Only Fools And Horses

Danger UXD

INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/KITCHEN. DAY. STUDIO. The table is laid for breakfast. Close to the door that leads to the bedrooms area, we have two fridges which are standing next to each other. Laying on the sofa is an empty cardboard box which has the words: "Matzuki. Video recorder" printed across it. We find Del and Albert over by the TVs studying the video recorder which is already plugged into the TVs. Del is trying to make it work. He presses various buttons and is obviously confused but is trying to put a brave face on things. Lights and digital numbers are flashing on and off on the machine. Del This machine is gonna change our lives. Albert Good. Del This is top-of-the-range hi- tech. Albert You can see that by all them lights. Del Yeah, yeah. I don't know how we've managed so long without one. Albert Nor do I...What is it? Del What...what is it? It's a videotape recorder. It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays this thing will record all your favourite shows for you. Albert Amazing. Del Nothing but the best. Albert How does it know you're on holiday? Del You send it a postcard, don't ya? You programme its little computer, you daft old... Del presses more buttons. Albert No luck, eh? Del It won't take me long. I'm a bit of a natural when it comes to technological things. I just got to get used to all its...er...its functions and its modes. Albert I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it. Del Yes! (Shouts) Rodneeeey! Come on, shake a leg, it's gone six o'clock. Rodney enters from the bedroom area. He wears his working gear and moves in half-asleep, zombie-like fashion. His hair is in a 'just got out of bed' style. Rodney Yes, alright. Keep the noise down, will you? Rodney shuffles to the breakfast table. Del watches him. Del Cor blimey, look at the state of that. I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking better than that. Albert You got in late last night, son. Out with that little bird of yours? What's her name - Cassandra? Rodney That's right. Cassandra and I went to a concert at the Royal Albert Hall. Albert Yeah? That takes me back. I used to go up there whenever I was on home leave. I saw some of the best there, Rodney. (To Del) Here, here, you ever heard of John Barbirolli? Del Yes, course I have. Albert Sir John was one of the greats. Del Yeah, Barbra and Ollie were pretty good an' all. Albert and Rodney look at each other in disbelief. Albert I saw 'em all, Rodney. Adrian Boult, Sir Malcom Sargent - wonderful times...Who'd you see? Rodney Eric Clapton. Albert Eric Clapton? He's a new one on me. Del Boy's got himself a video recorder. Rodney Oh yeah? Yeah, there was an interesting article in the paper the other day. Did you know that Taiwan is the only country in the world that don't have any rubbish dumps; they just send it all to him. Del Oi, oi, oi. That's enough of that. This is none of yer Taiwan junk. This was made in Formosa! Rodney and Albert react. Albert But Formosa is... Rodney Albert, please don't confuse the issue! Del Is what? Rodney Is one of the world's leading manufacturers of audio/visual equipment. Del And video recorders! Rodney And video recorders. Albert D'you want some breakfast, Del? Del No thanks Albert. Breakfast is for wimps. Albert Rodney? Rodney Yeah, I'm starving. Albert exits to kitchen, dum-dumming the 1812 overture. Del Well, you know where I was last night while you was up at the Albert Hall, head- banging? I was having a drink with the managing director of the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre! Rodney Didn't that used to be Ron's Cash and Carry? Del Yeah, yeah, that's right, but he changed the name. That bloke's come on a bundle in the last few years. That man is at the front of new technological frontiers. He's got a Queen's Award for industry plaque. Rodney I know. I was there when you sold it to him. Del Exactly! You and I, we both know it's a snide one but the punters don't! They're impressed by the image. And that's what today's modern business world is all about - image. You see, the right appearance can fool the customer, right? Now, take me for instance. I'm a perfect example. Rodney But you look exactly what you are. Del Well, thank you very much. It's only 'cos I've got the right image. No, I mean, it's the little things, you know, it's like me aluminium briefcase there, me Mercedes key-ring, me Filofax. When people see these things they know exactly what I am. Rodney It is a bit of a givaway, innit? Del Better than a Mason's hand- shake, bruv! It's like me jewellery. Se, now a half- sovereign ring can say a lot about a man. Rodney Combined with a medallion, it speaks volumes. Del Exactly! Now we're talking the same language aren't we eh? Albert opens door from kitchen. He is carrying a packet of cornflakes. Del (Cont'd) Hold it right there! Now look at Albert, Rodney. As you see him standing there, what is the first thing that comes to your mind? Rodney Why have I got bloody corn- flakes again? Albert It's 'cos I can't get any food in that fridge. It's full up with tomatoes he bought last week! Del Alright, alright, I'm gonna get rid of them today, aren't I? (To Rodney) No, I'm talking image-wise, aren't I? (Referring to Albert) That says to me, here is a man who has worked hard all his life for an honest crust. Here is a man of strong principles, here is a man you can trust. You see what I'm saying - you see how easy it is to fool people, eh? All you've got to do is have the right image. And that's what you've got to work on, Rodney. Rodney Are you saying I've got to get an image? Del No, what I'm saying is you've got to get rid of one! Look at me Rodders. You see, I wear a trendy trenchcoat, Gordon Gekko braces - you wear a lumberjack's coat and Gordon Bennett boots. My image says: 'I'm going right to the top, flat out!' Your image says: 'I'm going back to bed 'cos I'm shagged out!' You've got to be dynamic, Rodney. Rodney Yeah, alright then. Del exits to the kitchen and opens the fridge which is filled to the top with boxes of tomatoes. He takes some of the boxes out as he talks. Del I was being dynamic last night over at Ron's Cash... over the Advanced Electronics Research and Development Centre. I was where the big business opportunities occur and I was in a position to snap 'em up. Cut to lounge. Rodney And what exactly did you snap up? Albert That video recorder. Rodney I bet the Financial Times index has gone through the roof! Del enters carrying the boxes which he places on top of the other fridges. Del No, I didn't just buy one - I bought 50 of 'em, rest of them are in the garage. I paid 50 quid each! Albert But that's two and a half grand! Where'd you get two and a half grand from? Del I didn't. I got 'em on the knock, you know, buy now, pay