Only Fools And Horses


INT. NIGHT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is seated at the table working something out with the help of a calculator and many grubby receipts, etc. Del is seated watching TV. He is wearing a silk dressing gown and matching silk pyjamas. He smokes a big cigar and sips an exotic cocktail. His air of civility suggests he is at one with the world, in other words they've been earning recently. Rodney Have you any idea how much money we've made recently? Del Loads of bunce, Rodders, loads of bunce. Rodney We've made nearly two thousand pounds in the last month! Del Am I a genius or just a miracle worker? Rodney We've sold over four hundred of those ladies electric razors. Del I told you they'd sell, didn't I? Rodney You'd never guess there was that much hair about, would you? Del Oi, you chuck all those receipts and bills down the chute. I don't want no evidence left in the flat. Albert enters from his bedroom. He is carrying a battered old black tin box. Rodney (Referring to the box) What's that dirty looking thing? Del That is your Uncle, Rodney, please show a bit more respect! Del and Rodney laugh. Del (Cont'd) Help yourself to a drink, we're celebrating. Albert Yeah, thanks, son. This is from my old days, Rodney. All those years ago when I used to sail the seven seas. Rodney What is it, treasure? Albert has opened the box and produces a bundle of tattered and brown letters and photographs, etc. Albert No, just a few old photos and letters from my days in the navy. It's nothing much - just me memories! Del Don't worry. Rodney's chuck- ing a whole load of gear down the chute in a minute, he'll get rid of it for you. Albert This is a history of my life!! Del That's why I thought you'd wanna get rid of it! Rodney has picked up one of the photographs. Rodney Is that you? Albert Yeah. That's when I first joined the navy. Seventeen I was. Rodney You ain't changed, Unc. Del What d'you mean, he had a big white beard then? Rodney No, I mean he's wearing the same clothes! Del and Rodney laugh. Albert What's the matter with you two daft sods? Del We've had a blinding month. (Picking up a photo) What's this one? '1941. My birthday party on board HMS Peerless.' Cor, they look a bunch of toerags, Albert! Albert Yeah. That's me and some of me mates when we was serving out in the South China Sea. They were brave lads, Del. Look at 'em, like steely-eyed young lions. Del Yeah. You look more like Clarence the cross-eyed lion! Albert Well, I'd just been to a nightclub celebrating me birthday. Rodney Who's the bloke with the G- string and the ruby in his belly-button? Albert That's one of the dancing girls from the nightclub. We'd sneaked her back to 'show her round HMS Peerless!' Albert gives out a licentious laugh. Del You dirty old goat! Albert The captain used to call it 'A submarine hunter'. But she was nothing more than an old tug. Del (Studying photo) Yeah, she looks like a rough and ready girl. Albert I'm talking about HMS Peer- less! Del Oh sorry! Albert Just a few hours after that photo was taken we was in action. Rodney (Studying photo) I'm surprised it took you that long! Albert A Japanese sub was spotted in the area. Del That's all you need, innit? Albert There was an American aircraft-carrier, anchored off-shore. The USS Pittsburgh. It was our job to protect her. Well, we'd only been sailing for about an hour and we crashed right into her. Cor, didn't half make a noise! Del (Incredulous) You went and whacked into the boat that you were going out to protect? Albert Yeah. It was a good job she was there actually, she picked up most of the survivors. Rodney Was your ship badly damaged? Albert We couldn't tell, Rodney, it sunk. Course, they tried to put the blame on me. Del Sounds fair. Albert Just 'cos I was on watch at the time. I had me excuses ready. Rodney What, you were drunk? Albert Don't be silly! The American vessel was at battle stations and was showing no light. You weren't allowed, there was a war on. Del Course there was. Albert So then they tried to get me on naval technicalities, like it happened in broad daylight. Rodney You didn't see an aircraft carrier? Del Forty-two thousand tons of steel! Rodney In broad daylight! Albert Well, I wasn’t close enough! Rodney You must have been reasonably close, Unc, you hit it! Del They'd have stood more chance with Ray Charles in the crow's nest! Albert Well, I mean I wasn't up on deck. I was in the radar room watching the screen. I couldn't make head nor tail of it. It was all blibs and blobs. Still, the Japanese sub had it away a bit lively. Rodney I suppose it didn't feel needed with you around. Did you get into trouble for it? Albert Court-martial. The papers were sent to naval headquarters, Singapore. Rodney You were court-martialled? Albert No. As luck would have it, before my trial the Japanese invaded! And I never heard another word about it. And the blokes in my lifeboat used to say I was unlucky! Albert exits. Del That was a bit strong, try- ing to court-martial him. Rodney He had just ruined a perfectly good aircraft- carrier. Del Yeah, but it was his birth- day! Rodney Oh yeah, I forgot! (Looking at the photo) But not for long though! This picture was taken at his birthday party in 1941, right? You seen the date? Del That's about a fortnight's time, innit? Rodney Yeah. You don't think the ancient mariner was trying to let us know so that we'd arrange a birthday treat, do you? Del Wash your mouth out with soap and water, Rodney. Your Uncle Albert is not a crafty person! He's as cunning as a lighthouse rat! The sly old git! Right, he wants a surprise for his birthday does he? Rodney What you gonna do? Del Dunno yet, but I'll think of something to pull him up a bit lively! Rodney Let's give him one of those electric razors! They both break down laughing. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. This is lunchtime. We can hear piano music. Boycie is at the bar wearing his usual wide-awake clothes. Mike is leaning on the bar and looking grimly in the direction of the piano. We see Albert at the piano. He is playing an off-key middle eight to some mysterious song. Mike and Boycie cringe at his efforts. After eight or nine seconds of this, Albert picks up the final chorus of the song. Albert (Singing) I'm in the mood for love. Albert runs to take his ovation. Mike (To Boycie) Why does he keep doing it, eh? Boycie Gawd knows. I suppose at some time in his life some- one told him he could play the piano. Mike Yeah, but I'd like to meet the git who told him he could sing! Boycie He's a Trotter! What more can you say about the man? A couple of years ago I went down the local library and read some ancient manuscripts written by the Elders of Peckham. Did you know, five hundred years ago this was a green and peaceful area? The old Earl of Peckham had a castle where the Kwik-Fit exhaust centre now stands. Flaxon- haired maidens used to dance round the village maypole of an evening. And then one fateful medievil day, the Trotter clan arrived in a stolen Zephyr. Before you knew it the flaxon-haired maidens were up the spout, the old Earl had been sold some hooky armour and someone nicked the maypole! A hundred years after that the Black Death arrived in England. The people of Peckham thought their luck had changed. Mike nudges Boycie and gestures towards entrance door. Mike 'Ere, talk of changing luck, look at this! We see that Trigger has just entered. He is wearing a brown two-piece suit, a purple shirt, orange tie covered with a colourful V'neck jumper and is carrying a small spray of flowers. Trigger Alright Boycie? Boycie Well, I was! Mike places a drink on counter in front of Trigger. Mike There you go Trigg, there's a scotch, mate. Trigger How did you know I wanted a scotch? Mike 'Cos if I was dressed like that, I'd want a scotch. Boycie Er, is this something to do with a new religion? Trigger I'm taking a lady out to lunch. Mike and Boycie (Incredulously) You sure? Trigger Yeah, positive. I've booked us a table at that little Italian place opposite. I thought I'd better try an' make an impression. Boycie Well you'll certainly do that Trigg, no worries. Trigger Thanks, Boycie. Del and Rodney enter. Del calls towards the bar. Del Good morning, Michael. Same again for Boycie, a non- alcoholic lager-top for Rodney, a Malibu and cherryade for moi, and one for yourself. (Looking at Trigger) Is it Comic Relief Day again? It only seems a little while ago. Mike (Interrupting him) No, it ain't Comic Relief Day. Trigger I've got a date. Rodney You wanna watch them stones, 'cos Del got one caught in his throat last Christmas. Trigger No, Dave. I mean I've got a lunch date with a lady. Del and Rodney You sure? Trigger Yeah! I've gotta meet her in a couple of minutes. I just popped in for some Dutch courage. Del Who is it? Anyone we know? Trigger You don't know her. Come to that, I don't know her either. Mike How d'you mean? Trigger produces some paperwork. Trigger These people arranged it for me. All 'The Technomatch Friendship and Matrimonial Agency'! Del You've been to a computerised dating firm? Trigger Yeah. They've just opened up down the High Street, so I thought I'd have twenty-five quids worth, see what occurs. Boycie So what's the bird look like? Trigger I dunno, they don't show you pictures of each other. Mike That's a bit risky, innit? Del (Defending Trigger) Well, that's her problem! Trigger They fed all my information into a computer and it came out with a woman who was compatible with me. There are fearful reactions as to what this woman might look like. Trigger (Cont'd) That's what I like about this agency, you know where you stand with 'em - they insist on honesty. Boycie So you told 'em you're a road sweeper? Trigger No, I told 'em I was a bus inspector. Rodney Why? Trigger To add a bit of glamour! Rodney Oh yeah, good idea. Trigger downs the whiskey in one gulp. Trigger Right then, here goes. I'll see you later. Trigger exits. Boycie Well, rather him than me. He's walking straight into the unknown. Mike moves