Only Fools And Horses

Yuppy Love

INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. The Trotters' new dining suite is a bamboo and wicker- work affair with floral design cushions on the chairs (the kind of thing you'd expect to find in a conservatory). Laying across the sofa and over the cocktail bar and hanging from the picture rail we have numerous beige trench coats. Rodney, in his latest Jonathan Ross suit, is seated at the dining table working something out on the 'Rhaja' computer. He has a few notes and reference books scattered over the table in amongst the salt and pepper pot, ketchup bottles and other dinner things. Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a plate of bread and butter. Albert That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother helping me get the tea ready, you carry on poncing about with that computer. Rodney I am not 'poncing about' with anything! In case it's slipped that senile, shrapnel -cluttered brain of yours, I happen to be studying for a computer diploma course. Albert Oh I ain't forgotten, son. I remember you enrolling on a three-month course - two years ago! Rodney It happens to be an extremely difficult exam! Albert Well, you should know. You've failed it often enough. Rodney I have not failed - well, not in the popular sense of the word. The other students have an advantage over me. Albert Yeah, they all pass. Rodney I mean, they are sent to the evening college by their companies. All day long they are working with computers, knocking out data and programs, ain't they? Whereas all day long I am working with a suitcase, knocking out disposable lighters and Turkish raincoats! Albert But even if you get your diploma, what difference will that make to Trotters Independent Traders? Rodney I am not doing it for Trotters Independent Traders! I'm doing it for me! This diploma could be my passport to freedom, a decent job, a future! I mean, I can't go on for the rest of my life messing about with this sort of junk, can I? He wants me to stand in a market flogging raincoats with 'dry clean only' on the label! Puts the punters right off! Rodney picks up one of the trench coats. Albert Well, the way Del Boy was telling the other day, the futures' never looked promising. Rodney Oh, Albert. That's all talk innit? Haven't you seen the changes in him? He's gone all high-powered and trendy ain't he? He saw that film Wall Street about six bloody times! There's a character in that, right, called Gordon Gekko. Now he's a real tough, high-flying whiz -kid right, and Del wants to be just like him. He doesn't seem to realize that Gordon Gekko had brains. Del thinks all you need's a Filofax and a pair of red braces and you're a chairman of the board! Still, I will say one thing for him: he's been very encouraging with this course at the evening college. Albert Yeah, how? Rodney (Has to think about it) Well... well, he gives me a lift there each week! Del enters from the bedroom area. He wears a shirt and tie and a pair of red braces. He carries a filofax and has now taken to smoking his cigars with the aid of a small, tortoiseshell cigar holder. Del That's the way, Rodney. Don't bother about stocking up the van for the morning. You just carry on poncing about with that computer. Rodney Derek, it is my college evening and I am trying to finish my homework! Del looks over Rodney's shoulder at the work. Del That's very good, Rodney. You'll get a star for that! (Laughs) I dunno why you bother, I really don't. I mean, you've always been the same, even when you was at school, it's always been books, learning, education. That's why you're no good at snooker. Albert Fancy a bit of grub, Del? Del (Picking up some letters) No thanks, Unc. Food is for wimps, and I've got me correspondence to catch up with. Rodney It's tough at the top, eh Del? Del We'll get to the top, Rodney, no fear. This time next year we will be millionaires! (Reading one of the letters) Aha! Things are moving already. This is from the council. They've received my application to buy this flat and they're giving it consideration. Rodney This flat? Why? Del Well, we've been living in it since 1962. You were born in it. He was banned from it. I mean, we're all living in it, you know the whole family. There's Mum and Grandad and, you know, everyone. This place holds many warm memories for me. Rodney But why do we need to buy it? Del So we can sell it! Rodney Sell it? What for? Albert A bloody good profit, with any luck! Del Exactly. You see, Rodney, Peckham here is becoming a trendy area. I mean, it's full of wine bars and bistros, you know. Property prices are booming. So if we can flog this place to some chinless wonder at a vastly inflated price, well, that means that we can get a nice little drum out in the suburbs. Rodney Del, council properties were built so the poorer classes would have somewhere to live! If they start selling them to hooray Henrys where they are they gonna go? Del Esher, Orpington - somewhere like that. Rodney But they can't afford to buy houses! Albert They can when they've sold their flats! Del Yeah, yeah, 'course they can. It's money for old rope. (Rubbing hands together) Lovely Jubbly! Rodney It is immoral! Del (Reading letter) Oh shut up, you tart! Rodney Alright, think of it from our business point of view, eh? I mean this flat is in a wonderful position. It's 15 minutes from the West End, it's 15 minutes from the motorway. Albert And 15 minutes from the ground. Del You're right, Rodders. I ever thought of that! (Writing in filofax) That's a very good selling point. I'm gonna make a note of that. That could put a few grand on, Albert. Yeah, don't worry. We'll make a nice little bit of bunce out of this old drum. Rodney You have got no right to sell this place over my head! Del You listen to me. I have lived here for 27 years, that gives me the right to decide its future! Rodney And I was born here! That gives me more right than anyone. Albert You might have been born here, but Del's the one who pays the rent arrears. Del Yeah, that's right, and you just take how much I've paid in rent over the years. I must have bought