Only Fools And Horses

Classs Of '62

INT. A NIGHTCLUB. A sign reads "Auditions. Please report to back door". The owner and manager of the club (both tough-looking characters of 45) are seated facing the stage, on which a 20-year-old girl is singing accompanied by the club's pianist. Seated at the bar are Del, excited and power- dressed, and Rodney, bored and casually dressed. The girl is singing 'Feelings'. Del (Quietly to Rodney) She ain't a lotta cop, is she? Rodney I honestly ain't got a clue, Del. I don't even know why you brought me here. Del Well, you're out of work, Rodney, so what else would you be doing at 10 o'clock in the morning? Laying in your pit playing tent! I thought you'd like to come along here and give Raquel a bit of encouragement. Rodney Encouragement? Have you heard the song she's chosen for her audition? I mean, it's ridiculous, stupid! Del I chose that song! Rodney Did you? Well, that explains it! Del It's a beautiful song. Rodney It's hardly appropriate. Del Of course it's appropriate. The old numbers are coming back. Owner (Calls to the girl singer) Yes, thank you, love, thank you. Next. (Calls) Raquel Turner. Raquel enters the stage and smiles nervously to Del and Rodney. Del smiles proudly. Rodney returns the nervous smile. Owner (To Del) Are you her agent? Del Yes, I am. He hands the owner an introduction card. Del (Cont'd) Derek Trotter of the Trotter International Star Agency, Peckham. 'You want 'em, we got 'em.' That's our motto. D'you know Shirley Bassey? Owner Well, not personally. Del (Winking and crossing his fingers) Like that, like that! The pianist plays the opening bars to 'Chapel Of Love'. Raquel (Sings) I'm going to the chapel and I'm gonna get married. Going to the chapel and I'm gonna get married. She now turns slightly and we see she is five months pregnant. We see the shocked reactions of the owner. He looks to Rodney and Del. Owner (Calls to Raquel - loud) Next! Del is bemused, Rodney embarrassed. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. Albert is lying asleep in the armchair. There are two large cardboard boxes, one on top of the other. Large printing on the box reads 'Futafax. The fax machine of tomorrow - today'. Stenciled across the boxes is the word 'reject'. Beneath this is a white square of glued -on paper upon which is printed 'Lot 41'. On the bar is one of the fax machines. The machine begins printing out a message with much flashing of red and green lights and overloud printing sound. It prints out a short message. Now all the lights go out, accompanied by an electronic beep which slowly dies. The front door opens. Albert immediately wakes up, is out of the chair and running a carpet sweeper over the rug. Rodney and Raquel enter from the hall. Rodney Alright, Unc? Albert Phew, I haven't stopped since you went out. How'd the audition go? Raquel Don't ask! Just don't ask! He got me up on the stage and got me singing "I'm going to the chapel and I'm going to get married". Look at me! Del enters. Del I think it was your choice of song, Raquel. Next time we'll choose something more modern. Maybe a Madonna number. Raquel How about Like A Virgin? Del Yeah, something like that! ... Here, you shouldn't be standing up too long in your condition. Come and sit down. Try this one, it's nice and warm. Del looks at Albert. Albert grins nervously. Raquel I was gonna make some tea. Del Don't worry about that. I'll make a pot of tea. Rodney, make a pot of tea. Rodney How come I've gotta do it? Del Because Raquel's pregnant and your Uncle's knackered! Rodney Yes, and I'm supposed to be out of work! Albert But it's not compulsory, Rodney. The government do allow you to make a pot of tea. Rodney What I'm saying, Unc, is, what about Brian Epstein there? Del I've got all my correspond- ence to catch up with. Rodney What, one letter! And that's for Raquel! Raquel I'll make the tea. Raquel exits to the kitchen. Del It's alright for some little dipstick who's got nothing better to do than jolly it up down the pub every night and crawl out of bed when he hears the theme tune to Home And Away! But me, I'm a trailblazer, a captain of industry. I'm dealing with clients who run organizations that are household names. Rodney Yeah, like Parkhurst! Del None of my mates are in Parkhurst, Rodney! Rodney A captain of industry! More like a bloody stowaway! You get off on this yuppy image, don't yer? I mean, what's the latest brain- wave? Fax machines. Albert They're handy things to have, Rodney! Rodney For normal people, yes! But he doesn't know anyone who's got another fax machine! That's why, in the two months he's been wired up to the worldwide digital miracle, he ain't had one message! (Looks at machine and reacts) You've got a message on your fax machine, Del. Del Ah! How's it feel to be a plonker, Rodney? This could have come from anywhere! New York, Rome, Toronto! (Reads message) It's from Mike at the Nag's Head. See, he had the foresight to buy one of my machines and he's double-glad he did! (Reading more of the message) Cor, he's a moaner, ain't he? 'Machine not working pro...' What's he want for 45 quid? What about this, then? I've only been invited to a school reunion. Albert You're kidding. Del No, straight up. It's the pupils of class 4C who left the Martin Luther King Comprehensive in 1962. (To Albert) That used to be the old Dockside secondary modern. That's a turn up for the book, innit? I'm gonna see all my old mates. Rodney D'you suffer with seasick- ness? Del No, why? Rodney It can get choppy on that Isle of Wight ferry. Del This is the last time I tell you, Rodney, my mates are not in bloody Parkhurst! Anyway, the reunion's tonight at the Nag's Head. (Calls) Here, Raquel, you'll never guess! Del exits to the kitchen. Raquel is rereading the letter and looking deeply worried. Del enters. Del My old school are only having a reunion tonight at the Nag's Head. What's up? Raquel Nothing. Del There's something bothering you, ain't there? I can tell. Is it the audition? 