INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE/KITCHEN. DAY. STUDIO.
The table is laid for breakfast. Close to the door that
leads to the bedrooms area, we have two fridges which
are standing next to each other. Laying on the sofa is
an empty cardboard box which has the words: "Matzuki.
Video recorder" printed across it. We find Del and
Albert over by the TVs studying the video recorder
which is already plugged into the TVs.
Del is trying to make it work. He presses various
buttons and is obviously confused but is trying to put
a brave face on things.
Lights and digital numbers are flashing on and off on
the machine.
Del
This machine is gonna change
our lives.
Albert
Good.
Del
This is top-of-the-range hi-
tech.
Albert
You can see that by all them
lights.
Del
Yeah, yeah. I don't know how
we've managed so long without
one.
Albert
Nor do I...What is it?
Del
What...what is it? It's a
videotape recorder. It's got
a little computer and
everything. When you go on
your holidays this thing
will record all your
favourite shows for you.
Albert
Amazing.
Del
Nothing but the best.
Albert
How does it know you're on
holiday?
Del
You send it a postcard, don't
ya? You programme its little
computer, you daft old...
Del presses more buttons.
Albert
No luck, eh?
Del
It won't take me long. I'm a
bit of a natural when it
comes to technological
things. I just got to get
used to all its...er...its
functions and its modes.
Albert
I thought the bloke you
bought it from said an idiot
could work it.
Del
Yes!
(Shouts)
Rodneeeey! Come on, shake a
leg, it's gone six o'clock.
Rodney enters from the bedroom area. He wears his working
gear and moves in half-asleep, zombie-like fashion. His
hair is in a 'just got out of bed' style.
Rodney
Yes, alright. Keep the noise
down, will you?
Rodney shuffles to the breakfast table. Del watches
him.
Del
Cor blimey, look at the state
of that. I've seen blokes
crawl out of potholes looking
better than that.
Albert
You got in late last night,
son. Out with that little
bird of yours? What's her
name - Cassandra?
Rodney
That's right. Cassandra and I
went to a concert at the
Royal Albert Hall.
Albert
Yeah? That takes me back. I
used to go up there whenever
I was on home leave. I saw
some of the best there,
Rodney.
(To Del)
Here, here, you ever heard of
John Barbirolli?
Del
Yes, course I have.
Albert
Sir John was one of the greats.
Del
Yeah, Barbra and Ollie were
pretty good an' all.
Albert and Rodney look at each other in disbelief.
Albert
I saw 'em all, Rodney. Adrian
Boult, Sir Malcom Sargent -
wonderful times...Who'd you
see?
Rodney
Eric Clapton.
Albert
Eric Clapton? He's a new one
on me. Del Boy's got himself
a video recorder.
Rodney
Oh yeah? Yeah, there was an
interesting article in the
paper the other day. Did you
know that Taiwan is the only
country in the world that
don't have any rubbish
dumps; they just send it all
to him.
Del
Oi, oi, oi. That's enough of
that. This is none of yer
Taiwan junk. This was made in
Formosa!
Rodney and Albert react.
Albert
But Formosa is...
Rodney
Albert, please don't confuse
the issue!
Del
Is what?
Rodney
Is one of the world's leading
manufacturers of audio/visual
equipment.
Del
And video recorders!
Rodney
And video recorders.
Albert
D'you want some breakfast, Del?
Del
No thanks Albert. Breakfast
is for wimps.
Albert
Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, I'm starving.
Albert exits to kitchen, dum-dumming the 1812 overture.
Del
Well, you know where I was
last night while you was up
at the Albert Hall, head-
banging? I was having a
drink with the managing
director of the Advanced
Electronics Research and
Development Centre!
Rodney
Didn't that used to be
Ron's Cash and Carry?
Del
Yeah, yeah, that's right,
but he changed the name.
That bloke's come on a
bundle in the last few
years. That man is at the
front of new technological
frontiers. He's got a
Queen's Award for industry
plaque.
Rodney
I know. I was there when
you sold it to him.
Del
Exactly! You and I, we both
know it's a snide one but
the punters don't! They're
impressed by the image. And
that's what today's modern
business world is all about
- image. You see, the right
appearance can fool the
customer, right? Now, take
me for instance. I'm a
perfect example.
Rodney
But you look exactly what
you are.
Del
Well, thank you very much.
It's only 'cos I've got the
right image. No, I mean, it's
the little things, you know,
it's like me aluminium
briefcase there, me Mercedes
key-ring, me Filofax. When
people see these things they
know exactly what I am.
Rodney
It is a bit of a givaway,
innit?
Del
Better than a Mason's hand-
shake, bruv! It's like me
jewellery. Se, now a half-
sovereign ring can say a lot
about a man.
Rodney
Combined with a medallion, it
speaks volumes.
Del
Exactly! Now we're talking
the same language aren't we
eh?
Albert opens door from kitchen. He is carrying a packet
of cornflakes.
Del
(Cont'd)
Hold it right there! Now look
at Albert, Rodney. As you see
him standing there, what is
the first thing that comes to
your mind?
Rodney
Why have I got bloody corn-
flakes again?
Albert
It's 'cos I can't get any
food in that fridge. It's
full up with tomatoes he
bought last week!
Del
Alright, alright, I'm gonna
get rid of them today, aren't
I?
(To Rodney)
No, I'm talking image-wise,
aren't I?
(Referring to
Albert)
That says to me, here is a
man who has worked hard all
his life for an honest crust.
Here is a man of strong
principles, here is a man
you can trust. You see what
I'm saying - you see how
easy it is to fool people,
eh? All you've got to do is
have the right image. And
that's what you've got to
work on, Rodney.
Rodney
Are you saying I've got to
get an image?
Del
No, what I'm saying is you've
got to get rid of one! Look
at me Rodders. You see, I
wear a trendy trenchcoat,
Gordon Gekko braces - you
wear a lumberjack's coat and
Gordon Bennett boots. My
image says: 'I'm going right
to the top, flat out!' Your
image says: 'I'm going back
to bed 'cos I'm shagged out!'
You've got to be dynamic,
Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, alright then.
Del exits to the kitchen and opens the fridge which is
filled to the top with boxes of tomatoes. He takes
some of the boxes out as he talks.
Del
I was being dynamic last
night over at Ron's Cash...
over the Advanced Electronics
Research and Development
Centre. I was where the big
business opportunities occur
and I was in a position to
snap 'em up.
Cut to lounge.
Rodney
And what exactly did you snap
up?
Albert
That video recorder.
Rodney
I bet the Financial Times
index has gone through the
roof!
Del enters carrying the boxes which he places on top of
the other fridges.
Del
No, I didn't just buy one -
I bought 50 of 'em, rest of
them are in the garage. I
paid 50 quid each!
Albert
But that's two and a half
grand! Where'd you get two
and a half grand from?
Del
I didn't. I got 'em on the
knock, you know, buy now,
pay later. When I sell 'em
Ronnie Nelson'll get his
money.