later. When I sell 'em Ronnie Nelson'll get his money. Rodney But 50 quid each! Del Mm. Rodney Well, they've got to be hooky! Del No, they are not hooky. Del enters and takes some more boxes of tomatoes from the fridge. Del (Cont'd) No, the reason why they're so cheap is because they come from a consignment into which the manufacturers put the wrong instructions. Cut to lounge. Rodney Oh great! So how are you gonna operate a video recorder with the instructions for a sandwich toaster? Del enters from the kitchen with more boxes. Del I'm not - you are. Rodney What? Albert Well, you're the one who's taking a diploma course in computer science - again! Del Yes, that's right, so programming a soppy little thing like that ought to be a doddle for someone of your talents. Rodney Yes, alright, I'll do it for you. Del Ah good boy, good boy. You know it makes sense. Listen, I want you to record a programme for me on ITV called City News. It's all about mega-powered business, Wall Street, big bangs and all that. Rodney You on it? Del You know, I think a surgical collar will suit you. Talking about suits, I want you to wear yours today. I want you to look really snappy for the punters, you know, with-it. We've got a high-profile image. Rodney High profile? The only thing we've got that's high is this flat! Del Look I've got an important phone call to make, so will you two take them tomatoes down to the van? Rodney and Albert sigh heavily and then pick up a couple of boxes each. Del (Cont'd) Oh, and don't forget the rest, alright? He opens the two fridges and we see they are full of boxes of tomatoes. Del exits to the bedroom area, carrying his cordless phone. INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY. STUDIO. The pub is fairly crowded with mainly market workers, but at the far end of the counter sits a yuppy estate agent, Adrian, and his girlfriend. She is eating a salad. Also seated at the bar and some distance from the yuppies is Denzil, who is dressed in his lorry driving clothes. We see Mike, who is standing towards the back of the bar and out of the yuppies' vision. Standing on a heater plate we have a large casserole pot, from which Mike is spooning beef stew into two identical bowls. He carries them carefully to the front of the bar, and places one down in front of Denzil. Mike There's your stew Denzil. That's a pound. Denzil Cheers. I'll get you on the way back. Mike moves along the bar to a yuppy with the second bowl. Mike (Calling to yuppy) Boeuf bourguignonne? That's two pound seventy five. Adrian Oh that's super. Mike Bon appetite. Mike moves back down the bar to Denzil. Mike So how's life treating you then, Denz? Denzil The same as Paxo treats a turkey! Mike Bad as that, eh? Denzil Well, whatever happened to 'good news' eh? Has it been privatised or something? Mike Here, I heard you'd started your own haulage company - Transworld Express. Any time, any load, anywhere. Denzil That's right, but I've only got a Transit. Mike A transit! So why all the big, world wide slogans? Denzil Well, I wanted to call it the Peckham Courier Service. Parcels, small boxes, that sort of thing. Then I bumped into Del. Mike Oh don't tell me. Image, yeah? Denzil Yes. He said, 'There is no place in the modern business world for small thinkers; you have gotta be big, brave and brazen'. Mike Why'd you listen to him? Denzil Well, I keep telling myself I shouldn't take no notice of him but Del insists! Does he still drink in here? Mike Yeah, occasionally. But since the yuppies gentrified Peckham he's been hanging round the wine bars and bistros. Of course, one by one they're barring him. Denzil Well, they're bound to, aren't they? Mike indicates towards the yuppies. Mike See them over there? They only come in here to avoid him. Denzil I saw Rodney this morning. He was wearing a suit. Mike Someone must have died! There ain't much good news around, is there? Del Denzil, my 'ole mate! Denzil I was just going, Del! Del No, not until I've bought you a drink, you're not. Here pina colada for me, please, Michael; same again for Denzil. You wanna clean your pipes out more often. Listen Michael, listen to me. I've just come back from Folkstone. I've got 25, ten- kilo boxes of fresh Jersey tomatoes, straight off the ferry, still got the dew on 'em. Two pound fifty a box, what do you say? Do your salads up a treat. Mike What, two pound fifty a box? Del Yup. Mike Go on then, Del, I'll have one. Del I put three boxes aside for you. Rodney's on his way down with 'em. Let's sit at the table Denzil. Tell me what you've been up to. Denzil and Del move to a table. As they do so, Del spots the two yuppies. Del Ah Chloe, Adrian, how nice to see you again. Adrian (Quietly to girlfriend) Oh God, it's him. (Flatly to Del) Hello. Del and Denzil sit at the table. Del My sort of people. Denzil You mean the bistro kids? Del Ah yeah. Me and old Adrian were in the wine bar the other night debating the Trust House Forte/Cunard merger. Oh yeah, that's the sort of thing I like these days, you know Denzil, the cut and thrust, to and fro of an honest, well-honed argument. I regret it now, but I ended up clumping him. But it's all forgot- ten about now eh? Denzil Perrier water under the bridge eh? Del Yeah. Mike hands over the drinks. Del Oh, cheers Mike. Rodney enters. He is wearing a light grey, modern suit. We can only see his trousers as the three boxes of tomatoes he is carrying obscure his jacket from view. He glares angrily at Del as he thumps the boxes down on the counter. He turns and we see his suit jacket has numerous juicy, gooey tomato stains. Rodney Just look at me! I'm supposed to be going out in this tonight. Del Well you've ruined it, haven't yer? Rodney This is your fault! It's all so I could present an image. Well, I am presenting an image, I'm presenting the image of someone who's got tomato stains all over him! Del That'll come off! Mike, give him something to wipe that up with, will ya? Mike How about a slice of bread? Rodney I need him, don't I? I bloody need him! Denzil That was a nice suit this morning, Rodney. Rodney Yeah, I know it was. Gawd knows how I'm gonna get it clean for tonight! I'll have to cancel my date with Cassandra and that'll ruin my evening and she might meet a geezer who isn't covered in tomato juice and that'll ruin my life and it's all your fault! Del Oh shut up and sit down, you big old brass! Mike (To Denzil) Here, Denzil, tell Rodney about your luck. That should cheer him up. Del (To Denzil) 'Ere, what's that? No luck, me old mate? Denzil Oh no, Del, lots of luck - and all bad! Last Friday was mine and Corinne's anniversary. Del Oh my Gawd! Denzil No, Del, that's not the bad luck. Del Oh sorry. Denzil See a while back I got this contract with this plastics factory over Deptford. They make garden furniture, camping equipment, toys, the lot. Del