INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
Del, in dressing gown and silk pyjamas is pouring three
cups of tea. Two of the cups and saucers are on a tray
which also contains a plate of jam biscuits. The other
cup is on the table.
Del
(Call towards
kitchen)
Albert, I've poured you a
cup of tea. It's on the
table.
Albert
Righto, son.
Del takes his newly lit cigar from ashtray and clenches
it between his teeth as he carries the tray, with both
hands, towards door to bedroom. The door is closed. Del
lifts his left elbow up towards door handle. In so
doing his head comes down and the end of the cigar goes
into the tea in one of the cups. Del opens the door
then returns to the table. He removes the offending cup
from the tray and places it on the table. He takes
Albert's fresh cup of tea and places that on tray. He
exits to bedroom.
INT. DEL'S BEDROOM. DAY.
The room is decorated in what Del believes is a sophist-
icated style. The bed has side tables built into the
modern swirling brass headboard. On bedside table
contains the built-in controls for his radio, the other
table contains the built-in controls for hidden lighting.
None of them works. The bed is covered in black satin
sheets and these in turn are covered by a mock tiger-
skin bedcover. On the walls hangs one modern painting
of a nude woman, a painting of a Ferrari sports car and
a Turner print. On the pine and brass dressing table
stand numerous bottles of aftershave and deodorants. On
the floor stand two or three large cardboard boxes.
Raquel, in a nightdress, is sitting up in bed reading
Shakespeare's As You Like It. Del enters carrying the
breakfast tray.
Del
Here you go, sweetheart.
Always start the day off
with a nice cup of
Darjeelin', that's my motto.
Raquel
Thanks.
Del
So what are you up to
today?
Raquel
Nothing much.
(Referring to
book)
Just gonna sit around and
try and learn this. I wish
I'd never agreed to this
audition in the first
place. I'll never get the
part anyway.
Del
You're giving in before
you've even started.
Raquel
If you say so, Del.
(Kisses him)
Thanks. You know, you're
the only one who's ever
really given me encourage-
ment. My ex-husband used
to laugh at me. To him,
ambitions and dreams of
wonderful things were a
waste of time.
Del
Oh no. You must never lose
sight of your dream! When
I was 18 I decided that I
was gonna be a millionaire
by the time I was 21.
Raquel
Really?
Del
Yep... and when I was 21 I
said I'd be a millionaire
by the time I was 30...
and when I was 30...
(Referring to the
biscuits)
D'you fancy a Jammy-Dodger?
Raquel
Mm, please. I've never told
anyone this, but, d'you
remember I was in America
for a while? Well, while I
was there they were putting
on Aida at the Met. So I
applied for a part in it. I
didn't get it - there were
union problems and I wasn't
very good. But for a while,
my head was filled with big
theatre. You know, New York,
Broadway - all that!
Stupid...
Del
No, no. You didn't get it
but you had a go! Anyway,
reckon it could have been
for the best.
Raquel
How?
Del
Well, Aida at the Met! I
just couldn't see you
playing a policewoman.
Raquel
No, it's... Perhaps you're
right. Although I wouldn't
have had to do much
research. My husband was a
policeman.
Del
(Spits his tea
out)
Your old man was copper?
Raquel
Yeah. Didn't I ever say?
Del
No.
(Looks worryingly
towards the
cardboard boxes)
D'you ever see him?
Raquel
No, I haven't seen him for
years and years. Why?
Del
(Lays back on
headboard in
relief)
Oh! Just curious.
There is a knock on bedroom door.
Rodney
Am I interrupting some-
thing?
Del
No.
Rodney
Oh well, better luck next
time.
(Enters)
I'm off to work. See you
later.
Del
I'm going round your flat
today to repair your front
door. Have you spoken to
Cassandra since she got
back off holiday?
Rodney
Er... no.
Raquel
Why don't you ask to meet
her, talk things over
quietly between yourselves?
Rodney
If she wants to make the
first move, then fine.
Other than that - nito!
Del
But she's only just got
back from Spain!
Rodney
So?
Del
Well, can I at least give
her a message from you?
Rodney
Yeah. Say hasta la vesta.
Rodney exits.
Del
Vesta? That's boil-in-the-
bag curry, innit?
Raquel
No. It's Spanish for boil
-in-the-bag curry.
INT. HALL TO RODNEY'S AND CASSANDRA'S FLAT. OUTER
FOYER TO BLOCK. DAY.
Del, wearing jeans and a working shirt, has just fitted
a new, plain front door to the flat. Cassandra, looking
tanned from her recent Spanish holiday and dressed
casually, is standing in the outer foyer watching Del
tighten the final screw into the lock.
Cassandra
Promise you'll let me pay
you for doing this, Del.
Del
I wouldn't hear of it,
darling. You brought me
that bottle of duty-free
back from Spain, that's all
the payment I need. Me and
Raquel will celebrate with
that soon.
Cassandra
What are you celebrating?
Del
Raquel is having lunch with
her show-business agent.
She's up for an audition.
Shakespeare's As You Like
It. Can't go wrong with
Shakespeare, can yer? He's
my favourite.
Cassandra
Well, wish her the best of
luck for me, won't you?
Del
'Course I will...
(Referring to
door)
There you go, sweetheart.
This new front door'll put
a couple of grand on the
value of your flat.
Cassandra
(Smiling)
Yeah, I'm sure it will,
Del.
Del
Genuine French pine, that
is.
Cassandra
It said on the bottom,
'Produce of Angola'.
Del
Yes, French Angola! I'll
whip round tomorrow and
varnish it for yer.
Cassandra
No, you don't have to do
that.
Del
It's the least I can do
after what happened... I
mean, it's not very nice
coming back off holiday to
find yer front door
smashed in, is it?
Cassandra
I must admit I've had
better welcome homes.
Del
Still, at least no real
damage was done. Right,
let's try it.
Del turns the key in the lock and pushes the door. Door
doesn't budge. Del gives Cassy a smile of encouragement
and now pushes harder.
Del
That's a good sign, that is.
Del now puts his shoulder to the door. With a scrape and
a squeak the door opens about half an inch.
Cassandra
D'you think the door's too
big?
Del
Possibly. But as my old mum
always said: if you've
gotta have one, have a big
'un. You see, the wood will
shrink with time. A couple
of weeks from now this'll
look like it was made to
measure.
(Finally opens
door)
There you go - cushty.
Cassandra
Thanks for everything, Del.
Del
(Placing his
tools in his
bag)
You don't have to thank me!
We're family, Cassandra.
You're my sister-in-law.
Cassandra
Yeah. Don't know for how
long though.
Del
You and Rodney still at
battle stations, are you?
Cassandra
Seems like it. We haven't
spoken for ages.
