Only Fools And Horses

Little Problems

INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO. Rodney is seated at a table with Albert. He wears his market clothes. His expression and general demeanour indicate that he as recently suffered a great disappointment. He is gutted in the extreme. Albert, Boycie and Trigger are at the counter. Mike is behind the bar. Boycie is regaling them with more boring stories of fatherhood and his unborn child. Boycie So then the obstetrician takes me and Marlene into this room and they've got a scanning machine, you know, one of them things they can see right inside the womb. Mike Yeah? Boycie Suddenly on the screen we saw a shape. It was amazing. Mike What was it? Boycie It was a baby. What do you think it was, a Cornish pasty? Mike I mean, was it a boy or a girl? Boycie I don't know. They don't give you a close-up! But I could just tell by the proud way it held its head that it was my child. Trigger Blown all them rumours to bits then, ain't it? Boycie Yeah, that's right. The doctors said... What rumours? Trigger Well, a lot of people thought Marlene was imagin- ing it, you know, like a phantom pregnancy. Boycie Oh no, I've seen the proof. It's all pukka. But there's still a long way to go; the baby's head is not engaged yet. Mike But Rodney Trotter is. Look at him, poor little sod. Trigger If he's like this now, what's he gonna be like come the wedding? Boycie I've heard two of the bridesmaids are Samaritans. Albert Come on, cheer up, son. It ain't the end of the world. So you've failed some silly little exam. Rodney I did not fail some silly little exam. Albert You didn't pass, did you? Rodney What I'm saying is, there was nothing silly about it! It was a very important exam. If I had passed that I would now have a diploma in computer science. It would have been the foundations of a real career. Instead of which I have all the prospects and future of a Sinclair C5. I just wanted to be somebody in Cassandra's eyes. With that diploma I could have applied for a proper job. Albert Look on the bright side, son. You'd have most probably failed the interview. Rodney I've already passed the interview. Albert How d'you mean? Rodney You promise you won't say a word to Del? Cassandra's dad's offered mea position in his company. See, he's expanding the computer section and he wants me to help run it. 'Course, he was under the impression that this diploma exam was a foregone conclusion. Albert Who told him that? Rodney Me. But that's not the only thing. See, me and Cassandra, we found a flat. It's really nice, you know, modern. The only thing is we've got to put down a six-grand deposit. Cassy's taking two thousand out her savings, her mum and dad are giving us two grand as a wedding present and it's up to me to find the other two. Where am I gonna find two grand? With my savings and salary we'll be lucky if we get a weekend in a time-share tent. It was gonna be so good until that bloody exam. Albert You can do one of two things, Rodney. You can go down the council and see if they've got a place or you can sell your share of the business to Del for two thousand pounds. Rodney That's a good idea, Unc. I hadn't thought of that. Yeah, I'll go down the council this afternoon. Del enters. Del Take a look at this, bruv. I've got an executive mobile, solid state of the art. It's all to do with statalites or something. Anyway, they normally retail at one ninty-nine, ninty-nine. I got them for 25 nicker each. Rodney Where'd you get them from? Del You know that Mickey Pearce and Jevon? They started trading, you know, so I said I'd help them out. I've got a hundred of them. Rodney A hundred? Well, that two thousand five hundred pound. I didn't know we had that sort of money in the firm. Del No, no, no. I've got them on sale or return, haven't I? What I don't sell I return. Lovely Jubbly. So how did it go last night? Rodney How'd you mean? Del Well, down at the night school. You got the results of the exam. Rodney Oh... er... Mr Jamille said he hadn't had a chance to look at everyone's work yet. Del You've passed, Rodney. I can just feel it. With your diploma and my yuppy image we're on our way up and to celebrate the occasion I've just been down the printers and I have ordered 200 of these - Trotters Independent Traders headed notepaper. This'll let then know we're around. Albert What's all those initials? Del Modern business people only speak in initials, don't they? They've got FT, Financial Times, BA, British Airways, GLC, General 'Lectric Company. And we've even got a list of company directors. Rodney Oh yeah, you and me. Del Yeah. Rodney What's these initials after my name? DIC. Del No, that is Diploma in Computerisation, Rodney. Yeah, it's got impact, yeah, they'll see our high profile coming a mile off. Rodney Del, thanks to your high profile we now have a company called TIT and a director with DIC after his name. Del No, no, no. That stands for Trotters Independent Traders and DIC is Diploma in... TIT. I see what you mean Rodney. I know, I'll give the printers a bell on my executive mobile phone. Mike arrives with three glasses of sparkling wine. Mike Compliments of the stud. Del Cheers, Boycie. What about that then Mike? An executive mobile phone. I can let you have this for what I paid - 40 nicker. Mike Forty eh? Nice-looking model. Del It's top of the range. Del presses the 'aerial release button'. The aerial shoots out and knocks one of the glasses of wine over. Mike Blimey! That aerial's a bit urgent, ain't it? Del It's called instant aerial. It's a feature of this particular model, you see. Del now presses out seven digits. In the background we can see that Trigger and Boycie are watching the racing on TV. As Del presses the phone buttons so the TV channel changes at the same time. Del, Rodney, Albert and Mike have their backs to the screen so they don't realise what is happening. Boycie and Trigger are facing the screen and so are not aware of Del's phone. The screen changes from horse racing to a BBC2 programme to 'Rainbow' to the Channel 4 logo to a BBC2 programme back to horse racing. Del waits for a call to be answered. We hear a high- pitched whine from the phone. Del (Cont'd) I know what's happened, the statelite has moved out of position. Hang about, there'll be another one along in a minute. Mike I think I'll stick to the phone in the public bar, Del. Del Alright, 35 quid. I don't mind losing a fiver for a mate. (To Rodney) Don't worry. This time next year we'll be millionaires. Del puts the aerial back in. The television turns off. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO. We have two or three large cardboard boxes upon which is printed: "Voxphone executive. The go anywhere phone." Del, now in his Gordon Gekko gear, is plugging various leads into the back of his VCR (as per episode Danger UXD). Albert is watching him. Rodney is getting ready to go out, and has just finished drying his hair or something. Albert I thought Rodney said that video recorder could only work on continental electric? Del Yeah, that's why I popped over to Calais earlier and got myself a couple of bucketfuls. No, it's alright. Here, you know that Chinese kid who lives over in Desmond Tutu house? He's a bit of a boffin when it comes to the old electrics so I got him to fit an adaptor to it. Rodney The Chinese kid? Del Yeah. Rodney The one you always said was stupid? Del There's nothing stupid about him Rodney, he's a genius! I hear your diploma exam wasn't as easy as you thought it'd be. Rodney Who told you? Albert? Del No, no, it wasn't. I bumped into that Mr Jamille, that teacher at your training college. Rodney Del, everything I did in that examination was correct - well, except for one minor miscalculation. You see, we had to program a computer with a mock flight plan. It was supposed to be an unmanned space probe. Stupid. We was all given the information, you know: navigational data, analysis of payload ratio to engine capacity. Del Yeah, well, you need all that, don't you? Rodney Yeah, yeah. But I got a bit confused between litres and gallons right? We don't have much dealing with continental measurements, round here in Peckham, so I didn't program enough fuel and my probe fell slightly short of Venus. Del Yeah, he mentioned something about Dartford. Listen, soppy, you don't actually know you haven't passed. I mean, no one's told you that you've failed. Rodney Del, I do not need a weather- man to tell me when it's peeing down. Mr Jamille handed out all the diplomas the other night except for me. Del Well, you know, maybe he was busy, maybe he hadn't got round to looking at your yet. Rodney Please don't patronize me. Look, I naused it up and that's all there is to it. Del Right, OK. You know best. Oh, by the way, Mr Jamille asked me to give you this. Del produces a rolled diploma complete with red tie. Del (Cont'd) He wanted me to appologise for him and say he was very sorry but he'd been very busy an' he's only just got round to marking your work. Albert All that whinging and whinning and you'd passed all the time. Rodney I don't believe it! Del I'm proud of you, Rodney. Well done. Rodney Oh cheers, Del. Del Now you can get your new job, can't you? Rodney Yes, I won't have any problem ... Who told you that? Albert? Del No, it was not Albert; Cassandra's dad told me. Rodney You've met Cassandra's dad? Del Well, yeah, he's got that little printing firm and I wanted to get them letter- heads printed, and I thought I'd take the business down to him, you now, keep it in the family. Rodney But Cassandra's dad don't drink. Del Oh no, but this was a special occasion, wasn't it? The heads of two great households meeting for the first time. Well, it was a bit like a summit, so anyway we had a couple of scotches and that's when he told me he'd offered you the job. Rodney You're not upset, are you? 'Cos I mean I'm breaking the partnership up. Del Eh? Oh our partnership, no, that's alright, Rodney, you've made the right decision. No you've got to go with that Alan 'cos you know he can offer you a future which is more than I can. Anyway, you've got to have a proper job to get a mortgage for your new flat. Rodney Yeah, I suppose... Who told you that? Was that Cassandra's dad? Del No, Albert. So what you doing about the deposit then? Rodney Oh I dunno, mate. Where am I gonna get two thousand pounds? Del Off your big brother. Rodney What? Del I'm giving you two thousand pounds as a wedding present. Rodney Where are you gonna get that sort of money? Del I'm owed it, ain't I? I'll just call in my debts. Rodney What, you mean I can tell Cassandra and her dad? Del You can tell the Daily Mirror if you want to. Rodney Well. That'll be her. Cheers! There is a knock at the door. Rodney goes to answer it. Albert Where are you gonna get that sort of money from? Del Well, d'you remember a long time ago I sold them video recorders to Boycie? Well, he still hasn't weighed in with the old dosharoonies. So I'll get the money off him and give it to Rodney and it'll all be rez de chasse, as they say in the Dordogne. Rodney and Cassandra enter. Rodney Look who's here. Del Hello, sweetheart. Cassandra Hello, Del. Alright Albert. Albert Hello, love. Cassandra You passed. Rodney Mmm. Cassandra Oh you clever old thing. Rodney Oh well, you know, it was nothing. Oh by the way, would you ask your dad how he'd like the deposit paid? You know, cash or cheque. Cassandra You got the two thousand pounds? Rodney Of course. Cassandra I don't think he cares if it's cash or a cheque. Rodney Oh well, that's cool. Del You off out tonight, sweet- heart? Cassandra Yes, we're going to see an Italian film. Del Oh getting in the mood for your honeymoon in Rimini, eh? Cassandra (Embarrassed) Oh shut up. Rodney Del. Del laughs. Rodney exits. Albert Here, how you gonna under- stand that film if it's all in foreign? Cassandra No, it's got English sub- titles underneath. Del Oh Albert wouldn't bother with the subtitles. Cassandra He can speak Italian? Del No, he can't read. Cassandra has picked up