INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is seated at the table working something out with
the help of a calculator and many grubby receipts, etc.
Del is seated watching TV. He is wearing a silk dressing
gown and matching silk pyjamas. He smokes a big cigar
and sips an exotic cocktail. His air of civility suggests
he is at one with the world, in other words they've been
earning recently.
Rodney
Have you any idea how much
money we've made recently?
Del
Loads of bunce, Rodders,
loads of bunce.
Rodney
We've made nearly two
thousand pounds in the last
month!
Del
Am I a genius or just a
miracle worker?
Rodney
We've sold over four hundred
of those ladies electric
razors.
Del
I told you they'd sell,
didn't I?
Rodney
You'd never guess there was
that much hair about, would
you?
Del
Oi, you chuck all those
receipts and bills down the
chute. I don't want no
evidence left in the flat.
Albert enters from his bedroom. He is carrying a
battered old black tin box.
Rodney
(Referring to
the box)
What's that dirty looking
thing?
Del
That is your Uncle, Rodney,
please show a bit more
respect!
Del and Rodney laugh.
Del
(Cont'd)
Help yourself to a drink,
we're celebrating.
Albert
Yeah, thanks, son. This is
from my old days, Rodney.
All those years ago when I
used to sail the seven
seas.
Rodney
What is it, treasure?
Albert has opened the box and produces a bundle of
tattered and brown letters and photographs, etc.
Albert
No, just a few old photos
and letters from my days in
the navy. It's nothing much
- just me memories!
Del
Don't worry. Rodney's chuck-
ing a whole load of gear
down the chute in a minute,
he'll get rid of it for
you.
Albert
This is a history of my
life!!
Del
That's why I thought you'd
wanna get rid of it!
Rodney has picked up one of the photographs.
Rodney
Is that you?
Albert
Yeah. That's when I first
joined the navy. Seventeen
I was.
Rodney
You ain't changed, Unc.
Del
What d'you mean, he had a
big white beard then?
Rodney
No, I mean he's wearing the
same clothes!
Del and Rodney laugh.
Albert
What's the matter with you
two daft sods?
Del
We've had a blinding month.
(Picking up a
photo)
What's this one? '1941. My
birthday party on board HMS
Peerless.' Cor, they look a
bunch of toerags, Albert!
Albert
Yeah. That's me and some of me
mates when we was serving out
in the South China Sea. They
were brave lads, Del. Look at
'em, like steely-eyed young
lions.
Del
Yeah. You look more like
Clarence the cross-eyed
lion!
Albert
Well, I'd just been to a
nightclub celebrating me
birthday.
Rodney
Who's the bloke with the G-
string and the ruby in his
belly-button?
Albert
That's one of the dancing
girls from the nightclub.
We'd sneaked her back to
'show her round HMS
Peerless!'
Albert gives out a licentious laugh.
Del
You dirty old goat!
Albert
The captain used to call it
'A submarine hunter'. But she
was nothing more than an old
tug.
Del
(Studying photo)
Yeah, she looks like a rough
and ready girl.
Albert
I'm talking about HMS Peer-
less!
Del
Oh sorry!
Albert
Just a few hours after that
photo was taken we was in
action.
Rodney
(Studying photo)
I'm surprised it took you
that long!
Albert
A Japanese sub was spotted
in the area.
Del
That's all you need, innit?
Albert
There was an American
aircraft-carrier, anchored
off-shore. The USS
Pittsburgh. It was our job
to protect her. Well, we'd
only been sailing for about
an hour and we crashed right
into her. Cor, didn't half
make a noise!
Del
(Incredulous)
You went and whacked into
the boat that you were going
out to protect?
Albert
Yeah. It was a good job she
was there actually, she
picked up most of the
survivors.
Rodney
Was your ship badly damaged?
Albert
We couldn't tell, Rodney, it
sunk. Course, they tried to
put the blame on me.
Del
Sounds fair.
Albert
Just 'cos I was on watch at
the time. I had me excuses
ready.
Rodney
What, you were drunk?
Albert
Don't be silly! The American
vessel was at battle
stations and was showing no
light. You weren't allowed,
there was a war on.
Del
Course there was.
Albert
So then they tried to get me
on naval technicalities,
like it happened in broad
daylight.
Rodney
You didn't see an aircraft
carrier?
Del
Forty-two thousand tons of
steel!
Rodney
In broad daylight!
Albert
Well, I wasn’t close enough!
Rodney
You must have been reasonably
close, Unc, you hit it!
Del
They'd have stood more chance
with Ray Charles in the
crow's nest!
Albert
Well, I mean I wasn't up on
deck. I was in the radar room
watching the screen. I
couldn't make head nor tail
of it. It was all blibs and
blobs. Still, the Japanese
sub had it away a bit lively.
Rodney
I suppose it didn't feel
needed with you around. Did
you get into trouble for it?
Albert
Court-martial. The papers
were sent to naval
headquarters, Singapore.
Rodney
You were court-martialled?
Albert
No. As luck would have it,
before my trial the
Japanese invaded! And I
never heard another word
about it. And the blokes in
my lifeboat used to say I
was unlucky!
Albert exits.
Del
That was a bit strong, try-
ing to court-martial him.
Rodney
He had just ruined a
perfectly good aircraft-
carrier.
Del
Yeah, but it was his birth-
day!
Rodney
Oh yeah, I forgot!
(Looking at the
photo)
But not for long though!
This picture was taken at
his birthday party in 1941,
right? You seen the date?
Del
That's about a fortnight's
time, innit?
Rodney
Yeah. You don't think the
ancient mariner was trying
to let us know so that we'd
arrange a birthday treat,
do you?
Del
Wash your mouth out with
soap and water, Rodney. Your
Uncle Albert is not a crafty
person! He's as cunning as a
lighthouse rat! The sly old
git! Right, he wants a
surprise for his birthday
does he?
Rodney
What you gonna do?
Del
Dunno yet, but I'll think of
something to pull him up a
bit lively!
Rodney
Let's give him one of those
electric razors!
They both break down laughing.
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
This is lunchtime. We can hear piano music. Boycie is
at the bar wearing his usual wide-awake clothes. Mike
is leaning on the bar and looking grimly in the
direction of the piano. We see Albert at the piano.
He is playing an off-key middle eight to some
mysterious song.
Mike and Boycie cringe at his efforts. After eight or
nine seconds of this, Albert picks up the final chorus
of the song.
Albert
(Singing)
I'm in the mood for love.
Albert runs to take his ovation.
Mike
(To Boycie)
Why does he keep doing it,
eh?
Boycie
Gawd knows. I suppose at
some time in his life some-
one told him he could play
the piano.
Mike
Yeah, but I'd like to meet
the git who told him he
could sing!
Boycie
He's a Trotter! What more
can you say about the man?
A couple of years ago I
went down the local library
and read some ancient
manuscripts written by the
Elders of Peckham. Did you
know, five hundred years
ago this was a green and
peaceful area? The old Earl
of Peckham had a castle
where the Kwik-Fit exhaust
centre now stands. Flaxon-
haired maidens used to
dance round the village
maypole of an evening. And
then one fateful medievil
day, the Trotter clan
arrived in a stolen Zephyr.
Before you knew it the
flaxon-haired maidens were
up the spout, the old Earl
had been sold some hooky
armour and someone nicked
the maypole! A hundred
years after that the Black
Death arrived in England.
The people of Peckham
thought their luck had
changed.
Mike nudges Boycie and gestures towards entrance door.
Mike
'Ere, talk of changing luck,
look at this!
We see that Trigger has just entered. He is wearing a
brown two-piece suit, a purple shirt, orange tie
covered with a colourful V'neck jumper and is
carrying a small spray of flowers.
Trigger
Alright Boycie?
Boycie
Well, I was!
Mike places a drink on counter in front of Trigger.
Mike
There you go Trigg, there's
a scotch, mate.
Trigger
How did you know I wanted a
scotch?
Mike
'Cos if I was dressed like
that, I'd want a scotch.
Boycie
Er, is this something to do
with a new religion?
Trigger
I'm taking a lady out to
lunch.
Mike and Boycie
(Incredulously)
You sure?
Trigger
Yeah, positive. I've booked
us a table at that little
Italian place opposite. I
thought I'd better try an'
make an impression.
Boycie
Well you'll certainly do that
Trigg, no worries.
Trigger
Thanks, Boycie.
Del and Rodney enter. Del calls towards the bar.
Del
Good morning, Michael. Same
again for Boycie, a non-
alcoholic lager-top for
Rodney, a Malibu and
cherryade for moi, and one
for yourself.
(Looking at
Trigger)
Is it Comic Relief Day again?
It only seems a little while
ago.
Mike
(Interrupting him)
No, it ain't Comic Relief
Day.
Trigger
I've got a date.
Rodney
You wanna watch them stones,
'cos Del got one caught in
his throat last Christmas.
Trigger
No, Dave. I mean I've got a
lunch date with a lady.
Del and Rodney
You sure?
Trigger
Yeah! I've gotta meet her in
a couple of minutes. I just
popped in for some Dutch
courage.
Del
Who is it? Anyone we know?
Trigger
You don't know her. Come to
that, I don't know her
either.
Mike
How d'you mean?
Trigger produces some paperwork.
Trigger
These people arranged it for
me.
All
'The Technomatch Friendship
and Matrimonial Agency'!
Del
You've been to a computerised
dating firm?
Trigger
Yeah. They've just opened up
down the High Street, so I
thought I'd have twenty-five
quids worth, see what occurs.
Boycie
So what's the bird look like?
Trigger
I dunno, they don't show you
pictures of each other.
Mike
That's a bit risky, innit?
Del
(Defending Trigger)
Well, that's her problem!
Trigger
They fed all my information
into a computer and it came
out with a woman who was
compatible with me.
There are fearful reactions as to what this woman might
look like.
Trigger
(Cont'd)
That's what I like about
this agency, you know where
you stand with 'em - they
insist on honesty.
Boycie
So you told 'em you're a
road sweeper?
Trigger
No, I told 'em I was a bus
inspector.
Rodney
Why?
Trigger
To add a bit of glamour!
Rodney
Oh yeah, good idea.
Trigger downs the whiskey in one gulp.
Trigger
Right then, here goes. I'll
see you later.
