Only Fools And Horses

The Unlucky Winner Is...

INT. TROTTER'S LOUNGE/KITCHEN. NIGHT. STUDIO. The lights are subdued and romantic music is coming from the stereo. On the floor and dining table there are various paintings and sketches (Rodney's artistic endeavours). Cassandra is seated on settee. She is dressed as if she is going out for the paintings and sketches. Cut to kitchen. We find Rodney smartly but casually dressed. He is placing the last quartered smoked salmon sandwich on to a plate which is on a tray. He now opens the fridge and is surprised and delighted to find a bottle of white wine. Cut to lounge. Rodney now enters from kitchen carrying the tray with the plate of sandwiches, the bottle of wine and two wine glasses. Cassandra I love this one. 'Marble Arch at Dawn, by Rodney Trotter, aged 14 and a half.' Oh! What's this bit? Did you paint something out? Rodney Yeah, the Eiffel Tower. Cassandra The Eiffel Tower? Behind Marble arch? Is it meant to signify something? Rodney Yes. It signifies that originally it was the Arc de Triomphe, but no one could spell the Arc de Triomphe. So I thought-I know, I'll stick a double- decker bus going past and say it's Marble Arch. And it worked. In fact my art teacher said in my school report he thought it was a master-piece. So there, Cassandra, how does it feel to be in the company of a genius? Cassandra If I ever find out I'll drop you a line! (Referring to bottle of white wine) Are you going to pour that or paint it? Rodney starts pouring the wine. Cassandra now produces another painting from the portfolio. It’s one of these modern, abstract pieces and neatly in the centre of it there is a label off a tin of Tesco's baked beans. Cassandra studies it as Rodney pours the wine. Cassandra Rodney, I know I'm going to make myself look very stupid, but does this baked bean label mean anything? Rodney What? Yes, it does! It means Del's been putting all his competition stuff in my portfolio again! Cassandra What competition? Rodney Oh it's his latest line, innit? He's going in for any competition he can get his hands on. We've had spot the dog, everything! Oh look at this lot! Spaghetti 'oop labels, crisp packets, Maltesers wrappers! Cassandra I didn't think Del was the type to go in for competitions. Rodney Oh yeah. At the moment he's on the verge of winning a brand-new Ford Sierra, a free manicure for a year and a night out with Maria Whittaker. They are both laughing at Del. Cassandra Where is Del by the way? Rodney Oh, both he and Albert have got dates this evening. Del's seeing some bird called Petula. He chatted her up at a boot sale. Cassandra And who's Albert going out with? Rodney Ah, some old dear called Elsie Partridge. He met her at bingo. She's a widow-got 11 children! Cassandra Eleven kids! Rodney Yeah, then her husband got fed up and died. D'you like smoked salmon? Cassandra Love it. Rodney Good, 'cos they’re smoked salmon sandwiches. D'you want vinegar? Cassandra simply shakes her head. She kisses him again and they embrace and fall gently back onto the settee. Now the door to Albert's bedroom opens and Albert enters lounge. He is smartly dressed in a suit and tie, or better till, a naval uniform. Albert Did you put a plug on the microwave, Rodney? Albert exits to kitchen. Rodney Did you hear something? Cassandra It sounded like your uncle. Albert enters from kitchen reading the instructions off the back of a frozen oven- ready meal. Albert Is our microwave 650 watts or 550 watts? Rodney I thought you had a date with Elsie Partridge. Albert I have. She'll be here in a minute. Rodney Hold on! I thought you was taking her out! Albert And I thought you were taking the girl wossname out! How are you love, alright? Cassandra (Straightening her clothes) Yes, fine, thank you. Albert I'm not spoiling my evening for you, Rodney. It's all arranged, I've got a beef risotto for the microwave and a nice bottle of wine in the fridge. Albert Exits the kitchen. Cassandra picks up the half-empty bottle of wine from table and looks to Rodney, who gestures for her to say nothing about the bottle of wine. Rodney (To Cassandra) Sorry. Cassandra It's OK. It's the way it goes. Rodney I know! I could drop Albert a few quid then maybe after dinner he'll take Elsie Partridge down to bingo eh? Then we could be alone. Their licentious grins fade as we hear the front door slam and the sound of Del whistling. Del enters from the hall wearing his trendy coat and carrying his filofax. He doesn't see Rodney and Cassandra as he moves directly to cocktail bar. In so doing he has to talk through Rodney's artwork which is strewn across the floor. Del Oh look at the stare he's left this place in! You wait 'til I get my hands on that little plonker! Del now sees Rodney and Cassandra. Rodney We've just been, em... discussing art, that's all. Del Oh isn't it funny that every time he discusses art, with someone, their buttons come undone. Rodney and Cassandra instinctively look down at their buttons. Del laughs at catching them out. Del (Cont'd) Right, Rodney, here's the keys to the van. You can take Cassandra out now. Rodney We're not going out! Cassandra We could pop down the road for a while. Rodney No, Cassandra. We're staying put! Del Rodney, could I have a board meeting? Rodney moves across to Del. Del (Cont'd) Look Petula is coming round. Rodney Well, Cassandra is already here! We are having a cultural evening. Del Yes, I know, but Petula's bringing all her gear. Rodney Derek, I don't car if she is bringing her gear! we are not going out! Del Look Rodders, I'm giving her a yuppy salad, ain't I? I went out first thing this morning and bought her a lovely bit of smoked salmon. Rodney I don't care what you've bou ... Alright, we'll go out, then! Del Good boy! You know it makes sense. Albert enters from kitchen. Albert Where's my bottle of wine? Del Cor blimey! Captain Birdseye’s here and all! I thought you're supposed to be going out with the old woman who lived in the shoe! Albert I am. She'll be here for dinner in a minute. Del Din... She's not coming round here too, is she? Oh will, that's handsome, innit? Well, you might as well stay in, Rodney. We'll have a party! Rodney Oh t'riffic! Del D'you wanna put a record on darlin'? Cassandra Yeah okay, anything in particular? Del How about ' the Gang's All Here'? Albert picks up the half-empty bottle of wine from table and examines it. He looks to Rodney for an explanation. Rodney Sorry, I didn't realise! Albert exits to kitchen in a huff. Del So he's been showing you his etchings, has he? Cassandra Yeah, I think he's good. Del Yeah, he's alright, I suppose. You see, I like a bit more realism in my art. That's always let you down, Rodney, you see. Rodney (To Del) What are you talking about? (Picks up painting of wine bottle) Albert re-enters the room. Rodney (Cont'd) (To Albert) That's realistic, innit? Albert Yeah, and it's full! Albert exits to kitchen. Rodney I said I'm sorry. Del Yeah, but, I mean, look at all the other stuff here. I mean, take a look at this one for example. 