Only Fools And Horses

The Sky's The Limit

INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/BEDROOM AREA. DAY. The table is laid for a healthy breakfast: half a grape- fruit, a packet of All-Bran, toasted granary bread, a pot of tea and a jug of orange juice. Also on the table is a tray which holds a cup and saucer (fine English china with a floral pattern) and an old white mug. There are also a couple of newspapers. The 'bed' on the settee is neatly made. Albert, in dressing gown and pyjamas, is pouring tea into the cup and mug, as he does he sings a modern pop song. Cut to hallway of bedroom area. Three doors: Del's bedroom, Rodney's bedroom and the bathroom. The door to Del's room opens and Raquel, wearing a nightdress and dressing gown, peers out towards the lounge where she can hear Albert singing and whistling. Del appears behind her. He is already power-dressed for the day. Del Well, go on then! Raquel Albert might come out here any second! Del So what? You're only going across there to the bathroom, Raquel. It's hardly a life-or-death sprint across no man's land! Raquel But what if he sees me? He doesn't know I'm staying in here with you. He still thinks I sleep in Rodney's old room and Rodney sleeps on the settee! We'll have to tell him the truth, Del. Del Yeah, I s'pose you're right, sweetheart. If it'll make you happy, you tell him. Raquel Me? I'm not telling him! It's embarrassing! He's your uncle, you tell him! Del Alright, I'll tell him. He don't bother me. Quick! Get back, he's coming!! Raquel and Del exit to bedroom and close door. Albert enters from the lounge carrying the tray and the newspapers. He knocks on Del's bedroom door. Albert Tea up, Del Boy. Del opens the door. Del Morning, Unc. Albert hands him the floral -patterned cup and saucer and the newspapers. Albert Morning, son. There's yer papers. Financial Times and Exchange and Mart. Del Cheers, Albert. I'll check the Tokyo closing prices at the breakfast table. Albert Yeah, please yerself, boy. Albert caries the old white mug across to Rodney's door and knocks. Albert (Calls) Raquel! Cup of tea, love... You awake? Raquel? I'll leave it outside for you, love. He places the mug on the floor outside door and moves towards lounge. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.DAY. Del is seated at the table sipping his tea and reading the papers. Albert enters. Del (Sniffing the air) Something smells good, Albert. Albert I'm just doing meself some egg and bacon. What d'you want for breakfast, something healthy or something nice? Del looks disdainfully at the half of grapefruit, etc. Del Yeah, do us a fry-up. But be a bit lively, though. I don't want Raquel seeing. She's into all this high- fibre cobblers. Albert (About to enter the kitchen) You managed to have a talk with young Rodney yet? Del (Busy reading the newspaper) What about? Albert What d'you mean, what about? He's left his wife and come back to live here! Del I know. But he's a full- grown adult now, so what am I supposed to say? Albert I don't know. You could appeal to his common sense. Del Oh yeah? Then after lunch I'll go out and find Shergar! Albert It's no laughing matter. Cassandra's gone to live in a foreign country! Del No, she ain't! She's gone to Spain. She's only there for a week. Her and her mum are just getting away from it all at the family villa. Talking of their family villa, I'm family now, ain't I? I could do with a break. I'm having a drink with Cassandra's dad tonight. I'll have to have a word with him. Albert He's down the pub every night boozing! Del Cassandra's dad? Albert I'm talking about Rodney! Del Oh, gonna say, Alan's teetotal. Having a drink with him is like going on a pub crawl with Betty Ford. Look, you don't wanna worry about Rodney. He's just a bit confused at the moment. Albert Yeah, he looked a bit confused when he come in last night. Confused as a newt! Still, at least he's making a bit of effort. (Indicates settee) Look, he made his bed before he went a work. Del Er... actually, Unc, Rodney didn't sleep on the settee last night. Albert (Too loud for comfort) Where'd he sleep then? Del (Reacting to the loudness) He slept in his old room. Albert I thought Raquel slept in there! Del cringes at the loudness of this conversation. Del Er... No! Albert (OOV) Where'd she sleep then? Del (Mumbles) I don't believe him!! (Calls) She slept... er... somewhere else. Albert Oh I see! Del breathes a sign of relief, believing Albert now understands the situation. Albert Where? Del Gordon Bennett! (Calls) If you could raise your voice by half a decibel they might be able to ear you in the Doodoyne! Albert enters from kitchen carrying a plate of sausage, egg, bacon, etc. Albert You mean she slept with you. Del Well... Yes! Here, don't you go saying nothing to her about it! Albert Don't she know, then? Del I mean, it might embarrass her! Albert No wonder you're looking so chirpy! Albert laughs. Del That laugh! Sounds like someone trying to push-start a Lada! Albert Here y'are, you can have my breakfast, build yer strength up. I'll cook meself another one. Del Cheers, Albert, you're a lifesaver. Lovely Jubbly! Raquel enters from the bedroom area, dressed casually for shopping. Del quickly pushes his plate of food over to Albert and pulls the grapefruit to him. Raquel moves to table. Raquel Morning, Albert. Albert Morning, love. Nice to see you back on yer feet. Raquel looks to Del. Del gives a facial shrug which says 'Yes, I've told him.' Albert D'you feel up to a bit of breakfast? Raquel No thanks. (Referring to Albert's breakfast) I don't know how you can eat that sort of rubbish, Albert. Del The Trotter family have been eating that sort of rub... food for generations. Albert It never did us any harm. My dad lived 'til he was 81. Del 81, see? That's a good age. Albert It weren't for him. He died! Del Yeah, I know. I meant... blimey! Raquel's right. I can't eat fried food any more. Gimme a nice grapefruit anyday. Raquel Good, that's what I like to hear. You've got some egg on your chin. Del just about resists swearing at being caught out by such a silly mistake. He wipes the evidence away. Raquel A doctor told you