Del
Well, I think Rodney's had
a change of heart.
Cassandra
What makes you say that?
Del
We were having a chat
earlier, and he said he
still loves you... very
deeply.
Cassandra
Rodney said that?
Del
Oh yes. He asked me to ask
you whether you'd be
prepared to meet him
tonight.
Cassandra
Where?
Del
A little restaurant over
Wapping way. I've got the
address here.
Del produces scrap of paper.
Cassandra
That's not Rodney's writing.
Del
No, he told me the address
and I wrote it down. What
shall I tell him?
Cassandra
Yeah, alright then. I've
got nothing better on.
Del
Lovely Jubbly.
Cassandra
But tell him not to think
he can buy me a bottle of
wine and then walk
straight back into this
flat!
Del
He knows that, Cassandra.
I think he wants to -
you know - woo again.
I'll tell him you'll be
there. Seven thirty?
Cassandra
Fine. But how am I gonna
get back into the flat
tonight? I don't know if
I'm strong enough to open
the door.
Del
No problem. Rodney'll be
with you. Bonjour for now.
Del exits, carrying his tool bag.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/HALL. NIGHT.
In the room are three large cardboard boxes with Antha-
chime printed across them. Underneath this, in smaller
print, is Made in Macau. Del, power-dressed for the
evening, is seated at the table fitting batteries into
one of the Anthachime devices (those doorbells that
play various national anthems).Albert is seated in an
armchair. Raquel, smartly dressed as she has recently
returned from her lunch appointment, enters from
kitchen.
Raquel
You didn't do any shopping
today then, Albert?
Albert
No, that cup of tea I had
this morning made me feel
a bit rough. Anyway, I
thought you did the
shopping now.
Raquel
I've been out to lunch with
my agent!
Albert
Well, there's some egg and
bacon in the fridge.
Raquel
Del doesn't like fried
food!
Del
(At the very
thought of fried
food)
Euurgh!
Raquel
(To Del)
Well, I'm sorry, but it'll
have to be egg and bacon.
Del
Tch! Oh well, that's the
way it goes. I'll have four
rashers.
Raquel
OK.
Del
So when's this audition of
yours?
Raquel
Tomorrow. I'm auditioning
for Rosalind.
Albert
Rosalind who?
Raquel
The part of Rosalind! I've
got to learn the whole of
Act Three, Scene Two by
tomorrow morning. How the
hell am I supposed to do
that?
Del
I'll help you.
Raquel
How d'you mean?
Del
I'll rehearse with you. You
know, I'll read the other
parts so you can get used
to it.
Raquel
You?
Del
Yeah! I used to do a bit of
acting when I was at
school. Bloody good I was
an' all. You get the old
book out and we'll start
when I get back from the
pub.
Raquel
Alright, then. Thanks. I'll
get the dinner on.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Albert
You used to act at school?
Del
Yeah. I played the landlord
in the Nativity play. There
was little Del Boy, 'No
room at the inn'. Finally
Joseph persuaded me to let
'em kip in the stable. I
tried to charge him one and
six for the night and got
the cane. Those were the
days...
A key in the front door is heard. Del rushes out to
hall. Rodney is just about to enter when Del stops him
by holding the door.
Del
Ring the bell, Rodders.
Rodney
Eh?
Del
Ring the bell.
Rodney
Why? I've got me key!
Del
Just ring the bell.
Rodney
(A heavy sigh)
Alright.
We hear the bell chime playing the American national
anthem. Del walks slowly back into the lounge,
listening to and obviously moved by the music. An
incredulous Raquel enters from the kitchen. The front
door slowly opens and Rodney, dressed in his office
clothes, enters the hall as if in state of shock. He
looks up to where the Anthachime box is situated. He
enters lounge as the anthem finally ends.
Del
(Salutes)
Vive la France!
Rodney
What is that thing?
Del
Brilliant, innit? It plays
36 different national
anthems.
Raquel
36 different nat...! You
are kidding, aren't you?
Rodney
No, he's not kidding,
Raquel. I can see it in his
eyes.
Albert
How'd you know they're
genuine national anthems?
Del
'Cos it says so on the box!
What can't speak can't lie.
Albert
Well, I've seen umpteen
Olympic Games and I ain't
heard half the tunes that
doorbell plays.
Del
Well, of course you
haven't! I mean, how many
gold medals have Fiji and
Borneo won? But if they
had pearl-diving and
putting the shrunken head
in the Olympics then you'd
hear their anthems.
Talking of shrunken
heads... Rodney, can I
have a private word?
Raquel exits to kitchen as Del draws Rodney away for a
quiet word.
Rodney
What is it?
Del
I was round your flat today
fixing the front door. I
think Cassandra's had a
change of heart.
Rodney
Yeah? What makes you think
that?
Del
We were having a chat and
she said she still loves
you... very deeply.
Rodney
Cassandra said that?
Del
Yes. She asked me to ask you
whether you'd be prepared to
meet her tonight.
Rodney
Where?
Del
I've got the address written
down here.
Del hands Rodney the scrap of paper.
Rodney
That's not Cassandra's
writing.
Del
No. She told me the address
and I wrote it down...
What d'you reckon, then?
Rodney
Yeah, alright. I've got
nothing else to do.
Del
Lovely Jubbly.
Rodney
But I hope she don't think
she can buy me with a
bottle of wine and walk
back in my life.
Del
No, no. I think she wants
to, you know, woo again.
I've booked the ta... she's
booked the table for 7.30,
so you'd better get a move
on.
Rodney
Yeah, I'll get showered...
And - thanks, Del.
Del
What you thanking me for?
I'm just the messenger.
Rodney
I feel... sort of... nervous.
Del
What you gotta be nervous
about? She's your wife.
Rodney
Yeah.. of course. You
staying in tonight?
Del
I'm going down the Nag's
head later. Mike and
Trigger wanna buy one of
these doorbells.
Rodney
D'you want me to drop 'em
off at the pub on me way
out?
Del
No, I've gotta do it,
Rodders. See, they don't
know they wanna buy 'em
yet. When I get back me
and Raquel are gonna
rehearse her new play.
Rodney
Right.
Rodney almost exits to bedroom area then stops in door-
way. Turns back.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Del rehearsing a play?
Albert
Raquel's up for some
audition.
Del
It's one of Shakespeare's
famous plays.
Rodney
And you are gonna rehearse
it with her?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
(A great big grin
spreads across
his face)
Oh cosmic! Can't you do it
now before I go out?
Del
Of course not!
Rodney
Why not? I'd like to have a
la-a-look - see how it's
done.
Del
You can't expect an actress
of Raquel's calibre to
start rehearing at the drop
of an 'at! She has to have
motivation! She has to
search for her character.