Oh yeah? Denzil Yeah. Del Carry on. Denzil Yeah, well Friday afternoon I got this urgent call from the factory to go to a shop in High Wycombe and pick up 50 dolls. They were being returned, faulty stock. But it's my anniversary - isn't it? - and I've promised to take Corinne out for the evening. By the time I have got through all the rush-hour traffic it's half-past six and I've still got all the dolls on board - so what do I do? Take 'em back to the factory like I'm supposed to and let Corinne down, or leave 'em on the truck until Monday and hope no one twigs? Del Oh well, it's obvious, innit? You let Corinne down. Rodney No. How can the return of faulty dolls be urgent? I'd have left 'em on me truck 'til Monday. Denzil That's exactly what I did. And what happens? The factory went up in flames. Exploded, by all accounts. Normally I can carry on working for them because they've got other depots, but tomorrow morning I have got to hand in this unsigned docket which proves I collected the dolls but also proves that I didn't deliver them. When the governors find out they are either gonna think that I have become unreliable or, worse still, that I am on the thieve! Rodney Yeah, it's a problem, innit Denzil? Denzil Yeah. Del It's no problem. Are you two gonna be plonkers for the rest of your lives? This is no stroke of bad luck, this is a gift from the gods! Give us that here. Del grabs the docket from Denzil and writes on it. Denzil What d'you think you're doing? Del I'm getting you out of schtuck and in the money, right? Right now, listen, I've signed that docket and put on Friday's date. They'll be too busy to check this. Now, as far as anyone's concerned all them dolls went up in flames with the rest of the factory. Them dolls on the back of your truck no longer exist. This means that the owners will get more insurance money, you get an empty truck plus a hundred nicker bunce. Me and the Tomato Kid here get 50 dollies to flog down the market and the great British public have another bargain of a lifetime! Everyone's a winner! Petit dejeuner! (Picking up Denzil's keys) Alright? I am now gonna empty your van into ours. See you later, Denzil. Tata Mike. Ciao, Chloe, Adrian. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO. We have a large cardboard box which contains the dolls. The box has a consignment number printed across it. Albert has a knife or a pair of scissors and is cutting through the tape on top of the box. Rodney is wiping the tomato stains from his suit with a damp cloth. Del is replacing a few left-over boxes of tomatoes in fridges. Albert How much d'you pay for 'em? Del Two quid a piece. We might be able to knock 'em out for a tenner a go, that's four hundred smackers profit, eh? Lovely Jubbly! Rodney You've just bought 50 dolls that have got something wrong with 'em. Del But you know what these quality-control geezers are like. One tiny little scratch on 'em and they stamp 'em 'Reject!' Albert What about them dolls you were selling at Christmas? Del There was nothing wrong with them dolls, was there? You laid 'em back like in your arms like that, they closed their little eyes and they looked exactly as if they was asleep. Rodney Yeah, and we had to try 'n' keep 'em closed, didn't we? 'Cos when you opened 'em they was boss-eyed! Del Yeah, well, they had put the eyes in the wrong way round, I grant ya, that's why they were such a bargain. Anyway the kids loved 'em. All except that little one who had nightmares and I think she was a bit funny to begin with. Anyway, these are probably Barbie or Sindy dolls, top of the range. Rodney is reading the delivery docket. Rodney Del, these dolls ain't called Barbie or Sindy. These dolls are called Lusty Linda and Erotic Estelle. Del You can't have dolls with names like that! Rodney You can if you go to the right shops! Albert now produces one of the dolls. It unfolds to its full height. It is one of those life-size, inflatable sex dolls. Del and Rodney look horrified at each other. Del Bloody hell, what have we got ourselves into here? Rodney Well, this is your fault, innit? You never stop to ask questions, do ya? You just go crashing in and to hell with the consequences! Del That is because I've got a high profile. Rodney Yeah, high profile and low forehead! Albert They're big for little dolls, ain't they? Rodney No, Unc. They ain't ordinary dolls. You get them advertised in... (Winking at Albert) ...magazines! Albert Yeah? Where's that? Radio Times? Rodney Oh for Gawd's sake, Albert, have a day off, will yer? I meant seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men. Albert You're pulling my leg. Rodney Oh am I?? Rodney takes out a rolled up girlie magazine from his inside pocket and finds the appropriate page. Rodney (Cont'd) Have a look at that then! Albert He's right an' all Del! Del I know he is! Del produces a second doll from a box. This one should be a dusky colour. Del (Cont'd) Blimey, look at this lot in here. We've got more colours in here than jelly babies! Rodney We're gonna have to get rid of them a bit lively, Del. Del Yeah, you're right. Albert (Reading mag) Look at the prices they sell for - 60 quid each. Del On the other hand let's not be too hasty, eh Rodney? Rodney Oi, come on, Del! Del No, you were the one who was having a go at me just now for making quick decisions, weren't ya? Albert, let me just have a look at that magazine there. Del hands his doll to Albert who now has both dolls. Albert Don't give 'em to me! He throws both dolls down behind the fridges. They are now out of sight. Rodney Del, we can't sell these! Del Rodney, Rodney, look at this. These things, they sell for 60 quid each, don't they? And these dolls are self- inflating deluxe models, for the more discerning weirdo. Rodney Or maybe they're specially made for bronchial perverts. Del Rodney, if we could sell these for just 30 quid each, we'd make what? Fourteen hundred pounds profit. Rodney is about to say something but the figure of fourteen hundred pounds stops him. Del That's fourteen hundred lovely pounds split right down the middle between you and me. That means by this time tomorrow you could have 600 quid of your own on your hip. And I know who'll buy 'em off us. Rodney Who? Del Dirty Barry. Albert Who's Dirty Barry? Del Well, he runs a little, um, 'personal' shop down the Walworth Road and he'll take the whole lot of us. Rodney And what happens if Cassandra finds out? Del Why, does she want one? Rodney You know what I mean! She won't wanna see me again, will she? Del Well, how is she gonna find out? Albert You stand a fair chance of getting caught if you go walking round the streets in broad daylight with 'em! Del Well we won't, will we? We'll go down there tonight with 'em, he stays open 'til about eight o'clock. Albert Just get 'em out of here as quick as you can. I don't like the