down the bar to serve customers. Rodney It's a bit like that tele- vision programme, innit? Boycie Yeah. Rodney You know, Blind Date. Boycie Oh, I thought you meant That's My Dog! (Laughs) Marlene and Duke sit and watch that - soppy as sacks the two of 'em - Duke gets more questions right than her. Del moves down the bar towards Mike. Del Mike, can I have a word about Albert? Mike Well, there's a coincidence Del, I wanted to have a word with you about him as well. Del He's not still singing here of an evening, is he? Mike Oh no, no, no, no. He’s doing matinees now! My pie sales have fallen! Del I'll have a word with him, Mike. Look, listen, I wanted to ask a favour. It's Albert's birthday in a couple of weeks' time and I wanted to throw a little party for him. Mike What, in here? Del Well, yeah, yeah a few drinks, a bit of grub, that sort of thing. I'll stick a hundred and fifty across the counter to cover it. Mike You can have the pub on one condition - he doesn't sing! Del Fair enough, Mike. Mike He doesn't use no bad language in front of the ladies. Del Righto, Mike. Mike And he doesn't dance. Del Gotcher, Mike. Mike He tells no rude jokes. Del Goes without saying, Michael. Mike And he don't drink too much. Del Perish the thought. Mike He just sits down quietly and soberly and enjoys himself. Del He's gonna be really looking forward to this, Mike. Thanks for everything. Del returns to Rodney and Boycie. Del (Cont'd) He makes up more rules than the common market that bloke! Be honest, he's ruining this pub ain't he? Boycie I honestly wouldn't know, Del Boy, I'm very rarely in here these days. I spend most of my free time down at the lodge. Rodney Oh of course, the lodge. What is it you've become, a Buffalo? Boycie I am not a Buffalo! I am a pukka mason, secret hand- shakes, initiation ceremonies, the works! Del What d'you wanna join that bunch of dipsticks for? Boycie It is a great honour to be chosen! It is not something you turn down lightly, Derek. Oh no, it's changed my life. I'm involved with a lot of charity work. I'm helping the local needy and underprivileged. It's got it's good side as well. Us masons vow to help each other in business whenever humanly possible. Rodney It sounds like a load of old snobs trying to clone another load of old snobs. Boycie We're not snobs! Anyone can join. We come from all walks of life, right across the social spectrum. We've got estate agents, a judge, a commissioner of police, the mayor. We've got all sorts! Rodney Yeah, so's Bertie Bassett! That is not all walks of life, Boycie! Boycie We got,, we got... a... got a television director! Rodney Yeah, what's he do? Film the secret handshakes in case you wallies forget? Del is creased up with laughter. Rodney Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with Mickey and Jevon. Mickey and Jevon Rodney! Del I'm popping down the betting shop. I'll pick you up later, alright? Rodney moves over to where Mickey and Jevon are standing. Boycie What is the matter with that boy? He's all social conscience! Del He's one of life's carers, ain't he? He reminds me a bit of my mum, don't he you? Del exits. Boycie Yeah. (To himself) Standing in the corner of a pub with two geezers! EXT.DAY. ITALIAN RESTAURANT. This could be the Nag's Head car park. Del exits from the pub and moves towards the van. He now does a double-take on something he has seen on the opposite side of the road. From Del's point of vie we see Trigger, still carry- ing the spray of flowers, and his date entering the Italian restaurant. His date is a woman in her mid-thirties. She is slim, smartly dressed and attractive. Del I don't believe it! That's a woman! He watches as the waiter shows them to a window table. Trigger hands her the spray. She smiles and thanks him politely. Del turns and walks to the van, shaking his head in confusion. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. We are in the bar. Rodney is still in the background talking to Mickey and the immaculate Jevon. We see Nerys. She is an attractive and shapely nineteen-year-old. Although she speaks with a south London accent and her clothes are geared to accentuate her figure, she is not a tart. She is in fact a rather nervous and neurotic type although she hides this rather well. Rodney moves up behind her. Rodney Wotchyer, Nerys. Nerys (Jumps) Oooh! You made me jump! Rodney It's only me. Can I get you a drink? Nerys I've got one. Rodney Oh. Nerys, I was wondering, maybe if you'd quite like to go out somewhere during the week. Nerys Where? Rodney I don't know, anywhere. Nerys Who with? Rodney Well... me. Nerys Yeah, alright then. But I work at nights so have to be during the day. Rodney Oh, I'll have to see if I can get a day off. Nerys But you told me you run the business. Rodney Well, yeah, yeah I do. I do run the business but y'know I don't like leaving Del in charge, he mucks me system up. I'll phone you on it. Nerys Alright then. I'll see you in the week. Rodney Right. Now we see Mickey and Jevon whispering to each other. They are obviously plotting some wind-up. Jevon (Quietly to Mickey) Go'n then, go'n! Mickey You come with me! The two approach Rodney. Mickey Alright, Rodney? How did you get on with Nerys? Rodney Okay. Jevon I'll bet you didn't get a date with her! Rodney Save your money, Jevon my man. I'm taking her out next week. Jevon How did you manage that? I've been trying to date her for ages - and bear in mind who's talking here. I've had to employ a secretary to handle all my dates! Mickey Rodney has got something you haven't got, Jevon. It's a thing called Machismo! I've told you before, Nerys is turned on by macho-men! Rodney reacts curiously to this. Mickey (Cont'd) I have known Rodney a lot longer than you and he can be a right hard nut when he wants to be! Rodney (Shrugs modestly) Well! Mickey And that is what Nerys goes for. Muscle and sweat. Jevon Yeah, but Rodney's no Master of the Universe. Mickey But he has the aura of inner strength! Rodney I'm wirey, see. Mickey Nerys likes guys who live their lives a hundred miles an hour. And they reckon when she's hot she is hot! The only guy who could put her out is Red Adair and he's too expensive! Jevon Yeah, well I think you should treat a chick with consideration. Mickey And that's why you'll never get a date with Nerys. She prefers a bunch of fives to a bunch of flowers. But if my main man here plays his cards right... See you big guy! Rodney is now mentally King of the Bronx. Rodney Hey. Jevon Take care. Rodney (Slapping hands with Jevon) Yo. Jevon (Another slap) Bro. Rodney & Jevon (Another slap) Woh! The last slap hurts Rodney's palm. Rodney walks towards the exit. It is more of a strut! A pimp roll. We cut back to Mickey and Jevon who are creased with laughter. One of the younger guys (Chris) enters and approaches them. Chris What's happening? Mickey Rodney Trotter's just got himself a date. Jevon And we've convinced him she likes really tough, macho- men! Chris Who's the bird then? Jevon Nerys. Chris What, nervous Nerys? Mickey and Jevon Yes! The three of them are laughing uproariously. EXT. DAY. FILM. BUSY LONDON HIGH STREET. We are in an elevated position. Opposite us we see the three-wheeled van at a parking bay with an out-of-order bag over the meter. The van is parked outside a shop which has been converted into an office and has frosted glass windows to give privacy to his clients. Across the frosted glass is printed: 'Technomatch Friendship and Matrimonial Agency'. INT.DAY. TECHNOMATCH AGENCY. It is a light and pleasant modern office. The agent is a smartly-dressed man in his mid-thirties. He has a computer and screen in front of him into which he prints information from Del's answers. Agent So can you tell me, what kind of person are you looking for? Del Well... a bird? Agent Yes. But are there any particular requirements? Del A local bird if possible, I don't want too much of that driving lark. Agent So you're not looking for a special type of person? Del Well, she's got to be a bit of a sort! Agent A bit of a sort? Del Well, everything in the right place, you now. She must be a bit refined. Agent Must she? Del Oh yes. I don't want you lumbering me with some old bow-wow who don't know the difference between a Liebfraumilk and a can of Tizer! The agent's expression tells us that he has never quite met anyone like Del before. Agent Quite! Del I'm a bit of a culture vulture meself you see. Agent Ah, a man of the arts. Del Oh yes, you can't whack it. And you can tell the lucky lady she is guaranteed a steak meal. Agent (Fazed) A steak meal? Del Guaranteed! Do you wanna put that on your floppy disc, or what? Agent Yes, I'll make a note. A steak meal. Now please don't feel pressurized by this next question. We're not trying to force you into any decision or commitment. The question is simply asked to protect our clients. Del Fire away. I’ve got nothing to hide. Agent What exactly do you seek from this proposed introduction. Is it simply friendship? Del Yeah, that'll do. Agent What I'm getting at is: do you see this leading to a more permanent relationship or even marriage? Del Slow down John. Blimey, you ain't even sorted me one out yet! Let's leave it at friendship for the time being, eh? Agent Yes, of course. Fine, well, let's see what surprises the computer has in store for you. I'll just feed your information into our main computer. We hear computer noises. Now data flashes up on the screen. Agent (Cont'd) Ah, now there's a lady here who may suit. Obviously a refined lady, she's on the board of governors of an arts fund committee. Thirty-eight years old. Del Knocking on a bit. Agent She's widowed. Del is not that interested. Agent (Cont'd) Her late husband was a stock -broker. Del is now interested. Agent (Cont'd) No, I don't think you're right for each other. Del Let's not jump the gun. I'll give it a bash if she will. Agent I don't think so. She's a rather - em - sensitive person. Del Well, that's right up my street, innit? Agent Yes! But she' specified a non -smoker. Del Well, win some lose some. The agent