'Cos that geezer was well out of... Raquel (Cutting in) No! Nothing to do with that. It's this letter. It's from my solicitors. They've managed to trace my husband and told him that I've started divorce proceedings. Del Good... And what's he say about it? Raquel His solicitors said that he is considering his response. Del There's nothing he can do about it, sweetheart. I mean, you broke up with him eight years ago. In all that time have you ever seen him or heard from him? Raquel No, nothing. But you don't know him like I do! He can be horrible when he wants to be! I wish you'd never suggested starting divorce proceedings. Del Look, don't worry about your old man, Raquel. He can't hurt you, darling. He don't even know where you live. And even if he did, he's gonna have to get past me first. So let's just leave it to the solicitors, eh? Let them... solicit. I want our relationship to be pukka - married and all the exes. (Indicating her lump) I know that little faceache in there weren't planned, but, well, he's here now. Raquel Or her. Del Or her. And if I was any more happy about it I'd be dangerous. You and him... Raquel (Cutting in) Or... Del (Cutting in) ... her - you're the best thing that's happened to me since... well, since me mum died. Raquel ponders this compliment. Del D'you understand what I'm saying? Raquel Well... I think so. Del So stop worrying, eh? Promise? Raquel Alright, Del, you know best. Del Good girl. You know it makes sense. He kisses her gently. Del (Cont'd) You know I'd do anything for you - anything. Raquel Alright. Promise me you won't get drunk with your mates tonight. Del On your bike. ROOM ABOVE THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. Food and drinks are laid out on a table. Del and Denzil are seated and looking bored and uncomfortable. Boycie is pacing and checking his watch. Rodney is seated in the corner sipping a beer and smoking a roll-up. Boycie This is bloody ridiculous. The reunion was supposed to start at 7.30 and look, it's almost 8.10. Denzil Who's organised all this? Mike enters carrying more food. Mike Ain't he here yet? Denzil Who? Mike Your host. The bloke who paid for all this. He said he'd arrive late. He wants to make a bit of an entrance - surprise you all. Del Come on, Michael, who is it? You can tell us. Mike I don't know, Del. He just came in yesterday and said he wanted to book a room for a school reunion. That reminds me, I wanna have a word with you about that bloody fax machine you sold me! Del Yes, yes, Michael! I'm rather busy at the moment. I'll fax you about it during the week. Boycie (To Mike) So what was this bloke's name? Mike I didn't catch it. Denzil But didn't you write his name on the receipt and in your accounts? Mike Er, no, I forgot. Boycie In other words, he paid in cash? Mike Yeah. Denzil What's he look like? Was he tall? Mike Yeah, tallish. Del Did he have a scar running sown from the bridge of his nose to his mouth? Mike Not that I noticed. Del It's not our old headmaster, then. Denzil How can it be our old head- master? The doctors said he'd never be allowed back into society. The door slowly opens. They all look towards it with apprehension. Trigger enters. Del/Boycie/Denzil Trigger! Trigger Alright? Del Wait a minute. Maybe Trigger organised this! Boycie Oh turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque. Trigger I got lost on me way here. Denzil How could you get lost? You've been coming in this pub since you were 16! Trigger No, I found the pub alright. I meant I couldn't find this room. (To Mike) I've been in your dance hall for the last hour. Mike But all the lights are out! Trigger I know. Boycie You've been standing in the dark for an hour? Trigger Yeah! I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone. Mike But there was no one else in there. Trigger But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out! How you going, Dave? Rodney Alright, Trig. Mike Well, I'll send your man up as soon as he arrives. In the meantime, enjoy your- selves. Mike exits. Rodney This is a bit of a mystery, isn't it? It's like something out of an Agetha Christie film. Del/Boycie/Denzil (Beginning to worry) Yeah! Trigger I used to fancy her. Rodney I mean, think about it. Someone has arranged for you four to be in the same room at the same time... (To Trigger) You used to fancy Agatha Christie? Trigger Yeah. I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall. Denzil But she was an old lady. All English country gardens and granny hats. Del That's right. She looked like Mr Kipling's bit on the side. Trigger Well, I fancied her. I saw her in that film, Doctor Zhivago. Boycie That's Julie Christie, you berk! Trigger Yeah, well, whatever, I liked her. Rodney tries to brighten them up. Rodney As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in this room - together. No one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that? The four look at each other. Trigger Jeremy Beadle? Boycie Jeremy bloody Beadle! Rodney Don't be stupid! Del Don't try and frighten us, Rodney, 'cos it won't work! Denzil Well, I'm gonna shoot off now! Rodney starts laughing at Denzil's fear. Del is hiding his fear and trying to maintain safety in numbers. Del You can't go, Denzil! Denzil I wasn't at your school for long! Me mum and dad didn't even come down to London 'til I was 13.! I don't feel I really qualify as one of the old school boys! Boycie Did you get an invitation? Denzil Yeah. Boycie Then you're stopping! Denzil It's just that I've got a thought going round my head. Boycie Well, lend it to Trigger. Denzil Say - just say - our old headmaster... has escaped! This strikes fear into Del, Boycie and Rodney. Rodney Look, I'm just gonna see how Albert is. Del You stay right where you are! Strength in numbers, that's my motto! Other than Rodney, they all have there backs to the door. We see the door open slightly and a man's hand enters and switches the lights off. Denzil Oh, bloody hell! Boycie What's happening? Del Alright, alright, take it easy! Rodney Switch the