INT. A NIGHTCLUB.
A sign reads "Auditions. Please report to back door".
The owner and manager of the club (both tough-looking
characters of 45) are seated facing the stage, on which
a 20-year-old girl is singing accompanied by the club's
pianist. Seated at the bar are Del, excited and power-
dressed, and Rodney, bored and casually dressed. The
girl is singing 'Feelings'.
Del
(Quietly to
Rodney)
She ain't a lotta cop, is
she?
Rodney
I honestly ain't got a
clue, Del. I don't even
know why you brought me
here.
Del
Well, you're out of work,
Rodney, so what else would
you be doing at 10 o'clock
in the morning? Laying in
your pit playing tent! I
thought you'd like to come
along here and give Raquel
a bit of encouragement.
Rodney
Encouragement? Have you
heard the song she's chosen
for her audition? I mean,
it's ridiculous, stupid!
Del
I chose that song!
Rodney
Did you? Well, that
explains it!
Del
It's a beautiful song.
Rodney
It's hardly appropriate.
Del
Of course it's appropriate.
The old numbers are coming
back.
Owner
(Calls to the
girl singer)
Yes, thank you, love, thank
you. Next.
(Calls)
Raquel Turner.
Raquel enters the stage and smiles nervously to Del and
Rodney. Del smiles proudly. Rodney returns the nervous
smile.
Owner
(To Del)
Are you her agent?
Del
Yes, I am.
He hands the owner an introduction card.
Del
(Cont'd)
Derek Trotter of the Trotter
International Star Agency,
Peckham. 'You want 'em, we
got 'em.' That's our motto.
D'you know Shirley Bassey?
Owner
Well, not personally.
Del
(Winking and
crossing his
fingers)
Like that, like that!
The pianist plays the opening bars to 'Chapel Of Love'.
Raquel
(Sings)
I'm going to the chapel and
I'm gonna get married.
Going to the chapel and I'm
gonna get married.
She now turns slightly and we see she is five months
pregnant.
We see the shocked reactions of the owner. He looks
to Rodney and Del.
Owner
(Calls to Raquel
- loud)
Next!
Del is bemused, Rodney embarrassed.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
Albert is lying asleep in the armchair. There are two
large cardboard boxes, one on top of the other. Large
printing on the box reads 'Futafax. The fax machine of
tomorrow - today'. Stenciled across the boxes is the
word 'reject'. Beneath this is a white square of glued
-on paper upon which is printed 'Lot 41'. On the bar
is one of the fax machines. The machine begins
printing out a message with much flashing of red and
green lights and overloud printing sound. It prints
out a short message. Now all the lights go out,
accompanied by an electronic beep which slowly dies.
The front door opens.
Albert immediately wakes up, is out of the chair and
running a carpet sweeper over the rug. Rodney and
Raquel enter from the hall.
Rodney
Alright, Unc?
Albert
Phew, I haven't stopped
since you went out. How'd
the audition go?
Raquel
Don't ask! Just don't ask!
He got me up on the stage
and got me singing "I'm
going to the chapel and
I'm going to get married".
Look at me!
Del enters.
Del
I think it was your choice
of song, Raquel. Next time
we'll choose something
more modern. Maybe a
Madonna number.
Raquel
How about Like A Virgin?
Del
Yeah, something like that!
... Here, you shouldn't be
standing up too long in
your condition. Come and
sit down. Try this one,
it's nice and warm.
Del looks at Albert. Albert grins nervously.
Raquel
I was gonna make some tea.
Del
Don't worry about that.
I'll make a pot of tea.
Rodney, make a pot of tea.
Rodney
How come I've gotta do it?
Del
Because Raquel's pregnant
and your Uncle's knackered!
Rodney
Yes, and I'm supposed to be
out of work!
Albert
But it's not compulsory,
Rodney. The government do
allow you to make a pot of
tea.
Rodney
What I'm saying, Unc, is,
what about Brian Epstein
there?
Del
I've got all my correspond-
ence to catch up with.
Rodney
What, one letter! And
that's for Raquel!
Raquel
I'll make the tea.
Raquel exits to the kitchen.
Del
It's alright for some
little dipstick who's got
nothing better to do than
jolly it up down the pub
every night and crawl out
of bed when he hears the
theme tune to Home And
Away! But me, I'm a
trailblazer, a captain of
industry. I'm dealing with
clients who run
organizations that are
household names.
Rodney
Yeah, like Parkhurst!
Del
None of my mates are in
Parkhurst, Rodney!
Rodney
A captain of industry! More
like a bloody stowaway! You
get off on this yuppy
image, don't yer? I mean,
what's the latest brain-
wave? Fax machines.
Albert
They're handy things to
have, Rodney!
Rodney
For normal people, yes! But
he doesn't know anyone
who's got another fax
machine! That's why, in the
two months he's been wired
up to the worldwide digital
miracle, he ain't had one
message!
(Looks at machine
and reacts)
You've got a message on
your fax machine, Del.
Del
Ah! How's it feel to be a
plonker, Rodney? This
could have come from
anywhere! New York, Rome,
Toronto!
(Reads message)
It's from Mike at the
Nag's Head. See, he had
the foresight to buy one
of my machines and he's
double-glad he did!
(Reading more of
the message)
Cor, he's a moaner, ain't
he? 'Machine not working
pro...' What's he want for
45 quid? What about this,
then? I've only been
invited to a school
reunion.
Albert
You're kidding.
Del
No, straight up. It's the
pupils of class 4C who left
the Martin Luther King
Comprehensive in 1962.
(To Albert)
That used to be the old
Dockside secondary modern.
That's a turn up for the
book, innit? I'm gonna see
all my old mates.
Rodney
D'you suffer with seasick-
ness?
Del
No, why?
Rodney
It can get choppy on that
Isle of Wight ferry.
Del
This is the last time I
tell you, Rodney, my mates
are not in bloody
Parkhurst! Anyway, the
reunion's tonight at the
Nag's Head.
(Calls)
Here, Raquel, you'll never
guess!
Del exits to the kitchen.
Raquel is rereading the letter and looking deeply worried.
Del enters.
Del
My old school are only
having a reunion tonight at
the Nag's Head. What's up?
Raquel
Nothing.
Del
There's something bothering
you, ain't there? I can
tell. Is it the audition?
'Cos that geezer was well
out of...
