INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
The Trotters' new dining suite is a bamboo and wicker-
work affair with floral design cushions on the chairs
(the kind of thing you'd expect to find in a
conservatory).
Laying across the sofa and over the cocktail bar and
hanging from the picture rail we have numerous beige
trench coats.
Rodney, in his latest Jonathan Ross suit, is seated
at the dining table working something out on the
'Rhaja' computer. He has a few notes and reference
books scattered over the table in amongst the salt
and pepper pot, ketchup bottles and other dinner
things.
Albert enters from the kitchen carrying a plate of
bread and butter.
Albert
That's the way, Rodney. Don't
bother helping me get the tea
ready, you carry on poncing
about with that computer.
Rodney
I am not 'poncing about' with
anything! In case it's
slipped that senile, shrapnel
-cluttered brain of yours, I
happen to be studying for a
computer diploma course.
Albert
Oh I ain't forgotten, son. I
remember you enrolling on a
three-month course - two
years ago!
Rodney
It happens to be an extremely
difficult exam!
Albert
Well, you should know. You've
failed it often enough.
Rodney
I have not failed - well, not
in the popular sense of the
word. The other students have
an advantage over me.
Albert
Yeah, they all pass.
Rodney
I mean, they are sent to the
evening college by their
companies. All day long they
are working with computers,
knocking out data and
programs, ain't they? Whereas
all day long I am working with
a suitcase, knocking out
disposable lighters and
Turkish raincoats!
Albert
But even if you get your
diploma, what difference
will that make to Trotters
Independent Traders?
Rodney
I am not doing it for Trotters
Independent Traders! I'm doing
it for me! This diploma could
be my passport to freedom, a
decent job, a future! I mean,
I can't go on for the rest of
my life messing about with
this sort of junk, can I? He
wants me to stand in a market
flogging raincoats with 'dry
clean only' on the label!
Puts the punters right off!
Rodney picks up one of the trench coats.
Albert
Well, the way Del Boy was
telling the other day, the
futures' never looked
promising.
Rodney
Oh, Albert. That's all talk
innit? Haven't you seen the
changes in him? He's gone
all high-powered and trendy
ain't he? He saw that film
Wall Street about six bloody
times! There's a character
in that, right, called
Gordon Gekko. Now he's a
real tough, high-flying whiz
-kid right, and Del wants to
be just like him. He doesn't
seem to realize that Gordon
Gekko had brains. Del thinks
all you need's a Filofax and
a pair of red braces and
you're a chairman of the
board! Still, I will say one
thing for him: he's been
very encouraging with this
course at the evening
college.
Albert
Yeah, how?
Rodney
(Has to think
about it)
Well... well, he gives me a
lift there each week!
Del enters from the bedroom area. He wears a shirt and
tie and a pair of red braces. He carries a filofax and
has now taken to smoking his cigars with the aid of a
small, tortoiseshell cigar holder.
Del
That's the way, Rodney. Don't
bother about stocking up the
van for the morning. You just
carry on poncing about with
that computer.
Rodney
Derek, it is my college
evening and I am trying to
finish my homework!
Del looks over Rodney's shoulder at the work.
Del
That's very good, Rodney.
You'll get a star for that!
(Laughs)
I dunno why you bother, I
really don't. I mean, you've
always been the same, even
when you was at school, it's
always been books, learning,
education. That's why you're
no good at snooker.
Albert
Fancy a bit of grub, Del?
Del
(Picking up
some letters)
No thanks, Unc. Food is for
wimps, and I've got me
correspondence to catch up
with.
Rodney
It's tough at the top, eh
Del?
Del
We'll get to the top, Rodney,
no fear. This time next year
we will be millionaires!
(Reading one of
the letters)
Aha! Things are moving
already. This is from the
council. They've received my
application to buy this flat
and they're giving it
consideration.
Rodney
This flat? Why?
Del
Well, we've been living in it
since 1962. You were born in
it. He was banned from it. I
mean, we're all living in it,
you know the whole family.
There's Mum and Grandad and,
you know, everyone. This
place holds many warm
memories for me.
Rodney
But why do we need to buy it?
Del
So we can sell it!
Rodney
Sell it? What for?
Albert
A bloody good profit, with
any luck!
Del
Exactly. You see, Rodney,
Peckham here is becoming a
trendy area. I mean, it's
full of wine bars and
bistros, you know. Property
prices are booming. So if we
can flog this place to some
chinless wonder at a vastly
inflated price, well, that
means that we can get a nice
little drum out in the
suburbs.
Rodney
Del, council properties were
built so the poorer classes
would have somewhere to live!
If they start selling them to
hooray Henrys where they are
they gonna go?
Del
Esher, Orpington - somewhere
like that.
Rodney
But they can't afford to buy
houses!
Albert
They can when they've sold
their flats!
Del
Yeah, yeah, 'course they can.
It's money for old rope.
(Rubbing hands
together)
Lovely Jubbly!
Rodney
It is immoral!
Del
(Reading letter)
Oh shut up, you tart!
Rodney
Alright, think of it from our
business point of view, eh?
I mean this flat is in a
wonderful position. It's 15
minutes from the West End,
it's 15 minutes from the
motorway.
Albert
And 15 minutes from the ground.
Del
You're right, Rodders. I
ever thought of that!
(Writing in
filofax)
That's a very good selling
point. I'm gonna make a note
of that. That could put a
few grand on, Albert. Yeah,
don't worry. We'll make a
nice little bit of bunce out
of this old drum.
Rodney
You have got no right to sell
this place over my head!
Del
You listen to me. I have
lived here for 27 years, that
gives me the right to decide
its future!
Rodney
And I was born here! That
gives me more right than
anyone.
Albert
You might have been born
here, but Del's the one who
pays the rent arrears.
Del
Yeah, that's right, and you
just take how much I've paid
in rent over the years. I
must have bought this place
at least four or five times
over and yet not one breeze
block belongs to me - to us.
But all that is gonna
change!
Rodney
You're just a snob, that's
all you are!
Del
I am not a snob, Rodney; I am
a realist. I've grafted all
my life to try and get us a
nice little place out there
in the fresh air and look at
us - we're still here in this
council-built Lego set! I used
to watch you when you was a
kid, you know, breathing in
all the fumes from the motor-
way - you must have more lead
inside you than a butcher's
pencil, and I used to think,
what is it doing to his
little brain?
