Only Fools And Horses

Chain Gang

EXT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. FILM. There is a sign that reads: "The One Eleven Club. Licensed Gaming Premises. Members Only." In the car park between the Mercedes and the Porches, etc, we see Del's three-wheeled van. INT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. All similarities to the Richardson's' 'Two Eleven Club' are purely coincidental. Unlike Monte Carlo the emphasis here is on card games and one-armed bandits as opposed to roulette. Also the only people wearing evening suits, save for Del, are the bouncers who all look as if they have just finished government training schemes to become jury-nobblers. The clientele is varied. We have the obvious heavies in their two and three-piece traditional suits - the slightly younger set with their Glenn Hoddle hair- cuts and strong contingent from the 'Greenpeace' section of the yardies. The women reflect their men's tastes which are usually hot and spicy and come in tin foil containers. There are more breasts and thighs on show than on Sainsbury's poultry counter. The decor is chandeliers, crystal-effect table lamps, etc and the furnishings are similar, Georgian chairs, a chaise longue or two. As with any licensed gaming premises the members play with plastic chips. We have the large main ' playing area' (of which we will see little - just a glimpse of a card game or whatever is necessary to give the atmosphere of a gaming club). We come on a card table where Del is sitting. He is wearing his evening suit and satin bow tie. During his conversation with Trigger, the croupier deals him two cards. Trigger approaches. He wears his 'best clothes' (as per Christmas special). He sits next to Del. Trigger Alright, Del Boy? Del Wotcher, Trig. Trigger No Dave? Del Yeah, he's coming down later. He's bringing that bird of his - what's her name... Cassandra. Trigger He's going a bit serious, ain't he? Del No, birds always blow him out after a couple of weeks! That boy's been blown out more times than a windsock. Trig, don't look now, but you see the bloke at the bar? Don't look! Arnie, who is in his late forties, is standing at the bar laughing and joking with the barman. He is smartly dressed and speaks with a middle-of-the-road accent - it's neither refined nor rough - it's the kind of accent the manager of your local B&Q would have. Arnie is a friendly and genuine kind of person, a 'solid bloke'. He has a gentle and generous nature and seems relaxed and at one with the world. He's the kind of bloke that anyone would get along with and trust. Trigger Who, Arnie? Del Yeah, Arnie. D'you know much about him? Trigger No, not a lot. He only moved to the area a few weeks ago. He seems a nice bloke though. He's a retired jewellery dealer, ain't he? Del Yeah, that's what he told me. He's retired early, though, ain't he? Trigger Perhaps he made enough, Del. Why, you lining something up, then? Del I dunno, Trig. It's just that I've been having a few drinks and chats with him over the last couple of weeks and he let slip that even though he retired he still likes to do a bit of private business, all cash and confidentiality, to keep the old tax man off his back. So I thought I might give him a shove, see what I can pick up. Trigger I heard your firm was broke. Del I'm a businessman, Trigger. I've always got a little bit pugged away for emergencies. Anyway, who told you we was broke? Trigger Dave. Del Ah, you don't want to take any notice of him. He's only my financial advisor. What does he know about it? (Referring to his two cards) Cor, look at these cards, Trig. I'm not doing very well. Trigger produces two cards from his top pocket. Trigger D'you want these? Del Trigger! Trigger exits. Del (Cont'd) That's me. Arnie How're you doing? Del Oh, hello, Arnie. Didn't spot you there. Arnie I've only been here about five minutes. Del Oh. Arnie Most of that time spent talking to that doorman. Otto or whatever his name is. Del Yeah? What's up with him then? Arnie Ah, nothing. It's just, y'know, I'm not a member, so I usually drop him a few quid to get in. Tonight the price has suddenly gone up 30 per cent. Still, it's only money, isn't it? Del That's right. Listen; if you get yourself a membership form I'll second you if you like. Arnie Will you really? Del Yeah. Arnie That's very nice of you, Del. Del That's alright. Arnie I'd stick on that if I were you. If you pay nineteens you're laughing. Del No, that's not my style, Arnie, not my style. 'He who dares, wins.' Del places another chip. The croupier deals him another card. Del looks at it then places his cards on table. Del (To Arnie) Fancy a drink? Del and Arnie move towards bar. Holding the door open for guests is Otto. Otto is a big, burly thug type dressed in an evening suit. A couple are entering. The man is in his mid-fifties and looks like a crooked businessman rather than a heavy. The woman is 25 and brassy. Man Evening, Otto. Otto takes their coats. Otto Evening, Mr Grayson. How's business? Man Well, I've just gone into voluntary liquidation again. Otto Oh congratulations, sir. Man Thank you, Otto. The man slips Otto a note. Otto Best of luck tonight, Mr Grayson. He throws their coats on chair. Now Rodney and Cassandra enter. Rodney is wearing his best clothes. Rodney Evening, Otto. Rodney and Cassandra pass Otto, who now reaches out and grabs Rodney by the back of his shirt collar and hauls him back. Cassandra hasn't noticed this and walks on. Rodney Cassandra, I'm just going to have a word with the doorman. Cassandra turns and is horrified to see Rodney's predicament. Rodney eases himself gently free of Otto's grip. Rodney (Cont'd) Is there a problem, Otto? Otto Members only. Rodney I am a member. Otto Where's your membership card? Rodney (Patting his pockets) Er... I appear to have left it at home. Otto If you give me 20 quid, I'll let you in free! Rodney Come on! I am a member, I've been a member for about five years or so. We now se Trigger passing through the foyer. Otto I 'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave, sir. Otto gestures to the outside pavement with a sweep of his hand. Otto (Cont'd) Where would you like to land? Rodney Come on, what's the prob... Trigger Oh it's alright, Otto, he's Del Boy's brother. Otto Is that right? Rodney Yeah, honest. Otto Oh in that case, have a nice evening, sir. Rodney He's a laugh, old Otto! Always larking about. Del and Arnie are seated at bar. Del drinks something exotic while Arnie drinks mineral water. Arnie is just telling Del the punch line to a joke. Arnie So the gravedigger says to the vicar, 'Well, I've got to have somewhere to park me bike!' They both roar with laughter. Del now spots Rodney and Cassandra entering. Del Listen, I'll see you in a minute, Arnie. Del moves to join Rodney and Cassandra taking his drink with him. Rodney Oh Cassandra, this is my brother, Derek, and Del, this is Cassandra. Del Hello, Cassandra, very pleased to ,meet you. Rodney's told me all about you - but don't worry, I'm not the type to shout about it. Cassandra That's very kind of you, Derek. Rodney's told me all about you as well, although I must admit I didn't believe him - until now. Del grins. Del (To Rodney) I like her! Rodney Yeah. Well, shall we sit down, Cass? Del Can I get you a drink, sweet- heart? Cassandra Just a coke and ice, please, I'm driving. Del Right OK. Rodney you? Rodney Non-alcoholic lager top, please. Del I'll bring it to the