Rodney
But 50 quid each!
Del
Mm.
Rodney
Well, they've got to be hooky!
Del
No, they are not hooky.
Del enters and takes some more boxes of tomatoes from
the fridge.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, the reason why they're
so cheap is because they come
from a consignment into which
the manufacturers put the
wrong instructions.
Cut to lounge.
Rodney
Oh great! So how are you gonna
operate a video recorder with
the instructions for a
sandwich toaster?
Del enters from the kitchen with more boxes.
Del
I'm not - you are.
Rodney
What?
Albert
Well, you're the one who's
taking a diploma course in
computer science - again!
Del
Yes, that's right, so
programming a soppy little
thing like that ought to be
a doddle for someone of your
talents.
Rodney
Yes, alright, I'll do it for
you.
Del
Ah good boy, good boy. You
know it makes sense. Listen,
I want you to record a
programme for me on ITV
called City News. It's all
about mega-powered business,
Wall Street, big bangs and
all that.
Rodney
You on it?
Del
You know, I think a surgical
collar will suit you.
Talking about suits, I want
you to wear yours today. I
want you to look really
snappy for the punters, you
know, with-it. We've got a
high-profile image.
Rodney
High profile? The only
thing we've got that's high
is this flat!
Del
Look I've got an important
phone call to make, so will
you two take them tomatoes
down to the van?
Rodney and Albert sigh heavily and then pick up a
couple of boxes each.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, and don't forget the
rest, alright?
He opens the two fridges and we see they are full of
boxes of tomatoes. Del exits to the bedroom area,
carrying his cordless phone.
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY. STUDIO.
The pub is fairly crowded with mainly market workers,
but at the far end of the counter sits a yuppy estate
agent, Adrian, and his girlfriend. She is eating a
salad.
Also seated at the bar and some distance from the
yuppies is Denzil, who is dressed in his lorry
driving clothes. We see Mike, who is standing
towards the back of the bar and out of the yuppies'
vision.
Standing on a heater plate we have a large casserole
pot, from which Mike is spooning beef stew into two
identical bowls. He carries them carefully to the
front of the bar, and places one down in front of
Denzil.
Mike
There's your stew Denzil.
That's a pound.
Denzil
Cheers. I'll get you on the
way back.
Mike moves along the bar to a yuppy with the second bowl.
Mike
(Calling to
yuppy)
Boeuf bourguignonne? That's
two pound seventy five.
Adrian
Oh that's super.
Mike
Bon appetite.
Mike moves back down the bar to Denzil.
Mike
So how's life treating you
then, Denz?
Denzil
The same as Paxo treats a
turkey!
Mike
Bad as that, eh?
Denzil
Well, whatever happened to
'good news' eh? Has it been
privatised or something?
Mike
Here, I heard you'd started
your own haulage company -
Transworld Express. Any time,
any load, anywhere.
Denzil
That's right, but I've only
got a Transit.
Mike
A transit! So why all the
big, world wide slogans?
Denzil
Well, I wanted to call it the
Peckham Courier Service.
Parcels, small boxes, that
sort of thing. Then I bumped
into Del.
Mike
Oh don't tell me. Image,
yeah?
Denzil
Yes. He said, 'There is no
place in the modern business
world for small thinkers;
you have gotta be big, brave
and brazen'.
Mike
Why'd you listen to him?
Denzil
Well, I keep telling myself I
shouldn't take no notice of
him but Del insists! Does he
still drink in here?
Mike
Yeah, occasionally. But since
the yuppies gentrified
Peckham he's been hanging
round the wine bars and
bistros. Of course, one by
one they're barring him.
Denzil
Well, they're bound to,
aren't they?
Mike indicates towards the yuppies.
Mike
See them over there? They
only come in here to avoid
him.
Denzil
I saw Rodney this morning. He
was wearing a suit.
Mike
Someone must have died! There
ain't much good news around,
is there?
Del
Denzil, my 'ole mate!
Denzil
I was just going, Del!
Del
No, not until I've bought you
a drink, you're not. Here
pina colada for me, please,
Michael; same again for
Denzil. You wanna clean your
pipes out more often. Listen
Michael, listen to me. I've
just come back from
Folkstone. I've got 25, ten-
kilo boxes of fresh Jersey
tomatoes, straight off the
ferry, still got the dew on
'em. Two pound fifty a box,
what do you say? Do your
salads up a treat.
Mike
What, two pound fifty a box?
Del
Yup.
Mike
Go on then, Del, I'll have
one.
Del
I put three boxes aside for
you. Rodney's on his way down
with 'em. Let's sit at the
table Denzil. Tell me what
you've been up to.
Denzil and Del move to a table. As they do so, Del spots
the two yuppies.
Del
Ah Chloe, Adrian, how nice to
see you again.
Adrian
(Quietly to
girlfriend)
Oh God, it's him.
(Flatly to Del)
Hello.
Del and Denzil sit at the table.
Del
My sort of people.
Denzil
You mean the bistro kids?
Del
Ah yeah. Me and old Adrian
were in the wine bar the
other night debating the
Trust House Forte/Cunard
merger. Oh yeah, that's the
sort of thing I like these
days, you know Denzil, the
cut and thrust, to and fro
of an honest, well-honed
argument. I regret it now,
but I ended up clumping
him. But it's all forgot-
ten about now eh?
Denzil
Perrier water under the
bridge eh?
Del
Yeah.
Mike hands over the drinks.
Del
Oh, cheers Mike.
Rodney enters. He is wearing a light grey, modern suit.
We can only see his trousers as the three boxes of
tomatoes he is carrying obscure his jacket from view.
He glares angrily at Del as he thumps the boxes down
on the counter. He turns and we see his suit jacket has
numerous juicy, gooey tomato stains.
Rodney
Just look at me! I'm
supposed to be going out in
this tonight.
Del
Well you've ruined it,
haven't yer?
Rodney
This is your fault! It's all
so I could present an image.
Well, I am presenting an
image, I'm presenting the
image of someone who's got
tomato stains all over him!
Del
That'll come off! Mike, give
him something to wipe that
up with, will ya?
Mike
How about a slice of bread?
Rodney
I need him, don't I? I bloody
need him!
Denzil
That was a nice suit this
morning, Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, I know it was. Gawd
knows how I'm gonna get it
clean for tonight! I'll have
to cancel my date with
Cassandra and that'll ruin
my evening and she might
meet a geezer who isn't
covered in tomato juice and
that'll ruin my life and
it's all your fault!
Del
Oh shut up and sit down, you
big old brass!
Mike
(To Denzil)
Here, Denzil, tell Rodney
about your luck. That should
cheer him up.
Del
(To Denzil)
'Ere, what's that? No luck,
me old mate?
Denzil
Oh no, Del, lots of luck -
and all bad! Last Friday
was mine and Corinne's
anniversary.
Del
Oh my Gawd!
Denzil
No, Del, that's not the bad
luck.
Del
Oh sorry.
