trigger
D'you find your way out of
the maze alright, Dave?
Rodney
No, I'm still there, Trig.
Trigger
I couldn't find me way out
of there once.
Del
You had trouble finding
your way in once.
Trigger
I had this bird with me. We
had a right row. She wanted
to go to the left and I
wanted to go to the right...
No, I tell a lie... She
wanted to go to the right
and I wanted to go to...
Rodney
(Cuts straight in)
Look, Trigger! Cassandra and
I are intelligent people
and we do not have rows
about what is the quickest
way out of a maze. God,
I've never felt so
depressed in all my life.
Del
Come on, Rodney, pull your-
self together.
Rodney stands as if to leave.
Rodney
I just wanna be alone.
Del eases him back into his seat.
Del
Listen to me. That is the
worst thing you can do.
It's times like this you
need people round you.
Rodney
But they just say stupid
things about lust and
mazes.
Del
Never give up on people,
Rodney. I know that most
of the time they don't
seem to understand. But
when you're in trouble and
you cry out for help, some
will always be there.
Trigger's cousin Cyril's a
perfect example. He owed
500 quid on his mortgage.
Trigger
They were gonna be thrown
out on the street the
following day. He was very
worried about it.
Mike
So what happened, Trig?
Trigger
He drove out to Beachy
Head. Parked about five
foot from the edge of the
cliff.
Albert
What, he was gonna drive
off it?
Trigger
Yeah! He just sat there for
a couple of hours, his head
resting on the steering
wheel. People tried to talk
him out of it, but he was
too depressed to listen.
Del
But then, and this is what
I mean about people,
Rodney, they had a whip-
round and got him his 500
quid.
Rodney
No! Who held the whip-
round?
Del
All the passengers on his
bus. See, something will
always come along to cheer
you up. Just be patient,
bruv. And in the meantime,
try and sell a few of them
wigs. Do us a chip
sandwich, Mike.
Del, Mike and Albert move to the bar. Rodney opens box
and looks inside.
Rodney
Del, these wigs. Did your
contract say anything
about the Jean Shrimpton
style or the urchin look?
Del
No. Just said they're wigs.
Rodney starts laughing.
Albert
You were right, Del. He's
cheered up already.
Now Trigger starts laughing with Rodney.
Del
What you laughing at?
Trigger
Dunno!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Del, seething, is on the telephone. Albert is looking
into the box of wigs. Rodney is trying to conceal his
laughter.
Del is waiting door his call to be answered.
Del
Come on, Mustapha, hurry up!
Albert
You'll still be able to
sell 'em, Del.
Del
How?
Albert
I don't know, Just
remember, Del, he who
dares, wins.
Del
Oh don't give me that old
pony, Unc.
(Now on phone)
Hello, is this the mosque?
Rodney
I don't believe it. He's
phoned a mosque.
Del
I wanna speak to Mustapha
about them syrups he
flogged me... Is he? Well,
tell him, when he's
finished praying, to go
back and have another one,
'cos when I get hold of
him he's gonna need all
the help he can get.
(Switches phone
off)
I was gonna sell him all
them hooky Cat Stevens'
LPs, but he can forget it.
Raquel enters from the bedroom.
Raquel
What's all the shouting?
Rodney
(Trying not to
laugh)
There's a problem with them
wigs Del bought.
Raquel
What sort of problem?
Del
(Can hardly bear
to say it)
They're blokes' wigs.
Rodney collapses with laughter.
Raquel
(Trying hard not
to laugh)
Blokes?
Del
Yes! Bloody men's syrups.
This is not funny, Rodney.
Raquel
Alright, Del, alright...
Keep your hair on.
Del
Oh don't you start, sweet-
heart. How are we supposed
to sell these things?
Albert
There's a lot of bald
blokes come out of that
building in Arnold Road.
Del
That's a Hare Krishna
temple. They like their
heads looking like that.
(Searching through
box)
Look at this! We've even
got men's ponytails in
here.
Del begins punching out a number on his phone.
Del
(Cont'd)
I'll handle the telephone
sales campaign, Rodney.
You see if you can flog a
few in the pubs.
Rodney
In the p...? How can I
walk up to a bald bloke in
a pub and say d'you wanna
wig? I'll get me face
smashed in.
Del
You'll have to work on your
sales approach. Otherwise
learn to duck.
(On phone)
Gordon? Del Boy. How you
going, pal? Cushty Listen
to me, Gordon, are you
still bald? Well ain't you
ever thought of doing
something about it? Well,
it's either a wig or a
balaclava, innit? I mean,
a bit of hair can make you
look years younger...