It's all about feel and
sensitivity, and that takes
time, Rodney... Besides,
she's only just put the
rashers in the pan.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
The pub is quite crowded. Del is at the bar demonstrat-
ing one of the anthachimes, which is playing the German
national anthem, to Mike. Del listens proudly to the
music.
Del
What d'you reckon the,
Michael? Brilliant, innit?
No more of that 'Avon
calling' cobblers. You can
have the old stars and
stripes playing.
Mike
You expect me to have one
of them things on my front
door?
Del
You're keen on the idea,
ain't yer?
Mike
Del, they're cheep and
tacky!
Del
I've got one on my front
door!
Mike
Yeah, you most probably
have. You'd need a brain by
-pass to have one of them
things fitted.
Trigger
How much you selling them
for, Del?
Del
Funny you should say that,
Trig. They retail at 36.50.
It's yours for 13 quid and
that includes batteries and
fitting.
Trigger
Go on then. I'll have one.
Del
Good boy, Trig. You know it
makes sense.
As Trigger pays Del, the sound of raucous female laugh-
ter is heard from a 38-year-old peroxide blonde woman,
Trudy, who is standing some distance away with a couple
of men. Trudy has obviously had too much to drink.
Del
I thought you'd banned
laughing in this pub.
Mike
With that sort I have. The
two blokes have been plying
her with drinks since six
o'clock. I think they're
fed up with it now.
One of the two men approaches bar.
Man
Would you call her a cab?
Mike
Yeah, something like that.
Man
No, no. Would you phone
for a minicab? The lady
wants to go to Battersea.
Mike
Yeah, leave it to me. I've
got an understanding with
British Telecom. I make a
phone call and they charge
me for it.
Mike moves off to make call.
Del
(To the man,
gesturing after
Mike)
You'll have to forgive him,
it's his religion. He's an
orthodox tight-arse.
The man returns to Trudy and his friend.
Del
So what you bin up to,
Trig?
Trigger
I went down to my sister's
house at the weekend. It
was her 42nd birthday.
Del
Oh, cushty... No, no, hang
on a minute. She's five
years younger than you.
That means she's only 39.
Trigger
I know. But she's a typical
woman. Lies about her age.
Del
Yeah!
Trigger
So how's the family?
Del
Oh mustard. Raquel's
boning up for an audition
- a Shakespeare play.
Trigger
Yeah? Will it be on telly?
Del
No, no. Not this particular
one. Most probably the West
End, something like that.
Trigger
Hope she don't change.
Del
Raquel? Why would she
change?
Trigger
Well, they start mixing
with all them posh actors
and the next thing you
know they've changed.
Del
No, not my Raquel.
Trigger
My sister went out with an
actor once. He played the
cat in Puss-in-Boots. She
suddenly thought she was
more intelligent than the
rest of the family.
Del
Yeah, but if you remember,
Trig, you had the same
problem with your
goldfish... Oh, look who's
here!
Marlene is standing at the other end of the bar, her
back to Del as she talks to one of the locals. Del
moves along the bar and touches her up.
Marlene
Oops!
(Sees it's Del)
Oh, you!
Del
How are you, sweetheart?
Boycie is standing by the entrance with the baby buggy
and witnesses Del touching up his wife. He leaves the
buggy with a couple of women who are talking to the
baby.
Del
How's the baby?
Marlene
Oh he's lovely. He's there
with Boycie.
Boycie
Good evening, Derek.
Del
Wotcher, Boyce. Just say-
ing hello to Marlene.
Boycie
Yes, I noticed you
approach my wife and shake
her warmly by the 'arris!
Marlene
Oh shuddup, you miserable
sod. He's just having a
laugh.
Del
Just a giggle. What are
you having?
Boycie
I'll have a large cognac.
Marlene will have an
orange juice. She's
driving my son home in a
minute.
Del
Michael. A cognac, an
orange juice and my usual.
Marlene
I've got some pictures of
the baby here.
Del
He's a little champion.
Boycie
He's got my eyes, ain't he?
Del
Na! His eyes are all warm
and smiley.
Boycie
So are mine.
Marlene
My mum always said you had
vampire eyes.
Boycie
Well, she should know, the
old bat!
Del
He's got eyes like mine.
He's got Mike's mouth,
Rodney's nose and Trigger's
ears.
Boycie
What are you saying?
Del
Nothing! Honest.
Marlene
Talking of Rodney. How is
he now?
Del
He's alright, darling.
He's having dinner with
Cassandra tonight - trying
to patch things up.
Marlene
Oh good. I suppose you've
missed him, eh, Del?
Del
Who?
Marlene
Rodney. I mean, you must
have missed him when he
left your partnership.
Del
Oh yeah, I missed him like
George Michael missed
Andrew Ridgely.
Del, Boycie, Mike and Marlene laugh at this. After a few
seconds Trigger joins in - he doesn't know why.
Tyler starts crying.
Marlene
Won't be a minute... Don't
worry, Tyler, Mummy's
coming.
Boycie
That woman's as soppy as a
lorry-load of monkeys. I
came home this evening to
find that some salesman
has flogged her a door
bell that plays 36
national anthems.
Trigger
I got one of them.
Boycie
Yes, I'd have put money on
that, Trig! The difference
is I live in a mock-
Georgian mansion in the
Kings Avenue. Our
neighbours are not gonna
appreciate being awoken by
the sound of Long live
Swaziland every time the
milkman calls.
Del
He still calling, is he?
Boycie
Yeah. And she's... And
she's ruining that boy of
mine - spoiling him
rotten. We've got the most
expensive nanny in the
world, a 300-quid-a-term
crèche and Marlene's just
put in a takeover bid for
Toys-R-Us! On the other
hand, having a baby's
changed my life. I used to
be so happy. Now I'm up
half the night stuffing
Bonjella in his mouth, I'm
too tired to sell me cars
and I ain't been to the
Masonic lodge for a month.
You don't know how lucky
you are.
Del
Not luck, Boycie. It's
called shrewdness. Never
again, that's my motto. I
had all that Farex and
Ostermilk lark years ago
when Rodney was a sprog. I
wouldn't wish that on my
worst enemy - though I
used to say a little
prayer for you an'
Marlene.
Marlene
(Calls)
I'm off home, Boyce. Don't
be too late.
Boycie
I'll be about an hour.
You'll know it's me. I'll
play Mexico forever on the
front door.
Marlene turns the buggy round so we can see Tyler.
Marlene
Wave to your daddy.
Tyler waves.
Boycie, Del, Mike and Trigger all wave back to the baby.
Boycie reacts.
Boycie gulps his drink back and walks off to join
Marlene.
Boycie
Ain't funny! Ain't bloody
funny!
Del and Mike collapse with laughter. Trigger grins.