presses a key and more data appears on the screen. Agent This looks more promising. A young lady, thirty years old, something of a career woman. Del Go on. Agent She's an actress. Del Yeah? Is she famous? Agent I wouldn't have thought so, would you? Del No, I suppose not. Agent It might be a nice intro- duction seeing as you share a common interest. Del What's that? Agent Why the arts. Del Of course! Perfect. So where would we meet and how would we recognise each other - assuming of course she fancies the idea - what d'you say her name was again? Agent Miss Turner. Raquel Turner. Del D'you know that Raquel is my most favourite name? Agent How fortunate. In the present social climate we recommend that the first meeting is during the day - a lunch appointment. After that it's entirely up to the two clients. A good meeting place is under the main clock at Waterloo station. It's rather traditional and in its way quite romantic. It evokes memories of Trevor Howard and Celia Johnson. We suggest that the gentleman carries a bunch of flowers as a point of recognition and as a gift for the lady. Del Will do... did they hit it off alright? Agent Who? Del Well, this Trevor and the Celia sort. Agent Yes! Del Cushty. Right, well you get on the blower and give Raquel the old SP. Oh, and tell her to be on her toes, 'cos the last girl I met at Waterloo station got mugged on the escalator. Agent Yes, I'll tell her. When, or indeed if, you and Miss Turner should meet, we do emphasise the importance of complete honesty. There is very little future in fabrication or deceit. Del I agree. We've gotta be right up front with each other. Agent Good. Now I'm afraid I'll have to trouble you for the twenty-five pounds member- ship fee. Del peels some notes off a large wad. Agent I'm sorry I've forgotten, is there an E on the end of your name? Del No, E. It's Duval. Derek Duval. It's from the French side of the family. INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE This is a week later. Albert is seated watching television. Del enters from the bedroom area. He is wearing his very best suit and jewellery. He moves to the mirror and checks his appearance (makes sure his fly is up). Albert You going out? Del No I'm gonna bleed the brakes on the van. Course I'm going out. Albert What is it special occasion? Del It might be Albert, you never can tell. Albert Oh. I didn't know if it was one of your mates' birthdays or something? Del No, no nothing like that. I'm taking a lady out to lunch. Albert When I was a lad, I had some smashing birthday parties. But when you get to my age nobody bothers. Del No, it's a bark innit, eh? Albert (Sadly) Yeah. So who's the bird? Del She's not a bird Unc, she's an actress. Albert Yeah? Who? Del Raquel Turner. Albert Name don't ring a bell. What's she been in? Del Oooh lots. I can't remember 'em all of the top of me head. Albert What's she look like? Del (Hasn't got a clue) Em, it's difficult to describe her. Albert Well is she tall, short, fair, dark, fat, thin? Del She's an actress, she changes her appearance. Albert How you gonna recognise her then? Del I'll recognise her! Don't keep going on about it. Albert If you've got anything for the launderette go and get it now. Del Why, it's not your washing day today is it? Albert No, but Rodney's going out as well. I don't wanna sit in this flat on me own. Albert exits to kitchen. Del now practices meeting Raquel. Del Miss Turner, how lovely - no, no, Muzz! Muzz Turner, how lovely to meet you. I've admired your work for many years. May I call you Raquel? Do you know that Raquel is my most favourite name? (Chuckles confidently to himself) My old joie de vivre will knock her bandy. A little livener before we go. Del moves to the cocktail cabinet. The door from the bedroom area opens and a hesitant Rodney peers into the room as if checking that the coast is clear. As Del is behind the door, or at least out of Rodney's eye-shot, he thinks he is alone in the room. He is wearing his macho gear. A pair of dirty jeans with a large silver buckled belt, a grubby armless T-shirt and a thick leather wrist band. He is unshaven and his hair is greased back. He strides confidently towards the mirror. He practices his meanest look in the mirror. Del cough. Rodney spins round and tries to act as casual and normal as possible. Rodney Oh, you're still here then? Del Yeah, just about. I thought you were taking that Nerys bird out? Rodney I am. Del Well, you better get ready or you'll be late. Rodney I am ready! Del You're going out like that? Rodney What's wrong with me? Del Well, you look like an 'ooligan! Rodney It is the fashion. Haven't you read about it? It's called the James Dean look. Del Yes, but when they say the James Dean look, they mean before the crash. I can't see you getting very far with young Nerys dressed like that, Rodney. Rodney (Tapping his nose) Will you just keep it out? Let me lead my own life! Del I won't say another word. Maybe she goes for blokes who look like Barney Rubble. Albert enters from the kitchen with a washing bag. Albert I thought you were going out? Rodney I am going out. Albert Well, hurry up and change, I'll take those clothes down the launderette for you. Rodney I am wearing these clothes!! Albert Yeah? Where you taking her ' then, scrumping? (Laughing) Del Boy's going out to lunch with a world famous actress! Rodney (Totally unmoved) Yeah? You got my socks and pants in there? Albert Yeah, I've got 'em, boy. I'll see you later. Albert exits. Rodney So who is it then, Meryl Streep? Del No. Raquel Turner. Rodney Are you kidding me? Del No, straight up. Rodney What, the Raquel Turner? Del Well yeah, have you heard of her? Rodney No. Rodney laughs. Rodney (Cont'd) She been in anything? Del Yes, load of things but nothing that you would have seen her in, Rodney. Rodney What's that mean? Del It means she has not been on Top of the Pops or repeats of Batman. Rodney So where you taking her? Del I am meeting her at Waterloo station and I have booked a table for lunch at the Hilton in Park Lane. Rodney You taking the van? Del No, I am not taking the van! Rodney where would you meet an actress? Del Em, a friend of mines in show business. Introduced us. Rodney acts as if he's catching on to the truth. Rodney Wait a minute. The other day Albert took a call for you. It was some agency. Del closes his eyes with the embarrassing truth is about to be revealed. Del Oh yeah, was it? Rodney (Now his lovely innocence) Is your mate an agent? Del (Can't believe his luck) Eh? Yeah, he's a show business agent. Yeah, that's it. Rodney Bloody 'ell, Del. You wait till I tell the others! Hey, any chance of an autograph? Del Yeah, no problem. I'll get you hers as well. Del walks to the mirror and smothers himself in after- shave from a nearby bottle of Brut. Rodney (Worrying) Del, you don't think you are being a bit ostenta- tious? Del (Studying his mirrored image) Well maybe, but I can afford it. Rodney No, what I meant was... Rodney gestures at Del's clothes, but too frightened to speak. Rodney (Cont'd) Well you know the Hilton and all that; Don't you think you're being a teensy-weensy bit over the top? After all she's an actress and she's bound to be very cool and laid back. Del Rodney, give me credit for having some savvy. I do know that a woman like Raquel appreciates the subtle approach. I have played the game before. I know what I'm doing. Rodney Yeah, of course you do! Well best of luck. Del Cheers bruv. From kitchen, Del produces a gigantic bouquet of flowers, complete with a large, pink satin bow. Del (Cont'd) Open the door for us, Rodders. Del, and the bouquet, exit. EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. We see Del (in his camel hair coat) and the bouquet waiting beneath the clock in the main concourse of the station. He paces a small area nervously. He checks the clock which stands at 12.30. He checks again his watch. Now rechecks his watch and taps it a few times as if it is wrong. We see a policeman patrolling the station. He observes Del (not suspiciously at this point) more out of interest, he's never seen such a large bouquet. Del miles nervously to the policeman. EXT.DAY. CORNER OF URBAN ROAD. Nerys is standing on a corner waiting for Rodney. We see the van pulling up behind her with Rodney, in his James Dean look, driving. Rodney bips the hooter. This makes the nervous Nerys jump. Rodney opens the passenger door from the inside and then lounges back in the driver's seat, all muscle and machismo. He has a newly-lit roll-up between his lips (maybe a pair of shades). Nerys studies the van critically. Rodney Hi. He pats the passenger seat. Nerys climbs in. Nerys Is this a three-wheeled van? Rodney Well, it was the last time I counted! Nerys I've never been in a three- wheeled van before. Rodney Well then you have never really lived! Nerys It's sort of - oh, what's the word? Smelly. Rodney That is the odour of honest toil and sweat, Nerys. So, where'd you fancy going? Nerys I don't mind. Rodney Just name your destination. Nerys I don't care. Rodney So there's nowhere special? Nerys No, anywhere. Rodney Shall we take in a movie? Nerys I don't fancy the pictures. Rodney D'you fancy a hamburger? Nerys No, I've just had e dinner. Rodney Where'd you wanna go then? Nerys I don't mind, anywhere. Rodney Well, that's cool, Nerys. We'll just cruise. Nerys What, in a three-wheeled van? Rodney Yes! This will be an experience you will never forget, Nerys. Rodney very coolly takes the cigarette from his lips and flicks it out of the window. The cigarette hits the glass of the window which Rodney has forgotten to wind down. Rodney (Cont'd) Oh shit! Nerys You didn't wind your window down! Rodney I know I didn't! Get out quick before it catches fire! Nerys alights from the van. Rodney alights from van. We leave them with Nerys standing on the pavement and Rodney down on his hands and knees at the open driver's door, searching for the dog end. EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. Del is waiting anxiously. He looks up to the clock which