You've been thinking about
a hair transplant. No way,
Pedro. Well, I mean, it's
gonna cost you at least
ten grand... Yes, of
course you can get cheaper
ones. Monkey Harris ad one
of them three quid hair
transplants - have you
seen him recently? Well,
it's not a pretty sight,
Gordon, not a pretty
sight. I mean, you look at
Frank Sinatra and Elton
John and you can see they
went to the top Harley
Street clinic. Have a
butcher's at Monkey
Harris's bonce, looks like
Bex Bissel did the job!
Well, this is the reason
I'm calling you. I've got
a contact in a West End
wig-makers. They've got
every style, colour and
size under the sun, and at
very competitive prices.
I'll send Rodney round
with a selection. I'll
leave 'em with you for a
while. You ain't gotta
feed 'em or nothing.
Bonjour for now, Gordon.
Rodney produces a selection of sandy, auburn and one
curly ginger wig.
Del
They're no good.
Rodney
I thought you meant ginger
Gordon.
Del
No, Jamaican Gordon.
Blimey, put him in one of
them he'll look like Ken
Dodd's tickling stick!
(He flops into
an armchair)
It's tough at the top!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
A week later. Rodney and Albert are watching a document-
ary about the ecological disaster affecting the world.
A sequence of the programme shows dead sea birds.
Rodney
It's disgusting, innit?
Albert
Yeah. They shouldn't put
things on about dead
animals when you're about
to have your supper.
Rodney
I'm not talking about the
timing of the bloody
programme. I mean, the
damage that we have done
to our planet.
Albert
We ain't done nothing to
the planet.
Rodney
No, Unc. I don't mean that
we, the Trotters, have
damaged our planet -
although there is one member
of the family who could be
described as an ecological
time bomb. No, I'm talking
about the human race in
general. What are we are
gonna leave behind for the
future generation? For the
little kiddies in the
infants schools, for the
unborn millions?
Albert
Yeah, like Del's and
Raquel's nipper.
Rodney
I didn't actually mean him.
Kids with three sixes on
their heads don't count. I
tell you, there'll be a
few cathedrals go up in
flames before that boy gets
to his eleven-plus.
Del enters from the hall.
Albert
Alright son? There's a
fresh pot of tea on the
table.
Del
Cheers, Unc. I'll have a
cup. I've just been to one
of them antenatal classes
with Raquel. Full of
pregnant women it was.
Everywhere you turned
there was... lumps and...
things.
Albert
Why d'you have to go,
then?
Del
It's to get me ready for
when we go into labour.
They showed us films about
how it all happens.
Albert
You've already got some of
them in the cupboard.
Del
Not them sort of films. I
mean films about the birth
and that. I tell you, it's
a miracle, a 42-carat
miracle. Made a lot of the
blokes feel ill. Didn't
bother me though. I used
to run a jellied eel
stall.
Albert
So what have you gotta
do... you know... when it
happens?
Del
Well, basically, be on me
toes. Make sure the old
Capri Ghia is running well
and whip Raquel down to
maternity a bit lively. But
the most important thing a
father does is showing the
woman consideration and
understanding, patience and
love. I mean, as luck has
it, I'm like that anyway,
but it don't hurt to be
reminded.
Albert
Where's Raquel then?
Del
Oh the lifts ain't working
again and she ain't as
fast up them stairs as she
used to be.
Rodney looks towards the open hall and front door and
has this mental picture of Raquel, eight and three-
quarter months pregnant, hauling herself up twelve
flights of stairs.
Del
How many of them wigs you
sold in the last week,
Rodney?
Rodney
Well... er... roughly,
none.
Del
Well, I sold two tonight.
Rodney
You're kidding!
Del
No way, Pedro. It's the
God's-honest. I met this
woman I know from the
market. Her and her old man
both work at the hospital.
She said he's been wearing
a syrup for years, then
last week their cat got
hold of it. So she bought
one off me as a surprise
for him. Then on the way
home I popped into the
Nag's Head and sold Trigger
one.
Albert
But he's got hair.
Del
I know. He said he wanted
it for an emergency.
Raquel enters from the hall, exhausted.
Del
Here you are, sweetheart,
sit down here.
Raquel
I'll go and change these
clothes first.
Del
I'll make us a cup of tea.
Del exits to the kitchen
Albert
So how was the antenatal
class?
Raquel
(Referring to
Del)
It's the last time I take
him along. At the end of
the class the doctors
asked if there were any
questions. Del put his
hand up and said, "What
time do the pubs close
round here?"
Raquel exits to Bedroom.
Del enters from the kitchen.
Rodney
That's typical Del. The
world's dying and he's
worried about last orders.