Albert
Too late now, son.
Rodney
Yeah, you see, that's right!
I'm a fully gro... What d'
you mean, it's too late now?
Albert
I mean you're a full-grown
man!
Rodney
Oh... Yeah, that's what I
was gonna say. Anyway,
you've only paid the rent
here since Mum died!
Del
Oh leave it out, Rodney.
I've been paying the rent
here ever since I was old
enough to 'op the wag! No-
one else in this family
ever worked. Mum tried her
best, but her health let
her down. And there was
Dad, he would have loved a
job but he had a sticky
mattress and there was
dear old Grandad, bless
him. He was about as useful
as a pair of sunglasses on
a bloke with one ear!
Everything we've got in
life has come through my
intelligence and my fore-
sight.
Rodney
Well, I'm glad somebody's
owned up!
Del
I don't know what you're
moaning about. You're life's
been a walk over. You never
had to graft for it when you
was a kid. I saw to it that
you didn't have to! But what
about me? When I was 11
years old, Rodney, Dad got
me two - count 'em - two
paper rounds. Every morning
come rain, sleet or shine,
there was Del Boy. 35 Daily
Sketches, 40 Heralds and a
Spick 'n' Span for the
weirdo in Marley Road! And
when Id' delivered them I
went to another shop and
started me second round! Dad
always said he'd get me a
bike!
Rodney
I worked when I was a kid as
well!
Del
When?
Rodney
When I was 11! When they were
introducing North Sea gas to
the area and you'd got hold
of that consignment of do-it-
yourself gas conversion kits,
you remember? That Sunday you
sent me down the Mountbatten
Estate with a barrow-load of
'em. All day long I was down
there knocking on doors. I
missed me Sunday dinner and
everything. And not one of
the gits down there had the
decency to tell me that the
Mountbatten Estate was all-
electric!
Del is obviously hiding a deep-felt guilt.
Del
Oh yeah, I remember you
coming back and telling me
about that.
Rodney
They just kept laughing at
me! I thought it was that
stupid flower-power shirt
you used to make me wear.
Del
That was a beautiful shirt,
that, Rodney!
Rodney
That was 'orrible! It was
pink with little red poppies
all over it.
Del
That had been very fashion-
able, once.
Rodney
But if you remember Derek,
at the time I happened to
be covered in chickenpox!
From a distance it looked
like I was stripped to the
waist! To this day I will
never know what possessed
you to send me to that
estate. I mean, you had
mates living there, so how
come you didn't know it
was all-electric?
Del
It was a long time ago
Rodders, I don't remember...
Alright, so you grafted as
well. He fought and died for
his country... many times!
Which gives us the right to
make a bit of profit out of
this dump.
Rodney
I wanna stay in this flat!
Albert
You can buy it off Del then!
Del
This is typical of you,
Rodney, you don't move with
the times. The world is
changing out there; it's a
financial jungle. It's a
question of he who dares,
wins, he who hesitates...
don't!
Albert
It's called the survival of
the fittest.
Rodney
No, Unc, it's called pull the
ladder up, Jack, and sod the
rest!
Albert
There are times when you have
to think of yourself, Rodney!
I remember once when I was in
the South Pacific.
Rodney
Don't you dare give me
another nautical nightmare!
I've already been through the
Adriatic with him once this
afternoon. It's like the
adventures of a Dover sole!
Del
Alright, Rodney. Look, we
won't move far away. There
are some lovely areas round
here. We'll buy a house that
befits people like us.
Rodney
What do you mean, people like
us?
Del
Well, yuppies.
Rodney
I am not a yuppy!
Del
No. But given time and a bit
of help from me...
Del pats Rodney reassuringly on the shoulder.
EXT. QUIET SUBURBAN, TREE-LINED AVENUE. DAY. FILM.
The road contains magnificent houses with in and out
drives.
The camera focusses on a street sign that reads "The
King's Avenue".
We pan up to show at least one of the houses before the
three wheeled van comes into view driving towards us
Del driving in a trendy green coat, and Rodney in the
passenger seat wearing one of the common or garden
beige trench coats as seen in the flat.
The van pulls to a halt.
Rodney
What you stopped for?
Del
(Gesturing to
houses)
Cop a load of this, bruv. I
mean, this is what you call
living. You know, I bet
these gaffs have guest
suites, swimming pools,
jacuzzis! What have we got?
A put-you-up, a damp patch
and a jakarsey!
Rodney
What do you reckon this sort
of place goes for then?
Del
Oh, I dunno, three-quarters
of a million, maybe more.
We'll be in one of those one
day, bruv.
Rodney
Oh yeah! What you got lined
up, a decorating job?
Del
No, listen to me. We just
need an half-decent break
and we'll be millionaires!
Rodney
Del, I wouldn’t live in this
road if you paid me! It's
poncy. It's... it's immoral!
Del
Immoral? What you going on
about, you dipstick?
Rodney
You've got something like 18
acres of land here with
about 12 families living on
it.
Del
These sort of people need a
bit of space round 'em,
don't they? I mean, down
here you've got stockbrokers,
private doctors... Porsches!
This is the crème de la
menthe of our community!
Rodney
You could house thousands of
people on this land!
Del
What, more tower blocks? If
you had your way, the only
growth industry would be
lift-repairing! Every time
you go to these evening
classes you end up talking
like Ken Livingstone or
Arthur Scargill. You wanna
watch it or you'll end up
with one of those funny
hair cuts.
Rodney
Are you gonna drive me to
the adult education centre
or are we gonna stand here
admiring the privets all
night?
Rodney climbs back into the van and slams the door.
Del
Make sure the door's closed,
Rodney.
Del climbs into the driver's seat.
Del
(Cont'd)
Look, Rodney. I wanna be
successful, but not for the
money. I want the power and
the influence that success
brings.
Rodney
And what will you do with
all this power and influ-
ence?
Del
Spend it!
EXT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE/URBAN ROAD. DAY. FILM.
It is a grand, old, pre-war building that was once most
probably civic offices. A sign outside reads: "Adult
Education. Business and Commercial Studies".
We see the van pull up opposite of road to building.
Del and Rodney alight. Rodney is carrying some paperwork
in files.
Del
Go on ten, hurry up Rodney.
