INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney is seated at a table with Albert. He wears his
market clothes. His expression and general demeanour
indicate that he as recently suffered a great
disappointment. He is gutted in the extreme.
Albert, Boycie and Trigger are at the counter. Mike
is behind the bar. Boycie is regaling them with more
boring stories of fatherhood and his unborn child.
Boycie
So then the obstetrician
takes me and Marlene into
this room and they've got a
scanning machine, you know,
one of them things they can
see right inside the womb.
Mike
Yeah?
Boycie
Suddenly on the screen we saw
a shape. It was amazing.
Mike
What was it?
Boycie
It was a baby. What do you
think it was, a Cornish
pasty?
Mike
I mean, was it a boy or a
girl?
Boycie
I don't know. They don't
give you a close-up! But I
could just tell by the
proud way it held its head
that it was my child.
Trigger
Blown all them rumours to
bits then, ain't it?
Boycie
Yeah, that's right. The
doctors said... What
rumours?
Trigger
Well, a lot of people
thought Marlene was imagin-
ing it, you know, like a
phantom pregnancy.
Boycie
Oh no, I've seen the proof.
It's all pukka. But there's
still a long way to go; the
baby's head is not engaged
yet.
Mike
But Rodney Trotter is. Look
at him, poor little sod.
Trigger
If he's like this now,
what's he gonna be like
come the wedding?
Boycie
I've heard two of the
bridesmaids are Samaritans.
Albert
Come on, cheer up, son. It
ain't the end of the world.
So you've failed some
silly little exam.
Rodney
I did not fail some silly
little exam.
Albert
You didn't pass, did you?
Rodney
What I'm saying is, there
was nothing silly about it!
It was a very important
exam. If I had passed that
I would now have a diploma
in computer science. It
would have been the
foundations of a real
career. Instead of which I
have all the prospects and
future of a Sinclair C5. I
just wanted to be somebody
in Cassandra's eyes. With
that diploma I could have
applied for a proper job.
Albert
Look on the bright side,
son. You'd have most
probably failed the
interview.
Rodney
I've already passed the
interview.
Albert
How d'you mean?
Rodney
You promise you won't say
a word to Del? Cassandra's
dad's offered mea position
in his company. See, he's
expanding the computer
section and he wants me to
help run it. 'Course, he
was under the impression
that this diploma exam was
a foregone conclusion.
Albert
Who told him that?
Rodney
Me. But that's not the
only thing. See, me and
Cassandra, we found a
flat. It's really nice,
you know, modern. The only
thing is we've got to put
down a six-grand deposit.
Cassy's taking two
thousand out her savings,
her mum and dad are giving
us two grand as a wedding
present and it's up to me
to find the other two.
Where am I gonna find two
grand? With my savings
and salary we'll be lucky
if we get a weekend in a
time-share tent. It was
gonna be so good until
that bloody exam.
Albert
You can do one of two
things, Rodney. You can go
down the council and see if
they've got a place or you
can sell your share of the
business to Del for two
thousand pounds.
Rodney
That's a good idea, Unc. I
hadn't thought of that.
Yeah, I'll go down the
council this afternoon.
Del enters.
Del
Take a look at this, bruv.
I've got an executive
mobile, solid state of the
art. It's all to do with
statalites or something.
Anyway, they normally
retail at one ninty-nine,
ninty-nine. I got them
for 25 nicker each.
Rodney
Where'd you get them from?
Del
You know that Mickey Pearce
and Jevon? They started
trading, you know, so I
said I'd help them out.
I've got a hundred of them.
Rodney
A hundred? Well, that two
thousand five hundred
pound. I didn't know we had
that sort of money in the
firm.
Del
No, no, no. I've got them
on sale or return, haven't
I? What I don't sell I
return. Lovely Jubbly. So
how did it go last night?
Rodney
How'd you mean?
Del
Well, down at the night
school. You got the results
of the exam.
Rodney
Oh... er... Mr Jamille said
he hadn't had a chance to
look at everyone's work
yet.
Del
You've passed, Rodney. I can
just feel it. With your
diploma and my yuppy image
we're on our way up and to
celebrate the occasion I've
just been down the printers
and I have ordered 200 of
these - Trotters Independent
Traders headed notepaper.
This'll let then know we're
around.
Albert
What's all those initials?
Del
Modern business people only
speak in initials, don't
they? They've got FT,
Financial Times, BA, British
Airways, GLC, General
'Lectric Company. And we've
even got a list of company
directors.
Rodney
Oh yeah, you and me.
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
What's these initials after
my name? DIC.
Del
No, that is Diploma in
Computerisation, Rodney.
Yeah, it's got impact, yeah,
they'll see our high
profile coming a mile off.
Rodney
Del, thanks to your high
profile we now have a
company called TIT and a
director with DIC after
his name.
Del
No, no, no. That stands for
Trotters Independent
Traders and DIC is Diploma
in... TIT. I see what you
mean Rodney. I know, I'll
give the printers a bell
on my executive mobile
phone.
Mike arrives with three glasses of sparkling wine.
Mike
Compliments of the stud.
Del
Cheers, Boycie. What about
that then Mike? An
executive mobile phone. I
can let you have this for
what I paid - 40 nicker.
Mike
Forty eh? Nice-looking model.
Del
It's top of the range.
Del presses the 'aerial release button'. The aerial
shoots out and knocks one of the glasses of wine over.
Mike
Blimey! That aerial's a bit
urgent, ain't it?
Del
It's called instant aerial.
It's a feature of this
particular model, you see.
Del now presses out seven digits.
In the background we can see that Trigger and
Boycie are watching the racing on TV.
As Del presses the phone buttons so the TV channel
changes at the same time. Del, Rodney, Albert and
Mike have their backs to the screen so they don't
realise what is happening.
Boycie and Trigger are facing the screen and so are
not aware of Del's phone.
The screen changes from horse racing to a BBC2
programme to 'Rainbow' to the Channel 4 logo to a
BBC2 programme back to horse racing.
Del waits for a call to be answered. We hear a high-
pitched whine from the phone.
Del
(Cont'd)
I know what's happened,
the statelite has moved
out of position. Hang
about, there'll be
another one along in a
minute.
Mike
I think I'll stick to the
phone in the public bar,
Del.