this place at least four or five times over and yet not one breeze block belongs to me - to us. But all that is gonna change! Rodney You're just a snob, that's all you are! Del I am not a snob, Rodney; I am a realist. I've grafted all my life to try and get us a nice little place out there in the fresh air and look at us - we're still here in this council-built Lego set! I used to watch you when you was a kid, you know, breathing in all the fumes from the motor- way - you must have more lead inside you than a butcher's pencil, and I used to think, what is it doing to his little brain? Albert Too late now, son. Rodney Yeah, you see, that's right! I'm a fully gro... What d' you mean, it's too late now? Albert I mean you're a full-grown man! Rodney Oh... Yeah, that's what I was gonna say. Anyway, you've only paid the rent here since Mum died! Del Oh leave it out, Rodney. I've been paying the rent here ever since I was old enough to 'op the wag! No- one else in this family ever worked. Mum tried her best, but her health let her down. And there was Dad, he would have loved a job but he had a sticky mattress and there was dear old Grandad, bless him. He was about as useful as a pair of sunglasses on a bloke with one ear! Everything we've got in life has come through my intelligence and my fore- sight. Rodney Well, I'm glad somebody's owned up! Del I don't know what you're moaning about. You're life's been a walk over. You never had to graft for it when you was a kid. I saw to it that you didn't have to! But what about me? When I was 11 years old, Rodney, Dad got me two - count 'em - two paper rounds. Every morning come rain, sleet or shine, there was Del Boy. 35 Daily Sketches, 40 Heralds and a Spick 'n' Span for the weirdo in Marley Road! And when Id' delivered them I went to another shop and started me second round! Dad always said he'd get me a bike! Rodney I worked when I was a kid as well! Del When? Rodney When I was 11! When they were introducing North Sea gas to the area and you'd got hold of that consignment of do-it- yourself gas conversion kits, you remember? That Sunday you sent me down the Mountbatten Estate with a barrow-load of 'em. All day long I was down there knocking on doors. I missed me Sunday dinner and everything. And not one of the gits down there had the decency to tell me that the Mountbatten Estate was all- electric! Del is obviously hiding a deep-felt guilt. Del Oh yeah, I remember you coming back and telling me about that. Rodney They just kept laughing at me! I thought it was that stupid flower-power shirt you used to make me wear. Del That was a beautiful shirt, that, Rodney! Rodney That was 'orrible! It was pink with little red poppies all over it. Del That had been very fashion- able, once. Rodney But if you remember Derek, at the time I happened to be covered in chickenpox! From a distance it looked like I was stripped to the waist! To this day I will never know what possessed you to send me to that estate. I mean, you had mates living there, so how come you didn't know it was all-electric? Del It was a long time ago Rodders, I don't remember... Alright, so you grafted as well. He fought and died for his country... many times! Which gives us the right to make a bit of profit out of this dump. Rodney I wanna stay in this flat! Albert You can buy it off Del then! Del This is typical of you, Rodney, you don't move with the times. The world is changing out there; it's a financial jungle. It's a question of he who dares, wins, he who hesitates... don't! Albert It's called the survival of the fittest. Rodney No, Unc, it's called pull the ladder up, Jack, and sod the rest! Albert There are times when you have to think of yourself, Rodney! I remember once when I was in the South Pacific. Rodney Don't you dare give me another nautical nightmare! I've already been through the Adriatic with him once this afternoon. It's like the adventures of a Dover sole! Del Alright, Rodney. Look, we won't move far away. There are some lovely areas round here. We'll buy a house that befits people like us. Rodney What do you mean, people like us? Del Well, yuppies. Rodney I am not a yuppy! Del No. But given time and a bit of help from me... Del pats Rodney reassuringly on the shoulder. EXT. QUIET SUBURBAN, TREE-LINED AVENUE. DAY. FILM. The road contains magnificent houses with in and out drives. The camera focusses on a street sign that reads "The King's Avenue". We pan up to show at least one of the houses before the three wheeled van comes into view driving towards us Del driving in a trendy green coat, and Rodney in the passenger seat wearing one of the common or garden beige trench coats as seen in the flat. The van pulls to a halt. Rodney What you stopped for? Del (Gesturing to houses) Cop a load of this, bruv. I mean, this is what you call living. You know, I bet these gaffs have guest suites, swimming pools, jacuzzis! What have we got? A put-you-up, a damp patch and a jakarsey! Rodney What do you reckon this sort of place goes for then? Del Oh, I dunno, three-quarters of a million, maybe more. We'll be in one of those one day, bruv. Rodney Oh yeah! What you got lined up, a decorating job? Del No, listen to me. We just need an half-decent break and we'll be millionaires! Rodney Del, I wouldn’t live in this road if you paid me! It's poncy. It's... it's immoral! Del Immoral? What you going on about, you dipstick? Rodney You've got something like 18 acres of land here with about 12 families living on it. Del These sort of people need a bit of space round 'em, don't they? I mean, down here you've got stockbrokers, private doctors... Porsches! This is the crème de la menthe of our community! Rodney You could house thousands of people on this land! Del What, more tower blocks? If you had your way, the only growth industry would be lift-repairing! Every time you go to these evening classes you end up talking like Ken Livingstone or Arthur Scargill. You wanna watch it or you'll end up with one of those funny hair cuts. Rodney Are you gonna drive me to the adult education centre or are we gonna stand here admiring the privets all night? Rodney