Only Fools And Horses

Chance Of A Lunchtime

INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. Del, in dressing gown and silk pyjamas is pouring three cups of tea. Two of the cups and saucers are on a tray which also contains a plate of jam biscuits. The other cup is on the table. Del (Call towards kitchen) Albert, I've poured you a cup of tea. It's on the table. Albert Righto, son. Del takes his newly lit cigar from ashtray and clenches it between his teeth as he carries the tray, with both hands, towards door to bedroom. The door is closed. Del lifts his left elbow up towards door handle. In so doing his head comes down and the end of the cigar goes into the tea in one of the cups. Del opens the door then returns to the table. He removes the offending cup from the tray and places it on the table. He takes Albert's fresh cup of tea and places that on tray. He exits to bedroom. INT. DEL'S BEDROOM. DAY. The room is decorated in what Del believes is a sophist- icated style. The bed has side tables built into the modern swirling brass headboard. On bedside table contains the built-in controls for his radio, the other table contains the built-in controls for hidden lighting. None of them works. The bed is covered in black satin sheets and these in turn are covered by a mock tiger- skin bedcover. On the walls hangs one modern painting of a nude woman, a painting of a Ferrari sports car and a Turner print. On the pine and brass dressing table stand numerous bottles of aftershave and deodorants. On the floor stand two or three large cardboard boxes. Raquel, in a nightdress, is sitting up in bed reading Shakespeare's As You Like It. Del enters carrying the breakfast tray. Del Here you go, sweetheart. Always start the day off with a nice cup of Darjeelin', that's my motto. Raquel Thanks. Del So what are you up to today? Raquel Nothing much. (Referring to book) Just gonna sit around and try and learn this. I wish I'd never agreed to this audition in the first place. I'll never get the part anyway. Del You're giving in before you've even started. Raquel If you say so, Del. (Kisses him) Thanks. You know, you're the only one who's ever really given me encourage- ment. My ex-husband used to laugh at me. To him, ambitions and dreams of wonderful things were a waste of time. Del Oh no. You must never lose sight of your dream! When I was 18 I decided that I was gonna be a millionaire by the time I was 21. Raquel Really? Del Yep... and when I was 21 I said I'd be a millionaire by the time I was 30... and when I was 30... (Referring to the biscuits) D'you fancy a Jammy-Dodger? Raquel Mm, please. I've never told anyone this, but, d'you remember I was in America for a while? Well, while I was there they were putting on Aida at the Met. So I applied for a part in it. I didn't get it - there were union problems and I wasn't very good. But for a while, my head was filled with big theatre. You know, New York, Broadway - all that! Stupid... Del No, no. You didn't get it but you had a go! Anyway, reckon it could have been for the best. Raquel How? Del Well, Aida at the Met! I just couldn't see you playing a policewoman. Raquel No, it's... Perhaps you're right. Although I wouldn't have had to do much research. My husband was a policeman. Del (Spits his tea out) Your old man was copper? Raquel Yeah. Didn't I ever say? Del No. (Looks worryingly towards the cardboard boxes) D'you ever see him? Raquel No, I haven't seen him for years and years. Why? Del (Lays back on headboard in relief) Oh! Just curious. There is a knock on bedroom door. Rodney Am I interrupting some- thing? Del No. Rodney Oh well, better luck next time. (Enters) I'm off to work. See you later. Del I'm going round your flat today to repair your front door. Have you spoken to Cassandra since she got back off holiday? Rodney Er... no. Raquel Why don't you ask to meet her, talk things over quietly between yourselves? Rodney If she wants to make the first move, then fine. Other than that - nito! Del But she's only just got back from Spain! Rodney So? Del Well, can I at least give her a message from you? Rodney Yeah. Say hasta la vesta. Rodney exits. Del Vesta? That's boil-in-the- bag curry, innit? Raquel No. It's Spanish for boil -in-the-bag curry. INT. HALL TO RODNEY'S AND CASSANDRA'S FLAT. OUTER FOYER TO BLOCK. DAY. Del, wearing jeans and a working shirt, has just fitted a new, plain front door to the flat. Cassandra, looking tanned from her recent Spanish holiday and dressed casually, is standing in the outer foyer watching Del tighten the final screw into the lock. Cassandra Promise you'll let me pay you for doing this, Del. Del I wouldn't hear of it, darling. You brought me that bottle of duty-free back from Spain, that's all the payment I need. Me and Raquel will celebrate with that soon. Cassandra What are you celebrating? Del Raquel is having lunch with her show-business agent. She's up for an audition. Shakespeare's As You Like It. Can't go wrong with Shakespeare, can yer? He's my favourite. Cassandra Well, wish her the best of luck for me, won't you? Del 'Course I will... (Referring to door) There you go, sweetheart. This new front door'll put a couple of grand on the value of your flat. Cassandra (Smiling) Yeah, I'm sure it will, Del. Del Genuine French pine, that is. Cassandra It said on the bottom, 'Produce of Angola'. Del Yes, French Angola! I'll whip round tomorrow and varnish it for yer. Cassandra No, you don't have to do that. Del It's the least I can do after what happened... I mean, it's not very nice coming back off holiday to find yer front door smashed in, is it? Cassandra I must admit I've had better welcome homes. Del Still, at least no real damage was done. Right, let's try it. Del turns the key in the lock and pushes the door. Door doesn't budge. Del gives Cassy a smile of encouragement and now pushes harder. Del That's a good sign, that is. Del now puts his shoulder to the door. With a scrape and a squeak the door opens about half an inch. Cassandra D'you think the door's too big? Del Possibly. But as my old mum always said: if you've gotta have one, have a big 'un. You see, the wood will shrink with time. A couple of weeks from now this'll look like it was made to measure. (Finally opens door) There you go - cushty. Cassandra Thanks for everything, Del. Del (Placing