Raquel
(Cutting in)
No! Nothing to do with
that. It's this letter.
It's from my solicitors.
They've managed to trace my
husband and told him that
I've started divorce
proceedings.
Del
Good... And what's he say
about it?
Raquel
His solicitors said that he
is considering his
response.
Del
There's nothing he can do
about it, sweetheart. I
mean, you broke up with him
eight years ago. In all
that time have you ever
seen him or heard from
him?
Raquel
No, nothing. But you don't
know him like I do! He can
be horrible when he wants
to be! I wish you'd never
suggested starting divorce
proceedings.
Del
Look, don't worry about
your old man, Raquel. He
can't hurt you, darling. He
don't even know where you
live. And even if he did,
he's gonna have to get past
me first. So let's just
leave it to the solicitors,
eh? Let them... solicit. I
want our relationship to
be pukka - married and all
the exes.
(Indicating her
lump)
I know that little faceache
in there weren't planned,
but, well, he's here now.
Raquel
Or her.
Del
Or her. And if I was any
more happy about it I'd be
dangerous. You and him...
Raquel
(Cutting in)
Or...
Del
(Cutting in)
... her - you're the best
thing that's happened to me
since... well, since me mum
died.
Raquel ponders this compliment.
Del
D'you understand what I'm
saying?
Raquel
Well... I think so.
Del
So stop worrying, eh?
Promise?
Raquel
Alright, Del, you know best.
Del
Good girl. You know it makes
sense.
He kisses her gently.
Del
(Cont'd)
You know I'd do anything
for you - anything.
Raquel
Alright. Promise me you
won't get drunk with your
mates tonight.
Del
On your bike.
ROOM ABOVE THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
Food and drinks are laid out on a table. Del and Denzil
are seated and looking bored and uncomfortable. Boycie
is pacing and checking his watch. Rodney is seated in
the corner sipping a beer and smoking a roll-up.
Boycie
This is bloody ridiculous.
The reunion was supposed to
start at 7.30 and look,
it's almost 8.10.
Denzil
Who's organised all this?
Mike enters carrying more food.
Mike
Ain't he here yet?
Denzil
Who?
Mike
Your host. The bloke who
paid for all this. He said
he'd arrive late. He wants
to make a bit of an
entrance - surprise you
all.
Del
Come on, Michael, who is
it? You can tell us.
Mike
I don't know, Del. He just
came in yesterday and said
he wanted to book a room
for a school reunion. That
reminds me, I wanna have a
word with you about that
bloody fax machine you
sold me!
Del
Yes, yes, Michael! I'm
rather busy at the moment.
I'll fax you about it
during the week.
Boycie
(To Mike)
So what was this bloke's
name?
Mike
I didn't catch it.
Denzil
But didn't you write his
name on the receipt and in
your accounts?
Mike
Er, no, I forgot.
Boycie
In other words, he paid in
cash?
Mike
Yeah.
Denzil
What's he look like? Was he
tall?
Mike
Yeah, tallish.
Del
Did he have a scar running
sown from the bridge of his
nose to his mouth?
Mike
Not that I noticed.
Del
It's not our old headmaster,
then.
Denzil
How can it be our old head-
master? The doctors said
he'd never be allowed back
into society.
The door slowly opens. They all look towards it with
apprehension.
Trigger enters.
Del/Boycie/Denzil
Trigger!
Trigger
Alright?
Del
Wait a minute. Maybe
Trigger organised this!
Boycie
Oh turn it up, Del Boy.
Trigger couldn't organise a
prayer in a mosque.
Trigger
I got lost on me way here.
Denzil
How could you get lost?
You've been coming in this
pub since you were 16!
Trigger
No, I found the pub
alright. I meant I couldn't
find this room.
(To Mike)
I've been in your dance
hall for the last hour.
Mike
But all the lights are out!
Trigger
I know.
Boycie
You've been standing in the
dark for an hour?
Trigger
Yeah! I thought we were all
gonna jump out and surprise
someone.
Mike
But there was no one else
in there.
Trigger
But I didn't know that, did
I? The lights were out! How
you going, Dave?
Rodney
Alright, Trig.
Mike
Well, I'll send your man up
as soon as he arrives. In
the meantime, enjoy your-
selves.
Mike exits.
Rodney
This is a bit of a mystery,
isn't it? It's like
something out of an Agetha
Christie film.
Del/Boycie/Denzil
(Beginning to
worry)
Yeah!
Trigger
I used to fancy her.
Rodney
I mean, think about it.
Someone has arranged for
you four to be in the same
room at the same time...
(To Trigger)
You used to fancy Agatha
Christie?
Trigger
Yeah. I had a picture of
her on my bedroom wall.
Denzil
But she was an old lady.
All English country gardens
and granny hats.
Del
That's right. She looked
like Mr Kipling's bit on
the side.
Trigger
Well, I fancied her. I saw
her in that film, Doctor
Zhivago.
Boycie
That's Julie Christie, you
berk!
Trigger
Yeah, well, whatever, I
liked her.
Rodney tries to brighten them up.
Rodney
As I was saying. On a cold,
rainy night in Peckham,
someone has arranged for
you four to be here in this
room - together. No one
knows who. And the most
frightening aspect of the
whole mystery - no one
knows why! Now, think hard.
Who would do something like
that?
The four look at each other.
Trigger
Jeremy Beadle?
Boycie
Jeremy bloody Beadle!
Rodney
Don't be stupid!
Del
Don't try and frighten us,
Rodney, 'cos it won't
work!
Denzil
Well, I'm gonna shoot off
now!
Rodney starts laughing at Denzil's fear.
Del is hiding his fear and trying to maintain safety in
numbers.
Del
You can't go, Denzil!
Denzil
I wasn't at your school for
long! Me mum and dad didn't
even come down to London
'til I was 13.! I don't
feel I really qualify as
one of the old school boys!
Boycie
Did you get an invitation?
Denzil
Yeah.
Boycie
Then you're stopping!
Denzil
It's just that I've got a
thought going round my
head.
Boycie
Well, lend it to Trigger.
Denzil
Say - just say - our old
headmaster... has escaped!
This strikes fear into Del, Boycie and Rodney.
Rodney
Look, I'm just gonna see
how Albert is.
Del
You stay right where you
are! Strength in numbers,
that's my motto!
Other than Rodney, they all have there backs to the door.