lights on, Del. Del Shuddup. The door slowly opens. Silhouetted against the bright lights from the hallway is the tall figure of a man wearing a long black overcoat. Denzil It's our headmaster! It's bend-over Benson! Del Well, if it is he's grown another ear form somewhere. The man steps forward into the room and switches the lights back on. We see it is Slater. This is the new, born-again-Christian Slater. He is decent and repentant. Slater (Big friendly grin) Surprise, surprise! We see the horrified reactions of the guys. Del/Boycie Slater! Slater I had you going, didn't I? Be honest, I had you this time! Of all your old classmates you never guessed Roy Slater would be here! Del What the hell are you doing back, Slater? Slater Oh come on, Del Boy. I've gone to a lot of trouble here. Boycie You mean you organised this reunion? Slater Yeah. I was in town and I thought it'd be a very nice way to catch up with me old mates. Here Marlene's had a nipper! Boycie (Immediately defensive) What about it? Slater Well, nothing. Just con- gratulations. I know you and her have been dreaming of having a baby for years. It's... it's nice. And, Rodney. Rodney (Amazed) What? Slater You've got married! Rodney I know! Slater Look, you don't have to be on the defensive with me, son. I'm pleased for you. Rodney Yeah, well the marriage hasn't really worked. Del (Cutting in) Don't tell him! He'll find a way of using it against yer! Slater Look, Del, I haven't come here to upset things! It's just a little get-together, that's all. Can't we at least be friendly? Del Friendly? With a snide like you! I wish it had been our old headmaster now! Denzil I wish it had been Jeremy Beadle! Boycie I thought you were in Parkhurst! Slater I got paroled six months ago. Trigger You back in the police force now, Roy? Slater No, Trig. They wouldn't have me back. Not since I was found guilty of diamond smuggling and given a five- year prison sentence. The police are funny about things like that. I've been living in Colchester, working for an undertaker - hence the coat. By the looks on your faces, I wish I'd brought my tape measure. Fancy a drink? Boycie No thanks, Roy. I've got a prior engagement with the downstairs toilet. Del (Referring to Slater) Save yourself a journey. The biggest karsy's up here! Rodney Yeah, I've gotta be off as well, chief inspector. My uncle promised to tell me all about the war. Slater Wait a minute! Let's get a few things straight. I'm not a chief inspector any more. I'm just an ordinary bloke. I can't do you any harm and I don't mean you any harm. I know you'll laugh, but... I've changed. The others laugh derisively. Slater A man doesn't go to this expense without good reason. I know this may sound ridiculous - but, if it were possible, I'd like to wipe the slate clean. Del Wipe the slate clean! After what you've done to us in the past? At some time or another you fitted us all up on some Mickey Mouse charge! Slater I know, Del, I know! That's why I kept my guest list to just you lot. You're the ones who deserve my biggest apologies. I wish I could turn the clock back. Del So do I! To about half-past six this evening, then I'd have stayed in and watched the telly! You nicked me, Denzil and Boycie once for possession of stolen property. Boycie Yeah, and we'd bought it off you! Slater I know. And... I'm sorry. Boycie Sorry! Denzil With the greatest respect, ex-chief inspector, stuff your apologies. Rodney I remember when you follow- ed me in the van and nicked me for doing 70 miles an hour in a built-up area. It was just my word against yours and guess who the magistrates believed! I mean, that van wouldn't reach 70 if you pushed it off a cliff! Del reacts to this insult to his beloved van. Slater Rodney, I'm sorry. Rodney Yeah, well, shove it, Slater, shove it! Denzil What about the time you planted 3,000 Green Shield stamps on Trigger and he went away for 18 months in a young offenders' home? Slater I'm sorry, Trig. Trigger Oh that's alright, Roy. I always wanted to be mates with you lot but you, sort of, spurned me. I wanted to hurt you for not liking me. If you can't join 'em, beat 'em, that was my attitude. So the police force became my god. But in the end even my own colleagues got sick of me and my - ambitions! I knew my days were numbered. I began to panic. I felt as if the whole thing was coming to a premature conclusion. No pun intended, Boycie. Boycie at first nods understandingly, then reacts. Slater (Cont'd) I was worried about my future - financial security, that sort of thing. So I turned to crime. I got myself involved in that diamond smuggling caper, and - as I of all people should have known - I got collared. I had three and a half years in a 10ft by 6ft prison cell to work out where I'd gone wrong in life! While I was in prison I found Jesus. Del What, they fitted him up too? Slater Well, to be more precise, Jesus found me. It was about that time I got a message to say my old man had passed away. Del Yeah, I know, Roy. I went to his funeral. Slater Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone. Trigger Why didn't you? Denzil He most probably didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder on him! He was in nick, Trig! Trigger No, I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings. Slater I applied for temporary compassionate release. Then my mum wrote to the governor. Denzil And he wouldn't let you out? Slater Not after what that old cow put in her letter! You see, even my own mother's against me! Pathetic, innit? My own... perhaps this reunion weren't such a good idea after all. You look a bit embarrassed. Go on, you shoot off. I'll hang around. I've gotta sort the money out with the guv'nor. The good guys now look at each other, struggling with their common sense and common decency. Del Go on then, Sla... Roy. I'll have a drink with you before I go. Slater (Moved by Del's magnanimity) Thank you, Derek. What about you other fellers? Will you break bread with me? Rodney I'd prefer a Southern Comfort. Denzil Have you two gone mad? Del What harm can he do? He's an undertaker's tea-boy! Denzil Yeah, he's still putting bodies away! Boycie You don't honestly believe he's changed, do you? Rodney Personally, I'm not sure. But I'll always give some- one the chance to prove it. Rodney now gives a show of unity for Slater. Rodney (Cont'd) Make that a double, Roy. Denzil Alright, I'll have a lager... Trigger? Trigger Yeah, I'll have a beer. Boycie (To Trigger) How can you drink with Slater? That's the man who stitched you up with them knocked-off Green Shield stamps and sent you away for 18 months! Trigger I know. But when I come out I got an electric blanket and a radio with 'em. Trigger winks. Del (To Boycie) A cognac? Boycie (Nods) And quick! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. Old photographs are scattered over the floor and sticking out of ancient shoeboxes and albums which lie among the empty beer cans. Bowls of peanuts, half-eaten pizzas and overflowing ash- trays. Del, Rodney, Boycie, Denzil, Trigger and Slater have all had too much to drink. Albert, in his pyjamas and dressing gown, is trying to catch them up. Boycie is speaking to Marlene on his mobile phone. In the background the others are laughing at the old photos. Boycie (On phone) It's simple, Marlene. You can pick me up when you drop Raquel back here. No, I am not drunk! None of us are drunk! Rodney (Calls) Del is! Del Shuddup, Rodney! Rodney (To Del) You promised your loved one you wouldn't get drunk! Albert Why do women always say 'Don't get drunk'? Denzil It's their nature. My Corinne was always saying that - before she left me. Rodney Yeah, and my Cassandra. Albert My Ada was the same. Trigger And they wonder why their marriages break up. Slater Take my advice. The only sure way to avoid a broken marriage is don't turn up for the wedding! They all laugh. Boycie (Hand over the mouthpiece) Keep the noise down, will yer. The women might hear! We don't want them thinking we're enjoying ourselves! (On phone) Yes, I've had a couple of drinks. It's a school reunion, innit? Alright, I'll se you in a minute. Boycie switches the phone off. Rodney Who's for another drink? Boycie Not for me. I'll get me coat on. Marlene'll be here in a minute. Slater It's funny, but I've looked at all these photos of the boys, my old mates, enjoying themselves at various stages of their lives... and I'm not in one of them. Denzil Well, you were busy, Roy. (One photo) I mean, when we took this one you were at police training college. Del (Another photo) And when that one was taken you was in nick. Albert I suppose it was tough for you inside, eh? Specially when they found out you were an ex-copper. Slater You don't know the half of it. It was a nightmare. Every mealtime they lined up against the wall as I passed. 'Snide, snide!' They'd whisper. 'We're gonna get you snide. How your wife can sow, Slater.' Boycie Didn't the warders do nothing? Slater That was the warders! The convicts really had it in for me - 24 hours a day you're watching your back - specially in the shower room! Del Yeah, I've heard there's a few bandidos in there. Slater Oh yeah! It's no wonder Oscar Wilde wrote a poem about it! You'd be amazed what they'd sell for a king-size fag and a box of matches. Fortunately they didn't give me any problems. I mean, these days even the poofs don't fancy me. They all laugh. Del Here's a photo with you in it, Roy. Look, it's the old school football team. Boycie Look at that! How old were we? 14?... There's little Del Boy with his Roger Daltry haircut! Del I was your midfield dynamo. I used to play like Paul Gascoigne. There's Boycie - he used to play like Bamber Gascoigne! Trigger There's that Italian kid. Good player. What was his name? A car horn is heard beeping outside. Boycie That'll be Marlene. Trigger Could you drop us off home, Boyce? Denzil Yeah, and me. Boycie This is not a bleedin' minicab service! Come on, then! Trigger See yer then, Roy. Boycie Yeah, see you Sla... Roy. Slater We'll have a pint in the week, eh? Boycie Well, er... we'll be in the pub sometime or another. Slater It's a date, then. Del I'll get you a copy made of this, Roy. This is most probably the last time you was with all your mates. Look at us. We had Denzil in goal. We had Monkey Harris at right back. There's a feeling about this photo. We had... camaraderie. Trigger Was that the Italian boy? Del Yeah, that was him, Trig! Boycie Come on, Trigger! Denzil, Boycie and Trigger exit. Del Do you want another one, Rodders? Rodney Why not? Del Roy? They turn to see Slater fast asleep on the settee. Del I don't believe it. The Prodigal Plonker's gone to kip! Rodney How we gonna get him home? Albert Where's he staying? Del Some bed and breakfast, he didn't say where. Better let him sleep it off 'til morning. Albert That's not a bad idea. I'm gonna climb in. Albert exits to bedroom. Del You know, if someone had said to me that one day I'd be having a drink and a laugh with Roy Slater, I'd have said they were off there bloody heads. Rodney I suppose he's not such a bad bloke after all. Del No. Take away the uniform and the badges and he's just as scared as the rest of us. I'll get some ice. Del exits to the kitchen. Rodney sits back in the chair and looks at the soccer photo. He smiles and slowly his eyes close. His head rests on the back of the chair and he drift into sleep. Slater snores loudly. There are crisps, nuts, pizzas, glasses, photos, beer cans and bodies. The front door closes and Raquel enters from the hall. At first she doesn't notice Slater on the settee. She reacts horrified to the state of the room. Raquel I don't belie... Rodney, where's... She now jumps back as Slater lets out a particularly loud snore. Raquel is horrified to find the body on the sofa. She hears ice cubes clinking into glasses in the kitchen. Del is singing as Raquel enters the kitchen. Del reacts to the look on Raquel's face. Del I'm not drunk! Raquel Where's he come from? Del Who? Oh Roy? From the pub. I said come back for a drink. Raquel You rotten sod! All the promises you made me! Del Oh sweetheart! You didn't believe that tuff about two halves of shandy and midnight Mass did you? Raquel (Almost in tears) You're like all the others! Your promises mean nothing! Bloody nothing! Del Look, you shouldn't get excited in your condition. It's bad for the baby! Have a drink. Raquel I don't wanna drink! I thought I could trust you, Derek! I believed your promises - all of them! 