his tools in his bag) You don't have to thank me! We're family, Cassandra. You're my sister-in-law. Cassandra Yeah. Don't know for how long though. Del You and Rodney still at battle stations, are you? Cassandra Seems like it. We haven't spoken for ages. Del Well, I think Rodney's had a change of heart. Cassandra What makes you say that? Del We were having a chat earlier, and he said he still loves you... very deeply. Cassandra Rodney said that? Del Oh yes. He asked me to ask you whether you'd be prepared to meet him tonight. Cassandra Where? Del A little restaurant over Wapping way. I've got the address here. Del produces scrap of paper. Cassandra That's not Rodney's writing. Del No, he told me the address and I wrote it down. What shall I tell him? Cassandra Yeah, alright then. I've got nothing better on. Del Lovely Jubbly. Cassandra But tell him not to think he can buy me a bottle of wine and then walk straight back into this flat! Del He knows that, Cassandra. I think he wants to - you know - woo again. I'll tell him you'll be there. Seven thirty? Cassandra Fine. But how am I gonna get back into the flat tonight? I don't know if I'm strong enough to open the door. Del No problem. Rodney'll be with you. Bonjour for now. Del exits, carrying his tool bag. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/HALL. NIGHT. In the room are three large cardboard boxes with Antha- chime printed across them. Underneath this, in smaller print, is Made in Macau. Del, power-dressed for the evening, is seated at the table fitting batteries into one of the Anthachime devices (those doorbells that play various national anthems).Albert is seated in an armchair. Raquel, smartly dressed as she has recently returned from her lunch appointment, enters from kitchen. Raquel You didn't do any shopping today then, Albert? Albert No, that cup of tea I had this morning made me feel a bit rough. Anyway, I thought you did the shopping now. Raquel I've been out to lunch with my agent! Albert Well, there's some egg and bacon in the fridge. Raquel Del doesn't like fried food! Del (At the very thought of fried food) Euurgh! Raquel (To Del) Well, I'm sorry, but it'll have to be egg and bacon. Del Tch! Oh well, that's the way it goes. I'll have four rashers. Raquel OK. Del So when's this audition of yours? Raquel Tomorrow. I'm auditioning for Rosalind. Albert Rosalind who? Raquel The part of Rosalind! I've got to learn the whole of Act Three, Scene Two by tomorrow morning. How the hell am I supposed to do that? Del I'll help you. Raquel How d'you mean? Del I'll rehearse with you. You know, I'll read the other parts so you can get used to it. Raquel You? Del Yeah! I used to do a bit of acting when I was at school. Bloody good I was an' all. You get the old book out and we'll start when I get back from the pub. Raquel Alright, then. Thanks. I'll get the dinner on. Raquel exits to kitchen. Albert You used to act at school? Del Yeah. I played the landlord in the Nativity play. There was little Del Boy, 'No room at the inn'. Finally Joseph persuaded me to let 'em kip in the stable. I tried to charge him one and six for the night and got the cane. Those were the days... A key in the front door is heard. Del rushes out to hall. Rodney is just about to enter when Del stops him by holding the door. Del Ring the bell, Rodders. Rodney Eh? Del Ring the bell. Rodney Why? I've got me key! Del Just ring the bell. Rodney (A heavy sigh) Alright. We hear the bell chime playing the American national anthem. Del walks slowly back into the lounge, listening to and obviously moved by the music. An incredulous Raquel enters from the kitchen. The front door slowly opens and Rodney, dressed in his office clothes, enters the hall as if in state of shock. He looks up to where the Anthachime box is situated. He enters lounge as the anthem finally ends. Del (Salutes) Vive la France! Rodney What is that thing? Del Brilliant, innit? It plays 36 different national anthems. Raquel 36 different nat...! You are kidding, aren't you? Rodney No, he's not kidding, Raquel. I can see it in his eyes. Albert How'd you know they're genuine national anthems? Del 'Cos it says so on the box! What can't speak can't lie. Albert Well, I've seen umpteen Olympic Games and I ain't heard half the tunes that doorbell plays. Del Well, of course you haven't! I mean, how many gold medals have Fiji and Borneo won? But if they had pearl-diving and putting the shrunken head in the Olympics then you'd hear their anthems. Talking of shrunken heads... Rodney, can I have a private word? Raquel exits to kitchen as Del draws Rodney away for a quiet word. Rodney What is it? Del I was round your flat today fixing the front door. I think Cassandra's had a change of heart. Rodney Yeah? What makes you think that? Del We were having a chat and she said she still loves you... very deeply. Rodney Cassandra said that? Del Yes. She asked me to ask you whether you'd be prepared to meet her tonight. Rodney Where? Del I've got the address written down here. Del hands Rodney the scrap of paper. Rodney That's not Cassandra's writing. Del No. She told me the address and I wrote it down... What d'you reckon, then? Rodney Yeah, alright. I've got nothing else to do. Del Lovely Jubbly. Rodney But I hope she don't think she can buy me with a bottle of wine and walk back in my life. Del No, no. I think she wants to, you know, woo again. I've booked the ta... she's booked the table for 7.30, so you'd better get a move on. Rodney Yeah, I'll get showered... And - thanks, Del. Del What you thanking me for? I'm just the messenger. Rodney I feel... sort of... nervous. Del What you gotta be nervous about? She's your wife. Rodney Yeah.. of course. You staying in tonight? Del I'm going down the Nag's head later. Mike and Trigger wanna buy one of these doorbells. Rodney D'you want me to drop 'em off at the pub on me way out? Del No, I've gotta do it, Rodders. See, they don't know they wanna buy 'em yet. When I get back me and Raquel are gonna rehearse her new play. Rodney Right. Rodney almost exits to bedroom area then stops in door- way. Turns back. Rodney (Cont'd) Del rehearsing a play? Albert Raquel's up for some audition. Del It's one of Shakespeare's famous plays. Rodney And you are gonna rehearse it with her? Del Yeah. Rodney (A great big grin spreads