We see the door open slightly and a man's hand enters
and switches the lights off.
Denzil
Oh, bloody hell!
Boycie
What's happening?
Del
Alright, alright, take it
easy!
Rodney
Switch the lights on, Del.
Del
Shuddup.
The door slowly opens. Silhouetted against the bright
lights from the hallway is the tall figure of a man
wearing a long black overcoat.
Denzil
It's our headmaster! It's
bend-over Benson!
Del
Well, if it is he's grown
another ear form somewhere.
The man steps forward into the room and switches the
lights back on.
We see it is Slater.
This is the new, born-again-Christian Slater. He is
decent and repentant.
Slater
(Big friendly
grin)
Surprise, surprise!
We see the horrified reactions of the guys.
Del/Boycie
Slater!
Slater
I had you going, didn't I?
Be honest, I had you this
time! Of all your old
classmates you never
guessed Roy Slater would
be here!
Del
What the hell are you
doing back, Slater?
Slater
Oh come on, Del Boy. I've
gone to a lot of trouble
here.
Boycie
You mean you organised this
reunion?
Slater
Yeah. I was in town and I
thought it'd be a very
nice way to catch up with
me old mates. Here
Marlene's had a nipper!
Boycie
(Immediately
defensive)
What about it?
Slater
Well, nothing. Just con-
gratulations. I know you
and her have been dreaming
of having a baby for
years. It's... it's nice.
And, Rodney.
Rodney
(Amazed)
What?
Slater
You've got married!
Rodney
I know!
Slater
Look, you don't have to be
on the defensive with me,
son. I'm pleased for you.
Rodney
Yeah, well the marriage
hasn't really worked.
Del
(Cutting in)
Don't tell him! He'll find
a way of using it against
yer!
Slater
Look, Del, I haven't come
here to upset things! It's
just a little get-together,
that's all. Can't we at
least be friendly?
Del
Friendly? With a snide like
you! I wish it had been our
old headmaster now!
Denzil
I wish it had been Jeremy
Beadle!
Boycie
I thought you were in
Parkhurst!
Slater
I got paroled six months
ago.
Trigger
You back in the police
force now, Roy?
Slater
No, Trig. They wouldn't
have me back. Not since I
was found guilty of diamond
smuggling and given a five-
year prison sentence. The
police are funny about
things like that. I've been
living in Colchester,
working for an undertaker -
hence the coat. By the
looks on your faces, I wish
I'd brought my tape measure.
Fancy a drink?
Boycie
No thanks, Roy. I've got a
prior engagement with the
downstairs toilet.
Del
(Referring to
Slater)
Save yourself a journey.
The biggest karsy's up
here!
Rodney
Yeah, I've gotta be off
as well, chief inspector.
My uncle promised to tell
me all about the war.
Slater
Wait a minute! Let's get
a few things straight.
I'm not a chief inspector
any more. I'm just an
ordinary bloke. I can't
do you any harm and I
don't mean you any harm.
I know you'll laugh,
but... I've changed.
The others laugh derisively.
Slater
A man doesn't go to this
expense without good
reason. I know this may
sound ridiculous - but,
if it were possible, I'd
like to wipe the slate
clean.
Del
Wipe the slate clean! After
what you've done to us in
the past? At some time or
another you fitted us all
up on some Mickey Mouse
charge!
Slater
I know, Del, I know! That's
why I kept my guest list to
just you lot. You're the
ones who deserve my biggest
apologies. I wish I could
turn the clock back.
Del
So do I! To about half-past
six this evening, then I'd
have stayed in and watched
the telly! You nicked me,
Denzil and Boycie once for
possession of stolen
property.
Boycie
Yeah, and we'd bought it
off you!
Slater
I know. And... I'm sorry.
Boycie
Sorry!
Denzil
With the greatest respect,
ex-chief inspector, stuff
your apologies.
Rodney
I remember when you follow-
ed me in the van and nicked
me for doing 70 miles an
hour in a built-up area. It
was just my word against
yours and guess who the
magistrates believed! I
mean, that van wouldn't
reach 70 if you pushed it
off a cliff!
Del reacts to this insult to his beloved van.
Slater
Rodney, I'm sorry.
Rodney
Yeah, well, shove it,
Slater, shove it!
Denzil
What about the time you
planted 3,000 Green Shield
stamps on Trigger and he
went away for 18 months in
a young offenders' home?
Slater
I'm sorry, Trig.
Trigger
Oh that's alright, Roy.
I always wanted to be mates
with you lot but you, sort
of, spurned me. I wanted to
hurt you for not liking me.
If you can't join 'em,
beat 'em, that was my
attitude. So the police
force became my god. But in
the end even my own
colleagues got sick of me
and my - ambitions! I knew
my days were numbered. I
began to panic. I felt as
if the whole thing was
coming to a premature
conclusion. No pun
intended, Boycie.
Boycie at first nods understandingly, then reacts.
Slater
(Cont'd)
I was worried about my
future - financial security,
that sort of thing. So I
turned to crime. I got
myself involved in that
diamond smuggling caper,
and - as I of all people
should have known - I got
collared. I had three and a
half years in a 10ft by 6ft
prison cell to work out
where I'd gone wrong in
life! While I was in prison
I found Jesus.
Del
What, they fitted him up
too?
Slater
Well, to be more precise,
Jesus found me. It was
about that time I got a
message to say my old man
had passed away.
Del
Yeah, I know, Roy. I went
to his funeral.
Slater
Thanks, Del. I wish I could
have gone.
Trigger
Why didn't you?
Denzil
He most probably didn't
have a black suit and a
bloody big ladder on him!
He was in nick, Trig!
Trigger
No, I thought they let you
out for acts of God like
funerals and weddings.
Slater
I applied for temporary
compassionate release. Then
my mum wrote to the
governor.
Denzil
And he wouldn't let you
out?
Slater
Not after what that old cow
put in her letter! You see,
even my own mother's
against me! Pathetic,
innit? My own... perhaps
this reunion weren't such a
good idea after all. You
look a bit embarrassed. Go
on, you shoot off. I'll
hang around. I've gotta
sort the money out with the
guv'nor.
The good guys now look at each other, struggling with
their common sense and common decency.
Del
Go on then, Sla... Roy.
I'll have a drink with you
before I go.