stands at 12.35. Del reacts as he sees there is a woman standing beneath the clock just a few yards from him. She has her back to Del. From the back she appears to be a slender and sophisticatedly dressed woman. Del takes a deep breath and approaches. Del (Nervously) Hello. Sonia Hello, love. Del Blimey! You're not Raquel, are you? Sonia I can be anyone you want, darling. Del No, no, I mean you're not an actress, are you? Sonia Well, I've played a few demanding roles in me time. There's a very nice little hotel round the corner, why don't we go and discuss it there? Del No, that's alright, there's been a bit of a mistake. My fault entirely. Sonia becomes annoyed with him. Sonia Oh you're one of those who just likes to 'talk' aren't you? Del No, really. It was a genuine mistake. I'm waiting for someone and I thought you... Look, I'm starting to lose my rag, sweetheart. I'll count to ten then I'll shove these flowers... We don't hear Del's next words as they are drowned by the sound of a train's klaxon. We don't even see Del say the words as we cut to the policeman who is watching the argument with growing suspicion. We cut back to Sonia who appears surprised as what Del has just said. Sonia You realise that will be extra. Del Oh God. Sonia (Spotting the policeman) Oh hell - the filth! See you darling. She exits. Del gives the policeman an embarrassed smile. EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. We see the three-heeled van approaching with Rambo Rodney at the wheel. Now we see a beat-up Cortina waiting to turn out of a side road. There are five really tough-looking yobs inside the car (usual thing, radios blaring, lots of verbal). Rodney screeches to a halt. Nerys lets out a nervous yelp of fear. The yobs (without stopping) scream a load of abuse at Rodney ('Out of the way, pus-head' 'Get that heap of shit off the road'). As the Cortina roars away, Rodney sticks his finger in the air and calls after them. Rodney Swivel on that, camel-breath! Rodney smiles confidently to the nervous-looking Nerys. Cut to interior of van. Nerys Weren't you frightened? Rodney What, of them punks? Noooo way! EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. The clock stands at 12.45. Del has got fed up caring the bouquet and now reacts and puts flowers on the floor. Del checks his watch and then the station clock. Now let us see Raquel approaching the clock. We should know it's her by her nervous hurry. Raquel is in her early thirties. She is attractive and has a good figure and studies her appearance. Her clothes are smart but not designer stuff. She is a working class girl (from any part of the country) and has to watch the pennies. We shall discover that she as been hurt in her life, and when this happens people react in one of two ways. They either become hard and distance them- selves from any possible further harm, or they try even harder to please others in the hope that someone will like them. Raquel is of the latter persuasion. She is a very nice, warm and friendly lady. At this point, like Del, she is nervous. She looks at the clock and reacts to being so late. She now sees Del who has his back to her. Raquel (Tentatively) Hello. Del turns and looks her up and down quickly. He doesn't realise at first that it is Raquel. To Del actresses are either the war-paint and cleavage brigade or the trendy bohemian type. Raquel doesn't fit his picture. Del (Referring to the policeman) Just now he nearly nicked one of your mates, so I'd have it away on your toes if I was you. Raquel (Bewildered) Is it Derek? Del Raquel? Raquel Yes. Hi. Del Hello. I'm sorry about that. Raquel No, I should appologise for being so late. You know what these trains are like. Have you been waiting long? Del Well, since about ten o' clock this morning, y'know. No, not really, just joking. (Picking up the bouquet) This is for you. Raquel Is it? You shouldn't have gone to all this expense. Del Mais oui, mais oui. Well, I've booked a table at my favourite restaurant - if that is alright with you? Raquel Oh yean, sounds lovely. Del gestures towards the taxi rank. Del Your carriage awaits. Raquel Thank you. They walk away from camera. Raquel (Cont'd) This is a bit like Brief Encounter, isn't it? Del You reckon? Raquel That's my favourite film. Del Mine as well. Raquel Really? Del Yes. I loved the bit at the end when the big space ship comes down and the little Martians come out. They walk on. Raquel That's Close Encounters. Del Yeah. I loved it. EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. The three-wheeled van passes us. Cut to interior of van. Rambo Rodney has his window open and is gorilla-gripping the roof with his right hand and steering with the left. Nerys I always thought you were such a quiet person.. Rodney They're the ones you've gotta watch, Nerys. Nerys But just now you were so... well, tough. This is a complaint from Nerys, but Rodney doesn't understand. Rodney Huh - I get by. I've lived in these streets too long to be frightened. Rodney gestures back to the incident with the yobs. Rodney (Cont'd) Those punks back there, they're used to people running scared from 'em. They don't scare me Nerys. This is my jungle and I'm at the top of the tree. Rodney has a confident, unflinching smile as he casually checks the mirror. He does a horrified double-take. We see in the wing mirror that the yobs in the Cortina have turned round and are now right behind the van. They are hanging from the windows, brandishing weapons and screaming death-threats and other abuse. Rodney has never been so terrified. Rodney Oh my... ! Nerys (Slightly alarmed by Rodney) What's wrong. Rodney? Rodney Nothing! With a great crunch of cogs, Rodney hurls the van into third gear. The van roars past with the Cortina in hot pursuit. Nerys Why are we going so fast? Rodney I love speed! Nerys You said we were gonna cruise! Rodney Yeah, but I like to cruise quickly. INT. DAY. HILTON RESTAURANT. The bouquet is in evidence. We see Raquel seated alone at a table with her untouched starter. She sips her white wine nervously and obviously is feeling slightly out of her depth. We see Del standing just outside entrance to restaurant area. He is talking quietly to the head waiter (Charles). Charles seems rather concerned t Del's request, but his attitude alters as Del slips a twenty-pound note into his palm. Charles smiles and nods in a 'a pleasure, sir' manner. Del now walks to the table. Del Sorry about that. I had to get a message to an old friend. Raquel Oh that's okay. Del (Referring to the starter) Well go on get stuck in, don't wait for me. They both eat. Raquel This is wonderful. Del Well, you can't go wrong here. I hope you don't mind me saying this, Raquel, but well I'm very surprised to find that someone like you - attractive and talented - at a computer dating agency. Raquel Well, I might say the same about you. A successful person - managing director of his own import-export business. Why did you go to them? Del Dunno really. Raquel I suppose I was grabbing at straws really. I've been married before and that was a disaster, and I've had - you know - relationships. with men which have always ended unhappily. Maybe it's been the same for you? Del No, blokes don't do a lot for me. Raquel You know what I mean! I found I used to take my relationships seriously - used to plan and stupid things like that. But they were just playing a game. Anyway, when I saw the agency's advertisement I thought; why not? At least I new I'd be meeting someone who wanted me to be there. Was it the same for you? Del Yeah, exactly. I just thought y'know that you being an actress you'd meet lots of people - on the film sets and that sort of thing. Raquel (Embarrassed) Look, I've got to be honest with you. The agency asked me what I did for a living, so I said I was an actress. Well I suppose that's what I am. I'm a member of the union, at least. I had one line in a Doctor Who about ten years ago. I was a lizard person. I've done fringe theatre and that sort of thing, but I never got the chance to - 'make it'. I gave it all up for nine years while I was married. My husband was one of those old-fashioned types who said there should only be one bread winner. Del Yeah, my Dad was like that. He used to get up at six every morning to make sure my Mum got to work. A disbelieving look from Raquel. Del (Cont'd) No, straight up. Raquel Anyway, recently I've tried to pick up my career - for what it was. But I can't see me ever doing anything. Del Au contraire Raquel. This time next year you'll be a star! Raquel Oh come on. Del She who dares wins. That is my motto. No matter what has happened in our lives I've always said that to my kid brother, 'Rodney, this time next year we'll be millionaires!' Raquel And look at you now. Del Yeah! Look at me now. The secret is never giving in, if you want something bad enough, you'll get it, as long as you don't stop believing! (Raquel smiling at him) This is nice... There's a lovely feeling of... I don't know - honesty. Del Yeah... well... that's what it's all about, innit? She nods in agreement. The head waiter approaches. Charles Mr Duval. Del Yes. Charles I'm terribly sorry to bother you, sir there's an important call from your New York office. Del Oh, thank you very much, Charles. (To Raquel) I'm sorry about this. Raquel Please, it's no problem. Del stands and takes a step forward. Now a change of mind. Del Charles. You tell them I'm busy. Charles Of course, sir. Raquel Please, don't do this for me. Del No, no. I'm enjoying the company and I'm not gonna have it spoilt by some soppy problem in New York. These Yanks have gotta learn to make decisions for themselves. Del raises his glass to success. Del (Cont'd) To success. EXT. DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. We see Trigger in his road sweeper’s donkey jacket sweeping a gutter. He reacts as he hears the sound of racing engines. The three-wheeled now roars past him in a cloud of exhaust fumes. Trigger Wotchya, Dave. Now the Cortina roars past him. Trigger smiles to himself. He thinks it's the lads out having a laugh. INT. DAY. THE HILTON RESTAURANT. Del and Raquel are now on their coffees. Del lights a cigar. Raquel When the agency phoned and mentioned you I was really excited. They said you were a man of the arts, and it's not that often that you meet a man who's interested in the theatre. Del Oh yeah, I love it. Raquel Going into a theatre is so exhilarating. Just the 'feel' of the place. Del Yeah, gets me going as well. You can't whack a good play, can you? Raquel Did you see the RSC's production of Moliere's Le Misanthrope? Del E... m... No, I was out. Raquel (Puzzled at first) Oh, you mean out of the country. Del Yes. Away on business. Raquel Oh you missed something wonderful! Del Yeah, I was gutted. That's the sort of thing you like, is it? Raquel Not really. I like anything to do with entertainment. When I was a kid my Mum used to send me up to tap- dancing lessons. I loved it. And when I was about seventeen another girl and me formed a pop-duo. 