Del
What's wrong with you,
Rodney?
Albert
He's been watching one of
them green programmes.
They were cutting a few
trees down in South
America.
Del
Oh and Sting here's got
the 'ump!
Rodney
When are people gonna
realise that we don't own
this planet, we're merely
leaseholders. It's our
duty to maintain our
world. But what are we
doing? We're suffocating
the forests with carbon
monoxide! And that's
causing the polar icecap
to melt, which means the
oceans will rise and the
Thames will flood - like
permanently.
Albert
But we've got the Thames
barrier now.
Rodney
That won't do a lot of good
when it's 15ft under water!
Rodney points out of the window to indicate the closeness
of these areas.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
I mean, places like
Deptford and Greenwich will
be submerged for ever!
Del
But think what it'll do for
us.
Rodney
Like what?
Del
Well, when we come to sell
this flat we'll be able to
advertise it as having sea
views!
Rodney
What a ridiculous thing to
say.
Del
Alright, Rodney, what's
really bothering you, eh?
Is it just the destruction
of the world?
Rodney
I've got so many things
worrying me. The polar cap
is melting, the continental
shelves are shifting, the
rainforest is dying, the
sea's being poisoned and I
ain't had a bit in months.
Del
So that's what's really
worrying you?
(Indicating Albert)
How d'you think that poor
git feels? The last time he
got his leg over, Nelson
Mandela was in a borstal!
Rodney
Can't you take anything
seriously?
Raquel enters from the bedroom wearing her night attire.
Raquel
(Sensing the
atmosphere)
What's wrong?
Albert
Rodney ain't had a bit in
months.
Raquel
Oh.
Raquel exits to the bedroom.
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The following evening. Del is eating his dinner. Albert
is reading one of Rodney's health and body magazines.
Albert
Cor blimey. Things you
learn. Do you realise if all
my veins and arteries were
stretched out in a line
they would circle the world
twice?
Del
(Trying to eat)
I'd like to try that one
day.
Del pushes his plate away.
Albert
Where's Raquel?
Del
She had a bit of a twinge,
so she's lying down.
Rodney enters from the hall.
Rodney
Alright?
Del
Better than that, Rodders.
I reckon we've had a right
result with these syrups.
Guess who I bumped into
today?
Rodney
Telly Savalas?
Del
No. I bumped into that
Stephen, the one that used
to be Cassandra's boss at
the bank. The one you
smacked on the nose.
Rodney
(Still hates
Stephen)
Oh him!
Del
Yeah. Well, I bumped into
him down the market today
and you'll never guess:
he's got one of 'em
ponytails in his hair and
I said to him, "What are
you doing with that Davy
Crockett hat on?" just to
break the ice. And
apparently they're all the
fashion up the City! All
the yuppies are wearing
them.
Albert
But they look silly on men.
Del
Yes, but today the sophist-
icated, intelligent young
men don't mind making prats
of themselves. Because it
attracts the sophisticated,
intelligent young ladies.
Rodney examines one of the clip-on ponytails.
Rodney
I can't see what the
attraction is.
Del
Because you're a geezer!
But if you were a young
career woman you'd be
getting the real hots for
those things. And it don't
need batteries. We'll make
a fortune on them,
Rodders.
Raquel enters from the bedroom carrying a baby's name
book.
Del
Hello darling, you alright?
Raquel
Yeah, I'm OK now. What
d'you think of Aaron?
Del
Sorry?
Raquel
I've been reading the
baby's name book. Aaron
Trotter.
Albert
No, kids at school'll nick-
name him G-string. Aarona
G-string. D'you get it?
Raquel
Yeah, unfortunately.
Albert
You gone off the name
Rodney?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Thank God!
Del
Troy.
Raquel
Troy Trotter! I don't think
so.
Rodney
Why don't you just call him
Damien, eh?
Del
Damien?
Raquel
That's nice.
Rodney
No, I was only joking!
Del
I like that! Damien
Trotter. That's got a
sort of ring to it.
Rodney
No, I was just having a
wind-up, that's all. Why
don't you call it Derek?
Del
Yes. Damien Derek Trotter.
Albert
You can't call him that!
His initials'll be DDT.
Del
Well, there'll be no flies
on him, then, will there?
They all laugh at this.
Rodney
No, when I said Damien,
right, I was only...
The phone rings, Rodney answers it.
Rodney
Trotters Independent Traders?
(Now fiercely
proud)
Oh it's you, Cassandra! And
what can I do for you? And
what exactly do you want to
see me about? Fine. Well,
I'll pop round and see you
sometime. Next week, next
month - who knows? Thank
you for calling. Bye.