idea of sharing my home with these evil little things that'll bring nothing but bad luck. Del Now you know how me and Rodney felt the day you moved in! Rodney I don't want nothing to do with them, Del. Del Look, we're supposed traders, aren't we? All we're doing is trading! This is just a one- off deal, that's all. I mean, people make a living out of this sorta thing, it's big business an' all, innit? I mean, you read about it in the Sunday papers, don't ya? All those MPs and vicars all going off to them vice dens up in Soho to get whipped and beaten up and they pay 200 quid, you know, for the privilege an' all. And, blimey, they wanna walk round this estate one night, they'd get it done free and on the national health. Albert Yeah, but them sort of people are sick! Del Yes, I know! But they're still human beings! I mean, if some pervo wants to get it going with 'arf a pound of latex and a lump of oxygen, well that's his business. As far as I'm concerned he can have a meaningful relation- ship with a...with a barrage balloon. Rodney As long as it's in the privacy of his own hanger? Del Exactly. Now, listen, I'm gonna give Dirty Barry a bell and tell him to hang on for us tonight. Albert Rodney, tell me the truth. You couldn't honestly go out and sell them horrible dolls, could ya? Rodney To be honest with you, Unc, no I couldn't! Del Barry - Del Boy. Rodney But I know a man who can. INT. A CHINESE TAKE-AWAY. NIGHT. STUDIO. Like every Chinese take-away in the country, this one has a TV blaring in the corner. Denzil is at the counter and there are a few other customers behind him. From the TV, we hear the end theme music from the BBC Six O’clock news, followed by the theme music from the South East News. The Chinese owner approaches Denzil. Chinese Owner That's five pounds and fifty- four pence. Denzil Cheers. Chinese Owner It's almost ready. I fetch for you. The Chinese owner disappears into the kitchen and Denzil turns to watch TV. We now see the presenter of South East News on the screen. Presenter Good evening. Police in South London have warned the public to be on the lookout for 50 life-size inflatable dolls which went missing from a factory in Deptford over the weekend. A police spokesman today said that, due to a technical error, the dolls have been loaded with gases which include the highly explosive and volatile gas, propane. Denzil Dear God! On the television screen we have news film of a burnt out factory. Presenter (Over film) ...The factory which manufac- tures them was burnt to the ground on Saturday night and experts suspect the fire may have been caused by the presence of propane. The theft came to light when security men noticed a forged signature on a delivery docket. Police have warned that the dolls are potentially lethal, particularly when exposed to heat, and have appealed for their immediate return. As the Chinese owner enters from the kitchen with Denzil's takeaway, Denzil rushes out of the door. Chinese Owner (Calls) Your food is ready. (To another customer) Usually they take the food and run off without paying! This guy's got it all wrong! INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO. The main light is off and only side lights show. Rodney is in the process of getting ready to go out. He wears boxer shorts and socks. His shirt is unbuttoned and revealing a vest. Del is over by the video recorder. He is jacketless but obviously dressed to go out and still wearing his red braces. Albert is seated watching the TV which is showing a schools programme concerning St Paul's Cathedral. Del I don't believe it! I knew I shouldn't have trusted you, Rodney! Rodney Look, I've already told you. There is something wrong with that machine. Del (To Albert) I asked him to set this to record a programme on ITV called City News. What have I got? Open University on BBC2! So instead of keeping my fingers on the ever- changing pulse of the stock market, I am watching Christopher dopey Wren on how he built St Paul's Cathedral! Albert I think it's interesting. Del Yeah, you would. You were most probably around when he applied for planning permission! Rodney It's nippy in ere, innit? Is it alright if I turn the thermostat up? Del You sure it's not too tech- nical for you? Rodney gives him a sneer and switches the wall thermo- stat up. He returns to the mirror. Del is now pressing various buttons on the video recorder. He presses one and the screen goes blank. Del Oh you dipstick, Rodney, now look what you've done? Rodney Me? Albert I thought Rodney knew about videos. Del Yeah, Emmanuelle In Bangkok and that's about it. Rodney I programmed that computer to record the programme you wanted. Now it's not my fault if it decided to record something else, is it? That machine is... Rodney is trying to think of the correct technical term. Rodney (Cont'd) ...up the wall! Del You're tryna blind me with science now, ain't you? Albert Personally I think these computers are more trouble than they're worth. Rodney How'd you figure that out? Albert There was a film on earlier all about computers. Rodney You're joking? Oh I wish I'd recorded it. Del Oh hang around, Rodney, you most probably did. Albert It was called War Games. It was all about this soppy kid who messes around with computers. Then one day he broke into the computer that controls the American nuclear defence system. He almost got us into World War Three! Del No chance of that happening with Rodney, is there? World War Three! This plonker can't even get channel three! Rodney brandishes the instructions pamphlet. Rodney Have you read the instruc- tions to your video recorder? Del No, I haven't actually read them. Rodney Well, why don't you do that small thing Derek? I think you'll find it very interesting. Because we have instructions in German, Spanish, French and Italian and not one single word in English! And that's why your machine don't work. It was made strictly for sale in Europe! Del But we're in Europe now, we joined the Common Market. Rodney Yes, I know that, but we've got a different electrical system to the rest of Europe and that's why your machine is on the blink. Its components are burning out. It is what's technically known as 'knackered!' Ronnie Nelson's tucked you up. Del is devastated. He flops down at table. Del Oh Bloody Hell! Well, that's all I need, innit? Albert You won't be able to sell the others now, Del. Del Too late, Unc. I sold 'em all this afternoon! Rodney You sold 'em? Mm, 70... er... 60 quid each, Rodney. Rodney You'll have to give the money back! Del Why? Rodney Because they don't work! Del Well, what does he expect for 60 quid! I mean, I've been tucked up. I'm just passing it on, that's all. Don't worry about it, everything is gonna be cushty. Rodney You are something else, you are! Del You're too picky, Rodney, that's your trouble. Del now reads the