'Double Cream' we called ourselves - we were rotten! But, that's what I mean, I like anything - pop music to heavy drama. I don't know about you, but I just love the works of Shaw. Del Oh yeah! (Singing) 'Like a puppet on a string'. Raquel You! You're just putting me on! Del doesn't understand, but laughs. Del No, no I really do like it! The waiter arrives with the bill. Del (Cont'd) Oh thank you, Charles. He reads the bill and is horrified, but cannot show it. He turns to one side and coughs gently. He now takes a great wad of notes from his pocket and peels a few off. Raquel Thank you. I've really enjoy- ed this afternoon. Del Ah so have I. Em... d'you fancy going out Saturday night? Raquel Saturday? No, I can't make Saturday. Del (Thinking he's getting the brush off) Oh that's alright. No y'know just thought I'd ask. Raquel Let me explain. I'm always busy on Friday and Saturday nights at drama class. Del Oh, drama class? Raquel I teach. Del Oh I see. Well how about Monday night? Raquel I'd love to. Del Great. Where shall I meet you? Raquel Why don't you come round the flat? Del Okay then. And you've got no worries about letting me into your flat, I'm not a pervo or nothing. Raquel I figured that one out! I feel terrible, I've kept you away from your business. Del That's alright. My brother handles things when I'm not there. Cut to Rodney still being pursued by the Cortina. Rodney Oh no! Aaaaaaaggggghhhhh! Aaaaaaaggggghhhhh! EXT.DAY. DOWNTOWN STREETS. We are looking at the brow of a hill. The van now races over the top of the hill. There is smoke belching from its exhaust. The Cortina comes over the brow of the hill a few seconds later. The two vehicles should appear to be doing 70 mph. Cut to interior of van. Rodney, eyes wide with fear and not blinking, is holding the steering wheel in a white-knuckled death- grip. There is a small cloud of fumes wafting around inside the van. We do not see Nerys. From Rodney's point of view we see that at the bottom of the hill there is a set of traffic lights at a crossroads. Let us see the lights facing Rodney turn to amber. He puts his foot on the gas in an attempt to beat the lights. The lights turn red. Realising that even if he had wanted to stop he wouldn't be able to, Rodney puts his life in the hands of the gods. In anticipation of the imminent holocaust, Rodney lets out a long cry of alarm. Rodney Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhh! We see the lights for the waiting traffic turn green. The traffic begins to mover forward. Now, to a symphony of screaming tyres, blaring horns and break- ing glass, the van roars through the small gap in the traffic. (Lots of exhaust smoke and Rodney's continuing scream.) Rodney (OOV) Aaaaaaaggggggghhhhhhhhh. The van disappears into the distance. We see that a Metro police car has crashed into the back of another car. We see the occupants - a young, rather flash and aggressive PC and an attractive and quite shapely WPC alight from the metro, angrily. PC Well get his number! I don't believe it! (Referring to his car) They only gave me this yesterday! (To the returning WPC) Did you get it? WPC No, he was going too fast. But there can't be too many yellow three-wheeled vans round here. PC That's right! I'll get him! You see if I don't! The PC now zeros in on the yobs in the American car which is parked at the lights. The yobs smile and wave to him. The PC is desperate for revenge. He turns to the other driver. He wants to nick him but he can't. PC (Cont'd) You... I... I... Don't ever do that again! EXT. DAY. QUIETER SUBURBAN ROAD. The three-wheeled van screeches round corner and pulls to a halt in a cloud of smoke (we don't see Nerys). Rodney collapses across the wheel, sucking in air in the kind of heart-pounding exhaustion that abject fear brings. He opens the window and checks that he is safe. He slumps back in seat with relief. Now from the passenger seat we hear the sound of whimpering. We see Nerys sobbing uncontrollably. Tears are running down her face and she takes great gulps of air between each sob. Rodney (Concerned) What's wrong, Nerys? Nerys? INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S FLAT. It's a clean and pleasant lounge. The furnishings are early B&Q. Two doors lead off: one to hallway, bathroom and bedroom, etc (we never see this), the second door leads to the kitchen. As we come on scene, the kitchen door is open. On the dining table we have a few plates, cups, etc. from a recently finished meal. Del is at the table alone. His jacket has been removed and his tie loosened. He puffs his cigar and sips brandy. He now stands and moves to settee. Raquel enters from the kitchen and collects the plates, etc. from table. Raquel D'you want another brandy? Del No, I'm fine, thank you. Raquel Sit down. Del Oh right, 'ere listen... You didn't have to go to all this trouble - cooking a meal and what'avyer. I told you I was gonna take you out. Raquel And I told you, it's my way of saying thank you for the other lunchtime. Del Oh, well it was really lovely, thank you. Raquel D'you think your car'll be alright out there? We get a lot of vandalism round here. Del That's why I didn't bring the car. I mean you leave a Ferrari out there and see what you come back to. Raquel Oh good. Raquel exits to kitchen. In a vase on a table there are the flowers that Del had given Raquel at their lunch date. They are now dead and drooping all over the place. Del I say, these flowers are lasting well, ain't they? Raquel I'm not throwing them away. They're my memories of a lovely day. Del is chuffed and moved by this silly gesture on her part. INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S KITCHEN. It's a small but clean kitchen. On the wall there is a damp patch of crumbling, rotten plaster. Raquel is putting the crockery in the sink. Del enters. Raquel D'you want a coffee? Del Yes please. Del is trying to say something important but is now struggling to find a way. Del (Cont'd) Raquel. Raquel Mmmnnn? Del I like you. Raquel I like you. Del Oh good... Erm. Raquel is frightened by what he may ask. Raquel Look at the state of this wall! Del Yeah, it's 'orrible innit? Yeah, listen I wanted to ask you something. Raquel Del. Wait a while, eh? See how we feel in... Del (Cutting in) No, it's not that! Cor blimey! No, no it's just that I had this idea that might help you. I thought I'd better talk to you about it. You see, a friend of mine is a mason. Raquel (Referring to the wall) Oh I don't need a mason, a plasterer can do that. Del No, not a stone-mason, I mean a masonic mason. Look, come and sit down. INT. NIGHT. RAQUEL'S HOUSE. Del leads Raquel in by the hand and sits her on the settee. Del The way I see it is this - you're a talented actress. Raquel Says who? Del Says me. I can tell these things. But life has never given you a decent break, and it doesn't matter how clever you are, you can never prove yourself until someone gives you that break. Right?? Raquel Yeah. Del Right, well. One of my friend's fellow mason's a television director, right? So if I become a mason I can get him to give you that break. Put you in a show. Raquel But why would he do that? He doesn't even know me. Del He doesn't have to. You see the masons have to do each other favours. He couldn't refuse to help me. Raquel But what favour would you do him? Del Well I don't know. I'll drop him a monkey or something, look don't worry, he'll be as sweet as a nut. Raquel You'd actually join the masons just to help me? Del Yeah. Raquel kisses him. Del (Cont'd) Well, I mean it's no hard- ship is it? It's the masons not like the moonies. They chuck a lovely dinner 'n' dance an' all you know. Raquel But Id be cheating, wouldn't I? Del No, of course you won't be cheating! I'll do that for you. Raquel No, I mean I'd be using inside influence to further my career. Del Well, it's the name of the game, innit? It's who you know. You can't hang about for another three years waiting to be discovered! You've gotta get in now before you're past your sell-by date. Raquel Oh thanks! Del You know what I mean. This is your first opportunity - it could be your last. You're gotta now get in while the going's good. She Who Dares Wins! Raquel Well I... I'll leave it up to you, Del. Whatever you think is best. Del Alright. You do the coffee and I'll do the bizzo. Del picks up the telephone receiver and begins pushing the buttons. Raquel D'you think it'll work? Del Yeah, course it will. It'll be a piece of cake. They've been begging me to join their lodge for ages, but I always give 'em a blank. Raquel exits to the kitchen. NIGHT. INTERCUT BETWEEN HALL OF BOYCIE'S HOUSE/ RAQUEL'S LOUNGE. Boycie's hall is very grand and ornate and totally over the top. The phone begins ringing on the telephone table. We hear the deep, dark brown barking of Duke. Marlene Get out of there, Duke. Get out! Daddy will be cross! Marlene enters hall, checks her appearance in the mirror before answering the phone. Boycie (Screams) Marlene! That dog is in my aquarium again! Marlene (Screaming back) I've told him to get out but he