table. INT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. Arnie and Trigger are talking at a table. Del, Rodney and Cassandra are at another table. Del Alright yeah, yeah. So what line of work you in, Cassandra? Cassandra I work for a bank. Del Oh really? Do they do loans? Rodney Why don't you leave Cassandra alone? Del I'm only being polite. Cassandra They do arrange loans - according to status of course. Rodney Well that leaves you out then, don't it? Cassandra I don't actually work on that side of things. I'm in over- seas investment. Rodney Del does a bit of that. Albanian watches, Turkish raincoats, that sort of thing. Del Would you like me to go and tell Otto what you called him just now? Rodney tells me your dad's in business. Cassandra Yes, he's got his own print- ing workshop. Del Oh yeah? What sort is that, family business, left to him sort of? Cassandra No, there was no silver spoon involved. He used to live on a council estate around this area. Del Oh really? Perhaps I know him. Rodney (Dreading that being true) Oh God! Del What's his name? Cassandra Parry. Alan Parry. Del Parry... Alan Parry. Yes, little fella, one blue eye, one brown, talks with a squint, walks with a stutter. Cassandra That's him! Del and Cassandra laugh. Rodney doesn't want to laugh - he's frightened it might encourage Del - but he forces a polite smile. Del That's him! Listen, I'm gonna leave you two lovebirds. And just remember, Cassandra, Rodney tells me everything! Cassandra Thanks for the warning. Del moves across to Trigger and Arnie. Del Yeah. Rodney I'm sorry about him, Cass. Cassandra Why are you apologizing? I think he's lovely. Rodney What - Del? Cassandra Yes. He makes me laugh! Rodney Well, yeah, I suppose he's alright. At times. We cut away to Del, Trigger and Arnie. Trigger Well, I'd better make a move. Gotta be up early for work in the morning. I'll be glad when I'm retired like you, Arnie. Arnie Yeah, you can't beat it, Trigger. Drag yourself out of bed about 11 o'clock just in time to relax for the rest of the day. Del You retired a bit early though, didn't you, Arnie? I thought you jewellery dealers were making so much bunce you carried on 'til you dropped. Arnie Yeah, that's exactly what happened. Del Eh? Arnie Keeled over on the floor one day. Ticker trouble, stress of business. Doctors gave me six months to live. Del and Trigger look at each other. It's that awful moment we all dread - being confronted by someone else's illness. Neither of them can think of the right thing to say. Del Oh yeah? Well, yeah. Trigger Well, you don't wanna take too much notice of these doctors, Arnie. They'll say anything to get rid of you. Arnie This was private. Del No, you take that Georgie Collis. They only gave him six months to live. He was gutted, weren't he, Trig? Trigger Well, upset. Del Yeah, then they discovered, of course, that they'd only mixed up his records with another bloke's. Trigger (To Del) Yeah, but the other bloke only had three months to live! Del Yeah, I know, I know that Trig, that's not the point, though, is it? I was just trying to say to Arnie that these doctors can make mistakes. Arnie No, you don't understand. The doctors said I didn't have long to go unless I changed my lifestyle. That's exactly what I did... gave up all the boozing and fags. Started doing all the little things I hadn't done for years, like walking, breathing some decent air. Have you any idea of the kind of damage that alcohol and nicotine does to your heart? Del has the straw from his exotic cocktail to his lips. His cigar is in evidence. He reacts to Arnie's last words and places the glass on table and the cigar in the ashtray. Rodney (Calls) Same again, Del? Del No thanks, Bruv, I'll just have a mineral water. Rodney Arnie? Arnie Mineral water for me too, son. Trigger No, nothing for me, Dave. I'm off. (To Del and Arnie) I'll see you around, then. Del and Arnie say their goodbyes and Trigger exits. Del Yeah, see you, Trig. Arnie But the most important thing I ever did, Derek - the one thing that changed my life was getting out of the business. Getting away from all that stress. I mean you might not believe this, I used to be taut! Del Really? What was you learning then? Arnie Tight, nervous tension! Del Oh... taut. Oh you mean... right... oh yes. Arnie Got away from all that now. Got me little house, got me wife Pat, lovely caring woman, got me boys, Gary and young Steven. Croupier Thirty-three black. Arnie What more could a man ask for? (Now sending him- self up, sings) 'And I think to myself, what a wonderful world.' They both laugh at this. Del kills the laugh half way through. Rodney delivers drinks. Del Cheers, bruv. But you still do a bit, though, don't you? Arnie Well, occasionally - with the right sort of person. Well, basically I'm just getting rid of stuff I've been left with. Del Oh right, well you don't forget you know, I am a trader. Arnie Interested in jewellery, are you? Del I'm interested in anything, Arnie. So long as it's not cursed. Arnie And you don't mind if it's arrived on the market via an unorthodox route? Del No of course not. I do under- stand that some things have a tendency to, you know, float out of factory windows. I mean, that's just mother nature innit eh? Arnie Are you in a hurry? Del No, got all the time in the world, Arnie. Arnie You meet me in the back of the car park in an hour's time. Del Yeah, cushty! Arnie Won't be long. Del is delighted with this turn of events - he rubs his hands together. Del Lovely Jubbly! EXT. THE ONE ELEVEN CLUB CAR PARK. NIGHT. FILM. We have a car park. In between the Mercedes and Porches stands the three-wheeled van. Del is standing outside smoking a cigar and checking his watch as he waits for Arnie to return. Now Rodney and Cassandra exit. Cassandra Well, good night, Del. Lovely meeting you. Del And you too, sweetheart. And don't forget, I won't say a word. Cassandra Thank you. Rodney I'll see you in a little while. Rodney and Cassandra walk across to her BMW. She opens the door and climbs into the driver's seat. Rodney is about to climb into the passenger seat. Del (Calls) Oi, Rodney, where do you think you're going? Rodney (Calls) Cassandra's giving me a lift home. Del (Calls to Cassandra) Ah, it's alright. Don't bother yourself, sweetheart. We've got the van here. Rodney (Reacts) I don't believe him! (To Cassandra through open door) Excuse me one moment, while I go and kill him. Rodney storms back to Del. Rodney What d'you think you're play- ing at, Derek? Del I told you I've got a deal going down here in a little while. Rodney Yeah, and I told you I don't want nothing to do with it. Del I know you did, but I gotta meet that Arnie over the back of the car park there, where it's nice and dark! Now I have only just recently met the geezer so I don't know what I'll be walking into, so I would appreciate a bit of back- up, alright? Rodney Yeah, but I wanted to say good night to Cassandra. Del Go on, then say good night, and get back here a bit lively! Rodney (Frustrated) No, I meant... Oh bloody 'ell! Oh give me a minute. Rodney walks back to the BMW and climbs into the passenger seat. Cassandra What's happening? Rodney I'm gonna drive Del home. He's drunk. Cassandra Drunk? He doesn't look drunk. Rodney No, I know. It's a bad sign for him. He hides it well, you see. But I tell you, you could push him over with one little finger he'd fall flat on his face. I've lived with his problem since I was a little kid. Cassandra How sad. Rodney Yeah, I know, it's tragic. (Now