Del
Alright, 35 quid. I don't
mind losing a fiver for a
mate.
(To Rodney)
Don't worry. This time next
year we'll be millionaires.
Del puts the aerial back in. The television turns off.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
We have two or three large cardboard boxes upon which
is printed: "Voxphone executive. The go anywhere
phone."
Del, now in his Gordon Gekko gear, is plugging various
leads into the back of his VCR (as per episode Danger
UXD). Albert is watching him.
Rodney is getting ready to go out, and has just
finished drying his hair or something.
Albert
I thought Rodney said that
video recorder could only
work on continental
electric?
Del
Yeah, that's why I popped
over to Calais earlier and
got myself a couple of
bucketfuls. No, it's
alright. Here, you know
that Chinese kid who lives
over in Desmond Tutu house?
He's a bit of a boffin when
it comes to the old
electrics so I got him to
fit an adaptor to it.
Rodney
The Chinese kid?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
The one you always said was
stupid?
Del
There's nothing stupid about
him Rodney, he's a genius!
I hear your diploma exam
wasn't as easy as you
thought it'd be.
Rodney
Who told you? Albert?
Del
No, no, it wasn't. I bumped
into that Mr Jamille, that
teacher at your training
college.
Rodney
Del, everything I did in that
examination was correct -
well, except for one minor
miscalculation. You see, we
had to program a computer with
a mock flight plan. It was
supposed to be an unmanned
space probe. Stupid. We was
all given the information,
you know: navigational data,
analysis of payload ratio to
engine capacity.
Del
Yeah, well, you need all that,
don't you?
Rodney
Yeah, yeah. But I got a bit
confused between litres and
gallons right? We don't have
much dealing with continental
measurements, round here in
Peckham, so I didn't program
enough fuel and my probe fell
slightly short of Venus.
Del
Yeah, he mentioned something
about Dartford. Listen,
soppy, you don't actually
know you haven't passed. I
mean, no one's told you that
you've failed.
Rodney
Del, I do not need a weather-
man to tell me when it's
peeing down. Mr Jamille
handed out all the diplomas
the other night except for
me.
Del
Well, you know, maybe he was
busy, maybe he hadn't got
round to looking at your
yet.
Rodney
Please don't patronize me.
Look, I naused it up and
that's all there is to it.
Del
Right, OK. You know best. Oh,
by the way, Mr Jamille asked
me to give you this.
Del produces a rolled diploma complete with red tie.
Del
(Cont'd)
He wanted me to appologise
for him and say he was very
sorry but he'd been very
busy an' he's only just got
round to marking your work.
Albert
All that whinging and
whinning and you'd passed
all the time.
Rodney
I don't believe it!
Del
I'm proud of you, Rodney.
Well done.
Rodney
Oh cheers, Del.
Del
Now you can get your new job,
can't you?
Rodney
Yes, I won't have any problem
... Who told you that?
Albert?
Del
No, it was not Albert;
Cassandra's dad told me.
Rodney
You've met Cassandra's dad?
Del
Well, yeah, he's got that
little printing firm and I
wanted to get them letter-
heads printed, and I thought
I'd take the business down
to him, you now, keep it in
the family.
Rodney
But Cassandra's dad don't
drink.
Del
Oh no, but this was a special
occasion, wasn't it? The
heads of two great households
meeting for the first time.
Well, it was a bit like a
summit, so anyway we had a
couple of scotches and that's
when he told me he'd offered
you the job.
Rodney
You're not upset, are you?
'Cos I mean I'm breaking
the partnership up.
Del
Eh? Oh our partnership, no,
that's alright, Rodney,
you've made the right
decision. No you've got to
go with that Alan 'cos you
know he can offer you a
future which is more than I
can. Anyway, you've got to
have a proper job to get a
mortgage for your new flat.
Rodney
Yeah, I suppose... Who told
you that? Was that
Cassandra's dad?
Del
No, Albert. So what you
doing about the deposit
then?
Rodney
Oh I dunno, mate. Where am I
gonna get two thousand
pounds?
Del
Off your big brother.
Rodney
What?
Del
I'm giving you two thousand
pounds as a wedding present.
Rodney
Where are you gonna get that
sort of money?
Del
I'm owed it, ain't I? I'll
just call in my debts.
Rodney
What, you mean I can tell
Cassandra and her dad?
Del
You can tell the Daily
Mirror if you want to.
Rodney
Well. That'll be her. Cheers!
There is a knock at the door. Rodney goes to answer it.
Albert
Where are you gonna get that
sort of money from?
Del
Well, d'you remember a long
time ago I sold them video
recorders to Boycie? Well,
he still hasn't weighed in
with the old dosharoonies.
So I'll get the money off
him and give it to Rodney
and it'll all be rez de
chasse, as they say in the
Dordogne.
Rodney and Cassandra enter.
Rodney
Look who's here.
Del
Hello, sweetheart.
Cassandra
Hello, Del. Alright Albert.
Albert
Hello, love.
Cassandra
You passed.
Rodney
Mmm.
Cassandra
Oh you clever old thing.
Rodney
Oh well, you know, it was
nothing. Oh by the way,
would you ask your dad how
he'd like the deposit paid?
You know, cash or cheque.
Cassandra
You got the two thousand
pounds?
Rodney
Of course.
Cassandra
I don't think he cares if
it's cash or a cheque.
Rodney
Oh well, that's cool.
Del
You off out tonight, sweet-
heart?
Cassandra
Yes, we're going to see an
Italian film.
Del
Oh getting in the mood for
your honeymoon in Rimini,
eh?
Cassandra
(Embarrassed)
Oh shut up.
Rodney
Del.
Del laughs.
Rodney exits.
Albert
Here, how you gonna under-
stand that film if it's all
in foreign?
Cassandra
No, it's got English sub-
titles underneath.
Del
Oh Albert wouldn't bother
with the subtitles.
Cassandra
He can speak Italian?
Del
No, he can't read.
Cassandra has picked up Del's voxphone.
Cassandra
Oh that's a coincidence. My
dad's just come home with
one of these.
Del
Has he? Oh well, there's a
thing. Hope your mum's
pleased.
Cassandra
Well, no, he came home
absolutely plastered.
Del
No!
Cassandra
I've never seen my dad drunk
before.