pamphlet while a sulky Rodney continues getting ready. Albert is reading a newspaper. The silence is now broken by a six-second-long sound- like air escaping from a narrow gap in the valve of a balloon. Del and Rodney look at each other ad then at Albert who reacts offended. Del What was that funny sound? Albert I don't know. What you looking at me for? Rodney Well, most funny sounds in this flat tend to emanate from your vicinity. Albert Well I didn't do it! Del and Rodney shrug - it's a mystery but anyone living on their estate is used to odd noises. We now hear the same sound only this time it comes in short sharp bursts. Del What is that noise? Rodney Oi, sshh! Now the three of them are listening intently. Their eyes scour the room. We can hear a hissing sound followed by a sound similar to a large air bubble rushing to the surface and then a loud plastic pop. With the 'pop' the head and shoulders of the white doll appear above the top of the fridges. It happens suddenly so that the dolls' appearance is frightening. The Trotters' react with cries of alarm and rush for the hall door and end up squashed against the door, looking in wide-eyed horror at the apparition. Del What's happening, what's happening, Rodney? Rodney How the hell should I know? The Trotters re-enter the flat. Del You're the one with the GCEs! Albert It's come alive, that's what's happened! Rodney Come alive! What'd you think this is. Pinocchio? Albert I've seen this happen before! Years ago, I was in Jamaica and I saw a voodoo ceremony. This witch-doctor ran his hands over a dead cat and it come back to life! Del Yeah? Pity he don't live round here; he could have a go at my video! Now we hear the bubbling and hissing sounds again. Now, with a pop, the dusky doll appears above the fridges. Del That's you, that is, talking about Jamaica, look! (Cautiously approaching the dolls) I don't understand it. I thought you were supposed to pull a string or press a button or something to inflate 'em! Rodney So did I... They're right next to the hot-air duct. Well, that must have caused it. See, they must have a little canister of gas inside 'em and the heat set 'em off. (To Albert) Why d'you go and stick 'em next to the hot-air duct? Albert I didn't know the heat would do that! Anyway, you're the one that switched the thermostat up! Rodney Well, I didn't know the heat would do that either! Del Yes, alright, alright you two, now just pack it in, for Gawd's sake, will ya? Whatever will our guests think? Ugly mares, ain't they? Rodney Seen you with worse. Del Rodney, you're gonna op an unfortunate one in a minute. Albert Listen, we can't stand here arguing. We've gotta do something before the black and white minstrels pop up! Del Alright, don't panic, don't panic. We'll just deflate 'em. Albert How? Rodney Well, they're bound to have a little valve on 'em ain't they? Del Yeah, that's right. They remain looking at the dolls, each of them afraid to make their first move. Del (Cont'd) Go then Rodney, have a look for it. Rodney I'm not looking for it!! It could be anywhere! Del looks to Albert. Albert And I ain't looking for it either. Could be illegal. Del Well they ain't gonna call for the police are they? Cor blimey! (To himself) Do it yourself, Del Boy. Del moves behind the cocktail bar and examines the dolls without actually touching them. Del (Cont'd) There it is, right on the back there. Give us a matchstick Albert. Albert produces his pipe and tobacco from which he takes a box of matches. Del (Cont'd) Here y'are Rodney, have a go at that one. Del is now pushing the matchstick into the dusky doll's valve. Rodney is doing likewise to the white doll. Del (Cont'd) Does Cassandra let you do this? Rodney Shut up! Del Nothing's happening. Rodney Nah, same here. Albert Maybe they're dodgy valves! We used to get it on the rubber dinghies in the navy. Del Oh yeah, how can you tell? Albert Well, once they're up they won't come down. Rodney Well, you remember what Denzil said? They were faulty goods. He was taking them back to the factory. It must have been the valves that were faulty! Del Well, how we gonna let 'em down? Rodney How should I know? Albert Can't you stick pins in 'em? Del You're back to your voodoo again, aren't you? There's 60 quid in profit tied up in these two. Rodney Oh look what's 60 notes, eh? Come on, let's just burst 'em! Rodney has picked up Del's smothered cigar from the ashtray and is about to plunge it into one of the dolls. Del (Grabbing Rodney's hand) Rodney, Rodney, don't you dare do that. Give me that there. Cor, dear, your mother would turn somersaults in her grave if she could see you doing that. She did not bring us up to throw good money away, just 'cos we've got a little problem! We'll find a way in which we can get 'em down to Dirty Barry's. Rodney And how are you gonna explain the fact that they are fully inflated? Del Well, I'll just say they're samples. I'll say we blew 'em up so we could see 'em in all their natural beauty! We'll chuck 'em in the back of the van. They'll be out of sight then! Albert But how you gonna get 'em out of this flat, down the stairs, through the main doors, right across the fore- court to where the van's parked without anyone seeing you? Del I'll...I'll... (To Rodney) He always has to spoil every- thing, don't he? Rodney He's got a point, though, ain't he? I mean, there's thousands of people on this estate. Someone's bound to notice you. Del Alright, alright. Give me time. The first thing we've gotta do is to get these into another room. I mean, if that bloke from the council turns up to talk to us about buying this flat, Gawd knows what he'd think if he bumped into Pepsi and Shirley here... Albert, put these in Rodney's room. Rodney What? No way! I've already got a wardrobeful of Mum's old clothes in my room. Them two would just about take the biscuit! Del Who's gonna see 'em? Rodney Well, in case I bring Cassandra back. Put 'em in your room. Del No, case I bring a bird back. Put 'em in Albert's room. Albert Case I bring... Albert realises that his argument holds no water. Albert (Cont'd) Oh alright, put 'em in my room. Albert moves round to the cocktail bar and picks up one doll. Del picks up the other. Rodney I've gotta go and meet Cassandra. I'll see you later. Del Alright, alright. Oi, Rodney, just make sure you don't do anything that might cause embarrassment to our family. Rodney turns and looks in disbelief as Del and Albert stand there holding the dolls. Rodney Del, I don't think I could do anything that would cause embarrassment to our family. Del Good boy, good boy. Mum'd be proud of you. Mum! That's it Rodney, I think I've just worked out a way how we can get these down to Dirty Barry's! Rodney Oh no! INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO. Boycie and Trigger are seated at the bar. Boycie is wearing his