Rodney switches the phone off.
Raquel
Wasn't very friendly, was
it?
Rodney
Let people know where they
stand, that's my motto.
Cassandra seems to think
that all she has to do is
whistle and I'll come
running.
Del
Still, at least you could
do was ask how she was.
Rodney
I'll handle it my way,
Derek, thank you... Well,
I think I'll pop round and
see how Cassandra is.
Del
Yeah. That's the way,
bruv. You've made her wait
long enough.
INT. RODNEY'S AND CASSANDRA'S FLAT.
Music is playing. A pot of coffee and cups are on the
coffee table. There is a ring at the front-door bell.
Cassandra exits from the bedroom and opens the front
door to Rodney.
Rodney
Hi.
Cassandra
Why didn't you use your
front-door key?
Rodney
I dunno. It didn't seem
right, somehow.
Cassandra
Come in.
They kiss. As they do so we see that Rodney is wearing
one of the tack-on ponytails. Rodney follows Cassandra
into the living room.
At every opportunity Rodney tries to let Cassandra see
his ponytail, believing this will impress her. But
every time he attempts this she, for one reason or
another, is looking n the opposite direction.
Cassandra
Would you like a drink?
Rodney
Nothing alcoholic. I've
cleaned my act up.
Cassandra
Good.
Rodney
Coffee'll be fine.
Cassandra
So how are things with the
parents-to-be?
Rodney
Oh, Nelson Mandela House in
on amber alert. They're all
just sitting there waiting
for the second coming of
the Prince of Darkness.
I've said to Del you're
gonna have trouble getting
that kid shoes. Mothercare
don't cater for cloven
hooves.
Cassandra
(Laughs)
That poor baby!
Rodney
Poor baby nothing. All the
ancient prophesies are
coming true. Satanic forces
are gathering in the skies
above Peckham, and Raquel's
looking more like Mia
Farrow by the day. You been
up to anything exciting?
Cassandra
Not really. I saw Stephen
today.
Rodney
Oh yeah!
Cassandra
D'you remember Stephen? He
used to work at my branch.
Rodney
Yes.
Cassandra
He's been moved up to head
office.
Rodney
Cosmic.
Cassandra
You remember you used to
call him a wally?
Rodney
Yeah.
Cassandra
I think you were right.
Rodney
Was I?
Cassandra
You'll never guess. He's
only got one of those silly
little ponytails.
Cassandra laughs.
Rodney
No?
(A weak little
laugh)
What a wally!
From now on Rodney tries to stay in a position where
Cassandra cannot see his ponytail.
Cassandra
He looks like he's wearing
a Davy Crockett hat!
Cassandra Laughs. Rodney laughs.
Rodney
I thought they were all the
fashion, though.
Cassandra
Yeah, among lame-brains!
They laugh together. As Cassandra pours coffee, Rodney
takes the opportunity and yanks the ponytail free,
managing to pull a handful of hair out in the process.
Rodney
Aaugh!
Cassandra
What's wrong?
Rodney
Nothing!
Cassandra
Are you OK?
Rodney
Yeah, fine.
Cassandra turns to the milk jug. Rodney throws the pony-
tail away.
Rodney
It was a nice Sunday,
wasn't it? Well, apart
from the row we had in
the maze.
Cassandra
Yeah. I was right, though,
wasn't I? My way was the
quickest.
Rodney
I don't think so. I looked
at the map of the maze
when I got home and I
found... Yeah, I suppose
it was. Sorry. Is that
what you wanted to see me
about? To discuss the
quickest way out of
Hampton Court maze?
Cassandra
No. I wanted to discuss us
and what's happening to us.
Mummy and Daddy - well,
Mummy really - insisted
that I saw our solicitor
for advice.
Rodney
It's getting that heavy, is
it?
Cassandra
No, it's not getting heavy
- it was just for advice,
that's all.
Rodney
And what did your solicitor
advise? Take the git for
every penny he's got, I
suppose? Don't expect a
cheque from me, Cassandra.
If you want half my estate
I could put it on a postal
order.
Cassandra
He didn't say anything
like that. He advised us to
talk.
Rodney
Talk? But that's what
causes the rows!
Cassandra
That's what I said. But he
advised us to try and find
out why we argue every time
we speak.
Rodney
And what did you tell him?
It was my fault?
Cassandra
No, I didn't. I said we
were both to blame. He
asked us whether we'd
considered adding to our
numbers - something to
concentrate both our
attentions.
Rodney
What - a baby?
Cassandra
No, a dog. I don't think a
baby would be a good
career move.