climbs back into the van and slams the door. Del Make sure the door's closed, Rodney. Del climbs into the driver's seat. Del (Cont'd) Look, Rodney. I wanna be successful, but not for the money. I want the power and the influence that success brings. Rodney And what will you do with all this power and influ- ence? Del Spend it! EXT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE/URBAN ROAD. DAY. FILM. It is a grand, old, pre-war building that was once most probably civic offices. A sign outside reads: "Adult Education. Business and Commercial Studies". We see the van pull up opposite of road to building. Del and Rodney alight. Rodney is carrying some paperwork in files. Del Go on ten, hurry up Rodney. They'll be calling the register in a minute! Rodney returns a sneer. Del Mind the road! Remember what the Green Cross Road Man said? Rodney You are getting on my bloody nerves! Rodney climbs the steps to the entrance door. A small group of young people follow him up the steps. Del (Calls) Rodney! Rodney! And if the big boys gang up on you again at playtime, you tell the teacher! Del roars with laughter. Rodney turns angrily at Del. Rodney Why don't you pi... Rodney's mood turns pleasantly to the group of young people. Rodney (Cont'd) Evening. We can hear Del roaring with laughter in the back- ground. Now Cassandra ascends the steps. Rodney stares at her. Del's laughter now means nothing to him. H is smitten. He smiles at her and she returns a polite smile, passes him and exits to building. Rodney watches her go. Del And don't go losing your dinner money again! Rodney hasn't even heard him. He just stares into the building watching Cassandra. Rodney now enters the building. We cut across to Del who is still laughing to himself. As he turns back towards the van, his attention is drawn to something just a few yards away. From Del's POV we see a rather trendy wine bar. Just pulled up at the kerb is a Porsche from which two attractive young ladies alight. They are yuppy slaves of fashion. They enter the wine bar. Del Now that's a bit of me! Del pulls his stomach in and tightens the belt of his trendy green trench coat. From inside the van, he produces an Arnie Becker aluminium executive briefcase and, finally, the piece de resistance, the filofax. Holding the filofax prominently in front of him, he strides confidently towards the wine bar. INT. WINE BAR. DAY. STUDIO. The interior is rather sparse and French. Marble- topped tables with wrought iron legs, etc. It should be quite crowded with early evening yuppies. Marsha and Dale are standing at the counter, the barman pouring them their usual. Incorporated within the wooden or marble counter there is a bar flap which at the moment is open. We see Del enter in background. There is a slight nervous edge to him, he knows he's in alien territory but feels they will soon recognise that he is one of them. He holds his filofax more prominently, like a masons' handshake. He spots the girls and makes his way to the counter area. A second barman enters, pulling the bar flap down behind him. Dale notices Del and nudges Marsha. They both smirk and turn their heads away. They find Del a funny, odd person. Del Oh - it's good to unwind, innit? Marsha Sorry? Del I say, after a hard day in the City, it's good to unwind. Dale I imagine it must be very tiring. Del Tiring? Tired, yeah, I'm cream crackered and that's no lie! Well, I've been up since six this morning trying to talk to a bloke in New York. Marsha Why didn't you use a tele- phone? The girls burst out in squeals of laughter. Del can't see the joke and can't see they are taking the rise out of him. Del No, I've got a phone an' all that. No, I mean, it's just a long and stressful day in the old commodities market. It ain't all champagne and skittles. Oh no - buying, selling, making billion- pound decisions. It's a git of a journey home an' all! Dale What exactly do you buy and sell in the commodities market? Del Oh, you know, this and that, whatever's going, you know. Iron, ore, sugar beet. I made a killing today on olive oil. Gawd knows what Popeye'll say when he gets home! Del laughs uproariously. Barman Can I get you anything, Sir? Del I'll have a bottle of Beaujolais Nouveau. Barman Yes, sir. Del A '79. The girls burst out laughing. Del is at first confused by the laughter and then thinks he understands. Del (Cont'd) Oh, Popeye? You got it, have yer? That was a good 'un, weren't it? INT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE/URBAN ROAD. NIGHT. FILM There are cars parked at the kerb outside of building, including a rather nice BMW. The doors burst open and a group of young people exit and descend the steps. (This is to establish passage of time - night classes have ended). INT. FOYER OF EDUCATION CENTRE. NIGHT. FILM. There are corridors, rooms and a flight of stairs. The foyer is quite crowded with students of various races, ages (although mostly young). Along one wall runs a long coat rack from which people are collecting their belongings. Rodney comes down stairs and then sits on a bench studying his paperwork. (We shall soon discover that Rodney has in fact taken a woman's beige trench coat. Smaller, and obviously more feminine than his own, but similar enough for no-one to notice.) Rodney Oh bloody hell! How am I s'posed to do all this? Cassandra approaches carrying a beige coat over her arm. Cassandra Hello! Rodney looks up and reacts, surprised and delighted. Rodney Oh! He realises his last remark was too enthusiastic and cools it. Rodney (Cont'd) Hi! Cassandra Sorry to interrupt you. Rodney Oh what? No, it's alright, just some computer data I've to put into a program. Cassandra It looks very complicated. Rodney Well, yeah, it does look difficult, but it's no problem... My name's Rodney. Cassandra Cassandra. Rodney Oh Cassandra. That's a lovely name. Cassandra Thank you. Um, I just wanted to say... Rodney I'm glad we've bumped into each other 'cos I was trying to find a way of saying hello to you and I think it's really you know, sort of liberated for you to make the first move. Cassandra Move? No, you don't under- stand. You've taken my