'Your husband can't get near you, Raquel. He'll have to get past me first!' Del Well, that's right. Raquel Really? Well, what's he doing lying asleep on our sofa? Del (Wearing a silly grin) What you on about? Raquel My ex-husband is asleep on our sofa! Del No! That's Slater! Raquel I know his name, Del! I was married to him for four years! The truth - and the full horror of that truth - hits Del. Del Slater? You were married to Slater? Raquel Yes! Del No! Not... Slater! Raquel I wish I hadn't burnt my wedding photos, then maybe you'd believe me! Del Slater? But he's... Slater! Raquel I know! Slater was my married name! Del But... Slater! Raquel I told you my husband was a policeman. Del Yes, but his name was Inspector Slater. Your name's Raquel Turner! Why didn't you tell me what your married name was? Raquel Because every time I mentioned my marriage you said let's change the subject! Have you said anything to him? Del No, he doesn't know any- thing. Are you sure you were married to him? Raquel Of course I'm bloody sure! Del Alright, alright! Look, you stay out here in the kitchen. I'll get rid of him. Cut to lounge as Del enters from the kitchen. Slater is fast asleep and snoring. Del shakes Rodney. Del (Quietly) Rodney! Rodders! Wake up you dipstick! Rodney What is it? Del Slater is Raquel's husband. Rodney stares at him a while then smiles. Del This ain't a joke, Rodney! Raquel was married to Slater! Rodney No! Del It's true, Rodders. I wouldn't lie about some- thing like this! Rodney Does Slater know? Del 'Course he knows. He was at the wedding! Rodney I mean, does he know about you and Raquel? Del Oh I see. No, he don't know nothing. I've gotta get rid of him somehow. Del shakes Slater. Del (At first an angry tone) Slater! (Now more friendly tone) Roy. Slater Oh, Gawd! What's the time, Del? Del Time you was off home. I'll get your coat. Slater Yeah, you're right... (Indicates kitchen) D'you mind if I get a glass of water? Del No, no! There's some trendy water here. Tell me some- thing, Slat... Roy. Did you come back to Peckham just to organise a school reunion? Slater Well, not just for that. My wife's solicitors wrote to me to say she wants a divorce. So I had to come back to sort a few things out with her. I'm gonna phone her brief and see if I can make a meeting with her. Rodney So you don't actually know where she's living? Slater No. But her solicitors are local so she must be around here somewhere, mustn't she? Del (Glancing towards kitchen) Yeah! Slater So I thought while I was here I'd look all me old mates up. And I'm glad I did, Del. It's done me the world of good, meeting you again and finding that you're willing to forgive and forget... It might sound a bit poetic or sentimental, but the cup of human kindness really does runneth o... (Indicates photograph) That's my wife! Del Eh? Slater That picture there! That's my Rachel! Del No, no, it can't be, Roy. It say's here her name's Raquel. Slater Yeah, that was her stage name. She used to do a bit of singing and acting. What's a picture of my wife doing in your flat? Del Well... it's er... What's that picture doing in here, Rodney? Rodney I don't know! Albert enters from his bedroom wearing pyjamas and dressing gown. Albert Can't you lot get to bed? I'm tryna get some sleep in there! Is Raquel in yet? Slater Raquel! You mean she lives here? Del Well, it's difficult to explain, Roy. Raquel enters from the kitchen. Raquel Yes, I live here. Hello, Roy. Slater Rachel! Albert looks behind Raquel to see who the hell Rachel is. Albert (To Del) Who's Rachel?? Slater I'm sorry. I just don't understand what's happening! I came back ere and... Oh now I see it! You're cohabiting, aren't you? Raquel If that's the way you want to put it, yes! Slater (Gestures to the three Trotters) Well, which one? Del You saucy git, Slater! What d'you mean, which one? Slater (To Raquel incredulous and horrified) Del? Raquel Yes, Del! Albert (To Rodney) Who's Rachel? Rodney Shuddup! Slater (To Del) So what's the full SP, Derek?? Is she just another sort you've trawled in your net? Another notch on the bedstead? Or are you two close? Slater reacts to Raquel's lump. He looks round the side of it. Slater Where'd you get that from? You're pregnant! Raquel Oh that's what it is! We've been wondering about this, haven't we Del? Del Look, Roy. You and Raquel broke up over eight years ago! She's a free woman! Slater produces a wallet, inside which are three pieces of paper. He removes one piece and then throws the wallet on the coffee table. Slater Not according to this letter from Rachel's solicitors! According to them I'm still her husband and she's still my wife! Albert He's Raquel's husband? Rodney Yes! Now I'd stay out of it if I was you, Unc! Albert You know me, son. I'm saying nothing! (To Slater) Where'd you think she's been for the last eight years, in a convent? Rodney I just don't believe him! Slater No, I figured she'd have a bloke in tow and I guessed it wouldn't be Cliff Richard! You always liked to live a bit, didnít you, darling? Del One more word, Slater, and I'll take you out on the balcony and see if the EEC have changed the laws on gravity! Slater How'd you expect me to feel? This woman who I loved... Raquel Oh shuddup, Roy, you're making me feel sick! Slater This woman - my lawful wedded wife has been fertilised by a Trotter! You had the whole world to choose from, Rachel. You could have had Saddam Hussein or Pol Pot or a Siberian pimp with gingivitis and a wart on his nose! But you decided to go down-market! Del Right, that's it. Get yer