bright and breezy) Still, never mind, eh? Rodney leans across and they kiss a long passionate kiss. Del (Mumbles to himself) Blimey, let the poor girl up for air, Rodney. The kiss continues. Now Cassandra's eyes open wide. Cassandra Hands Rodney! Rodney Sorry.. D'you fancy coming out for a meal on Thursday? Cassandra I thought I'd told you I'm on a week's training course. Rodney Yeah, but you must be able to get a few hours off. Cassandra Well, yes, if you fancy fly- ing off to Guernsey. I'd love to have dinner with you. Rodney Guernsey? You gotta go all the way over to Guernsey? Cassandra Yes. I did ask Guernsey if it would like to come to me, but it refused point-blank! Rodney Why do you have to go to Guernsey? Cassandra Because - God! Watch my lips closely. Because that is where the training course is being held! Have you got some problem with this? Rodney No, it's just that it's Guernsey. Cassandra Is there something I should know Rodney? Did you and Guernsey have some kind of relationship once? Rodney I've heard about these company training courses. They're just an excuse for loads of people to hold an orgy. Cassandra Really? Rodney Please be serious for one moment, Cassandra. Cassandra Look, Rodney, if what you've heard is true and all these perfectly staid and boring people suddenly hurl them- selves into a pit of carnal abandon, it doesn't mean I have to join in, does it? Rodney No, I suppose not. Cassandra There's no 'suppose' about it. Rodney No, I'm sorry. You're right. Cassandra 'Course I'm right. I mean, I'll take my whip, just in case! They smile at each other. They are looking into each other's eyes. Rodney I'll phone you. Cassandra I'll phone you as well. Rodney Better make sure we don't phone at the same time, otherwise we'll both be engaged. Rodney searches for courage to say his next line. Rodney (Cont'd) I love you. Cassandra Do you? Rodney just nods. We see a trace of smoke drift across his face. Cassandra And I... She coughs. Rodney now coughs. Del is leaning on the car, his elbow on roof. The smoke is coming from his cigar which is close to the slightly open window. Del Come on, Rodney, he's here. Rodney sighs, annoyed and frustrated at his brother's intervention. Rodney Don't have a nice time, will you? Cassandra I'll try not to. They kiss quickly and Rodney alights. Cassandra starts the engine and with a toot of the horn drives off into the night. Del and Rodney walk together towards the Jaguar. Del What were you doing with that girl? Rodney I was saying good night. Del Saying good night! She had her head in your mouth at one point! Rodney You mean you was watching? Del I couldn't help myself. Last time I saw anything like that it was at the circus. Rodney goes to reply but starts coughing again. Del What's up? Rodney I've got a tickle in me throat. Del You've most probably got her wig stuck in it! They now hear the car, a late model Jaguar XJ6 and Arnie is in the driver's seat. He presses the electric window down. Del Alright? Arnie Hop in the back. Del Go on Rodney, get in the back. Rodney climbs into the back, followed by Del. Arnie Sorry I'm a bit late. Del That's alright, Arnie. No problem. On the passenger seat next to Arnie we see an executive style briefcase. Arnie hands it into the back to Del. Arnie Open that. Del opens the case. Inside we see a large piece of folded felt. Del unfolds it to reveal 250 gold chains. Del Jeez! Rodney What'd you do, mug Mr T? Arnie There's 250 chains there. Eighteen carat gold. Now if it was to go to some poncy Bond Street shop - you know the sort, with plenty of mark up - they'd want 200 quid each for those. That's fifty thousand pound sitting there. Del Fifty grand! Here, wait a minute. This ain't the result of some raid, is it? Arnie No, no. Nothing like that. No, no. Look, six months ago a client of mine asked me if I could get hold of these sort of things for him for the right price. Do you know Maxi Stavros? Del No, I don't. Arnie Oh you're lucky. Well, he's a nice enough guy, 'til it comes to money - then he gets nasty. Anyway, we agreed on a price and he was gonna pay me 25 grand. Del Bloody hell! Arnie He's got all these contacts in the States, you see; this sort of thing sells very well over there. It's the English hallmarks, the Yanks love all that. Anyway, I acquired the goods and I haven't heard from him since. Rodney You could sue for breach of contract. Del Listen to it, will you? Arnie No, son, there's no contract between friends. It's a man's word, handshake, a gentleman's agreement. Anyway, Mr Stavros is not the sort of man you'd want to sue. No, he's never let me down before so I suppose he's got troubles. But then, so have I. I can't wait any longer. I'm gonna have to let these go at half the wholesale price. That's 50 quid each. Del So, what's the catch? I mean, you mentioned an unorthodox route. Arnie I didn't pay the VAT. I assumed that they were for retail outside the European Union and therefore would not be liable for VAT. Now I'm lumbered with 'em. So what d'you reckon? You still interested? Del Well, yeah, yeah, I'm inter- ested, yeah. Well, yeah, I'll take two. Arnie Two? Del Oh alright, three. Arnie No, I'm not running a corner shop, Del. I'm a dealer. I buy and sell jewellery in bulk. The whole lot or none at all. Del realising that this is big time is embarrassed by his own small thinking. Del Yeah, no, no, no, I know that, no, it's just that I meant I'll take two or three as samples to show my clients, you know? Arnie Yeah, twelve and a half grand in cash and they're all yours. Del Yeah, well, I don't think I've got that sort of money on me at the moment, Arnie. Arnie I can wait. Look, you sell those round the pubs and clubs, the worst you do is double your money. Del I'll take 'em. Rodney (Horrified) Twelve and an 'arf thousand p... Rodney reacts as he feels a sharp kick in the shin. Del Subject to a surveyor's report, of course. Arnie Oh, of course. Del OK, then listen. D'you know the Nag's Head in Peckham? Arnie I'll find it. Del Right, well, I'll see you there tomorrow at one o' clock. Del hands back the briefcase and chains. Arnie OK. Del Take care of 'em won't you? Del and Rodney alight from car, Rodney now has a slight limp. Arnie pulls away. Rodney You kicked me! Del Yes, that's because you've got a big mouth, Rodney. You nearly gave Arnie the impression that we were small time. If I can just pull this off, Rodney, I will double my investment. Rodney Del, where you gonna get twelve and 'arf thousand pound? Del Well, there's Boycie, he's got a load of money, likes a gamble. Mike down the Nag's Head, he knows a bargain when he sees one. I'll put together a little consortium! Rodney What, you mean just hand the whole deal over to them? Del No, no, no. I've got some money to put in. Rodney No, Del. Don't you remember what I told you the other day? Our partnership is virtually broke. Del No, Rodney, our partnership is potless. What I mean is I've got some money to put in. Rodney You... How much? Del (Sheepishly) Oh, it's only about four grand Rodders, that's all. Rodney Four thousand pounds? Del It's my nest egg. Rodney That's more like a bleedin' ostrich egg! Where did you get that from? Del It's just been money I've been saving up over the years. Little bit here, little bit there, y'know. It soon builds up. Rodney You conning git! Rodney walks away. Del follows. Del Eh? No, no, you could have done the same thing. Rodney Don't talk to me. Del No, you could have done. No, you could. Mum