across his face) Oh cosmic! Can't you do it now before I go out? Del Of course not! Rodney Why not? I'd like to have a la-a-look - see how it's done. Del You can't expect an actress of Raquel's calibre to start rehearing at the drop of an 'at! She has to have motivation! She has to search for her character. It's all about feel and sensitivity, and that takes time, Rodney... Besides, she's only just put the rashers in the pan. INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. The pub is quite crowded. Del is at the bar demonstrat- ing one of the anthachimes, which is playing the German national anthem, to Mike. Del listens proudly to the music. Del What d'you reckon the, Michael? Brilliant, innit? No more of that 'Avon calling' cobblers. You can have the old stars and stripes playing. Mike You expect me to have one of them things on my front door? Del You're keen on the idea, ain't yer? Mike Del, they're cheep and tacky! Del I've got one on my front door! Mike Yeah, you most probably have. You'd need a brain by -pass to have one of them things fitted. Trigger How much you selling them for, Del? Del Funny you should say that, Trig. They retail at 36.50. It's yours for 13 quid and that includes batteries and fitting. Trigger Go on then. I'll have one. Del Good boy, Trig. You know it makes sense. As Trigger pays Del, the sound of raucous female laugh- ter is heard from a 38-year-old peroxide blonde woman, Trudy, who is standing some distance away with a couple of men. Trudy has obviously had too much to drink. Del I thought you'd banned laughing in this pub. Mike With that sort I have. The two blokes have been plying her with drinks since six o'clock. I think they're fed up with it now. One of the two men approaches bar. Man Would you call her a cab? Mike Yeah, something like that. Man No, no. Would you phone for a minicab? The lady wants to go to Battersea. Mike Yeah, leave it to me. I've got an understanding with British Telecom. I make a phone call and they charge me for it. Mike moves off to make call. Del (To the man, gesturing after Mike) You'll have to forgive him, it's his religion. He's an orthodox tight-arse. The man returns to Trudy and his friend. Del So what you bin up to, Trig? Trigger I went down to my sister's house at the weekend. It was her 42nd birthday. Del Oh, cushty... No, no, hang on a minute. She's five years younger than you. That means she's only 39. Trigger I know. But she's a typical woman. Lies about her age. Del Yeah! Trigger So how's the family? Del Oh mustard. Raquel's boning up for an audition - a Shakespeare play. Trigger Yeah? Will it be on telly? Del No, no. Not this particular one. Most probably the West End, something like that. Trigger Hope she don't change. Del Raquel? Why would she change? Trigger Well, they start mixing with all them posh actors and the next thing you know they've changed. Del No, not my Raquel. Trigger My sister went out with an actor once. He played the cat in Puss-in-Boots. She suddenly thought she was more intelligent than the rest of the family. Del Yeah, but if you remember, Trig, you had the same problem with your goldfish... Oh, look who's here! Marlene is standing at the other end of the bar, her back to Del as she talks to one of the locals. Del moves along the bar and touches her up. Marlene Oops! (Sees it's Del) Oh, you! Del How are you, sweetheart? Boycie is standing by the entrance with the baby buggy and witnesses Del touching up his wife. He leaves the buggy with a couple of women who are talking to the baby. Del How's the baby? Marlene Oh he's lovely. He's there with Boycie. Boycie Good evening, Derek. Del Wotcher, Boyce. Just say- ing hello to Marlene. Boycie Yes, I noticed you approach my wife and shake her warmly by the 'arris! Marlene Oh shuddup, you miserable sod. He's just having a laugh. Del Just a giggle. What are you having? Boycie I'll have a large cognac. Marlene will have an orange juice. She's driving my son home in a minute. Del Michael. A cognac, an orange juice and my usual. Marlene I've got some pictures of the baby here. Del He's a little champion. Boycie He's got my eyes, ain't he? Del Na! His eyes are all warm and smiley. Boycie So are mine. Marlene My mum always said you had vampire eyes. Boycie Well, she should know, the old bat! Del He's got eyes like mine. He's got Mike's mouth, Rodney's nose and Trigger's ears. Boycie What are you saying? Del Nothing! Honest. Marlene Talking of Rodney. How is he now? Del He's alright, darling. He's having dinner with Cassandra tonight - trying to patch things up. Marlene Oh good. I suppose you've missed him, eh, Del? Del Who? Marlene Rodney. I mean, you must have missed him when he left your partnership. Del Oh yeah, I missed him like George Michael missed Andrew Ridgely. Del, Boycie, Mike and Marlene laugh at this. After a few seconds Trigger joins in - he doesn't know why. Tyler starts crying. Marlene Won't be a minute... Don't worry, Tyler, Mummy's coming. Boycie That woman's as soppy as a lorry-load of monkeys. I came home this evening to find that some salesman has flogged her a door bell that plays 36 national anthems. Trigger I got one of them. Boycie Yes, I'd have put money on that, Trig! The difference is I live in a mock- Georgian mansion in the Kings Avenue. Our neighbours are not gonna appreciate being awoken by the sound of Long live Swaziland every time the milkman calls. Del He still calling, is he? Boycie Yeah. And she's... And she's ruining that boy of mine - spoiling him rotten. We've got the most expensive nanny in the world, a 300-quid-a-term crèche and Marlene's just put in a takeover bid for Toys-R-Us! On the other hand, having a baby's changed my life. I used to be so happy. Now I'm up half the night stuffing Bonjella in his mouth, I'm too tired to sell me cars and I ain't been to the Masonic lodge for a month. You don't know how lucky you are. Del Not luck, Boycie. It's called shrewdness. Never again, that's my motto. I had all that Farex and Ostermilk lark years ago when Rodney was a sprog. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy - though I used to say a little prayer for you an' Marlene. Marlene (Calls) I'm off home, Boyce. Don't be too late. Boycie I'll be about an hour. You'll know it's me. I'll play Mexico forever on the front door. Marlene turns the buggy round so we can see Tyler. Marlene Wave to your daddy. Tyler waves. Boycie, Del, Mike and Trigger all wave back to the baby. Boycie reacts. Boycie gulps his drink back and walks off to join Marlene. Boycie Ain't funny! Ain't bloody funny! Del and Mike collapse with laughter. Trigger grins. INT. TRENDY RIVERSIDE RESTAURANT. NIGHT. A smartly dressed Rodney is seated at one of the tables overlooking the river nervously awaiting Cassandra's arrival. He turns to see Cassandra and stands. Cassandra arrives at the table. Cassandra Hello. They kiss politely. Rodney Oh hi. A waiter takes Cassandra's coat. Cassandra Thanks. They sit. Rodney (To the waiter) Thank you. (To Cassandra) So, how was Spain? Cassandra Oh, you know, OK. Rodney Good. Do anything interes- ting? Casssandra Not really. There was just mummy and me at the villa. To be honest it was a bit boring. Rodney I can imagine! No, I don't mean being in your mother's company is boring! I mean, she's not a boring person! Cassandra I know what you meant. Rodney Good... (Calls to the waiter) Excuse me. (To Cassandra) Would you like a glass of something? Cassandra I'll have the same as you. A waiter arrives. Rodney It's mineral water. Cassandra That makes a nice change. I was told you'd been drinking heavily. Rodney gives an embarrassed smile for the waiter's benefit. Rodney Heavily! Silly! (To Waiter) Could I have a glass of mineral water, please? (To Cassandra) I think your father was exaggerating slightly, Cassandra. Cassandra Daddy didn't tell me. It was Del. Rodney Yeah, well... Maybe I did go a bit overboard after - you know - we left each other. Cassandra You meant you left me! Rodney Same thing. Cassandra No it isn't! I didn't go anywhere, Roddy. I was at the flat waiting for you. You just didn't come home! Rodney Look, we came here to discuss things, not to argue! Cassandra You started it! Rodney No, I didn't! I went home while you were on holiday. I didn't know you'd put new locks on the door! Cassandra Yes, I should have told you. But that was no reason for you to kick the door in! Rodney I didn't kick the door in! I sorta... (Does shoulder gesture) ... that's all! Cassandra Why d'you go back? Rodney I wanted to surprise you. Waiter arrives with glass. Cassandra You did surprise me! I didn't expect to come home and find my husband had kicked the front door in! Rodney gives the waiter an embarrassed smile. Rodney (Taking glass) Oh thank you very much. (To Cassandra) Look, I've got as much right to enter that flat as you! We've got a joint mortgage, remember, from the bank? A pause. Cassandra And what about that girl you took out? Rodney I didn't take any girl out! Cassandra You asked a girl out! Rodney That was just to make you jealous. But it was a stupid idea and I never went through with it although, at this moment in time, it strikes me as one of my better moves! Cassandra Well, this is obviously going to be a total waste of a good evening! Just think of all the more interesting things I could be doing - like washing my hair. Rodney What about me? I've passed up the chance of seeing Del rehearse a Shakespeare play! People would pay a fortune for something like that, and I could have got it for free! Cassandra I came here this evening hoping that you and I could find some common ground on which we could base our future! But it's just pointless! I'm glad I found out this early in our marriage what you're really like! Your drinking, your bouts of violence! God, I can just imagine my future with someone like you! You really are the silliest, pettiest, most childish person I've ever had the misfortune to marry. Rodney realises what she is really saying. Rodney (With growing confidence) You fancy me, don't you? Cassandra tries to hide her smile. Cassandra No, I don't! Rodney Yes, you do, you little flirt, you! Cassandra (Laughing) Oh shut up! Rodney What I meant by surprising you was, I wanted to be in our flat when you got back. Not just to say welcome back, but be living there! That's why I got angry when I couldn't get in. Why d'you change the locks on the door for? Cassandra Because you walked out! Rodney I know, but I only went to post a letter! They both laugh. Cassandra Oh I hate you! I wanted this to be serious. I wanted to really tear into you! Rodney Oh that's why you asked to meet me? Cassandra I ask to meet you? You must be joking! Roddy, you're the one who did the asking. Rodney No, Del came home and said you wanted to meet me. You even suggested this venue. Cassandra Rodney, Derek brought a message round from you. He said you wanted to meet me at this rest...! They both now realise they have been set up. Cassandra Del! Rodney Yeah, Del! Git! Now neither of them can help but smile at Del's audacity. Cassandra So, what do we do now? Rodney (Shrugs) Dunno... D'you fancy show- ing me yer tan? Cassandra Yeah, alright. The waiter arrives. Waiter Can I take your order? Rodney No, I've lost my appetite. Cassandra Same here. The waiter shrugs and exits. Cassandra (Hands Rodney a key) That's the new key. Now there is urgency - they both want to get home. Cassandra I've got to go round to mummy and daddy's. I've left some of my stuff at their house. Rodney You won't be too long, will yer? Cassandra No, an hour or so. D'you remember your way home? Rodney I remember. Cassandra In case you get confused, we've got a new front door. Rodney (Smiles and nods) I'll see you in bed in half an hour. Cassandra Roddy! Rodney Sorry! Cassandra exits. INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. Del, Mike and Trigger are at the bar. Del is eating a hot dog. Trudy's laugh is heard again. Trigger (Referring to Trudy) You're gonna have trouble with that one, Michael. Mike Don't I know it? The sooner that minicab arrives, the better! Del Disgusting, innit, eh? I like a lady to act like a lady. I can't stand to see a woman staggering round a pub dropping crisps everywhere. Trigger I remember your mum. Del Yeah! What d'you mean? Trigger She was a lady, weren't she? Del Oh yes, Trig. She was a lady. She was the first woman in Peckham to smoke menthol cigarettes. Trudy laughs. Del (Referring to Trudy) I mean, just look at the state of that! I don't know how any bloke could admit to knowing her, let alone being seen in her company... Trudy (Calls) D-e-l! Del turns to look at Trudy. Del