INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Rodney's computer is on the table. Del, wearing his market
clothes, is laying asleep on a chair.
From the kitchen we can hear the tinny sound of an old
spin dryer.
Rodney
Oh come on, Cassandra...Yeah,
I know you've got your
studying to do. Can't we just
go out for a quick drink or a
pizza or something, then you
can do your studying when you
get home. Well, you know it's
'cos I like being with you. I
sort of miss you when we're
apart... Alright, I'll tell
you the truth. I'm bored
stiff in this flat... What?
No, that's Albert, he's got
himself a new spin dryer,
well it was new once! He
bought it cheap 'cos of the
bomb damage. Yes, at the
moment it's jumping around
the kitchen like a Dalek with
St Vitus's dance. Del? He's
laid out asleep in the chair
with his dodgy stomach...
Yeah, he's still getting
them pains. Well, he's going
out later for a vindaloo...
no, well to him, you see,
it's a sort of alternative
medicine... I don't want to
go out with him for a
curry... I'll spend the
evening in. Albert's got
that old bird of his coming
round - Elsie Partridge, I
told you about her. We'll
most probably play some Max
Bygraves platters and then
sit and talk about our
ailments. Pity Del's going
out, he'd have liked that. Oh
well, that's very nice of
them. Well, tell your parents
thank you very much, I'd love
to come to tea tomorrow.
Seven o'clock tomorrow,
lovely... Well, I'll see you
tomorrow evening then.
We see that Del is sound asleep. Rodney smiles, satis-
fied that he will not be overheard.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You know I love you. Don't I
tell you often enough? Do
you love me? Oh very funny,
Cassandra, I'm laughing this
end as well... Alright,
alright, I'll see you
tomorrow.
He blows a kiss down the phone. Now another kiss, then
a third one.
Albert enters from the kitchen surrounded by a great
cloud of steam.
Albert
Here y'are son. I bought a
Chinese take-away earlier,
I've just warmed it up.
We've got fried pork, fried
rice and... something.
Rodney
How can you stay out in the
kitchen with all that steam
and noise?
Albert
I'm an old naval stoker,
ain't I? That's nothing to
me. I remember coming round
Cape Horn once, I was on
this merchantman.
Rodney
The things you and your
mates got up to!
Albert
A merchantman's a ship.
Rodney
Oh!
Albert
It was so hot and steamy in
the boiler room that when I
come out I was shrivelled
like a prune.
Rodney
Oh, that's what caused it.
Albert
I hate it when you're in a
sarky mood, Rodney! D'you
reckon Del Boy should eat
all this fried food? He's
been getting a lot of jip
with his guts lately.
Rodney
There's nothing wrong with
him. He had a similar thing
years ago. We rushed him
into casualty one night.
They had ECG machines out,
doctors and nurses every-
where. Then he burped! That
was it, a miracle cure.
Albert
Well, perhaps you're right.
I'll get the knives and
forks.
Rodney moves computer from table. Instead of then usual
computer beep we hear a short, low buzz (like a warning).
Del automatically rubs his belly.
Del
Sorry. You alright, bruv?
Rodney
Yeah, how you feeling?
Del
Triffic, Rodders, brill.
What's all that whirring
noise?
Rodney
That's Albert's spin dryer.
Del
His what?
Del goes to the kitchen and opens the door.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oi, what is your game? What
are you doing buying this
old junk? Here, look at it,
it's knocking all the paint
off the units.
Albert comes out of kitchen.
Albert
I got it as an investment,
Del. It cost us 50 pence to
get our clothes dry at the
laundromat. I bought that off
the bloke upstairs for a
score.
Del
You dozy old twonk! That's
the one I sold him last week
for a tenner. Why didn't you
come and ask me first?
Albert
I didn't like to bother you,
boy. Not with you being ill.
Del
Ill? I'm not ill. There's
nothing wrong with me.
Albert
But you got that stomach
trouble again.
Del
It's not stomach trouble.
It's just pains, normal pains.
Albert
Well, you came in tonight and
flopped straight down on that
sofa in agony.
Del
No, you don't understand Unc,
it's called PMA.
Rodney
PM... I thought only women
got that.
Del
No no Rodney, that's PMP. PMA
means positive mental
attitude. That' my buzzword.
It's what us yuppies have
got. See, what I was dong was
laying on the chair psyching
myself up for the challenge
of tomorrow.
Albert
So what was all the sweating
and holding your belly about?
Del
Oh that was nothing. There's
nothing wrong with me...
Rodney, go to the bathroom
and fetch us some Andrews
Liver Salts, will you?
Rodney goes into the kitchen
Albert
I'll do you a plate of
Chinese, Del. Gawd knows what
those local takeaways are
gonna do when they know we're
gonna move.
Del now worried, almost fearful, is like a man facing
a confession.
Del
Move?
Albert
Didn't you see that letter?
It arrived this morning. It
says on the envelope it's
from the council housing
department.
Del
Oh, that? Yeah, I read it.
Albert
Is it about them letting us
buy this flat?
Del
No, it's not about them
letting us buy this flat.
It's about them evicting us
from this flat.
Albert
Evicting us?
Del
Ssshhh! I don't want Rodney
to know about this. I haven't
paid the rent on this place
for the last three months.
Albert
Cor blimey! I knew things
were a bit tight but I didn't
know they were that bad.
Del
It's all gone wrong for me,
Albert. All me investments
have gone sidewards. Rodney's
been down the market for over
a week trying to flog these
exclusive women's fashions.
But all the frost and sleet
seems to have put 'em off
buying summer dresses. I've
been tucked up by some of my
other investments and at the
end I just couldn't afford
to pay the rent.
Albert
No, but you're still drinking
those pina coladas in the
wine bars. You're still
eating in the curry houses
and the bistros.
Del
That is all on the slate.
I've gotta keep me image up.
Once your competitors get an
inkling that you're going
down the pan, they start
queue-jumping to pull the
chain. And that plonker
Rodney ain't helping me.
Albert
Yeah, I se what you mean.
Don't worry about it, Del.
Del
Don't worry about it! I
ain't had a decent night's
kip for the last two weeks
worrying about it. It's
with me everywhere, all the
time.
Albert
Something'll turn up right
out of the blue, you'll see.
He who dares wins, eh?
Del
(Half-hearted and
almost defeated)
Yeah, he who dares wins. Oh
you cowson.