Del's voxphone. Cassandra Oh that's a coincidence. My dad's just come home with one of these. Del Has he? Oh well, there's a thing. Hope your mum's pleased. Cassandra Well, no, he came home absolutely plastered. Del No! Cassandra I've never seen my dad drunk before. Del No. Well, I've got to get on with this. Del pushes a button on the VCR an there is an electric flash. Del switches the TV off. Del (Cont'd) Oh that stupid Chinese kid. I knew I shouldn't have trusted him with it. Albert He's only a kid isn't he? Del But he said he could do it! Rodney Right, I'll see you later, then. Cassandra Bye. Del Yeah, enjoy the film. Cassandra Thanks. Rodney and Cassandra exit to hall. Albert picks up the diploma. Albert Here, I'm really pleased Rodney's got his diploma. Lucky you bumped into that Mr Jamille, innit? Del Yeah. Albert How much d'you give him? Del Hundred and fifty. INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. This is a week later. Del is at the bar with Mike and Trigger. He is still trying to flog a voxphone to Mike. Del It comes complete with batteries plus a little attachment for fitting it to the dashboard of your car, the works, and all for 35 nicker. Mike Del, watch my lips very closely. I do not want one. Only an idiot would buy one of those things. (To Trigger) You got one? Trigger No, I haven't... I'm think- ing of getting one though. Del Well done, Trigg. I'll show you how it works, shall I? Excuse me, gentlemen, business calls. Del moves across to Boycie. Boycie Hello. Del I think it’s about time you weighed in with the money for those video recorders I sold you. Boycie Del, I have told you before I am not paying you for them. They don't work. Del Listen, I've solved that problem. There's a little Chinese kid over on my estate, now he's an electronic genius, now you give me the three and a half that you owe me and I'll get him to fit adaptors on all your machines. They'll sell like hot cakes. Boycie Derek, I am skint. Del Oh don't give me that, Boycie, please. Boycie It's the truth! Marlene's pregnancy is costing me an arm and a leg. She's at a dodgy age for knocking out her first chavvy. She needs to be under constant surveillance by a very expensive group of medical experts. She's already had a week in a private ward. Del Can't she go on the National Health? Boycie Well, of course she can't. I can't expect my wife to mix with all those ordinary patients. Have you seen the way some of them dress? Del Look, I've got Rodney’s wedding coming up. I need that money. Boycie I am just potless, Del, and that is no lie. I will pay you that money as soon as things pick up. Del It'll be too late by then! Boycie I am sorry, Del Boy. You can- not get blood out of a stone. Oh talking of blood, I heard the Driscoll brothers were looking for you. This is exactly the same as being told that the Kray twins wanted a word. Del Driscoll brothers looking for me? What they looking for with me? I never deal with the Driscoll brothers. I make sure of that. Boycie Well, perhaps they want to look at Rodney's wedding list? Del Very funny. Boycie Half a shandy, please, Michael. Del is more curious than worried at this point. We now see Alan Parry (Cassandra's dad) enter. He is in his early to mid-forties., smartly and expensively dressed. Despite his success he had not lost his cockney accent. He is a nice, genuine sort of bloke who gets great pleasure out of these rare opportunities to return to his roots. He has a small red mark or bruise above one of his eye-lids. Alan I guessed I'd find you here, you toerag. Del Alan, what a pleasant surprise. (To others at the bar) Here, look who's here. Cassandra's dad, Rodney's future father-in-law. Alan How d'you do? Nice to meet you. Mike Let me shake you by the hand, Alan. You're a brave man taking a Trotter into your family. Alan Rodney's alright, I like him. Del That's right. He's one in a million. Now you come and sit down over here, Alan, get away from all this riff-raf. What you drinking. Alan Just a lemonade for me, thanks Del. That drink I had with you last week, it knocked me sideways. I hardly touch the stuff these days, and Pam, my wife, she doesn't really agree with drinking. Del You could always out her, you know, get yourself a younger model. Alan Yeah, but she's been with me for so long she's almost one of the family. Go on, I'll have a small scotch, but that's me lot. Del Alright, then. Can I have a small scotch and the usual for me, please. Here, what you done to your eye? Alan Oh yeah, the aerial on that phone you sold me came out a bit fast. Del Oh yeah? Well you had been on the sherbets, though, eh? Anyway, what you doing round here? Alan I'm just a bit bored, Del. There's something wrong with our television. Del Oh? Alan So I thought I'd pop round here and have a chat about the wedding arrangements. You know, I think you should make some sort of contribution to the proceedings. Del Oh yeah, of course. Alan I mean, what sort of a hall do you think we should hire? Del Well, you know, I don't think we ought to go mad, you know, it's only a registrar office wedding, ain't it, eh? No, actually, he's got a very nice hall here, you know, and it's cheap. Alan D'you know if I had my way that's exactly where we'd hold the reception - a good old knees-up in a pub and plenty of jellied eels. Del Well, this place is perfect, innit? And it's cheap. Alan Yeah, yeah. But my wife Pam, she's gone all up-market on the idea. She wants to hold the reception in a cricket club pavilion or the country club. Oh yeah, she's got it all planned out. It's all Dom Perignon and caviar. Del Oh yuck. Alan Not a jellied eel in sight. So what do you think? Del Well, I reckon you ought to put your foot down, you know. How much is this gonna cot me then? Alan Cost you? Oh Del, it's not gonna cost you a penny. My only child's getting married and I'm paying for the lot. Del Yeah, but I thought you said you wanted me to make a contribution. Alan Yeah, with ideas and opinions. Del Oh well, actually, your missus has got a point, hasn't she? You know, I don't think that you and me ought to be selfish, should we? After all, it is for the happy couple, it is their big day. Alan You don't like those sort of surroundings, do you? I mean champagne, caviar, country clubs. Del Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I hate it, all put on. I mean, them people just do things for effect. Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a floral tribute). Del Here's to the big day. Alan Yeah. INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. This is an hour or so later. Alan is not there. Del is standing at the bar talking with Mike. Mike Boycie, Trigg, your minicab's here. Mickey Pearce and Jevon enter. Mickey has his arm in a sling and Jevon is limping badly. But their faces are unscathed. Mickey Del. Del You still haven't got the hang of those revolving doors, have you? Mickey Can we have a word, Del? Del Yeah, 'course you can yeah. Michael, get Mickey and Jevon a drink, will you? Jevon Those mobile phones we gave you. You got the money for them yet? Del Of course I haven't. I haven't sold 'em yet. Jevon Oh Christ! Mickey Oh bloody hell! Del What's up with you two, eh? Boycie, Trigger and Alan enter from the door that leads upstairs. They are holding Alan, who is drunk. Alan Del, I'll see you, Del. Del Yeah, cheers, Alan. Glad you enjoyed the drink. Boycie, Trigger and Alan exit. Mike Here, Del, that's a stroke of luck. He's hired my hall for the wedding reception and I'm doing all the food and drink. Where am I gonna get jellied eels from? Del I don't believe it! Mickey See, those phones weren't ours. Del We could have had a nice country club. Jevon We had them on sale or return, same as you. Del We could have been eating caviar instead of Mike's scotch eggs. Mickey Del, they want their money. Del I'm a caviar person, me, you know, most probably. Who wants their money? Jevon & Mickey The Driscoll brothers. Boycie enters. Del The Driscoll brothers? Boycie, and other people in the pub turn and look in Del's direction. Del (Cont'd) (Now quieter) You two have been dealing with the Driscoll brothers? Jevon Only with those mobile phones. We thought they'd be a good seller. Del They done your arm didn't they? And your Gregory. That is their trademark, they don't touch the face but they knock the hell out of the body. Mickey Danny Driscoll said this was a friendly warning. I'm sorry, Del, we had to tell him you'd taken the phones. Jevon They've got it in their heads that you're trying to con them. They're looking for you, Del. Del I know, I know. I've had a warning. But let me tell you this: if I end up supporting a flyover on the M26, I guarantee you two are gonna be in the next junction. Let us see Mickey's and Jevon's reaction. Del (Cont'd) I'll get your drinks. Del moves to the bar. Boycie Alright, what is all this about the Driscoll brothers? Del Nothing, nothing at all. Listen, if the Driscoll brothers come in here ask- ing for me, you ain't seen me, alright? Mike Listen, I've heard of the Driscoll bothers, Del, but I've never seen them. What they look like? Boycie Well, one of them looks like he was evicted from the planet of the apes. Del Yeah, and the other one reminds me of Cliff Richard. Mike What, he's younger than his years? Del No, he's got one of them faces you'd like to slap. Mike Here, Trigg, did you get Alan off home alright? Trigger Yeah. There was almost an accident. The minicab driver nearly reversed into the Driscoll brothers' car. Del The Driscoll brothers are here? What door they coming in? Trigger Well, I dunno. They're just getting out the car. Mike Upstairs, Del! Hide in the hall. Del, Mickey, Jevon and for some unknown reason Trigger, rush to the door that leads upstairs. Now two heavy guys enter (these are the enforcers) followed by Danny Driscoll. He is middle forties, tall and dressed in the time-honoured way of London villains, three-piece suit, lairy tie, gold watch chain hanging across his waistcoat, overcoat draped over his shoulders. Danny Boycie, how nice. Boycie Hello, Danny. Your brother not with you? Now Tony Driscoll steps out from behind Danny. He is a younger and much smaller man, a pugnacious little sadist. Boycie (Cont'd) Oh wotcher, Tony. The Driscolls walk over to the bar. Boycie Drink? Tony No. Is that right Marlene's up the spout? Boycie Yeah. Danny shakes his head sadly. Danny Dear, dear, dear. Well, you let us know the moment you find out who done it and we'll sort him out. Boycie Yeah, righto, Danny. Now Danny laughs. Boycie puts on a laugh. Boycie (Cont'd) Yeah, good one, Danny, good one. Tony Del Boy around? Mike No, no. I ain't seen him this evening. Danny Well, that's funny. His van's in the car park and - what's this? Danny has spotted Del's cigar and cocktail which are still on the table. Danny (Cont'd) A Castella, a Malibu reef. Are you sure he's not around? Think hard, guv'nor. Mike Well, he may have been in earlier and then he left! Danny. I see. You just had this place decorated? Mike Yeah. Danny Shame. I wanna buy everyone in this pub a drink, what- ever they want. Now here's a pound and I want change. Danny stares at Mike, daring him to argue. Boycie Large cognac, please, Michael. Mike reacts. INT. NAG'S HEAD. UPSTAIRS HALL. NIGHT. STUDIO. There is a hole in the wall which acts as a makeshift bar. At the far end we have a low stage with curtains either side. We now see the curtain on left of stage move. Del Keep still, will you? We cut to behind curtains. We find the four desperadoes standing behind the curtain. Jevon is nearest to the edge of the curtains. Mickey is next to him. Then Trigger and finally Del who is furthest away from the curtain's edge. Del's voxphone is in the breast pocket of his jacket or his trendy green trenchcoat. We can see the top of the voxphone clearly. For the first time Del realises that Trigger is with them. Del (Quietly to Trigger) Trigg, what you doing here? It's got nothing to do with you. What are you doing here with us? Trigger hadn't thought of