Blimey! Trudy leaves the two men, rushes over and throws her arms round Del's neck. Trudy How are you, darling? Del doesn't know her from Eve. Del Oh, triffic! Trudy How long's it been? Del How long's what been? Trudy Since we last saw each other? Del Have we met? Trudy You don't remember me? Trudy! Del Trudy? Were we engaged? Trudy Yes! Del Cor blimey! You've changed, sweetheart. Trudy Ain't we all, love? Hang on, I'll just get me drink. Trigger I don't remember her among your fiancées. Del Yeah, 1970. We were engaged for about a month. Trigger So it was one of your longer engagements? Del Yeah. We broke up after Rodney's pet mouse nested in one of her wings. The last time I saw Trudy was on a caravan site in Sheerness. In the middle of the night our caravan got hit by lightning. She went running out in the rain - no drawers and a polo-neck jumper. I've gone off that hot dog, Mike! Rodney enters. Rodney Del - we're back together. Me and Cassy, we've made it up. Del Well done, Rodders. I'm pleased for you, bruv. Rodney Mike, there's a minicab outside for someone. Mike That'll be for your ex- fiancée, Derek. Mike Take her out, will yer? Del Yes, yes, gimme a minute. Rodney (Looking across to Trudy) (To Del) Not another fiancée! Del I couldn't help it! I was young! You ain't left Cassandra out in the van, have you? Rodney No. She's gone to get some things from her mum and dad's house. I thought I'd pop in and tell you that I won't be home tonight. Del No, Rodney. You will be home tonight. Rodney Oh yeah, my real home! (Hands Del a key) There's your key back. Thanks for - you know - having me... Del Oh it was a... a pleasure, Rodders. Rodney Cassandra didn't ask to meet me, did she? Del Na. I lied. Rodney You're a conniving git! Del Did the trick though, didn't it? Rodney Yeah! Thanks, Del. Oh I've just seen Raquel and Albert getting off the bus. Del She's coming here? Oh Gawd! She mustn't see me with Trudy. Raquel gets very jealous. Trudy returns to Del and cuddles him. Trudy Tell me everything that's been happening! Del We ain't got time, sweet- heart. Your cab's waiting for you. Trudy Well, why don't you come back to my place? We can talk about old times. Del I can't right now, Trudy. I've gotta bit of business to attend to. Rodney, on your way out, escort this young lady to her cab, will you? Rodney Yeah. Come on, then. Rodney takes Trudy's arm. Trudy I'll see you, Del. D'you come in this pub often? Del No, it's the first time I've ever been in here, innit Mike? Mike That's right. Rodney leads Trudy out. Del Cor blimey! Talk about Fatal Attraction. EXT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. The minicab is waiting at the kerb. Rodney and Trudy exit from the pub. She has her arm round Rodney's shoulder. He has his arm round her waist in an effort to keep her upright. Trudy stumbles slightly. To stop herself from falling she puts both arms round Rodney's neck. He has both arms round her waist. They are now at the taxi. From a distance it would look as if they were kissing. Trudy Is this your car? It's a lovely car. Rodney tries to open the back door. Rodney Mate! Can you open the back door, mate? Rodney now reacts horrified as he sees Cassandra stopped by the pub in her car. Cassy does a double take as she sees Rodney and Trudy. Rodney shakes his head towards Cassandra as if to say 'No, it's not what you think!. Cassandra looks as if she is about to burst into tears, guns the car forward with a screech of tyres and roars off into the night. Rodney Cass! Cassy! Trudy slips to the ground, giggling. Trudy Rodney! Rodney walks away. INT. THE OUTER FOYER. RODNEY AND CASSANDRA'S FLAT NIGHT. Rodney, desperate and out of breath from running, enters from the door leading to the stairwell. He finds his front door key and fits it into the keyhole. He cannot open the door. Rodney (Calling) Cass! Cassandra! Unlock the door! Look, Cassy, we've gotta talk! That woman has nothing to do with me! She was some old sort Del was engaged to years ago! Cass, let's at least talk! He bangs on the door. Rodney Cassandra! Rodney lays his head forlornly against the door. He now presses the doorbell button and immediately one of Del's anthachimes plays the French national anthem. Rodney turns from the front door and, with the anthem playing in his ears, exits to the stairwell. INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. Del and Raquel are rehearsing As You Like It. Albert is in an armchair in front of the TV, which is on but has no sound. Raquel (As Rosalind, reading from the book) By no means sir, Time travels in divers paces, with divers persons, I'll tell you who time ambles withal, who time trots withal, who time gallops withal, and who he stands still withal. Del That's bloody good, Raquel. Raquel acts as herself - not wishing to lose the momentum - holding the book out for Del to read. Raquel Orlando! Orlando! Del Oh right! Del finds his place in the book. Del (Now in 'Richard the Third voice) I prithee, who doth he trot withal! Raquel (As herself) What are you doing? Del I'm acting. Raquel Well, don't! Just read it! Del I thought I'd put a bit of passion into it. Raquel No, I don't want you to. Just read it. Del Alright. Del reads from the book in his normal voice. Del (Reading) I prithee, who doth he trot withal? That alright? Raquel Yes. (As Rosalind) Marry, he trots hard with a young maid, between the contract of her marriage, and the day it is solemnis'd, if the interim be but a se'nnight, time's pace is so hard. that it seems the length of seven year. Albert When you gotta learn this by? Raquel Tomorrow morning. Albert laughs his laugh. Raquel Oh Del! He's right! I'm gonna make a real mess of this audition. Del No, you won't; you'll be terrific - won't she, Albert? Albert 'Course you will. And even if you're not, what have you lost? Raquel What do you mean, what have I lost? Albert Well, it's only a bunch of nancy actors doing a play that no one can make head nor tail of! Del (To Raquel) There you are! That's made you feel better, ain't it? (To Albert) You dozy old twonk! That is authentic culture, so keep yer gob shut. (To Raquel) Shall we continue? Raquel You sure you don't mind doing this? Del Of course not! I'm enjoying it. It's a blinding play. Raquel Thanks. Shall we start at the beginning? Del (Tiny moment of panic) No, no. Let's