Slater
(Moved by Del's
magnanimity)
Thank you, Derek. What
about you other fellers?
Will you break bread with
me?
Rodney
I'd prefer a Southern
Comfort.
Denzil
Have you two gone mad?
Del
What harm can he do? He's
an undertaker's tea-boy!
Denzil
Yeah, he's still putting
bodies away!
Boycie
You don't honestly believe
he's changed, do you?
Rodney
Personally, I'm not sure.
But I'll always give some-
one the chance to prove
it.
Rodney now gives a show of unity for Slater.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Make that a double, Roy.
Denzil
Alright, I'll have a
lager... Trigger?
Trigger
Yeah, I'll have a beer.
Boycie
(To Trigger)
How can you drink with
Slater? That's the man who
stitched you up with them
knocked-off Green Shield
stamps and sent you away
for 18 months!
Trigger
I know. But when I come out
I got an electric blanket
and a radio with 'em.
Trigger winks.
Del
(To Boycie)
A cognac?
Boycie
(Nods)
And quick!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Old photographs are scattered over the floor and
sticking out of ancient shoeboxes and albums which lie
among the empty beer cans.
Bowls of peanuts, half-eaten pizzas and overflowing ash-
trays. Del, Rodney, Boycie, Denzil, Trigger and Slater
have all had too much to drink. Albert, in his pyjamas
and dressing gown, is trying to catch them up. Boycie is
speaking to Marlene on his mobile phone. In the
background the others are laughing at the old photos.
Boycie
(On phone)
It's simple, Marlene. You
can pick me up when you
drop Raquel back here. No,
I am not drunk! None of us
are drunk!
Rodney
(Calls)
Del is!
Del
Shuddup, Rodney!
Rodney
(To Del)
You promised your loved one
you wouldn't get drunk!
Albert
Why do women always say
'Don't get drunk'?
Denzil
It's their nature. My
Corinne was always saying
that - before she left me.
Rodney
Yeah, and my Cassandra.
Albert
My Ada was the same.
Trigger
And they wonder why their
marriages break up.
Slater
Take my advice. The only
sure way to avoid a broken
marriage is don't turn up
for the wedding!
They all laugh.
Boycie
(Hand over the
mouthpiece)
Keep the noise down, will
yer. The women might hear!
We don't want them
thinking we're enjoying
ourselves!
(On phone)
Yes, I've had a couple of
drinks. It's a school
reunion, innit? Alright,
I'll se you in a minute.
Boycie switches the phone off.
Rodney
Who's for another drink?
Boycie
Not for me. I'll get me coat
on. Marlene'll be here in a
minute.
Slater
It's funny, but I've looked
at all these photos of the
boys, my old mates,
enjoying themselves at
various stages of their
lives... and I'm not in one
of them.
Denzil
Well, you were busy, Roy.
(One photo)
I mean, when we took this
one you were at police
training college.
Del
(Another photo)
And when that one was
taken you was in nick.
Albert
I suppose it was tough for
you inside, eh? Specially
when they found out you
were an ex-copper.
Slater
You don't know the half of
it. It was a nightmare.
Every mealtime they lined
up against the wall as I
passed. 'Snide, snide!'
They'd whisper. 'We're
gonna get you snide. How
your wife can sow, Slater.'
Boycie
Didn't the warders do
nothing?
Slater
That was the warders! The
convicts really had it in
for me - 24 hours a day
you're watching your back
- specially in the shower
room!
Del
Yeah, I've heard there's
a few bandidos in there.
Slater
Oh yeah! It's no wonder
Oscar Wilde wrote a poem
about it! You'd be amazed
what they'd sell for a
king-size fag and a box of
matches. Fortunately they
didn't give me any
problems. I mean, these
days even the poofs don't
fancy me.
They all laugh.
Del
Here's a photo with you in
it, Roy. Look, it's the old
school football team.
Boycie
Look at that! How old were
we? 14?... There's little
Del Boy with his Roger
Daltry haircut!
Del
I was your midfield dynamo.
I used to play like Paul
Gascoigne. There's Boycie
- he used to play like
Bamber Gascoigne!
Trigger
There's that Italian kid.
Good player. What was his
name?
A car horn is heard beeping outside.
Boycie
That'll be Marlene.
Trigger
Could you drop us off home,
Boyce?
Denzil
Yeah, and me.
Boycie
This is not a bleedin'
minicab service! Come on,
then!
Trigger
See yer then, Roy.
Boycie
Yeah, see you Sla... Roy.
Slater
We'll have a pint in the
week, eh?
Boycie
Well, er... we'll be in the
pub sometime or another.
Slater
It's a date, then.
Del
I'll get you a copy made of
this, Roy. This is most
probably the last time you
was with all your mates.
Look at us. We had Denzil
in goal. We had Monkey
Harris at right back.
There's a feeling about
this photo. We had...
camaraderie.
Trigger
Was that the Italian boy?
Del
Yeah, that was him, Trig!
Boycie
Come on, Trigger!
Denzil, Boycie and Trigger exit.
Del
Do you want another one,
Rodders?
Rodney
Why not?
Del
Roy?
They turn to see Slater fast asleep on the settee.
Del
I don't believe it. The
Prodigal Plonker's gone to
kip!
Rodney
How we gonna get him home?
Albert
Where's he staying?
Del Some bed and breakfast,
he didn't say where. Better
let him sleep it off 'til
morning.
Albert
That's not a bad idea. I'm
gonna climb in.
Albert exits to bedroom.
Del
You know, if someone had
said to me that one day I'd
be having a drink and a
laugh with Roy Slater, I'd
have said they were off
there bloody heads.
Rodney
I suppose he's not such a
bad bloke after all.
Del
No. Take away the uniform
and the badges and he's
just as scared as the rest
of us. I'll get some ice.
Del exits to the kitchen.
Rodney sits back in the chair and looks at the soccer
photo. He smiles and slowly his eyes close. His head
rests on the back of the chair and he drift into
sleep. Slater snores loudly. There are crisps, nuts,
pizzas, glasses, photos, beer cans and bodies. The
front door closes and Raquel enters from the hall. At
first she doesn't notice Slater on the settee. She
reacts horrified to the state of the room.
Raquel
I don't belie... Rodney,
where's...
She now jumps back as Slater lets out a particularly
loud snore. Raquel is horrified to find the body on the
sofa.