this either. Trigger I dunno really. You said quick upstairs so I just went. Del shakes his head sadly. We see the entrance doors and ear footsteps approach- ing. The door is kicked. It shudders on its hinges but doesn't open. Danny There's a doorknob there, Tony. Why don't you just turn it like a human being? The door opens and Tony, Danny and the two heavies appear. Danny looks immediately towards the curtain and smiles to himself, he gestures with his head towards the curtains. Tony doesn't understand the gesture. His face says "What?" Angrily, Danny gestures again but more sharply with his head. Tony now understands, and takes one of those long poles used for opening high windows and approaches the left hand curtains. He now thrusts the pole at head height towards the curtain. The curtain between Mickey and Jevon's head protrudes with the thrust of the pole. He now thrusts the pole at hip height. The curtain between Del's legs protrudes with the thrust of the pole. His frustration becomes too much. Accompanied by a manic scream he hurls the pole at the right hand curtain. It smashes into curtain and clatters to the floor. Danny Let's try the bogs. The four move towards the entrance door. We cut to behind curtain. Jevon They're going! Mickey (Whispers) We're in the clear. Trigger taps Del's chest - the voxphone. Trigger has in fact hit the 'aerial release' button. There is a tiny whirring sound, and almost instant- aneously with the tap the aerial shoots up Del's nose. Del Aaaurghh! We se Danny and Tony who were about to exit, stop at the door. We not see the curtains on left of stage moving violently. Mickey and Jevon appear. They smile wildly and are terrified by Danny. Now Trigger and Del appear. Del still has the voxphone stuck up his nose and is struggling to dislodge it. Danny He's got one of our phones up his nose. Tony That's a good idea, innit? Del (Pinched nose sound) Yed, dank you Danny, I dust dot dis done duck up my dose. Danny Tone, help the man. Del Do, dat's alwite. Tony moves to Del and yanks the phone free. It comes free accompanied by a loud 'pop'. Del Aaargh! Thanks for your help, Tony. Danny I thought I said I didn't want to see your faces round here any more. Jevon Yes, Mr Driscoll. Mickey Thank you Mr Driscoll. Mickey and Jevon leave quickly. Tony That goes for you too. Trigger Yeah, but... Del Go on Trigg, see you later. Trigger leaves. Tony You owe us two thousand pounds. You got the money? Del No, of course I haven't got the money. I haven't sold the phones yet, have I? Danny Don't give us that, Derek. Them two youngsters Ebony and Ivory took the phones from us over three months ago. Del Three months? I didn't know that, Danny. Danny Do you think we're stupid? (Looking to Tony) Do you think I'm stupid? Del No. Danny Those two munchkins work for you and you're doing a bit of a Fagin, but you picked the wrong ones this time. If you don't come up with the two grand I'm gonna take his collar and lead off and let him loose on you. Del Hang on! You got it wrong, you've got it all wrong. I tell you what: you can have all the phones back. Danny I don't want all that old rubbish back. Tony They used to make our telly go funny. Danny And that model's old now, and at least one of them's been up your hooter. Del You've got to give me a bit of time. I mean, you two ain't short of a couple of grand. Danny And you know why we ain't short a few bob? Del No. Danny 'Cos we don't let debts linger. Can we explain some- thing to you, Del? When me and Tony were kids we was very, very poor. Our old man used to work in the stables in one of them big mansion houses. He used to work from six in the morning 'til eight at night and what for? A pittance. Tony A shilling a day and a horseshit sandwich. Danny Then one day there was a robbery at the mansion. The bill arrested our old man, but there wasn't any evidence, was there? Tony That's right - just finger- prints. Danny Just fingerprints. Tony And eyewitnesses. Danny Couple of eyewitnesses... They found the jewels on him. Tony It was a plant. Danny Yeah. It was a right fit-up. He died in a police cell with a fractured skull. They said it was a suicide attempt that went wrong, or right, whatever way you look at it. They claimed he tried to hang himself with his braces and smashed himself to death on the ceiling. Do you believe that? Del No, no, I don't. Danny The day he died, me and Tony swore that no one would ever dump on us and we would never, never be poor. Del Wait a minute! After your dad died you two went to a young offenders' home, and who was it that used to look after your old mum with some hooky groceries and a bag of coal and all that - it was me, weren't it, eh? Come on, you owe me. No, I mean, you owe me at least a bit of time. Danny He's right. Tony No, he ain't. Danny We owe him. Tony I don't think we do. Danny Tony, we had an agreement - I do the thinking, you don't. Alright, Del, you got yourself a bit of time. Del Cheers, cheers, Danny. When will I see you again? Danny Dunno. We'll surprise you. Del Good. I'll look forward to that. Danny Get the money. Del Right. Danny Either you pay us or we pay you. The Driscolls and the heavies move towards the exit door. As they do so Boycie arrives. He seems surprised to find them still there. Boycie Oh hello, Danny. Just popped up to see if you needed any help. Danny No, I think we handled it pretty well on our own. Be seeing you soon. The Driscolls and the heavies exit. Boycie moves to Del. Boycie Del, Mickey Pearce has just told me you got some electrical equipment off the Driscolls. Del Yes, that's right. Boycie It's not those video record- ers you sold me, is it? Del is about to say 'no' when he realises that he's missing a chance to get some money. Del N... Yeah! Boycie God, do the Driscolls know? Del I haven't said anything, you know, yet. Boycie Well, you're not gonna tell them I got them, are you? Del Look, they wanna give some- one a good hidin'. Tell us what it was like, won't you, Boycie? Boycie produces three packs of