to stay off fried food! Del Yes, and a doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit, and look what happened to the poor cow! Alright, I know you're concerned for me, sweetheart, and I'm grateful. I'll leave it alone in future. Are you eating? Raquel No, I wanna get down to the shops before they're too packed. Del Come on, I'll drive you down there. I've gotta load of printing to deliver to Boycie. See you later, Albert. And you know what you can do with that rubbish! (Quietly) Put it in the oven - in the oven. Del, carrying his filofax and mobile phone, and Raquel exit to hall and front door. Front door closes. Albert is about to carry the plate into the kitchen when the door to the bedroom area opens and Rodney pops his head in. He looks typically hung-over - hair a mess, stubble and the whites of his eyes a light shade of crimson. He is wearing boxer shorts, socks and an 'I ran the world' T-shirt. Rodney Del gone to work? Albert Yeah. I thought you had as well! Rodney No, I... er... I sort of overslept when I woke up. Albert D'you want some breakfast? Rodney Yeah, I wouldn't mind a... Rodney has seen the remains of Del's breakfast and he reacts. Rodney (Cont'd) Ah, God! A glass of orange- 'll do. Albert exits to kitchen with plate. Albert You'd better get a move on, Rodney, it's gone nine. Rodney Well, to be honest, Unc, I don't feel well enough to go today. Would you ring 'em and say I won't be in? Albert (OOV) What's wrong with you, then? Rodney (Holding head) It's me stomach. It's sorta aching. Rodney picks up phone and begins tapping out numbers. Rodney I think I've got a viral condition. There's a lot of it about. Albert enters from the kitchen minus the plate. Albert Yeah, especially among the regulars at the Nag's Head. Rodney I have not got a hangover if that's what you're thinking! Alright, I had a drink last night. Albert And the night before, and the night before that! Albert takes the phone from Rodney. Rodney Oh shuddup! Ask for the personnel department. Albert (On phone) Oh, hello. Could I have the personnel department, please? (To Rodney) They wouldn't have the likes of you in the armed forces. Rodney Let's me out of World War Three then, dunnit? Albert (On phone) Oh, good morning. I'm calling on behalf of Rodney Trotter. He won't be into work today because he's... eh? What d'you mean, 'Who is he'? (To Rodney) Who are you? Rodney Who am I? The cheeky... Tell her I'm the ead... the head of the computer section! Albert (On phone) He's the head... the head of the computer section! Now Albert chuckles at some- thing the other person has said. Albert Yeah, that's him! Rodney looks up through bleary eyes with a 'what the hell are they laughing at?' expression. Albert Well, he won't be into work today. He's got a bellyache. Rodney (Horrified, mouthing the words) Bellyache? Albert (On phone) Don't know, dear. He might be a bit egg-bound. Rodney (Turning away cringing) Oh God! Albert (On phone) Yes, thank you, dear. Bye. (To Rodney) Alright? Rodney Alright? What d'you mean, alright? Why d'you tell her I've got a bellyache? Albert Thatís' what you've got, innit? Rodney No, it is not! Albert You said you had an ache. Rodney I have! Albert In yer belly? Rodney Yes! Albert Well, ain't that a belly- ache? Rodney No! Albert Well, I must have got the wrong end of the stick, Rodney! Rodney Bellyaches are what you have when you're tryna get out of schools sports day! Head of computer sections have viral conditions! Albert Well, whatever it is, they know you won't be in today. Rodney I don't think I can ever go there again for the rest of my life! Egg-bound! Del's voice is heard from hall. Del Albert, where have I left the keys to my van? Del enters from hall. Del (Cont'd) Quick, get that breakfast on the ta... Del is now surprised then suspicious as he sees Rodney. Del (Cont'd) I thought you'd gonna work! Albert He's not going a work today. Del Why not? Albert He's got a viral condition. Del What's that? Rodney A bellyache. Del Must have come on sudden, Rodders! You weren't feeling any pain at all last night! Rodney I know what you're think- ing! Del I bet you don't! Rodney Just 'cos I ad a couple of drinks, you automatically assume I've got a hangover! Del Have you looked in the mirror this morning? Well, I tell you, Rodney, you are not the fairest in the land! You look like you've just come back from a Club 18-30 trip to Chernobyl! Rodney Chernobyl's not too far from the truth! My love life has taken on a distinctly Russian ambience of late. Freezing bloody cold and the goods rarely turn up! Albert You don't wanna believe all you hear about the Russians. During the war... A low moan of dismay from Del and Rodney. Albert (Cont'd) ... I was in the Soviet Union for a while. Rodney Oh no, we're back in the USSR! Del They wouldn't let you into the Soviet Union! Gawd, they wouldn't let you into the plumbers' union! Albert I was dry-docked in Murmansk for over a month! And I met quite a few Russian girls - and I'm telling you they was hot stuff! Rodney Oh leave off, Albert! Del He could have a point, Rodney. I mean, look at that love-bite on old Gorbachev's head! Del and Albert laugh. Rodney starts to laugh but it hurts. Del Help us look for them keys, Rodney. I've gotta drop that stuff off at Boycie's. Albert, iron that pink shirt of mine. I'm meeting Alan for cocktails this evening. Rodney Alan? What, Cassandra's dad? Del Yes, Rodney. Your father-in -law, your employer! I don't know how much longer he's gonna stand for your old fun and games. How many days you had off recently with hangovers? You're gonna push that man's loyalty too far. Rodney I'm ill! Del Yeah, I'll tell him you've got the two-bob bits. Rodney A viral condition sounds better. Del And what do I say to him about this situation with you and Cassandra? Rodney Tell him I'm working on it. Del Oh that should cheer him right up, shouldn't it? Rodney stands and moves round the room looking for Del's keys. Del notices Rodney's limp. Rodney Where d'you leave yer keys? Del I don't know. Have a look in my bedroom. (Now genuinely concerned) Rodney, bruv, d'you want me to make an appointment with the doctor? Rodney