She hears ice cubes clinking into glasses in the kitchen.
Del is singing as Raquel enters the kitchen.
Del reacts to the look on Raquel's face.
Del
I'm not drunk!
Raquel
Where's he come from?
Del
Who? Oh Roy? From the pub.
I said come back for a
drink.
Raquel
You rotten sod! All the
promises you made me!
Del
Oh sweetheart! You didn't
believe that tuff about
two halves of shandy and
midnight Mass did you?
Raquel
(Almost in tears)
You're like all the others!
Your promises mean nothing!
Bloody nothing!
Del
Look, you shouldn't get
excited in your condition.
It's bad for the baby!
Have a drink.
Raquel
I don't wanna drink! I
thought I could trust you,
Derek! I believed your
promises - all of them!
'Your husband can't get
near you, Raquel. He'll
have to get past me first!'
Del
Well, that's right.
Raquel
Really? Well, what's he
doing lying asleep on our
sofa?
Del
(Wearing a silly
grin)
What you on about?
Raquel
My ex-husband is asleep
on our sofa!
Del
No! That's Slater!
Raquel
I know his name, Del! I
was married to him for four
years!
The truth - and the full horror of that truth - hits Del.
Del
Slater? You were married to
Slater?
Raquel
Yes!
Del
No! Not... Slater!
Raquel
I wish I hadn't burnt my
wedding photos, then maybe
you'd believe me!
Del
Slater? But he's... Slater!
Raquel
I know! Slater was my
married name!
Del
But... Slater!
Raquel
I told you my husband was
a policeman.
Del
Yes, but his name was
Inspector Slater. Your
name's Raquel Turner! Why
didn't you tell me what
your married name was?
Raquel
Because every time I
mentioned my marriage you
said let's change the
subject! Have you said
anything to him?
Del
No, he doesn't know any-
thing. Are you sure you
were married to him?
Raquel
Of course I'm bloody sure!
Del
Alright, alright! Look, you
stay out here in the
kitchen. I'll get rid of him.
Cut to lounge as Del enters from the kitchen. Slater is
fast asleep and snoring. Del shakes Rodney.
Del
(Quietly)
Rodney! Rodders! Wake up
you dipstick!
Rodney
What is it?
Del
Slater is Raquel's husband.
Rodney stares at him a while then smiles.
Del
This ain't a joke, Rodney!
Raquel was married to
Slater!
Rodney
No!
Del
It's true, Rodders. I
wouldn't lie about some-
thing like this!
Rodney
Does Slater know?
Del
'Course he knows. He was at
the wedding!
Rodney
I mean, does he know about
you and Raquel?
Del
Oh I see. No, he don't know
nothing. I've gotta get rid
of him somehow.
Del shakes Slater.
Del
(At first an angry
tone)
Slater!
(Now more friendly
tone)
Roy.
Slater
Oh, Gawd! What's the time,
Del?
Del
Time you was off home. I'll
get your coat.
Slater
Yeah, you're right...
(Indicates kitchen)
D'you mind if I get a glass
of water?
Del
No, no! There's some trendy
water here. Tell me some-
thing, Slat... Roy. Did you
come back to Peckham just
to organise a school
reunion?
Slater
Well, not just for that.
My wife's solicitors wrote
to me to say she wants a
divorce. So I had to come
back to sort a few things
out with her. I'm gonna
phone her brief and see if
I can make a meeting with
her.
Rodney
So you don't actually know
where she's living?
Slater
No. But her solicitors are
local so she must be
around here somewhere,
mustn't she?
Del
(Glancing towards
kitchen)
Yeah!
Slater
So I thought while I was
here I'd look all me old
mates up. And I'm glad I
did, Del. It's done me the
world of good, meeting you
again and finding that
you're willing to forgive
and forget... It might
sound a bit poetic or
sentimental, but the cup
of human kindness really
does runneth o...
(Indicates photograph)
That's my wife!
Del
Eh?
Slater
That picture there! That's
my Rachel!
Del
No, no, it can't be, Roy.
It say's here her name's
Raquel.
Slater
Yeah, that was her stage
name. She used to do a bit
of singing and acting.
What's a picture of my
wife doing in your flat?
Del
Well... it's er... What's
that picture doing in
here, Rodney?
Rodney
I don't know!
Albert enters from his bedroom wearing pyjamas and
dressing gown.
Albert
Can't you lot get to bed?
I'm tryna get some sleep
in there! Is Raquel in
yet?
Slater
Raquel! You mean she lives
here?
Del
Well, it's difficult to
explain, Roy.
Raquel enters from the kitchen.
Raquel
Yes, I live here. Hello,
Roy.
Slater
Rachel!
Albert looks behind Raquel to see who the hell Rachel is.
Albert
(To Del)
Who's Rachel??
Slater
I'm sorry. I just don't
understand what's happening!
I came back ere and... Oh
now I see it! You're
cohabiting, aren't you?
Raquel
If that's the way you want
to put it, yes!
Slater
(Gestures to the
three Trotters)
Well, which one?
Del
You saucy git, Slater! What
d'you mean, which one?
Slater
(To Raquel
incredulous and
horrified)
Del?
Raquel
Yes, Del!
Albert
(To Rodney)
Who's Rachel?
Rodney
Shuddup!
Slater
(To Del)
So what's the full SP,
Derek?? Is she just another
sort you've trawled in your
net? Another notch on the
bedstead? Or are you two
close?
Slater reacts to Raquel's lump. He looks round the side
of it.
Slater
Where'd you get that from?
You're pregnant!
Raquel
Oh that's what it is! We've
been wondering about this,
haven't we Del?
Del
Look, Roy. You and Raquel
broke up over eight years
ago! She's a free woman!
Slater produces a wallet, inside which are three pieces
of paper. He removes one piece and then throws the
wallet on the coffee table.
Slater
Not according to this
letter from Rachel's
solicitors! According to
them I'm still her
husband and she's still
my wife!
Albert
He's Raquel's husband?
Rodney
Yes! Now I'd stay out of
it if I was you, Unc!
Albert
You know me, son. I'm
saying nothing!
(To Slater)
Where'd you think she's
been for the last eight
years, in a convent?
Rodney
I just don't believe him!
Slater
No, I figured she'd have a
bloke in tow and I guessed
it wouldn't be Cliff
Richard! You always liked
to live a bit, didn’t you,
darling?