Trigger exits.
Boycie
Well, rather him than me.
He's walking straight into
the unknown.
Mike moves down the bar to serve customers.
Rodney
It's a bit like that tele-
vision programme, innit?
Boycie
Yeah.
Rodney
You know, Blind Date.
Boycie
Oh, I thought you meant
That's My Dog!
(Laughs)
Marlene and Duke sit and
watch that - soppy as sacks
the two of 'em - Duke gets
more questions right than
her.
Del moves down the bar towards Mike.
Del
Mike, can I have a word about
Albert?
Mike
Well, there's a coincidence
Del, I wanted to have a word
with you about him as well.
Del
He's not still singing here
of an evening, is he?
Mike
Oh no, no, no, no. He’s doing
matinees now! My pie sales
have fallen!
Del
I'll have a word with him,
Mike. Look, listen, I wanted
to ask a favour. It's
Albert's birthday in a
couple of weeks' time and I
wanted to throw a little
party for him.
Mike
What, in here?
Del
Well, yeah, yeah a few
drinks, a bit of grub, that
sort of thing. I'll stick a
hundred and fifty across
the counter to cover it.
Mike
You can have the pub on one
condition - he doesn't sing!
Del
Fair enough, Mike.
Mike
He doesn't use no bad
language in front of the
ladies.
Del
Righto, Mike.
Mike
And he doesn't dance.
Del
Gotcher, Mike.
Mike
He tells no rude jokes.
Del
Goes without saying, Michael.
Mike
And he don't drink too much.
Del
Perish the thought.
Mike
He just sits down quietly and
soberly and enjoys himself.
Del
He's gonna be really looking
forward to this, Mike. Thanks
for everything.
Del returns to Rodney and Boycie.
Del
(Cont'd)
He makes up more rules than
the common market that bloke!
Be honest, he's ruining this
pub ain't he?
Boycie
I honestly wouldn't know, Del
Boy, I'm very rarely in here
these days. I spend most of my
free time down at the lodge.
Rodney
Oh of course, the lodge.
What is it you've become, a
Buffalo?
Boycie
I am not a Buffalo! I am a
pukka mason, secret hand-
shakes, initiation
ceremonies, the works!
Del
What d'you wanna join that
bunch of dipsticks for?
Boycie
It is a great honour to be
chosen! It is not something
you turn down lightly,
Derek. Oh no, it's changed
my life. I'm involved with a
lot of charity work. I'm
helping the local needy and
underprivileged. It's got
it's good side as well. Us
masons vow to help each
other in business whenever
humanly possible.
Rodney
It sounds like a load of old
snobs trying to clone
another load of old snobs.
Boycie
We're not snobs! Anyone can
join. We come from all walks
of life, right across the
social spectrum. We've got
estate agents, a judge, a
commissioner of police, the
mayor. We've got all sorts!
Rodney
Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett!
That is not all walks of
life, Boycie!
Boycie
We got, a...er, we got...
a... got a television
director!
Rodney
Yeah, what's he do? Film the
secret handshakes in case
you wallies forget?
Del is creased up with laughter.
Rodney
Listen, I'm gonna have a chat
with Mickey and Jevon.
Mickey and Jevon
Rodney!
Del
I'm popping down the betting
shop. I'll pick you up
later, alright?
Rodney moves over to where Mickey and Jevon are
standing.
Boycie
What is the matter with that
boy? He's all social
conscience!
Del
He's one of life's carers,
ain't he? He reminds me a
bit of my mum, don't he
you?
Del exits.
Boycie
Yeah.
(To himself)
Standing in the corner of
a pub with two geezers!
EXT.DAY. ITALIAN RESTAURANT.
This could be the Nag's Head car park.
Del exits from the pub and moves towards the van. He
now does a double-take on something he has seen on
the opposite side of the road.
From Del's point of vie we see Trigger, still carry-
ing the spray of flowers, and his date entering the
Italian restaurant. His date is a woman in her
mid-thirties. She is slim, smartly dressed and
attractive.
Del
I don't believe it! That's
a woman!
He watches as the waiter shows them to a window table.
Trigger hands her the spray. She smiles and thanks
him politely. Del turns and walks to the van, shaking
his head in confusion.
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
We are in the bar.
Rodney is still in the background talking to Mickey
and the immaculate Jevon.
We see Nerys. She is an attractive and shapely
nineteen-year-old. Although she speaks with a south
London accent and her clothes are geared to
accentuate her figure, she is not a tart. She is in
fact a rather nervous and neurotic type although
she hides this rather well.
Rodney moves up behind her.
Rodney
Wotchyer, Nerys.
Nerys
(Jumps)
Oooh! You made me jump!
Rodney
It's only me. Can I get you
a drink?
Nerys
I've got one.
Rodney
Oh. Nerys, I was wondering,
maybe if you'd quite like to
go out somewhere during the
week.
Nerys
Where?
Rodney
I don't know, anywhere.
Nerys
Who with?
Rodney
Well... me.
Nerys
Yeah, alright then. But I
work at nights so have to be
during the day.
Rodney
Oh, I'll have to see if I
can get a day off.
Nerys
But you told me you run the
business.
Rodney
Well, yeah, yeah I do. I do
run the business but y'know
I don't like leaving Del in
charge, he mucks me system
up. I'll phone you on it.
Nerys
Alright then. I'll see you
in the week.
Rodney
Right.
Now we see Mickey and Jevon whispering to each other.
They are obviously plotting some wind-up.
Jevon
(Quietly to
Mickey)
Go'n then, go'n!
Mickey
You come with me!
The two approach Rodney.
Mickey
Alright, Rodney? How did you
get on with Nerys?
Rodney
Okay.
Jevon
I'll bet you didn't get a
date with her!
Rodney
Save your money, Jevon my
man. I'm taking her out next
week.
Jevon
How did you manage that?
I've been trying to date her
for ages - and bear in mind
who's talking here. I've had
to employ a secretary to
handle all my dates!
Mickey
Rodney has got something you
haven't got, Jevon. It's a
thing called Machismo! I've
told you before, Nerys is
turned on by macho-men!
Rodney reacts curiously to this.
Mickey
(Cont'd)
I have known Rodney a lot
longer than you and he can
be a right hard nut when
he wants to be!
Rodney
(Shrugs modestly)
Well!
Mickey
And that is what Nerys goes
for. Muscle and sweat.
Jevon
Yeah, but Rodney's no Master
of the Universe.
Mickey
But he has the aura of inner
strength!
Rodney
I'm wirey, see.
Mickey
Nerys likes guys who live
their lives a hundred miles
an hour. And they reckon
when she's hot she is hot!
The only guy who could put
her out is Red Adair and
he's too expensive!
Jevon
Yeah, well I think you
should treat a chick with
consideration.
Mickey
And that's why you'll never
get a date with Nerys. She
prefers a bunch of fives to
a bunch of flowers. But if
my main man here plays his
cards right... See you big
guy!
Rodney is now mentally King of the Bronx.
Rodney
Hey.
Jevon
Take care.
Rodney
(Slapping hands
with Jevon)
Yo.
Jevon
(Another slap)
Bro.
Rodney & Jevon
(Another slap)
Woh!
The last slap hurts Rodney's palm.
Rodney walks towards the exit. It is more of a strut!
A pimp roll. We cut back to Mickey and Jevon who are
creased with laughter. One of the younger guys
(Chris) enters and approaches them.
Chris
What's happening?
Mickey
Rodney Trotter's just got
himself a date.
Jevon
And we've convinced him she
likes really tough, macho-
men!
Chris
Who's the bird then?
Jevon
Nerys.
Chris
What, nervous Nerys?
Mickey and Jevon
Yes!
The three of them are laughing uproariously.
EXT. DAY. FILM. BUSY LONDON HIGH STREET.
We are in an elevated position.
Opposite us we see the three-wheeled van at a parking
bay with an out-of-order bag over the meter. The van
is parked outside a shop which has been converted
into an office and has frosted glass windows to give
privacy to his clients.
Across the frosted glass is printed: 'Technomatch
Friendship and Matrimonial Agency'.
INT.DAY. TECHNOMATCH AGENCY.
It is a light and pleasant modern office.
The agent is a smartly-dressed man in his mid-thirties.
He has a computer and screen in front of him into
which he prints information from Del's answers.
Agent
So can you tell me, what kind
of person are you looking
for?
Del
Well... a bird?
Agent
Yes. But are there any
particular requirements?
Del
A local bird if possible, I
don't want too much of that
driving lark.
Agent
So you're not looking for a
special type of person?
Del
Well, she's got to be a bit
of a sort!
Agent
A bit of a sort?
Del
Well, everything in the right
place, you now. She must be
a bit refined.
Agent
Must she?
Del
Oh yes. I don't want you
lumbering me with some old
bow-wow who don't know the
difference between a
Liebfraumilk and a can of
Tizer!
The agent's expression tells us that he has never quite
met anyone like Del before.
Agent
Quite!
Del
I'm a bit of a culture
vulture meself you see.
Agent
Ah, a man of the arts.
Del
Oh yes, you can't whack it.
And you can tell the lucky
lady she is guaranteed a
steak meal.
Agent
(Fazed)
A steak meal?
Del
Guaranteed! Do you wanna put
that on your floppy disc, or
what?
Agent
Yes, I'll make a note. A steak
meal. Now please don't feel
pressurized by this next
question. We're not trying to
force you into any decision
or commitment. The question
is simply asked to protect our
clients.
Del
Fire away. I’ve got nothing
to hide.
Agent
What exactly do you seek from
this proposed introduction.
Is it simply friendship?
Del
Yeah, that'll do.
Agent
What I'm getting at is: do
you see this leading to a
more permanent relationship
or even marriage?
Del
Slow down John. Blimey, you
ain't even sorted me one
out yet! Let's leave it at
friendship for the time
being, eh?
Agent
Yes, of course. Fine, well,
let's see what surprises
the computer has in store
for you. I'll just feed
your information into our
main computer.
We hear computer noises. Now data flashes up on the
screen.
Agent
(Cont'd)
Ah, now there's a lady here
who may suit. Obviously a
refined lady, she's on the
board of governors of an
arts fund committee.
Thirty-eight years old.
Del
Knocking on a bit.
Agent
She's widowed.
Del is not that interested.
