Only Fools And Horses

He Ain't Heavy, He's My Uncle

INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. Four carrier bags filled with groceries are in the room. Albert, wearing ancient Royal Navy blue shorts and white vest, is on the phone. As Albert speaks, Del enters from the kitchen and picks up a couple of the bags. Albert (On phone, breathing heavily) Sorry, Cassandra, I'm a bit out of breath. I've been doing me physical jerks. Del Oi, Gazza. Don't you tell her Rodney's still in bed sleeping off another hangover. Albert (His hand over the mouthpiece) What d'you take me for, eh? Del Give me five minutes, I'll write out a list! Albert (On phone) Alright, Cassandra. I'll tell Rodney you called as soon as he gets up. Del I don't believe him! Albert (On phone) I mean in! As Del exits to the kitchen, Raquel enters from the kitchen and picks up one of the bags. Raquel is now seven months pregnant. Raquel Tell Cassandra I'll phone her later. I've gotta get this stuff in the freezer. As Raquel picks up the bag she holds her back as if feel- ing a twinge. Albert (On phone) Raquel says she'll call you later. Oh she's fine. I mean, women like being pregnant, don't they? Del enters for the final bag. Albert (Cont'd) (On phone) And how you keeping, love? Good. Me? Oh I'm alright, dear. I've joined the over- sixties club on the estate. Given me a new lease of life, it has... Eh? Well, yes, there are women there, but I'm not interested in all that. Del No, like a squirrel ain't interested in nuts! Del exits to the kitchen. Albert (On phone) I used to be a bit of a Casanova in my younger days. I could tell you a tale or two, Cassandra! During the war... Eh? There's someone at your door, is there? Yes, bye for now, Cassandra. Bye, love. Albert switches the phone off He now looks into the mirror as he brushes his beard. He talks to the mirror and the phantom Mrs Lane Albert Mrs Lane - or may I call you Dora? Could I have the pleasure of this next dance? Albert begins dancing with an imaginary partner. Rodney appears at the door from the bedroom. He wears pyjamas and dressing gown and is bleary-eyes and hung- over. Rodney (At Albert's appearance) Oh God! Albert What time d'you call this, Rodney? Rodney I call it 11.30, Unc. What time d'you call it? Albert It's disgusting. A young man of your age getting up at 11.30 in the morning. Yer brother was up and out of here at 7.00. Then he came back and took Raquel shopping. Rodney Yes, because Derek has got work and money-earning opportunities. And he's got a woman in his life! What about me, eh? I've got no job to go to and no wife to say good morning to. Albert You might feel a bit more chirpy if you didnt wake up with a hangover every morning! Rodney I have not got... This pains Rodney's head. Now quieter and more controlled. Rodney I have not got a hangover! I'm fine! There's nothing wrong with me. Albert Cassandra phoned. Just wanted to know how you were. Rodney (Panic) You didn't tell her, did you? Albert No, I said you was alright. She wants your cheque towards the mortgage. Rodney Yeah, I'll... er... I'll sort it out. Rodney exits to the kitchen, where he finds Del waiting for him. Rodney Morning. Raquel Morning, Rodney. Del (To Raquel, but looking at Rodney) That reminds me, sweetheart. The video shop's got Nightmare On Elm Street in. Rodney, in his embarrassment tries to change the subject. Rodney Albert's been talking to Cassandra. She just phoned to see how I was. Raquel He didn't tell her, did he? Rodney No, he said I was all... What d'you mean, he didn't... Rodney is interrupted by Raquel who gets a twinge in her back. Raquel Ooh! Del (Panicking) You alright, sweetheart? Raquel Yeah, I'm OK. Just a bit of backache, that's all. It happens every time we go out in your van. It's just not very comfortable, specially in my condition. I'm fine now. Del You go and have a sit down. I'll put the shopping away. That's an order! Raquel Aye, aye, sir. Don't forget to deliver our birthday present. Rodney Whose birthday is it? Del Boycie's kid. (To Raquel) I'll give him a bell. Raquel exits to the lounge. Del See, that van wasn't designed for pregnant women with shopping. And she's getting bigger by the day. She's just been banned from the Body Shop. If I could just get the engine running a bit smoother, that might help. Rodney I've told you, they stopped making spare parts for your van years ago. I've tried everywhere - breakers' yards, spares shops, archaeologists. Del Talking of archaeologists, you look like you've just been dug up from somewhere. What are you doing to yourself, Rodney? Why don't you take a leaf out of your uncle's book. Look at him in there. He's joined the over-sixties club and he's like a born-again teddy boy. Rodney You're not suggesting I join the over-sixties club? Del No. I think you'd be too old for 'em. Del exits to the lounge, leaving Rodney to ponder his words. As Del enters, Raquel is seated, reading the local newspaper, The Peckham Echo. Accompanied by a photo of the Trotters' estate is a headline: "Muggers strike again on estate of fear". Raquel There's been another mug- ging on the estate. Rodney You don't want to believe all you read, Raquel. These things are usually exaggerated. Del Yeah, it's a rumour put about by the 45 victims. If I had my way I'd hang 'em from the nearest lamppost. Rodney It's almost the 21st century and he still wants to hang 'em up by the neck. INT. BOYCIE'S SALES OFFICE/TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The phone is ringing. Boycie enters it and answers it. During this telephone conversation one of his mechanics enters and searches the key rack. Boycie (On phone, with that modern sales enthusiasm) Thank you for calling Boyce Auto Sales and Car Accessories. How can I help you? (Now deflated) Oh it's you Marlene! Yes, I'm going to get Tiler's birthday present in a minute! Marlene, I'm trying to run a business here. If you remember, I sell quality sed cars! Mechanic D'you want me to take that old banger down the scrap- yard? Boycie (With hand over mouthpiece) If they'll take it! Mechanic I'll get my coat. The mechanic exits. Boycie (On phone) A baby grand? Yes, of course I want him to be cultured, but for Gawd's sake, Marlene, he's only one! I don't give a toss what Beethoven could do when he was three! Tiler should start off in a smaller way. Leave it to me, Marlene. I'll surprise you. (Replaces receiver) Where can I get a mouth organ from? The phone starts ringing again. Boycie (The same sales enthusiasm) Thank you for calling Boyce Auto Sales and Car