Del
One more word, Slater, and
I'll take you out on the
balcony and see if the EEC
have changed the laws on
gravity!
Slater
How'd you expect me to
feel? This woman who I
loved...
Raquel
Oh shuddup, Roy, you're
making me feel sick!
Slater
This woman - my lawful
wedded wife has been
fertilised by a Trotter!
You had the whole world
to choose from, Rachel.
You could have had Saddam
Hussein or Pol Pot or a
Siberian pimp with
gingivitis and a wart on
his nose! But you decided
to go down-market!
Del
Right, that's it. Get yer
coat, you're out.
Rodney
Alright, calm down, Derek!
Del
Well, he's starting to
annoy me, Rodney!
Albert
(To Slater)
Why did you come back,
son?
Slater
To see me friends, to see
my family and, most
important of all, to see
my wife... I'm about to
receive a little inherit-
ance soon. It's a nice
few grand and - I know
this may sound ridiculous
now - but I was hoping
that maybe you and me
could... try again. A
fresh start.
Del
Why don't you naff off out
of it, Slater?
Slater
Oh don't worry, Derek. I
couldn't take it back now,
not in that condition.
Raquel
(Blows her top)
I'm getting out of here
before I tear his eyes out!
Del
You're exciting her, Slater!
Slater
Yeah, I always could,
couldn't I love?
Del
That's it!
Rodney puts his hands over his eyes and turns his head
away as Del moves to kill Slater. With a supreme
effort, Raquel holds Del back.
Raquel
You'd better shut up, Roy,
or I swear I'll set him on
you! Calm down, Derek,
please.
Del
Yeah, I'm alright, I'm
alright! Go on, you go to
bed, sweetheart. I'll see
you in a minute.
With a last hateful glare at Slater, Raquel exits to the
bedroom.
There is now a potentially explosive pause.
Albert
(To Rodney)
Who's Rachel?
Del/Rodney
Shuddup, Albert!
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Two hours later. The room is in darkness. Rodney is
lying on the settee with just a blanket over him. He
angrily punches the cushion, which is acting as a pillow,
and tries to go to sleep.
The door from the bedroom area opens and Del, wearing
pyjamas and dressing gown, enters and switches the lights
on. Rodney shields his eyes from the sudden onslaught of
light.
Del
You awake, Rodney?
Rodney
(Angrily)
Well, even if I weren't, I
bloody would be now!
Del
What's up with you?
Rodney
What's up with me? You
gave Slater my bed!
Del
I had no choice, Rodders.
Slater's hotel would have
been locked for the night.
I had to let him kip here.
Rodney
What d'you mean, you had
to?
Del
Have a bit of compassion,
Rodney! Can't you see the
predicament I'm in?
Rodney
No, I can't! All I've seen
is that snidey bark Slater
lying in my bed and me
scrunched up on the chaise
-longue again! I'm going
to sleep!
Del
Don't go to sleep, Rodney.
I wanna talk.
Rodney
What about?
Del
What d'you mean, what
about? About recent
events! Like Slater and
Raquel and me and my
little baby!
Rodney
Oh that.
Del
If people were to find out
that Slater was Raquel's
husband it'd be the end
of me and Trotters
Independent Traders. No
one would ever trust me!
Rodney
But no one... Why?
Del
How d'you think my business
associates and clients
would feel knowing that I
was going caseo with the
ex-wife of an ex-copper?
And not any ex-copper!
Slater the slag! He's hated
and loathed throughout the
parish! If they were to
find out that him and
Raquel had lived together
and sle... sle...
Rodney
Slept?
Del
Oh go to sleep, Rodney!
Rodney
Sorry.
Del
I'd be a laughing stock! My
image would be ruined.
Rodney
Nobody's gonna think like
that, Del.
Del
Oh yes they would, Rodney!
For someone like Boycie
it'd be better than winning
the pools.
Albert enters from the bedroom.
Albert
I could hear talking.
Rodney
It might have been us.
Albert
Can't you sleep either?
I've been lying in there
for hours worrying about
this situation. If people
find out that Raquel was
married to Slater you'd be
finished.
Del
I know that, Unc! I can
hear it now. They'd be say-
ing things behind me back.
'Orrible things. Slater's
reject... things like that.
Albert
Have you spoken with Raquel
about it?
Del is close to the large box of max machines with the
word 'reject' clearly in view.
Del
Well, of course I haven't!
It's not that poor mare's
fault. I've gotta protect
her from the gossip. I've
gotta protect myself as
well. I'm a proud man. I
don't want people thinking
I mess with rejects!
That's why I offered
Slater your bed, Rodney.
I'm trying to keep him
sweet. I don't want him
opening his big mouth in
the pub or the market.
He's got a hold over me.
One word from him and I'm
finished.
Rodney
But he doesn't know that!
He doesn’t realise that
he is universally hated
and despised and if
people were to discover
the truth you'd be
ruined.
Albert
Rodney's got a point, Del.
What he's saying is: don't
let Slater walk all over
you. If you do he might
become suspicious and
start wondering why.
Del
Yeah... I reckon you could
be right.
Slater enters from the bedroom. He is wearing his suit
trousers and a vest and carrying an empty glass.
Slater
Sorry to interrupt. I've
got a terrible thirst.
Slater pours some mineral water into his glass.
Slater
(Cont'd)
Couldn't you sleep, Del?
Del
No. In fact I was gonna
bring you an early break-
fast in bed, Slater.
Slater
Oh that's nice of you.
Del
Then I was gonna drag you
by the scruff of the neck
and chuck you out the
bloody door!
Rodney and Albert nod reassuringly to Del in a 'we're
with you' manner.
Slater
Is that right? I couldn't
sleep either - worrying
about you. What the local
reaction would be if they
were to find out the
truth. I don't think
anyone would ever trust you
again knowing you were
living with the wife of an
ex-copper. And not any
ex-copper! Slater, who is
universally hated and
despised! I think it'd be
the end of you.
Del looks to Rodney and Albert, who lower their eyes
in a 'you're on your own' manner.
Slater
Now I'd hate to see that
happen, especially to a
good mate like you.
Because, despite the fact
that you have taken my
wife, the one woman I
ever really loved, and
tubbed her, I don't hold
it against you. So, I
made a promise to myself
and I'm making the same
promise to you. I'm gonna
keep my mouth shut.