INT. TRENDY RIVERSIDE RESTAURANT. NIGHT.
A smartly dressed Rodney is seated at one of the tables
overlooking the river nervously awaiting Cassandra's
arrival. He turns to see Cassandra and stands.
Cassandra arrives at the table.
Cassandra
Hello.
They kiss politely.
Rodney
Oh hi.
A waiter takes Cassandra's coat.
Cassandra
Thanks.
They sit.
Rodney
(To the waiter)
Thank you.
(To Cassandra)
So, how was Spain?
Cassandra
Oh, you know, OK.
Rodney
Good. Do anything interes-
ting?
Casssandra
Not really. There was just
mummy and me at the villa.
To be honest it was a bit
boring.
Rodney
I can imagine! No, I don't
mean being in your mother's
company is boring! I mean,
she's not a boring person!
Cassandra
I know what you meant.
Rodney
Good...
(Calls to the
waiter)
Excuse me.
(To Cassandra)
Would you like a glass of
something?
Cassandra
I'll have the same as you.
A waiter arrives.
Rodney
It's mineral water.
Cassandra
That makes a nice change. I
was told you'd been
drinking heavily.
Rodney gives an embarrassed smile for the waiter's
benefit.
Rodney
Heavily! Silly!
(To Waiter)
Could I have a glass of
mineral water, please?
(To Cassandra)
I think your father was
exaggerating slightly,
Cassandra.
Cassandra
Daddy didn't tell me. It
was Del.
Rodney
Yeah, well... Maybe I did
go a bit overboard after
- you know - we left each
other.
Cassandra
You meant you left me!
Rodney
Same thing.
Cassandra
No it isn't! I didn't go
anywhere, Roddy. I was at
the flat waiting for you.
You just didn't come home!
Rodney
Look, we came here to
discuss things, not to
argue!
Cassandra
You started it!
Rodney
No, I didn't! I went home
while you were on holiday.
I didn't know you'd put
new locks on the door!
Cassandra
Yes, I should have told
you. But that was no
reason for you to kick the
door in!
Rodney
I didn't kick the door in!
I sorta...
(Does shoulder
gesture)
... that's all!
Cassandra
Why d'you go back?
Rodney
I wanted to surprise you.
Waiter arrives with glass.
Cassandra
You did surprise me! I
didn't expect to come home
and find my husband had
kicked the front door in!
Rodney gives the waiter an embarrassed smile.
Rodney
(Taking glass)
Oh thank you very much.
(To Cassandra)
Look, I've got as much
right to enter that flat as
you! We've got a joint
mortgage, remember, from
the bank?
A pause.
Cassandra
And what about that girl
you took out?
Rodney
I didn't take any girl out!
Cassandra
You asked a girl out!
Rodney
That was just to make you
jealous. But it was a
stupid idea and I never
went through with it
although, at this moment
in time, it strikes me as
one of my better moves!
Cassandra
Well, this is obviously
going to be a total waste
of a good evening! Just
think of all the more
interesting things I could
be doing - like washing my
hair.
Rodney
What about me? I've passed
up the chance of seeing
Del rehearse a Shakespeare
play! People would pay a
fortune for something like
that, and I could have got
it for free!
Cassandra
I came here this evening
hoping that you and I
could find some common
ground on which we could
base our future! But it's
just pointless! I'm glad I
found out this early in
our marriage what you're
really like! Your
drinking, your bouts of
violence! God, I can just
imagine my future with
someone like you! You
really are the silliest,
pettiest, most childish
person I've ever had the
misfortune to marry.
Rodney realises what she is really saying.
Rodney
(With growing
confidence)
You fancy me, don't you?
Cassandra tries to hide her smile.
Cassandra
No, I don't!
Rodney
Yes, you do, you little
flirt, you!
Cassandra
(Laughing)
Oh shut up!
Rodney
What I meant by surprising
you was, I wanted to be in
our flat when you got
back. Not just to say
welcome back, but be
living there! That's why I
got angry when I couldn't
get in. Why d'you change
the locks on the door
for?
Cassandra
Because you walked out!
Rodney
I know, but I only went to
post a letter!
They both laugh.
Cassandra
Oh I hate you! I wanted
this to be serious. I
wanted to really tear into
you!
Rodney
Oh that's why you asked to
meet me?
Cassandra
I ask to meet you? You must
be joking! Roddy, you're
the one who did the asking.
Rodney
No, Del came home and said
you wanted to meet me. You
even suggested this venue.
Cassandra
Rodney, Derek brought a
message round from you. He
said you wanted to meet
me at this rest...!
They both now realise they have been set up.
Cassandra
Del!
Rodney
Yeah, Del! Git!
Now neither of them can help but smile at Del's
audacity.
Cassandra
So, what do we do now?
Rodney
(Shrugs)
Dunno... D'you fancy show-
ing me yer tan?
Cassandra
Yeah, alright.
The waiter arrives.
Waiter
Can I take your order?
Rodney
No, I've lost my appetite.
Cassandra
Same here.
The waiter shrugs and exits.
Cassandra
(Hands Rodney
a key)
That's the new key.
Now there is urgency - they both want to get home.
Cassandra
I've got to go round to
mummy and daddy's. I've
left some of my stuff at
their house.
Rodney
You won't be too long, will
yer?
Cassandra
No, an hour or so. D'you
remember your way home?
Rodney
I remember.
Cassandra
In case you get confused,
we've got a new front door.
Rodney
(Smiles and nods)
I'll see you in bed in half
an hour.
Cassandra
Roddy!
Rodney
Sorry!
Cassandra exits.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
Del, Mike and Trigger are at the bar. Del is eating a
hot dog. Trudy's laugh is heard again.
Trigger
(Referring to
Trudy)
You're gonna have trouble
with that one, Michael.
Mike
Don't I know it? The sooner
that minicab arrives, the
better!
Del
Disgusting, innit, eh? I
like a lady to act like a
lady. I can't stand to see
a woman staggering round a
pub dropping crisps
everywhere.
Trigger
I remember your mum.
Del
Yeah! What d'you mean?
Trigger
She was a lady, weren't
she?
Del
Oh yes, Trig. She was a
lady. She was the first
woman in Peckham to smoke
menthol cigarettes.
Trudy laughs.
Del
(Referring to
Trudy)
I mean, just look at the
state of that! I don't know
how any bloke could admit
to knowing her, let alone
being seen in her
company...
Trudy
(Calls)
D-e-l!
Del turns to look at Trudy.
Del
Blimey!
Trudy leaves the two men, rushes over and throws her
arms round Del's neck.
Trudy
How are you, darling?
Del doesn't know her from Eve.
Del
Oh, triffic!
Trudy
How long's it been?
Del
How long's what been?