don't take any notice! Boycie He'll take some bloody notice when I put piranha in there! Marlene (Screams) You're the master of the house, you get him out! She now picks up the receiver, and has now got a quiet, sweet and posh voice. Marlene (Cont'd) Hello, this is Boyce house. Del Hello, Marlene? It's Del Boy, how are you sweetheart? Marlene Oh hello, Del. How's tricks? Del Never been better. Is the old man about? Marlene Yeah, unfortunately. I'll get him for you. Oh Del, when you've finished don't put the receiver down, I want to have a word with you about a birthday present for Albert. Hang on. Del Oh Gawd, I forgot all about that. It's this Friday, innit? Raquel, we're going out for a celebration Friday night, d'you fancy it? Raquel Not Friday. I'm at drama class. Del Oh yeah. Couldn't you knock it on the head, for this week? I wanted you to meet the family. Raquel Honest I can't, we're in the final rehearsal. Anyway, I'm no good at meeting families, I always say something stupid. Raquel exits to kitchen. Del (To himself) You don't know my family. Boycie Hello. Del Hello Boycie - Del Boy. Yeah listen, I want you to do me a very big favour. I want you to recommend me for membership to your masonic lodge. Boycie (Roaring with laughter) What's the matter Del, has someone slipped some angel dust in your pina colada? Only the most respected members of our society can join my lodge. Del You said they take anyone! Boycie Yes, well, it wouldn't stretch to you. You'd be black-balled at the first go. Del No, it'll be a doddle. My best friend's a member. Boycie Who? Del You! Boycie Oh no! No Del! I couldn't even consider proposing some- one like you. Del I could be a very good mason. In fact I'll prove it to you. Masons are supposed to do each other favours, right? Well you do me the favour of proposing me and I'll do one for you. Boycie And what might that be? Del I won't tell Marlene about that little bird in Sheffield. Boycie surveys the hall as if Marlene might have heard. Boycie You wouldn’t! Del Try me! Boycie No, you may be many things Del, no but you're not a grass. I don't think we have anything else to say to each other. Bye for now. Marlene enters hall. Marlene Don't put that phone down, I wanna talk to him about Albert's birthday. (Taking receiver) Del, what d'you think he'd like for a present? Del (Rejected) I don't know darling, Honest I don't. Del now has a bright idea. Del (Cont'd) Oh, there is one thing. He loves a bit of fishing and he was talking about getting himself a proper angler's knife. But it must be made of Sheffield steel. Marlene Sheffield? Boycie Giss that phone! From Del's direction we get the impression that Boycie is giving him a real roasting. Del Yes! Yeah alright, Boycie! I know, I know... Yeah right! Thank you, Boycie! Del replaces the receiver. Raquel enters from the kitchen. INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD PUB. This is Albert’s birthday party. There are happy birthday signs and balloons on the walls. Albert is on the stage playing the piano and singing a song to the tune of 'Lilly Marlene'. Albert (Singing) 'Driving across the desert, sixty miles an hour. We are the eight battalion, and what a bloody shower. We can't speed up, we can't slow down, the gear-box is in upside-down. We are the eight battalion. Royal Engineers.' Del Look at that daft old twonk! Rodney Be thankful for small mercies. The Queen has two birthdays a year! Del That's true! Mike approaches. Mike 'ere Del you promised me! Del What can I do Michael, you've given him too much to drink, haven't you? Mike He's started to slur his words. He's almost offended some of the ladies. Rodney How d'you mean? Mike Well, he wanted a rum and black, he ordered a bum and rack! Del Yeah, well cross your fingers he don't fancy a Bucks Fizz, Michael! Rodney So come on tell us, what happened down at Boycie's masonic lodge last night? Del Oh yeah, I had to meet a few of the committee members - try and make an impression, you know. Rodney Yeah, so are you a mason now? Del No, the committee are discussing me this evening. But as Boycie said, there's always the chance that I could be black-balled. Rodney What's that, part of the initiation ceremony? Del No, no. You see, each committee member has one white ball and one black ball. And to vote they have to put one of the balls in the bag. Rodney (Still puzzled then realises) You mean snooker balls? Del Yeah. Rodney Gotchyer. Del And if, when they empty the bag, all the balls are white - you're in. But if there is one black ball - just one - you're out. Rodney And you're doing all of this for Raquel? Del Yep. Yeah she's worth it. Rodney I can't wait to meet her. Is she coming tonight? Del No, she's rehearsing. Rodney Yeah, what in? Del A rehearsal room I suppose. Rodney No, I mean what play is she doing? Del I don't know but it's bound to be deep and meaningful. One of them Russian jobs most probably. Rodney What, the one's we don't watch on BBC2? Chekov, that sorta thing? Del No, no those are the ones I never used to watch. That was because in them days I wasn't esoteric. Rodney No? Del No. But Raquel has taught me what's what. I mean these days, you stick me in front of a telly with a Singapore sling, an 'am sandwich and a bit of Chekov and I'm as happy as a sand-boy! She's good news, Rodney! She's so lovely! She's caring and beautiful and talented. Got a good pair of lungs on her as well. Rodney (A filthy grin) Yeah? Del (Offended) I mean she's got a good sing- ing voice! She sounds like Kiri Tikwinana with a little touch of Whitney Houston. Rodney Lovely, just what the doctor ordered! Boycie enters. Del Oi, Boycie. Boycie over here, over here. Sit yourself down Boycie. Have the committee come to a decision yet? Boycie Yes, it has Derek, and it's bad news, well bad news for you at least. You were black-balled. Del Oh no, someone put a black ball in the bag? Who? Boycie When they emptied the bag there was more than one black ball. Del How many? Boycie Well, let's put it like this. Have you ever seen the bottom of a rabbit's hutch? Sorry, Derek, I did my best. Boycie moves to the bar. Del What am I gonna tell Raquel now? Rodney Oh look, if she's as talented as you say she is, she don't need you bribing some television director. Her talent will win through. Del You're right, Rodney. She's gonna be a star one day 'cos she's got talent. Albert is up on stage again. Albert All together now! Del Which is more than you can say for that soppy old git! Albert Altogether now, 'Oooooooooh. I put me finger in the woodpecker's hole and the woodpecker said "God bless my soul, take it out, take it out, wiggle it about remove it"'. Mike Albert! That is enough! Del, can't you chuck him in the back of the van and drive him home? Del What, with that engine, you must be joking. It needed a walking frame to get down here tonight. Rodney, remembering his 'Bullit' style chase turns away. Trigger Well, it was going alright the other day. Del Oh yeah, when was that? Trigger I saw Dave driving it. Some of his mates were following him. Del Oh yeah? Rodney Well, yes and the engine was well lumpy then, Del. Trigger Yeah, but it was going a fair old lick though, weren't it? Rodney Yes, well yes, but it was making a terrible racket. Trigger (Gesturing to main door) 'Ere, hang on, what's all this about? A tall naval officer aged about 40 and carrying a naval officer's topcoat, and a wren have entered. The two naval officers talk to one of the regulars who points in Albert's direction. The two begin to make their way through the crowd. They are stern and officious. Albert has not noticed the naval officers. Albert All together now, Oohhh! Naval Officer (Posh voice) Albert Trotter? Albert Aye, sir, ma'am. Naval Officer Able Seaman Albert Trotter, late of Her Magesty's ship Peerless? Albert Aye, sir. Naval Officer I'm placing you under arrest. There is a shocked murmur from the crowd. Del They're only nicking him, look! Rodney What's goin' on? Naval Officer You will be taken to the naval stockade, Portsmouth, where you will await court martial. Albert Yeah, but why? Naval Officer Dereliction of duty. November 19th 1941. While serving the Royal Pacific fleet. You did wantonly abandon your watch duties. Thus causing the sinking of HMS Peerless and causing considerable damage to the American vessel USS Pittsburgh. Albert But...but...that was nearly 50 years ago! Naval Officer The original papers have only just been discovered in the vaults of Admiralty Headquarters, Singapore. Albert I couldn't understand the radar, it's was all blibs and blobs. Naval Officer Read the charges, petty officer. Wren Aye, aye, sir. The wren produces some official looking paperwork. Wren (Cont'd) Able Seaman Albert Trotter. You are hereby ordered by her Majesty the Queen, by the high Lords of the Admiralty and by all your friends and relatives to have a very happy birthday. Albert reacts. The shirt and tie that the wren is wear- ing are false and only cover the visible area. She now tears it off and unbuttons her tunic to reveal a skimpy black bra. At the same time she starts singing. Wren (Cont'd) (Singing) I'd like to get you on a slow boat to China, all to myself alone. Obviously by now everyone knows it's a set-up and are laughing and winding Albert up. We cut away to Del and Rodney who are on the periphery of the crowd and so haven't seen everything clearly. Rodney Is this your birthday surprise? Del can hardly speak with laughter. Del Yeah. I saw the strippergram in the local paper. I've done him up like a kipper. Look at the old sod's face. The wren removes her skirt to reveal stockings and suspenders. Wren Leave all your worries on a far away shore. Albert You wait! I'll get you back for this, you toerag! As the crowd part slightly, Del is still roaring with laughter. His laughter begins to die as, for the first time, he sees the wren clearly. As he turns towards camera we see that, despite the wig, it is indeed Raquel. Wren All to myself alone. Yes I'd like to get you... Del Raquel? Raquel just shakes her head. The