'Marble arch at Dawn.' what a cock-up that turned out to be. Cassandra Rodney's art teacher liked it. He said he thought it was a masterpiece! Del No, he didn't! He said he thought it was a mantlepiece! Del exits to kitchen. Cut to Kitchen. Albert It's alright for you to laugh. He nicked my bottle of wine. Del Stop moaning about your bottle of wine, you old git. anyway, Rodney didn't mean to 'af-inch it. Look, he's in love. You know we've got to learn... we've got to learn to be a bit more under- standing, you see. Albert Yeah, I suppose you're right. It was only a cheap bottle of wine anyway. Del Exactly. Now then...Ere, that dipstick's only had my smoked salmon away an' all, ain't he, eh? You wait 'til I get my hands on him! Albert Don't have a go at him in front of Cassandra. You'll just embarrass the boy. Del You're right, Albert. I'll wait 'til she's gone, then I'll kick him up the jacksy! Any letters for me this morning? Albert No, just a couple of bills. Nothing from them dopey competitions of yours. Del You won't be calling 'em dopey when I win, will you? Albert How can you win? You don't post your entry 'til a couple of days before the closing date. Del No, because that ensures that my entry will get to the top of the pile! You know, you've gotta think about these things, haven't yer? Albert There's a competition on the back of them cornflakes. Del You can't win the raffle if you don't buy a ticket, can you? Listen, I'm expecting Monkey Harris to come round in the morning. He's expecting a load of them Italian shirts from Malaya the end of the month. Tell him I'm not interested. Albert But you are? Del I know that. But don't let him know that. Otherwise he'll expect a fair price, won't he, eh? Cut to lounge. The door bell rings. Rodney I'll get it. Cassandra What's that, another competi- tion? Del Yeah. I'll win this one. Cassandra What have you got to do? Del I dunno yet. Rodney (To Del) Oi, it's Albert's old bird. (Calls) Uncle, your date is ere. (To Del) What an old dragon! Del (Laughing) I know! Del looks out through the open hall door and reacts. Del (Cont'd) You saucy git, that's Petula! (Calls) Come in sweetheart. Let's take your coat. INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO. Rodney is seated at a table and is wearing his market clothes. On the table there are two women's maga- zines, something like 'Cosmopolitan' and 'Marie Claire'. Rodney is reading an article in one of the women's mags. The headline then sub headline reads: "Sex! A Rose Garden Or Minefield?" Rodney reads the article with a worried interest. He is now reading the second magazine. At the top of the page the headline reads: "Pregnancy And The Single Girl". Rodney reads some of it then looks up, a worried man. He places the magazine back on the table and then sips his drink. He picks up his "Which Car?" magazine and opens it directly to a page which shows a full-page as for Durex. The ad consists of a blow-up photo of a condom sachet with the manufacturer's name printed across it. Mike Right, there you go, love. Cassandra Thanks. Cassandra returns with meals. She hands Rodney the pie and chips. Rodney Oh sorry, Cass, I've sort of... lost me appetite a bit. Cassandra Why, what's wrong? Rodney Nothing. I was just sitting here thinking about us. Cassandra And it's put you off your food! Thanks, Rodney. Rodney No, no, I didn't mean it like that, Cass! Cassandra Hm? Rodney We're pretty close, wouldn't you say? Cassandra Sorry? She moves her chair. Rodney I didn't mean it like that. I mean, we get on really well. Cassandra We have our moments. Rodney Well, it's them moments that's worrying me. You see, I've got a bit of a dilemma. I think maybe I ought to discuss it. Cassandra Fire away. Rodney Well, look, we're both responsible, mature adults. Cassandra Yes. Cassandra now blows down the straw and makes her drink bubble up. Rodney Oh that's it, forget it! INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO. Del enters, carrying a large cardboard box. Albert follows Del in, carrying a similar box. Albert Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me. Del (Mocking) They've got no respect these days. Albert They've got no respect these days. Del You fought in a war, didn't you? Albert I fought in a war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. And what do they do with their freedom? Del (Mocking) Anything they ruddy like! Albert Anything they ruddy like! Del You'd better stick all those Eyetie shirts in Rodder's room. Albert moves to front door and closes it. As he does so he finds the envelope and picks it up. Del (Referring to letter) Oi, is that for me? Albert No, it's addressed to Rodney. Del takes the envelope and opens it. He removes the contents which consist of a two-page letter clipped to a holiday brochure which shows a Mediterranean beach and the word 'Mallorca'. Del Oh well, same thing. Let's see what he's been gettin' through the post. Now then... 'Dear Rodney Trotter, thank you for your contribution to bla bla... We are pleased to tell you bla bla'. Albert What's wrong? Del Well, d'you remember that competition I sent off? Albert You've sent off hundreds of 'em! Del The Mega Flakes competition. Albert Yeah. What about it? Del Well, what they wanted you to do, you had to draw or paint a world-famous land- mark, right? Well, world- famous landmarks are not my specialty; I'm more of a portrait man meself. So, just for a laugh, I sent off the old 'Marble Arch at Dawn' in Rodney's name, and guess what? He's only won! Albert You're pulling my leg! Del No, no, look, straight up! Have a butcher's at that, look. They're giving away ten top prizes of a week's holiday in the Mediterranean and Rodney's copped for one! I always said that was a good painting, didn't I? I mean, it's the realism, you see, that's always been Rodney's strength. Albert Aah, I'm well pleased for the boy. He's never won anything in his life. Del No, only a couple of 'Ugly Bird' contests when he was younger. And look where they're sending him - Mallorca! Albert 'A luxury suite in a five- star hotel, a la carte menu and a week's spending money for the winners and their guests.' Del Their guests! Their guests! Of course it's always been a holiday for two, innit? Oh yes, I could do with a break! Of yes, a bit of sunshine'll set me up a treat. Albert now turns to the second page of the letter. Albert That's strange! Del What is? Albert Have you read page two? Del Well no, not yet. Albert Well, I think you'd better. Del Oh no! I don't believe these wallies! Albert Bit of a mix-up at their head office I suppose. Bloody shame innit? You were looking forward to that holiday as well, weren't you? Del Yeah. Albert Still, at least Rodney never found out, and what he don't know won't hurt him. You better phone the cornflakes people and tell them. Del Yeah, I'll