They'll be calling the
register in a minute!
Rodney returns a sneer.
Del
Mind the road! Remember what
the Green Cross Road Man
said?
Rodney
You are getting on my bloody
nerves!
Rodney climbs the steps to the entrance door. A small
group of young people follow him up the steps.
Del
(Calls)
Rodney! Rodney! And if the
big boys gang up on you
again at playtime, you tell
the teacher!
Del roars with laughter. Rodney turns angrily at Del.
Rodney
Why don't you pi...
Rodney's mood turns pleasantly to the group of young
people.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Evening.
We can hear Del roaring with laughter in the back-
ground.
Now Cassandra ascends the steps.
Rodney stares at her. Del's laughter now means
nothing to him. H is smitten. He smiles at her and
she returns a polite smile, passes him and exits
to building.
Rodney watches her go.
Del
And don't go losing your
dinner money again!
Rodney hasn't even heard him. He just stares into the
building watching Cassandra. Rodney now enters the
building.
We cut across to Del who is still laughing to himself.
As he turns back towards the van, his attention is
drawn to something just a few yards away.
From Del's POV we see a rather trendy wine bar. Just
pulled up at the kerb is a Porsche from which two
attractive young ladies alight. They are yuppy slaves
of fashion. They enter the wine bar.
Del
Now that's a bit of me!
Del pulls his stomach in and tightens the belt of his
trendy green trench coat.
From inside the van, he produces an Arnie Becker
aluminium executive briefcase and, finally, the piece
de resistance, the filofax.
Holding the filofax prominently in front of him, he
strides confidently towards the wine bar.
INT. WINE BAR. DAY. STUDIO.
The interior is rather sparse and French. Marble-
topped tables with wrought iron legs, etc. It should
be quite crowded with early evening yuppies.
Marsha and Dale are standing at the counter, the
barman pouring them their usual.
Incorporated within the wooden or marble counter there
is a bar flap which at the moment is open.
We see Del enter in background. There is a slight
nervous edge to him, he knows he's in alien territory
but feels they will soon recognise that he is one of
them. He holds his filofax more prominently, like a
masons' handshake. He spots the girls and makes his way
to the counter area. A second barman enters, pulling
the bar flap down behind him.
Dale notices Del and nudges Marsha. They both smirk and
turn their heads away. They find Del a funny, odd
person.
Del
Oh - it's good to unwind,
innit?
Marsha
Sorry?
Del
I say, after a hard day in
the City, it's good to unwind.
Dale
I imagine it must be very
tiring.
Del
Tiring? Tired, yeah, I'm
cream crackered and that's no
lie! Well, I've been up since
six this morning trying to
talk to a bloke in New York.
Marsha
Why didn't you use a tele-
phone?
The girls burst out in squeals of laughter. Del can't
see the joke and can't see they are taking the rise
out of him.
Del
No, I've got a phone an' all
that. No, I mean, it's just
a long and stressful day in
the old commodities market.
It ain't all champagne and
skittles. Oh no - buying,
selling, making billion-
pound decisions. It's a git
of a journey home an' all!
Dale
What exactly do you buy and
sell in the commodities
market?
Del
Oh, you know, this and that,
whatever's going, you know.
Iron, ore, sugar beet. I
made a killing today on
olive oil. Gawd knows what
Popeye'll say when he gets
home!
Del laughs uproariously.
Barman
Can I get you anything, Sir?
Del
I'll have a bottle of
Beaujolais Nouveau.
Barman
Yes, sir.
Del
A '79.
The girls burst out laughing. Del is at first confused
by the laughter and then thinks he understands.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, Popeye? You got it, have
yer? That was a good 'un,
weren't it?
INT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE/URBAN ROAD. NIGHT. FILM
There are cars parked at the kerb outside of building,
including a rather nice BMW. The doors burst open and
a group of young people exit and descend the steps.
(This is to establish passage of time - night classes
have ended).
INT. FOYER OF EDUCATION CENTRE. NIGHT. FILM.
There are corridors, rooms and a flight of stairs. The
foyer is quite crowded with students of various races,
ages (although mostly young).
Along one wall runs a long coat rack from which people
are collecting their belongings.
Rodney comes down stairs and then sits on a bench
studying his paperwork. (We shall soon discover that
Rodney has in fact taken a woman's beige trench coat.
Smaller, and obviously more feminine than his own, but
similar enough for no-one to notice.)
Rodney
Oh bloody hell! How am I
s'posed to do all this?
Cassandra approaches carrying a beige coat over her
arm.
Cassandra
Hello!
Rodney looks up and reacts, surprised and delighted.
Rodney
Oh!
He realises his last remark was too enthusiastic and
cools it.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Hi!
Cassandra
Sorry to interrupt you.
Rodney
Oh what? No, it's alright,
just some computer data I've
to put into a program.
Cassandra
It looks very complicated.
Rodney
Well, yeah, it does look
difficult, but it's no
problem... My name's Rodney.
Cassandra
Cassandra.
Rodney
Oh Cassandra. That's a lovely
name.
Cassandra
Thank you. Um, I just wanted
to say...
Rodney
I'm glad we've bumped into
each other 'cos I was trying
to find a way of saying hello
to you and I think it's
really you know, sort of
liberated for you to make
the first move.
Cassandra
Move? No, you don't under-
stand. You've taken my coat!
Rodney looks at the coat he is holding. We now see that
it is a woman's coat.
Rodney
Oh, I am so sorry.
Cassandra
It's OK. They're very similar;
it's an easy mistake to make.
This one's yours.
Rodney
Well, how'd you know it's
mine?
We see on the inside collar of his coat that someone
has printed 'Rodney Trotter' in ballpoint pen.
Rodney
(Horrified)
Look, I didn't write this.
It's, it's most probably my
brother you know - his idea
of a joke!
Cassandra
Well, whatever. We've sorted
it out now.
Rodney
Yeah.
Cassandra
Well, nice meeting you.
Rodney
And you.
Cassandra smiles a goodbye and moves towards exit.
EXT. ADULT EDUCATION CENTRE. NIGHT.
Cassandra exits from building and starts to descend the
steps.
Rodney exits the building and catches up with her.
She is holding her car keys.
Rodney
Cassandra! I was wondering
whether you had time for a
quick drink?