Albert
You've gotta see a quack
with that belly of yours.
Del
There's nothing wrong with
me. They're just normal
pains. You keep the doctors
away from me, Albert. I
don't like doctors.
Albert
You could go and see that
Scottish quack - what's his
name? Dr Meadows. He's not
like a normal doctor, he's
sort of human. You know you
can talk to him. He's like
a mate.
Del
Look, I do not want to go
and see Dr Meadows 'cos
there is nothing wrong with
me. Alright?
Albert
It's your life son.
Del
Yes, it is my life and I
don't wanna hear no more
about it.
Albert
Alright son, I won't say
another word on the subject.
Rodney enters with the tin of Andrews.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Don't you think Del Boy ought
to go to the docot's with his
belly?
Del
Oh Gawd!
Rodney
He won't go to the doctor's,
though, will he? 'Cos he's
terrified of doctors.
Del
I am not terrified of
doctors. The reason I am not
going to see Dr Meadows is
'cos there's nothing wrong
with me.
Rodney makes the sound of a chicken clucking.
Del
(To Rodney)
You're starting to wind me
up, Rodney. I'll get a glass
for this.
Albert
You seeing Cassandra tonight?
Rodney
No, not tonight, Unc.
Del
No, he's going round tomorrow
night for tea.
Rodney
That's right. Her mum and dad
said I could... You git, you
was ear wigging my
conversation.
Del
'Of course I love you,
Cassandra. I tell you often
enough, don't I?'
Del then blows three kisses.
Rodney
That is out of order, Derek.
Del is laughing as he enters the kitchen without noticing
the steam. Now, from in kitchen (OOV) we hear him cry out
in alarm.
Rodney
That's not fair is it? It was
a private conversation.
Albert
Why d'you speak to her from
the living room? It's a
cordless phone, Rodney. You
could have talked in one of
the other rooms.
Rodney
Like where? I couldn't use
my bedroom 'cos the walls
are so thin the people next
door can hear, and I can't
use the kitchen 'cos you've
got R2D2 break-dancing in
there.
Albert
You could use the bathroom.
Rodney
The bathr... Albert, I cannot
hold a romantic conversation
surrounded by damp towels,
Del's soggy espadrilles and a
bog with no lid. Besides,
it's freezing in that
bathroom.
Albert
You've noticed that as well,
have you?
Rodney
Well, you can hardly fail to
notice it, can you? Our
bathroom window gets
condensation on the outside.
Albert
Why d'you think that room is
so cold?
Rodney
Well, I don't know, do I?
Albert
Now listen, son, listen. You
may call me a silly old
sod...
Rodney
You're a silly old sod.
Albert
Look, be serious, Rodney. Us
sailors are superstitious,
it's sort of an affinity
with the supernatural, and I
think there's a presence in
that bathroom.
Rodney
A presence?
Albert
When you're in the shower,
don't you feel there's
someone else there with you?
Rodney
Yeah but there usually is.
Del's having a shave or you
doing your toenails.
Albert
The reason that room is so
cold is it's possessed.
Rodney
(His protest is
feeble)
Oh leave off, Unc.
Albert
Elsie Partridge is a medium.
She knows all there is to
know about the supernatural,
and she said she could sense
a presence in that bathroom.
Rodney
Blimey!
Del enters from the kitchen, carrying a glass.
Del
It's like a sauna out there.
Switch that thing off.
Albert
It'll be finished in a
minute, Del. D'you want to
put anything in it for you?
Del
Yes, your head.
Del pours himself a brandy.
Rodney
Have you ever noticed how
cold our bathroom is?
Del
Yeah, yeah I have. It does
get a bit tatas out there,
don't it?
Rodney
When you're in there, right,
do you ever get the feeling
that you're not alone?
Del
You mean as if there's
someone else there with you?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
What, sort of a strange
feeling?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
Like as if you're being
watched?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
No! Why? Do you?
Rodney
No, no. It's Albert reckons
it's possessed.
Del
Possessed? Do me a favour.
Give us a couple of months
and it might be repossessed.
Del now stirs a spoonful of Andrews into his brandy.
Albert
Elsie Partridge reckons it's
haunted.
Del starts laughing into his drink. This in turn gives
a twinge in the stomach.
Del
Oh stop it, will you? You're
making me hurt!
Albert
Elsie Partridge is a medium.
Del
Is she? Well, you better whip
that round to her, then. That
should fit her a treat.
Albert
I'm not talking about her
dress size. She's a spiritua-
list. She can contact the
departed.
Del
Yeah, I et that's where she
pulled you.
Albert
She has powers, Del. She in
one of the true communicat-
ors. Back in the early
Sixties she used to hold
regular meetings in that hall
above John Colliers. People
come from miles around to
listen to Elsie. They paid
thousands of pounds to use
her powers of communication.
Rodney
I think there is more to this
occult lark than meets the
eye, Del.
Del
Do me a favour, Rodders. No
self-respecting ghost is
gonna haunt our bathroom, is
it? Specially after he's
been in there.
Rodney
Then why is it always so
cold?
Del
It's either one of two
reasons, Rodney. One, it
could be as you two say that
the phantom of the karzy has
struck again. Or, two, it
could be something to do
with the fact that the
council has put our
extractor fan in the wrong
way round.
Rodney
Oh yeah. They were supposed
to come back and mend it,
weren't they?
Del
Ghosts and ghouls! You two
slaughter me.
Del exits to the bedroom area.
Albert
I suppose that extractor fan
could have something to do
with it.
Del now enters from the bedroom area. He is deep in
thought as he walks across to Albert.
Del
Thousands of pounds?
Albert
Eh?
Del
You said they paid that Elsie
Partridge thousands of pounds?
Albert
Yeah. But she never took a
penny of it, Del. She used to
send it all to Battersea
Dog's Home. I bet she wished
she'd have kept some of it
now she's only got her
pension to live on.
Del
But they still paid her all
that lovely money, though?
Albert
Yeah, they'd pay a fortune to
talk to their... No, no, Del.
She's retired now.
Del
Maybe she'd like a part-time
job.
Rodney
No, just drop it, Del?
Del
Don't you see what this
means? You were right.
Albert
Was I?
Del
You said something would
turn up out of the blue. And
this is it. Me and Elsie
Partridge, what a
combination. The old-age
pensioner with a priceless
gift and a successful yuppy
who's brassic flint. We
could make a fortune for
each other. I do believe
that this is God giving me
a sign.