Agent
(Cont'd)
Her late husband was a stock
-broker.
Del is now interested.
Agent
(Cont'd)
No, I don't think you're
right for each other.
Del
Let's not jump the gun. I'll
give it a bash if she will.
Agent
I don't think so. She's a
rather - em - sensitive
person.
Del
Well, that's right up my
street, innit?
Agent
Yes! But she' specified a non
-smoker.
Del
Well, win some lose some.
The agent presses a key and more data appears on the
screen.
Agent
This looks more promising. A
young lady, thirty years
old, something of a career
woman.
Del
Go on.
Agent
She's an actress.
Del
Yeah? Is she famous?
Agent
I wouldn't have thought so,
would you?
Del
No, I suppose not.
Agent
It might be a nice intro-
duction seeing as you share
a common interest.
Del
What's that?
Agent
Why the arts.
Del
Of course! Perfect. So where
would we meet and how would
we recognise each other -
assuming of course she
fancies the idea - what d'you
say her name was again?
Agent
Miss Turner. Raquel Turner.
Del
D'you know that Raquel is my
most favourite name?
Agent
How fortunate. In the present
social climate we recommend
that the first meeting is
during the day - a lunch
appointment. After that it's
entirely up to the two
clients. A good meeting place
is under the main clock at
Waterloo station. It's rather
traditional and in its way
quite romantic. It evokes
memories of Trevor Howard and
Celia Johnson. We suggest
that the gentleman carries a
bunch of flowers as a point
of recognition and as a gift
for the lady.
Del
Will do... did they hit it
off alright?
Agent
Who?
Del
Well, this Trevor and the
Celia sort.
Agent
Yes!
Del
Cushty. Right, well you get
on the blower and give
Raquel the old SP. Oh, and
tell her to be on her toes,
'cos the last girl I met at
Waterloo station got mugged
on the escalator.
Agent
Yes, I'll tell her. When,
or indeed if, you and Miss
Turner should meet, we do
emphasise the importance of
complete honesty. There is
very little future in
fabrication or deceit.
Del
I agree. We've gotta be
right up front with each
other.
Agent
Good. Now I'm afraid I'll
have to trouble you for the
twenty-five pounds member-
ship fee.
Del peels some notes off a large wad.
Agent
I'm sorry I've forgotten,
is there an E on the end of
your name?
Del
No, E. It's Duval. Derek
Duval. It's from the French
side of the family.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE
This is a week later. Albert is seated watching
television.
Del enters from the bedroom area. He is wearing his
very best suit and jewellery. He moves to the
mirror and checks his appearance (makes sure his
fly is up).
Albert
You going out?
Del
No I'm gonna bleed the brakes
on the van. Course I'm going
out.
Albert
What is it special occasion?
Del
It might be Albert, you
never can tell.
Albert
Oh. I didn't know if it was
one of your mates' birthdays
or something?
Del
No, no nothing like that.
I'm taking a lady out to
lunch.
Albert
When I was a lad, I had some
smashing birthday parties.
But when you get to my age
nobody bothers.
Del
No, it's a bark innit, eh?
Albert
(Sadly)
Yeah. So who's the bird?
Del
She's not a bird Unc, she's
an actress.
Albert
Yeah? Who?
Del
Raquel Turner.
Albert
Name don't ring a bell.
What's she been in?
Del
Oooh lots. I can't remember
'em all of the top of me
head.
Albert
What's she look like?
Del
(Hasn't got a
clue)
Em, it's difficult to describe
her.
Albert
Well is she tall, short,
fair, dark, fat, thin?
Del
She's an actress, she changes
her appearance.
Albert
How you gonna recognise her
then?
Del
I'll recognise her! Don't
keep going on about it.
Albert
If you've got anything for
the launderette go and get it
now.
Del
Why, it's not your washing day
today is it?
Albert
No, but Rodney's going out as
well. I don't wanna sit in
this flat on me own.
Albert exits to kitchen. Del now practices meeting
Raquel.
Del
Miss Turner, how lovely - no,
no, Muzz! Muzz Turner, how
lovely to meet you. I've
admired your work for many
years. May I call you
Raquel? Do you know that
Raquel is my most favourite
name?
(Chuckles confidently
to himself)
My old joie de vivre will
knock her bandy. A little
livener before we go.
Del moves to the cocktail cabinet.
The door from the bedroom area opens and a hesitant
Rodney peers into the room as if checking that the
coast is clear. As Del is behind the door, or at
least out of Rodney's eye-shot, he thinks he is
alone in the room. He is wearing his macho gear. A
pair of dirty jeans with a large silver buckled
belt, a grubby armless T-shirt and a thick leather
wrist band. He is unshaven and his hair is greased
back. He strides confidently towards the mirror. He
practices his meanest look in the mirror. Del cough.
Rodney spins round and tries to act as casual and
normal as possible.
Rodney
Oh, you're still here then?
Del
Yeah, just about. I thought
you were taking that Nerys
bird out?
Rodney
I am.
Del
Well, you better get ready
or you'll be late.
Rodney
I am ready!
Del
You're going out like that?
Rodney
What's wrong with me?
Del
Well, you look like an
'ooligan!
Rodney
It is the fashion. Haven't
you read about it? It's
called the James Dean look.
Del
Yes, but when they say the
James Dean look, they mean
before the crash. I can't
see you getting very far
with young Nerys dressed
like that, Rodney.
Rodney
(Tapping his
nose)
Will you just keep it out?
Let me lead my own life!
Del
I won't say another word.
Maybe she goes for blokes who
look like Barney Rubble.
Albert enters from the kitchen with a washing bag.
Albert
I thought you were going
out?
Rodney
I am going out.
Albert
Well, hurry up and change,
I'll take those clothes down
the launderette for you.
Rodney
I am wearing these clothes!!
Albert
Yeah? Where you taking her '
then, scrumping?
(Laughing)
Del Boy's going out to lunch
with a world famous actress!
Rodney
(Totally unmoved)
Yeah? You got my socks and
pants in there?
Albert
Yeah, I've got 'em, boy. I'll
see you later.
Albert exits.
Rodney
So who is it then, Meryl
Streep?
Del
No. Raquel Turner.
Rodney
Are you kidding me?
Del
No, straight up.
Rodney
What, the Raquel Turner?
Del
Well yeah, have you heard of
her?
Rodney
No.
Rodney laughs.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
She been in anything?
Del
Yes, load of things but
nothing that you would have
seen her in, Rodney.
Rodney
What's that mean?
Del
It means she has not been on
Top of the Pops or repeats
of Batman.
Rodney
So where you taking her?
Del
I am meeting her at Waterloo
station and I have booked a
table for lunch at the
Hilton in Park Lane.
Rodney
You taking the van?
Del
No, I am not taking the van!
Rodney
where would you meet an
actress?
Del
Em, a friend of mines in show
business. Introduced us.
Rodney acts as if he's catching on to the truth.
Rodney
Wait a minute. The other day
Albert took a call for you.
It was some agency.
Del closes his eyes with the embarrassing truth is
about to be revealed.
Del
Oh yeah, was it?
Rodney
(Now his lovely
innocence)
Is your mate an agent?
Del
(Can't believe
his luck)
Eh? Yeah, he's a show
business agent. Yeah, that's
it.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell, Del. You wait
till I tell the others! Hey,
any chance of an autograph?
Del
Yeah, no problem. I'll get
you hers as well.
Del walks to the mirror and smothers himself in after-
shave from a nearby bottle of Brut.
Rodney
(Worrying)
Del, you don't think you
are being a bit ostenta-
tious?
Del
(Studying his
mirrored image)
Well maybe, but I can
afford it.
Rodney
No, what I meant was...
Rodney gestures at Del's clothes, but too frightened
to speak.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Well you know the Hilton and
all that; Don't you think
you're being a teensy-weensy
bit over the top? After all
she's an actress and she's
bound to be very cool and
laid back.
Del
Rodney, give me credit for
having some savvy. I do know
that a woman like Raquel
appreciates the subtle
approach. I have played the
game before. I know what I'm
doing.
Rodney
Yeah, of course you do! Well
best of luck.
Del
Cheers bruv.
From kitchen, Del produces a gigantic bouquet of
flowers, complete with a large, pink satin bow.
Del
(Cont'd)
Open the door for us,
Rodders.
Del, and the bouquet, exit.
EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION.
We see Del (in his camel hair coat) and the bouquet
waiting beneath the clock in the main concourse of
the station. He paces a small area nervously.
He checks the clock which stands at 12.30. He checks
again his watch. Now rechecks his watch and taps it
a few times as if it is wrong. We see a policeman
patrolling the station. He observes Del (not
suspiciously at this point) more out of interest,
he's never seen such a large bouquet. Del miles
nervously to the policeman.
EXT.DAY. CORNER OF URBAN ROAD.
Nerys is standing on a corner waiting for Rodney. We
see the van pulling up behind her with Rodney, in
his James Dean look, driving. Rodney bips the
hooter. This makes the nervous Nerys jump. Rodney
opens the passenger door from the inside and then
lounges back in the driver's seat, all muscle and
machismo. He has a newly-lit roll-up between his
lips (maybe a pair of shades). Nerys studies the van
critically.
Rodney
Hi.
He pats the passenger seat. Nerys climbs in.
Nerys
Is this a three-wheeled van?
Rodney
Well, it was the last time
I counted!
Nerys
I've never been in a three-
wheeled van before.
Rodney
Well then you have never
really lived!
Nerys
It's sort of - oh, what's
the word? Smelly.
Rodney
That is the odour of honest
toil and sweat, Nerys. So,
where'd you fancy going?
Nerys
I don't mind.
Rodney
Just name your destination.
Nerys
I don't care.
Rodney
So there's nowhere special?
Nerys
No, anywhere.
Rodney
Shall we take in a movie?
Nerys
I don't fancy the pictures.
Rodney
D'you fancy a hamburger?
Nerys
No, I've just had e dinner.
Rodney
Where'd you wanna go then?
Nerys
I don't mind, anywhere.
Rodney
Well, that's cool, Nerys.
We'll just cruise.
Nerys
What, in a three-wheeled van?
Rodney
Yes! This will be an
experience you will never
forget, Nerys.