Accessories. How can I help you? (Now deflated) Oh, it's you Del Boy! How's your luck? Cut to Trotters' lounge. Rodney enters from his bedroom on his way to the kitchen. Del Never been better. I've got so much business going on there ain't enough hours in the day. I'm thinking of taking on staff. Rodney Yeah, 'taking on' being the operative phrase! Del Do something useful with yourself, Rodney. Go back to bed, son! (On phone) Listen, we've got a birth- day present for the ankle- biter. Cuts to Boycie's office. Boycie Cheers, Del. We're having a little celebration. Just a few close and dear friends. I s'pose you and your family could come along as well if you like. Del Oh very kind of you. Here, d'you reckon one of your mechanics could take a look at my van? Boycie I know just the bloke. He suffered a family bereave- ment recently and could do with a good laugh. Sorry, Del. I just thought it was time you got yourself something more powerful. Del Such as? Boycie I don't know. A food mixer? Del Listen. My old van does everything I want it to do. Boycie Keep the van for business. I'm talking about a second car. I've been hearing about all this crime that has been taking place on your estate. Now wouldn't it be safer for your Raquel to be driving rather than walking? Del I think you've got a point there Boycie. Boycie You need something that suits your image. I've got a lovely Skoda out in the showroom. Two years old, 8,000 miles on the clock, genuine. You can have it for two and a half grand. Del Two and an 'arf! That's a teeny bit out of my price range. Boycie What is your price range? Del About 400 quid. Boycie 400? You can't get a walking frame for 400! Boycie checks a couple of logbooks lying on the table. Boycie (Cont'd) Wait a minute. Your luck could be in, Del. I had a cracking little sports coupe come in as a part chop on a Honda Prelude. Beautiful bodywork, sound engine, a really nice runner. It just need a bit of a clean-up, that's all. I was looking for a grand. But, seeing as it's my son's birthday and you're a mate, I'll let it go for 400. Del Cushty! I'll come down and have a butcher's. See you later. The mechanic, now wearing a coat, enters Boycie's office. Mechanic (To Boycie) I'm off to the scrappers, then. Are these the keys? As the mechanic goes to pick up the keys from the desk, Boycie snatches them away from him. Boycie There's been a change of plan! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. Rodney is reading The Peckham Echo article. Albert enters from his bedroom. He is wearing a natty three- piece navy-blue pinstripe suit, with a gold pocket watch and chain, and a beautifully ironed shirt and tie. Albert What d'you think, Rodney? Rodney Er... I dunno! Albert is now talking to himself in the mirror. Albert She'll be putty in my hands. A jubilant Del enters from the hall, followed by an ashen -faced Raquel. Del Guess what? I've bought a new car! Cor blimey, Albert! For a moment there I thought it was Simon Le Bon! What are you all dressed up for? Albert (Checks his gold watch) I'm playing the over-sixties domino final against old Knock-Knock at the Nag's Head later. So you've got a new car? Del It's a little cracker. Raquel's just driven it back. It's a beauty, innit, sweetheart? Raquel is very unconvinced. She seems in a state of shock. Raquel Yeah! Albert D'you wanna cup of tea, love? Raquel Yeah, I need something, Albert! Rodney So you're a two-car family now, then! Well, one car and a three-wheel van. Del Which is one car and three- wheel van more than you've got! Or are ever likely to have! Rodney I wouldn't be so sure about that, Derek. There's bound to be a job in here for me somewhere. Albert You'll have to come up with a good excuse before you get a job, son. I mean, how you gonna explain away the 10 years when you was Del's partner? Raquel Albert's got a good point, Rodney. In all those 10 years you weren't registered for income tax, national insurance or... or anything! Your work record shows that you left school at 16 and promptly disappeared off the face of the earth. Rodney I've thought about that. I'm gonna say I was working for a foreign oil company in Saudi Arabia. Del What, straight from school? One minute you're a milk- monitor, the next a petro- chemist? No, it won't wash, bruv. Raquel Couldn't you say you'd been on safari? Rodney Safari? For a whole decade? Albert You could say you got lost. Raquel A friend of mine went out with a guy who'd spent 12 years working for a safari company in Kenya. Rodney That's stupid, Raquel! Del Well, it's better than your paper-round-in-Arabia cobblers! Albert Have you ever thought about joining the navy? Rodney Well, funnily enough, Unc, no! How could I join the navy! Del Exactly. In the old days they'd take anyone - well, they took you! But nowadays you've gotta have a cotchel of qualifications. What chance would Lawrence of Peckham stand? Albert I don't mean in the Royal Navy. I was talking about the merchant. Just imagine it, Rodney. Monday, you sail out of Southampton Water. Tuesday, you're through the Bay of Biscay. Wednesday, you've rounded Cape St Vincent. Thursday, you dock in Algiers... Del (Cutting in) And Friday it's your turn in the barrel! Rodney Eh? Albert There was nothing like that on my vessels! A few funny ones but nothing like that! So what d'you reckon, Rodney? Rodney If it's all the same with you, Unc, I'll take a raincheck on this one. Albert You don't know what you're missing. Rodney Suits me! I've been think- ing, Del. Trotters Independent Traders has been going through a period of commercial augmentation. Del No, I've been doing alright, Rodney. Rodney Yeah... I mean, you're a property developer now. Well, you've bought this flat off the council. Albert He's hardly developed it! Raquel He put the new toilet-roll holder up. The musical one. Rodney There you are, then! You've got your direct retail sales branch, your property division and now there's the theatrical agency side to the business. So I was thinking, things must be pretty hectic for you on the old business front? Del You're not kidding. It's one power breakfast after another. Rodney Yeah. It ain't all champagne and backgammon for you yuppies, is it? I heard you say earlier that you were thinking of taking on staff. So, seeing as I am temporarily between positions - and if the conditions are acceptable - I am willing to work for you. Del No way, Pedro! Rodney Look, I've g... No way, Pedro? Del I don't need you, Rodders. Rodney I could be very useful to you during this period of growth! Del How? Rodney