coat! Rodney looks at the coat he is holding. We now see that it is a woman's coat. Rodney Oh, I am so sorry. Cassandra It's OK. They're very similar; it's an easy mistake to make. This one's yours. Rodney Well, how'd you know it's mine? We see on the inside collar of his coat that someone has printed 'Rodney Trotter' in ballpoint pen. Rodney (Horrified) Look, I didn't write this. It's, it's most probably my brother you know - his idea of a joke! Cassandra Well, whatever. We've sorted it out now. Rodney Yeah. Cassandra Well, nice meeting you. Rodney And you. Cassandra smiles a goodbye and moves towards exit. EXT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE. NIGHT. Cassandra exits from building and starts to descend the steps. Rodney exits the building and catches up with her. She is holding her car keys. Rodney Cassandra! I was wondering whether you had time for a quick drink? Cassandra Oh I'm sorry. I'm going out with a friend tonight. Rodney Oh well, never mind! Um, can I walk you to your car? Cassandra considers the offer. Cassandra (With a smile) Oh thank you. Rodney Pleasure. They walk three steps to her car (the BMW) which is parked directly outside the building. Cassandra Here we are! Rodney I didn't realise you were parked so... Cassandra Thank you for getting me here safely. Rodney Oh think nothing of it. Nice car. Cassandra It's my father's. Rodney D'you live round this way? Cassandra Blackheath. How about you? Rodney Peckham. Cassandra Where are you parked? Rodney Me? Oh, I lent my car to my brother. Well I wish I hadn't now, after what's in my coat, the little rascal! Oh, I'll get a bus down the terminus. Cassandra I'm going past the terminus - if you'd like a lift? Rodney Oh thank you. Rodney moves to passenger door wearing a look that tells he can't believe his luck. Now a voice in the distance calls him. Del Rodney! Rodders! Rodney freezes and mumbles almost silently. Rodney Shit!! Rodney pretends he hasn't heard Del. We now see Del standing outside the wine bar. Cassandra I think someone's calling you. Rodney Really? Del Hey, over here! I hung about for you. I'll give you a lift home. Rodney Oh yeah. That's - someone I know. Well, thanks for the offer Cassandra. Cassandra OK. Bye. Rodney Yeah, bye. Rodney starts walking across road to Del. Cassandra is still unlocking the car. Del Who's the tart? Rodney Shut up! Rodney pushes Del in through the door of the wine bar. INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. Del What... what is the matter with you? They given you lines or something? Rodney Why did you write my name inside that raincoat? Del (Can't hide his smirk) Mum said to me on her death- bed... Rodney Look, why did you write it, you git? Del Alright, alright. She said to me, "Del Boy, make sure you always write Rodney's name in his clothes' that way no one'll nick 'em." And I've kept my promise to her. Rodney I was so embarrassed. Del Yeah, but no one nicked yer coat, did they, eh? Oh come on, come on, it was just a joke, you touchy sod. Come on, have a drink. I've got some wine and some mineral water. Right, I never like Spitzers before, but now I'm right into 'em. Rodney What are you still doing here? Del Ah well, when I dropped you off I followed these two yuppy sorts, you know. Told 'em a few jokes, flashed me Filofax. knocked 'em bandy! Rodney So where are they? Del They went to the ladies a couple of hours ago and they ain't come back yet. Still, never mind, never mind eh? There's plenty more where they came from ain't there, eh? That's an idea, why don't we pull ourselves a couple of sorts and go on to a club? Rodney sighs at Del's naivety and places his paperwork in Del's aluminium briefcase. Rodney Nah, not me, Del. I'm off. Del Oh come on. You're not going home already, are ya? Rodney No, definitely not home. Not with Albert there. The last thing I need right now is another battle of the Baltic! Look, stick them in the van for me, would ya? I'll see you later Del. Del Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv. Yeah, I will, yeah. As Del watches him leave he nibbles anxiously on the end of the pen. Barman Excuse me, are you eating? Del No, I'm just nibbling it. Barman No, sir. Our bistro's just open and I wondered if you'd like a table for dinner? Del Not me John. Dinner is for wimps. INT. DISCO. NIGHT. This should look like a genuine disco rather than a pub which is turned into one at weekends. It should appear crowded with the 20-35 year-old set. Loud, recent and 'real' records are played. The place should be alive with movement, light and sound. Lounging against the bar we see Rodney, who peers despondantently into his pint of lager, Mickey Pearce, still wearing his trademark, pork-pie hat, and Jevon. As we find the three at the bar Mickey is practicing his hobby of lying, this time concerning his conquests with the girls at the disco. Jevon is bored with Mickey's lies. Rodney isn't really listening. Mickey Jevon! Jevon! Jevon What? Mickey See the blonde bird? I've had her! And her mate. See that black sort at the back there? She's crazy about me! Phones me all the time. Jevon You're a hell of a man, Mickey. Rodney Mickey, are you doing this for charity? Mickey What d'you mean? Rodney Well, I just wondered whether it was sponsored bullshit. Mickey I'm telling you the truth, Rodney! Two attractive young girls pass by. They stop and smile at Jevon. Girl in Disco Hi, Jevon. Jevon Wotcher, darling. Girl in Disco Not dancing tonight? Jevon Not at this precise moment in time. But being a creature of impulse, I am coiled like a spring, ready to move with sinuous grace when the music takes me. If either of you two should be in the vicinity when this occurs then - who knows - it could be your lucky night! The girls both sneer at his flashness, but it's an enjoyable sneer (they like him and his style). Jevon laughs out loudly at his own audacity as the girls move on. Jevon OK - I've given you two losers an audience, and now it's time to do what I was put on this earth to do - to bring pleasure and excitement into the lives of attractive young women. And tonight's lucky winner is the chick