No, no, I'll be alright. Del But you're limping. Rodney Yeah, me sock's soaking wet. Someone left a mug of tea outside my door. Del looks at Albert. Albert gives an embarrassed grin then exits to kitchen. EXT. BOYCIE'S BACK GARDEN.DAY. Duke is bounding around the finely manicured lawns chasing a ball and barking. Boycie, wearing pyjamas and dressing gown, is standing by his satellite dish and studying it with a frustrated expression. He looks up to the sky, as if checking the path of the next satellite, and adjusts the dish accordingly. Marlene is in the background putting Tyler into his buggy. She is dressed for a day out. Marlene Are we going out for the day or aren't we? Boycie Yes! We're going out for the day! But I am waiting for the engineers to call to check this thing over. They were supposed to be here at nine. Look at it, quarter to ten and no sign of 'em! Del Boy was supposed to bring my printing round as well. I suppose he's too busy with that woman - what's her name? Marlene Raquel. Boycie Yeah, the stripper. Marlene She is not a stripper! She's an actress! Boycie Oh really? Well, the last time I saw her she was acting the part of a stripper. Boycie laughs. He adjusts the aerial again. Marlene Isn't it working yet? Boycie Yes, it's working. It's just that I can't line it up with the satellites. (Looking skywards) I mean, how am I supposed to know where they are? Marlene You'd think they'd make 'em fly a bit lower, wouldn't you? Boycie Well, it wouldn't be a bad ide... Marlene (In babyish talk) Look, Tyler. There's your daddy playing with his new toy. Doesn't he look stupid? Boycie This is not a toy, Marlene! You are looking at two thousand pounds worth of state-of-the-art technology! Marlene That didn't cost you two thousand pounds! You got it 'ooky! Boycie (Cuts in quickly) Ssshhh, ssshhh! For Gawd's sake, Marlene! We've got a chief inspector living next door! Marlene I know. That's who you got it off of. Why couldn't we have got a cheap one from Dixons like everyone else? Boycie Because this is not for pleasure! This is a high- tech investment in my video-leisure company. This thing can pick up the whole of Scandinavia. I can then record films of the more adult variety and distribute them among my more discerning clients. Marlene You mean perverts. Boycie Well, if you wanna get medical about it, yes! Bronco, the decorator, calls from the front door. Bronco Boycie, you got a minute? Marlene (Referring to Bronco) He wants paying. And no messing around! You pay him! I know what a tight sod you are. And be nice to him. (Indicating temple) You know he's had problems! Boycie Alright, I'll be nice to him. Boycie bends down as if to kiss Tyler. Marlene Don't get your face too close. It scares him! Boycie exits through open French doors. EXT. BOYCIE'S FRONT GARDEN.DAY. Bronco places a few dust sheets and pots outside front door. Boycie, now irate, exits from front door. Bronco I've just finished. Boycie Oh you're finished alright. Look what you've done to my vestibule! There's paint on me carpet, paint on the chandelier, paint on me chippendale telephone seat! Bronco You can't help a drop or two of paint! Boycie A drop or two! It looks like someone's held an acid party in a Delux warehouse! Bronco Well, I'm sorry you're disappointed. What shall I do with the bill? Boycie Stick it! Where the mice won't get at it! I'm not paying! Bronco Hang about, Boycie. We had an agreement! You owe me 400 quid! We shook hands on it. Boycie I know. I had to wash the paint off afterwards! You either adjust your fee to take account of all the damage, or contact my solicitor. This is the last time I have a cowboy working on my property! Bronco I am not a cowboy! Boycie Not a cowboy! I've got spur-marks on me grandfather clock! Boycie exits to house, slamming front door closed. Del's van pulls into driveway. Bronco is now shouting through the letterbox. Bronco I don't like being called a cowboy! No one's ever called me that before!! Del (Pleased to see him) Bronco! Bronco Oh, wotcher, Del. Del How's yer luck, pal? Del approaches Bronco carrying his filofax and mobile phone. Bronco I've just bin working for Boycie, that's how bad it is! You'll never guess. That tight-arsed bark's only refusing to pay me! Accused me of being a messy worker. Del Well, you are a bit sloppy, ain't yer, Bronc? Mean, look at them overalls. Bronco But I'm a painter and decorator! Del I know, but I only sold 'em to you Tuesday! Bronco I asked Sandra to run 'em through the washing machine, but the landlord's cut our electric off. Del Landlord? I thought you bought a little flat down Lordship Lane? Bronco Building society evicted us. Del So where are you now? Bronco We're in a bed-and- breakfast hotel out near the airport. Del Oh, well, handy if you like planes, innit? Bronco Yeah, we're at the end of the main runway. Del Cushy! Here, how's your little Kylie these days? Bronco She broke her arm. Del No! Bronco Climbed up on a chair to look at a plane. Del It's a bit grim, ain't it, Bronco? Bronco Maybe I should tell Boycie, eh? Give him a sob-story. Del A sob-story to Boycie! That's the man who cheered when Bambi's mum died! Bronco I don't understand my luck lately. If it can go wrong, it's gone wrong! A roof I re-tiled has just collapsed. Last week I rewired a bloke's flat, yesterday it caught fire... Oh, by the way, here's my business card in case you ever want anything done. Del Cheers, I'll keep it handy. Del screws the card up and throws it behind him without Bronco seeing. Bronco I've worked hard to build up this business, and I've always led an honest life. Well, I've kept out of trouble for the last five years, ain't I? Del Oh yeah. But being banged up in Wandsworth prison helped, didn't it? Bronco And why did I go away? Del Because you have a tendency to nick stupid things! I mean, you were caught speeding down Streatham High Road in a knocked-off JCB! Look, mate. You've got a few, you know, problems, and... Bronco What d'you mean, problems? Del Well, that psychiatrist said you had some sort of paranoia. Bronco You can't take any notice of him, Del. He always had it in for me. Del Yeah, didn't think of that. (Producing