Eh? Er... well... I'm a good salesman. Del Do me a favour, Rodney, you couldn't flog a black cat to a witch. Rodney Ah, but now I've got managerial experience. Del Na. Rodney I could computerise your entire business! Del Na. Rodney I have got executive quali- fications. Del Na. Rodney Can you lend us a fiver, then? Raquel A fiver? I didn't realise things were that bad, Rodney. Rodney I've had no money coming in since I resigned from Alan's printing works and I've still gotta pay half the mortgage on me and Cassandra's flat. It's skinted me. I've had to take out an overdraft at the bank. Raquel You mean you're borrowing money to pay off your loan? Rodney is embarrassed and angry at the truth. Rodney Yes! Del And you wanna come back as my financial advisor? Rodney I'll come back as anything! Look, I know your trading methods, I'm experienced in this line of business and working for you would be marginally better than being on the dole or in the barrel! Raquel Something tells me this is not thee best job interview you've ever given, Rodney. Rodney I'm desperate, ain't I? Del Alright then, you can have a job with Trotters Independent Traders - plc. Rodney immediately tries to regain his composure. Rodney Fine... And what kind of wage structure can I expect? Del Wage structure? The same as before. Rodney Good! What was that, then? Del How the hell should I know? Look, if I've got it on the hip I'll pay you. Rodney And what title will I have? Del We'll call you Lord Rodney. Rodney I mean, company title! See, I thought I could be your new director of commercial development. Del Yeah, sounds good to me. Now, as the Bible says, 'Clothes maketh the man.' The first thing I want you to do is whip round to your flat a bit lively. Rodney And get my best suit? Del No, get your car-cleaning gear. EXT. THE GARAGE BLOCK OF THE TROTTERS' ESTATE. DAY. Del There y'are then, what d'you reckon? Del's 'new' car is a 1977 Ford Capri. It was originally light green, but through years of neglect the paintwork has become totally matt in appearance. There is no shine to it whatsoever, the windows are dirty and a couple of hubcaps and the front bumper are missing. The car is parked outside Del's garage, which has the doors up and open. Inside the garage we can see evidence of Del's trading stock - a chest-type deep freezer with an old washing machine on top of it, a couple of decent- looking hovermowers, etc. Rodney (Referring to the car) Is that it? Del Yeah! How much d'you reckon I paid Boycie for it? Rodney He charged you for it? Del I stole it off him, Rodders. 400 nicker. It's a peach - handles better than Maradona. Only had one owner - Peckham car rentals. Rodney laughs, believing this to be a change to the old Hertz van rental joke. Del meant it and doesn't understand Rodney's laughter. Del What? Rodney I thought you were jo... Don't matter! Look at the paintwork! It's got no shine to it! I've never seen a car with a matt finish before! Del That's just ground-in dirt. It's been a bit neglected over the years. A little bit of attention and elbow- grease and I'll have it gleaming. Rodney Well, you've got more faith than me, Del. Del That'll look brand new by the time I've finished with it. Now listen, Rodney. There's something I wanted to talk to you about. It's a bit embarrassing, really. If you don't like the idea just say so, I'll understand. Rodney I'm not cleaning it! Del You bloody are! Rodney Oh no! The days when you got me to do all your dirty work are long gone! I used to run my own computer section! I was an executive! Del And now you're cleaning my Capri Ghia! Bear in mind, Rodney, you are now my employee! Rodney Look, when I finally gave in to all your persuasion and accepted the job with Trotters Independent Traders, I assumed my role would be in a managerial capacity. Helping with buying and selling. Del You will be helping us buy and sell! You see, it's all about image, Rodney. (Indicates car) And this is my image! Rodney (Studies car) Yeah, can't argue with that one, Del! Del And also remember, that since you walked out on Cassandra and your job, you have been sleeping and eating at my flat for nix! Now I'm perfectly willing to accept your resignation. I'll help you find a nice little bedsit. I'll even give you a paraffin heater and a mousetrap as a leaving present. Rodney Alright, I'll clean it! Del Now are you sure about that? Rodney Yes! Del Well, that's very nice of you. I'm grateful. Del produces a cardboard box filled with car-cleaning material from the garage. Del There you go. You'll find everything you need in there. Rodney I'll never be able to get all this grime off it! Del Of course you will! Giss it here. Del takes a tin of compound and a couple of rags from the box. He rubs some compound on the rag. Del You use compound to begin with. He rubs the compound vigourously into the car's bodywork in a two to three-inch circle. Then he rubs it off with a clean rag. Del Now a bit of T-cut. He pours some T-cut on a rag and rubs that into the small circle. He rubs it off with a clean rag. Del Cushty... Little bit of polish. He pours some polish on to the rag and rubs that into the small circle. He rubs it off with a clean rag. Del Lovely Jubbly... And last, but not least, a drop of sealer. He pours some sealer on to the rag and rubs it into the circle. He rubs it off with a clean rag. Del Voila! We see, in among all the square metres of grime and dull- ness, a tiny oasis of shining paintwork. Del Now just do that to the rest! Rodney is left open-mouthed. Del (Checks watch) Lunchtime already?! Have fun. Del moves towards the three-wheeled van, singing. Del Ever since I was a young boy I've played the silver ball. INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. The pub is crowded and noisy. Albert is seated at a table with a group from his over-sixties club, including Albert's friend Knock-Knock (about the same age as Albert) and a couple of other old boys, playing dominoes. Watching them play are three 68-year-old-groupies, including Dora. She is smartly dressed and has blue- rinsed hair. She is also Marlene's mum. At another table, swilling pints and making a lot of noise, sit five scruffy bikers in their mid-twenties. The leader of this gang is Ollie. Standing around the jukebox are five skinheads, also in their mid-twenties. Del, Raquel, Boycie, Trigger and Marlene are standing at the bar. Mike is behind the bar. Del (Referring to Albert and the over-sixties group) Look at that lot, eh? It looks like the Tetley Tea folks' day out. Marlene Albert's looking very