sitting at the corner table. We don't see her yet. Rodney is too depressed to even look. Mickey Nah, you've got no chance with her Jevon. I've seen five blokes ask her for a dance and she gave 'em all a blank. Jevon Five ordinary mortals. She hasn't met me yet. Mickey Just listen to it! Rodney Well, you carry on, Jevon. Me and Mickey'll prepare the alter. Jevon I'll wave to you as I leave. Mickey (Calls, sarcastically) Don't forget, will yer? (To Rodney)) That Jevon, he does the business, though, don't he, Rodney eh? Still, I taught him everything he knows. Rodney Oh turn it up, Mickey. Last time you went out with a bird you took her to a Bay City Rollers concert. Mickey What's the matter with you anyway? You got a pimple on a boil or something? Rodney Yeah sort of - it's called Del Boy. Mickey Oh yeah. Yeah, he's getting a bit noncy, ain't he lately? I seen him walking down the high street the other day with his Filofax held up in front of him. You know, a lot of people thought it was a protest march. Rodney Yeah, well, he only uses it for business, don't he? Mickey And what about that green coat of his, eh? He's looks a right poultice, don't it? Rodney Well, personally I think he looks very smart. Mickey Oh leave it out, Rodney. He looks like the Incredible Hulk's little boy! Rodney Oh I'll tell him next time I see him. I'm sure he'll find a way of showing his gratitude. Mickey You don't have to tell him, do you? It's only a joke, that's all. Mickey quickly changes the subject. Mickey (Cont'd) I don't believe it. It looks like Jevon has fallen on stony ground! We cut to Jevon chatting to the girl at the corner table - it is Cassandra. She is seated at table with her girl- friend (Emma) of the same age and class. Cassandra is smiling in a friendly and polite way but is obviously turning down Jevon's pleading overtures. We see Jevon finally admit defeat with a shrug an then make an embarrassed approach to bar. As Jevon leaves corner table, Cassandra spots Rodney. She mouths the words 'Hi' and gives him a friendly wave. She then turns and begins talking with Emma. Even though she is no longer looking at him and he is three seconds too late, Rodney returns the gestures as Jevon arrives back at bar. Jevon She's a lesbian! Mickey Quick, Rodney, phone the AA, tell them the sex machine's broken down! Jevon D'you reckon you could do any better? Mickey She probably likes the direct approach instead of all that old fanny you give 'em! Watch the master and learn! Mickey makes his way towards the corner. We find Cassandra and Emma in mid-conversation, talking about one of Emma's boyfriends. Emma I just never know whether to believe him. Cassandra He always struck me as a pretty straightforward type. Emma You don't know him like I do! Mickey arrives. He slaps Cassandra gently on the arm with the back of his fingers. Mickey Do you wanna dance? Cassandra No! Mickey Right! Mickey makes his way through the crowd to Rodney and Jevon. Mickey Definitely a lesbian! Rodney Oh don't be stupid they're all busy down the town hall! She'd dance with me! Mickey and Jevon burst into laughter. Jevon That's what we like about you Rodney, we're always guaranteed a laugh! Mickey Look, I'm a first dan of lateral chatting and this is God's foster son! So what chance has a woll like you got? Rodney I bet she'll dance with me! Jevon You bet, do ya? Right, a tenner says she don't! Mickey I'll have some of that! That's a score. Cover the bet. Rodney Alright, I will! Rodney produces a crumpled five and ten pound note. He now searches his pockets for more money. Jevon Before you ask her to dance, why don't you see if she'll lend you a fiver? Rodney A score! Mickey You don't come to a disco expecting to make a profit, do ya? Rodney I'll see you two later. With a deep, apprehensive breath, Rodney sets off to the corner table. Emma He said he had a holiday home near Marbella. It turned out to be a caravan on the Isle of Sheppey! Cassandra Well didn't you say something? Emma Yes, but he said distance was relative. Cassandra Well I suppose he's got a point. I mean compared to somewhere like Melbourne the Isle of Sheppy is near Marbella! Rodney Hi! Cassandra Hello - again! Em, was there something? Rodney What? Oh, yes. Would you like to dance with me? Cassandra Thank you. We see Mickey's and Jevon's faces drop. They turn and look at each other in stunned silence as Cassandra and Rodney dance to a slow number. Rodney look to his friends and gives then an 'easy-peasy', 'no problem' look or gesture. Jevon is devastated, and Mickey is stunned, they turn away and lean on the bar. Mickey He's paid her, that's what he's done! He's offered her arf the winnings! Jevon Mickey - shuddup! INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO. Del is leaning on counter writing something in his filofax. He looks up and spots Trigger entering. Del (Calls) Oh Trig! Trigger! Trig, over here! Trigger Del Boy. Del Hiya. Trigger What you doing here? Del I'm always here. This is my regular now. (Calling barman) John, get my mate a pint of lager. Barman I'm afraid we don't serve beer, sir. Del Oh. I remember now, yeah. It wasn't selling too well so they knocked it on the head. D'you fancy a Spitzer? Trigger Er... yeah, I'll give it a try. Del Yeah, anyway, what you doing down here, Trig? I thought you'd be in the Nag's Head. Trigger Yeah, I was, but Mike's just barred me. Del Barred you. What for? Trigger He accused me of stealing one of his pork pies. What do I want his rotten pork pies for? I don't even like pork pies! Del Oh, he's right out of order, that bloke. Trigger Oh I'm thinking of suing him for def... defn... Del Slander. Trigger Yeah. Del I wouldn't worry about it, Trig, if I were you. He's done you a favour, actually. I mean, look around. This place is full of yuppy sorts. Yeah, we can't go wrong here. All we gotta do is learn to speak their language. Trigger Why, they foreign then? Del No, they're yuppies! They don't speak proper English like what we do. I mean, I've bin earholing 'em. It's all 'Ya', 'Soope' and 'Fab'. And you've got to talk about money. It's their favourite subject. I mean, you