Del
Right... Well, you know it
makes sense. Thanks, Roy.
Slater
I just hope and pray I
don't have too many beers
down the Nag's Head and go
and let it slip. Beer
always goes straight to my
head. Now, champagne -
champagne's different. I
know exactly what I'm
saying when I'm drinking
champagne. But until my
inheritance comes through I
can't afford those sort of
luxuries. It's a poser,
innit, Del?
Del picks up a wallet and produces a couple of tenners.
Del
Here you are, Roy. Buy your-
self a couple of bottles on
me.
Slater
Are you sure, Del? Well,
that's very nice of you. I
really am quite moved.
(Snatching the
money)
Thanks. I'll see you all in
the morning. I'm not sure
how long I'll be staying -
but that's not a problem,
is it?
Del
No, no! You're very welcome,
Roy.
Slater
Thanks Del.
Slater exits to the bedroom.
Albert
What you gonna do, son?
He's got you by the...
well, like that.
Albert screws his fist into a ball.
Del
I don't know what I'm gonna
do! I feel like I'm in a
state of shock.
Rodney
State of shock! Just be
like getting hit by a John
Barnes free kick!
Del
Yeah, they're short and
curly, ain't they? Gawd
knows how much it's gonna
cost to keep him quiet.
I've given him 40 quid
already and it's only the
first evening.
Albert
You might have given him
four tenner, but this is
Slater's wallet!
Albert laughs.
Del
No! It is an' all. Well,
that's cheered me up a
little bit.
Rodney examines the content of the wallet.
Rodney
What's all this? And
there's some sort of
contract from his solicitor
... to Raquel! 'I, Rachel
Slater (née Turner),
hereby waive all my legal
rights and entitlements to
my husband's present and
future estates.' It's one
of them things film stars
get their future wives to
sign - a pre nuptial
agreement - well, in this
case a post-nuptial
agreement.
Del
So that's what he really
came here for, to get
Raquel to waive all her
rights to his money!
Albert
But what money is he talk-
ing about? I thought he
was skint.
Rodney
Yeah, but he's got some
kind of inheritance
coming up. I suppose it's
what his dad left him.
Del
(Reading the third
paper)
No, his dad wouldn't have
left him anything. He
hated Slater more than us.
Listen to this, "Dear Mr
Slater, bla, bla, bla. I
would take this opper-
tunity to bring to your
notice the record-
breaking high which
exists on today's
international diamond
market. I would strongly
advise your consideration
to selling the 10 items
you deposited with my
firm some years ago. I
await your instructions,
yours faithfully, bla,
bla, bla." This is from a
Bond Street diamond
merchant.
Albert
So what are those 10 items?
Rodney
Well, they're hot-cross
buns, aren't they! What
d'you think they are?
They're diamonds!
Del
This is his inheritance!
10 little sparklers that
Slater pugged away after
the smuggling racket went
up the picture.
Del folds the papers up and places them back in the wallet.
Rodney
You've got him, Del! This
is concrete evidence!
Del
I know, Rodders. But let's
not rush things. We've
gotta think about the best
way to handle this.
Slater enters from the bedroom and takes the wallet
which Del is holding.
Slater
Oh you found it, Del. I've
been looking everywhere
for that. That breakfast
in bed you mentioned. A
couple of boiled eggs'd be
nice about 9.30.
Del
Yeah, cushty, Roy.
Slater exits to the bedroom.
Albert
You handled that well, son.
Del
How was I to know he'd come
bursting in and nick the
evidence? I'm gonna get
dressed and take a drive.
Rodney
You going to the police?
Del
No, the all-night deli -
we're out of eggs.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY.
Slater is at the bar, puffing on a large cigar. He is
slightly drunk, an empty bottle and a full glass of
champagne in front of him. He burps loudly. A look
from Mike. Raquel enters carrying a bag of groceries.
She sees Slater and turns quickly to leave, but too
late.
Slater
Rachel!
Slater moves across to Raquel.
Slater
(Cont'd)
Sorry, Raquel. Let me get
you a drink.
Raquel
No thanks. I just called in
to see if Del was...
Slater
I insist!
Slater sits Raquel at a table and then moves to bar.
Slater
(Cont'd)
Mike, another bottle if
you'd be so kind.
Mike
Is this one on Del's
account as well?
Slater
Oh yes. That's alright with
you, innit?
Mike
Yeah, fine. Del told me
anything you want is down
to him. I've heard of mates
looking after each other,
but this is something
special.
Slater
Del is something special,
isn't he? D'you know he
brought me breakfast in bed
this morning.
Mike
Del?
Slater
They broke the mould when
they made that man.
(Referring to
Raquel)
She seems a nice girl.
Mike
Raquel? Yeah, she's lovely.
She's been married before.
Slater
Has she?
Mike
A right git, I heard.
Slater
Really?
Mike
Her luck changed when she
met Del. He's got his
faults, but his heart’s in
the right place. Don't
tell him I said that, will
you?
Slater takes the bottle and joins Raquel at the table.
Raquel
What are you playing at,
Roy? Why's Del paying for
your champagne and
bringing you breakfast in
bed?
Slater
He's just standing by an
old school friend who's
fallen on hard times.
Raquel
When are you going, Roy?
Slater
I haven't made up my mind.
I'm just waiting for my
inheritance to come
through. Then I'm thinking
of buying a house in this
area. We'll be seeing
quite a lot of each other
in the future. D'you ever
think back to our times
together?
Raquel
Some things remind me.
Things like repeats of
Tenko.
Del, carrying a suitcase, and Rodney enter.
Slater
Del Boy, Rodney. Let me
get you a drink.
Del
Cheers, Roy. Make it a big
bottle, won't you?
(To Raquel)
You alright, sweetheart?
Raquel
Yeah. I called in to see
if you were here.
Del
Why don't you go and sit
in the van? I'm gonna sort
this thing out with
Slater. It might not be
very pretty.
Raquel
You're not going to hit him
over the head with a chair,
are you?
Del
Of course not!
Raquel
(Disappointed)
Oh, well! I'll go and sit
in the van then.
Raquel exits.
Del
Enjoying my champagne, Roy?
Slater
Lovely, Del. Helps me keep
a clear head, and, as you
know better than most,
that's very important. I
was gonna take Raquel
shopping this morning, but
she was still asleep. She
always was difficult to
wake up. Oops! Me and my...