said to me on her deathbed, she said, 'Del Boy...' Rodney Shut up! Del No, she did. She said, "You make sure that Rodney puts a shilling a week away and he'll never go wrong." But you wouldn't have none of it. Rodney Not listening! INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO. Albert is seated at the table counting some money (a few fivers, tenners and coins). Rodney, wearing his camouflage jacket, enters from hall. He is in a rather melancholy mood after seeing Cassandra off. Albert You're back early. I thought you'd still be at the airport. Rodney No, her plane got off on time. Where's Del? Albert Well, him and Arnie and the rest of the consortium have gone down the jeweler’s to have them chains examined. Rodney The rest of the consortium! How many's in it? Albert Well, there's Del, there's Trigger, there's... there's Mike, there's that feller Boycie and - there's me. Of course, there could be more by now. Rodney What's he playing at? He's gone a bit public, ain't he? Albert He's got to raise the money somehow. A chance to double your money doesn't come round too often. I've just been down the post office and got my savings out. Pity you weren't interested, Rodney. You could have made yourself a nice few bob. Rodney Well, yeah, I suppose I could have, but the thing, is, you see, them chains are part of a VAT rip-off, ain't they? Albert I know, that's why they're so cheap! Do you want a cuppa tea, son? Rodney No, I don't want nothing. Albert What's wrong? Rodney Nothing. Everything's fine. Albert Look, you got her hotel number, give her a call. Rodney No way! She was supposed to call me at 12.30 and look, 12.37. No, she's probably having a drink and a laugh with all them yuppy sorts from the bank. Albert She might be in bed, Rodney. Rodney Eh? Albert I mean, sleeping off the jet lag. Rodney Jet lag? She's only gone to Guernsey! Del enters. He is wearing his best-of-business clothes. Albert So what the jeweler say? Del They're pucca, Unc. They are the real McCoy! Solid gold, 18-carat. Top-class workman- ship, just like Arnie said. Oh, we'll double our money on these, have no fear. Very shrewd move of yours, Rodney, you know, not to get involved in this deal. Rodney Shut up! Boycie enters. He is dressed in a particularly lairy way. He wears a three-piece cream suit, a brown shirt with some kind of pattern with a multi-coloured tie. He has a pair of sunglasses either hanging from his breast pocket or stuck on top of his head. Boycie is followed by Arnie who has the briefcase chained to his wrist and Mike and Trigger. Del Alright gentlemen? Would you like a celebration drink? Boycie I think we should discuss the matter in private before we celebrate. I don't like being premature. Trigger No, Marlene said something about that the other day. Boycie reacts. Del I hope you don't mind, Arnie, but I and the consortium would like to have a little board meeting. Arnie No, no, of course not. Rodney Well, perhaps you'd like to wait in reception. Del glares at Rodney's sarcasm. Del Help yourself to some tea. There's plenty of egg mayonnaise and tomatoes in the fridge. Arnie No, that's OK, thanks very much. Arnie moves towards the kitchen with the briefcase. Boycie I think I would prefer it if the gold stayed in the room with us! Del I don't believe him! I'm sorry about this Arnie. Arnie I'm not blaming you, Derek. I'd like to keep an eye on it as well, Mr Boyce. Arnie takes a key from his pocket and unlocks the wrist- cuff. He places the briefcase on the floor and leaning against the door jamb so that half the case is in kitchen and the other half in lounge. Arnie (Cont'd) So if I leave it here, then we can both see it. Alright? Boycie Perfect. Arnie Thank you. Arnie exits to kitchen. Del (To Boycie) What is the matter with you? You're giving Arnie the impression you don't trust him! Boycie And he wouldn't be far wrong, would he? I don't even know the man. Trigger He seems a decent enough fella to me, Boycie. Del That's right, that's right! He's a solid bloke, right, I can vouch for him. Mike Well he's played it straight down the line with us. He said those chains were worth 25k and we've just had it confirmed by an independent jeweler. So what more d'you want? Boycie I want to know how he can afford to sell 'em at 50 per cent less than their whole- sale price. Mike 'Cos he bought 'em a long time ago when the price of gold was down. Del Plus he didn't bother to tell those very nice people down at the VAT office. Boycie Alright, here's my seven grand. Boycie lays a wad of 50 pound notes onto the table. Del lays a bundle on top. Del There's my four. Come on, then, Michael, let's see you. Mike A thousand. Mike lays his notes on top of the pile. Del That's it! Good, come on. Trigger I've bin a bit strapped recently, Del. I could only get two hundred and seventy -four pound fifty. My aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace for that. Del Yes, alright, Trig, don't worry, don't worry, mate. We'll double your money for you. Come on, Albert, d'you go down the post office? Albert I didn't get as much as I thought, son. I only got a hundred and eighty-nine pound and 26 new pee. Del Oh I thought you said that you had over 200-odd quid. Albert I know. I miscalculated the interest. Boycie has been working the figures out on a calculator. Boycie That means that we are thirty six pounds and twenty-four pence short of the target. Rodney approaches with the confident tone of the great decision-maker. Rodney Not any more you're not! You can count me in! Rodney places some notes and some coins onto the table. Del Oh! Thank God for the Great Gatsby here! Oh Arnie, Arnie, come on, the board meeting's over. Arnie And have you reached an executive decision? Del Yes, yes, we have, the deal is on! Arnie What a relief! Couldn't stand any more of that tea! Del Yes. Arnie picks up the briefcase, places it on the table and opens it. Arnie This, gentlemen, is yours! Del And here is the old doh ray me. Arnie picks up the various bundles of notes. He scrapes the coins into his hands. Arnie Oh look at that, isn't that sweet? It reminds me of holidays in County Donegal. Del Oh, is that a paddy tenpence piece? Oh, I'll change that for you. Arnie Oh don't worry. I won't bother counting. I trust you. Del That's right, good. Well, we've all got to learn to trust each other, Arnie. Don't worry about Boycie. He's just got his funny little ways. You ask his missus! Arnie Oh that reminds me. Do you mind if I phone the wife? Del Yeah, sure, no problem, no problem. Here, I'll get the phone for you. 