wide awake business clothes. He sips a gin and tonic and puffs on a cheroot as he stares sternly into nowhere, obviously contemplating some deal that has not gone in his favour. Trigger is wearing his council donkey-jacket and eats a cheese salad and sips a flat pint. There is a pause as they both stare directly ahead, Boycie angrily and Trigger blankly. They are the only people in the pub except for Mike. Trigger These tomatoes are a bit manky, ain't they, Mike? Still, they make your beer taste better. Mike I'll have you know they were fresh Jersey tomatoes! Trigger Oh yeah, when? Mike Why do you come in this pub, Trig? Trigger (Thinking about it) For the company. Boycie Trigger doesn't have many friends or opportunities for social outlet. Every weekend he goes down to the park and throws bread to the ducks. To him it's a dinner party. So during the week he has a straight choice between sitting in the cemetery or sitting in this pub. Unfortunately, the cemetery closes at six. Mike What is the matter with everyone today? Trigger's done nothing but moan, you've got a face like a constipated rat - at least when Del Boy comes in he cracks a joke and has a laugh! Boycie It's due to the activities of the aforementioned Del Boy that I have a face like a constipated rat! Derek popped in to see me this afternoon. Trigger How is he? Boycie A lot richer than before he popped in to see me this afternoon! He sold me some video recorders for 70 quid each. I snapped 'em up. Mike For 70 nicker each! What they fall off, the back of a lorry? Boycie If they did, they were going round a bend in Dusseldorf! Mike How d'you mean? Boycie I have just discovered that these machines only work on the continental current. To make them work on the British system would take a transformer the size of a suitcase and an electrician of such genius that I'd have to go head-hunting at Cape Canaveral! Trigger Seventy nicker each? Boycie Eh? Trigger Those video recorders - seventy nicker each? Boycie Yeah. Trigger I'll have one. Boycie No, no, Trig. See they only work on a continental... alright, I'll drop one round. Trigger Cheers, Boycie. Denzil enters in a mad rush. Denzil Mike, Mike! Even though the pub is virtually empty, Mike reacts in the time honoured way of all landlords. Mike Hang on, hang on. I've only got one pair of hands. Denzil Have you seen Del Boy? Mike No, no. He ain't been in this evening. Denzil Oh bloody hell! I've gotta do something really quick! Is your phone working? Boycie laughs at this ridiculous question. Boycie Is the phone working? Mike Look, we had a spot of bother the other week. They tore the wires out. But what's all the panic? Denzil I sold Del some dolls - inflatable dolls. Boycie Inflatable dolls? Denzil He didn't know they were inflatable! I never knew they were inflatable! I picked 'em up from a place called Playthings - I thought it was a toy shop! Well, apparently the police are looking for them, they're dangerous! They've been fitted with the wrong gas cylinders. They're full of something called propane. Mike Propane?! Here, that's explo- sive innit? Denzil Very! Del's got 50 little time-bombs on his hands. If them things get hot they are Z! I'll drive round his flat. I'll see you later. Trigger That's bad news, innit? Boycie Terrible! Mike That's tragic! Now Boycie and Mike start to laugh. EXT. THE NYERERE ESTATE. NIGHT. FILM. We are at the main doors to Nelson Mandela House. The three-wheeled van is parked 20 or so yards away. The doors open and Albert, wearing his duffel coat and carrying the box containing the uninflated dolls, steps out and surveys the area. Satisfied that no-one is looking, he calls back into the building. Albert Hurry up then. It's all clear. Albert steps further out, still maintaining a watchful eye. Now Del and Rodney exit from the building. Del is wearing his trendy coat and carrying his filofax. Rodney is wearing the suit from the previous scene. They have their arms around the waists of the two inflatable dolls which are dressed in mum's old clothes. Joan Mavis Trotter died in 1964 and the clothes reflect the era. She would have been a very fashion-conscious woman although her tastes would have leaned towards the gaudy. The dolls are both wearing hats and one of them has been fitted with sun-glasses; the other wears calf-length boots which swim around her skinny vinyl legs. As Del and Rodney exit from the building, the dolls' legs just drag behind them. They stop at the top of the steps. Del is trying to appear casual, as if he and his girl are simply just taking in the night air. Rodney is dying a thousand deaths. Del breathes in the night air. Del Well, what a lovely evening. Rodney can hardly talk as his facial muscles are paral- ysed in a death grin. Rodney I'm gonna kill you! Del (To Albert) Go and open the van. (To Rodney) It'll be alright as long as we don't draw attention to ourselves. Rodney gestures with his head, his eyes indicating upwards. Rodney Look! We see a woman on the third floor balcony of the tower block opposite. She is taking her washing off a clothes horse. She spots the Trotters and gives them a friendly wave. Del waves back royally with his filofax. The woman turns back to her clothes and then stops. She looks back to the Trotters with an incredulous expression. Del Hurry up, Albert! We see Albert at the van trying to open the back door. Albert It's locked! Del Cor blimey! You got the keys, Rodney?? Rodney fishes the keys from his pocket. Rodney (To Albert) Yeah, here y'are. Hurry up. Albert rushes back for the keys. Del Drive the van back over here, Unc. Albert But I'm not insured. Rodney Well, don't have a crash then! What if the police patrol sees us? Del It's alright, these dolls ain't hooky. Rodney I'm thinking more of a public indecency charge! How you gonna explain this in court? Del I shall tell the truth, Rodney. I shall say, Yes, your honour, the other evening my brother and I decided to go out for a drink with two life-size inflatable dolls which were wearing my late mother's clothing. Can't put you in prison for that, Rodders. Rodney No, they'd chuck us in Broad- moor. The Norman Bates wing, most probably. Del Hold up. We see an elderly black man, Clayton, approaching. He wears a hat and a pair of quite thick glasses. Clayton Good evening, Derek. Del feigns a female voice and waves the hand of his doll partner as if to say hello. Del Good evening, Clayton. Clayton Good evening, Rodney. Rodney Evening, Mr Cooper. Clayton Good evening, ladies. Del (In high pitched voice) Good evening. The van, Albert driving, pulls up next to Del and Rodney. Albert opens the back door and the dolls are thrown in the back unceremoniously. Rodney Right, that's me finished with 'em, OK? Del Here, just a minute. Oi, ain't you coming down Dirty Barry's with us? Rodney No, I ain't. I've got a date with