Del
No. Well, I've got to get
on with this.
Del pushes a button on the VCR an there is an electric
flash. Del switches the TV off.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh that stupid Chinese kid.
I knew I shouldn't have
trusted him with it.
Albert
He's only a kid isn't he?
Del
But he said he could do it!
Rodney
Right, I'll see you later,
then.
Cassandra
Bye.
Del
Yeah, enjoy the film.
Cassandra
Thanks.
Rodney and Cassandra exit to hall. Albert picks up the
diploma.
Albert
Here, I'm really pleased
Rodney's got his diploma.
Lucky you bumped into that
Mr Jamille, innit?
Del
Yeah.
Albert
How much d'you give him?
Del
Hundred and fifty.
INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is a week later. Del is at the bar with Mike and
Trigger. He is still trying to flog a voxphone to
Mike.
Del
It comes complete with
batteries plus a little
attachment for fitting it
to the dashboard of your
car, the works, and all
for 35 nicker.
Mike
Del, watch my lips very
closely. I do not want one.
Only an idiot would buy
one of those things.
(To Trigger)
You got one?
Trigger
No, I haven't... I'm think-
ing of getting one though.
Del
Well done, Trigg. I'll show
you how it works, shall I?
Excuse me, gentlemen,
business calls.
Del moves across to Boycie.
Boycie
Hello.
Del
I think it’s about time you
weighed in with the money
for those video recorders I
sold you.
Boycie
Del, I have told you before
I am not paying you for
them. They don't work.
Del
Listen, I've solved that
problem. There's a little
Chinese kid over on my
estate, now he's an
electronic genius, now you
give me the three and a
half that you owe me and
I'll get him to fit
adaptors on all your
machines. They'll sell
like hot cakes.
Boycie
Derek, I am skint.
Del
Oh don't give me that,
Boycie, please.
Boycie
It's the truth! Marlene's
pregnancy is costing me an
arm and a leg. She's at a
dodgy age for knocking out
her first chavvy. She needs
to be under constant
surveillance by a very
expensive group of medical
experts. She's already had
a week in a private ward.
Del
Can't she go on the National
Health?
Boycie
Well, of course she can't. I
can't expect my wife to mix
with all those ordinary
patients. Have you seen the
way some of them dress?
Del
Look, I've got Rodney’s
wedding coming up. I need
that money.
Boycie
I am just potless, Del, and
that is no lie. I will pay
you that money as soon as
things pick up.
Del
It'll be too late by then!
Boycie
I am sorry, Del Boy. You can-
not get blood out of a stone.
Oh talking of blood, I heard
the Driscoll brothers were
looking for you.
This is exactly the same as being told that the Kray
twins wanted a word.
Del
Driscoll brothers looking for
me? What they looking for
with me? I never deal with
the Driscoll brothers. I make
sure of that.
Boycie
Well, perhaps they want to
look at Rodney's wedding
list?
Del
Very funny.
Boycie
Half a shandy, please,
Michael.
Del is more curious than worried at this point. We now
see Alan Parry (Cassandra's dad) enter. He is in his
early to mid-forties., smartly and expensively
dressed. Despite his success he had not lost his
cockney accent. He is a nice, genuine sort of bloke
who gets great pleasure out of these rare
opportunities to return to his roots. He has a small
red mark or bruise above one of his eye-lids.
Alan
I guessed I'd find you here,
you toerag.
Del
Alan, what a pleasant
surprise.
(To others at
the bar)
Here, look who's here.
Cassandra's dad, Rodney's
future father-in-law.
Alan
How d'you do? Nice to meet
you.
Mike
Let me shake you by the hand,
Alan. You're a brave man
taking a Trotter into your
family.
Alan
Rodney's alright, I like him.
Del
That's right. He's one in a
million. Now you come and sit
down over here, Alan, get
away from all this riff-raf.
What you drinking.
Alan
Just a lemonade for me,
thanks Del. That drink I had
with you last week, it
knocked me sideways. I
hardly touch the stuff these
days, and Pam, my wife, she
doesn't really agree with
drinking.
Del
You could always out her,
you know, get yourself a
younger model.
Alan
Yeah, but she's been with me
for so long she's almost one
of the family. Go on, I'll
have a small scotch, but
that's me lot.
Del
Alright, then. Can I have a
small scotch and the usual
for me, please. Here, what
you done to your eye?
Alan
Oh yeah, the aerial on that
phone you sold me came out
a bit fast.
Del
Oh yeah? Well you had been
on the sherbets, though, eh?
Anyway, what you doing round
here?
Alan
I'm just a bit bored, Del.
There's something wrong with
our television.
Del
Oh?
Alan
So I thought I'd pop round
here and have a chat about
the wedding arrangements.
You know, I think you
should make some sort of
contribution to the
proceedings.
Del
Oh yeah, of course.
Alan
I mean, what sort of a hall
do you think we should hire?
Del
Well, you know, I don't
think we ought to go mad,
you know, it's only a
registrar office wedding,
ain't it, eh? No, actually,
he's got a very nice hall
here, you know, and it's
cheap.
Alan
D'you know if I had my way
that's exactly where we'd
hold the reception - a good
old knees-up in a pub and
plenty of jellied eels.
Del
Well, this place is perfect,
innit? And it's cheap.
Alan
Yeah, yeah. But my wife Pam,
she's gone all up-market on
the idea. She wants to hold
the reception in a cricket
club pavilion or the country
club. Oh yeah, she's got it
all planned out. It's all
Dom Perignon and caviar.
Del
Oh yuck.
Alan
Not a jellied eel in sight.
So what do you think?
Del
Well, I reckon you ought
to put your foot down, you
know. How much is this
gonna cot me then?
Alan
Cost you? Oh Del, it's not
gonna cost you a penny. My
only child's getting
married and I'm paying for
the lot.
Del
Yeah, but I thought you
said you wanted me to make
a contribution.
Alan
Yeah, with ideas and
opinions.
Del
Oh well, actually, your
missus has got a point,
hasn't she? You know, I
don't think that you and me
ought to be selfish, should
we? After all, it is for the
happy couple, it is their
big day.
Alan
You don't like those sort of
surroundings, do you? I mean
champagne, caviar, country
clubs.
Del
Oh no, Alan, I hate it, I
hate it, all put on. I mean,
them people just do things
for effect.