Cassandra
Oh I'm sorry. I'm going out
with a friend tonight.
Rodney
Oh well, never mind! Um,
can I walk you to your car?
Cassandra considers the offer.
Cassandra
(With a smile)
Oh thank you.
Rodney
Pleasure.
They walk three steps to her car (the BMW) which is
parked directly outside the building.
Cassandra
Here we are!
Rodney
I didn't realise you were
parked so...
Cassandra
Thank you for getting me here
safely.
Rodney
Oh think nothing of it. Nice
car.
Cassandra
It's my father's.
Rodney
D'you live round this way?
Cassandra
Blackheath. How about you?
Rodney
Peckham.
Cassandra
Where are you parked?
Rodney
Me? Oh, I lent my car to my
brother. Well I wish I
hadn't now, after what's in
my coat, the little rascal!
Oh, I'll get a bus down the
terminus.
Cassandra
I'm going past the terminus -
if you'd like a lift?
Rodney
Oh thank you.
Rodney moves to passenger door wearing a look that tells
he can't believe his luck. Now a voice in the distance
calls him.
Del
Rodney! Rodders!
Rodney freezes and mumbles almost silently.
Rodney
Shit!!
Rodney pretends he hasn't heard Del. We now see Del
standing outside the wine bar.
Cassandra
I think someone's calling
you.
Rodney
Really?
Del
Hey, over here! I hung about
for you. I'll give you a
lift home.
Rodney
Oh yeah. That's - someone I
know. Well, thanks for the
offer Cassandra.
Cassandra
OK. Bye.
Rodney
Yeah, bye.
Rodney starts walking across road to Del. Cassandra is
still unlocking the car.
Del
Who's the tart?
Rodney
Shut up!
Rodney pushes Del in through the door of the wine bar.
INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT.
Del
What... what is the matter
with you? They given you
lines or something?
Rodney
Why did you write my name
inside that raincoat?
Del
(Can't hide
his smirk)
Mum said to me on her death-
bed...
Rodney
Look, why did you write it,
you git?
Del
Alright, alright. She said to
me, "Del Boy, make sure you
always write Rodney's name
in his clothes' that way no
one'll nick 'em." And I've
kept my promise to her.
Rodney
I was so embarrassed.
Del
Yeah, but no one nicked yer
coat, did they, eh? Oh come
on, come on, it was just a
joke, you touchy sod. Come
on, have a drink. I've got
some wine and some mineral
water. Right, I never like
Spitzers before, but now I'm
right into 'em.
Rodney
What are you still doing
here?
Del
Ah well, when I dropped you
off I followed these two
yuppy sorts, you know. Told
'em a few jokes, flashed me
Filofax. knocked 'em bandy!
Rodney
So where are they?
Del
They went to the ladies a
couple of hours ago and they
ain't come back yet. Still,
never mind, never mind eh?
There's plenty more where
they came from ain't there,
eh? That's an idea, why
don't we pull ourselves a
couple of sorts and go on to
a club?
Rodney sighs at Del's naivety and places his paperwork
in Del's aluminium briefcase.
Rodney
Nah, not me, Del. I'm off.
Del
Oh come on. You're not going
home already, are ya?
Rodney
No, definitely not home. Not
with Albert there. The last
thing I need right now is
another battle of the
Baltic! Look, stick them in
the van for me, would ya?
I'll see you later Del.
Del
Yeah, yeah, alright, bruv.
Yeah, I will, yeah.
As Del watches him leave he nibbles anxiously on the
end of the pen.
Barman
Excuse me, are you eating?
Del
No, I'm just nibbling it.
Barman
No, sir. Our bistro's just
open and I wondered if you'd
like a table for dinner?
Del
Not me John. Dinner is for
wimps.
INT. DISCO. NIGHT.
This should look like a genuine disco rather than a pub
which is turned into one at weekends. It should appear
crowded with the 20-35 year-old set. Loud, recent and
'real' records are played. The place should be alive
with movement, light and sound.
Lounging against the bar we see Rodney, who peers
despondantently into his pint of lager, Mickey Pearce,
still wearing his trademark, pork-pie hat, and Jevon.
As we find the three at the bar Mickey is practicing
his hobby of lying, this time concerning his conquests
with the girls at the disco.
Jevon is bored with Mickey's lies. Rodney isn't really
listening.
Mickey
Jevon! Jevon!
Jevon
What?
Mickey
See the blonde bird? I've had
her! And her mate. See that
black sort at the back there?
She's crazy about me! Phones
me all the time.
Jevon
You're a hell of a man,
Mickey.
Rodney
Mickey, are you doing this
for charity?
Mickey
What d'you mean?
Rodney
Well, I just wondered whether
it was sponsored bullshit.
Mickey
I'm telling you the truth,
Rodney!
Two attractive young girls pass by. They stop and smile
at Jevon.
Girl in Disco
Hi, Jevon.
Jevon
Wotcher, darling.
Girl in Disco
Not dancing tonight?
Jevon
Not at this precise moment in
time. But being a creature of
impulse, I am coiled like a
spring, ready to move with
sinuous grace when the music
takes me. If either of you
two should be in the vicinity
when this occurs then - who
knows - it could be your
lucky night!
The girls both sneer at his flashness, but it's an
enjoyable sneer (they like him and his style).
Jevon laughs out loudly at his own audacity as the girls
move on.
Jevon
OK - I've given you two
losers an audience, and now
it's time to do what I was
put on this earth to do - to
bring pleasure and excitement
into the lives of attractive
young women. And tonight's
lucky winner is the chick
sitting at the corner table.
We don't see her yet.
Rodney is too depressed to even look.
Mickey
Nah, you've got no chance
with her Jevon. I've seen
five blokes ask her for a
dance and she gave 'em all
a blank.
Jevon
Five ordinary mortals. She
hasn't met me yet.
Mickey
Just listen to it!
Rodney
Well, you carry on, Jevon. Me
and Mickey'll prepare the
alter.
Jevon
I'll wave to you as I leave.
Mickey
(Calls, sarcastically)
Don't forget, will yer?
(To Rodney))
That Jevon, he does the
business, though, don't he,
Rodney eh? Still, I taught
him everything he knows.
Rodney
Oh turn it up, Mickey. Last
time you went out with a
bird you took her to a Bay
City Rollers concert.