a wad of money) Listen, Bronco, d'you wanna few quid to tide you over? Bronco No. Nice of you, Del. I'll get me money one way or the other. See you around. Del If you need any help, give us a bell... Stay lucky. Del winces at what he has just said. Bronco drives out in his van. Del rings front door bell. Boycie opens door. Del I've brought your printing round. Boycie He's gone, has he? Good. He's been decorating my vestibule - made quite a good job of it, as it happens. I'm well pleased. Del (Astounded) But you've refused to pay him! Boycie No, no, Del Boy. I've refused to pay him the agreed price. It's principle. I kick up a fuss, he don't want the aggro or the publicity so he knocks 50 per cent off for good will. He gets a living wage and I save two hundred notes... It's good business. Del But Bronco's got Sandra, Kylie and Rachmann to keep going! Del opens back of van. It is loaded with cardboard boxes on which is printed: 'Parry-Print'. Boycie (Gestures to house) Does this look like the Social Security to you? I mean, who is he, anyway? Del He's yer brother-in-law! Boycie D'you think I like having a certified nutter working in my house? I only give him the job to help him out. Talking of in-laws, it's bloody handy Rodney working for his father-in-law's printing firm. I mean, look at all this at half-price, eh? Does Alan know about this? Del He wouldn't mind if he did. Rodney is totally in charge now. That firm couldn't operate without him. Boycie Yes, I always had faith in the boy. Del Yeah, so did I. You've ordered a lot this time, ain't yer? Boycie (Picking up one of the boxes) Yeah. I thought I'd get in now before Rodney gets the sack. INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. The bar is sparsely crowded. Albert is playing the piano - 'Red Sails in the Sunset' - but none of the customers takes any notice. Mike, leaning on the counter and looking in Albert's direction, appears to be in a reflective mood. Trigger, in his suit, is seated at the bar. Mike (To Trigger without actually looking at him) I've been thinking about getting one of them electric pianos. Trigger Yeah? They sound a lot better, don't they. Mike That's right. And you can switch 'em off. Still, at least my ban on his singing has worked. Last night it was Trotter the younger and his dopey mates. Were you here last night? Trigger Most probably. Mike There was Rodney, Mickey Pearce and that Jevon, dancing and poncing around pretending to be Ninja Turtles. They'd all had far too much to drink. Trigger Don't want that sort of thing in a pub, do yer? Mike No, you don't! Albert starts singing the last verse. Albert Red sails in the sunset, way out on the sea, oh carry my loved one, safe home to me. Trigger He's singing. Mike I know. Trigger Does he know you banned him? Albert takes a bow. One person applauds out of politeness and he joins a couple of old boys playing dominos. Del, now wearing a different suit and the pink shirt he had asked Albert to iron earlier, enters carrying his aluminium briefcase and the mobile phone. Del (To Mike and Trigger) Au revoir to you both. Trigger Del Boy. Mike What you having? Del Give us a peach daiquiri and a chipolata sandwich. Any sign of Alan? He's supposed to be meeting me here for a drink. Mike He ain't been in so far. Trigger (To Del) Saw Boycie about 'arf an hour ago. He didn't even stop to say hello. Seemed in a right mood. Del I bet Marlene's taken the Velcro off his Y-fronts again. Alan enters, hurrying. Alan Sorry I'm late, Del. Pam just phoned from the villa. Del No problem, Alan. What are you drinking? Alan Just a tomato juice for me. Del Add a tomato juice to my order, Mike. We'll be at the table. Alan Del, you've most probably been wondering why I asked to meet you tonight. Del Been wondering? Well, of course not! I couldn't think of anything more natural than relatives having a drink together. Alan Relatives? Del You and me. We're family, aren't we? Alan Well, we're... kind of related - sort of. Del No sort of about it, Alan! When your Cassandra married a Trotter you all became Trotters - maybe not in the eyes of the law, but certainly in the eyes of my heart. Oh yes, Alan, you are my family. Anything of mine is yours for the asking - and I'm sure it works the other way round... dunnit? This villa of yours... Alan (Cuts in quickly) What happened to Rodney today? Del Rodney? Oh yes. He's got a touch of viral condition. Alan Yeah, the lady in personnel said he had the two-bob bits. Del Oh, it's worse than that, Alan. He really is very poorly. Alan You called the doctor in? Mike arrives with drinks. Del I wanted to but he just wouldn't let me. It's his uncle's influence. Rodney's trying to be a British bulldog. Mike Last night he was tryna be a Ninja Turtle. Del reacts. Alan D'you mean Rodney was down here last night? Mike Down here? He was down here, up there, all over the place! Drunk as a sack, he was! If he hadn't been spending so much on drink I'd have thrown him out. Mike returns to the bar. Del This viral condition comes on very sudden. Alan Alright, Del. Cards on the table. This situation with Rodney is what I really came to see you about. So tell me, what the hell is happening? Del He's... he's drinking too much and pretending he's enjoying it. Alan That's why he's been having so many days of work recently. Del Yeah. Most of the time he's feeling and looking horrible. I've told him. If he carries on much longer he'll be a dead-ringer for Keith Richards. I mean, he looks like an extra from Halloween already. Alan What d'you think's brought it about? Del Who knows? Sorta life he's been leading, I suppose. Late nights, booze, women, drugs. Alan Rodney? Del Oh Rodney! Oh sorry! Thought you meant... Well, it's obvious, innit? It's this thing between him and Cassandra. Alan Yeah, that's what I feared. I always had such high hopes of them two. What with her experience at the bank and all her studies, Cassandra's had a very good business grounding and she's got an alert mind and lots of original ideas. And Rodney's... Rodney's a very trustworthy person. Del Oh he's a diamond, Alan, a diamond. Alan Exactly. I'd always hoped that one day I could