Trudy
Since we last saw each
other?
Del
Have we met?
Trudy
You don't remember me?
Trudy!
Del
Trudy? Were we engaged?
Trudy
Yes!
Del
Cor blimey! You've changed,
sweetheart.
Trudy
Ain't we all, love? Hang
on, I'll just get me drink.
Trigger
I don't remember her among
your fiancées.
Del
Yeah, 1970. We were engaged
for about a month.
Trigger
So it was one of your
longer engagements?
Del
Yeah. We broke up after
Rodney's pet mouse nested
in one of her wings. The
last time I saw Trudy was
on a caravan site in
Sheerness. In the middle of
the night our caravan got
hit by lightning. She went
running out in the rain -
no drawers and a polo-neck
jumper. I've gone off that
hot dog, Mike!
Rodney enters.
Rodney
Del - we're back together.
Me and Cassy, we've made
it up.
Del
Well done, Rodders. I'm
pleased for you, bruv.
Rodney
Mike, there's a minicab
outside for someone.
Mike
That'll be for your ex-
fiancée, Derek.
Mike
Take her out, will yer?
Del
Yes, yes, gimme a minute.
Rodney
(Looking across
to Trudy)
(To Del)
Not another fiancée!
Del
I couldn't help it! I was
young! You ain't left
Cassandra out in the van,
have you?
Rodney
No. She's gone to get some
things from her mum and
dad's house. I thought I'd
pop in and tell you that I
won't be home tonight.
Del
No, Rodney. You will be
home tonight.
Rodney
Oh yeah, my real home!
(Hands Del a
key)
There's your key back.
Thanks for - you know -
having me...
Del
Oh it was a... a pleasure,
Rodders.
Rodney
Cassandra didn't ask to
meet me, did she?
Del
Na. I lied.
Rodney
You're a conniving git!
Del
Did the trick though,
didn't it?
Rodney
Yeah! Thanks, Del. Oh I've
just seen Raquel and Albert
getting off the bus.
Del
She's coming here? Oh Gawd!
She mustn't see me with
Trudy. Raquel gets very
jealous.
Trudy returns to Del and cuddles him.
Trudy
Tell me everything that's
been happening!
Del
We ain't got time, sweet-
heart. Your cab's waiting
for you.
Trudy
Well, why don't you come
back to my place? We can
talk about old times.
Del
I can't right now, Trudy.
I've gotta bit of business
to attend to. Rodney, on
your way out, escort this
young lady to her cab,
will you?
Rodney
Yeah. Come on, then.
Rodney takes Trudy's arm.
Trudy
I'll see you, Del. D'you
come in this pub often?
Del
No, it's the first time
I've ever been in here,
innit Mike?
Mike
That's right.
Rodney leads Trudy out.
Del
Cor blimey! Talk about
Fatal Attraction.
EXT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
The minicab is waiting at the kerb.
Rodney and Trudy exit from the pub. She has her arm
round Rodney's shoulder. He has his arm round her
waist in an effort to keep her upright. Trudy stumbles
slightly.
To stop herself from falling she puts both arms round
Rodney's neck. He has both arms round her waist. They
are now at the taxi. From a distance it would look as
if they were kissing.
Trudy
Is this your car? It's a
lovely car.
Rodney tries to open the back door.
Rodney
Mate! Can you open the back
door, mate?
Rodney now reacts horrified as he sees Cassandra stopped
by the pub in her car. Cassy does a double take as she
sees Rodney and Trudy. Rodney shakes his head towards
Cassandra as if to say 'No, it's not what you think!.
Cassandra looks as if she is about to burst into tears,
guns the car forward with a screech of tyres and roars
off into the night.
Rodney
Cass! Cassy!
Trudy slips to the ground, giggling.
Trudy
Rodney!
Rodney walks away.
INT. THE OUTER FOYER. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S FLAT NIGHT.
Rodney, desperate and out of breath from running, enters
from the door leading to the stairwell. He finds his
front door key and fits it into the keyhole. He cannot
open the door.
Rodney
(Calling)
Cass! Cassandra! Unlock the
door! Look, Cassy, we've
gotta talk! That woman has
nothing to do with me! She
was some old sort Del was
engaged to years ago! Cass,
let's at least talk!
He bangs on the door.
Rodney
Cassandra!
Rodney lays his head forlornly against the door. He
now presses the doorbell button and immediately one of
Del's anthachimes plays the French national anthem.
Rodney turns from the front door and, with the anthem
playing in his ears, exits to the stairwell.
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Del and Raquel are rehearsing As You Like It. Albert is
in an armchair in front of the TV, which is on but has
no sound.
Raquel
(As Rosalind,
reading from
the book)
By no means sir, Time
travels in divers paces,
with divers persons, I'll
tell you who time ambles
withal, who time trots
withal, who time gallops
withal, and who he stands
still withal.
Del
That's bloody good, Raquel.
Raquel acts as herself - not wishing to lose the momentum
- holding the book out for Del to read.
Raquel
Orlando! Orlando!
Del
Oh right!
Del finds his place in the book.
Del
(Now in 'Richard
the Third voice)
I prithee, who doth he trot
withal!
Raquel
(As herself)
What are you doing?
Del
I'm acting.
Raquel
Well, don't! Just read it!
Del
I thought I'd put a bit of
passion into it.
Raquel
No, I don't want you to.
Just read it.
Del
Alright.
Del reads from the book in his normal voice.
Del
(Reading)
I prithee, who doth he trot
withal? That alright?
Raquel
Yes.
(As Rosalind)
Marry, he trots hard with
a young maid, between the
contract of her marriage,
and the day it is
solemnis'd, if the interim
be but a se'nnight, time's
pace is so hard. that it
seems the length of seven
year.
Albert
When you gotta learn this
by?
Raquel
Tomorrow morning.
Albert laughs his laugh.
Raquel
Oh Del! He's right! I'm
gonna make a real mess of
this audition.
Del
No, you won't; you'll be
terrific - won't she,
Albert?
Albert
'Course you will. And even
if you're not, what have
you lost?
Raquel
What do you mean, what
have I lost?
Albert
Well, it's only a bunch of
nancy actors doing a play
that no one can make head
nor tail of!
Del
(To Raquel)
There you are! That's made
you feel better, ain't it?
(To Albert)
You dozy old twonk! That is
authentic culture, so keep
yer gob shut.
(To Raquel)
Shall we continue?
Raquel
You sure you don't mind
doing this?
Del
Of course not! I'm enjoying
it. It's a blinding play.
Raquel
Thanks. Shall we start at
the beginning?
Del
(Tiny moment of
panic)
No, no. Let's shift on a
bit, eh?
Raquel
(As Rosalind)
With a priest that lacks
Latin, and a rich man that
hath not the gout; for the
one sleeps easily because
he cannot study, and the
other merrily...