Mickey
What's the matter with you
anyway? You got a pimple on a
boil or something?
Rodney
Yeah sort of - it's called
Del Boy.
Mickey
Oh yeah. Yeah, he's getting
a bit noncy, ain't he
lately? I seen him walking
down the high street the
other day with his Filofax
held up in front of him. You
know, a lot of people
thought it was a protest
march.
Rodney
Yeah, well, he only uses it
for business, don't he?
Mickey
And what about that green
coat of his, eh? He's looks
a right poultice, don't it?
Rodney
Well, personally I think he
looks very smart.
Mickey
Oh leave it out, Rodney. He
looks like the Incredible
Hulk's little boy!
Rodney
Oh I'll tell him next time
I see him. I'm sure he'll
find a way of showing his
gratitude.
Mickey
You don't have to tell him,
do you? It's only a joke,
that's all.
Mickey quickly changes the subject.
Mickey
(Cont'd)
I don't believe it. It looks
like Jevon has fallen on
stony ground!
We cut to Jevon chatting to the girl at the corner table
- it is Cassandra. She is seated at table with her girl-
friend (Emma) of the same age and class. Cassandra is
smiling in a friendly and polite way but is obviously
turning down Jevon's pleading overtures.
We see Jevon finally admit defeat with a shrug an then
make an embarrassed approach to bar.
As Jevon leaves corner table, Cassandra spots Rodney.
She mouths the words 'Hi' and gives him a friendly
wave. She then turns and begins talking with Emma.
Even though she is no longer looking at him and he is
three seconds too late, Rodney returns the gestures
as Jevon arrives back at bar.
Jevon
She's a lesbian!
Mickey
Quick, Rodney, phone the AA,
tell them the sex machine's
broken down!
Jevon
D'you reckon you could do
any better?
Mickey
She probably likes the direct
approach instead of all that
old fanny you give 'em! Watch
the master and learn!
Mickey makes his way towards the corner. We find
Cassandra and Emma in mid-conversation, talking about
one of Emma's boyfriends.
Emma
I just never know whether to
believe him.
Cassandra
He always struck me as a
pretty straightforward type.
Emma
You don't know him like I
do!
Mickey arrives. He slaps Cassandra gently on the arm
with the back of his fingers.
Mickey
Do you wanna dance?
Cassandra
No!
Mickey
Right!
Mickey makes his way through the crowd to Rodney and
Jevon.
Mickey
Definitely a lesbian!
Rodney
Oh don't be stupid they're
all busy down the town hall!
She'd dance with me!
Mickey and Jevon burst into laughter.
Jevon
That's what we like about
you Rodney, we're always
guaranteed a laugh!
Mickey
Look, I'm a first dan of
lateral chatting and this is
God's foster son! So what
chance has a woll like you
got?
Rodney
I bet she'll dance with me!
Jevon
You bet, do ya? Right, a
tenner says she don't!
Mickey
I'll have some of that!
That's a score. Cover the
bet.
Rodney
Alright, I will!
Rodney produces a crumpled five and ten pound note. He
now searches his pockets for more money.
Jevon
Before you ask her to dance,
why don't you see if she'll
lend you a fiver?
Rodney
A score!
Mickey
You don't come to a disco
expecting to make a profit,
do ya?
Rodney
I'll see you two later.
With a deep, apprehensive breath, Rodney sets off to
the corner table.
Emma
He said he had a holiday home
near Marbella. It turned out
to be a caravan on the Isle
of Sheppey!
Cassandra
Well didn't you say something?
Emma
Yes, but he said distance was
relative.
Cassandra
Well I suppose he's got a
point. I mean compared to
somewhere like Melbourne the
Isle of Sheppy is near
Marbella!
Rodney
Hi!
Cassandra
Hello - again! Em, was there
something?
Rodney
What? Oh, yes. Would you like
to dance with me?
Cassandra
Thank you.
We see Mickey's and Jevon's faces drop. They turn and
look at each other in stunned silence as Cassandra and
Rodney dance to a slow number. Rodney look to his
friends and gives then an 'easy-peasy', 'no problem'
look or gesture.
Jevon is devastated, and Mickey is stunned, they turn
away and lean on the bar.
Mickey
He's paid her, that's what
he's done! He's offered her
arf the winnings!
Jevon
Mickey - shuddup!
INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Del is leaning on counter writing something in his
filofax.
He looks up and spots Trigger entering.
Del
(Calls)
Oh Trig! Trigger! Trig, over
here!
Trigger
Del Boy.
Del
Hiya.
Trigger
What you doing here?
Del
I'm always here. This is my
regular now.
(Calling barman)
John, get my mate a pint of
lager.
Barman
I'm afraid we don't serve
beer, sir.
Del
Oh. I remember now, yeah. It
wasn't selling too well so
they knocked it on the head.
D'you fancy a Spitzer?
Trigger
Er... yeah, I'll give it a
try.
Del
Yeah, anyway, what you doing
down here, Trig? I thought
you'd be in the Nag's Head.
Trigger
Yeah, I was, but Mike's just
barred me.
Del
Barred you. What for?
Trigger
He accused me of stealing one
of his pork pies. What do I
want his rotten pork pies
for? I don't even like pork
pies!
Del
Oh, he's right out of order,
that bloke.
Trigger
Oh I'm thinking of suing him
for def... defn...
Del
Slander.
Trigger
Yeah.
Del
I wouldn't worry about it,
Trig, if I were you. He's
done you a favour, actually.
I mean, look around. This
place is full of yuppy
sorts. Yeah, we can't go
wrong here. All we gotta do
is learn to speak their
language.
Trigger
Why, they foreign then?
Del
No, they're yuppies! They
don't speak proper English
like what we do. I mean,
I've bin earholing 'em. It's
all 'Ya', 'Soope' and 'Fab'.
And you've got to talk about
money. It's their favourite
subject. I mean, you chat
about money and it really
impresses them.
Trigger
Yeah?
Del
God's honest.
Trigger now spots the women standing next to him.
Trigger
I saw one of them old five
pound notes the other day.
Del
No, no, no, come here. I
don't mean talk about your
bloody coin collection, do I?
I mean, you just gotta talk
about your wealth.
Trigger
But I ain't got none of that!