chat about money and it really impresses them. Trigger Yeah? Del God's honest. Trigger now spots the women standing next to him. Trigger I saw one of them old five pound notes the other day. Del No, no, no, come here. I don't mean talk about your bloody coin collection, do I? I mean, you just gotta talk about your wealth. Trigger But I ain't got none of that! Del Nor have most of them. They- 're all living in sin with their flexible friends. You just gotta chat about it, you just gotta talk, that's all. Look, I'll show you how it's done. Del and Trigger swap places. Standing next to Del is an attractive and well-spoken lady. Del (Cont'd) Look, watch e, watch this. (To woman) It's all go when you're in a high-profile business, innit girls eh? Girl Really? Del Yes, 'cos I'm in stock and shares meself, yeah. I bought a few thousand shares in a little department store this afternoon. Now I've gotta phone me lawyer and me accountant. Gives you the 'ump, don't it? Excuse me, sorry, how do you spell 'Arrods? Girl (Taking wine from barman) Capital 'A'! Del (Offended. to barman) Oh I say. (Calls after her) Beam me up, Snotty! Need all that don't ya? Trigger Yeah. Trigger passes Del a pork pie. Trigger (Cont'd) Want that? I don't like 'em. Del Cheers Trig. INT. DISCO. NIGHT. FILM. People are leaving. Jevon is dancing a smooch with an attractive girl. He stares deep into her eyes as if hypnotising her. Mickey sits alone at bar. Rodney passes by with Cassandra and Emma. Rodney See you around, Mickey. Mickey Rodney, Rodney, hang on. Rodney stops, Cassandra and Emma continue towards the cloakroom. Mickey (Cont'd) What's happening, then eh? Come on, what's she all about? Rodney Her name is Cassandra, she lives in Blackheath and she is giving me a lift home! Mickey She's got a car? Rodney No she's giving me a cross- bar! Of course she's got a car! We're dropping her friend off first, she lives next door to Cassandra. Mickey You're going to Blackheath? You can give me a lift home, then eh? Rodney No! Mickey Oh go on. I'm goin' a club over Blackheath. Just drop us off somewhere and I'll walk the rest of the way. Rodney No, 'cos, um, well, she's only got a two-seater! Mickey Yeah? Then how's she driving you and her mate home? Rodney No, look, Mickey. Mickey Jevon, we're off. Jevon doesn't even look at them, he merely raises a hand in their direction, like a blessing. Rodney You'd better not nause this up for me, Mickey. Mickey Don't worry. I'll be on my double best behaviour - the complete gentleman. Rodney You'd better be! Mickey Promise! What's her friend's name? Rodney Emma. Mickey She do a turn? Rodney reacts. Mickey (Cont'd) Sorry, don't get the 'ump! INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO. Del You see, nowadays these modern Eurobirds, they go for the mature men who'd made it in life. Trigger Yeah? Is that why we're having no luck? Del I ain't tried yet! I'm just building meself up for the kill. Trigger Yeah, well, you'd better hurry up. The first bell went just now. Del Yeah, alright, alright. Now the girl at table catches eyes with Del. Del (Cont'd) Could be on a winner here, Trig. Alright, play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool. You now what I mean? Del smiles coolly and nods a greeting. The girl returns the merest of smiles and turns away. Inspired by his tiny success, Del leans off counter and lights a cigar. As he does so, the barman exits from counter area, leaving the bar flap up. Del now leans coolly on the non-existent flap and crashes straight through and onto the floor. He then stands back up and tries to regain his comp- osure unsuccessfully. Del Drink up. We're going. Trigger Ain't you gonna try for them birds? Del No, no, You're cramping me style, Trig. INT. CASSANDRA'S CAR. NIGHT. FILM. Mickey Me and Rodney live ear each other. Do you know the Nyerere Estate, Peckham? Emma No, I can't say I've ever hear of it, no. Mickey Well, it's a rather lively place, specially when the militants hold a Mardi Gras! Eh, Rodney? You two live in Blackheath? Cassandra Yes. Mickey Hear, you heard of a drinker round there called the 'Down by the Riverside Club'? Emma No, I can't say I've ever heard of that either. Where is it? Mickey Well, ooh, it's down by the riverside, innit? Cassandra I've heard of it. It's got a terrible reputation, full of unsavoury characters. Mickey (Offended) I'm a member! Cassandra Whoops! Beg your pardon. Mickey That's alright, darling, I didn't even hear it! Didn't even hear it! Rodney Oh please, God! Mickey Alright, fair enough. You get a few unsavoury characters in there, but we enjoy our- selves. Emma So do lynch-mobs! Mickey Ooh, bitchy! Just for that I'm not gonna let you give me a kiss good night. Emma Euurgh, God! Cassandra Here we are. EXT. UPPER-CLASS AVENUE. NIGHT. FILM. The houses are all detached and, although not in the class of 'The Kings Avenue', are obviously expensive. We see Cassandra's car pull to a halt outside of a very nice looking house with well-tended gardens. Her BMW is a two-door model so she and Rodney have to alight to let Mickey and Emma out. Emma Night, Rodney. Rodney Good night, Emma. Mickey Here, Rodney, clock the houses! Rodney Yeah, nice eh? Mickey Nice? You gotta be talking 300k! Gonna be a bit of a culture shock for Cassandra when she drops you off at Nelson Mandela House, innit? Anyway, I'd better walk it from here eh? I'll see you, Rodney. (Calls) Night, Cassandra. Good night Emma... love you! Cassandra Good night. Rodney Look, I'm sorry about Mickey. Cassandra Don't be silly. We all have friends who are - over the top, shall we say? Rodney Yeah. He's probably still upset about losing his money. Cassandra How'd he do that? Rodney Well you remember when I asked you to dance? Well, I did it for a bet. Cassandra reacts. Rodney (Cont'd) Well, no, I didn't mean it like that! Mickey said I wouldn't have the guts to ask you. But well, I did. Cassandra I get the feeling that hidden in that statement somewhere there's a compliment. Rodney Yeah, a big compliment. Cassandra Alright, then, I suppose we'd better be getting you back to - what was it called? The Nyerere