Mike arrives with a small scotch for Alan and a very
exotic looking cocktail for Del (it's more like a
floral tribute).
Del
Here's to the big day.
Alan
Yeah.
INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is an hour or so later. Alan is not there. Del is
standing at the bar talking with Mike.
Mike
Boycie, Trigg, your minicab's
here.
Mickey Pearce and Jevon enter. Mickey has his arm in a
sling and Jevon is limping badly. But their faces are
unscathed.
Mickey
Del.
Del
You still haven't got the
hang of those revolving
doors, have you?
Mickey
Can we have a word, Del?
Del
Yeah, 'course you can yeah.
Michael, get Mickey and
Jevon a drink, will you?
Jevon
Those mobile phones we gave
you. You got the money for
them yet?
Del
Of course I haven't. I
haven't sold 'em yet.
Jevon
Oh Christ!
Mickey
Oh bloody hell!
Del
What's up with you two, eh?
Boycie, Trigger and Alan enter from the door that
leads upstairs.
They are holding Alan, who is drunk.
Alan
Del, I'll see you, Del.
Del
Yeah, cheers, Alan. Glad you
enjoyed the drink.
Boycie, Trigger and Alan exit.
Mike
Here, Del, that's a stroke
of luck. He's hired my hall
for the wedding reception
and I'm doing all the food
and drink. Where am I gonna
get jellied eels from?
Del
I don't believe it!
Mickey
See, those phones weren't
ours.
Del
We could have had a nice
country club.
Jevon
We had them on sale or
return, same as you.
Del
We could have been eating
caviar instead of Mike's
scotch eggs.
Mickey
Del, they want their money.
Del
I'm a caviar person, me,
you know, most probably.
Who wants their money?
Jevon & Mickey
The Driscoll brothers.
Boycie enters.
Del
The Driscoll brothers?
Boycie, and other people in the pub turn and look in
Del's direction.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Now quieter)
You two have been dealing
with the Driscoll brothers?
Jevon
Only with those mobile
phones. We thought they'd be
a good seller.
Del
They done your arm didn't
they? And your Gregory. That
is their trademark, they
don't touch the face but
they knock the hell out of
the body.
Mickey
Danny Driscoll said this was
a friendly warning. I'm
sorry, Del, we had to tell
him you'd taken the phones.
Jevon
They've got it in their
heads that you're trying to
con them. They're looking
for you, Del.
Del
I know, I know. I've had a
warning. But let me tell
you this: if I end up
supporting a flyover on the
M26, I guarantee you two
are gonna be in the next
junction.
Let us see Mickey's and Jevon's reaction.
Del
(Cont'd)
I'll get your drinks.
Del moves to the bar.
Boycie
Alright, what is all this
about the Driscoll brothers?
Del
Nothing, nothing at all.
Listen, if the Driscoll
brothers come in here ask-
ing for me, you ain't seen
me, alright?
Mike
Listen, I've heard of the
Driscoll bothers, Del, but
I've never seen them. What
they look like?
Boycie
Well, one of them looks like
he was evicted from the
planet of the apes.
Del
Yeah, and the other one
reminds me of Cliff Richard.
Mike
What, he's younger than his
years?
Del
No, he's got one of them
faces you'd like to slap.
Mike
Here, Trigg, did you get
Alan off home alright?
Trigger
Yeah. There was almost an
accident. The minicab
driver nearly reversed into
the Driscoll brothers' car.
Del
The Driscoll brothers are
here? What door they coming
in?
Trigger
Well, I dunno. They're just
getting out the car.
Mike
Upstairs, Del! Hide in the
hall.
Del, Mickey, Jevon and for some unknown reason Trigger,
rush to the door that leads upstairs.
Now two heavy guys enter (these are the enforcers)
followed by Danny Driscoll. He is middle forties, tall
and dressed in the time-honoured way of London
villains, three-piece suit, lairy tie, gold watch
chain hanging across his waistcoat, overcoat draped
over his shoulders.
Danny
Boycie, how nice.
Boycie
Hello, Danny. Your brother
not with you?
Now Tony Driscoll steps out from behind Danny. He is a
younger and much smaller man, a pugnacious little
sadist.
Boycie
(Cont'd)
Oh wotcher, Tony.
The Driscolls walk over to the bar.
Boycie
Drink?
Tony
No. Is that right Marlene's
up the spout?
Boycie
Yeah.
Danny shakes his head sadly.
Danny
Dear, dear, dear. Well, you
let us know the moment you
find out who done it and
we'll sort him out.
Boycie
Yeah, righto, Danny.
Now Danny laughs.
Boycie puts on a laugh.
Boycie
(Cont'd)
Yeah, good one, Danny, good
one.
Tony
Del Boy around?
Mike
No, no. I ain't seen him this
evening.
Danny
Well, that's funny. His
van's in the car park and
- what's this?
Danny has spotted Del's cigar and cocktail which are
still on the table.
Danny
(Cont'd)
A Castella, a Malibu reef.
Are you sure he's not
around? Think hard, guv'nor.
Mike
Well, he may have been in
earlier and then he left!
Danny.
I see. You just had this
place decorated?
Mike
Yeah.
Danny
Shame. I wanna buy everyone
in this pub a drink, what-
ever they want. Now here's
a pound and I want change.
Danny stares at Mike, daring him to argue.
Boycie
Large cognac, please, Michael.
Mike reacts.
INT. NAG'S HEAD. UPSTAIRS HALL. NIGHT. STUDIO.
There is a hole in the wall which acts as a makeshift
bar.
At the far end we have a low stage with curtains either
side. We now see the curtain on left of stage move.
Del
Keep still, will you?
We cut to behind curtains.
We find the four desperadoes standing behind the
curtain. Jevon is nearest to the edge of the curtains.
Mickey is next to him. Then Trigger and finally Del
who is furthest away from the curtain's edge.
Del's voxphone is in the breast pocket of his jacket or
his trendy green trenchcoat. We can see the top of the
voxphone clearly. For the first time Del realises that
Trigger is with them.
Del
(Quietly to
Trigger)
Trigg, what you doing here?
It's got nothing to do with
you. What are you doing
here with us?
Trigger hadn't thought of this either.