Rodney
Yeah, but I don't like
dogs. Well, I don't mind
'em, it's just that when I
was a kid I got bit by a
Jack Russell. And a
sausage dog, and this kind
of half-poodle thing. Dogs
just bite me - it's an
instinct. A cat?
Cassandra
No. I'm allergic to cats.
They bring me out in a
rash.
Rodney
How about a parrot?
Cassandra
No, they take so much
looking after.
Rodney
Yeah. A gerbil?
Rodney
So we're looking for some-
thing that don't take too
much to look after, don't
run around a lot and don't
bring you out in a rash?
Cassandra
Yes.
Rodney
What about a tin of
salmon?
Cassandra
Oh don't get sarcastic,
Roddy.
Rodney
No, we could give it a name
- Rex or something. Book it
into the vets for its
injection. Put a bit of
string round it and take it
for a walk every evening.
Wouldn't take a lot of
training, would it? We just
threaten it with a tin-
opener.
Rodney
Because you put an obstacle
in front of every good
idea!
Cassandra
I would have been perfectly
happy with a dog but, just
because you've been bitten
three or four times, you
dismissed my wishes.
Rodney
Alright, we'll get a dog!
Let's get a Doberman. Let
the sod tear me limbs off
and drink me blood! I don't
care as long as it makes
you happy.
Cassandra
At this moment in time that
would make me ecstatic,
Roddy!
Rodney
Right, then...
Cassandra
(Under her breath)
... I'm going down the
Nag's Head.
Rodney
I'm going down the Nag's He
...! Cass, we really should
try harder to make this
thing work. If not for us
then for our tin of salmon.
Cassandra
(A tiny smile)
I'll phone you.
Rodney
Yeah...
Rodney moves to the front door. As Cassandra is about to
clear up some of the cups and things she spots the
ponytail in a dark spot close to the skirting board.
Cassandra screams. Rodney rushes back into the room.
Rodney
What's wrong?
Cassandra
Down there - by the chair.
It's a mouse!
Rodney
You sure? How'd a mouse get
in here?
Cassandra
How the hell should I know!
Get rid of it!
Rodney
Eh? Yeah, alright. Stay
cool.
Rodney moves tentatively towards the creature then real-
ises it is his ponytail.
Rodney
No, that's not a mouse!
Cassandra
What is it, then?
Rodney
It's a...
Rodney senses what a great opportunity fate has present-
ed him with.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
It's a rat!
Cassandra screams.
Rodney
Sshush! sshush! You'll
frighten it!...
Cassandra
Get it out, Roddy, please!
Rodney
OK. You don't wanna keep it
as a pet?
Cassandra
Get it out!
Rodney moves towards the 'rat'.
Cassandra
(Cont'd)
Do you want a broom to hit
it with?
Rodney
No, it's OK, Cassandra.
I've got my hand.
Rodney moves in for the kill. He stamps down hard on the
rat and then goes into a Tarzan-type struggle.
Rodney
He's a strong 'un.
Rodney now looks towards Cassandra with an 'is she still
believing this rubbish' look.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
He's struggling! Are you
sure you don't want him as
a pet?
Cassandra screams.
Rodney
It's alright.
Holding the ponytail with both hands, Rodney moves to
the front door. He returns empty-handed.
Rodney
I threw it out the landing
window, I think I killed
it.
Cassandra throws her arms around Rodney.
Cassandra
Oh Roddy!
Rodney embraces her.
Rodney
It's alright, I'm here.
Rodney smiles to himself.
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Del is seated at the table. He has one of the wigs on a
large china dog and is brushing it. Raquel is stretched
out on the settee watching TV. Albert is in an armchair,
also watching TV. We now see Raquel hold her stomach as
she feels a twinge. She checks her watch as if timing
the contractions. We cut away to Del. As he brings the
brush away from the wig we see a handful of hair tuck
in the brush.
Del
I don't believe it! Me wig's
going bald! This is gonna
call for a bit of creative
salesmanship. I'll have to
say it's the Bruce Willis
look.
Albert
During the war...
Raquel gives out another and stronger twinge.
Raquel
Del, I think we better go.
Del
Yeah, so do I. Goodnight,
Unc.
Raquel
Not to bed! To the hospital.
It's started.
Del
(Calmly)
Are you sure?
Raquel
Yes, I've been timing the
contractions. We'd better
go.
Albert
(Horrified)
The baby's on its way?
(Starting to
panic)
Well, do something, Del!
Don't just sit there!
Del
Oi, calm down!
Albert
What are we gonna do? Phone
someone! There's a bay on
its way!
Del
(Grabs hold of
him)
Listen to me! In my bedroom
there's a leather-look
flight bag containing
Raquel's hospital things.