phone 'em and say thank you very much, see you in Mallorca. Albert But you can't go ahead with it! Del You don't wanna put money on that do you? Listen, me and Rodney have never had holidays like other people. I can't say bonjour to a chance like this without a fight! It's a holiday, it's sunshine - it's free! Albert Have you read that second page properly? Del Yes, I've read it! Look, me and Rodders can wing it! We've got over worser problems than this. Albert Well you'd better tell Rodney and see what he says. Del I will tell him, but not straight away. I'll chose my moment carefully. Albert Would you prefer me to break the news? Del No, I'd prefer you to mind your own business and keep well out of it. Albert You know me, son, I never interfere. But I think it's only right to tell the boy. Del Yes, what we have here, Uncle, is a case of je ne sais pas pourquoi. Albert What's that mean? Del Well, roughly translated it means; 'He who sticks his nose into a beehive will get more than a nostrilful of honey!' Are we understanding each other? Albert I'm saying nothing, son. Del Cushty. INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. DAY. STUDIO. Rodney I'd better be getting off. Cassandra What are you and Del up to today? Rodney He's picking up a gross of Italian shirts off Monkey Harris and I'm down the market selling kiddies' dolls. Rodney pats the old suitcase which is standing next to him. Rodney (Cont'd) I won't always be doing this. Cassandra Doing what? Rodney Well, selling crap down markets. I'll get my diploma in computer science soon. Then things will change. Cassandra You don't have to prove anything to me, you know that don't you, Rodney? Rodney Well, you've got a good job in a bank, ain't yer? Your dad's a successful business- man and me, well, I'm an apprentice fly-pitcher! I mean, let's be fair, Cass, a girl like you, she could marry some really rich good- looking bloke. Cassandra If I was to meet a handsome, wealthy young man and he asked me to marry him, d'you know what I'd say? Rodney What? Cassandra I'd say, "Ciao, Rodney!" And you wouldn't see me for the tinted windows of his Porsche. But until that time I'm happy to drag along with you. Rodney So you're not just saying that? Cassandra No, honestly. Rodney (A great sigh of relief) And there's me fretting, eh? Cassandra I've been going out with you longer than I went out with any of my other boyfriends. And do you know why? Rodney 'Cos they all packed you in? Cassandra Right! And because I love you. Rodney Oh! Well, I love you too, Cass. We now see Mike is clearing the table next to them and has heard this. Mike What a load of old cobblers! Mike moves back to the bar mumbling to himself. Mike (Cont'd) It makes you wanna throw up! Cassandra Why do you always come to this pub? Del enters. Rodney It's the atmosphere, I suppose. Del Rodders! Rodney Yeah, on me way now, Del. Del No, no stay where you are. Michael - champagne! Del arrives at the table. Del (To Rodney) Have I got news for you, bruv. You, Rodney Trotter, have only won a competition! Rodney Alright, what is it, a wind- up? Del No, no, this is God's-honest. Look, there it is, in black and white. What can't speak can't lie! Look at that, look at that! Rodney I don't believe this is happening to me! Bloody 'ell! (To Cassandra) Oh sorry! Cassandra That's alright. Where's the other page? Del Eh? Cassandra Well, it says: 'please turn to page two'. Del Ah, yes, that's alright, no ... I've left that at the flat. Rodney It's not a mistake? Del No, no, it's all pukka. They're looking forward to meeting you in Mallorca! They wanna take publicity photo- graphs and everything. You're gonna be on the back of millions of cornflake packets! Rodney Am I? Del Yeah, you and the other nine winners, yeah. Rodney A Mediterranean holiday, eh? I've never won anything before in my life, have I? Del No, apart from them 'Ugly Bird' comp... No, he's never won anything in his life. Cassandra You clever old thing! I didn't even know you'd been in for a competition. Rodney Well, no, it was... Del, I never went in for this competition! Del No, no, I did it for you. It was a painting competition, you see, so I sent of the old 'Marble Arch at Dawn', and it's come up trumps! Cassandra What did the other page say? Del Er... nothing... er... it was all about sightseeing and excursions and all that sort of thing. 'Ere listen, I'll get the champers, alright? Del escapes to the bar. Rodney A holiday for two in Mallorca, eh? Cassandra Mm. Rodney Can you imagine it Cass? A luxury suite, five star hotel. Cassandra A la carte menu! Rodney Spending money! A whole week of total freedom. Nothing to do but sit back in the sun- shine and gaze at the blue skies and golden beaches - and then dance the night away in the warm Mediterranean air. Cassandra God, it sounds wonderful! Rodney Will you miss me? Cassandra Bound to. But I expect I'll find something to replace the excitement of your presence - you know, knitting, something like that. Rodney Can you get a week of work? Cassandra Yeah, I'm owed some holidays. Rodney Right! What about your parents? Cassandra I thought it was only a holiday for two. Rodney You know what I mean. How are they gonna feel about you going on holiday with me? Cassandra Rodney, mum and dad like you, they trust you. Rodney Do they? I'm not sure I like that. Del returns with a bottle of champagne and glasses on a tray. Del Here we go. There we go. I'll tell you what, Rodders, we'll be having champagne for breakfast every morning when we get to Mallorca. And all down to Larkin. There you go darling. I'll tell you what. I just can't wait to get there. Rodney reacts, he hadn't reckoned on this. He looks to Cassandra for help. She lowers her eyes, sensing that this is a family matter. Rodney Er... well, thing is, Del. Del Come on, drink up, 'ere come one. Cheers! Celebrate! Rodney Cheers. It's just that, you now, this holiday is for two, and I... I was thinking... Del No, no, no. It's not for two! It's for three people. Rodney Three? Del Yeah. Rodney You sure? Del 'Course I'm sure. I read it was on the page that I tre...I left in the flat. Rodney Three's a funny number, innit? Del Oh yeah, three's very funny. Always has me in stitches does three. How about you? Cassandra Three's not bad, but seven's my favourite, it creases me up. Del Oh, seven's a killer. Rodney What I mean is, these things are usually done in twos, ain't they? I mean, you see it on the telly, don't you - Bob's Full House, The Price Is Right and all that game - a holiday for two! So why's this one for three? Del I don't know. Ask the people at the cornflakes factory. Cassandra Maybe it's 'cos it's Mega Flakes. You know? They do everything bigger. Del There you are, see, she's cracked it. I'll tell you what this means, Rodney. Rodney What? Del It means that Cassandra can come with us, eh? Rodney Yeah, hadn't thought of that. Cassandra Thank you. Love to. Del Yeah well, what