Del
Nor have most of them. They-
're all living in sin with
their flexible friends. You
just gotta chat about it,
you just gotta talk, that's
all. Look, I'll show you how
it's done.
Del and Trigger swap places. Standing next to Del is an
attractive and well-spoken lady.
Del
(Cont'd)
Look, watch e, watch this.
(To woman)
It's all go when you're in a
high-profile business, innit
girls eh?
Girl
Really?
Del
Yes, 'cos I'm in stock and
shares meself, yeah. I bought
a few thousand shares in a
little department store this
afternoon. Now I've gotta
phone me lawyer and me
accountant. Gives you the
'ump, don't it? Excuse me,
sorry, how do you spell
'Arrods?
Girl
(Taking wine
from barman)
Capital 'A'!
Del
(Offended. to
barman)
Oh I say.
(Calls after
her)
Beam me up, Snotty! Need all
that don't ya?
Trigger
Yeah.
Trigger passes Del a pork pie.
Trigger
(Cont'd)
Want that? I don't like 'em.
Del
Cheers Trig.
INT. DISCO. NIGHT. FILM.
People are leaving.
Jevon is dancing a smooch with an attractive girl. He
stares deep into her eyes as if hypnotising her.
Mickey sits alone at bar. Rodney passes by with
Cassandra and Emma.
Rodney
See you around, Mickey.
Mickey
Rodney, Rodney, hang on.
Rodney stops, Cassandra and Emma continue towards the
cloakroom.
Mickey
(Cont'd)
What's happening, then eh?
Come on, what's she all
about?
Rodney
Her name is Cassandra, she
lives in Blackheath and she
is giving me a lift home!
Mickey
She's got a car?
Rodney
No she's giving me a cross-
bar! Of course she's got a
car! We're dropping her
friend off first, she lives
next door to Cassandra.
Mickey
You're going to Blackheath?
You can give me a lift
home, then eh?
Rodney
No!
Mickey
Oh go on. I'm goin' a club
over Blackheath. Just drop us
off somewhere and I'll walk
the rest of the way.
Rodney
No, 'cos, um, well, she's
only got a two-seater!
Mickey
Yeah? Then how's she driving
you and her mate home?
Rodney
No, look, Mickey.
Mickey
Jevon, we're off.
Jevon doesn't even look at them, he merely raises a hand
in their direction, like a blessing.
Rodney
You'd better not nause this
up for me, Mickey.
Mickey
Don't worry. I'll be on my
double best behaviour - the
complete gentleman.
Rodney
You'd better be!
Mickey
Promise! What's her friend's
name?
Rodney
Emma.
Mickey
She do a turn?
Rodney reacts.
Mickey
(Cont'd)
Sorry, don't get the 'ump!
INT. WINE BAR. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Del
You see, nowadays these
modern Eurobirds, they go for
the mature men who'd made it
in life.
Trigger
Yeah? Is that why we're
having no luck?
Del
I ain't tried yet! I'm just
building meself up for the
kill.
Trigger
Yeah, well, you'd better
hurry up. The first bell went
just now.
Del
Yeah, alright, alright.
Now the girl at table catches eyes with Del.
Del
(Cont'd)
Could be on a winner here,
Trig. Alright, play it nice
and cool, son, nice and
cool. You now what I mean?
Del smiles coolly and nods a greeting. The girl
returns the merest of smiles and turns away.
Inspired by his tiny success, Del leans off counter
and lights a cigar.
As he does so, the barman exits from counter area,
leaving the bar flap up. Del now leans coolly on the
non-existent flap and crashes straight through and
onto the floor.
He then stands back up and tries to regain his comp-
osure unsuccessfully.
Del
Drink up. We're going.
Trigger
Ain't you gonna try for them
birds?
Del
No, no, You're cramping me
style, Trig.
INT. CASSANDRA'S CAR. NIGHT. FILM.
Mickey
Me and Rodney live ear each
other. Do you know the
Nyerere Estate, Peckham?
Emma
No, I can't say I've ever
hear of it, no.
Mickey
Well, it's a rather lively
place, specially when the
militants hold a Mardi Gras!
Eh, Rodney? You two live in
Blackheath?
Cassandra
Yes.
Mickey
Hear, you heard of a drinker
round there called the 'Down
by the Riverside Club'?
Emma
No, I can't say I've ever
heard of that either. Where
is it?
Mickey
Well, ooh, it's down by the
riverside, innit?
Cassandra
I've heard of it. It's got a
terrible reputation, full of
unsavoury characters.
Mickey
(Offended)
I'm a member!
Cassandra
Whoops! Beg your pardon.
Mickey
That's alright, darling, I
didn't even hear it! Didn't
even hear it!
Rodney
Oh please, God!
Mickey
Alright, fair enough. You get
a few unsavoury characters
in there, but we enjoy our-
selves.
Emma
So do lynch-mobs!
Mickey
Ooh, bitchy! Just for that
I'm not gonna let you give me
a kiss good night.
Emma
Euurgh, God!
Cassandra
Here we are.
EXT. UPPER-CLASS AVENUE. NIGHT. FILM.
The houses are all detached and, although not in the
class of 'The Kings Avenue', are obviously expensive.
We see Cassandra's car pull to a halt outside of a very
nice looking house with well-tended gardens.
Her BMW is a two-door model so she and Rodney have to
alight to let Mickey and Emma out.
Emma
Night, Rodney.
Rodney
Good night, Emma.
Mickey
Here, Rodney, clock the
houses!
Rodney
Yeah, nice eh?
Mickey
Nice? You gotta be talking
300k! Gonna be a bit of a
culture shock for Cassandra
when she drops you off at
Nelson Mandela House, innit?
Anyway, I'd better walk it
from here eh? I'll see you,
Rodney.
(Calls)
Night, Cassandra. Good night
Emma... love you!
Cassandra
Good night.
Rodney
Look, I'm sorry about Mickey.
Cassandra
Don't be silly. We all have
friends who are - over the
top, shall we say?
Rodney
Yeah. He's probably still
upset about losing his money.
Cassandra
How'd he do that?
Rodney
Well you remember when I
asked you to dance? Well, I
did it for a bet.
Cassandra reacts.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Well, no, I didn't mean it
like that! Mickey said I
wouldn't have the guts to ask
you. But well, I did.
Cassandra
I get the feeling that hidden
in that statement somewhere
there's a compliment.