crowd are murmuring. Boycie Raquel! Is this the 'actress' you've been telling us about Del? Boycie roars with laughter. Other people are now laugh- ing as well. Rodney (To Del) That's your Raquel? Rodney also starts to laugh. Del cannot answer. He is hurt, deeply hurt. He is filled with rage and embarrassment but above all disappointment. He stares at her. He'd like to cry, he'd like to die. He turns and exits to a backcloth of laughter and derision. Rodney's laughter dies instantly as he realises the seriousness of the situation. EXT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD CAR PARK. This is at the rear of the pub. Del storms out of the rear doors and towards the van. He pauses and looks up to the heavens. He wants to punch, he wants to kill, he wants to bust into tears and melt into the tarmac. He moves to the van. He punches the van and kicks the tyre. He now falls against the van (facing it), exhausted with anger and frustration. We now see that Rodney as followed him out and is standing a few yards behind. Rodney doesn't know how to handle the situation or what to say, but his loyalty makes him stay. Del becomes aware of someone's presence. He turns with killer eyes towards Rodney. Rodney's nervousness makes his greeting over- cheerful. Rodney Alright? Del (Shaking his head) Oddly enough... I am not alright. Rodney Look, Del. Don't get out your pram over it. Del Don't get out my pram? Don't get out my pram! She just humiliated me in front of my friends! Rodney But you booked her. Del No, Rodney. I booked a strippergram. I did not know it was her because I did not know she did that for a living! I thought she was an actress. That is what she said she was. Instead, she goes round pubs dressed in stockings and suspender belts flashing her thru'penny bits at blokes! Rodney I shouldn't worry about it, Del. I don't think many of 'em were taking much notice. Del's glare kills that theory. Rodney (Cont'd) Anyway, what about a few years ago, when you used to go out with that bird Monique. Now she used to go around in public wearing next to nothing on. Del She was a life-guard! Rodney Yeah, alright. Del climbs into the van. We now see Raquel rush from the pub and into the car park. She is wearing the naval officer's topcoat. She is crying and the coat, being miles too long for her, makes her look all the more pathetic. Raquel Del! Wait a minute. Rodney stops her. Rodney I wouldn't talk to him yet, love. Just leave him, he'll calm down in a ... year or so. Del (Screaming from the van window) You lied to me! Raquel No I didn't! I never told you I wasn't a stripper! And anyway, that's the pot calling the kettle black. I've just found out your name is Trotter. You told me you were called Derek Duval! Rodney Derek Duval! Del That was just a slip of the tongue! Raquel And you didn't tell me you were a market trader! (Referring to the van) And I suppose this is the Ferrari? Del Alright, so I might occasionally tell the odd porkie or two, but I tell you something I don't do, I, don't go round pubs dressed in stocking and suspenders flashing me boobs at geezers! Do I, Rodney? Rodney No, he's never done anything like that. Del Thank you. Raquel Oh Del, please listen to me. I just do this a couple of evenings a week to pay for my drama lessons! I man, where did you think I found the money to live on? Del I don't know... I thought you were on the old rock 'n' roll, didn't I? Raquel No, I'm not on the dole,. I pay for my own way in this world! I'm sorry you don't like what I do for a living. This may come as a surprise to you but I don't bloody like it either! Anyway, you said you wanted me to meet your family. Del Yes, but I meant with your bloody clothes on! I got black balled for you! Raquel I'm sorry! But before you start moralising too much, just remember one thing, you booked me for this evening. Del But I didn't know it would be you! Raquel Oh, so it would have been alright for you and your mates to leer and lust over a stranger. Del Yes... No ... Oh I don't know! Raquel Look, this is probably a daft question, but, do you want to see me anymore? Del Yes, of course I want to see you again, sweetheart. But next time I'll pay at the door like all the other punters. She turns and walks away. Rodney moves hesitantly towards Del. Rodney There was no need to say that to her, Del. Del I know there wasn't, now I wish I hadn't. But it's like most things in my life, it's too bloody late. Del climbs into the van and turns engine. After a couple of turns there in a clanking sound - and oil and steam gush out from beneath the van. Del alights from the van calmly. Del (Cont'd) I fancied a bit of a walk, anyway. Del walks off into the night in the opposite direction to Raquel. INT. DAY. MARKET CAFE. Sid is behind the counter, fag in mouth, serving a customer. We find Del, morose and still hurting from the events of a few nights ago, seated at a table reading a newspaper. He looks up from his paper unable to concentrate. Sid approaches and starts wiping down the table. Sid Is that true? Del Is what true? Sid All these rumours I've been hearing about you falling in love with some stripper. Del (Jack the lad again) Oh leave it out, Sid. I wasn't in love with her, I was, knocking about with her, you know what I mean? Sid That's what I thought. I told 'em, Del Boy wouldn't get serious over some tart. It's like a knife going through him, but he has to play the part. Del That's right. What do you think I am - some sort of wally? Rodney enters. Rodney Cup of tea please, Sid. Alright? Oh what's up with you now? Is it the hundred and seventy-five quid repairs to the van - is it er? Del Her? Rodney Raquel. Del I've never known anyone call- ed Raquel. Rodney No, right. Rodney desperately thinks of something to say to cheer him up. Rodney (Cont'd) You coming down the Coach and Horse tonight, they've got a strip... comedian on. Del No, I think I'll stay in, bruv, and watch a bit of telly. There's one of them Chekov plays on BBC2... load of old cobblers. Rodney moves to counter and picks up his tea. As he returns so door opens and Raquel enters. Rodney and Raquel look at each other for an embarrassing moment. Rodney Raquel, what a lovely surprise! Look who's here, Del. Del looks up and then back to his paper. Rodney (Cont'd) (To Raquel) Have you got time for a cup of tea? Raquel I don't know. (To Del) Have I got time for a cup of tea? Del Well, it's a free country, innit? Rodney There you are see, I told you he'd mellow after a bit. Well, I've gotta go some- where to... somewhere. Here, have my tea. Rodney hands his tea to Raquel and then exits. Raquel sits at the table. She and Del look at each other. Del looks back to his paper. Over this we hear outside: Mrs Sansom (OOV) Oi, Rodney! Rodney (OOV) Oh hello, Mrs Sansom. Mrs Sansom (OOV) What did you do to my Nerys? She come in shaking like a leaf! White as a sheet she was! Rodney (OOV) No, it wasn't me, Mrs Sansom, it was some yobs. Back to Del and Raquel. Raquel What sort of week have you had? Del (All bluff) Blinding! You? Raquel Rotten! Del It's a tough old world, innit?? Raquel Tougher than I ever imagined ... I've, em, I've resigned from the strippergram agency. Del Oh good. Raquel I've signed on the dole. Del It's a step up the ladder innit? Why didn't you tell me what you did? Why did you let me find out like that? Raquel You don't think I wanted you to find out in that way, do you? That night I took a job to give birthday greetings to someone called Albert Trotter. It had been paid for by someone called Derek Trotter. Now if I had known your real name I would have realised it was you and not taken the job! Del You still didn't tell me what you did for a living. Raquel I was hoping there'd be no need to. After I met you and I realised we were becoming close, I'd planned to pack the whole strippergram business in. Then you'd have been none the wiser. It didn't work out that way. Del I thought I knew you! I knew nothing. You were all disguises and secrets! Raquel I'm sorry... I'm going on a tour. Del Yeah? I bet it's a mystery one. Raquel No, it's no mystery. An agent called me a couple of days ago. It could be helpful to my career. Del Cushty... Raquel You won't have to worry about bumping into me. It's a tour of the Middle East. Del The Middle East? I didn't know they went in for all that Uncle Vanya and Run for your Wife, stuff. Raquel No, it's not a play. It's a revue, dancing, that sort of thing. Del Oh use your noddle, Raquel! You read about that sort of thing in the Sunday papers. You'll end up as a hostess in some topless dive in the Kasbah! Raquel No, it's an official tour, all above board. Del You could be kidnapped and end up in a harlem! Raquel Don't be silly. Del Oh, alright then. If that's what you want. Raquel It's not what I want. It's the next best thing... it's a shame the two of us couldn't have been more honest with each other. Del I was straight with you... alright, alright, so I called myself Duval. That's nothing, is it? Just a joke. I didn't tell you any other lies! Sid Del. Sid gestures for Del to come over to the counter. Del What's he want? Raquel Maybe it's another call from your New York office. Del smiles at this. Raquel returns his smile and the situation has now softened. Del moves to the counter and Sid hands him his breakfast. Del returns to the table with his breakfast (bacon, egg, tomatoes and fried bread). Raquel Del, I just wanna say thanks. Del What for? Raquel For a lot of things. For being the only man I've met who wanted me to keep my clothes on! For getting yourself black-balled for me and for - I don't know - giving me back some self-esteem. I used to wake up in the morning and look in the mirror and think, 'Oh, you again!' But after I met you I used to wake up and think, 'Great, another day, you're gonna be somebody!'... 