'Ere, what about that drink, then, chaps? Celebration drink, eh? You're staying aren't you, Arnie? Arnie Yeah, a quick one, Del. Mineral water - something like that. Del Leave it to me. Rodney, there's some beers in the fridge. Rodney exits to kitchen. Boycie Well, seeing as how it's a special occasion I think I'll have a drop of that port. Mike Yeah, same here, Del. Trigger I'll wait for Dave to come back with the beers. Del hands a drink to Boycie, then one to Mike. Rodney enters with some cans of beer. Arnie Pat? Yeah, it's me, love... yeah. No, I don't know what time I'll be back. Soon as I can drag myself away from this bunch of toerags. It's now all light and jovial - the chaps, now including Arnie, having a drink and a laugh. Del Don't wait up for him, Pat, he's probably on a ghoster. Arnie (Laughing, hand over mouthpiece) Shut up! She'll think I'm back on the booze. So how's things at home love? Arnie reacts. It's as if the blood has drained from his body. Arnie (Cont'd) What? When?... The laughter slowly stops. Arnie (Cont'd) You mean he's here in London? No, I can't meet him, no! No, love, I haven't got them any more! Pat, I would not joke about a thing as serious as this. I've just this minute sold them to Del and his consortium. But I don't care how much money he's got... No, I am not getting excited! Alright, look, I will meet him... And I will explain the situation, alright? Alright, I'll talk to you soon love. Trigger Everything alright, Arnie? Arnie You know that client of mine I told you about? Del Yeah, what, that Mr Stavros or whatever? Arnie Yeah. He's in London, he's just phoned my house. He wants to meet me for lunch. Rodney You mean he's come to pick up the chains? Arnie Yes. Ironic innit? He's got 25 grand in cash to give me and I've just let 'em go for 12 and a half! Boycie What's all this about, then? Del Well, about six months ago Arnie made a deal on these chains with some international jeweler mush. Mike So they weren't yours to sell in the first place? Arnie No, no, they belonged to me. No, Mr Stavros never actually gave me any money for them, so in the eyes of the law they were still legally mine. But he's an odd sort of person. Once you've shaken hands on the deal, as far as he's concerned they're his property, and now he's come to collect. Rodney And he is given to bouts of mindless violence, ain't he? Arnie Very, very nasty. Boycie Let him. If he wants a war, we'll give him one! Won't we? Rodney Eh? Albert I don't like the sound of that! Mike Oh don't worry, Albert, there won't be many naval engagements in this one. Rodney Well, look. Why don't we sell the chains back to Arnie - with a small profit, of course. Boycie Are you off your trolley? Trigger We'll still be making a bit each, Boycie. Boycie We can double our money on these things! Rodney Yeah, but Stavros is gonna give Arnie a bad time, ain't he? Boycie I don't care if he redecor- ates Regent Street with Arnie! This is business! No, I have every sympathy for Arnie's predicament, but at the end of the day it's a bit like Mike's pub grub - tough! Del I don't believe you sometimes. I just don't believe you. You call yourself a businessman? You're missing the most important point of the whole situation! A man has arrived in London to buy 250 18-carat gold chains from Arnie here. He is willing to pay twenty five thousand pounds, with cash on the hip. Poor old Arnie doesn't have them any more - we have! Now a smile begins cracking across Boycie's face, followed by Mike and Rodney and then Albert. They all see the plan except for one. Trigger So what you saying, Del? Del Blimey! Give me a piece of chalk, somebody, will ya? What I'm trying to say is: why don't we ask Arnie to keep his lunch appointment with this man, and sell them chains for us? For which we will give Arnie a couple of grand for his trouble? Rodney That way Stavros gets the goods at the agreed price. Del Arnie gets a deuce in bunce, plus he keeps his kneecaps where nature intended. Mike And our consortium gets ten and an 'arf grand profit for doing sod all! Del Everyone's a winner! Apres moi, le deluge. Trigger I like the sound of that, Del Boy. Arnie That is brilliant, Derek, brilliant. Thank you! Boycie (Grudgingly) Yeah, it's not a bad idea, Del. Del (Closing lid on the briefcase) So, where is this, where is this restaurant of yours? Arnie It's an Italian place off the King's Road. I'd better get my skates on. Boycie I think it would be a good idea if we came with you, don't you, Arnie? Del Yeah, he's right. I mean, you don't wanna go walking across the estate with a case full of gold, do you? Not on your own, anyway. Arnie Fair enough. Well, let's get going. We haven't got long. Boycie (To Trigger) 'Ere, Trig, don't let him out of your sight. Boycie, Mike and Trigger exit. Del Go on, go on. Oi, come on, Albert, get that down ya and get in the van. Del and Albert exit to hall. Rodney holds back and looks appealingly at the telephone. Rodney (Quietly to himself) Oh come on, Cassandra, ring! Well, I ain't phoning you, if that's what you think. I'm a man. INT/EXT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM. This is an up-market Chelsea restaurant. It is lunchtime and therefore quite crowded with smartly dressed couples, businessmen, etc. Arnie enters with the brief- case containing the gold chained to his wrist. The head waiter, Mario, approaches. Mario May I help you, sir? Arnie I'm expecting to meet Mr Stavros here. I wonder if he's booked a table? Mario (Checking the reservation book) Mr Stavros. At this point we see Del and Boycie enter. Mario (Cont'd) Yes, he has booked a table. I'm afraid the gentleman hasn't arrived yet. Would you care to wait at the table? Arnie Yes. Mario, in Italian, tells another waiter to take Arnie to his table. Mario Portare il signore. A look is shared between Arnie and Del and Boycie. Arnie follows the waiter towards the table. Mario (Cont'd) Yes, gentlemen? Del A table for two, please. Mario Have you booked? Boycie No, we haven't. Mario I'm afraid we are very crowd- ed at the moment. Del This might make a bit of room. Del pushes a few notes in the waiter's top pocket. Mario Of course, grazie! Enrico... In Italian, Mario tells another waiter to show Del and Boycie to a table. Arnie is arriving at his window table. At this point he is standing. He now sits out of frame and we see that he was masking the three- wheeled van which is parked opposite and to the right. We pan to the left to see Mike and Trigger sitting in Mike's car. We now see Del and Boycie at their table and both facing in Arnie's direction. Del (Quietly to Boycie) Why didn't you sit that side? Boycie 'Cos I wouldn't be able to see Arnie then. Why, what's the matter? Del It's just we're both sitting on the same side. Sort of next to each other... Boycie So? Del So it might look a bit funny. Boycie What d'you mean? Del People might think that we're a bit funny. Boycie Why don't you go and sit on the other side then? Del 'Cos I wanna keep me eye on Arnie, don't I? Boycie So do I! Del Yes, I now. But it's my consortium! Boycie I put most of the money in! Del But it was my idea! They now realise that because of the secret whisper- ing, they have actually managed to draw attention to themselves. Boycie gestures towards entrance door, where a burly Greek-looking man of about 50 enters. Behind him is a younger and bigger Greek-looking man (as if he's a minder). Del reacts to the size of them. Mario now leads the men towards Arnie's window table. As they approach Arnie looks up from his menu, but at the last second Mario directs them to the seat next to Arnie where two business-type men are seated. Del now becomes aware that Boycie has his hand on Del's hand. Mario Nice to see you again, sir. Del Get your hand off mine! Boycie Eh? Del I said, 'Get your hand off mine!' They'll think we're a couple of woofters or something! Boycie They can think what they like! I've got seven grand sitting up there and that's all I'm concerned with! Del But we mustn't draw attention to ourselves! We've got to appear to be perfectly pukka people, right? So don't do anything that'll make us look different. Boycie Alright. Mario Would you care to order now gentlemen? Del and Boycie I'm not hungry. We cut to Mike and Trigger seated in the escort. Trigger Do you reckon it'll turn violent in there? Mike I don't care if it does! Trigger No? Mike No, this is a fast car. Albert