shift on a bit, eh? Raquel (As Rosalind) With a priest that lacks Latin, and a rich man that hath not the gout; for the one sleeps easily because he cannot study, and the other merrily... The front-door bell is heard playing the American national anthem. Del exits to hall. Del Saved by the door bell. Cut to hall. Del opens door. A dejected Rodney enters, having just returned from his own flat. Del What are you doing back here? I thought you were staying at yer own flat! Rodney We've broken up. Del Broken up? You've only been together an hour! What happened? Del follows Rodney to lounge. Cut to lounge. Rodney She saw me standing out- side the Nag's Head with me arm round bloody Trudy! Raquel You had your arm round another woman? Well, no wonder she's thrown you out! It serves you right, doesn't it, Rodney? Rodney Trudy was nothing to do with me! She was... (Del eyes Rodney not to say any more) She was... just a friend! Raquel Oh just a friend, eh? How many times have I heard that? I've got no pity for you, in fact you disgust me! It wouldn't do you any harm to take a leaf out of Del's book. Del Yeah. Raquel (To Del - referring to book) I'm gonna study this in the bedroom. Del Alright sweetheart. See you in a little while. Raquel exits to bedroom. Rodney glares angrily at Del. Del Don't look at me in that tone of voice, Rodney. I didn't know Cassandra would see you. Anyway, what was you doing with your arm round Trudy? Rodney Stopping her from falling flat on her bleedin' face! Albert D'you reckon Cassandra'll tell her dad? Del No. She'll keep it personal between her and Rodney. The phone begins ringing. Del and Rodney look at each other - they know it's Alan. Del (Cont'd) (Answers phone) Trotters Independent Traders PLC... (Falsely pleased) Alan. Rodney (Whispers) Don't say I'm here! Del (On phone) No, Rodney's not in. Rodney (Whispers) Don't say I'm out! Del You just said... (On phone) What I mean is he's not in the room. He's asleep in bed... Yes, of course. I'll give him the message. (Switches phone off) He said he wants to see you in work tomorrow, first thing in the morning. Rodney Oh Gawd! Del Don't worry. It's probably something to do with business. Me and Raquel are gonna carry on rehearsing in the bedroom. If you hear any funny noises, it's most probably be me doing me speech at Agincourt. Del exits to bedroom. Rodney Alan's gonna sack me. Albert He can't sack you. Rodney Of course he can. He owns the firm. Albert That printing shop of his is overloaded with work. He's got orders coming out of his ears. Everyone's working overtime and weekends. Rodney So what are you saying? He'll wait 'til the rush is over? Albert During the war... Rodney Oh please, Unc - not the U-boat and the fjord again! Albert ... we docked at Valletta, on our way to Greece. We had a chief communications officer on board, Tubby Fox. Rodney Funny name for a ship, innit? Albert That was the officer's name! Well, old Tubby liked to live it up then. He got the chance and then one night he was on duty when the skipper caught him in the radio room - a bottle of gin in one hand and a Maltese girl in the other. He put him on a charge and started court-martial proceedings. Rodney Albert - is there any point to this story or are you just rambling? Albert The navy had a wartime rule - only commissioned officers were allowed to control the radio room. Rodney Yeah, he's just rambling. Albert Now, Tubby was the only communications officer on board. So d'you know what he did? Rodney I don't care what he did! Albert He reigned his commission. Which meant? Rodney I don't know. Albert It meant the ship couldn't sail! The captain had no choice but to refuse to accept Tubby's resignation! Once he'd done that, he couldn't proceed with the court martial. It was checkmate. Rodney Oh I see! They needed him more than he needed them? Albert Exactly! What I'm trying to say is: realise your own importance. Tubby Fox did, and he went on to captain his own submarine- hunter. Rodney is now more relieved and much more at ease with his situation. Rodney Yeah! You're right! Cheers, Unc. Rodney exits to bedroom. Albert (Talking to himself) He died in Palermo harbour. Dropped a depth-charge - in nine feet of water. Albert shakes his head sadly at the thought of the memory. INT. A TRENDY CAFE/ EXT. STREET (CHURCH HALL). DAY. Del, power-dressed, with briefcase and filofax, is seated at a window table reading the Star, a cup of coffee on the table. He looks across the road at a small church hall, a sign outside of which reads: 'Auditions. 10.30-13.00.' Raquel leaves the church hall with Adrian the director. They both laugh as they make their way towards the café. Del quickly opens his briefcase, puts the Star inside and produces the Financial Times. INT. PARRY PRINTING WORKS. DAY. Rodney approaches Alan's office. He is holding a letter and appears apprehensive. He knocks on the door, then he summons up some courage and enters. There is no-one there so Rodney places the envelope on Alan's desk. INT. PARRY'S PRINTING WORKS/EXT. ALAN'S OFFICE. DAY. Rodney enters from Alan's office. As he does so, we see Alan approaching. He seems happy and excited. Alan Rodney! Rodney Oh... er... Alan. I've left a letter for you on your desk. Alan Yeah? I'll deal with it later. I wanted to talk to you. Rodney Yeah, Del said you wanted to see me. Alan Look, er... You remember we had lunch with Ron Carey from the Harvey's mail-order people? Rodney Vaguely. It was months ago. Alan Well, we've got the contract! Rodney You're kidding! Alan A three-year deal. We print all their junk mail, their catalogues and their office stationary. Rodney That's massive. Alan You're telling me! I think we can safely say we'll be eating turkey again this Christmas. Rodney No, I mean, how are we gonna handle it? We've barely got the staff or room to cope with our present workload. Alan We take on more staff and move to a larger workshop. That's what I wanted to see you about. I've been looking at some new premises. I'd like you to see 'em. Rodney Right! Where are they? Alan You know that new resident- ial estate out at Nunhead... EXT. PARKING AREA AT BAK OF PARRY'S PRINTING WORKS. DAY. Alan and Rodney exit and are approaching Alan's Jaguar. Rodney Alan. About last night. Alan Last night? Rodney What happened between Cassandra