notes still in bank wrappers. Boycie Here... Here's most of the money I owe you. Del I thought you were skint? Boycie I thought I was but then I suddenly happened to find three grad in my pocket. Square it with the Driscolls. Keep them off me. Del Leave it to me, Boyce. What are friends for? INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. This is Rodney's stag night. All the gang are there, Mike, Boycie, Trigger, Mickey Pearce and Jevon. A comic is on stage doing a stag night routine - or at least most of his gags are about marriage and are aimed at Rodney. Comic So remember, Rodney, marriage is like a self-service restaurant - you get what you want, you see what your mates got and you want some of that. Denzil I remember my stag night, Rodney. It was about one o'clock in the car park and I was just about to stagger home when they jumped out on me. Rodney Who, who jumped out on you? Denzil I dunno. It was pitch black. Anyway, they super-glued a learner sign to me pants and run off and left me. Del and Rodney are laughing. Denzil (Cont'd) I didn't mind the learner sign. I just wish they'd let me have my trousers back. Rodney (Laughing a drunken laugh) What! You didn't, you didn't have no trousers on? Denzil No, Rodney, no. Albert I'm just popping out. Del Albert, just a minute. While you're up there, put another score in the whip. Albert moves around the bar and makes his way towards the gents. From the stage the comic spots him. Comic Oh look, there he goes, hi- hoe. Alright mate? Albert sneers in return and continues towards door. Comic (Cont'd) Fancy putting your head on upside down! Albert I fought in the war. Comic What? The Boer War? Albert exits. The Driscolls enter. Comic (Cont'd) Go on, get out of here, you miserable old so-and-so. Here listen lads. There was this fellow, he was really short. I tell you how short he was. He got a job at mothercare as a bouncer, that's how short he was. He was so short, well, he... Tony gives him a look that could kill from fifty paces. The comic reacts, frightened. Comic (Cont'd) Well, he wasn't that short... A tall feller, he was very tall... Danny Driscoll reacts. Comic (Cont'd) No, he wasn't tall, he was a woman. Denzil Del, I don't wish to spoil the surprise, but the Driscol brothers have just arrived. Del Oh have they? Well, let them wait a while. Denzil Do you need any backup? Del No, it's alright, Denzil, thanks. Thanks a lot. No, don't worry. I've got their money. Rodney Are you... Are you having a good time, Del? Del Yes, yes, I'm having a blinding time, Rodders, yeah, yeah. Rodney I get married in two days' time. Del Yeah, I know you do. You wanna keep off the sherbet, otherwise you're gonna have a hangover in Rimini. Rodney Oi, Del at the cerem... Del Ceremony yeah, right... Rodney ...ceremony, will they... they won't say my middle name will they? Del No, no. He'll just call you, you know, like Rodney Trotter... Rodney I wanna thank you, Del. You've done everything for me in my life. Del Yes, alright. Shut up, Rodney. Rodney When I was a kid, he brought me up, when I was a nipper. Denzil Yeah, I know, Rodney. I re- member. Rodney He looked after me my brother did. I mean, if it wasn't for him, right, I could have been a drunk... or I could have been a snu-gliffer or anything. And I tell you something else about this man: he's giving me two thousand pounds for a deposit on my flat. Del is smiling. The smile dies and turns to a look of horror as he remembers his promise. Del (To Denzil) I forgot that. Denzil Oh hell. Tony Driscol beckons Del. He indicates outside. Del Rodney, alright now, you stay here, right? You just listen to the man, alright? Back in a minute. Del crosses to the Driscolls and exits. Comic Course, my wife, she used to sell ice creams in the cinema. When we got married she went up the aisle back- wards. She was lovely. We were driving home one night and she said, 'Would you like to see where I had the operation?' I said, 'Yeah'. She said, 'See the hospital up there on the hill...' Rodney I'll tell you. Del, right, he's the bested bloke in the world. Denzil Yeah, I know. Listen, Rodney, sometimes people say things that they mean, what they really mean is... Rodney What you mean? Denzil Well, sometimes they promise things and they really mean to keep that promise, but other things stop them from doing it. Rodney looks at him long and hard. Then bursts out laughing for no apparent reason. Denzil looks away defeated. INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO. It is in darkness except for the light coming from the hall which leads to the bedrooms. We hear a key in the front door and Rodney enters. He is trouserless and has a learner sign super-glued to his boxer shorts. He is drunk and seething. He pauses in the centre of the room and tries to focus in the half-light. He now staggers from the corridor to the bedrooms area. INT. CORRIDOR TO BEDROOM AREA/BATHROOM. NIGHT. STUDIO. Rodney Del! Rodney staggers towards the bedroom area. We hear Del from inside the bathroom. He makes the kind of sound people make when they've had too much to drink. Rodney Del! Del! Are you in the bathroom? Del Yeah, yeah. Rodney Thanks for walking out and leaving me like that. Del Sorry! I had too much to drink. I come over bad. I'm still feeling a bit rough. Rodney Oh and thanks for not getting me that money. Denzil explained that you had something more important to spend it on! You promised me. I've told Cassandra and her mum and dad and everything. I said I've got the money. What am I gonna look like now, eh? I'll tell you what I'm gonna look like now. I'm gonna look like a right tit-head, that's what I'll look like. Cut to bathroom, this is also in half-light. We just see Del's face, maybe in the mirror. He is sweating and heavy-eyed, just like someone who's had too much to drink. Del Your money's on the table. Rodney What? Del Your deposit money. It's on the table. Rodney reacts to the news. Not sure whether to be over- joyed or suspicious. He staggers towards the