Go and get it and take it
downstairs to my Capri
Ghia.
Albert
Righto, Del. I'll go and
get it. What's it look
like?
Del
It looks a bit like a
fridge! It's a bag, innit,
you old div!
Albert
Aye, aye, Del. Leave it to
me.
Albert exits to the bedroom.
Del
(To Raquel)
Nice and calm, that's what
they showed us in the
hospital. Albert, hurry up!
Del picks up the phone.
INTER CUT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/CASSANDRA'S BEDROOM.
Cassandra
What d'you want, Del? It's
11.30!
Del
I'm sorry to wake you,
sweetheart, but I'm trying
to find Rodney.
Cassandra
He was here earlier, but he
left about an hour ago.
What's wrong?
Del
Raquel's about to give
birth to our baby.
Cassandra
Have the labour pains
started?
Rodney appears and signals emphatically 'I am not here'.
Del
Yes.
Cassandra
You'll phone me as soon as
the baby's born, won't you?
Del
Yes, 'course I will, sweet-
heart. I wanted Rodney to
be there. Listen, I'll give
you a bell as soon as I've
got some news. Bonjour.
(To Raquel)
Here you are sweetheart,
take your coat.
Cassandra
Give Raquel my love and
tell her I'll be in to see
her.
Del
Yes, I will. And you give
Rodney a nudge and tell
him to get his arse down
the hospital.
Cassandra
Alright, Del.
She switches the phone off.
Cassandra
Del wants you with him!
Rodney
That's ridiculous! I've
never heard of the uncle
being at the birth before!
Cassandra
He doesn't want you in the
delivery room! Just at the
hospital with him!
Rodney
You don't know him like I
do! He'll have me holding
her leg up in the air or
something.
Cassandra
I'll get your clothes.
She climbs out of bed.
Rodney
Oh Cass! I'm comfy here!
Cassandra
Here's your trousers.
Rodney
(Looking through
window)
Oh God, it's a full moon!
Son of Del is being born
on a full moon! I knew it!
I bloody knew it! A couple
of hours from now you
won't be able to sleep for
the sound of howling.
Cassandra
Oh don't be so silly!
Where are the keys to the
van?
Rodney
Where's me crucifix?
That's what I want to know.
Rodney turns the lamp on.
Cassandra feels in Rodney's jacket pockets for the keys
and discovers the ponytail.
Cassandra
Oh look, Roddy, it's that
'rat' you killed earlier!
Doesn't it look like a clip
on ponytail when you get
close up?
Rodney
Ah no, listen, I never said
it was a rat!
Cassandra
You liar!
Rodney
I said it looked like a
rat! And it did, didn't it?
I mean, you thought it was
a mouse!
Cassandra
Where'd you get it from?
Rodney
I was gonna wear it as a
joke. It must have fallen
out of me pocket.
Cassandra
I could report you to the
police. You took advantage
of me - twice!
Rodney
I know, if the case goes to
court, would you say three
times?
Cassandra picks up something to hit him with.
Cassandra
You're lucky you're on your
way to hospital - it'll
save the ambulance a
journey.
Rodney
Now, come on, Cass, pack it
in. I've got a brother
about to give birth!
HOSPITAL DELIVERY ROOM.
Raquel is in labour. Del is bending over her.
Del
Alright, sweetheart, the
nurse has gone to get the
delivery team. You've had
your enema. Everything's
going according to plan.
Raquel
You're gonna stay here,
aren't you, Del? Don't go
running off and leave me.
Del
I'm not going anywhere,
sweetheart. I'm staying
here with you.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Rodney and Albert are sitting in the corridor outside
the delivery room. A group of hospital staff enter the
corridor.
Albert
Are these the specialists?
Rodney
No, they've just come back
from a fancy-dress party.
Of course they're the
specialists.
DELIVERY ROOM.
Del
Are you alright?
Raquel
Yes.
Del
Good.
There is a knock at the door.
Del
Who is it - friend or
enema?
(Trying to make
Raquel laugh)
Friend or enema?
Raquel
Shut up, Del.
Del
Yeah, shut up, Del. It's
alright, darling. I'll see
who it is. You stay there,
alright?
Del opens the door to Albert.
Albert
The specialists are on the
way, Del Boy.
Del
Thanks, Unc. You go and
sit down, go on.
A sister and nurse enter, followed by a male midwife.
Del
(Cont'd)
Excuse me, excuse me, John.
We're having a baby in
here.
Midwife
I know, that's why I'm
here.
Del
What are you, a pervert or
something?
Sister
That's Mr McCullum. He's
the midwife.
Del
He's a bloke.