Rodney very coolly takes the cigarette from his lips
and flicks it out of the window. The cigarette hits
the glass of the window which Rodney has forgotten to
wind down.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Oh shit!
Nerys
You didn't wind your window
down!
Rodney
I know I didn't! Get out
quick before it catches
fire!
Nerys alights from the van. Rodney alights from van. We
leave them with Nerys standing on the pavement and
Rodney down on his hands and knees at the open driver's
door, searching for the dog end.
EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION.
Del is waiting anxiously. He looks up to the clock which
stands at 12.35. Del reacts as he sees there is a woman
standing beneath the clock just a few yards from him.
She has her back to Del. From the back she appears to be
a slender and sophisticatedly dressed woman. Del takes a
deep breath and approaches.
Del
(Nervously)
Hello.
Sonia
Hello, love.
Del
Blimey! You're not Raquel,
are you?
Sonia
I can be anyone you want,
darling.
Del
No, no, I mean you're not an
actress, are you?
Sonia
Well, I've played a few
demanding roles in me time.
There's a very nice little
hotel round the corner, why
don't we go and discuss it
there?
Del
No, that's alright, there's
been a bit of a mistake. My
fault entirely.
Sonia becomes annoyed with him.
Sonia
Oh you're one of those who
just likes to 'talk' aren't
you?
Del
No, really. It was a genuine
mistake. I'm waiting for
someone and I thought you...
Look, I'm starting to lose
my rag, sweetheart. I'll
count to ten then I'll shove
these flowers...
We don't hear Del's next words as they are drowned by
the sound of a train's klaxon. We don't even see Del
say the words as we cut to the policeman who is
watching the argument with growing suspicion.
We cut back to Sonia who appears surprised as what
Del has just said.
Sonia
You realise that will be
extra.
Del
Oh God.
Sonia
(Spotting the
policeman)
Oh hell - the filth! See you
darling.
She exits.
Del gives the policeman an embarrassed smile.
EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS.
We see the three-heeled van approaching with Rambo
Rodney at the wheel.
Now we see a beat-up Cortina waiting to turn out of a
side road. There are five really tough-looking yobs
inside the car (usual thing, radios blaring, lots of
verbal).
Rodney screeches to a halt. Nerys lets out a nervous
yelp of fear. The yobs (without stopping) scream a
load of abuse at Rodney ('Out of the way, pus-head'
'Get that heap of shit off the road'). As the Cortina
roars away, Rodney sticks his finger in the air and
calls after them.
Rodney
Swivel on that, camel-breath!
Rodney smiles confidently to the nervous-looking
Nerys.
Cut to interior of van.
Nerys
Weren't you frightened?
Rodney
What, of them punks? Noooo
way!
EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION.
The clock stands at 12.45. Del has got fed up caring
the bouquet and now reacts and puts flowers on the
floor.
Del checks his watch and then the station clock.
Now let us see Raquel approaching the clock. We
should know it's her by her nervous hurry. Raquel is
in her early thirties. She is attractive and has a
good figure and studies her appearance. Her clothes
are smart but not designer stuff. She is a working
class girl (from any part of the country) and has to
watch the pennies.
We shall discover that she as been hurt in her life,
and when this happens people react in one of two
ways. They either become hard and distance them-
selves from any possible further harm, or they try
even harder to please others in the hope that
someone will like them. Raquel is of the latter
persuasion. She is a very nice, warm and friendly
lady.
At this point, like Del, she is nervous. She looks
at the clock and reacts to being so late. She now
sees Del who has his back to her.
Raquel
(Tentatively)
Hello.
Del turns and looks her up and down quickly. He doesn't
realise at first that it is Raquel. To Del actresses
are either the war-paint and cleavage brigade or the
trendy bohemian type. Raquel doesn't fit his picture.
Del
(Referring to the
policeman)
Just now he nearly nicked
one of your mates, so I'd
have it away on your toes if
I was you.
Raquel
(Bewildered)
Is it Derek?
Del
Raquel?
Raquel
Yes. Hi.
Del
Hello. I'm sorry about that.
Raquel
No, I should appologise for
being so late. You know
what these trains are like.
Have you been waiting long?
Del
Well, since about ten o'
clock this morning, y'know.
No, not really, just
joking.
(Picking up the
bouquet)
This is for you.
Raquel
Is it? You shouldn't have
gone to all this expense.
Del
Mais oui, mais oui. Well,
I've booked a table at my
favourite restaurant - if
that is alright with you?
Raquel
Oh yean, sounds lovely.
Del gestures towards the taxi rank.
Del
Your carriage awaits.
Raquel
Thank you.
They walk away from camera.
Raquel
(Cont'd)
This is a bit like Brief
Encounter, isn't it?
Del
You reckon?
Raquel
That's my favourite film.
Del
Mine as well.
Raquel
Really?
Del
Yes. I loved the bit at the
end when the big space ship
comes down and the little
Martians come out.
They walk on.
Raquel
That's Close Encounters.
Del
Yeah. I loved it.
EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS.
The three-wheeled van passes us.
Cut to interior of van.
Rambo Rodney has his window open and is gorilla-gripping
the roof with his right hand and steering with the left.
Nerys
I always thought you were
such a quiet person..
Rodney
They're the ones you've
gotta watch, Nerys.
Nerys
But just now you were so...
well, tough.
This is a complaint from Nerys, but Rodney doesn't
understand.
Rodney
Huh - I get by. I've lived in
these streets too long to be
frightened.
Rodney gestures back to the incident with the yobs.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Those punks back there,
they're used to people
running scared from 'em. They
don't scare me Nerys. This is
my jungle and I'm at the top
of the tree.
Rodney has a confident, unflinching smile as he
casually checks the mirror. He does a horrified
double-take. We see in the wing mirror that the yobs
in the Cortina have turned round and are now right
behind the van. They are hanging from the windows,
brandishing weapons and screaming death-threats
and other abuse.
Rodney has never been so terrified.
Rodney
Oh my... !
Nerys
(Slightly alarmed
by Rodney)
What's wrong. Rodney?
Rodney
Nothing!
With a great crunch of cogs, Rodney hurls the van into
third gear. The van roars past with the Cortina in hot
pursuit.
Nerys
Why are we going so fast?
Rodney
I love speed!
Nerys
You said we were gonna
cruise!
Rodney
Yeah, but I like to cruise
quickly.
INT. DAY. HILTON RESTAURANT.
The bouquet is in evidence. We see Raquel seated alone
at a table with her untouched starter. She sips her
white wine nervously and obviously is feeling slightly
out of her depth. We see Del standing just outside
entrance to restaurant area. He is talking quietly to
the head waiter (Charles). Charles seems rather
concerned t Del's request, but his attitude alters as
Del slips a twenty-pound note into his palm. Charles
smiles and nods in a 'a pleasure, sir' manner. Del
now walks to the table.
Del
Sorry about that. I had to
get a message to an old
friend.
Raquel
Oh that's okay.
Del
(Referring to
the starter)
Well go on get stuck in,
don't wait for me.
They both eat.
Raquel
This is wonderful.
Del
Well, you can't go wrong
here. I hope you don't mind
me saying this, Raquel, but
well I'm very surprised to
find that someone like you
- attractive and talented -
at a computer dating
agency.
Raquel
Well, I might say the same
about you. A successful
person - managing director
of his own import-export
business. Why did you go to
them?
Del
Dunno really.
Raquel
I suppose I was grabbing at
straws really. I've been
married before and that was
a disaster, and I've had -
you know - relationships.
with men which have always
ended unhappily. Maybe it's
been the same for you?
Del
No, blokes don't do a lot for
me.
Raquel
You know what I mean! I
found I used to take my
relationships seriously -
used to plan and stupid
things like that. But they
were just playing a game.
Anyway, when I saw the
agency's advertisement I
thought; why not? At least
I new I'd be meeting
someone who wanted me to
be there. Was it the same
for you?
Del
Yeah, exactly. I just
thought y'know that you
being an actress you'd meet
lots of people - on the
film sets and that sort of
thing.
Raquel
(Embarrassed)
Look, I've got to be honest
with you. The agency asked
me what I did for a living,
so I said I was an actress.
Well I suppose that's what
I am. I'm a member of the
union, at least. I had one
line in a Doctor Who about
ten years ago. I was a
lizard person. I've done
fringe theatre and that
sort of thing, but I never
got the chance to - 'make
it'. I gave it all up for
nine years while I was
married. My husband was one
of those old-fashioned
types who said there should
only be one bread winner.
Del
Yeah, my Dad was like that.
He used to get up at six
every morning to make sure
my Mum got to work.
A disbelieving look from Raquel.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, straight up.
Raquel
Anyway, recently I've tried
to pick up my career - for
what it was. But I can't see
me ever doing anything.
Del
Au contraire Raquel. This
time next year you'll be a
star!
Raquel
Oh come on.
Del
She who dares wins. That is
my motto. No matter what has
happened in our lives I've
always said that to my kid
brother, 'Rodney, this
time next year we'll be
millionaires!'
Raquel
And look at you now.
Del
Yeah! Look at me now. The
secret is never giving in,
if you want something bad
enough, you'll get it, as
long as you don't stop
believing!
(Raquel smiling
at him)
This is nice... There's a
lovely feeling of... I don't
know - honesty.
Del
Yeah... well... that's what
it's all about, innit?
She nods in agreement.
The head waiter approaches.
Charles
Mr Duval.
Del
Yes.
Charles
I'm terribly sorry to bother
you, sir there's an
important call from your
New York office.
Del
Oh, thank you very much,
Charles.
(To Raquel)
I'm sorry about this.
Raquel
Please, it's no problem.
Del stands and takes a step forward. Now a change of
mind.
Del
Charles. You tell them I'm
busy.
Charles
Of course, sir.
Raquel
Please, don't do this for me.
Del
No, no. I'm enjoying the
company and I'm not gonna
have it spoilt by some
soppy problem in New York.
These Yanks have gotta
learn to make decisions
for themselves.
Del raises his glass to success.
Del
(Cont'd)
To success.
EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS.
We see Trigger in his road sweeper’s donkey jacket
sweeping a gutter. He reacts as he hears the sound of
racing engines. The three-wheeled now roars past him
in a cloud of exhaust fumes.
Trigger
Wotchya, Dave.
Now the Cortina roars past him.