Trigger
I dunno really. You said
quick upstairs so I just
went.
Del shakes his head sadly.
We see the entrance doors and ear footsteps approach-
ing. The door is kicked. It shudders on its hinges but
doesn't open.
Danny
There's a doorknob there,
Tony. Why don't you just
turn it like a human being?
The door opens and Tony, Danny and the two heavies
appear.
Danny looks immediately towards the curtain and smiles
to himself, he gestures with his head towards the
curtains. Tony doesn't understand the gesture. His
face says "What?" Angrily, Danny gestures again but
more sharply with his head. Tony now understands, and
takes one of those long poles used for opening high
windows and approaches the left hand curtains.
He now thrusts the pole at head height towards the
curtain. The curtain between Mickey and Jevon's head
protrudes with the thrust of the pole. He now thrusts
the pole at hip height. The curtain between Del's
legs protrudes with the thrust of the pole. His
frustration becomes too much. Accompanied by a manic
scream he hurls the pole at the right hand curtain.
It smashes into curtain and clatters to the floor.
Danny
Let's try the bogs.
The four move towards the entrance door. We cut to
behind curtain.
Jevon
They're going!
Mickey
(Whispers)
We're in the clear.
Trigger taps Del's chest - the voxphone. Trigger has
in fact hit the 'aerial release' button.
There is a tiny whirring sound, and almost instant-
aneously with the tap the aerial shoots up Del's nose.
Del
Aaaurghh!
We se Danny and Tony who were about to exit, stop at
the door.
We not see the curtains on left of stage moving
violently. Mickey and Jevon appear. They smile
wildly and are terrified by Danny. Now Trigger and
Del appear. Del still has the voxphone stuck up his
nose and is struggling to dislodge it.
Danny
He's got one of our phones
up his nose.
Tony
That's a good idea, innit?
Del
(Pinched nose
sound)
Yed, dank you Danny, I dust
dot dis done duck up my dose.
Danny
Tone, help the man.
Del
Do, dat's alwite.
Tony moves to Del and yanks the phone free. It comes
free accompanied by a loud 'pop'.
Del
Aaargh! Thanks for your help,
Tony.
Danny
I thought I said I didn't
want to see your faces round
here any more.
Jevon
Yes, Mr Driscoll.
Mickey
Thank you Mr Driscoll.
Mickey and Jevon leave quickly.
Tony
That goes for you too.
Trigger
Yeah, but...
Del
Go on Trigg, see you later.
Trigger leaves.
Tony
You owe us two thousand
pounds. You got the money?
Del
No, of course I haven't got
the money. I haven't sold
the phones yet, have I?
Danny
Don't give us that, Derek.
Them two youngsters Ebony
and Ivory took the phones
from us over three months
ago.
Del
Three months? I didn't know
that, Danny.
Danny
Do you think we're stupid?
(Looking to
Tony)
Do you think I'm stupid?
Del
No.
Danny
Those two munchkins work for
you and you're doing a bit
of a Fagin, but you picked
the wrong ones this time. If
you don't come up with the
two grand I'm gonna take his
collar and lead off and let
him loose on you.
Del
Hang on! You got it wrong,
you've got it all wrong. I
tell you what: you can have
all the phones back.
Danny
I don't want all that old
rubbish back.
Tony
They used to make our telly
go funny.
Danny
And that model's old now,
and at least one of them's
been up your hooter.
Del
You've got to give me a bit
of time. I mean, you two
ain't short of a couple of
grand.
Danny
And you know why we ain't
short a few bob?
Del
No.
Danny
'Cos we don't let debts
linger. Can we explain some-
thing to you, Del? When me
and Tony were kids we was
very, very poor. Our old
man used to work in the
stables in one of them big
mansion houses. He used to
work from six in the morning
'til eight at night and what
for? A pittance.
Tony
A shilling a day and a
horseshit sandwich.
Danny
Then one day there was a
robbery at the mansion. The
bill arrested our old man,
but there wasn't any
evidence, was there?
Tony
That's right - just finger-
prints.
Danny
Just fingerprints.
Tony
And eyewitnesses.
Danny
Couple of eyewitnesses...
They found the jewels on
him.
Tony
It was a plant.
Danny
Yeah. It was a right fit-up.
He died in a police cell
with a fractured skull.
They said it was a suicide
attempt that went wrong, or
right, whatever way you
look at it. They claimed he
tried to hang himself with
his braces and smashed
himself to death on the
ceiling. Do you believe
that?
Del
No, no, I don't.
Danny
The day he died, me and Tony
swore that no one would ever
dump on us and we would
never, never be poor.
Del
Wait a minute! After your
dad died you two went to a
young offenders' home, and
who was it that used to
look after your old mum
with some hooky groceries
and a bag of coal and all
that - it was me, weren't
it, eh? Come on, you owe
me. No, I mean, you owe me
at least a bit of time.
Danny
He's right.
Tony
No, he ain't.
Danny
We owe him.
Tony
I don't think we do.
Danny
Tony, we had an agreement -
I do the thinking, you
don't. Alright, Del, you
got yourself a bit of time.
Del
Cheers, cheers, Danny. When
will I see you again?
Danny
Dunno. We'll surprise you.
Del
Good. I'll look forward to
that.
Danny
Get the money.
Del
Right.
Danny
Either you pay us or we pay
you.
The Driscolls and the heavies move towards the exit
door.
As they do so Boycie arrives. He seems surprised to
find them still there.
Boycie
Oh hello, Danny. Just popped
up to see if you needed any
help.
Danny
No, I think we handled it
pretty well on our own. Be
seeing you soon.
The Driscolls and the heavies exit.
Boycie moves to Del.
Boycie
Del, Mickey Pearce has just
told me you got some
electrical equipment off
the Driscolls.
Del
Yes, that's right.
Boycie
It's not those video record-
ers you sold me, is it?
Del is about to say 'no' when he realises that he's
missing a chance to get some money.
Del
N... Yeah!
Boycie
God, do the Driscolls know?
Del
I haven't said anything,
you know, yet.
Boycie
Well, you're not gonna tell
them I got them, are you?
Del
Look, they wanna give some-
one a good hidin'. Tell us
what it was like, won't you,
Boycie?
Boycie produces three packs of notes still in bank
wrappers.
Boycie
Here... Here's most of the
money I owe you.