Rodney
Yeah, a big compliment.
Cassandra
Alright, then, I suppose we'd
better be getting you back to
- what was it called? The
Nyerere Estate?
Rodney
I don't live in the Nyerere
Estate!
Cassandra
But I thought Mickey said...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Mickey lives on the Nyerere
Estate. I live near it. I'll
show you.
Cassandra
(Slightly bewildered)
OK.
They climb into car.
EXT. A QUIET SUBURBAN TREE-LINED AVENUE. NIGHT. FILM.
We see Cassandra's car driving towards us. Her car
continues out of shot and we are looking at a road
sign which read: 'The King's Avenue.'
Rodney is peering from window, desperately searching
for the most impressive house.
Cassandra
What a lovely road you live
in.
Rodney
Yes, it's quite nice. Ah,
here we are.
From Rodney's POV we see a magnificent house with a
Mercedes parked in the driveway.
Cassandra
You lucky thing, what a great
house.
Rodney
Oh well, I don't notice it
really, you know. It’s just
a place to lay my head.
Ah, good, my brother got the
car home safely. Well, thanks
for the lift, Cassandra.
Cassandra
Pleasure.
Rodney
That's my number. Give me a
ring sometime - if you want
to.
Cassandra
Thanks. Well, good night.
Rodney
Night.
Rodney leans his face tentatively towards Cassandra's.
She leans forward and they kiss gently. Inspired by this
small success Rodney moves his right arm as if to put it
round her and get down to more serious stuff.
Cassandra
(Fending him
off)
Good night, Rodney!
Rodney
Yes, of course.
Rodney takes his trenchcoat from the back seat and gets
out of the car.
He walks a few yards to the driveway of the house then
waves back to Cassandra.
The lights of the house are on.
We see that Rodney is scared of being discovered by
the owners.
He takes a few steps onto the driveway and calls back
to Cassandra.
Rodney
Byeee!
(To Himself)
Please drive away!
We cut to the house where there is the silhouette of a
woman staring out at Rodney from an upstairs window.
Rodney
Oh my God!
He turns to the car.
Cassandra waves to him and then points to upstairs window
as if telling him that his family are there.
Rodney looks to the house. The woman has been joined by
her husband at the window.
Rodney with nerves taut, eyes wide and unblinking, waves
to his 'family.'
Rodney
Hi, I'm home. Please,
Cassandra, go!
Cassandra now drives away.
Rodney rushes for the protection of some bushes out on
the public footpath.
He waits until he thinks the coast is clear. We now
hear a clap of thunder. A few raindrops appear on the
ground. Rodney puts his 'raincoat' on.
We now see he has taken Cassandra's coat again.
Rodney looks up to heaven as the rain starts falling
more heavily.
Rodney
Cosmic. Cos bloody-mic.
INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. STUDIO.
Lightning flickers across window and rain gushes down
the panes.
Del is seated in armchair. He is wearing a set of head-
phones and listening to a record which is playing on
his stereo turntable.
By his expressions and hand movements, we would imagine
he's listening to some great orchestral piece.
Albert enters from kitchen carrying a black rubbish
sack.
Albert
Del, Del Boy, Del!
He walks across and hits Del on the arm (the same he
injured in the wine bar).
Del
(Leaping up
in pain)
Aauughh! What'd you wanna do
that for, you soppy old
duffer?
Albert
Bloody 'ell, I don't realise
me own strength!
Del
It has nothing to do with
your strength. I was having
a few drinks earlier this
evening in a very trendy
wine bar with some of my
yuppy friends when I
happened to fall arse over
head!
Albert
You're gonna do yourself a
lot of damage if you ain't
careful.
Del
(Referring to
arm)
I've already done meself a
lot of damage!
Albert
I mean, you're not eating -
eating's for wimps! And
you're drinking so much
you're falling over in
boozers!
Del
I wasn't drinking, in fact I
was on some very trendy
funny-tasting trendy
water... oh forget it!
Albert
I'm getting rid of that
rubbish in the kitchen. Do
you want me to chuck any-
thing else down the chute?
Del
Not unless you're feeling in
a kamikaze mood!
Albert
Look, why don't you let me
do you some grub eh?
Del
Yeah, alright Uncle. I am
feeling a bit hungry. Do me
a health-conscious fry-up
will ya?
Albert exits to kitchen and Del takes the record from
the turntable.
Del
I don't care what they say,
you can't whack The Who.
He places record in sleeve.
The door from hall bursts open and Rodney fills the
doorway. He is wet, drenched, soaked to the skin. He
has Cassandra's coat over his head but his hair is
still soaked. He is breathing heavily in anger and
exhaustion.
He stares at Del, daring him to make a funny remark.
Del
Alright?
Rodney
What?
Del
I said, alright?
Rodney
Triffic!
Del
What's it like out?
Rodney
There's a few spots of rain
in the air!
Del
Yeah? It might help us shift
some of those raincoats.
Del indicates the coats hanging round the room.
He picks up Cassandra's coat and examines it.
Del
Blimey, that one shrunk. Come
on, let's have it here. Did
you have a good night?
Rodney
Not too bad.
Del
I stayed on at the wine bar
for a while, it's very nice,
my sort of place. Then I
went on for a drink - down
by the riverside! Mickey
Pearce called in at the last
knockings and he told me
that you'd met this posh
tart and she'd given you a
lift home in her flash car.
Rodney
Yeah, that's right.
Del
What's she got, a convertible?
Rodney
No! I asked her to drop me
off half way. I fancied a
walk.
Del
What, in this weather?
Rodney
Lots of people enjoy walking
in the rain.
Del
Yes I know, but they're
usually recaptured pretty
quickly.
Rodney goes to pour himself a brandy but finds the
bottle is empty.
Rodney
Del, this bottle's empty.
Del
Chuck it in the rubbish...
it's alright, Rodney, you
can't hide the truth from me.
I know what happened tonight.
I can read you like a book.
Rodney
You know nothing, Del, so keep
your nose out.
Del
I've got 20 notes here -
look, there they are - they
say that I can guess what
happened tonight. G'on then,
you cover that.
Rodney
Alright, go'n then, know-all,
tell me!
Del
Alright. That Mickey Pearce
said that this Cassandra
sort lived in a right nice
drum.