lounge. We now see that Del is bare-chested. His body is covered in bruises, scratches and cuts, courtesy of the Driscoll brothers. He bathes his wounds with a flannel and a basinful of cold water. Each touch of the flannel on his wounds make him wince with pain. Rodney enters from the lounge holding a bundle of notes. Rodney Del? Del Yeah? Rodney Thanks. Del It's alright, bruv. It was a pleasure. Rodney Del... I'm sorry, right? Del Oh leave it out, you tart. Rodney You're still gonna be my best man, aren't you? Del Yeah, 'course I am. Rodney We'll have a good old knees -up eh? Del I think I've had enough of that for one night, Rodney. Rodney And I tell you what - we'll have a good old sing-song. Del Yeah, as long as you don't mind me sounding like the Bee Gees. Del winces as he dabs one of his cuts. INT. REGISTRY OFFICE. DAY. STUDIO. Rodney and Cassandra are standing in front of the table. The registrar and clerk are behind the table. Del is standing a few yards behind Rodney and to his right (or is it left?) one of Cassandra's friends, who is also acting as witness, is standing a few yards behind Cassandra. We see Alan and Pam (Cassandra's parents). Pam, in her early forties and very smartly dressed. As Alan described her, she is slightly up-market. They both smile on benignly. Behind them are Cassandra's friends and relatives. On the Trotters side we have Albert, Boycie and five- month pregnant Marlene, Trigger, Denzil, Mike, Mickey Pearce and Jevon. Mickey and Jevon are with girls. Registrar I do solemnly declare. Rodney I do solemnly declare. Registrar That I know of no lawful impediment. Rodney That I know of no lawful impediment. Registrar That I may not be joined in matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry. Rodney That I may not be joined in matrimony to this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry. Registrar Do you have the ring? Rodney and Cassandra turn to their witnesses for the rings. Del hands Rodney the ring. This is all done with great decorum. Rodney and Cassandra place the rings on the fingers. Registrar Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present. Rodney I call upon these persons here present. Registrar To witness that I, Rodney Charlton Trotter... The Trotter side starts to laugh. We actually hear Boycie, Denzil, Mickey and Jevon repeat the word 'Charlton'. Rodney reacts with 'I knew this would happen' reaction. Del turns away and grins, but this makes his ribs hurt and he winces. Cassandra smiles and turns away. The registrar coughs gently to try and bring some order. Registrar (Cont'd) That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter... We hear more gaffaws and squeals from the Trotters' side. Del, despite his smile, is gesturing for order. Registrar (To the Trotter side, nicely) I would appreciate it if the guests would conduct them- selves in a manner more becoming to this occasion, thank you. Rodney That I, Rodney Charlton Trotter. There are more laughs and squeals from the Trotter side. Registrar Take this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife. Rodney Take this woman, Cassandra Louise Parry, to be my lawful wedded wife. Registrar Now repeat after me: I call upon these persons here present. Cassandra I call upon these persons here present Registrar To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry. Cassandra To witness that I, Cassandra Louise Parry. Registrar Take this man, Rodney Charl ... Rodney Trotter. Cassandra Take this man, Rodney Trotter. Registrar To be my lawful wedded husband. Cassandra To be my lawful wedded husband. Registrar Now you have both made the declarations required by law and you have made a solemn and binding contract with each other in the presence of your witnesses, you are now husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. Rodney Thank you. Rodney and Cassandra kiss. Cassandra's parents and relatives observe this with sweeter and maybe emotional smiles. The Trotters side greet it with cheers, wolf whistles, etc. Rodney is embarrassed by the whole thing. The registrar now offers Rodney the pen to sign the marriage certificate. INT. NAG'S HEAD HALL UPSTAIRS. NIGHT. STUDIO. Pam Now the moment you two get back from honeymoon, you must call me. Cassandra Look, we haven't even gone yet. Alan Don't you be late for your first day at work, Rodney. Rodney No, I'll be there, Alan. Pam You'll have to come round for dinner. Rodney Oh thank you, Pamela. Alan We could invite Del. Pam Er... well... Rodney senses her embarrassment. Rodney He'll most probably be busy. Pam Yes. Alan Well, I'm seeing him on Wednesday. I'll ask him. Pam You're not going to get drunk again? Alan No. He's taking me to a pie and mash shop. Pam What for? Alan For pie and mash. Cassandra I think I'll just go and say goodbye to a few more people. Cassandra and Rodney move away. Pam What's happened to you? Ever since you've met Rodney's brother you've become like a born-again hooligan. It's thanks to you that my daughter's wedding reception is being held at this ghastly pub, all champagne and welks; there's spoons of jellied eels everywhere. Alan That's because I like jellied eels. Look Pamela, I've worked all my life. I'm a successful businessman in charge of a successful business! And if I fancy eating the occasional bowl of jellied eels, I will eat the occasional bowl of jellied eels. We see Del in the background. He hasn't heard any of this. Del Hey, Alan, there ain't many of them jellied eels left, I'd get stuck in if I was you. Alan crosses back to get the jellied eels. Del joins Rodney. Cassandra See you in a minute. Del Are you off then, bruv? Rodney Yeah, going in a minute. Del Just wanted to... er... just wanted to say, Rodney, that I'm really proud of you. You've got it all now, ain't you? New job, new flat, new wife, new life. Rodney Yeah. We had a few good years, eh? Del Some good times. Rodney Some right laughs, eh? Del And a couple of tears. But that's all part of it. I just wish that Mum... Rodney Oh no, shut up! You'll