Del looks up to heaven and smiles piously, now stricken
by stomach pains.
Del
(Cont'd)
Cor blimey.
Rodney and Albert grab him and force him down into the
chair.
Albert
Sit down here, son.
Rodney
What can I get you?
Del
Pina Colada - lots of ice.
THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Nerys is serving behind the bar.
Jevon
Here Boycie, can we have a
word?
Boycie
What is it?
Mike
She's here.
Mickey
You remember that old Cortina
you said me and Jevon would
never sell?
Boycie
What Cortina's that then?
Jevon
That two-tone one - blue and
rust. Well me and Mickey
flogged it today.
Boycie
But that Cortina was a death
trap. You should be ashamed
of yourselves!
Mickey
But you sold it to us!
Boycie
Did I? Oh so I did. It
weren't a bad little run
around I suppose. Are you
and Jevon partners or
something?
Jevon
Yeah, we're doing a bit of
trading.
Mickey
We're specialising in any-
thing.
Boycie
Why don't you pop down my
showrooms in the week? I've
got a few old bangers out
the back you could have a
go at.
Jevon
Yeah, thanks Boycie.
Mickey
Here, would your Marlene be
interested in a Crimplene
dress with great big flowers
all over it?
Boycie
Well of course she wouldn't.
Mickey
Oh that's a shame, 'cos
Rodney Trotter's got loads
of 'em.
Mike
If there's anything else
you want, Mrs Partridge,
just give me a shout.
(To Boycie)
She's here.
Trigger
Who's here?
Mike
That spiritualist woman.
Here, to tell you the truth,
Trigg, I'm having second
thoughts about letting Del
use upstairs for this
séance.
Boycie
You don't honestly believe
in all that mumbo jumbo, do
you Michael?
Mike
I don't actually believe it.
I just don't like taking the
chance.
Boycie
Michael, if Elsie Partridge
really could raise the dead,
half the money lenders in
Peckham would be employing
her. No, no, it's all a
load of old tosh. Only a
simpleton would believe in
it.
Trigger
I believe in it.
Boycie
Say no more.
(To Mike but
Referring to
Trigger)
He still leaves a glass of
milk and biscuits out on
Christmas Eve.
Nerys
My mum went to a séance
once. She got a message
from the other side. It
said she would meet a tall
bald man who would change
her fortune. A week later
she got mugged by a
skinhead.
Mike
There you go Boycie, you
can't argue with that can
you? There's got to be
something in all this
supernatural stuff.
Trigger
My old gran was a bit of a
medium. A few years after
my grandfather died she
made contact with him.
Mike
Oh yeah? What did he say?
Trigger
Nothing.
Boycie
Nothing?
Nerys
Well he was dead wasn't he?
Mike
Yes, but she'd just made
contact from across the
veil.
Trigger
For the last 15 years of his
life they didn't talk to
each other.
Nerys
And he kept the row going?
Trigger
Yeah. Well, he was a
stubborn man.
Boycie
Well, they must have been
interesting séances. A mad
medium and a spook with
the hump. Hold up, here
comes the Ghostbusters.
We see Del, Rodney and Albert enter.
Del
A pina colada for me Nerys,
and the usual for everyone
else.
Mike
Del, a word.
Del
Alright, Michael. Yes, coming,
coming.
Mike
Are you paying for these
drinks or what?
Del
Michael, please.
Mike
This slate of yours, Del, is
getting out of hand, Del.
That Mrs Partridge has just
arrived, right, and she's
had food and drink all on
your slate.
Del
Don't worry about it, Mike.
Mike
Over the last few months
you've had more cocktails
than James Bond and a fried
lunch every day and all on
the slate.
Del
Gimme a couple of weeks and
I'll sort it out with you.
Mike
You've had about 10 packs of
cigars all on the slate and
even the rent for the room
upstairs in on the slate.
Del
Unless your gratitude changes
Michael, I may have to
consider taking my business
elsewhere. Look, sit down.
I've been sailing the good
ship Trotter through a
little patch of fiscal
turbulence, right? But as
soon as I get old Elsie
Partridge firing on all four
cylinders I'll be laughing.
I mean, within a month from
now she'll be bringing 'em
back to order. I've worked
out a little price list.
Neighbours and family
friends, three quid.
Relatives a fiver, spouses
and pets a tenner each, and
a score for Elvis Presley.
This time next year I'll be
a millionaire. Just think
what this is going to do to
you, Michael. She'll be
drawing them in from the
four corners of the kingdom,
right? So not only will you
be getting the rent for the
room upstairs but once the
show is finished all the
pilgrim'll be down here
having a jolly-up won't
they? Your taking'll treble
overnight. You know it
makes sense, Mike.
Mike
Yeah, I s'pose so.
Del
Sit down, Boyce.
Mike
I'm still worried, though.
Del
Oh leave it out, Michael.
Mike
We're dealing with the powers
of darkness here. I mean, are
we gonna end up with the
table and chairs flying round
the bar?
Del
No more than a normal Friday
night.
Del and Boycie laugh.
Mike
You realise that this pub is
built on the site of a
public grave where the
victims of the great plague
were buried?
Rodney
Oh well, that's all we need
ain't it, them popping up to
celebrate Agincourt, innit?
Nerys
They'd all be covered in
boils and scabs and things.
Boycie
It'll be like a Singing
Detective look-alike contest,
won't it?
Rodney
I agree with Mike. We're
messing around with the
supernatural. There's no
telling what evil forces we
might evoke.
Trigger
Yeah, you could have Satan
himself come crashing
through the wall.
Del
Well, it's lucky Rodney's
wearing his old jeans,
innit?
Del and Boycie laugh.
There are three loud bumps upon the ceiling.
Del
I think that's her sign to
say she's ready.
Rodney
Well, it might not mean that.
Del
Either that or she's got
cramp in her wooden leg. Come
on, Rodders, come on, let's
go.
INT. UPSTAIRS ROOM OF NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Elsie Partridge is seated at a round table. She is in
her mid-sixties and is a very sweet and genuine lady.
She takes her 'gift' and the proceedings very
seriously. Rodney, Boycie, Albert, Mike and Trigger
are seated around the table. Del carries the last
chair to the table and sits down.