Trigger smiles to himself. He thinks it's the lads
out having a laugh.
INT. DAY. THE HILTON RESTAURANT.
Del and Raquel are now on their coffees. Del lights a
cigar.
Raquel
When the agency phoned and
mentioned you I was really
excited. They said you were
a man of the arts, and it's
not that often that you
meet a man who's interested
in the theatre.
Del
Oh yeah, I love it.
Raquel
Going into a theatre is so
exhilarating. Just the
'feel' of the place.
Del
Yeah, gets me going as well.
You can't whack a good play,
can you?
Raquel
Did you see the RSC's
production of Moliere's Le
Misanthrope?
Del
E... m... No, I was out.
Raquel
(Puzzled at
first)
Oh, you mean out of the
country.
Del
Yes. Away on business.
Raquel
Oh you missed something
wonderful!
Del
Yeah, I was gutted. That's
the sort of thing you like,
is it?
Raquel
Not really. I like anything
to do with entertainment.
When I was a kid my Mum
used to send me up to tap-
dancing lessons. I loved
it. And when I was about
seventeen another girl and
me formed a pop-duo.
'Double Cream' we called
ourselves - we were rotten!
But, that's what I mean, I
like anything - pop music
to heavy drama. I don't
know about you, but I just
love the works of Shaw.
Del
Oh yeah!
(Singing)
'Like a puppet on a string'.
Raquel
You! You're just putting me
on!
Del doesn't understand, but laughs.
Del
No, no I really do like it!
The waiter arrives with the bill.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh thank you, Charles.
He reads the bill and is horrified, but cannot show it.
He turns to one side and coughs gently. He now takes a
great wad of notes from his pocket and peels a few
off.
Raquel
Thank you. I've really enjoy-
ed this afternoon.
Del
Ah so have I. Em... d'you
fancy going out Saturday
night?
Raquel
Saturday? No, I can't make
Saturday.
Del
(Thinking he's
getting the brush
off)
Oh that's alright. No y'know
just thought I'd ask.
Raquel
Let me explain. I'm always
busy on Friday and Saturday
nights at drama class.
Del
Oh, drama class?
Raquel
I teach.
Del
Oh I see. Well how about
Monday night?
Raquel
I'd love to.
Del
Great. Where shall I meet
you?
Raquel
Why don't you come round the
flat?
Del
Okay then. And you've got no
worries about letting me
into your flat, I'm not a
pervo or nothing.
Raquel
I figured that one out! I
feel terrible, I've kept you
away from your business.
Del
That's alright. My brother
handles things when I'm not
there.
Cut to Rodney still being pursued by the Cortina.
Rodney
Oh no! Aaaaaaaggggghhhhh!
Aaaaaaaggggghhhhh!
EXT.DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS.
We are looking at the brow of a hill.
The van now races over the top of the hill. There is
smoke belching from its exhaust.
The Cortina comes over the brow of the hill a few
seconds later.
The two vehicles should appear to be doing 70 mph.
Cut to interior of van.
Rodney, eyes wide with fear and not blinking, is
holding the steering wheel in a white-knuckled death-
grip. There is a small cloud of fumes wafting around
inside the van. We do not see Nerys.
From Rodney's point of view we see that at the bottom
of the hill there is a set of traffic lights at a
crossroads. Let us see the lights facing Rodney turn
to amber. He puts his foot on the gas in an attempt
to beat the lights. The lights turn red.
Realising that even if he had wanted to stop he
wouldn't be able to, Rodney puts his life in the hands
of the gods.
In anticipation of the imminent holocaust, Rodney lets
out a long cry of alarm.
Rodney
Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhh!
We see the lights for the waiting traffic turn green.
The traffic begins to mover forward. Now, to a
symphony of screaming tyres, blaring horns and break-
ing glass, the van roars through the small gap in the
traffic. (Lots of exhaust smoke and Rodney's
continuing scream.)
Rodney
(OOV)
Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhh.
The van disappears into the distance.
We see that a Metro police car has crashed into the
back of another car. We see the occupants - a young,
rather flash and aggressive PC and an attractive and
quite shapely WPC alight from the metro, angrily.
PC
Well get his number! I don't
believe it!
(Referring to
his car)
They only gave me this
yesterday!
(To the returning
WPC)
Did you get it?
WPC
No, he was going too fast.
But there can't be too many
yellow three-wheeled vans
round here.
PC
That's right! I'll get him!
You see if I don't!
The PC now zeros in on the yobs in the American car
which is parked at the lights. The yobs smile and
wave to him. The PC is desperate for revenge. He
turns to the other driver. He wants to nick him but
he can't.
PC
(Cont'd)
You... I... I... Don't ever
do that again!
EXT. DAY. QUIETER SUBURBAN ROAD.
The three-wheeled van screeches round corner and pulls
to a halt in a cloud of smoke (we don't see Nerys).
Rodney collapses across the wheel, sucking in air in
the kind of heart-pounding exhaustion that abject fear
brings. He opens the window and checks that he is
safe. He slumps back in seat with relief.
Now from the passenger seat we hear the sound of
whimpering. We see Nerys sobbing uncontrollably. Tears
are running down her face and she takes great gulps of
air between each sob.
Rodney
(Concerned)
What's wrong, Nerys? Nerys?
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S FLAT.
It's a clean and pleasant lounge. The furnishings are
early B&Q. Two doors lead off: one to hallway, bathroom
and bedroom, etc (we never see this), the second door
leads to the kitchen. As we come on scene, the kitchen
door is open. On the dining table we have a few plates,
cups, etc. from a recently finished meal.
Del is at the table alone. His jacket has been removed
and his tie loosened. He puffs his cigar and sips
brandy. He now stands and moves to settee.
Raquel enters from the kitchen and collects the plates,
etc. from table.
Raquel
D'you want another brandy?
Del
No, I'm fine, thank you.
Raquel
Sit down.
Del
Oh right, 'ere listen... You
didn't have to go to all
this trouble - cooking a
meal and what'avyer. I told
you I was gonna take you
out.
Raquel
And I told you, it's my way
of saying thank you for the
other lunchtime.
Del
Oh, well it was really
lovely, thank you.
Raquel
D'you think your car'll be
alright out there? We get a
lot of vandalism round here.
Del
That's why I didn't bring the
car. I mean you leave a
Ferrari out there and see
what you come back to.
Raquel
Oh good.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
In a vase on a table there are the flowers that Del
had given Raquel at their lunch date. They are now
dead and drooping all over the place.
Del
I say, these flowers are
lasting well, ain't they?
Raquel
I'm not throwing them away.
They're my memories of a
lovely day.
Del is chuffed and moved by this silly gesture on her
part.
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S KITCHEN.
It's a small but clean kitchen. On the wall there is
a damp patch of crumbling, rotten plaster. Raquel is
putting the crockery in the sink.
Del enters.
Raquel
D'you want a coffee?
Del
Yes please.
Del is trying to say something important but is now
struggling to find a way.
Del
(Cont'd)
Raquel.
Raquel
Mmmnnn?
Del
I like you.
Raquel
I like you.
Del
Oh good... Erm.
Raquel is frightened by what he may ask.
Raquel
Look at the state of this
wall!
Del
Yeah, it's 'orrible innit?
Yeah, listen I wanted to ask
you something.
Raquel
Del. Wait a while, eh? See
how we feel in...
Del
(Cutting in)
No, it's not that! Cor
blimey! No, no it's just that
I had this idea that might
help you. I thought I'd
better talk to you about it.
You see, a friend of mine is
a mason.
Raquel
(Referring to
the wall)
Oh I don't need a mason, a
plasterer can do that.
Del
No, not a stone-mason, I
mean a masonic mason. Look,
come and sit down.
INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S HOUSE.
Del leads Raquel in by the hand and sits her on the
settee.
Del
The way I see it is this -
you're a talented actress.
Raquel
Says who?
Del
Says me. I can tell these
things. But life has never
given you a decent break,
and it doesn't matter how
clever you are, you can
never prove yourself until
someone gives you that
break. Right??
Raquel
Yeah.
Del
Right, well. One of my
friend's fellow mason's a
television director, right?
So if I become a mason I can
get him to give you that
break. Put you in a show.
Raquel
But why would he do that? He
doesn't even know me.
Del
He doesn't have to. You see
the masons have to do each
other favours. He couldn't
refuse to help me.
Raquel
But what favour would you do
him?
Del
Well I don't know. I'll drop
him a monkey or something,
look don't worry, he'll be
as sweet as a nut.
Raquel
You'd actually join the
masons just to help me?
Del
Yeah.
Raquel kisses him.
Del
(Cont'd)
Well, I mean it's no hard-
ship is it? It's the masons
not like the moonies. They
chuck a lovely dinner 'n'
dance an' all you know.
Raquel
But Id be cheating, wouldn't
I?
Del
No, of course you won't be
cheating! I'll do that for
you.
Raquel
No, I mean I'd be using
inside influence to further
my career.
Del
Well, it's the name of the
game, innit? It's who you
know. You can't hang about
for another three years
waiting to be discovered!
You've gotta get in now
before you're past your
sell-by date.
Raquel
Oh thanks!
Del
You know what I mean. This is
your first opportunity - it
could be your last. You're
gotta now get in while the
going's good. She Who Dares
Wins!
Raquel
Well I... I'll leave it up to
you, Del. Whatever you think
is best.
Del
Alright. You do the coffee
and I'll do the bizzo.
Del picks up the telephone receiver and begins pushing
the buttons.
Raquel
D'you think it'll work?
Del
Yeah, course it will. It'll
be a piece of cake. They've
been begging me to join
their lodge for ages, but I
always give 'em a blank.
Raquel exits to the kitchen.
NIGHT. INTERCUT BETWEEN HALL OF BOYCIE'S HOUSE/
RAQUEL'S LOUNGE.
Boycie's hall is very grand and ornate and totally
over the top. The phone begins ringing on the
telephone table. We hear the deep, dark brown barking
of Duke.
Marlene
Get out of there, Duke. Get
out! Daddy will be cross!
Marlene enters hall, checks her appearance in the
mirror before answering the phone.
Boycie
(Screams)
Marlene! That dog is in my
aquarium again!
Marlene
(Screaming back)
I've told him to get out but
he don't take any notice!