'This time next year I'll be famous.' Thanks for that. Del is moved by this. He looks into her eyes. Del Raquel... would you like a piece of my fried bread? Raquel Thanks. Raquel takes half of his fried bread. Del When are you leaving? Raquel Tomorrow afternoon. Gotta cab coming at twelve. It's taking me to Waterloo station. That's ironic isn't it? It doesn't have to be the end. We could still go on seeing each other. Del Yeah, I'll pop over to Addis Ababa and catch the show. Raquel I mean, I don't have to go. Del You said you'd already agreed to it. Raquel If I'm no there, I'm not there. They'll have to find a replacement. That shouldn't be that difficult, thousands of girls are begging for a chance like this. Del I don't know what to say sweetheart. It's taken me a bit by surprise. Raquel I've done all my thinking and I know what I want. If you want me to stay, then I will. And I'm not talking about any heavy commitment like marriage or even living together. We could just - be there for each other. Think about it, won't you? Del Yeah, of course I will. Raquel If you like the idea just be at my flat tomorrow. If not, I'll understand. Del Yeah, just gimme a bit of time, that's all. Raquel Okay. Thanks for the fried bread. I'll see you...maybe? Del nods. Raquel exits. Del moves to the counter. Del I can't eat the breakfast, Sid, I've lost my appetite. Sid Here, was that the stripper? Del No, Sid. That lady is an up and coming actress. Sid Don't recognise her. Del But you will. This time next year she'll be famous! INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. Rodney is leaning on the counter. This is Sunday so he is wearing his better Sunday clothes. There are a few other blokes hanging around the counter. Mike (Laughing) You gotta be honest, Rodney, it was funny at the time. Rodney Del didn't seem to think so. Mike No, well, he wouldn't, would he? Mike laughs. Rodney is feeling angry and uncomfortable at having his brother rubbished. Rodney Del's been taking it all very well as it happens. Mike Yeah, we'll have to take your word for that Rodney. 'Cos he ain't been in here since. There is more laughter. Rodney He's been busy. Mike I thought he would have been in here last night. He's never missed a Saturday session. Rodney Yeah, well he had a bit of thinking to do last night. He's got a sort of decision to make. Mike What's that? Whether to pay the bill from the stripper- gram agency? There is more laughter. Now the laughter dies. The pub falls silent, Albert stops playing. We see that Del is in the pub. He has been standing there listening to them. Del has a grim expression. Now he gives them all a big grin. Del Morning all! There are a few half-hearted replies. Del (Cont'd) Same again for Rodney, a Singapore sling for me and a small rum for Elton John over there. And have one yourself, Michael. Mike Cheers, Del. Mike moves away to get the drinks. Rodney So, what are you doing? Del I've been thinking about her all night, last night, Rodney. She's had a tough old life, you know. Her old man was a right roughouse. All the other blokes that she's known before that were no better. You know she's had nothing but bad luck. Then she met me. Rodney Bloody 'ell. Life's a bitch, innit? Del That is when her luck changed, Rodney! Rodney Oh well yeah, yeah, that's what I meant. Del See, I've always been bad luck to women. Rodney No you ain't. Mike hands them their drinks. Del No I have, I have. Last night I was thinking back to all the birds that I've known, I've always left 'em with nothing but aggro... I'm a bit like that Little Joe. Rodney Little Joe? Del In Bonanza - Little Joe. Rodney You ain't Del, you're nothing like him. Del I don't mean in looks Rodney, he's an ugly git. What I mean is if you watch an episode of Bonanza, and Little Joe falls in love with a woman, you know she is gonna die! The moment he starts stronging it with a sort you can guarantee that she's either gonna catch the fever, get trampled underfoot in a stampede or the Indians are gonna have her! Rodney But that won't happen to Raquel. Del No, I know it won't! She came after me, Rodney. She had to swallow her pride, that took a lot of doing. In my book that makes her a bit special. Rodney Very special, I'd say. Del Right. So, I said to myself last night; whatever happens Raquel will not end up full of arrows. I'm gonna have a swift livener then I'm going round her flat. Rodney Yeah, well done, Del. Stuff what the others think, eh? Del That's right bruv, that's right. Thank you Rodney, you stood by me, you are a diamond. Rodney Oh leave off, will you? Del No, you are and I'll never forget that! You did laugh at the time though. Rodney I didn't know who it was! So this is all serious stuff then is it? Del Well, no. We're not talking about marriage or even moving in together. We're just gonna be there for each other. Cheers, Rodney. Rodney All the best Del. Del Cheers. EXT. DAY. URBAN ROAD. A street of Victorian houses. We pan up the first floor window of one of the houses. Raquel pulls curtain back and surveys the street looking for Del. She checks her watch. She now lets curtain fall back into place. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. Now the atmosphere is one of music and laughter. Mike, Rodney and Del are at the bar laughing. Del You can imagine how I felt, can't you? I felt like a right dipstick. Mike Listen, De, I know we had a laugh at you, but no offence was meant, mate. Del I know that, Mike. It's all forgotten about now. No hard feelings. Mike I thought Albert took it well. Although he did threaten to get even with you. Rodney Oh yeah, well, Del ain't eaten a thing Albert's cooked ever since. Del 'Ere, talking about Albert, take that rum over for him, will you Rodney? What's the time? Caw look at the time, I'm supposed to be round Raquel's by noon! Mike Give her my best, Del. Tell her to pop in for a drink one night. Del Yeah, I will Mike, cheers. Rodney (Handing Albert the rum) There you go Albert. Albert So has he reached a decision? Rodney Yeah, he's going round to her flat in a minute. Albert Good. She wouldn't have been happy touring round the Middle East. I never liked it over there. Did I tell you about that time I was in Cairo? Rodney Yes, you must have, Albert, you must have! Rodney turns. As he does he looks from the window. He looks horrified. EXT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. We see the three-wheeled van. Parked next to it is a damaged police metro. The young PC and the attractive WPC who were involved in the crash during Rodney's chase sequence, are examining the van. INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. Rodney Oh God! Albert What's up, Rodney? Rodney I gotta go, right, I gotta go! Rodney races out of the pub. Del Blimey Mike, you wanna clean your pipes out a bit. It's gone right through him. We now see the PC and WPC enter. They have a word with one of the locals who indicates towards Del. Del Right I'm off. See you all. PC Is your name Trotter? Del That's me. WPC Is that your yellow van out there? Del What, the one with Trotter written on it? Yes that's mine. PC Well, a couple of weeks ago a yellow three-wheeled van, very similar to yours, shot the lights between Lewisham Hill and Woodford Lane. We're in the process of questioning the owners of all such vehicles. Del Oh well, look no further officers. It was me, it's a fair cop, I done it! Del smiles and shakes his head at Albert. Del (Cont'd) You disappoint me, Uncle. WPC Mr Trotter. Either you're not taking this very seriously or you don't understand the full implications of your last statement. Del Look, I'm a bit pushed for time so, can we get a move on. Come on darling, hurry up. WPC What d'you mean? Del takes hold of the buttons of her tunic and pulls it open - shirt as well. Del Come on, get 'em off, get 'em off! The WPC covers herself as best she can. The PC is too stunned to move. Del (To Albert) I would have thought you would have come up with some- thing a bit more original than this, Albert. Albert It's got nothing to do with me, son! Del Oh leave it out! If you didn't send 'em who did...? Oh my God! Now looking out of the window he can clearly see the police car. Del (To police officers) I'm sorry. PC Not as sorry as you're gonna be, my old cocker. WPC Nick him! Del Wait a minute! It's a mistake! I didn't realise you were police officers. PC (Gesturing their uniforms) What d'you think all this is? Plain clothes? Del No, you see I thought she was a stripper. WPC That's it! I'm doing him for assault and abusive language! EXT. DAY. RAQUEL'S ROAD. We see Raquel exit from the front door of the house. She carries her case out to the pavement where she awaits the arrival of her cab. She checks her watch and surveys the street despairingly looking for Del. EXT. DAY NAG'S HEAD PUB. Del is now in handcuffs and is being led from the pub by the police officers. Del Please! Please listen to me. I'm supposed to meet someone at noon. PC And you're gonna meet some- one at noon - our desk sergeant - a very nice man, I'm sure you'll get on like a house on fire! Del Listen. In my pocket. Money. In my pocket! WPC What did he say? Del The old doe ray me's in my pocket! You could have a policeman's ball on it. WPC Lovely. Now we've got you for attempted bribery as well! Del Oh please! Give us a break. EXT. DAY. RAQUEL'S ROAD. The taxi has now arrived. Raquel places her case in back. She takes one last, sad and longing look for Del. She climbs into cab and slams door. EXT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD PUB. The door on Metro slams and it pulls away from camera. We hear Del over. Del Look, can you take me round to Herrington Road, I gotta see someone. It's left up here. The Metro turns right. Del (Cont'd) Thanks. EXT. DAY. WATERLOO STATION. We see the clock which stands at 12.25. Raquel walks past the clock towards the trains. She struggles with her heavy case. EXT. DAY. URBAN POLICE STATION. The Metro is parked outside. The police officers are assisting Del into the station. Del Can I at least use your phone? PC You're allowed one phone call. Del Thank you. What's the time? WPC Twenty to one. Del (Deflated) T'riffic! You don't know the code for Addis Ababa do you?

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