Elsie
Now, I think it's time we
began. May I ask you once
contact has been made to
refrain from interrupting.
Now, hands on the table.
Fingers touching. Concen-
trate.
Elsie now stares directly ahead. Her ead drops to one
side and rests on her shoulder.
Elsie now begins moaning lowly.
Mike
What's she doing?
Trigger
She's going...
Trigger moans.
Mike
I mean, why is she doing it?
Albert
She's gone into a trance.
Mike
Thank Gawd for that. She had
one of my pies earlier.
Elsie straightens her head and opens her eyes. She now
appears quite normal.
Elsie
The spirits are with us. A
man has stepped forward. A
tall, elderly man wearing a
black coat and a black hat.
He wishes to speak to
someone called Audrey... No,
no, Aubrey.
Del
Aubrey?
Rodney shrugs.
We see Mike and Trigger look at each other, mystified.
Boycie
I am here.
Rodney
Aubrey?
Boycie
It's my middle name.
Trigger
You never said your name was
Aubrey.
Boycie
Nor would you if your name
was Aubrey.
Elsie
This man seems agitated. He's
brandishing a piece of paper.
Have you any idea who it
could be?
Boycie
No. This piece of paper, it's
not a logbook for a Cortina,
is it?
Elsie
No, it's a photograph. A
black and white photograph.
It shows this man, but years
younger. There's an odd-
looking boy standing next to
him, five or six years old,
evil face.
Del
Boycie, it's you and your
dad.
Boycie
Yeah, of course. He's the
only one who ever called me
Aubrey.
Elsie
There is a sadness about the
photograph, as though some-
thing is missing. Of course,
your mother isn't with you.
Boycie
No.
Elsie
Had she passed over to the
next world?
Boycie
No. She was taking the photo.
Elsie
I see. This man - your father
- is worried. He says you
must be a good father, you
must look after your child.
Boycie
Is he having a pop at me or
something?
Albert
Elsie. Boycie and his wife
Marlene can't have kids.
Del
They've been trying for
years, you know, but nitto.
Rodney
Yeah, they've had tests,
things frozen, everything.
Mike
The hospital's just about
given up with him.
Trigger
He's low on something.
Boycie
Do you mind not discussing my
personal life in front of
strangers?
(To Elsie)
You tell my old man to keep
his nose out of my business.
He was always having a go at
me for not giving him a
grandchild.
Del
Come on now, take it easy,
Aubrey.
Boycie
And you can wrap up for a
start. I'm gonna get a
drink. It's a load of old
rubbish anyway. I don't
believe any of it.
Boycie exits.
Albert
Are the spirits still with
us, Elsie?
Elsie
Yes, yes, yes. They're still
here. Close the circle.
Someone else as stepped out.
It's a woman. Tall and
slender, long golden-brown
hair.
Del reacts - he knows it is his mum. He looks to Rodney
who also suspects this.
Elsie
(Cont'd)
The fingers covered in ruby
and gold. Bracelets adorn
the wrists.
Del
You know who that is, don't
you?
Trigger
Sounds like Jimmy Saville.
Del
Jimmy Saville! That is our
mother.
Trigger
Sorry, Del Boy, Dave.
Del, fuming, looks to Rodney.
Rodney
Jimmy Saville!
Del
Yeah, that's right, bruv.
Bloody cheek.
Elsie
She says she is proud of her
children.
Del and Rodney smile to each other.
Elsie
(Cont'd)
She says you have worked hard
to succeed. But never mind.
She wants to know that she is
with you always.
Del and Rodney smile to each other.
Elsie
(Cont'd)
Wherever you are, whatever
you are doing she is looking
over you. She says you
mustn't mourn her any
longer. She is happy. She
says she is at peace and...
Rodney
Mrs Partridge.
Del
Don't interrupt, Rodney.
Rodney
I just wanted to clear some-
thing up. When she says
she's looking over us all
the time, right, well, she
don't mean all the time does
she?
Elsie
Well I'd think the spirit
world would have its own
ideas about discretion.
Rodney
Yes, I was just wondering.
Del
Yeah!
Elsie
She is concerned for you,
Derek.
Del
Me? What about me?
Elsie
She is concerned for your
health.
Del
I'm alright, Mum, never been
better.
Elsie
She says you are not well.
She feels your pain.
Del
Ah no, that's just a bit of
jip, that's all, Mum. Most
probably an onion bhaji
lodged somewhere.
Elsie
She wants you to go and see
a doctor.
Del
There's nothing the matter
with me.
Elsie
She insists.
Del
No, I don't want to go and
see a doctor. You know I don't
like doctors.
Elsie
Oh they're becoming distant.
They're drifting away.
Albert
Can't you get 'em back, Elsie?
Elsie
Is there anybody there? If
anybody is there, talk to us.
Say something.
Nerys
(To Mike)
Lager's off.
Del, Rodney, Albert, Mike, Trigger and even Elsie Part-
ridge scream with alarm. This in turn makes nervous
Nerys scream with alarm.
Nerys
(Cont'd)
You made me jump.
Mike
What d'you think you made us
do?
Nerys
Well, I had to tell you I've
got customers waiting down
there.
Mike
Alright, alright, I'm coming.
Albert
I'll get your coat, Elsie.
Albert exits.
Elsie moves to collect her handbag thus leaving Del,
Rodney and Trigger alone.
Trigger
So what you gonna do, Del?
Del
About what?
Rodney
About the message from Mum.
Del
Oh do e a favour, Rodney. You
didn't believe all that, did
you?
Rodney
Well, you seemed pretty
convinced. At one point I
thought you were gonna suck
your thumb and throw a paddy.
Del
I was only doing that for
Elsie's sake. I mean, she's
a genuine old lady who most
probably believes she is
getting these messages. But
at the end of the day it's a
load of old rubbish.
Trigger
Yeah, I think Del Boy's
right, Dave. I mean, she got
a message saying that
Boycie's gotta look after his
kid.
Del
Yeah, that's right, and
everyone knows that Nelson's
Column's got more chance of
knocking out a nipper than
Boycie.
Rodney
So you're not going to the
doctor's?
Del
No, I am not going to the
doctor's 'cos there is
nothing wrong with me.
Rodney
See you in the bar, Unc.
Del, Rodney and Trigger exit.
Del
Come on down, Rodney.
Rodney
I'll only take you...
Albert
(To Elsie)
Thanks for doing that, Elsie.