coat, you're out. Rodney Alright, calm down, Derek! Del Well, he's starting to annoy me, Rodney! Albert (To Slater) Why did you come back, son? Slater To see me friends, to see my family and, most important of all, to see my wife... I'm about to receive a little inherit- ance soon. It's a nice few grand and - I know this may sound ridiculous now - but I was hoping that maybe you and me could... try again. A fresh start. Del Why don't you naff off out of it, Slater? Slater Oh don't worry, Derek. I couldn't take it back now, not in that condition. Raquel (Blows her top) I'm getting out of here before I tear his eyes out! Del You're exciting her, Slater! Slater Yeah, I always could, couldn't I love? Del That's it! Rodney puts his hands over his eyes and turns his head away as Del moves to kill Slater. With a supreme effort, Raquel holds Del back. Raquel You'd better shut up, Roy, or I swear I'll set him on you! Calm down, Derek, please. Del Yeah, I'm alright, I'm alright! Go on, you go to bed, sweetheart. I'll see you in a minute. With a last hateful glare at Slater, Raquel exits to the bedroom. There is now a potentially explosive pause. Albert (To Rodney) Who's Rachel? Del/Rodney Shuddup, Albert! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. Two hours later. The room is in darkness. Rodney is lying on the settee with just a blanket over him. He angrily punches the cushion, which is acting as a pillow, and tries to go to sleep. The door from the bedroom area opens and Del, wearing pyjamas and dressing gown, enters and switches the lights on. Rodney shields his eyes from the sudden onslaught of light. Del You awake, Rodney? Rodney (Angrily) Well, even if I weren't, I bloody would be now! Del What's up with you? Rodney What's up with me? You gave Slater my bed! Del I had no choice, Rodders. Slater's hotel would have been locked for the night. I had to let him kip here. Rodney What d'you mean, you had to? Del Have a bit of compassion, Rodney! Can't you see the predicament I'm in? Rodney No, I can't! All I've seen is that snidey bark Slater lying in my bed and me scrunched up on the chaise -longue again! I'm going to sleep! Del Don't go to sleep, Rodney. I wanna talk. Rodney What about? Del What d'you mean, what about? About recent events! Like Slater and Raquel and me and my little baby! Rodney Oh that. Del If people were to find out that Slater was Raquel's husband it'd be the end of me and Trotters Independent Traders. No one would ever trust me! Rodney But no one... Why? Del How d'you think my business associates and clients would feel knowing that I was going caseo with the ex-wife of an ex-copper? And not any ex-copper! Slater the slag! He's hated and loathed throughout the parish! If they were to find out that him and Raquel had lived together and sle... sle... Rodney Slept? Del Oh go to sleep, Rodney! Rodney Sorry. Del I'd be a laughing stock! My image would be ruined. Rodney Nobody's gonna think like that, Del. Del Oh yes they would, Rodney! For someone like Boycie it'd be better than winning the pools. Albert enters from the bedroom. Albert I could hear talking. Rodney It might have been us. Albert Can't you sleep either? I've been lying in there for hours worrying about this situation. If people find out that Raquel was married to Slater you'd be finished. Del I know that, Unc! I can hear it now. They'd be say- ing things behind me back. 'Orrible things. Slater's reject... things like that. Albert Have you spoken with Raquel about it? Del is close to the large box of max machines with the word 'reject' clearly in view. Del Well, of course I haven't! It's not that poor mare's fault. I've gotta protect her from the gossip. I've gotta protect myself as well. I'm a proud man. I don't want people thinking I mess with rejects! That's why I offered Slater your bed, Rodney. I'm trying to keep him sweet. I don't want him opening his big mouth in the pub or the market. He's got a hold over me. One word from him and I'm finished. Rodney But he doesn't know that! He doesnít realise that he is universally hated and despised and if people were to discover the truth you'd be ruined. Albert Rodney's got a point, Del. What he's saying is: don't let Slater walk all over you. If you do he might become suspicious and start wondering why. Del Yeah... I reckon you could be right. Slater enters from the bedroom. He is wearing his suit trousers and a vest and carrying an empty glass. Slater Sorry to interrupt. I've got a terrible thirst. Slater pours some mineral water into his glass. Slater (Cont'd) Couldn't you sleep, Del? Del No. In fact I was gonna bring you an early break- fast in bed, Slater. Slater Oh that's nice of you. Del Then I was gonna drag you by the scruff of the neck and chuck you out the bloody door! Rodney and Albert nod reassuringly to Del in a 'we're with you' manner. Slater Is that right? I couldn't sleep either - worrying about you. What the local reaction would be if they were to find out the truth. I don't think anyone would ever trust you again knowing you were living with the wife of an ex-copper. And not any ex-copper! Slater, who is universally hated and despised! I think it'd be the end of you. Del looks to Rodney and Albert, who lower their eyes in a 'you're on your own' manner. Slater Now I'd hate to see that happen, especially to a good mate like you. Because, despite the fact that you have taken my wife, the one woman I ever really loved, and tubbed her, I don't hold it against you. So, I made a promise to myself and I'm making the same promise to you. I'm gonna keep my mouth shut. Del Right... Well, you know it makes sense. Thanks, Roy. Slater I just hope and pray I don't have too many beers down the Nag's Head and go and let it slip. Beer always goes straight to my head. Now, champagne - champagne's different. I know exactly what I'm saying when I'm drinking champagne. But until my inheritance comes through I can't afford those sort of luxuries. It's a poser, innit, Del? Del picks up a wallet and produces a couple