Denzil
See a while back I got this
contract with this plastics
factory over Deptford. They
make garden furniture,
camping equipment, toys, the
lot.
Del
Oh yeah?
Denzil
Yeah.
Del
Carry on.
Denzil
Yeah, well Friday afternoon I
got this urgent call from the
factory to go to a shop in
High Wycombe and pick up 50
dolls. They were being
returned, faulty stock. But
it's my anniversary - isn't
it? - and I've promised to
take Corinne out for the
evening. By the time I have
got through all the rush-hour
traffic it's half-past six
and I've still got all the
dolls on board - so what do I
do? Take 'em back to the
factory like I'm supposed to
and let Corinne down, or
leave 'em on the truck until
Monday and hope no one twigs?
Del
Oh well, it's obvious, innit?
You let Corinne down.
Rodney
No. How can the return of
faulty dolls be urgent? I'd
have left 'em on me truck
'til Monday.
Denzil
That's exactly what I did.
And what happens? The
factory went up in flames.
Exploded, by all accounts.
Normally I can carry on
working for them because
they've got other depots,
but tomorrow morning I have
got to hand in this
unsigned docket which
proves I collected the
dolls but also proves that
I didn't deliver them. When
the governors find out they
are either gonna think that
I have become unreliable
or, worse still, that I am
on the thieve!
Rodney
Yeah, it's a problem, innit
Denzil?
Denzil
Yeah.
Del
It's no problem. Are you two
gonna be plonkers for the
rest of your lives? This is
no stroke of bad luck, this
is a gift from the gods!
Give us that here.
Del grabs the docket from Denzil and writes on it.
Denzil
What d'you think you're
doing?
Del
I'm getting you out of
schtuck and in the money,
right? Right now, listen,
I've signed that docket and
put on Friday's date. They'll
be too busy to check this.
Now, as far as anyone's
concerned all them dolls went
up in flames with the rest
of the factory. Them dolls on
the back of your truck no
longer exist. This means that
the owners will get more
insurance money, you get an
empty truck plus a hundred
nicker bunce. Me and the
Tomato Kid here get 50
dollies to flog down the
market and the great British
public have another bargain
of a lifetime! Everyone's a
winner! Petit dejeuner!
(Picking up
Denzil's keys)
Alright? I am now gonna
empty your van into ours. See
you later, Denzil. Tata Mike.
Ciao, Chloe, Adrian.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. STUDIO.
We have a large cardboard box which contains the dolls.
The box has a consignment number printed across it.
Albert has a knife or a pair of scissors and is cutting
through the tape on top of the box.
Rodney is wiping the tomato stains from his suit with
a damp cloth.
Del is replacing a few left-over boxes of tomatoes in
fridges.
Albert
How much d'you pay for 'em?
Del
Two quid a piece. We might be
able to knock 'em out for a
tenner a go, that's four
hundred smackers profit, eh?
Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney
You've just bought 50 dolls
that have got something wrong
with 'em.
Del
But you know what these
quality-control geezers are
like. One tiny little
scratch on 'em and they
stamp 'em 'Reject!'
Albert
What about them dolls you
were selling at Christmas?
Del
There was nothing wrong with
them dolls, was there? You
laid 'em back like in your
arms like that, they closed
their little eyes and they
looked exactly as if they
was asleep.
Rodney
Yeah, and we had to try 'n'
keep 'em closed, didn't we?
'Cos when you opened 'em
they was boss-eyed!
Del
Yeah, well, they had put the
eyes in the wrong way round,
I grant ya, that's why they
were such a bargain. Anyway
the kids loved 'em. All
except that little one who
had nightmares and I think
she was a bit funny to begin
with. Anyway, these are
probably Barbie or Sindy
dolls, top of the range.
Rodney is reading the delivery docket.
Rodney
Del, these dolls ain't called
Barbie or Sindy. These dolls
are called Lusty Linda and
Erotic Estelle.
Del
You can't have dolls with
names like that!
Rodney
You can if you go to the right
shops!
Albert now produces one of the dolls. It unfolds to its
full height. It is one of those life-size, inflatable
sex dolls. Del and Rodney look horrified at each other.
Del
Bloody hell, what have we got
ourselves into here?
Rodney
Well, this is your fault,
innit? You never stop to ask
questions, do ya? You just go
crashing in and to hell with
the consequences!
Del
That is because I've got a
high profile.
Rodney
Yeah, high profile and low
forehead!
Albert
They're big for little dolls,
ain't they?
Rodney
No, Unc. They ain't ordinary
dolls. You get them
advertised in...
(Winking at
Albert)
...magazines!
Albert
Yeah? Where's that? Radio
Times?
Rodney
Oh for Gawd's sake, Albert,
have a day off, will yer? I
meant seedy magazines, for
kinky, sleazy little men.
Albert
You're pulling my leg.
Rodney
Oh am I??
Rodney takes out a rolled up girlie magazine from his
inside pocket and finds the appropriate page.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Have a look at that then!
Albert
He's right an' all Del!
Del
I know he is!
Del produces a second doll from a box. This one should
be a dusky colour.
Del
(Cont'd)
Blimey, look at this lot in
here. We've got more colours
in here than jelly babies!
Rodney
We're gonna have to get rid
of them a bit lively, Del.
Del
Yeah, you're right.
Albert
(Reading mag)
Look at the prices they sell
for - 60 quid each.
Del
On the other hand let's not
be too hasty, eh Rodney?
Rodney
Oi, come on, Del!
Del
No, you were the one who was
having a go at me just now
for making quick decisions,
weren't ya? Albert, let me
just have a look at that
magazine there.
Del hands his doll to Albert who now has both dolls.
Albert
Don't give 'em to me!
He throws both dolls down behind the fridges. They are
now out of sight.
Rodney
Del, we can't sell these!
Del
Rodney, Rodney, look at this.
These things, they sell for
60 quid each, don't they?
And these dolls are self-
inflating deluxe models, for
the more discerning weirdo.
Rodney
Or maybe they're specially
made for bronchial perverts.
Del
Rodney, if we could sell
these for just 30 quid each,
we'd make what? Fourteen
hundred pounds profit.
Rodney is about to say something but the figure of
fourteen hundred pounds stops him.
Del
That's fourteen hundred
lovely pounds split right
down the middle between you
and me. That means by this
time tomorrow you could
have 600 quid of your own
on your hip. And I know
who'll buy 'em off us.
Rodney
Who?
Del
Dirty Barry.
Albert
Who's Dirty Barry?
Del
Well, he runs a little, um,
'personal' shop down the
Walworth Road and he'll take
the whole lot of us.
Rodney
And what happens if Cassandra
finds out?
Del
Why, does she want one?
Rodney
You know what I mean! She
won't wanna see me again,
will she?
Del
Well, how is she gonna find
out?
Albert
You stand a fair chance of
getting caught if you go
walking round the streets in
broad daylight with 'em!
Del
Well we won't, will we? We'll
go down there tonight with
'em, he stays open 'til about
eight o'clock.