Cassandra. Del Look I had a date with that Simone sort from the cut- price butcher's and she had a bag of liver for us. I've knocked her on the head. Business comes first. Rodney Well, I'm not knocking Cassandra on the head. Look, you bought 'em, he blew 'em up, so it's YP Derek! Del YP? Rodney Your problem! Del (Under his breath) You dipstick! Come on, Albert, get in the van. Albert Why have I gotta come in with ya? Del I need you to help me carry 'em into Dirty Barry's. Del climbs into the driver's seat and a reluctant Albert gets into the passenger seat. Del (Cont’d) Don't keep worrying. We're in the van now. No one can see 'em. Albert I hope you're right. Del Trust me. Have I ever put you wrong before? Albert pulls the hood of his duffel coat over his head and the van pulls away from camera. As it does so we see the two dolls' faces peering out the back window. The van turns a corner and out of view. There is a tiny pause before Denzil's transit pulls into shot and screeches to a halt. Denzil alights from the van and rushes into the building. INT. UP-MARKET HAMBURGER RESTAURANT. NIGHT. FILM. This is not Wimpy, more Joe Allen. Rodney and Cassandra are seated at a table. The restaurant is quite crowded with the 25- to 35-year -old set, all very casual. As we join Rodney and Cassandra they are involved in a light-hearted disagreement, lots of smiles and trying-not-to-laughs. Cassandra You are a liar, Rodney! Rodney places a hand on his heart, mockingly serious. Rodney Oh Cassandra, that hurts me! I have never told an untruth in my life. I happen to come from an extremely honest family. Cassandra You told me you lived in a great big house. Rodney Well, I do live in a great big [email protected]! Nelson Mandela House - it's got about 70 flats in it. You can't get much bigger than that! Cassandra I drove you home to where you claimed to live and it most certainly was not a council estate! It was a mansion. I mean there was a brand-new Mercedes in the front and most probably an Olympic- sized swimming pool at the back. The people that owned the house came to the window and you had the gall to wave at them! Rodney Yes, I remember. And I swore to myself that night that never again would I go out without my contact lenses! Cassandra Oh shut up! The waiter arrives with their meals. Hamburger and French fries for Rodney, hamburger and salad for Cassandra. Waiter Enjoy your meal. Rodney/Cassandra Thank you. Rodney Well, you know when I saw your house, it looked so nice I decided to sprawns a bit. Cassandra You must have known I'd find out. Rodney No. I didn't think I'd ever see you again. Cassandra Why? Rodney Dunno, just didn't! I wanted to see you again but did you want to see me again? Cassandra Yes, I did. Rodney Why? Cassandra Because I thought you lived in a great big house and had a Mercedes! (Smiling at Rodney) Why did you want to see me again? Rodney Well, I wanted to see what you looked like once I had my contact lenses in. Cassandra And? Rodney Well, it's come as a great disappointment, Cassandra. I'm sorry. Cassandra Don't apologize. It happens to me all the time. I meet a guy, we get on well, he regains his sight - end of story. Rodney It's a tough world. Cassandra nods in mock-sadness. Cassandra Mm! They share a smile. Rodney is about to sip his beer. Cassandra (Cont'd) I'd like to meet your brother. Rodney (Incredulous) Why? Cassandra It's just the things you've told me about him. He seems like an interesting kind of person. Rodney Yes, Del can sometimes be interesting. But most of the time he's just baffling! EXT. A YARD IN AN OLDER PART OF DOWNTOWN LONDON. NIGHT. FILM. The yard is reached through an alley which is not wide enough to drive the van down. The van parked at the top of the alley Del is walking down through the alley carrying the two dolls horizontally under the arms. Albert, still with the hood of his duffel coat pulled up, follows with the cardboard box containing the rest of the dolls. They arrive at a grubby door, a sign above which reads: "Ecstasy. (Suppliers of adult requisites) Trade Entrance." Del (Referring to Albert's hood) Take that thing off will you? You look like Little Red Riding Hood! Albert I don't want anyone round here recognizing me! Del Who the hell's gonna recog- nize you, eh? Albert You might not believe it, but during the war I was quite a celebrity round these parts. It was 'cos of all the medals I won for bravery under fire. Del The only acts of bravery you ever performed were under water! Albert Say someone saw us holding these things. They might ring the press and they'd have a field day what with me being an old war hero! They'd call me one of those silly Fleet Street nicknames. They'd call me 'The Old Man of the PVC' or something like that! Del Just stop moaning? Del presses the door buzzer. Barry Who's there? Del Barry, it's me, Del Boy. Barry Hold on. We now hear the sound of keys and chains. Albert He's security-conscious, ain't he? Del That's not security, he's just moving some of the stock. INT. THE ECSTACY SHOP. NIGHT. STUDIO. There are lots of boxes of non-specific stock, a couple of whips on wall, some chains and bondage stuff, maybe a leather studded bodice. Dirty Barry is in his mid-30s, a seedy looking cockney. He is moving a box of chains away from the door, which he then opens. Barry Come in. Del enters with the two dolls. Albert follows with the box (hood still up). Barry (Cont’d) (Referring to Albert) Who's the monk? Del No, no, that's my Uncle Albert. He's alright, he's harmless. Barry So what's occurring? You buy- ing or selling? Del Selling. Barry Yeah? What? Del What d'yer mean 'What?'! These things, of course! What d'yer think I'm doing, giving 'em a guided tour? Barry Here, they're not the dolls the police are looking for, are they? Albert Police? Del No, of course not! I got these up north. There's a shop I know that's gone out of business. And I thought I'll get these for my mate, Dir...er...Barry. Barry Went out of business, did he? Yeah, it's happening every- where, Del. The bottom's fallen out of this game. It's the government and their moral crusade - that and all the public information films on the telly. Del Listen, Barry - now you're a businessman who knows a bargain when you see one. (Referring to the dolls) Now these are the finest quality, top of the range. They normally retail around the 70 quid mark. I'm selling 'em for 30 nicker each. Barry Yeah, you're right, Del. They are cheap. Someone's gonna get a bargain. Del No, no, not someone, Barry, not someone: you! Barry No can do, Del. See, I had a visit from the council yesterday. They've revoked me licence. Closed me down. Del What? Barry I'm out of business. Del Twenty quid each, take 'em off me. Barry I don't want 'em. Last night I had about 400 of them things. I sold 'em all this morning for 15 quid each. Del So