Del
I thought you were skint?
Boycie
I thought I was but then I
suddenly happened to find
three grad in my pocket.
Square it with the
Driscolls. Keep them off
me.
Del
Leave it to me, Boyce. What
are friends for?
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is Rodney's stag night.
All the gang are there, Mike, Boycie, Trigger, Mickey
Pearce and Jevon.
A comic is on stage doing a stag night routine - or at
least most of his gags are about marriage and are
aimed at Rodney.
Comic
So remember, Rodney, marriage
is like a self-service
restaurant - you get what you
want, you see what your mates
got and you want some of
that.
Denzil
I remember my stag night,
Rodney. It was about one
o'clock in the car park and
I was just about to stagger
home when they jumped out on
me.
Rodney
Who, who jumped out on you?
Denzil
I dunno. It was pitch black.
Anyway, they super-glued a
learner sign to me pants and
run off and left me.
Del and Rodney are laughing.
Denzil
(Cont'd)
I didn't mind the learner
sign. I just wish they'd let
me have my trousers back.
Rodney
(Laughing a
drunken laugh)
What! You didn't, you didn't
have no trousers on?
Denzil
No, Rodney, no.
Albert
I'm just popping out.
Del
Albert, just a minute. While
you're up there, put another
score in the whip.
Albert moves around the bar and makes his way towards
the gents. From the stage the comic spots him.
Comic
Oh look, there he goes, hi-
hoe. Alright mate?
Albert sneers in return and continues towards door.
Comic
(Cont'd)
Fancy putting your head on
upside down!
Albert
I fought in the war.
Comic
What? The Boer War?
Albert exits.
The Driscolls enter.
Comic
(Cont'd)
Go on, get out of here, you
miserable old so-and-so.
Here listen lads. There was
this fellow, he was really
short. I tell you how short
he was. He got a job at
mothercare as a bouncer,
that's how short he was. He
was so short, well, he...
Tony gives him a look that could kill from fifty paces.
The comic reacts, frightened.
Comic
(Cont'd)
Well, he wasn't that short...
A tall feller, he was very
tall...
Danny Driscoll reacts.
Comic
(Cont'd)
No, he wasn't tall, he was a
woman.
Denzil
Del, I don't wish to spoil
the surprise, but the
Driscol brothers have just
arrived.
Del
Oh have they? Well, let them
wait a while.
Denzil
Do you need any backup?
Del
No, it's alright, Denzil,
thanks. Thanks a lot. No,
don't worry. I've got
their money.
Rodney
Are you... Are you having
a good time, Del?
Del
Yes, yes, I'm having a
blinding time, Rodders,
yeah, yeah.
Rodney
I get married in two days'
time.
Del
Yeah, I know you do. You
wanna keep off the sherbet,
otherwise you're gonna
have a hangover in Rimini.
Rodney
Oi, Del at the cerem...
Del
Ceremony yeah, right...
Rodney
...ceremony, will they...
they won't say my middle
name will they?
Del
No, no. He'll just call
you, you know, like
Rodney Trotter...
Rodney
I wanna thank you, Del.
You've done everything for
me in my life.
Del
Yes, alright. Shut up,
Rodney.
Rodney
When I was a kid, he brought
me up, when I was a nipper.
Denzil
Yeah, I know, Rodney. I re-
member.
Rodney
He looked after me my
brother did. I mean, if it
wasn't for him, right, I
could have been a drunk...
or I could have been a
snu-gliffer or anything.
And I tell you something
else about this man: he's
giving me two thousand
pounds for a deposit on my
flat.
Del is smiling. The smile dies and turns to a look of
horror as he remembers his promise.
Del
(To Denzil)
I forgot that.
Denzil
Oh hell.
Tony Driscol beckons Del. He indicates outside.
Del
Rodney, alright now, you
stay here, right? You just
listen to the man, alright?
Back in a minute.
Del crosses to the Driscolls and exits.
Comic
Course, my wife, she used to
sell ice creams in the
cinema. When we got married
she went up the aisle back-
wards. She was lovely. We
were driving home one night
and she said, 'Would you
like to see where I had the
operation?' I said, 'Yeah'.
She said, 'See the hospital
up there on the hill...'
Rodney
I'll tell you. Del, right,
he's the bested bloke in
the world.
Denzil
Yeah, I know. Listen,
Rodney, sometimes people
say things that they mean,
what they really mean
is...
Rodney
What you mean?
Denzil
Well, sometimes they promise
things and they really mean
to keep that promise, but
other things stop them from
doing it.
Rodney looks at him long and hard. Then bursts out
laughing for no apparent reason.
Denzil looks away defeated.
INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
It is in darkness except for the light coming from
the hall which leads to the bedrooms.
We hear a key in the front door and Rodney enters. He
is trouserless and has a learner sign super-glued to
his boxer shorts. He is drunk and seething.
He pauses in the centre of the room and tries to focus
in the half-light. He now staggers from the corridor
to the bedrooms area.
INT. CORRIDOR TO BEDROOM AREA/BATHROOM. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Rodney
Del!
Rodney staggers towards the bedroom area.
We hear Del from inside the bathroom. He makes the
kind of sound people make when they've had too much to
drink.
Rodney
Del! Del! Are you in the
bathroom?
Del
Yeah, yeah.
Rodney
Thanks for walking out and
leaving me like that.
Del
Sorry! I had too much to
drink. I come over bad. I'm
still feeling a bit rough.
Rodney
Oh and thanks for not
getting me that money.
Denzil explained that you
had something more
important to spend it on!
You promised me. I've told
Cassandra and her mum and
dad and everything. I said
I've got the money. What
am I gonna look like now,
eh? I'll tell you what I'm
gonna look like now. I'm
gonna look like a right
tit-head, that's what I'll
look like.
Cut to bathroom, this is also in half-light.
We just see Del's face, maybe in the mirror. He is
sweating and heavy-eyed, just like someone who's had
too much to drink.
Del
Your money's on the table.
Rodney
What?
Del
Your deposit money. It's on
the table.
Rodney reacts to the news. Not sure whether to be over-
joyed or suspicious. He staggers towards the lounge.