Albert
Just get 'em out of here as
quick as you can. I don't
like the idea of sharing my
home with these evil little
things that'll bring nothing
but bad luck.
Del
Now you know how me and
Rodney felt the day you moved
in!
Rodney
I don't want nothing to do
with them, Del.
Del
Look, we're supposed traders,
aren't we? All we're doing is
trading! This is just a one-
off deal, that's all. I mean,
people make a living out of
this sorta thing, it's big
business an' all, innit? I
mean, you read about it in
the Sunday papers, don't ya?
All those MPs and vicars all
going off to them vice dens
up in Soho to get whipped
and beaten up and they pay
200 quid, you know, for the
privilege an' all. And,
blimey, they wanna walk
round this estate one night,
they'd get it done free and
on the national health.
Albert
Yeah, but them sort of people
are sick!
Del
Yes, I know! But they're
still human beings! I mean,
if some pervo wants to get it
going with 'arf a pound of
latex and a lump of oxygen,
well that's his business. As
far as I'm concerned he can
have a meaningful relation-
ship with a...with a barrage
balloon.
Rodney
As long as it's in the
privacy of his own hanger?
Del
Exactly. Now, listen, I'm
gonna give Dirty Barry a bell
and tell him to hang on for
us tonight.
Albert
Rodney, tell me the truth.
You couldn't honestly go out
and sell them horrible
dolls, could ya?
Rodney
To be honest with you, Unc,
no I couldn't!
Del
Barry - Del Boy.
Rodney
But I know a man who can.
INT. A CHINESE TAKE-AWAY. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Like every Chinese take-away in the country, this one
has a TV blaring in the corner. Denzil is at the
counter and there are a few other customers behind
him.
From the TV, we hear the end theme music from the BBC
Six O’clock news, followed by the theme music from
the South East News.
The Chinese owner approaches Denzil.
Chinese Owner
That's five pounds and fifty-
four pence.
Denzil
Cheers.
Chinese Owner
It's almost ready. I fetch
for you.
The Chinese owner disappears into the kitchen and
Denzil turns to watch TV.
We now see the presenter of South East News on the
screen.
Presenter
Good evening. Police in South
London have warned the public
to be on the lookout for 50
life-size inflatable dolls
which went missing from a
factory in Deptford over the
weekend. A police spokesman
today said that, due to a
technical error, the dolls
have been loaded with gases
which include the highly
explosive and volatile gas,
propane.
Denzil
Dear God!
On the television screen we have news film of a burnt
out factory.
Presenter
(Over film)
...The factory which manufac-
tures them was burnt to the
ground on Saturday night and
experts suspect the fire may
have been caused by the
presence of propane. The
theft came to light when
security men noticed a
forged signature on a
delivery docket. Police have
warned that the dolls are
potentially lethal,
particularly when exposed to
heat, and have appealed for
their immediate return.
As the Chinese owner enters from the kitchen with
Denzil's takeaway, Denzil rushes out of the door.
Chinese Owner
(Calls)
Your food is ready.
(To another
customer)
Usually they take the food
and run off without paying!
This guy's got it all
wrong!
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
The main light is off and only side lights show.
Rodney is in the process of getting ready to go out. He
wears boxer shorts and socks. His shirt is unbuttoned
and revealing a vest.
Del is over by the video recorder. He is jacketless but
obviously dressed to go out and still wearing his red
braces.
Albert is seated watching the TV which is showing a
schools programme concerning St Paul's Cathedral.
Del
I don't believe it! I knew I
shouldn't have trusted you,
Rodney!
Rodney
Look, I've already told you.
There is something wrong
with that machine.
Del
(To Albert)
I asked him to set this to
record a programme on ITV
called City News. What have
I got? Open University on
BBC2! So instead of keeping
my fingers on the ever-
changing pulse of the stock
market, I am watching
Christopher dopey Wren on
how he built St Paul's
Cathedral!
Albert
I think it's interesting.
Del
Yeah, you would. You were
most probably around when he
applied for planning
permission!
Rodney
It's nippy in ere, innit? Is
it alright if I turn the
thermostat up?
Del
You sure it's not too tech-
nical for you?
Rodney gives him a sneer and switches the wall thermo-
stat up. He returns to the mirror.
Del is now pressing various buttons on the video
recorder. He presses one and the screen goes blank.
Del
Oh you dipstick, Rodney, now
look what you've done?
Rodney
Me?
Albert
I thought Rodney knew about
videos.
Del
Yeah, Emmanuelle In Bangkok
and that's about it.
Rodney
I programmed that computer to
record the programme you
wanted. Now it's not my fault
if it decided to record
something else, is it? That
machine is...
Rodney is trying to think of the correct technical term.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
...up the wall!
Del
You're tryna blind me with
science now, ain't you?
Albert
Personally I think these
computers are more trouble
than they're worth.
Rodney
How'd you figure that out?
Albert
There was a film on earlier
all about computers.
Rodney
You're joking? Oh I wish I'd
recorded it.
Del
Oh hang around, Rodney, you
most probably did.
Albert
It was called War Games. It
was all about this soppy kid
who messes around with
computers. Then one day he
broke into the computer that
controls the American
nuclear defence system. He
almost got us into World
War Three!
Del
No chance of that happening
with Rodney, is there?
World War Three! This
plonker can't even get
channel three!
Rodney brandishes the instructions pamphlet.
Rodney
Have you read the instruc-
tions to your video recorder?
Del
No, I haven't actually read
them.
Rodney
Well, why don't you do that
small thing Derek? I think
you'll find it very
interesting. Because we have
instructions in German,
Spanish, French and Italian
and not one single word in
English! And that's why your
machine don't work. It was
made strictly for sale in
Europe!
Del
But we're in Europe now, we
joined the Common Market.
Rodney
Yes, I know that, but we've
got a different electrical
system to the rest of Europe
and that's why your machine
is on the blink. Its
components are burning out.
It is what's technically
known as 'knackered!' Ronnie
Nelson's tucked you up.
Del is devastated. He flops down at table.
Del
Oh Bloody Hell! Well, that's
all I need, innit?
Albert
You won't be able to sell the
others now, Del.
Del
Too late, Unc. I sold 'em all
this afternoon!
Rodney
You sold 'em?
Mm, 70... er... 60 quid each,
Rodney.
Rodney
You'll have to give the money
back!
Del
Why?
Rodney
Because they don't work!
Del
Well, what does he expect for
60 quid! I mean, I've been
tucked up. I'm just passing
it on, that's all. Don't
worry about it, everything is
gonna be cushty.
Rodney
You are something else, you
are!
Del
You're too picky, Rodney,
that's your trouble.
Del now reads the pamphlet while a sulky Rodney continues
getting ready. Albert is reading a newspaper.
The silence is now broken by a six-second-long sound-
like air escaping from a narrow gap in the valve of a
balloon.
Del and Rodney look at each other ad then at Albert who
reacts offended.
Del
What was that funny sound?
Albert
I don't know. What you looking
at me for?