where can I sell 'em then? What about Soho? Barry You won't have any joy there, mate. Their stockrooms are full. We sold 'em all our gear this morning. Nah I tell you, Maggie Thatcher's ruined this business. Albert At least someone's got something good to say about her! Del He's an old sailor. He's still got a bit of depth charge lodged in his brain. Come on, Brother Albert. EXT. THE YARD AND ALLEY. NIGHT. FILM. Del exits from the shop carrying the dolls. He makes his way down towards the van. As he approaches the van, Albert has left the back door open and is just climbing into the passenger seat. Del puts the dolls in the back of the van. He closes the back door and gets into the driver's seat. We now have a shot looking directly into the windscreen of the van. Del and Albert are facing us and are unaware of the fact that behind them the two dolls are also facing the camera. The dolls' lightness is making them wobble with each movement of the van. It looks as if they are listening in on the conversation. Del Just my luck, innit? If I could have bought them dolls a couple of days ago I could have outed 'em. Instead of that, Dirty Barry and his mates have flooded the market. And while they've got rid of their stock I'm lumbered here with Polythene Pam and Vinyl Vera. One of the dolls fall forward shrugging Del. Del (Cont'd) (To Doll) Get off, I've got an 'ead- ache! Albert That's God's punishment, that is! Del Will you stop going on about God and voodoo and all that? You'll be shaking bones and waving shrunken heads about next. Oh, I know, I know what to do. We'll hang on to 'em 'til the market picks up. I mean, it's only like the stock exchange, innit, you know, up and down, supply and demand, constantly fluctuating. We'll hang on to 'em and wait for the big bang! Del smiles, satisfied with his plan. He starts the engine and pulls away. INT. UP-MARKET HAMBURGER RESTAURANT. NIGHT. FILM. Rodney and Cassandra have finished their meal. They leave the table and walk over to the coat rack. Waiter Goodnight, sir, madam. Thank you. Rodney Thank you. Cassandra Can I give you a lift home? Rodney Oh, no thank you. My mum warned me about girls like you. The lift home's all very well but you'll expect a lot more than a good night kiss, won't you? And I'm not that sort of boy. Cassandra And I thought you were a cert! Look, I promise I won't try and unbutton your shirt or take your string vest off. Rodney Nah it's alright. If you give me a lift home you've got to go all round the one-way system, haven't ya? I'll take a short cut through the market. Cassandra If you're sure. You be careful, though. Rodney Oh, look, the baddies don't frighten me. I'm street-wise aren't I? Cassandra Good! (Kisses him gently) And watch out for unexploded inflatable dolls. Cassandra smiles. Rodney's smile is wiped from his face and replaced with a look of horror. Rodney What? Cassandra Didn't you see it on the news tonight? Rodney No, our telly's on the blink. Why, what did they say? Cassandra You know like those creepy blow-up dolls you can buy? Rodney Yeah, well I've heard about them. Cassandra There's a factory in Deptford that makes them and appar- ently a whole batch of them has gone missing that were accidentally filled with an explosive gas. Rodney is sick with worry but puts on a really false laugh. Cassandra (Cont'd) We shouldn't laugh! Rodney No, we shouldn't! Cassandra They could prove potentially dangerous! Rodney Look, Cassandra, I've gotta go. I don't feel very well! Cassandra What's wrong with you? Waiter Anything the matter, sir? Rodney I feel a bit sick, that's all. (To Cassandra) Look, I'll phone you, OK? Cassandra Yes! Rodney exits, quickly. A worried Cassandra follows him out. Waiter (To second waiter) That's the third complaint tonight. Where did we get those tomatoes from? The second waiter shrugs. EXT. THE NYERERE ESTATE. NIGHT. FILM. The doors burst open and Del and Rodney exit carrying the two dolls that are still in Mum's clothes. Rodney has one of those plastic bottles (plant spray) and he is spraying cold water over both dolls. They rush to the van. Del You better not be having me on, Rodney! Rodney I'm not Del, honest! Del I'll whack you straight in the mouth if you're pulling my leg! They throw the dolls in the back of the van. They jump into the van, Del in passenger seat, Rodney in driver seat. Del (Cont'd) Explosive gas! I've never heard of anything so daft! Rodney Shuddup and keep spraying! EXT. AN AREA OF DERELICT GROUND. NIGHT. FILM. Two winos are seated by an open fire sharing a bottle of sherry. The Trotters' van comes roaring and bumping its way across the ground. It pulls up close to the winos and Del and Rodney alight. They tear open the back door and drag the dolls out. Holding the dolls under the arms, so that their feet are dragging along the ground, Rodney and Del run away across the ground to a safe distance. They now throw the dolls down an embankment or ditch or lower ground and then move a few yards back to safety. Del (To winos) It's alright - just dropping them off. The whinos have witnessed all this and are wearing incredulous expressions. Del and Rodney now wait, staring in the direction of the dolls. Del shoots a couple of glances at Rodney. Del Thought you said you heard a soosing sound? Rodney They were Del. They were making a funny noise, like something was gonna happen! Del Well, the only thing that's happened so far is poor old Mum's clothing's got all dirty! I shall have to take it all down the dry-cleaners now! Rodney Del, them dolls are dangerous! They've been on the news, everywhere! Del How d'you know it was those dolls that they were talking about? Rodney I know, right, I just know! Del Well, the only thing that I know is I've got 60 quid laying out over there and us two are hanging about here like a couple of spare ones at a wedding. I've had enough of this, come on! Del starts walking towards the dolls as they explode. Del and Rodney dive for cover and the two winos look on incredulously, mud and brick-dust landing all around them. Del and Rodney pick themselves up. Rodney (Childishly) See! Del I told 'em not to have the mutton vindaloo! Blimey, that could have gone off anytime, Rodders! Del and Rodney make their way back to the van. Rodney I know! We only just got rid of them in time! We was well lucky. Del No, it's not luck, Rodney. It's Mum. Rodney Mum? Del Yeah, she's up there some- where watching over us. Rodney Oh - yeah. We now hear the sound of an air-bubble coming to the surface. Del (Indicating Rodney's stomach) The old April going is it? The cardboard box containing the rest of the dolls is in the back of the van. With a loud pop an oriental, female, plastic head pops up out of the box. Del and Rodney cry out in alarm and start to get out of the van.


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