We now see that Del is bare-chested. His body is
covered in bruises, scratches and cuts, courtesy of
the Driscoll brothers. He bathes his wounds with a
flannel and a basinful of cold water. Each touch of
the flannel on his wounds make him wince with pain.
Rodney enters from the lounge holding a bundle of
notes.
Rodney
Del?
Del
Yeah?
Rodney
Thanks.
Del
It's alright, bruv. It was a
pleasure.
Rodney
Del... I'm sorry, right?
Del
Oh leave it out, you tart.
Rodney
You're still gonna be my
best man, aren't you?
Del
Yeah, 'course I am.
Rodney
We'll have a good old knees
-up eh?
Del
I think I've had enough of
that for one night, Rodney.
Rodney
And I tell you what - we'll
have a good old sing-song.
Del
Yeah, as long as you don't
mind me sounding like the
Bee Gees.
Del winces as he dabs one of his cuts.
INT. REGISTRY OFFICE. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney and Cassandra are standing in front of the
table.
The registrar and clerk are behind the table. Del is
standing a few yards behind Rodney and to his right
(or is it left?) one of Cassandra's friends, who is
also acting as witness, is standing a few yards
behind Cassandra.
We see Alan and Pam (Cassandra's parents). Pam, in her
early forties and very smartly dressed. As Alan
described her, she is slightly up-market. They both
smile on benignly. Behind them are Cassandra's friends
and relatives.
On the Trotters side we have Albert, Boycie and five-
month pregnant Marlene, Trigger, Denzil, Mike, Mickey
Pearce and Jevon. Mickey and Jevon are with girls.
Registrar
I do solemnly declare.
Rodney
I do solemnly declare.
Registrar
That I know of no lawful
impediment.
Rodney
That I know of no lawful
impediment.
Registrar
That I may not be joined in
matrimony to this woman,
Cassandra Louise Parry.
Rodney
That I may not be joined in
matrimony to this woman,
Cassandra Louise Parry.
Registrar
Do you have the ring?
Rodney and Cassandra turn to their witnesses for
the rings. Del hands Rodney the ring. This is all
done with great decorum. Rodney and Cassandra
place the rings on the fingers.
Registrar
Now repeat after me: I call
upon these persons here
present.
Rodney
I call upon these persons
here present.
Registrar
To witness that I, Rodney
Charlton Trotter...
The Trotter side starts to laugh. We actually hear
Boycie, Denzil, Mickey and Jevon repeat the word
'Charlton'.
Rodney reacts with 'I knew this would happen' reaction.
Del turns away and grins, but this makes his ribs hurt
and he winces. Cassandra smiles and turns away. The
registrar coughs gently to try and bring some order.
Registrar
(Cont'd)
That I, Rodney Charlton
Trotter...
We hear more gaffaws and squeals from the Trotters'
side. Del, despite his smile, is gesturing for order.
Registrar
(To the Trotter
side, nicely)
I would appreciate it if the
guests would conduct them-
selves in a manner more
becoming to this occasion,
thank you.
Rodney
That I, Rodney Charlton
Trotter.
There are more laughs and squeals from the Trotter
side.
Registrar
Take this woman, Cassandra
Louise Parry, to be my lawful
wedded wife.
Rodney
Take this woman, Cassandra
Louise Parry, to be my lawful
wedded wife.
Registrar
Now repeat after me: I call
upon these persons here
present.
Cassandra
I call upon these persons
here present
Registrar
To witness that I, Cassandra
Louise Parry.
Cassandra
To witness that I, Cassandra
Louise Parry.
Registrar
Take this man, Rodney Charl
... Rodney Trotter.
Cassandra
Take this man, Rodney
Trotter.
Registrar
To be my lawful wedded
husband.
Cassandra
To be my lawful wedded
husband.
Registrar
Now you have both made the
declarations required by
law and you have made a
solemn and binding contract
with each other in the
presence of your witnesses,
you are now husband and
wife. You may kiss the
bride.
Rodney
Thank you.
Rodney and Cassandra kiss. Cassandra's parents and
relatives observe this with sweeter and maybe
emotional smiles. The Trotters side greet it with
cheers, wolf whistles, etc. Rodney is embarrassed by
the whole thing.
The registrar now offers Rodney the pen to sign the
marriage certificate.
INT. NAG'S HEAD HALL UPSTAIRS. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Pam
Now the moment you two get
back from honeymoon, you must
call me.
Cassandra
Look, we haven't even gone
yet.
Alan
Don't you be late for your
first day at work, Rodney.
Rodney
No, I'll be there, Alan.
Pam
You'll have to come round for
dinner.
Rodney
Oh thank you, Pamela.
Alan
We could invite Del.
Pam
Er... well...
Rodney senses her embarrassment.
Rodney
He'll most probably be busy.
Pam
Yes.
Alan
Well, I'm seeing him on
Wednesday. I'll ask him.
Pam
You're not going to get drunk
again?
Alan
No. He's taking me to a pie
and mash shop.
Pam
What for?
Alan
For pie and mash.
Cassandra
I think I'll just go and say
goodbye to a few more
people.
Cassandra and Rodney move away.
Pam
What's happened to you? Ever
since you've met Rodney's
brother you've become like a
born-again hooligan. It's
thanks to you that my
daughter's wedding reception
is being held at this
ghastly pub, all champagne
and welks; there's spoons of
jellied eels everywhere.
Alan
That's because I like
jellied eels. Look Pamela,
I've worked all my life. I'm
a successful businessman in
charge of a successful
business! And if I fancy
eating the occasional bowl
of jellied eels, I will eat
the occasional bowl of
jellied eels.
We see Del in the background. He hasn't heard any of
this.
Del
Hey, Alan, there ain't many
of them jellied eels left,
I'd get stuck in if I was
you.
Alan crosses back to get the jellied eels.
Del joins Rodney.
Cassandra
See you in a minute.
Del
Are you off then, bruv?
Rodney
Yeah, going in a minute.
Del
Just wanted to... er... just
wanted to say, Rodney, that
I'm really proud of you.
You've got it all now, ain't
you? New job, new flat, new
wife, new life.
Rodney
Yeah. We had a few good
years, eh?
Del
Some good times.
Rodney
Some right laughs, eh?
Del
And a couple of tears. But
that's all part of it. I
just wish that Mum...
Rodney
Oh no, shut up! You'll have
me going.