Rodney
Well, most funny sounds in
this flat tend to emanate from
your vicinity.
Albert
Well I didn't do it!
Del and Rodney shrug - it's a
mystery but anyone living on
their estate is used to odd
noises.
We now hear the same sound only this time it comes in
short sharp bursts.
Del
What is that noise?
Rodney
Oi, sshh!
Now the three of them are listening intently. Their eyes
scour the room. We can hear a hissing sound followed by
a sound similar to a large air bubble rushing to the
surface and then a loud plastic pop.
With the 'pop' the head and shoulders of the white doll
appear above the top of the fridges. It happens suddenly
so that the dolls' appearance is frightening.
The Trotters' react with cries of alarm and rush for
the hall door and end up squashed against the door,
looking in wide-eyed horror at the apparition.
Del
What's happening, what's
happening, Rodney?
Rodney
How the hell should I know?
The Trotters re-enter the flat.
Del
You're the one with the GCEs!
Albert
It's come alive, that's what's
happened!
Rodney
Come alive! What'd you think
this is. Pinocchio?
Albert
I've seen this happen before!
Years ago, I was in Jamaica
and I saw a voodoo ceremony.
This witch-doctor ran his
hands over a dead cat and it
come back to life!
Del
Yeah? Pity he don't live
round here; he could have a
go at my video!
Now we hear the bubbling and hissing sounds again. Now,
with a pop, the dusky doll appears above the fridges.
Del
That's you, that is, talking
about Jamaica, look!
(Cautiously approaching
the dolls)
I don't understand it. I
thought you were supposed to
pull a string or press a
button or something to
inflate 'em!
Rodney
So did I... They're right
next to the hot-air duct.
Well, that must have caused
it. See, they must have a
little canister of gas
inside 'em and the heat set
'em off.
(To Albert)
Why d'you go and stick 'em
next to the hot-air duct?
Albert
I didn't know the heat would
do that! Anyway, you're the
one that switched the
thermostat up!
Rodney
Well, I didn't know the heat
would do that either!
Del
Yes, alright, alright you
two, now just pack it in, for
Gawd's sake, will ya?
Whatever will our guests
think? Ugly mares, ain't
they?
Rodney
Seen you with worse.
Del
Rodney, you're gonna op an
unfortunate one in a minute.
Albert
Listen, we can't stand here
arguing. We've gotta do
something before the black
and white minstrels pop up!
Del
Alright, don't panic, don't
panic. We'll just deflate
'em.
Albert
How?
Rodney
Well, they're bound to have a
little valve on 'em ain't
they?
Del
Yeah, that's right.
They remain looking at the dolls, each of them afraid
to make their first move.
Del
(Cont'd)
Go then Rodney, have a look
for it.
Rodney
I'm not looking for it!! It
could be anywhere!
Del looks to Albert.
Albert
And I ain't looking for it
either. Could be illegal.
Del
Well they ain't gonna call for
the police are they? Cor
blimey!
(To himself)
Do it yourself, Del Boy.
Del moves behind the cocktail bar and examines the dolls
without actually touching them.
Del
(Cont'd)
There it is, right on the back
there. Give us a matchstick
Albert.
Albert produces his pipe and tobacco from which he takes
a box of matches.
Del
(Cont'd)
Here y'are Rodney, have a go
at that one.
Del is now pushing the matchstick into the dusky doll's
valve.
Rodney is doing likewise to the white doll.
Del
(Cont'd)
Does Cassandra let you do
this?
Rodney
Shut up!
Del
Nothing's happening.
Rodney
Nah, same here.
Albert
Maybe they're dodgy valves!
We used to get it on the
rubber dinghies in the navy.
Del
Oh yeah, how can you tell?
Albert
Well, once they're up they
won't come down.
Rodney
Well, you remember what
Denzil said? They were faulty
goods. He was taking them
back to the factory. It must
have been the valves that
were faulty!
Del
Well, how we gonna let 'em
down?
Rodney
How should I know?
Albert
Can't you stick pins in 'em?
Del
You're back to your voodoo
again, aren't you? There's 60
quid in profit tied up in
these two.
Rodney
Oh look what's 60 notes, eh?
Come on, let's just burst
'em!
Rodney has picked up Del's smothered cigar from the
ashtray and is about to plunge it into one of the dolls.
Del
(Grabbing Rodney's
hand)
Rodney, Rodney, don't you
dare do that. Give me that
there. Cor, dear, your
mother would turn
somersaults in her grave if
she could see you doing
that. She did not bring us
up to throw good money
away, just 'cos we've got
a little problem! We'll
find a way in which we can
get 'em down to Dirty
Barry's.
Rodney
And how are you gonna explain
the fact that they are fully
inflated?
Del
Well, I'll just say they're
samples. I'll say we blew
'em up so we could see 'em in
all their natural beauty!
We'll chuck 'em in the back
of the van. They'll be out of
sight then!
Albert
But how you gonna get 'em out
of this flat, down the
stairs, through the main
doors, right across the fore-
court to where the van's
parked without anyone seeing
you?
Del
I'll...I'll...
(To Rodney)
He always has to spoil every-
thing, don't he?
Rodney
He's got a point, though,
ain't he? I mean, there's
thousands of people on this
estate. Someone's bound to
notice you.
Del
Alright, alright. Give me
time. The first thing we've
gotta do is to get these into
another room. I mean, if that
bloke from the council turns
up to talk to us about buying
this flat, Gawd knows what
he'd think if he bumped into
Pepsi and Shirley here...
Albert, put these in Rodney's
room.
Rodney
What? No way! I've already
got a wardrobeful of Mum's
old clothes in my room. Them
two would just about take the
biscuit!
Del
Who's gonna see 'em?
Rodney
Well, in case I bring
Cassandra back. Put 'em in
your room.
Del
No, case I bring a bird back.
Put 'em in Albert's room.
Albert
Case I bring...
Albert realises that his argument holds no water.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Oh alright, put 'em in my room.
Albert moves round to the cocktail bar and picks up one
doll. Del picks up the other.
Rodney
I've gotta go and meet
Cassandra. I'll see you later.
Del
Alright, alright. Oi, Rodney,
just make sure you don't do
anything that might cause
embarrassment to our family.
Rodney turns and looks in disbelief as Del and Albert
stand there holding the dolls.
Rodney
Del, I don't think I could
do anything that would
cause embarrassment to our
family.
Del
Good boy, good boy. Mum'd
be proud of you. Mum!
That's it Rodney, I think
I've just worked out a way
how we can get these down
to Dirty Barry's!
Rodney
Oh no!
INT. THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Boycie and Trigger are seated at the bar. Boycie is
wearing his wide awake business clothes. He sips a gin
and tonic and puffs on a cheroot as he stares sternly
into nowhere, obviously contemplating some deal that
has not gone in his favour. Trigger is wearing his
council donkey-jacket and eats a cheese salad and sips
a flat pint.