Midwife
I'm a trained midwife. Now,
please get out of my way.
Raquel
Just let him do his job,
Del.
Del
No, he's a bloke.
Raquel
I don't care if he's a
trained chimp! Get out of
his way.
Del
Alright, alright, but you
just watch it, OK?
(To Raquel)
Calm down, calm down.
Remember your blood pressure.
Midwife
How are you feeling, Raquel?
Raquel
Not too bad at the moment.
Midwife
Have you timed the contrac-
tions?
Sister
Three minutes.
Del
Is that good?
Midwife
Yes, that's good.
Del
Cushty.
Midwife
Would you set the monitor
up?
Sister
Nurse, the gas and air.
Del
(Indicating foetal
heart monitor)
What's that thing for?
Sister
It monitors the baby's
heartbeat.
Del
Oh, Lovely Jubbly.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Rodney
It's going to be a boy. I
know it is.
Albert
Can't be sure of anything,
son.
Rodney
No, it's a boy. Mars and
something else have come
into conjunction and decided
he would be born in Peckham.
Del enters the corridor from the delivery room.
Del
They've got the baby's
heartbeat. Half an hour's
time we'll have the
bestest knees up our
family's ever known.
Albert
Is everything alright, Del?
Del
Everything's absolutely
fine. The baby's fine.
Raquel's fine. In 48 hours'
time we'll be going back to
the flat with another
addition to the Trotter
family.
Rodney
Oi, Del. Have they said
anything about the sex?
Del
Oh give her time, Rodney.
Rodney
No, I mean...
DELIVERY ROOM.
Raquel is now in advanced labour and in considerable
pain.
Raquel
How much longer is he
going to take?
Del
It's alright, sweetheart,
alright. He'll take as
long as he needs to take.
He wants to make sure he
gets everything just right,
'cos he's a perfectionist,
like his dad.
Raquel
I'm talking about the mid-
wife.
Del
Oh I see. Oi, you, pal,
how much longer is this
gonna take?
Midwife
Nature will run its course,
Mr Trotter. When the baby's
ready to put in an
appearance, he'll let us
now.
Raquel screams.
Del
Go on, give it everything
you got, girl.
Raquel
Don't you ever come near me
again, Trotter.
Del
There's no need to be like
that, sweetheart.
(To the sister)
I suppose they're all like
this, are they?
Sister
No.
Del
I'll get the gas and air.
The midwife bends down over Raquel and loses his wig.
Del looks down and sees the wig. He thinks it's the baby
coming.
Del
(Cont'd)
Raquel, Raquel, I can see
his head. He's got a full
head of hair.
The midwife reacts and grabs his wig. He attempts to
replace it.
Midwife
Some bloody spiv.
The midwife is embarrassed, he removes the wig.
Midwife
(Cont'd)
I'll scrub up.
The clock is showing 3.40am.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR
Albert sits in the corridor while Rodney is pacing up
and down. They react as they hear Raquel scream.
DELIVERY ROOM.
Raquel is in the late stages of labour. Del is holding
her leg.
Del
Come on, girl, give it
some welly.
Sister
Shouldn't be too long,
Raquel. The contractions
are becoming more frequent.
Raquel
I know... I'm the one
having the contractions.
Would you let go of my leg,
Del?!
Del
Alright, sweetheart. Would
you like some gas and air?
Raquel
No thank you.
Del
OK.
Del takes a breathe of the gas and air.
Del
(Cont'd)
It's good stuff, this.
Better not tell Rodney
about it.
Raquel
Oh no, here's another one.
Midwife
Push hard, there's a good
girl.
Raquel
Del, can I hold your hand?
Del
Yes, yes, of course you
can, sweetheart, go on.
Sister
Push.
Del
OK, Raquel, steady on.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Albert and Rodney listen worriedly to Raquel's screams
and react surprised as they hear Del cry out.
DELIVERY ROOM.
As Raquel continues to scream, she violently squeezes
Del's hand.
Del
Aaaaaargh!
The pain subsides and she releases his hand.
Raquel
Oh, did that hurt, Del?
Del
Yes, it did a bit, sweet-
heart.
Raquel
Now you know what it's
bloody well like!
Del
This giving birth ain't all
it's cracked up to be, is
it?
Del takes more gas and air.
Midwife
Breathe easily, Raquel.
Del
Oh, it's a head, Raquel. I
can see its head.
Midwife
That's very good. The
head's in position. It
shouldn't be long.
Del
I can see its head, Raquel,
I can see...
Del exits to the corridor.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Del
Rodney, I can see its head!
Rodney
Is it... you know, normal?
Del
Normal? What do you mean,
normal? Of course it's
normal. I mean it's just
a head.