Elsie
That was the first time I've
ever led to someone at a
sitting. I only gave Derek
that message because you
asked me to.
Albert
I'm grateful. He wouldn't
take any notice of me and
Rodney. The only one he'd
ever listen to was his mum.
INT. NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Del, Rodney and Trigger enter.
Mike is putting up a poster: 'The Séance. Make contact
or money back. Tuesday 17th January. 7.30. Admission
two pounds fifty.'
Del
Right then, come on, Rodney,
here, Nerys. Where are them
posters? Rodney stick these
up in the window. The sooner
the devotees know about
them the better.
Marlene
(Deeply concerned)
Del.
Del
Wotcha Marlene, hello. What
you doing here?
Marlene
Boycie's just told me what
that Elsie Partridge said.
Del
Now don't you start. I've
been having enough trouble
with Rodney and Albert.
There is nothing the matter
with me.
Marlene
I'm not talking about your
illness. I mean what she
said to Boycie.
Del
Look, darling, you don't
wanna take any notice of
what Elsie Partridge says
because it's all a con, you
see.
Marlene
No, you don't understand. I'm
having a baby.
Del
(Frozen with
fear)
What?
Marlene
I've just had it confirmed at
the hospital.
Boycie
So what do you think of that?
Del clutches his stomach as the pain returns.
Rodney
Quickly.
Marlene
Well what's up with him then?
Rodney
Sympathy pains. A lot of men
go through phantom pregnan-
cies.
Boycie
I thought that only happened
to the father.
Trigger gives Boycie a little smile. Boycie reacts.
INT. DOCTOR'S SURGERY. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Dr Shaheed, an Indian woman of about 30, is seated be-
hind the desk, making a few notes.
Doctor
Come in.
Del
I'm sorry, is Dr Meadows
about, the Scottish doctor?
Doctor
No, Dr Meadows left general
practise two years ago. He's
working at the local
hospital. I've taken over
from him. I'm Dr Shaheed.
Del
You're a woman.
Dr Shaheed looks in a mirror.
Doctor
Well, well, so I am. Nobody
ever tells me anything
these days. You're Mr
Trotter.
Del
I know.
Doctor
Well, come in, take a seat.
Del moves reluctantly to the desk.
Doctor
(Cont'd)
What's the problem?
Del
Me? Oh nothing at all.
Doctor
You're not ill?
Del
Never felt better.
Doctor
Mr Trotter, I have a waiting-
room full of sick people.
Now, what is it? You want a
certificate?
Del
No, no, I don't want a
certificate. I mean, I'm self
-employed. No, it's just...
it's hardly worth bothering
you with.
Doctor
Why don't you let me be the
judge of that? What's the
problem?
Del
Well, I've been getting a
bit of a Cynthia.
Doctor
Cynthia?
Del
Pain
Del chuckles. The doctor doesn't get the joke.
Doctor
Where do you get the pain?
Del
Well, all over, really. This
morning I got in the lift
going down to the...
Doctor
No, no. Where on your body?
Del
Oh right. Get in the old New
Delhi.
Doctor
New Delhi?
Del
Yeah, the belly, the belly.
You're not from round these
parts, are you?
Doctor
No, I'm from New Delhi.
Del
Really? Not much point
calling you in an emergency
then, is it?
Del laughs. The doctor doesn't.
Doctor
I mean I was born in New
Delhi and I now live in
Peckham.
Del
Yeah, I know. It was just a
joke, you see.
Doctor
Oh yes, very good. What sort
of pain is it?
Del
(Well... it hurts.
Doctor
Yes, but is it a sharp pan or
a dull pain?
Del
Well, it's a bit of both
really.
Doctor
Would you strip to the waist,
please, Mr Trotter.
Del
No, no, it's alright, doc,
there's no need for that.
Just give me some pain-
killers.
Doctor
I'd like to examine you.
Please strip to the waist and
lie on the couch.
Del reluctantly moves towards the couch which is behind
a screen.
Doctor
(Cont'd)
(Do you smoke, Mr Trotter?
Del
Not just now, thank you,
doctor.
Doctor
I wasn't offering, I was
enquiring.
Del
Oh, I see. No, I don't smoke.
Well, I ave one cigar a year
on Christmas night, but I'm
trying to cut down.
Doctor
I don't think one cigar a
year will do you much harm.
Do you have any trouble
passing water?
Del
I had a dizzy spell going
over Tower Bridge once.
Doctor
You have bouts of dizziness?
Del
No, no. It was a joke,
doctor.
Doctor
I think it would be best if
we stopped all the joking,
I'm finding it rather
confusing. Do you ever
suffer with constipation?
Del
No, regular as clockwork.
Doctor
You have plenty of roughage
in your diet?
Del
Nothing but roughage. Muesli,
brown bread, all that. I'm a
very organic person.
Doctor
That's very good. Even in
this day and age you'd be
surprised the number of
people still exist on fried
foods and takeaways.
Del
Eurgh! Not me, doc. I'm like
a walking Grobag. When they
bury me there'll be rhubarb
everywhere within six months.
The doctor walks behind the screen and reacts.
Doctor
Mr Trotter. When I said strip
to the waist, I meant the top
half.
Del
Oh, sorry.
DOCTOR'S SURGERY. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Doctor
You can put your shirt back
on now, Mr Trotter. I hope my
stephoscope wasn't too cold
for you?
Del
Round here, we call 'em deaf-
ascopes.
Doctor
Really? Why?
Del
Well, if you can't hear
nothing, either your deaf or
we're dead!
Doctor
Are you a heavy drinker, Mr
Trotter?
Del
Me? No I'm teetotal. Well,
I have the odd mineral
water, skimmed goat's milk
that sort of thing.
Doctor
You have a very high pulse
rate.
Del
Oh thank you, doctor.
Doctor
No, I'm concerned about it.
I mean, it's almost as if
you're frightened of some-
thing.
Del
Frightened, me? No, I don't
know the meaning of the
word. No, I know what it
was. I jogged down here to
the surgery from the gym
this evening.
Doctor
Ah, that would explain it. I
wish all my patients were as
health-conscious as you, Mr
Trotter.
Del
Oh mais oui, mais oui. What
d'you reckon the pains are
then, doc?
Doctor
To tell you the truth I'm
not sure. I'd like you to go
down to the local hospital
and have a few tests done.