There is a pause as they both stare directly ahead,
Boycie angrily and Trigger blankly.
They are the only people in the pub except for Mike.
Trigger
These tomatoes are a bit
manky, ain't they, Mike?
Still, they make your beer
taste better.
Mike
I'll have you know they were
fresh Jersey tomatoes!
Trigger
Oh yeah, when?
Mike
Why do you come in this pub,
Trig?
Trigger
(Thinking about
it)
For the company.
Boycie
Trigger doesn't have many
friends or opportunities for
social outlet. Every weekend
he goes down to the park and
throws bread to the ducks.
To him it's a dinner party.
So during the week he has a
straight choice between
sitting in the cemetery or
sitting in this pub.
Unfortunately, the cemetery
closes at six.
Mike
What is the matter with
everyone today? Trigger's
done nothing but moan,
you've got a face like a
constipated rat - at least
when Del Boy comes in he
cracks a joke and has a
laugh!
Boycie
It's due to the activities
of the aforementioned Del
Boy that I have a face like
a constipated rat! Derek
popped in to see me this
afternoon.
Trigger
How is he?
Boycie
A lot richer than before he
popped in to see me this
afternoon! He sold me some
video recorders for 70
quid each. I snapped 'em up.
Mike
For 70 nicker each! What they
fall off, the back of a
lorry?
Boycie
If they did, they were going
round a bend in Dusseldorf!
Mike
How d'you mean?
Boycie
I have just discovered that
these machines only work on
the continental current. To
make them work on the
British system would take a
transformer the size of a
suitcase and an electrician
of such genius that I'd have
to go head-hunting at Cape
Canaveral!
Trigger
Seventy nicker each?
Boycie
Eh?
Trigger
Those video recorders -
seventy nicker each?
Boycie
Yeah.
Trigger
I'll have one.
Boycie
No, no, Trig. See they only
work on a continental...
alright, I'll drop one round.
Trigger
Cheers, Boycie.
Denzil enters in a mad rush.
Denzil
Mike, Mike!
Even though the pub is virtually empty, Mike reacts in
the time honoured way of all landlords.
Mike
Hang on, hang on. I've only
got one pair of hands.
Denzil
Have you seen Del Boy?
Mike
No, no. He ain't been in this
evening.
Denzil
Oh bloody hell! I've gotta do
something really quick! Is
your phone working?
Boycie laughs at this ridiculous question.
Boycie
Is the phone working?
Mike
Look, we had a spot of bother
the other week. They tore the
wires out. But what's all the
panic?
Denzil
I sold Del some dolls -
inflatable dolls.
Boycie
Inflatable dolls?
Denzil
He didn't know they were
inflatable! I never knew they
were inflatable! I picked 'em
up from a place called
Playthings - I thought it was
a toy shop! Well, apparently
the police are looking for
them, they're dangerous!
They've been fitted with the
wrong gas cylinders. They're
full of something called
propane.
Mike
Propane?! Here, that's explo-
sive innit?
Denzil
Very! Del's got 50 little
time-bombs on his hands. If
them things get hot they are
Z! I'll drive round his
flat. I'll see you later.
Trigger
That's bad news, innit?
Boycie
Terrible!
Mike
That's tragic!
Now Boycie and Mike start to laugh.
EXT. THE NYERERE ESTATE. NIGHT. FILM.
We are at the main doors to Nelson Mandela House. The
three-wheeled van is parked 20 or so yards away.
The doors open and Albert, wearing his duffel coat and
carrying the box containing the uninflated dolls,
steps out and surveys the area.
Satisfied that no-one is looking, he calls back into
the building.
Albert
Hurry up then. It's all clear.
Albert steps further out, still maintaining a watchful
eye.
Now Del and Rodney exit from the building. Del is
wearing his trendy coat and carrying his filofax.
Rodney is wearing the suit from the previous scene.
They have their arms around the waists of the two
inflatable dolls which are dressed in mum's old clothes.
Joan Mavis Trotter died in 1964 and the clothes reflect
the era. She would have been a very fashion-conscious
woman although her tastes would have leaned towards
the gaudy. The dolls are both wearing hats and one of
them has been fitted with sun-glasses; the other wears
calf-length boots which swim around her skinny vinyl
legs.
As Del and Rodney exit from the building, the dolls'
legs just drag behind them. They stop at the top of
the steps. Del is trying to appear casual, as if he
and his girl are simply just taking in the night
air. Rodney is dying a thousand deaths.
Del breathes in the night air.
Del
Well, what a lovely evening.
Rodney can hardly talk as his facial muscles are paral-
ysed in a death grin.
Rodney
I'm gonna kill you!
Del
(To Albert)
Go and open the van.
(To Rodney)
It'll be alright as long as
we don't draw attention to
ourselves.
Rodney gestures with his head, his eyes indicating
upwards.
Rodney
Look!
We see a woman on the third floor balcony of the tower
block opposite.
She is taking her washing off a clothes horse. She
spots the Trotters and gives them a friendly wave.
Del waves back royally with his filofax. The woman
turns back to her clothes and then stops. She looks
back to the Trotters with an incredulous expression.
Del
Hurry up, Albert!
We see Albert at the van trying to open the back
door.
Albert
It's locked!
Del
Cor blimey! You got the keys,
Rodney??
Rodney fishes the keys from his pocket.
Rodney
(To Albert)
Yeah, here y'are. Hurry up.
Albert rushes back for the keys.
Del
Drive the van back over here,
Unc.
Albert
But I'm not insured.
Rodney
Well, don't have a crash then!
What if the police patrol
sees us?
Del
It's alright, these dolls
ain't hooky.
Rodney
I'm thinking more of a public
indecency charge! How you
gonna explain this in court?
Del
I shall tell the truth,
Rodney. I shall say, Yes, your
honour, the other evening my
brother and I decided to go
out for a drink with two
life-size inflatable dolls
which were wearing my late
mother's clothing. Can't put
you in prison for that,
Rodders.
Rodney
No, they'd chuck us in Broad-
moor. The Norman Bates wing,
most probably.
Del
Hold up.
We see an elderly black man, Clayton, approaching. He
wears a hat and a pair of quite thick glasses.
Clayton
Good evening, Derek.
Del feigns a female voice and waves the hand of his
doll partner as if to say hello.
Del
Good evening, Clayton.
Clayton
Good evening, Rodney.
Rodney
Evening, Mr Cooper.
Clayton
Good evening, ladies.
Del
(In high pitched
voice)
Good evening.
The van, Albert driving, pulls up next to Del and
Rodney. Albert opens the back door and the dolls are
thrown in the back unceremoniously.
Rodney
Right, that's me finished with
'em, OK?
Del
Here, just a minute. Oi,
ain't you coming down Dirty
Barry's with us?
Rodney
No, I ain't. I've got a date
with Cassandra.
Del
Look I had a date with that
Simone sort from the cut-
price butcher's and she had
a bag of liver for us. I've
knocked her on the head.
Business comes first.