smart. He must be after one of the ladies. Mike I wonder if it's old Lil with the 'airy wart? Or is it the Widow Manky? Her with the disposable teeth. Raquel You should have more respect. Mike Those women went through a war for us. Boycie Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of 'em. Marlene Ah, it'd be lovely if Albert could meet a nice old lady to keep him company. D'you know who he's after? Raquel Yeah. Your mum. Marlene My mum! Del Yeah, him and his mate are both after sorting her out. Marlene I'm not having this! Mike No, but if your mum plays her cards right! Del, Mike and Boycie laugh at this. Raquel tries to hide her laugh. Marlene (Calls) Mum! I want a word with you! Dora Yeah, alright, Marlene, talk to you in a minute. Albert Can I get you a drink, Dora? You don't mind me calling you Dora, do you, Dora? Dora Of course I don't mind - Albert. Knock-Knock I just got Dora a drink. Albert Why'd you let Knock-Knock buy you a drink? It was my turn. Dora You can buy me a drink in a minute. Albert Yeah, alright. As Albert sits and takes up his dominoes, he and Knock- Knock look venomously. Trigger How'd the kid's birthday party go? Boycie It was a great success, Trigger. We had all the right people there, and Del and Albert turned up. Del Right, what is it, same again? Mike! (Referring to the skinheads) Who're the morons from outer space? Mike Dunno, Del. They've been using the pub for a couple of weeks now. Del (Suspicious of the group) Yeah, I didn't think they were regulars. Mike But, like I say, I don't know anything about them. They're most probably play- mates of the mongrels. Mike indicates Ollie and co. Del Yeah... (Calls) Ollie! Oi, Ollie! Over here, son. Ollie joins him at the bar. Ollie What you want, Del? Del The little gang over by the jukebox. Know anything about 'em? Ollie They started coming in here about a fortnight ago. Del You ever seen 'em hanging round the estate at night? Ollie Yeah, couple of times. D'you want me and the boys to beat 'em up? Del No, no! Mike Oi, I don't want no trouble in this pub! Ollie And you ain't gonna get none, guv'nor, unless you wanna start it! Del Oi, oi, pack it in, will you? Go 'n, Ollie, sit yerself down. I'll send you and the boys a drink over. Marlene is at the dominoes table. Marlene What you drinking, Albert? Albert I'll have a large navy rum, dear. (So the old ladies can hear) Puts lead in yer pencil! The old ladies squeal at his sauciness. Marlene Well, there's a thing. Albert Get old Knock-Knock a drink, will you, love? Knock-Knock I'll have a pint of ordin- ary. dear. Marlene (Quietly to Albert) Why'd they call him Knock- Knock? Knock-Knock knocks his domino on the table twice, a sign that you cannot continue the player. Albert It's because he's a very bad dominoes player! Knock-Knock I'm a better player than you, Trotter! Albert You've never beaten me at dominoes in all your life. Knock-Knock I can beat you at anything. Even when we was at school I could beat you at anything! Marlene Now, come on boys, start acting like grown-ups! D'you wanna drink, Mum? Dora I'm alright, Marlene. Knock -Knock bought me one just now. Trigger I had to laugh to myself tonight, Del. Del Did you, Trig? Trigger Yeah. A pause. Del Why, did something happen? Trigger I was walking across the estate - past the garage block. It was half-pat seven at night, pitch-black, and there's Dave polishing the old banger! Trigger laughs. Del laughs. Del It takes all ki... (Reacts to Raquel) Oh Gawd! I forgot about my director of commercial development! Raquel You left him cleaning your car at night? Del I forgot he was working for me! Mike What's Albert and Knock- Knock playing at? Marlene Dunno, looks like Ninja dominoes. Mike What you having, Boyce? Marlene Give him a large navy rum. A seething Rodney enters, his clothes smeared with grease and polish. Rodney Look at my clothes! Del I told you to wear your car-cleaning gear. Rodney A director of commercial development does not wear Doc Martens and stonewashed Wranglers! Del When he's cleaning his guv'nor's Capri he does! Rodney And I got Swarfega in me eye! Raquel Your finger's bleeding, Rodney. Rodney Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster? Del Oi, what d'you mean, your hand went straight through the bodywork? Rodney There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it. Boycie That is slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle! Rodney They were yesterday's news- papers! Boycie Look, you took the car as seen! I don't owe you no favours. Mike That's a bit unfair, innit, Boycie? Look at that 36- piece tea service he sold Marlene last month! Boycie Yeah, that came in very handy. I gave it to the Boy Scouts' fete for their rifle range. Mike That was genuine Dresden! Del It was genuine antique Dresden! Trigger And it was guaranteed dishwasher-proof! Raquel (Takes plaster from Mike) I'll do it for you, Rodney. She places the plaster on his finger. Rodney I don't believe him some- times! I don't know how he can ask me - with my executive training - to go round to the garage block and clean the Pratmobile! Raquel Don't let Del hear you call it that! Boycie I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said, "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon". Del I got you two tickets! Boycie That's right! They drew nil -nil with Ipswich! That makes us even! Del No way, Pedro! Rodney I'll see you later. I'm going round Jevon's. Raquel Del, my back's aching. Del D'you wanna go home, sweet- heart? I've had enough of this lot, anyway. You've got a choice of vehicles tonight, sweetheart. D'you wanna go in the van or the Capri? Raquel Can we walk? Del Of course. Well, bonjour to you all. Del and Raquel exit. Albert What would you like, Dora? How about a large snowball? Mike, a large snowball for Dora, please. As Albert produces a wad of fivers we see a couple of the skinheads looking across at his money. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. Two hours later. Raquel, now wearing night attire, is seated on the settee watching TV. Del enters from the bedroom wearing pyjamas and dressing gown. Del is relieved at getting his suit and shoes off. Del That's better. You alright, darling? Raquel Yeah, I'm fine now. Del Cushty. I'll pick my Capri Ghia up in the morning. My director of commercial development can drive the van back. Raquel Del, I don't wanna nag. Del Good. Shall I put a record on? Raquel Can we afford to splash out four hundred pounds on another car? I mean, do we need another car? Del Yes, we do! You see... Raquel Look, just because the van gives me backache was no reason for you to buy another car! Del But listen to me. The reason I'm... Raquel (Cutting in) It's a waste of money. You do realise we've got a baby on the way, don't you? Del Yes, little things remind me. Will you just shut up for a minute! It's becoming a dangerous cold world out there, Raquel. And I didn't want you walking down the shops or the launderette. I want you to drive there. So you'll be safe and sound. D'you see what I mean? Raquel Is that why you bought it? Del Yeah. Raquel Mmh (Kissing him) I love you, Trotter. Del Of course you do. You're only human. They kiss jokingly. Now they kiss again seriously. Del is about to go in for the kill when he looks at her lump. Del Fancy a cup of tea? Rodney bursts through the front door. Rodney Del! It's Albert! Del Albert?? What about Albert? Rodney There's no need to panic, OK? Raquel What's happened to Albert? Rodney He's been mugged! Del He's been what? Raquel Is he hurt? Rodney No, not badly. He's got a bit of double vision, that's all. Del Where's this happen, Rodney? Rodney Well, in his eyes. Del No, I mean... Rodney Oh sorry! As he was walking home from the pub. I was just coming back from Jevon's and I saw this ambulance and a crowd of people standing around him. Del Did he get a good look at 'em? Rodney No. All he can remember is there were four of 'em. Look, they've taken him to the hospital. Come on, I've got the van downstairs. Del and Rodney rush to the front door, closing the hall door as they go. Then the hall door opens again and Del rushes towards the bedroom. Del Dipstick. Rodney! Rodney (To Raquel) He's just gonna put some clothes on. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. THE FOLLOWING DAY. Albert, in pyjamas and dressing gown, is laid out on the settee. He has bruising around his eye and nose. He is now a very unhappy, almost frightened, man who has lost all confidence and is most probably suffering from shock. Del and Rodney, wearing identical suits, are standing over their stricken uncle. Rodney's shirt is unbuttoned at the neck to reveal he is wearing a ingle gold chain. Rodney Look at him. Del Looks bloody horrible, don't he? Rodney They said he could be suffering from shock for a few days. Del You wait 'til I get my hands on the bastards what done it. Then you'll see what a state of shock really looks like! Raquel Now, you stay out of it! The police can handle this perfectly well on their own! Del I don't need the Old Bill! The people round here have always sorted their own problems out. It's traditional. I remember years ago when I was about ten. Mum had some of her jewellery nicked by this good-looking Italian bloke. He weren't good looking by the time Dad had finished with him! Rodney But how could you be certain he was guilty? Del Evidence, Rodney. Dad found one of Mum's earrings on the back seat of this bloke's car! Rodney and Albert look at each other. The doorbell rings. This alarms Albert. Rodney It's alright, Unc. Just the door. Rodney exits to the hall and opens the door to Cassandra. Cassandra Hi. Rodney Oh, hi. Cassandra I just came round to see how Albert was. Rodney He's not too good. Come in. They enter the lounge. Cassandra I heard what happened to Albert. How is he? Del He looks 'orrible. They stole his pocket watch and all his money. Cassandra Yeah, I know. How you feeling, Albert? Albert A bit bruised, dear. I got jumped on by five of 'em. Del Now don't go upsetting yours ... Five of 'em? Rodney, d'you wanna make Cassandra a cup of coffee in the kitchen? Rodney Eh? Oh yeah. Shall we make a cup of coffee? Rodney and Cassandra exit to kitchen. Cassandra So you're working for Del again? Rodney Yes. It wasn't an easy decision. I had quite a few offers from local companies - you know what these head- hunters are like. Cassandra Well, not really. Rodney Oh they won't take no for an answer. But in the end I plumped for Trotters Independent Traders. It was a mixture of family loyalty and a career move. He asked me to be his director of commercial development. Seek out new openings, find gaps in the market. Cassandra And if the gap doesn't exist, create one? Rodney Yeah, that sorta thing. So I thought, that'll do me, lovely Jubbly! It's pressure all the way. I'm never off that phone. Cassandra You've cut your finger! Rodney Yeah, Del got me to clean his car yesterday and... I just did it as a favour. I don't know if you saw his new car parked downstairs. It's the green Pratmobile. Cassandra (Laughs) Does he know you call it that? Rodney No. I don't think he'd be too pleased. Cassandra So things are going well? Rodney Yeah. We're into property development, theatre... Cassandra indicates the box of toilet rolls. Cassandra Toilet rolls. Rodney That's just... the retail sales division. We've got contacts in the City! Cassandra What, White City? Cassandra laughs. Rodney There's no need to laugh at us, Cass! Cassandra I'm not laughing at you! I'm just trying to break the ice! Rodney Oh... How's our flat? Cassandra Much the same as when you left, Roddy. I wish I could say the same about you! Rodney What's that mean? Cassandra You've changed! You're getting more like Del. You're full of front and bullshit, Roddy! You're even wearing the same clothes as Del. Rodney These suits happen to be a new line we're selling. They're Romanian. We wear them to let the punter see what they look like. Cassandra D'you think that's wise? Rodney We know our market, Cassandra! And I am not getting like Del! Cassandra You are, Rodney. (Flicking his gold chain) Look, you're even wearing a Del Boy starter kit! Rodney Del told me to wear this because... Understand one thing, Cass! I am not getting like Del! No way, Pedro! Cassandra No way, Pedro! Rodney Look, I'm very busy, Cassandra. Cassandra Yeah, see you, Rodney. Rodney Look, I didn't men it like that. Cassandra Goodbye! Cassandra exits. Rodney I'll give you a bell during the week. (Quietly) Shit! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. One week later. Albert is seated in the armchair, look- ing through his old treasure chest of memories. He is wearing pyjamas and a wool dressing gown. Raquel, in night attire, is asleep on the settee. The door from the hall opens suddenly and Del enters in his dressing gown. Albert jumps with fear at Del's entrance. Del It's only me, Unc! I've put the security chain on. No one can get in. You alright now? Albert Yeah, I'm alright, boy. Raquel D'you fancy a coffee? Del No, you stay where you are. Has he been out today? Raquel No. He hasn't left the flat for the last week - well, ever since it happened. Del Terrified, ain't he, poor old git... What you up to, Unc? Albert Just looking through me old box. (Shows Del a photo) See that? That's where I was born. Tobacco Road, down by the docks. (Another photo) That's the front of Tobacco Road. There's yer nan - there's your grandad. He'd just joined the army, doing his bit for king and country. Del But he's wearing plimsolls and a jumper. Albert Yeah, he'd just deserted. Raquel Albert, tomorrow, would you like us to take you back to where you were born? Albert (Sadly) It's not there any more, dear. They knocked it down. That film you wanted to watch is on soon. Raquel Oh thanks. Del moves behind the bar and pours the drinks. Del What film's that? Raquel Out Of Africa. Del Not another documentary about Aids? Raquel No, it's a film with Robert Redford. Albert Did I ever tell you about the time I was in Africa? Del (Under his breath) About 3,000 times! Raquel gives Del a glance which tells him to shut up. Raquel No. Why what happened, Unc? Del (Quietly) During the war. Albert During the war I was on this hospital ship. We'd picked up some of the wounded from Monty's North Africa campaign and dropped 'em off in Durban. I helped carry some of them lads off the ship. It was tragic to see some of 'em, bloody tragic. I cried for 'em... Daft, eh? Del There's nothing wrong with crying, Albert. I cried when me mum died. Albert But you were only 16, Del. I was a full-grown man. Del I shed a little tear when Rodney got married and left home... I cried even more when he come back! Albert The most frightening thing in all my life happened while I was in Africa. While we were docked at Durban a couple of black blokes asked me and some of me mates if we wanted to go out and see the jungle. We jumped at the chance. You're like that when you're young, ain't you? Del (Already getting bored) Oh yeah, we've all done it. Albert So off we all went on the back of this open lorry. Well, after a couple of hours the undergrowth started getting heavier and heavier. We were deep in the heart of the jungle. There was swamps and quicksand and everything. Raquel is slightly asleep with boredom. Raquel Mmmmh. Albert In the end we had to get off the lorry and start walking. The lads were mucking about. You know, making Tarzan noises and all that. Del eyes are closed and is operating on auto. Del Rascals. Albert Anyway, somehow or another I got cut off from the rest of the party and found meself in this clearing. I just just about to retrace me steps when I heard a noise behind me. I turned round and standing there was the biggest lion I've ever seen. Raquel is now asleep. Del's eyes are closed and he is just mumbling in his half-sleep. Del Didn't need all that, do you? Albert I looked at him - and he looked at me. We just stood there - looking at each other. Then suddenly he went Raaaaggggghhhhhrrrrr! Albert lets out a massive and loud roar. He puts so much effort into it that his eyes are bulging. Del and Raquel wake with alarm. Del Cor blimey, Albert! Leave it out, will you? Albert I've never been so frightened ... I did something very childish, Del. (He is on the point of crying) I wet meself! (Holding back the tears) A full-grown man - and I wet meself. Del Hey, no, come on. That's nothing to get upset about, Unc. Any bloke would do the same if faced with a man- eating lion! Albert I don't mean in the jungle. I mean just now when I went 'Raaaggghhhrrrr'. Del Oh! Er... Del looks to Raquel. Raquel Er... A key is heard in the door. The door opens but it is held by the chain of the security lock. Rodney (OOV) I don't believe it! The chain is long enough and loose enough for Rodney to put his hand round the door and unlock it. Rodney enters. Hangs his coat up and enters the lounge. Albert is exiting for the bedroom area, followed by Raquel. Del (To Raquel) There's some of his stuff in the airing cupboard. Raquel exits and closes the door. Rodney Alright? How's Albert? Del He's not his old self. Rodney Oh good! Just a joke. Del I bloody hope it was! Rodney Alright, keep your hair on. Rodney is about to sit in Albert's chair. Del No! Rodney (Hasn't sat yet) What? Del (Smiling) Nothing. Rodney sits in the chair. Rodney So he's no better? Del No, he ain't been out the door for ages. The doctor said he should get back to normal life. Rodney That's right. I was there. You see, I think the problem is... Rodney looks down at the chair as he suffers some mild and mysterious discomfort. Rodney (Cont'd) You are being very kind and considerate. You're being patient and understanding. Del Yeah. Rodney Well, that ain't normal, is it? Del You looking for a doughboy round the ear, Rodney? Rodney Ah, now that's normal! D'you see what I mean? This flat is all hurly-burly, shouting and arguing - nobody means any harm by it - it's just the way we are. But all of a sudden we're treating Albert with kid gloves. If it goes on much longer he'll start to accept that as normal. Then when we go back to real normality it'll put him back into shock. Del So you reckon we oughta toughen up a bit? Rodney The gently, gently approach hasn't worked. Del I can't be hard on him, Rodney. Rodney Nor can I! But... Rodney looks down at the chair again and wonders what this feeling is he is experiencing. Rodney (Cont'd) We'd be doing it for him! Otherwise he'll take root in this flat. Del Yeah... maybe. Albert enters from his bedroom wearing fresh pyjamas and dressing gown. Rodney (Offering armchair) Here you are, Unc. Albert (Emphatically) No, you stay where you are, son. I'll sit over here. Alright if I have a drop of brandy, Del? Del Yeah, of course, Unc. Del is about to move to bar, then remembers Rodney's words. Del (Cont'd) You know where it is. Albert Eh? Oh yeah. Albert moves to the bar. Rodney We've got a very busy day ahead of us tomorrow, Derek. Del hasn't caught on to Rodney's act. Del Have we? Rodney Yes! Del Oh yeah, a very busy day. We won't have time to go down to get the shopping. Rodney No. And we can't expect Raquel to do it, not in her condition. Del That's true, Rodney! Rodney So... (Looking down at chair again) What are we going to do? Del Albert, you'd better go 'n' get the shopping. Albert Me? I can't go out there, Del. Del Yes, you can! Albert I don't really feel up to it yet, son. Del You just pop don to the shop and get some fish fingers... Listen to me, Unc, we've got a busy time ahead of us, what with Trotters Independent Traders being in a phase of commercial augmentation and Raquel about to drop her chavvy. We can't carry any lame ducks. You are starting to get under our feet. D'you understand what I'm saying? Get up and get out, 'cos you're no good to us the way you are. Albert Yeah... I understand you, Del... I understand. Albert moves to his bedroom. Albert Goodnight, boys. Rodney That was a bit tough, weren't it? Del What? You were the one who said... Rodney (Cutting in) I'm not saying anything against you - just you were harder than I imagined. Del Are you comfortable in that chair, Rodney? Rodney Eh? Del laughs, Rodney reacts. Del laughs louder. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. The table is laid for breakfast. Albert's treasure chest is still in the room. Del and Rodney enter. Rodney is carrying a suitcase. Raquel, still in her dressing gown, appears at the kitchen door. Raquel You're back early. Del Yeah, it's parky out there this morning, sweetheart. I'm starving. Raquel I'll do you a bowl of muesli. Del Cushty. Raquel exits to kitchen. Del Bloody muesli! Rodney Albert's left his treasure chest out here. There's a photo of a ship going down. (Reads back) 'June 27th, 1943. HMS Lock sinks'. Del Look at all these telegrams the Admiralty sent Aunt Ada. 'Albert Trotter lost at sea presumed drowned.' Blimey, must have been rough on the old girl. Raquel enters from the kitchen carrying a breakfast tray. Raquel I'll just take this into Albert, then I'll do your muesli. Del Lovely Jubbly. Raquel moves to Albert's bedroom. Rodney All the other telegrams say the same. 'Albert Trotter lost at sea presumed drowned.' She couldn't have taken 'em seriously in the end. Del (Reading another telegram) No. Even the Admiralty didn't in the end. Look what this one says, 'Albert Trotter lost at sea presumed wet!' Rodney Is that what it says? Del 'Course not you wally! Raquel exits from Albert's bedroom carrying a note. Raquel He's not there! Del What d'you mean, he's not there? Raquel He's gone! He left a note. 'I won't get under your feet any more. Your loving Uncle, Albert.' Del and Rodney look at each other, both filled with guilt. Rodney It must have been what you said last night. Del What I said! I didn't wanna say anything 'til you come in and told me to say something! Rodney Well, don't try an blame me! Del And don't try and blame m... Raquel (Cutting in) Will you two stop arguing? Go and find him! Del Well, where's he gone? Raquel I don't know! Go 'n' look! Rodney She's right. Let's go. I'll take the van, you take the Pratmobile. Rodney rushes to the hall and front door. Del (To Raquel) What did he say? EXT. NELSON MANDELA HOUSE. DAY. Rodney rushes from the doors towards the van. Del exits from the doors a couple of seconds later. Del (Shouts) What do you mean, 'Prat- mobile?' Rodney (Urgently) Come on! 1. TOWER BRIDGE. We see the van and Capri pass each other on the bridge. 2. CHARING CROSS ARCHES. Tramps sitting around a fire. Rodney describes Albert to them. The tramps shake their heads. Rodney gives them a quid. 3. CHELSEA PENSIONERS. Del talks to them about Albert. They shake their heads. 4. PUB. Rodney approaches the pub and looks in through the door. He returns to the van. As he sits in the van we see rain falling on the windscreen. 5. IMPERIAL WAR MUSEUM. As Del exits the museum we hear a thunderclap. Del looks up at the skies and pulls his collar up. 6. RODNEY DRIVING THE VAN. Windscreen wipers going. 7. DEL DRIVING THE CAPRI. Windscreen wipers going. 8. HMS BELFAST. Rodney exits from the bridge. He feels the air to confirm it has stopped raining. Walks across deck. 9. SEAMAN'S MISSION. Del, disappointed, exits from the mission. 10. STREET. Rodney punches out a number on his mobile phone. Del hears a ringing sound but doesn't know where it's coming from. He finally realises and produces the mobile phone. Rodney Any luck? Del No. As Del answers we see Rodney wander into the background. Although they are only 25 yards apart, they cannot see each other because of an obstacle. 12. CARDBOARD CITY. Del moves a box to discover a young vagrant sleeping in it. Del describes Albert and asks, 'Have you seen him?' The kid holds his hand out for money. Del pays him, describes Albert again. The boy shakes his head and smiles. 13. LONDON BRIDGE. We see Rodney's head bobbing along with the rush-hour tide. 14. MARKET. We see Del among the market crowd. 15. LONDON BRIDGE. Rodney continues crossing the bridge with the crowd. 16. MARKET. Del chatting to a trader. 17. STREET/VAN. Rodney suddenly realises where Albert is. 18. WILD SHOTS. Wild shots of Del and Rodney realising where Albert is. 19. PORTOBELLO ROAD MARKET. Del is walking through market. 20. FINAL SEQUENCE. EXT. YUPPY HOUSING DEVELOPMENT IN DOCKS AREA/RIVER. DAY. We see a street sign which reads: 'Tobacco Road'. The Capri screeches to a halt, Del alights, looks towards the river and smiles to himself. The van pulls up. Rodney alights. Del gestures towards the river. Albert is seated down near the river, looking out across the water. Rodney (Quietly, caringly) Alright, Unc? Albert What you two doing here? Del We were worried about you, you silly old git. We've been looking all over London for you! Rodney We found your note. Albert How'd you know I'd be here? Rodney Just a guess, I s'pose. This is where you was born, innit? Albert Yeah. Tobacco Road. My house was... (Looking around) Well, somewhere round here. Del What's it all about, eh? Running away from home at your age! Albert A lot of things been going through my mind recently, Del. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I feel as if I let the family down. (Indicating the bruising) I let you two down. Del Oh don't be so bloody daft! Rodney You didn't let anyone down! Albert I needed to be alone for a while. Rodney But where were you gonna go? Albert I hadn't given it much thought, Rodney. I didn't realise things had changed so much. The first time I left home, when I was about 15, I just came here and got a job on a tramp- steamer... Life seemed easier then. Del It ain't all that difficult now, Albert. All you gotta do is come home - to your family. Albert Thanks, son. Rodney Come on, let's go. Albert You know, once upon a time ships from all over the world used to sail in and out of here. The water used to be covered with a film of oil and when the sun shone it used to sparkle with all different colours. When I was a kid I used to think that rainbows lived in the river. Del You were a bit divvy in them days as well? Rodney (A warning) Oi! Del Yeah, alright. Albert There were tugs nudging freighters into position. Cranes lifting out timber from Canada and bananas from Jamaica. The pubs and the cafs were filled with sailors from a hundred countries. By the time I was seven I could swear in ten different languages. There used to be streets here as well. Loads of little two up, two down houses. 