Estate? Rodney I don't live in the Nyerere Estate! Cassandra But I thought Mickey said... Rodney (Cutting in) Mickey lives on the Nyerere Estate. I live near it. I'll show you. Cassandra (Slightly bewildered) OK. They climb into car. EXT. A QUIET SUBURBAN TREE-LINED AVENUE. NIGHT. FILM. We see Cassandra's car driving towards us. Her car continues out of shot and we are looking at a road sign which read: 'The King's Avenue.' Rodney is peering from window, desperately searching for the most impressive house. Cassandra What a lovely road you live in. Rodney Yes, it's quite nice. Ah, here we are. From Rodney's POV we see a magnificent house with a Mercedes parked in the driveway. Cassandra You lucky thing, what a great house. Rodney Oh well, I don't notice it really, you know. It’s just a place to lay my head. Ah, good, my brother got the car home safely. Well, thanks for the lift, Cassandra. Cassandra Pleasure. Rodney That's my number. Give me a ring sometime - if you want to. Cassandra Thanks. Well, good night. Rodney Night. Rodney leans his face tentatively towards Cassandra's. She leans forward and they kiss gently. Inspired by this small success Rodney moves his right arm as if to put it round her and get down to more serious stuff. Cassandra (Fending him off) Good night, Rodney! Rodney Yes, of course. Rodney takes his trenchcoat from the back seat and gets out of the car. He walks a few yards to the driveway of the house then waves back to Cassandra. The lights of the house are on. We see that Rodney is scared of being discovered by the owners. He takes a few steps onto the driveway and calls back to Cassandra. Rodney Byeee! (To Himself) Please drive away! We cut to the house where there is the silhouette of a woman staring out at Rodney from an upstairs window. Rodney Oh my God! He turns to the car. Cassandra waves to him and then points to upstairs window as if telling him that his family are there. Rodney looks to the house. The woman has been joined by her husband at the window. Rodney with nerves taut, eyes wide and unblinking, waves to his 'family.' Rodney Hi, I'm home. Please, Cassandra, go! Cassandra now drives away. Rodney rushes for the protection of some bushes out on the public footpath. He waits until he thinks the coast is clear. We now hear a clap of thunder. A few raindrops appear on the ground. Rodney puts his 'raincoat' on. We now see he has taken Cassandra's coat again. Rodney looks up to heaven as the rain starts falling more heavily. Rodney Cosmic. Cos bloody-mic. INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO. Lightning flickers across window and rain gushes down the panes. Del is seated in armchair. He is wearing a set of head- phones and listening to a record which is playing on his stereo turntable. By his expressions and hand movements, we would imagine he's listening to some great orchestral piece. Albert enters from kitchen carrying a black rubbish sack. Albert Del, Del Boy, Del! He walks across and hits Del on the arm (the same he injured in the wine bar). Del (Leaping up in pain) Aauughh! What'd you wanna do that for, you soppy old duffer? Albert Bloody 'ell, I don't realise me own strength! Del It has nothing to do with your strength. I was having a few drinks earlier this evening in a very trendy wine bar with some of my yuppy friends when I happened to fall arse over head! Albert You're gonna do yourself a lot of damage if you ain't careful. Del (Referring to arm) I've already done meself a lot of damage! Albert I mean, you're not eating - eating's for wimps! And you're drinking so much you're falling over in boozers! Del I wasn't drinking, in fact I was on some very trendy funny-tasting trendy water... oh forget it! Albert I'm getting rid of that rubbish in the kitchen. Do you want me to chuck any- thing else down the chute? Del Not unless you're feeling in a kamikaze mood! Albert Look, why don't you let me do you some grub eh? Del Yeah, alright Uncle. I am feeling a bit hungry. Do me a health-conscious fry-up will ya? Albert exits to kitchen and Del takes the record from the turntable. Del I don't care what they say, you can't whack The Who. He places record in sleeve. The door from hall bursts open and Rodney fills the doorway. He is wet, drenched, soaked to the skin. He has Cassandra's coat over his head but his hair is still soaked. He is breathing heavily in anger and exhaustion. He stares at Del, daring him to make a funny remark. Del Alright? Rodney What? Del I said, alright? Rodney Triffic! Del What's it like out? Rodney There's a few spots of rain in the air! Del Yeah? It might help us shift some of those raincoats. Del indicates the coats hanging round the room. He picks up Cassandra's coat and examines it. Del Blimey, that one shrunk. Come on, let's have it here. Did you have a good night? Rodney Not too bad. Del I stayed on at the wine bar for a while, it's very nice, my sort of place. Then I went on for a drink - down by the riverside! Mickey Pearce called in at the last knockings and he told me that you'd met this posh tart and she'd given you a lift home in her flash car. Rodney Yeah, that's right. Del What's she got, a convertible? Rodney No! I asked her to drop me off half way. I fancied a walk. Del What, in this weather? Rodney Lots of people enjoy walking in the rain. Del Yes I know, but they're usually recaptured pretty quickly. Rodney goes to pour himself a brandy but finds the bottle is empty. Rodney Del, this bottle's empty. Del Chuck it in the rubbish... it's alright, Rodney, you can't hide the truth from me. I know what happened tonight. I can read you like a book. Rodney You know nothing, Del, so keep your nose out. Del I've got 20 notes here - look, there they are - they say that I can guess what happened tonight. G'on then, you cover that. Rodney Alright, go'n then, know-all, tell me! Del Alright. That Mickey Pearce said that this Cassandra sort lived in a right nice drum. Rodney Yeah, so? Del So this is what I think happened. You've seen her house and the snob in you came racing to the surface and you thought: "Ooh, how can I take her back to Nelson Mandela House?" So on your