is it eh? Just - what three weeks to the off? Just enough time to get us some new clothes. You get your bikini-line sorted out, and then we are away. Lovely Jubbly! Rodney Yeah great! Three people? Del Yes, three, Rodney, just three, three. Just don't keep on about it, alright? Cassandra How does Albert feel about you two going off and leaving him? Del Albert is over the moon about it. Gives him seven clear days to row in with Elsie Partridge. She'll be round the flat before you can say ole! Cassandra Excuse me. Rodney Oh right. (Kissing her on cheek) Look... er... I'll see you later, OK? Take care. Cassandra I'm just going to the ladies. Rodney Sorry! I thought you were going back to... Del is laughing at Rodney as Cassandra exits. Del You wally! Rodney Shut up. Look, I’m glad she's gone, I want to have a little chat with ya, you know? I've got a bit of a problem. Well, it's more of a worry. Del What? Is it about the holiday? Rodney Well, yeah, sort of. Er... Holiday's heightened my concern, you know? Made the problem a little more urgent kinda thing. Del What is it, then? Rodney Well, it's... Rodney picks up the 'Which Car?' magazine. He surveys the bar to make sure no one is looking. He places the magazine under the table and opens the page to Del. Del What, Ford Escorts? Rodney Eh? No... Rodney finds the right page. He opens the magazine so that Del and us get a quick glimpse of the condom ad. He closes it quickly. Del Oh I see. Look bruv, you don't have t worry; they're not really that size in real life. Rodney I know that! God... I know they're not that... bloody 'ell! What I mean is, me and Cassandra, are getting closer all the time, you know? Well, I mean, we haven't done nothing yet. Del No? I thought you was on the firm with it. Rodney No, no, no, it's nothing like that. But you, wee you know let's face it, with the best of intentions these things can get beyond our control. Del Yeah. Way beyond mine. Rodney Exactly. So I feel that in this day and age, er... what with what's happening in the world, it is every responsible adult's duty to, well... Del Go equipped? Rodney Well yeah, if you like. Del Yeah, well, no... that's very wise and mature of you, Rodders, that is. So what's the problem? Rodney Well I... I keep going to buy 'em... Del And... Rodney Well, there's a sort of stigma attached to 'em. Del No, that's just a piece of silver foil. You chuck that away. Rodney I don't know why I ever involved you in this. I mean, well... in this day of AIDS and all the warnings on the telly and in the press and all that, people are still embarrassed to go and buy 'em. I mean, me, I seem to think that it's only seedy little blokes do it. Del Hm. Rodney Will you go and get 'em for me? Del On your bike! Get 'em your- self! Rodney I've been trying to do that for a long time, but when- ever I go into the shop it's either a lady serving me or me bottle goes! Look at this. Rodney produces four combs, a tub of Vick and some photographic film. Rodney (Cont'd) This morning I bought four combs, a tub of Vick and a film for a Kodak Insta- matic! Del Yeah, but they sell them everywhere these days. You can get 'em in the... in the butcher's, the bike shop, in Patel's Multimart - they're by the phonecard counter. They even had a machine in here you could get 'em in once. You know, except it got jammed with a drachma. Have you discussed it with Cassandra? Rodney Well, of course I haven't! What d'you think I...? Hold up, she's coming back! Del Alright? Want some more champagne darling? Cassandra No, I've got to get back to work in a minute. I'll stick with the fruit juice. Del I'll get you another one. Rodney Cass. What I was saying earlier about our blossoming relationship. Cassandra What about it? Rodney Well, when one is in a situation like ours - one... Cassandra Or in our case , two. Rodney Or in our case two. Should be careful. Cassandra Careful of what? Rodney That we don't become three! Cassandra Oh! I see what you mean! Rodney Yeah... I.. I do hope you don't think I'm being a bit presuming. I... I just thought, well, we are going on holiday together and, you know, in that atmosphere of sunshine and freedom and, well, sharing the hotel suite, our relationship might..,. could - well, who knows? - ascend to a more physical plane. Cassandra Yes, I suppose so. Rodney Yeah? Cassandra Well, who knows what might happen? You haven't been discussing this with Del, have you? Rodney Well... no, course I have- n't, no. What d'you think I am? Cassandra Good. Del now shouts from across the bar. Del Oi, Rodders! You're in luck. Mike's had a new machine fitted in the gents. Mike I'll get you some change, Rodney. INT. ARRIVALS AREA. PALMA AIRPORT. DAY. STUDIO. We see Del, Rodney and Cassandra exiting from the customs area. Del Where are they, then? Rodney The courier said meet at the desk. Cassandra There it is. Above the desk is a large 'Mega Flakes' logo. All of the group wear rosette-type badges which carry the logo and their names written in magic marker. An Englishman wearing short-sleeved shirt and a tie is walking among the group asking questions and ticking off names on a clipboard. Rodney Right! Pour the sangria, Jose, we have arrived! Rodney takes Cassandra's arm and they are about to move towards desk. Del Just a minute, hang on. Rodney What's up? Del Listen, just before you go and check in... erm... the prize ain't quite as straight-forward as it seems. Cassandra Rodney did win, didn't he? Del Oh yes, yes, yes. Oh yeah, well, it's all pukka and above board and all that. I mean, we're here, ain't we? You know, we've got all the tickets and everything, yeah? Cassandra So what's the problem? Rodney is now studying the group with a puzzled express- ion. Rodney That's strange, you know. Cassandra What? Rodney Well, I noticed it on the plane but it didn't sort of register. They're all mums and dads. They've all brought their kids with 'em. Cassandra What's strange about that? Rodney Well, except for me, right, all the winners are parents. Del No, it's not the parents that are the winners, Rodney. It's the kids. Cassandra What do you mean? Del Well, Rodney's painting won first prize - in an under-15 -year-old category. Rodney Say it again! Cassandra So they think Rodney's 15? Rodney Is that right? Del No. They think you're 14. Rodney Fourteen? They think I'm 14? Inside Cassandra wants to explode with laughter but, for Rodney's sake, she controls herself. But as she looks at him it becomes too much. She turns away quickly with a tiny snort or yelp or whatever. Rodney (Cont'd) Why didn't you tell me this back in England? Del Well, I thought it might cast a little cloud over the holiday. Look, Rodney, I sent your painting off in good faith. I mean, I didn't know there were lots of categories. But it was you - not me - you were the one that wrote on it 'Rodney Trotter, aged 14 and an 'arf'. So the organizers must have put you in the kid's category. So it's your fault for writing on it. Rodney But how was I to know that in 12 years' time you were going to enter it for a cornflakes competition? Del Well, how was I supposed to know that you'd win, eh? 