Del
OK. I'll make an appointment
tomorrow morning then, shall
I?
Doctor
No, I'd like you to go now.
Del
Now? What? D'you mean this
minute?
Doctor
Yes. You may have a grumbling
appendix. Now I emphasize the
word 'may'. If that should
prove to be the case we have
to remove it as quickly as
possible.
Del
You mean cut it out?
Doctor
Yes, I mean cut it out.
Del
But it might not be me appen-
dix?
Doctor
Maybe.
Del
So if it's not me appendix,
what else could it be?
Doctor
Well, let's not speculate.
Del
Let's hope it's not me
appendix then, shall we? I
don't have to go by
ambulance, do I?
Doctor
No, but I don't want you
jogging there. You can call
a minicab.
She turns her back to Del and collects some files.
Del
No, that's alright. I'll give
my brother a bell. He'll
drive me down there.
Doctor
I'll call the hospital and
tell them you're on your way.
She turns, arm outstretched to pick up the receiver from
her desk phone.
She reacts as Del has already picked it up and is about
to dial.
Doctor
I'll use the phone in
reception.
Del
Yeah, alright then, doc.
(Into receiver)
Rodney? Hello Rodders, it's
me, Del Boy. Yes, I'm here
at the doctor's. Yes,
listen. There's nothing to
worry about, but I want you
to come down here and give
me a lift down to the
hospital... Yeah, I've got
to go there right away.
Listen, listen. I said
there's nothing to worry
about. I don't want you
driving down here at a
hundred miles an hour and
having an accident, nothing
like that... No I can't
phone for a minicab! I
don't care if Neighbours
has just started. Look, I
am at the quack's and I
just want you to help me a
bit... I don't wanna go on
me own... Yeah, alright,
I'll see you in a minute.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO.
Mike
What can I get you, Rodney?
Rodney
A lemonade with ice, non-
alcoholic lager top and a
small rum, please.
Mike
Any news from the hospital?
Rodney
No, not really. He ain't got
a grumbling appendix. They
don't seem to know what it
is. Still, they're keeping
him under observation.
Trigger
Must be horrible that.
Mike
What?
Trigger
Well, lying in bed all day
with someone standing there
looking at you.
Rodney
No, Trigg, they don't just
keep... Yeah, must be
horrible.
Mike
Years ago I had a mate like
that. Doctor's couldn't
find out what was wrong
with him.
Rodney
And he died, did he?
Mike
Yeah...
(Realises what
he has said)
Oh no, I'm not saying that
Del's got that.
Rodney
Well let's hope not, eh?
Listen, Mike. We're going to
visit him this evening and he
asked if you'd do him a bacon
sandwich and lots of brown
sauce 'cos he can't stand
that hospital food.
Mike
But it'll be cold and greasy
by this evening.
Rodney
Yeah, that's how he likes it,
and he also said would you
send up a bottle of coke and
put some Bacardi in it, so as
the old matron won't suss it?
Mike
Leave it to me, Rodney.
Rodney moves to the table where we see Cassandra and
Albert.
Rodney places the drinks on the table and sits. Nothing
is said between them.
Cassandra
Cheer up a little bit, Rodney.
I mean, Del's in the best
place, isn't he?
Rodney
Oh yeah, he's in the best
place. I just wish they knew
what was wrong with him.
Maybe on second thoughts I
don't wanna know what's wrong
with him.
Albert
When I was stationed out in
New Guinea...
Rodney & Cassandra
Oh God.
Albert
A crew-mate of mine went
down with a mysterious tummy
bug just like Del's. The
finest medical brains in
Jayapura couldn't make out
what it was.
Rodney
No?
(To Cassandra)
Your dad still thinking about
buying that new jag?
Cassandra
He's looking at one tomorrow.
Rodney
Yeah?
Cassandra
Yeah.
Albert
Until this American surgeon
arrived on the scene. He
twigged it straight away.
Cassandra
And what was it?
Albert
Green parrot's disease.
Rodney
Well, that's certainly worth
knowing, Albert. Thank you
very much.
Cassandra
Are you going to tell the
doctor in charge of Del's
case? You know, he might not
have thought of it.
Rodney
No, that would have been one
of the first things he would
have thought... How the
hell's Del gonna get green
parrot's disease in Peckham?
Albert
Well, I admit it's a long
shot. I'm just grabbing at
straws, I s'pose.
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, we all are Unc.
I'm sorry.
Albert
I'm gonna put a drop of
blackcurrant in this.
Cassandra
Can I visit Del with you
this evening?
Rodney
Yeah, okay. It's worth the
journey just to see his
pyjamas. He's never been ill
before. Well you know, he's
been ill but he's never been
to hospital. He's terrified
of 'em. He got stabbed once
outside a dance hall. There
was blood all over his shirt,
a four-inch gash in his
shoulder. But he never went
to hospital.
Cassandra
He didn't have it treated?
Rodney
No he did it himself. TCP and
a flannel.
Cassandra
Did he know the person who
did it?
Rodney
Yeah.
Cassandra
And I bet he didn't report
it to the police?
Rodney
No. Well, he couldn't really.
He was engaged to her at the
time. I prayed last night,
prayed Del wouldn't die.
Cassandra
Rodney, that's not going to
happen.
Rodney
No, no, I know. Soon as I
done it I thought, 'That's
stupid, Del ain't gonna die...
He's not the type.'
INT. HOSPITAL WARD. NIGHT. STUDIO.
On Del's bedside table we have a few get-well-soon cards
and a large bottle of Coca-Cola. Rodney, Cassandra and
Albert are seated around the bed.
Del
So anyway, they took some
more samples this afternoon.
Samples of me blood, sample
of me... samples of every-
thing. Now I'm supposed to
fast for 24 hours.
Cassandra
Well, why's that? Are they
running more tests tomorrow?
Del
Yeah, I tell you what, I'll
be 12 pound, three gallons
lighter then when I come
in, I know that.
Now from beneath the bed covers, Del produces the bacon
sandwich that Rodney asked for in previous scene.
Rodney
What you doing? You're not
supposed to be eating that.
Del
I know, Rodney, but this
fasting makes you hungry.
Cassandra
But it could affect the
results of the tests.
Albert
Give over gel. It's only a
bacon sandwich and a bit
of brown sauce.