The front-door bell is heard playing the American
national anthem. Del exits to hall.
Del
Saved by the door bell.
Cut to hall.
Del opens door. A dejected Rodney enters, having just
returned from his own flat.
Del
What are you doing back
here? I thought you were
staying at yer own flat!
Rodney
We've broken up.
Del
Broken up? You've only
been together an hour!
What happened?
Del follows Rodney to lounge.
Cut to lounge.
Rodney
She saw me standing out-
side the Nag's Head with
me arm round bloody Trudy!
Raquel
You had your arm round
another woman? Well, no
wonder she's thrown you
out! It serves you right,
doesn't it, Rodney?
Rodney
Trudy was nothing to do
with me! She was...
(Del eyes Rodney
not to say any
more)
She was... just a friend!
Raquel
Oh just a friend, eh? How
many times have I heard
that? I've got no pity for
you, in fact you disgust
me! It wouldn't do you any
harm to take a leaf out of
Del's book.
Del
Yeah.
Raquel
(To Del - referring
to book)
I'm gonna study this in the
bedroom.
Del
Alright sweetheart. See you
in a little while.
Raquel exits to bedroom.
Rodney glares angrily at Del.
Del
Don't look at me in that
tone of voice, Rodney. I
didn't know Cassandra
would see you. Anyway,
what was you doing with
your arm round Trudy?
Rodney
Stopping her from falling
flat on her bleedin' face!
Albert
D'you reckon Cassandra'll
tell her dad?
Del
No. She'll keep it personal
between her and Rodney.
The phone begins ringing. Del and Rodney look at each
other - they know it's Alan.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Answers phone)
Trotters Independent Traders
PLC...
(Falsely pleased)
Alan.
Rodney
(Whispers)
Don't say I'm here!
Del
(On phone)
No, Rodney's not in.
Rodney
(Whispers)
Don't say I'm out!
Del
You just said...
(On phone)
What I mean is he's not in
the room. He's asleep in
bed... Yes, of course. I'll
give him the message.
(Switches phone
off)
He said he wants to see you
in work tomorrow, first
thing in the morning.
Rodney
Oh Gawd!
Del
Don't worry. It's probably
something to do with
business. Me and Raquel are
gonna carry on rehearsing
in the bedroom. If you hear
any funny noises, it's most
probably be me doing me
speech at Agincourt.
Del exits to bedroom.
Rodney
Alan's gonna sack me.
Albert
He can't sack you.
Rodney
Of course he can. He owns
the firm.
Albert
That printing shop of his
is overloaded with work.
He's got orders coming out
of his ears. Everyone's
working overtime and
weekends.
Rodney
So what are you saying?
He'll wait 'til the rush
is over?
Albert
During the war...
Rodney
Oh please, Unc - not the
U-boat and the fjord again!
Albert
... we docked at Valletta,
on our way to Greece. We
had a chief communications
officer on board, Tubby
Fox.
Rodney
Funny name for a ship,
innit?
Albert
That was the officer's
name! Well, old Tubby liked
to live it up then. He got
the chance and then one
night he was on duty when
the skipper caught him in
the radio room - a bottle
of gin in one hand and a
Maltese girl in the other.
He put him on a charge and
started court-martial
proceedings.
Rodney
Albert - is there any point
to this story or are you
just rambling?
Albert
The navy had a wartime rule
- only commissioned
officers were allowed to
control the radio room.
Rodney
Yeah, he's just rambling.
Albert
Now, Tubby was the only
communications officer on
board. So d'you know what
he did?
Rodney
I don't care what he did!
Albert
He reigned his commission.
Which meant?
Rodney
I don't know.
Albert
It meant the ship couldn't
sail! The captain had no
choice but to refuse to
accept Tubby's resignation!
Once he'd done that, he
couldn't proceed with the
court martial. It was
checkmate.
Rodney
Oh I see! They needed him
more than he needed them?
Albert
Exactly! What I'm trying
to say is: realise your
own importance. Tubby Fox
did, and he went on to
captain his own submarine-
hunter.
Rodney is now more relieved and much more at ease with
his situation.
Rodney
Yeah! You're right! Cheers,
Unc.
Rodney exits to bedroom.
Albert
(Talking to
himself)
He died in Palermo harbour.
Dropped a depth-charge -
in nine feet of water.
Albert shakes his head sadly at the thought of the
memory.
INT. A TRENDY CAFE/ EXT. STREET (CHURCH HALL). DAY.
Del, power-dressed, with briefcase and filofax, is seated
at a window table reading the Star, a cup of coffee on
the table. He looks across the road at a small church
hall, a sign outside of which reads: 'Auditions.
10.30-13.00.'
Raquel leaves the church hall with Adrian the director.
They both laugh as they make their way towards the café.
Del quickly opens his briefcase, puts the Star inside
and produces the Financial Times.
INT. PARRY PRINTING WORKS. DAY.
Rodney approaches Alan's office. He is holding a letter
and appears apprehensive. He knocks on the door, then he
summons up some courage and enters. There is no-one
there so Rodney places the envelope on Alan's desk.
INT. PARRY'S PRINTING WORKS/EXT. ALAN'S OFFICE. DAY.
Rodney enters from Alan's office. As he does so, we see
Alan approaching. He seems happy and excited.
Alan
Rodney!
Rodney
Oh... er... Alan. I've left
a letter for you on your
desk.
Alan
Yeah? I'll deal with it
later. I wanted to talk to
you.
Rodney
Yeah, Del said you wanted to
see me.
Alan
Look, er... You remember we
had lunch with Ron Carey
from the Harvey's mail-order
people?
Rodney
Vaguely. It was months ago.
Alan
Well, we've got the
contract!
Rodney
You're kidding!
Alan
A three-year deal. We print
all their junk mail, their
catalogues and their
office stationary.
Rodney
That's massive.
Alan
You're telling me! I think
we can safely say we'll be
eating turkey again this
Christmas.
Rodney
No, I mean, how are we
gonna handle it? We've
barely got the staff or
room to cope with our
present workload.
Alan
We take on more staff and
move to a larger workshop.
That's what I wanted to
see you about. I've been
looking at some new
premises. I'd like you to
see 'em.
Rodney
Right! Where are they?
Alan
You know that new resident-
ial estate out at Nunhead...
EXT. PARKING AREA AT BAK OF PARRY'S PRINTING WORKS. DAY.
Alan and Rodney exit and are approaching Alan's Jaguar.
Rodney
Alan. About last night.
Alan
Last night?
Rodney
What happened between
Cassandra and me.
Alan
Oh that? Well, needless to
say Pam and I were delight-
ed at the news.
Rodney
Delighted?