Boycie
He'll take some bloody
notice when I put piranha in
there!
Marlene
(Screams)
You're the master of the
house, you get him out!
She now picks up the receiver, and has now got a quiet,
sweet and posh voice.
Marlene
(Cont'd)
Hello, this is Boyce house.
Del
Hello, Marlene? It's Del Boy,
how are you sweetheart?
Marlene
Oh hello, Del. How's tricks?
Del
Never been better. Is the old
man about?
Marlene
Yeah, unfortunately. I'll get
him for you. Oh Del, when
you've finished don't put the
receiver down, I want to have
a word with you about a
birthday present for Albert.
Hang on.
Del
Oh Gawd, I forgot all about
that. It's this Friday, innit?
Raquel, we're going out for a
celebration Friday night,
d'you fancy it?
Raquel
Not Friday. I'm at drama
class.
Del
Oh yeah. Couldn't you knock
it on the head, for this
week? I wanted you to meet
the family.
Raquel
Honest I can't, we're in the
final rehearsal. Anyway, I'm
no good at meeting families,
I always say something
stupid.
Raquel exits to kitchen.
Del
(To himself)
You don't know my family.
Boycie
Hello.
Del
Hello Boycie - Del Boy. Yeah
listen, I want you to do me
a very big favour. I want
you to recommend me for
membership to your masonic
lodge.
Boycie
(Roaring with
laughter)
What's the matter Del, has
someone slipped some angel
dust in your pina colada?
Only the most respected
members of our society can
join my lodge.
Del
You said they take anyone!
Boycie
Yes, well, it wouldn't
stretch to you. You'd be
black-balled at the first go.
Del
No, it'll be a doddle. My
best friend's a member.
Boycie
Who?
Del
You!
Boycie
Oh no! No Del! I couldn't
even consider proposing some-
one like you.
Del
I could be a very good mason.
In fact I'll prove it to you.
Masons are supposed to do
each other favours, right?
Well you do me the favour of
proposing me and I'll do one
for you.
Boycie
And what might that be?
Del
I won't tell Marlene about
that little bird in
Sheffield.
Boycie surveys the hall as if Marlene might have heard.
Boycie
You wouldn’t!
Del
Try me!
Boycie
No, you may be many things
Del, no but you're not a
grass. I don't think we have
anything else to say to each
other. Bye for now.
Marlene enters hall.
Marlene
Don't put that phone down, I
wanna talk to him about
Albert's birthday.
(Taking receiver)
Del, what d'you think he'd
like for a present?
Del
(Rejected)
I don't know darling, Honest
I don't.
Del now has a bright idea.
Del
(Cont'd)
Oh, there is one thing. He
loves a bit of fishing and
he was talking about getting
himself a proper angler's
knife. But it must be made
of Sheffield steel.
Marlene
Sheffield?
Boycie
Giss that phone!
From Del's direction we get the impression that Boycie
is giving him a real roasting.
Del
Yes! Yeah alright, Boycie! I
know, I know... Yeah right!
Thank you, Boycie!
Del replaces the receiver. Raquel enters from the
kitchen.
INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
This is Albert’s birthday party.
There are happy birthday signs and balloons on the
walls.
Albert is on the stage playing the piano and singing
a song to the tune of 'Lilly Marlene'.
Albert
(Singing)
'Driving across the desert,
sixty miles an hour. We are
the eight battalion, and
what a bloody shower. We
can't speed up, we can't
slow down, the gear-box is
in upside-down. We are the
eight battalion. Royal
Engineers.'
Del
Look at that daft old twonk!
Rodney
Be thankful for small
mercies. The Queen has two
birthdays a year!
Del
That's true!
Mike approaches.
Mike
'ere Del you promised me!
Del
What can I do Michael, you've
given him too much to drink,
haven't you?
Mike
He's started to slur his
words. He's almost offended
some of the ladies.
Rodney
How d'you mean?
Mike
Well, he wanted a rum and
black, he ordered a bum and
rack!
Del
Yeah, well cross your
fingers he don't fancy a
Bucks Fizz, Michael!
Rodney
So come on tell us, what
happened down at Boycie's
masonic lodge last night?
Del
Oh yeah, I had to meet a few
of the committee members -
try and make an impression,
you know.
Rodney
Yeah, so are you a mason
now?
Del
No, the committee are
discussing me this evening.
But as Boycie said, there's
always the chance that I
could be black-balled.
Rodney
What's that, part of the
initiation ceremony?
Del
No, no. You see, each
committee member has one
white ball and one black
ball. And to vote they have
to put one of the balls in
the bag.
Rodney
(Still puzzled
then realises)
You mean snooker balls?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Gotchyer.
Del
And if, when they empty the
bag, all the balls are white
- you're in. But if there is
one black ball - just one -
you're out.
Rodney
And you're doing all of this
for Raquel?
Del
Yep. Yeah she's worth it.
Rodney
I can't wait to meet her. Is
she coming tonight?
Del
No, she's rehearsing.
Rodney
Yeah, what in?
Del
A rehearsal room I suppose.
Rodney
No, I mean what play is she
doing?
Del
I don't know but it's bound
to be deep and meaningful.
One of them Russian jobs
most probably.
Rodney
What, the one's we don't
watch on BBC2? Chekov, that
sorta thing?
Del
No, no those are the ones I
never used to watch. That
was because in them days I
wasn't esoteric.
Rodney
No?
Del
No. But Raquel has taught
me what's what. I mean these
days, you stick me in front
of a telly with a Singapore
sling, an 'am sandwich and a
bit of Chekov and I'm as
happy as a sand-boy! She's
good news, Rodney! She's so
lovely! She's caring and
beautiful and talented. Got
a good pair of lungs on her
as well.
Rodney
(A filthy grin)
Yeah?
Del
(Offended)
I mean she's got a good sing-
ing voice! She sounds like
Kiri Tikwinana with a little
touch of Whitney Houston.
Rodney
Lovely, just what the doctor
ordered!
Boycie enters.
Del
Oi, Boycie. Boycie over here,
over here. Sit yourself down
Boycie. Have the committee
come to a decision yet?
Boycie
Yes, it has Derek, and it's
bad news, well bad news for
you at least. You were
black-balled.
Del
Oh no, someone put a black
ball in the bag? Who?
Boycie
When they emptied the bag
there was more than one
black ball.
Del
How many?
Boycie
Well, let's put it like this.
Have you ever seen the bottom
of a rabbit's hutch? Sorry,
Derek, I did my best.
Boycie moves to the bar.
Del
What am I gonna tell Raquel
now?
Rodney
Oh look, if she's as
talented as you say she is,
she don't need you bribing
some television director.
Her talent will win
through.
Del
You're right, Rodney. She's
gonna be a star one day
'cos she's got talent.
Albert is up on stage again.
Albert
All together now!
Del
Which is more than you can
say for that soppy old git!
Albert
Altogether now, 'Oooooooooh.
I put me finger in the
woodpecker's hole and the
woodpecker said "God bless
my soul, take it out, take
it out, wiggle it about
remove it"'.
Mike
Albert! That is enough! Del,
can't you chuck him in the
back of the van and drive
him home?
Del
What, with that engine, you
must be joking. It needed a
walking frame to get down
here tonight.
Rodney, remembering his 'Bullit' style chase turns
away.
Trigger
Well, it was going alright
the other day.
Del
Oh yeah, when was that?
Trigger
I saw Dave driving it. Some
of his mates were following
him.
Del
Oh yeah?
Rodney
Well, yes and the engine was
well lumpy then, Del.
Trigger
Yeah, but it was going a
fair old lick though,
weren't it?
Rodney
Yes, well yes, but it was
making a terrible racket.
Trigger
(Gesturing to
main door)
'Ere, hang on, what's all
this about?
A tall naval officer aged about 40 and carrying a naval
officer's topcoat, and a wren have entered. The two
naval officers talk to one of the regulars who points
in Albert's direction.
The two begin to make their way through the crowd. They
are stern and officious. Albert has not noticed the
naval officers.
Albert
All together now, Oohhh!
Naval Officer
(Posh voice)
Albert Trotter?
Albert
Aye, sir, ma'am.
Naval Officer
Able Seaman Albert Trotter,
late of Her Magesty's ship
Peerless?
Albert
Aye, sir.
Naval Officer
I'm placing you under
arrest.
There is a shocked murmur from the crowd.
Del
They're only nicking him,
look!
Rodney
What's goin' on?
Naval Officer
You will be taken to the
naval stockade, Portsmouth,
where you will await court
martial.
Albert
Yeah, but why?
Naval Officer
Dereliction of duty. November
19th 1941. While serving the
Royal Pacific fleet. You did
wantonly abandon your watch
duties. Thus causing the
sinking of HMS Peerless and
causing considerable damage
to the American vessel USS
Pittsburgh.
Albert
But...but...that was nearly
50 years ago!
Naval Officer
The original papers have
only just been discovered
in the vaults of Admiralty
Headquarters, Singapore.
Albert
I couldn't understand the
radar, it's was all blibs and
blobs.
Naval Officer
Read the charges, petty
officer.
Wren
Aye, aye, sir.
The wren produces some official looking paperwork.
Wren
(Cont'd)
Able Seaman Albert Trotter.
You are hereby ordered by
her Majesty the Queen, by
the high Lords of the
Admiralty and by all your
friends and relatives to
have a very happy
birthday.
Albert reacts. The shirt and tie that the wren is wear-
ing are false and only cover the visible area. She now
tears it off and unbuttons her tunic to reveal a
skimpy black bra. At the same time she starts singing.
Wren
(Cont'd)
(Singing)
I'd like to get you on a
slow boat to China, all to
myself alone.
Obviously by now everyone knows it's a set-up and are
laughing and winding Albert up. We cut away to Del and
Rodney who are on the periphery of the crowd and so
haven't seen everything clearly.
Rodney
Is this your birthday
surprise?
Del can hardly speak with laughter.
Del
Yeah. I saw the strippergram
in the local paper. I've done
him up like a kipper. Look at
the old sod's face.
The wren removes her skirt to reveal stockings and
suspenders.
Wren
Leave all your worries on a
far away shore.
Albert
You wait! I'll get you back
for this, you toerag!