leave the business to them two knowing that I'd left it in good hands. Del Like a dream come true, innit? I mean, you could fall off the perch in peace, couldn't you? Alan Well, I wasn't actually talking about falling off the perch, Del. I meant I could retire. Del Oh, of course!! Alan Pam and I have always planned to settle down in our villa in the sun. Del You'd have no worries, would yer? If Rodney and Cassandra got in trouble with the business I'd always be round to take control. Alan Er... well... we're about the same age, Del, so by that time you'd be retired too. Del Didn't think of that... Well, I could spend a few months over in the villa with you and Pam. Alan Oh yeah. Wait 'til I tell her. Del You and Pam, me and Raquel. You can just picture it, can't yer? Alan Yeah. Del We'd have a right laugh. Few sangrias, bit of fried squid. Lambarda the night away. Lovely Jubbly! Shall we have a drink to celebrate it? Alan No, no, I don't touch it nowadays. Del Talking of your villa... Mike calls from bar, holding telephone receiver up. Mike Del. Call for you. Del Who is it? Mike Someone called Blonco or Bronco. Del Sorry about this, Alan. It's a very, very important business associate of mine. Mike I'd hurry up if I was you. He sounds like he's had a skinful. Del (An embarrassed smile to Alan) Do excuse me. Del goes to phone. Trigger turns to Alan. Trigger You never know what you've got 'til it's gone. Alan Eh? Yeah, I suppose you're right, Trig. Trigger I know how much it can hurt. I had a relationship break up a few years ago. She worked at my council depot. Mike She was a ladyroad-sweeper? Trigger Oh no! She was management - real high-flier. You had to go to her when you wanted a new broom. Linda. Nice girl. Had a funny eye. Never knew if she was looking at me or seeing if the bus was coming. Anyway, she heard about this little hotel out near Henley-on-Thames and she said to me, 'How about spending a weekend there?' Trigger winks. Mike and Alan are hanging on the next words. Del (On phone) So what sorta money we talk- ing? I'll pop round and have a look at it, Bronc. Mike (To Trigger) Yeah? Trigger What? Alan Well... Was it a nice weekend? Trigger Yeah. Well, at least I thought it was... but she didn't wanna see me no more after it. Alan Well... er... I don't like to pry, Trig... Mike No, it's a bit personal. Del (Hand over the mouthpiece of phone) What happened? Trigger She got jealous. I heard later, through friends, that she wanted to go with me. Alan Give us a large scotch, Mike. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/HALLWAY/BALCONY. DAY. Raquel is hoovering the rugs. Del is talking to someone on his mobile phone. The balcony doors are open. Del is struggling to hear above the sound of the hoover. Del (On phone) Eh? Speak up, Leroy. Albert enters from the bedroom area. He points to a spot on the floor in front of balcony doors. Albert There's still a bit of mud and dirt over here, love. Raquel Thank you, Albert! Albert Pleasure, dear. Albert exits to kitchen. Del (On phone) Say it again, Leroy... Eh?... Raquel, sweetheart. Switch the J Edgar off, will you? I'm on the mobile blower. Raquel Sorry! Raquel switches the hoover off. Del (On phone) Now, what was you saying? Eh? Can't hear you, Leroy! Can you hear me? Eh? (Mumbles) Stuff this for a game of soldiers. (Pressing the OFF button) Oh dear, we got cut off. Gawd knows what he wanted. Raquel Del. Can I ask you some- thing? Del Anything you like, darling. Raquel Before I moved into this flat how did you keep this place clean? Del We didn't. Raquel What I'm trying to say is: I seem to spend all my time hoovering. Del Well, have a break. There's a lot of ironing to be done in the kitchen. Del turns away, grinning. He stares at mirror and splashes his face with after- shave. Raquel is smiling. She knows he's joking. Raquel For your sake I hope that's a joke, Trotter! Otherwise you'll be drinking that aftershave! Del Sit down, put yer feet up. I'll make us a nice cup of tea... Albert, put the kettle on and make some tea. Rodney enters from hall, dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase. He is not in the best of moods. Raquel You home for lunch, Rodney? Rodney No. Alan's given orders for me to go and pick Cassandra up at the airport. (To Del) Oh by the way, I met Leroy this morning. He was complaining like mad about that mobile phone you sold him. I told him to give you a ring. Del Oh right, thanks, bruv. So, you had a little chat with Alan? Rodney No, he left a message with his secretary. Alan wasn't at work today. He's got some sort of virus. Del (Casual and innocent) Oh? Rodney Why's he want me to pick Cassandra up? Raquel Well, I think it's a good idea! It'll give you and Cassandra a chance to have a chat. Rodney I'm not talking to her! She weren't talking to me before she left, so I'm not talking to her now! Raquel Oh, grow up, Rodney! Rodney It's nothing to do with you, Raquel! (At Del) Or you! Del Don't have a pop at Raquel! Rodney Well, both of you stay out of my life! Rodney exits to balcony. Del That is one touchy little sod, that is! Raquel Don't come down too hard on him. He's going through a bad patch. Del Yeah? He'll be going through a bleed'n' window if he don't mend his ways! The front door bell rings. Raquel I'll get it. Raquel exits to hall. Raquel opens door to Boycie. They appear not to like each other. Boycie Oh it's Raquel! You look so different fully clothed. Raquel Hello, Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in? Boycie Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low. Raquel Well go on then, go in. Boycie You're too kind. Cut to lounge. Boycie and Raquel enter. Del is still in a mood over Rodney. Del What d'you want? Boycie Oh dear. Do I detect an atmosphere in chez Trotter? Albert It's most probably Del's aftershave. (Catches the glare from Del) I'll make the tea. Albert exits to kitchen. Raquel I think I'll go out to the balcony with Rodney. I could do with the air. (At Boycie) I suddenly feel rather nauseous. Boycie reacts as Raquel exits to balcony. Boycie You've got one in a million there, Del Boy. Del I know! So what brings you round? Boycie