of tenners. Del Here you are, Roy. Buy your- self a couple of bottles on me. Slater Are you sure, Del? Well, that's very nice of you. I really am quite moved. (Snatching the money) Thanks. I'll see you all in the morning. I'm not sure how long I'll be staying - but that's not a problem, is it? Del No, no! You're very welcome, Roy. Slater Thanks Del. Slater exits to the bedroom. Albert What you gonna do, son? He's got you by the... well, like that. Albert screws his fist into a ball. Del I don't know what I'm gonna do! I feel like I'm in a state of shock. Rodney State of shock! Just be like getting hit by a John Barnes free kick! Del Yeah, they're short and curly, ain't they? Gawd knows how much it's gonna cost to keep him quiet. I've given him 40 quid already and it's only the first evening. Albert You might have given him four tenner, but this is Slater's wallet! Albert laughs. Del No! It is an' all. Well, that's cheered me up a little bit. Rodney examines the content of the wallet. Rodney What's all this? And there's some sort of contract from his solicitor ... to Raquel! 'I, Rachel Slater (nťe Turner), hereby waive all my legal rights and entitlements to my husband's present and future estates.' It's one of them things film stars get their future wives to sign - a pre nuptial agreement - well, in this case a post-nuptial agreement. Del So that's what he really came here for, to get Raquel to waive all her rights to his money! Albert But what money is he talk- ing about? I thought he was skint. Rodney Yeah, but he's got some kind of inheritance coming up. I suppose it's what his dad left him. Del (Reading the third paper) No, his dad wouldn't have left him anything. He hated Slater more than us. Listen to this, "Dear Mr Slater, bla, bla, bla. I would take this opper- tunity to bring to your notice the record- breaking high which exists on today's international diamond market. I would strongly advise your consideration to selling the 10 items you deposited with my firm some years ago. I await your instructions, yours faithfully, bla, bla, bla." This is from a Bond Street diamond merchant. Albert So what are those 10 items? Rodney Well, they're hot-cross buns, aren't they! What d'you think they are? They're diamonds! Del This is his inheritance! 10 little sparklers that Slater pugged away after the smuggling racket went up the picture. Del folds the papers up and places them back in the wallet. Rodney You've got him, Del! This is concrete evidence! Del I know, Rodders. But let's not rush things. We've gotta think about the best way to handle this. Slater enters from the bedroom and takes the wallet which Del is holding. Slater Oh you found it, Del. I've been looking everywhere for that. That breakfast in bed you mentioned. A couple of boiled eggs'd be nice about 9.30. Del Yeah, cushty, Roy. Slater exits to the bedroom. Albert You handled that well, son. Del How was I to know he'd come bursting in and nick the evidence? I'm gonna get dressed and take a drive. Rodney You going to the police? Del No, the all-night deli - we're out of eggs. INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY. Slater is at the bar, puffing on a large cigar. He is slightly drunk, an empty bottle and a full glass of champagne in front of him. He burps loudly. A look from Mike. Raquel enters carrying a bag of groceries. She sees Slater and turns quickly to leave, but too late. Slater Rachel! Slater moves across to Raquel. Slater (Cont'd) Sorry, Raquel. Let me get you a drink. Raquel No thanks. I just called in to see if Del was... Slater I insist! Slater sits Raquel at a table and then moves to bar. Slater (Cont'd) Mike, another bottle if you'd be so kind. Mike Is this one on Del's account as well? Slater Oh yes. That's alright with you, innit? Mike Yeah, fine. Del told me anything you want is down to him. I've heard of mates looking after each other, but this is something special. Slater Del is something special, isn't he? D'you know he brought me breakfast in bed this morning. Mike Del? Slater They broke the mould when they made that man. (Referring to Raquel) She seems a nice girl. Mike Raquel? Yeah, she's lovely. She's been married before. Slater Has she? Mike A right git, I heard. Slater Really? Mike Her luck changed when she met Del. He's got his faults, but his heartís in the right place. Don't tell him I said that, will you? Slater takes the bottle and joins Raquel at the table. Raquel What are you playing at, Roy? Why's Del paying for your champagne and bringing you breakfast in bed? Slater He's just standing by an old school friend who's fallen on hard times. Raquel When are you going, Roy? Slater I haven't made up my mind. I'm just waiting for my inheritance to come through. Then I'm thinking of buying a house in this area. We'll be seeing quite a lot of each other in the future. D'you ever think back to our times together? Raquel Some things remind me. Things like repeats of Tenko. Del, carrying a suitcase, and Rodney enter. Slater Del Boy, Rodney. Let me get you a drink. Del Cheers, Roy. Make it a big bottle, won't you? (To Raquel) You alright, sweetheart? Raquel Yeah. I called in to see if you were here. Del Why don't you go and sit in the van? I'm gonna sort this thing out with Slater. It might not be very pretty. Raquel You're not going to hit him over the head with a chair, are you? Del Of course not! Raquel (Disappointed) Oh, well! I'll go and sit in the van then. Raquel exits. Del Enjoying my champagne, Roy? Slater Lovely, Del. Helps me keep a clear head, and, as you know better than most, that's very important. I was gonna take Raquel shopping this morning, but she was still asleep. She always was difficult to wake up. Oops! Me and my... Just shows you how easily these things can slip out... I was thinking about hiring a car for a couple of weeks. That alright with you? Del Why don't we sit down and discuss it, Roy? Slater Of course, lead on. They move to a table where Rodney is seated. Del Before we go any further, Slater, there's