What's he doing, Rodney? Rodney What do you mean, what's he doing? You can see what he's doing! He's sitting in the window there reading a menu! Albert It's a bit suspicious, innit? Rodney What? A bloke sitting in a restaurant reading a menu - yeah, very iffy! Albert I mean the other mush not turning up yet. Rodney He's most probably got held up somewhere. Albert Yeah? Where? Rodney How the hell should I know where? Look, shuddup will you? Hold on, he's moving. Arnie is beckoning to the waiter. Arnie Could you get me a glass of water, please. I feel rather hot. Waiter Yes, sir. Arnie begins breathing more heavily - as if fighting for breath. He becomes consumed with panic. He holds his chest and sways unsteadily on his chair. Mario arrives. Mario Would you care to order now, sir? Arnie Yes, I'd like an ambulance. Mario An ambulance, sir? Arnie Yes, I'm not very well, An ambulance, quickly. Mario Yes, sir! (Calling to Waiter in Italian) Telefono per una ambulanza, presto! Are you alright, sir? Del and Boycie are frozen to their seats as they look on helplessly. Arnie now stands uneasily and he collapses slowly to the floor. Boycie What's happened? Del It's Arnie! He's had a connery! Boycie So, what are we gonna do? Del I don't know! I think you are supposed to sort of pump their chests. Boycie I'm talking about our bloody money and chains! Del Well, there's nothing we can do at the moment, is there? Boycie My money and my gold ain't going to no national health hospital! The entire kitchen staff'll be off to Miami if it does! Del What you gonna do? Boycie Watch! (Moving towards the crowd) Don't panic! I am a doctor. Boycie is the most unlikely looking doctor imaginable, with his wide-awake suit, multi-coloured tie and sunglasses hanging from his breast pocket. Boycie begins pushing himself through the crowd. Boycie Stand aside, stand aside. Let the dog see the rabbit. Oh yes, very nasty. He needs an operation! Boycie now fiddles with handcuff device but cannot re- lease it. He starts searching Arnie's pockets. Woman He's not a doctor! He's mug- ging the poor man! Boycie No, madam, I am trying to relieve the pressure on the wrist. The younger-looking and larger of the two Greek-looking men steps forward, draws his fist back, he punches Boycie who crashes backwards and knocks a table flying. Boycie, with a small smear of blood on his nose, starts to pull himself up from the floor, but as he attempts to stand, the woman in the crowd steps forward and raises her handbag. She brings the handbag crashing down on Boycie's head. He falls back on the floor. Mike and Trigger look at each other incredulously. Woman Call the police! Mario Yes, madam, of course. Del (To himself) Oh no, not the police. Alright, there'll be no need. I am an officer of the law! Del strides through the crowd. Woman (To young Greek) I thought they were taller than that. Del I'm a small town policeman. Del now drags Boycie up and puts an arm lock around him. He forces Boycie's face against the window. Albert (To Rodney) Do you get the impression all is not going according to plan? Boycie What are you playing at? Del Just keep it shut and we might get out of here with our collars intact. (To Boycie) OK, sunshine, you are nicked! Come on, out you go! (To woman in restaurant) Rest assured, madam, when we get him down the police station we'll give him a bloody good hiding. Alright you, out! EXT. STREET OUTSIDE RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM. Del and Boycie exit as the ambulance screeches to a halt outside the restaurant. They now run across to the van where Mike and Trigger are now standing. Mike What happened? Del Arnie's had a connery. Albert You mean he's dead? Del No, no, he's still alive. The ambulance got here just in time. Trigger So where's the money and the gold? Boycie Where do you think it is? It's in Arnie's holdall! Why did you make us leave the restaurant? Del Because they've just called the Old Bill. Arnie's got seven and 'arf grand of your unlaundered money. Plus a case full of gold from a VAT fraud! Do you want to tell the police that it's really yours? Boycie Why didn't you try and get the case off his wrist? Del God bless me gently! You tried that - didn't you? - and you got a punch in the nose and a whack over your head for your trouble. What do you think I am, a wally or something? Rodney Sow how we gonna get it back? Del It's alright. We'll go to the hospital. All we gotta do is find out what time the visiting hours are. It'll be cushty! We now see the ambulancemen carrying Arnie out on a stretcher. He is covered with a blanket and is unconscious. The briefcase is still chained to his wrist and is placed on top of his body. They carry him to the back of the ambulance. One of the ambulancemen stays in the back, the other closes the doors and rushes to the cab. Rodney We don't know which hospital they're taking him to. Del We'll follow 'em. Mike, your car's pretty nippy. You do the following. Mike Right, mate. We see a council truck and a couple of workers putting clamps over the wheels of Mike's car. Mike I don't believe it, I've just been clamped! Del Rodney, follow that ambulance! Rodney climbs into driver's seat and starts the engine. Del indicates the back door to the others. They move to back. Del reaches out to handle of back door only to find it racing away from him in a cloud of exhaust fumes. The van races away in pursuit, leaving the rest of the consortium standing on the pavement. Del What a plonker! INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO. Boycie is dabbling his injured nose with a damp cloth. At this point his nose should have turned to a sore red colour. Del paces the room puffing on a cigar. Mike and Trigger are seated and worrying. Mike Right, I'm gonna make a couple of phone calls, Del. Del Leave that phone alone, Michael. No one touches it. Mike I've just been clamped! I've got get the authorities, sort it all out. Del Look, I'm expecting a very important phone call any minute now from Rodney or Arnie at the hospital. You just sort your car out tomorrow. Boycie What's good for a broke nose? Trigger A baseball bat, knuckleduster. Boycie I mean, my nose might be broken! Del Will you shut up going on about your hooter? Or I'll ram this up for a splint! Del brandishes a metal pin at Boycie. Rodney enters. Del (Cont'd) Alright Rodders? What's happened? Rodney We followed the ambulance down to St Stephen's Hospital. Del St Stephen's Hospital. Right, now we know where to visit. Albert No, that's where we lost 'em! Boycie You lost 'em? Rodney Yep, they just went straight down the Fulham Road. Del Oh Gordon Blue! I mean, how could you possibly lose an ambulance! It's a ruddy great big white thing with a flashing blue light on the top! And in case your peepers ain't too clever, it's fitted with an air-raid siren! Rodney It can also go straight through red lights! Albert He tried his best Del, but by the time the lights had changed, the ambulance was miles away. Boycie So what we going to do now eh? All our money and our gold is lying in some matron's office. Del It's alright, Boycie, don't worry. Listen, we'll...we'll phone every hospital and ask if he's there. Mike No, no, no. Hospitals won't give you that sort of information over the phone. Del Alright. Well, we'll drive round them all, then! Trigger Well, that's gonna take for- ever. There must be 25 hospitals in London. Rodney Oh thank Gawd for the Tory Party, otherwise there could have been 30! The