Del
Exactly, besides, it was
in the local paper a while
back, this is one of the
few hospitals in Britain
that has not been equipped
with a bacon sandwich
detector!
Rodney
I don't believe you, Derek!
When a doctor says you're
supposed to fast for 24
hours then you should fast
for 24 hours.
Del
Well, what you bring this
sandwich in for then?
Rodney
'Cos I didn't know you were
supposed to be fasting. And
you're not supposed to be
drinking that either. It's
got Bacardi in it.
Del
Ssshhh! Keep your noise down,
will yer? Listen, with the
sort of measures Mike gives,
there's less spirits in that
than there was at our séance.
Oh that reminds me. Wasn't
last night the pukka séance
night?
Rodney
(Half-hearted)
Yeah.
Del
Did it go well?
Rodney
Er... not quite as well as
we'd expected.
Albert
It was a total cock-up from
where I was standing.
Del
Well, somebody tell me.
Cassandra
Well, you now those posters
you put in the pub windows
with The Séance and the
ghostly face?
Del
Yeah, yeah.
Cassandra
Well a lot of people got
the wrong impression. They
thought The Séance was a
group.
Rodney
The place was packed with
punk rockers. There was
Special Brew everywhere,
people shouting 'Aceed', all
that.
Cassandra
They were expecting to see
an 'Iron Maiden'-type band.
Rodney
Then Elsie Partridge walked
out in her hat. They weren't
best pleased, Del. Fortun-
ately she remained in a
trance throughout the riot.
Albert
She was still in it this
morning when I went round to
her flat.
Del
Innit amazing? I only
organised that séance out of
the goodness of my heart. I
just wanted to help people
to overcome their loss, and
how do they thank me? They
chuck it in my face!
Rodney
Still, at least you tried.
A bell rings.
Albert
Visiting time's over. Can't
say I'm disappointed, I hate
these places, death and
sickness everywhere.
Del
Yeah, they ain't all they're
cracked up to be, Unc. Take
care.
(Kisses Cassandra)
Bye-bye, sweetheart.
(Referring to
Rodney)
Thanks for coming. Look after
him now, will you?
Cassandra
Yeah, I'll see he's alright.
I hope you feel better soon,
Del.
Del
There's nothing wrong with
me. I don't know what I'm
doing in here.
Rodney
I'll see you tomorrow, mate.
Del
(To Cassandra
and Albert)
Yeah.
(To Rodney)
Hang around a minute, bruv.
Cassandra and Albert exit.
Del is smiling as he waves goodbye to them.
Rodney
I'll see you outside. What's
up?
Del suddenly turns into a frightened schoolboy.
Del
I'm scared, Rodney!
Rodney
Oh come on, Del. You're in
hospital.
Del
That's why I'm scared!
Rodney
I mean, can you think of a
better place to be?
Del
Yes, down the market, in the
pub, anywhere but here. I
think I might know what's
wrong with me.
A short pause.
Rodney
What?
Del
I think I might have... you
know.
Rodney
You mean?
Del
No.
Rodney
What! Not...
Del
Yes.
Rodney
Don't be silly. What makes
you think that?
Del
Because the doctors found out
I was a bachelor and they
started asking questions
about my social activities.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell.
Del
It's alright. I didn't tell
'em nothing. I made out I was
like an amateur monk. But
I've been lying here thinking
about my past.
Rodney
What's the point in depress-
ing yourself?
Del
I've bin thinking back to
some of the birds I've
knocked about with. Cor
blimey, Rodney, some of 'em
have bin round the track
more times than a lurcher.
Rodney
Del, you're just being
irrational.
Del
What about that unisex hair-
dresser's. down the high
street?
Rodney
Well, what about it?
Del
Well, I went in there last
month for a trim, didn't I?
And I thought I was going
to get one of the dolly
birds in the miniskirts,
you know, and all that, but
who did I get? They gave me
some mush called Jason.
Rodney
So?
Del
So, say he was a bandit.
Rodney
I don't believe... Del, you
cannot go around making
accusations against innocent
people. Anyway, you can't
catch it off a comb.
Del
No, but say he nicked my neck
with his razor or something.
Rodney
So long as he doesn't kiss it
better, you're laughing, ain't
you?
Del
Then there's Uncle Albert -
blimey, he's been round the
world more times than Phileas
Fogg. There's no telling what
he might have picked up. And
there's you and that computer.
Rodney
My computer?
Del
Yes. I was reading about all
those computer viruses.
Rodney
Look, calm down, right? Look,
I understand your concerns
and fears. But you're just
letting your imagination run
away with you. If you'd had
'that' or anything as serious
as that, they would have
known by now. They're experts
you know.
Del
Yeah, yeah. I didn't think of
that, bruv. It can't be that
serious, can it?
Rodney
Well, of course not. So you
just remember that next time
you're lying here at night,
thinking of all them women
and male hairdressers you've
known...
Del
They've got a spare bed
downstairs if you're
interested.
Rodney
I'll see you.
They share a smile. Rodney stands to leave. Del leans
back in bed. We now hear Del moan as if in great pain.
Rodney rushes back to him.
Rodney
Del, hold on. I'll get the
nurse. Nurse! Hold on, Del,
don't you die. Don't you
bloody die.
Del
I'm not gonna die, you
plonker. I've just sat on
me bacon sandwich.
INT. HOSPITAL WARD. DAY. STUDIO.
Del is sitting upright in bed. A tray holding his lunch
is across his lap. A nurse arrives at Del's bed.
Nurse
Aren't you eating that?
Del
No, I'm not in the mood,
sweetheart.
Nurse
That's fresh fish.
Del
I know it's fresh, it just
winked at me.
Nurse
I'll have to tell matron.
Del
No it's alright. It didn't
really ink at me.
Nurse
No, I mean if a patient
doesn't eat his food I have
to report it.
Del
Oh go on, then, you go and
grass me up. I'm not fright-
ened of the old cow. Oh, by
the way, any news about my
application for a bed bath?
Nurse
Sorry.
Dr Meadows enters. He is in his mid-to-alte thirties.
Meadows is a dedicated doctor who relaxes with the
occasional punch-up.
Dr Meadows
You've gotta make a decision,
Mr Trotter. We can either
save you or the baby.
Del
Robbie Meadows, you old git.
Dr Meadows
Please, Del, not in front of
the staff.
Del
Oh yeah, sorry. Dr Meadows,
you old git. What brings you
up here?