They now just look at each other. It's almost as if
one of them's emigrating.
Rodney now embraces Del. Del shouts out in pain.
Del
Oohhh.
Rodney
What's wrong?
Del
I got a bit of a bruise. I
don't know how I got it.
Cassandra
Goodbye, Del, and thanks for
everything.
Cassandra hugs Del.
Del
That's alright sweetheart.
Listen, will you do some-
thing for me?
Cassandra
What?
Del
Be gentle with him.
Cassandra
Oh shut up!
Cassandra and Rodney moves towards the exit. Rodney
pauses at the door and looks at Del, then exits.
Marlene appears.
Marlene
I didn't know Rodney's
middle name was Charlton.
Del
Oh yeah, it was me mum. She
was a fan.
Marlene
Oh what? Charlton Heston?
Del
No. Charlton Athletic.
Marlene
Duke, get off that table.
You gonna have a dance with
me Del?
Del
Not right now Marlene, under
this shirt I am covered in
scratches and bruises.
Marlene
Who have you been going out
with then?
Del
It's a long story.
Marlene
How come you never got
married, Del?
Del
Me? No, I'm too shrewd for
that game.
Marlene
You got engaged, though,
didn't you? Lots of times.
So why didn't you marry any
of them?
Del
I dunno. It was Rodney, I
suppose.
Marlene
Rodney stopped you getting
married?
Del
Well, back in them days
Rodney was just a kid, you
know, and I had to bring him
up.
Marlene
You were like a mother and
father to him.
Del
Yeah, I breast fed him for
the first six months. No,
it's just that all the birds
that I went out with they
wanted to get married but
they didn't want to bring
Rodney up, especially the
way he went through shoes.
So what was I supposed to
do? Marry them and stick
Rodders into care? Nah, I
elbowed them. It's family,
innit?
Marlene
You should be proud of
yourself. He's turned out a
real good 'un.
Del
Yeah, he's a diamond. A
forty-two-carat, diamond.
Boycie
Come along, Marlene.
(To Del)
I wanna have a word with you
during the week. You should
see what that Chinese kid
has done to my video
recorders.
Marlene
See you, Del.
Del
Bye-bye sweetheart.
Marlene
Bye.
Del
Bye, sweetheart.
Marlene
Come on, Duke.
Del
Cheerio, Boycie.
Albert follows.
The last few stragglers are leaving the hall. They
call or wave goodbyes to Del. Now, save for the
sleeping jock, Del is alone in the hall. The record
'Holding Back the Years' by Simply Red is playing.
He looks around the empty hall and thinks back to
the good times and the not so good times. He thinks
of Rodney's new found happiness. He thinks of his
own future and he doesn't like the taste.
He knows he'll never be that millionaire. But there
is one tiny spot, deep in his heart, that refuses
to let his hapless dream die. And that is the spot
that Del now goes to.
He holds his head up defiantly as the repeated
chorus from ' Holding Back the Years' plays across
his face. ("I'll keep holding on").
Mike appears and breaks Del's concentration.
Mike
Cassandra's dad's been ill
in the toilet.
Del
I told him not to eat all
them jellied eels.
Mike
I've got to lock up, Del.
Del
Yeah, alright, Mike. Thanks
very much for a very nice do.
Mike
Cheers, mate.
Mike moves towards the sleeping jock. Del walks to the
exit door with the record playing over.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
This is two weeks after the wedding. The flat is in
darkness.
We hear a key in the front door.
Now Del enters from hall. He is dressed in his market
gear and carries the suitcase.
The cordless phone begins ringing.
Del
Hello, Trotter Independent
Traders... Oh it's you,
Albert... er... no, it's
alright, I've only just got
in, yeah. Where are you...
oh you're round at Elsie
Partridge's are you? Oh
yeah, got your plates of
meat under the table there,
ain't you, eh, you saucy
old goat? What? No, no,
they're back from their
honeymoon. Yeah, I saw
Rodney this morning racing
off to work. Yeah, he
looked great, he did, nice
three-piece suit, smart
tie, yeah, and his
executive briefcase, yeah,
the lot... You what? No,
no, I didn't have chance
to speak to him. I was in
the van and he came racing
past on his bicycle... The
honeymoon? Yeah, I think
that went alright, yeah.
He was as white as a
sheet... You what? Oh
yeah, you off down the
Legion tonight, are you...
Me? No. Well, I'm alone.
Well, no, no. I'm not
alone, really; it's just
the way I'd like it to
be... No, no thanks very
much, Albert. I appreciate
the offer but I'm not in
the mood for dominoes
tonight... Yeah, I'll see
you when I see you.
The door to hall opens and a very tired Rodney enters.
He is wearing the clothes Del described - a three-piece
suit, a smart tie, a trendy raincoat and is carrying an
executive-style briefcase. He has bicycle grip around
his ankles.
Rodney
(Tired)
Alright?
Del
(Stunned to
see him)
Yeah, triffic, Rodders.
Rodney flops down in the armchair.
Rodney
I am exhausted.
Del
Yeah you look a bit cream
crackered. What is it?
Executive stress, is it?
Rodney
No, it's that bike. The
wheels hardly go round, the
chain's come off twice and
the front light don't work.
Where d'you get it from?
Del
I dunno. It's been in the
garage for years.
Rodney
(Yawning)
What's for tea?
Del
I ain't got a clue have I?
Can I say something to you?
Give you a piece of advice
that may hold you in good
stead in the, you know,
future?
Rodney
Yeah, go on, then.
Del
It's just that, well, how
can I put it?
(Shouting at
him)
You don't live here no more.
From Rodney, a momentary pause before it sinks in.
Rodney
Oh, bloody 'ell! She'll go
loopy.
Rodney exits, closing the door behind him. He now
rushes in and grabs his briefcase.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
I'll phone you, right?
Del
Yeah, righto, bruv.
Rodney exits, closing door behind him.
Rodney
Take care, Del.
Del
You too, Rodders.
He now rushes back in and grabs his bicycle clips.
Rodney
I'll see you.
Del
See you around.
Rodney exits, closing door behind him. This time we
hear the front door slam. Del has a great big smile.
He now knows that things aren't going to be as bad
as he imagined. No matter what happens, Rodney will
always be around.
Del
(Cont'd)
What a plonker!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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