phone begins ringing. Del Albert, answer that! If that is Rodney's girlfriend, tell her to phone back later! Albert answers the phone. Del (Cont'd) Look, it doesn't matter how long it takes as long as we find him, does it? We can share the hospitals out. I mean, we've all got cars. Mike I ain't, mine's been clamped! Del Shuddup whinging, Mike. Albert Del, it's some Indian doctor from Arnie's ward! Del Well, tell him I haven't got time to talk to him now, I'm trying to find out... Boycie Get on that phone! Mike Don't let him ring off! Del Ssshhh!! Hel... hello doctor. Yes, this is he. Arnie... yes, Arnold! Yes... Oh yes, I knew the deceased very well... we... deceased? Do you mean to say that he is dead? Rodney Oh I love him! I just love him! Del Yes, it has, it's come as a very nasty shock. Yes of course I'll do anything I can to help his widow... Well yes, she's bound to be a bit distraught. (To the others) Arnies' passed on. Boycie What about our loot? Del Doctor, I was just wondering. Arnie had about his person a couple of little keepsakes of mine. I wondered if you had found them...It's 250 18-carat gold chains and twelve thousand five hundred pounds in used notes. His widow has taken all his belongings? Yes, do you happen to know where she lives? Yes, I am a friend of the family but they moved recently, you see... But in case his widow don't get in touch with me about funeral arrangements. I know you're not supposed to give out addresses to any Tom, Dick or Harry but this is different... Doctor, look, I'll give you a good drink! No... Hang on! He's rung off! Boycie Did he give you her address? Del He couldn't tell me, it's confidential! Boycie How are we going to find her, then? Del I don't know yet! Rodney I... I could go down to the town hall and find his name on the electoral list. Del Well done, Rodders, that's good thinking. Trigger No! He only moved here recently from Lambeth. He wouldn't be on the list yet. Del You dipstick! Rodney Well, alright, I'll go down to Lambeth Town Hall, then. Del Well done Rodney! Go on, go to Lambeth. Rodney Right. Arnold what? Del Eh? Rodney What's his surname? Del Dunno. I never caught his surname! Well, does it matter? Rodney Well, of course it matters! They're not gonna be down on the electoral list as 'Arnie and Pat' are they? Boycie This is something else! Mike What about the One Eleven Club! They'll have his full name and address on his membership form! Rodney Yes, yes. Del No, no. He wasn't a member. He used to drop the doorman a few quid to get in. Boycie We could go to the coroner's office and check the list of recent post mortems. Trigger They wouldn't do a post mortem on someone with a history of heart trouble. Mike He had a history of ticker trouble? Del They said he'd be alright if he stuck to the right diet. Rodney And to be fair, he didn't have nothing to eat in the restaurant! Boycie God in heaven, what has he done to us? He's pulled us into a twelve and a half thousand pound deal with a geezer who's been shown the yellow card! Del We'll be alright if we can trace his widow. Albert I've got an idea. They all stop and look at Albert before continuing with their argument. Albert The phone! Rodney Oh God! He's hearing things now! Albert Arnie was the last one to dial out on this phone! He called his wife. At their house, remember? Boycie So what? Albert This phone's gotta redial button. If you press that you'll get straight through to Arnie's house. Del just looks at Albert. And then takes his head and kisses him on the forehead before pressing the button. Del (Listening) Right, right. Mike How we gonna explain it to her eh? It looks a bit bad turning up just before the funeral laying claim to most of his estate! Boycie No, it's alright. Arnie told her that he'd sold the chains to Del. So they'll be no problem! Del Ssshhh! Wait a minute! Sshh! Hello? Hello, hello? I'm awfully sorry to bother you in your hour of darkness, but I was a friend of Arnie's and I was just wondering... sorry? Oh, oh sorry, sorry. Beg your pardon. Sorry to have bothered you. Bye! Strange, innit? I've just got through to the Highcliffe ruddy Hotel, Guernsey! Rodney Aaargh! Sorry, Del Boy. Look, I only called to see whether Cassandra got there safely. (Pointing to Albert) He told me to do it. Boycie And that's it, innit? We've done our money and it's vanished into thin air! Del Boycie! Boycie I am going to see if I can buy myself a little doll that looks something like you. And then I'm going to burn it! Del Chin up! Boycie! We'll find a way. Mike I am going to get my car un- clamped, Del. Thanks for everything. Del You're giving in Michael. You mustn't give in. Remember what Churchill said, you know, he said up the Alamo! I'm sorry, Trig, that your aunt Reen had to pawn her necklace. Shall I give her a ring and explain? Trigger Oh no, don't do that, Del. She doesn't know she's pawned it yet! Del So how's the weather in Guernsey? Rodney (Cheerfully) Oh, she said it was... It's pissing down Del. EXT. GATWICK AIRPORT/INT. VAN. DAY. FILM. We see the Trotters' van with Rodney driving and Cassandra in passenger seat driving away from airport. Rodney So how was it? Cassandra The hotel was horrible, the weather was lousy, the food was rotten and the people were boring. Rodney Oh good. Cassandra And you were right. Some of them did hold an orgy. Rodney You're kidding? Cassandra No, honestly. I stayed for about an hour and then I got fed up. She laughs then leans across and kisses his neck. Rodney No, no Cassandra, not while I'm driving. BUSY LONDON STREETS. INT. VAN. DAY. FILM. Cassandra How was your week? Rodney Okay, a business contact dropped dead, another one was beaten up in a restaurant and then we were on the brink of making a fortune and ended up losing everything. Average sort of week really. Cassandra Well, as long as you kept yourself busy, that's the main thing. Oh God, I hate this sort of thing... The car in front has pulled up because an ambulance is parked outside a classy Chinese restaurant and is blocking the way. The same two ambulancemen as before exit from restaurant with Arnie on stretcher. He has the blanket over him and the briefcase chained to his waist. Cassandra What's the matter, Rodney? You look like you've seen a ghost. INT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. We see Del and Trigger seated at table and in deep conversation. Del explaining. Del He done us in South-East London. Rodney saw him in South-West London. He's doing it all over town! Trigger Yeah... You'd think he'd be taking things easy in his condition, wouldn't you? Del No, Trig... God help us! There's nothing wrong with him. I mean, he's not a sick man, is he? I mean, he's a conman! Trigger So you don't reckon he's really ill? Del That is what I suspect. Trigger But that night in the club he looked a bit sick. Del Yeah, but he was talking to you, weren't he? We see Denzil has entered. He is wearing his lorry- driver's clothes. Denzil Alright, fellas? Del Oh hiya, Denzil. Denzil Can I get you a drink? Trigger Er, no, I'm alright. Del Yeah, same here. Denzil Can I get you one? Can I join you? Del No, it's a bit awkward at the moment, Denzil, you know. We are in conference. Denzil What? Del We're in conference. Trigger I thought we was having a chat. Del This is a conference. Denzil Listen, Del, I haven't got long. I've got the truck outside. I'm off to Germany tonight. I've got a consignment to bring back. Del Oh well, that's alright, then, Denzil. Go on, have