something I want to ask you. You knew all along that Raquel was living with me, didn't you? Slater Well, I don't suppose it can do any harm. Yeah, I knew. I went to the town hall and checked her name on the poll-tax register. I had to get my way into your flat to make sure it was the same woman. That's when I come up with the school reunion idea. Slater indicates the bottle of champagne on the counter. Slater (Cont'd) Fetch us that bottle of champagne, Del, there's a good chap. Del's hackles rise at this. Rodney You've got a habit of leaving your things lying around, haven't you, Slater? Del Like the other night when you left your wallet lying on the table. I couldn't help having a little look inside. I read that contract you wanted Raquel to sign. Slater Only protecting me interests, Del. If it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for me. Rodney We also read that little welcome home message from your friendly diamond merchant. Del Now what would happen if we were to take that to the Old Bill? Slater Sweet FA, Derek! You seem to have overlooked some- thing. You may have read my personal paperwork, but that isn't proof! Slater produces his wallet with the paperwork inside. Slater (Cont'd) I've still got exhibit A tucked up safe and sound in my pocket. So get out of that one, Perry. Del This morning, just before I woke you for breakfast, I took your wallet from your coat and had another look at that paperwork. Slater So what? Del brings his suitcase on to the table and opens it. He produces one of the fax machines. Del See that? It's a fax machine. It's exactly the same as the one we've got back at the flat. This is a master- piece of modern technology. You can fax messages all over the world. And you know what else it does? Del points to some small wording on the machine. Del (Cont'd) What does that say? Slater reads the small printing. Slater 'Photocopier'. Slater reacts. Del That's right, Roy me boy, it photocopies things. Pictures, advertising bumf and letters asking what you want done with yer 10 smuggled diamonds! Things like that! Slater (Casual) So you've got a copy! Rodney Not just one. Several. I mean, say we mislaid something as important as that? Be a crime, wouldn't it? Del You said it, bruv. Slater You're forgetting, Derek, I know a lot more about the law than you. I've already stood trial for those diamonds. I've served me sentence. You can't be tried for the same crime twice. Del Rodney mentioned that. So today we went down to the local newspaper offices and read all the reports of your trial. They had all the details. They'd even printed that old school photo with you in the football team. It was a Spot the Git competition. Rodney Now according to the report, you were tried for illegally importing 78 diamonds into the country. It didn't mention anything about 10 missing diamonds. The police don't know nothing about them - yet. Del If one of those copies was to find its way into the hands of your old mates at the Yard it would mean a new trial. Rodney And be honest, Roy... (Chuckles to Del) Be honest! Del and Rodney laugh, Slater laughs with them in a pathetic, pleading way. Rodney You wouldn't stand a chance, would you? Not with your record. It'd be an even longer sentence this time. Six years? Del I'd go for seven. Still, wouldn't worry you, would it, Roy? You like reunions. I bet all the boys in nick'll be glad to see you back. They might throw a little party on the roof for yer. We've faxed you right up, ain't we? Slater Correct me if I'm wrong, but I get the distinct impression you're angling for a deal. Del Spot on! Slater Alright, then. As soon as I've sold the stones, I'll split the money with you. I'll give you ten per cent. Del No. Rodney Nope. Slater Alright. 80-20 in my favour. Del No. Rodney No, sir. Slater Come on!... 70-30? Del We don't want the money, Roy. Rodney We don't want the m... (To Del) We don't want the... Del holds Rodney. Del You can keep all the money to yourself. All I want from you is a promise. You give Raquel her divorce and then you leave her alone - for ever! You get out of the area now! And you keep your big mouth shut. If one person finds out that you were married to Raquel there'll be a letter with a first-class stamp winging it's way to the commissioner of police. Slater And that's it? Thatís the deal? Del That's the deal! Slater Well, those terms seem acceptable to me, Derek. Very acceptable. Don't you worry. I won't say a word. Del And I won't go near any pillar boxes. Slater Well, then! I think we've concluded our business. Del (Calls) Michael, bring us a bottle of your finest champagne - and two glasses. Slater You will excuse me, won't you? I've got a train to catch... Would you do me one favour? When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me? Del is about to jump up from the table but Rodney puts an arm across to stop him. Rodney I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid 'Arsehole!', is it? Del smiles, proud of Rodney. Slater No. It hasn't really got a ring to it, has it? Well, have a nice life, Del Boy. Del Oh I will, Slater, I will! Slater exits. Del and Rodney look at each other. Del We pulled it off, Rodney! What a team! Rodney What a bloody team! Why didn't we take his money? Del Because it's illegal. Rodney Yeah, but... Yeah, s'pose you're right. Del But when he's sold his diamonds, Raquel can divorce him and legally be entitled to 50 per cent of every- thing! Rodney Oh, Derek! I will drink to that! Mike arrives with the champagne and two glasses. Mike (As he pours two glasses) You two celebrating some- thing? Del You could say that, Mike. We've just done the deal of the year! Mike (Spots the fax machine) Here, that reminds me. That fax machine you sold me. The photocopier on it don't work. Del That's funny! It don't on ours either! Del and Rodney collapse in uproarious laughter. Mike looks on incredulously.


                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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