'Dockers' mansions' they used to call 'em. Ragamuffins kicking footballs against the walls. The women used to come out and chase us away with their brooms... They were rough people, but they were good people. During the Blitz some of the men painted a sign on the roof of a warehouse so that the Luftwaffe pilots could read it. It said 'Dear Adolf, you can break our windows - but not our hearts!' Look at what they've done to it now! Del Yeah...It's triffic, innit? Rodney Triffic? Del You any idea how much these drums are worth, Rodney? As Del speaks, so Albert looks appealingly to Rodney. Rodney tries to give Albert a reassuring look. Del An arm and a leg, that's what they're worth. Lord Linley's got one of these. And Michael Caine. Makes you proud to be British! This is a bit of me, this is. I can se it now. Nice little black Porsche parked outside, me windsurfer tied to the roof rack. Rodney and Albert walk back towards the van, leaving Del talking to himself. Del A few friends from the City arriving for a little private party in yonder pub. A few glasses of Mot and some pt foie gras, 'cos I'm a champagne and liver sausage ort of person, and watch the old currant bun setting behind the Docklands arena. Paradise. Wait a couple of years for property prices to rocket, then knock it out to some Arab for twice the purchase price. Lovely Jubbly! The van pulls away with Rodney and Albert inside, leaving Del staring dreamily across the waters. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. Ten hours later. Albert is on the settee. Raquel You alright, Unc? Albert Yeah, I'm alright, dear. Raquel You didn't have to go run- ning off like that, Del didn't mean anything. Albert I know, he's explained to me. It's just that I felt... well, I felt like a failure. I'm not a coward, Raquel. There was nothing I could do. There was six of 'em! Raquel I know. Albert, nobody thinks you're... Six of them? Del enters from the bedroom in his dressing gown. Del Where's Rodney? Raquel He went out for a drink. Again! Del That explains it. I was talking to a couple of winos earlier and they said they were busy celebrating St Rodney's Day... (Now with grave concern) Wait a minute, I hope he ain't gone to the Nag's Head! Raquel Why, what's happening at the Nag's Head tonight? Del Eh? Oh nothing! Raquel exits to the kitchen. Del sits and becomes deep in thought. There is a ring at the front-door bell. This alarms Albert. Albert Is that the bell, Del? Del Yeah, I think it was, Unc. Del is about to stand when he changes his mind. Del (Cont'd) I'm a bit busy at the moment. Albert Oh... (Calls) Raquel! Del Raquel's busy as well. You answer it. Albert Me? Del Come on, Unc. You've got nothing to be worried about. I'm here. Raquel You're gonna have to answer the door sometime or another, so it might as well be now... The door bell rings again. Del See who it is, Albert. Albert moves hesitantly towards the hall door. He opens the hall door and stares in fear at the front door. Albert (Calls) Who's there? Knock-Knock Knock-Knock. Albert It's Knock-Knock! Del Is it? Albert I can't see him, Del! Del Well, of course you can't. You ain't opened the door! Albert I mean, I don't wanna see him! I can't face it, Del! Del Alright, alright. Leave it to me. Del exits to the hall and closes the door behind him. Raquel You can talk to Knock-Knock Albert. He's your friend. Albert I don't wanna talk to him, not at the moment. Raquel But he's most probably come to see how you are. He might have brought you a bunch of grapes. Albert I'm not feeling all that well, love. I think I'll go to my room. Raquel OK. Albert moves to bedroom. As he gets to the door, so Del enters from the hall. Del is now knowing and accusing. Del Oi, stay right where you are! (Producing Albert's gold watch) Knock-Knock brought this back. There's a bit of luck, innit! Raquel It's your pocket watch, Albert. Where's he get it from? Del He found it in the bushes on that patch of grass near the swings. Raquel What, where Albert was mugged last week? Del No! Where Albert and Knock- Knock, while walking home from the pub, had a fight last week! Raquel They had a fight? Del Yeah, over Marlene's mum! And Knock-Knock knocked him out! He weren't mugged, the lying old git! Raquel But what about his money that went missing? Del He lost it all at dominoes to Knock-Knock! Raquel Oh Albert! Albert I didn't know what to say! I felt silly, losing to a man three years older than me. He kept saying he was better than me at every- thing. So I squared up to him and he hit me! Del Have you any idea the problems you've caused? We've got a police investigation going on. I've been out looking for five muggers. Raquel Six! Del Oh it's gone up to six now, has it? Any more offers? Albert I felt embarrassed! Once I'd said it I couldn't go back. Rodney enters. Rodney (Excited) Should have been down the Nag's Head. There was the punch-up to end all punch- ups! Del closes his eyes and turns away. Raquel What happened, then? Rodney That mob of skinheads were in there, the ones Del said mugged Albert. Anyway, you know Ollie the greaser? Well, him and his gang have come and attacked the skinheads. There was blood up the wall, grease on the ceiling. Ollie and his boys took a right hammering! It turns out them skinheads aren't skinheads at all. They're coppers! Del They're what? Rodney Undercover policemen. They were put on the estate a few weeks back when the muggings started. Del Oh God! Rodney What's up, Del? Del Well, I... anyone would have done the same. Raquel You didn't... you didn't... have anything to do with this, did you? Del Well... I wanted revenge for what they'd done to that dozy old twonk! I sort of... kind of... gave Ollie 100 quid to sort it out. Raquel Oh for God's sake! This baby will be born premature if I hang around you much longer! Raquel storms to the bedroom and slams the door. Del (Appealing to her) Be fair, sweetheart. They looked like muggers! Rodney When Oliver and his army get out of hospital I've got a fair idea where their first port of call will be! Del Yeah, me too. Albert Well, they better not try anything with me around! I used to be the Royal Navy boxing champion. Del (Fist clenched) I'm gonna kill you! Rodney grabs Del's raised hand. Rodney Del!

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