Well, you may have heard, Derek, that I recently acquired a rather expensive piece of electronic hardware. A television satellite aerial receiver. Del No, I didn't know. Boycie Oh yes. And I'm not talking about one of these 150 quid Mickey Mouse jobs you see glued to the side of reclaimed council houses ruining he beauty of the stone cladding. Oh no, I'm talking two grand, hi-tech, state-of-the-art sophistication. Del Steady on, Boyce, you're making me jealous. Boycie You're not the only one. Yesterday some git nicked it! Del You're kidding? Boycie When I went out in the morning it was standing there in my back garden. When I come home later... Del It wasn't! Boycie You catch on fast, Del. Del So what you telling me for? Boycie Because the word is a very similar satellite receiver was seen entering this estate tied to the back of a lorry. So if any of your... er... contacts should offer you an almost new aerial dish, then you buy it for me as cheap as possible. Offer 300, but I'll go to 500 at a push. Del You wanna buy your own property back? Why donít you go to the gendarmes? Boycie (Nervy) I thought I'd save a lot of time doing it this way. Know what I mean? Del Yeah, I know what you mean. I'll keep my ear to the ground. If I ear anything I'll give you a bell. As Boycie moves to hall door, Raquel and Rodney enter from balcony. Boycie Goodbye, Raquel. Glad to see you've settled in so well. Raquel Is your son about 11 years old with a Mohican haircut? Boycie Good God, no! Raquel Well, who's that sitting in your Mercedes? Boycie reacts and exits through hall and front door. Del and Rodney laugh at this. Del You feeling any better? Rodney Yeah. Sorry about just now. Del Forget it... What you gonna do then? Rodney Dunno. Raquel D'you want your marriage to work? Rodney Yeah. Raquel Really? Honestly? Rodney Yeah, really, honestly. I want me and Cass to go back to the way we used to be. If she wants to pursue her career and has to go to functions and seminars at the bank, then I don't mind any more, I really don't. Del Well, how about telling her that? 'Revenons ŗ nos moutonst' as the guv'nor of the Bastille said as the flames licked round his old April. It's French for 'I've gotta do something, quick!' Rodney With Cassandra, I had a woman I loved. A woman who said she loved me... Now I find myself halfway between paradise and Nelson Mandela House... I just want her to under- stand and believe that I mean what I say! I've tried everything in my power to convince her. I feel as if I've taken the mountain to Muhammad only to find he's already bloody got one! Rodney's anger forces him up from chair to balcony. Del, indicates Rodney and the fact that this should be a private conversation. Del (To Raquel) I'll er... Raquel Yeah, go on. Del exits to balcony. Rodney is leaning against the guardrail looking out at the world. At this point we can see only half of the balcony. Del Why do you think Alan asked you to pick Cassandra up from the airport? Rodney 'Cos he weren't feeling well. Del No. It's because Cassandra and her mum have bin sitting by their swimming pool in Spain having the same conversation that you and me just had. She feels exactly the same as you do. Rodney Cassandra? Del No, her mum! Of course Cassandra! Rodney Really? Del Really... You've got some money, ain't you? Rodney, at first is emphatic, then remembers who asked the question. Rodney Yeah, I've got money! Well, you know, some! Del Well, I've got an idea. I know the manager of a luxury hotel not all that far away from the airport. I used to go there sometimes during the mating season. Now he could set you up in the bestest suite in the hotel, the full works. So when Cassandra flies in - all suntanned and relaxed - you could be waiting with a lovely bouquet and the keys to the bridal suite. A mini- honeymoon - 18 months after the first. Rodney D'you think it'll work? Del Yer best whistle, a splash of Brut, you'll be home and dry! Rodney Go on then, I'm game! Del Good boy. You know it makes sense. I'll give him a bell. Rodney Listen. You know I said I've got some money? Well, since I've been working for Alan I've been doing really well. I know you've been struggling a bit lately, so if you want any, it's there. Del Oh, Rodders. You are the jewel in Mum's crown, Rodney, you really are! Rodney Oh shuddup! Del It's nice of you, bruv, and I appreciate it. But I ain't doing too bad. I've got money coming in from that half-price printing... (Gesturing to the unseen side of balcony) And I should make a nice bit of bunce on this thing. The other half of the balcony is taken up by a large satellite aerial dish. Although it should look similar to Boycie's dish there should be a few subtle differences. INT. A LUXURY HOTEL SUITE. NIGHT. Only the bedside lights are on. The main door is opened by Rodney, who is carrying his flight bag. Rodney surveys the room and is pleased by what he sees. Henry, the concierge, enters carrying a bottle of champagne in a bucket of ice. Henry Good evening, Mr Trotter. I am Henry, your concierge. Your brother phoned and said you would be requiring our very finest suite, complete and utter privacy and a full English breakfast. Rodney Oh yes, thank you. Henry As this booking is of an intimate nature I think it would help to maintain a degree of privacy if we dealt only in cash. Rodney Oh yes, of course. Henry That will be a hundred and fifty pounds then. Rodney A hundred and f...! Oh right, fine. Rodney produces some notes from his wallet. Henry As a special surprise, Derek also ordered champagne on ice. Only the finest champagne he said. Money is no object. Rodney Oh that was nice of him. Henry That will be another seventy pounds please. Rodney (Handing more money over) He can be very generous at times, can't he? Henry I believe you have a guest joining you? Rodney Yes. Rodney begins testing the springs of the bed. Henry So it's a special evening? Rodney Yes. My wife will be land- ing in about an hour. Henry I see. Well, don't worry, if she should call at the hotel, I'll say I've never heard of you. Rodney No, you don't understand. My wife is my guest. Henry Your wife? Oh well, it takes all kinds! Would you