Rodney
Well, I'm not knocking
Cassandra on the head. Look,
you bought 'em, he blew 'em
up, so it's YP Derek!
Del
YP?
Rodney
Your problem!
Del
(Under his
breath)
You dipstick! Come on, Albert,
get in the van.
Albert
Why have I gotta come in with
ya?
Del
I need you to help me carry
'em into Dirty Barry's.
Del climbs into the driver's seat and a reluctant Albert
gets into the passenger seat.
Del
(Cont’d)
Don't keep worrying. We're in
the van now. No one can see
'em.
Albert
I hope you're right.
Del
Trust me. Have I ever put you
wrong before?
Albert pulls the hood of his duffel coat over his head
and the van pulls away from camera. As it does so we
see the two dolls' faces peering out the back window.
The van turns a corner and out of view.
There is a tiny pause before Denzil's transit pulls
into shot and screeches to a halt. Denzil alights from
the van and rushes into the building.
INT. UP-MARKET HAMBURGER RESTAURANT. NIGHT. FILM.
This is not Wimpy, more Joe Allen. Rodney and Cassandra
are seated at a table.
The restaurant is quite crowded with the 25- to 35-year
-old set, all very casual. As we join Rodney and
Cassandra they are involved in a light-hearted
disagreement, lots of smiles and trying-not-to-laughs.
Cassandra
You are a liar, Rodney!
Rodney places a hand on his heart, mockingly serious.
Rodney
Oh Cassandra, that hurts me!
I have never told an untruth
in my life. I happen to come
from an extremely honest
family.
Cassandra
You told me you lived in a
great big house.
Rodney
Well, I do live in a great
big house@! Nelson Mandela
House - it's got about 70
flats in it. You can't get
much bigger than that!
Cassandra
I drove you home to where you
claimed to live and it most
certainly was not a council
estate! It was a mansion. I
mean there was a brand-new
Mercedes in the front and
most probably an Olympic-
sized swimming pool at the
back. The people that owned
the house came to the window
and you had the gall to wave
at them!
Rodney
Yes, I remember. And I swore
to myself that night that
never again would I go out
without my contact lenses!
Cassandra
Oh shut up!
The waiter arrives with their meals. Hamburger and
French fries for Rodney, hamburger and salad for
Cassandra.
Waiter
Enjoy your meal.
Rodney/Cassandra
Thank you.
Rodney
Well, you know when I saw
your house, it looked so nice
I decided to sprawns a bit.
Cassandra
You must have known I'd find
out.
Rodney
No. I didn't think I'd ever
see you again.
Cassandra
Why?
Rodney
Dunno, just didn't! I wanted
to see you again but did you
want to see me again?
Cassandra
Yes, I did.
Rodney
Why?
Cassandra
Because I thought you lived
in a great big house and had
a Mercedes!
(Smiling at
Rodney)
Why did you want to see me
again?
Rodney
Well, I wanted to see what
you looked like once I had
my contact lenses in.
Cassandra
And?
Rodney
Well, it's come as a great
disappointment, Cassandra.
I'm sorry.
Cassandra
Don't apologize. It happens
to me all the time. I meet a
guy, we get on well, he
regains his sight - end of
story.
Rodney
It's a tough world.
Cassandra nods in mock-sadness.
Cassandra
Mm!
They share a smile. Rodney is about to sip his beer.
Cassandra
(Cont'd)
I'd like to meet your brother.
Rodney
(Incredulous)
Why?
Cassandra
It's just the things you've
told me about him. He seems
like an interesting kind of
person.
Rodney
Yes, Del can sometimes be
interesting. But most of the
time he's just baffling!
EXT. A YARD IN AN OLDER PART OF DOWNTOWN LONDON. NIGHT.
FILM.
The yard is reached through an alley which is not wide
enough to drive the van down.
The van parked at the top of the alley Del is walking
down through the alley carrying the two dolls
horizontally under the arms.
Albert, still with the hood of his duffel coat pulled
up, follows with the cardboard box containing the rest
of the dolls.
They arrive at a grubby door, a sign above which
reads: "Ecstasy. (Suppliers of adult requisites) Trade
Entrance."
Del
(Referring to
Albert's hood)
Take that thing off will you?
You look like Little Red
Riding Hood!
Albert
I don't want anyone round
here recognizing me!
Del
Who the hell's gonna recog-
nize you, eh?
Albert
You might not believe it, but
during the war I was quite a
celebrity round these parts.
It was 'cos of all the medals
I won for bravery under fire.
Del
The only acts of bravery you
ever performed were under
water!
Albert
Say someone saw us holding
these things. They might ring
the press and they'd have a
field day what with me being
an old war hero! They'd call
me one of those silly Fleet
Street nicknames. They'd call
me 'The Old Man of the PVC'
or something like that!
Del
Just stop moaning?
Del presses the door buzzer.
Barry
Who's there?
Del
Barry, it's me, Del Boy.
Barry
Hold on.
We now hear the sound of keys and chains.
Albert
He's security-conscious,
ain't he?
Del
That's not security, he's
just moving some of the stock.
INT. THE ECSTACY SHOP. NIGHT. STUDIO.
There are lots of boxes of non-specific stock, a couple
of whips on wall, some chains and bondage stuff, maybe
a leather studded bodice.
Dirty Barry is in his mid-30s, a seedy looking cockney.
He is moving a box of chains away from the door, which
he then opens.
Barry
Come in.
Del enters with the two dolls. Albert follows with the
box (hood still up).
Barry
(Cont’d)
(Referring to
Albert)
Who's the monk?
Del
No, no, that's my Uncle
Albert. He's alright, he's
harmless.
Barry
So what's occurring? You buy-
ing or selling?
Del
Selling.
Barry
Yeah? What?
Del
What d'yer mean 'What?'!
These things, of course! What
d'yer think I'm doing,
giving 'em a guided tour?
Barry
Here, they're not the dolls
the police are looking for,
are they?
Albert
Police?
Del
No, of course not! I got
these up north. There's a
shop I know that's gone out
of business. And I thought
I'll get these for my mate,
Dir...er...Barry.
Barry
Went out of business, did he?
Yeah, it's happening every-
where, Del. The bottom's
fallen out of this game. It's
the government and their
moral crusade - that and all
the public information films
on the telly.
Del
Listen, Barry - now you're a
businessman who knows a
bargain when you see one.
(Referring to
the dolls)
Now these are the finest
quality, top of the range.
They normally retail around
the 70 quid mark. I'm selling
'em for 30 nicker each.
Barry
Yeah, you're right, Del. They
are cheap. Someone's gonna
get a bargain.
Del
No, no, not someone, Barry,
not someone: you!
Barry
No can do, Del. See, I had a
visit from the council
yesterday. They've revoked me
licence. Closed me down.
Del
What?
Barry
I'm out of business.
Del
Twenty quid each, take 'em off
me.
Barry
I don't want 'em. Last night
I had about 400 of them
things. I sold 'em all this
morning for 15 quid each.
Del
So where can I sell 'em then?