Alan
Cassandra came home and told
us that you two were back
together.
Rodney
Oh yeah! But I wanted to
talk to you about what
happened after that.
Alan
Rodney, I'm a man of the
world but I'm also
Cassandra's father. I don't
wanna know what happened
after that! Know what I
mean?
Rodney
Yeah!
INT. THE TRENDY CAFE. DAY.
Raquel and Adrian enter the café and go to the bar. Del
joins them. She immediately sees Del and, at first,
seems surprised and a bit put out by his presence.
Del
Alright, sweetheart?
Raquel
What are you doing here?
Del
Oh well, you know. I just
happened to be passing. I
thought I'd pop in and
give you a lift home.
Raquel
Del, this is Adrian, he's
the director. Adrian,
this is Derek, he's...
he's a friend.
Adrian
Pleased to meet you, Derek.
Del
And you, Ade, and you. So
how'd she do?
Adrian
At the audition? Very
well.
Del
Cushty.
(To Raquel)
See. Told you it would be
no problem.
They are moving to bar.
Raquel
You shouldn't ask questions
like that!
Del
Oh shuddup. You're too
picky, that's your
problem.
Adrian
What can I get you?
Raquel
A small dry sherry, please,
Adrian.
Del
Yeah, same here.
Adrian
(To bar person)
And I'll have a kir. So
are you in the business,
Derek?
The barman pours the drinks.
Del
The business? Oh, show
business! Not exactly.
Adrian
But you're involved in
some way?
Del
No... I'm an importer-
exporter. Fine antiques,
quality objets d'art,
mobile telephones, that
sorta thing.
As Adrian picks up the sherries, Jules, the set designer,
enters. He is 25, trendy and gay. He wears tight black
leather trousers, an expensive, armless T-shirt and an
earring. His hair is dyed blond and he wears a hint of
make-up. A nod and a smile is exchanged between Jules,
Raquel and Adrian.
Del
(Cont'd)
Funny, you should mention
it. While we're on the
subject, Adrian, I am at
this moment promoting a
brand new line in
computerised communications
systems which I think could
be right up your street.
It's a musical doorbell.
You press the button and...
Adrian
(Cuts in)
Derek, this is Jules.
Del turns straight into Jules' face and reels away
quickly as if taken by surprise.
Adrian
Jules is our set designer.
Jules, this is Derek,
Raquel's... er... friend.
Jules
Hi.
Del
Alright?
Jules
(To bar person)
Gimme some vitamin C. I
feel absolutely wrecked.
Del, Raquel and Adrian move away from bar with drinks in
hand. The bar person pours the orange juice.
Del
Shall we go to the table?
Adrian
Yeah, fine. I'm gonna grab
something to eat first.
Raquel
I feel a bit peckish as
well.
Del
And me.
Raquel
(Whispers harshly
at Del)
Go and sit at the table. I
need to talk to him.
Del
Alright!
Raquel and Adrian move to the salad bar. Del sits at
window table. He watches Raquel and Adrian, who are at
the buffet table, chatting, and laughing.
Jules now plonks himself down opposite Del.
Jules
They think I can design
magnificent stage sets on
peanuts! I mean, these
people don't have a budget.
It's more like a whip-round.
Del
Yeah, know what you mean.
It's a bark, innit?
As he sips his sherry he becomes self-conscious of the
small, feminine sherry glass.
Jules
Feel my hands.
Del
Eh?
Jules
Feel my hands. Go on, feel
'em.
Del
(Touches Jules'
palm tentatively)
Oh yeah, 'orrible, ain't
they?
Jules
That's callouses! I'm the
set designer yet I have
to help unload the
lorries. Did I go to art
college for three years
for that?
Del
'Course not!
Jules
No.
Del simply doesn't know how to continue the conversation.
Del
See the match the other
night?
Jules
Match? What match?
Del
England v Yugoslavia.
Jules
No, I'm not really inter-
ested in football.
Del
Well, you're lucky! You
were dead lucky! Some of
the decision that ref gave
were criminal. We was
robbed, absolutely robbed.
They showed the match on
Grandstand. I said to my
brother they should have
had it on Crimewatch.
Jules
I tell you what I did
watch. That Elizabeth
Taylor film Cat On A Hot
Tin Roof. Isn't she the
most beautiful creature
ever?
Del
Yeah, it's a shame she
got fat, innit?
Jules
Oh but her bone structure!
And her eyes! And her
hair. Derek, her hair just
cascades everywhere. I
wish I had hair...
Del now sees Rodney and Alan in the Jag outside in the
street, parked at a garage right outside the café.
Rodney spots Del and smiles, but his smile dies as he
sees Jules sitting opposite Del. Jules is going on about
Liz Taylor. His wrists have become limper and he is
touching his eyes and hands. As Alan now looks with
curiosity at Del and Jules, Del realises what they might
be thinking and shakes his head at them. Alan and Rodney
look at each other and then drive off.
INT. THE TROTTERS'LOUNGE. NIGHT.
Raquel, seated, is reading a typed letter. She seems
worried. Del is at the bar pouring champagne. Albert is
in an armchair, and Rodney is just finishing his dinner.
Albert
You've told us about 30
times already. I've never
seen this place. but I
feel like I could give you
a guided tour.
Rodney
Well, I'm excited! I tell
you, Alan is going places.
Del
He ain't the only one
going places! I'll get all
the hounds along for your
opening night, Raquel...
Raquel?
Raquel
Oh sorry. What d'you say?
Del
I said, I'll get all the
boys there for the opening
night. Boycie, Trigger,
Mike. We'll give you a big
cheer when you walk on.
Make that Adrian mush
think you've got a fan
club already.
Raquel.
OK. Thanks.
Albert
Well, cheer up, gel. You
got the part, didn't you?
Raquel
Yeah, I got the part,
Albert.
Del hands Raquel a glass of champagne.
Del
There you go, darling.
Raquel
Not for me, Del.
Del
But we're celebrating your
good news.
Raquel
I've got this letter to
read. It's got all the
details of the play. I'd
like to read it with a
clear head. I'll see you
in a little while.
Raquel exits to bedroom.
Albert
What's up with her?
Del
Dunno. She's bin acting a
bit off ever since she
came out of that audition.
Maybe it's being with
that actors' crowd!
Perhaps she feels she's a
bit better than us now.
Rodney
Raquel's not like that!
Del
You don't know, Rodney.
Acravat and a codpiece can
turn a girl's head.
The phone begins ringing. Rodney answers it.
Rodney
(On phone)
Hello... Alan. I've just
been telling Del and Albert
about our new premises...
What letter?
(Horrified. He'd
forgotten the
letter)
Oh that letter? Let me
explain. You see, it was a
token - a sorta gesture.