As the crowd part slightly, Del is still roaring with
laughter. His laughter begins to die as, for the first
time, he sees the wren clearly. As he turns towards
camera we see that, despite the wig, it is indeed
Raquel.
Wren
All to myself alone. Yes I'd
like to get you...
Del
Raquel?
Raquel just shakes her head. The crowd are murmuring.
Boycie
Raquel! Is this the 'actress'
you've been telling us about
Del?
Boycie roars with laughter. Other people are now laugh-
ing as well.
Rodney
(To Del)
That's your Raquel?
Rodney also starts to laugh.
Del cannot answer. He is hurt, deeply hurt. He is
filled with rage and embarrassment but above all
disappointment. He stares at her. He'd like to cry,
he'd like to die. He turns and exits to a backcloth
of laughter and derision. Rodney's laughter dies
instantly as he realises the seriousness of the
situation.
EXT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK.
This is at the rear of the pub. Del storms out of
the rear doors and towards the van. He pauses and
looks up to the heavens.
He wants to punch, he wants to kill, he wants to
bust into tears and melt into the tarmac. He moves
to the van. He punches the van and kicks the tyre.
He now falls against the van (facing it), exhausted
with anger and frustration.
We now see that Rodney as followed him out and is
standing a few yards behind. Rodney doesn't know how
to handle the situation or what to say, but his
loyalty makes him stay.
Del becomes aware of someone's presence. He turns
with killer eyes towards Rodney.
Rodney's nervousness makes his greeting over-
cheerful.
Rodney
Alright?
Del
(Shaking his
head)
Oddly enough... I am not
alright.
Rodney
Look, Del. Don't get out
your pram over it.
Del
Don't get out my pram? Don't
get out my pram! She just
humiliated me in front of my
friends!
Rodney
But you booked her.
Del
No, Rodney. I booked a
strippergram. I did not know
it was her because I did not
know she did that for a
living! I thought she was an
actress. That is what she
said she was. Instead, she
goes round pubs dressed in
stockings and suspender
belts flashing her
thru'penny bits at blokes!
Rodney
I shouldn't worry about it,
Del. I don't think many of
'em were taking much
notice.
Del's glare kills that theory.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Anyway, what about a few
years ago, when you used to
go out with that bird
Monique. Now she used to go
around in public wearing
next to nothing on.
Del
She was a life-guard!
Rodney
Yeah, alright.
Del climbs into the van. We now see Raquel rush from
the pub and into the car park. She is wearing the
naval officer's topcoat. She is crying and the coat,
being miles too long for her, makes her look all the
more pathetic.
Raquel
Del! Wait a minute.
Rodney stops her.
Rodney
I wouldn't talk to him yet,
love. Just leave him, he'll
calm down in a ... year or
so.
Del
(Screaming from
the van window)
You lied to me!
Raquel
No I didn't! I never told you
I wasn't a stripper! And
anyway, that's the pot
calling the kettle black.
I've just found out your name
is Trotter. You told me you
were called Derek Duval!
Rodney
Derek Duval!
Del
That was just a slip of the
tongue!
Raquel
And you didn't tell me you
were a market trader!
(Referring to
the van)
And I suppose this is the
Ferrari?
Del
Alright, so I might
occasionally tell the odd
porkie or two, but I tell
you something I don't do, I,
don't go round pubs dressed
in stocking and suspenders
flashing me boobs at
geezers! Do I, Rodney?
Rodney
No, he's never done anything
like that.
Del
Thank you.
Raquel
Oh Del, please listen to me.
I just do this a couple of
evenings a week to pay for
my drama lessons! I man,
where did you think I found
the money to live on?
Del
I don't know... I thought
you were on the old rock 'n'
roll, didn't I?
Raquel
No, I'm not on the dole,. I
pay for my own way in this
world! I'm sorry you don't
like what I do for a
living. This may come as a
surprise to you but I don't
bloody like it either!
Anyway, you said you wanted
me to meet your family.
Del
Yes, but I meant with your
bloody clothes on! I got
black balled for you!
Raquel
I'm sorry! But before you
start moralising too much,
just remember one thing,
you booked me for this
evening.
Del
But I didn't know it would
be you!
Raquel
Oh, so it would have been
alright for you and your mates
to leer and lust over a
stranger.
Del
Yes... No ... Oh I don't know!
Raquel
Look, this is probably a daft
question, but, do you want to
see me anymore?
Del
Yes, of course I want to see
you again, sweetheart. But
next time I'll pay at the door
like all the other punters.
She turns and walks away. Rodney moves hesitantly
towards Del.
Rodney
There was no need to say that
to her, Del.
Del
I know there wasn't, now I
wish I hadn't. But it's like
most things in my life, it's
too bloody late.
Del climbs into the van and turns engine. After a
couple of turns there in a clanking sound - and oil
and steam gush out from beneath the van. Del alights
from the van calmly.
Del
(Cont'd)
I fancied a bit of a walk,
anyway.
Del walks off into the night in the opposite
direction to Raquel.
INT. DAY. MARKET CAFE.
Sid is behind the counter, fag in mouth, serving a
customer. We find Del, morose and still hurting from
the events of a few nights ago, seated at a table
reading a newspaper. He looks up from his paper
unable to concentrate. Sid approaches and starts
wiping down the table.
Sid
Is that true?
Del
Is what true?
Sid
All these rumours I've been
hearing about you falling in
love with some stripper.
Del
(Jack the lad
again)
Oh leave it out, Sid. I
wasn't in love with her, I
was, knocking about with her,
you know what I mean?
Sid
That's what I thought. I told
'em, Del Boy wouldn't get
serious over some tart.
It's like a knife going through him, but he has to play
the part.
Del
That's right. What do you
think I am - some sort of
wally?
Rodney enters.
Rodney
Cup of tea please, Sid.
Alright? Oh what's up with
you now? Is it the hundred
and seventy-five quid repairs
to the van - is it er?
Del
Her?
Rodney
Raquel.
Del
I've never known anyone call-
ed Raquel.
Rodney
No, right.
Rodney desperately thinks of something to say to cheer
him up.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
You coming down the Coach and
Horse tonight, they've got a
strip... comedian on.
Del
No, I think I'll stay in,
bruv, and watch a bit of
telly. There's one of them
Chekov plays on BBC2... load
of old cobblers.
Rodney moves to counter and picks up his tea. As he
returns so door opens and Raquel enters. Rodney and
Raquel look at each other for an embarrassing moment.
Rodney
Raquel, what a lovely
surprise! Look who's here,
Del.
Del looks up and then back to his paper.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
(To Raquel)
Have you got time for a cup
of tea?
Raquel
I don't know.
(To Del)
Have I got time for a cup of
tea?
Del
Well, it's a free country,
innit?
Rodney
There you are see, I told
you he'd mellow after a bit.
Well, I've gotta go some-
where to... somewhere. Here,
have my tea.
Rodney hands his tea to Raquel and then exits. Raquel
sits at the table. She and Del look at each other.
Del looks back to his paper. Over this we hear
outside:
Mrs Sansom
(OOV)
Oi, Rodney!
Rodney
(OOV)
Oh hello, Mrs Sansom.
Mrs Sansom
(OOV)
What did you do to my Nerys?
She come in shaking like a
leaf! White as a sheet she
was!
Rodney
(OOV)
No, it wasn't me, Mrs Sansom,
it was some yobs.
Back to Del and Raquel.
Raquel
What sort of week have you
had?
Del
(All bluff)
Blinding! You?
Raquel
Rotten!
Del
It's a tough old world,
innit??
Raquel
Tougher than I ever imagined
... I've, em, I've resigned
from the strippergram agency.
Del
Oh good.
Raquel
I've signed on the dole.
Del
It's a step up the ladder
innit? Why didn't you tell
me what you did? Why did
you let me find out like
that?
Raquel
You don't think I wanted
you to find out in that way,
do you? That night I took a
job to give birthday
greetings to someone called
Albert Trotter. It had been
paid for by someone called
Derek Trotter. Now if I had
known your real name I
would have realised it was
you and not taken the job!
Del
You still didn't tell me what
you did for a living.
Raquel
I was hoping there'd be no
need to. After I met you and
I realised we were becoming
close, I'd planned to pack
the whole strippergram
business in. Then you'd have
been none the wiser. It
didn't work out that way.
Del
I thought I knew you! I knew
nothing. You were all
disguises and secrets!
Raquel
I'm sorry... I'm going on a
tour.
Del
Yeah? I bet it's a mystery
one.
Raquel
No, it's no mystery. An agent
called me a couple of days
ago. It could be helpful to
my career.
Del
Cushty...
Raquel
You won't have to worry about
bumping into me. It's a tour
of the Middle East.
Del
The Middle East? I didn't
know they went in for all
that Uncle Vanya and Run
for your Wife, stuff.
Raquel
No, it's not a play. It's a
revue, dancing, that sort
of thing.
Del
Oh use your noddle, Raquel!
You read about that sort of
thing in the Sunday papers.
You'll end up as a hostess
in some topless dive in the
Kasbah!
Raquel
No, it's an official tour,
all above board.
Del
You could be kidnapped and
end up in a harlem!
Raquel
Don't be silly.
Del
Oh, alright then. If that's
what you want.
Raquel
It's not what I want. It's
the next best thing... it's
a shame the two of us
couldn't have been more
honest with each other.
Del
I was straight with you...
alright, alright, so I
called myself Duval. That's
nothing, is it? Just a joke.
I didn't tell you any other
lies!
Sid
Del.
Sid gestures for Del to come over to the counter.
Del
What's he want?
Raquel
Maybe it's another call from
your New York office.
Del smiles at this. Raquel returns his smile and the
situation has now softened. Del moves to the counter
and Sid hands him his breakfast. Del returns to the
table with his breakfast (bacon, egg, tomatoes and
fried bread).
Raquel
Del, I just wanna say thanks.
Del
What for?
Raquel
For a lot of things. For
being the only man I've met
who wanted me to keep my
clothes on! For getting
yourself black-balled for
me and for - I don't know -
giving me back some
self-esteem. I used to wake
up in the morning and look
in the mirror and think,
'Oh, you again!' But after
I met you I used to wake up
and think, 'Great, another
day, you're gonna be
somebody!'... 'This time
next year I'll be famous.'
Thanks for that.
Del is moved by this. He looks into her eyes.