What about Soho?
Barry
You won't have any joy there,
mate. Their stockrooms are
full. We sold 'em all our
gear this morning. Nah I
tell you, Maggie Thatcher's
ruined this business.
Albert
At least someone's got
something good to say about
her!
Del
He's an old sailor. He's
still got a bit of depth
charge lodged in his brain.
Come on, Brother Albert.
EXT. THE YARD AND ALLEY. NIGHT. FILM.
Del exits from the shop carrying the dolls. He makes
his way down towards the van.
As he approaches the van, Albert has left the back
door open and is just climbing into the passenger
seat.
Del puts the dolls in the back of the van. He closes
the back door and gets into the driver's seat. We
now have a shot looking directly into the windscreen
of the van.
Del and Albert are facing us and are unaware of the
fact that behind them the two dolls are also facing
the camera. The dolls' lightness is making them
wobble with each movement of the van. It looks as
if they are listening in on the conversation.
Del
Just my luck, innit? If I
could have bought them dolls
a couple of days ago I could
have outed 'em. Instead of
that, Dirty Barry and his
mates have flooded the
market. And while they've
got rid of their stock I'm
lumbered here with Polythene
Pam and Vinyl Vera.
One of the dolls fall forward shrugging Del.
Del
(Cont'd)
(To Doll)
Get off, I've got an 'ead-
ache!
Albert
That's God's punishment, that
is!
Del
Will you stop going on about
God and voodoo and all that?
You'll be shaking bones and
waving shrunken heads about
next. Oh, I know, I know what
to do. We'll hang on to 'em
'til the market picks up. I
mean, it's only like the
stock exchange, innit, you
know, up and down, supply
and demand, constantly
fluctuating. We'll hang on to
'em and wait for the big
bang!
Del smiles, satisfied with his plan. He starts the
engine and pulls away.
INT. UP-MARKET HAMBURGER RESTAURANT. NIGHT. FILM.
Rodney and Cassandra have finished their meal. They
leave the table and walk over to the coat rack.
Waiter
Goodnight, sir, madam. Thank
you.
Rodney
Thank you.
Cassandra
Can I give you a lift home?
Rodney
Oh, no thank you. My mum warned
me about girls like you. The
lift home's all very well but
you'll expect a lot more than a
good night kiss, won't you? And
I'm not that sort of boy.
Cassandra
And I thought you were a cert!
Look, I promise I won't try and
unbutton your shirt or take
your string vest off.
Rodney
Nah it's alright. If you give
me a lift home you've got to go
all round the one-way system,
haven't ya? I'll take a short
cut through the market.
Cassandra
If you're sure. You be careful,
though.
Rodney
Oh, look, the baddies don't
frighten me. I'm street-wise
aren't I?
Cassandra
Good!
(Kisses him
gently)
And watch out for unexploded
inflatable dolls.
Cassandra smiles.
Rodney's smile is wiped from his face and replaced with
a look of horror.
Rodney
What?
Cassandra
Didn't you see it on the news
tonight?
Rodney
No, our telly's on the blink.
Why, what did they say?
Cassandra
You know like those creepy
blow-up dolls you can buy?
Rodney
Yeah, well I've heard about
them.
Cassandra
There's a factory in Deptford
that makes them and appar-
ently a whole batch of them
has gone missing that were
accidentally filled with an
explosive gas.
Rodney is sick with worry but puts on a really false
laugh.
Cassandra
(Cont'd)
We shouldn't laugh!
Rodney
No, we shouldn't!
Cassandra
They could prove potentially
dangerous!
Rodney
Look, Cassandra, I've gotta go.
I don't feel very well!
Cassandra
What's wrong with you?
Waiter
Anything the matter, sir?
Rodney
I feel a bit sick, that's
all.
(To Cassandra)
Look, I'll phone you, OK?
Cassandra
Yes!
Rodney exits, quickly.
A worried Cassandra follows him out.
Waiter
(To second
waiter)
That's the third complaint
tonight. Where did we get
those tomatoes from?
The second waiter shrugs.
EXT. THE NYERERE ESTATE. NIGHT. FILM.
The doors burst open and Del and Rodney exit carrying
the two dolls that are still in Mum's clothes.
Rodney has one of those plastic bottles (plant spray)
and he is spraying cold water over both dolls. They
rush to the van.
Del
You better not be having me
on, Rodney!
Rodney
I'm not Del, honest!
Del
I'll whack you straight in
the mouth if you're pulling
my leg!
They throw the dolls in the back of the van. They jump
into the van, Del in passenger seat, Rodney in driver
seat.
Del
(Cont'd)
Explosive gas! I've never
heard of anything so daft!
Rodney
Shuddup and keep spraying!
EXT. AN AREA OF DERELICT GROUND. NIGHT. FILM.
Two winos are seated by an open fire sharing a bottle
of sherry.
The Trotters' van comes roaring and bumping its way
across the ground. It pulls up close to the winos and
Del and Rodney alight. They tear open the back door
and drag the dolls out. Holding the dolls under the
arms, so that their feet are dragging along the
ground, Rodney and Del run away across the ground to
a safe distance. They now throw the dolls down an
embankment or ditch or lower ground and then move a
few yards back to safety.
Del
(To winos)
It's alright - just dropping
them off.
The whinos have witnessed all this and are wearing
incredulous expressions. Del and Rodney now wait,
staring in the direction of the dolls.
Del shoots a couple of glances at Rodney.
Del
Thought you said you heard a
soosing sound?
Rodney
They were Del. They were
making a funny noise, like
something was gonna happen!
Del
Well, the only thing that's
happened so far is poor old
Mum's clothing's got all
dirty! I shall have to take
it all down the dry-cleaners
now!
Rodney
Del, them dolls are dangerous!
They've been on the news,
everywhere!
Del
How d'you know it was those
dolls that they were talking
about?
Rodney
I know, right, I just know!
Del
Well, the only thing that I
know is I've got 60 quid
laying out over there and us
two are hanging about here
like a couple of spare ones
at a wedding. I've had
enough of this, come on!
Del starts walking towards the dolls as they explode.
Del and Rodney dive for cover and the two winos look
on incredulously, mud and brick-dust landing all
around them.
Del and Rodney pick themselves up.
Rodney
(Childishly)
See!
Del
I told 'em not to have the
mutton vindaloo! Blimey,
that could have gone off
anytime, Rodders!
Del and Rodney make their way back to the van.
Rodney
I know! We only just got
rid of them in time! We was
well lucky.
Del
No, it's not luck, Rodney.
It's Mum.
Rodney
Mum?
Del
Yeah, she's up there some-
where watching over us.
Rodney
Oh - yeah.
We now hear the sound of an air-bubble coming to the
surface.
Del
(Indicating Rodney's
stomach)
The old April going is it?
The cardboard box containing the rest of the dolls is
in the back of the van. With a loud pop an oriental,
female, plastic head pops up out of the box.
Del and Rodney cry out in alarm and start to get out
of the van.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.