have me going. They now just look at each other. It's almost as if one of them's emigrating. Rodney now embraces Del. Del shouts out in pain. Del Oohhh. Rodney What's wrong? Del I got a bit of a bruise. I don't know how I got it. Cassandra Goodbye, Del, and thanks for everything. Cassandra hugs Del. Del That's alright sweetheart. Listen, will you do some- thing for me? Cassandra What? Del Be gentle with him. Cassandra Oh shut up! Cassandra and Rodney moves towards the exit. Rodney pauses at the door and looks at Del, then exits. Marlene appears. Marlene I didn't know Rodney's middle name was Charlton. Del Oh yeah, it was me mum. She was a fan. Marlene Oh what? Charlton Heston? Del No. Charlton Athletic. Marlene Duke, get off that table. You gonna have a dance with me Del? Del Not right now Marlene, under this shirt I am covered in scratches and bruises. Marlene Who have you been going out with then? Del It's a long story. Marlene How come you never got married, Del? Del Me? No, I'm too shrewd for that game. Marlene You got engaged, though, didn't you? Lots of times. So why didn't you marry any of them? Del I dunno. It was Rodney, I suppose. Marlene Rodney stopped you getting married? Del Well, back in them days Rodney was just a kid, you know, and I had to bring him up. Marlene You were like a mother and father to him. Del Yeah, I breast fed him for the first six months. No, it's just that all the birds that I went out with they wanted to get married but they didn't want to bring Rodney up, especially the way he went through shoes. So what was I supposed to do? Marry them and stick Rodders into care? Nah, I elbowed them. It's family, innit? Marlene You should be proud of yourself. He's turned out a real good 'un. Del Yeah, he's a diamond. A forty-two-carat, diamond. Boycie Come along, Marlene. (To Del) I wanna have a word with you during the week. You should see what that Chinese kid has done to my video recorders. Marlene See you, Del. Del Bye-bye sweetheart. Marlene Bye. Del Bye, sweetheart. Marlene Come on, Duke. Del Cheerio, Boycie. Albert follows. The last few stragglers are leaving the hall. They call or wave goodbyes to Del. Now, save for the sleeping jock, Del is alone in the hall. The record 'Holding Back the Years' by Simply Red is playing. He looks around the empty hall and thinks back to the good times and the not so good times. He thinks of Rodney's new found happiness. He thinks of his own future and he doesn't like the taste. He knows he'll never be that millionaire. But there is one tiny spot, deep in his heart, that refuses to let his hapless dream die. And that is the spot that Del now goes to. He holds his head up defiantly as the repeated chorus from ' Holding Back the Years' plays across his face. ("I'll keep holding on"). Mike appears and breaks Del's concentration. Mike Cassandra's dad's been ill in the toilet. Del I told him not to eat all them jellied eels. Mike I've got to lock up, Del. Del Yeah, alright, Mike. Thanks very much for a very nice do. Mike Cheers, mate. Mike moves towards the sleeping jock. Del walks to the exit door with the record playing over. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO. This is two weeks after the wedding. The flat is in darkness. We hear a key in the front door. Now Del enters from hall. He is dressed in his market gear and carries the suitcase. The cordless phone begins ringing. Del Hello, Trotter Independent Traders... Oh it's you, Albert... er... no, it's alright, I've only just got in, yeah. Where are you... oh you're round at Elsie Partridge's are you? Oh yeah, got your plates of meat under the table there, ain't you, eh, you saucy old goat? What? No, no, they're back from their honeymoon. Yeah, I saw Rodney this morning racing off to work. Yeah, he looked great, he did, nice three-piece suit, smart tie, yeah, and his executive briefcase, yeah, the lot... You what? No, no, I didn't have chance to speak to him. I was in the van and he came racing past on his bicycle... The honeymoon? Yeah, I think that went alright, yeah. He was as white as a sheet... You what? Oh yeah, you off down the Legion tonight, are you... Me? No. Well, I'm alone. Well, no, no. I'm not alone, really; it's just the way I'd like it to be... No, no thanks very much, Albert. I appreciate the offer but I'm not in the mood for dominoes tonight... Yeah, I'll see you when I see you. The door to hall opens and a very tired Rodney enters. He is wearing the clothes Del described - a three-piece suit, a smart tie, a trendy raincoat and is carrying an executive-style briefcase. He has bicycle grip around his ankles. Rodney (Tired) Alright? Del (Stunned to see him) Yeah, triffic, Rodders. Rodney flops down in the armchair. Rodney I am exhausted. Del Yeah you look a bit cream crackered. What is it? Executive stress, is it? Rodney No, it's that bike. The wheels hardly go round, the chain's come off twice and the front light don't work. Where d'you get it from? Del I dunno. It's been in the garage for years. Rodney (Yawning) What's for tea? Del I ain't got a clue have I? Can I say something to you? Give you a piece of advice that may hold you in good stead in the, you know, future? Rodney Yeah, go on, then. Del It's just that, well, how can I put it? (Shouting at him) You don't live here no more. From Rodney, a momentary pause before it sinks in. Rodney Oh, bloody 'ell! She'll go loopy. Rodney exits, closing the door behind him. He now rushes in and grabs his briefcase. Rodney (Cont'd) I'll phone you, right? Del Yeah, righto, bruv. Rodney exits, closing door behind him. Rodney Take care, Del. Del You too, Rodders. He now rushes back in and grabs his bicycle clips. Rodney I'll see you. Del See you around. Rodney exits, closing door behind him. This time we hear the front door slam. Del has a great big smile. He now knows that things aren't going to be as bad as he imagined. No matter what happens, Rodney will always be around. Del (Cont'd) What a plonker!

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