and me. Alan Oh that? Well, needless to say Pam and I were delight- ed at the news. Rodney Delighted? Alan Cassandra came home and told us that you two were back together. Rodney Oh yeah! But I wanted to talk to you about what happened after that. Alan Rodney, I'm a man of the world but I'm also Cassandra's father. I don't wanna know what happened after that! Know what I mean? Rodney Yeah! INT. THE TRENDY CAFE. DAY. Raquel and Adrian enter the café and go to the bar. Del joins them. She immediately sees Del and, at first, seems surprised and a bit put out by his presence. Del Alright, sweetheart? Raquel What are you doing here? Del Oh well, you know. I just happened to be passing. I thought I'd pop in and give you a lift home. Raquel Del, this is Adrian, he's the director. Adrian, this is Derek, he's... he's a friend. Adrian Pleased to meet you, Derek. Del And you, Ade, and you. So how'd she do? Adrian At the audition? Very well. Del Cushty. (To Raquel) See. Told you it would be no problem. They are moving to bar. Raquel You shouldn't ask questions like that! Del Oh shuddup. You're too picky, that's your problem. Adrian What can I get you? Raquel A small dry sherry, please, Adrian. Del Yeah, same here. Adrian (To bar person) And I'll have a kir. So are you in the business, Derek? The barman pours the drinks. Del The business? Oh, show business! Not exactly. Adrian But you're involved in some way? Del No... I'm an importer- exporter. Fine antiques, quality objets d'art, mobile telephones, that sorta thing. As Adrian picks up the sherries, Jules, the set designer, enters. He is 25, trendy and gay. He wears tight black leather trousers, an expensive, armless T-shirt and an earring. His hair is dyed blond and he wears a hint of make-up. A nod and a smile is exchanged between Jules, Raquel and Adrian. Del (Cont'd) Funny, you should mention it. While we're on the subject, Adrian, I am at this moment promoting a brand new line in computerised communications systems which I think could be right up your street. It's a musical doorbell. You press the button and... Adrian (Cuts in) Derek, this is Jules. Del turns straight into Jules' face and reels away quickly as if taken by surprise. Adrian Jules is our set designer. Jules, this is Derek, Raquel's... er... friend. Jules Hi. Del Alright? Jules (To bar person) Gimme some vitamin C. I feel absolutely wrecked. Del, Raquel and Adrian move away from bar with drinks in hand. The bar person pours the orange juice. Del Shall we go to the table? Adrian Yeah, fine. I'm gonna grab something to eat first. Raquel I feel a bit peckish as well. Del And me. Raquel (Whispers harshly at Del) Go and sit at the table. I need to talk to him. Del Alright! Raquel and Adrian move to the salad bar. Del sits at window table. He watches Raquel and Adrian, who are at the buffet table, chatting, and laughing. Jules now plonks himself down opposite Del. Jules They think I can design magnificent stage sets on peanuts! I mean, these people don't have a budget. It's more like a whip-round. Del Yeah, know what you mean. It's a bark, innit? As he sips his sherry he becomes self-conscious of the small, feminine sherry glass. Jules Feel my hands. Del Eh? Jules Feel my hands. Go on, feel 'em. Del (Touches Jules' palm tentatively) Oh yeah, 'orrible, ain't they? Jules That's callouses! I'm the set designer yet I have to help unload the lorries. Did I go to art college for three years for that? Del 'Course not! Jules No. Del simply doesn't know how to continue the conversation. Del See the match the other night? Jules Match? What match? Del England v Yugoslavia. Jules No, I'm not really inter- ested in football. Del Well, you're lucky! You were dead lucky! Some of the decision that ref gave were criminal. We was robbed, absolutely robbed. They showed the match on Grandstand. I said to my brother they should have had it on Crimewatch. Jules I tell you what I did watch. That Elizabeth Taylor film Cat On A Hot Tin Roof. Isn't she the most beautiful creature ever? Del Yeah, it's a shame she got fat, innit? Jules Oh but her bone structure! And her eyes! And her hair. Derek, her hair just cascades everywhere. I wish I had hair... Del now sees Rodney and Alan in the Jag outside in the street, parked at a garage right outside the café. Rodney spots Del and smiles, but his smile dies as he sees Jules sitting opposite Del. Jules is going on about Liz Taylor. His wrists have become limper and he is touching his eyes and hands. As Alan now looks with curiosity at Del and Jules, Del realises what they might be thinking and shakes his head at them. Alan and Rodney look at each other and then drive off. INT. THE TROTTERS'LOUNGE. NIGHT. Raquel, seated, is reading a typed letter. She seems worried. Del is at the bar pouring champagne. Albert is in an armchair, and Rodney is just finishing his dinner. Albert You've told us about 30 times already. I've never seen this place. but I feel like I could give you a guided tour. Rodney Well, I'm excited! I tell you, Alan is going places. Del He ain't the only one going places! I'll get all the hounds along for your opening night, Raquel... Raquel? Raquel Oh sorry. What d'you say? Del I said, I'll get all the boys there for the opening night. Boycie, Trigger, Mike. We'll give you a big cheer when you walk on. Make that Adrian mush think you've got a fan club already. Raquel. OK. Thanks. Albert Well, cheer up, gel. You got the part, didn't you? Raquel Yeah, I got the part, Albert. Del hands Raquel a glass of champagne. Del There you go, darling. Raquel Not for me, Del. Del But we're celebrating your good news. Raquel I've got this letter to read. It's got all the details of the play. I'd like to read it with a clear head. I'll see you in a little while. Raquel exits to bedroom. Albert What's up with her? Del Dunno. She's bin acting a bit off ever since she came out of that audition. Maybe it's being with that actors' crowd! Perhaps she feels she's a bit better than us now. Rodney Raquel's not like that! Del You don't know, Rodney. Acravat and a codpiece can turn a girl's head. The phone begins ringing. Rodney answers it. Rodney (On phone) Hello... Alan. I've just been telling Del and Albert about our new premises... What letter? (Horrified. He'd forgotten the letter) Oh that letter? Let me explain. You see, it