'Ere, it doesn't matter. Now, come on, come on, you're gonna waltz through it. Cassandra has regained her composure and turns back to them just in time to hear Rodney say: Rodney Waltz through it! How the 'ell am I gonna pass for 14? Cassandra turns away again convulsed with laughter. Rodney Will you stop doing that, Cassandra? Cassandra Sorry. Rodney Act your age. Cassandra collapses with laughter at this. Rodney (Cont'd) (To Del) This is your fault. I'm gonna break your bloody neck! Del Just look, just look over there look, look. Some of those lads, look, they're over six foot tall. I mean, 15- and 16-year-olds, they look much older these days than they used to. And you've got the added advantage of your boyish good looks. Cassandra nods but is still hiding her face to conceal her laughter. Rodney That's why there was three tickets, innit? One each for Mummy and Daddy and one for the sprog. Del Well, you can't expect 13- and 14-year-olds to go abroad on their own, can you? Rodney And what exactly is your role in all this? Del Well, when the cornflakes people phoned up they said that you had to be accompanied by your parents. So I said - and I... I don't know why I did it, I must have been flustered at the time - I said that I was your dad. Rodney My dad! Did you hear that, Cassandra? Cassandra Yeah! And who the hell am I supposed to be? His mum? Del Shh! Shh! Keep it down! I said that Rodney's real mother had sadly passed away, I mean, that's the truth innit? And I said that I had met a younger woman who has become a very important part of my life. Cassandra And is that supposed to be me? Del No, it's that fat bird over the back there! Yes, it's supposed to be you. Cassandra So, according to you, I'm supposed to be Rodney's common-law stepmother? Rodney God, please tell me this is a bad dream. Del You're only pretending aren't you? I mean, you ain't gotta check behind his ears or pick him up from school or nothing like that, have yer?' Cassandra I think we should go and tell them the truth. Del Just a minute, dopey, just a minute. We're here, now, aren't we? If we all keep schtum we can have a lovely free holiday. Rodney But if they find out we're lying they'll chuck us out the hotel. Del And if they find out we're telling them the truth, they'll chuck us out of the hotel. Now return flights are not for another week, so what we gonna do? They'll probably stick us in a Spanish half-way home. Rodney Del Boy, at some point during the week, they are gonna realise I am not 14. Del Yeah, but we'll be back in the hotel by then, won't we? There'll be nobody there to ask questions? Come on, we're on holiday, eh? Cassandra Well, whatever else it turns out to be, it's an experience. Del Good girl, good girl, that's right. You know it makes sense, don't yer? That's it now come on, come on, then, come on, let's get over there and check in, come on. And try to act a bit mumsy. Cassandra What d'you mean, mumsy? Del Just be a bit mumsy, that's all. Del and Cassandra move off towards the desk. As they arrive Perkins is talking to some of the parents. Perkins We'll be leaving in about five minutes, OK? It's only a half-hour journey to the hotel, so we should be there in plenty of time for lunch. Del Excuse me. Trotter party. Perkins Oh, Mr Trotter, good. We've been waiting for you. Del Hello there. Perkins Alan Perkins. Pleased to meet you both. Now, here are your rosettes... Del Oh lovely. Perkins Mrs Trotter, Mr Trotter, and this one's for young Rod... He's a big lad, isn't he? Del Yes, his late mother was a very tall woman. Six foot three. Perkins Really? Del Oh yes. Perkins Extraordinary. Oh well, here's your badge, Rodney. Perkins hands Rodney a pin-on metal badge which has 'The Groovy Gang' printed on it. Perkins (Cont'd) You are now a life member of the Groovy Gang. Rodney The what? Perkins The Groovy Gang. It's just an idea we came up with to help the kids feel really part of it. Every time one of the organizers says, 'Are you having fun?' all you kids shout back, 'Groovy'. Cassandra turns her head to avoid Rodney seeing her laugh. Del (To Perkins) Well, don't worry, don't worry. He'll soon get the hang of it. Perkins Yes, fine. Well, we'll... er ... be off in a moment. Del Yes thank you. Rodney I don't believe this is happening to me! Del We'll be on the coach in a minute, be at the hotel in 'arf an hour and then you're free to do what you want. Nice, and easy bruv, nice and easy. Carmen OK! All the members of the Groovy Gang over here. Rodney Oh no! Carmen We're all going to the hotel on the Fun Bus. Not with all the old fogies. Del, playing the part, chuckles along with the other parents. Del Sauce, eh? Rodney is horrified to see Del joining in. Rodney You're enjoying this, ain't yer? Del I'm just playing along with them. Perkins Mums and dads, if you'd like to follow me, the coach is just outside. We've laid on a little welcoming reception back at the hotel. I'm sure that none of you would object to a glass or three of sangria. Del That's lovely, Alan. Go on, then, Rodney, go on, off you go. Rodney What? Del You're supposed to be with the Groovy Gang. Rodney I don't want to be with the sodding Groovy Gang! Del Come on, Rodney, don't spoil it now. Cassandra They're looking over here. Carmen I'm still waiting for a... Rodney Trotter. Del Over here, sweetheart! Here he is. Carmen Come on, Rodney don't be... Carmen's smile dies as she reacts to Rodney. She has never seen a taller or mature-looking 14-year-old. Del Hurry up, Rodders, they're getting suspicious. Rodney I'm not going. Perkins Is he not a good mixer? Del A good mixer? He's like a Kenwood Chef when he gets going. Carmen Come on, Rodney, come on, Rodney, don't be shy. You'll soon make friends. We're gong out for a jumbo hamburger and double French fries. Del That's his favourite. Cassandra Don't get any ketchup down your shirt. Rodney Et tu, Cassandra? Cassandra shrugs helplessly to Rodney in a 'what can I do?' manner. Del We'll see you back at the hotel, then, Rodney. Del's arm goes around Cassandra's waist. Del (Cont'd) Come on, darling. Cassandra (Clenched teeth) Don't push your luck, Derek. Carmen leads Rodney across to the rest of the Groovy Gang, where there is a little girl of about thirteen. She fancies Rodney. Little Girl Do you like Bros? Rodney No. Carmen All together, are you having fun? Groovy Gang Groovy! Carmen That's better. Let's go. INT. SPANISH HOTEL BEDROOM. DAY. STUDIO. Cassandra's suitcase is open on the bed. She is now fuming at the sudden turn of events. She is dumping the clothes into cupboards, etc., and slamming doors and drawers. Del enters through the main door in a rather sheep- ish manner. Their eyes meet. Del smiles. Cassandra glares. Del Alright? Cassandra slams a drawer. Del (Cont'd) Nice ere, innit? I've just been down to reception I've bought us some Spanish state lottery tickets. Cassandra slams a drawer. Del (Cont'd) There's some for you, I put your name on and everything. And there's some for Rodney there, look, and there's some for me. Never know your luck eh? We're on a winning roll, ain't we? Cassandra Tell that to poor Rodney. Del Oh look, don't keep going on about it. You're gonna spoil the holiday for us you will. Listen, have you had a look round? What's here? Oh that's very nice. She slams something else. Del pops his head into second bedroom. Del (Cont'd) That must be Rodney's room. It's got a picture of Prince on the wall. Cassandra If that's Rodney's room, where am I supposed to sleep? Del Well... well, I assumed that you and Rodney... No, alright. I'll sleep in there. Cassandra Okay, so you sleep in that room. But, I repeat, where am I supposed to sleep? Del Well... well, I thought that you and Rodney... Or maybe not! Cassandra I'll sleep in there. You and Rodney can have the honey- moon bed. Del Alright, alright, anything you say, sweetheart, anything you say. I just thought it might be a bit strange when the old maid comes in. You know, see me and old Rodney tucked up on the king-size. Cassandra It would look even stranger if she found Rodney sleeping with his step- mother! Del I didn't think of that. I'd better go and cancel break- fast in bed. Do you want me to take that picture of Prince down off the wall? Cassandra Just leave it, Derek. You've helped Rodney and me already. Del Oh look, I thought the cornflakes people would leave us alone to enjoy our holiday. I didn't know they were going to conscript Rodney into the Groovy Gang. I mean, why are they doing it? Cassandra Mr Perkins explained it to us. It's so the youngsters won't get bored and parents can have a rest. I won't see him all week, will I? Del Yes, of course you will. He's bound to get a spot of leave. (Looking out of apartment window) Here y'are. There they all are now. Hey, Rodney, don't go mad! Cassandra Where are they? Del They just went down over that hill there. Cassandra That was quick, wasn't it? Del They were on skateboards. Rodney was the leader, he was right out in front. Leader of the pack. Cassandra Oh my God! There is a knock at the door. Del Hello? Carmen May I come in? Del Yes, come in. Carmen enters. She is wearing her official uniform. Carmen Hello, Mrs Trotter. Cassandra forgets that she is the temporary Mrs Trotter. Cassandra Oh! Good afternoon, Carmen. Carmen Is Rodney here? Cassandra No, he's not here at the moment. Carmen Oh he's still out enjoying himself. Cassandra Yes. Carmen Well, it's just to let him know about the junior disco on Wednesday night. But I'll come back later and tell him then. Bye for now. Carmen exits. Cassandra turns to Del who is at doors to the balcony. Cassandra Did you hear that? Del He enjoys a little dance. Cassandra It's a junior disco. Del Well, alright, we'll say he's ill. Cassandra Oh what, more lies? Del No. When Rodney finds out, he's bound to be a bit Tom and Dick anyway. Right, I'm gonna have a wash then we go down and get something to eat, alright? Cassandra But what about Rodney? Del Oh that's alright. We'll pick him up down there somewhere. Cassandra Yes, just look for the nearest sandpit. Del exits to bathroom laughing at Cassandra's line which she didn't mean to be funny. From inside the bathroom we hear the sound of running tap-water and Del singing "Spanish eyes". Now the main doors opens slowly and Rodney enters. He wears a skate-boarder's protective helmet, elbow and knee pads and carries his skateboard under his arm. Rodney is forcing himself to stay calm, his face is serious - deadly serious. He stares at Cassandra, daring her to laugh. Cassandra fights not to laugh at this vision before her. Rodney points a warning finger at her. Cassandra What have you been doing? Rodney I've been skateboarding, Cassandra. Cassandra Oh I see. Rodney Where's Del? Cassandra He's having a wash. Rodney moves to bathroom door and knocks gently. Rodney (Calmly) Derek? Del Is that you, Rodders? Rodney Yes, I'm back. Could you come out, please. I'd like a word with you. Del Won't be long, bruv. Rodney (Still calm) No, could you come out now? Del No, I've got me pants off, Rodney! Rodney Well, it's quite urgent, Del. Del Alright. Give us five minutes, I'll be with you. Rodney Sorry about the bad language, Cassandra. Cassandra What bad language? Rodney (Explodes) Get out here now, you bastard, I'm going to kill you! Del Oi, oi, oi. What's up with you? Rodney I'll tell you what's up with me... Thanks to you I am now a 26-year-old man who just came second in a skateboard derby! Del Second? You were in the lead when I saw you! Rodney I fell off! Del I told you not to go mad. Rodney I also have a 13-year-old Bros fan called Trudie who's got the hots for me. And tomorrow I start the first of three cycling proficiency lessons and I'm gonna kill you! Del Calm down, Rodney! You're acting like a big kid. Rodney Bastard! Del I'm not coming out 'til you've simmered down a bit. Rodney Well, I'll wait. I don't care if it takes all bloody week. I'm gonna get you, Derek Trotter, I'm gonna get you! Cassandra Have you seen the view? Rodney No! Rodney exits to balcony putting his skateboard down somewhere and removing his helmet as he does. He throws himself down in balcony chair and stares angrily out at the view. Cassandra Would you like a drink? Rodney Strychnine, please. Cassandra Ice and lemon? Rodney at last cracks a tiny smile. Rodney shows her a graze on his arm. Rodney That's where I come off. Poxy lizard! Cassandra Shall I clean it up for you? Rodney No. Cassandra It could turn septic. Rodney Good. Cassandra now sees someone down by the pool. Cassandra Is that Trudie waving at you? Rodney Yeah. Rodney gives a tiny, embarrassed wave back. Cassandra controls her laughter and exits to bedroom. She moves to the bar or cocktail cabinet to get Rodney's drink. As she does so Del exits from bathroom cautiously. Del Has he come to his senses yet? Rodney Git! Del Veinites, alright veinites. Look, Rodney, look, do you think if I knew this was gonna happen that I would allow us to come over here? Rodney Well, of course you would! 