Rodney
Yeah, so?
Del
So this is what I think
happened. You've seen her
house and the snob in you
came racing to the surface
and you thought: "Ooh, how
can I take her back to
Nelson Mandela House?" So
on your way home, you've
made her drive up some
right posh road - somewhere
like The King's Avenue -
and you stopped at some
right nice little mansion
and you pretended that's
where you lived!
Rodney
You don't half talk a load of
rubbish!
Del
Is that the truth?
Rodney
Yes!
Del
Thank you very much indeed.
That's it, Rodney, you see,
you're like an open book, my
son - and it's thicker than
my Filofax!
Del exits to bedroom area.
Rodney, his anger at boiling point, searches the room
for something of Del's to damage.
Rodney
I'll file your fax for you!
He finds the filofax, and dumps it in the rubbish sack.
Albert enters from kitchen.
Albert
Still raining?
Rodney
No, I took a short cut through
a car wash!
Albert
Alright, boy, don't have a go
at me, I only asked! I'll
chuck this stuff down the
chute.
Del enters from bedroom area, carrying a towel. He
throws it at Rodney.
Del
Here y'are, dry yourself off.
You should never be ashamed
of where you live, Rodney.
Look, I want better than this
but I'm not ashamed of it.
Rodney
Oh but Del, you should have
seen her road. There weren't
one window boarded up, all
the lamp posts worked. I
meant what would she have
thought if she'd have come
back here eh? Well, just
keep driving straight past
the burnt-out panda car,
Cassandra, and I live just
before the next barricade.
Del
I know how you feel, Rodney.
I've been through the same
emotions meself.
Rodney
You?
Del
Yes, me. Well it was about 15,
16 years ago. I met this bird.
She was from Texas.
Rodney
What, the do-it-yourself place?
Del
No, no. Texas in America. She
was some oil baron's
daughter. She had one of
these long double-barreled
funny names like Elly-May or
something like that.
Rodney
How would you meet an oil
baron's daughter?
Del
I was working in the Tower
of London at the time. I was
doing the old Happy Snaps,
you know? Second-hand
Brownie, no film, pound a go
- Lovely Jubbly! One day she
asked me to take a picture
of her and a Beefeater and
one of them big crow things,
right? So, anyway, we got
chatting and I offered to
show her round London. So,
anyway, after a little while
we fell deeply in love with
each other... Cor, what was
her name? Now, anyway, it
doesn't matter, anyway. You
know what she said to me one
day?
Rodney
Where's my picture?
Del
No! She paid me a very great
compliment. She said when
she met me it reminded her
of the day that President
Kennedy was killed.
Rodney
And that's one of the nicest
compliments you've ever had?
Del
Don't you see what she meant?
Rodney
No.
Del
Well, I like to think that
she meant that everyone
remembers where they were
the day they met Del
Trotter.
Rodney
She might not have meant that!
Del
Well what else could she have
meant?
Rodney
Well I don't know. Perhaps
she meant you looked, yeah,
you looked like Lee Harvey
Oswald!
Del
I don't look like Lee Harvey
bleed 'n' Oswald. Cor, who's
Lee Harvey Oswald?
At this point Albert has entered from hall.
Albert
He's the bloke what shot
Kennedy. You look a bit like
him, Del.
Del
No, I don't.
Albert
No, of course you don't. You
look nothing like him. I'll
get your grub.
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
So, anyway, what's you and
Peggy-Sue gotta do with me
and Cassandra?
Del
'Cos she wanted to see where
I lived and I had the same
struggle with my conscience
as you've had. I was fright-
ened if I brought her back
here she might think less of
me.
Rodney
So you didn't?
Del
No, I did.
Rodney
When?
Del
Well, it was one Sunday,
years ago now.
Rodney
Well, where was I?
Del
You was down the Mountbatten
Estate selling them gas
conversion kits.
Rodney
You bastard! You sent me down
there on purpose with
chickenpox. You just wanted
to get rid of me so you and
Annie bloody Oakley could
have the flat to yourselves!
Del
It wasn't like that, Rodney,
wasn't like that. I was
trying to present you with a
challenge.
Rodney
What, selling gas conversion
kits on an all-electric
estate? That's a challenge
and a half that it!
Del
No, it's alright, listen,
I'll tell you the truth.
Alright, so I wanted to get
rid of you for a couple of
hours. I mean, I was serious
about her and wanted to make
the best impression
possible. I just thought,
well, bringing her back to
this tower block's bad
enough but, I mean, if she
saw you in that dopey shirt
and your face covered in
Randolph Scotts, well,
that'd be good night Vienna,
wouldn't it?
Rodney
So she come back here?
Del
Yeah. I gave her a pot of
tea and a Lyons Victoria
sponge. It was very nice.
Rodney
And did she, you know, think
any less of you?
Del
I dunno - I never saw her
again. I mean she went home,
you know, her holiday was
finished.
Rodney
Did she write to you?
Del
Cor blimey, look at it, it's
bucketing down out there,
innit?
Albert enters from kitchen with a plate of egg, bacon
and beans.
Albert
Here are, Del Boy.
(To Rodney)
Oi, some little bird phoned
for you about 15 minutes ago.
I think she'd been on drugs.
She said you'd left your coat
in the back of her car and
she'd taken it back to your
house in the King's Avenue.
The people there had never
heard of you.
Rodney
You conning git! You knew
all along what had happened!
Gimme that money back!
Del
(Now laughing)
No, no. You've learnt a very
valuable lesson tonight,
haven't you? Don't gamble.
You never know when the
cards have been stacked.
Albert
I said, of course they'd
never heard of him, he
don't live in the King's
Avenue, he lives on the
Nyerere Estate!
Rodney
You told her where I lived?
Well, bang goes another
dream.
Del
Not necessarily, bruv. She
phoned up, left her phone
number and said that she'd
wait up 'til midnight for
you to call her.
Rodney
You're kidding?
Albert
She said she wants to hear
from you tonight because
she's going out tomorrow to
buy a couple of tickets for
some pop concert.
Del
I bet it's Wet Wet Wet!
Rodney
Yeah, I bet! Ah cheers, Del.
Where's her number?
Del
In my Filofax.
Rodney
G-i-t!
Rodney rushes out through hall door as Del and Albert
look at each other incredulously.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.