Rodney
There aren't any sort of
numbers on it?
Del
Numbers? What are you
talking about, Rodney? What
do you think this is, a
bloody raffle?
Raquel screams. Del exits to the delivery room.
DELIVERY ROOM.
Del
That's it, Raquel.
Midwife
There we are. The head's
out. Relax now. Just relax
for a minute.
Del
Raquel, it's his face. He's
got a little nose. He's got
little ears.
Sister
One more push.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Albert and Rodney listen to Raquel's screams. They then
react to a baby's cry.
Albert
Well, that's it then. It's
all over.
Rodney
Well, that's me off then.
Albert
Don't you want to see the
baby?
Rodney
No, I'm not fussed. I can
see it tomorrow, can't I?
Albert
Del won't like it if you
go. It's important to him
that you stay here, Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah.
DELIVERY ROOM. RAQUEL IS HOLDING THE BABY.
Del
It's a baby, Raquel.
Raquel
I've been wondering what
that swelling was.
Del
We've got ourselves a
lovely little baby.
Raquel
I know. I love you.
Del
I love you too, sweetheart.
Del exits to the corridor.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Del
We've done it! We've only
bloody done it!
Albert
Congratulations, sir.
Del
It's a little baby, Rodney.
Rodney
Is it a boy or a girl?
Del
Eh? Oh, hang on.
Del exits to the delivery room.
DELIVERY ROOM.
Del
Is it a boy or a girl?
Raquel lowers the baby’s blanket and shows Del.
Del
It's a boy. I’ll tell you
what, he won't be
frightened to get changed
in the showers.
Del exits to the corridor.
HOSPITAL CORRIDOR.
Del
It's a boy.
Rodney reacts with a look of horror.
DELIVERY ROOM.
Sister
Well, Mr Trotter, if he
keeps you awake at night,
don't bring him back to us.
Del
No thanks, sister. He can
keep me awake as long as he
likes. Thanks, doc.
Midwife
My pleasure, and sorry about
this.
The midwife indicates the wig.
Del
That's alright. Here,
listen. If you like I can get
you a real good 'un. They
normally retail at a hundred
quid up West - to you,
nothing.
Midwife
No, really. I don't think
I'll bother any more.
Congratulations.
Del
Thanks very much.
Raquel
He's gorgeous. Look at
that little face.
Del
You want to look down there.
He's got no worries.
Raquel
If you say so, Del.
Sister enters from the corridor.
Sister
I'll bet you wouldn't say
no to a cup of tea?
Del
Yeah, not half. Would you
like one love?
Raquel
Yes please.
Del
Would you get Raquel one
an' all? Alright sweet-
heart?
Sister exits.
Del
(Cont'd)
I'll get Rodney and Albert.
(Goes to the
door)
Rodney, Albert, come on,
come on.
(Looks to Raquel)
Here, cover yourself up,
sweetheart. You might catch
cold.
Rodney and Albert enter from the corridor.
Del
(Cont'd)
Here, give him to me, sweet-
heart.
(Takes the baby)
Come on, then. Rodney,
Albert, let me introduce
you to Damien.
Rodney is horrified.
Albert
He's a little cracker,
ain't he?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
He's got your eyes, Del.
Del
Yeah. You ought to see him
down there.
(To baby)
Come on, you, come with me
a minute.
Del takes the baby to the window and opens the blind. He
looks outside into the night sky.
Del
(Cont'd)
There you are, Mum. I know
you can see us. There he
is, look, your first
grandchild.
Raquel
And last.
Del
And last. Oh, you are such
a lovely little boy, you
really are. You've got a
mummy and daddy who think
you're the most precious
thing in the whole wide
world. You've got a lovely
family around you. Yes, you
have, look. You've got your
Uncle Rodney to play with.
Great-Uncle Albert. He'll
tell you about all the
places in the world he's
been to - and sunk. And
there's me. And you're
gonna have all the things
your daddy couldn't afford.
'Cos I've been a bit of a
dreamer, you know. Yeah, I
have. You know I wanted to
do things, be someone, but
I never had what it took.
But you're different,
you're gonna do all the
things I always wanted to
do and you're gonna come
back and tell me about
them. Tell me if they're
as good as I thought they
would be. You're gonna
have such fun. You are,
and when you get the hump,
'cos you're bound to get
the hump sometimes, I'll
muck about and make you
laugh. 'Cos I've mucked
about all my life, and I
never knew the reason why
until now. This is what
it's all about. I was born
for this moment. Yes. Oh
we're gonna have such fun,
we are, you mark my words.
This time next year we'll
be millionaires.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
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