'Cos you don't give a toss about anybody else as long as you're having a good time. Del Oh, that hurts, Rodney! No, that hurts! That's like a... like a knife going right through my heart, that. I may be many things but I'm not selfish. Cassandra passes a drink to Rodney but Del intercepts it and starts to drink it. Del (Cont'd) Cheers, darling, thank you very much. Anyway, they probably fixed up all the entertainments today to make you feel at home. The rest of the week is your own, most probably. Rodney Oh no. I was given the full itinerary. Tomorrow after my cycling lesson, we're off to the splash 'n' slide. Then Wednesday in the morning we're going go-karting. Then in the afternoon we have a ping-pong championship. Then on Thursday me and the rest of the Groovy Gang are out all day painting Palma Cathedral. Del What, in matt or vinyl? Rodney You're enjoying every bloody minute of this, ain't you? Del No, I'm not, I'm not. I'm just trying to lighten the atmosphere. Honestly if you keep up this mood you're going to ruin this holiday for me. Rodney Listen to me, you git. The... Cassandra Arguing's not going to help! Del It's your fault for telling him about the junior disco. Rodney Junior disco? Cassandra I didn't say a word. Rodney I ain't going to a junior disco! Del It's alright, Rodney, it's alright, you don't have to. Me and your stepmum have sorted it all out. We're gonna say you've got gut- ache! Rodney Oh no, don't say I'm ill! Del Why not? Rodney They've got a great fat nurse to look after us! Del But you like uniforms, don't you eh? Rodney Yeah, but you want to see her. She'd have to go on a diet to get into the Roly- Polys! God, what a choice eh? I can either have all day with Trudie in me earhole going on about Matt and Luke or have Sister George rubbing me belly! Del Tricky one, bruv! Rodney You are enjoying this, ain't you? Del No, honest. I'm trying to help you. Cassandra You're deliberately saying things to annoy Rodney, aren't you? Del Alright, I won't say another word! Right, that's it, I'm just gonna go out and have a walk around the town, alright? Cassandra I didn't know you liked uniforms... Rodney No, no, it's just him mucking about. We hear a knock on the main door. Del opens it to Perkins and Carmen. Carmen Is Rodney back yet? Del Rodney, the Arkela I here! Perkins We just thought we would... er... take the opportunity to... er... check your passports. Del What d'you want to check our passports for? We must have the strong feeling that Carmen and Perkins are suspicious of Rodney's age and are doing their own investigation. They share little suspicious looks and are edgy. Carmen It's simply Spanish regul- ations. Perkins Immigration laws. I'm sure you understand. Del Do you know where our pass- ports are, dear? Cassandra Oh yes. I'll just get them. Rodney gestures Del over to him. Rodney (Whispering) My date of birth's on my passport. Del (Whispering) It's alright, don't worry, I doctored it. Rodney Oh thank... You've done what? Del It's alright it was only written in biro so I altered the last two numbers to make it look as though you were born in 1975. Right? Rodney I don't believe... Cassandra Here they are. Carmen and Perkins give the passport a cursory glance and hand it straight back to Cassandra. Perkins Thank you. Now they do the same thing with the second passport only they hand it back to Del. Carmen Thank you. Del Thank you. Carmen Thank you. Del Thank you. Now they open Rodney's passport (this is one they've been looking for). They study it long and hard. Now they both look at Rodney, suspicion written all over their faces. Perkins Well, everything seems to be in order. Sorry to have bothered you. Carmen Yes. Rodney, don't forget about the junior disco on Wednesday night. We start at 7.40 pm. It's great fun. We have break-dancing and spot prizes. Rodney Smashing. Del shows them to the door. Perkins and Carmen exit. Del Listen, I reckon we ought to keep our heads down for a while, until the coast is clear. I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll order some room service. Rodney What? No, no... Del Eh? Rodney I mean, we're alright now, ain't we? Del Eh? Rodney Why don't you go out for a little while? You know you look like you could do with a bit of fresh air. Rodney gestures with his head, 'Go out and leave me and Cassandra alone'. Del (Gets the message) Oh? Yeah, yeah. Now you come to mention it I do feel, you know, a bit claustrophobic! Well... I'll leave you two alone, then, shall I? Oh, and Rodney? Rodney Yeah! Del, in a kind of loud and secret whisper right across the room: Del They're in my flight bag! INT. HOTEL BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO. This is a few nights later. Once again the decor is expensive and tasteful. Upstage we have large double doors which are open and ead into disco. Inside the disco we can se members of the Groovy Gang and other youngsters from the hotel. They are dancing to 'The Birdie Song'. We get the impression that they are formed in a large circle and the circle is moving slowly in an anti-clockwise direction. We can see only half of the circle and it is without Rodney. Cassandra is seated alone at table. Del s at the bar collecting drinks. Del So he said he fell with her ... Listen, come on... Listen, you two better go. I'll see you later, alright? Girl Ta ra, mate. Thank you. Del (To Cassandra) Alright? Cassandra No! I thought Rodney and I would be spending a romantic week together. I have spent most nights sitting in our room alone. All I've seen of him is brief glimpses as he and the Groovy Gang rush off to the crazy golf or the evening film show. Oh my poor Rodney! Cassandra turns towards the disco and reacts. We now see through the open doors to disco that the Groovy Gang's dancing circle has moved round and Rodney is now in view and follows the movement of the others in an embarrassed, self-conscious way. He does all the action to 'The Birdie Song'. He now does a double- take as he sees Del and Cassandra. Del gives him an encouraging smile and the thumbs up sign. Rodney glares back and gives him the v-sign. Del That's charming, innit? He'll lose Brownie points for that one. Still seems to be enjoying himself, don't he? Cassandra Rodney's not enjoying himself! Last night he cried. Del Why do you think he's carry- ing on with this pretence, eh? Certainly ain't doing it for me, 'cos if me and Rodders had been ere on our own we'd have been out on that street ten minutes after landing! He's only doing this for you, sweetheart. Cassandra Me? Del Yeah. He told me. Cassandra Really? Del Would I lie to you? He only wants e to see you having a good time. He wants to see you enjoying the sunshine. He's only trying to make you happy. So the least you can do is put on a smile for him. Let him know his sacrifices have not been in vain. Cassandra I didn't know. Del No, well there you are. Didn't want to tell you but, you know, you forced me hand. Oh, here he is. Alright, Rodders? Rodney (To Trudie) I'll be back in a minute! Cassandra Having fun? Rodney Groovy! Ah, you didn't get me a drink then? Del Eh? Rodney Well, not to worry, I'll get my own. Del Alright! Don't get stroppy about it. Rodney Can I have a large Bacardi and coke, please? Del And an orange cordial with ice and a straw, please. Rodney Del, I'm gonna tell them the truth. I can't take it any- more. Let 'em chuck us out in the gutter if they like, I just don't care. Del That's alright. Go on, go on. You just think of number one, eh? What about that poor mare? She's having the time of her life on this holiday. Rodney Are we both talking about Cassandra? Del Yes, we are. She just told me. Rodney But last night she told me she hated it! She said she'd rather be self-catering in Beirut! Del She's only saying that for you. 