Del
Raquel... would you like a
piece of my fried bread?
Raquel
Thanks.
Raquel takes half of his fried bread.
Del
When are you leaving?
Raquel
Tomorrow afternoon. Gotta cab
coming at twelve. It's taking
me to Waterloo station.
That's ironic isn't it? It
doesn't have to be the end.
We could still go on seeing
each other.
Del
Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis
Ababa and catch the show.
Raquel
I mean, I don't have to go.
Del
You said you'd already agreed
to it.
Raquel
If I'm no there, I'm not
there. They'll have to find a
replacement. That shouldn't
be that difficult, thousands
of girls are begging for a
chance like this.
Del
I don't know what to say
sweetheart. It's taken me a
bit by surprise.
Raquel
I've done all my thinking and
I know what I want. If you
want me to stay, then I will.
And I'm not talking about any
heavy commitment like
marriage or even living
together. We could just - be
there for each other. Think
about it, won't you?
Del
Yeah, of course I will.
Raquel
If you like the idea just be
at my flat tomorrow. If not,
I'll understand.
Del
Yeah, just gimme a bit of
time, that's all.
Raquel
Okay. Thanks for the fried
bread. I'll see you...maybe?
Del nods. Raquel exits. Del moves to the counter.
Del
I can't eat the breakfast,
Sid, I've lost my appetite.
Sid
Here, was that the stripper?
Del
No, Sid. That lady is an up
and coming actress.
Sid
Don't recognise her.
Del
But you will. This time next
year she'll be famous!
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
Rodney is leaning on the counter.
This is Sunday so he is wearing his better Sunday
clothes. There are a few other blokes hanging around
the counter.
Mike
(Laughing)
You gotta be honest, Rodney,
it was funny at the time.
Rodney
Del didn't seem to think so.
Mike
No, well, he wouldn't, would
he?
Mike laughs.
Rodney is feeling angry and uncomfortable at having his
brother rubbished.
Rodney
Del's been taking it all very
well as it happens.
Mike
Yeah, we'll have to take your
word for that Rodney. 'Cos he
ain't been in here since.
There is more laughter.
Rodney
He's been busy.
Mike
I thought he would have been
in here last night. He's
never missed a Saturday
session.
Rodney
Yeah, well he had a bit of
thinking to do last night.
He's got a sort of decision
to make.
Mike
What's that? Whether to pay
the bill from the stripper-
gram agency?
There is more laughter. Now the laughter dies. The pub
falls silent, Albert stops playing.
We see that Del is in the pub. He has been standing
there listening to them. Del has a grim expression.
Now he gives them all a big grin.
Del
Morning all!
There are a few half-hearted replies.
Del
(Cont'd)
Same again for Rodney, a
Singapore sling for me and a
small rum for Elton John
over there. And have one
yourself, Michael.
Mike
Cheers, Del.
Mike moves away to get the drinks.
Rodney
So, what are you doing?
Del
I've been thinking about her
all night, last night,
Rodney. She's had a tough old
life, you know. Her old man
was a right roughouse. All
the other blokes that she's
known before that were no
better. You know she's had
nothing but bad luck. Then
she met me.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell. Life's a bitch,
innit?
Del
That is when her luck
changed, Rodney!
Rodney
Oh well yeah, yeah, that's
what I meant.
Del
See, I've always been bad
luck to women.
Rodney
No you ain't.
Mike hands them their drinks.
Del
No I have, I have. Last night
I was thinking back to all
the birds that I've known,
I've always left 'em with
nothing but aggro... I'm a
bit like that Little Joe.
Rodney
Little Joe?
Del
In Bonanza - Little Joe.
Rodney
You ain't Del, you're nothing
like him.
Del
I don't mean in looks Rodney,
he's an ugly git. What I mean
is if you watch an episode of
Bonanza, and Little Joe falls
in love with a woman, you
know she is gonna die! The
moment he starts stronging it
with a sort you can guarantee
that she's either gonna catch
the fever, get trampled
underfoot in a stampede or
the Indians are gonna have
her!
Rodney
But that won't happen to
Raquel.
Del
No, I know it won't! She
came after me, Rodney. She
had to swallow her pride,
that took a lot of doing.
In my book that makes her a
bit special.
Rodney
Very special, I'd say.
Del
Right. So, I said to myself
last night; whatever happens
Raquel will not end up full
of arrows. I'm gonna have a
swift livener then I'm going
round her flat.
Rodney
Yeah, well done, Del. Stuff
what the others think, eh?
Del
That's right bruv, that's
right. Thank you Rodney, you
stood by me, you are a
diamond.
Rodney
Oh leave off, will you?
Del
No, you are and I'll never
forget that! You did laugh
at the time though.
Rodney
I didn't know who it was! So
this is all serious stuff
then is it?
Del
Well, no. We're not talking
about marriage or even
moving in together. We're
just gonna be there for each
other. Cheers, Rodney.
Rodney
All the best Del.
Del
Cheers.
EXT. DAY. URBAN ROAD.
A street of Victorian houses.
We pan up the first floor window of one of the houses.
Raquel pulls curtain back and surveys the street
looking for Del. She checks her watch. She now lets
curtain fall back into place.
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
Now the atmosphere is one of music and laughter.
Mike, Rodney and Del are at the bar laughing.
Del
You can imagine how I felt,
can't you? I felt like a
right dipstick.
Mike
Listen, De, I know we had a
laugh at you, but no offence
was meant, mate.
Del
I know that, Mike. It's all
forgotten about now. No hard
feelings.
Mike
I thought Albert took it
well. Although he did
threaten to get even with
you.
Rodney
Oh yeah, well, Del ain't
eaten a thing Albert's
cooked ever since.
Del
'Ere, talking about Albert,
take that rum over for him,
will you Rodney? What's the
time? Caw look at the time,
I'm supposed to be round
Raquel's by noon!
Mike
Give her my best, Del. Tell
her to pop in for a drink
one night.
Del
Yeah, I will Mike, cheers.
Rodney
(Handing Albert
the rum)
There you go Albert.
Albert
So has he reached a decision?
Rodney
Yeah, he's going round to
her flat in a minute.
Albert
Good. She wouldn't have been
happy touring round the
Middle East. I never liked
it over there. Did I tell
you about that time I was in
Cairo?
Rodney
Yes, you must have, Albert,
you must have!
Rodney turns. As he does he looks from the window. He
looks horrified.
EXT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
We see the three-wheeled van.
Parked next to it is a damaged police metro. The young
PC and the attractive WPC who were involved in the
crash during Rodney's chase sequence, are examining
the van.
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
Rodney
Oh God!
Albert
What's up, Rodney?
Rodney
I gotta go, right, I gotta
go!
Rodney races out of the pub.
Del
Blimey Mike, you wanna clean
your pipes out a bit. It's
gone right through him.
We now see the PC and WPC enter. They have a word with
one of the locals who indicates towards Del.
Del
Right I'm off. See you all.
PC
Is your name Trotter?
Del
That's me.
WPC
Is that your yellow van out
there?
Del
What, the one with Trotter
written on it? Yes that's
mine.
PC
Well, a couple of weeks ago
a yellow three-wheeled van,
very similar to yours, shot
the lights between Lewisham
Hill and Woodford Lane.
We're in the process of
questioning the owners of
all such vehicles.
Del
Oh well, look no further
officers. It was me, it's a
fair cop, I done it!
Del smiles and shakes his head at Albert.
Del
(Cont'd)
You disappoint me, Uncle.
WPC
Mr Trotter. Either you're not
taking this very seriously or
you don't understand the full
implications of your last
statement.
Del
Look, I'm a bit pushed for
time so, can we get a move
on. Come on darling, hurry
up.
WPC
What d'you mean?
Del takes hold of the buttons of her tunic and pulls it
open - shirt as well.
Del
Come on, get 'em off, get
'em off!
The WPC covers herself as best she can. The PC is too
stunned to move.
Del
(To Albert)
I would have thought you
would have come up with some-
thing a bit more original
than this, Albert.
Albert
It's got nothing to do with
me, son!
Del
Oh leave it out! If you
didn't send 'em who did...?
Oh my God!
Now looking out of the window he can clearly see the
police car.
Del
(To police
officers)
I'm sorry.
PC
Not as sorry as you're gonna
be, my old cocker.
WPC
Nick him!
Del
Wait a minute! It's a mistake!
I didn't realise you were
police officers.
PC
(Gesturing their
uniforms)
What d'you think all this is?
Plain clothes?
Del
No, you see I thought she was
a stripper.
WPC
That's it! I'm doing him for
assault and abusive language!
EXT. DAY. RAQUEL'S ROAD.
We see Raquel exit from the front door of the house.
She carries her case out to the pavement where she
awaits the arrival of her cab. She checks her watch
and surveys the street despairingly looking for Del.
EXT. DAY NAG'S HEAD PUB.
Del is now in handcuffs and is being led from the pub
by the police officers.
Del
Please! Please listen to me.
I'm supposed to meet someone
at noon.
PC
And you're gonna meet some-
one at noon - our desk
sergeant - a very nice man,
I'm sure you'll get on like
a house on fire!
Del
Listen. In my pocket. Money.
In my pocket!
WPC
What did he say?
Del
The old doe ray me's in my
pocket! You could have a
policeman's ball on it.
WPC
Lovely. Now we've got you
for attempted bribery as
well!
Del
Oh please! Give us a break.
EXT. DAY. RAQUEL'S ROAD.
The taxi has now arrived. Raquel places her case in
back. She takes one last, sad and longing look for
Del. She climbs into cab and slams door.
EXT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB.
The door on Metro slams and it pulls away from camera.
We hear Del over.
Del
Look, can you take me round
to Herrington Road, I gotta
see someone. It's left up
here.
The Metro turns right.
Del
(Cont'd)
Thanks.
EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION.
We see the clock which stands at 12.25. Raquel walks
past the clock towards the trains. She struggles with
her heavy case.
EXT. DAY. URBAN POLICE STATION.
The Metro is parked outside.
The police officers are assisting Del into the station.
Del
Can I at least use your
phone?
PC
You're allowed one phone
call.
Del
Thank you. What's the time?
WPC
Twenty to one.
Del
(Deflated)
T'riffic! You don't know the
code for Addis Ababa do you?
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.