way home, you've made her drive up some right posh road - somewhere like The King's Avenue - and you stopped at some right nice little mansion and you pretended that's where you lived! Rodney You don't half talk a load of rubbish! Del Is that the truth? Rodney Yes! Del Thank you very much indeed. That's it, Rodney, you see, you're like an open book, my son - and it's thicker than my Filofax! Del exits to bedroom area. Rodney, his anger at boiling point, searches the room for something of Del's to damage. Rodney I'll file your fax for you! He finds the filofax, and dumps it in the rubbish sack. Albert enters from kitchen. Albert Still raining? Rodney No, I took a short cut through a car wash! Albert Alright, boy, don't have a go at me, I only asked! I'll chuck this stuff down the chute. Del enters from bedroom area, carrying a towel. He throws it at Rodney. Del Here y'are, dry yourself off. You should never be ashamed of where you live, Rodney. Look, I want better than this but I'm not ashamed of it. Rodney Oh but Del, you should have seen her road. There weren't one window boarded up, all the lamp posts worked. I meant what would she have thought if she'd have come back here eh? Well, just keep driving straight past the burnt-out panda car, Cassandra, and I live just before the next barricade. Del I know how you feel, Rodney. I've been through the same emotions meself. Rodney You? Del Yes, me. Well it was about 15, 16 years ago. I met this bird. She was from Texas. Rodney What, the do-it-yourself place? Del No, no. Texas in America. She was some oil baron's daughter. She had one of these long double-barreled funny names like Elly-May or something like that. Rodney How would you meet an oil baron's daughter? Del I was working in the Tower of London at the time. I was doing the old Happy Snaps, you know? Second-hand Brownie, no film, pound a go - Lovely Jubbly! One day she asked me to take a picture of her and a Beefeater and one of them big crow things, right? So, anyway, we got chatting and I offered to show her round London. So, anyway, after a little while we fell deeply in love with each other... Cor, what was her name? Now, anyway, it doesn't matter, anyway. You know what she said to me one day? Rodney Where's my picture? Del No! She paid me a very great compliment. She said when she met me it reminded her of the day that President Kennedy was killed. Rodney And that's one of the nicest compliments you've ever had? Del Don't you see what she meant? Rodney No. Del Well, I like to think that she meant that everyone remembers where they were the day they met Del Trotter. Rodney She might not have meant that! Del Well what else could she have meant? Rodney Well I don't know. Perhaps she meant you looked, yeah, you looked like Lee Harvey Oswald! Del I don't look like Lee Harvey bleed 'n' Oswald. Cor, who's Lee Harvey Oswald? At this point Albert has entered from hall. Albert He's the bloke what shot Kennedy. You look a bit like him, Del. Del No, I don't. Albert No, of course you don't. You look nothing like him. I'll get your grub. Del Yeah. Rodney So, anyway, what's you and Peggy-Sue gotta do with me and Cassandra? Del 'Cos she wanted to see where I lived and I had the same struggle with my conscience as you've had. I was fright- ened if I brought her back here she might think less of me. Rodney So you didn't? Del No, I did. Rodney When? Del Well, it was one Sunday, years ago now. Rodney Well, where was I? Del You was down the Mountbatten Estate selling them gas conversion kits. Rodney You bastard! You sent me down there on purpose with chickenpox. You just wanted to get rid of me so you and Annie bloody Oakley could have the flat to yourselves! Del It wasn't like that, Rodney, wasn't like that. I was trying to present you with a challenge. Rodney What, selling gas conversion kits on an all-electric estate? That's a challenge and a half that it! Del No, it's alright, listen, I'll tell you the truth. Alright, so I wanted to get rid of you for a couple of hours. I mean, I was serious about her and wanted to make the best impression possible. I just thought, well, bringing her back to this tower block's bad enough but, I mean, if she saw you in that dopey shirt and your face covered in Randolph Scotts, well, that'd be good night Vienna, wouldn't it? Rodney So she come back here? Del Yeah. I gave her a pot of tea and a Lyons Victoria sponge. It was very nice. Rodney And did she, you know, think any less of you? Del I dunno - I never saw her again. I mean she went home, you know, her holiday was finished. Rodney Did she write to you? Del Cor blimey, look at it, it's bucketing down out there, innit? Albert enters from kitchen with a plate of egg, bacon and beans. Albert Here are, Del Boy. (To Rodney) Oi, some little bird phoned for you about 15 minutes ago. I think she'd been on drugs. She said you'd left your coat in the back of her car and she'd taken it back to your house in the King's Avenue. The people there had never heard of you. Rodney You conning git! You knew all along what had happened! Gimme that money back! Del (Now laughing) No, no. You've learnt a very valuable lesson tonight, haven't you? Don't gamble. You never know when the cards have been stacked. Albert I said, of course they'd never heard of him, he don't live in the King's Avenue, he lives on the Nyerere Estate! Rodney You told her where I lived? Well, bang goes another dream. Del Not necessarily, bruv. She phoned up, left her phone number and said that she'd wait up 'til midnight for you to call her. Rodney You're kidding? Albert She said she wants to hear from you tonight because she's going out tomorrow to buy a couple of tickets for some pop concert. Del I bet it's Wet Wet Wet! Rodney Yeah, I bet! Ah cheers, Del. Where's her number? Del In my Filofax. Rodney G-i-t! Rodney rushes out through hall door as Del and Albert look at each other incredulously.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
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                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
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