was a token - a sorta gesture. The situation that existed then between Cassandra and I may have been causing you some embarrassment, and I wanted you to know that I was fully aware of it... Yes... Mm... Fine... Let me get this straight, Alan. When you say you've accepted my letter of resignation, what exactly do you mean? I see... Yes, thank you. Rodney switches phone off. Rodney just stands there, rigid with shock. Del You handed in a letter of resignation? Rodney Sort of! Del I don't understand, Rodney! Rodney I... er... thought it was best. Del You stupid little plonker! That's the best job you've ever had and are likely to have, and you've chucked it away! Rodney Listen. I am in control of my own destiny! I am my own man and I make my own decisions in this world. Del But why did you resign? Rodney (Indicating towards Albert) Because he told me to! Albert Me? I didn't say a word. Rodney You told me about that officer on your boat who resigned and saved himself from a court martial. Albert But that was different, son. Rodney How? Albert Well, he got away with it! Rodney I didn't think Alan would accept my resignation! Del But he did! Rodney I know he did! I thought I was too important to the firm. Del But you weren't! Rodney (Shouting at Del) I know I weren't! Bloody know that now, don't I? Del Alright, calm down. I've had a word with Alan, see if I can get him to change his mind. Rodney Too late. He's already got someone to take my place. Del That was quick, weren't it? Albert Bet your life he jumped at the opportunity. Rodney What's that supposed to mean? Albert No, no. I meant the bloke who's taken your place! Rodney Oh yeah, he jumped at it alright! It's my assistant. Del What, that young kid? Rodney Yeah. Del The spotty one? Only left school last year? Rodney Yes. Del Elvis? Rodney Yes. Del And he's doing what you were doing? Rodney Yes. Albert I heard that boy was an onion short of a stew. Rodney Who told you that? Albert You did. Rodney You must have misunderstood me, Albert. Elvis is not daft. Del There's no danger of him winning Blockbusters though, is there? (To Albert) He's the one who thought sugar diabetes was a Welsh flyweight. Rodney Look, he's just filling the gap until Alan finds someone of my expertise to take over. Albert It's just strange they should replace you with a silly boy. Rodney Just stay out of it, Albert! Del Oi, Oi, Rodney. You can't talk to an old hero like that! Rodney Well, he's getting on my bloody nerves, keeping on and on about it. Del You're just trying to pass the buck, Rodney. Well, it won't work. This is all yer own doing. You had a lovely wife, a lovely flat and the bestest job in the world - and you blew it! Rodney (Cannot find an answer) Who was that bloke you were having lunch with today? Del It was one of Raquel's party friends. Albert What bloke's that then? Del Just stay out of it, Albert. Del and Rodney turn their backs on each other. INT. DEL'S BEDROOM. NIGHT. Raquel, in dressing gown, is seated on the edge of the bed staring at the floor. Del enters in pyjamas and dressing gown. Del You OK? Raquel Yeah, fine. Del picks up the typed letter Raquel had been reading earlier. Del You read yer letter about the play? Raquel Yeah, I've read it. Del Look, sweetheart. If we've had a row, will you at least tell me about it? Raquel We haven't had a row! Everything's fine. Del No, it isn't. Ever since you met that Adrian and Jules and all the others at the audition, you've been different towards me. I mean, what is it? Maybe I'm not as good as your actor cronies, eh? Perhaps I embarrass you! Raquel Don't be stupid, Del! Del I saw your face, Raquel. When Adrian asked me about Hamlet and I said I preferred Castellas, I saw your face! So when d'you begin rehearsals? Raquel The tour doesn't start for another three months. Del Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people, don't it? Raquel Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you! Del So what's the problem? Tour? You said it was a tour! Raquel That's right. It's a nine- week tour of the country. Del I didn't know you had to go away! I thought it was just a play - you know, local... Oh I see it all now. Your head's filled with big theatres again! Applause, applause, the show must go on! Raquel We're not appearing in theatres. Del Well, if you're not appearing in theatres, what are you appearing in? Raquel Schools! Del Schools? Raquel Yes, schools. It's a co- project by the Education and Arts Council. We're supposed to take Shakespeare to the inner cities. Imagine what it might have done for me. Del Oh yeah. A few years from now you could have bin a dinner lady. Raquel Don't become like the others, Del. Putting down every little dream I have. Del I'm not putting yer dreams down, sweetheart. You know I'd never do that. I don't want you to leave me! I'm frightened you won't come back! Raquel I'm not going anywhere, Del. I'm turning the offer down. Del No, no. You mustn't do that. It's a good opportunity, Raquel, I was just being selfish. Raquel I can't do that tour, Del. Del Why not? Raquel Because I've read the play again and again and at no point does Shakespeare mention that Rosalind - is pregnant. Del Well, that's poetic licence ... innit... Did you say you was pregnant? Raquel (Nods slowly) I've done all the tests and ... everything is certain. Del Blimey! Raquel Are you angry? Del Angry? Del who still hasn't smiled, opens the bedroom door. Del (Calls) Albert! Get out of bed, you lazy old sod, and open the biggest bottle of champagne you can find! Tonight we celebrate! Raquel You're not angry? Del Angry? I'm gonna to be a daddy! I wanna phone every- one I know: I wanna have a party - I want someone to put on a fireworks display for us! Rodney, in pyjamas and dressing gown, arrives at the open bedroom door. Rodney What's all the fuss? Del Rodney... Just stay where you are. Albert arrives at bedroom door. Albert What's happening? Del Let me ask you two a question. (Pointing at Raquel) How many people can you see standing there? Albert and Rodney look at each other. Albert Well... one. Del I can see - two. Del and Raquel smile lovingly at each other and embrace. Rodney You know what this means, Albert? Albert No. Rodney Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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