like me to order you a bouquet of flowers? Rodney No thank you, my brother got me a bouquet of flowers. They're out in the va... car. INT. AIRPORT LOUNGE. NIGHT. We see Rodney is standing in a large crowd at the arrivals area. He is holding a large bouquet of pink flowers. Rodney forces his way out of the crowd in the arrivals area and makes his way across to an information desk. In front of the desk travelers are demanding information. Behind the desk the ground staff are trying to deal with customers as best as possible. Rodney calls to a stewardess who is talking on phone. Rodney Excuse me, miss. Stewardess Just one moment, sir. (On phone) I'm afraid the flight from Geneva has been cancelled, madam... I shouldn't think it will be arriving until sometime tomorrow... I'm very sorry. (Replaces receiver. To Rodney) Can I help you , sir? Rodney Have you any idea when flight 475 from Malaga will be arriving? Stewardess I'll just check. She punches up some information on the computer screen. Stewardess (Cont'd) 475... That flight should be landing in about ten minutes, sir. Rodney Oh good. Stewardess In Manchester. Rodney Manchester? Stewardess I'm afraid it was rerouted. Rodney But I'm waiting for my wife! I've got a hotel suite - I've got a bottle of champagne - I've spent nigh on 200 quid waiting for this flight! Stewardess I'm very sorry, sir. As you can see, the airport's in absolute chaos at the moment. Your wife was lucky to take off at all. The phone rings. She answers. Stewardess (Cont'd) (On phone) Information, can I help you? Rodney turns away, shoves the bouquet into a litter bin and walks towards the exit doors. INT. NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. A disconsolate Rodney is seated at table having just returned from the airport. He is eating a packet of pork scratchings. Raquel is seated next to him and trying to cheer him up. Del is at the bar ordering a drink. Trigger is seated further along the bar. Raquel The important thing is she landed safely. Rodney Yes, in Manchester! I mean, so much for my surprise! Nearly 250 quid it cost me! I thought by now me and Cassandra would be sitting in our honeymoon suite sipping champagne and... and looking at her holiday snaps. D'you know how much tonight cost me? Raquel About 250 quid. Rodney Two hundred and fifty quid it cost! Cut to bar. Del Michael. Give us an non- alcoholic lager for the stud over there. Del indicates Rodney. Mike What's up with him tonight? Looks like he's just come back from a funeral. Mike places the open bottle of lager on counter. Del In a way he has! I can't say too much, Mike. It's all very personal and private. Let's just say Rodney thought he would be enjoying the fruits of love and he's ended up with a packet of pork scratchings. Raquel and moi will have a glass each of your very finest cognac. Mike Celebrating something, are we? Del At this very moment, Michael, I have 500 smack- eroonies en route to this pub tucked up safely in Boycie's pocket. Mike Boycie's paying out 500 notes? What's happened? He had a whack on the head or something? Del We'll say no more about it, Michael - wheels within wheels - pour passer le temps, as they say in Nice. Keep the change, Mike. Del takes the drinks to the table. Del There you go. Rodney Cheers. I had such high hopes for tonight. Del I know. I could see it when you walked in. Rodney Thanks for ordering that champagne on ice, Del. Del No problem, bruv. He gave you the best stuff, didn't he? Rodney Oh yes, 70 quid's worth. Del Good. A lady like Cassandra only deserves the best. Bloody pity she's up in Manchester, innit? Rodney Yes, it is. Raquel Still, you can talk to her tomorrow. And she'll know you went out to the airport to meet her, her dad'll tell her. Rodney Yeah, that's true. At least I made the gesture and that's what counts. Albert enters and joins them. Albert Cassandra's up north. Rodney I know she is! How'd you know? Albert She just phoned from Manchester airport, wanted you to know she was safe and not to worry. Raquel Where'd you say Rodney was? Albert I said he was spending the night at some hotel. Del But did you tell her which hotel? Albert I couldn't remember its name so I gave her the phone number. Rodney But you told her I'd gone to meet her at the airport? Albert Of course not! It was supposed to be a surprise! Rodney and Del speak together. Rodney You daft old sod. Del You garrity old git! Rodney She'll phone the hotel to discover that I've booked the honeymoon suite in the name of Mr and Mrs Trotter! Del She'll think he's gone caseo with some tart for the night! I don't know how you're gonna talk your way out of this one, Rodney. Rodney If you hadn't suggested booking into a hotel for the night, none of this would have happened! Del I didn't hear you object too much! It was your hormones that were on turbo, not mine! Raquel Look, why don't you phone Alan? He's bound to speak to her soon so he can explain. Rodney Good idea, Raquel. I'm going back to the flat to phone him. Del You can use my mobile. (Pause) Best go back to the flat and phone him. Raquel You can give me a lift back, Rodney. (To Del) You coming? Del indicates counter where Boycie has just arrived. Del Not yet, sweetheart. My money's just walked in. Rodney, Raquel and Albert exit. Del joins Boycie. Del Don't hand over that 500 quid over in full view of everyone - I've heard intensive care ain't all it's cracked up to be. Boycie You're in no danger what- soever, Del Boy. I ain't handing you a penny. Del Now just a minute, Boycie! I got your satellite dish back for you. Boycie No, you didn't, Del. At this very moment in time, my satellite dish is standing in my back garden and picking up a very exciting episode of Wagon Train from Helsinki. Del But you said it had been nicked! Boycie That's what I thought. But I discovered this evening that, while Marlene and I were out for the day, the engineers took it away for repair. Del Well, what's that thing I've got on my balcony? Boycie I don't know, Del. And to be perfectly honest I couldn't give a monkey's toss. Boycie walks away laughing. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. BALCONY. NIGHT. Albert is seated in armchair trying to correct the fuzz- ing and sissing on the TV screen. Rodney is on the phone waiting for his call to be answered. Raquel is scanning a black address and phone book (Del's little black book). Del, an exotic cocktail in hand, is pacing the floor in agitation. Rodney (Impatiently on phone) Come on, Alan, answer! Raquel I can't find anyone called Bronco in your address book. Del Even if you found his name it'd do no good. He moved a little while ago. Raquel There's a lot of women in here. Del Eh? Oh, just acquaintances. Raquel Why have you put stars by some of their names? Del (Shrugs innocently) Gawd knows. Long time ago. (Snatching book from her) Let me have a look. Rodney switches the phone off. Rodney He's not in. I bet he's driving up to Manchester to pick Cassandra up. I can just see it all now. She'll tell Alan I've booked into a hotel with another woman - he'll sack me. Cassandra'll divorce me... (To Albert) ... and it's all your fault! (To Del) And yours!! Del Oh shuddup, you tart! I've problems of me own. Albert So have I! I just cannot get a picture from your satellite dish! Del Just leave the telly alone, will yer? I've gotta get in touch with Bonco, find out where the idiot got that receiver from. Albert I thought you said he gave you his card. Del He did. And I filed it somewhere behind Boycie's geraniums. Rodney If only that airport hadn't been in such a mess her plane would have landed at Gatwick and everything would have been great. I bet the air-traffic controllers have gone on strike in France again. Del That's it, Rodney, that's where he's moved to. Raquel France? Del No, Gatwick! He's in some little bed-and-breakfast hotel. Raquel But you can't remember what it was called? Del No. It was named after someone famous. Rodney Well, that's narrowed it right down, hasn't it? Uncle, would you pop in my room and fetch my 37 volumes of famous historical characters? We'll soon have this sorted out, Del Boy. Del Don't get bloody sarky with me, Rodney! A painter! That's it, it was named after a painter! Well, come on, Bamber, this is your area. Rodney Yeah, alright. A painter... Michelangelo? Del No. Raquel Rembrandt? Picasso? Del No, no. Rodney Rubens? Van Gogh? Del No. Rodney Botticelli? Del No. Raquel Turner? Del No, no. A famous French painter. Rodney A French painter? Why didn't you say he was French? Del I just told you he was French! Rodney Bloody 'ell! Raquel Monet? Del No. Rodney Manet? Del She just said that! Rodney No, she said Monet. Del That's what I mean! Pay attention, Rodney. Albert Adolf Hitler used to be a painter. Raquel I don't bel...! How long's he been French? Rodney And who in their right mind would call their place the Hotel Hitler? Raquel A famous French painter. Lautrec? Del No. Rodney Renoir? Del No! French! Rodney Degas, Boudin, Pissaro, Seurat, Tissot? Del (A moment's hesitation) No! Albert Schubert. Raquel Schubert? Rodney Schubert! You soppy old... Del (Cuts in) That's it! The Hotel Schubert! Raquel Schubert? Del Well done, Unc. (Scanning Yellow Pages) I don't know, he's got all these GCEs and it takes an old sea dog to come up with the answer. Rodney You said a French painter! Schubert weren't French! Del No? Rodney And he weren't a painter! Del finds the number in the Yellow Pages. Del Ah, here it is! Del starts punching out numbers on the phone. Raquel (To Albert) Schubert was a German composer! Albert Austrian, actually. Rodney How did you know? Del Shut up! I'm on the blower. (On phone) Oh good evening. Could you put me through to Mr Lane's room, please? Thank you. Raquel Shall we just leave the satellite dish and watch the ordinary telly? Rodney Yeah, let's watch the news. They might have another report on the ecological destruction of our planet - anything to cheer me up. Del (On phone) Bronco? It's Del Boy. Listen, pal, about that satellite dish you sold me. Where exactly... eh? What you apologizing for? Alright, alright, you were desperate and you had a funny turn. I can under- stand that. Rodney's living back with us... Well, of course I know what it is! It's obvious what it is! It's a satellite receiver! What d'you mean, that's what you thought as well? Bronco, why you crying? It's a what? Where the hell'd you get it from? Oh my God! Oh hell's bloody bells! Del switches phone off in state of shock. Albert So where's he get it from? Del Eh? He can't remember. Raquel Del, look here. Look at this. Raquel is watching the news on TV. Without taking her eyes from the screen she gestures for the others to come and look. Richard Whitmore is reading the news. On the news, a photograph of the same dish Del has on the balcony appears on the screen. Richard The radar transmitter dish similar to the one shown here, was stolen from the end of Gatwick's main runway in the early hours of yesterday morning. The theft brought Gatwick airport to a standstill and has caused chaos throughout Europe and left thousands of returning holiday-makers stranded. Rodney, Albert and Raquel turn and look at Del. Del grins sheepishly and shrugs. Raquel You caused that! You've brought Europe - a whole continent - to a standstill! Del I didn't mean to! Rodney That's why Cassandra's plane couldn't land. That's why she's stuck at Manchester airport instead of in my honeymoon bed! And that's why my marriage is all but finished! Del Haven't you ever made a mistake? I mean, you thought it was an aerial dish an' all, didn't you? Cut to balcony. Del and Rodney enter from lounge and stare at the dish. Del (Now desperate) I'll tell you what I'll do, Rodders. I'll give it back tomorrow! We now hear the sound of a jet airliner somewhere in the night sky. Immediately two lights (red and yellow) some- where on dish begin flashing alternately. An electronic buzzing noise is unheard, as if the machine has come alive. The dish now swivels around as if lining up with the incoming plane. Del and Rodney are horrified. They look skywards towards the approaching jet. They now look back at the dish and realise it has homed in on the plane. Del screams to Raquel and Albert in lounge. Del Switch it off!


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