Dr Meadows
I've got good news and bad
news, Del. The good news is
they've put me in charge of
your case.
Del
What's the bad news?
Dr Meadows
I specialise in amputation.
Dr Meadows laughs like a drain. Del produces a very false
and weak laugh.
Del
Oh that's a good 'un. Here,
d'you still get down the
One-Eleven Club?
Dr Meadows
No, not any more, Del. I've
packed gambling in, it's a
mug's game. D'you still go
down there?
Del
Oh yeah. Anyway, how comes
they've put you in charge?
Dr Meadows
It was an accident, really. I
just happened to be talking
to some colleagues when the
name Derek Trotter cropped
up. So I asked if I could
read your GP's report and
have a look at your tests. I
was amazed. I found myself
reading about this non-
smoking, teetotal, celibate
vegetarian health freak. I
thought, 'Can this be the
same Derek Trotter that I
know and begrudgingly
admire? That uptight,
wheeling-dealing, pina
colada lout? The Castella
king, the curry connoisseur?
The same an who has lived
his life on nervous tension,
fried bread and doubtful
women?
Del
And was it?
Dr Meadows
Yes, it was. Why did you lie
to your GP, Del?
Del
'Cos she's a doctor.
Dr Meadows
I don't understand.
Del
Well, you never tell doctors
the truth, do yer? Otherwise
you'll end up in hospital.
Dr Meadows
But you are in hospital.
Del
No, but I didn't mean that
to happen, did I? I just
wanted her to give me a
bottle of jollop.
Dr Meadows
Del, if you'd told the truth
in the first place, my
colleagues could have
diagnosed your problem in a
quarter of the time. As it
was, they thought they were
dealing with the perfect man
- but all the time it was
you! It confused them Del.
It threw 'em onto the wrong
track.
Del
Well, I told her I did admit
to having a cigar at
Christmas time.
Dr Meadows
What about the other 10,000
throughout the rest of the
year? Oh that reminds me,
we found your cigar-holder
in the body-scanner.
Del
Oh cheers Robbie. Must have
fallen out of me robe.
Dr Meadows
We know what's wrong with
you, Del.
Del
Right... Let's hear the
worst. I can take it, I'm
not frightened. Don't pull
any punches. I want it
straight from the shoulder.
Dr Meadows
Yeah, I think it's best in
the long run. Well, basic-
ally, Derek, there's
nothing wrong with you.
Del
Oh, oh thank God! Thank God.
Thank Allah, thank Buddha.
Thank you, thank you, God.
Dr Meadows
Relieved, eh?
Del
Well, you know. So what
about all these pains I've
been getting?
Dr Meadows
You have an irritable bowel.
Del
Well, I'm not surprised with
you lot pulling me about.
Dr Meadows
No, no. That's what your
condition is called. You
have irritable bowel
syndrome. It's nothing
serious. I'll put you on a
course of drugs. Your
condition has been caused
by your lifestyle. The late
nights, the booze, the
nicotine, the fried fast
foods. Do you ever think
about all the saturated fat
floating around your
arteries?
Del
I try not to. It puts me
off me grub.
Dr Meadows
One of the major contribu-
tory factors of this
syndrome is stress. A lot
of yuppies suffer from it.
Del
Yeah?
Dr Meadows
Del, I took the liberty of
phoning the director of
housing about your rent
arrears.
Del
How'd you find out?
Dr Meadows
I phoned your flat. I'm
sorry, mate, I had to find
out what the hell was going
on. I spoke to your uncle.
The council have agreed to
give you some breathing
space, a bit of time to get
yourself together.
Del
Cheers, Robbie.
Dr Meadows
You've been given a warning,
Del. Nature's little way of
telling you to eat muesli
for breakfast. Cut right
down on the drink and
cigars. Start eating whole-
some, real food and above
all else learn to relax.
Doctor's orders.
Del
Whatever you say.
Dr Meadows
Pop this into the pharmacy
on your way home.
Del
I can go?
Dr Meadows
Yes, and don't come back. I
want you convalescing for
the next three weeks. I
don't want you working or
getting excited. Sit in a
chair, eat boring foods and
live a boring life.
Del
Well, that'll be easy. I
can talk to my Uncle.
Dr Meadows
See you around, Del.
Del
Yeah, and... thanks, Robbie.
(To himself)
I knew there was nothing
wrong with me.
Dr. Meadows smiles and exits, and the relief and
gratitude comes flooding out. Del's bottom lip quivers.
He moves momentarily puts his hands to his eyes. Then
quickly pulls himself together.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Telling himself
off)
Silly old sod.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
Del is sitting in the armchair watching TV. He is wear-
ing pyjamas and has a blanket over his legs. He is
bored, bored, bored, bored, bored.
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a breakfast
tray.
Albert
Here you are, Del, breakfast.
Del
Oh good. What is it?
Albert
It's muesli.
Del
Blimey! It looks like some-
thing that's bin swept out of
a pigeon loft.
Albert
You can at least try it.
Del eats some of the muesli.
Del
It tastes like it's been
swept out of a pigeon loft.
I can't eat this for the rest
of my life. I'd rather croak
it than eat this rubbish.
Albert
Well, don't get excited,
you'll bring your pains back
on. All the quack said was
you've got to get a sensible
diet, and muesli's just part
of it.
Del
Alright, alright, Unc,
alright.
Albert
I'll do you a cup of tea,
son.
Albert exits to the kitchen. Del reaches for his pack
of cigars.
Del
How many cigars am I allowed
a day?
Albert
She said three.
Del
How many have I had?
Albert
Four.
Rodney enters from hall.
Rodney
Alright?
Del
Yeah, triffic, Rodders.
Rodney
Oh what's up with you now?
Del
I am not ill, okay? All that
happened was that I caught a
syndrome. But you two are
treating me like an invalid.
Rodney
We are not treating you like
an invalid Del, we are just
trying to do our best by
you.
Del
Yes, I'm sorry, Rodders.
Rodney
That's alright.
(To Albert in
kitchen)
Albert I've got the Complan.
Rodney places the packet of Complan on the table and
then turns to Del.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
So you feeling relaxed?
Del
Yes. All over, thank you.
Rodney
Good, 'cos I have got some
really great news.
Del
What's that?
Rodney
Guess what? I'm getting
married!
Del clutches his stomach as the pain returns.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Albert!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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