a nice trip. Denzil Are you ill or something? I've just said I'm going to Germany and I will be bringing a load back and you haven't even asked what it is! Del Yes, I know, Denzil. But I'm a bit busy at the moment, y'know. I'll talk to you later. Denzil Oh well, see you do. I might have a deal for you. Del Yeah, alright, mate. See you in a minute. Denzil Boycie, eh? Got time for a chat? Boycie Some other time, Denzil. Some other time. Denzil shrugs and moves to bar. As he does so Mike appears. Denzil Wotcha Mike... Mike See the barmaid, Denzil. I'm busy. Denzil Rodney, how you doing? Rodney Yeah, bit tied up at the moment, Denzil. I'll talk to you later, alright? Denzil reacts. He smells his armpits. Denzil Rodney, why are people ignor- ing me? What have I done to them? Rodney Nothing, nothing. It's just there's a bit of heavy stuff going down at the moment. D'you know what I mean? Oh by the way, Denzil, this is Cassandra, my... Cassandra Choose your words carefully, Rodney. Rodney My friend. And Cassandra, this is Denzil. Cassandra Nice to meet you. Denzil You too. Rodney Right. Well, I'll leave you two to have a little chat, then. See you later. We cut away to the conference table. Del Come on, hurry up, sit down, Rodney. Sit down. Mike But I was under the impression that Arnie was a good family man. I mean, all he ever spoke of was his wife, Gary and young Steven. Del Yes, I know, and I'm under the impression that Gary and young Steven are about six foot tall and they like to dress up as ambulance men. Boycie What, you mean it's their ambulance? No, can't be, Del. Remember when Arnie come over bad in the restaurant? It was the staff that phoned for an ambulance. Del Yeah, and didn't it arrive quick? Boycie Yeah! Come to mention it, it was a bit lively.' Del I phoned that restaurant this afternoon and the manager told me that minutes after Arnie's ambulance arrived, another one turned up. The real one. Rodney We reckon they do it with split-second timing, right. At one o'clock Arnie does his dying swan act. And at three minutes past one his boys turn up in their ambulance, then it's off into the wild blue yonder. Del No one's gonna question a couple of medical orderlies, are they? Carrying a sick man out of a restaurant? Mike And no one can follow the ambulance because - Mike/Del/Rodney It goes through red lights! Boycie And you can pick up these old ambulances anywhere. Del I know, it's beautiful, innit? Trigger So what's Mr Stavros got to do with it all? Del Mr Stavros don't exist, Trig. Trigger Well, Arnie seemed to know him pretty well. Del No, he only did that. He invented him, didn't he? Just to get us on the... Explain it to him will you Rodney? Rodney Yeah you see...Oh it's too boring, tell him Mike... Mike Forget it Trig. Boycie It doesn't help me get my money back. I'm still convalescing from open wallet surgery. Del At least we know that Arnie and the dough are still out there somewhere. It puts us in with half a chance. I put the word out that I am interested in buying some gold chains. Denzil approaches the table on his way out. Denzil I'll see you fellas, I'm off. Consortium Yeah, see you, Denzil. Denzil Nice talking to you, Cassandra. Cassandra You too, Denzil. Safe trip. Del I bring this meeting to a conclusion, gentlemen. All I can say is: just keep your ears to the ground, right? Trig, that just means listen out; it doesn't mean get on your hands and knees... Come on, Rodney, let's go. See you, chaps. Del and Rodney make their way to Cassandra's table. Mike See you, Del. Rodney Sorry to leave you talking to a total stranger. Cassandra Don't worry, Rodney. Even strangers can be fun - I found that out in Guernsey. She smiles. Del Look at his face, now look, look, he looks as though he's sucked on a lemon! Anyway, that Denzil's a nice bloke, though, ain't he? Cassandra He was charming. And he actually sat down and spoke to me... Rodney I'm sorry, I just had things to do.. Cassandra He left a message. He heard that you were interested in buying some gold chains. Del Oh not more gold-plated Mickey Mouse gear. Cassandra Apparently on of his brothers, Carl is it? Del Yeah, lives over in Bethnal Green. Cassandra Apparently he's met some guy in a casino, a retired jeweler or something, who's got 200 and... Del Fifty! Cassandra Yes, 250 gold chains for sale and Denzil and his brothers are buying them. Del Where is Denzil? Cassandra He's just left. Del opens door and calls out into the night. Del Denzil, don't buy them! Rodney No, you're gonna have to shout louder than that, Del. He's half way to Germany! Del (Shouting louder) Denzil, don't buy 'em! INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM. We see a smartly-dressed Denzil and his brother Carl seated at a table sipping a lager each. They have menus in their hands but they are not looking at them. Their attention is centered firmly on someone sitting near the window. Arnie is seated at a window table. He is smartly dressed and has the briefcase chained to his wrist. EXT. SIDE ROAD/JUNCTION. DAY. FILM. We see the ambulance parked. One of the young ambulancemen from previous scams is seated at driving wheel. The other is standing on corner of junction before returning to the cab. Gary Can you see Dad? Steven Yeah, he's in position. About another four minutes. Gary Right. And this time you make the phone call. It's always me who has to pretend to be the hospital doctor. 'Did you know the deceased very well'? Steven OK, I'll do it. INT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM. Denzil and Carl look at each other and react. Arnie I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well. Could you get me an ambulance? EXT. INT INDIAN RESTAURANT/INT. AMBULANCE. DAY. FILM. The ambulance is parked outside the Indian restaurant with its back doors open. We now see Arnie, eyes closed feigning unconscious- ness, being carried out on a stretcher. The siren sounds and the ambulance roars away leaving a bewildered Denzil and Carl standing on the pavement. Cut to interior of ambulance. Arnie Wonderful! Arnie opens his eyes and reacts horrified. Arnie sees the grinning faces of Del, Boycie and Mike. Del and Boycie are wearing ambulancemen's uniforms. Del What's wrong, Arnie? You don't look too well! EXT. INDIAN RESTAURANT. DAY. FILM. Gary and Steven's ambulance is parked outside with the back door open. Gary and Steven, both rather worried by now, standing outside the restaurant talking to one of the Indian waiters. Gary What's up? Indian Waiter Ambulance come, he gone! Gary and Steven look at each other wondering what the hell's happening. They are about to close the back doors when they find Denzil, Carl and another of the brothers behind them. Denzil Wotcha fellas. Steven What's happening? Denzil We're going for a little ride. Get in! INT. DEL'S ABBULANCE. DAY. FILM. Arnie Now take it easy, fellers. I can explain everything. Mike We're not looking for explan- ations. It's all very clear. Arnie At least let's have a chat. Boycie Funnily enough, there was one or 12 and 'arf thousand things we wanted to talk to you about. Albert hands Del a large and vicious looking set of bolt cutters. Albert Try this, Del Boy. Del Thank you, doctor. Arnie You don't need that to cut the chain off. I've got the key. Del Who said anything about cut- ting the chain off? Arnie reacts in a state of panic. Del (Cont'd) Calm down, Arnie, calm down. You'll give yourself a heart attack!

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