The situation that existed
then between Cassandra and
I may have been causing
you some embarrassment,
and I wanted you to know
that I was fully aware of
it... Yes... Mm... Fine...
Let me get this straight,
Alan. When you say you've
accepted my letter of
resignation, what exactly
do you mean? I see... Yes,
thank you.
Rodney switches phone off.
Rodney just stands there, rigid with shock.
Del
You handed in a letter of
resignation?
Rodney
Sort of!
Del
I don't understand, Rodney!
Rodney
I... er... thought it was
best.
Del
You stupid little plonker!
That's the best job you've
ever had and are likely to
have, and you've chucked
it away!
Rodney
Listen. I am in control of
my own destiny! I am my
own man and I make my own
decisions in this world.
Del
But why did you resign?
Rodney
(Indicating towards
Albert)
Because he told me to!
Albert
Me? I didn't say a word.
Rodney
You told me about that
officer on your boat who
resigned and saved himself
from a court martial.
Albert
But that was different, son.
Rodney
How?
Albert
Well, he got away with it!
Rodney
I didn't think Alan would
accept my resignation!
Del
But he did!
Rodney
I know he did! I thought I
was too important to the
firm.
Del
But you weren't!
Rodney
(Shouting at
Del)
I know I weren't! Bloody
know that now, don't I?
Del
Alright, calm down. I've
had a word with Alan, see
if I can get him to change
his mind.
Rodney
Too late. He's already got
someone to take my place.
Del
That was quick, weren't it?
Albert
Bet your life he jumped at
the opportunity.
Rodney
What's that supposed to
mean?
Albert
No, no. I meant the bloke
who's taken your place!
Rodney
Oh yeah, he jumped at it
alright! It's my assistant.
Del
What, that young kid?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
The spotty one? Only left
school last year?
Rodney
Yes.
Del
Elvis?
Rodney
Yes.
Del
And he's doing what you
were doing?
Rodney
Yes.
Albert
I heard that boy was an
onion short of a stew.
Rodney
Who told you that?
Albert
You did.
Rodney
You must have misunderstood
me, Albert. Elvis is not
daft.
Del
There's no danger of him
winning Blockbusters though,
is there?
(To Albert)
He's the one who thought
sugar diabetes was a Welsh
flyweight.
Rodney
Look, he's just filling
the gap until Alan finds
someone of my expertise to
take over.
Albert
It's just strange they
should replace you with a
silly boy.
Rodney
Just stay out of it,
Albert!
Del
Oi, Oi, Rodney. You can't
talk to an old hero like
that!
Rodney
Well, he's getting on my
bloody nerves, keeping on
and on about it.
Del
You're just trying to pass
the buck, Rodney. Well, it
won't work. This is all
yer own doing. You had a
lovely wife, a lovely flat
and the bestest job in the
world - and you blew it!
Rodney
(Cannot find
an answer)
Who was that bloke you were
having lunch with today?
Del
It was one of Raquel's
party friends.
Albert
What bloke's that then?
Del
Just stay out of it, Albert.
Del and Rodney turn their backs on each other.
INT. DEL'S BEDROOM. NIGHT.
Raquel, in dressing gown, is seated on the edge of the
bed staring at the floor. Del enters in pyjamas and
dressing gown.
Del
You OK?
Raquel
Yeah, fine.
Del picks up the typed letter Raquel had been reading
earlier.
Del
You read yer letter about
the play?
Raquel
Yeah, I've read it.
Del
Look, sweetheart. If we've
had a row, will you at
least tell me about it?
Raquel
We haven't had a row!
Everything's fine.
Del
No, it isn't. Ever since
you met that Adrian and
Jules and all the others at
the audition, you've been
different towards me. I
mean, what is it? Maybe I'm
not as good as your actor
cronies, eh? Perhaps I
embarrass you!
Raquel
Don't be stupid, Del!
Del
I saw your face, Raquel.
When Adrian asked me about
Hamlet and I said I
preferred Castellas, I saw
your face! So when d'you
begin rehearsals?
Raquel
The tour doesn't start for
another three months.
Del
Oh well, gives you plenty
of time to meet more of
them intelligent,
sensitive actor people,
don't it?
Raquel
Derek, will you get it
into your thick skull:
I'm not trying to meet
intelligent and sensitive
people, I'm happy with
you!
Del
So what's the problem?
Tour? You said it was a
tour!
Raquel
That's right. It's a nine-
week tour of the country.
Del
I didn't know you had to
go away! I thought it was
just a play - you know,
local... Oh I see it all
now. Your head's filled
with big theatres again!
Applause, applause, the
show must go on!
Raquel
We're not appearing in
theatres.
Del
Well, if you're not
appearing in theatres,
what are you appearing
in?
Raquel
Schools!
Del
Schools?
Raquel
Yes, schools. It's a co-
project by the Education
and Arts Council. We're
supposed to take
Shakespeare to the inner
cities. Imagine what it
might have done for me.
Del
Oh yeah. A few years from
now you could have bin a
dinner lady.
Raquel
Don't become like the
others, Del. Putting down
every little dream I have.
Del
I'm not putting yer dreams
down, sweetheart. You know
I'd never do that. I don't
want you to leave me! I'm
frightened you won't come
back!
Raquel
I'm not going anywhere,
Del. I'm turning the offer
down.
Del
No, no. You mustn't do
that. It's a good
opportunity, Raquel, I was
just being selfish.
Raquel
I can't do that tour, Del.
Del
Why not?
Raquel
Because I've read the play
again and again and at no
point does Shakespeare
mention that Rosalind - is
pregnant.
Del
Well, that's poetic licence
... innit... Did you say
you was pregnant?
Raquel
(Nods slowly)
I've done all the tests and
... everything is certain.
Del
Blimey!
Raquel
Are you angry?
Del
Angry?
Del who still hasn't smiled, opens the bedroom door.
Del
(Calls)
Albert! Get out of bed, you
lazy old sod, and open the
biggest bottle of champagne
you can find! Tonight we
celebrate!
Raquel
You're not angry?
Del
Angry? I'm gonna to be a
daddy! I wanna phone every-
one I know: I wanna have a
party - I want someone to
put on a fireworks display
for us!
Rodney, in pyjamas and dressing gown, arrives at the
open bedroom door.
Rodney
What's all the fuss?
Del
Rodney... Just stay where
you are.
Albert arrives at bedroom door.
Albert
What's happening?
Del
Let me ask you two a
question.
(Pointing at
Raquel)
How many people can you
see standing there?
Albert and Rodney look at each other.
Albert
Well... one.
Del
I can see - two.
Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace.
Rodney
You know what this means,
Albert?
Albert
No.
Rodney
Well, either Raquel's
pregnant or Del's pissed.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.