Just shows you how easily
these things can slip
out... I was thinking about
hiring a car for a couple
of weeks. That alright with
you?
Del
Why don't we sit down and
discuss it, Roy?
Slater
Of course, lead on.
They move to a table where Rodney is seated.
Del
Before we go any further,
Slater, there's something
I want to ask you. You
knew all along that Raquel
was living with me, didn't
you?
Slater
Well, I don't suppose it
can do any harm. Yeah, I
knew. I went to the town
hall and checked her name
on the poll-tax register.
I had to get my way into
your flat to make sure it
was the same woman.
That's when I come up
with the school reunion
idea.
Slater indicates the bottle of champagne on the counter.
Slater
(Cont'd)
Fetch us that bottle of
champagne, Del, there's a
good chap.
Del's hackles rise at this.
Rodney
You've got a habit of
leaving your things lying
around, haven't you,
Slater?
Del
Like the other night when
you left your wallet lying
on the table. I couldn't
help having a little look
inside. I read that
contract you wanted Raquel
to sign.
Slater
Only protecting me
interests, Del. If it's
good enough for Rod
Stewart, it's good
enough for me.
Rodney
We also read that little
welcome home message
from your friendly
diamond merchant.
Del
Now what would happen if
we were to take that to
the Old Bill?
Slater
Sweet FA, Derek! You seem
to have overlooked some-
thing. You may have read
my personal paperwork,
but that isn't proof!
Slater produces his wallet with the paperwork inside.
Slater
(Cont'd)
I've still got exhibit A
tucked up safe and sound
in my pocket. So get out
of that one, Perry.
Del
This morning, just before I
woke you for breakfast, I
took your wallet from your
coat and had another look
at that paperwork.
Slater
So what?
Del brings his suitcase on to the table and opens it. He
produces one of the fax machines.
Del
See that? It's a fax machine.
It's exactly the same as
the one we've got back at
the flat. This is a master-
piece of modern technology.
You can fax messages all
over the world. And you
know what else it does?
Del points to some small wording on the machine.
Del
(Cont'd)
What does that say?
Slater reads the small printing.
Slater
'Photocopier'.
Slater reacts.
Del
That's right, Roy me boy,
it photocopies things.
Pictures, advertising bumf
and letters asking what
you want done with yer 10
smuggled diamonds! Things
like that!
Slater
(Casual)
So you've got a copy!
Rodney
Not just one. Several. I
mean, say we mislaid
something as important as
that? Be a crime,
wouldn't it?
Del
You said it, bruv.
Slater
You're forgetting, Derek,
I know a lot more about
the law than you. I've
already stood trial for
those diamonds. I've
served me sentence. You
can't be tried for the
same crime twice.
Del
Rodney mentioned that. So
today we went down to the
local newspaper offices
and read all the reports
of your trial. They had all
the details. They'd even
printed that old school
photo with you in the
football team. It was a
Spot the Git competition.
Rodney
Now according to the
report, you were tried for
illegally importing 78
diamonds into the country.
It didn't mention anything
about 10 missing diamonds.
The police don't know
nothing about them - yet.
Del
If one of those copies was
to find its way into the
hands of your old mates at
the Yard it would mean a
new trial.
Rodney
And be honest, Roy...
(Chuckles to
Del)
Be honest!
Del and Rodney laugh, Slater laughs with them in a
pathetic, pleading way.
Rodney
You wouldn't stand a
chance, would you? Not with
your record. It'd be an
even longer sentence this
time. Six years?
Del
I'd go for seven. Still,
wouldn't worry you, would
it, Roy? You like reunions.
I bet all the boys in
nick'll be glad to see you
back. They might throw a
little party on the roof
for yer. We've faxed you
right up, ain't we?
Slater
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but I get the distinct
impression you're angling
for a deal.
Del
Spot on!
Slater
Alright, then. As soon as
I've sold the stones, I'll
split the money with you.
I'll give you ten per
cent.
Del
No.
Rodney
Nope.
Slater
Alright. 80-20 in my favour.
Del
No.
Rodney
No, sir.
Slater
Come on!... 70-30?
Del
We don't want the money,
Roy.
Rodney
We don't want the m...
(To Del)
We don't want the...
Del holds Rodney.
Del
You can keep all the money
to yourself. All I want
from you is a promise. You
give Raquel her divorce
and then you leave her
alone - for ever! You get
out of the area now! And
you keep your big mouth
shut. If one person finds
out that you were married
to Raquel there'll be a
letter with a first-class
stamp winging it's way to
the commissioner of
police.
Slater
And that's it? That’s the
deal?
Del
That's the deal!
Slater
Well, those terms seem
acceptable to me, Derek.
Very acceptable. Don't
you worry. I won't say a
word.
Del
And I won't go near any
pillar boxes.
Slater
Well, then! I think we've
concluded our business.
Del
(Calls)
Michael, bring us a bottle
of your finest champagne -
and two glasses.
Slater
You will excuse me, won't
you? I've got a train to
catch... Would you do me
one favour? When the
baby's born, if it's a boy
would you call him after
me?
Del is about to jump up from the table but Rodney puts an
arm across to stop him.
Rodney
I wouldn't have thought
so. It's not fair to
christen a kid 'Arsehole!',
is it?
Del smiles, proud of Rodney.
Slater
No. It hasn't really got a
ring to it, has it? Well,
have a nice life, Del Boy.
Del
Oh I will, Slater, I will!
Slater exits.
Del and Rodney look at each other.
Del
We pulled it off, Rodney!
What a team!
Rodney
What a bloody team! Why
didn't we take his money?
Del
Because it's illegal.
Rodney
Yeah, but... Yeah, s'pose
you're right.
Del
But when he's sold his
diamonds, Raquel can divorce
him and legally be entitled
to 50 per cent of every-
thing!
Rodney
Oh, Derek! I will drink to
that!
Mike arrives with the champagne and two glasses.
Mike
(As he pours
two glasses)
You two celebrating some-
thing?
Del
You could say that, Mike.
We've just done the deal
of the year!
Mike
(Spots the fax
machine)
Here, that reminds me. That
fax machine you sold me.
The photocopier on it don't
work.
Del
That's funny! It don't on
ours either!
Del and Rodney collapse in uproarious laughter. Mike
looks on incredulously.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.