'Cos she thinks you got the 'ump because you had to go into these ping-pong championships and hamburger- eating contests. She's only backing you up. But secretly she's really enjoying herself. Go on, you go and ask her. Rodney I didn't know that. Del No, well I didn't want to tell you but, you know, you forced it out of me. Rodney sits down next to Cassandra. Rodney So, you enjoying yourself? Cassandra Yeah, I'm having a great time. You? Rodney Yeah, cosmic. I wish we were staying here for a fortnight. You enjoying yourself, Del? Del Not bad. We now see a woman enter and survey the bar. She is in her early 30s, good figure but slightly brassy in make- up, hair-style and dress. Del (Cont'd) Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute sweetheart! Promised to take those two girls to a nightclub. May e back late - tomorrow lunchtime, sort of! I've emptied my flight bag. See ya! Del exits with the woman. Rodney and Cassandra smile at each other. Carmen calls from the disco doors. Carmen Rodney, Rodney. It's the finals of the break-dancing championship. Rodney God! Cassandra It's up to you. D'you fancy watching? Rodney Watching? I'm in it! INT. HOTEL BAR. DAY. STUDIO. Del enters looking disheveled - as if he has just surfaced from a hectic night. Rodney and Cassandra are seated at the bar looking at a newspaper. Del Juan. Can I have a pina colada with ice and Alka Seltzer? Upon hearing his voice Rodney and Cassandra move down the bar to him. Rodney Del. Del Yeah? Cassandra Where have you been? Del Sorry, dear. Me and that woman I took out last night found we had a lot in common. What are you two dancing about for? Rodney You know you said we was on a winning roll? Del Yeah? Rodney It weren't a roll, my son, it was a bloody avalanche! (To Cassandra) Sorry. Cassandra It's OK. Del What are you talking about? Rodney We've won. Del I'm not with you Rodders. Rodney We've won! Del What, the break-dancing contest? Cassandra D'you remember the day we arrived at the hotel? You bought some Spanish state lottery tickets. Well... Rodney/Cassandra We've won! Del You're winding me up! Rodney No, No, look. Rodney shows Del the newspaper and ticket. Rodney (Cont'd) Carmen gave us this paper to swat the flies with. Cassy did Spanish at school and she noticed the result. Look. Del Bloody hell! Rodney (To Cassandra) Sorry. Cassandra S'alright. Rodney It's a million pesetas, Derek! Del A million? You know what this means, don't you Rodney? We've done it! We're millionaires! I always told you didn't I? Rodney You've always said it! Del Yes, this time next year... Rodney and Del We'll be millionaires! Cassandra But it's only a million pesetas. Rodney and Del Only! Del Listen, darling. I don't care if it's pesetas, roubles or Hungarian luncheon vouchers! We're rich! Del and Rodney embrace and jump up and down in joyous celebration. Del breaks into song: Del (Cont') Oh! If I was a rich man... Rodney and Del Yoo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo... All day long I'd... doo doo. Del suddenly stops, panic written all over his face. Del Hold on, hold on! Ah, we're in Spain! Rodney I know. Del And we're foreigners! Rodney So? Del Well, there might be some, some Spanish law saying foreigners can't pick up Spanish kitties! Cassandra Then why did the man sell you the tickets if he knew you couldn't win? Del To earn himself more commis- sion. Rodney Oh no! Come on, Del, not even you would... Rodney then realises Del would. Del Eh? Rodney My God, they've got a rule! Del Yeah! Rodney I just know they've got a rule! Del Mr Perkins - Alan. Perkins Oh, there you are! I've been looking for you every- where! I've just heard the marvelous news. Congrat- ulations! Del Yes, yes, thanks. I wonder if you would sort of, double-check that for us, would you? Perkins Of course, pleasure. Yes, no doubt this is the winning ticket. If you like I'll ring the regional office of the lottery organizers and stake your claim. Del I was a little bit worried, we were worried about us being foreigners. Perkins How do you mean? Cassandra Well, is there a rule that says non-nationals aren't allowed to win the lottery? Perkins I don't believe so. We sell tickets here in reception to guests from all over Europe. Rodney Well, can you check the rules for us? Del Yeah, look, they're on the back there somewhere. They're all written in Spanish or someinck! Yeah. Perkins Yes, of course. No... No... That's okay... Ah! It says, "Non-citizens of Spain must present their passport and any necessary visa documentation with their winning ticket when making a claim". You've just won a million pesetas! Del and Rodney Ay! Wow! Ooohhh! Do be do be do be do... Perkins Oh dear! Del Do do... Perkins Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! Del Something wrong, Alan? Perkins I don't quite know how to break the news. I'm afraid you can't claim a penny of this money, Mr Trotter. Rodney But we've got the winning ticket! Del Yeah! Cassandra We've checked these numbers a hundred times! Del Yeah, you just double- checked it yourself! Perkins Yes, the numbers are correct. It is the winning ticket, alright. The problem is it's got Rodney's name on it. You see, under Spanish law nobody under the age of 18 is allowed to gamble. Del Yeah, but look at him. They'd never guess he was under age. Perkins That's what we've been saying all week! But Rodney would have to present his passport. I've seen it myself and it states quite clearly that he was born in 1975... Del He wasn't...Look, he's not... I mean... I don't believe this is happening to me. Perkins I can imagine how you feel, Mr Trotter. I'm as disap- pointed as you. Del I bet you're not pal! Perkins I'm sorry. I'm so dreadfully sorry. Perkins exits. Rodney You berk. Del All is not lost Rodders. We'll simply tell them the truth. Cassandra I don't think that's a good idea Del. By telling the truth, you would be pleading guilty to forging an official document, Rodney would be pleading to enter- ing the country illegally and I'd have a hard time proving I wasn't an accessory before the fact. They'd all carry custodial sentences. Del What? Rodney We'd all go down the Kermit! Del There's gotta be a way... There's gotta be a way. Del has an idea. He begins to smile. Rodney Oh no! What are you gonna do? Del produces a biro pen. Rodney (Cont'd) You're not gonna have another go at my passport! It'll look like a kindergarten scribbl- ing pad by the time you've finished! Del Not the passport, Rodney, the ticket. I'm gonna change 'Rodney' to 'Del'. Rodney How the hell can you change Rodney to... Oh God! Cassandra Bloody hell! (To Rodney) Sorry. Rodney S'alright. NB. The ending of this original draft differs from the original transmitted programme.

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